The Black Sheep
FR E lo E... sin Lik gs ec tre all ak ing “a a 5 dv er gam sit y” e !
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 1, Issue 7 10/18/12 - 10/24/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheepUVA
halloween costumes and you: a guide Spencer Schloss wrote this It’s almost that joyous time of year again when it is appropriate to scarf down high calorie candy, torture yourself by watching Paranormal Activity, and drink until your skimpy Halloween costume suddenly seems socially acceptable. Here at UVa, we take Halloween and the Halloweekend very seriously. While you can roll into lecture wearing the typical “I didn’t try today” Nike shorts and a t-shirt, or even risk a few stares with pajama pants, really no one is judging. Halloween is a different story. There are thousands of costumes to choose from, and the one you select will say a lot about who you are. Smarty Pants: Yeah it’s a cute outfit if you’re five, but as a college student, you should be able to come up with something a little more thought-provoking than taping Smarties to your pants. At the end of the night, all of your Smarties will be gone, you will be left costumeless, and the only party attendee that will socialize with you is the kid that taped an eye to his forehead with a line through it—“third eye blind,” almost as clever as using adhesives to attach candy to your legs. After this night you will forever be known as the kid who didn’t dress up for Halloween or the kid giving out free Smarties. Good one, smarty pants. Nurse/Cop/Anything with Animal Ears: You, like many others, are the type of person that takes every opportunity to dress like a slut when it is socially acceptable. According to Mean Girls “Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.” I mean it makes sense right? “It’s freezing outside, so I think I’ll wear as little clothing as possible.” Remember, it SNOWED on Halloween last year. Yes, this is perfectly rational. You might as well hold up a sign that says “Will ‘work’ for Snickers. Zombie Bride: If you arrive at a party fully clad with artificial teeth, fake blood, makeup that makes you look like you haven’t slept in years, and a full coverage wedding gown - yes my friend, you have pulled a Cady Heron. This Mean Girls character tries to save her costume tragedy by adding humor and claiming to be an “ex-wife,” but there is no salvaging this one. You might as well be saying “If you’re from Africa, then why are you white?” The message you send to the college world is: I am a naïve first year who took Halloween too seriously.
Don’t Drive in Charlottesville
If first years were allowed cars, they would drive away and never come back.
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Christmas in October: You’re the classic funny guy. Or so you thought…This costume is incredibly unoriginal, and as you suddenly exclaim in your apartment, “Guys, I got it! I’ll dress up like Christmas and it will be funny because its Halloween not Christmas, get it?!” Just know that there are about twenty other guys having the same revelation, but hey, y’all will make a great clan of Santa’s helpers. TI-89: Yes, as in the TI-89 Platinum calculator that you use in physics class. Unlike your friend the “Satirical Christmas Elf,” who attempted to construct a clever costume, you have managed to out-clever your peers. As you walk around with your homemade t-shirt cluttered with numbers and mathematical symbols, you will constantly be asked “So…what are you supposed to be?” Your Halloween efforts let your true colors shine
what’s inside
Sweep the Leg: Get off the Scooter
What if these aren’t neonwheeled Virgin Expresses, but the one vehicle to true love?
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and now everyone at UVa knows that you are even more of a nerd than the oh-so-intelligent smarty pants. We all enjoy these five nights a year when we can take a break from being scholarly UVa students and be anything we wish, but keep in mind that just because you are wearing a costume doesn’t mean we don’t know who you are. If you want to avoid the post-Halloweekend stares and whispers, just try and keep your Halloween endeavors moderately classy. However, if you do end up making a fool out of yourself on Halloween, I can assure you that the majority of people won’t even remember. So, live it up, spend the night asking “what are you supposed to be?,” wake up in Mario or Luigi’s apartment (let’s be real, you won’t remember which one), and enjoy the Halloween paradeof-shame the next morning.
Punkin’ Pandemonium EVERYTHING IS PUMPKIN FLAVORED AND PUMPKIN SCENTED AND WE WANT TO PUMPKIN-PUKE AND EAT IT AGAIN.
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contents page 7: From the Streets
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
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You have good but not absolute evidence that a classmate is having a relationship with the TA. Your reaction?
page 9: Gastronomical Studying
Table of
Chug coffee, eat meat, purge bowels, repeat.
page 12: Bartender of the Week: John B. - Ten Stop into Ten for the best Manhattan of ya’ life.
page 13: The Black Sheep Guide to eh Apocalypse: Election Edition Read this and you won’t not vote for the wrong or right person to not run this country into the ground or to the top.
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word of the week
Guyser: The urine stream of a man who hasn’t used a restroom in over five hours.
“After downing that yardstick of beer, Rob’s guyser allowed him to pee into a urinal from the opposite side of the bathroom.”
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Don’t Drive in Charlottesville
theblacksheeponline.com
Lauren Bryant wrote this
UVa claims first years can’t bring their cars because there isn’t enough parking on Grounds. Another theory, however, suggests that they are afraid that if first years have to experience driving around Charlottesville, they won’t come back for their second year. Think about it. First, there’s getting here. If a student is coming from NOVA (as many students are), he’s forced to come down Route 29, which is the biggest pain in the ass, there are speed traps all over the place. Once you get here, the traffic is absolutely ridiculous all the time. The ride up I-64 from Richmond is so boring that listening to the audiobook of your car’s owner’s manual would provide far more entertainment than the oh-so-scenic view. He look everyone, another field! Then, basically everywhere you go on any day in Charlottesville, there’s insane traffic. Traffic is always backed up on University Avenue near the Corner because students are constantly crossing the street in a suicidal mission to make everyone in cars late to wherever they’re going. No one knows why there is so much congestion in the city of Charlottesville, but there always is. Driving through the Pantops area on 250 is the best way to flex your swearing vocabulary, as traffic always backs up there for no reason. Hey, does anyone recognize a theme? We wouldn’t wish driving through Pantops during rush hour on our worst enemy. You
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can idle your car for miles on end just to squeeze through rush hour traffic. No accidents. No construction. Just a lot of people on the road. It’s enough to make anyone come unglued. Also, let’s talk about how there’s just one road through Charlottesville. If a student wants to get anywhere outside of the actual city of Charlottesville, they’re basically forced to go down 29. This would seem simple to the person that hasn’t driven on 29. What more experienced drivers understand, however, is that 29 can be (read: is) awful. The traffic lights are set up so that if you’re traveling at the speed limit, you’ll either catch every single red light or every single green light. Think about the monumental impact stopping at 23 red lights in a row can have on your overall day, it’s enough to make anyone embrace the Dark Lord Satan as their savior. Second, since everyone in Charlottesville and the surrounding areas has to drive on 29 to get anywhere in this town, there is no way to avoid the awful Charlottesville drivers. We don’t know where these people learned to drive, but we’re guessing it’s somewhere in Maryland or New Jersey. This must be the real reason that first years at UVA aren’t allowed to bring their cars. If you had to go through all of this more than a couple of times your first year, you wouldn’t be a happy camper. By the time you’re a second year, you’ve
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already fallen so in love with UVa that no amount of stupid Charlottesville traffic could change your mind. Smart move UVa. And for all of you first years that choose to bring your cars and pay for a parking spot off Grounds, you’ve been warned.
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Sweep the Leg: Get Off the Scooter Pierce Bishop wrote this
The Top 10
Bro’d Out Bro-thing 10.) Bean Boots: The Hunter Boot’s masculine counterpart, L.L. Bean Boots are reasonably priced ($119). These boots actually look practical and durable, providing the perfect contrast to the sorority girl’s Hunter Boots. They’re so popular that they actually transcend gender lines, as it’s common to see a not-so-girly sorority girl don the boots as well. 9.) Croakies: Croakies are an outfit staple in the fraternity man’s attire, be they attached to some cheap pair of sunglasses or Ray-Bans. The worse for wear they appear means they have more character. Perhaps dispensable and easily interchangeable, Croakies are sure to make a fashion statement. Never will he lose a pair of sunglasses ever again…unless of course he gives them to his Foxfield date. 8.) Flannel: Flannels translate into a down-to-earth man that can chop his own firewood and take care of his woman in the heart of the forest…of love. Basically, this is every UVa girl’s fantasy. What’s sexier than a guy who can take care of you?
When walking up 15th Street on a Friday morning, phone shielding your face from the onlookers who know this is a walk of shame, there is an expectation that there will be some traffic coming toward you. This usually consists of the pitiful few that have Friday classes, be they on foot or bicycle, and the occasional runner, clad in Nike garb. What you don’t expect is the recent proliferation of neonwheeled Virgin Expresses. Razor scooters (as they, I suppose, are more commonly known as) are now rumbling up and down hills all over Grounds with a chorus of palms hitting faces behind them. I mean seriously, it’s not even that funny. It’s just sad. Like, there are all these nine-year-old cousins that are now running their high-risk-for-obesity asses around the neighborhood because their college-aged relatives couldn’t ride a bike. What exactly is so attractive about something that you have to hold by brightly colored foam handles and constantly kick your foot on the pavement as if you have a lower body tremor? Not to mention, where exactly are people putting these when they get to class? We suppose one leans the scooter against the row in front of them, lodging the handle between two seats (perfect, so it jabs into your arm while you take notes in class). Then again, if you came in on a scooter, you’re sitting in the front row because you’re super-interested in the lecture everyone else is sleeping through. In that case, you can put it in front of your seat so that when the professor walks by they can say how their 8-year-old daughter has the same one… and a matching flowered helmet! Another question arises with the advent of these geed-haulers: Do you take your scoot-
er to your girlfriend’s house on Friday night? Chances are, you will have to make a precarious trek down JPA and you can’t wear your helmet because messing up the ‘do will salt your game. We imagine you would roll in there with a wheely, but not one of those tailwhips because nothing is worse than taking that thing to the ankle. Who doesn’t remember (hopefully from your pre-pubescent days) going to spin your Razor only to have it bang you right in the ankle? Mom gave you a big bag of ice and a Fudgesicle to alleviate that immense pain. Well, given you’d be at your girlfriend’s place, she has neither Fudgesicles nor the patience to ice your ankle. Then again, maybe you’ve bonded over your scooter love and spend hours doing “tricks” in her driveway until dark. Hey, if you’re lucky, you’ll take her inside afterward to play some Dungeons & Dragons, only to sneak in a little boob graze you both awkwardly laugh at. On second thought, maybe Razor scooters aren’t Virgin Expresses. Maybe bonding over scooter ownership and the quick, convenient travel it provides is the only path to happiness and true love. Furthermore, maybe there is practicality to the rad tricks one can do on a scooter… No. Just, no. If you are perpetuating this nonsensical travel option and whizzing past people on a two-wheeled, brightly-colored aluminum dweeb-mobile, consider yourself marked. Students have been cleared to sweep the leg and pry the scooter from your pitiful paws…which will then be given to less fortunate youths WHO ARE ACTUALLY ALLOWED TO RIDE SCOOTERS.
7.) Camo Anything: Any time there is a date function involving a white trash theme, guys don’t have to search far into their closets for a little camo. The redneck inside every guy can bring out the garb with no shame. 6.) Sperrys: Back in high school, when you lived in the middle of nowhere with no marinas around, it was safe to assume that the frat star in the making bought Sperrys merely because it was the trend at the time. At the prestigious (or elitist?) University of Virginia, you can safely assume that the Sperrys that hottie over there is wearing were actually broken into while he was sailing his father’s boat. Wooo! Authenticity! 5.) Bowtie: Bowties are like the Longchamps of men’s attire. For the surprisingly little amount of fabric present, it costs $45 to pick one up at Vineyard Vines and $50 in orange and blue at the UVa Bookstore. They are 100% necessary for Foxfield and football tailgating, though, so don’t mess it up. 4.) Ralph Lauren Anything: T-shirts, polos, boxers etc. Anything with that damn little polo player on horseback can turn an ordinary outfit around. It signals to the ladies that he spent a little more on basics than he should, which means he’ll pony up for your guacamole at Chipotle. He’s a keeper. 3.) Being Clean Shaven: Mademan.com once reported that 84% of UVa men in 2010 tended to rock no facial hair. Finally, men took into account that the ladies like them clean shaven (ok, maybe a little sexy stubble). Public Service Announcement: Unless you can pull it off, stay away from No Shave November. 2.) Baseball Cap: Caps with anything on them, be it an actual baseball team, fraternity letters, or any fratty label (i.e. Southern Tide, Vineyard Vines, Southern Proper), are worn regardless of whether it’s actually sunny outside or not. The worn out look becomes something that’s coveted…even if it is because it was stolen from an uncle’s attic. 1.) Nike Shoes: Like any sorority girl, fraternity boys like their Nike shoes. Apparently, fraternity boys like their shoes almost as much as sorority girls. At least Nike can be satisfied in knowing that it has thousands of students walking around as free advertisement at a school they sponsor. Advertising works, people.
Alessandra Hope wrote this
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Punkin’ Pandemonium
theblacksheeponline.com
Alessandra Hope wrote this
The start of the fall season brings about the usual changes: riding boots come back, Patagonias are worn, and leggings become a staple again. More importantly, the fall season is officially back when everything pumpkin flavored returns. It seems that everyone’s Twitter feed blew up when the Pumpkin Spice Latte made a return to Starbucks. Who doesn’t love an “Espresso, [with] pumpkin-flavored syrup and steamed milk. Topped with sweetened whipped cream and pumpkin pie spices”? As far as caloric guilt goes, the pumpkin spice latte clocks in at 380 calories if you have a grande, 2% milk and whipped cream, so it’s certainly not “Shoot a gallon directly into my veins, please” good for you, but not, “bulimia doesn’t seem so bad,” bad for you. To top it off, if you have Plus Dollars, it’s worth making the trek to the Nau Starbucks just to get a Pumpkin Spice Latte. To add to the deliciousness of the PSL, Starbucks also has Pumpkin Cream Cheese Muffins for those who truly have an addiction to the flavor. If you’re already drinking the latte, why not go for the muffin, the same-named top is totally worth it. On a recent trip to the Cook-Out on Route 29 we noticed something new. Something exciting. Something, dare we say, magical. Upon reading the menu at the drive-thru we came across the words “Pumpkin Milkshake currently available!” There was no question about it, that shit got
got. What does this novelty milkshake taste like? At first, you have a spoonful and it tastes like a block of ice. As it melts on your tongue, the aftertaste is an explosion of pumpkin spice. In addition to the delicious after taste of the shake, there are tiny pieces of crust scattered throughout the milkshake, reminiscent of a pumpkin smashed by some misguided angery teenager on Halloween. Next time you go to Cook-Out, make sure to spend a little extra coin to get this amazing milkshake flavor. Your pumpkin tooth will thank you. Pumpkin bread, pumpkin cookies, pumpkin muffins, pumpkin scones etc. these baked goods not only make your apartment smell good, but they’re also a break from the traditional chocolate chip counterparts. They are 100% delicious and 100% worth breaking your diet. Let us not forget the traditional pumpkin pie. While some of you might prefer apple pie to pumpkin pie, Thanksgiving demands a celebration of the latter. Thanksgiving should basically be renamed Pie Day for all intents and purposes. Sure, there’s turkey, mashed potatoes, and gravy, but we all know we’re just staving off the moment before we can pounce on the pie like stray dogs on a bone. Sadly, girls tend to take this pumpkin obsession too far. Besides edible things, girls take it one step further into the commercial industry. Pumpkin candles, pumpkin fragrance
oils, Glade décor scents etc.. Obviously, they’re channeling their inner future-housewife when they bring out all the pumpkin scents. While the shopping aspect must be taken into account, girls really do love their seasonal scents, and pumpkin happens to be the smell of choice. While pumpkins do not actually smell or taste like any of the above things without some complicated process fall would not be the same without the reintroduction of Pumpkin Spice Lattes, pies, and scents. We might as well enjoy them while they’re here. Or at least until white peppermint mochas and eggnog becomes the drink of choice come Christmas season.
From the Streets
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Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
You have good but not absolute evidence that a classmate is having a relationship with the TA. Your reaction? “I would be unsure, but I would ask someone for advice and try to intervene in some way. It would also depend on the ages involved.” - Nicole
“I would be surprised, but it wouldn’t be enough for me to do anything.” - Nick
“I would let them be.” - Melody
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
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Gastronomical Studying
Lauren Bryant wrote this
A late night of studying requires sustenance. Since no one studied as planned over Fall Break (read: Fall Long Weekend), you’re going to need to put the studying into overtime this week, which will require food and beverages that satisfy your stomach as well as your brain. There are many options, and the pros and cons of each need to be weighed in order to maximize your studying efficiency (God knows you are probably going to fall on your face from this attempt, literally and figuratively). Luckily, we’ll do the work for you. First of all, let’s examine appropriate study beverages. The decision hinges on several things, but you know just as well as anyone else that it’s all about how you respond to caffeine…if you don’t have access to Adderall. College students love caffeine, but far too many of us start bouncing off the walls at the first whiff of coffee. If, however, you’re going to be staying up as late as possible and need an obscene amount of concentration, then skip the pot of coffee and head straight for a black eye, coffee with a shot of espresso in it. This anabolic steroid of a beverages maximizes caffeine intake while minimizing fluid consumption, meaning you’ll have one less excuse to get up and wander around Clemons. And, let’s be honest, your reading won’t be interesting, so you should just go ahead and jump to this caffeine-riddled regimen.
For the people who stop drinking caffeine after 9 a.m. because it keeps you up all night, forget you read this. No one wants to hear the noise of you cleaning out the refrigerator, doing your workout DVD, and cooking a feast because you finished work at a decent time. Damn you people that actually get work done in the naturally lit hours. May karma come in the form of a townie hitting on you at the bar. Now you need to address an entirely different stomach staple: actual food. While a “study beer” is often awesome, many students quickly blow through a six pack, so try to mix it up with some snacks. As you start studying, you may only need those light, healthy snacks of apples and peanut butter, your favorite vegetable, or mixed nuts. “Healthiness,” though, is not something you do, and images of a Jimmy John’s bike-boy will start dancing in your head. Your paunch is going to need a bit more sustenance while still avoiding the dreaded “itis,” the food coma. Try to eat something that’s not too heavy, but something with protein that will last and some carbs for the long haul. For those of you playing at home, this means you need to go grab a meaty sammich…and maybe another study beer. You should be able to get your mind back on your work after satiating your stomach, as it’s no longer yelling at you.
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If you’re really pulling an all-nighter, or something close to it, get sugary with the food. This could be your key to crushing that exam like an obese child on a pony ride. And sometimes you just need to reward yourself for your effort with a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. Hey, it’s hard work stalking hot members of the opposite sex on Facebook. Now that you have a guide to the appropriate late night study snacks and beverages, your stomach will finally cooperate with your study goals and you’ll make the most of your late night study sesh, or just continue to comment on Instagram photos. At least you won’t be too tired for that.
OCTOBER!
5 horrors of Higher Academia that Will Probably definitely Happen on your Campus, Too Penn State: Betsy Aardsma
University of Georgia:
Anna Hamilton/Susie Caruthers
The Facts: Young Betsy was a regular young English major, and like any young English major she was spending a late night in the stacks, researching an upcoming paper. Innocently using the stacks the way they’re supposed to be used (not getting high in, or having sex, you sickos) she was stabbed through the heart by two men – who have yet to be found to this day. The Legend: The aisle where Betsy was stabbed is still in use today. Amongst recordings and strange reports coming out of current students, there was one student who had been researching books in the same aisle, and later woke up to a strong sensation of being strangled – whether he was just hiding his autoerotic asphyxiation habit or not is up to you. The Fear: Every campus has an old library that for some ungodly reason still keeps Japanese criticisms of Dutch interpretations of Moby Dick around – it’s the never-ending labyrinth higher education. Since the Internet can’t always provide you with
streamlined porn and Moby Dick interpretations, you have your lug your ass to the library stacks. Alone and confused in the dark, you are extremely susceptible to being stabbed and left for dead, as the rickety librarian leads EMTs to the spot she thinks you might be. There aren’t cameras, and no one knows you’re there… better prepare to make it your place of eternal agitation.
Illinois Central College: Crampton Hall The Facts: A university resident hall, Crampton Hall, was built in 1873 - a cursed year that saw Levi Strauss and Jacob Davis receive a patent for using copper rivets to reinforce work pants. Built to house 69 men, this dormitory has a history of men being trapped in closets. This should surprise no one. The Legend: Two reports of similar tales occurring on different dates exist. In one, a young man is found dead in his closet, hanged in such a way that he could not have done it himself. The other tale has several men pre-gaming in a dorm room. When the bros finally decide to roll out to find some hoes, they call on another
bro. Entering his room, the find him tied up in a closet, upside down, naked, and incoherent. The Fear: Closets are necessary for any modern man or woman. Without them, clothing would be strewn willy-nilly across a room that’s already breathtakingly small. They’re a necessary evil—housing everything from t-shirts earned through intramural sport to t-shirts received by signing up for various campus clubs. Closets aren’t going anywhere. Hell, there’s probably a closet in whatever room you’re reading this in right now, dear reader. If you’re lucky, there’s even a naked dude in it.
California State University Channel Islands The Facts: Opened in 2002, Cal State Channel Islands is housed in a series of buildings previously known as Camarillo State Mental Hospital—an insane asylum. This seemed like a good idea to someone somewhere who had never seen a scary movie in his life. The Legend: A variety of ghostly occurrences have happened on the campus, from ghosts dancing in the light only to disappear, to ghosts of the crazy and the dead wandering the grounds. Basically, a lot of ghosts doing scary stuff in a scary place. Also, the cafeteria food at this place is supposed to be pretty sub-par. Stay away from the Italian Veggie soup, it’s definitely not made from scratch. The Fear: What’s the point of even eating soup if it’s coming out of a big plasti—Oh, the ghost stuff. Well, what’s terrifying about that is, we can’t prove whether or not ghosts exist; so even
The Facts: Two ghosts are known to haunt different sorority houses on the University of Georgia campus. First is Anna Hamilton, who witnessed her boyfriend get murdered, then buried under the steps of the Phi Mu house. Then, at the Alpha Gamma Delta house, one Susie Caruthers hung herself in the attic after being stood up on her wedding day. The Legend: Girls have reported being able to communicate with Anna, and many hear her crying in empty rooms of the house or at the top of the stairs. Susie’s ghost is a little more active, as she glares at people through the attic’s windows, walks around the attic, moves furniture around, and turns lights on and off – typical ghost stuff. The Fear: Who knows what history the building you live in holds. You moved in at the beginning of the year - but think of all the prior occupants, all the creepy energies that have moved in and out, slept where you sleep, hung themselves in the closet you drunkenly peed in last weekend. Ignorance is bliss, sure, but maybe you should think about why all your drawers got pulled out, instead of blaming your drunken self. Maybe you should think twice next time you privately masturbate on Sunday mornings – someone could be watching.
Manhattanville College: Marissa Pagli The Facts: Marissa Pagli was killed in 2010 by her own mother after a domestic argument in the staff housing apartment they shared on campus. Marissa’s mother stated she killed her daughter because Marissa was “disrespectful all the time.” Remember kids, bitches be crazy. The Legend: Other than the mother’s vague reasoning, there’s no real rhyme or reason to this murder. A note that explains the motive has not been released to the public, and the family’s life was seen as stable prior to the murder. Out loud this time, class: bitches be crazy.
though the idea of one is kind of stupid, someone could just go and be all, “But you can’t prove they don’t exist!” and they’d be right about that, giving them some sense of self-satisfaction even though they haven’t proven their crackpot conspiracy theory, and the look of smugness that will inevitably creep across their face is just the worst.
The Fear: It’s a cold, dark night at State University and you’re in your room alone when someone knocks. You quickly minimize the pornography on your computer screen and tiptoe to the door. A sense of dread washes over you as you whisper “Who is it?” hoping desperately that only silence comes from the other side. Then it happens, a response: “It’s… your mother.” Slowly, you begin to realize that you’re in college and you’re living with your parents. If that doesn’t make you want to die, nothing will.
the interview
owen
Owen is the solo project of Chicago-based Mike Kinsella. Known for his soft melodies and complex acoustics, Kinsella is an influential force in the indie scene. His most recent album, Ghost Town, can be downloaded on iTunes or streamed at polyvinylrecords.com. Otherwise, catch him touring the east coast October through December. (Catch him on twitter @mybandOwen) By: Quinn The Black Sheep: Your first few bands were with your family - a couple with your brother and cousin, what started that? Did you guys start playing when you were little kids? Owen: Oh yeah, my brother is a couple of years older and he started a high school band that practiced in our basement. I would sit upstairs, pick up a guitar and try to play along. Then eventually they realized I could play all their songs, so I joined as second guitar... and then they were the only people I played for the first five years of my career. TBS: You eventually had to take over, because you’re pretty damn good at guitar. Owen: The other guy is actually way better at guitar than I am - Victor Villarreal, and he’s played in multiple bands as well - he’s pretty fantastic. TBS: But you’ve got some pretty intricate guitar tabs and lyrics one must pay attention to, does that call for a more intimate crowd? Do you ever get frustrated with bigger crowds? Owen: Yeah, [laughs] I shouldn’t say this, but it used to bum me out, like depress me. Every so often I’d get crabby and make an asshole remark on stage or something. But I’ll just play my songs for the people trying to pay attention - so I play the best I can for them. TBS: So you’ve moved from recording in a studio, to recording at home, and back to the studio. What did you like about recording at home? Owen: I wanted to learn how to do it, first of all. I think it helped me understand, helped me write songs - to understand the process of recording them. Like putting different layers on top of things, the capabilities of cutting and pasting and looping. But eventually I got too stagnant, and I never got too good at it, so I thought I should probably just pay the professionals. I spent too much time setting up mics and looking for the sound I heard in my head. Someone who knows what they’re doing could do it in their first try. TBS: Are there any songs that work a lot in the studio, but don’t transfer to the live show? Owen: Oh yeah, I mean most of them [laughs], it’s kind of a joke and kind of not - there are a bunch of songs that I never bothered learning after they went on the album, because halfway through the song another guitar or something comes in that completely changes the song - so if we did that live there’s no effect - it’s either not going to be there or not be the same effect. TBS: I saw that you played at Heads And Threads? (Ed. Note: Heads and Threads is a shoddy wig shop in Chicago.) Owen: Oh yeah. TBS: What was that? That is insane. Owen: We were just looking for random places that would make for an interesting setting, and we walked by and saw the heads in there. My buddy went in and asked if it was okay - there were a couple old Asian ladies and they’re like yeah, that’s fine... So I played basically to them, whoever else walked into the store, and a bunch of fake heads. TBS: For your most recent album, Ghost Town, you were married and had just become a father, did that affect the album at all? Owen: Definitely changed the content of the lyrics - instead of talking about failed relationships and pining over girls - it’s more about being in a relationship, and the good things and struggles with that. Having a kid is a total mindfuck, like, a lot of my stuff is faith-based: me struggling with not having a faith, but wanting to have one. You want there to be an afterlife and a purpose to all this, so it definitely changes the content. Like my daughter is going to a Catholic preschool, so she’ll come home and ask things like “Can we sing songs about the father?” She doesn’t really know what that means, so it’s kind of funny. TBS: You’re pretty active on Twitter. How has that changed your relationship with the fans? Owen: I like Twitter; my Facebook page isn’t really me, but my Twitter is. There are some days where I don’t really post anything, then I’ll have a couple beers, watch a movie, and post like a hundred things. It can be a very personal thing, nothing bums me out more than when I follow someone I think highly of, and all they do is try to sell you stuff or promote stuff… And I’ll post when I have a show in different places, but I don’t want to bombard people with that administrative stuff. TBS: So where can people buy shirts and records and stuff? Owen: You can pretty much find everything at polyvinylrecords.com!
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
it’s always sunny in philadelphia thursday, october 18 at 10pm on fx
Season 8’s second episode features Frank (Danny DeVito) concocting a plan to undercut Philly’s tough garbage men’s union so he can get the contract to collect the city’s trash. This may be a worse get-rich-quick scheme than the kitten mittens in season 5, but we’re damn excited to see how it’s not going to work out.
paranormal activity 4 in theaters october 19
The 4th installment of the popular film franchise follows a teenage narrator Alice (Kathryn Newton) and her family. They get some mad creeps when Katie and Hunter (of PA: 2 fame) move in next door. When creepy Katie goes to the hospital, Alice’s mother takes Hunter into the house, where shit predictably goes down in a terrifying way.
Kendrick Lamar - Good Kid, M.a.a.d. City in stores october 23
Compton-raised Kendrick Lamar may have a slew of wellreceived mixtapes and EPs under his belt, but his first major label record is the icing on the cake for the up-and-coming hip-hop artist. Collaborating with industry legends like Pharrell and Dr. Dre, Lamar’s much-anticipated album will discuss his life in the infamous city of Compton. Did you know a crazy motherfucker named Ice Cube lives there?
page 12
theblacksheeponline.com
bartender of the week John B. Ten Are you a Charlottesville native: Well, I’ve been here since kindergarten! Favorite sake: Square One - it’s a very clean sake and very smooth and easy to drink, even if you don’t normally like sake. Would you mix it with anything: It’s great by itself - I wouldn’t mix it with anything. But we have a lot of sake cocktails - our house martini is the Ten martini which is Ciroc vodka mixed with sake and aloe juice. We also make a mojito out of the sake, it’s really good as well. Do you have a favorite spirit: Everyone who bartends around here is really into bourbon. We’re fans of the Manhattan - we are very, very strong advocates of the Manhattan. We like to do a more traditional style with rye whisky and sweet vermouth. The employees drink more Manhattans than customers order them, but when a customer does order one and we make it for them, they love ‘em. Anything notable that customers like to order: Our most popular martini is called the Setting Sun vodka with pomegranate liquor, a little cinnamon, and pineapple juice - it’s really popular, especially with girls.
the drinking game
BAC - Tosh.08 Comedy Central has a tendency to play day-long marathons of reruns before getting to the shows people actually want to watch (South Park). If you’re lucky, you’ll turn on Comedy Central to find a run of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia or Futurama episodes. However, if you’re not so lucky you will be forced to watch a marathon of a naked Daniel Tosh making tasteless dick jokes. Doesn’t he know that’s our job? What You’ll Need: Cans of beer or mixed drinks, whatever you so desire. Number of Players: As many people you can find that like drinking and internet videos. Level of Intoxication: If you follow all of the rules than you should be as drunk as the average idiot in most internet videos. How to Play: Take one drink when: -Somebody hurts themselves in a video. -Something is blurred/bleeped out. -Tosh makes a self-deprecating joke. Take two drinks when: -Tosh makes a racist joke. -Tosh hints at his homosexuality.
Take three drinks when: -Tosh says, “And for that, we thank you.” -Somebody in a video is speaking Russian. -Somebody in a video is clearly almost killed. Finish your drink when: -Tosh is fully nude. -Tosh’s “20 Seconds on the Clock” actually lasts more than 20 seconds. -The word “Reddit” is spoken.
The Game Ends When: Karmic justice comes around and he’s decapitated by Islamic fundamentalists on video.
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Do you use concentrated flavor syrups separate from bitters: We make a few - like togarashi syrup, essentially like Japanese five-spice in a sweet syrup. We make a really spicy margarita with that. We make a lemongrass syrup, and yuzu - a very potent Japanese citrus, like lemon on speed. How do you find the Charlottesville scene compared to others: I go to bars all over the country, and we hold our own pretty well. A lot of bars down here take themselves really seriously, like the Skybar - folks who invest lots of time in the art of the cocktail - they’re like professors over there. I’ve been to bars in New York that don’t make a Manhattan nearly as good as we make ‘em at Ten. Best drink to go with sushi: I think beer tastes best with sushi - wheat beers have a nice clean, citrusy finishing to them and a natural spice, and that tends to go really well with raw fish. What’s the most unusual drink you’ve made: I had one drink special when Downton Abbey was really big - I randomly found a jar of marmalade, so I decided to make a bourbon drink with marmalade and call it that it sold really well!
Recipe for Disaster
Bacon Chocolate Chip Cookies This is one that you’ll want to share with friends, but if you have no friends, you can still put yourself up to the challenge. That challenge being a competition between your arteries and your colon to see which one can get clogged first. What You’ll Need: ¾ cups flour, ½ teaspoon baking soda, ¾ teaspoon baking powder, ½ cup plus 2 tablespoons butter, ½ cup plus 1 tablespoon sugar, ½ cup plus 2 tablespoons brown sugar, 1 egg, 1 teaspoon vanilla extract, ½ cup chocolate (dark, for you wild and crazy types) morsels, 8 slices of crispy bacon Cook Time: Approximately 35 minutes. Fatty Factor: Didn’t you read the intro, fatty? Let’s Get Baked: - Toss the flour, baking soda, and powder into a bowl. - Whip that butter and sugar good until you get a nice, fluff-like concoction. Add an egg for good measure and go all Devo on it. Give that vanilla some love too. - Your flour/baking soda/powder mix is feeling lonely. Toss it in with the wet stuff. - Douse that sucker generously with chocolate and bacon (make this phrase a part of everyday life). - Let this all sit in the fridge for a day. - Preheat your oven and line a baking sheet with parchment paper. - Scoop your mix and cup some balls. - Bake ‘em to your perfection for around 20 minutes, and let them cool before devouring. It’ll take a few minutes for the stroke to kick in but when it does, just ride out the storm.
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page 13
The Black Sheep Guide to the Apocalypse: Election Edition
Phil McCracken wrote this
November 6th marks the 57th presidential election in the United States of America. It’s hard to get a consensus from Americans on who should govern the greatest country in the world for the next four years, but one thing everyone can agree on is that if the WRONG/ RIGHT man is elected, it’s the end of the world. We are incredibly smart people at The Black Sheep, yes. But with great smart comes great responsibility. We can’t tell you who to vote for, but we CAN tell you what will happen if you let the wrong person into the White House: the end times. If the wrong man gets into the White House this year, you can count on rampant baby killing/ mandatory ovary surrender for all Americans, and every Sunday will be spent in state-sanctioned church/burning all Christian institutions to the ground. Obviously, we can’t let this happen. But what can we do? PREPARATION: Register to vote. In the battle against the homophobic/successaphobic monster, the only bullet the not-wrong candidate has is your vote. If you don’t register or you think your candidate has it in the bag/isn’t that great anyway, you may as well give a vote over to the other guy, and we all know where that leads: China collecting their debt by selling your sister as a sex slave to Russia/ the government placing all gays, women, Muslims, Jews, atheists, Mexicans and poor people in internment camps. Register, yes, but remember to prepare for the worst: stock up on birth control, soap, booze, Korans, porn and freedom/ guns, Bibles, straight sex, soda, crucifixes and freedom, just in case. Also toilet paper. You’re really going to want toilet paper when the government/world collapses.
THE BATTLE: You are only one voter in a country with around 150 million other voters. That can be disheartening. But do not let your heart be troubled, little hobbit. There are many ways to make sure your vote counts! For example, the night of November 5th, go to every Republican/Democrat house you know and nail the doors shut so they can’t get out to vote for the antichrist/antimuhammad. You could steal the identity of every American that’s ever died and vote a billion times in a row. You could volunteer as a campaign intern for the wrong guy and act like a complete idiot on TV, just to screw up Romney/Obama fans. The possibilities are as endless as your imagination/willingness to steal other people’s ideas. Whatever you do will be totally justified as long as it helps prevent the war on women/ the war on Jesus. THE AFTERMATH: If the wrong man gets elected President of the United States, you may as well move to Canada/your summer home in the Cayman Islands. That’s just all progress toward equal rights/a balanced federal budget gone straight to Hell/ whatever secret hippy Muslims believe is the opposite of secret hippy Muslim heaven. Say goodbye to condoms and healthcare/ Christmas and small businesses, and hello to 1950s era civil rights/a thousand years of darkness as promised by Chuck Norris himself. If the wrong man gets elected, it’s possible - nay, likely - that he will personally end your way of life with his stash of guns/telekinesis. If you feel at all threatened, you must disguise yourself as a homeless minority on welfare/WASP for the next four years to avoid persecution.
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The stakes are incredibly high this election. We can no longer stand idly by as politicians threaten to plunge us into another bloody war/ kill all our fetuses. It’s our duty as Republicans/Democrats - nay, as Americans - to keep the wrong man out of our pockets/uteruses and make sure this powerful/peace-loving nation is in a fit condition to pass on to our children/grandparents on Medicare/Oh my God you did not go there/Oh, like you’re any better, manipulating everyone with your children talk/Well, we won’t have any left if your kind keeps aborting/And we won’t have any grandparents left if your guy’s economic plan goes through/His economic plan is sensible and I’m sick of paying for lazy assholes like you to go to the doctor/Real nice, and I guess you’re sick of paying for schools in struggling areas too/The MARKET will speak for the distribution of federal funds/America is not a business you goddamn idiot/ Maybe it would be in better shape right now if we ran it like one, you socialist prick/I’ll kill your face/I’ll kill your religion/I’ll kill your baby/I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT, OBAMA IS A BABY KILLER/ROMNEY HATES POOR PEOPLE/It is so on, baby-killer/See you at the polls, homophobe/ I KNOW YOU ARE BUT WHAT AM I?
the quiz: what kind of trick-or-treater were you?
9-14 Points: The Kid Who Didn’t Dress Up
Every October 31st, people, normally kids, dress up and walk around collecting candy from strangers and neighbors because, well, America rules. But not every punk-ass kitty or pro-basketball player always played nice. Take our quiz to find out what kind of kid you were when you trick or treated back in the day.
8) Did you ever trade your candy? a) Not really. b) I always talked kids into giving me their Snickers for a stupid Tootsie Roll. c) Oh yeah! That was half the fun at the end of the night!
6) What did you use to collect your candy? a) The biggest pillowcase I could find! b) Eh, my pockets and… stuff. c) This lame bag my mom sewed for me.
9) On November 1st you see an elderly man cleaning up toilet paper in his lawn. How do you respond? a) I totally help to clean up. b) It’s not my problem, so I don’t care. c) I just giggle.
7) a=3, b=1, c=2 8) a=1, b=2, c=3
9) a=3, b=1, c=2
answer key
5) Who would you go trick-ortreating with? a) Just a few trustworthy friends... b) All sorts of kids from my group of friends and the neighborhood. c) A bunch of lame neighborhood kids.
5) a=2, b=3, c=1 6) a=3, b=2, c=1
3) What was your go-to last minute costume as a child? a) I’d just throw on a mask. b) A sports fan. c) I was always prepared and I never had some half-assed costume.
7) How would you respond to the old lady who handed out nickels? a) Aww, I thought it was still so sweet of her. b) I was like, “Whatever, can I leave yet?” c) I liked them, it made for great ammo.
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Editorial manager Pierce Bishop
campus director Brendan Bonham
Advertising Manager AJ Nair Writers Spencer Schloss, Ana Saragoza photographer John Soong distribution manager Peter Finocchio Social media manager Monica Mohapatra
15-21 Points: The Kid Who Tricked
An immature prick of a kid, you thought candy was dandy but toilet papering and egging a house was a lot more rewarding. The folks who left out a bowl of candy and relied on the honesty of kids to take only one piece got screwed over by your punk-ass. And to top it all off, handfuls of kids went home crying because you stole their candy just because you could. Today you have at least one misdemeanor under your belt, and have never stayed faithful to a significant other.
22-27 Points: The Kid Who Was Too Old
Even when you were of an appropriate age, you had an enthusiasm about Halloween that wasn’t seen amongst other kids. As you got older, you didn’t really know when, or how, to stop trick-or-treating, and you didn’t think it was a big deal. Most parents didn’t like that you still took their mini-Musketeers every October 31st, but no one could deny your passion. Today you have a lot of underage friends, and really don’t think the dorms are that bad!
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copy editor Lauren Bryant
3) a=2, b=1, c=3 4) a=1, b=3, c=2
2) How far in advanced would you plan your costume? a) I’d start brainstorming in July and have a solid plan by September. b) A few days before, but then change my mind at the last minute. c) Like 10 minutes before I went out.
4) Did you ever do anything naughty on Devil’s Night? a) Nah, I’d be playing video games inside. b) No way, I’d be putting the final sequins on my costume. c) Smashing pumpkins was more than just a band name, after all.
1) a=1, b=3, c=2 2) a=3, b=2, c=1
1) What was your favorite part about Halloween as a child? a) School that day was a huuuuge joke. b) Everything!!! c) That pranking people was socially acceptable.
You cynical bastard. You were either too cool to care about a costume, or you really just had no desire to get off the couch for a few hours to gather free candy. When your parents forced you out, you barely threw a sheet over your head and shrieked “Boo!” to the smiling little old lady who still put a Bit-O-Honey in your basket. Today you spend a lot of time smoking weed on the couch, and have strong feelings about the election.
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Disclaimer
The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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