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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
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Volume 5, Issue 2 9/6/2012 - 9/20/2012
The Black Sheep Guide to the Apocalypse:
Alien Annihilation Edition phil mccracken wrote this
Last week we told you how to survive a robot apocalypse. Hopefully you read that carefully, because we’re 99% sure that the world will end in a robot apocalypse. But we at The Black Sheep are nothing if not thorough. Yes, there is a chance the world will end before robots get a chance to revolt against us. It’s not likely, but possible. Using our incredible journalistic minds, we calculated the most likely scenario for premature global annihilation in order to prepare you for the end of the world. The answer is simple. It’s been right in front of us this whole time. Aliens. Did you seriously think people built the pyramids? Or that cows in America mutilate themselves as a practical joke? Or that Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was anything but the highest form of art? We pity your unenlightened mind. Aliens are real, and as soon as the Mayan calendar - the ancient force that has protected Earth all these thousands of years - runs out of time, so do we. The aliens are coming, kids. Hang onto your asses. PREPARATION: Any species of hyperintelligent space creatures that invests the time, energy, alien money, and alien materials to build a spaceship and travel thousands of light years across the universe in search of someone, anyone to share the vast emptiness of the universe with and feel just a little bit less alone, is going to be pretty ticked when the only species they find still kills each other over religion. And really, who can blame them? It would be like finally getting a date with that pretty girl you’ve been pining after since freshman year, only to discover that she thinks the Jews were behind 9/11. We’d be miffed, too. Unfortunately for us, those hyperintelligent spacecreatures will have us totally outgunned tech-wise and, with their volatile alien emotions, will seek to obliterate us. Stock up on mirror clothes for the alien laser guns and butt chastity belts for your butt. If it’s not possible for you to take refuge on the moon, underground will have to do - dig a shallow hole and lay in it, face up, until the aliens leave (don’t ask us why, just trust us). If you have any friends from small planets in the vicinity of Betelgeuse, now would be an excellent time to hitch a lift with that frood.
gettin' paid, (not) gettin' laid
Oh, so you'll do anything for money? our van is over here...
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THE BATTLE: We’re hopelessly out gunned. We’re surrounded by hostile aliens attempting to repurpose us into meat mist. We’ve got the bastards on our right, on our left, in our faces and at our backs. To quote a true American badass, “They can’t get away this time!” Is there anything more American than staring down a pissed off horde of aliens and telling them to go to hell? (We mean, besides obesity.) If redneck stories are to be believed, and we think they are, aliens have a thing for hick buttholes, and America holds a monopoly on hick buttholes. They’ll be coming for us first. And you know what? Bring it. Aliens are not used to Earth’s atmosphere, or water, or small children throwing rocks at their dumb little heads. We have all of those and Will Smith. Hide in your shallow holes until the aliens don’t know where you’ve gone and have to leave their ships to look for you. Once you have them out in the open, hit those creepy gray freaks with Super Soakers, bear pheromones, and anything else you can get your hands on! You think aliens have silly string? No! They’re totally unprepared! Spray their eye stalks or helmets or goggles and beat the ever loving crap out of them with a baseball bat! AMERICA! THE AFTERMATH: There are three ways an alien invasion can end: - We win. We fight the aliens with our primitive Earth weaponry and cold viruses, and the invaders are annihilated. Sure, the streets of every major city in the world will be smeared with the blood of living creatures who just wanted to know that they wouldn’t have to face the cold clutches of eternity alone in this universe, but a good power wash or two should clear that right up.
what’s inside
- We lose. The aliens manage to squash any hope of human resistance with their overwhelming technological advantage and we are forced to be their obedient slaves, farming and mining resources for them until we die of exhaustion at the age of 28. The only bright side is that if you’re strong but dumb, the aliens will probably breed you to other strong and dumb humans in a crude husbandry system. - Extermination. If Earth is in the way of a planned hyperspace bypass, or Krikkiters escape the Time Lock Capsule, or Daleks are incredible dicks, there will be no aftermath to speak of. Earth will be utterly annihilated, without a single hint that we ever existed left to the universe. All of Mozart’s symphonies, lost. All of Renoir’s work. Every word ever written by Shakespeare. Beer. The rest of the galaxy will never even care that we lived, let alone died. But, we guess you just have to measure that loss against the shame you’d feel if the universal community learned you allowed Octomom to be famous. When we put it like that, maybe utter extermination isn’t that bad.
the black sheep's guide to a perfect party
confused partygoers can't find booze in waldo library
need this? then maybe you shouldn't throw a party.
Freshmen, can't live with them, can't get laid without them.
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Do you know who these hotties are? Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!
Scholar Kitty last week’s answers
Taylor Swift & Andrew Cooper
"Is that a beer can in your pocket...or you are just really, really, really happy to see me?" (Want to be famous next week? Awesome.) Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com
word of the week Blognosis:
Any self-categorized illness one gives him or herself after researching symptoms of diseases on the internet.
“Toby gave himself a spinal meningitis blognosis after researching neck pain on WebMD.”
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Fifty Book Deals Pending Hannah weyer wrote this Unless you’ve been living under a very dark rock for the past six months, you’re aware that 50 Shades of Grey has been selling like crazy. Maybe your friend has it on her reading list, or your grandmother called to ask what S&M means. Maybe you’ve even read it yourself, if you’re a weird and creepy old woman whose idea of a good time is thinly veiled erotic Twilight fanfiction.
9. Tables: “You heartless whore! I tried to be reasonable. I can invade a country! Don’t just do something, stand there! You’re going to look pretty silly with that knife sticking out of your ass. Go ahead, make my day!”
Fifty Shades of Purple
Ron said.
The American presidential race was heating up, much like the Earth, although whether you thought the heat was from natural cycles or man’s influence really depended on who you were voting for.
“And welfare and healthcare reform,” Al-Bishi agreed.
Former governor and businessman Ron Glover was upset about how the national televised debate against his opponent for the White House had gone. He and current President, Babar Al-Bishi, didn’t see eye to eye on a lot of things, and Ron hated that they had got off on such a wrong foot. After the curtain lowered on the debate stage and his two wives kissed his cheeks and congratulated him on a successful debate, Ron resolved to find President Al-Bishi and try to set things right. It was what Joseph Smith would have done.
Al-Bishi stubbornly persisted in being shirtless. He grinned. “The economy can use more offshore drilling.”
Ron Glover slipped past the crowd of aides, supporters, wellwishers and less successful politicians under the pretense of going to the bathroom. He wandered down a less crowded hall, to Al-Bishi’s dressing room. Ron took a deep breath and straightened his hair in the reflection of his gold plated üPhone, a phone so expensive, broke college students aren’t even allowed to know what it does. He knocked on the door. “Coming,” called a muffled voice. Five seconds later, President Al-Bishi opened the door, shirtless and surprised.
Stephanie frowned disapprovingly at the naked man in the kitchen. “Mr Park, do put on some clothes. You have company.”
The room suddenly seemed very hot to Ron Glover. “And… the economy needs a little… stimulation.”
Ron gulped. “For oil?” “Right,” Al-Bishi murmured, trapping Ron against the dressing room wall. “That too.” Fifty Gazillion Dollars
Genius gazillionaire playboy philanthropist Antoni Park grinned and tossed her an apple. “My howsh, my rules, Steph. Thish isn’t 1941.” Stephanie blushed. “Are you drunk? It’s 9 a.m.!” Antoni tripped over his feet. “That takesh true commitment, wouldn’t ye shay?”
Ron found himself fighting to keep his eyes on the President’s face, rather than his smooth, chocolaty chest. “Is… is this a bad time?” Ron asked.
Stephanie looked over the heartless, nude businessman. Even though she thought he was rude and drunk and sometimes cruel, there was something almost charming about him. Maybe that’s why she couldn’t help blushing when he stood on his toes to pee in the sink.
“Not at all,” Al-Bishi said, walking back into his dressing room. Ron Glover followed, inner Goddess blushing at Liberal impropriety. The door shut behind them.
“I can change him,” Stephanie said.
“How can I help you, Governor?” Al-Bishi asked, lighting a cigarette. Ron coughed. “I feel bad about how the debate went today. I didn’t mean for things to get so ugly between you and me, so I came to see if there was any way we could start over.” Al-Bishi smiled. “I think that’s a good idea,” he said. “You and I aren’t that different. We both love our country.” “Right!” Ron Glover said, getting excited. “We both want what’s best for our people!” “Exactly!” Al-Bishi grinned and stubbed his cigarette out. “And some of our policies are actually pretty similar!” “Like our foreign policies regarding Afghanistan and Israel.”
Things Clint Eastwood yells at 10. Chairs: “What do you have to say for yourself? What do you mean shut up? I will not shut up, it’s my turn! You’re absolutely crazy! You’re as crazy as Joe Biden! You can use a smaller plane. Make my day!”
Are we judging? Yes, absolutely. But more than that, we want to take advantage of this fanfiction-cum-BDSM erotica phenomenon and make an ass ton of money off the suckers who actually pay for this crap. To that end, The Black Sheep is proud to present the next big titles in romantic fiction! Or, not proud… What’s that other one? Deeply ashamed and filthy to our very core?
“Oh,” Al-Bishi said. “Governor Glover. What are you doing here?”
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“Whuzzat?” Antoni asked. “Oh, shoot! That was supposed to be in my head!” Antoni laughed. “Haha! ‘Shoot!’ You’re so old fashioned, Shteph!” Without fully stopping peeing, Antoni turned around. “And I could usesh a little Old Fashioned, if ya know what I mean.” It was useless to deny her feelings anymore. Stephanie rushed into Antoni’s shaky, drunk arms. And then they sexed. Yes, we realize these are just two short examples, but consider the fact that our writing staff came up with these 40 minutes after we merely read one chapter from 50 Shades of Grey to them. Also consider the fact that our writing staff is a group cigarette-smoking chimpanzees chained to typewriters in my basement.
8. A Pot of Water: “NOBODY puts ketchup on a hot dog! Why can’t you bring them home tomorrow morning? You make lousy conversation. We boil at different degrees. Is this something I’d like to be in? I didn’t like it. Make my day!” 7. A Lady’s Purse: “I don’t fear death. I’ve been called a lot of things, but never funny. Everybody was trying, Oprah was crying. Buy a toaster! I might have gone into music. Society is at odds with itself. Make my day!” 6. Car Keys: “Well, you can just get yourself another delivery boy. They’re all insecure! I haven’t been very active in politics. Killin’s too good for you! A grin with a body behind it. Childhood is like animals! I’m just a kid.” 5. An Empty Pop Can: “I ain’t gonna be hitting you with my face. Where they fall is where they fall! I’ve always been Libertarian. People love westerns worldwide. They do not go around hot dogging it! Make my day!” 4. A Poster of Himself: “We own this country. We- we own it. You are the best! Opinions are like assholes. You thought that was something worth doing. Do I feel lucky? Do ya, punk? I will not shut up! Make my da- MAKE MY DAY!” 3. A Bra Cup: “I don’t mind telling a dark side. Thunder and lightning are made in Heaven. It’s not a joke, it’s a rope. If there is a gun around, I want to control it. I could hear the leaves rustle and go on a journey. Make my day!” 2. Face Lotion: “We are like boxers. Clyde’s an orangutan. All those things Republicans maybe used to believe in but don’t anymore. Aging gracefully is a talent! Would I like to tell it? Let everybody else do what they want!” 1. His Computer: “I’m not a chick flick enthusiast. Let tears fall in the beer. I’ve been a Republican since 1951! Death is out there. Maybe there’s some vibration, some connection. Aging can be fun! Make my day!”
WMU staff wrote this
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the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
Gettin’ Paid, (not) Gettin’ Laid WMU staff wrote this You’ve paid rent. You’ve paid your bills. You’ve bought your books. Now you’re broke. Reflecting on Welcome Week makes your mouth as thirsty as your wallet, so what do you do? Get a Job: This may not be an immediate fix to the present problem, but for the sake of keeping America productive, it’s the best way to go. It’s hard to find a job these days, but they’re still out there. Stay optimistic. WMU has a job program called BroncoJobs where students can set up an account and send out applications and resumes to all the jobs available on campus. Off campus, there are still many opportunities, you just have to keep an eye open for them. And remember, drugs sell themselves. Ask Parents: I was on a family vacation in South Carolina when my brother-inlaw pulled me and two of my cousins aside for his only advice: “Ask your parents for help when you need it, because this is one of the few times in life when they’ll be willing to send you money for almost no reason.” Sometimes it’s harder to do than others, but getting a stimulus package from the parental units can be a quick economic fix. It’s easy to link bank accounts so that parents can transfer immediately-usable money to their kids. Just because they’re paying for your tuition, books, and rent shouldn’t mean they can’t spot you some extra money to go get drunk 3 times a week! Cans: It’s surprising how quickly the number of cans can escalate for a college student. Each can is worth ten cents in Michigan, so
why not do your part for the ecosystem and get a little back? Collecting cans on the side of the road can prove to be a profitable game here. Hell, grow a beard, start wearing garbage bags and walk around campus collecting cans! Michigan pride! Pan Handle: Your dad always said you were a bum, but did you know that the average annual wage for pan handlers in New York is $60,000? That’s a lot of under-the-table, tax-free money. There’s a guy who panhandles in Chicago by Union Station, he just sets up a beach chair with an empty Kool-Aid container and talks to people as they pass by. I have never seen his money container less than half full. Ever. Now don’t go dropping out of school because of this information, because it’s not exactly “legal” everywhere. If you can manage to stay on the move, and only accost a few people late at night, you should be able to stay off the cops’ radar. You just need to buy train tickets back to your family, right? Just a few bucks? For your family? Search Couch: My couch will be running as an independent for the next election. Rather than the incumbent's previous slogan, my couche's signs will read “Hope For Change.” There’s usually a lot of pennies and dimes just underneath the cushions, and even more if you’re willing to dig. Once when I was looking for change I found $5, a copy of Beerfest, and a $20 gift card to Best Buy from my 14th birthday. The older the couch, the more its powers grow. However, beware of couches in college. Let’s just say they get a little more “action” than your couch at home, and blindly sticking your arm into its crevices might not be the best idea.
Sell Plasma: This is actually the quickest fix, but also the most intimidating. There are two plasma centers in Kalamazoo, both downtown. The process of selling plasma requires one free physical from a staff member, a questionnaire, and then finally the separation of the plasma from your blood. Sure, the place is usually littered with homeless people, and the “staff” is barely capable of sticking a needle in your arm, but the process is a quick thirty minutes (to an hour and a half depending on your heart rate). You can even do it twice a week! Just don’t go boozing afterwards, or your blood might start to leak out! College-broke is much better than real world-broke because we all have multiple outlets to funnel money from (admittedly those outlets are 90% our parents). When you’re broke in the real world, you just die. But don’t worry too much, one day it will all make cents.
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
“What do you think about the theory that the world will end in 2012? "I think it’s stupid. I don’t believe in doomsday predictions." - Andre, Senior.
"Bullshit! Wait, can I say that?" - Sandra and Christine, Graduating and Junior.
“I personally don’t think the world will end. But, hey, we all have our own opinions.” - Blair, Freshman.
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)
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the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
The Black Sheep’s Guide to a Perfect Party matt brinker wrote this
With everyone trying to make their mark on campus during the first couple weeks of school, this is prime time for outrageous house parties. Throwing a memorable party requires more than copious amounts of alcohol. While kegs and dirty tubs of “jungle juice” are a good start, this guide will ensure that your party doesn’t fizzle out before dawn. The More Entertainment, the Better: Of course beer pong and cornhole are staples of any drinking environment, but each of these games only occupy the four players who are actually playing. Solution? Something people can watch. Anything with scantily clad females will draw a crowd. Always. Jell-o wrestling, pole dancing, or anything of the sort is a guaranteed hit. Other options include firebreathing baton twirlers (ask around, you’ll be surprised), drunk guy willing to do stupid things, or anything else that will make people stop and watch. Use your imagination. Dancing is a Must: By 1a.m., everybody who’s looking to hook up needs an excuse to push their bodies closer to other bodies, and an iPod dock in the middle of the kitchen won’t cut it. DJs and bands are always a good selling point, but not everybody has the networking necessary to secure semi-professional performers. But you can still get a professional feel for your party! After all, what is a DJ except a college student with a MacBook? Throw in a couple of colored strobe lights from Meijer and nobody will know the difference!
Safety Third. Ghetto basement stairs are dangerous, and nothing kills a party faster than a bloodbath. If your stairs are extremely narrow, steep, or poorly constructed, take precautions before it’s too late. Ensure that railings are secure and duct tape is liberally applied to any potential trouble spots. Use your best judgment BEFORE your judgment is impaired. DIY home improvement suffers with the effects of alcohol. If you’re lazy, just slap a “broke” sign on potential hazards. Also, having guests sign a waiver before entering the party is sure way to let them know it is going to be an epic party. Feed the Masses: We all love food. As socially perverse as it may be, even the nicest guy will raid your fridge when he gets hit with a case of the drunk munchies, or “drunchies.” If there is anything you want saved or anything potentially messy, DO NOT leave it where it can be foraged by a druncher. They will need some substance to keep up the energy, so keep late night delivery numbers at the ready and be prepared to give out your address—slowly and repeatedly, with clear enunciation.
Keep an Eye out for Creepers: We’ve all been guilty of hitting on a girl who is out of our league, but not all of us have the decency to walk away with our tail between our legs. Also, not everybody can distinguish between “hitting on” and “groping.” Nothing kills the gender ratio quicker than an over-aggressive loser who will not leave the party without getting some tail. As the host, it is your job to identify him and make sure he does just that. As quickly as possible, by force if necessary. We all love drunk girls, but if you want them to come back next time, you have to make sure they feel safe. Don’t even Bother: If you have to take tongue-in-cheek tips from The Black Sheep, maybe you’re more of a party-goer than party host. Start calling your friends and see what else is going on, because your party is going to suck a fat one. Or have a party, as humans we must learn from our mistakes – like a bunch of hungry, bored college students trapped in your basement because the stairs collapsed.
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page 10
Confused Partygoers Can’t find Booze in waldo library
theblacksheeponline.com
WMU staff wrote this
In an amusing moment of misinterpretation, a group of WMU freshmen admitted to wandering around Waldo Library for several hours Saturday night while looking for the bar area.
ing in every study room and hallway for the seemingly secret bar. One freshman, Carl, was assigned to begin pulling every book off of each shelf that touched a wall in case a hidden passageway was concealed nearby.
“Yeah, so some guy in one of my classes told me to head to the library tonight because he was planning on buying everyone free drinks,” one of the freshmen, Alex, said. Everyone in the group wished to remain nameless, but their first names were visible on school ID lanyards hanging around their necks. “But we seriously have looked everywhere in there, and can’t even find where the bar is. I guess that dude was just punking us.”
“It made sense to me,” said Carl. “I’ve seen that in movies so I thought what the hell?”
According to reports, the group of four freshmen first approached the reference desk around two o’clock and inquired about the mysterious do-gooder, fearing that they had already missed their free drinks. The café employee then gave them what Alex described as a “what the hell is wrong with you” look, and asked them to leave. “But, obviously we weren’t going to give up that easily,” said Vince, another member of the group. “This guy was an upperclassman, we had to go and show him we’re cool.” The group proceeded to comb each floor of Waldo, search-
After two hours of searching, the group decided to return to the reference desk, and began whispering potential passwords to the employee. After several failed attempts, and the final whisper and wink of “shitfaced,” the employee called security and had the four boys kicked out. Earwitnesses reported that the students began protesting and begging the guard to please tell them where the party was. “It was kind of pathetic, actually,” said one girl who was present at the scene. “I think those kids might have been high or something though, because they kept raving about trying to find the bar in the library and acting like there was supposed to be a party or something going on. But come on guys, it’s a library.” Once outside, the frustrated boys were almost ready to give up and call it a night after speaking with this reporter, who did not have the heart to point out their mistake. The
BETWEEN HITTING THE GYM DURING THE WEEK
AND ALL THOSE
PARTIES ON THE WEEKEND WHY NOT DO SOMETHING
COMFORTING
FOR YOUR BODY?
352 S. KALAMAZOO MALL, KALAMAZOO | TUDORHOUSETEA.COM
group did note that they had a couple other places in mind to try to find their party before giving up. “I mean, he might’ve meant the public library,” said Alex. “Maybe if we hurry he’ll still be there, let’s go!” The group then ran off toward the public library, making sure they had all the details of the WMU - Illinois game correct so as not to embarrass themselves in front of any of the upperclassmen they would surely find at the public library. In other news, The Library on W. Michigan played host to many happy customers on Saturday Afternoon, as an unnamed patron bought free drinks for everyone who stopped by over a three-hour period to enjoy the Broncos' season opener.
WE U MA SE P PRO DE RO DU IN DU LY MIC C T HIG S AN !
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bartender of the week Morgan The library Nickname: Morg
You know, the one where they throw their limbs everywhere and stagger around!
Favorite Drink: It doesn’t have a real name, but it’s made with the perfect combination of peach vodka and UV Blue, cut with pineapple juice. I make it for the girls who don’t know what to drink. I call it: The Peachberry! Favorite Shot: This one goes by the name of Almond Joy: Malibu, Crème de Cocoa, amaretto and cream. “I Dare You” Shot: I haven’t tried it, but the hip new thing is a shot of Jameson, followed by a shot of pickle juice. They call it “The Pickle Back.” If you were trapped on a desert island, what would you bring: A jet pack, for a sure escape. Best Dance Move: The Drunk Girl Dance!
the drinking game
Candyland
Best Dance Movie: Oh, Grease. I used to love John Travolta. Count of Monte Cristo or Zorro: Zorro, definitely. Best Superpower: Telekinesis. I’m pretty lazy, so it’d be cool to move stuff around with my mind. Reading people’s minds wouldn’t even be fun. I’d never want to be that that girl from True Blood. Favorite thing to do in Kalamazoo: Going downtown to look at all the shops and go to the festivals. Best moment of Summer 2012: Going to Cedar Point the third day it was open. No one was there. There were no lines, it was awesome!
Recipe for Disaster
S’mores Puppy Chow
So maybe we’re trying to hold onto our childhood, or maybe we just find pleasure in corrupting childhood games. Either way, this game is bitchin’.
It’s hard getting away with eating dessert for breakfast, but lucky for you we’ve come up with an airtight recipe that will have you cramming sugar down your gullet on a daily basis.
What You’ll Need: Candyland board game, alcohol of your choice, beer. Number of Players: 4 Level of Intoxication: You’ll be trying to get Princess Lolly and Queen Frostine to skinny dip in the Ice Cream Sea.
What You’ll Need: Fruity Pebbles, strawberries, cool whip, butter, plastic bag, 9 inch pie pan. Cook Time: 30 minutes. Fatty Factor: You’re basically eating a stick of butter, so take that for what it’s worth.
How to Play: - Set up your Candyland board game and stack your shuffled cards together in a pile. - Set up four shot glasses and four cups of beer. - Players must choose a color that will remain theirs for the rest of the game. - First player must draw a card and move to the closest corresponding color. - If the color on the card matches the player’s color, they can move ahead to the closest square of that color. This player also chooses one other player to chug a beer, one second for each square the piece moves forward. - If the color on the card is not their color, they must move backward on the board to that color and chug beer for one second for each square the piece moves backward. - The player then sits on that color until they pull their color, taking a shot every turn they don’t.
Let’s Get Baked: - Fill a large plastic bag with Fruity Pebbles. Smash the bag until all the cereal is crushed to little pieces. - Combine ½ cup of butter with the cereal in a bowl and microwave until the butter is melted. - Stir until all the butter and cereal is one hot primordial soup. - Take your “pie crust” and lay it down on your buttered or non-stick pan. - Place in a 350 degree oven for about 10 minutes, take it out and let it sit for another 10 minutes. - Once cooled, fill the crust with cool whip. - Pop in some cut up strawberries or preferred fruit. - Dig in!
The Game Ends When: Someone reaches Candyland or someone gets Gloppy all over the board.
download our app for all of our drinking games!
You might think because it has the word “pie” in it that it must be a dessert. Well, it also has the word “cereal,” and therefore you can eat it for breakfast!
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6 Fall Films That Probably Won't Suck
Sadly, summer is over, spelling the end of the summer blockbuster. The Avengers, Amazing Spider-Man, The Dark Knight Rises - and other non-superhero films that people cared about all came out this summer. Sadly, there are no more huge hype machines screaming at us from every conceivable media outlet about what to go see. Gone are guaranteed action, adventure, and intrigue, now the threeminute trailers for movies coming out now may contain the only entertaining moments of the entire film. That doesn’t mean everything will be crap. Here we have a list of six flicks that look to be worth the time this coming autumn. By: Michael Mattucci
Dredd 3D - September 21
Frankenweenie - october 5
pitch perfect - october 5
Based on the 2000 AD comic-book character, Dredd is a member of a police force of the future called Judges who have the authority to act as judge, jury and executioner. They are the law. After the 1995 Sylvester Stallone catastrophe known as Judge Dredd, this movie should easily hurdle the low-set bar left by Mr. Sly’s goofy turn as a roided-out future Rambo. However, while it will undoubtedly be an improvement from its 90s counterpart, on its own merits it could still fail to impress. It's a simple story, and for it to work the direction and performances need to be on point, lest it turn out to be a Michael Bay-esque action orgy.
Tim Burton remakes his own 1984 short film, this time going for the stop-motion he's so famous for (even if he didn't actually direct The Nightmare Before Christmas). The main character, Victor, loves his dog so much that he finds a way to bring him back to life! Shenanigans ensue as he tries to keep his creation a secret from the rest of the neighborhood. And no, he doesn’t have sex with the dog, why would you even think that?
A musical comedy about a group of misfits who form an all-girl a capella group to compete against the boys? Clearly it's a Glee/ girl power! cash-in, but could the student surpass its master? Glee has always been a "you love it or you hate it" program, but many Gleeks are losing faith in the show. Pitch Perfect looks to plummet down the forgettable movie musical hole, joining the ranks of Hairspray and From Justin to Kelly. If it doesn’t, we’ll sing its greatness from the mountaintops, because who doesn’t need more ridiculous musicals full of singing teenagers? It’s just like real life, minus the social awkwardness and bacne!
By reworking one of his earliest concepts, Burton has the opportunity to get back into form with a dark but family-friendly comedy that also tugs at your heartstrings. Remember the emotional rollercoaster that was Dark Shadows? No? Well, neither do we. Oh well, at least he's not bringing his wife, Johnny Depp, and his mistress, Helena Bonham Carter down with him this time.
Paranormal Activity 4 october 19
The Man with the Iron Fists november 2
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 | november 16
The exact plot is being kept under wraps (probably because it’s the exact same plot as the other three films), but Katy and her nephew Hunter, both missing since the events of the first two films, are now living next door to an unsuspecting family. These movies certainly stick to what Edgar Allen Poe called a "singular effect.” But just as Saw through Saw XXVI proved, many consumers love being force-fed the same scare tactics. And while they do try and change the game a little with each installment, overall we can't imagine this film will change your tune if you disliked the first three. And if you disliked the first three, why do you keep coming back? PHONY!
This is a story of a village in nineteenth-century China banding together to fight off a larger threat. Don't come to the theater expecting any level of historical accuracy. The Man with the Iron Fists looks to be a crazy over-the-top kung-fu action film with its own unique style brought to you by RZA, one of the most prominent members of the Wu-Tang Clan. However, he only co-wrote the film. His partner in this endeavor? Eli Roth, whose writing experience centers around the teenagers he brutally tortures in his gore-porn films. So let's hope he didn't help with the dialogue this time around. Here is a Rothian gem from Cabin Fever, in case you’re not familiar with his genius: Paul – “Why would you wanna kill squirrels?” Bert - “'cause they're gay.”
This made it on the list because regardless of the hate it gets, the franchise has a huge fanbase that throws its parent’s/boyfriend’s money at it. A success is a success. It's Twilight - no further introductions needed. If you're a Twilight fan there's pretty much nothing I can say to make you want to go see this any more or less than you already do. As for the people being dragged to this by their significant other, one can only hope that the film comes full-circle from terrible to terribly entertaining. Otherwise, constant remind your partner of the sexual courtesies they owe you for actually seeing this.
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yuvonne
marie
jake
Nick
Where you’re from: Battle Creek, MI
Where you’re from: Manhattan, NY
Where you’re from: Chicago
Where you’re from: Chicago
Who are you excited to see?: Knife Party
Who are you excited to see?: Alesso
Who are you excited to see?: Team Bayside High
Who are you excited to see?: Mord Fustang
Who are you wearing?: Hello Kitty
Who are you wearing?: Bass Bunny
Who are you wearing?: Stuff from a thrift store.
Who are you wearing?: Nero
What’s your favorite rap lyric?: “Fuck bitches, get money.”
What’s your favorite rap lyric?: “Bring the motherfuckin’ ruckus!”
What’s your favorite rap lyric?: “Trappin’ ain’t dead, niggas just scared.”
What’s your favorite rap lyric?: “Girls, rub on ya titties.”
Alex
kitty
j-dizzle
alexa
Where you’re from: Chicago
Where you’re from: Another World
Where you’re from: Clouds
Where you’re from: Indiana
Who are you excited to see?: Knife Party
Who are you excited to see?: Knife Party
Who are you excited to see?: Knife Party
Who are you excited to see?: Axwell
Who are you wearing?: “Ray Varner’s clothes.”
Who are you wearing?: My clothing.
Who are you wearing?: Bear Man Big
Who are you wearing?: Homemade everything.
What’s your favorite rap lyric?: “Throw ya mouth on it.”
What’s your favorite rap lyric?: “I can’t do that right now.”
What’s your favorite rap lyric?: “Suck a dick, ho.”
What’s your favorite rap lyric?: “I can’t think right now.”
tyler
erica
chloe
charlie
Where you’re from: Grand Rapids, MI
Where you’re from: Battle Creek, MI
Where you’re from: Midway
Where you’re from: Brookfield
Who are you excited to see?: Axwell
Who are you excited to see?: STS9
Who are you excited to see?: Knife Party
Who are you excited to see?: STS9
Who are you wearing?: My blue Morphsuit.
Who are you wearing?: American Squidbilly Rash
Who are you wearing?: Everything
Who are you wearing?: Wakarusa
What’s your favorite rap lyric?: “Smoke weed every day.”
What’s your favorite rap lyric?: “Rub on my nipples.”
What’s your favorite rap lyric?: “Party at the Holiday Inn!”
What’s your favorite rap lyric?: “I got that good dick girl, you didn’t know.”
the Seek and find
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Love Where You Live!
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