The Black Sheep
ROO
Vol. 4, Issue 9
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
F MM REE.. ATE . LIK SN EY ETF OUR LIX AC C OUN
T.
3/6/14 - 3/12/14
TENNESSEE BILL TO BAN RAINBOWS AUSTIN McLAURINE WROTE THIS
Marriage equality has been a huge topic in the news all across the country. Some states are more receptive to change than others. Recently, Tennessee announced legislation that, if put to law, would allow business owners to deny service to same-sex customers. The bill was met with opposition and drew negative attention to those who sponsored it; so in retaliation, another bill was drawn up. Independent lobbyist and writer of the proposed bill, Ernest T. Rockefeller, openly discussed his bill. “If we can’t keep them out, maybe we can make it a little bit safer for everyone else here. We all know that they love rainbows and nice things, so I’m proposing we just get rid of it all.” When asked what he meant by “rainbows,” Ernest said, “I mean physical rainbows; if this bill were to go into law I am positive the top scientists could come up with a way to make rainbows impossible to happen. Also, no more drawings of rainbows, those have to go too.” Tennessee schoolteachers were especially distraught by these statements. Kindergarten teachers claimed that if they weren’t allowed to draw rainbows, weeks and weeks of school curriculum would have to be replaced with something else. Rockefeller was not swayed by the argument, claiming that “The earlier a child sees a rainbow in his or her life, the bigger a risk they take of falling to the enemy.” “Nice things” are also a part of what Rockefeller hopes to ban. When asked to clarify, he noted: “Doilies, chandeliers, well-furnished wardrobes – the list goes on and on. The American people are at war with themselves and we are being attacked by things that we don’t even realize are attacking us.” The chances of this bill becoming law are slim since Rockefeller is an independent lobbyist and doesn’t actually hold any legislative position. His credentials consist of a Tennessee driver’s license and a membership to Costco. He defended himself when his competency as a lobbyist was brought up: “In America today, you need experience to do anything and everything. I don’t need licenses to prove I know all there is to know about the law and how to make it better. Some of my colleagues are self-trained in the well-respected disciplines of bird law and divorce between aquatic species.”
The state seems to have brushed off Rockefeller after it was discovered that he owned a rug that was described by local officials as “nicer than average.” A raid by police also found numerous coloring books full of rainbows and ponies. When confronted with the evidence, Rockefeller claimed that those in opposition to his bill had planted all of it.
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A LIFE BOILED OVER: THE MATT FETTY STORY
THE EVOLUTION OF COLLEGIATE ALCOHOL TASTES
TRY TO STAY AWAY FROM CHEAP SUBSTANCES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL ON TOP OF THE WORLD.
A STUDY OF MAN IN HIS NATURAL LIGHT HABITAT.
All support of the legislation has been dropped. One unnamed congressman thought about approaching Rockefeller to support the bill, but decided he was hungry and went to eat instead. For now, Tennessee can have as many rainbows and nice things as it wants, but as volatile as the political climate across the country is, something new could pop up any day.
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A LIFE BOILED OVER: THE MATT FETTY STORY DAN COLLINS WROTE THIS
Matt Fetty, a Tennessee senior, had all the makings of a titan of industry. A marketing major with a 3.91 GPA, it seemed Fetty had the whole world at his fingertips. That is, until November 15th. It was on that fateful day that Fetty’s life would be transformed forever. Stopping by friend Nolan Courvell’s house after many hours in Hodges Library, Fetty inquired as to whether there was any food in the house, as he had not eaten all day. “We don’t have much right now, but there’s some ramen in the cabinet over there,” replied Courvell. Oddly, Fetty had never heard of ramen and took a look at the nutrition facts before deciding it did not look healthy or appetizing. “But Nolan insisted,” said Fetty. “He told me that everybody was doing it, and that it would be fine just this once.” After eating his first bowl of ramen noodles, Fetty could not believe how delicious they were; his fascination only grew when he learned how incredibly cheap the noodles were. From that point on, Fetty subsisted almost entirely on ramen. “It only took me a couple times before I was addicted,” said Fetty. “After a
week, it was the only thing I ate or drank. The only solid foods I ate were the noodles, and the only thing I would drink was water mixed with the flavoring packet; usually beef flavor, but I would even settle for shrimp flavor.” It wasn’t long before ramen began to take over Fetty’s life. He lost interest in school, as it paled in comparison to the importance of obtaining more and more ramen. However, this soon became an issue as well. Within a couple weeks, Kroger began refusing to let him purchase ramen at their stores, with Food City and Wal-Mart following suit. Apparently, they feared he was using the powder to make a new drug. “We just couldn’t fathom that anyone could be eating that much ramen, and we didn’t want a lawsuit on our hands,” said Kroger manager Clint Zimmerman. From that point on, Fetty’s life was completely engulfed by acquiring ramen. “I would do anything for the chance to get ramen,” said Fetty. “I was in back alleys sucking dick for a rock of uncooked noodles. And to make it worse, almost
never did people on the street even have ramen. I mean, why would they? But if there was any chance to get my hands on some, I couldn’t resist.” After carrying on like this for a couple of weeks, Fetty no longer got the same sort of rush from simply eating ramen. He began snorting the powder, and, when that lost its edge, injecting the flavoring broth directly into his veins. Everything came to a head when Fetty was arrested for buying drugs in the alley between Downtown Grill & Brewery and The Regal Theater. Of course, Fetty wasn’t actually buying drugs and was released upon the discovery that it was only ramen. “At that point, I knew I had to make a change,” said Fetty. “I’m just not sure I could have made that change alone.” Luckily, when Fetty returned from jail, his friends and family were joined in his apartment, eager to perform an intervention and convince him to seek help in rehab. “We told him that he wasn’t the same anymore,” said close friend Devin Hicks. “I mean, he used to be a borderline alcoholic, but who in college isn’t? Plus,
if he wanted to be a businessman, he probably should have stuck with cocaine.” After hours of intervening and berating, Fetty finally agreed to enter a rehab center. Fetty is now in rehab and the promising life he once had now seems as if it may be possible again. “I’m doing great; better
than ever,” said Fetty. “I mean, obviously not actually better. My blood pressure is off the charts from eating 15,000% of my daily-recommended salt everyday. Plus I got HIV from sharing needles shooting the ramen broth. So I guess really I’m pretty miserable; and I would kill for some ramen right now. Literally kill.”
AROUND CAMPUS
THE
TOP
TEN
THINGS TO DO DURING A LONG TV SHOW OPENING SCOTT HANNAH WROTE THIS
With the majority of midterms in students’ rearview mirrors, everyone on campus can finally get back to doing what they do best: procrastinating. What better way to do that than by watching TV? However, some of the most popular TV shows have annoyingly long opening credit sequences. House of Cards’ theme was so long in season one that they cut it down to about one minute and forty seconds in season two, which is also just as long as the openings of Game of Thrones and True Detective. The shows may be fun but the repetition of the opening credits sure isn’t, so here are some ways to pass the time while waiting for the actual show to start. 10.) Make a sandwich: Who doesn’t enjoy a good snack while they’re watching TV? Take the time to recreate your favorite Turkey Bacon Bravo sandwich from Panera. This might take a while since those bastards hoard all the Bravo sauce and tomato basil bread. 9.) Play Flappy Bird: Just when everyone is moving on, now is the time to beat all their high scores. If you ever get your high score in the triple digits, we guarantee it’ll get you to third base as well.
THE EVOLUTION
OF COLLEGIATE ALCOHOL TASTES ALEX HARWARD WROTE THIS Alcohol: the buffer between reality and a good night. They used to tell us in high school that a little liquid courage was the gateway drug, and unless they meant the gateway to pure awesomeness on the back of a unicorn, then they’ve never been more wrong. Here at The Black Sheep we have the lowdown on the evolution of alcohol consumption from your baby years as a freshman to your very last day as a senior at UT. Freshman Year: Cheap, cheaper, and cheapest. These three words are your best friend for your first year in college because you have no money as a lowly first year. Fear not youngins, booze is still easy to find, and where there’s a will there’s a way. If you’re not feelin’ some type of way when it comes to a fake ID then bow down to Queen Burnett’s. They have every flavor imaginable at ten bucks a handle; from fruit punch to pumpkin pie, pick your poison. You also chug Solo cups of hunch punch like it’s your damn job. Link arms with your bestie and throw back those mixies. Sophomore Year: So you’ve like, grown up so much over the course of a year, and you’re currently all about going to Squire’s every week to stock up on liquor. Your bank account is going to hate you and your parents will most definitely cut you off, but there was a sale so who even cares? But let’s be real here, you still aren’t below chugging those cups of hunch punch at the nearest frat party or getting a keg full of Natty Light. Junior Year: The year of turning 21. Finally your time has come to join the real ranks of adulthood and drink in public without fear of being arrested! You now have an “acquired taste” and cannot stand the smell of cheap vodka, let alone hear the name Evan Williams. Draft beers are your friends and Natty Light is a thing of the past. You’re fancy now so Blue Moon and Shock Top will always be a permanent accessory in your refrigerator. Also, wine. Lots and lots of wine. Senior Year: College is almost over and you’ve survived, but with a decimated liver from years of binge drinking. However, for this special year only the finest of alcoholic beverages will grace your presence. $75 for a fifth of scotch? Don’t mind if you do. Don’t worry, it’s totally justified, once you graduate you’ll be making a six-figure salary right off the bat to continually encourage your classy taste in wine and spirits. Go get ‘em tiger. And Beyond: This is for all the lucky students who’ve gone on to graduate school or taken a fifthyear victory lap. Ain’t got no money in da bank so it’s back to cheap, cheaper, and cheapest. Say your prayers and hope that the debt doesn’t kill you. But hey, if it does, you got your main man Jack Daniels to pull you out of that slump. Alcohol is the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems. So remember, the next time you stop and think, “do I really need this next shot?” the answer will always be yes. The Black Sheep is rooting for you.
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8.) Check your emails: Once you get into some of these shows, especially if you’re binge watching, you get pretty focused. You don’t want to miss anything important from any of your teachers, but then again, they’re probably not emailing you about True Detective, so whatever they’re sending isn’t really that important anyway. 7.) Take a shower: In today’s dog-eat-dog world, you don’t have a moment to spare, if you’re not doing something productive during the down time of your favorite TV show, the person who’s going to take your job is. 6.) Clean your room: Judging by the amount of TV you watch, you obviously don’t care about having overnight guests. But if you still somehow manage to bring someone back to your room, they won’t be as impressed by the empty beer cans and beef jerky bags as you are. 5.) Call your grandparents: If you have a good five minutes or two hours to spare, why don’t you go ahead and brighten up someone else’s day. Maybe you can get some insight into what people did to pass time during long theme songs in the before-times. 4.) Start binge watching another show: A lot of these shows with long openings don’t really provide the laughs a normal person needs. But that’s why nine seasons of Always Sunny are constantly available to the viewing public. 3.) Write a paper: Let’s be honest, 98% of all your work is done during all-nighters so you’re already just interchanging between work and “breaks” that usually last ten times longer. Even while writing this we were watching Frank Underwood complete his plan to [SPOILER SPOILER] his [SPOILER]. 2.) Go to class: The best way to get through a rigorous school day is to just think of class while waiting for overpaid television stars to have their names on screen for a good 10 to 15 seconds each. This is assuming you haven’t already dropped out of school to just watch TV all day. 1.) Stop watching the show: Look at you; you’re coming to a newspaper for advice on how to deal with the problem of long TV show themes. You could be using your surprisingly focused mind to be solving real problems like hunger and disease, but instead you’re still reading this. This is why people make fun of our generation. Because of you.
AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
ON THE STREETS IF YOU HAD A CLONE, WHAT WOULD BE THE WEIRDEST THING YOU’D MAKE IT DO? Darby
“I would have it clean my laundry.”
Peyton
“Probably have sex with someone so I could see if I looked weird or not.”
Phillip
“Go to all my classes and take my exams.”
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JACKSON AVE. MARKET
THE BAR GRID BLACKSTOCK FRIDAY! Southern Drawl Band w/ Kitty Wompus 9pm, $8
Live Jazz Every Wednesday, Friday and Saturday! Happy Hour Every Day 3-6pm: $2 pints
TUESDAY: $2 Domestic Pints, $4 Double LITs, Trivia Night: Live Team Trivia starts at 9pm
Everyday: Happy Hour! 11AM - 8PM $1 off beer & wine, $1.25 off mixed drinks
MONDAY: Free Hotdog with Draft Purchase (limited 1 per person)
Thursday 3/6
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Thirsty Thursday Drink Specials! Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
$4.50 Vodka Bombs $2 Bottles $7 Double Vodka Red Bull
Happy Hour 11-8 Ladies Night Specials 4pm-10pm: $2 Mich Ultra Drafts & Bottle, $2 Blue Moon Drafts & Bottle, Half Price Glasses of Wine, Half Price Margaritas, Half Price Pinnacle Flavored Vodka 4pm-close: Half Price Apps for Ladies Only
$10 all you can play arcade games from 8pm-close
Friday 3/7
Southern Drawl Band w/ Kitty Wompus 9pm, $8
Jazz Night 9pm! Devan Jones and The Uptown Stomp, Performing Live Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
$6 Natty Lite or Coors Original Pitchers All Night $5 Double LIT
Happy Hour 11-8 TGIF: 11-8pm Fish & Chips for $9.99
10% off any meal combos
Saturday 3/8
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Jazz Night 9pm Alan Wyatt/Harold Nagge Performing Live! Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
$6 Natty Lite & Coors Original Pitchers All Night $2.50 Jim Beam Drinks
Happy Hour 11-8 11-8 pm: $7.50 Domestic Pitchers, $10 Specialty Pizza, $5.99 Nachos, $5.99 Burger & Fries, $0.75 Wings
10% off any meal combos
Happy Hour 11-8 COLLEGE NIGHT: VALID ALL DAY w/ student id, $10 One (2/4) Topping Pizza, $.75 Wings & $5.99 nachos, $5.99 Burger and Fries, $2 Domestic Drafts, $5 Domestic Pitchers $4 Vol & Cherry bombs, Grape Shooters $5 Cosmos
Closed
SPECIAL NIGHT
Sunday 3/9
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Jazz Brunch 12-2pm Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
$2 Domestic Bottles & Drafts & $2.50 Wells, $5.50 Domestic Pitchers All Day
Monday 3/10
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Blue Plate Specials! Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
Pint Night: $2 Pints, $5.50 Domestic Pitchers from 9pm-closing
Tuesday 3/11
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
$2 Domestic Pints, $4 Double LITs, Trivia Night: Live Team Trivia starts at 9pm
Wednesday 3/12
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Jazz Night 9pm Nick Swafford Performing Live! Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
Happy Hour 11-8 Greek Night! Show Your Letters!
$10 One (2/4) Topping Pizza, $.75 Wings & $5.99 nachos, $5.99 Burger and Fries, $2 Domestic Drafts, $5 Domestic Pitchers, $4 Vol & Cherry Bombs, Grape Shooters, $5 Cosmos
Happy Hour 11-8 8pm-Close: $2 Domestic Drafts $5.99 Cheese Quesadilla ALL DAY 10pm-Close: 50% Off Apps
Free Hotdog with Draft Purchase (limited 1 per person)
$5 36oz PBRs
Wine Down Wednesday
Pint Night: $2 Pints, $2.50 Jim Beam drinks
Happy Hour 11-8, 9pm-Close: $2.50 Domestic Bottles, Half Price Wine Bottles, & 2 for 1 Glass of Wine, 4pm-Close: Half Price Specialty Pizza 10pm-close: Half Price Apps
Buy one, get one free hotdogs!
He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.
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Fort Sanders Yacht Club
THE BAR GRID Beer • Liquor • Games •Coffee Wi-Fi • Food
Saturday and Sunday: Brunch 10am - 4pm Over 30 Menu Items, Create Your Own Brunch!
Everyday: $1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics $3 Imports
SATURDAY! DJ Dance Party! 8-9pm 2-for-1 Wells, 9-10pm Animal Hour! 3-for-11 wells $2 Domestics, $3 Imports and $4 Fireball All Night
FRIDAY! Local H with the Bad Dudes and Gamenight $10, 10pm (Doors at 9pm)
Ladies Night! 1/2 off everything for women! Beer and appetizers 4pm-close Liquor and wine 4pm-10pm 35 Below, Coolest Dance Club in Downtown Knoxville DJ and Dancing starting at 9!
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Carolina Strawberry Blonde, Killians Red & More!) $3 Imports (Magic Hat #9, Sweet Water IPA & More!)
DJ Jeff & DJ Tapout $1 Drafts until 11pm, $3 Name Your Flavor Lemonades, $4 Bobby Lite & Big Gulps, $2 Domestic Bottles
35 Below, Coolest Dance Club in Downtown Knoxville-DJ and Dancing starting at 9pm Check out our brand new VIP section and upgraded state-ofthe-art light and sound system!
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Yuengling Lager/Lite/Bockbeer, Mich Amber & More!) $3 Imports (Fat Tire, Shiner White Wing, Yazoo Pale Ale & More!)
DJ Dance Party with DJ Jersey Jeff! 8-9pm 2-for-1 Wells, 9-10pm Animal Hour! 3-for-11 wells, $2 Domestics All Night & Bottomless Drafts from 11 - Close
Brunch 10am - 4pm, $3 Mimomas 35 Below, Coolest Dance Club in Downtown Knoxville-DJ and Dancing starting at 9pm. Check out our brand new VIP section and upgraded state-of-the-art light and sound system!
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Carolina Blonde, Mich Amber, Bud Light & More!) $3 Imports (Magic Hat #9, New Belgium 1554/Spring Blond & More!)
DJ Dance Party! 8-9pm 2-for-1 Wells, 9-10pm Animal Hour! 3-for-11 wells $2 Domestics, $3 Imports and $4 Fireball All Night
Best Brunch in Downtown Knoxville! 10am - 4pm Home of the $3 Mimosa
Open 12 - 6 $5 Hookah! $1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics $3 Imports
Open for Booking! Call (865)766-9154
Try our new spring menu!
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Carolina Blonde, Mich Amber, Bud Light & More!), $3 Imports (Magic Hat #9, Stella, Sweet Water IPA & More!) $5 Hookah Sessions!
1/2 off large pizza from 4-close - Dine in only Scarecrow Winter Games! Play our games and have a chance to win a grand prize trip to Las Vegas!
1/2 off bottles of wine 4pm - 10pm Excluding house bottles
SAT: Disco Night!
Bring your own disco records!
$1 OFF ALL 24/25 OUNCE FOSTERS & RED STRIPE! Comedy Show at 7pm and Live Music After
SPECIAL NIGHT
Lines Taking Shape, Tectonics, Dumb Waiter 9pm, FREE
Bring Your Own Vinyl and Record Swap Night + Weekly Raffle for $25 Gift Certificate to Wild Honey Records $1 OFF ALL IMPORTS!!
Thursday 3/6
Local H with the Bad Dudes and Gamenight $10, 10pm (Doors at 9pm)
Live Music Nights! (please PM for booking)
Friday 3/7
Disco Night!
La Basura CD Release with Wampus Cat and Evil Twin, 9pm, $5
Bring your own disco records!
$1 OFF ALL 24/25 OUNCE FOSTERS & RED STRIPE! Comedy Show at 7pm and Live Music After
Saturday 3/8
Songwriter Open Mic 7pm, FREE
Open at 8pm! Video Game Tournament Night - Winner Receives $12 Bar Credit! PLUS HAPPY HOUR FROM 8-10:30!
Sunday 3/9
Open for Booking! Call (865)766-9154
Comedy Con Queso Stand-Up Open Mic 9pm,FREE
Cumberland Glass Raffle Night! $1 off all domestics
Monday 3/10
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Carolina Strawberry Blonde, Yuengling Lager/ Lite & More!), $3 Imports (New Belgium Fat Tire/1554/ Spring Blond & More!)
Open for Booking! Call (865)766-9154
Einstein Simplified Improv Comey Show, 8pm, FREE! Senryu, Clockwork Kids, O Youth, 10pm, FREE Happy 21st Travis Bigwood!
Two Dollar Tuesdays Metal NIght w/ James $2 pints all day long!
Tuesday 3/11
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Yuengling Bockbeer, Mich Amber, & More!), $3 Imports (Shiner White Wing, Blue Moon, Yazoo Pale Ale & More!)
DOLLAR NIGHT! $1 Wells until 10, $1 Domestics until 11, $1 Drafts until 12, $2 Domestics & $3 Imports All Night
Pheonix Bloom, Sun Brother, and TBA 9pm FREE
Hookah Night (21 and up) PLUS Sweets & Wheats & Ciders are $1 off!
Wednesday 3/12
HISTORY’S TEN
GREATEST NUT SHOTS Good wine. Decadent food. The curves of a voluptuous woman or the utilitarian sexiness of a chiseled man. All of these things are timeless delicacies that transcend generations. Also, nut shots. Yes, there’s nothing funnier and more enjoyable to us than watching hard objects collide with testicles because it reminds us how lucky we are that our own gonads are either safely tucked away or concealed somewhere in the frightening and confusing mess of organs that are ladyparts. And even if that makes us bad people, at least it’s not, like, a NEW thing. People have been hitting each other in the nuts for as long as they’ve had the sophistication to realize how hilarious it is. The Black Sheep honors the proud tradition of kicking, punching, jumping, falling, bumping and throwing stuff at balls with history’s best, funniest, most important nutshots of the last 6,000 years.
BY: HANNAH WEYER Theodore Roosevelt Jr.- 1910: Humans know better than to mess with Teddy Roosevelt. Humans do. But while on a big game hunting trip in Africa, an elephant made the mistake of charging Roosevelt’s hunting party. Half a dozen men screamed like little infant babies and ran for cover, but Teddy held his ground. The elephant angled her leg to kick the Man-God 26th President in the nuts. The result: She broke her leg in six places and had to be put down by Roosevelt himself.
Adolf Hitler- 1941: In the thick of WWII, Hitler paid a visit to the Russian front to boost German morale. There, to display his brutish masculinity, Hitler decided to shoot a machine gun. But not like regular machine gun shooting — COOL machine gun shooting. He held the gun in front of his waist and shot. However, he miscalculated everything and the recoil left the weapon clattering around, hitting four gas masks, a lieutenant, and Hitler’s balls — repeatedly. A few seconds later when the smoke had cleared, two Germans with a functional sense of humor were laughing at the convulsing Führer. A minute later, both of them had been shot.
William Shakespeare- 1590: During rehearsal for the debut of “The Taming of the Shrew,” the actor who was meant to play Kate fell ill. Knowing a job done right would have to be done himself, Shakespeare sent him home and took his place. The actor playing Petruchio, frustrated with Shakespeare’s overly meticulous directions, seized an opportunity, “accidentally” smacking the bard in the balls during a monologue. Elizabethan men love a stiff upper lip, but Shakespeare plotted even as his actors broke character to laugh at him convulsing on the floor. Ol’ Billy decided then and there to create a world where the actors could die horribly every single night. Months later, he debuted “Titus Andronicus.”
adolf Hitler
Judas- 30 CE: As Jesus left the Temple, money changers’ tables strewn about and the sanctity of his father’s house back in order, a low mumble skittered past his ear. “Great,” the person said, “those guys had all of my silver. I had like, thirty pieces, man, now I’m never going to see it!” Enraged that one of his own folks would so much treasure earthly belongings as opposed to the promise of eternal paradise, the J-Man halted in his tracks. Turning around, he saw a sheepish Judas staring right at him. Still full of bravado, Jesus ordered his disciples to hold down the soulless betrayer, as they each took turns kicking the abomination in the balls. As Judas screamed, he made a promise to his withering nuts — he would avenge them. Oh, yes. He would have his revenge.
Josef Stalin- 1950: A psychology student in America wrote an article for her school paper, citing Freud’s theories of Oedipal frustration as the reason Joe was such a fucking dick, like all the time. Stalin procured a copy through his admittedly overpaid espionage department and went berserk. He called his advisors and embarked on a tirade of threats, including the use of the new nukes he’d been itching to try out. During the spiel, one of the advisors fell asleep. His friend noticed and shook him awake. As the advisor panicked he swung his arms about, catching the rage-pacing Stalin right in the twig and berries. Stalin keeled over, and everyone knew death was near. But Stalin laughed and patted the young man on the shoulder, and every advisor laughed too. That was the first nutshot to ever prevent thermonuclear war, and it revitalized the Russian tradition of hitting each other in the balls for fun.
Josef Stalin
Benjamin Franklin- 1777: As an American diplomat tasked with winning the French over to the side of freedom and hamburgers, Franklin experimented a lot with the Parisians. When boning didn’t work immediately, Franklin shtupped a few dozen more French floozies and came up with another plan involving his crotch. We won’t say Franklin’s Paris Slapsdick Show isn’t the only thing responsible for winning the French over with our sophistication and je ne sais pa. We’ll let history do that.
Jeanne d’Arc- 1429: Speaking of the French, did you know that they have delicate, dainty little nuts? It’s true. For hundreds of years, the mark of a true man was the ability to withstand testicular trauma. When the first naysayer punched Jean in the groin and sprained his pretty little wrist, the French army knew she was a man among men and started taking her up on her invitations to pull her finger.
Harry Whittington- 2006: Never go hunting with a vice president. Al Gore will complain about the heat, Joe Biden doesn’t know which end of the gun is the shooty part and Dick Cheney will straight-up shoot you in the balls and face. That is entirely Whittington’s fault for not knowing. He’s so sorry, again, Your Excellency the Cheney.
Jeanne d’arc
Martin Luther King Jr- 1964: By ‘64, Dr. King was well-established serial adulterer that campaigned for racial equality without all that, “left Twix/ right Twix” jazz. Today, we see Dr. King as a revolutionary peacemaker, but that’s because we aren’t Harlem Muslims in 1964. A radical sect got “mad” that “Dr.” King was “preaching” “nonviolence,” and one day when he was visiting, the Harlem kids released a barrage of rocks and vitriol straight at his lady lumps. Martin took all that he could (One. One was all that he could take.) before ending up on the ground screaming things no preacher should scream at the Harlem men. Legend has it that that was the first time the word “shitfucker” was ever uttered.
Kim Jong-un- 2012: After Kim Jong-il died, North Korea was left without a heartless dictator to threaten South Korea with nuclear war and starve the people to death. Kim Jong-il had five children, only three of whom had workable penises. Of those three, little pudding-shaped Jong-un was the youngest and the doughiest. So how did he achieve the position of Supreme Leader? We call it “roshambo” when a group of people kick each other in the nuts as hard as they can and the last one standing wins, but in Korea it’s called “KimKimSmalBalKik.” Jong-un came out on top. Is this because North Korea’s answer to the Pillsbury Doughboy has undescended testicles? Kim Jong-un approached their convulsing bodies, knelt down and whispered, “You fools. My weakness is my strength and I am eternal. Die like dogs!”
Martin Luther King Jr.
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Relationship Status: Dating Major: Hospitality and tourism
BARTENDER
Favorite Drink: Mint julep Favorite Shot: Tequila Disgusting Drink: Scotch and warm milk
ROCKSTAR
Bartenders who can do cool tricks with bottles and stuff: Yea or nay?: Nay, those are the kind of people that call themselves mixologists. If a superhero movie was made about you, what would be the villain’s name?: Captain Fussy Mom Pants
OF THE WEEK
What’s the worst thing you’ve ever put in your mouth?: Pancreas
Kathryn of Stock & Barrel
What rumor about yourself would you like to start?: I have a third nipple. What’s one thing you wish everyone would care less about?: Making robots that can drive cars. When was the last time you danced like no one was watching, loved like you’d never be hurt, or sang like no one was listening?: Last night. Yoga pants: Overrated, underrated or properly rated?: Properly rated, they’re mad hot. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: What else are you going to read, The Daily Beacon? Psh.
RECIPE for DISASTER
DRINKING GAME Evel Knievel
Grilled Mac N’ Cheese
Beer, cups and quarters alone don’t necessarily make up a badass game—it’s about the attitude you bring to the table as well. This game not only requires skill but also good looks and an overall level of confidence that no amount of shots can bring.
Two quick and easy college meals you had to learn before being accepted into a university— grilled cheese and macaroni and cheese—can be combined into one beautiful, culinary masterpiece. After all, there is never such a thing as too much cheese.
What You’ll Need: 1 Solo cup, 4 shot glasses, beer, 3 quarters, a pair of sunglasses and an empty case of beer. Number of Players: As many as you want. Level of Intoxication: Don’t try to drive a motorcycle or anything after this.
What You’ll Need: Slices of bread, a box of macaroni and cheese, slices of cheese and butter. Cook Time: About 30 minutes Fatty Factor: A little carb heavy, but who cares?
How to Play: - Place the Solo cup in the middle of a table and place the 4 shot glasses close around it. Fill all of the containers with beer. - Designate one person to start as “Evel Knievel.” Make them wear the pair of sunglasses and the empty beer case as a helmet (make sure they can see out of it). - Make sure Evel Knievel stands about 5 feet away from the table. - Evel Knievel has three chances to shoot one of his quarters into the cup in the middle of the table. If he can do so within three tries, he splits up the five drinks to other players in the room. - If Evel cannot make a quarter in the Solo cup or lands it in one of the shot glasses, he must consume all five drinks himself. - Once the drinks are gone, fill the shot glasses and cup back up, rearrange if necessary and find a new Evel Knievel. The Game Ends When: One of your friends swears he can jump his car over a large flaming pit. Please, we beg you. Don’t let it get this bad.
DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES! 12
What’s your favorite oldschool slang term?: Knuckle sandwich
Let’s Get Baked: - Bring a pot of water to boil on the stove. Follow the directions on your box of macaroni and cheese to make a batch. (If you don’t know this by now, just put this paper down and back away quietly.) - In a skillet, dump 3/4 cup of the cooked mac and cheese and shape it into a square like a slice of bread. - Add 2 slices of cheese onto your noodles (or more if you’re into that sort of thing) and turn off the heat. - Butter 2 slices of bread and place them butter side down in another skillet. - Add 2 slices of cheese onto one of the slices of bread. - Keep the heat on for a few minutes until the bread browns. - Transfer the delicious cheesy squares of macaroni onto one of the bread slices and cover with the other. Press down with a spatula so they’re nice and squishy. Experiment with different types of cheese or even add in some ranch or Sriracha. But sticking to the classic is never a bad thing either.
NOMNOMNOMNOM THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
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Out of State Problems MEAGAN DAWSON WROTE THIS
Here’s to all the kids that came to UT knowing absolutely nothing about southern living. All the kids that didn’t know what chubbies or norts were. You’re misfits, you’re outsiders, you’re…out-of-staters. Welcome to the Bible Belt you sorry SOB’s. Chances are that by now you’ve figured out how to live down here. You bought yourself a nice pair of chacos, and maybe even started saying “y’all” once every other day. Congratulations, you’re assimilating. Yet despite looking and kind of acting the part, you still get bombarded with stupid questions about where you’re from. We’ve taken the liberty of writing down our top responses if you haven’t figured out yours yet. Wait, the west coast? Do you know my cousin Sherri? She lives in Idaho!: SHERRI? OMG we hang out all the time. Whenever I need fresh potatoes, I fly her down to San Diego and we kick it.
legal to be nude in public from May to September. We voted on it a couple years back shortly before instituting our bikini wax mandate. Girls are insane outside of Tennessee. When it’s hot out, they wear jean shorts, khaki shorts, and sometimes, if they’re really wild, sun dresses! Real clothes? Weird. You’re from Rhode Island? That’s so cool, do you know The Situation?: I wouldn’t say we’re friends or anything. I mean, not since I kicked his ass at the tanning beds back in August. Sweetie… Do you know where Rhode Island is? Are you aware that New Jersey and Rhode Island aren’t the same state? Even if they were, why would anyone willingly admit to being friends with a member of The Jersey Shore?
No. Why the hell would I know your distant relative who ends their name in an “i” and lives a thousand miles from me? Are you dense?
So how did you fit all your dorm room stuff on a plane? Did you fly and your parents drive it out here?: Yeah, actually that’s exactly what happened. Since I’m the patriarch of my family, they paid for the plane ticket for me. Then they loaded all my stuff up in wagons and Oregon Trailed it all the way to Knox.
Wait if girls don’t wear norts in the summer, what do they wear?: Nothing at all! You see, in Texas it is now
Having lived in Tennessee their whole life, hopefully this person is aware that there are stores here. Out
IF YOU DON’T START FOLLOWING US
WELL, YOU’LL JUST BE
MISSING OUT.
@BLACKSHEEP_UTK HEY, STALK US ON FACEBOOK WHILE YOU’RE AT IT:
FB.COM/THEBLACKSHEEP99
-of-staters who live more than a car ride away buy their shit here. Thanks Bed Bath & Beyond for being a chain store, you rock. So where in Tennessee does your family live?: *Face palm, walk away* Even though you’ve already explained to this person that you are from out of state, and live in the state that you came from, they cannot fathom that there
are people outside of Tennessee; it’s all they’ve ever known. If we had a dollar for every time someone asked and out of stater this question, we’d have enough to pay our interns. Hopefully all you out of staters use these golden responses. It’s not like the idiots posing these questions know any better. Together we can confuse the living shit out of the already confused Tennessee population. Out of staters, unite!
GUESS THE LOGO
Can you identify all the logos below? Email us at backpage@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’ve identified them all correctly, you’ll win a prize!
the madlib
down a wikipedia hole
It all starts too innocently. I might be super bored in my ___1___ class, or high on a ___2___ night, trying to bide my time. I’ve had enough of ___3___, definitely have done my rounds on Facebook and even crept on ___4___ which just made me feel ___5___. So then I opened Wikipedia, and it was all downhill from there. I started by clicking on the main page (you didn’t even know there was one, did you?). The featured article was for the ___6___-billed water ___7___. So weird! So I clicked on that, and it’s the national animal of ___8___. So naturally I didn’t know anything about that country, and who knew that ___9___ was from there? Or, she lived there for awhile. Probably smoking ___10___ and pounding the ___11___ or the locals or whatever. And did you know that she used to date ___12___? Kind of gross. He was married to ___13___ which is weird, but what’s weirder is that she had a small role in ___14___ which led her to meeting ___15___ who somehow gave her her big break, and that’s how she became the ___16___ spokesperson. Small world! But even more fascinating is that the ___17___ sandwich was named after ___18___ and was first featured in the 1955 issue of ___19___? Oh god, you know what else is good? A ___20___. Okay, off of Wikipedia and on to GrubHub I go.
1) Subject 2) Weekday 3) Porn site 4) Long-lost friend 5) Emotion 6) Size 7) Animal 8) Country 9) Female pop star 10) Drug 11) Instrument 12) Older male celebrity 13) Really old female celebrity 14) Popular movie 15) Random celebrity 16) Chain restaurant 17) Type of sandwich 18) Cartoon character 19) Magazine 20) Another type of sandwich
15
six degrees of separation
do you know how rainn wilson and lindsay lohan are connected? send your answers to sixdegrees@theblacksheeponline.com and if youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re right, youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll win a sweet prize!