w s d v i n o w w e j b k h h w w
b t w b o o z F E E G q a u a E E
n y T l o l o U l f A a n h p l l
k o H y o l o N p n M z d I p k k
m p E m u r e v a m E m i S y m m
@BlackSheep_VCU • December 5th, 2013
k l x t r S h b n f S t r S h r r
q t c B b H u o d x l e u U q q q
e w z L m E l o s a m l l E w s s
e e v A w e n b e e e e e l e y e
e r b C x P b s s s s s s s s s s
a k r K z k s a b a a a a a a a a
r o u o k j u s j h h h h h h h h
b r e n d n s u x p p p p p p p p
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I got you a present with a bow on it...
Word
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Crapsize Simply, falling asleep while taking a dump. “Billy crapsized in the first-floor bathroom after holing up in there for several hours following taco night.”
of the
Week Guess
Now I just need to put it in your box.
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Tweet us your creepiest, most hilarious, most perverted, most raunchy (or all of the above) pick-up lines to @BlackSheep_VCU #BadTimesMan If yours proves to be the weirdest, you’ll win a prize and be featured in next week’s issue!
Last Week’s Answer: Purdue Pete
The Black Sheep
Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @BlackSheep_VCU and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!
A director that would repurpose an anthropomorphized rabbit book with pink flamingos instead.
Last Week’s Answer: Tucker Max Headroom
The Black Sheep’s
Guide to Wrapping a Gift
Step 2: Determine Your Length: Ah, victory! Victory over, you Tom, do you hear us? Unravel some wrapping paper and place your gift on it to make sure you measure enough wrapping paper to wrap the whole thing. Otherwise you’re just being wasteful and…wait, now there’s more than enough—like, an inch too much, which is perfect, because now you have to cut the paper. Now it’s time to see what you’re made of, buds-o. The cut should be straight and uniform, just make sure you use a steady hand and, no! No! God, why did you stop to scratch your stomach? Now we’re going to have to start all over because it’s uneven, or, wait, it’s not that bad, just freaking finish this cut and remember to tuck this side under the straight edge, or do you not have the self-control to do even that?
Step 1: Collect Your Supplies: You have the present you bought for the person you want to manipulate care for and you remembered to pick up some wrapping paper at Staples, and what do ribbons or bows matter anyway, right? Good, great, you’re doing well here, you’re even holding those scissors away from your body. Now where’s the tape? You, yes you totally have it somewhere, remember that time you had to hang those—no, stop. Go check the drawer. No, not that one, the other one. It’s in there, isn’t it? It’s not? Well then—Tom. It had to be that asshole Tom. Great. Now you’re going to have to go back to the store and get some—Yes, you’re definitely going to have to pee in Tom’s orange juice—you’re going to have to get some more tape.
Step 3: Determine Your Width: Unless you bought your loved one a two-byfour, that yard-tall roll of wrapping paper you just mangled is going to have to be hemmed a little for wrapping purposes. Measure the gift to determine an accurate cut point on the width sides and get to snippin’. Just—please, for the love of whatever deity it is your root for—do not make the same mistake again. Cut in a straight line, just be certain of yourself, man and don’t rip the—you ripped the goddamn paper, we just said not to do that. Ok, no, we’ll get through this. Just get a finished cut that works in theory. Yes, like string theory, but somehow more difficult for you to understand. We’re crying now, we hope you’re happy. Step 4: Tape the main lines: Remember that first big cut you finished? Now you’re going to tape each side together using one-inch pieces of tape at six-inch intervals. Oh yeah, that’s right, time to use that brand-spankin’-new tape you nabbed in a jif, not that lost-under-his-bed roll that Tom—fucking
Tom—so lazily lost like it was sticky dust in the wind. Now, hold the wrapping seam together with one hand and use the other to tear off a piece of tape and—what do you mean this is harder than it sounds? No, ok, switch hands and try again. No, this way is definitely easier. Ugh, maybe work on your dexterity a little. You know, just let go of the wrapping and pull off like, six pieces of tape and put them somewhere, then use the tape. Jesus, you people. Step 5: Fold and Tape the Corners: You, uh, you haven’t been doing so hot at this, and now you expect to fold and tape at the same time? So you’re really going to do this? Fine. First, tear off four pieces of tape. Once those are easily accessible, pull each corner taught and fold it in half, diagonally. Then, fold in the sides. This isn’t brain surgery-level difficulty but—Christ, ok, just try it again, we’re so close. Deep breath…and fold. Wow, would you look at that. So great, once each of those have been done four times, you should fold and tape your trapezoidal flap to the gift. Goddammit, you forgot to prep the tape again, didn’t you? Fine, we’ll wait. Just…whistlin’ Dixie over here while this Cleatus-faced motherfu—Oh, hey, you’re back! Fold it and tape it… there! Voila! Does it look good? What? No? Well, then…
Step 6: Make Someone Else Do It: With your inability to do anything right, we’re sure you’ll hear it dozens of times this year: It’s the thought the counts. So, when you hand over that perfectly-wrapped gift to your family member or gift-level acquaintance, then you can say, “Hey, I tried wrapping this but I think my parents drove a railroad spike through my head as a child, so I totally butchered my attempt and I had to beg someone way more competent than I to do it for me,” or something to that effect. And beg them, you will.
a dream before my exam
madlib The worst dream ever? Trying to explain to my instructor why I couldn’t complete my final. I had just finished studying when I dozed off and wound up in front of my Google Drive, typing out a pity letter: Dear Professor Takeshita, Will you please let me make up the final that I missed? Last night I was studying in the __1__ when __2__ bros ran into the building and began attacking students with __3__ and __4__. My studying was interrupted because I had to duel a member of __5__ with a __6__. Then a member of __7__ knocked me out with a __8__ __9__. I woke up in a random room in __10__ where I was tortured by eating massive amounts of Shafer __11__. After they were finished torturing me with that ghastly food, they asked me when my final was. I told them 8 a.m. and that if I wasn’t in the room by then, I wouldn’t be allowed to take the test. They looked at their watches and laughed. “7:55. Better run. Mwahahaha!”
I sprinted to the __12__ and bought a blue book. I checked the time and it was 7:57 a.m. I sprinted to __13__ when tragedy struck. The sprinting had spurred on my digestive system from all the __14__ from Shafer, and I, all of a sudden, had to __15__. I began to waddle as quickly as possible to__16__ while preventing my pants from __17__. Finally, as I reached __18__, I knew my efforts to make it on time would be all for naught. As I opened the door, my overexerted butt muscles gave out and I found myself slipping and falling in my own __19__. It was 8:01 a.m. and I headed back to __20__ to beat my torturers senseless with a __21__. Please sir, now that I have avenged my dignity, allow me to retake the final and avenge my grade. I cannot allow the semester to end under such shitty circumstances. Thanks, __22__
1) VCU building 2) Your favorite fraternity 3) Child’s toy(s) 4) Sex toy(s) 5) Another Greek organization 6) Sex toy 7) Greek organization 8) Adjective 9) Child’s toy 10) VCU building 11) Spicy Food 12) A VCU store
13) VCU building 14) Spicy food from #11 15) Poop euphemism 16) VCU building 17) Poop euphemism 18) VCU building 19) Poop euphemism 20) VCU building 21) Noun 22) Your name or pseudonym
By Dixie Secksy
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Craving Something Sweet?
An
Concept Salon
Bring a student ID and recieve 10% OFF of your service total. -or-
Bring a friend and both of you can recive up to 15% OFF of your service totals. 7015 B Staples Mill Rd. Henrico, Va 23228 (At the intersection of Hilliard and Glenside Ave) 804-515-9030 www.wyldology.com
Head to Mo’s Sweet Minis!
Dorms Be Studying Like By: Lorenzo Simpson
Ten
Gifts to Give
Shaka Smart
10.) Slim Ties: Shaka, always looking so snazzy with his button ups and fancy watches, but those fat VCU school colored ties look like anchors tied around his neck! Slim ties are what all the sharp fellas are wearing these days. 9.) A Wild Cat: Word on the street (or on his Wikipedia web page, at least) is that Mr. Smart absolutely loves big cats. And what better gift for our badass basketball coach than an equally badass pet? No one would give him trouble late at night in Monroe Park with a tiger crouched nearby. 8.) His Own Quote Book: English majors and Tumblr lovers get ready for glee, Shaka also has a thing for quotes! Rumor has it he has a huge file of quotes he has compiled throughout his lifetime. If you really want to make his Christmas, how about snag that document and get it printed and bound and give it to him as a gift? Sure, breaking into his house and stealing his laptop may ruin his Christmas and land you in a VCU cop car… but deep down he’ll be touched! 7). Rosetta Stone for Zulu: Mr. Smart was named after the legendary warrior-king of the Zulu kingdom in Africa. Blow a few hundred on Rosetta Stone so he can learn the language of his namesake, and sound extra intimidating on the sidelines. 6.) Family Christmas Photo Shoot: It would be so incredibly awesome to get Christmas costume pictures of the Smarts on the VCU website. Imagine Shaka and Maya in matching Mr. & Mrs. Claus costumes and then Baby Zora dressed up as a tiny elf! WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT’S ALREADY WEIRD WE KNOW HIS FAMILY MEMBERS’ NAMES?
the tip jar, and reads your 38th text message, they will most definitely hook you up! Just, after one last quick hook up.
Broad & Belvidere: These guys live on the busiest street in Richmond. Past residents have had to suffer through riots, presidential rallies (riots), and annoying marathon runners! At the beginning of the year, every resident is equipped with a pair of noise cancelling headphones to keep out the clusterfuck of cacophony living right outside their door. So knock all you want on every door in your hall. No one can hear you, and no one will help you. So if your B&B Bro invites you over to study, scream NO! He’ll take it as a compliment.
Brandt/Rhodes: The frosh-packed dorm is all about their cash flow, not just their class flow. The BookHolders booth sets up shop right outside their double doors, so of course they want to be the first ones to trade in all the books they didn’t read. Therefore, they all hunker down and study like crazy for an entire two weeks before the test! We’re lying, most of them just scan the pages in, ditch their books early, get some end o’ the year scratch, and ball out before their parents come to get them. Advanced calculus? How about a new XBox One game so they can finally play the damn thing instead of just using it to watch porn.
GRC-1: A park full of policemen on one side, a strip of restaurants/bars on the other. Now we’re not saying the triple O-GRC-ers tend to overexaggerate the concept of a study break. However, if you stop by to pick up a classmate’s textbook around the hours of 9 p.m. and 1 a.m. and they went AWOL, they’re most likely “resting their brain cells” at Mojo’s, using that textbook as a pillow after a double-barrel full o’ shots to the face. Once your classmate pulls their phone out of
West Grace South: No one at West Grace South ever studies at West Grace South. They live next to the craziest construction sites in town, and it’s even started to affect the inside of their dorm. What was the study room one week is the Career Center the next. The Conference Room just got plans to become a Google think tank. The front desk will be turned into a mini bar in a month, it just won’t stop! It’s like they’re living in a Long & Foster
06
Top
By: Julie Gassaway
Let’s keep it 100. No one really wants to study at the library if they don’t have to. So, it’s time to pick a study partner whose dorm doesn’t smell like ass poutine (i.e, yours). But which homeboy’s home should you hang at to book up? Let’s take a little peeky peek into the true studying habits of each dorm: Cabaniss Hall: Oh, they’re so far away from everything, I bet no one bothers them while they party like it’s early 2013, right? SO WRONG! These guys know how to make an hour out of 15 minutes. Remember that they have to factor in the time it takes for the bus to get to them, drive through downtown, and spit them outside of Cabell before they even start to gallop to their test! Being an isolated group, they huddle together for warmth and test answers. Plus, they can study on the go with no fear of being mowed over by oncoming traffic. Busses boost brain power, all hail Cabi!
The
commercial! So instead of studying in that little Funhouse of Horrors, you can find them scattered across Cabell, in fetal positions, books tightly nudged in between their legs, hands on their heads chanting, “I won’t change. They can’t change me.” ASPiRE: Whatever study schedule they’re on, you’re not. These guys go to more seminars and community service events than a county full of repeat shoplifters. Oh, you wanted to go through the study guide at 4? Sorry, they’ve gotta go save tone-deaf cancer patients on the other side of town. Cram session at 10? Nah, they’ve got mandatory meditation for four hours… but you can join them for a superpower lunch break from 4:22 p.m. to 4:28 p.m. before they have to go trim the branches of every tree in Monroe Park. So sorry if you couldn’t find a study buddy in time for the exam. You didn’t know about the 1 am. mega cram session where all of the professors Skype in and answer all your questions? Oh, you’re not in ASPiRE. Sorry. Hm. Ok, so maybe they’re not perfect. But it’s better than study room hopping for three hours and only getting 30 minutes of actual work done. So pick your poison and hope for the best!
5.) A Vertical Wind Room: The man makes a million and a half dollars a year. What could he possibly even do with all that money? Our idea, install one of those skydiving simulator fans in his office at Siegel so he can dance around with cash flying all around him.
4.) One on One Game with Obama: Fun fact! Shaka campaigned for Obama hardcore during both the 2008 and 2012 elections. While these two have met before, they sure as hell haven’t shot free throws together in Cary Street Gym. 3) Epic Personal Parking Spot: Chances are he’s got a “spot” at the Siegel Center already, but we’re talking a pimped-out, personalized one with a tall sign that reads “Shaka the World” in multi-colored neon flashing lights! 2.) Personal Soundtrack: He’d be able to blast this from his phone when he walks around campus. People already part ways for him when he walks into the Chipotle line next to Brandt and Johnson, why not have it happen to “The Eye of the Tiger” and “Black and Yellow”? 1.) Rogaine: To shake up and light on fire in a fiery bit of passion. He doesn’t need hair. His bald head shines with glory and demands respect. He is the opposite of Sampson: his lack of hair brings him all the power he needs.
Around campus Send us your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
on the Streets Would you rather eat a cup of pee-snow, or let it melt but have to drink it through a straw?
Joy, Junior
“I’d rather eat pee-snow, I guess the taste might not me as apparent.”
o m o re David, Soph
“I prefer a pee-snowball, drinking it is probably worse.”
ior Steven, Jun
“Pee-snowball for sure because drinking it would just be piss.”
07
He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.
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The Food and Event Grid
Happy Hour: Monday – Friday, 4-7pm
Sunday: $1 Tacos
Asian Fusion, Sushi, Hibachi. 24 Craft Beers on Tap, Modern Atmosphere & Great Service! Happy Hour Everyday 4:30pm-7pm
$2 Taco Night
Low Tide (4-8): $2 Off Select Apps RVA Pong! Cash prizes! Signups at 9pm
Happy Hour: Monday – Friday, 4-7pm
Happy Hour 4pm-7pm, 2 Tacos for $3, 11 Styles to choose from!
Open Until 2am! Check out our Facebook page for special events!
Happy Hour: 4:30pm-7pm $2 off Bar Menu, 1/2 off select bottles of wine
Fri. 12/6
Doc & The Keynotes
Low Tide (4-8): $2 Off Select Apps Live Music & DJs Every Weekend! NO COVER!
No Cover! Live Music at 9:30pm Happy Hour: Monday – Friday, 4-7pm
Happy Hour 4pm-7pm, 2 Tacos for $3, 11 Styles to choose from!
Open Until 2am! Check out our Facebook page for special events!
Happy Hour: 4:30pm-7pm $2 off Bar Menu, 1/2 off select bottles of wine
Sat. 12/7
Live Music!
Live Music & DJ’s Every Saturday Night!
Check Us Out During the Week for Happy Hour: Monday – Friday, 4-7pm
Come in on Sunday for $1 Tacos!
Open Until 2am! Check out our Facebook page for special events!
Happy Hour: 4:30pm-7pm $2 off Bar Menu, 1/2 off select bottles of wine
Pitcher of Bud Lt., Coors Lt. or Miller Lt. AND a Plate of Jumbo Wings for $11.99 We have Sunday Ticket! Every NFL Game, Every Sunday
Check Us Out During the Week for Happy Hour: Monday – Friday, 4-7pm
$1 Tacos!!!
Happy Hour 4:30pm-7pm Beverage & Food Specials!
Piano Brunch!
Open Mic Night w/ Stretch & The Elastics 9pm Sign-up, 10pm Start
Low Tide 4-8 pm: $2 OFF Select Apps
Happy Hour: Monday – Friday, 4-7pm
Happy Hour 4pm-7pm, 2 Tacos for $3, 11 Styles to choose from!
Happy Hour 4:30pm-7pm Beverage & Food Specials!
Closed
Tues. 12/10
Salsa Night w/ DJ Steve Greene
Low Tide (4-8) $2 Off Select Apps Burger Special Buy One, Get One free Te-quil-ya Tuesdays
1/2 Price Burger Night! 4-11pm, Dine-in Only Happy Hour: Monday – Friday, 4-7pm
Happy Hour 4pm-7pm, 2 Tacos for $3, 11 Styles to choose from!
Happy Hour 4:30pm-7pm Beverage & Food Specials!
Happy Hour: 4:30pm-7pm $2 off Bar Menu, 1/2 off select bottles of wine
Wed. 12/11
Live Music!
Low Tide (4-8) $2 Off Select Apps College Night! Show Your ID For Great Specials
Happy Hour: Monday – Friday, 4-7pm
Happy Hour 4pm-7pm, 2 Tacos for $3, 11 Styles to choose from!
Happy Hour 4:30pm-7pm
Happy Hour: 4:30pm-7pm $2 off Bar Menu, 1/2 off select bottles of wine
SPECIAL NIGHT
Thur. 12/5
Sun. 12/8
SUNDAY:
Every Friday: Doc & The Keynotes
Emilio’s Brunch Starting at Noon! Plus 1/2 Off Wings Radio Rubber Room Live Music Series at Night
Mon. 12/9
Pitcher of Bud Lt., Coors Lt. or Miller Lt. AND a Plate of Jumbo Wings for $11.99 We have Sunday Ticket! Every NFL Game, Every Sunday
Tuesday-Saturday! Happy Hour: 4:30pm-7pm $2 off Bar Menu, 1/2 off select bottles of wine
With Technology!
Old Christmas Movies, Revisited
A Christmas Story The Evils of Technology Make… “I want an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle!” becomes: “I want the X-Box One Day One Edition with Kinect, an extra controller, and a copy of Call of Duty: Ghosts!” And the Movie Flips: After Ralphie unwraps the gift his father so sneakily hid in the corner behind the tree he hustles over to his 50-inch flatscreen to hook up this modern technological marvel. After entering his info (and his parents’ credit card number) he anxiously slides the Call of Duty disc into the slot. The game whirrs and whirrs until finally a message appears on the screen: “Drive Cannot Read Disc.” In a fit of prepubescent rage, Ralphie clocks the flatscreen as hard as he can, splintering the thin film of glass and smashing a hole into the family’s sole source of happiness. Scared to death by a report on glass poisoning they saw on the news a week prior, his parents rush him to the hospital for a Christmas Day evaluation. Under his breath Ralphie mutters something about this being his parents’ fault, and a few quick calls later two DCFS representatives are at the hospital with some unwanted Christmas inquiries.
We’re not much for nostalgia, especially around the holidays. If we were six years old and Santa gifted us a plain wooden horse with tin wheels, we’d be so far down the Naughty List the next year, you’d think we’d have murdered our parents. And we did, we definitely did, because even at six we knew Santa was fake and, and that is not the PlayStation 4 we “asked” for. Yeah, so what? We like modern technology. What would happen if we forced this tech into old Christmas movies?
It’s a Wonderful Life The Evils of Technology Make…A tale about the redemption of a suicidal man who has given up on his dreams to help others becomes: Two guys on a cell phone chatting for two hours. And the Movie Flips: George Bailey sits alone in his underwear in his dark studio apartment watching a Christmas Eve Chopped marathon, empty 40s strewn around him. Bored and in need of attention, he fires up his cell phone and rips off a text message to his only friend, Clarence Odbody. “Gonna end it all tonight,” it reads. A minute later his phone vibrates, it’s Clarence, and he wants to talk. “Hah, there’s no heaven, you fuckin’ rube,” George the atheist tells Clarence, who insists that committing suicide with preclude George from getting into Heaven. They keep talking; Clarence citing examples of the good George’s service work has done for the community. George is only half paying attention because the contestants on Chopped have to work with a canned chicken, sweetbreads, honey sticks and Greek yogurt, and he has no idea what they’ll do with that. During commercial break, Clarence still on the phone, George walks over to the medicine cabinet and chases a handful of antidepressants with what’s left of his olde English 800, dozing off moments later to Clarence begging the phone, “Hello? Hello? George, you there?”
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer The Evils of Technology Make… The Island of Misfit Toys becomes: The Island of Outdated Gadgets. And the Movie Flips: As Rudolph and company run away from the Abominable Snow Monster, the FAA calls them out on deviating from their assigned flight path, forcing them to land on a nigh-inhabited island known the Island of Outdated Gadgets. Stranded on the island overnight, the crew seeks out a place that’ll be open on Christmas Eve. Walking into a restaurant, Rudolph sees booths heavy with first generation iPads, Nooks, and Kindles that don’t have color screens. They turn and stare at Rudolph, recognizing him immediately. A liaison approaches the Christmas cadre begging, “Mr. Reindeer, please, please take us away from this horrible place to a magical land where we’re wanted!” After a quick powwow with Santa, Rudolph returns with an offer, “We can swing by and get you guys tomorrow, we’re way behind, and those kids in sub-Saharan Africa can’t even afford calendars, so they won’t know if we’re a little late. Can’t promise you they won’t use you as rock picks or something, though.” The Outdated Gadgets cheer with joy, as their Christmas is saved.
FINALS BINGO!
let us guess... you’re sitting in the library and can’t focus, right? well don’t scroll through facebook for the 10th time, play our library bingo! stay where you are, or take a loop around your floor, and see how many of these things you can find.
Hanukkah Seek and Find
Are You Smarter
Lauren of Sam Miller’s
drinking game
Cabell library Chug-Off By Elena Correa
than?
1) Christmas: Santa Claus is based off of Sinterklaas, a mythological person found in this group’s mythology.
6) Toys: 1998 saw a holiday craze for this toy, which could say things like, “Show me a dance” and “Tell me a joke.”
2) Hanukah: How many branches are there on a menorah?
7) History: On January 1, 1971, these items could no longer be advertised on TV in America.
3) Kwanzaa: In what year was Kwanzaa first celebrated?
8) Birthdays: This “Stan” background singer was born on Christmas Day, 1971
4) New Year’s Eve: Since 2006, who has been tasked with presenting Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve?
9) Snow: The North American record for record snow depth was measured in this contiguous state.
5) The Rose Bowl: Each year, the Rose Bowl is played in what stadium?
10) Holiday Music: What wintry song thing is given life via silk hat?
Lauren’s Answers
Correct Answers
1) Dutch 2) 9 3) 1962 4) Ryan Seacrest 5) Hawaii Pacific Stadium 6) Tickle Me Elmo 7) Cigarettes 8) Faith Hill 9) North Dakota 10) Frosty The Snowman
1) Dutch 2) 9 3) 1969 4) Ryan Seacrest 5) The Rose Bowl 6) Furby 7) Cigarettes 8) Dido 9) California 10) Frosty the Snowman
Lauren’s Score: 5 out of 10
It’s Wednesday night and even though you have a paper due the next morning, all you want to do is get drunk. Succeeding in college is all about making compromises so, naturally, you call up a few friends, get a case of PBR and head on over to Club Cabell. Admit it, going to the library to study is 100% better when you’re catching a buzz in the meantime. And being the overachiever that you are, why not make a drinking game out of it? This game will no doubt have you giggling like a drunkard and making friends with those poor, unfortunate, stressed out, responsible students actually at the library to get some work done. What you’ll need: A venti sized Starbucks cup filled with beer and a sharp eye. Number of players: The more the merrier! Level of intoxication: Just enough to enjoy doing your calculus homework. How to Play: -Have your friends meet at Cabell. -Pick a spot with a central location (second floor would be your best bet), get out your books and pretend to be studying. -Whip out your cleverly-disguised venti brew stash . -Have your mouthwash/gum/garlic ready in case someone with “authority” comes by. -Get to people watching! Get to drinking when you see: - An RVA sticker - Someone munching down on Cane’s - An obvious super senior wearing a “final four” t-shirt
- A group of sorority girls making white noise as they chitchat at an uncomfortably loud volume - Camo pants or a camo jacket, a septum piercing, combat boots, and/or high waisted shorts - An art student hauling their sketches around - Someone with their hair dyed a funky color, shaved on one side, and/or an ombre dye job - A frat guy wearing a vest over a flannel, khakis, and bean boots (dude, it’s raining) - Someone with dreads wearing a drug rug and Jesus sandals looking around nervously - A soulless person sitting at a computer while working on their laptop Chug for 5 seconds when you see: - Someone with a “condom” beanie placed casually on top of their head (chug for 5 seconds longer if it says “DOPE” or “OBEY” across the top) - A drug deal go down in the bathroom - Someone whining to their parents on the phone about how stressed they are -An empty booth -That one dude casually puffing on his e-cig. So edgy. -DJ 5-0 Finish your drink when you see: - A joint or baggie of weed in the pages of that reference book you checked out - An adventurously kinky couple hooking up in one of the study rooms - A copy of The Black Sheep - A Cabell guard wielding his gun
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quiz
By Kalsey Hanratty
What Late-Night Eatery Are You?
2) On your way home from a party you would rather listen to… a) “Royals” – Lorde b) “23” – Mike Will Made It c) “Sweater Weather” – The Neighbourhood 3) When your parents come to visit the first thing you do is… a) Take them out for sauteed salmon. b) Get them trashed. c) Ditch em’ in Oregon Hill.
353-8885 en until 2am
4) When your friends go out on the weekend you like to… a) Go downtown immediately . b) Stay in your apartment. You got plenty of beer leftover from last month! c) Walk down the street for drinks at a neighborhood pub you found. 5) On Sunday mornings you like to… a) Play it lazy. Maybe go get breakfast with some friends. b) Go to church and then get a big lunch in Carytown. c) Sunday has a morning?
7) When stumbling into 7-Eleven at 2 a.m. you first grab… a) Arizona iced tea, $1 bitches! b) Doritos. Munch. Munch munch. Muchies. c) ECigs, bruh. 8) Your favorite movie series is… a) The Lord of The Rings b) Harry Potter c) Pirates of the Caribbean
6) Your favorite middle of the night snacks are… a) Peanut butter crackers. b) Tea and butter cookies. c) Leftover Cook-Out.
answer key
1) Your favorite winter accessory is/ are… a) A cashmere sweater. b) Gloves. c) A BIC lighter.
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tap on s ft dra 4 2
1:
A=3
B=2
C=1
2:
A=2
B=1
C=3
3:
A=1
B=3
C=2
4:
A=1
B=3
C=2
5:
A=2
B=3
C=1
6:
A=2
B=3
C=1
7:
A=3
B=1
C=3
8:
A=3
B=2
C=1
8-13: BoDillaz Hey, there’s no shame in being a cheapskate. Times are mad hard and we understand, we just hope your girlfriend does, too. Spicing up the night isn’t such a bad idea either, just don’t spice it up too much or you’ll blow your chances of getting freaky right out the back door. 14-20: The Village There’s no place like this friendly local eatery anywhere but Richmond. It’s the first place you have to try when you get into VCU and the place you’ll remember the most when you leave. If this is your place of choice, you’re probably a decent person. 21-24: Edo’s Squid Just because you can afford a high-class meal and have a lot of friends doesn’t mean you can look down on others, okay? Metaphorically of course, we realize Edo’s is on the second story of a building. Go enjoy your fancy Italian food that your parents probably paid for and leave everyone else to their 7-Eleven munchies run in peace.
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guess the movie santa!
each box features a different santa claus from various holiday movies. do you know which movie each santa comes from?
Kwanzaa Kwiz True or false Kwestion 1: True or False: Kwanzaa is celebrated from December 26th to January 1st.
Kwestion 4: True or False: Kwanzaa adopts much of its structure from Hanukkah.
Kwestion 2: True or False: The word “Kwanzaa” is derived from matunda ya kwanza, a Sotho phrase meaning, “first fruits of the harvest.”
Kwestion 5: True or False: Approximately 3.1% of Americans celebrate Kwanzaa each year.
Kwestion 3: True or False: The “pan-African colors” widely used during Kwanzaa are green, black and red.
answers:
Kwestion 6: True or False: Kwanzaa’s karamu feast is mentioned in Lionel Richie’s “All Night Long.”
1) True 2) False, the language is Swahili 3) True 4) F, it is adopted from Umkhosi in Zululand 5) F, 1.6% do 6) True 7) C 8) B 9) A 10) C
Multiple choice Kwestion 7: Which one of these items is not considered a Kwanzaa symbol: a) A Mkeka, a decorative mat b) Muhindi, corn c) Watubi, a small statue of a person d) Zawadi, gifts Kwestion 8: The Kinara, the Kwanzaa candle holder, traditionally hosts how many candles? a) 5 b) 7 c) 9 d) 6
Kwestion 9: During Kwanzaa the pouring of libations to honor ancestors is performed by… a) An elder b) The oldest male child c) The mother d) This does not happen Kwestion 10: Named The Black Candle, a 2009 documentary on Kwanzaa is narrated by who? a) Cornel West b) Barack Obama c) Maya Angelou d) Oprah Winfrey
15
recipe for disaster You’ve already taken your final, and everything is up to the whims and wants of your crotchety old professor. You have no faith in yourself and thoroughly believe no matter how well you did on the test, nothing can save you from the dreaded F-. The least you could hope for is to put your smiling face in good favor with the professor as he grades your test, and you can do that by making a nice, fresh batch of cookies. And if he says no, well, we’ve got you covered so you can go out with a blow. A colon-blow.
do something bad soon” then hang up. - Bake cookies 8 to 10 minutes in the preheated oven, or until golden brown. Let stand on cookie sheet two minutes before removing to cool on wire racks. Frosting: - Mix all the cream cheese, butter, sugar, and vanilla into big bowl. - Pour in the ex-lax while quoting Dumb & Dumber. - Do not put the frosting on the cookies yet.
What You’ll Need: Cookies: 1 ½ cup flour, 1 tsp baking soda, ½ tsp baking powder, 1 cup butter, 1 ½ cups sugar, 1 egg, 1 tsp vanilla extract, an oven, and a lawyer might come in handy as well.
The Grand Finale: - Walk into your professor’s office wearing something slutty, regardless of your sexual identity. - Tell him you studied really hard for your exam, but aren’t confident the grade will reflect your work over the semester, and ask if there’s anything you can do to sweeten the deal. - Show him your cookies, both the sugar and your buttcheeks/boobies.
Frosting: 16 oz cream cheese, ½ cup butter, 2 cups sugar, 1 tsp vanilla extract, 1… no, better make it 4 tablespoons of ex-lax. Fatty Factor: You might end up in jail or you might end up with a better grade. Either way leads to three hots and a cot, so it’s a winwin in our book.
If he says “Yes, it is university policy that I increase the score of any student who brings me cookies. Thank you!” - Say thank you, walk away, and throw away/burn any evidence of your ex-lax laced frosting. - Rejoice, because this is probably the first time this has ever actually worked!
Let’s Get Baked: Cookies: - Preheat oven to 375 degrees. - In a small bowl, stir together flour, baking soda and baking powder. - In a large bowl, cream together the butter and sugar until smooth. Beat in egg and vanilla while also blending in the dry ingredients. Roll rounded teaspoons of dough into balls, and place onto ungreased cookie sheets. - Call lawyer, ask if you can “buy some retainers, because you might
If he says he “can’t be bought,” “would get fired,” or is “allergic to gluten”… - Tell him that’s too bad, but you’ll leave your cookies anyway in case he gets peckish. - But first, say you need to add the hand-made, creamy, frosting to
Easy-Add Laxative Cookies each cookie. - Turn your cookies away from him while looking over your shoulder to add the frosting (try to keep smiling, so he knows this is completely innocent and in no way are you adding poison to his cookies.) - Lather each cookie up with the ex-lax laced cream cheese frosting and hand them back to him. - Without winking, tell him you hope these cookies “might change his mind” and “don’t give him. bouts of diarrhea so bad he’ll wonder if his insides have turned into liquid fire-y goo.” - Run out of his office, and start looking for flights to another country. Sometimes when you can’t get what you want, you need to poison your way there. Maybe he’ll give them to his stupid, shit-eating children who’ll in turn shit all over his shitty house, then he’ll think twice about not giving the students who make him cookies a better grade.
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