The Black Sheep
FR E ba E... sk lik et e U ba T ll stu tic d ket ent s!
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 1, Issue 9 11/8/12 - 11/14/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheepUTK
Differences in Perspective for No Shave November Katie Vaughn wrote this
No Shave November? Hah! More like no sex November. Honestly, it’s a made up holiday that centers on the male population’s sad attempt to grow hair to reassure themselves of their masculinity. Here we’re going to to explore men’s reasoning behind this faux show of masculinity, and also how women feel about their partner’s, brother’s, and father’s decisions to participate in this not-so-great tradition. The girls here at The Black Sheep are convinced that this is the general thought process of the men partaking in this dumb-as-rocks holiday. “YEAH MAN I’m not going to shave one inch of my face in hopes that I’ll end up resembling a venereal disease-ridden homeless man. I’m going to be so good looking and burly. Bitches love them burly men, like lumberjacks. I should just become a lumberjack and live in the woods with my manly beard and an axe. Get all the bitches. Yeah, that girl is totally diggin’ it. I’m a man this month. Whoa, that dude shaved this morning? Pussy. If I grow it out forever and then shave it, it will come back THICKER and then every month can be No Shave November!” But there’s a problem. Those males who are unable to grow hair on four different spots on their face negate the potency of this season of no shaving. Not only do they look like they do meth on the reg, but they made themselves even more unattractive than if they were to have a full-on lumberjack beard. Amazing. Also, if one were to decide to literally not shave ANYTHING on one’s body this month then we have bigger (well, probably smaller) problems than just a gross face. Listen; think about a small tree in a grassy field. If you shave the grass around that tree, it would look bigger – correct? Please shave the grassy field around your tree, and if you’re not getting this metaphor then please take just one remedial English class. From a woman’s perspective, we don’t quite understand the purpose or motivation for this. “You’re seriously doing that this month?” is the phrase uttered out of the mouths of all women who, for the next few weeks, will hopelessly try to convince their boyfriends to “at least trim it or something.”
Hurricane Pains
Who invited the hurricane?
Truth is, we’re not about to let you buy us a drank at the bar if you look like a sexual predator. And if you want us to kiss that bush on your face, you better have a beard trimmer at the ready, or you can go ahead and never try to do that again. At the end of the month there is not any sort of prize given out to the grossest, “manliest” beard around, so we’re still trying to figure out what the point is. If there were such a contest however, we would be fully supportive. Get Zach
what’s inside the best in halloween party pics
we’re pretty impressed by the pair of flip-flops, how ‘bout you?
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Galifianakis to judge it and you might actually have something worth doing. Until then, this month will continue to puzzle the ladyfolk who would rather not participate in a tradition that asks them to sport the legs and underarms of a ”free” French lady. Also, it’s not like dudes really check each other’s beard and converse about them every day, like girls would. Guilty.
An Ode to Bacon The more you eat the better you
feel, so let’s eat bacon for every meal! ... wait.
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contents page 5: From the streets
Who would you have elected?
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
page 7
page 7: AMP Up Your Parties
Because a Kanye Pandora playlist is getting old.
Table of
page 7: the top 10: Crutch Words
We yell at college students for sounding stupid and demand more from them.
page 11: the black sheep interviews AWOLNATION
We chat with AWOLNATION, the brainchild of Aaron Bruno.
page 12: bartender of the week
Jesse from Rumorz thinks every Monday should be PDM.�
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Are Jolted
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last week’s answers
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Emmy Rossum & Orlando Bloom
word of the week Brotive:
Any reason a guy lists for joining a fraternity.
“Dylan’s brotives for rushing were simple: beer and sex.”
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Hurricane Pains
TBS STAFF wrote this
Shitwreck Sandy just brought down houses all along the east coast, and not in the cool way *NSYNC did over a decade ago. Just like everyone chose which boy band’s back they would support forever, everyone has their preferences in reacting to the deadly display Mother Nature put on last week. In the wake of this tragedy most of the nation has been sympathetic, offering support to the victims of Sandy’s destruction. Still, landlocked states have only shown signs of sympathy, not empathy; we don’t get our wind served with gallons of water. The naive comments—ranging from curiousness over the cancellation of the New York City Marathon, to bad jokes about Sandy finally cleaning all the (white) trash off of Long Island—are intended to be goodnatured, even if it the comment makes it obvious that whatever drone babbling it is only thinking of themselves. Even the socially conscious students, from vegans to child hunger advocates that flood Knoxville’s campus, say things like, “At least we got out of school!” It’s hard to argue with the power of this statement, everyone loves not being in school when you’re supposed to be in school… but those free days won’t seem so great when they’re spent watching violence erupt in New York City gas lines, while the dead are uncovered from rubble strewn along city streets. Sad face.
Then there’s the dolts that use national tragedy to further their own agenda. These are the extreme crazies who force their voice into the discussion, even when no one wants to hear them. There’s the benign wackjobs, who blame the lack of health care in modern zoos on the presidency of George Bush Sr., but then there’s the true assholes. We’re talking both the “God is doing this because dudes are marrying dudes,” people. When some national disaster happens, all these crazies come out of their cult caves to spout their crazybabble on sandwich board signs and stupid blogs. These folks say—without a hint of sarcasm, mind you - “At least them man-lovers will know what God thinks when they touch eachotha’s butts!” Yes Jethro, you’re right. Reigning in homosexuality is the cure-all for weather control. Maybe we should listen to these radical lunatics… You know those days when it’s absolutely perfect - the sun is shining, there’s a slight breeze, a pep in your step, and everything is just freaking dandy? THOSE ARE THE DAYS THAT THE ILLUMINATI KEEPS THE GAYS IN THEIR CAGES. And don’t even get us started on national weather man Al Roker. How do you think he got to be as good as he is? Well, when he’s feeling like a little rain he demands some brain from some guy named Shane. Wants it sunny? He bangs his honey. Re-
ally, it makes way too much sense if you don’t really think about it, like, at all. Point being: shut up. Those who make use the plight of others to make a point about their fringe belief don’t make any progress, they just end up looking like a big group of shitheads. Being edgy has a time and a place, and it’s at the tail end of frat parties. In times of crisis myopic viewpoints are unnecessary and unwelcomed, don’t be that guy. Stay classy, ‘Murica.
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From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
Who would you have elected for president? “I would want Santa to be president!” - Claire H.
“Albus Dumbledore.” - Staci P.
“My Dog.” - Greyson D.
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)
The Top 10
Crutch Words
Amp Up Your Parties
TBS Staff wrote this
Are you planning on throwing a house party? Well, great! But what will differentiate your party from the hundreds of others being thrown that same weekend? Well, we ask you these questions: Do you like music? Do you like fish sticks? Do you know the capital of Kazakhstan? You may not know the answers to these questions, but you should know that one of the best ways to listen to music is live and locally. Therefore, why not utilize the great talent in our very own Knoxvegas and get some live music for your next get together? There’s a multitude of options for your entertainment pleasure, but the two that The Black Sheep have had the pleasure of experiencing is the band HoneyDutch, and DJ Henry McCall. We’ve all witnessed the sad sight of a young band trying to collectively play a song that can’t seem to get away from lametown, and not even the act of shotgunning an entire six pack will make their set sound the least bit better. For better or for worse, college bands seem to hang around campus forever, but you would be lucky to catch these two acts while you’re still here. Fortunately, the legendary Fort Sanders band HoneyDutch is composed of three guys that aren’t annoying as hell to watch. One of the best things about actually watching them play: they don’t act like they have something to prove. This group has an alternative vibe with some funky improvised grooves intertwined, all the while holding onto the foundations of rock. It takes a lot to entertain a drunken crowd with original songs, and these guys do so with ease. It’s really pathetic to watch an amateur band attempt to play some ballsy cover, but thankfully this is not the case with HoneyDutch. The band is able to pick up a song on demand, and
just the pure energy exuding from their instrumental solos is enough to make you cheer for this local band as if you were at a Beatles concert in the 60s. It’s all about the good feelings with these fellows, and it’s a guaranteed good time if they are entertaining during the night. On the flip side, a house party staple is obviously a DJ. You could try to enlist a band to play at your house, but they take up a bunch of room and play three songs, then try to get laid because they “are in the band.” Instead of having that one friend that convinces you he has “great taste in music” so he will be in charge of the iPod all night, why not consider having a pro like DJ Henry? This kid is so good at spinning he should go into politics, and having a good DJ can make or break your party. Whether it be singalongs or sick dance beats, DJ Henry is the mixology master of song. He also won’t roll his eyes at your lame request (“It’s Throwback Thursday, let’s get some Backstreet Boys up in here!”), and will probably make it 20 times better than before with his adept wizard skills. The mad talent he displays on the discs lassos in the finest packs of sorority girls into your party. And even if dancing isn’t for you, watching the dance floor is equally as entertaining with some awesome music. Just try to not look really creepy, and all will be well. Point blank – DJ Henry won’t leave you disappointed because he didn’t play your favorite jam, or because he played way too much Flo-Rida. So be prepared to remember your first beer and party ‘til the break of dawn. It’s in your best health interest to check these guys out. If you want a preliminary showing to convince you they’re awesome, they can often be seen at Ooga Mooga’s. It’s time to face the music, Knoxville: there’s more to life than mediocre covers of “Wagon Wheel” (bless its heart).
10.) Honestly: Usually found lodged between a “like” and a subjective statement, this crutch only serves to affirm your shallow personality. Honestly, it’s like they’re trying to sound like a moron. 9.) Basically: The person that uses this doesn’t trouble themselves with the details; they want the big picture and nothing more.They will strip any idea of unnecessary baggage and force blank stares from you when they regurgitate their interpretation. It’s basically like watching someone drive a car. (It makes sense if you don’t think about it.) 8.) You Know: The interjecting of “ya’knows” between statements has long been a staple phrase of “the moron.” This person is well aware that their communication abilities suck and they are making every effort (after every sentence) to make sure you’re following their train of thought. 7.) Irregardless: This is a word crutch in the sense that it is an extremely irritating non-word that makes one want to put the user on crutches. We’re in college; we should know the difference between “their,” “there,” and “they’re.” Furthermore, we should know better than to use a fictitious word. Double negatives are like heroin: you use it once and get addicted to the pseudo-intellectual babble that is spilling effortlessly from your mouth. Heroin might be worse, but not by much. 6.) Okay: This one is found right at the beginning of a sentence and is usually followed by an exasperated sigh and a bulleted “so.” It’s also used to interrupt people while they’re talking, so that it sounds like you actually give a damn about what’s coming out of their mouth. Shut up and listen, okay? 5.) Seriously: This one is seriously an annoying word. How would we know they weren’t being serious of they didn’t tell us? Seriously, stop it. 4.) Personally: The Black Sheep is all about personal opinions, but we’re subtle about throwing them at people (sometimes). Anytime someone starts a sentence with “Personally...” We all know that the words to follow will be lacking in substance and credible weight. Everyone is entitled to an opinion, but that doesn’t mean it should be shared. 3.) Um, Ah, or Uh: Shifting gears from one topic to another, or even from one word to the next, can be a struggle. The “ums,” “ahs,” and “uhs” are the gears grinding in your brain as you struggle to spit words out of your face. There’s nothing more embarrassing than stalling a car, or in this case, your brain. 2.) Literally: This is literally one of the most overused and annoying crutches. It’s used incorrectly by placing it in front of an obviously untrue statement. Pick up a dictionary, try to figure out how to spell “literally,” and bash the book against your head until you get the definition through your skull. 1.) Like: Valley girls unite. If you’re incapable of speaking without interrupting yourself every other word, you need to slow down and, like, um, think about what you’re, like, going to say. Personally, I think that word crutches are literally worse than murder. Seriously. Okay, but like honestly, it doesn’t matter if English is “hard.” Irregardless, you need to figure it out, because basically, you sound like an idiot if you don’t. Ya’know?
TBS STAFF wrote this
If you don’t start following us...
YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.
@BLACKSHEEPUTK
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FRIDAY! FREE BEER! $5 Liquor Pitcher ($3 Add Another Shot) $3 Wells, $3 Apple Pie Moonshine, $3 24oz Natty & Keystone $2 PBR & Highlife Tallboys
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Half Price Pint Night
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Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!
Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!
Book Your Private Parties Here! 865-525-0004 rumorz@charter.net
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ou y n a c y O sa ? e i v o m see this In honor of Veteran’s Day, and just because we generally love America more than any other publication on the planet, we went ahead and reviewed four upcoming movies that will bring out the patriot in you. If you don’t leave the theater chanting “USA!” after these movies, then you can see yourself to Canada, friend-o. By: Brendan and Quinn
Lincoln: Nov. 16
Django Unchained: Dec. 25
Daniel Day-Lewis isn’t a stranger to taking on powerful American motifs (There Will Be Blood, Gangs of New York, The Crucible, etc.), so expect nothing short of greatness as he takes on Honest Abe in the twilight of his presidency. Steven Spielberg focuses the film on Lincoln’s struggles to unite the country and permanently end slavery with the Thirteenth Amendment.
Where Lincoln focuses on some boring white bureaucrats looking to reunite a divided America through the guise of ending slavery, Django Unchained promises no such thing. Quentin Tarantino’s latest is a western that sees a recentlyfreed slave and his bounty hunter buddy searching for Django’s enslaved wife, Broomhilda.
Since the film focuses on latter-day Lincoln, DayLewis won’t be shirtlessly wrestling townboys or chopping down wood. Don’t worry, you’ll still get a nice American pride-boner in watching a vehement president willing his country forward despite a drastically (and literally) dichotomous nation. Such is a boner we just don’t get very often these days.
This movie is nothing less than a blood-spattered Declaration of Independence. Life? Well, by default everyone in this movie is alive (for part of it). Liberty? It’s a film featuring a freed slave hunting down his wife so she too can ascend beyond the shackles of bondage. The pursuit of happiness? Uh, getting laid and killing slave owners should make most anyone grin ear-to-ear.
But, much like Pursuit of Happyness provided a peppering of “the American Dream is still real” for down-and-out viewers, and Jurassic Park gave hope to disenfranchised dinosaur enthusiasts - Lincoln will hopefully inebriate the American people into hoping a divided nation can move forward as a union and that legislators would realize a house divided against itself really won’t stand. We’ll also inevitably yearn for a time when we could have a president whose debatable religious affiliation and beard wouldn’t instantly draw months of media coverage and “terrorist” accusations.
Beyond that, the trademark Tarantino stylization mimics the way we choose to view those early American documents we hold so sacred. A black slave named Broomhilda Von Shaft? Only possible in a Tarantino flick, much the same way we conveniently look past the inherent racism in those early documents. Freedom of speech (for white people). Freedom to elect leaders (for white people). Freedom to bear arms (for white people). Freedom to enjoy Django Unchained outside of historical context (for everyone).
Our Favorite Trailer-Quote: Here stepped out upon the world’s stage now with the fate of human dignity upon our hands. Blood’s been spilled to afford us this moment.
Our Favorite Trailer Quote: Kill white people and they pay you for it? What’s not to like?
Red Dawn: Nov. 21
Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2: Nov. 16
This fall we’ll be treated to the rehashing of a 1984 movie that frames the Cold War versus the Soviets in a way that romanticizes revolt in the face of Communist conquest. This 2012 flick paints the evil-but-inept North Koreans as invaders of Washington, the state. Oh America, land of the paranoid and home of the almighty dollar. Since the days of Alexander Hamilton the United States has always been concerned with her positioning on the world’s stage. This movie calls out to these fears because really, North Korea, a country swept by famine and sporting a paper tiger military is going to somehow launch a secret invasion on American that we couldn’t repel in like…10 minutes. Unless…
If you’re thinking, “Wait, the last three movies were like, super American, and this isn’t American at all,” it’s because you’re a typical American, looking to be spoon-fed easily-digestible content. And that’s what makes the final installment of Twilight American. It spoon-feeds easily digestible content to the greatest demographic on the planet: teenage girls. None but the entertainment powerhouse that is America could churn out four vampire-themed romance novels at a fourth grade reading level, then turn those four shitty books into five shitty movies that make upwards of $700,000,000 each. EACH!
Unless, of course, the movie was shot with China as the bad guys, and last-minute changes were made because money is more important than artistic integrity. Uh huh, in post-production the bad dudes were changed to North Koreans even though, again, an attack by them would result in the swift and total annihilation of anything sporting a PRK logo. Do you smell that? It’s not napalm, it’s money.
Nothing is more American than profiting off of young girls’ emotions, cramming it down the rest of the world’s throat, and distracting us from harsh, difficult realities with an easy to argue Team Jacob vs. Team Edward debate. As you leave the theater, nothing should make you more proud than knowing that that theatric abortion is one of the stabilizing forces in the failing global economy. USA! USA! USA!
Our Favorite Trailer Quote: We inherited our freedom, now it’s up to all of us to fight for it.
Our Favorite Trailer-Quote: So beautiful... we are the same temperature now.
the interview
awolnation
We caught up with Aaron Bruno, the founder and front man of the electric rock band AWOLNATION. Their latest album Megalithic Symphony was released in March 2011 and is available on iTunes. He was nice. By Michael McSherry The Black Sheep: So let’s hear a little bit about how the tour is going so far. What are some of the best and worst things about it? Aaron: The best part is getting to travel around the country – we’re selling out almost all of our shows, and it’s a huge accomplishment to be the band that gets to headline. The hard work paid off. We had to build it from scratch, and we were so different from anything else when we started. It’s a wonderful thing. It’s very flattering and humbling to see the fruit of your labor. And the worst part about this tour, well, it’s not easy to maneuver around like I used to be able to. I can’t just walk out into the crowd and watch the other bands that I’ve become friends with. I can’t just wander around the vicinity of the venue. TBS: Well, AWOLNATION has been very well received in a relatively short amount of time since its founding a few years back. Megalithic Symphony has gone platinum in the United States and double platinum in Canada. Millions of people are hearing you on their TVs and online. With all this going on, where do you see AWOL going from here? Any big plans on the horizon? Aaron: I try not to see too far. I try to think of what’s the next goal, what’s the next thing I have control of. It seems like the ball is rolling; it’s a machine that’s got a lot of life left in itself (laughs). So I try to focus on the new songs I’m writing, getting excited about the new stuff and pushing myself and the listeners into new and uncharted waters. Hopefully the listener and I can grow together. TBS: AWOLNATION is your brainchild. Let’s hear about how you got the whole project started. Aaron: I never really “started” the band; it was already happening, if that makes sense. I’ve always been writing these songs, and with my previous bands it was always collaboration, so I figured if we ever wanted to do something solo I’d have some songs to put into it. When my last band broke up, I had all of these songs I’d written so I figured great, I’ll record them. For me, writing is something that I can’t stop doing, and if you’re really passionate about something, it never really goes away. When it came together, I called it AWOLNATION, something I had in my back pocket for a while. TBS: What’s the strangest thing that’s happened so far on this tour? Aaron: Countless things, but the thing that really stuck with me was at our first show on the concert. We were in Philadelphia and it was a free outdoor concert, so about seven thousand people showed up. It poured rain, right after Imagine Dragons played, so you know, perfect timing of course (laughs). So it got delayed maybe forty-five minutes while it was raining, and we figured everybody would just pack up and go home. We were going to play no matter what, even if only two people stuck around, because that’s what you do. But when we got out there, it seemed like nobody had even left. People were soaked, crowd-surfing, and it was beautiful. Then, out of nowhere, a bride and groom just showed up on stage. They must have walked right out of their reception to grab a cigarette or something, but they were up there on stage with us. So we’re playing this sort of dirty, grimy, epic show, and then you see a bride in all white. And it was just so absurd to see, and I’m still not sure what to think about it. TBS: Last question… Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus, and Nicki Minaj. One joins your group, one covers your songs, and one loses their voice. You choose. Aaron: Did you just say Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus, and Nicki Minaj? (Pauses) This is difficult, so thank you for that . I’m not particularly fond of any of them… I guess I would say I’d want Nicki Minaj to join the band. Miley Cyrus has got to lose her voice. Justin Bieber can cover us—he would reach the most ears at least. I’m going to have to ask everybody else what they think.
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
Lincoln in theaters november 9
Abraham Lincoln is all the rage these days (hunting vampires and what not), but this film is a bit different than that. Directed by Steven Spielberg, Daniel Day-Lewis stars as the 16th U.S. president as the film focuses on his crazy final months in office. Also starring Tommy Lee Jones and Joseph Gordon-Levitt, this movie validates anyone who has two last names.
breaking amish Sunday, November 11 at 9pm on TLC
This riveting show follows Amish teens battling with the decision to stay with their Amish culture and family, or to bust on out to get drunk in New York City. In the season finale, secrets are revealed, tempers flare, and Abe and Rebecca realize planning a wedding is hella hard. Not as hard as milking a cow and not using electricity, but still pretty damn hard.
Crystal castles - iii Out November 13
If you think Crystal Castles is so 2010, think again. Alice Glass and Co. are back with their third album, addressing the theme of oppression, which includes album art of an award-winning photo of a mother and son who were teargassed in Yemen last October. If that doesn't scream party, then meta electronic beats, diverse sounds and Glass screaming her face off should.
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bartender of the week Jesse W. Rumorz Relationship status: Single and ready to mingle.
Most attractive part about you: My nipples
Favorite drink: Vodka and Sprite.
Favorite quote: “Life is short but sweet for certain.”
Favorite shot: Tuaca What celebrity would you most like to punch in the face: Miley Cyrus
Would you go gay for Ryan Reynolds or Ryan Gosling: Neither. Screw Green Lantern.
If you could create a holiday what would it be: No Panties Monday
Most embarrassing bartending story: When a drunk guy accidently kissed me.
If you could have one superpower: Read peoples’ minds.
How do you know when you are too drunk: When I can’t count the money.
How many 6-year-olds could you take in a fight: 1/2 of one.
Best Hangover Cure: More vodka and Sprite.
the drinking game
wizard duels Sometimes drinking can give you the illusion that you have magical powers. However, what’s the point of having magic powers if you don’t get to carry around a big-ass wizard staff? What You’ll Need: Beer and tape. Number of Players: At least two. Level of Intoxication: If you’re going for “Gandalf the White” status, then you’ll get pretty smashed. How to Play: - Find a partner or group of people and get a case of beer to share. - Put on some rap music and begin drinking the beer. - Once you finish two beers, tape them together at the ends. - Attach each subsequent empty beer to the end of your new wizard staff. - After every five beers you “battle the Balrog,” which means you take a shot. - Once you run out of beer, or are not brave enough to continue drinking, pick a partner and duel with them using your staff. We know wizards do not typically have sword fights with their staffs, but it must happen sometimes, right? The Game Ends When: Once the duel has a decisive victor, the winner is awarded another beer. The loser also gets a beer for a consolation prize. With The Hobbit about to hit theaters in just above a month’s time, it would be a good idea to practice your wizard staffing now. It is also just a good skill to have. You never know when a dragon is gonna threaten your fellowship.
download our app for all of our drinking games!
Recipe for Disaster
pizza ramen Ramen and pizza are quite literally the only things that our editor ever eats. This is not uncommon for a college student, however. Ramen is really the only thing you need; pizza is just for special occasions, like NBA games and drunk splurging. What You’ll Need: Prego pasta sauce, sausage, mozzarella, pizza crust, pepperoni, and Ramen noodles. Cook Time: 30 minutes. Fatty Factor: More sodium than you can possibly fathom. Let’s Get Baked: - Boil up some water and toss in the Ramen to cook. - Either grill the sausages or cook them in a pan on a stove top. - Heat up the Prego on the stove. Place cooked Ramen and sausage into the sauce and mix. - Spread the mixture onto the pizza crust (which is even better if you warm it in the microwave first) and top with mozzarella and pepperoni. - Go be poor some more. If this recipe was any more “college” it would have beer and cigarettes in it. The great thing about ramen is that it goes with almost anything. Don’t be afraid to get crafty and throw some weed in it or something. The world is your oyster.
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An Ode to Bacon
TBS staff wrote this
Bacon—a word known to all people on earth A substance immeasurable, in terms of its worth Its taste is divine, its scent always pungent The term “delicious bacon” is simply redundant It was created long ago, when man lived in caves And Wildboarous rex roamed the Earth for days With a spear, a vision, and a hunger most primitive Man created bacon and began to truly live It was cooked with dinosaurs and, of course, their eggs Man first consumed bacon, then walked on two legs Things happened fast, but bacon was there From the wheel to the sea, from the earth to the air The Wright Brothers ate bacon before their first flight Tyson ate bacon before every fight Jordan’s fingers were slick from bacon as he won his sixth ring Bacon is what helps Adele graciously sing But it doesn’t end there, the impact is far greater Armstrong ate bacon inside the Moon’s craters Through good times and bad, bacon’s sustained For our bacon-lust is great and we just can’t refrain Medically speaking, its powers are infinite Did you know the Polio cure had bacon in it? Some may say “Bacon? Bah, not for me” And claim to be happy while still bacon-free To these people we ask, “Have you not lived?”
Have you not taken all of what bacon can give? Have you not tasted bacon, fresh cooked and sizzled Placed directly on your tongue and then happened to jizzle? It’s perfectly natural; all baconovours have them Referred to by science as a “bacongasm” Buy nay, do not join us, live life in your own light Because if bacon gets short, you’re one less person to fight Remember the country you live in today And those who fight to eat bacon our way In piles, in heaps, by the truck and the pound The most American act is scarfing bacon down Coal turns to diamond, pig turns to bacon If you don’t like this meat your tongue is mistaken It has given us all more than we can measure Picking us up through the stormiest weather When cooking bacon, always wear a shirt To avoid being burned, splattered, and hurt Serving this treat is all up to you Eat it off platters, plates, or you kinky friend’s boobs The taste is the same; some say it’s a miracle But man’s connection with bacon is deeply spiritual And as we make our breakfast each ‘morn we thank the Bacon Gods we were born For we have enjoyed the purest form of happiness In fact, we’re eating bacon right now as we’re drafting this To our fellow friends and baconosseurs, We thank you for recognizing bacon’s allure
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And for those who still doubt, well, that’s okay Just remember that bacon will be there one day Bacon is joy, bacon is new beginnings Bacon is salvation for all of your sinning Bacon can be frozen and made into jerky But there’s one thing it’s not! and that’s fucking turkey So only eat true bacon when you choose to indulge And try to ignore that mid-belly bulge Bacon, mankind owes you everything and more Now, if you’ll excuse us, we need to go to the store.
the riddle
Can you figure out this riddle? Do you know the answer to said riddle? Wow, really!? Well, send your answer to riddle@theblacksheeponline.com and if you’re right, you’ll win something sweet!
the classtime
rappers and their lyrics Across
2) It was all a dream, I used to read Word Up magazine 6) With so much drama in the LBC, it’s kinda hard bein’ ____ 8) Fake shoes, that’s that shit I don’t like 9) I got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one 10) Black and yellow, black and yellow 14) See Caroline, all the guys would say she’s mighty fine 16) ‘Cause shotgun bullets are bad for your health 17) Move, bitch, get out the way 18) You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow, this opportunity only comes once in a lifetime 20) Ten, ten, ten twenties on ya titties, bitch
4) Now baby you’re the truth, so I’m just being honest. You treat me like a king, so that’s why you’re my highness. 5) Kick, push. Kick, push. 7) ___ ain’t nothin’ to f*ck with. 11) Today, I didn’t even have to use my A.K. I got to say, it was a good day. 12) To all, skeet, skeet, motherf*cker! All, skeet, skeet, god damn. 13) I do suicides on the private jet, you know what that means? I’m fly to death. 15) Crush a bit, little bit, roll it up, take a hit. 19) I don’t hate players, I don’t love the game. I’m the shot clock, way above the game.
Down
1) So I pick the world up and I’ma drop it on your f*ckin’ head 3) That’s just the way it is, things’ll never be the same, that’s just the way it is
Answers
Meet The Staff campus manager Austin Owen Editorial manager Emily Hagenburger Advertising Managers Jessica Hill, Tanner Jenkins
Find Us At...
campus director Quinn Myers owner Atish Doshi
photographer Lauren Heffner
Founders Jessica Hill, Tanner Jenkins, Austin Owen, Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers, Evan Stone
Cartoonist Can You Draw?
Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com
distribution manager Cristian Wisner, Margaret Wilson
Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com
Social media manager Nathan Horn
Hate Us? lame@theblacksheeponline.com
Writers Mary Moss, Katie Vaughn
Alter Ego Tattoo Gus’ Good Time Deli Stefano’s Pizza Hodges Library Claxton Education McCord Hall Barbarito’s Half Barrel Sunspot Haslam Business Building Building Gibbs Hall Barley’s Taproom Hannah’s (Cumberland) The Well University Center Communications & Morgan Hall Bearden Beer Market Hannah’s (Old City) Tin Roof Clement Hall University Extension Tickle Small Animal Boyd’s Jig & Reel HIghland Terrace University Liquors Strong Hall McClung Museum Hospital Cafe 4 Knox Bonding Company Urban Bar Senter Hall HSS Apartment Residence Calhoun’s Marble City Brewing Woodruff’s/Downtown Hoskins Library Thompson-Bowling Cafe Hall The Casual Pint Company Grill & Brewery South College Student Health Center All Greek Houses Central Flats & Taps Moe’s Woodmeade South Ayres Hall Art & Architecture Street Teams Chipotle NV Sushi Bridgecourt Apts Science and Engineering Hess Hall MORE! Cook- Out Nyro’s Gyro’s Gateway Apts Building Melrose Hall Cool Beans Preservation Pub Prime campus housing Alumni Memorial Presidential Court Copper Cellar Roaming Gnome The Grove Building Humes Hall Crown & Goose Saint Tattoo The Commons Neyland Biology Annex Carrick Hall Crowne Plaza Soccer Taco The Retreat Henson Hall Reese Hall Cumberland Glassworks Southbound University Heights Greve Hall Shellburn Towers Ebi Sushi Squire’s Quarry Trail Dunford Morrill Hall
Disclaimer
The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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RESERVE NOW! Big, Bold and Festive Beer Dinner December 3rd, 2012, 7:00 PM $55 per person A 6-Course Dinner RESERVE NOW!
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Big, Bold and Festive Beer Dinner December 3rd, 2012, 7:00 PM Big, Bold and Beer Dinner $55 Festive per person First SweetWater Festive Ale December 3rd, 2012, 7:00 PM A Course: 6-Course Dinner Barbecue and molasses spiced shrimp, rosemary and sweet potato biscuit, to Celebrate the and onion jam Season! $55plumper person Second Course: Terrapin Moo Hoo Cocoa dusted squab, fennel and orange marmalade, blue cheese polenta, red eye gravy
A 6-Course Dinner First Course: SweetWater Festive Ale to Celebrate the Season! Thirdspiced Course:shrimp, SweetWater Barbecue and molasses rosemaryPorter and sweet potato biscuit,
Curried crab salad tostada with mango chutney plum and onion and jam black sesame seed vinaigrette Second Course: Terrapin Moo Hoo Fourth Course: Terrapin Wake And Bake Cask Cocoa dusted squab, fennel and orange marmalade, blue cheese polenta, red eye gravy
Smoked duck, sherry-achiote glaze, sweet onion pudding, succotash
Third Course: SweetWater Porter Curried crab salad tostada with mango chutney and black sesame seed vinaigrette FirstNew Course: SweetWater Festive Ale Fifth Course: Belgium Lips Of Faith Biere De Garde
Barbecue andSeared molasses shrimp,red rosemary and sweet beefspiced tenderloin, mole, tortilla salad,potato biscuit, Fourth Course: Terrapin Wake And Bake Cask and onion jamonion ancho chileduck, and sherry-achiote honey plum vinaigrette, jalapeño jackpudding, whippedsuccotash potatoes Smoked glaze, sweet Fifth Course: NewBrooklyn BelgiumTerrapin Lips Of Faith BiereStout De Garde Second Course: Moo Hoo Sixth Course: Black Chocolate Seared beef tenderloin, red mole, tortilla salad, Cocoa dustedancho squab,chile fennel and orange marmalade, blue cheese polenta, red eye gravy Chocolate tresvinaigrette, leches with apple buñuelos and honey jalapeño jack whipped potatoes SixthThird Course: Brooklyn Black Chocolate Course: SweetWater Porter Stout Chocolate tres leches with apple buñuelos Curried crab salad tostada with mango chutney and black sesame seed vinaigrette
Call for reservations, (865) 637-4663 Fourth Course: Terrapin Wake And Bake Cask http://www.sunspotrestaurant.com/ Call for reservations, (865) 637-4663
Smoked duck, sherry-achiote glaze, sweet onion pudding, succotash
http://www.sunspotrestaurant.com/
Fifth Course: New Belgium Lips Of Faith Biere De Garde Seared beef tenderloin, red mole, tortilla salad, ancho chile and honey vinaigrette, jalapeño jack whipped potatoes Sixth Course: Brooklyn Black Chocolate Stout Chocolate tres leches with apple buñuelos