The Black Sheep
FR E th E... e n Lik ew e y ro our dn so ey ul st ea whe ls n it.
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 3, Issue 4 10/18/12 - 10/24/12
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How to Avoid the Jalapeno Pepper-Panted Plunderers
Nick Wright wrote this
Unless you’re been living under a rock or you’re stoned out of your mind, you might have noticed a string of robberies that may or may not involve knives, jalapeño pepper pants, and dumb students not knowing what the hell is going on. The past week there were 7 reported robberies, which sounds bad and scary, but just how stupid do you have to be to get robbed by these people who are robbing students while wearing jalapeño pepper pants? Not to blame the victims here, but do you see how many people walk around with headphones on, just staring at their phones? Honestly, if I were the jalapeño pepper-panted bastard that’s exactly the type of person I would go for. They’re like little lambs walking out to be slaughtered, except they’re taking photos of their slaughter on Instagram. Of course, The Black Sheep isn’t saying that people deserve to get robbed. That would be some messed up shit. We’re just saying, VCU clearly isn’t Pleasantville, and if you just walk around not paying attention, you’re going to be targeted. Walk in well-lit areas, walk in groups, don’t count your money as you walk home – basically, do all the stuff everyone is telling you to do. If you don’t want to get robbed, act like you dont want to get robbed. Let’s get to the core of all of these robberies. As mentioned previously, the robber has been described as wearing pants with jalapeños on them, and it’s probably safe to say that reporting a robbery by a man with jalapeño pants would probably be the low point of one’s day, if not their entire life. If it were some badass ninja who was super stealthy and did some sweet flips, you can just be like, “Okay, ninja, you got the best of me, better cut my losses and go cancel my credit cards.” But, if you cannot notice a man, or men, wearing pants with chili peppers on them, then we don’t even know what the hell to tell you. This man didn’t even have the vitality to get dressed up before robbing a bunch of kids. He literally rolled out of bed, thought “I think I’ll go rob some VCU students,” and then did – probably somewhere between microwaving mashed potatoes for breakfast and neglecting to change the batteries in his smoke alarm. Because we all think we’re safe in this nice little bubble that is Commons, we are easy targets.
(A) Big Brother is Watching
The lesson to be learned is simple: be aware. Take the 15 minutes of your walk between classes to not be plugged in. Get off the grid! Look around, breath the air, eavesdrop on hot girls – it’s a nice change of pace. Hell, you should be so aware that people mistake you for being a hallucinating crackhead. If branches snap somewhere near you, start jogging. If you see someone running behind you, start running as well – maybe you’ll become friends! It’s common sense, and can save you from losing everything from that old condom you will definitely use at some point this year to your student ID.
what’s inside
Long story short, just by being aware, being crazy paranoid, or being a damn pansy keeps you much safer than thinking that nothing can happen to you. We all can learn a lesson from the spooky VCU crime alerts and remember that crime doesn’t happen to “dumb” people or sketchy people, it just happens to people. So the best you can do is try to not be a stupid asshole. Be safe, carry pepper spray, and adopt a pit bull or something.
Just when you thought it was safe to pee on campus property, some perv is watching you.
No Scrubs: Why Dating at VCU Sucks
The Writing Process
Wait, when doesn’t dating suck?
Or why you can’t write for this paper.
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contents page 5: Don’t Be “That Guy”: People You Will Inevitably Sit Next to in Class
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
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This presupposes you actually go to class.
page 6: The Top Ten Ways yo College-Ify Your Halloween
Table of
Sluts, man. Mostly sluts.
page 7: From the streets We all know it’s inevitable; so what would you do if zombies overtook The Fan?
page 12: Bartender of the Week Dianna at Mojo’s is sad life isn’t like Coyote Ugly.
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Moments later the walls dripped with blood as Zombie Steve cried a single tear of loneliness.
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word of the week
Guyser: The urine stream of a man who hasn’t used a restroom in over five hours.
“After downing that yardstick of beer, Rob’s guyser allowed him to pee into a urinal from the opposite side of the bathroom.”
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(A) Big Brother Is Watching
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Rachel Sutton wrote this Okay, not so much Big Brother, but more so any idiot with internet access and time to kill. VCU is known for a variety of pretty awesome services: free movies at Commons on the weekends, Jenga played with 2x4’s in the compass every Friday, and we can’t forget the ridiculously blatant “sermons” that various religious leaders invade the compass with, which just boil down to “you’re all going to hell.” They always pass out free Bibles though, so it’s almost not offensive. Who doesn’t like free shit? Well, allow us to introduce you to the most free and intrusive VCU service in the history of college services: the “Ramcam.” For those of you not familiar with the Ramcams, it’s not a very niche porn genre centering around a specific camera angle, but rather a twelve-camera interactive system operating through the VCU web services website. These cameras are mounted on the rooftops of parking garages and popular buildings, with access to just about the entire campus. All you have to do is go to the Ramcam page and click on whichever camera calls your name, and not only can you watch what the camera records, but you can control it! You can direct the camera up or down, left or right, creepy or creepier for anywhere from twenty to thirty seconds. But if there aren’t any other people in the Ramcam queue, you can control it as long as you want. Bored drunks at a party
last week made this all too clear to anyone with control of their frontal lobe, when they hijacked every computer in the house to control cameras showing the compass, commons, and Monroe Park. What a cool service, right? That’s what I thought the first five seconds after I saw it. And then all those cyber safety assemblies from middle school overtook the inebriated wonderland spreading throughout my skull like a violent siege on everything good in the world. You don’t even have to log in to gain access to these cameras. You don’t have to be associated with the school to go toe-to-toe with the CIA by spying on the general public. Theoretically, some bald middle-aged guy living in his parents’ basement in Norway could take a look at students on campus. Not to mention lunatic exes, that with the click of a button could stalk you across campus with your new boo from the safety of their Panera booth. The web services site boasted that eleven of these Ramcams were viewed a record 28,329 times almost a year and a half ago in April 2011, just after the VCU Rams made it into the Final Four. Before that, the record was 21,590, during March Madness of that same year. Suddenly all that national press we got back in the day seems a little creepy, huh? And didn’t any of you see Eagle Eye? Yes, yes, Shia LeBeouf is just so mainstream these days, but it was a better flick than the latest Transformers, and who better than the
former star of Even Stevens to teach us the dangers of free access to information in the Information Age? Regardless of your personal views, we can all agree that we’d rather not be stalked and blackmailed to blow up the first tier of government, just because a super intelligent computer hijacked all the surveillance cams it could find. This whole Ramcam thing reeks of 1984, but as creepy as it is, I bet the majority of you fine readers will race to the VCU web services site to check them out after finishing this article, if you even get this far. Go crazy guys; I just hope I don’t see your picture on CNN in a couple months for your notorious disappearance.
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Don’t be “That Guy”: People you will inevitably sit next to in class Aaron Stein wrote this Hey you? Yeah you, guy who makes the professor drag on for another ten minutes after we’re all set to leave: Give a nice thorough lick to my ballsack. No one cares that you can’t understand that blue books are unnecessary for the exam. Worse, the professor already said we don’t need them like five times. We don’t want to hate you (we don’t want to expend energy on hating you) but you insist on being a dickhead, so now you’ve gone and forced us (all of us who are now forced to hate you) to publish an article in The Black Sheep about what an asshole you are. Of course you aren’t one person, per se. We all have that classmate that makes an already boring lecture that much more unbearable. Naturally, you come in all sorts of flavors. You all lead to headaches and a chorus of groans: Whether you’re that one jackass asking one last question right after the professor proclaims that class can be let out early if there are no last questions, or that guy/girl that always walks in 45 minutes late to a 50 minute class. Whatever the plague-like disturbance may be, the end result is the same - a collection of people trying to murder you with their thoughts. “Why?” you ask them, but there is no answer. Some men simply want to watch the world burn. One individual that makes class simply awkward is the stomach grumbler. Everyone knows this person: they go all class without making a peep, but the second there is any sort of pause, their stomach will begin to creep out from the depth of their intestines and let loose the most horrific, inhuman
growl known to man. And it’s not just that it’s irritating, but it’s so unbelievably awkward and uncomfortable. Everyone will pretend they didn’t hear it, but they did. They heard every part of that stomach attempting a crusade against your hunger – eat a damn sandwich before class, good god. If it’s not the stomach making dead animal noises, the hard breather will surely get under your skin. The only remotely positive act about this attribute is that you will always know that this person is alive, you’re not unknowingly sitting next to a dead body. But damn, learn to breathe correctly. We can understand snoring because you’re asleep and have no control, but you’re fully awake and conscious, you should be able to breathe without sounding like an angry rhino on the verge of an orgasm. It seems like every day when you go to class, there are plenty of open seats - there’s never really an issue as far as space goes. However, on test day, that shit goes right out the window. Not only is there no space, but the seat you have been sitting in all semester long is now being occupied by someone who forgot they were even signed up for the course. These people are pretty easy to spot: They look completely unfamiliar, because this is the first day that they’ve come to class in weeks (or months). They are also the ones hyperventilating, and then try to ask you to give them a crash course of the material in under three minutes. These people are simply a nuisance; everyone (you, the rest of the class, shit even them) knows that they’re not going
pass the test, but we also know we won’t see them again until the next exam. There’s not much to say at this point other than please don’t be “that guy.” If your find yourself listed above we’re sorry to say that you are a hated classmate and peer. It’s not necessarily you personally, but your antics make us hate you. Dumb, late, and hated is no way to go through life.
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The Top 10
ways to college-ify your Halloween 10.) A Thought-out, Prepared, Slutty Costume: When shopping for a costume, go with something unique. There are far too many slutty nurses, cops and fire fighters, that make us think there’s some terrible slutty emergency going on, like a slutty robbery or a slutty fire. Choose something more unique, like a slutty dental hygienist or slutty Oscar the Grouch.
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No Scrubs: Why Dating at VCU Sucks
VCU Staff wrote this The chances of snapping a picture of a Yeti might be a lot easier than snagging and trapping a lifelong partner at VCU. Eating all the French fries and drinking thick strawberry milkshakes to achieve the elusive Boardwalk sticker to match your Park Place could be less stressful than discovering true love inside the Commons. And for those who’ve already sneezed out this notion, bless your souls! For others who have yet to accept this inevitable catastrophe, then hurry, destroy your Love, Actually and The Notebook DVDs—because Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams are not in your Biology 151 class. Save yourselves from love’s apocalypse.
9.) Beer O’Lanterns: The sophisticated college gentleman or lady doesn’t have time to gut giant pumpkins. Instead, just carve faces into empty beer boxes and proudly display them in your dorm. In lieu of candles, just put flaming shots inside to light your pumpkin doppelganger. If these don’t get you laid, they’ll at least start a fire and get slutty fire fighters to come over. 8.) Bobbing for Condoms: Bobbing for apples is boring, give the game a sexy shake-up! Just be extra careful that no one chokes or drowns - a dead girl surrounded by condoms is never a good thing. Wait until later when you can drown her in compliments and suffocate her with charm. 7.) The Drunken Mummy: Ladies, are you tired of boys making you bob for condoms? You should be able to have some fun too, so try this: Pretend to seduce guys with your friends and say it’s “sooo hot” when guys wrap themselves up like mummies. To really get the party started cover them in booze! By the end of the night you can have 20 guys wrapped up like idiots drunkenly bumping into things. 6.) Vodka Candy Apples: Put a spin on your family tradition! Just stir some vodka into melted caramel and dip in your apples to perfection. A 50/50 ratio of caramel to booze should suffice. It probably won’t stick to the apples, but who cares? Just get hammered on caramel booze and throw the apples at cars. 5.) Haunted Frat House: Haunted houses are a must, but be sure to make it a little fratty. Put a bro in each room so that he can freak you out with his peer pressure and bulging biceps. If a giant dude in a Magic Mike costume yelling “CHUG, CHUG, CHUG!” doesn’t scare you, I’m afraid you’re not human.
For those who recently hopped off of the dreadful S.S. RelationShip, congratulations. You did yourself a gigantic favor. (Your happiness package just shipped from Amazon and will be at your door in 7 to 10 business days.) You won’t have to ever worry about paying with that emotional currency until after you graduate. You were all duped for a split-second into thinking that the bait in front of your faces was real honest-to-god love. That false emotion was the well-concealed barb that hooked your mouth for a wild battle of tugging and dragging, a theory you know as “Pain is Love,” and we’re not talking 2001 Ja Rule. Each gender has different coping mechanisms, Males tend to try to forget about their exes by driving downtown on weekends with their crews, hoping to pick up ladies on the rebound. Females also travel in packs, but switch it up a lot more than guys. They keep their options open: “Tonight we’ll swing by Kroger to purchase Ben and Jerry ice cream buckets, a bottle of wine and a Redbox rental to celebrate our singlehood. We don’t feel like taking hours to get ready. Too tired to perform the rehearsed tease-and-please show at Lucky Buddha’s; sorry boys, maybe next time!” And if you’re wondering why the parties you’re at are always sausage fests, let’s hope this answered that question.
4.) Over-the-Top Vandalism: As an adult, people expect your Halloween pranks to be incredibly mean and dangerous, so now’s the time to turn things up. Throw some beer bottles through windows, slash some tires, and give out broken glass to trick or treaters. Candy will work in a pinch, but don’t forget to pee on it! 3.) Never Ending Drunken Corn Mazes: To make your Halloween corn maze is a smash hit, make sure there’s no exits and every dead end has a near impossible drinking game. “You hit a dead end, take five shots in your butt!” By the end, you and your friends should be super wasted and fall out of that corn maze glad to be alive. 2.) Petite Pumpkin Shooters: Make getting drunk a bit more festive by hollowing out tiny pumpkins and gourds into pumpkin shooters. Now drinking in the streets is a breeze! Should you get stopped by an authority figure, just smash your squishy chalice in his face and run. Public intoxication isn’t a big deal, but assaulting a cop is, so run fast! 1.) Trick or Boozing: As you get older, people give you stranger and angrier looks as you beg for candy. As an adult you can just go to peoples’ houses and they’ll be obligated to offer you a drink - it’s common courtesy! If they don’t, just yell TRICK and burst in through the door. Rummage through their liquor cabinet and take what you can carry. Remember: it’s not illegal, because it’s Halloween!
TBS Staff wrote this
From the chart above we see that female undergraduates would need to test their luck and land a “true man” from a pool of 9,553 “boys.” Out of the 9,553 strapping and handsome, they’ll have to weed out assholes, the douchebags, the toomanly, the-not-manly-enough, and other negative characteristics that “typical guys” possess. If we round to the nearest whole number, for every two males, there are three girls. Sounds like a great bargain for you men who have marriage on your minds, right? Wrong.
As parents preach the importance of graduating on time, many strong-minded first-years enter their college lives prioritizing wisely, managing their time with utmost care. They learned in high school that emotionally attachment means downfall, distraction. No scrubs, so to speak. For the sexually active, cramming their exhausted minds won’t pay off—as much as they had fun the night before getting crammed. The concept of “soul mate” has definitely taken a U-turn in the last decade. Usher used to sing, “you make me wanna,” a song about how difficult it was for him to remain loyal to his significant other, and over time loosened his grip by, “making love in this club.” Thanks, Usher, for setting a great example for the youth. The big “C” word hasn’t even been mentioned, and a lot of you are making your way for the exit. The classic story portrays a young Mr. Krueger meeting the love of his life. Even that doesn’t last long with newfound issues in the bedroom. Fingering problems causes this cute couple to break up, and no matter how much young Fred was willing to sacrifice his love for her, she couldn’t handle the inconvenience. To commit, according to Webster, is to “place in a prison or mental institution.” Maybe that’s the extremes we students have to go now to prove a point. And with this jaded society, who on campus will want to climb the impossible Mt. Everest of Love with a partner for years to say they outwitted the content of this article? Please try and prove me wrong. Sure, write me a letter. Yes, Vlog about it. As for now, if you’re stuck in a black hole, no matter how dim the light at the end of the tunnel, keep climbing. We’ll congratulate you when you wake up after an epiphany. To the single ladies, date a Korean man. Kudos to those who fight every minute, not with each other, but against The Black Sheep cynic who wrote this in his room… on a Saturday night. #Singleforever.
From the Streets
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Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
We all know it’s inevitable; so what would you do if zombies overtook The Fan? “One killer game of hide and seek; find a safe place and chill.” - Brian L.
“Set my zombie survival plan in motion. After all these years, I’m going to finally get to use it!” - John M.
“Obviously I’m going to get wasted and party in my zombie-proof bunker.” - Joben M.
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
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page 9
The Black Sheep Guide to the Apocalypse: Election Edition Phil McCracken wrote this November 6th marks the 57th Presidential Election in the United States of America. It’s hard to get a consensus from Americans on who should govern the greatest country in the world for the next four years, but one thing everyone can agree on is that if the WRONG/ RIGHT man is elected, it’s the end of the world. We are incredibly smart people at The Black Sheep, yes. But with great smart comes great responsibility. We can’t tell you who to vote for, but we CAN tell you what will happen if you let the wrong person into the White House: the end times. If the wrong man gets into the White House this year, you can count on rampant baby killing/ mandatory ovary surrender for all Americans, and every Sunday will be spent in state-sanctioned church/burning all Christian institutions to the ground. Obviously, we can’t let this happen. But what can we do? PREPARATION: Register to vote. In the battle against the homophobic/successaphobic monster, the only bullet the not-wrong candidate has is your vote. If you don’t register or you think your candidate has it in the bag/isn’t that great anyway, you may as well give a vote over to the other guy, and we all know where that leads: China collecting their debt by selling your sister as a sex slave to Russia; the government placing all gays, women, Muslims, Jews, atheists, Mexicans and poor people in internment camps. Register, yes, but remember to prepare for the worst: stock up on birth control, soap, booze, Korans, porn, freedom; guns, Bibles, straight sex, soda, crucifixes and freedom, just in case. Also toilet paper. You’re really going to want toilet paper when the government/world collapses.
THE BATTLE: You are only one voter in a country with around 150 million other voters. That can be disheartening. But do not let your heart be troubled, little hobbit. There are many ways to make sure your vote counts! For example, the night of November 5th, go to every Republican/Democrat house you know and nail the doors shut so they can’t get out to vote for the antichrist/antimuhammad. You could steal the identity of every American that’s ever died and vote a billion times in a row. You could volunteer as a campaign intern for the wrong guy and act like a complete idiot on TV, just to screw up Romney/Obama fans. The possibilities are as endless as your willingness to steal other people’s ideas. Whatever you do will be totally justified as long as it helps prevent the war on women/the war on Jesus. THE AFTERMATH: If the wrong man gets elected President of the United States, you may as well move to Canada/your summer home in the Cayman Islands. That’s just all progress toward equal rights/a balanced federal budget gone straight to Hell/ whatever secret hippie Muslims believe is the opposite of secret hippie Muslim heaven. Say goodbye to condoms and healthcare/Christmas and small businesses, and hello to 1950s era civil rights/a thousand years of darkness as promised by Chuck Norris himself. If the wrong man gets elected it’s possible - nay, likely - that he will personally end your way of life with his stash of guns/telekinesis. If you feel at all threatened, you must disguise yourself as a homeless minority on welfare/WASP for the next four years to avoid persecution.
The stakes are incredibly high this election. We can no longer stand idly by as politicians threaten to plunge us into another bloody war/ kill all our fetuses. It’s our duty as Republicans/Democrats - nay, as Americans - to keep the wrong man out of our pockets/uteruses and make sure this powerful/peace-loving nation is in a fit condition to pass on to our children/grandparents on Medicare/Oh my God you did not go there/Oh, like you’re any better, manipulating everyone with your children talk/Well, we won’t have any left if your kind keeps aborting/And we won’t have any grandparents left if your guy’s economic plan goes through/His economic plan is sensible and I’m sick of paying for lazy assholes like you to go to the doctor/Real nice, and I guess you’re sick of paying for schools in struggling areas too/The MARKET will speak for the distribution of federal funds/America is not a business you goddamn idiot/ Maybe it would be in better shape right now if we ran it like one, you socialist prick/I’ll kill your face/I’ll kill your religion/I’ll kill your baby/I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT, OBAMA IS A BABY KILLER/ROMNEY HATES POOR PEOPLE/It is so on, baby-killer/See you at the polls, homophobe/ I KNOW YOU ARE BUT WHAT AM I?
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5 horrors of Higher Academia that Will Probably definitely Happen on your Campus, Too Penn State: Betsy Aardsma
University of Georgia:
Anna Hamilton/Susie Caruthers
The Facts: Young Betsy was a regular young English major, and like any young English major she was spending a late night in the stacks, researching an upcoming paper. Innocently using the stacks the way they’re supposed to be used (not getting high in, or having sex, you sickos) she was stabbed through the heart by two men – who have yet to be found to this day. The Legend: The aisle where Betsy was stabbed is still in use today. Amongst recordings and strange reports coming out of current students, there was one student who had been researching books in the same aisle, and later woke up to a strong sensation of being strangled – whether he was just hiding his autoerotic asphyxiation habit or not is up to you. The Fear: Every campus has an old library that for some ungodly reason still keeps Japanese criticisms of Dutch interpretations of Moby Dick around – it’s the never-ending labyrinth higher education. Since the Internet can’t always provide you with
streamlined porn and Moby Dick interpretations, you have your lug your ass to the library stacks. Alone and confused in the dark, you are extremely susceptible to being stabbed and left for dead, as the rickety librarian leads EMTs to the spot she thinks you might be. There aren’t cameras, and no one knows you’re there… better prepare to make it your place of eternal agitation.
Illinois Central College: Crampton Hall The Facts: A university resident hall, Crampton Hall, was built in 1873 - a cursed year that saw Levi Strauss and Jacob Davis receive a patent for using copper rivets to reinforce work pants. Built to house 69 men, this dormitory has a history of men being trapped in closets. This should surprise no one. The Legend: Two reports of similar tales occurring on different dates exist. In one, a young man is found dead in his closet, hanged in such a way that he could not have done it himself. The other tale has several men pre-gaming in a dorm room. When the bros finally decide to roll out to find some hoes, they call on another
bro. Entering his room, the find him tied up in a closet, upside down, naked, and incoherent. The Fear: Closets are necessary for any modern man or woman. Without them, clothing would be strewn willy-nilly across a room that’s already breathtakingly small. They’re a necessary evil—housing everything from t-shirts earned through intramural sport to t-shirts received by signing up for various campus clubs. Closets aren’t going anywhere. Hell, there’s probably a closet in whatever room you’re reading this in right now, dear reader. If you’re lucky, there’s even a naked dude in it.
California State University Channel Islands The Facts: Opened in 2002, Cal State Channel Islands is housed in a series of buildings previously known as Camarillo State Mental Hospital—an insane asylum. This seemed like a good idea to someone somewhere who had never seen a scary movie in his life. The Legend: A variety of ghostly occurrences have happened on the campus, from ghosts dancing in the light only to disappear, to ghosts of the crazy and the dead wandering the grounds. Basically, a lot of ghosts doing scary stuff in a scary place. Also, the cafeteria food at this place is supposed to be pretty sub-par. Stay away from the Italian Veggie soup, it’s definitely not made from scratch. The Fear: What’s the point of even eating soup if it’s coming out of a big plasti—Oh, the ghost stuff. Well, what’s terrifying about that is, we can’t prove whether or not ghosts exist; so even
The Facts: Two ghosts are known to haunt different sorority houses on the University of Georgia campus. First is Anna Hamilton, who witnessed her boyfriend get murdered, then buried under the steps of the Phi Mu house. Then, at the Alpha Gamma Delta house, one Susie Caruthers hung herself in the attic after being stood up on her wedding day. The Legend: Girls have reported being able to communicate with Anna, and many hear her crying in empty rooms of the house or at the top of the stairs. Susie’s ghost is a little more active, as she glares at people through the attic’s windows, walks around the attic, moves furniture around, and turns lights on and off – typical ghost stuff. The Fear: Who knows what history the building you live in holds. You moved in at the beginning of the year - but think of all the prior occupants, all the creepy energies that have moved in and out, slept where you sleep, hung themselves in the closet you drunkenly peed in last weekend. Ignorance is bliss, sure, but maybe you should think about why all your drawers got pulled out, instead of blaming your drunken self. Maybe you should think twice next time you privately masturbate on Sunday mornings – someone could be watching.
Manhattanville College: Marissa Pagli The Facts: Marissa Pagli was killed in 2010 by her own mother after a domestic argument in the staff housing apartment they shared on campus. Marissa’s mother stated she killed her daughter because Marissa was “disrespectful all the time.” Remember kids, bitches be crazy. The Legend: Other than the mother’s vague reasoning, there’s no real rhyme or reason to this murder. A note that explains the motive has not been released to the public, and the family’s life was seen as stable prior to the murder. Out loud this time, class: bitches be crazy.
though the idea of one is kind of stupid, someone could just go and be all, “But you can’t prove they don’t exist!” and they’d be right about that, giving them some sense of self-satisfaction even though they haven’t proven their crackpot conspiracy theory, and the look of smugness that will inevitably creep across their face is just the worst.
The Fear: It’s a cold, dark night at State University and you’re in your room alone when someone knocks. You quickly minimize the pornography on your computer screen and tiptoe to the door. A sense of dread washes over you as you whisper “Who is it?” hoping desperately that only silence comes from the other side. Then it happens, a response: “It’s… your mother.” Slowly, you begin to realize that you’re in college and you’re living with your parents. If that doesn’t make you want to die, nothing will.
the interview
owen
Owen is the solo project of Chicago-based Mike Kinsella. Known for his soft melodies and complex acoustics, Kinsella is an influential force in the indie scene. His most recent album, Ghost Town, can be downloaded on iTunes or streamed at polyvinylrecords.com. Otherwise, catch him touring the east coast October through December. (Catch him on twitter @mybandOwen) By: Quinn The Black Sheep: Your first few bands were with your family - a couple with your brother and cousin, what started that? Did you guys start playing when you were little kids? Owen: Oh yeah, my brother is a couple of years older and he started a high school band that practiced in our basement. I would sit upstairs, pick up a guitar and try to play along. Then eventually they realized I could play all their songs, so I joined as second guitar... and then they were the only people I played for the first five years of my career. TBS: You eventually had to take over, because you’re pretty damn good at guitar. Owen: The other guy is actually way better at guitar than I am - Victor Villarreal, and he’s played in multiple bands as well - he’s pretty fantastic. TBS: But you’ve got some pretty intricate guitar tabs and lyrics one must pay attention to, does that call for a more intimate crowd? Do you ever get frustrated with bigger crowds? Owen: Yeah, [laughs] I shouldn’t say this, but it used to bum me out, like depress me. Every so often I’d get crabby and make an asshole remark on stage or something. But I’ll just play my songs for the people trying to pay attention - so I play the best I can for them. TBS: So you’ve moved from recording in a studio, to recording at home, and back to the studio. What did you like about recording at home? Owen: I wanted to learn how to do it, first of all. I think it helped me understand, helped me write songs - to understand the process of recording them. Like putting different layers on top of things, the capabilities of cutting and pasting and looping. But eventually I got too stagnant, and I never got too good at it, so I thought I should probably just pay the professionals. I spent too much time setting up mics and looking for the sound I heard in my head. Someone who knows what they’re doing could do it in their first try. TBS: Are there any songs that work a lot in the studio, but don’t transfer to the live show? Owen: Oh yeah, I mean most of them [laughs], it’s kind of a joke and kind of not - there are a bunch of songs that I never bothered learning after they went on the album, because halfway through the song another guitar or something comes in that completely changes the song - so if we did that live there’s no effect - it’s either not going to be there or not be the same effect. TBS: I saw that you played at Heads And Threads? (Ed. Note: Heads and Threads is a shoddy wig shop in Chicago.) Owen: Oh yeah. TBS: What was that? That is insane. Owen: We were just looking for random places that would make for an interesting setting, and we walked by and saw the heads in there. My buddy went in and asked if it was okay - there were a couple old Asian ladies and they’re like yeah, that’s fine... So I played basically to them, whoever else walked into the store, and a bunch of fake heads. TBS: For your most recent album, Ghost Town, you were married and had just become a father, did that affect the album at all? Owen: Definitely changed the content of the lyrics - instead of talking about failed relationships and pining over girls - it’s more about being in a relationship, and the good things and struggles with that. Having a kid is a total mindfuck, like, a lot of my stuff is faith-based: me struggling with not having a faith, but wanting to have one. You want there to be an afterlife and a purpose to all this, so it definitely changes the content. Like my daughter is going to a Catholic preschool, so she’ll come home and ask things like “Can we sing songs about the father?” She doesn’t really know what that means, so it’s kind of funny. TBS: You’re pretty active on Twitter. How has that changed your relationship with the fans? Owen: I like Twitter; my Facebook page isn’t really me, but my Twitter is. There are some days where I don’t really post anything, then I’ll have a couple beers, watch a movie, and post like a hundred things. It can be a very personal thing, nothing bums me out more than when I follow someone I think highly of, and all they do is try to sell you stuff or promote stuff… And I’ll post when I have a show in different places, but I don’t want to bombard people with that administrative stuff. TBS: So where can people buy shirts and records and stuff? Owen: You can pretty much find everything at polyvinylrecords.com!
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
it’s always sunny in philadelphia thursday, october 18 at 10pm on fx
Season 8’s second episode features Frank (Danny DeVito) concocting a plan to undercut Philly’s tough garbage men’s union so he can get the contract to collect the city’s trash. This may be a worse get-rich-quick scheme than the kitten mittens in season 5, but we’re damn excited to see how it’s not going to work out.
paranormal activity 4 in theaters october 19
The 4th installment of the popular film franchise follows a teenage narrator Alice (Kathryn Newton) and her family. They get some mad creeps when Katie and Hunter (of PA: 2 fame) move in next door. When creepy Katie goes to the hospital, Alice’s mother takes Hunter into the house, where shit predictably goes down in a terrifying way.
Kendrick Lamar - Good Kid, M.a.a.d. City in stores october 23
Compton-raised Kendrick Lamar may have a slew of wellreceived mixtapes and EPs under his belt, but his first major label record is the icing on the cake for the up-and-coming hip-hop artist. Collaborating with industry legends like Pharrell and Dr. Dre, Lamar’s much-anticipated album will discuss his life in the infamous city of Compton. Did you know a crazy motherfucker named Ice Cube lives there?
page 12
theblacksheeponline.com
bartender of the week Dianna S. Mojo’s How long have you been bartending around here: I started as soon as I turned 21, so about seven years ago, and I’ve loved it.
Do you have to stay sober on the clock or do you get to party with the regulars: Oh no, I definitely have to stay sober when I’m serving.
How crowded does it usually get in here: You know, it really depends. Late night is always pretty crazy but whenever there are shows at the Landmark, we get slammed.
If someone wanted to get messed up but only had money for about three drinks, what would you recommend: Long Island iced tea, four horsemen, or even a straight shot of 151 would get the job done.
What’s your most popular drink: That’s a tough one; probably flavored vodka drinks but definitely margaritas on Tuesdays. I make one badass margarita.
What’s your favorite thing about bartending in Richmond: Just talking and interacting with people really. The social aspect makes it really fun; most days it doesn’t even feel like work.
Who was the craziest customer you’ve ever encountered: Once upon a time one of our drunken regulars with a Napoleon complex got wasted and started yelling his head off. It got intense.
In your bartending expertise, what do you think is the best hangover food: Anything greasy! Tons of people come in for the budget burgers or cheese steak next door; anything greasy works wonders. Drink-wise, mimosas and bloody Marys are great.
Is real life anything like Coyote Ugly: No, I wish! Though my friends have tried to get me up on the bar a few times. Do you get a lot of tips or is the RVA crowd a little stingy: Tips are good; it can be a slow night and I can still make really good money.
the drinking game
BAC - Tosh.08 Comedy Central has a tendency to play day-long marathons of reruns before getting to the shows people actually want to watch (South Park). If you’re lucky, you’ll turn on Comedy Central to find a run of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia or Futurama episodes. However, if you’re not so lucky you will be forced to watch a marathon of a naked Daniel Tosh making tasteless dick jokes. Doesn’t he know that’s our job? What You’ll Need: Cans of beer or mixed drinks, whatever you so desire. Number of Players: As many people you can find that like drinking and internet videos. Level of Intoxication: If you follow all of the rules than you should be as drunk as the average idiot in most internet videos. How to Play: Take one drink when: -Somebody hurts themselves in a video. -Something is blurred/bleeped out. -Tosh makes a self-deprecating joke. Take two drinks when: -Tosh makes a racist joke. -Tosh hints at his homosexuality.
Take three drinks when: -Tosh says, “And for that, we thank you.” -Somebody in a video is speaking Russian. -Somebody in a video is clearly almost killed. Finish your drink when: -Tosh is fully nude. -Tosh’s “20 Seconds on the Clock” actually lasts more than 20 seconds. -The word “Reddit” is spoken.
The Game Ends When: Karmic justice comes around and he’s decapitated by Islamic fundamentalists on video.
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What’s your busiest day or holiday: Of all time would be the night of the Daniel Tosh show, we got slammed. But Best Friends’ Day is probably the busiest on a yearly base.
Recipe for Disaster
Bacon Chocolate Chip Cookies This is one that you’ll want to share with friends, but if you have no friends, you can still put yourself up to the challenge. That challenge being a competition between your arteries and your colon to see which one can get clogged first. What You’ll Need: ¾ cups flour, ½ teaspoon baking soda, ¾ teaspoon baking powder, ½ cup plus 2 tablespoons butter, ½ cup plus 1 tablespoon sugar, ½ cup plus 2 tablespoons brown sugar, 1 egg, 1 teaspoon vanilla extract, ½ cup chocolate (dark, for you wild and crazy types) morsels, 8 slices of crispy bacon Cook Time: Approximately 35 minutes. Fatty Factor: Didn’t you read the intro, fatty? Let’s Get Baked: - Toss the flour, baking soda, and powder into a bowl. - Whip that butter and sugar good until you get a nice, fluff-like concoction. Add an egg for good measure and go all Devo on it. Give that vanilla some love too. - Your flour/baking soda/powder mix is feeling lonely. Toss it in with the wet stuff. - Douse that sucker generously with chocolate and bacon (make this phrase a part of everyday life). - Let this all sit in the fridge for a day. - Preheat your oven and line a baking sheet with parchment paper. - Scoop your mix and cup some balls. - Bake ‘em to your perfection for around 20 minutes, and let them cool before devouring. It’ll take a few minutes for the stroke to kick in but when it does, just ride out the storm.
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page 13
The Writing Process
Aaron Stein wrote this
It’s not as easy as simply looking out into the blue Rocky Mountains and being inspired to write the single greatest prose to ever grace our generation. Generally, it takes a lot of blank, dumfounded facial expression staring onto a blank page before any sort of vague idea becomes a possibility. Although the fact that we live nowhere near the Rocky Mountains surely doesn’t help either. The writing process is a long, dreary, and somewhat depressing task. In a sense, writing sucks. People, for some godforsaken reason, have these unreal, insane images of writers. Allow us to clarify that we do not: sit on the side of Niagara Falls waiting for inspiration to miraculously enter our frontal lobes, drink ourselves into an obnoxious stupor because we feel the drink will bring out our subconscious in some out-of-this world creative way, nor do we drop copious amounts of LSD and sit in pitch black rooms painted black with vibrant flowers listening to Pink Floyd and pondering our very existence in some existentialist way. For starters, this would simply make writing more of an inconvenience and a buzz kill rather than a creative edge. And secondly, that just sounds too damn involved - we’re writing thoughts down on paper, not writing War and Peace. Have you ever stared at a math problem for so long that the world no longer makes sense, and you momentarily fall into a deep abyss of self-loathing? Well, that’s what it’s
like to write. First, it starts with the brainstorming. A group of so-called writers sit in a tight room trying to come up with topics, anything from a Gangnam Style flash-mob to thoughts of murder during rush hour. After about ten minutes of brainstorming someone will undoubtedly say something that leaves everyone baffled with amusement, and then the entire conversation will switch to said topic for the next twenty minutes. Eventually, some buffoon will redirect the conversation back on track, where everyone will then sit in silence for an extremely awkward seven minutes or so, shifting uncomfortably in their chairs, giggling periodically in the afterglow of a funny topic (or maybe because they’re uncomfortable). After all topics and been fanned around and taken with grim agreement, everyone sorts out and starts the tiring task of putting in all on paper. The refrigerator always seems like a good place to look for inspiration. As we sit, wide-eyed, jaw dropped, and with a look of utter failure - the blank page appears to be an extremely intimidating force. In an attempt to jog the brain we stand up, walk to refrigerator, open the door and stare… and stare some more. Without grabbing anything we return to our blank page where we resume the stare down. This pattern continues for quite a bit with very little change except for, perhaps, a trip to the bathroom to see if those walls decide to talk and provide some juicy intel. Eventually, a sentence will make its way onto paper, followed by another and so forth, until you finally have something tangible
to turn into the editor where failure again will be floating around the air. (Ed. note: Failure is usually scrubbed out by the third round of edits.) During the creation of this very piece we lost some great souls to the trenches of decadence. We did not have the luxury of renting a room in the middle of Colorado so we had to settle for the four walls of a converted storage closet. I dedicate this to my fallen cohorts; may heaven lack an adequate supply of loose-leaf paper.
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the quiz: what kind of trick-or-treater were you?
9-14 Points: The Kid Who Didn’t Dress Up
Every October 31st, people, normally kids, dress up and walk around collecting candy from strangers and neighbors because, well, America rules. But not every punk-ass kitty or pro-basketball player always played nice. Take our quiz to find out what kind of kid you were when you trick or treated back in the day.
8) Did you ever trade your candy? a) Not really. b) I always talked kids into giving me their Snickers for a stupid Tootsie Roll. c) Oh yeah! That was half the fun at the end of the night!
6) What did you use to collect your candy? a) The biggest pillowcase I could find! b) Eh, my pockets and… stuff. c) This lame bag my mom sewed for me.
9) On November 1st you see an elderly man cleaning up toilet paper in his lawn. How do you respond? a) I totally help to clean up. b) It’s not my problem, so I don’t care. c) I just giggle.
7) a=3, b=1, c=2 8) a=1, b=2, c=3
9) a=3, b=1, c=2
answer key
5) Who would you go trick-ortreating with? a) Just a few trustworthy friends... b) All sorts of kids from my group of friends and the neighborhood. c) A bunch of lame neighborhood kids.
5) a=2, b=3, c=1 6) a=3, b=2, c=1
3) What was your go-to last minute costume as a child? a) I’d just throw on a mask. b) A sports fan. c) I was always prepared and I never had some half-assed costume.
7) How would you respond to the old lady who handed out nickels? a) Aww, I thought it was still so sweet of her. b) I was like, “Whatever, can I leave yet?” c) I liked them, it made for great ammo.
Meet The Staff campus manager Jasmine Kent Editorial manager Gregory Alexander
pr/Marketing team Casey Burnett, Monique Brevard Deanna Celmer, Negeen Kianersi Christina Moore
campus director Brendan Bonham
Writers Daniel Park, Rachel Sutton Aaron Stein, Nick Wright Anthony Vealey
owner Atish Doshi
Social media manager Maya Nalli promotions manager Casey Burnett
15-21 Points: The Kid Who Tricked
An immature prick of a kid, you thought candy was dandy but toilet papering and egging a house was a lot more rewarding. The folks who left out a bowl of candy and relied on the honesty of kids to take only one piece got screwed over by your punk-ass. And to top it all off, handfuls of kids went home crying because you stole their candy just because you could. Today you have at least one misdemeanor under your belt, and have never stayed faithful to a significant other.
22-27 Points: The Kid Who Was Too Old
Even when you were of an appropriate age, you had an enthusiasm about Halloween that wasn’t seen amongst other kids. As you got older, you didn’t really know when, or how, to stop trick-or-treating, and you didn’t think it was a big deal. Most parents didn’t like that you still took their mini-Musketeers every October 31st, but no one could deny your passion. Today you have a lot of underage friends, and really don’t think the dorms are that bad!
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distribution manager Melvin Bernal
3) a=2, b=1, c=3 4) a=1, b=3, c=2
2) How far in advanced would you plan your costume? a) I’d start brainstorming in July and have a solid plan by September. b) A few days before, but then change my mind at the last minute. c) Like 10 minutes before I went out.
4) Did you ever do anything naughty on Devil’s Night? a) Nah, I’d be playing video games inside. b) No way, I’d be putting the final sequins on my costume. c) Smashing pumpkins was more than just a band name, after all.
1) a=1, b=3, c=2 2) a=3, b=2, c=1
1) What was your favorite part about Halloween as a child? a) School that day was a huuuuge joke. b) Everything!!! c) That pranking people was socially acceptable.
You cynical bastard. You were either too cool to care about a costume, or you really just had no desire to get off the couch for a few hours to gather free candy. When your parents forced you out, you barely threw a sheet over your head and shrieked “Boo!” to the smiling little old lady who still put a Bit-O-Honey in your basket. Today you spend a lot of time smoking weed on the couch, and have strong feelings about the election.
Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers, Evan Stone Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com
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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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