The Black Sheep FR
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... th Like e g th ro at un us e d rig d c ht on th do ere m o n .
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 3, Issue 7 11/8/12 - 11/14/12
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A Typical Timeline of the Day before a Deadline vcu staff wrote this
College students don’t lift a finger until the final 24 hours before a paper, project, or newspaper article is due. In those 24 hours, there is a very specific chain of events that must occur. Otherwise, the assignment will not get done, tears will be shed, tables will be flipped, and sobbing will occur. Hopefully, by exploring this sequence of events, you’ll be able to break free of this cycle and live a normal, productive life where you don’t do everything at the last minute. Technically speaking, everything starts the night before when you’re setting your alarm. You think you’ve got a pretty good, reasonable time set: not so early that you’ll be miserable, not too late so you’ll feel lethargic. 8 a.m. seems good, but then you check the clock and realize that it’s 4 a.m. and you’re drunk, so, not wanting to put pressure on yourself with unrealistic expectations, you set the alarm for 1 p.m. (because that seems about right, 9 hours of sleep will have the brain fully rested) and collapse into a heap, not bothering to care that you’re still wearing your club shoes and you’re smearing mascara on the pillow. You roll out of bed at the crack of noon, 1:15 p.m. You get up, stretch, maybe shower (maybe not, The Black Sheep doesn’t condemn you for not washing the smell of hook-up off of you), eat whatever constitutes breakfast (a flat beer and leftovers - it’s breakfast as long as the leftovers are cold), and sit on the couch to collect your thoughts. You absent-mindedly turn on the TV and flip through the channels as you wonder what you’re going to do today, when you realize, oh my damn, that’s a Law & Order: Criminal Intent marathon. That’s the one that you don’t usually watch, because the guy from Full Metal Jacket is in it and he’s kind of creepy. But you decided that you were going to say yes to more things in life, and this Law & Order marathon seems like a good first step. At about 8 p.m., you’ll look at the clock and go, “Oh my Christ!” because you seriously just watched 7 hours of Law & Order, and you can’t even remember what any of them were about… and also you were supposed to be working today. You even wrote “DO WORK!!!” on that stupid white board on the fridge that you bought to put your life back together, but really just sits there reminding you of your collective failures as a human being. Stupid white board. Now you begin to work. Or, sort of begin to work. You open up Word, and convinced that you have begun the working process, you go on to check Facebook - because it’s due tomorrow so you have to get all your talking to friends out now so you aren’t distracted. Then you go listen to that song by the one girl from Teen Mom and you’re remind-
Pickin’ Up Chicks Like a Boss
ed of Sonic Youth. You’re not sure how that makes you feel, so you Google her name and the next thing you know you’re on Wikipedia reading about the 2008 NBA Draft and the holy trinity of Cajun cooking. Also it’s like 1 a.m. and you’re kind of sleepy, so you get up and make yourself a late supper of Goldfish crackers and mac and cheese, telling yourself that by mixing them together it’s almost homemade. Sandra Lee would approve. By the time you finish your mac and cheese, it’s about 2:30 a.m. and the inspirational well has run dry, so you check Facebook again to get your brain moving. Oddly enough no one’s posted any funny memes about beat poets/food taboos/Monet/mathematical proofs or whatever it is you’re writing about. Frustrated, you walk away from your desk and take a 5 minute break, about 18 times in a row. At 4 a.m., horrified and tired beyond belief, you now begin whatever it is that you had to do. Really, what colleges don’t tell you is that it’s not the boozing or the whoring around that does college students in. No, it’s the sleepless,
what’s inside
stress-filled nights of trying to write something when you don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. It’s about 5 a.m. Your paper might be good, it might be bad, but there sure are a lot of words written down, and they look like, together, and they’re about the right length. You did it, maybe. In all likelihood you’re looking at a best-case scenario of a B, maybe B-. You swear this is the last time as you debate whether or not to print double-sided because you like the idea that it’s a little cheaper and helps the environment, but single-sided looks more professional and makes it look like you did even more work. You shrug your shoulders, because you can just figure that shit out in Cabell, and then you fall into the deep, restless slumber of someone who has pushed themselves to the brink of bullshitting, yet again. No worries, you’ve got a solid 3 hours to rest up and give that puppy a proof read. Right after you get coffee and surf Facebook one last time, of course.
The Art of Cheating
bartender of the week
Full of practical advice, like “have money” and “be handsome”.
It’s like a James Bond movie, except it’s taking place in your 100-level PolySci class.
Freeman from Mojo’s would really love to end world hunger.
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contents page 5: Five thing you learn from working an on campus job
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
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If you’re not careful, this “job” will turn into a “career”.
page 6: Top 10 Political Campaign Ads We’re Happy Not to See for Another Four Years
Table of
For some reason, no one threw a rock in a lake this year.
page 7: From the streets If you’re going to a dinner and a movie with any animated character, who would you take and what movie would you go see?
page 9: Post Election Depression Syndrome We sure will miss those “binders full of women” memes.
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word of the week Brotive:
Any reason a guy lists for joining a fraternity.
“Dylan’s brotives for rushing were simple: beer and sex.”
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Pickin’ Up Chicks Like a Boss
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J.T Stockton wrote this
A 1959 midnight black Cadillac convertible will surely get the job done. Then again, so would a 13 inch… ear tickler. Unfortunately, since most of us are not blessed with such extravagant – and dangerous – luxury, we need to resort to using our uncanny wit and irresistible charm. There’s a reason they call it an art and a skill, for the talent must be taught and learned. Never fear, The Black Sheep prides iteslf in aiding and contributing to the often-regretful sex of college students. If karma isn’t something you worry about - and let’s be honest, we’re college students so we really couldn’t care less about it – who gives two shits if you have an abrasive personality or audacious tongue? If you’re tall, dark and handsome, you’re already sitting comfortably on top of the tapthatguy.com totem pole. Thus, rule number one in picking up chicks: be good looking. If you can’t be good looking, hang out in poorly lit areas and grow interesting facial hair. In our age of technocracy, spoken language has become a forgotten art, forgotten like the areolas on a devout nun. Text messages, Twitter, Facebook and other like social networking sites have become the new norm, and, in turn, one could say we have regressed back to hieroglyphics and arbitrary messages. The romantics of our generation are forced to express their ever-present love for thine fair-weathered blonde who sitteth in the front row of statistics class in 140 characters or less. Basically, use smilies - babes love smilies. Also, don’t “lol” first. A
true gentleman would never “lol” before his lady “lol”ed. Money is also good! Money may not buy happiness, but it sure can buy love (Ed. note: Prostitution is illegal in Virginia, please do not literally go out and buy love). You think Donald Trump makes his way from woman to woman with his looks? Try this technique the next time you head out to your favorite drinking hole: take approximately twenty one dollar bills, place one fifty dollar bill on top and one on the bottom on the stack, fold the wad in half, and when you whip it out it will appear as if you walk around all nonchalantly with hundreds of dollars. Try and tell us this won’t work, we dare you. (Ed. note: Do not try this around strange men in jalapeño pants.) Another tip to appear rich: wear a monocle. Monocle polish is the smell of rich people, and chicks can smell it a mile away. Of course you could always be funny and stuff, you know, like, tell jokes. Everyone likes a good old-fashioned knee slapper. Although yelling “hey mama, dat ass!” may be funny to your group of Casanova-wannabe friends, we assure you, it is positively not the type of humor we’re talking about. If you find yourself participating in an over-thought, not-funny, slightly crude euphemism for “’ey yo girl,” simply refer to the aforementioned money tip, because really, nothing else matters. When all else fails and you find yourself, once again, uncorking your champagne - you could always go about doing it the old
school way: making small talk, laughing awkward silences away, and wasting non-existent money on drinks that will still leave you making love to your bean stalk alone. However, just thinking about going down that path sends chills and tremors up our spines. Patience is a virtue in which we have none; we like immediate results. And so, the art of the game ‘tis but a flesh wound on the obstacle to the ever-satisfying little pink stars of our hearts. Or in layman’s terms: hookers. Hookers give immediate results for the money you immediately have. Until then… there is not until then, just don’t get caught with your hooker.
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Five Things You Learn From Working an On-Campus Job Joseph Carter wrote this On-campus jobs generally blow horse dick. They’re either monotonous, unnecessarily difficult, ridiculously degrading, or a combination of the three. However, they do show students a different side of the university – a side of the university that stuns kids and shatters their blissful ignorance. Here are five things that students usually discover from working their pathetic campus jobs. Professors are assholes: Students in certain fields are forced to encounter and deal with professors outside of the classroom. When they do, they get a chance to see what the “intellectual titans” of the world talk about, and it’s usually just as boring as you’d think. But sometimes you get to hear some pretty meanspirited shit, and it’s not pretty. I’ve heard professors talk about how they hate having to meet with students during office hours, how they hate hearing students complain about their workload, and… how they just hate students. It’s not flattering, ladies and gentleman. The rest of the time they spend bitching and moaning about how their department demands unnecessary amounts of research and how they hate doing obligatory university functions. In short, working on campus teaches you that professors hate their lives almost as much as they hate you. The food is just as disgusting as you think it is: Anyone working in food service on campus will nod their head and agree with this one. Chances are, people who prepare your food haven’t washed their hands, dishes and utensils will go through a disgusting and decrepit dishwasher that somehow makes them dirtier than they were in the first place, and your meals
will be sneezed on. Not might. Will. Still, those who work in food service will continue to eat the disgusting food despite their newfound knowledge, because most of their meals will be free… but they’ll die a little more inside with every bite they shove into their mouths. Your boss didn’t graduate high school: Any manager who isn’t a student is usually clueless and fairly brain-dead. Most of his employees will be significantly smarter than he is, so it’s a mystery how he became manager in the first place. He either takes his job way too seriously and expect ridiculous amounts of effort from his workers (like polishing and shining every utensil twice a day, every day), or he has no idea what to tell employees to do, so he just let the shit show go down without doing anything to prevent or solve it. People like this will continue to move up their career ladder because they are very talented in the one skill area that matters – sucking on and cleaning the assholes of their superiors. OSHA? No, sir!: The administration turns their head away at a lot of crap. Things that are illegal and/or dangerous are just considered part of the job. For example, standing up in the back of pickup trucks filled with moving objects is a normal day at work for custodial staff, and underage students regularly serve alcohol at certain functions… which is terribly emotionally scarring. This may become your career: Finally, as you spend more time working at your job, and gain more experience, you’ll be
expected to work more hours because other students graduate. Eventually your social life will become nonexistent, and your schoolwork will suffer. By the time you graduate (if you’re lucky), all you’ll have learned is how to do your shitty pathetic job really, really well. Then you’ll work in that industry for the rest of your life. Aren’t you happy you have that janitor job now?
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The Art of Cheating daniel park wrote this Some of the most awkward feelings in life are felt on a trip in an elevator… with an archnemesis. Avoiding eye contact is vital - you start noticing how brown the walls are, he starts texting his great grandmother. Right, ‘cause she exists.
There it is. The heavenly seat sent from the gods. Jackpot. Hurry and squeeze between the pair of angels with high IQs. Your image is everything on this day, so remember to wear your glasses or buy a pair of fake ones. Those oversized, black frames do work. Oh, and if you don’t have a white eraser and two sharpened #2 pencils by now, go buy them. Hop to it. Pink, yellow, blue, pink, yellow, blue, the tests are handed down the row and you’re already sweating. CALM DOWN, the harder you breathe, the more obvious you are. Nerds usually fill out their names first, so inhale and exhale through your nose, and bubble in your name slowly. Pink is on your right, blue is on your left. Perform a pre-exam-I-got-this-stretch and quickly glance at both sets of questions. Compare yours to theirs. Remember, all that iPhone multitasking trained you for these moments. Some men are born great, and others have to cheat off of those great men. Underline what you think are keywords on the written portion of the test all while you let out a great sigh, fill in some pretend bubbles. Pretend bubbles are fake answers for the time being until you locate the same question on theirs. That’s what the white eraser is for. Pink Test and Blue Test are on page 2 already, but that’s just another invitation to peer at those sets of questions. If you’re on number 5 and
Political Campaign Ads We’re Happy to Not See for Another Four Years Now that election season has finally ended, The Black Sheep is excited for the most wonderful part of the election cycle: no more campaign ads. These bastards were all over the place for the better part of the last six months, and now we are free of them. Let’s take a look at some of the worst of the worst over the past few months:
So when my former classmate who I KNOW cheated on his final exam last semester and I waited on the first floor for a lift back to our humble abodes, I couldn’t help it but give him the death glare that I practice every night in front of the mirror. He knows exactly why I’m fuming: I called him out after the test— he received an “A,” as I died a little with a “C”. Extra salty, you say? Hell yes. But I couldn’t beat him. So what did I do? I joined him. And now I want you to join me as well. For the novice: Don’t come late to class, especially on exam day. You want to enter the premises about three to six minutes early. Scoping out the classroom is just as important as holding your girlfriend’s hand as you walk through the dance floor at Off the Hookah. You need to find a good spot to get established around the right people.
The Top 10
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10.) The “I will create new jobs” advertisement: Nothing filled people’s hearts with joy quite like seeing a rich politician shake hands with construction workers as they promise “new jobs” for everyone, like they have some magical job tree that they just need to water with job water from the job hose. 9.) The “I will cater my tax plans to you” advertisement: Now, taxes are a standard talking point - they’re either too high or not fair to everyone. Whatever. Everyone hated being spoon-fed bullshit about how they’re going to receive tax cuts because Candidate X cares about you. they’re on 13, make sure you’re keeping a good pace. Keep those hands moving, if you shuffle or otherwise look unengaged with a test, the proctor will come over and put their foot up your ass. Repeat these steps and you’ll pass… with whatever they passed with. Take an “educated” guess every seven minutes and you’ll be fine. For the courageous veterans: arrive two to four minutes early. The novices are landmines! You must avoid them at all costs. It’s quite a jump on the Cheating Scale from you and them, so make sure you’re either sitting in the corner of the room, or a mile away from the professor. Some of the younger professors can scan the classroom in a second, so be wise with the seat choice. Keep your backpack slightly open. Immediately after you retrieve your exam, tear out the last page, which is usually blank for showing extra work. Drop it on the floor. Now reach into your backpack and pull out the color-coordinated stapled packet. You should’ve prepared study guides for these tough exams and printed them out in three different colors. If your midterm is blue, take out the blue study guide. It’s stapled, so the TAs passing by won’t think twice before they accuse you of committing this sin. When students crowd the front of the classroom near the end, stick your study guide back into your backpack and kiss that test goodbye. Remember, though, the first rule of cheating: Don’t talk about cheating. (Ed. note: The Black Sheep does not endorse the totally badass and sometimes necessary crime of cheating.)
8.) The “I am a common man” advertisement: Barack Obama shook hands with a guy in a construction hat! Mitt Romney held a shovel! Ron Paul kissed a baby made of solid gold bullion! They’re just like us, except richer and more powerful. 7.) The endorsement: Go blow it out your ass, Bill Clinton/Clint Eastwood. No one’s cared about you since the 90’s, and Monica Lewinsky wasn’t that hot/The Unforgiven was overrated. We’re glad we’re back to only seeing you on TV when we choose to. 6.) The “candidate voting record”: It’s important to know where a candidate stands… right now. When a commercial aired out voting records like dirty laundry, it just felt like tattling. 5.) The “My opponent has no idea what he’s doing.”: This was a timeless classic. When the public already knows where you stand on every issue, all you can do is flip the table and declare your opponent to be an incompetent boob. 4.) The subliminal ad: This wasn’t a specific advertisement, but a little trick that they do in political advertisements (who said The Black Sheep couldn’t teach you anything?). Whenever they showed a candidate on television, there would typically be tickers or banners at the bottom of the screen that said things like “Candidate ahead in Gallup poll” or “Early results say Incumbent claims 57% of the vote” to get you to subconsciously think that you’re watching a winner’s ad, because everyone loves a winner. How dare they use your own brain’s stupidity against you! 3.) Middle-class pandering: Most people aren’t middle class but everyone likes to think they are. “I care about the middle-class” is just another way to say “I don’t care about the future for our young people.” It’s all sloppy lip service. 2.) The mea culpa: “I know, in the past, I have done things/voted/slapped my opponents with lunchmeat, in such a way that the American people may not believe that we’re still on the right track. Well, just know that what I do/how I vote/what I slap my opponents with will always be consistent with what I think is right for America. Thank you and God bless.” 1.) The political meme ad: The mack daddy of them all; when your opponent slips up and calls the country freeloaders or says he thinks killing babies is okay or admits to watching The Vampire Diaries, this ad was devoted to replaying that moment over and over again while some old white guy with a really deep voice asked you what every dumb political ad asked you: “Is this what America needs?”
vcu Staff wrote this
From the Streets
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Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
If you’re going to a dinner and a movie with any animated character, who would you take and what movie would you go see? “I’d take Courage the Cowardly Dog. We’d go watch Toy Story 3.” - Monica J.
“SpongeBob Squarepants to see Brave.”- Rebecca G.
“Kagome Inuyasha, we’d watch Inception.”- Matthew M.
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
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Post-Election Depression Syndrome Alex Edelstein wrote this Election season is coming to an end. Say goodbye to GIFs of Obama dancing, autotuned Romney singing his arguments, and most of all the much-loved debate drinking games. Over the last few months every media outlet has been fueled by coverage of both candidates’ campaigns, missteps along the way, and the occasional ultimatum by Donald Trump. What will happen when someone actually wins the election? We all know that Honey Boo Boo Child and Hillbilly Handfishin’s ratings aren’t affected by the election, but what about the shows that have done nothing but cover the election for the past three months like The Daily Show, Saturday Night Live, and Fox News. We know that their ratings are going to take a hit after November 6th, so what happens next? An epidemic that sweeps the nation every four years will resurface again: Post-Election Depression Syndrome (PEDS). Symptoms include staring aimlessly at the TV and flipping the channels hoping to find some election-related coverage, carrying around binders full of women, and dressing up like Big Bird to get unrelated points across. There are a few known cures, but they don’t always work. Some people say they begin to actually pay attention to state and county elections (like those even exist), others print off the transcripts of the debates and reenact them, but the truly afflicted write slash fiction of surprisingly intimate encounters between various political figures (see: “The Presidential Erection”).
It’s not all about us though. What about all of the poor TV networks that will have to start covering real news or coming up with original jokes, and not just repeating what the president said the previous night during the debate? Saturday Night Live can go back to making MacGruber sketches (something that should have died one movie and thirty sketches ago) and Fox News can go back to making up 50% of the news. And if Romney loses? They’ll just carry on as if he won and talk about the sweeping reforms he is bound to make as President of the United States. What’s truly sad about the election is that all of the newspapers will have to actually go search for news instead of just repeating what every website posted during and immediately after the debates. We know Romney has binders full of women in his office and Obama has a weird fascination with Big Bird, we heard it last night. I know the time will come when you can start making headlines about the president’s blunders, but until the new president is inaugurated, newspapers are going to have to start covering actual events like Hurricane Sandy or Snooki’s mothering techniques. Whatever the outcome of the election may be, we ask only a few things of the world to help us deal with PEDS: One, do your best to make us laugh without references to the candidates. We’re okay if you want to make fun of congressmen or other elected officials. Two, come up with some new
memes. We don’t care if that means taking awkward pictures of your grandma and posting them online for people to make fun of, or tweeting a boner pic and saying it’s a celebrity, just think of something. Last, but not least, put NBC’s Community back on the air. This whole election thing is just a way for networks to bridge the gap between this season and last season. What’s going to happen to Annie’s Boobs, people? Now, that’s a national emergency.
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In honor of Veteran’s Day, and just because we generally love America more than any other publication on the planet, we went ahead and reviewed four upcoming movies that will bring out the patriot in you. If you don’t leave the theater chanting “USA!” after these movies, then you can see yourself to Canada, friend-o. By: Brendan and Quinn
Lincoln: Nov. 16
Django Unchained: Dec. 25
Daniel Day-Lewis isn’t a stranger to taking on powerful American motifs (There Will Be Blood, Gangs of New York, The Crucible, etc.), so expect nothing short of greatness as he takes on Honest Abe in the twilight of his presidency. Steven Spielberg focuses the film on Lincoln’s struggles to unite the country and permanently end slavery with the Thirteenth Amendment.
Where Lincoln focuses on some boring white bureaucrats looking to reunite a divided America through the guise of ending slavery, Django Unchained promises no such thing. Quentin Tarantino’s latest is a western that sees a recentlyfreed slave and his bounty hunter buddy searching for Django’s enslaved wife, Broomhilda.
Since the film focuses on latter-day Lincoln, DayLewis won’t be shirtlessly wrestling townboys or chopping down wood. Don’t worry, you’ll still get a nice American pride-boner in watching a vehement president willing his country forward despite a drastically (and literally) dichotomous nation. Such is a boner we just don’t get very often these days.
This movie is nothing less than a blood-spattered Declaration of Independence. Life? Well, by default everyone in this movie is alive (for part of it). Liberty? It’s a film featuring a freed slave hunting down his wife so she too can ascend beyond the shackles of bondage. The pursuit of happiness? Uh, getting laid and killing slave owners should make most anyone grin ear-to-ear.
But, much like Pursuit of Happyness provided a peppering of “the American Dream is still real” for down-and-out viewers, and Jurassic Park gave hope to disenfranchised dinosaur enthusiasts - Lincoln will hopefully inebriate the American people into hoping a divided nation can move forward as a union and that legislators would realize a house divided against itself really won’t stand. We’ll also inevitably yearn for a time when we could have a president whose debatable religious affiliation and beard wouldn’t instantly draw months of media coverage and “terrorist” accusations.
Beyond that, the trademark Tarantino stylization mimics the way we choose to view those early American documents we hold so sacred. A black slave named Broomhilda Von Shaft? Only possible in a Tarantino flick, much the same way we conveniently look past the inherent racism in those early documents. Freedom of speech (for white people). Freedom to elect leaders (for white people). Freedom to bear arms (for white people). Freedom to enjoy Django Unchained outside of historical context (for everyone).
Our Favorite Trailer-Quote: Here stepped out upon the world’s stage now with the fate of human dignity upon our hands. Blood’s been spilled to afford us this moment.
Our Favorite Trailer Quote: Kill white people and they pay you for it? What’s not to like?
Red Dawn: Nov. 21 This fall we’ll be treated to the rehashing of a 1984 movie that frames the Cold War versus the Soviets in a way that romanticizes revolt in the face of Communist conquest. This 2012 flick paints the evil-but-inept North Koreans as invaders of Washington, the state. Oh America, land of the paranoid and home of the almighty dollar. Since the days of Alexander Hamilton the United States has always been concerned with her positioning on the world’s stage. This movie calls out to these fears because really, North Korea, a country swept by famine and sporting a paper tiger military is going to somehow launch a secret invasion on American that we couldn’t repel in like…10 minutes. Unless… Unless, of course, the movie was shot with China as the bad guys, and last-minute changes were made because money is more important than artistic integrity. Uh huh, in post-production the bad dudes were changed to North Koreans even though, again, an attack by them would result in the swift and total annihilation of anything sporting a PRK logo. Do you smell that? It’s not napalm, it’s money. Our Favorite Trailer Quote: We inherited our freedom, now it’s up to all of us to fight for it.
Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2: Nov. 16 If you’re thinking, “Wait, the last three movies were like, super American, and this isn’t American at all,” it’s because you’re a typical American, looking to be spoon-fed easily-digestible content. And that’s what makes the final installment of Twilight American. It spoon-feeds easily digestible content to the greatest demographic on the planet: teenage girls. None but the entertainment powerhouse that is America could churn out four vampire-themed romance novels at a fourth grade reading level, then turn those four shitty books into five shitty movies that make upwards of $700,000,000 each. EACH! Nothing is more American than profiting off of young girls’ emotions, cramming it down the rest of the world’s throat, and distracting us from harsh, difficult realities with an easy to argue Team Jacob vs. Team Edward debate. As you leave the theater, nothing should make you more proud than knowing that that theatric abortion is one of the stabilizing forces in the failing global economy. USA! USA! USA! Our Favorite Trailer-Quote: So beautiful... we are the same temperature now.
the interview
awolnation
We caught up with Aaron Bruno, the founder and front man of the electric rock band AWOLNATION. Their latest album Megalithic Symphony was released in March 2011 and is available on iTunes. He was nice. By Michael McSherry The Black Sheep: So let’s hear a little bit about how the tour is going so far. What are some of the best and worst things about it? Aaron: The best part is getting to travel around the country – we’re selling out almost all of our shows, and it’s a huge accomplishment to be the band that gets to headline. The hard work paid off. We had to build it from scratch, and we were so different from anything else when we started. It’s a wonderful thing. It’s very flattering and humbling to see the fruit of your labor. And the worst part about this tour, well, it’s not easy to maneuver around like I used to be able to. I can’t just walk out into the crowd and watch the other bands that I’ve become friends with. I can’t just wander around the vicinity of the venue. TBS: Well, AWOLNATION has been very well received in a relatively short amount of time since its founding a few years back. Megalithic Symphony has gone platinum in the United States and double platinum in Canada. Millions of people are hearing you on their TVs and online. With all this going on, where do you see AWOL going from here? Any big plans on the horizon? Aaron: I try not to see too far. I try to think of what’s the next goal, what’s the next thing I have control of. It seems like the ball is rolling; it’s a machine that’s got a lot of life left in itself (laughs). So I try to focus on the new songs I’m writing, getting excited about the new stuff and pushing myself and the listeners into new and uncharted waters. Hopefully the listener and I can grow together. TBS: AWOLNATION is your brainchild. Let’s hear about how you got the whole project started. Aaron: I never really “started” the band; it was already happening, if that makes sense. I’ve always been writing these songs, and with my previous bands it was always collaboration, so I figured if we ever wanted to do something solo I’d have some songs to put into it. When my last band broke up, I had all of these songs I’d written so I figured great, I’ll record them. For me, writing is something that I can’t stop doing, and if you’re really passionate about something, it never really goes away. When it came together, I called it AWOLNATION, something I had in my back pocket for a while. TBS: What’s the strangest thing that’s happened so far on this tour? Aaron: Countless things, but the thing that really stuck with me was at our first show on the concert. We were in Philadelphia and it was a free outdoor concert, so about seven thousand people showed up. It poured rain, right after Imagine Dragons played, so you know, perfect timing of course (laughs). So it got delayed maybe forty-five minutes while it was raining, and we figured everybody would just pack up and go home. We were going to play no matter what, even if only two people stuck around, because that’s what you do. But when we got out there, it seemed like nobody had even left. People were soaked, crowd-surfing, and it was beautiful. Then, out of nowhere, a bride and groom just showed up on stage. They must have walked right out of their reception to grab a cigarette or something, but they were up there on stage with us. So we’re playing this sort of dirty, grimy, epic show, and then you see a bride in all white. And it was just so absurd to see, and I’m still not sure what to think about it. TBS: Last question… Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus, and Nicki Minaj. One joins your group, one covers your songs, and one loses their voice. You choose. Aaron: Did you just say Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus, and Nicki Minaj? (Pauses) This is difficult, so thank you for that . I’m not particularly fond of any of them… I guess I would say I’d want Nicki Minaj to join the band. Miley Cyrus has got to lose her voice. Justin Bieber can cover us—he would reach the most ears at least. I’m going to have to ask everybody else what they think.
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
Lincoln in theaters november 9
Abraham Lincoln is all the rage these days (hunting vampires and what not), but this film is a bit different than that. Directed by Steven Spielberg, Daniel Day-Lewis stars as the 16th U.S. president as the film focuses on his crazy final months in office. Also starring Tommy Lee Jones and Joseph Gordon-Levitt, this movie validates anyone who has two last names.
breaking amish Sunday, November 11 at 9pm on TLC
This riveting show follows Amish teens battling with the decision to stay with their Amish culture and family, or to bust on out to get drunk in New York City. In the season finale, secrets are revealed, tempers flare, and Abe and Rebecca realize planning a wedding is hella hard. Not as hard as milking a cow and not using electricity, but still pretty damn hard.
Crystal castles - iii Out November 13
If you think Crystal Castles is so 2010, think again. Alice Glass and Co. are back with their third album, addressing the theme of oppression, which includes album art of an award-winning photo of a mother and son who were teargassed in Yemen last October. If that doesn't scream party, then meta electronic beats, diverse sounds and Glass screaming her face off should.
page 12
theblacksheeponline.com
bartender of the week freeman mojo’s How long have you been bartending: On and off since I was 21. How long at Mojo’s: 1 year What’s your drink: Cheap and domestic beer with a shot of bourbon, Evan Williams Green Label. If you were kidnapped today who would you like to have next to you: Natalie Portman What’s your favorite movie: Cool Hand Luke Something nobody knows about you: I am an open book, no secrets. If you could do anything other than bartend: End world hunger. What are you top three hobbies: Paint, play music, and drink.
the drinking game
wizard duels Sometimes drinking can give you the illusion that you have magical powers. However, what’s the point of having magic powers if you don’t get to carry around a big-ass wizard staff? What You’ll Need: Beer and tape. Number of Players: At least two. Level of Intoxication: If you’re going for “Gandalf the White” status, then you’ll get pretty smashed. How to Play: - Find a partner or group of people and get a case of beer to share. - Put on some rap music and begin drinking the beer. - Once you finish two beers, tape them together at the ends. - Attach each subsequent empty beer to the end of your new wizard staff. - After every five beers you “battle the Balrog,” which means you take a shot. - Once you run out of beer, or are not brave enough to continue drinking, pick a partner and duel with them using your staff. We know wizards do not typically have sword fights with their staffs, but it must happen sometimes, right? The Game Ends When: Once the duel has a decisive victor, the winner is awarded another beer. The loser also gets a beer for a consolation prize. With The Hobbit about to hit theaters in just above a month’s time, it would be a good idea to practice your wizard staffing now. It is also just a good skill to have. You never know when a dragon is gonna threaten your fellowship.
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Recipe for Disaster
pizza ramen Ramen and pizza are quite literally the only things that our editor ever eats. This is not uncommon for a college student, however. Ramen is really the only thing you need; pizza is just for special occasions, like NBA games and drunk splurging. What You’ll Need: Prego pasta sauce, sausage, mozzarella, pizza crust, pepperoni, and Ramen noodles. Cook Time: 30 minutes. Fatty Factor: More sodium than you can possibly fathom. Let’s Get Baked: - Boil up some water and toss in the Ramen to cook. - Either grill the sausages or cook them in a pan on a stove top. - Heat up the Prego on the stove. Place cooked Ramen and sausage into the sauce and mix. - Spread the mixture onto the pizza crust (which is even better if you warm it in the microwave first) and top with mozzarella and pepperoni. - Go be poor some more. If this recipe was any more “college” it would have beer and cigarettes in it. The great thing about ramen is that it goes with almost anything. Don’t be afraid to get crafty and throw some weed in it or something. The world is your oyster.
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page 13
an ode to bacon
alex everard wrote this
Bacon—a word known to all people on earth A substance immeasurable, in terms of its worth Its taste is divine, its scent always pungent The term “delicious bacon” is simply redundant It was created long ago, when man lived in caves And Wildboarous rex roamed the Earth for days With a spear, a vision, and a hunger most primitive Man created bacon and began to truly live It was cooked with dinosaurs and, of course, their eggs Man first consumed bacon, then walked on two legs Things happened fast, but bacon was there From the wheel to the sea, from the earth to the air
To these people we ask, “Have you not lived?” Have you not taken all of what bacon can give? Have you not tasted bacon, fresh cooked and sizzled Placed directly on your tongue and then happened to jizzle? It’s perfectly natural; all baconovours have them Referred to by science as a “Bacongasm” Buy nay, do not join us, live life in your own light Because if bacon gets short, you’re one less person to fight
The Wright Brothers ate bacon before their first flight Tyson ate bacon before every fight Jordan’s fingers were slick from bacon as he won his sixth ring Bacon is what helps Adele graciously sing
Remember the country you live in today And those who fight to eat bacon our way In piles, in heaps, by the truck and the pound The most American act is scarfing bacon down Coal turns to diamond, pig turns to bacon If you don’t like this meat your tongue is mistaken It has given us all more than we can measure Picking us up through the stormiest weather
But it doesn’t end there, the impact is far greater Armstrong ate bacon inside the Moon’s craters Through good times and bad, bacon’s sustained For our bacon-lust is great and we just can’t refrain
When cooking bacon, always wear a shirt To avoid being burned, splattered, and hurt Serving this treat is all up to you Eat it off platters, plates, or you kinky friend’s boobs
Medically speaking, its powers are infinite Did you know the Polio cure had bacon in it? Some may say “Bacon? Bah, not for me” And claim to be happy while still bacon-free
The taste is the same; some say it’s a miracle But man’s connection with bacon is deeply spiritual And as we make our breakfast each ‘morn We thank the Bacon Gods we were born For we have enjoyed the purest form of happiness
In fact, we’re eating bacon right now as we’re drafting this To our fellow friends and baconosseurs, We thank you for recognizing bacon’s allure And for those who still doubt, well, that’s okay Just remember that bacon will be there one day Bacon is joy, bacon is new beginnings Bacon is salvation for all of your sinning Bacon can be frozen and made into jerky But there’s one thing it’s not! and that’s fucking turkey So only eat true bacon when you choose to indulge And try to ignore that mid-belly bulge Bacon, mankind owes you everything and more Now, if you’ll excuse us, we need to go to the store.
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the riddle
Can you figure out this riddle? Do you know the answer to said riddle? Wow, really!? Well, send your answer to riddle@theblacksheeponline.com and if you’re right, you’ll win something sweet!
the classtime
madlib: presidential speech
cept, huh? So if you had one too many ___11___’s at ___12___ and ended up grinding with ___13___ to ___14___ all night long, and he swooned you with ___15___ and then you ended up on their ___16___ and… you know… well, you can get that taken care of now. Because it’s your body that little mon• First things first, ___2___ will become ster will be brewin’ in, so it only makes legalized. Not just medicinally but, you sense. know, for ___3___ shows and marathons of ___4____. And those nasty • The troops will be coming home in time for Thanksgiving! So get excited for hangovers, my God. maxing out on ___17___ and ___18___ • Universal healthcare? Why not! If football and ___19___, because this is you broke your ___5___ while partak- America! Additionally, for the holiday’s ing in ___6___ fun with your favorite all who have served in the past two debooty call, fear no more! There’s no cades will receive complimentary botlonger reason to worry about ___7___ tles of ___20___, ample ___21___ and or knocking up your ___8___ anymore, ___22___ strippers, because, again, this because condoms and birth control will is America!!! be free for all! Especially for ___9____ My fellow Americans, I hope that you and ___10___, for obvious reasons. are satisfied with your choice of presi• Because it’s 2012 and not 1812, wom- dent. The next four years are going to en will have equal rights! Novel con- be bomb as hell, I swear. Good evening, my fellow Americans. This is your new president speaking, and I know that my election win comes as a shock to most of you. Rest assure that even though I only have the brains of a ___1___- cast member, this country is going to get hella better. Here is why:
Meet The Staff campus manager Jasmine Kent Editorial manager Gregory Alexander
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owner Atish Doshi
distribution manager Melvin Bernal
Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers, Evan Stone
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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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the classtime
Mansion. Apartment. Shack. House.
Husband: • Dr. Dre • Dr. Phil • Dr. Drew • Dr. Kevorkian
wedding song: • “I Want Your Sex” • “Red Solo Cup (Party Mix!)” • “I Love College” • “Who Let The Dogs Out?”
mode of transportation: • Marbles • Children • 1987 Jeep Comanche • Crab Walk
wife: • Miss Cleo • Missy Eliiot • Miss Bliss • Miss Arkansas 1980
Honeymoon adventure: - Mixin’ with a Mexican drug cartel - Pickpocketing in Paris - Nudist colony in Nepal - Curling in Canada
all-time favorite tv show: • Making The Band: Season 3 • 106 & Park • Britney and Kevin: Chaotic • Family Feud w/ Richard Karn
first date: • Dine and dashed at Olive Garden • Graffitied animal hospital • Poo-dollared pedestrians • Shoplifting pet costumes
career choice: • Bitchy bra model • Horny librarian • Cautious lamp salesperson • Sprinkle-factory worker
Unfortunate Death: • Slipped on bunnies • Choked on Slim Jims • 24-hour karaoke binge • Drowning during Jell-o wrestling
How to play
Doodle some dots on the page until a friend (or your brain) tells you to stop. Starting with M.A.S.H., go around the board crossing off whatever option corresponds with your number. Go around the board until only one of each category is left. That, my friend, is your future. Enjoy it.
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