VCU - Issue 2 - 4/3/2014 by The Black Sheep

Vol. 6, Issue 2

The Black Sheep THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE

FRE E. LOS .. LIKE SO F YO M O U R UR NIN BRA G T CKE HE T.

4/3/14 - 4/16/14

NINETY-YEAR-OLD DANCE PIONEER GRADUATING,

PAYS TUITION IN SINGLES ALI BEE WROTE THIS

As a community, VCU welcomes people of all shapes and sizes. Recently, The Black Sheep discovered one of the most unique students yet. No, we’re not talking about your average LARP Lord or Fraternity Brother of the year; it’s much more than that. In fact, she’s the most one-of-a-kind student that has ever attended VCU. After more than 70 years at the university ninety-year-old Delores Cumbridge, a successful stripper, has finally completed her time at VCU and will graduate at the end of this spring semester with a double major in Biomedical Engineering and Mandarin Chinese. It was a struggle, but through a stripper’s salary she was able to pay her tuition. “I hit a point in 1950 where I thought I’d have to call it quits as the rates for tuition went up,” she said as she hand-knit a new sparkling top. “With the support of my loyal and limber colleagues, I pushed myself to find better clients. I would say JFK was my most famous, but who knew he’d be such a bad tipper?” In spite of of Cumbridge’s many misfortunes, she has paid her entire tuition in singles. Though her deposit is still in the process of being counted, she’s sure she has finally paid off her debt. Since attending VCU in 1942, Cumbridge has managed to not only strip her way through college, she’s had a good time on campus as well.

“I couldn’t pass up the college experience,” she stated while icing her left hip before the night’s performance, “there were so many opportunities to fulfill.” As a freshman she pledged a sorority and joined the dance team. Her fondest memories of her sorority days were teaching her new sisters how many things one can actually do with a pole and becoming the beer pong champ five years in a row. Eventually the house decided she was no longer allowed to be a sister, so she took over the position of the sorority mother, which she still holds today. As for the dance team, “they were so jealous of my flexibility and unique choreography they wouldn’t let me on the team!” she laughed. A few years later, more students found out about her stripping career and urged her to start a club of her own. After recruiting ten freshmen and practicing intensely on Sundays after church, they were finally able to shake what their mommas gave ‘em. Unfortunately, the club only lasted for three years until it was banned in 1969. The athletic director—”a real square”—didn’t find it appropriate for a basketball halftime show; however, they still allowed lap dances for the injured players. She tried her best to get the club reinstated with bribes of half-off private sessions, but it was no use. Instead, she moved on in hopes of creating new trends to bring to VCU. In 1948 she started off with simply not shaving. “It was after the war, and I thought

to myself, ‘Delores, you deserve to take it easy.’ You’d be surprised how many men were turned on by some extra foliage.”

made sense considering the tattoo was a VCU Ram biting down on a dollar bill with “ram on!” inked above the horns.

We were just as impressed when she gave us a private show. She was also the pioneer of the tramp stamp, which she claims is the perfect location for a tattoo. We suppose it

Cumbridge stated that all those years of bending over backwards for the public was worth it while she attended VCU. Her only complaint was the restraining order she

received from her BIO 101 professor for inappropriate leg positioning and nudity during office hours. Her last wish is to fulfill her dream of stripping across the graduation stage to accept her diploma. We wish you all the best Dolores; go get ‘em tonight at Rodney’s Corner!

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PAGES 10-11

THE CAP AND GOWN STRUGGLE: TOO REAL

TOP 10: REASONS TO USE RAMSAFE

TYRION LANNISTER’S GUIDE TO COLLEGE

JUST KEEP PILING ON THE DEBT, VCU.

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VCU’S SEARCH FOR

THE NEXT BEST APP SABRINA FULLER WROTE THIS

Whether you’re awkwardly standing around in public, or just trying to distract yourself from studying, smartphone apps always seem to be a go-to. Look at your phone for a second. There’s a copy of “Flappy Bert,” a fitness app that you’ll never use, and of course there are the pre-installed apps that you can’t get rid of. VCU’s computer science department recently made it their mission to search the web for the next latest and greatest app for students. This “research project” is nothing like your Google searches, though. The CS team leaders actually traveled inside of cyberspace, because technology is amazing! Sure, they could have just hosted a competition on campus, but why not waste a grant? The Black Sheep sent a reporter with the crew to cover the excitement. The research team met up in the Real-Time Simulation Lab in the School of Business building. The goal was to find an app that VCU students would find useful. The lead researcher took time to warn everyone about the risks of the project. “The internet is a scary place guys, so we’ll need to be careful. Leave everything exactly as it was. One alteration in the fabric of html text can alter the course of the net. Also, don’t get distracted by the memes. Did you all sign your waivers? I’m not sure if this is completely legal. Are we ready?” We suited up and in moments we were all transported into the internet. And it was awesome. Of course, as with any research project, our team ended up mindlessly browsing the internet for a couple of hours. Hey, it happens. At first everything was all giggles and poop memes. Most of the internet is fairly harmless, after all. Our team even hacked into a few celebrity email accounts. Let’s just say there’s a lot that you don’t know (and don’t want to know) about Ryan Seacrest’s demonic cult.

At one point things were a little touch and go. The group ended up stranded on the weird side of YouTube. We’re still not sure how we went from watching funny Vine compilations to being stuck in a disturbing vlog video. Finally, we got back on track we spotted our first app: Self-Dstruct. The Self-Dstruct app could definitely come in handy for a lot of VCU students. Has anyone read the crime alerts lately? Robberies are a reality. Typically when you’re pissed off that someone stole your phone, there isn’t much you can do besides bitch on Facebook and Twitter. However, with a handy self-destruct app, you could really stick it to the jerk who stole your iPhone. The app is designed to respond as soon as you dial a pre-selected phone number. From there, poof. Your dirty pics and embarrassing drunk texts are gone. Even your game high scores. Guess Harry the Hoodlum’s gonna have to start from Level One on Candy Crush, just like the rest of us. Pretty handy app. Our team found another app on a Men in Black fan website. Remember the Neuralyzer? There’s an app for that! This fairly ambitious app is used to erase a person’s memory. Have you ever wanted to tell off your professor in person? Well you could totally do that with this app, get a standing ovation from your entire class, and make your professor forget about it afterward. There’s so much that you could use a Neuralyzer for. Will Smith special agent sunglasses are not included. It was a tough decision, but the group decided that the Self-Dstruct app would be more useful for students. So we pocketed the coding, or whatever makes an app possible, and ended our cyberspace odyssey. The computer science department plans on releasing details on the app via social media in the coming weeks. Because, every computer could use a little more RAM.

THE CAP AND GOWN STRUGGLE: TOO REAL LIZZIE HALL WROTE THIS It’s getting close to graduation time for the seniors at VCU, and they’re ready to skate across the stage, right into a well-payi—HAHAHA! Sorry, couldn’t say that with a straight face. This year, our rising alums have been hit with another inconvenience that might be the stone that broke the Ram’s horn. VCU has decided not to pick up the tab for the caps and gowns, leaving the seniors to gripe, complain, and put their money towards the proper graduation uniform. Our graduating peers who are as broke as a Letterman joke have been forced to think of some very unconventional methods to scrape up the scratch for the gown and cap. To showcase how they are coming up with the money, introducing two seniors, Mr. Jackson “One Organ” Henry, and Miss Candy. TBS: Mr. Henry, thank you so much for speaking with us, please explain what you’ve been doing to come up with the money to purchase your cap and gown. Also, we’re extremely confused about the origin of your nickname; will you please clue us in on that, too?” Jackson: Well, both questions can be answered with one statement; I sell my body parts on the black market. You can make some mad bank off of stuff like that, man. I’ve sold a kidney, parts of my pancreas, some intestines, a sliver of my colon, the tips of my ears, some toes, some fingers, and my knee caps. I mean, it could be way worse. I’m looking forward to getting rid

353-8885 en until 2am

of my ear drums for a little extra dough. That way at the basketball games, I’ll never complain about them being too loud! I don’t have to worry about going deaf sitting by ‘The Peppas,’ ,’cause already will be! I guess the only downside was that I wanted to be a doctor and study neurology and help treat Alzheimer’s and stroke patients and cool stuff like that, and now I can’t really do that, but hey whatever, I’ll be able to hobble across that stage and get my pre-med diploma, and knowing I did what I had to do to get my cap and gown, making everything so worth it. TBS: Miss Candy, can you strip down to just the facts of your means of acquiring these funds? Miss Candy: Just because I do what I do it doesn’t make me a bad person. Just throwing that out there. I’m a sociology and education major and all I want to do with my life is just help and teach children. They’re our future. So what if I shake my ass to a bunch of strangers for dollar bills and cheap liquor?! Who are you to judge me?! This is America! I’m an American who is twerking for our future! Also, the gig has its perks. Some of my teachers come in while I’m working, and if they realize who I am and they see that I know who they are, I get an automatic ”A.” How do you think I have enough time to double

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major and work every second I can to try to get enough money to pay for my cap and gown? Connections, and working at a strip club: the two secrets to life. Dolores Cumbridge has been a really great mentor for me; her recommendations get me more tips than a doctor working overtime. ”

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What other activities are VCU students participating in?Pretending to be homeless to scavenge up some spare change, shaving their head and selling hair, who knows at this point? All we know is that the seniors will make it to that coveted stage, we’re just not sure their sanity will be there with them.

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AROUND CAMPUS

THE

TOP

TEN

REASONS TO USE RAMSAFE EDWARD FAHEY WROTE THIS

As the weather starts to warm and the party circuit starts up again, it’s more important than ever to know the ins and outs of VCU’s own public transit system. After all, you need to get out of the 5-block radius you’ve inhabited since the weather dropped below fifty. Here are ten reasons to start utilizing VCU’s RamSafe. 10.) Impress your hook-up: What says “I’m a straight-up baller” more than having a car service pick you up? While out of earshot of your date for the night, hit up ya boys at RamSafe. When you get to the vehicle, pretend not to notice that VCU logos are plastered all over the sides, instead open the door like it’s a bright pink stretch limo. Bonus suave points if you call the driver “Jeeves” the entire ride.

CURSE OF THE

VCU DESK PHANTOM LIZZIE HALL WROTE THIS You ever wonder about that yellow desk in the middle of the Compass--or wait, next to the Ram Horns? How it just sits there, prompting odd looks from passersby? How did it get there? How does it keep moving? Why are we not getting VCU Alerts about this shit!? The answer’s right in front of your face: There’s a legendary force around the campus of Virginia Commonwealth University; a force that puts fear into the hearts and shit into the pants of many. A legend that is so terrifying, that some do not dare speak its name. Even the bravest of the brave cower in the shadows at just the whisper of it; the legend of the “VCU Desk Phantom”. The legend begins a couple days before the start of midterm week, a girl named Peg was working diligently on her midterm final for an Art Foundation class. The class’ brownnoser, she was stressed more about this project than any other class she was taking; blow it and she’d be a true starving artist. Peg wrapped herself up entirely in her midterm final, trying to perfect it as much as she could, popping Adderall and posting health scares on Tumblr to calm her mind. The day was coming to an end, but still she trudged on and on into the night. Her project wasn’t finished yet and until it was, sleep meant as much to her as common sense meant to the Commons remodeling team. Finally, as dawn broke, it was completed. Peg took off her apron, covered in yellow spray paint, slid on her high-waisted shorts, fixed her perfect bun into a loose mess and prayed to the Art Gods to cut her a friggin’ break. Peg arrived to class to see all of her peers with their projects in-hand. She even got some stank-eye as she strutted into the room with only a piece of paper. This didn’t worry her, they were just jealous, she assumed. As the teacher called each student

by name, her confidence only grew until finally her name was called. It was time to discuss her project. She thrusted her sheet of paper in the professor’s direction. “Well go on, read it.” And he did. As he read, confusion grew. He walked to the window to look at the clear view of Brandt and Rhoads Hall’s patio; for in the middle of that patio was sitting a bright yellow wooden desk. No glorious sculpture, breathtaking still life, or even one of those neat pencil drawings, just a yellow desk. More confusion grew as he turned to face his onceprized student. Rage grew behind his eyes faster than hair on a Kardashian. He ran to his podium, retrieving an ax from his briefcase. An ax was his scare tactic for tardy students, but today it would serve a more practical use. The professor stormed out to the chair, Peg dragging at his ankles. His days of working in the saw mill rushed to the front of his brain as he raised his mighty ax, bringing it down through the middle of the wooden monstrosity. With a Norman Bates glare, he turned to Peg and uttered one letter. “F.” Peg’s poor little heart gave out, as well as her dreams of selling her art at the Farmers’ Market one day. Now every spring semester, it is said that the same yellow desk can be seen around campus, but it moves every night. No one has said to have seen the person who does, although some homeless men in Monroe Park say they have seen a girl in highwaisted shorts and a messy bun walking around the desk. The legend claims that the first art student who sits in the desk every semester will be cursed to have a failing midterm grade. Do you dare sit in the desk? Or have you already been cursed?

9.) You can bring your friends: RamSafe allows for two non-VCU guests to travel for free with a student, so basically, PARTY BUS! Remember that sweet neon-lit bus you got for prom your senior year of high school that some girl puked on because she drank too much Bacardi? Yeah? Well, it’s sort of like that. Add your friends, divide up the responsibility for guests, and you get the sum of a damn good time. Well, until you get kicked off. 8.) They’ll pick you up: What other service can you think of that will pick you up any time you want? Yeah, good luck convincing the Campus Connector to swing by your place. RamSafe caters to a vast stretch of the VCU campus and surrounding areas, so it can scoop you even if you ended up ten blocks away from where you started. 7.) Matchmaking: Sharing a ride with strangers is typically a weird experience, especially if you’re alone. But hey, you’re already here. Now’s the perfect time to make some acquaintances, especially with the cute boy a few inches away. People will totally love random chatting, especially if you lean hard on the romantic pickup lines. After all, the ride only lasts so long, you’ve gotta be assertive right? 6.) The RamSafe drinking game: RamSafe employs a neat function embedded in the VCU app that allows you to track your ride requests, and the van driver assigned to your destination. This allows you to track how long you have until you have to finish your drink. Take a drink every minute you’re waiting, 2 drinks when the van tracker shows the driver going the exact opposite direction of your location, and finish your drink as soon as you receive the call that it’s arrived. 5.) It’s free: That’s right, free. As in, save your taxi money and get another forty, winner. You’ve earned it by being frugal in your transportation needs, so now you can waste it elsewhere. And isn’t that what being a college student is all about? 4.) It runs early evening and morning: RamSafe runs from 5p.m. to 8a.m., meaning those of us too lazy to walk to night classes can utilize this valuable service, especially if you’re far from the building you need to be in. But don’t count on getting there on time, and really don’t try to encourage the driver to go faster because you’re late to class. They don’t give a shit. 3.) The friendly staff: Speaking of the driver, be prepared to see a charming and welcoming face when you get on, after all, driving drunk teens around is why they got that psychology degree in the first place. They work on six-hour driving shifts, and if you’ve ever spent six hours driving in Richmond traffic (and if so, why?) you’ll probably understand why these iron-footed road warriors perennially have a look on their face that is a mix between stepping in dog shit and eating a hobo’s sock. 2.) Safety: If you couldn’t find your way out of the bathroom because you were too drunk, you probably shouldn’t be walking home either. Realizing that Richmond is a city, and that cities have crime is a very important step in acclimating yourself to VCU’s climate. If you wander into an alley drunk and alone, you will be at the mercy of Max the Mugger and his gang of degenerates. Take RamSafe and avoid trying to explain to the friendly police guy why exactly you ended up with soaked pants and a missing cell phone. 1.) Because it isn’t free later: Where do you want to move after you graduate? Los Angeles? Chicago? New York? Free transportation in these cities begins and ends just south of your ankles. So why not use it? Also, it’s totally possible to RamSafe to and from Bodillaz at 2a.m. What more could you ask for? Except for free Bodillaz!?

AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

ON THE STREETS IF YOU COULD HAVE SOMETHING NAMED AFTER YOU, WHAT WOULD IT BE AND WHY? Michell, Senior

“I would name a new element after myself, Michellium, because it will be my legacy.”

Monica, Junior

“I would love a theory named after myself because it would mean that I’m a successful psychologist.”

Diana, Sophomore

“I would like a flower named after me, because they bring happiness to people.”

He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.

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The Food and Event Grid SPECIAL NIGHT

EVERY DAY Happy Hour! 4:30 - 7:00 Killer Beverage and Food Specials

FRIDAY: Low Tide (4-8): $2 Off Select Apps DJ Jinxx Every Weekend - NO COVER

Monday - Friday: Happy Hour 3-6pm

Sunday: $1 Tacos

Asian Fusion, Sushi, Hibachi. 24 Craft Beers on Tap, Modern Atmosphere & Great Service! Happy Hour Everyday 4:30pm-7pm

Thursday

Happy Hour! 4:30 - 7:00 Killer Beverage and Food Specials

Low Tide (4-8): $2 Off Select Apps

Happy Hour 3-6pm March Madness Specials All Day!

Happy Hour 4pm-7pm, 2 Tacos for $3, 11 Styles to choose from!

Open Until 2am! Check out our Facebook page for special events!

Friday

Happy Hour! 4:30 - 7:00 Killer Beverage and Food Specials

Low Tide (4-8): $2 Off Select Apps DJ Jinxx Every Weekend - NO COVER

Happy Hour 3-6pm March Madness Specials All Day!

Happy Hour 4pm-7pm, 2 Tacos for $3, 11 Styles to choose from!

Open Until 2am! Check out our Facebook page for special events!

Saturday

Happy Hour! 4:30 - 7:00 Killer Beverage and Food Specials

DJ Jinxx Every Weekend - NO COVER

March Madness Specials All Day!

Come in on Sunday for $1 Tacos!

Open Until 2am! Check out our Facebook page for special events!

Sunday

Happy Hour! 4:30 - 7:00 Killer Beverage and Food Specials

Pitcher of Bud Lt., Coors Lt. or Miller Lt. AND a Plate of Jumbo Wings for $11.99

March Madness Specials All Day!

$1 Tacos!!!

Happy Hour 4:30pm-7pm Beverage & Food Specials!

Monday

Happy Hour! 4:30 - 7:00 Killer Beverage and Food Specials

Low Tide 4-8 pm: $2 OFF Select Apps

Happy Hour 3-6pm

Happy Hour 4pm-7pm, 2 Tacos for $3, 11 Styles to choose from!

Happy Hour 4:30pm-7pm Beverage & Food Specials!

Tuesday

1/2 Off Growler Night! Happy Hour! 4:30 - 7:00, Killer Beverage and Food Specials

Low Tide (4-8) $2 Off Select Apps BURGER SPECIAL Buy One, Get One FREE TE-QUIL-YA TUESDAYS

Happy Hour 3-6pm

Happy Hour 4pm-7pm, 2 Tacos for $3, 11 Styles to choose from!

Happy Hour 4:30pm-7pm Beverage & Food Specials!

Wednesday

Happy Hour! 4:30 - 7:00 Killer Beverage and Food Specials

Low Tide (4-8) $2 Off Select Apps

Happy Hour 3-6pm

Happy Hour 4pm-7pm, 2 Tacos for $3, 11 Styles to choose from!

Happy Hour 4:30pm-7pm

Shy Freshman Speaks, Becomes Giant Tool STAFF WROTE THIS Richmond, VA-- Shy freshman Ryan La’doolicle spoke for the first time in his Intro to Abstract Theories and Easy-Bake physics class since arrive back from Christmas break in January. “The teacher asked me my name, so I told him,” said La’doolicle when asked to reflect on this precedent-setting moment. La’doolicle then, for the fourth time during our interview, quickly excused himself to the restroom without making eyecontact. La’doolicle’s classmates were blown away when they heard him speak. “I didn’t even know someone was sitting there, I thought it was a ghost or something, man,” said Chet Shill as a rhinestone popped off of his Affliction t-shirt. “Spooky stuff right there, you ever seen Ghost Hunters? Dude wears the raddest shirts.”

Others, on the other hand, took notice of the sound coming from La’doolicle’s facehole. “It was, like, kind of annoying, y’know?” said Ashley Glamorglop, the walking embodiment of an upward inflection. “I was trying to talk to this grade-A piece of poon-pounder about my ski trip to ‘Spen. It was so stitch, and that little dude totally interrupted me when he asked that other little dude what his name was.” The professor, Ricklo D’Simpson, was unsure why we were even talking to him about this. “Is this your job? You asked people about other people saying their name?” Simpson inquired. “He said his name, not the cure for cancer. Get the hell outta my face with that camera.” In an attempt to get by our wall of journalistic intention, Simpson shoved Josh, the The Black Sheep cameraman away. Josh

lost his footing and was struck by an oncoming cyclist. Josh can be visited at UH Richmond Medical Center, though he is in a coma. In a follow-up interview with La’doolicle, we found out that things could not be going better for the freshman who spoke in class. “I’m like a celebrity now bro,” said La’doolicle sporting a bedazzled Affliction tee and Italian greaser accent. “I got teachers asking me questions left and right like I’m Webster or something, y’know? I’m like, ‘No professor, who do you think Copernicus was?’ gets ‘em every time.” La’doolicle now travels around with a posse of no less than eight dime-pieces, “or 16 nickels, if y’know what I mean.” La’doolicle unironically yarns. Having witnessed the transformation, Professor Simpson has since apologized

for putting our cameraman Josh into a coma and agreed to a five-minute interview in exchange for us dropping the multi-million dollar lawsuit against him. As the monument of journalistic integrity in Richmond, VA, The Black Sheep gladly made the deal; Josh can pay for his own bills, we answer only to the call of news. “Dude’s a real dick now,” said Simpson. “He walked in front of the projector and that shirt of his blinded the first three rows. Literally. They can’t see anymore.”

La’doolicle doesn’t see the problem with his new swag. “Hater’s are going to hate,” said La’doolicle, who then popped his shirt at us and shouted to a female student if “‘Dat ass was certified beef, or what?” La’doolicle’s parents could not be reached for comment, most likely due to the intense shame felt when they received the picture of their son we faxed to them. More people should fax.

Tyrion Lannister’s

GUIDE TO COLLEGE HANNAH WEYER WROTE THIS

When picking idols from Westeros, it’s very important that you choose wisely. Taking advice from Walder Frey seems harmless when you’re shtupping sixteen-year-olds, but if you’re not careful, you could end up [SEASON 3 SPOILER ALERT] mass-murdering your King and his entire posse at his uncle’s wedding. And listening to Theon Greyjoy could get your wiener cut off and sent to your dad. It’s a tricky business. That’s why it’s important to recognize the magnificence of Tyrion Lannister, our pocket-sized Westerosi idol. Tyrion not only has never killed anyone that we liked, he lives his life by a code we can really get behind: “Fuck bitches, get money.” He’s a clever little imp with a shitty dad and incestuous siblings (something we can all relate to) and he knows how to work the business-end of a shield. Is this wine-logged, scar-faced dwarf great? Yes. The greatest? Absolutely. A standard we should hold ourselves to the rest of our lives? Pretty much. Let’s all model our lives after our favorite little monster, starting with college!

F*CK BITCHES:

Take what you can get, man. Tyrion understands the importance of poon, make no mistake. Bitches’ cold asses belong on the wall though, because they won’t touch the pintsized player. Does this bother tiny Tyrion? Bitch please. Nothing cramps this Lion’s style. When ladies don’t respond to his smooth moves, Tyrion takes his dang-ding-dong to a hooker house. He spewnds a medium-sized fortune on hookers every year, not because he got his wittle feewings hurt and needs numbing no-nos, but because he knows that to keep his brain running at optimum levels he has to bone on the reg. We can all learn something from that.

GET MONEY:

When your bank account is bottomless, so is your beer. When your beer is bottomless, so is your weekend. To party like a rock star, you need to write un-bounced checks like a rock star. How? Tyrion suggests being born a Lannister. But if you’re a loser that can’t be born a Lannister, marry a Lannister. Bang a Lannister. Blackmail a Lannister. Entertain a Lannister. Pretend to be a Lannister. Make shoes for a Lannister. Somehow get a Lannister indebted to you, because a Lannister always pays his debts. God, you really do need to find a rich friend or two.

DRINK:

Drinking is good for you. It relieves stress, protects you from dealing with your sister sober and isn’t cholera-laced water that will kill you dead. But don’t be drinking whatever like some idiot Baratheon. No, the Imp has some ground rules: 1.) Being drunk all the time is not easy. If it were easy, everyone would do it. Earn your drunkenness. 2.) Everything is better with a belly full of wine, especially your parents. 3.) Start with the cocktails and don’t touch the

cheap crap until you’re too drunk to know the difference. Don’t be a noob.

BE CLEVER:

You’re in college because you’re smart, and you’re smart because you have to compensate for that face somehow. See what we did there? That there was Grade-A eloquent snark. The clever insult is Tyrion’s bread and butter, and it can be yours too if you stop acting like a dumbass. Get your head out of that prostitute’s lice-filled crotch and into your books! A mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone, and honey, the sharper yours is, the more quickly you can cut through idiot [insert rival school nickname here]’s. “Maybe if you didn’t want to get pissed on, you should have worn better shoes. You banal troglodyte.” There, there’s your first one. You’re welcome.

HIT BELOW THE BELT:

Yeah, that’s a short joke. So sue us.

BE PATIENT:

Don’t have a “short” temper. Boom! There’s another one!

TYRION IS EXTREMELY SHORT:

Hahaha! We are on FIRE with these jokes!

PERSPECTIVE :

College seems enormous, and every little quiz is like another monster exam. Every little fling is a promise, every little hurdle a mountain, every little STD, AIDS. That’s exaggerating, and you’re a drama queen. Stop being a drama queen. Find the biggest obstacle you can find and laugh in its face until it feels self conscious and runs away. Face a horde of dirty, smelly mountain men and charm them to your side. Climb a mile-high ice wall and piss off the edge, you crazy bastard you! When

you get to the top, everyone else looks super small for a change! Pee on them!

DRINK MORE:

Woohoo! Wine makes everything wonderful! Beer makes everyone beautiful! Vodka makes everything...vanguard! If you plan on going through life without getting taller, prettier or richer, you’d better start doing it drunker, and we don’t mean white-girl drunker! Drinking is serious business. No one’s going to take you seriously if six ales turn you into a giggly country music-listener. That’s not good drinking. That’s not appropriate behavior. Master the art of being drunk constantly. The constant drunk, like our favorite Lion, can double fist both beers AND significant plot-affecting conversations. Get to that level.

DRINK MORE:

Why are you still sober enough to read this?

SELF-ESTEEM:

Be realistic—if you’re short, be short; if you’re a dick, be a dick; if you can’t rap fo’ crap, be white. Own the shit you get shit for, because if you open with, “Hi, I’m Dennis and I can’t grow a beard,” no one’s going to turn around and say, “Wow, Dennis should change his name to “Denise,” because that is one girly face.” They won’t be all, “Do you think he has a testosterone deficiency? That poor girly bastard, let’s Photoshop boobs on his Facebook picture.” They can’t be like, ‘Did you see Denise’s mustache? Haha, she thinks she’s a guy, haha,’ because you’ve already covered that. “If you turn your weakness into armor, it can’t be used to hurt you,” unless your weakness is, like, iron maidens or something.

FAMILY:

Tyrion Lannister knows very well that family is the number one priority. Even if your sister’s a bitch that does the do with her twin,

your twinbred nephew has the personality of poisoned cake, your mother is dead and your father wishes you were dead, family has to come first because they’re the ones with the non-delinquent bank account. Yeah, Dad, I’m disappointed in my choice of career paths too. Can you help me out with rent this month?

DRAGONS:

Are dragons a metaphor for power? A symbol of the a-changing times? Heroin? It doesn’t matter. Dragons are real, and you should ignore everybody who says they’re not. Follow your dragons to the ends of the earth. Hijack them. Fly them back. Destroy everyone who ever called you fat in middle school. Burn them. Cook them. Let your dragon feast onwait, what were we talking about?

HAVE FUN:

Are you drunk yet? The best part of a functional alcoholism like Tyrion’s is that he can do all the same shit a sober Lannister can do, but he gets to do it with whiskey goggles, so it seems remarkably less shitty! Imagine being able to go to work without fantasizing about burning Taco Bell to the ground! Laughing at your geology professor’s rock jokes! Making small talk with the scary guy that’s always in the laundry room corner! The world is yours to laugh at, dance with, party on and mash erogenous zones with, so why be sad and sober? When you have serenaded yourself, drunk yourself happy, tamed some hardcore strange, found your dragon and boobs, read an awesome book, rented a couple dozen hookers, bought a couple dudes, tolerated your family, climbed a mountain, rolled around in gold coins, danced with your demons and killed a dude with a shield, THEN you will be as happy, as perfect and as awesome as Tyrion Lannister.

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Relationship Status: Single Favorite Drink: Rumple Minze

BARTENDER

Favorite Shot: Rumple Minze Disgusting Drink: Vodka Diet Coke What liquor, to you, most screams, “I’m a freshman!”?: To me it would be a Long Island. What alcoholic product would make the best perfume?: Hendrick’s Gin would make a good perfume.

ROCKSTAR

What do you think those guys in Chumbawamba are up to these days?: They are probably at the bottom of a glass. If you could change one thing about Facebook, what would it be?: I would not allow pictures of babies or pets. Who do you most want to have a tickle fight with, and why?: Woody, one of the bar regulars, because his laugh is hilarious .

OF THE WEEK

What did you find out last time you Googled yourself?: I was surprised to find that I still have MySpace account.

RYAN KNAUSE of

POSTBELLUM

What’s the deal with airplane food?: Airplane food is awful. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: People should read it because it’s one of the better publications in town.

RECIPE for DISASTER

DRINKING GAME Dictionary!

Special Time ‘Cakes

Werds kan b haard sumtimez. Butt if u no how 2 make da werds work gud then u shuld plai is game 4real.

Hey there, happy birthday! It is your birthday, right? Or at least your fake ID’s birthday? Whatever, it’s another day and it’s another reason to be merry. So celebrate because you didn’t fall on your face walking to class, or because the internet exists, or because it’s almost 4/20. Whatever honorary holiday you make up, you’re going to need some sprinkles in your life, and that’s where we come in.

What You’ll Need: A dictionary, or a dictionary app on your phone. WE GET IT DARREN, YOU’RE RICH. Number of Players: Anywhere between two and a number that can only be defined by your imagination. Level of Intoxication: DARREN, DID YOU SHIT IN THE FLOWERPOT AGAIN? FUCK. How to Play: - One person begins as the guesser. - Have one player open up the dictionary to a random page, then point to a random word. Or, do the equivalent of whatever this is on the app you’re using. - If you’re using an app, remember the definition of this word, then randomly generate two other words. - If you’re using a real dictionary, then read the words immediately above and below the randomly chosen word. - Have the reader give the guesser his word - Have the reader recite these three definitions to the guesser. - In one guess the guesser must guess the correct definition of this word. - If the guesser guesses incorrectly, he must drink. - If the guesser guesses correctly, all other participants must drink.

You’d wear a diaper for a week if…: I would never.

What You Need: 1 cup Bisquick pancake mix, 1 cup Funfetti Super Moist cake mix, 3 (or more) tablespoons rainbow sprinkles, 1 cup milk, 1 teaspoon vanilla, 2 eggs, 2 1/2 cups powdered sugar, 2 teaspoons milk, other toppings you think would be great on pancakes, like chocolate chips (or fruit, we guess). Cook Time: 20 to 30 minutes. Fatty Factor: They’re pretty, just like you are on the inside. Let’s Get Baked! - Heat your skillet over medium-high heat. - Grease with cooking spray or butter. - In a bowl, mix together the pancake mix, cake mix, rainbow sprinkles, milk, vanilla and eggs until blended. Be sure to not over-blend (something a mom told us once, so trust). - Grab a 1/4 cup measuring cup, and pour slightly less than that onto the hot griddle. - Cook until the edges start to dry and get bubbly. Don’t overcrowd the pan with pancakes unless you want one massive pancake (fine by us). Remember, patience is a virtue. - Flip those puppies over, and cook until golden brown. - Meanwhile, make your glaze by mixing together the powdered sugar and milk. - Top your stack of pancakes with glaze and add additional sprinkles and other toppings.

The Game Ends When: You make it from A to Z.

You’re definitely going to want to Instagram the end result. Bitches love sprinkles and #specialtimecakes.

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!

NOMNOMNOMNOM THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

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HOOKING-UP WITH YOUR TA: THE FIVE STAGES BLACK SHEEP STAFF WROTE THIS Banging your TA is probably on your college bucket list, as it should be. You had a teacher in high school that you totally wanted to bone but the age gap was way too wide, and he was married with two kids. So now, here, in college, this is your time—now there’s someone who is your academic superior, but closer to you in age: Your TA. Just know that it’s not all sunshine and perfect grades. Here are the five stages when you’re expecting some sweet lovin’ from your TA. Stage One: The Meeting: You’ve told yourself that in order to get laid consistently, it’s important that you’re easy and open to new experiences. It’s Monday, your favorite night to go out, and you’ve successfully made it into the knickers of some miscellaneous person you bonded with over shots at Rick’s. Rolling off of the foreign bed and crashing to the floor in a haze, you look at the clock and remember you have class in 40 minutes. It’s now that he mentions that he also has class… in the same building, same room. It’s your TA. Stage Two: Realization: Of course this isn’t just any class, this is COM 225, a class

on interpersonal communication that preaches how to achieve a healthy, safe relationship (spoiler alert: this situation is not what the professors advise). After laughing at the ridiculousness of your life until you have a well-sculpted six pack, you make your way to class with the partner, and you think everyone knows what you two were up to (they probably do). You sit in his eye line, and of course the topic is about falling in love, and the dangers of hookups and forming actual relationships, so you just keep giggling because there is nothing else to do except take notes. But why? You’re banging the TA.

going to bang for a half-hour, and leverage becomes commonplace: “you could come over, or I could accuse you of cheating on the next exam…” It’s pretty great, if you’re into that kind of thing. Whether they’re actually in charge of your grades or not, you’re going to do better on the next exam because you can take the Billy Madison approach to studying, stripping for the right answers. Hey, positive incentives work.

“Leverage becomes commonplace: ‘You could come over, or I could accuse you of cheating on the next exam...”

Stage Four: Weirdness: You thought this was going to be four-points and foreplay the whole time? Nope, it gets weird. One of you mentions a concept from class and things get uncomfortable. It actually occurs to you that this is your TA. It’s starting to seem a lot like banging your boss, except instead of monetary promotion, you just get a few extra points on your problem set. Like it or not, they’re one step above you once you walk in that lecture hall, and in the end, that sucks.

Stage Three: Continuation: After allowing this whole thing to actually sink in, it gets pretty awesome. Telling people you’re “going to office hours” means you’re

Stage Five: Ending It: Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end. It was a great run, definitely an experience for bragging, something to cross off the

bucket list, but you have bigger things to start doing. It’s time to focus on banging on the Compass, taking a dump at Bodillaz, and punching a Cavalier in the face. So you call it quits over a high five and exchange delightful pleasantries every Tuesday and Thursday, while keeping an eye out and making sure he’s not banging some other student, that shit is unacceptable.

So if you’re wondering what it’s like to get it on with a professor—that’s messed up, what is wrong with you? Just hook-up with a TA. They’re practically your age and generally do most of the stupid things you do, so it’ll work for a few weeks. Just remember, no one wants to be that person that married their TA. Gross.

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Can you find all the squirrels on this college campus? Email us at backpage@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

the crossword

famous michaels

ACROSS: 2) Legendary Chicago Bears football player and coach. 4) Michael Cera’s character in Arrested Development, two words. 5) What disesase does Michael J. Fox suffer from? 7) Mike Rowe, the host of Dirty Jobs, is on

which channel? 10) Michael Buble is from this Canadian province, two words. 12) Mike who? 13) Michael C. Hall played the lead in which HBO show? 15) Michael Jackson was born in this Indiana city.

DOWN: 1) He played Austin Powers (baby), two words. 3) This Michael is famous for his controversial documentaries. 5) The most decorated Olympic athlete. 6) What was Mike Sorrentino’s nickname on Jersey Shore? 8) Philadelphia Eagles quarterback who spent time in prison for illegal dog dighting. 9) Michael Jordan won 6 NBA Championships with this city’s team. 10) The current Mayor of New York City. 11) Mike’s makes what kind of hard beverage? 14) This Mike famously bit off a part of Evander Holyfield’s ear.

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the m.a.s.h.

oh come on, you remember how to play! tally some marks on the paper for as long as your brain tells you to, then count through the whole list and cross off whatever corresponds with that number. when there’s only one left in each category, boom, that’s your future. live it, love it.

You’re going on a trip to… - Seattle - Los Angeles - Tuscon - Omaha

The sick whip of choice is… - An old-school RV - A 2014 Ford Escape - A Boeing 757 - A Chevy Astrovan

The only bummer is… - there’s no gas in the tank. - you forgot your cell phone charger. - the vehicle is loud as hell. - you forgot a lighter.

WIth your very best friend… - Kitty Pryde - Miley Cyrus - Taylor Momsen - Michelle Obama

It’s pimped out with… - like, 100 televisions - stripper poles - plush, cheetah carpeting - disco balls

and her new boyfriend… - Jeff Garlin - Prince Harry - Carson Daly - Vladimir Putin

and the mini fridge is loaded with… - strawberries - canned cat food - Patron - 11-year aged Wisconsin cheddar

When you got to your destination, the first thing you did was… - take a friggin’ leak. - masturbate. - buy some damn Fritos. - do some yoga. The second thing you did was… - get mad wasted. - Instagram some scenic views. - smoke a joint. - look for the nearest strip club.

check! it out

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