The Black Sheep
FR ne EE.. ws . li pa ke per lik on e ev VC ery U’s o ca ther mp us !
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Volume 4, Issue 14 • 4/25/13 - 5/1/13
Procrastination Fever! How to Spread a Virus During Finals Week MOjO LoLO wrote this Your final is almost here. It’s the last test, the one that will decide your fate in the class, and the outcome will determine the rest of your immediate future. And you decided to throw a rager instead of study. Never fear, The Black Sheep is here to help bail you out of this life altering screw-up. No one will be able to take finals if something crazy prevents students and professors from making it to class. Epidemic? HELLZ YEAH!!!! People will suffer, hospitals will be flooded, but hey, you’ll get extra time to study for that last test. You could take a trip down to U of R and track down Patient Zero of the mumps, then ambush them with a ninja kiss. Another option would be to head down to the nearest farm and roll around with the biggest, grimiest hog you can get your hands on. You’re bound to get a face full of swine flu (Ed. Note: Not actually how that works). Then double back to VCU campus contaminating everything you can get your grubby hands on, such as the Cabell computer mice, Pizza Hut boxes, and every door handle you can lick. Just make sure to be discreet. People will run the other way if they see you hocking on everything. Mumps and swine flu are great diseases to spread, because they guarantee 9+ days of solitude. That gives you a week and change to hit the books. How else can you infect people without their knowing? Backwash the crap out of your peers. Tell your victims that you’re about to die of thirst. When they hand you their drink, turn your head away from view, then tongue that bottle down like a Frenchman having his way with Gene Simmons. Smoothly hand them back their beverage like you didn’t just take it on a trip to GERMantown. Watch them slowly put the drink to their lips, narrowing your eyes evilly as they make contact. Rinse, lather, repeat this procedure with every one of your friends who will give you a drink, and sneak a sip from your stingy ones. Wait a few days for the virus(es) to incubate, and soon you’ll be hearing the cacophonous chorus of coughing collegiate coeds. Then sit on a high structure like a movie villain, and look down upon the Contagion-type chaos you have caused. Surely you’ll be able to spot someone making the stupid, overly dramatic Gwyneth Paltrow face as their mug swells up to the size of a rutabaga. What’s the point of causing an epidemic if you don’t admire your work? You know, stop and smell the parotitis (mumps bacteria. Yeah. Who said The Black Sheep never taught you anything?).
What Your Sunburn Says About You
If you’re a huge wimp, there is a less creepy way to infect. Hand out wristbands! Pretend you’re out to save the rainforest (not one in particular, just a rainforest). Every tree-hugger from here to Harris Hall will eat up any sob story you spin about some random-ass plant going extinct. Design some cool logo to put on the bands recyclopaths love so damn much. Here’s the catch: attach something “environmentally friendly” to the inside of each wristband: POISON IVY! Now look who’s going green!? People will be too itchy and swollen to take their tests, and they’ll gain a newfound hate for
what'’s inside
the rainforest. You’d be killing two populations with one plague. With a plethora of poisons to pick from, you can conduct the most vile stall tactic ever! Make sure you don’t get too ill trying to make the whole school sick, or the most you’ll be able to manage is a day or two of extra study time. If you play your germs right, you could have the entire school trippin’ for a solid fortnight, giving you ample time to study for your final. If you still procrastinate after that, we don’t know what to tell you, lazy.
Top Ten Games to Describe Your Sex Life
idiot Who Always Wears Shorts is Finally in Season
It says, “I think SPF ain’t nothin’ but a number, baby.”
As always, the official game to describe our sex life is musical chairs, hey-o.
No word on ‘Girl Who Wears Bikini Top to Class Like It’s Normal’.
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contents page 5: Fool Proof Grad School Recommendation Letter
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
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Seriously so easy, even you could do it.
page 6: Survival of the (Un)fittest Some food places need to know when to go.
page 7: From the Streets what do you like to do after the bars?
Table of
page 9: Harry Potter and the Order of the Rams Harry Potter eventually had his scholarship revoked after the NCAA termed “Free broom rides� to be an impermissible benefit as well as a very cheesy pickup line.
pages 10-11: Our Guide to Summer 2013 Fashion TWo guys with no fashion sense hate on skinny bitches.
page 12: Bartender of the week Mike from Off the Hookah dislikes looking at unfortunate looking girls, so you know who, stay away.
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Jordana Brewster & Daniel Radcliffe
word of the week
Boysterous: An open proclamation of sexual joy by a female who just got laid.
“Lana boysterously screamed ‘Yeah, just got banged, bitches!’ from the rooftops moments after Rodrigo exited her apartment.”
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What your sunburn says about you Daniel Park wrote this The sun is little more than an angry boy with a flashlight and a magnifying glass. He torches humans all day long, laughing at those devoid of sunscreen. Once again, we who toil and boil and don’t remember to block his beams make others wonder how we passed the third grade. Sunburns tell a lot about your personality, and The Black Sheep is going do a little burn reading. Too Cool for Tan: You’ve looked cool for the past six hours, chilling like a villain in your new Stussy tank-top. All the effort and time at the gym repays you, as you’re getting the ladies to finally notice your sexy hot bod. They may be checking out your pecs, but don’t expect to receive one on the cheek. You looked like Thor for a day, but your clumsy mistake of not putting on sunblock makes you look like Red Hulk by sundown. Your raging red torso supports your obvious stubborn meat-headedness – the sun’s a pussy, it can’t hurt you! Not too cool for sunblock now, eh chief? Thrifty Tan: You chose to give the sun your time instead of spending a few dollars at the tanning salon, proving you’re the thrifty type. Need to lose some pounds but don’t have a gym pass? Let the sun burn it off with its sweat-inducing rays! Don’t want to splurge on hot water? Get a sunburn and even the coldest showers seem excruciatingly hot! You’re burnt from head to toe, not because you didn’t buy sunscreen, but because you bought the knock-off brand from a thrift store that was half mayonnaise, half sewer water. Harvey Dent Tan: You’re a thrill-seeker. When you were a child, everyone around you said you needed to calm down. Over and over, voices swirled around your head, until finally... you decided to set your foot down and proclaim that you were going to mix it up. Chocolate or vanilla, salt or pepper, dawn or dusk, you’d remain two-faced. Oil on one half, SPF 1 billion on the other: the perfect tan for a fence sitter. Your burnt torso and pale legs tell everyone to stay away, lest their fate be left up to chance.
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Jersey Shore Tan: The phrase “center of attention” has a new meaning when you walk into the room. What girl doesn’t want to have both a glowing personality AND appearance? But thank you for being the “life of the party.” Honestly, it was boring as shit until your Agent Orange ass walked in and gave people something to talk about besides finals. Your orange glow is a more effective distraction than anything we could have dreamed of, and your sloppy drunken antics are just the cream cheese frosting on the carrot cake. A bad tan isn’t the end of the world. Sure, your friends might make fun of you, you’ll look stupid, and your skin will feel like it’s on fire, but these are all only temporary things. Eventually, that sunburn will fade and you’ll be ready to try again, and maybe this time, you won’t end up looking like a boiled lobster.
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Fool-Proof Grad School Recommendation Letter TBS STAFF wrote this Applying to graduate school can be a very troublesome experience. The uncertainty of the future mixed with application fees and deadlines provides more stress than the average person can take. To make this process a little easier for you, The Black Sheep got in touch with a few ex-grad school application committee heads in order to create the most fool-proof letter of recommendation for you to use at your disposal. All you need to do is write your name in the blank spaces and say that you delivered papers for us or something.
_______________ removed his shirt, revealing one of the most cut six packs I have ever seen in my life, and wrapped it around his fist to begin the Heimlich maneuver. When this failed, _______________ began emergency CPR. It succeeded; he breathed life into that young child. When I asked him what compels him to do all of this for the less fortunate, he simply said, “Because I give a damn.” When the news crew came to cover the story, _______________ refused to stick around for interviews because he had a marathon to run later that day.
Dear sir/madame, It has come to my attention that you are considering accepting _______________ into your graduate school program. Having myself held jobs at Harvard and Princeton, I am more than aware of the qualities you are looking for in an applicant. You want somebody who is committed, intelligent, and who displays leadership in both his studies and community, which is all too convenient being that if you looked up the words commitment, intelligence, and leadership in a dictionary you would literally see a picture of _______________’s dick.
It was a while before I saw this brilliant young student again. Sure enough, however, I caught wind of a good Samaritan who was teaching inmates at the Richmond Jail in an article on CNN. Apparently _______________ had created a class called “Sensitive Mathematics” which functioned as a cross between advanced mathematics and male sensitivity training. In this class, inmates answer complex mathematical proofs, and when they get one right it is followed by that inmate sharing a dream or aspiration, which is then followed by a period of shared crying. The program has proved so successful that former participants have been accepted to institutions such as Stanford Law and MIT.
_______________ is the most intellectually, athletically, and sexually impressive student I have ever had the luxury of coming across during my esteemed career. I first met _______________ when I was volunteering in Haiti. There was an elementary school in one of the country’s poorest slums which was strangely producing some of the country’s most gifted and hardworking citizens. I visited the school to see what was happening within its walls, and when I got there I saw _______________ standing at the front of the class, teaching the young students advanced calculus. Not only that, he was also delivering his lecture in Latin.
_______________ is not all business all of the time, however. Like any normal guy, he has many different hobbies and crafts. When he isn’t getting his body into peak physical condition in preparation for his bimonthly triathlons, _______________ enjoys leading therapeutic drum circles with deaf children through his city’s community recreation center. At night, _______________ takes his musical talents to his town’s retirement home by playing double-bass in a big band ensemble alongside a group of troubled youths he is mentoring. Members of Shady Oaks retirement center enjoy hearing lively renditions of hits from Dave Brubeck, Benny Goodman, and Dizzy Gillespie.
girlfriend, and almost never has chance to write his beloved articles in our university’s Human and Environmental Rights newsletter. However, there is one thing that he would never neglect, and that is his duties to you and your fine graduate school.
When I went to approach this impressive individual, a student in the front of the class began choking on a raisin. Without hesitation,
If there is one flaw that _______________ has, it’s that he cares too much. He often has little time to spend with his model, cheerleader
T. B. Sheep
Please accept _______________. Do it for the Haitian children. Sincerely,
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The
Top 10
theblacksheeponline.com
games that describe your sex life
Now that we’re getting older it’s time to put the old board games into storage and bring out the drinking games. Even though you think you favorite pastimes are peeling in your parent’s basement, you might be surprised how much you’ve actually learned from them. They might even save your sex life from its dreaded missionary position. 10.) Candy Land: There are no limits when it comes to the sweet stuff in bed. Whipped cream, lollipops, chocolate, you name it. Play with the Duke of Swirl, but steer clear of the visit to Gramma Nutt until the very, very end. And try to draw a line at anything too sticky. Remember the molasses monster, that guy is terrifying. And whoever said they’ll cover your body in syrup and lick it all off has never done it before. By the time your partner is done, you’ll be asleep, and they’ll be in a diabetic coma. SO not Fergalicious.
Survival of the (Un)fittest Which VCU Dining Spots Need the Boot? VCU staff wrote this Zoca is being replaced by Taco Bell. What other restaurants need the boot? It’s about that time. Recently VCU announced that Zoca, or Chipotle for broke fools, will finally be replaced with Taco Bell. For the first time ever, VCU men will be able to experience the joys of childbirth for just one meal swipe. This change has been a long time coming. The Rams will finally be able to enjoy the greasiest, most delicious faux-Mexican food around. The Bell might not be authentic, but it does have mass appeal on its side. Make no mistake, there are other places around campus that have overstayed their welcome. We were all once dewy-eyed over our options. We thought eating this stuff would never get old. But now we’re living in a nightmare. So while we’re on the subject of VCU dining… what other restaurants need a Taylor Swift kick out the door? Raising Cane’s has been polluting Richmond for too long. With chicken as dry as Cabernet Sauvignon (classy joke!) and greasy portions you can figure out where your freshman fifteen or sophomore/senior thirty-eight came from. The toast, the fries, the sugar water with a hint of lemon, it all culminates when you find out your friends are staging an intervention. Looks like your Caniac-aday diet just isn’t working out (and neither are you for that matter). And yet lots of students line up without fail outside of Cane’s every day at 5 p.m. on the dot to get their fix of the chix stix. But is it really worth the swipe (or six)? Not really. (Ed. Note: Lies and slander, Cane’s is fried heaven.) And what about Pizza Butt? Disagree all you want, but be honest: the pizza looks like Lisa Lampanelli on her period -- sad, greasy, and covered in moz-
zarella. We know that like needy orphans, those personal pan pizzas sit on the rack for hours, just waiting for someone desperate enough to take one. College students are okay with any food that fills them up and has cheese on it. We’re used to sacrificing quality for quantity. So it really says a lot when even a poor college student turns down your food. The obvious solution is Sbarro. Now that would be an upgrade. And since they filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy in 2011, they can relate to the average penniless student. Last but certainly not least: Shafer. We all know the beefy nucleus of VCU’s dining universe isn’t going anywhere, but we can dare to dream a little dream. Imagine a building full of America’s most beloved fast food restaurants. Wouldn’t a Panera Bread Bowl Bar make you unbearably aroused? How about some Buz and Ned’s that tastes so good, it makes you wanna slap yo momma? Instead we have to settle for food comparable to prison meals, or Arby’s. And don’t even think about eating there on a Sunday. Well, you can think about it, just don’t do it. Meanwhile there’s not a McDonalds within a reasonable walking distance. It’s time for VCU to sort out its priorities. Maybe have Chef Gordon Ramsay come to the kitchen to throw a few f-bombs around. However, there have also been rumors that Burger King will be joining the team! We VCU students can finally have it our way. Next semester is looking exponentially better on the food front than this current one, which sucks a lot for anyone transferring or graduating in May. Things are just getting good around here and they won’t be around to see it, like Pope Benedict XVI. But for those of us who will be back in the fall, this is great news. The only downside will be choosing between exercise and extra fries. Tough call.
9.) Solitaire: There’s no shame in playing a couple hands by yourself. We’re just hoping this isn’t a recurring theme in your life. Until you can put your deck in a proper box, shuffle a few jacks. Now clean up like a murder scene (blacklights pick up EVERYTHING) and go play another round before you pull out the Ben and Jerry’s and watch Seinfeld reruns. Hey, “The Contest” episode is on! 8.) Bop-it: One partner barks loud commands “TWIST IT. PULL IT. FLICK IT.” while the other does their best to obey as quickly as possible. Don’t take too long to do something, or you’ll hear “AAAAAOOooww!” You will then have to finish playing by yourself. Just like always. 7.) Sorry!: Your object is to get all your “players” to the main circle. Four times around may be tough, but pop a 5-hour Energy and change positions often. You might have to say Sorry! if you knock over some furniture trying to reach your main objective. 6.) Monopoly: You like playing a long game full of fun trades. However it starts to get a little expensive when your partner collects $200 every time they leave. Keep your playing on the down-low though, or, you’re gonna need a “Get Out of Jail Free” card. 5.) Life: Watch out for the partners trying to tie you down. They might look a package deal with a big kid job and steady paycheck but they secretly want the birth control to fail. That or they’re poking needles through your Trojans. Or they pull the leg-lock move on you. You don’t want a Porsche full of pink and blue pegs, do you? 4.) Guess Who?: When the sun begins to rise and the night was extremely hazy you look to your left to see… who? As it starts to get brighter your mind starts to piece it together. Blonde pubes. Wide hips. Bleached anus. Ray Ban glasses. Webbed feet. Adam’s apple. Now you remember! 3.) Twister: Right hand, left cheek. Left foot, ceiling. Remember to stretch for 30 min, and review the Kama Sutra handbook. Make sure neither the left or right ball lands on blue. Oh, and clean the mat off before your little sister and her friends decide they want to play with it after school. 2.) Operation: Not as kinky as you’re thinking. The only difference from the actual game is if your buzzer doesn’t go off from getting a Wish Bone in your Bread Basket, you’re doing it wrong. Leave no opening unoccupied. 1.) Clue: Room? Kitchen. Weapon? A slippery Magnum and no note saying “call me.” The culprit? Maybe it was the hottie you shared a cab with… or your creepy neighbor with the pet Build-A-Bear. Or the guy at the bar who overheard you tell your girls he could GIT it? Gather the evidence and start making accusations. Maybe then you can find out who daggered you in the kitchen with a lead pipe.
Casey Burnett wrote this
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
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MONDAY! Open Mic Night 1/2 off Burgers ‘n’ Fries
THURSDAY: RVA Pong! Cash prizes! Signups at 9pm
Tuesday - Saturday: 5 for $5 Appetizers until Close Happy Hour: 4:30pm-7pm Mention The Black Sheep and receive 10% off!
THUR. 4/25
The Trongone Band 10pm, NO COVER! 1/2 Price Apps 4-6pm XBox 360 Rockband 9pm
$1.00 off ANY Panini OPEN MIC NIGHT! 8:00 PM - 10:00 PM
Blue Lotus Collective: Solace Sovay, The Badrats, Anthony Harrison $2 tacos (beef, chicken, vegetarian friendly)
Low Tide (4-8): $2 Off Select Apps RVA Pong! Cash prizes! Signups at 9pm
5 for $5 Appetizers until Close Happy Hour: 4:30pm-7pm
FRI. 4/26
E-String Al Acoustic 4-6pm, NO COVER! King Solomons Marbles, 10pm, $7 1/2 price Apps 4-6pm
20% off ANY Signature Latte
Doc Branch & The Keynotes Fish ‘n’ Chips w/ cole slaw
Low Tide (4-8): $2 Off Select Apps Live Music & DJs Every Weekend! NO COVER!
5 for $5 Appetizers until Close Happy Hour: 4:30pm-7pm
SAT. 4/27
Open-Jam w/ Dave Shiflett, 2-5pm, Free! Cashmere Junglelords, 10pm, $5
Student Discount: 10% off anything (MUST SHOW ID) Live Jazz Every Other Saturday Night
The Downtown Connection 1/2 off Paella!
Live Music & DJs Every Weekend! NO COVER!
5 for $5 Appetizers until Close Happy Hour: 4:30pm-7pm
SUN. 4/28
Tripp & Jenny, Old-Time Jam Session, 2-5pm, Free! Karaoke 9:30 pm
VCU Student Discount: 10% off EVERYDAY! (**MUST SHOW ID**)
Acoustic Night w/ Andres Santamaria
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ChampJam! feat. members of Former Champions plus different guests every week, 10pm, Free! 1/2 price apps 4-6pm
Buy ANY sandwich and get a FREE Small Latte!
Salsa Night! 1/2 off regular sized tapas
Low Tide (4-8) $2 Off Select Apps Burger Special Buy One, Get One free Te-quil-ya Tuesdays
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Comedy Night w/ April Dowdy 3 course meal with bottle of wine $40
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WED. 5/1
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Harry Potter and the Order of the Rams Nathan Heintschel wrote this We all learned at the end of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows that Harry had vanquished the dark lord, and the good triumphed over the bad. We’ve seen this played out over and over again as HBO continues to play part 2 instead of premiering something new. Harry missed out on his final year of schooling, and has been blocked from graduation until he finishes his work at Hogwarts. However, we also learned that after everything was said and done, that Hogwarts was more messed up than the hotel room in The Hangover combined with Minas Tirith in Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. Hermione was quick to transfer to Brown University, and we all knew Ron wouldn’t amount to much, and right on cue he bought an ice cream truck. After a night of too many butter beers in Hogsmeade and subsequent DUI on his Firebolt, Harry decided to stop resting on the laurels that comes from riding your fifteen minutes of fame into an hour-long downward spiral. This is the report on Harry’s short tenure at VCU as he tried to avoid falling out of the public eye like the “Chocolate Rain” guy or having a very public meltdown in the style of Charlie Sheen or Justin Bieber. Harry, like most transfer students, had a difficult time registering for his classes, as he quickly found out that his credits were not going to transfer properly. After pleading with advisors and a sizeable “donation,” Harry was able to get history credits for history of magic, chemistry credits for potions, biology credits for care of magical creatures, criminal justice credits for defense against the dark arts, and even foreign language credits after he cursed out the advisor in Parseltongue. Unfortunately for Harry, all the gold in Gringotts couldn’t help him escape those damned focus inquiry classes. Harry, while in his first focus inquiry class, made friends with a couple of the kids who longboard and don’t give a shit. After they clicked into
class for attendance purposes, they proceeded to “dip out.” However, Harry quickly grew frustrated trying to longboard on Richmond’s jacked-up pavement and transitioned to stuntin’ around campus on his broom. People soon began to complain that Harry was a less than courteous broom rider, as he flew around with his headphones not paying attention to anyone, cutting people off, and almost running into pedestrians. Harry, when he found out VCU had a quidditch team, was quoted in saying that it was, “bloody brilliant.” Ecstatic, Harry quickly flew over to Monroe Park to get in on the games. His excitement quickly turned to confusion as he saw people running around the park holding brooms between their legs. He quickly turned around and flew away, causing a three-car accident as he neglected to check before crossing the street. It turns out Harry also had a bit of an ego, and he had an issue with being the second most popular person on campus behind Shaka Smart. Harry even bumped into Shaka in the middle of the Compass; they both fell dramatically to the ground, and everyone rushed to help up Shaka, while Harry had to pick himself up. Harry then hallucinated and associated Shaka’s signature shaved head with Voldemort’s similarly shiny noggin. Much to the delight of VCU’s national championship hopes, Briante Weber was able to steal the wand out of Harry’s hand, before Harry could curse Shaka. Harry tried to blame the incident on his scar hurting, but this excuse didn’t fly with the student body. The students quickly mobilized against Mr. Potter, and the faculty of VCU decided to expel Harry. Citing a clause that dead people can’t be students, they provided video evidence of Harry being killed by Voldemort, which effectively terminated his academic membership.
Ultimately, Harry Potter’s tenure at VCU was a failure. While he provided a nice revenue boost to the school, he failed to adjust to the VCU lifestyle and just had to go. He is now currently occupied with having awkward make out sessions with his best friend’s sister. He plans on giving their future children really cheesy names that will cause future readers of his exploits to question an entire book series based on one shitty epilogue. Here’s to hoping Katniss decides to come to VCU next. SUP GURL!
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The Black Sheep's guide to
Summer 2013 Fashion As spring turns to summer The Black Sheep does its best to bring you, dear reader, our most important thoughts on the season’s top fashions. Straight from the Paris runway to the hallowed pages of this tome, it’s time to get excited about fashion all over again. All photos courtesy of GoRunway @ Glamour « Written by Brendan and Quinn
Brendan: The perfect outfit for the modern woman who wants to take part in a bukkake session, but doesn’t want the overwhelming sense of shame that comes with people knowing what she did. The sheer, ringed pants show just enough skin to keep the gaggle of men she’s servicing interested, and the top is ugly enough to keep the audience’s focus on the important part of this lovemaking session.
Brendan: If I saw a woman walking down the street wearing this, I’d assume she’s a midget vampire lumberjack with body image issues, forced to share clothing with her gargantuan older brother. I will say the leopard-print bag goes well with the rest of her outfit, because when hunting for exotic furs it’s important to do so in silver heels and clothing that, while sleeveless, looks impractically hot and wildly unwieldy.
Get graphic
Quinn: Contrary to what out-of-the-loop miscreants who wish midget vampire lumberjacks exist will say, this outfit is the perfect amalgamation of the hottest trends on the market. Unnecessarily deep v-neck? Check. Plaid? Check. Sort of tank top? Check. Pants-optional? Check and mate. Not only that, but you get the throwback to the staple outfit of the eighth grade stoner: the baja. This outfit takes everything good in fashion today and mashes them together into one beautiful nightmare.
Brendan: This fashion-forward fuschia and red ensemble is opposite a grim post-apocalypse on the “future hellscapes in which I do not want to exist” pendulum. Instead of the bare remnants of humanity sporting tattered rags and hanging onto existence by mere threads, this outfit suggests peacocked bright colors with resulting spontaneous vomiting like, everywhere. Quinn: How are we this far into a fashion column and I have yet to see even the slightest impression of a boob? This isn’t fashion, this is backwards... opposite fashion. First of all, she should give the crappy, Targetbrand super hero goggles back to the poor child she stole them from. She should then give someone a bear hug, because the slightest increase in pressure will have her weird, snake-like body thrust out of this outfit like squeezing a Van Holten’s Pickle-In-A-Pouch.
Sheen queen
Quinn: This is from a scene in Zoolander 2, yes? Obviously this woman dug an old lampshade, sexy window shades, and ninja turtle wristbands out of the garbage then threw them on and said “this is something humans wear.” No, it’s not. Take a moment to seriously imagine this person walking into Starbucks. Would you think “This woman must be insanely rich and out of touch with everything,” or “It’s nice that woman overcame her agoraphobia, but it’s too bad she has to wear the decorations from her antiquated apartment?”
Brendan: This is what happens when you let your cataracted grandma make you an outfit out of old tablecloths she stole from a garage sale. And just when you thought she’d given up commenting on your fallow chest, she goes and makes the bust big enough to smuggle a couple pounds of weed through customs. Hey, granny needs her medicine.
pencils at the ready
Quinn: This outfit might actually work for your 250 pound aunt who lives in Ohio and eats four deviled eggs every morning... besides the semi-transparent crotch area. But this looks like a thirty-three-year-old man living in his parent’s basement got walked in on while having sex with his eBay-bought Russian sex doll, and had to throw the nearest tapestry over her to cover his shame.
Fierce and Flourescent
Brendan: Congratulations on playing the evil chocolate baroness intent on ravaging the Candy Cane Forest so it can be harvested for sugar deposits to feed your company’s insatiable lust for money in this summer’s surefire blockbuster, Sweet Revenge. Quinn: There’s a lot of leather going on here, which I like. And they’re employing the classic fashion equation: leather + zippers = sex appeal. Being a big fan of sleeve-zippers, sewn-on flowers, and leather sports bras, I give this outfit three thumbs up. The third thumb is my erection.
Bomber Redux Brendan: Imagine wearing this out, then having to take it off in order to have sex. “Okay, so I zip this halfway down, then pull this other thing over my head, then this undershirt has clasps in the back and – hey Mitch, if you want to get laid then you’ll help me with this – and okay, this skirt doesn’t actually have a zipper so I’ll need some scissors. These boots, I mean can I just leave them on during sex? Yes, I know you just got these sheets and these boots are pretty dirty but... okay, fine. Can we just fuck on the ground or something?” Quinn: I’ve seen this movie. It’s the porn that takes place in a futuristic hospital, where all the patients have severe swelling and the nurses know “exactly how to take care of them.” And since they live in a future world where sex is banned, the only way to relieve their swelling is by going to these white, sterile hospitals where emotionless nurses hand out tugjobs in the waiting room. Sometimes they run into a severe case and have to unzip their bleach-white scrubs to show some cleav. Yeah, it’s a good one... be right back.
Quinn: FINALLY a fashion trend that I get. This is a perfect get-up for school, work, play, a day at the beach, a day on the couch, or your first date. You’ve got the collared shirt that says “Look I’m trying here,” and the ironic sweatshirt that says “Not too fast, I can still have fun!” Untuck the collared shirt because you don’t want to seem too uptight, throw on some throwback dance recital pants from sixth grade to show your youthful indiscretion, and finally, put on two different socks, because who has time to find clean matching socks these days! This outfit says “I’ve got a lot of weed to smoke and documentaries to watch today, so I can’t be bothered with having to put in the mental labor of picking out clean clothes.” Perfect.
90s Nostalgia
Brendan: This summer it’s finally cool to dress like the lonely 40-year-old unemployed stoner who meanders down the beach offering to buy underage kids beer if they’ll just hang out with him for “like, a minute, man.” This, of course, is a huge relief to said stoner, as he can’t really afford to buy any new clothes, and with these hip trends, narcs will have a harder time “like, abusing [his] civil rights” on the beach, when they arrest him for smoking pot on public property.
White out
Brendan: Whatever a chameleon is, this outfit is the opposite of it. Loud, garish, an affront to basic taste, any person walking down the street wearing something like this deserves to be eaten by whatever large bird or snake decides to dine on this very loud attention whore.
Sexy 60s
Brendan: After a rough break-up with Zed, her boyfriend of three years, Jacqueline decided a night out with the girls was in order. Thing is, she hadn’t felt sexy since Zed noted one of her nostrils was slightly larger than the other, so she tossed on whatever baggy clothes she had laying around and a sequined dress that she was sure no man would love. As she walked to meet her friends at the ironic gay bar, “Exit Only,” she entered what she thought was the front door. Instead, she stumbled into the staging area of a fashion show and onto the catwalk to the raucous applause of all in attendance. She committed suicide later that night.
Quinn: I like that they’ve re-imagined the fireballs from Super Mario Bros. onto the pants and blouse. I also like that the pants look like they have the word “poop” scattered throughout; judging by the happy-go-lucky demeanor of this model, it looks like she would never fail to pull a “I’ve got poop on my pants!” joke. This outfit is hilarious, and perfect for your funny friend in the group who always gets too drunk and poops her pants at the bar.
Bermuda Triangle
Quinn: If you know as much about fashion as we do, you know that the more colors, patterns, and fabrics you can cram onto a single piece of clothing, the higher the fashion. Poor people who know nothing wear solid colors and single layers. Rich people who live ahead of the curve wear layers upon layers of every pattern under the sun. The more fashion trends you cover in a single outfit, the more cultured you are. On this outfit I count five different patterns, not including her underwear which is surely polka-dotted or see-through. This outfit screams culture, and you’d be a fool to not wear it everywhere all the time.
Brendan: No! Save me! I’ve been wrongly convicted of wearing white pants after Labor Day! In fashion prison they make us wear playfully large buttons and vertical stripes because even here we have to look oh-so chic lest we do time in solitary confinement, a room with purple and green walls-those colors don’t even match! THEY DON’T EVEN MATCH! Quinn: What are fashion shows supposed to do? Show what fashion will be like in 250 years in an alternate universe? “This is what the Gorgons will have all the candy-making slaves wear. It is designed by the great leader Mork’s third birthing pod, and calls back to the 18th centuron when birthing pods worked less and birthed more. The times were simpler then, and the stripes remind the candy slaves of their status in society.”
candy stripers
The Black Sheep's guide to summer 2013 fashion
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bartender of the week Mike M. Off the Hookah What’s your Karaoke song: “Get Your Roll On” by the Big Tymers
Age: 26 How long have you been bartending: 5 years Favorite drink recipe: SoCo and diet Favorite shot: Grand Marnier Have you invented any recipes yourself? Blue Steel Martini (It’s a secret recipe!) “I dare you” recipe: Bob Marley: half a shot of sambuca + half a shot of Grand Marnier, light on fire, after you take the shot you inhale the fumes. Least favorite drink to make: Lemondrops for “men”; if you are a male and order a lemondrop you should probably just take whatever dignity you have left and go home.
the drinking game:
Life motto: “An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.” Favorite phrase: “Counting cards isn’t illegal, it’s frowned upon.” Interesting hobbies: DJing and sports.
Most annoying pick-up line that’s been used on you: “Don’t I know you from somewhere?” Most ridiculous thing you’ve seen on the job: Watched somebody puke into their own pint glass, then take a sip of it 2 minutes later. Ever hooked up with a co-worker: Of course not.
What’s your guilty pleasure: Gambling.
What’s your biggest pet peeve while behind the bar: Unfortunate looking girls.
Ever met anyone famous: Michael Phelps while he was playing Blackjack in Atlantic City.
What’s the best way to get your attention on a crowded night: Be polite.
If you could hook up with a celebrity who would it be: Alessandra Ambrosio.
Craziest thing you’ve seen someone do for a free drink: I don’t ever give free drinks to people who ask, they annoy the fuck out of me.
recipe for disaster:
Target Practice
Roasted meat’n’cheese
When Mother Nature gets off her rag and the weather is consistently nice, take some booze to a nice green patch with your buddies and play some Target Practice. Nothing is better than knocking the most annoying people on their asses with a dodge ball while having a few stiff drinks.
Nothing says “manly” like a dish made of purely meat and cheese. Veggies are for pussies. So if you feel like stuffing your face, here’s a great way to do it with all the glory and splendor fit for a fat Italian don, capiche?
What You’ll Need: Your favorite kind of hard booze, a water bottle, and dodge balls. Number of Players: At least two throwers and one ball bitch. Level of Intoxication: Frat star status. How To Play: - Bring a water bottle full of booze and some dodge balls to the play areabetween classes. Don’t get caught though. - Designate a ball bitch so time is not wasted running after your own balls. - The goal is to hit the different targets you see passing by. Each player must drink when a target is hit. -When hitting a target, one must pretend that it was, “Like, totally accidental, dude.” - Add up your points for the targets as follows to see who wins at the end. - 10 points for any kid running to class or trying to catch a bus. - 5 points for any couple making out. - 15 points for a professor. - 5 points for a sorostitute or frat star wearing their letters. - 10 points for a dog. - 10 points for anyone handing out flyers. - 15 points for the Bible thumpers. - 5 points for a scholarship athlete. The Game Ends When: One player gets to one hundred points. Loser buys the first round at happy hour.
download our app for all of our drinking games!
What You’ll Need: One box of your favorite type of pasta, 1.5 cups milk, 3 tablespoons flour, a bag or two of your favorite shredded cheese, 2 tablespoons breadcrumbs, 1/4 cup olive oil, a couple packages of sausage/pepperoni/some type of yummy meat, garlic powder and red pepper flakes. Cook Time: 30 minutes. Fatty Factor: The cheesy goodness will help you forget about the extra baggage ‘round the ole’ waist. Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat your oven to 500 degrees. - Fill a pot with water, toss it on the stove, and bring that baby to a boil. - In a skillet, heat up the oil, garlic, red pepper and meat. - Whisk in the flour into the skillet and slowly add in the milk until the mixture becomes thick. - By now, the water is boiling. Dump in your box of pasta and cook until al dente. - Remove the skillet from heat, mix in your bags of cheese until you have a delicious sauce. - Pour the cheesy sauce mixture and strained pasta into a large casserole dish. - Sprinkle breadcrumbs on top and put the dish in the oven for 3-4 minutes until golden brown. Now pair this with some garlic bread and go H.A.M.! That reminds us, add some ham.
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idiot Who Always Wears T-Shirt and Shorts is Finally in Season tbs staff wrote this Jimmy Dougan—the dude who always wears a t-shirt and a pair of shorts no matter what the temperature—is finally in season.
just blocked them out. All the girls thought I was tough, and I don’t want to prove the pussy wrong by cracking.”
Approaching the end of April, temperatures have begun to reach the 70s and look to keep increasing. One student, who Dougan claims is a “little girl” for purchasing a new coat at the end of last fall, said that Dougan has been spotted sighing in relief now that he won’t freeze his balls off trying to prove a point.
However, Dougan said he doesn’t do it for the women, who he said are “always hanging around him” whether he’s at a party or walking down the street. When girls ask if he’s cold, Dougan says, “Are you kidding me? I’m just never cold. Seriously. It’s just the way I am, you know?” And then proceeds to ask the females if their hands are cold, reversing the age-old “first move” that females are known to play.
The 2012-2013 winter marked the third consecutive year that Dougan has worn a t-shirt and a pair of shorts every day, stating that he doesn’t walk around with crystallized nipples and the world’s smallest ball sack in order to appear “cool” or “strong-willed” but that he just isn’t that cold. “I’m just that kind of guy,” Dougan said. “I’m like, never cold, it’s weird.” Dougan said he can’t begin to count the number of times he has turned down his friends’ offer of pants or a jacket. “I’m not some pussy, hahahaha,” Dougan bragged as his completely comfortable and content friend offered him one of his scarves while they were walking to class. Dougan politely declined and rubbed his hands together “just for fun.” This past winter, the freshman in the college of business had some close calls with Mother Nature, including the time he missed the bus and had to walk back to his frat in freezing temperatures. “My friends kept saying, ‘Dude, you should have worn a coat! You should have worn a coat!’” Dougan said as his own snot froze to his face, “but I
In the summertime, his friends said that Dougan is also known as that guy who never has a shirt on. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen him with a shirt on when it’s over 50 degrees,” a close friend said. “He always seems to have an endless supply of backwards baseball hats and sunglasses too, like a walking Abercrombie ad. It’s crazy.” Dougan said that his personal philosophy is that “You only live once,” a fad that Dougan claims he began after performing a spectacular two-handed jam on his frat’s seven-foot tall basketball rim. “I was about to do this sick dunk off of this trampoline on the driveway,” Dougan proudly recalled. “My friends were all like ‘Bro, you can’t do it man. It’s too dangerous!’ And I just turned to them and was like, ‘Yeah, well, you just watch’ and just dunked that shit, you know?” Witnesses of this event confirmed that it was indeed pretty “tight.” Dougan said that events as monumental as this are just an “everyday thing” in his “crazy” life. The self-proclaimed daredevil has pulled many pranks in his time, such as that one really funny time last sum-
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mer when he flipped off a cop who wasn’t looking at him and the other crazy time when he was at Wendy’s and received a large Coke instead of a medium but didn’t say anything about it to the cashier. “That’s just how I live,” Dougan casually shrugged-off. “Life on the edge, bro. It’s what I’m all about.” While Dougan’s legs defrost from a winter full of hushed, internal regrets and muttered complaints about it being cold outside, the freshman is already looking ahead to next winter when he can return to wearing summer attire all year round, successfully sticking it to the “pussies” and the “nerds” on campus one more time. “It’s like, no big deal.” Dougan admitted. “I’m just not cold. I’m just that kind of guy.”
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The seek n find: ultimate frisbee
crossword: ad people Across 2) Creepy ass dude who was kind of funny, mostly creepy, for this burger joint. 5) Duke always wants to tell the owner’s secret recipe. 7) He doesn’t always drink beer, but when he does... 8) Brightly colored chicks dancing around about this soda 10) Yo quiero this, especially at 2 a.m. 11) AFLAC insurance mascot. 12) This super cool dude made cig’s look super cool. 16) This cheetah is Cheetos. 20) He keeps going and going and going for this company. 21) Cocoa and Fruity
Pebbles enlisted the help of this entire cartoon. 22) Hip-hop hamsters still don’t this car company cool. 23) He’s grrreat! 24) I like chicken, I like liver... Down 1) Classiest legume in a top hat and cane. 3) Colonel Sanders is both founder and mascot. 4) This cute amphibian made this insurance company known. 5) Burping frogs were the face of this beer company for awhile. 6) Coors Light used this type of siblings. 9) Acted by Dean Winters, Allstate will save you from this. 13) Your cute black Grandma, also vaguely racist. 14) Creepy clown for a huge fast food restaurant. 15) Can you hear me now? 17) Fabulous! 18) Dude, you had this circa early 2000s. 19) The Man Your Man Could Smell Like.
Meet The Staff campus manager Hayley Evans
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pr/Marketing team Lorenzo Simpson, Rebecca Britt Jasmine Kent, Deanna Celmer Kenneth Jordan, Morgan Carey Kelsey Grupp, Meredith Frick
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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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