The Black Sheep
FR EE ... lik e sw ste ipe al s i ing nt o you sh aferr fr i . end s’
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Volume 4, Issue 12 • 4/11/13 - 4/17/13
The Shenanigans of the Lambs Nathan Heintschel wrote this Think back to your junior and senior years of high school, sift past all the pot smoke, and recall touring various college campuses. These tours gave you a small taste of college, and one of your most important life decisions hinged on your dank-riddled 18-year-old brain. But think about how boring these tours were: Your every move scrutinized by your parents as they watch you absorb the campus, a super bubbly “ambassador” showing you everything except the things that you actually want to see at college, the actual college kids looking at you and the rest of the group like a wandering pack of beings from a past life. It’s time to take it upon ourselves to spice up today’s tours. The Black Sheep believes wholeheartedly in shenanigans, and we encourage our fellow students to employ such shenanigans to show upcoming freshmen that our campus is awesome, not shitty like our neighbors over in Henrico (just kidding… but not really). The Ol’ Switcheroo: First things first, we must impersonate our collegiate rivals to insure that prospective students only like us. Raid the George Mason University and University of Richmond bookstores, and yoink enough swag to properly convince the kids that you are totally not a VCU student. Proceed to curse at the groups, interrupt the ambassador, and maybe even partake in an impromptu roasting session, “Yo your mom is like FAT, kid! GEORGE MASON RULES!” Once the proper ruckus has been caused and two different fathers have attempted to beat you up because you told their daughters that you would like to “hashtag ram that,” make sure to get out of there cursing VCU and the name of Shaka. A second group fully swagged out in VCU gear will then swoop in, apologize for the insanity they have witnessed, and tell them to go to VCU because we will most assuredly destroy GMU and U of R in basketball next year. Bringing up the mumps epidemic at U of R should also prove effective. Finally, make sure to burn the GMU and U
of R gear because otherwise it might reconstitute itself and attack you in your sleep. Costumes!: It’s time to bring back those giant ghetto blaster stereos from the nineties, and to break out that $100 gorilla suit from three Halloweens ago. A posse of gorillas blasting Rage Against The Machine’s “Guerilla Radio” will hit home with pun lovers (everyone knows high schoolers LOVE puns!), and when you get tired of that song put on your Gorillaz playlist. If this costume combo is not possible, it is perfectly okay to substitute the gorilla outfit with the alwayspractical panda costume you keep in your closet. Make sure to practice your roundhouse kicks in the middle of the Compass, maybe even setting up a massive panda versus gorilla boxing match. An impromptu “Harlem Shake” in any of these costumes is also acceptable and highly recommended, as our popular kid, high school sources have told us the “Harlem Shake” has gotten so old now that it’s actually considered vintage. Zombies!: We also need to demonstrate to prospective students how strong our arts and theater productions are. Therefore, we need all makeup specialists on deck, because we need to stage some zombie attacks. Hopefully none of the kids have cricket bats on them, because as we all saw in Shaun of the Dead, one can mess up a zombie pretty good with one of those, and the last thing we need is dead fake zombies. Ripping off Simon Pegg’s finest film is not enough, so we’re going to rip off Zomebieland as well. Since Hostess went bankrupt, the studentTallahassee will be especially volatile. The Black Sheep recommends not giving our campus Tallahassee any pastries from Starbucks, because he will be a method actor, and now you have upset a psychotic zombie killing, yellow sponge cake enthusiast who’s too talented to realize he’s an actor. Prospective students will marvel at his acting skills, but shudder in fear when he drives a hummer across campus.
How to Avoid the Scheduling Blues
Imparting Wisdom: Finally, we must deny the “Shafer Shits” from our prospective students. They have four years to deal with it, but until their first loan check cashes, we need them to think that every day at Shafer is awesome and not bowel busting. Whenever a prospective student walks up to the ice cream machines, casually walk up to them and say “you know what that doesn’t remind me of? My poop after consistently eating from Shafer.” Because you’re a cool college kid taking the time to talk to him in your leather coat
what'’s inside
Why Your Student Organization is Failing
and snake skin boots, he’ll automatically believe you and sign his letter of acceptance on the spot. Now is the time to act, people. These shenanigans need to be properly implemented quickly before the waves of tours ends. We’ve got to get these students stoked to get their VCU on, because more students means more revenue. More revenue means fewer emails about how our tuition is going up.
Viciously Loud Breakup Goes Completely Unnoticed
With scheduling Xanax, duh.
Not enough wet t-shirt contests!
Argument not loud enough to penetrate deafening roar of the meaninglessness of existence.
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contents
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
page 5: Kid on Longboard is “Way too cool for class”
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and maybe even too awesome for school.
page 6: Top 10: Trivia That Could Save Your Life Avoiding the lion’s mane jellyfish could save your life, too.
page 7: From the Streets where’s the weirdest place you’ve been naked?
pages 10-11: The Summer Internship Office
Table of
We draw parallels between the comedy staple and your summer internship.
page 12: bartender of the week Neil from Cha-Cha’s wants to serenade you with “Suit and Tie.”
page 12: recipe for disaster Chocolate lasagna! You only live once, so you might as well have dessert for dinner.
page 14: Find the differences There are 10 differences in this sweet job fair seminar. Can you find them all?
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word of the week Diarrmea:
A narcissist’s inability to stop talking about him or herself. “Carol’s diarrmea finally caught up to her when she accidentally told Lex about the time she pooped her pants in church. There was no second date.”
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How to Avoid the Scheduling Blues Annie Hall wrote this With registration sneakily sneaking upon the denizens of VCU, you might find yourself wondering what classes to take. Perhaps you’re new here and curious about a certain professor or class, but skeptical about the conceptual value of ratemyprofessor. com. Or, maybe you’re a junior or senior growing weary of geneds haunting you, but you don’t want to take a class with an instructor you hate, drop the class, and feel the boa constrictor that is student debt tightening around you. Perhaps you just don’t know what classes to take, and only have a Mitt Romeny diddlydarn minute to do your research. Never fear! The Black Sheep staff has (insert impressive semi-large number here) hours of classes between all of us, and we want to share some of our favorites with your faithful friends, fans, and followers.
wouldn’t dig taking a hip hop class. If you can’t dance, you’ll learn how. If you can dance, you’ll stay in shape. If you have a significant other, you get to impress them with your new sexy-ass moves. What’s not to love here?
As for electives and some classes you must take, we really enjoyed:
ENGL 215 – Textual Analysis (with Dr. Wells): Wells is perhaps one of the most adorable professors to roam these here parts. Although he has a tendency to talk a bit fast, his personality is quite endearing. Plus, you read a lot of books that make you worldly when discussing literature at a fancy party, although good luck finding yourself in that scenario. Also, you’ll explore the contemporary wonders of Vonnegut and A Clockwork Orange to further fulfill the hipster stereotype you signed yourself up for when you decided on VCU. This is a required class, so either take this with Wells, or that Vampire and Werewolf guy. We hear he’s pretty badass, too.
UNIV 211 – Food for Thought: A class that explores how the best thing in the world (food) relates to anthropology, sociology, art, etc? We can handle all of the analytical things as long as we get to eat! If there’s no physical food (which is a devastating possibility), then just appreciate all of the metaphorical, delicious brain food, ya’ heathens. HUMS 250 – Reading Film: Because what’s better than watching movies and having your biggest grade be a movie review? You could get picky with that answer, but don’t! Let it stay rhetorical and just treat yo’self while satisfying one of your required elective credits. DANC 255- Hip Hop Dance: We don’t know anyone who
MASC 201- Curiousness: If you’ve ever been curious as to whether or not you’re curious, this is the place to figure it out. 54 (!) projects in a semester, but plenty of work to collaborate and help from two of the most awesome professors on campus to help. Imagine Bill and Ted or the guys from the Sonic commercials teaching your class… yeah, that’s kind of what it’s like. But without overly greasy, artery-hardening food and Keanu Reeves…
INSC 201 – Energy!: IT HAS AN EXCLAMATION MARK, YOU SHOULD BE EXCITED ALREADY! If you’re the furthest thing from a science person and are absolutely dreading taking a science class, this is the one for you! Instead of dissecting vomit-inducing-formaldehyde-soaked animal parts and doing an immense
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amount of math (we shudder at the thought of math with other things in ANY situation), this is the class for you! If you can, try to take it with John Skrobiszewski or Patrick Woodworth. Quality and top-rated professors according to all of our sources. Attempt to stay away from classes that sound like the following: “Intro to International Competence” – this is a real thing, by the way. If this is required of you, you have our respect and admiration, because a double root canal is more pleasant. If you can, try to avoid philosophy all together. It’s one class that kind of actually tries to makes zero sense most of the time and quizzes you on said nonsense. It’s not as bad as math, but almost as bad as math. Just the word math makes us quiver and nauseous with fear.
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Kid on Longboard is “Way Too Cool for Class” tbs staff wrote this Riding down Cary St., hair blowing in the wind, shades secured tightly on his little pubescent face, Benny Craig was skipping class yet again. He pumps his foot against the paved road, propelling him further, perfectly in time with The Lumineers’ rhythmic guitar twang pulsing through his oversized headphones. “He’s just way too fucking cool for class,” John Fabrezio, Craig’s future unemployment officer, pointed out while staring down the youngster longingly. “Man, if I was like him when I was in school… oh, man…” A slight tear formed at the corner of Fabrezio’s eye. Craig is a business major at VCU but says the only business he has is “shredding like a fucking boss” and “slaying the pussy.” “My grades are sort of killer, but like, it’s not a big deal,” Craig says. His outstanding turnaround in STAT 208 midway through the fall 2012 semester is evidence of this, turning an F into a surprising D-. No one is exactly sure how he did this, but his professor—who prefers to remain unnamed—became starry-eyed when she was asked about Craig, claiming that he was the “dreamiest piece of blonde peach fuzz” that she had ever seen. Fabrezio said the student has a bright future, as long as he is injured in an accident that gives him a large sum of money in a lawsuit. “I mean, I’ll totally take a crash if it gives the cash, you know what I mean?” Craig said. Fabrezio added that as long as Craig remains as cool as he is with his iPod headphones in his ears at all times, there is a good chance the pair can make a financially rewarding accident happen soon. “If I don’t have to think about going to some pointless-ass class anymore, that would be tight,” Craig said, staring off toward the Compass in wonder. “The longboard is like a relic of the ancient gods that got handed down in the…” Craig tailed off, confusing himself with too many big words. Craig says all he needs in life is what he calls his “two B’s,” later explained as his “bitch and board.” His girlfriend, Jenny Collins, is also a student at the university. Collins says she also enjoys longboarding in addition to Googling inspirational quotes by Audrey Hepburn, listening to the hottest new band on Pitchfork.com, and dying her hair the color of her mood—a habit she “happened to pick up” after seeing Eternal Sunshine of the
Spotless Mind. Collins said she began to dig Craig when she first saw him cruising down the street in his Urban Outfitters tank top and sunglasses. “When he told me he thought Mumford and Sons was a cool band, I just knew he was the one,” Collins said, adorably pushing her thick-rimmed glasses up her nose. Craig added that he believes all of life’s lessons are found on the board, not in an academically distinguished institution featuring some of the world’s brightest and most creative minds. “After college, I’ll just go wherever life takes me,” Craig said, smiling like a little shit. “Maybe somewhere like California. I’ve always wanted to live there. I know everyone says that, but I mean it, man.” Fabrezio is confident that he can find a source of income for the uninspired and academically empty student. “I mean, once he gets over the high school phase of his life, I’m sure he’ll find some sort of part-time job. I heard Cold Stone is hiring,” Fabrezio said. “But then again, his parents are rich, so who knows if he’ll ever have to work for anything.” Craig agreed. “My parents are chill and have a lot of dough, so I’ll probably just go out and buy a new board before I worry about a job or anything unimportant like that dumb shit.”
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The
Top 10
theblacksheeponline.com
trivia that could save your life
10.) Custard is a non-Newtonian liquid: You’re touring a custard factory with your eccentric father and bored family. Suddenly, a mechanical failure blows up the enormous vats of custard. The bottom level is flooded and the roof is on fire from the explosion. How do you escape across the sea of delicious lemon custard to safety? Don’t swim - RUN. 9.) Batophobia is the fear of tall buildings: Not bats. Tell the leader of your adventure group you’re chiroptophobic to avoid the sort of misunderstanding that results in a heart attack. 8.) The longest animal in the world is the Lion’s Mane Jellyfish: Its tentacles can grow up to 120 feet long. That’s way longer than that blue whale you befriended specifically to fight evil in the ocean. Don’t fight evil in the ocean.
Why Your Student Organization Is Failing staff wrote this People are not boycotting you and no, rumors are not going around that your members don’t shower regularly. It’s far more likely that the problem is no one knows who you are, nor what your club is about. You’re wallflowers at this point, and it’s time for you to hop up on the dance floor and twerk with the rest of us. But before you rear your head into the Richmond scene, it’s time you acknowledge why you might be lacking. You don’t recruit underclassmen: Ask yourself this: outside of Welcome Week and the SOVO fair, do you actually actively recruit freshmen? Do any of your events target sophomores who are looking to build their resumes? No? Then your club is doing it wrong. If you don’t pay attention to the younger folks, all of your members will age out. They’ll go on to graduate and the-club-that-mustnot-be-named will be a sad memory. Your club will be nothing more than dust in the wind, written in some ledger somewhere, but never heard of again. If only there was someone to pass the torch to, someone to bury your seed into and carry on your gen- wait, we’re getting off track here. Your president is just as apathetic as every other member: A strong organization needs a passionate leader to organize the worker bees. But what happens when you get stuck with someone who doesn’t want to do the job? Your student organization has a few options to consider. One option would be to meet up and vote the slacker off Survivor style. Sure, they might feel betrayed at first, especially when you extinguish a candle in front of them, look them in the eyes, and say “this nowextinguished flame – that is you.” Your only other option would be to sit down together and address concerns in a neutral environment, but that lazy mofo will just sit there eating chips and phoning it in like he always does. And you’ll have to obey, only because he won the feats of strength tourna-
ment in the beginning. Your marketing is weak: No one knows who you are or what your club acronym, ASSBLAST, stands for. Therefore, they do not sign up for your ASSBLAST email list, they do not attend ASSBLAST events, and they are not even the least bit curious about your ASSBLAST info sessions. Sound familiar? VCU students are not easily impressed. It’s going to take more than a few black-and-white flyers taped arbitrarily to bulletin boards to get the attention of the student body. And please, don’t design your advertisements in Microsoft Paint. This is college. It’s time for you to step it up and shamelessly promote Americans Saving Sustainable Bongos and Legitimizing Androgynous Sex Times on Twitter. You come off as too cliquey: All your members dress in varying degrees of the same five pieces of clothing, and only ever socialize with each other. And yet you are a club that “promotes diversity” and “strives to expand our horizons.” No one’s buying it, especially when one day you’re out collecting money for Richmond schools, and the next you’re walking around in mink coats. Where’d the mink coats come from, Bristol Palin? If club members are satisfied being surrounded by only one type of like-minded people, they are missing out on opportunities to grow (or so the diversity brochures tell us). Cliques are for high school and Big Sean. As a great man named Ronnie Coleman once said “everybody wants to be a bodybuilder, but don’t nobody want to lift the heavy-ass weight.” So you aren’t the bodybuilding club, but the same rule applies. Instead of sitting around in a circle jerk complaining about your club, do something about it. Be proactive! And by all means, please feel free to have plenty of free food at your events.
7.) The muscles that open a crocodile’s mouth are weak: Your boyfriend has fallen out of the boat in the Everglades and there’s a crocodile coming right for him. Take out your hair tie, jump on that reptile’s back and trick it into biting a stick. Slip the hair tie over its snout and GTFO. 6.) Nicotine destroys elastin in your body, giving smokers saggier skin and breasts over time: Unless you think those crazy saxophone playin’ raisins look sexy, this is yet another reason to quit that cancer stick now before it’s too late! Then pick up another oral fixation, like playing the saxophone! 5.) Doors in Churchill, Canada are unlocked: Polar bears are such a problem in Manitoba that residents in Churchill leave their cars and houses unlocked in case they need to make a quick escape. Those dang polar bears, always breaking into houses and stealing everyone’s Coke. 4. ) Dolphins are notorious sexual deviants and are capable of cruelty: Rape, interspecies rape, baby murder, interspecies baby murder, bullying, interspecies bullying -- dolphins are fucking dicks. Do not trust them, because they will betray you and rape you with their prehensile dolphin penises. 3.) The first whoopee cushion was invented by Roman Emperor Elagabalus in the 200s BCE: He used it frequently on guests. He was assassinated when he was 18. Moral? Don’t overuse whoopee cushions, or you will die a deserved death. 2.) Wendy’s policy is to feed the desperate: If you’re hungry, lost, and broke, find a Wendy’s. It’s Wendy’s Law to provide a free meal to anyone that says they’re from out of state, lost and don’t have any money. 1.) White roofs lower the temperature of a city: By reflecting more sunlight than they absorb, white roofs and pavement, while tacky as all hell, can lower the total temperature of the city they’re in, thereby using less energy to cool it in the summer. If everyone just agrees to ignore how weird it looks, white roofs can make a marked difference on climate change, saving untold lives lost in The Day After Tomorrow.
tbs staff wrote this
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Viciously Loud Breakup
Goes Completely Unnoticed tbs staff wrote this On April 11th in Shafer Court breakup of obnoxiously loud proportions went absolutely ignored. Right in the middle of the fully-occupied lunch area, junior Jessica Lemler and senior Justin Cross sprang up from their lunch seats and had an unprecedentedly brutal war of decibels. It went down in the record books as the loudest break up VCU has ever housed. As it is understood, the fight began with a snide comment from Jessica regarding Justin’s mediocre penis size. He quickly countered by calling Jessica, his girlfriend of three years, a “no good, smoky-eyed whore.” Absolutely no one turned around or dropped their utensils to tune in to the loudest fight since the dawn of time. Jessica then, at humanly impossible volume levels, began listing all of Justin’s shortcomings starting (alphabetically) with “ass obsessed” and ending around “vagina intolerant.” Then Justin just sent it all to hell and jumped up on his chair to gain the higher ground in this completely ignored battle. Unfortunately he stubbed his toe in the process and began hopping about like some sort of lemming. Jessica laughed the shrillest, highest, most terrible laugh at Justin’s misfortune. Still, not one casual lunchgoer paid any attention to this very public disbanding. “What fight?” said one indifferent student who sat only two tables away. It is estimated that every person in Shafer, probably everyone on campus, and possibly everyone in Richmond should have heard this unbelievably loud, verbally abusive exchange. The only explanation for a lack of a community fallback, or even a collective reaction, is that absolutely no one gave a damn. Justin, when finished hopping on one foot much like a young girl playing hopscotch, resumed with a creative list of offensive, misogynistic names. The insults included: “sweaty puffy streetwalker,” “fakeblonde bitch,” “small-titted slutbag,” “crusty asswad,” “douche-level hoe,” and “the smotherer.” Even though Jessica was very violently pretending to cry, she managed to counter with “you miserable, dim-witted cocktard.” Despite the passionate, cutting exchange of comments, none of the students within
the vicinity could rip themselves away from their food. It was at this time that both parties jumped on the table and began to engage in what can only be described as a fervent slap-fight. No one dealt real blows. It seems, though, that Jessica may have pinched Justin considering he cried out, “You pinched me, bitch!” Still, nobody bothered to even take a peek at this epic war. At the conclusion of this schoolyard level, physical catfight, both Justin and Jessica were breathing at Mt. Everest-climbing-type of pace. Both students just stared furiously at one another for almost three whole minutes. The entire thing culminated in a simultaneous “I HATE YOU.” The truly peculiar part is that Jessica then asked in a hushed tone, “Post-breakup sex?” They both, in the middle of the student union, undressed themselves. Oddly enough, zero people bothered to take a peek at the sex or Justin’s mediocre-sized penis. Though the breakup incorporated everything students pay for in entertainment mediums – violence, drama, unrelated sex scenes – students are either too deep in their studies or utterly desensitized to the ups and downs of an extremely fickle college relationship.
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The
Summer Internship Office Season 3 Season 1
A Few Major Plot Points: The first season in the office gives a six-episode glimpse into Michael Scott’s uncomfortable weirdness, Jim’s crush on Pam (though she’s engaged to Roy), and the potential shutdown of the Dunder Mifflin branch. Which Makes the Audience Think: “What a weird, insular world these people live in.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: It’s the first day, and the too-cool-for-school 40-year-old giving you a tour of the office uses words like “brews” and “babes” to feel out your life outside of work. After he gets alltoo-excited showing you the IKEA-grade twirly chair you’ll call home this summer, he sheepishly asks you to help him remove some malware from his computer, but asks you be discreet about it; he can’t get caught browsing porn in the workplace, again. Over an Arby’s lunch in the break room you learn Tim has a crush on Sarah, but Sarah likes Peter. Though you thought such grade school antics would be left on the urine-soaked spiral slide on which you lost your virginity, you soon realize that most workplaces are little more than nine-to-five corrals for people with serious issues under very thin skin.
Week 1 Season 2
Week 2
A Few Major Plot Points: Michael hosts the Dundies, an award ceremony for the employees. Relationships rise and fall as Michael and his boss Jan secretly date, and Roy sets a wedding date on a company-funded booze cruise. Which Makes the Audience Think: “At the end of the day we’re all bags of meat trying to survive another day.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: After sitting through a grueling four-hour motivational speaker who tries to inspire staff with empty pablum like, “It doesn’t matter where you’re coming from; it only matters where you’re going,” and “If you’re not moving towards your goals, you’re moving away from your goals,” everyone breaks for the nearest strip mall restaurant that sells liquor. Six drinks and a lot of group venting later, it’s just you and Tim alternately shooting the shit and shooting whisky. He tells you about his big plans to move to the city to escape his love for Sarah, but the lack of conviction in his voice betrays how trapped he realizes he is. When he’s in the bathroom you whisper into your phone, “Siri, note that I shouldn’t ever be as pathetic as Tim.” She responds with, “Then why did you take this internship you unambitious piece of shit?”
A Few Major Plot Points: Oscar is outed as a homosexual, Dwight takes Ryan out to Schrute Farms for an initiation with Mose, the Dunder Mifflin staff goes to Kelly’s Diwali celebration, and many attend Phyllis’ wedding. Which Makes the Audience Think: “Wait, so these people do have lives outside of the office.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: Sure, in the office the employees may seem like pathetic drones just checking off boxes until they end up six feet under, but outside of the office... they’re even more pathetic. Becky – who certainly has a crush on you – invited you to a family cookout that featured hockey puck hamburgers and a screaming match with her dad, highlighted with, “Well, if you don’t want to pay for another abortion, it looks like I’ll have to get [you] to kick your ass!” After hightailing it out of there you decide to meet up with Sarah, the other intern they hired this summer, just to see if her outlook is as jaded as your own. It isn’t. As she tells you her twenty-year plan that involved crawling up the corporate ladder one hard-fought rung at a time, only to quit at the peak of her middle management powers to have two kids, you begin wondering why gun laws aren’t more lax in the United States.
Week 3 Season 4
Week 4
A Few Major Plot Points: After Karen leaves and breaks up with him, Jim becomes the regional manager of the Scranton branch, and begins dating Pam. Toby moves to Costa Rica after confessing his love for Pam, and is replaced by Holly Flax, who shows affection for Michael. Despite being in a loving relationship with Jim, Pam moves to New York for a three-month stint at art school. Which Makes the Audience Think: “Sometimes it’s important to look up from your daily grind, stop, and shake things up.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: All your friends are either working internships that fall in line with their future careers, or living off daddy’s money doing a summer-long, music fest bender. You come into the office to sit under sterile lighting and get mixed up in meaningless peoples’ lives for what, $10 and hour? Another bullet point on your resume? You’ll spend all that money within three weeks of fall semester, and the only “skill” you’re gaining here is “coordinated with management” and “became fluent in Microsoft Office.” Your other co-workers seem to be escaping this sinking ship, and you should too.
The Office, a nine-year Thursday night comedy staple, is wrapping up its run on May 16th, right as you’re about to start your summer internship. The parallels are astounding, as the progression of the show perfectly mimics your slipping sanity while working this summer. Don’t believe us? Read on. Written by Brendan and Quinn Season 9
Season 5
A Few Major Plot Points: Jim and Pam become engaged, and Pam moves back to Scranton where the two buy Jim’s parents’ house. Michael attempts a romance with Holly, but she’s transferred to another branch. Michael hates the new vice president of Dunder Mifflin and decides to start the Michael Scott Paper Company, but it is immediately bought out by Dunder Mifflin. Which Makes the Audience Think: “Sometimes it’s best to ignore what ails you, buckle down, and get back in line.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: Things are finally starting to get a little interesting, the two people you kind of like are around on a regular basis, and your boss isn’t so awkwardly focused on making you feel at home. Instead he’s got his eye on the new HR lady, who’s actually kind of hot. Once you get to really know these people, you start to care for them. And when you start to care for them, you become interested in the tiniest aspects of their day-to-day interactions. Plus you’ve got a lot of responsibility, and your beloved co-workers actually rely on you! You’re a special, and important part of this organization, to leave now would be a downright mean thing to do.
Week 5 Season 6
Season 7
A Few Major Plot Points: Michael Scott asks for Holly’s hand in marriage and the two move to Colorado. More relationships change. Michael’s first replacement is seriously injured, leading Jo, the CEO of Sabre, to create a search committee to interview candidates to manage the office. Which Makes the Audience Think: “This whole thing’s but a walking shadow, full of sound and fury, yet signifying nothing.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: You’ve tuned out. Your kind-of-endearing but increasingly-annoying manager has moved on after dedicating 20 years of his heart and soul to the company. Everyone is caught up in the same drivel that blinds them from the truth: they’re living horrifyingly bland lives. He likes her, she likes someone else, and the no one likes the new manager. Whatever, you’re almost out. Two more weeks and you’ll continue your education, trying ever harder to ensure you never get caught staring into the cold, unforgiving glow of a computer screen for hours on end. All these things happen around you, but like a dead cat carcass in the bottom of a river, you let it all pass over you. The only thing that keeps you coming back is some unknown universal force of attachment to the place, and another brick in the ol’ resume.
Week 6
A Few Major Plot Points: Jim and Pam have a baby, while other relationships bud or falter, keeping the dying show on life support. At Christmas it’s announced that Dunder Mifflin will be bought out by Sabre Corporation, a printer company. Many executives are let go and other branches closed, but the Scranton office prevails yet again. Which Makes the Audience Think: “This monotony is inescapable. It goes on and on and on, the same thing over and over again until we die.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: Turns out a larger company is buying the shitty company you work for, so hey, maybe you’ll have more connections coming out of this thing than a letter of recommendation from Randy, the guy who feeds and waters his jar of pennies in the back. Yes, it could also mean the branch you work for might close, but that’s fine because you’ve been wanting to get out of here and away from all the weird inter-office fucking that goes on. But just when you start to see the light, a sickening change in upper management sets you right back in line. Coming in every day, watching the same dead-eyed people have meaningless bouts of awkward conversation, and incessantly churning out whatever product you produce for the insatiable capitalist machine.
Week 7 Season 8
A Few Major Plot Points: Oscar considers adopting Angela’s cat, Kevin gets a turtle, Dwight teaches Erin Dothraki, an acapella group shows up, Pam gives people lice, and there’s a paper airplane contest. Which Makes the Audience Think: “This is the way the world ends. This is the way the world ends. This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang but a whimper.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: Love, loss, heartbreak, sadness, despair, the summer of 2013 has been a death march started on the happy shores of Memorial Day, and only precious few will make it to the deep-jungle internment camp just past Labor Day. The oppressive early-August humidity coupled with emotional burnout caused by high staff turnover, little time off, and policy changes leaves staffers with thousand-yard stares. Yancy is killing time counting watercooler bubbles, and Fran just keeps Xeroxing the same blank sheet of paper over and over again. Everyone just wants the summer to be over with, most of all, you. As you thumb through party pics from the previous spring on your iPhone, you find yourself compelled to walk out the door. As you exit the building you rip off your tie and slacks, as the cool, moist air rushes over your naked body. Freeeeeeeedom! You’ll never work a white-collar job again.
Week 8
Week 9
A Few Major Plot Points: Robert California helms Dunder Mifflin/Sabre, Andy takes over as Regional Manager, mad people be pregnant, and Andy quits. Which Makes the Audience Think: “The new sheriff in town will force these people back in line, unless he’s as insane as the rest of them.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: You’re hoping this new manager will come in, lay down the law, and make these last few weeks turn to the normalcy you expected when you signed up for this gig. No dice. Instead, he’s even zanier than the last guy. He puts Mark “I threw a mini fridge down the elevator shaft when I wasn’t granted the vacation days I wanted” Miller in charge of your department; sure it’s quieter, but you could cut the tension with a knife. Every day a very pregnant Katelyn quietly cries a few cubicles over. You wish you could join her in sobbing, but that would mean the stale fluorescent bulbs hadn’t sapped you of every last emotion you’ve ever had. A lecture hall never sounded more promising.
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theblacksheeponline.com
bartender of the week neil r. cha-cha's Age: 22 Favorite beer: Bud Light
If you could hook up with a celebrity who would it be: Jennifer Aniston
Favorite shot: Jameson
Favorite super hero: Batman
Have you invented any recipes yourself? Southern Comfort + Malibu + pineapple juice
Most ridiculous thing you’ve seen on the job: Seeing someone throw up in there hands while standing at the bar, then acting like nothing happened and continuing to drink their drink.
“I dare you” recipe: 4 Horsemen What’s your Karaoke song? “Suit and Tie,” by Justin Timberlake Life motto: Be happy with what you do. Secret talents: I’ve got some pretty killer dance moves and can make some mean cookies. Ever met anyone famous: Ja Rule in an LA airport; I was there for a tournament with my team, wasting time, walking around the airport, and we ran into him at California Pizza Kitchen and got a picture with him and chatted for a second. He was really small and his body guard was one of the biggest guys I’ve ever seen.
the drinking game:
Beeramid Now Brewing at VCU! The Egyptians had a long history of drinking beer, the Aztecs too. Yes, these great civilizations just loved cracking open a cold one after a hard day erecting aweinspiring feats of engineering. Now it’s time to include the college student when breathlessly mentioning great pyramid-building, beer-loving societies. Greatness, thy name is Keystone Light! What You’ll Need: Some empties, some fullies, a fair amount of coordination. Number of Players: 3-6 Level of Intoxication: Denial (of your drinking problem) ain’t just a river in Egypt. How to Play: - Start the game by placing one full beer in the middle of the table. - Moving clockwise, each player takes turns placing an empty beer can to the right or left of the full beer can. - The bottom row of cans can only be six cans wide. - Once at least two beer cans are placed on the bottom row, players may begin building up, creating the classic two-dimensional pyramid shape. - Players continue building the pyramid until the pyramid collapses. - No player may place one can directly on top of another can, unless the all six vertical rows of the pyramid are completed. In this case, begin stacking single beers on top of one another. - The player who causes the pyramid to collapse must chug the full beer on the bottom row of the pyramid.
Compass Plaza M-F 7:30am-3:00pm
The Game Ends When: Someone gets mad and calls their mummy.
@alchemyrva alchemycoffeerva download our app for all of our drinking games!
What’s your biggest pet peeve while behind the bar: People waving their hand in your face to get your attention. We know you’re there and we know you want a drink, and [we] will get to you. What’s the best way to get your attention on a crowded night: Either have [your] money or card in hand and look like you know what you would like already. Craziest thing you’ve seen someone do for a free drink: Flashing the bartenders on a crowded Friday night.
recipe for disaster:
chocolate lasagna Screw all the health crap being shoved down everyone’s throats. Live a little, have the extra piece of cake, drink more beer, and have dessert for dinner—especially if it’s chocolate lasagna. What You’ll Need: 1 package Oreo cookies, 6 tablespoon melted butter, 8-ounce package cream cheese (softened), 1/4 cup granulated sugar, 2 tablespoons milk, 12-ounce tub of Cool Whip, two 3.9-ounce packages of chocolate instant pudding, 3 1/4 cups cold milk, and 1 1/2 cups mini chocolate chips. Cook Time: Just over an hour. Fatty Factor: The perfect cure for a chubby kid’s sweet tooth. Let’s Get Baked: - Put the Oreos in a Ziploc bag and smash them with a hard object until they’re crumbs. We recommend thinking about something that pisses you off, like your lying, cheating whore ex. - Add the melted butter into the Oreo bag and mix. - Pour the Oreo and butter mix evenly across the bottom of your baking pan and place the pan in the refrigerator while you prepare the rest of the recipe. - Mix the cream cheese in a separate bowl until it’s light and fluffy. - Add in 2 tablespoons of milk, sugar and 1 1/2 cups of the Cool Whip and mix until combined. - Remove the pan from the fridge and spread the cream cheese mixture over the Oreo crust. - Combine the chocolate instant pudding with the rest of the milk. Stir until the pudding starts to thicken. - Spread the pudding over the other layers with a spatula. - Let your lasagna chill for another five minutes in the refrigerator. - Remove the pan from the fridge, spread the remaining Cool Whip over your lasagna and sprinkle chocolate chips over the top. - Put your chocolate lasagna in the freezer for an hour before chowin’ down. Let it thaw a bit before diggin’ your teeth into it. The Black Sheep is not responsible for dental work. We’ll pull the teeth out, though, if you ask nicely.
Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com
page 14
find the differences
theblacksheeponline.com
there are 10 differences in this sweet job fair seminar. can you find them all?
the crossword: candies
Across 1) People collect these dispensers 2) Most popular type of gummi 4) “You’re not you when you’re hungry.” 7) Extremely sour candy that was a hit in middle school 11) It’s supposedly everlasting 12) Lil’ Wayne wanted to lick you like one of these 15) A chew named after this 1920s dance 16) You can’t really use this candy for support, gramps 18) This candy is found on a strip of paper 20) A classic novel, with three of these DOWN 1) Little marshmallow chicks 3) Kids crushed these
Meet The Staff campus manager Hayley Evans
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Editorial manager Gregory Alexander
pr/Marketing team Lorenzo Simpson, Rebecca Britt Jasmine Kent, Deanna Celmer Kenneth Jordan, Morgan Carey Kelsey Grupp, Meredith Frick
Advertising ManagerS Tyler Harvey, Taylor Smith
campus director Quinn Myers
Writers Daniel Park, Olivia Talbott Jessica Overcash, Olivia Walthall John Borkey, Ciara Roman Lorenzo Simpson distribution manager Jess Overcash Social media manager Jasmine Kent pr/marketing manager Casey Burnett
and snorted them, stupidly 5) Popular Easter chocolate egg 6) Individually wrapped chewy candy, originally known as Opal Fruits 8) Also the name of a Burger King staple 9) Pennsylvania town and huge chocolate manufacturer 10) A notoriously fancy chocolate company 11) M&M’s seductive mascot is this color 13) Bart Simpson was the face of this in the 90s 14) Peanut butter cup brand with over 21 variations 17) This mint had a whole Seinfeld episode 19) Caramel and cookie covered in milk chocolate
owner Atish Doshi Founders Sarah A., Lenton A., Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com
Republic Mojo’s Philadeli 1800 Bar & Grill Fish Bowl First & Main Electronics The Camel Club Infuzion Posh Aurora Village Cafe Little Mexico Little Mexico
821 Cafe Rumors Panda Garden Good Taste Cary and Belvidere Strange Matter Crossroads - ice Sticky Rice Presidential Cuts Ackell Cous Cous cream and coffee Bodillaz 8 1/2 Canal The Art building Bellytimber shop Baja Apartments Chilli’s/Cary St Deli Roxy Cafe Virginia Book Mulligans Sports Head Hunters Snead Hall Starlite Company Bar Piccolas Engineering Starbucks Absolute Tattoo Rev it UP Red Dragon China building Godfreys Plaza art supply City Dogs Hibbs hall Bleeker St Cafe Carry St Cafe shop Delux Harris Hall Jonahs Cafeteria Cha Cha’s Apprentice Hair Monkeys Bar&Grill The Commons PLUS DORMS Lucky Buddha Salon Sidewalk Cafe Academic Building AND STREET Off The Hookah Ramz Nails Empire Broad and BelviTEAMS AND Stuffy’s Fine Foods T T Lounge dere MORE!
Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Ave., Suite 1 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747
Mansion. Apartment. Shack. House. Got Engaged At: - WNBA Game - DIxie Chicks concert - ASPCA convention - Google Meetup
Celebrity to Officiate Wedding: - Ke$ha - Miley Cyrus - Lindsay Lohan - Paris Hilton
Honeymoon Adventure: - Jet skiing in glitter unitards - Cleaning your aunt’s house - Visiting a Westboro protest - Trick-or-treating in June
Best Man: - Tom Haverford - Tommy Lee Jones - Tom Petty - Thom Yorke
First Dance: - “Pony” by Ginuwine - “Get Ur Freak On” by Missy Elliot - “Waterfalls” by TLC - “Gimme Some More” by Busta Rhymes
Matching Body Modification: - Horns in forehead - Ears gauged in a heart shape - Corset up the neck - Bill Clinton tattoo on the chest
Maid of Honor: - Lisa Simpson - Lisa Loeb - Lisa Kudrow - Lisa Lampanelli
Wedding souvenir: - Defective condoms - $10 McDonald’s gift card - Homemade Peep-infused vodka - Soluja Boy “Crank That” CD Single
Highlight of Married Life: - Properly breeding poodles - Threesome with Katie Couric - Flying first class to Houston - Growing lettuce successfully
How to play
Doodle some dots on the page until a friend (or your brain) tells you to stop. Starting with M.A.S.H., go around the board crossing off whatever option corresponds with your number. Go around the board until only one of each category is left. That, my friend, is your future. Enjoy it.
Carriage House Under New Management Amenities Include: Free Utilities, High Speed Internet and Cable Walking Distance to VCU VCU Shuttle Bus Stop Individual Leases Washer/Dryer in Every Apartment 24Hr Maintenance Garage Parking Available Professional Management
For more information please call 804.343.0007, email us at CarriageHouseLLC@gmail.com or visit us at 728 West Marshall Street, Richmond, VA. Ask ab o our Fal ut l 2013 Specia l!
r Come to Ou se u o Open H from on April 13 m p 1pm-5 !