VCU - Issue 1 - 8/22/2013 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

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Vol. 5, Issue 1

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

8/22/13 - 8/29/13

Don’t Go Solo, Bud!

Join A SOVO Club! BY: The Lorenzo formerly known as Artist You’re new to college. Having trouble making friends? Don’t stay in your dorm staring at your Marilyn Manson poster, hoping he jumps out of it and chokes you to death and/or climax. Instead, head on over to the Siegel Center and have some fun at the annual SOVO Fair! For three hours the basketball court is bum-rushed by booths for countless clubs, food vendors, and unaffordable cable services just waiting for you to surrender all of your free time over to them. Dragging your ass down the street to this event could liven up your whole semester. You might make some new friends. Hell, you might even run into an old enemy from high school. A good, emotionally-scarring rivalry really keeps the blood flowing smoothly. Walk In, Turn Up: As soon as you waltz in, you’re handed a bag filled with swag, such as a tricked-out clicker pen, a yearly planner you can play ratchet frisbee with, and a vile of Shaka Smart’s sweat to wear around your neck. Like an overcompensating steroid user, there are tons of things you can stuff in your sack, so make sure you explore the entire place. You know you’ve struck college student gold when you bag three free t-shirts in the same day! Also, every orientation event gives away raffle tickets, with the winning numbers announced at SOVO. You could win paid tuition, flat screen TVs, a night with Joan Rivers, who knows!? Oh, and make sure you holla at as many hotties as possible; they might be holding a winning ticket. Play your cards right, and you could be banging his brains out in your dorm while Breaking Bad plays in HD on your new 50 inch. Now, we don’t know what you’ll win. But what we do know is, you can’t win if you don’t play, and there’s so much to win! P.S. We heard Joan Rivers opened a bank vault lock with just the tip of her tongue. Don’t sleep. Once you’ve bagged a potential winner, head to the floor and check out the club booths. Freak Flags Sold Here: As soon as you step on the floor level, you’ll have to elbow your way through the crowds to get a good look at all of the clubs. But it’s worth it. You know that embarrassing hobby you picked up during high school that everyone clowned you for? Anime cosplay? Getting dick jokes published (that’s us!)? Genital piercings? In college, no one cares what you do, so long as you own that shit. Plus, there are at least five people who are into the same thing! And another ten who won’t admit it, but will definitely come out of the pro-nerdial closet if they know they aren’t alone. So find your niche, sign up and be weird and obscure together. Or if you don’t find a club you’re into, form your own group. You know the rule: it’s not strange if more than two people are doing it together. Except during a newlywed honeymoon. That’s very strange. If obscure clubs aren’t your can of Four Loko, you can always opt

for something with a little more conformity. Something with Greek letters. Something... evil... It’s All Greek to... Well, Somebody: Only the dedicated few are permitted to join a fraternity/sorority. Well, the dedicated few that are willing to submit to weird, strangely erotic, rectum destroying “hazing rituals” that will seal blood ties with you and thousands of strangers across the country. Once you’ve joined, your brothers/ sisters will know you better than you know yourself, mainly because they’ve been elbow deep in your anal cavity (they call it Tree Trunking, and it’s really quite nice). Yep, there’s absolutely no need for a high fiber diet once you join the Greek life. Nah, we kid. If you’re really into the idea of being a part of a large group of people who consider each other brothas from otha mothas/sisters from different misters, then by all means, do it. Just make sure you’re 100% with the decision. Cuz once you’re in, the only way out is in a box... full of resignation forms. And Preparation H. So if you’re a teenage, clueless, sheltered turtle and you need to come out of your shell, venture out of your spank dungeon/dorm room and head on down to the SOVO Fair! If you don’t find a club you love, you’ll at least find something that piques your interest and/or deeply seated sexual fantasies. Like Joan Rivers’ steel-trapped tongue. Seriously, don’t sleep on that.

page 5

page 4

page 6

I survived love & liquor

How to escape taco hell!

The top 10

Testimonies from the unlucky souls who had to sit in the front row.

That fancy new Cantina bowl is fooling no one.

Summer Movie’s that exemplify vcu’s Havoc

• Keep Up With Us! • @BlackSheep_VCU • theblacksheeponline.com •

>> Table of Contents << page 6: Skip spit for science!

>> Split for science! Afterall, science is important.

page 7: On the Streets

>> What late night food did you miss most over the summer?

page 9: The Inevitable “how was your summer?” conversation

>> We look at four people you will unfortunately run into when you get back to school.

page 10: Should I Go on Reddit?

>> Follow our flowchart to potential procrastination.

page 11: The Black Sheep’s Guide to drinking wine like a boss

>> We talk fancy with two wine experts.

page 12: Bartender of the week

>> Katy from Tarrant’s Cafe will not take her shirt off for $200.

page 14: The Vice is right

>> Do you know the prices of your favorite vices?

looking for an internship? Marketing, Ad Sales, Writing, and more! Get experience doing something you love!

Apply online today! theblacksheeponline.com

Tweet Us @BlackSheep_VCU

#goodtimes

Hey baby, what did the person with the XY chromosome say to the person with the XX chromosome?

Can I please smell your genes?

Seriously?

DON’T MESS AROUND WITH

#BADTIMESMAN

Tweet us your creepiest, most hilarious, most perverted, most raunchy (or all of the above) pick-up lines to @BlackSheep_VCU #BadTimesMan If yours proves to be the weirdest, you’ll win a prize and be featured in next week’s issue!

Tweet Us @BlackSheep_VCU

Leeweight

Word

The vague weight a college student cites as their actual weight, knowing the number to be inaccurate.

of the

“When Eric told Melissa he weighed 170 pounds, hoping he could keep his shirt on during sex, he was giving her his shameful, shameful leeweight.”

Week Guess The Mascot Tweet Us @BlackSheep_VCU First right answer wins a prize! Check Back Next Week For The Answer!

The Black Sheep

Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @BlackSheep_VCU and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!

Gay San Francisco government icon’s sweet bedtime snack. Check back next week for the answer!

read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com

I survived

Love & Liquor By: The Lorenzo formerly known as Artist

In VCU tradition, freshmen are required to attend a seminar called Love & Liquor, in which they are given the same sex/alcohol/drugs talk they had in middle school, this time accompanied with pictures blistering, frothing with STDs. These horrid, herptastic photos are put up on two 50-foot screens for all to see. The groin gore of the pictures is enough to send people scrambling out of the room, cupping their privates for fear of them melting off with a mere sneeze. For the ones who arrive early, they get to sit in the back, tweeting about where they’d much rather be. Others are not so lucky. These are testimonies from three of the people who came late, and had the displeasure of sitting in the front row. Names have not been changed to protect the victims, because this is all fake. Reader discretion is advised. I was helping my RA put tinfoil on her Prius to deflect UV rays, so I got to Love & Liquor a little late. All my friends were at a Riff Raff Concert, so I couldn’t text anyone to save me a seat. I walked in right as the speaker lady was talking about...*gulp*...“ The Rash Spectrum.” I tried darting to the back corner, but she looked right at me and said, “Hello, dear! Your tampon’s showing through your skirt, I can tell you need this. By the way, your camel toe needs a pedicure.” Everyone thought that was so damn funny. I shuffled forward and sat down, fighting back tears. I didn’t think it could get any worse. Then, the screen flashed red, and I saw it. The rubbery flesh... the spots... the dreaded blue waffle! It looked like cafeteria pizza left out in the sun. She wouldn’t stop screaming, “This will happen to you! Raw dog with men, your parts will fry!” My skin crawled. My left eye rolled back into my skull. I entered the seminar a virgin, but Love & Liquor took my innocence, without a cuddle and never apologizing. - Nancy, Age 18 I had just eaten a Doritos Locos Taco I jacked from my roommate when I remembered I had to be at this Love & Liquor thing. I was about to run over to the place when my stomach did a triple axle. I knew I had to hit the can, but I was already 10 minutes late. I sprinted to the place and grabbed the first open seat I saw, right behind the projector in the front row. My insides were at critical gas. I was expecting just some prevention slides, a condom banana, and some free wristbands. But then I saw the giant, 50-foot penile infections, one bloody picture after another. All focus shifted from my bowels to screaming in horror; I lost control of everything. Giant frothy boners looked down upon me as faux-taco meat ran down my legs and spewed out my mouth. To this day, I’m known around campus as Old Faithful. Thanks a shit ton, Love & Liquor. - Carson, Age 17 Our third victim was so disturbed, she couldn’t speak in proper sentences. Luckily, someone invented Twitter for people like her: HumptySpacePrincess @ILenewititrocwitit - 8/22/13 Holy fucc in front row of Love & Liquor gonorrhea d**k pics NASTYYY didnt sign up fo dis im pausing my p***y #bluewafflelives #saynotobumpyd**k Needless to say, these poor souls have been scarred for life. And these were just the people who were willing to talk to us — the ones who didn’t transfer to ODU. So freshmen, be warned. Don’t let the title fool you; there’s no love in that room, and you’ll need lots of liquor after it’s all over.

e p a c s E o t How Taco hell!

er By: Sabrina Full

Unless you’ve been living under a rock this summer you know that Taco Bell is coming to VCU. But do you know exactly what you’re getting yourself into? Frequenting the Bell can be a very slippery, very greasy slope. When you come on campus this semester are you looking to gain the freshman 15 or the freshman 50? Taco Bell is the most authentic Mexican you’ve had since that food project in AP Spanish. This is pretty exciting, sure. But you’ve got to learn how to handle your hunger. You have a 200-swipe appetite but you’re working with a 100-swipe meal plan. Slow down, pal. You’re going to be tempted to go out for a Doritos Locos Tacos run every night in your first week. You’ll also be tempted to treat all your friends to a twelve pack. Don’t do it. Recognize that there’s a thin shell between satisfaction and gluttony — every time you bite into that crunchy taco your teeth graze that delicious border. And let’s not forget about the fact that even an iron stomach can only handle so much TB at once. If you risk that third burrito you risk your reputation for an entire year. Are you ready for that kind of a reputation? You don’t want your year to get off to a bad shart. Don’t let this Cantina stuff fool you. Taco Bell hired this chef to make up a few new recipes with the musty leftovers in back. The lettuce in your “Cantina Bowl” is the same wilted, slightly browned grass you can find wedged in your Gordita Crunch. Don’t use the Cantina Bell Menu as an excuse to hit up Taco Bell after your 20 minutes of treadmill time at Cary Street. That’s just not going to work. “Cantina” roughly translates to “canteen,” meaning cafeteria-style restaurant, so if you think you’re getting a high quality meal for cheap, you might want to take a year off to re-evaluate your life — maybe go to Mexico, where they have authentic Taco Bells on every corner.

There’s no doubt about it, Taco Bell will be the place to eat this semester. Everyone on campus is excited. Everyone except maybe the vegans, and who really cares about them anyway? Let them push their noses up as you chow down on what Taco Bell almost legally defines as “meat.” The point is that you have to know what to do with all of your newfound freedom. There will be no mother to nag you about eating a week-old smothered burrito. You’re going to have to learn to make the right choices in life. Sometimes it starts with not letting a double steak quesadilla become your one and only meal option this semester. Sometimes you really don’t need to go for a fourth, fifth, or sixth meal after midnight. Remember, you want to get laid in your dorm room, not in a hospital bed with your leg chopped off; there’s no soul in this food. Try not to get too hung up on one restaurant this year. College is the time for experimentation after all, and there are plenty of high-quality, authentic, cheap, and not-corporate restaurants around Richmond, especially the ones in the advertisements below. See them? Now go spend money at them.

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Skip Spit for Science! Split For Science!

The

Top

Ten

Summer Movies that Exemplify VCU’s HAVOC By: Nathan Heintschel

Summer movies are vital in any good American’s summer routine, like HAVOC defense in VCU basketball. And since we don’t have a football team to be caring about in the fall, let’s keep our mind on basketball, with the top ten summer movies that reminded us of our timeless mantra. 10.) This Is the End: Mass alien abductions, explosions, deadly falling debris, demon possession... Those things are the least of your worries when you’re scheduled to play the Rams. 9.) 2 Guns: Troy Daniels is one of the best sharpshooters in college basketball, so much so that he stunt doubled for Denzel Washington. Pause at 29:34, you can’t miss him. 8.) The Wolverine: Adamantium hard, savage, cutthroat, immortal. HAVOC in a nutshell. 7.) Iron Man 3: Who’s got more swag than Tony Stark? Shaka Smart of course. They both wear fly suits and sport goatees, but Shaka overcame harder obstacles AND he’s named after a Zulu warrior. Tony’s girlfriend had to save HERSELF from the Mandarin (really dude?). Smart: 1, Stark: -20. 6.) Elysium: In Elysium, Matt Damon blows a grenade up in Sharlto Copley’s face, which causes it to cave in and require facial reconstruction surgery. With three defenders in your grill, you’re gonna need a face transplant.

By: The Lorenzo formerly known as Artist Hey, freshmen! Once you’ve gotten all your dorm crap unpacked and pried your sobbing parents off you for the last time, come celebrate your newly found freedom at a brand new club in Richmond! Now, the health department at VCU has a longterm survey to study substance use, called Spit For Science, where they offer froshes twenty bucks to hawk a loogie in a cup… right after you fill out an hour-long survey. Now as overwhelmingly stimulating as that sounds, The Black Sheep knows you want to wreak a little havoc before getting edu-ma-cated. So we pulled some strings, snapped some necks, and hooked you up with the hottest party of the century! (Not the millennium, we know our limits.) After you’ve lied on your questionnaire, walked down the oatmeal-gray hallways of the Franklin Street Gym, and handed your DNA over, look into the far right corner of the room. You will meet a tall, dark stranger; do not fall in love with him. Instead, take an invitation from him and head out. That invite gives you instant access to this kickass shindig. Located in a warehouse that’s haunted by the ghost of a starved hipster who died looking for funding for his indie film, is Richmond’s newest strip club, Split for Science! Open only to freshman participants, this standing-only shit show has everything! Adderall, fireworks, club soda, dementia, and last but not least, strippers! Yes strippers, men and women who are ready to take it all off and drop it like it’s hot for any and all incoming freshmen. Every one of these morally confused dancers are decked out in lab coats and... not much else. These down-and-dirty dancers majored in twerkanomics with a concentration in clapper studies! We got the biggest names in the skin

showing game, like Red Fox: her firecrotch puts Lindsay Lohan to so much shame! Lex Exorcist: her head goes all the way around! Beefcake Jones: his muscles are so big, he can’t dance; he just stands and flexes. And introducing the 457th wonder of the world, Booty Deux: the girl with two butts! And they’re not next to each other. They’re not even side by side. One ass is actually inside the other! What happens when she dances is an event that can only be explained as Twerkception. She is a scientific marvel that truly embodies Split for Science. But that’s not all! There’s an open bar all night for the first 100 students! Thousands of beakers filled with booze- wait you guys are freshmen. Er, fruit punch! No alcohol, but there’s enough high fructose corn syrup in these virgin margaritas to send you into a diabetic coma for two weeks! That way you’ll have an actual excuse for skipping your classes. We got the hottest DJs in Richmond to help you get turnt all the way up! DJ Wub-Wub is gonna be hittin’ the shuffle button on his iPod all night long! Parties like these don’t exist anymore! Make sure you dress to impress; torn jeans are unacceptable if they show kneecap. Oh, and if you touch any of the performers, you’re getting put on Instagram under “Ratchets of Richmond.” Freshmen, get ready for the twerkfest of the semester! Hot women/men, virgin drinks, and a hipster ghost! Finally, you can get more for your spit than a measly 20 bucks, which you’re just gonna spend on cheap hookah anyway. Why not get a full party!? They’re not just doing the splits for crumpled bills. They’re splitting for students. They’re splitting for the school. They’re splitting... for Science.

5.) World War Z: Shaka Smart’s HAVOC has rewritten the book on pressure oriented defenses to the point that the old concepts of man to man defense is unrecognizable, and Brad Pitt’s zombie epic rewrote the story of World War Z to the point that it was unrecognizable to fans of the original story. Not to mention Shaka’s backcourt could definitely cause extreme havoc for any zombie point guards. 4.) Fast and Furious 6: The spirit of Havoc is like the raw intensity of a 500 horsepower engine, much like the one Vin Diesel dry humps in the film. With HAVOC running through your pipes, outrunning a tank is child’s play.

3.) Star Trek Into Darkness: Teamwork is essential to making the Enterprise the best ship in the galactic fleet, just like teamwork is essential to making HAVOC run like the well-oiled space assault frigate that it is. Or, if all the talk of teamwork is too clichéd for you, just picture all the stuff blowing up as a metaphor for what HAVOC is going to do to other teams this year! 2.) Man of Steel: Junior forward Treveon Graham is the quintessential representation of VCU’s own Man of Steel. Instead of snapping the neck of an intergalactic war criminal, we’ll settle for Big Tre snapping a couple scoring records instead. 1.) Pacific Rim: Giant robots beat the living shit out of giant monsters. VCU’s defense beats the living shit out of other offenses. Giant robots drop nukes down a trench in the ocean. VCU guards drop threes down the opponents’ throats.

Around campus Send us your party pics from around campus to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

on the Streets What late night food did you miss most over the summer? Senior Heather C.,

“Chanello’s, definitely. What’s better than having pizza delivered to you at 3 in the morning and it’s cheap and amazing???”

enior Kelsay K., S

“Belmont Pizza’s amazing French fries! You MUST put them on their pizza, it’s sooo good, especially if you’re drunk!”

enior Ayhson S., S

“I missed 3rd Street Diner. They’re open 24 hours and have the best cheese fries, and it’s walking distance from my house.”

BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS WANT MORE Download our Mobile App! DOWNLOAD FOR iPHONE

SPECIAL NIGHT

MONDAY! Open Mic Night 1/2 off Burgers ‘n’ Fries

Incredible Cantonese, giant craft beer list, chic atmosphere and fantastic service!

THURSDAY: RVA Pong! Cash prizes! Signups at 9pm

Happy Hour: Monday – Friday, 4-7pm

Sunday: $1 Tacos

Tuesday - Saturday: 5 for $5 Appetizers until Close Happy Hour: 4:30pm-7pm Mention The Black Sheep and receive 10% off!

thurs. 8/22

Dreadlock Robot $2 tacos (beef, chicken, vegetarian friendly)

Happy Hour! 4:30 – 7:00 Killer Beverage and Food Specials

Low Tide (4-8): $2 Off Select Apps RVA Pong! Cash prizes! Signups at 9pm

Happy Hour: Monday – Friday, 4-7pm

Happy Hour 4pm-7pm, 2 Tacos for $3, 11 Styles to choose from!

5 for $5 Appetizers until Close Happy Hour: 4:30pm-7pm

FRI. 8/23

Doc Branch & The Keynotes Fish ‘n’ Chips w/ cole slaw

Live DJ 9pm - Midnight Happy Hour! 4:30 – 7:00 Killer Beverage and Food Specials

Low Tide (4-8): $2 Off Select Apps Live Music & DJs Every Weekend! NO COVER!

No Cover! Live Music at 9:30pm Happy Hour: Monday – Friday, 4-7pm

Happy Hour 4pm-7pm, 2 Tacos for $3, 11 Styles to choose from!

5 for $5 Appetizers until Close Happy Hour: 4:30pm-7pm

sat. 8/24

Release the Hounds with special guest 1/2 off Paella!

Live DJ 9pm - Midnight Happy Hour! 4:30 – 7:00 Killer Beverage and Food Specials

Live Music & DJ’s Every Saturday Night!

Check Us Out During the Week for Happy Hour: Monday – Friday, 4-7pm

Come in on Sunday for $1 Tacos!

5 for $5 Appetizers until Close Happy Hour: 4:30pm-7pm

sun. 8/25

Radio Rubber Room Presents: Sea of Storms w/ Bandrew

Happy Hour! 4:30 – 7:00 Killer Beverage and Food Specials

Pitcher of Bud Lt., Coors Lt. or Miller Lt. AND a Plate of Jumbo Wings for $11.99 We have Sunday Ticket! Every NFL Game, Every Sunday

Check Us Out During the Week for Happy Hour: Monday – Friday, 4-7pm

$1 Tacos!!!

Brunch Carafe Specials!

mon. 8/26

Open Mic Night 1/2 off Burgers ‘n’ Fries

Happy Hour! 4:30 – 7:00 Killer Beverage and Food Specials

Low Tide 4-8 pm: $2 OFF Select Apps

Happy Hour: Monday – Friday, 4-7pm

Happy Hour 4pm-7pm, 2 Tacos for $3, 11 Styles to choose from!

Closed

tues. 8/27

Salsa Night! 1/2 off regular sized tapas

1/2 Off Growler Night! Happy Hour! 4:30 – 7:00 Killer Beverage and Food Specials

Low Tide (4-8) $2 Off Select Apps Burger Special Buy One, Get One free Te-quil-ya Tuesdays

1/2 Price Burger Night! 4-11pm, Dine-in Only Happy Hour: Monday – Friday, 4-7pm

Happy Hour 4pm-7pm, 2 Tacos for $3, 11 Styles to choose from!

5 for $5 Appetizers until Close Happy Hour: 4:30pm-7pm

WED. 8/28

Comedy Night w/ April Dowdy 3 course meal with bottle of wine $40

Happy Hour! 4:30 – 7:00 Killer Beverage and Food Specials

Low Tide (4-8) $2 Off Select Apps College Night! Show Your ID For Great Specials

Happy Hour: Monday – Friday, 4-7pm

Happy Hour 4pm-7pm, 2 Tacos for $3, 11 Styles to choose from!

5 for $5 Appetizers until Close Happy Hour: 4:30pm-7pm

thurs. 8/29

The Food and Event Grid

DOWNLOAD FOR ANDROID

$2 tacos (beef, chicken, vegetarian friendly)

Happy Hour! 4:30 – 7:00 Killer Beverage and Food Specials

Low Tide (4-8): $2 Off Select Apps RVA Pong! Cash prizes! Signups at 9pm

Happy Hour: Monday – Friday, 4-7pm

Happy Hour 4pm-7pm, 2 Tacos for $3, 11 Styles to choose from!

5 for $5 Appetizers until Close Happy Hour: 4:30pm-7pm

Chinese

Kitchen

and

Bar

The Inevitable “How was your summer?” Conversation By: The Black Sheep Everyone’s least favorite part about coming back to school is the unwritten requirement to ask people (whether you actually talk to them or just recognize their face), “How was your summer?”You just have to. And if you don’t, you’re a dick. Because why wouldn’t you want to know how Katie’s two months in Cabo were? Or how beautiful the view was when Lauren biked over the Brooklyn Bridge on the way to her internship at InStyle? You know it’s coming, and it’s going to be terrible. So to help you out with this year’s forced exchange of summer reminiscence, here are four people you will unfortunately run into when you get back to school and how to deal with them. The “Gym Rat”: To be frank, don’t even bother with this guy because he doesn’t have one interesting story in that steroid-induced monster head of his. He’s gonna tell you how he started dead-lifting 365, how working construction was “the best thing that’s ever happened to him,” and how he sides with A-Rod on the whole HGH scandal. If you get cornered by The Gym Rat, make sure to thank him for the eight-second iPhone videos of him on Facebook pushing around a tire in an abandoned parking lot while his moron of a friend screams “Fuel to the fire, keep it burning!” Then walk away, because he could crush your normal-sized head with just his thumb and pointer finger. Question he’ll ask you: “Do you even lift bro?” (But seriously.) The “Yeah I Didn’t Do Much” Dude: This guy will make you feel infinitely better about yourself, so stick around just to hear how painfully boring his three months off were. He worked the checkout lane once a week at Home Depot, spent mornings and afternoons inside either playing Starcraft II or reading fan fiction on Starcraft II, and huddled around a

bonfire in 92-degree heat, splitting a 12-er of Busch Light with his buddy Stephen on the weekends. Before this conversation, you wouldn’t have even believed you could waste a summer like this guy has. Question he’ll ask you: “You don’t think they have an Xbox at this party, do you?” The “I Was Abroad!” Girl: Holy shit man, this girl is the worst. Get out as fast as you can with this one. The girl who went abroad this summer is only talking to you in order to point out that you didn't go abroad this summer. Her only goal is to make you feel like a worthless peasant who chose to stay in the United States when you totally could have gone on gondola rides in Venice and Vespa tours in Paris or wherever the hell she went. She actually didn’t even learn anything or appreciate the culture while she was there, but she totally had Instagram aimed and ready to go at all times and saw all of Europe through her shitty 5-megapixel camera. But it’s okay, because now she has 40 more followers than she did a few months ago, 10 less than the amount of hashtags she uses on each picture. Question she’ll ask you: “Wait you didn’t go abroad, did you? Okay good.” The “New York Internship” Girl: How is this girl not broke and homeless? From what we know, New York apartments cost about $1,200 a month for a closet-sized room, and Glamour Magazine pays their interns in last season’s scarves. But three minutes into the conversation you’ll learn that her parents “helped her out a little,” and she “basically lived on pizza and Barefoot pinot grigio.” Ignoring her modesty and all-around glitzy aura, you’ll quickly realize that she genuinely thinks she is exponentially better than you, and she has her NYC Subway pass to prove it. She’ll bore your ear off about how “New York is so much different than Richmond,” when it’s true, but you don’t have to rub it in. Nevertheless, you will feel jealous,

but that’s natural. Not for the reasons she thinks you should be, like seeing Penn Badgley skateboarding in SoHo, but because her future looks incredibly promising while yours looks more and more like Amanda Bynes’. Question she’ll ask you: “Do you watch Girls? No? How about Sex and the City? Oh, because we ate lunch at the place where they shot that one scene...” Just avoid people as much as possible the first few days, and if you do accidentally run into someone you don’t wish to speak to, have a lot of “Gotta go, bye” excuses ready in your arsenal. However if you do get stuck in an unfortunate situation, just lie your ass off and hope your made-up summer makes them just as jealous and annoyed.

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The Black Sheep’s Guide to Drinking Wine Like A Boss Hey reader, what’s in your stash of booze, like, right now? We bet it’s something like 6 beers that once came in a 30-pack, half a plastic bottle of something that smells like rubbing alcohol’s shotgun shack cousin, and maybe if you’re really lucky, a half-bag of something reminiscent of “wine.” This is the year you said you were going to do things up right, keep it classy, but you don’t know where to begin. Well, how about with a nice (glass) bottle of wine?

TBS: When getting introduced to “good” wine, how would a college student on a budget go from a Tour De Franzia to a nice bottle of wine with dinner? Blake: First, stay away from the mainstream publications and seek out a local, passionate wine guy. The big guys are going to be wooed by the money and others’ agendas. This local guy can find you something that was like the chardonnay you had at your mom’s house that you liked, and he can introduce you to new wines you might like as well. Build a relationship with someone; if it’s a buck more, who cares? You get that value in a different way when he can show you lesser-known wines that are great values. Also, go to wine tastings. There are websites that’ll show you when and where they are. Go with a group of friends and just try different things. It’s inexpensive and it’s an experience.

The Black Sheep is here to help. We sat down with two wine professionals to ask them how to integrate sweet, sweet wine into both the college lifestyle and budget. Blake Krynicky is a former chef and consultant now working for Fetzer Vineyards, one of the first sustainable vineyards in California. Bryan Cass is the son of the founder of Cass Vineyards and holds a master’s degree in wine business, which makes us insanely jealous. By: Brendan

Or, just get a group of people to chip in and have a night where you go, “everyone bring a French white wine under ten bucks.” TBS: How is Franzia different from stuff that comes in a bottle? Bryan: The cheap stuff, they don’t use oak barrels, even for red wine. That’s important for making a complex wine, not just fermented grapes. The quality of the grapes is worse, too. A lot of the cheap stuff is made with Grenache, which you can get 10 to 15 tons an acre, but there’s so many grapes that the actual plant has an issue with making grapes of good quality. TBS: Is there a rule of thumb when it comes to wine price points? Blake: There are great wines available for under $20. Even at $15. From $10 to $15, you’ll also find some really good wine. Once you’re sinking under $6 for a bottle you’ve got to be careful. There’s some decent wines out there under that price, but wine’s the most expensive of beer, wine and spirits to produce, so you know they have to cut corners somewhere. $6 to $10 is a great price range to explore when on a budget. Bryan: Nowadays there’s a lot of good stuff that’s $10 to $15, and it’s stuff that’s available at a supermarket. A bottle of wine is about 6 beers in terms of alcohol content, so if you think of cost that way, it’s a decent rule of thumb. A pretty good bottle of wine is about the price of a good 6-pack. TBS: Are there varieties or styles of wine that are generally better at that lower price point? Blake: Certain wines are more expensive to produce. For example, you’re not going to get the same quality in a sub-$10 pinot noir that you will in a cabernet sauvignon because it’s more difficult to cultivate. Imports, like Argentinean wine or Chilean wine, with basics like chardonnay or cabernet, you can do well. TBS: How does region affect wine? Bryan: Typically people break down wines into “old world” wines and “new world wines.” Old world would be Europe, and new world

wines are from everywhere else. New world wines tend to be a little fruitier than old world wines and maybe are a little more approachable flavor-wise for a new drinker. TBS: How do a grape’s origins affect how the wine tastes? Blake: It has a huge effect on the grape. The same grapes grown in different countries—or even different microclimates—will taste different. Wine grapes can taste like a million different things. It’ll exhibit differences if grown in volcanic soil or a mountain valley. Malbecs are popular now, and it’s very easy to tell the differences between them. TBS: Anything to consider when pairing food with wine? Bryan: White wines with no oak and no sugar go really good with spicy food, like Thai or Mexican. Lighter reds are better with pork and turkey and ham. Darker reds are good with more robust meats like beef or lamb. I mean, going on Google and looking for wine pairings is really helpful. Blake: Wines made in certain styles are better with food as opposed to cocktailing. Wines with balance go better with food, while wines that have enhanced aspects are better standing on their own. Some big cabernets are fun to drink, but then you try it with food and it’ll be overpowering. Some zinfandels are very fruit-forward with high alcohol, they’ll be fun to cocktail with, but they won’t work well with food. TBS: What’s the best way to research wine? Blake: Talk to people who know more than you, but be careful. How are they presenting this information? They shouldn’t tell you what you should like, they should suggest based on the information you provide them. Bryan: Online information is pretty accurate; I trust a lot of the websites out there. TBS: What would you tell someone who claims they just don’t like wine? Blake: It’s an acquired taste, and those tastes change. I will eventually find something you like, there’s so many wines out there, there’s going to be one the person will enjoy. So, next time you think of pairing a forty of Olde English 800 with that Easy Mac and taco shell dinner, don’t. Grab a bottle of wine and be classy with your taco shell self.

Bartender of the Week Relationship Status: In a relationship How long can the average student hold out before skipping their first class?: About a week, the first week of college is SO much fun.

Major: Political Science/Sociology Favorite Drink: French 75: Lemon juice, simple syrup, gin, champagne Favorite Shot: Anything with bourbon Disgusting Drink: Apple martinis — way too sweet! What was the best, worst thing you did this summer?: Best - I spent a week in Georgia and South Carolina with my family, it’s so beautiful and relaxing. Worst - I haven’t been to the river AT ALL this summer! The weather’s been so muggy. If you could have any superpower what would it be?: Telekinesis, I love Jean Grey, she’s such a badass!

Katy of Tarrant’s Cafe Drinking Game

What’s your best bit of tailgating advice for freshmen?: FRESHMEN SHOULDN’T TAILGATE! But, watch out for 2-hour parking meters and don’t drink and drive unless you have $10,000 to pay for the ticket.

What was your summer anthem?: “Get Lucky” by Daft Punk, I don’t listen to the radio that much, I just pretend I know what everyone’s talking about music-wise. What’s the worst pickup line you’ve heard at work?: A guy offered me $200 if I took my shirt off so he could see my tattoos. It was pretty funny, but I declined. What’s the funniest thing you’ve seen on the job?: When I worked at Baja Bean, I caught a woman blowing a guy in the bathroom. When I caught them, the woman’s friend asked her who the guy was and she had no idea what his name was except that she was blowing him… Why should people read The Black Sheep?: It’s important to keep up with the interesting things happening in the city and socialization is integral to happiness.

Recipe for disaster

SoVo Fair Scavenger Hunt

Back to School Burgers

Whether you’re an incoming freshman with an early case of alcoholism or an upperclassman prone to Sunday Fun Days, Malt Liquor Mondays, Toasted Tuesdays, Wasted Wednesdays, Thirsty Thursdays, and uh, the weekend, SoVo Fair is always more fun with some booze in you. We found a way to make the day on campus where every student organization tries to make you feel like you belong even more enjoyable.

Now that you’re finally back on campus, it’s time to start being an adult again by grocery shopping and making your own food. Since the weather is still nice for a while, here’s a quick dinner recipe that is yummy, simple and great for the grill.

What You’ll Need: A group of friends, a camera and the alcohol of your choice. Number of Players: As many as you want! Level of Intoxication: It all depends on how quick you are.

What You’ll Need: Hamburger patties and buns, your favorite burger fixings (cheese, lettuce, onions, tomatoes), cans of Keystone, and French fries or hash browns. Cook Time: About 20 minutes. Fatty Factor: You could always use veggie burgers, but that’s no fun.

How to Play: - Gather your friends in your apartment the morning before SoVo Fair. - Before starting, everyone needs to take a shot or chug a beer. Woo-hoo 11 a.m.! - Divide everyone into teams and make sure each team has a camera. - Make a list of 10-15 things for your teams to gather. Examples include 5 pens from different organizations, 1 religious flyer trying to convert you, 2 pictures of your team with someone LARPing, 1 t-shirt, 1 copy of The Black Sheep, etc. - Once you’ve gathered all your items, race back to the apartment. - After all the teams return, each team needs to take a shot for the place they finished in. For example, team members on the second-place team need to take two shots. - Award bonus points to teams for the funniest photos, the most colorful pens, and for the number of clubs for which you put down your email address. - Teams then take turns passing out their bonus points in the form of shots to the other teams. The Game Ends When: Does drinking really ever have to end? You’ll really regret this when the 200 emails flood your inbox, asking you to come out to the club’s first meeting.

download our free app for all the games! 12

Let’s Get Baked: - Heat up the grill (most likely the mini George Foreman on your counter, amirite?). - If you’re making hash browns, put a skillet on the stove with a little oil and dump ‘em in. - Turn the burner up to medium. - Toss your burger patty on the grill and let it cook for a few minutes. - We suggest toasting your burger bun and laying on a slice of cheese while it’s still warm. - While your burger cooks, crack open a Keystone (take a sip, you know you want to) and pour a little bit over your burger. - After the suds soak in, flip the burger and pour a little more on the other side. - Keep repeating this until the burger is cooked to your liking. - Slip the patty off the grill and onto the bun. - Dump on your French fries or turn off your stove and add the hash browns. - Add the rest of your toppings, crack open another beer and you’re done! The perfect precursor to your first night out back on campus.

nomnomnomnom theblacksheeponline.com

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Computer Textbooks Calculator Government Aid Ramen Chasers Fake ID Bicycle Cracked Smartphone

answer key

. M E H PICS! T Y T E R T A A P H R U O R Y LEOTVEMEBTARHAESSMEDOOR BECOME INFAMOUS. SPICENS@DTUHESBLACKTSHHROEUEGPHOONULRINWEE.CBSOITME! G P OR P A R U O IA V & . D E K M O A .C N E N T I L E N G O P R E E O H , S K Y THEBLAC LAUGHH,ACT?R) (WAIT, W

Hi there and welcome to The Vice is Right! I’m your host, Brew Carey, here today with another exciting game for you, contestant. In front of you there are eight listed prices, each with two items beside the price. One of these items is good, something your parents would be happy to see you spend their money on. The other is the vice item, purchasing this would make them question why they’re paying for you to go to Brew U. Now here’s the tricky part, you have to guess which item’s price, according to Amazon, is actually listed. If you get them all right you’ll win a spot in our Bro-case Hoedown! Check your answers at the bottom of the page, and good luck on The Vice is Right!

Pens • Condoms • Hard Drive • Ramen • TV • Detergent • Kiddie Pool • Underwear

Answer Key (Correct Item Listed):

madlib

Meeting Your roommate’s parents

Well we tried to be responsible, but like most things at

___1___, drinking just sort of happened. We were only going to have a glass of ___2___ (on the rocks, of course), sit on the porch and listen to ___3___ and chat about ___4___’s weight gain, because GROSS.

and throw a party. Only ___13___ showed up, but that second keg was necessary. Hobo ___14___ showed up and he brought ___15___ for us. Tom from ___16___ came by and even did a ___17___-second keg stand! I got my ass kicked in ___18___ by ___19___, who ended up passing out on our couch.

But then we saw ___5___ walk by with a ___6___ in her hand, and she decided to sit down with us and have a drink. When we started to get tipsy, my roommate went inside to get ___7___ to sober us up… but came out with her ___8___ shot glasses she smuggled from ___9___ on her “___10___” study abroad trip and a bottle of ___11___ vodka.

Overall it was a very successful night, but when my roommate’s parents showed up, she wasn’t even here. Luckily they were chill with eating cold leftover pizza and sipping on last night’s leftover keg. Mr. ___20___ can sure put them back! When my roommate came back she reeked of ___21___ and looked like ___22___’s little sister. They then all left and went to the bar. Then ___23___ got it on in the kitchen! Such a ___24___ After that was killed, the next natural step was to get a keg of ___12___ time! 1: Your university 2: Liquor 3: 90s pop star 4: Recent celebrity 5: Wacky friend 6: Malt liquor 7: Type of lunch meat

8: Body part 9: Sketchy country 10: Overused synonym for good 11: Exotic fruit 12: Shitty beer 13: The current time

Meet The Staff campus manager Kenneth Jordan Editorial manager Lorenzo Simpson Advertising ManagerS Tyler Harvey Erica Mirra, Joshua Sadler Writers Lorenzo Simpson, Nathan Heintschel, Kalsey Hanratty Sabrina Fuller, Ciara Roman

campus director Quinn Myers owner Atish Doshi Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com

Social media manager Nathan Heintschel

Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com

Marketing TEAM Jasmine Kent, Deanna Celmer Kelsey Grupp, Meredith Frick Brian Guerrero, Malina Eaglin

Hate Us? lame@theblacksheeponline.com

14: Average dude’s name 15: Drug 16: Local pizza place 17: Your birthday 18: Drinking game 19: Local athletic celebrity

20: Your roommate’s last name 21: Men’s cologne 22: Trashy celebrity 23: Same as #19 24: Same as #10

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Corporate: 217.390-1747 • Advertising: 608.712.0900

Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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