The Black Sheep
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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 2, Issue 1 1/19/12 - 2/8/12
theblacksheeponline.com
Let Me Tell You Why
i hate green
daniel park wrote this
Beep. Beep. Beep. With the quickest, “oh shit!” I don my basketball shorts, snatch the car keys, loosely slip into my untied Jordans, barefooted, and sprint out the door. I reached the end of the hall and summon the elevator. An agonizing twenty seconds later the doors open for me and I’m immediately button-smashing the “close door” labeled circle like a kid who doesn’t know how to operate his XBox controller. From the ninth floor, the descent takes approximately forty-five seconds to the lobby. Do the math. Answer below. As soon as the bell rings and the gate flings, I dash out of the apartment complex like a madman. Who cares what I look like at this point? The evil man in a yellow jacket stands beside my 1995 black Corolla, jotting down whatever evil men in yellow jackets jot down at this hour on a bright and chilly, January morning. The time on my cell phone reads 7:01 a.m. when I manually unlock the door, hop into the car, start the engine and floor the gas pedal out of a “No Parking Zone from 7 a.m. to 9 a.m. on Monday.” Keep in mind that the parking security officer is in the middle of recording my license plate number and now screaming, “Hey! Stop man! What are you doing?” I’m giggling more than a four-year-old child hearing fart sounds for the first time in his life. It’s quite a sight, as I’m laughing hysterically in perfect harmony with my quivering body. I blast the heater and start realizing I successfully avoided my 18th ticket of my college-with-a-car-life. I drive around the block of Main Street and West Franklin
Other stuff
Inside
for a few minutes and parked on Monroe Street. Please, do not judge me. Once you receive your first beautiful neon-green envelope, you’ll understand. Believe me, it’s not a Harvard acceptance letter under that windshield wiper. In the beginning, I paid for every citation. Obviously, when your father transfers an allowance into your checking account every month, these tickets are easily affordable. $20 isn’t too bad, right? Wrong. Similar to a game – the higher the levels achieved, the more challenging it gets. Once you start surpassing the five ticket checkpoint, then the ten ticket milestone, then pretty much after the fifteenth ticket, you just want to curse your luck and quit. Fifteen twenty dollar fines alone sum up to $300. That’s two Physiology textbooks. Or fifty Chipotle chicken burrito bowls. Maybe eight filled gas tanks. Don’t forget about the thirty ice-cream dates with your significant other. Let me answer a few questions, before I wrap up. It takes five seconds each floor down the Trolley elevator. Why’d I drive off while the man wrote up my ticket? Well, other than it taking a pair, I didn’t have the money. Every
Wednesday, at the City Hall at 2 p.m., a large group of citation protesters gather and line up to provide a brief synopsis of their appeal to the judge. Based on how pathetic and truthful their stories are, the judge issues a warning and voila , there is no fine to be paid. One of the stories that brought my ears great joy came from a businessman. Keeping it short, sweet, simple and some other “s” word I don’t even know, he courteously explained, “Your honor, I never received this ticket on my window shield. I honestly don’t know how or when I got it.” He won. I won.
All You Can Eat
The Party Bus
The Top Ten
There’s a better way to bring your partying self to the bars.
An embarrassment of riches has left us spoiled, like the food we don’t eat.
see page 4
see page 5
Worst fashion trends spotted at vcu. see page 11
02
Table of > > >
PAGE 4>>>
Top Ten
PAGE 7 >>
Party Pics & Shoutouts
page 12 >> Our 2012 Predictions
page 9>>
Black Girl Problems
page 12 >> The Dark Knight Rises
Things we’ve learned from watching Porno. Ahh yes, we’ve missed you.
If history has taught us anything...
page 10 >> Bartender of the Week Sheena went bananas in a zoo, just once though.
page 10 >> Drinking Game
Bitch or beer - if you play your cards right, you might just get both.
PAGE 10 >> Recipe for Disaster
butthole burrito - pleasant image, isn’t it?
contents 4
After it’s all said and done, john cusack still can’t save us.
9
Trailer
as will your you-know-what.
page 14 >> Spring Semester Prospectus
we give you some insight on how it might go.
page 15 >> The Madlib
a tale about the good ole’ bookstore... you’ve been there, yes?
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page three
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Little did Shelly know that the zombie apocalypse was about to start at midnight... with her! Think your caption is good enough for Page Three? Psh, we’d like to see it! Send your caption to caption@theblacksheeponline.com and we’ll be the judge of that.
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Send your answers to celebs@theblacksheeponline.com
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word of the week >>> Myopiss
Rabid Radio
Helicopter His Norm
submit your own word at word@theblacksheeponline.com if you think you’re so clever.
Definition: An act of urination that offers no daring, creativity or exciting circumstance. Shawn took a 2-tug myopiss in a well-lit bathroom, behind a double-locked door, into a toilet with the seat up.
04
THe top ten
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Things I’ve Learned From Watching Porn 10) Pubes: DO NOT EXIST! The only way they exist in porn is if you’re specifically searching for porn with pubes. And when you do look for it, you will wind up getting caught like that guest lecturer who visited the MSU education students this past semester and had the words “hairy pussy” in his Google search bar (like a fucking freak). 9) Baby oil is an aphrodisiac: When ass and titties aren’t naturally glistening enough under notoriously unflattering fluorescent lights, bitches will be beggin’ you to drown their lady lumps in baby oil. There’s no rhyme or reason as to why they love looking greasy pre- and post-orgy, but if I had to guess, I’d say that it’s because it smells better than sex.
A Night On The party Bus tim jones wrote this It’s Friday night. You’ve had a stressful week of class so the only thing that’s on your mind is to get loose. You hit up your friends so they can all pitch in for a few bottles to pregame and get a buzz going for the night. Then you make plans to go downtown so you can get more drinks and get even more buzzed. It’s all good because you’re all twenty-one and responsible adults. Right? RIGHT? People don’t think about drinking under-age, not in college. Come on now.
Given the ability to Marty McFly back into the past, an older, wiser you would have been bright enough to hop a ride on a green school bus called To the Bottom and Back, known colloquially as The Drunk Bus. It almost seems too good to be true. The buses run on different routes on Broad Street, Cary Street, and Main Street throughout the evening and nighttime, a perfect opportunity to hit up any late-night dive or dig of your choice. If you’re willing to put in the effort, you can even track the buses online to make sure that you don’t miss it. That means that you can chill a little bit longer before you go out, but don’t wait too long, or else you would have to chase the bus in order to flag it down, and have random people pointing and laughing at you.
“amid the laughter (and maybe a little bit of puking) you’ll have the opportunity to score a number or two before you even get to the bars.”
The only problem is that it’s a long way from your house to the bars, which means that you would have to sober up before you could even think about making the drive, since you’re such a responsible, law abiding citizen. You could get a ride with one of your friends, but then you both would be stuck in the traffic of the narrow, cobblestone Cary Street outside Lucky Buddha and Cha Cha’s. You’ll make it through and then spend fifteen to twenty minutes looking for a place to park, only to realize that you missed an open spot, which forces you to park three blocks away. As soon as you get in line for Off The Hookah, you realize that you missed happy hour by a minute and you now have to pay the five dollar cover charge, and you really don’t want to make a scene by arguing and getting kicked out by the bouncer. He’s pretty big. So how do avoid this dilemma? How can you conveniently get to where you want to go without worrying about parking or risking a DUI?
Now you’re on the bus, and you realize you’ve walked into a party on wheels. The music is blasting and people are having a good time and enjoying the ride to their final destination. Amid the laughter (and maybe a little bit of puking) you’ll have the opportunity to score a number or two before you even get to the bars. Instead of being that poor sap who drove, parked far away and arrived late, you’re right on time. As The Drunk Bus rolls up, you roll out, newly-minted entourage in hand. You take the cover-free red carpet treatment all the way into the bar with your new buddies. These people you met on the bus, they’re more than likeminded travelers, they’re associates—party buddies with whom you’ve bonded through brews. If this is your first night on The Drunk Bus, certainly it won’t be your last.
8) Strangers with candy: Ever think, “Hey, I have a van! I want to drive around the streets of East Lansing and stop hot girls with big boobs jogging and see if they’ll join me for a bang session in the back!” because you were inspired by what you saw in a porno? Well, stop right there because no right-minded female will ever say yes to banging you in the back of your parents’ van. On the other hand, if you have a VW van, good luck trying to fight them off. 7) Weird positions are easy: The kitchen table is always the perfect height for insertion without getting a leg cramp and the shower is always big enough for two without slipping. And thanks to porn you can maneuver your body in just the right way so you can show your private sex parts to that camera guy you met behind Harper’s. 6) Awful background music: Nothing gets us more “Hot ‘n’ Ready” than the delicious sounds of a funky electric guitar in the background. Who cares if it doesn’t match up to the beat, which is already hard to bang to? Where’s Marvin Gaye when you need him? 5) Dicks are always huge: And by huge, I mean 5+ inches, flaccid. So, when it’s time to travel to Bonerville, the heat has been packed. Considering the average female’s vagina is only about 6 inches deep, sometimes bigger is not always better (but it usually is). Now I understand why female pornstars are always screaming so much. 4) The highest rated videos always have two chicks: If you thought “Two Girls, One Cup” gained the fame it did because the women ate poop on camera, you thought wrong. It’s all about the girls—“Two Guys, One Cup” just wouldn’t be the same. 3) High heels in bed are a must: As a scientific sexual experiment, you should all try to wear, or have your lady wear, the highest of high heels and nothing else while banging. I believe Albert Einstein once said, “No heels, no orgasm. That’s science.” 2) Jizz gets everywhere, every time: On the face, in the eye, all over the chest, and in (or around) the ass. It’s fun and never messy to play with! You can rub it all over yourself and feel really good about all the nutrients it’s giving you. 1) Your life is over: As fun as it may look (for 15 minutes) to have sex for a living, your great grandma and 1st grade teacher all have access to watching you give a 58-year-old dude a hand job in his van on camera. There’s no such thing as self-pride and no serious future career endeavors possible once your face has slipped into the world of porn. Stay in school, kids.
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all you can eat timothy jones wrote this
The dining service here at VCU isn’t all that bad. With places like Chili’s, Pizza Hut, Quiznos, Chick-fil-A, Raising Cane’s, IHOP - and of course Shafer - VCU has a smorgasbord of potentially delicious dining options, and that’s just on the Monroe Park campus. Between the two campuses, students have more than enough dining options to choose from for their late night food binge needs. Hey, that freshman fifteen isn’t going to put itself on. Virginia Commonwealth also manages to be a special dining treat solely by placing itself in the heart of Richmond. It’s the icing on top of the delicious cake us fatties crave, because if you’re tired of swiping for the same parentpurchased fare, the available off-campus restaurants are exercises in tasty treats. Right across from Barnes & Noble on Broad Street we have Extreme Pizza, Cold Stone, Qdoba, Five Guys, Jersey Mike’s, and Tropical Smoothie. And across Broad Street there is the one and only Bodillaz. Any student worth their salt and with a few blood donation bucks in hand can eat like a king, if only for a day. Even with this abundance of restaurants and late-night spots, there seems to be mixed feelings when it comes to VCU Dining Services. Some might consider this bevy of prepaid options a blessing, but many criticize the availability of such a plethora of food, suffering from a crippling disease called indecisiveness. One second you’re craving a burger and fries, but as you drift towards that option a personal pizza and breadsticks catches your eye. Well, hot shot, what do you do? One? Both? Neither? Who knew gluttony could be so hard?
Another issue is not a problem with the meals, but the meal plans and what they can get for you. It’s no surprise that some people have problems with the university’s decisions on which items are meal swipe only and dining dollars only. Some places only accept meal swipes during a specified time period, so that means the lines are going to be extra long, especially if the food is good. A prime example: Chick-fil-A on Saturdays. Isn’t it brilliant that the one day Chick-fil-A sandwiches are a swipe is the day VCU decides to post 2 workers that make 3 sandwiches per hour? Sometimes it feels as though our ancient ancestors had an easier time hunting a mammoth than we do filling our spoiled stomachs with perfectly fried chicken and waffle fries. Does the university not appreciate our hunger? There’s also the issue with adding new restaurants to the selection. When VCU decided to put the Pizza Hut in the Commons, some people were excited, but that excitement turned to rage when they found out that it was replacing Alpine Bagel. Of course, no one listened when I suggested combining the two, because if a life full of frozen foods has taught me anything, had we opened Alpine Pizza Hut, with pizza on a bagel we could have had pizza anytime. Alas, it wasn’t to be. When it comes down to it, some people are going to like some of our restaurants more than others. Some people love Cary Street Deli but despise Quiznos. Some people can’t get enough of Bleeker Street but hate Shafer. Everyone has their preferences, so it’s only natural to expect some criticisms here and there, but overall our dining options could be a lot worse.
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Court – did you really come back to our place early and move everything in my room? I can’t find anything! Just wait until you leave for a weekend… Jake, that was an epic party, but seriously, who clogged the toilet? Thanks for not getting too mad when my friend and I peed in your trash can like the true ladies we are. And thank you for not putting it on Youtube as well. Danny, sorry we broke your TV…who knew those hand straps on the Wii remotes would have come in handy? Chris, there’s no way you are moving in with that damn cat you saved over break. First, you found him in an alley, second, it’s already peed on you twice, and third, IT SMELLS! Ginger I met at CSC last week…same time, same place? Are you ready for one last semester, girls of 412? Time to get crayyyyyyyyyyyy! Dear big orange baby driving a big orange car. Rompers are for babies! Dear VCU, It’s been a good 3 years, but now I must leave you behind. But hey, we had our good times. Like the time I peed myself on St. Patrick’s Day.. I HATE YOU SILES!!!!! Love Slippy Slappy Abe happy 21st- miles & krista. let’s hope syllabus week doesn’t get in the way of your regular debauchery. love yaaaa- kath, kay & court So Megs, about that resolution of going to the gym twice a week...already broken... so sad...-Jess
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TUES/WED: 1/2 Price Apps 4-6PM Live Music at 10 PM NO COVER!
$2 Wing Baskets
Low Tide (4-8) $2 Off Select Apps FREE POKER Games @ 7:30pm & 9:30pm
1/2 Price Apps 4-6PM Rock Band 9PM
$2 Wing Baskets
Low Tide (4-8) $2 Off Select Apps DJ TEK (10PM-2AM) NO COVER! Electronic, Remixes, Top 40 & Dance
1/2 Price Apps 4-6PM Live Music at 10 PM
SAT
$6 Pizza Night (7-11)
$2 Wing Baskets
DANCE, BABY DANCE (10-2) NO COVER! DJ JINXX - Top 40 & Electronica
Acoustic Jam 2-5PM Live Music 10PM
SUN
$6 Burger Build (7-11)
1/2 Price Appetizers Watch the NFL Playoffs!
BRUNCH & PUNCH Bring your Fishbowl and get $3 OFF all Fish Bowls
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Low Tide (4-8) $2 Off Select Apps SERVICE INDUSTRY NIGHT
$2 Wings
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1/2 Price Apps 4-6PM Karaoke 9PM
1/2 Price Apps 4-6PM Live Music at 10 PM NO COVER! 1/2 Price Apps 4-6PM Live Music at 10 PM NO COVER!
09
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black girl problems kiara powell wrote this
Recently the Internet has exploded with websites making light of mankind’s more humorous problems. None has been more on-point, cut-to-the-bone accurate as White Girl Problems. Examples that come to mind: white girls always think about how fat their asses are, or how when white girls were younger they wanted to be Mary-Kate Olsen and now they want to be Ashley. It got me thinking about how it’s cool to laugh at white girl’s problems, but how can black girls, you know, relate? Sure, some of the problems are in the same ballpark, every young black girl has struggled to figure out if she wanted to be Tamera or Tia, and when black girls wake up in the morning, they’re always rushing to the mirror hoping that their prayer to God regarding the fattening of their ass has come true. But like a rose of a different color, the similarities end there. As black girls we face our own trivial issues, ones that we battle against day in and day out. For instance, there’s a stereotype that claims that you don’t mess with a black woman’s hair. Well for once, believe that. It’s simple. Just don’t touch their hair. Don’t do it. We spend hundreds of dollars and countless hours in the salon and here you go trying to play with it, like there is any reason to. Yes, it may be real, but it may be fake as well. Yes it’s very pretty and it comes in a variety of colors from black to green, but the thing is, don’t go running your fingers through it and cause a track or braid to come out. So,
just don’t do it, don’t touch a black girls hair. A black girl’s hair is a work of art, it should be treated like any artwork you may find in the Louvre: for seeing and not touching. Think about it, how embarrassing if I’m with a guy and we’re really going at it and a braid or two comes out and falls on the bed? I mean, I like getting my hair pulled, but not that hard. So don’t touch it. Another black girl problem comes with the skin. Lotion always has to be on deck because no black girl wants to walk around with her hands and feet looking like she’s been eating powdered doughnuts with, well, her hands and her feet. Lotion is always a must because the ash always seems to be in the crook of our fingers and the ankles of our feet, and if you don’t lotion those places before you go out, then you are doomed to ridicule forever. No one really wants someone to come up to them and ask: “Have you been dancing in baby powder lately?” There’s been entire Dave Chappelle skits devoted to the subject, people. These are a few of many trials and tribulations that us black girls face everyday. I would go on, but then again I’m pretty sure you don’t want me to ramble. So yes, white girls may have many problems, but know there are black girls out there who have about the same, if not more problems as white girls do. Don’t leave us hanging out here!
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Bartenderof the Issue
www.theblacksheeponline.com
Sheena Higdon republic
Age: 27 Nickname: I don’t have one! Status: Taken Favorite Shot: Cold Rumplemintz Favorite Drink to Make: Something funny like a Slutty Smurf or a Muff Driver Porn Name: Dirty Girtty Personal Theme Song: Anything by Led Zeppelin Life Motto: Life gives you lemons, make lemonade, or squirt it in someone’s eye Favorite Pick-Up Line: Nice shoes, wanna fuck? Dream Date: Charlize Theron
drinking game:
sharpshooter
Hey there sharp shooter, I bet you’re bored with all these tame drinking games – how’s about we get into the big leagues? What You’ll Need: Four Dixie cups per player, four different types of alcohol (all vodkas preferably), a Sharpie, and a good memory. Number of Players: Two is all you need, but the more people who play, the more you can team up to win the game. Intoxication Level: Con artists everywhere spend their entire lives plastered; you’ll get to learn what it feels like to live one night of their life. How to Play: - Write numbers 1 through 4 on the bottom of four Dixie cups. Assign these four Dixie cups to the same player. Repeat until all players have four Dixie cups labeled 1-4. - The “Sharp Shooter” secretly assigns which Dixie cup number coordinates with which vodka and pours the shots accordingly. Do not let opposing players know which cups hold which liquor. - The team then takes the four shots right in a row. After disposing of the shots, the players are allowed to come up with a strategy in order to guess which shots are which vodkas. - Each player guesses the four shots alone, and the Sharp Shooter must tell the player which shots they guessed correctly. - Any shots guessed incorrectly must be refilled and taken again before they are to be guessed again. The Game Ends When: You’ve completely demolished your short term memory.
thirsty for more?
theblacksheeponline.com/drinkage
Have You Ever Hooked Up with an Employee: Regretfully so... Funniest Thing you seen on the Job: Someone getting vagina-slammed in the face and getting knocked over in a chair Weirdest Place You’ve Hooked Up: At a zoo. P.S. Not with an animal Turn offs: Pink popped collars Celebrity You Want to Beat Up: Jillian Michaels Favorite Song to Karaoke to: Journey- “Don’t Stop Believin’” Weirdest Place You’ve Thrown Up: In a car
recipe for disaster:
butthole burrito Every once in awhile, all you need is a good case of the burning shits. Seriously, we were once told that you don’t become a man until you’ve experienced such bad diarrhea that you can’t clench your butt cheeks for an entire week without crying. What you’ll need: Curry powder, cayenne pepper, four cups of Sriracha, and the Naja Jolokia, which is confirmed to be the hottest pepper on earth, and egg noodles. Cook Time: About fifteen minutes. Fatty Factor: You’ll lose about ten pounds from sweating/pooping after this. Let’s get baked: -Boil 6 cups of water. -Cook the egg noodles. -Get a giant bowl, and mix together curry powder and Sriracha. -Chop up the cayenne pepper and the Naja Jolokia peppers; add to bowl -Finally, add the noodles. -Now, put on your diaper and get ready to feel the burn. Take caution before eating this; you might actually pass out. But it’s technically a really good form of cleansing. Not to mention you can brag to all the ladies about how much spicy food you can consume. Just make sure you don’t shit your pants while bragging.
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Top 10: worst fashion trends spotted at VCU sarah a. wrote this 10) Fake/Lens-less Glasses: They should all get some fake, invisible contact lenses. Pubescent preteens everywhere are crying about how unfair it is that they have to suffer through their adolescence with glasses and us college students are using them to look cool. Some people, like Asians and sexy nerds, will be able to pull this off, but the rest of you just look like you are trying way too hard. If anything, just stare at the TV for a long time, play too many video games and eventually your dream will come true and you’ll be able to get a real pair of those bad boys.
7) Mandals: They say Bigfoot is a myth. We say that he needs to stop breeding with mothers everywhere. There is no other explanation as to why men’s feet are so damn hairy. Now, hair is one thing, but parading it around town looking like you are wearing fuzzy slippers is just gross. If you are at the beach or pool it’s slightly understandable, because who wants to be that guy wearing socks at the swimming pool. But it is September, the leaves are starting to fall, your feet are hairy, and gross and they should stay hidden at all times, that’s all.
“Which Harry Potter house are you?” “I’m definitely a Ravenclaw because I started reading my textbooks when I got them over the summer.” - George B.
9) Sunglasses Bands: Are you really concerned that the sunglasses will fall off of your face and land in an irretrievable black hole? We’re convinced that you’re really just concerned with looking like a douche. What is extremely sad is that both males and females rock this style without the slightest bit of embarrassment. These things are meant for old people who are so old that they cannot put down their glasses at the risk of losing them and being blind forever. They are not on the other hand designed for sororiwhores and their Ray Bans. 8) The Joke Tee: “I majored in partying” “FBI: Female Body Inspector” “Why are you reading my shirt”? We guarantee you will get zero female body action until you are in your late 30s. Invest in something a little less douchey, for example a pink polo with the collar popped, or a fur-trimmed flight jacket. If you have to express your love or hate for something through a t-shirt then you need to take a good hard look at your past life choices and make some changes in your life.
From 'da Streets
4) All Fur: It’s hard to tell what was more painful. When they skinned the poor tiger to make that fur cape or us having to watch you strut across campus with a dead tiger face on your back. All we can say is that if you are actually spending that much on fur, you better be getting some of the meat from that animal along with it, because you won’t be able to afford food for a long, long time.
“I’m a Hufflepuff because I always help people out in class if they need something.” - Iesha A.
3) Denim on Denim: Cowboys do it, The Fresh Prince does it, even Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears do it. But you’renot Justin or Britney, and it is not 2001. There is no reason why you can’t just pick either Jeans or a jean jacket? One by itself usually means you are pretty fashion savvy, but both together means that you are trying way to hard to match, you are ridiculously lazy or you haven’t left the house since 2003. We may actually prefer the fur…
6) High Heels at House Parties: Next they’re going to want to drink the keg out of wine glasses. How the hell did you even make it down the jacked up Richmond sidewalks for 15 blocks without falling and busting your ass? It has been clearly stated by your 5 inch heels that you want everyone to know that you are on the market, single and ready to mingle. Next time, consider trading in your prom heels for some sensible flats. Unless you enjoy being mocked and called a freshman.
2) Harem Pants: MC Hammer was right when he said “Can’t Touch This”…as in please don’t touch his pants or come anywhere near them. Aladdin got away with these things for the simple reason that he was a “street rat” and had to hide stolen goods in the pant legs. These pants are nothing but a cruel joke the fashion industry decided to play on those who get their clothing advice from Seventeen Magazine. Face it, everyone knows they’re ugly. The only reason girls still wear them is an attempt to get away with wearing pajama pants and to look like they’re taking a fashion risk.
5) Boys in Girls Jeans: 10 years ago we would have been begging boys and men of all ages to buy pants that actually fit them and did not put their entire ass on display. Now we’re not sure what’s worse. Seeing ass outside of the jeans…or seeing the outline of something else inside. I’m sure your parents are just as upset as you are that you weren’t born a female, but wearing jeans so tight that it looks like a baby mouse is trying to escape your zipper is not acceptable.
1) The Grandma Print: We’re not sure when “ugly” became the new cute but a print that looks like your grandmothers couch is ugly, no matter how obscure and non-conforming you are. Especially when paired with a pair of hideously big and round grandma glasses, or high waited jeans. Next time, if you want to look like a furniture print, go to IKEA and get your fabrics from there. You’ll have to put it together yourself though.
“I would be Gryffindor - I’m not arrogant but I do make good grades without having to study that hard. ” - Annique P.
our 2012 predictions February 5: After Tom Brady secures a 27-25 Super Bowl victory on a Hail Mary, Tim Tebow appears above the crowd to denounce him as Satan. An epic battle ensues, with Brady winning. Tebow dies and immediately ascends to heaven, unlike Jesus, who had to wait three days.
April 5: On the night NBC
airs the series finale for critical darling Community, show creator Dan Harmon commits suicide. He leaves a note littered with sex jokes, references to alcoholism and forced laughter, titling it, “Are You There, Idiots, It’s Me, Dan.”
march 22: Less january 30: In a shocking move, Arrested Development creator Mitchell Hurwitz announces there will be no movie, claiming, “…And that’s why you don’t expect anything good to happen, ever.”
By Brendan
than six months after filing for divorce, Kim Kardashian shocks the world with a surprise second marriage, to a mirror. When questioned, Kim replies, “Because now I’m always with someone I truly love.”
June 6: Tim Cook, CEO of Apple, unveils the iPhone 5 to a stunned audience. The updated Siri software offers several voice options, ranging from “sassy black lady” to “unintelligibly Asian.” Shareholders vote him out later that week.
may 18: Universal pictures releases board game science fiction film Battleship. Across the United States several branches of the National Alliance for Mental Illness protest the film, asking that Universal stop releasing films that “pander to our demographic.”
The Dark Knight Rises (as Will Your Penis When Watching the) Trailer
Holy fucking shit— if this is the year I finally die from alcohol, the Mayan apocalypse, or butt worms, please let it be after I see The Dark Knight Rises. A life lived without seeing the third act of the Batman thrill-ogy would clearly be a life not worth living at all. Down the road, when all of us are on our respective deathbeds (from the inevitable plagues of Robot-Lupus and Super-Diabetes), at least each of us will be able to remember marriage, having kids, and of course—watching The Dark Knight Rises. So far, our groveling nation has only been privy to the trailer of said movie. If you haven’t seen it yet, well, you’re an idiot, but don’t worry… your fun Uncle Justin is here to walk you through the experience of this anythingbut-average trailer. It begins with the National Anthem being sung by a small child at a football stadium. It’s the calm before the impending storm—a storm that’s brewing both on the screen and in your pants. A quick straightening of your trouser region is encouraged to free up some room at this point, as your Dick Cheney will be readying himself to fire at someone or something at any time.
At this point, you’re going to be sweating a lot. There’s really no getting around it, either—I mean, you’re getting aroused, your pre-boner is in effect, and you’re watching the new Batman trailer; it’s only natural that you’re dripping moisture as if a post-Katrina levee has broken all over you. Suddenly, Christopher Nolan’s name flashes across the screen causing your schlong to go from a half-chub to a Rigid Richard in record time.
You’ll debate trying to hide this Woody Allen of yours, but ultimately decide that pulling your attention away from this trailer isn’t worth it. Plus, if anyone were to call you out on it, you could instantly question why they were fixated on your crotch when there is nothing but pure Batman-badassery taking place on the giant screen in front of them.
The screen then cuts to Bane watching a gaggle of gunwielding convicts emerge from a hole in a prison wall. Flashbacks from a Thanksgiving parade in Detroit start flooding back to you as your vision begins to narrow from this fear-boner situation. This causes more blood from your brain to rush away from your senses and down to your already-fiery crotch. Congratulations, your ticket to Bonerroo can now be punched. Your fingers grip the armrests and the muscles in your legs start to twitch uncontrollably. A football field explodes on screen and a soft involuntary grunt comes out of your mouth. You’re so close to sexual release that you debate pulling a Pee Wee Herman and just pumping those last few strokes out, but alas, you reconsider when you remember what happened to him after that. Even though you know the consequences, you can’t help yourself. Between the pure, unadulterated awesomeness of every gadget, the Batwing chasing tanks, and epic battle scenes from start to finish, you finally break and start orgasming uncontrollably. You make an erect deposit in the front of your pants just as the final image fades.
A few moments pass and you regain control of your body once again. You take a quick survey of your surroundings before you slink out of the theater (since you really only came for The Dark Knight Rises trailer and don’t really give a shit about watching Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol). You make the awkward walk to the bathroom and try not to make eye contact with anyone. Once you’re there, you’ll clean up that pool of Hellman’s man-naise that has collected in your underpants and head home to bed to see it all over again in your dreams.
2012 predictions July 20: In a surprise reveal, audiences discover The Dark Knight Rises is also a sequel to another Christian Bale vehicle: American Psycho. Christopher Nolan explains that Batman is actually the psychotic Patrick Bateman’s humbler, do-gooder split personality.
august 12: Dr. Dre’s
long-anticipated Detox is finally released. Accountants in their mid-thirties around the world rejoice, while high school kids wonder why Eminem’s step dad is rapping.
cd review
september 8: In a last-gasp attempt to remain relevant, Miley Cyrus’ Playboy spread hits newsstands. Pedophiles ignore her for being too old, while the rest of the world continues to masturbate to DVDA internet pornography.
october 2: Less than a year old, Blue Ivy Carter, the daughter of Jay-Z and Beyonce, releases her first album, Destiny’s Child. It debuts at #1 on Billboard, and makes the prodigy the youngest self-made millionaire ever. out now
Guided by voices Let’s Go Eat the Factory Guided by authenticity, these 90s badasses don’t disappoint.
Guided by Voices is something of a cult band, and like most Hale-Bopp chasers they’ve stayed perfectly underground. Comprised of five members, including lead man Robert Pollard, the indie rockers have been around for nearly two decades. After starting in the early 80s the group disbanded in 2004, only to reunite in 2010. They had a slow start, playing the local scene in Dayton, Ohio (sweet airplane museum, bro!) while slowly building momentum through college rock stations. This was in 1992, and we can only truly imagine how sweet rock music was then – authentic plaid, shameless attitude, chain smoking, epic on-stage antics. You know, before people tweeted every mistake celebrities did. It was awesome, we’re sure. Well, onto their newest work, Let’s Go Eat the Factory. Each song is short, perfect for the A.D.D. generation. Not only that, but these sub-2 minute tunes are ideal for the first time listener, who aren’t always anxious to commit to a 4-minute song, much less an entire album. It’s interesting, being unable to delve into a song. Instead, the album is experienced through different elements that turn a couple of guitar riffs and some singing into an actual song. There’s a lot of psychedelic noises and safe guitar progressions that can be built up and brought back down in 45 seconds. It’s kind of nice.
November 6: In
his Presidential victory speech, 3rd party candidate Ron Paul reveals the true extent of his previous hints at racism, noting, “I’m going to show every black woman in this bitch my white house!”
December 20: The world wakes to K’iche’, the Mayan god of death. With John Cusack on vacation, the world’s leaders are forced to nuke the entire world to prevent K’iche’s dark reign, thus fulfilling the prophecy.
GRADE B-
The recording of this album is interesting too – it sounds kind of shitty, in a good way. Perhaps it was recorded in home-made studio, or maybe it got muffled during post-production intentionally. It’s kind of like how kids these days use things like Instagram to make their high-def photos taken with a freakin’ phone look scratchy and discolored, because it’s “cool.” Maybe it’s because high-def photos are a little too nice for us, and the sepiatoned, shadowed photos of our feet on a snowy train platform more accurately describe how we’re feeling. Maybe GBV is releasing their latest work at just the right time. There isn’t a “catchy single” and this album isn’t “ambitious,” but it’s perfectly what they do best, which is just fine. They sound like a mix between Wilco, particularly circa early-2000s, and myriad 90s rock bands, like R.E.M. and Sonic Youth. Sure, these guys aren’t about to change their sound to fit into the 2010’s (no bass drops, no sound effects, no Autotune) but for one of the last originals of the early 90’s indie rock scene, they don’t need to be anything more. Sounds Like: Some average 90s rock. Download: God Loves Us, The Unsinkable Fats Domino Listen to it When: You’re feeling nostalgic, and somewhat rebellious.
UPCOMING RELEASES Ani Difranco - Which Side Are You On Bombay Bicycle Club - Different Kind of Fix
Lana Del Rey -Video Games Steve Aoki - Wonderland
Attack Attack! - This Means War Juvenile - Rejuvenation
Secrets - The Ascent The Internet - Purple Naked Ladies
The Black Sheep Spring Semester Presents
2012 Prospectus
Think spring 2012 is destined to a semester-long balls-to-the-wall blast? Certain that the 18 hours you’re forced to take will keep you sunshine-free until late May? Fear not! The Black Sheep is here to help.
social life
+1 For each bar within walking distance of your apartment. +1 For every 100 miles away your spring break destination is. +1 For every sitting area your apartment has. +1.5 For each member of the opposite sex living less than three doors away from you. +2 For each friend you have working in the service industry. +2 For every late-night food establishment or taxi cap number in your phone. +2 For each person you know who can sneak you into a campus cafeteria. +3 For each $1,000 in student aid you have left in your bank account. +3 For each club you happily participate in. +10 For each credit card your parents gave you. -1 For each person you have to share a bathroom with. -1 For every year old your car is. -2 For every 50 miles away your significant other is. -5 For each resume-building club you’re in.
SOCIAL LIFE SCORE: ________
work
+2 For every dollar above minimum wage you make. +4 If your manager is the same age as you. +5 If your place of work closes by sundown. +10 If you don’t have a job and your parents support you. -5 If you work in the service industry.
WORK SCORE: ________
class
+1 For each excused absence you’re granted. +1 For each excused absence you’re granted. +2 For every $100 your parents gave you for books. +3 For each class you’re taking in a lecture hall. +4 For each class you’re taking with a friend this semester. +5 For each GPA-boosting elective you’re taking. -1 For every hour before 11 a.m. that class begins, or after 3 p.m. class ends. -2 For each class you’re taking in a small classroom. -3 For each group project on a syllabus. -.25 For each page of classwork you’re required to hand in this semester.
CLASS SCORE: ________
Now add up your score.
A scale of 1-100 will give an accurate measure of how rockin’ your semester will be. Score 100 and you’ll be tagging tail like a genuine beaver trapper. 50? You can do better. 0, um, just stay away from the bleach, okay?
TOTAL SCORE: _____/100
class tim e the madlib: bookstore Man, I’m so happy my parents decided to give me $__1__ for this semester’s books, after that __2__ GPA last semester I was scared my parents would make me pay my own tuition. Thank god that didn’t happen, can you believe I actually started looking for a job at __3__? According to my list I’m going to need the book for __4__. And… it’s $__5__. Seriously? It’s like the professors are trying to __6__ me with a __7__ wrapped in __8__. Plus, by my count that money could be better spent on two dozen __9__ of __10__. And what’s with this optional reading bullshit? This professor I’ve never met, __11__, recommends that I spend $__12__ so I can learn more about the __13__ of the __14__? It’s like he doesn’t even know that __15__ exists. Well, at least I should spend some of this money on school supplies, by the end of last semester I was drawing pictures of __16__ on a __17__ using a __18__, and that’s gotta change. But can you believe __19__ cost $4 each? I can just make my own out of __20__ and spend the cash at __21__. And why do __22__ come in packs of __23__? I only need one. Eh, I’ll just steal it. If this semester is anything like the last I should probably look into that job at __24__.
1) Amount of money 2) Last semester’s GPA 3) Crappy place of employment 4) Class you’re taking 5) Amount of money 6) Depraved act 7) Object 8) Flexible object 9) Things 10) Thing 11) Professor’s name 12) Amount of money
13) Feature 14) Person or people 15) Vaguely credible website 16) Something vulgar 17) Odd object 18) Poor writing tool 19) School supply 20) Household item 21) Local restaurant 22) School supply 23) Number 24) Crappy place of employment
class tim e Meet The Staff! campus manager Sarah Aboulhosn Advertising Manager Lenton Alston Samson Desta distribution Manager Yosief Yohannes Marketing Manager Zack Zedd Marketing/PR Team Peter Pagan Chelsea Simms Elizabeth Macfarlane Jasmine Kent technical editor Dylan N. Williams Writers Talisha Williams Kiara Powell
Lenton Alston Tim Jones Daniel Park campus director Brendan Bonham Founders Sarah Aboulhosn Lenton Alston Mecca Fowler Brendan Bonham Atish Doshi Heather-Jo Erickson Jimmy DeBlasio Jessica Sommers Questions?
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