The Black Sheep
EAR FREE NED ... L FOR IKE T ACT HAT ING SC A L I K R YO E YO U UC ARE D.
Vol. 4, Issue 8
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
2/27/14 - 3/5/14
JUST THE TIPS: BOXING WEEKEND ALEX HARWARD WROTE THIS
It’s here. It’s finally here. The greatest weekend to ever grace the University of Tennessee’s campus has finally arrived — the 34th Ace Miller Memorial Boxing Tournament is here and ready to tear this bitch up. Being veterans of this epic event, The Black Sheep whipped up a few loose guidelines to follow while watching bros beat each other up. Rule #1 of Boxing Weekend: Don’t Talk About Boxing Weekend: Sike! Talk it up all you want! Don’t forget that this drunken three-day stint raises money to be donated to a good cause. Because that’s what Greeks do best — use philanthropy as a guise for drinking copious amounts of booze. Rule #2: Be Prepared: If you think you’re mentally and physically prepared for Boxing Weekend, you’re most definitely not. Get ready for three days of pure, unadulterated and raunchy fun. Neither those attending the fights nor those fighting will remember a single moment of the actual boxing due to concussion, whiskey, or both. Boxing Weekend will rip you a new one, so be prepared. Eat a big meal beforehand, drink plenty of water, have a safe word… you know the gist. You don’t want to be the asshole who wakes up in a port-o-potty lot after attempting to climb into the ring and drunkenly declare yourself “King of UT” (see Jimmy Cheek, 2011). Rule #3: Drink Up and Party Down: The drinking starts at 5 p.m. and doesn’t stop. Try not to get arrested, because at the end of the three-day alcohol binge, Waka Flocka Flame will be here and trust us, you don’t want to embarrass yourself in front of Waka (see Jimmy Cheek, 2009). This is serious stuff. These are the nights boys become men and sluts become, well, even bigger sluts. Pick your mission and accomplish it: See the girl from English you never talk to? Talk to her! See that kid from English you’ve never punched? Punch him! See graduation quickly approaching and sense your impending unemployed doom? Drown it in Keystone! Rule #4: Support Your Boxers…: These guys have been in intense training for the past 3-6 months, just waiting for the night they get to bust some other frat star’s teeth into his head. There will be blood, there will be cussing, there will be tears, and you better believe there will be victory shits. Which is why you should support your boxers with duct tape around the thighs — drinking so much boxing booze will come back to haunt you, and it will haunt you in the form of uncontrollable diarrhea. So
support your boxers, and don’t let liquid poop seep into your new Sperrys. Rule #5: Be Classy: Speaking of Sperrys, gals, put on your best dresses and guys find your Sperry’s and buttoned down shirts because the 34th annual Boxing Weekend is about to get as real as Ronald Reagan petting a goddamn bald eagle. This is Tennessee and this is America and we have every right to drunkenly watch a bunch of guys punch each other until they bleed.
Boxing Weekend only comes once a year, so hold on to your butts. What’s more, is that I’m Shmacked has hinted at visiting our campus this weekend, which may or may not take this quaint day of drinking and fighting to a full scale, nationally-broadcast blowout. And if UT is good at anything, it’s letting the world know that while some people drink, butt chugging is our expertise.
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THE REAL WORLD: UT
TOP 10: WAYS TO CELEBRATE THE CHANGE IN WEATHER
ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THIS YEAR’S OSCARS
ENJOY THE BRIEF RESPITE OF SLIGHTLY WARMER WEATHER WHILE YOU CAN WITH THESE TIPS.
SOUND LIKE YOU KNOW EVERYTHING WHILE CONTINUING TO REMAIN IGNORANT.
THE TRUE STORY OF THOUSANDS OF STUDENTS PICKED TO LIVE IN KNOXVILLE.
• KEEP UP WITH US! • @BLACKSHEEPUTK• THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM •
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Meet the Staff <<
CAMPUS MANAGER Austin Owen
CAMPUS DIRECTOR Quinn Myers
EDITORIAL MANAGER Emily Hagenburger
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ADVERTISING MANAGERS Alyssa Watson
FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers
WRITERS Katie Vaughn, Austin McLaurine Alex Harward, Meagan Dawson Scott Hannah DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Kelley Rieder SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER James Ballard
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DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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Acting overtly religious when beneficial, only to revert to a traditional college lifestyle otherwise. Nathan would dutifully attend confession with his parents when home for the holidays, but being eventgelical, he’d confess to all the sorority girls he’d slept with while insanely drunk.
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THE REAL WORLD: UT KITTY KAT WROTE THIS The producers of MTV have grown tired of the usual reality television routes. The pregnant cokehead teenagers, intellectually inferior juice heads from Jersey and the rich kids who have more money than knowledge. Thus, they have gone for a more relatable approach, instead going to a college campus filled with different types of students that sometimes interact in the same space together. Lucky for you, The Black Sheep got an exclusive early viewing to find out what happens when people stop being polite and start being real on The Real World: UT. This season, you’ll get to meet Hunter, the overweight frat star who believes Hodges to be a hipster bar in the Old City. Born and raised in the “borough,” he finds camo a fashion staple and takes all his dates to OCI for happy hour. Madison, a pot-smoking, mountain-climbing hippie who only shaves when her booty call comes over to drink PBR and complain. You’ll usually catch her swinging on a hammock in the amphitheater or practicing slack rope on the lawn. John, a 22-year old virgin whose idea of a good time is homework dates and catching the last episode of The Big Bang Theory. His only shot at getting some ended too quickly when he chickened out after a dare to bang a hooker. She was too forceful. Ashley, the sorority girl who refuses to buy anything if
it’s not named after Lilly, David or Michael. She never pays for drinks and her favorite hobbies include blowing frat guys and putting glitter on literally everything. Last but not least, Beth, who reminds everyone that she’s a “country girl” while out at Cool Beans shooting darts every day of the week. She would be charming if she didn’t use phrases like “dag gummit” or hashtagged her instagram photos with #countrycutie. The first week of the move-in brought tears, blood and some rowdy behavior. As soon as the five walked into the door there was a moment of awkward silence, quiet unpacking and trips to the fridge. Hunter didn’t bother unpacking, he dropped his things on the kitchen floor and announced he was going to the liquor store and asked if anyone needed anything. Ashley requested a vodka soda, to which Hunter gave her a confused look. Beth asked for a 12-pack of Bud and of course Madison asked for as much PBR as possible. John asked for some Emergen-C packets “‘cause you never know when a sinus infection will pop up.” When he returned, the group decided the best way to get to know one another is to hit up Tin Roof. However, John declined and said he had an online date with someone named “geeknchic20” on Call of Duty. You’ll get to witness Beth and Hunter’s messy make out session after several shots of Jameson next to the stage
as a local country singer hacks “Wagon Wheel.” Stay tuned for Madison’s liaison with a bearded stranger, and make sure you don’t miss how Ashley leaves the bar with at least three different Sperry-sportin’ frat guys. Other than that, the group acknowledges each other in passing to go to the bathroom and standing in the same general area but never once come together and converse. The series ends rather abruptly as Beth and Hunter realize that their pork session was a mistake and are unable to remain in the same house without making each other, and everybody else who heard their animal noises, very uncomfortable. Madison “peaces out” after
exclaiming that nobody there “got her.” Ashley fell into her hypochondriac ways and left for an extended stay at the hospital. John…may still be living in the house, the season finale left that detail a little hazy. If MTV’s experiment in actual campus life taught The Black Sheep anything, it’s that UT will forever be a place of diversity and preference. We think it’s safe to say that America would rather watch sexually active young alcoholics get directed into cheating on their significant others and starting bar fights than see college kids be college kids. Hey, it’s reality television, not reality.
CURRENT EVENTS
THE
TOP
TEN
WAYS TO CELEBRATE THE CHANGE IN WEATHER AUSTIN McLAURINE WROTE THIS
Temperatures this winter managed to reach single digits and it marked an all-time high for complaints about how cold it is. Thankfully, the weather is starting to show signs that Knoxville is not actually Hoth, so here are some ways to express your appreciation to Mother Nature before climbing into a tauntaun for another month. 10.) Go outside: Get off your computer and go outside. Knowing Tennessee, the weather is bound to change within a day so take advantage of this gift during this dark, exam-filled part of your life. The sun is giving us a cool thumbs up, so go give him one back. 9.) Watch Netflix (next to a window): If going outside proves too much for you, pull up a seat next to the window and bring up Netflix. That way while you’re binging on House of Cards you can glance outside until your eyes stop bleeding.
25% OF STUDENTS READING SATIRICAL PAPER TAKE IT SERIOUSLY STAFF WROTE THIS “The problem with satire is that everyone takes you seriously. I said, ‘yeah guys let’s surrender to the Germans,’ and next thing I know people are laying down their arms. The next day the Nazis are marching in Paris.” – Charles de Gaulle Biology Society and Environment sophomore Alex Johnston was ecstatic after leaving his Thursday afternoon lecture. He just couldn’t wait to tell his friends the news. Running home, he burst through the door and shouted, “Can you believe this!? The Jamaican Bobsled Team won gold at the Olympics, this is unbelievable!” Sadly, his friends didn’t have the heart to tell him that he was duped. “It was pretty funny to see how Alex was believing anything he saw in black and white. We couldn’t tell him he was reading a satirical paper,” Alex’s roommate Adam later told The Black Sheep. “Come on, we all know that Alex isn’t what you’d call the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, so it was funny to let him run with it.” However, what would normally be a practical joke for Adam soon went down a slippery slope. “We started feeding Alex made-up news stories from the least credible internet sources imaginable, and this kid just ate it up.” Adam continued. “Like, we put an article on the fridge titled ‘Cops to Search Student Apartments With Drug Dogs,’ and Alex immediately flushed his pot down the toilet.” Unbeknownst to Alex and his roommates, this trend is nothing new. Anthropology professor Jordan Nelson from the University of Tennessee said, “From the first radio broadcast of War of the Worlds to all the Facebook articles about Obama being a terrorist, people can be real dumbasses sometimes.” One satirical writer was able to tell The Black Sheep his dirty secret. “As a satirical writer I’m always asked ‘how do you quote
06
President DiPietro?’” local satire writer David Notzirinsky explained. “Sadly they don’t realize you can put quotes around anything and say someone said it. Surprisingly, you can lie on paper the same way you lie to your girlfriend about not sleeping around.” While 25% of people reading a satirical piece will not pick up on hyperbole, modern science is trying to address this problem. Satire expert Bob Larson said, “Oftentimes people don’t get that satire isn’t real. Hell I’m sure someone ate a baby after Jonathan Swift wrote A Modest Proposal.” “I’ve developed a bullshit radar for readers,” computer science Senior Louie Treml said. “This amazing program will sense when bullshit levels exceed the normal Fox News levels and get to National Enquirer levels, or even The Onion levels.” While Louie hopes to bring this to market soon, the advanced technology found within it means the device is potentially years away from being available to the general public. “This product just can’t come soon enough for the masses. Lately we’ve seen that the general population can’t think for themselves,” Political science professor Brandon Summers said. He seemed very concerned with an alarming statistic adding, “I read just the other day that 5/4 Americans have trouble with fractions.” “I think the saddest part about people believing anything in black and white is that I invented a country called ‘Hottadogstand’ in the Middle East. I then proceeded to write a political science paper about their oppression of women and free speech and my professor wanted to publish my work.” An anonymous student said to avoid exposing academic dishonesty, “I just did it as a joke and she believed it even after making exorbitant claims.”
8.) Party: What else would you do to enjoy the weather? Have a barbecue or just pull up some chairs on your front lawn. Warm weather is scientifically proven to be more fun than cold weather, even if more fun just means not having to worry about getting hypothermia on the way home. 7.) Go for a drive: Roll down the windows, crank up the tunes, and just keep driving. You’ll have to come back at some point, though. Or don’t, we’re not invested in your grades. 6.) Avoid studying: You’ve worked hard (we’re assuming) all semester long, so we think you deserve a little time to not care. Go do something that doesn’t have to do with succeeding at school. 5.) Sleep in: This isn’t an excuse for the weather so much as it is a good reason anytime of year. Nothing feels better than closing the blinds and sleeping more when the warm sun is shining outside. 4. Skip class: Nobody has time for class now that going outside is a viable option for having fun. Skip that late afternoon class and go sleep on the Hill. The knowledge from Ayres will seep into your brains from the soil. 3.) Break out your Eno: Join the army of hammock users at HHS and sleep your day away with the comfort of not being on the ground. You’ll make some new #hammockforlife friends and will probably play a lot of hacky-sack. 2.) Go to the gym: Whether you actually go or not, the walk to the gym will be nice enough that you won’t feel like it was a complete waste when you decide to just get a smoothie instead of working out. 1.) Pick up a sport: Use this nice weather to your advantage and get some exercise by playing something new, like ultimate Frisbee. Everyone who plays ultimate Frisbee are totally not super competitive ex-high school jocks, and will be glad to help you learn and will definitely throw you the Frisbee to make you feel welcome.
AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
ON THE STREETS WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE LITTLE-KNOWN TURN OF PHRASE? Treena
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away — it’s the only one I know.”
Tyler
“Pay the piper — it means pipers don’t work for free.”
Isabel
“When someone talks the talk but doesn’t walk the walk.”
07
The Black Sheep is Hiring Writers quickly and easily apply today: theblacksheeponline.com/jobs
JACKSON AVE. MARKET
THE BAR GRID BLACKSTOCK
SPECIAL NIGHT
SATURDAY! Waka Flaka Flame / Tech N9ne 10pm, $20
Live Jazz Every Wednesday, Friday and Saturday! Happy Hour Every Day 3-6pm: $2 pints
TUESDAY: $2 Domestic Pints, $4 Double LITs, Trivia Night: Live Team Trivia starts at 9pm
Everyday: Happy Hour! 11AM - 8PM $1 off beer & wine, $1.25 off mixed drinks
MONDAY: Free Hotdog with Draft Purchase (limited 1 per person)
$4.50 Vodka Bombs $2 Bottles $7 Double Vodka Red Bull
Happy Hour 11-8 Ladies Night Specials 4pm-10pm: $2 Mich Ultra Drafts & Bottle, $2 Blue Moon Drafts & Bottle, Half Price Glasses of Wine, Half Price Margaritas, Half Price Pinnacle Flavored Vodka 4pm-close: Half Price Apps for Ladies Only
$10 all you can play arcade games from 8pm-close
Happy Hour 11-8 TGIF: 11-8pm Fish & Chips for $9.99
10% off any meal combos
Happy Hour 11-8 11-8 pm: $7.50 Domestic Pitchers, $10 Specialty Pizza, $5.99 Nachos, $5.99 Burger & Fries, $0.75 Wings
10% off any meal combos
Happy Hour 11-8 COLLEGE NIGHT: VALID ALL DAY w/ student id, $10 One (2/4) Topping Pizza, $.75 Wings & $5.99 nachos, $5.99 Burger and Fries, $2 Domestic Drafts, $5 Domestic Pitchers $4 Vol & Cherry bombs, Grape Shooters $5 Cosmos
Closed
Thursday 2/27
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Thirsty Thursday Drink Specials! Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
Friday 2/28
Confederate Railroad with Brad Puckett 7pm, $10-$13
Jazz Night 9pm Tamara Brown Performing Live! Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
$6 Natty Lite or Coors Original Pitchers All Night
Saturday 3/1
Waka Flaka Flame / Tech N9ne 10pm, $20
Jazz Night 9pm Will Yager Performing Live! Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
$6 Natty Lite & Coors Original Pitchers All Night
$5 Double LIT
$2.50 Jim Beam Drinks
Sunday 3/2
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Jazz Brunch 12-2pm Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
$2 Domestic Bottles & Drafts & $2.50 Wells, $5.50 Domestic Pitchers All Day
Monday 3/3
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Blue Plate Specials! Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
Pint Night: $2 Pints, $5.50 Domestic Pitchers from 9pm-closing
Tuesday 3/4
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
$2 Domestic Pints, $4 Double LITs, Trivia Night: Live Team Trivia starts at 9pm
Wednesday 3/5
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Jazz Night 9pm Preston Shires Performing Live! Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
Happy Hour 11-8 Greek Night! Show Your Letters!
$10 One (2/4) Topping Pizza, $.75 Wings & $5.99 nachos, $5.99 Burger and Fries, $2 Domestic Drafts, $5 Domestic Pitchers, $4 Vol & Cherry Bombs, Grape Shooters, $5 Cosmos
Happy Hour 11-8 8pm-Close: $2 Domestic Drafts $5.99 Cheese Quesadilla ALL DAY 10pm-Close: 50% Off Apps
Free Hotdog with Draft Purchase (limited 1 per person)
$5 36oz PBRs
Wine Down Wednesday
Pint Night: $2 Pints, $2.50 Jim Beam drinks
Happy Hour 11-8, 9pm-Close: $2.50 Domestic Bottles, Half Price Wine Bottles, & 2 for 1 Glass of Wine, 4pm-Close: Half Price Specialty Pizza 10pm-close: Half Price Apps
Buy one, get one free hotdogs!
ARE YOU READY FOR ST.PATTY’S? ORDER BY MARCH 2nd • BLACKSHEEPSWAG.COM Fort Sanders Yacht Club
THE BAR GRID Beer • Liquor • Games •Coffee Wi-Fi • Food
Saturday and Sunday: Brunch 10am - 4pm Over 30 Menu Items, Create Your Own Brunch!
Everyday: $1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics $3 Imports
SATURDAY! DJ Dance Party! 8-9pm 2-for-1 Wells, 9-10pm Animal Hour! 3-for-11 wells $2 Domestics, $3 Imports and $4 Fireball All Night
FRIDAY! Knox County Jug Stompers, Call Me Bronco, Jon “Cornbred” Worley, Whiskey Sessions, 10pm, $5
Ladies Night! 1/2 off everything for women! Beer and appetizers 4pm-close Liquor and wine 4pm-10pm 35 Below, Coolest Dance Club in Downtown Knoxville DJ and Dancing starting at 9!
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Carolina Strawberry Blonde, Killians Red & More!) $3 Imports (Magic Hat #9, Sweet Water IPA & More!)
DJ Jeff & DJ Tapout $1 Drafts until 11pm, $3 Name Your Flavor Lemonades, $4 Bobby Lite & Big Gulps, $2 Domestic Bottles
35 Below, Coolest Dance Club in Downtown Knoxville-DJ and Dancing starting at 9pm Check out our brand new VIP section and upgraded state-ofthe-art light and sound system!
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Yuengling Lager/Lite/Bockbeer, Mich Amber & More!) $3 Imports (Fat Tire, Shiner White Wing, Yazoo Pale Ale & More!)
DJ Dance Party with DJ Jersey Jeff! 8-9pm 2-for-1 Wells, 9-10pm Animal Hour! 3-for-11 wells, $2 Domestics All Night & Bottomless Drafts from 11 - Close
Brunch 10am - 4pm, $3 Mimomas 35 Below, Coolest Dance Club in Downtown Knoxville-DJ and Dancing starting at 9pm. Check out our brand new VIP section and upgraded state-of-the-art light and sound system!
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Carolina Blonde, Mich Amber, Bud Light & More!) $3 Imports (Magic Hat #9, New Belgium 1554/Spring Blond & More!)
DJ Dance Party! 8-9pm 2-for-1 Wells, 9-10pm Animal Hour! 3-for-11 wells $2 Domestics, $3 Imports and $4 Fireball All Night
Best Brunch in Downtown Knoxville! 10am - 4pm Home of the $3 Mimosa
Open 12 - 6 Half Price Hookah! $1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics $3 Imports
Open for Booking! Call (865)766-9154
Try our new spring menu!
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Carolina Blonde, Mich Amber, Bud Light & More!), $3 Imports (Magic Hat #9, Stella, Sweet Water IPA & More!) $5 Hookah Sessions!
1/2 off large pizza from 4-close - Dine in only Scarecrow Winter Games! Play our games and have a chance to win a grand prize trip to Las Vegas!
1/2 off bottles of wine 4pm - 10pm Excluding house bottles
SAT: Disco Night!
Bring your own disco records!
$1 OFF ALL 24/25 OUNCE FOSTERS & RED STRIPE! Comedy Show at 7pm and Live Music After
SPECIAL NIGHT
Nurses Night Out, 6pm $10 Advance/$15 Door
Bring Your Own Vinyl and Record Swap Night + Weekly Raffle for $25 Gift Certificate to Wild Honey Records $1 OFF ALL IMPORTS!!
Thursday 2/27
Knox County Jug Stompers, Call Me Bronco, Jon “Cornbred” Worley, Whiskey Sessions, 10pm, $5
Live Music Nights! (please PM for booking)
Friday 2/28
Disco Night!
Matt Woods with Ben Knight and the Well Diggers and TBA, 10pm
Bring your own disco records!
$1 OFF ALL 24/25 OUNCE FOSTERS & RED STRIPE! Comedy Show at 7pm and Live Music After
Saturday 3/1
Come party at The Well!
Open at 8pm! Video Game Tournament Night - Winner Receives $12 Bar Credit! PLUS HAPPY HOUR FROM 8-10:30!
Sunday 3/2
Open for Booking! Call (865)766-9154
Comedy Con Queso 9pm, FREE! England in 1819, 10pm, FREE!
Cumberland Glass Raffle Night! $1 off all domestics
Monday 3/3
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Carolina Strawberry Blonde, Yuengling Lager/ Lite & More!), $3 Imports (New Belgium Fat Tire/1554/ Spring Blond & More!)
Open for Booking! Call (865)766-9154
Einstein Simplified Improv Comey Show, 8pm, FREE! Wes Wyrick, Gabriel White, Crowd, 10pm
Two Dollar Tuesdays Metal NIght w/ James $2 pints all day long!
Tuesday 3/4
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Yuengling Bockbeer, Mich Amber, & More!), $3 Imports (Shiner White Wing, Blue Moon, Yazoo Pale Ale & More!)
DOLLAR NIGHT! $1 Wells until 10, $1 Domestics until 11, $1 Drafts until 12, $2 Domestics & $3 Imports All Night
John Moreland, Aaron Lee Tasjan, 8pm, $5
Hookah Night (21 and up) PLUS Sweets & Wheats & Ciders are $1 off!
Wednesday 3/5
Survivor Ratings Falter, More Boobs Is The Answer Hugh Jass wrote this
After the Survivor: Caramoan season finale hit an all-time low of a paltry 10.16 million viewers, producers decided that they needed to do something drastic to bring the show’s waning viewership out of a tailspin. But reenergizing a program that was faltering as it approached its 30th season was not going to be a cakewalk. After running through various scenarios that included tribes composed of pro athletes, deposed politicians, and washed-up singers, producers finally settled upon a format for the 28th season. The show’s development staff unanimously decided that there needed to be more boobs on prominent display. In order to do that while appearing politically correct, they divided the tribes by the traits of “Brawn, Brains, Beauty.” Unfortunately, the season premiere of Cagayan did not fare nearly as well as CBS analysts predicted, and it left producers of the show scrambling. “We really messed up on this one. There weren’t nearly enough boobs, and the Brain tribe was just plain awful,” said producer Jeff Probst. “Everybody hates nerds, that’s why we gave them all swirlies in junior high. I don’t know what we were thinking.” Probst, along with the other producers, put together a crack focus group to confirm suspicions of where they went wrong. Unsurprisingly their fears were correct, and the focus groups demonstrated that people cared least for the Brain tribe, with reasons ranging from “They ain’t got no nice titties on ‘em” to “If I wanted to watch a bunch of ugly, unfunny brainiacs I’d be tuning into The Big Bang Theory.” Probst and the producers had forgotten the golden rule of reality television: intelligence has no place in it. “People who watch reality television fall into two camps,” explained Probst. “The first camp is made up of people who want to laugh at the subjects and feel more secure about their lives. Take Jersey Shore for example. They look and those idiots and say ‘I might be a slut, but hey, at least I’m not as bad as Snooki!’ The second camp of people wants to see catfights and look at boobs,” Probst adjusted his crotch, attempting to conceal his enthusiasm. “Personally, I fall into the second camp, which is partially why we went the direction that we did.”
“If I wanted to watch a bunch of ugly, unfunny brainiacs I’d be tuning into The Big Bang Theory.” With Survivor being filmed in the summer and broadcast months later, altering the show was going to be an issue. However, all the participants were rounded back up to re-film, except for one group. “We completely took the Brain team off the island, and replaced them with models from the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition,” a wild-eyed Probst claimed. “The season is also being rebranded with the three tribes representing Brawn, Boobies, and More Boobies. We figured we’d stop pulling punches and call a spade a spade.” Probst tapped six models from the 2014 Swimsuit Edition roster. Among the newly-added contestants is Kate Upton, two-time cover girl for Sports Illustrated. “We’re thrilled that we were able to snag her. Without her we would’ve really had some problems reaching our DD-cup quota, but she gave us a lot of headroom” Probst said, grinning from ear to ear. Probst is especially excited for Hannah Davis to be joining the cast. “She’s one of my favorites. Her body is perfection, and I’m very excited to be only feet away from her in a swimsuit,” he raved, excusing himself to the bathroom. Early polls are demonstrating that the show may nearly double its viewership when the new cast makes its debut. “We’ve been toying with the idea of having a live episode and there being a ‘wardrobe malfunction.’ The money we’ll reap in viewership numbers will far outweigh whatever fine gets stamped on us. This is off the record, right?” a very sweaty Jeff Probst asked. “I didn’t even realize that show was still on television, but if there is even the slightest chance that Kate Upton’s top might fall off I’ll be watching every episode,” said Sam Dean, a recent graduate. “Hell, I sat through all of Piranha 3D because there were some topless broads in it, I can deal with Survivor.” There will also be new challenges to capitalize on the new cast. “I’m really looking forward to the kissing contests, which I’m going to be judging of course,” Probst chortled. Season 28 will also see the addition of contests like a slow motion jogging challenge as well as bikini mud wrestling. However, the original Beauty team is not happy with the addition of the swimsuit models. “I was supposed to be salivated over. I was supposed to be the one everyone was talking about. Now they bring in all these models and I’m playing second fiddle,” scowled Morgan McLeod. McLeod is not alone, as many of the other members of the Beauty squad have complained as well. “I was brought here on the grounds that I would be able to flirt my way through the entire competition. Forcing me to use my other, less developed skills is completely unfair and not what I signed up for,” stated former beauty pageant contestant and current trophy wife Kelly Demming. Upper management at CBS was initially concerned that the addition of models to the program wouldn’t be catering to the female audience enough, but a short meeting with all the castmates changed that. “The girls really got into it at our first meeting, it was wild. There was hair pulling, screaming, the whole nine yards,” said Probst with a smile. “This is starting to become The Real Housewives of Survivor, and chicks love that type of garbage.” While it has become clear that Survivor is on its last legs, producers believe they can squeeze out a dozen more seasons with the new format. “We figure that as long as people are still tuning into TLC to watch 600-pound people try to live their lives, there is a place for Survivor on the dial. Especially if the show has lots of boobs. And exciting challenges, but mostly boobs,” said Probst as he grabbed a bottle of lotion and left the room.
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Relationship Status: In a relationship Favorite Drink: Jack and Coke
BARTENDER
Favorite Shot: Whiskey Disgusting Drink: Gin and tonic What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever seen someone do for a free drink?: Boones Farm challenge. What beer or liquor has changed most in popularity during your time working here?: The Samuel Smith’s Winter Welcome.
ROCKSTAR
Physically, what animal do you most resemble?: Lioness Is alcohol a drug, why or why not?: Yea, but girls just want to have fun. If you had to brush your teeth with a bathroom staple besides toothpaste, what would it be?: Baking soda. Did you know the phrase “barking up the wrong tree” is actually about a time when oak bark grew on a birch tree?: No I didn’t.
OF THE WEEK
If you were a Greek god of something, you’d be the Greek god of…: Gemstones
Tory of Yacht Club
DRINKING GAME Saucy Skyscraper When flip cup and beer bongin’ cheap beer just doesn’t do it for you anymore, it’s time to pull out the fancy stuff. This game involves some minor engineering skills, though, so get your nerdy friends to have some fun with you for once. What You’ll Need: A die, 1 shot glass, 3 cups, bottle of tequila, case of beer, bottle of wine, some sort of whiskey or rum, Coke (or any other mixer you want), and a bunch of sturdy coasters. Number of Players: As many as you want! Level of Intoxication: Just hope lady luck is on your side or things can turn ugly. How to Play: - Make a tower of drinks in the following order (top to bottom): shot glass of tequila, half-filled cup of a mixed drink, full cup of a mixed drink, full cup of white wine, and a can of beer. - When you stack up the drinks, put a coaster in between each layer. If this is just like, way too difficult for you to handle, you can place them in order on the table instead. (It’s not really a Saucy Skyscraper then. It’s more like a Liquor Line.) - Players take turns rolling the die. The first person to roll a 6 takes the shot of tequila. - Continue rolling until the next person gets a 6. He or she must then remove the coaster. The next person to roll a 6 drinks the half-cup mixed drink. - The game continues in this way—waiting for players to roll a 6, removing the coasters and drinking up. - While playing, always wait for the person to finish their drink before rolling the die, EXCEPT for the beer. As soon as someone rolls a 6 and is stuck drinking the beer, the rest of the players pass the die, trying to roll a 6 before the beer is gone. - If the drinker finishes the beer first, all the other players have to take a shot. If someone rolls a 6 before the beer is done, the drinker must finish the can and then take a shot as well.
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Why should people read The Black Sheep?: It’s a cool local paper.
RECIPE for DISASTER Chocolate-Covered Bacon Two of the world’s greatest creations combined together can only mean one thing: a sweet and crunchy mouth orgasm. Skip the gym today, stay home in your favorite sweatpants and turn on that Law & Order: SVU marathon, baby. The only place you’re going is chocolate-covered bacon heaven. What You’ll Need: 1 pound of thick cut bacon (DON’T be cute and get turkey bacon), 12 ounces of white chocolate, 12 ounces of dark chocolate, 12 ounces of milk chocolate, 12 ounces of more chocolate just for the hell of it, and any toppings you want (sprinkles, crushed nuts, more bacon, etc.) Cook Time: 30-45 minutes Fatty Factor: You can’t have too much of a good thing. Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat your oven to 375 degrees and line a baking sheet with parchment paper. - Bake the bacon in the oven for 20 minutes until it’s nice and crispy. - Let the bacon cool for a few minutes before putting the slices on paper towels to soak up the extra grease. - Melt your chocolate on very low heat in different pots over the stove. You should probably do them one at a time because we know you’re not good at multitasking and because chocolate can burn pretty easily. - Using tongs, dip a slice of bacon into your chocolate of choice and make sure both sides are coated. Lay the dipped pieces down on a clean sheet of parchment paper. - Sprinkle the freshly-dipped bacon with your toppings—sprinkles, more crunchy bacon bits, cinnamon, crushed almonds, anything you want!
The Game Ends When: You finish the tower and still have enough alcohol to build another one!
Let the chocolate sit for a few minutes or put them in the refrigerator until they’re hard. Eat up!
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ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW TO SOUND LIKE YOU KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS YEAR’S OSCARS SCOTT HANNAH WROTE THIS
If you’ve been paying even a lick of attention to your most insufferable friend, you should know by now that the Academy Awards are just around the corner. This year, of the six main awards: picture, director, and the acting ones, all 34 nominees come from 11 different movies, so it won’t take long to catch up and sound like the biggest asshole at your Oscars viewing party. But if actually watching the movies is too much of an investment of your time, here’s breakdown of what matters most in each film that will have you sounding like a movie snob in no time. 12 Years a Slave: Roots came out over 30 years ago, so with white guilt at its lowest point since the 80s, Hollywood made sure white people everywhere would have something to hang their heads about. Fat Jay Z, aka Steve McQueen, delivered a heartfelt story from the slave’s perspective. If you’ve ever wondered what your waiter was feeling when you were treating him like shit, this movie is about as close as it gets. When it comes to nominations this movie has them all… well, not really, but it does have the most at ten — tied with Gravity. Ever since this
movie came out, it’s been dubbed the best picture and will more than likely win that award, along with everything else it was nominated for, and maybe a few others for good measure. The Academy tends to love movies that make people feel like shit. American Hustle: Have you noticed a severe lack of Jew fros, chest hair, and comb overs in your day-to-day life? Thankfully, this movie has you covered. The cast is the bright spot in this movie, which is surprising considering the horrendously bright and ugly colors of 70s style. Thanks to the Academy’s system of only one actor being a lead in a movie, Bradley Cooper will probably win Best Supporting Actor. He’s a good supporting actor in the way that Andrew Luck was a good backup to Tom Brady in the Pro Bowl, or a shot of vodka is a good chaser for a shot of whisky. Gravity: If you didn’t see it in theaters or don’t own a 3D TV, don’t bother watching this movie. If you’ve ever said something out loud when you’re alone and thought, “People would think I’m crazy if they actually
heard me say this,” that’s essentially Sandra Bullock’s whole performance in a nutshell. The fact that this movie is watchable at parts is a credit to Alfonso Cuaron, who should win Best Director, and the sound team who mixed an amazing soundtrack. We’re not sure who Sandra Bullock had sex with to get nominated for Best Actress, but we would bet Vol basketball winning the NCAA tournament before we’d bet on her to win. Dallas Buyers Club: Can we take a minute to just appreciate Matthew McConaughey… Ok. Thanks. Somewhere there is Dorian Gray-esque portrait of Matthew McConaughey getting worse at acting. Or maybe it’s not a portrait, maybe it’s just Nicholas Cage. If all is right in the universe, Matty McRenaissance will be the third actor to win back-to-back Best Actors, because he’ll win it this year and next year for Interstellar. Jared Leto is the main competitor for Best Supporting Actor/Actress/30 Seconds to Mars front man. Stacey Campfield could learn a thing or two after watching Ron Woodroof change his radical opinion about homosexuals thanks
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to Leto’s performance. The Wolf of Wall Street: If you truly want a succinct overview about this movie, the quickest way would probably be to find the nearest computer and google “boobs + quaaludes.” It’s Playboy magazine brought to life, if all the articles were about drugs. The movie has no chance to win any awards nor does Jonah Hill for Best Supporting Actor, unless the Academy is really into masturbating scenes. Unfortunately for Leo, he delivers what might be his best performance ever, however, he’s not playing a slave, rocking a comb over, or Matthew McConaughey, so he’s going to have to keep waiting on that elusive Oscar. Her: A director who used to produce skateboarding videos, a white lead actor who gave up acting to rap, and a sexy lead actress who you never see, what’s not to love about Her? Hopefully future generations will look back at Spike Jonze and think, “that was the man who changed films forever,” but it’ll most likely be for his role as an old lady in a fat suit in the Jackass movies.
Captain Phillips: The biggest nerd in Hollywood just went and made another movie t hatshowcases a real life hero’s bravery and courage in the face of danger, yawn. We get it Tom Hanks, you like history — and awards — give it a rest already. Nebraska/Philomena: We didn’t even watch these movies, and we’re fairly certain people who voted on the awards didn’t watch these movies either. Well, one of them looks like it’s about an old man and his son looking for something or retracing their steps from the past,
and the other is about an old woman doing old woman things. Trust us, no one is going to want to talk to you about these movies, so just move on. Inside Llewyn Davis: … did not get nominated, is how that sentence ends. The Coen Brothers and all their pretentious fans can suck it. Since we did the work for you, and you no longer need to watch these movies to sound the world’s greatest film aficionado, go out and do something useful with your time like finish House of Cards.
THE KEANU REEVES SHUFFLE Do you know what movies all of these Keanu Reeves characters are from? Email us at backpage@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!
FILM BANK
1) Point Break 2) Speed 3) The Devil’s Advocate 4) The Matrix 5) The Replacements
6) 47 Ronin 7) The Day the Earth Stood Still 8) Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure 9) Constantine
the crossword ACROSS: 3) This company is famous for making baked goods and more, two words. 5) SJP played this Carrie on Sex and the City. 6) Sarah Drew plays this doctor on Grey’s Anatomy. 7) Darlene Connor of Roseanne’s real last name. 11) Sarah comedian who was married to Jimmy Kimmel. 12) Sara Quin is one-half of the duo featuring her twin sister named what? 13) Sarah Palin was governor of this state. 14) SARAH is a fictional smart house in what SyFy TV Series? 15) This famous children’s book featured Sarah, who was plain and what? 16) One of the most famous jazz singers of our time, Sarah who? 17) Sarah Ferguon is this kind of royalty of York.
famous sara(h)s late-90s dreamboat. 2) Sara Blakely is the founder of this popular women’s undergarment company. 3) Sarah, the private college. 4) This famous Sara had the 2007 hit song “Love Song.” 8) Sarah McLachlan founded this woman-friendly music festival, two words. 9) This Florida city’s motto is “Where Urban Amenities Meet Small-Town Living.” 10) Former Playermate of the Year and host of G4’s Attack of the Show!
DOWN: 1) Sarah Michelle Gellar married this
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the m.a.s.h.
oh come on, you remember how to play! tally some marks on the paper for as long as your brain tells you to, then count through the whole list and cross off whatever corresponds with that number. when there’s only one left in each category, boom, that’s your future. live it, love it.
The best man is… - Drake - Jay Z - Kendrick Lamar - Eminem
She got you a blinged out… - Rolex. - cat collar. - tapestry. - vintage Shelby Cobra.
The band at your wedding was… - U2 - Neutral Milk Hotel - Dashboard Confessional - Radiohead
His special gift for you was… - a brand-new elliptical. - 1% stake in the Dallas Cowboys. - a naked sculpture of himself. - a few bars of gold.
The celebrity priest was… - Lil’ Wayne - Coolio - All of the Wu-Tang Clan - Nas
They performed your first dance song… - “Sweet Caroline” - “D.A.N.C.E” - “Psycho Killer” - The Star-Spangled Banner
The maid of honor is…. - Nick Minaj - Missy Elliot - Chanel West Coast - Beyonce
He even got you a present! - A subscription to Entertainment Weekly. - A $150 Victoria’s Secret gift card. - A Milky Way candy bar. - A gold iPhone 5.
Your favorite moment of the night was… - Leaving. - Falling asleep on the wedding cake. - Seeing your maid of honor and the priest hook-up. - finally having a decent poop.