The Black Sheep
fr ee ... lik ey ou r
'I v ot ed 's tic ke r!
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 5, Issue 6 11/1/2012 - 11/15/2012
theblacksheeponline.com @black_sheep_wmu
So You're At the CMU Game Hannah Weyer wrote this
The following is a conversation between two young Western Michigan Broncos. Naïve in their youth, they traveled to Mount Pleasant early, in hopes of staking out a nice tailgating spot. However no one ever saw these boys again. Friends and family began to wonder where they went, and a scratchy phone conversation was turned into The Black Sheep. The two boys are still missing to this day, but The Black Sheep has reason to believe they were sucked into the depths of CMU – a female Chip woo’d them into her broad Central Michigan vaginal tract, and that’s where they will stay forever. Read with care, this could happen to anyone: Mike: Alright, we made it… This is going to be a good weekend. Roger: I don’t understand why we’re even here… M: You don’t understand? The Broncos are playing. It’s the biggest football game of the season, and I can’t just watch it on TV! Our school pride is at stake! R: Right. Let’s just find a tailgating spot. Whatever trials we face in this wasteland, we’re going to face them together. We’re gonna get out of here alive and- GAH! What is that? M: Where!? R: It’s like if a gorilla mated with chlamydia and the offspring was hit by a pink Vespa! M: It… it can’t be. R: It’s the Female Chip! Mount Pleasant is filled with them, and from the smell of it, this one’s in heat! M: What do I do? R: Quick, cover your balls! These creatures make Jersey Shore Guidettes look like nuns! M: I’m hiding them, I’m hiding them! Why is she still coming?! R: Quick, make threatening animal noises! Puff out your chest to make yourself look bigger! DO NOT BLINK!
M: Beer? Where? R: Okay, you see how his hackles are raised and he’s stumbling toward you like a mentally handicapped three legged dog on a patch of ice? That’s how Chips defend their territory. Let him know you don’t want his beer and back away slowly.
M: I don’t know! It’s as if Central Michigan University is so terrible, my body would rather drink alcohol-pee-sweat than face it sober! R: Okay, so you know the problem. Now you can - wait, where did you go?
M: Grrr… GRAOW! Rrrrow! Hissss! R: Yes, good! Moo! Woof! Rabbit, rabbit!
M: But I do want his beer. R: What? No you don’t! Stop screwing around!
M: Oops. R: “Oops?” What do you mean “oops?”
M: It’s working! She looked confused and walked away! R: That is not surprising. Chips are known for being bewilderingly unintelligent.
M: The Chip girl made me remember how sober I am! R: Look at me, dude! LOOK AT ME! You’re in enemy territory! You have to keep a clear head; sober is your only defense right now!
M: Have you ever been so drunk that you accidentally had sex? R: How can you accidentally have sex? Does sex even work that way? What’s that thing behind you?
M: I don’t like this place. R: Me neither… Look, a normal! Ask him how to get out of here! M: No, that dude grunted and tried to scratch my face! You said he was a normal! R: I thought he was a normal! He looks like a normal! M: Dude, what the hell is that smell? R: Okay, NOW I can recognize the Chip. They do that sometimes to defend their nests from predators. Their scent glands go crazy and they expel a noxious gas. You must have come too close to his beer.
The Black Sheep Guide to the Apocalypse nuked to shit edition. boom!
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M: I don’t like it! I DON’T LIKE IT! R: Believe me, I know! But we’re gonna make it, I promise! You just have to- what are you doing?! M: I knocked out the Chip and took his beer. R: Put it down, you fool! Chip beer is poisonous to humans! M: Oh, God… it’s all warm and it tastes like pee and sweat! R: That’s what Chips like! Put it down and we can- why are you still drinking it?
what’s inside From the Streets
M: I totally didn’t mean to, but Chips are so easy, it’s hard not to sleep with them! R: The Clap-Gorilla we met earlier? Jesus, man, what were you thinking? M: I wasn’t thinking, okay? DON’T LOOK AT ME! A faint rustling muffles out the voices and the high-pitched shriek is the last distinct noise before the phone cuts out. We’re not sure what happened to these boys, but we hope to God they got out of Mount Pleasant alive.
bartender of the issue
Our Couples Halloween Questionnaire!
Whitney at The Grotto thinks your crazy, but she likes you.
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The Top 10
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Reasons to vote 10.) Economy: Ours is a little crappy right now, which is bad news for you. The good news is that with this election, you get to choose who owns your grandchildren- America’s wealthy or the Chinese. 9.) Civil Rights: It’s embarrassing that this is even an issue in 2012 America. How many minority struggles have we been through so far? African Americans, women, immigrants, Native Americans, Asians, Latinos, and now this - Christian heterosexual values. Liberals can be so insensitive.
The Black Sheep Guide to the Apocalypse: Nuked to Shit Edition Phil McCracken wrote this
Iran has taken everybody by surprise this election season by still being an issue. Not only is it still an issue, it’s one of the reasons you shouldn’t vote for the other guy - the other guy would totally screw up the Iran foreign policy by farting on Ahmadinejad’s wife, probably. And that’s a problem, because Iran’s getting a little nukey over there, and America isn’t atom bomb-proof yet. And Iran’s not the only one. Since Crazycakes Jr. took over for his father, North Korea is a bit of a wild card. We know Kim Jong Un has taken these last couple months to purge his government of possible dissenters, we know he comes from a very long line of crazy people and we know he has nukes. But other than that, the man is a pudding-shaped enigma. What do Iran and North Korea have in common, other than a continent and some apocalyptic weapons? They do not like America. You know who that’s bad news for? America. And also you. And probably England and Germany and the rest of the UN. And poor little Israel. And K-Pop stars. And Japan. But Australia’s cool. Everyone likes Australia. PREPARATION: Quick, what can survive a nuclear attack? If you said “cockroach,” go stand on the White House roof until the bombs come, stupid. Our society does not need your unhelpful little trivia. Everyone else, let’s brainstorm. 1950s information suggests that school desks are rendered un-nukeable when you duck and cover. Switzerland swears by its numerous atomic shelters, even though no one asked them, and those neutral mountain folk are pretty much the least likely of any of us to get a nuke shoved up their ass. Spielberg says fridge. Whatever shelter you designate before the bombs hit, make sure it’s stocked with nonperishable food and plenty of water. Also Twinkies. Twinkies are probably the only food in the world that only gets better with radiation poisoning. While these preparations will be useless at ground zero, it’ll be pretty important when nuclear mutant cannibals come knocking at your door.
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THE BATTLE: The good news is you live in Michigan, and Michigan is very unimportant. Iran and North Korea probably don’t even know you exist, much less want to nuke you. The bad news is the North Korean and Iranian leaders are very crazy, and there’s no evidence to suggest either has good aim with warheads. If Ahmadinejad’s finger slips and the New York bomb falls on Detroit (it’s funny because no one will be able to tell the difference!) we’ll be mostly safe in Kalamazoo, only having to deal with the odd refugees and some fallout. But obviously, you won’t sit idly by while inbred crazies kill your countrymen! That’s not how your mama raised you! If you don’t have an Iron Giant or a Magneto handy, you can try shooting your own nuke at the nuke and hope they cancel each other out before it hits. Or you can fly to North Korea and punch Kim Jr. so hard that he wasn’t even born and never collaborated with Iran to bring down the United States, thus bending time itself to your will. THE AFTERMATH: WWII taught us a big lesson about how America deals with problems. When confronted by Nazis, the very face of evil itself, countries like France and Denmark roll over immediately and cry uncle. When attacked at home, America loses its shit and starts busting skulls all over the world (see: the War on Terror). So when the radioactive dust settles and we’re coughing gamma radiation into our fists, do you seriously think we’re going to shrug and accept it? No. F*ck you. Every American that falls means a hundred more lives from the nukers. If you survive the nuclear bombs, you will be expected to channel those gamma rays into Hulking out on the bombers and their allies. Debilitating deformities and seven types of cancer aside, nothing will be more terrifying to Kim Jong Un or Mahmoud Ahmadinejad than a deadly army made up of six-eyed emerald freak mutants thirsting for their blood. Yippee ki-yay, motherf*ckers. And we’ll probably develop a tentacle fetish, if we’re going by Japan’s example.
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8.) Complaining: Kvetching about the government is the favored pastime of every red-blooded American. From taxes (too high) to foreign wars (too many) to education (two stoopit), it’s comforting to know that we can blame the government for our problems. But you know who doesn’t get to complain about the government after the election? Nonvoters. Either give your opinion when it counts, or shut your corndog hole, Commie. 7.) America Promises to be Gentle: Come on, baby. You’ll like it, promise. What about just the tip? Just to see how it feels? How do you know you don’t like it if you’ve never tried it? We can go nice and slow if you want, and it’s totally up to you if you want birth control. All your choice. 6.) Stickers: After you vote, a lot of voting stations will give you a neat sticker that says you voted. You can wear it all day and feel superior to the lowlings without neat stickers. “Oh this?” you’ll say. “Yeah, I got it when I was exercising my democratic right to choose my own representation. You know, the one our ancestors fought and died for? But I like your Adventure Time sticker, too.” 5.) You Don’t Want the Other Guy to Win: Not voting is basically the same as voting for the guy you least like, in the same way that not calling shotgun in your friend’s car is basically the same as volunteering to sit between your wasted friend and his sweaty roommate in the back. 4.) You’re In Your 20s: Everyone knows at least one person who isn’t voting because “all politicians are scumbags anyway so what does it even matter?” And most of the people who know this doucheturtle want to punch them in the face. Cynicism looks like wisdom when old people do it because everything looks like wisdom when old people do it. Cynicism looks like jaded assholery when young people do it, because the government has not done anything sufficiently bad to you in the 20 years you’ve been alive to merit that sort of pessimism, Mr. I-Can-Afford-Higher-Education-At-AReputable-University. 3.) You’re The New Generation of Adults: And maybe it’s a silly generation that still watches SpongeBob and eats Trix cereal, but you are all the adults now, and it’s your turn to decide what America means. The rules your parents voted in don’t have to apply to you anymore, so long as you fight to own your country. 2.) Karma: It’s probably not too far a stretch to say you’ve done some bad things in your life. Terrible things. Dark things. And you might not even be the religious type, but supposing there’s a Hell, and supposing you’re judged for every little thing you do, wouldn’t it just be safer to go there with a few democratic duties fulfilled? 1.) Because America: Love it or hate it, this is your country. For everything America has done or is doing for you, everything it was and is, America deserves your voice and it deserves your faith. Maybe it made Jersey Shore, and maybe it still has some kinks to work out, but damnit, when something’s broken, you don’t just throw it away. You stay and you fix it and you make it well again. Forget Creationism: those are the old fashioned American values we should be teaching.
WMU staff wrote this
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Five Ways Fashion Determines the Election WMU STAFF wrote this With all this talk of “leading the free world,” lately, we’ve realized that there’s a lot more going on with politics than just dead baby laws and making weed legal. If the major news agencies are any indication, fashion is the most important thing to follow when trying to decide which candidate to vote for. So, here are five quick tips to help you make an informed decision. What color tie is the candidate wearing? Sure, they wear ties so illiterate deaf people can still tell who to vote for, but more importantly, a tie is a quick way of checking fashion sense. A red tie obviously looks better with a black suit than a blue one, but what about with khakis for a town hall? Whichever candidate pulls of the tie better clearly knows how to pay attention to details, and not let small things like trillions of dollars slip by unnoticed. How nice does the first lady’s butt look? The president’s wife’s ass, also known as the first fanny, is something you’re going to see a lot of for the next 4 years…so choose wisely. Every time she hugs her hubby after a big speech or they’re spotted walking out of the hottest heroin alley in D.C., you’re going to catch a glimpse of that sweet thang. Picking the president whose lady best knows how to dress herself is a bold decision, but it certainly one that will pay off. Speaking of asses, how does the V.P. look in a swimsuit? I don’t know how likely it is that you’ll actually see the vice president in a swimsuit, but now that we’ve brought it up,
it’s definitely an image that will weasel its way into your mind at the most inopportune moments. Do you want to see a scrawny man in oversized trunks or a sweaty guy in a speedo when you’re going at it with that hottie? Well, it doesn’t matter much anymore, because you’re inevitably going to visualize them both. Probably kissing. And rubbing sunscreen onto each other in all the right places. Now, to get vice presidential dong off your mind… Look at the candidate’s flag pin. Is he wearing one? Good, because if he’s not, he legally cannot be running for president and is probably a terro-communist. Now look at the size of that flag pin. Is it bigger than the other guy’s? Good. But is it too big? Look at it, it’s taking up half of his shirt. You don’t want your country run by a man who has something eating away at him, constantly demanding that he prove himself to the world and his ex-girlfriends, but you don’t want it run by a talking dick monster either. It really all boils down to... Boner concealment. That’s right, how well does he hide his dick disasters? There’s no way both of those dudes have NEVER gotten hard standing in front of crowds yelling at each other. We're at half-mast every time I yell at the pizza guy for being late, so these guys have got to be boiling over. Next time they’re on T.V., just stare at their junk. Get really close to the screen, analyzing just how much of their wang you’re seeing. You don’t want a man running this country who lays all of his tools out for everyone to see, but
you don’t want him to hide everything he has at his disposal easy. The man with the best boner balance is clearly the best choice, so look hard at who’s hard and stick him right into that tight ballet box. Sure the MEDIA wants you to pay attention to key issues, but think about how much you judge friends, classmates, and potential sex partners on these issues. Don’t you want the leader of the free world to be just like your friends, classmates, or potential sex partners?
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
Couples Halloween Questionnaire Halloween Costume: Sims Couple Favorite Halloween costume: Box of Wine Favorite Pumpkin Decoration: Old English D Favorite Halloween Candy: Reese's - Paige M. and Alex B.
Halloween Costumes: Mr. and Mrs. Fox Favorite Pumpkin Decoration: Starry Night Favorite Halloween Candy: Baby Ruth Favorite Dance: Gangnam Style - Sean V. and Sydney S.
Halloween costume: Blue's Clues and Steve Favorite Halloween Costume: A girl as an 8 ball, and if you rub her she gives you your fortune Favorite Pumpkin Decoration: Cat/lion animal - Jamie M. and Matt S.
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
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page 7
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Top Ten: Questions for Our Presidential Candidates WMU STAFF wrote this Political ads plague our televisions and argument wars are waged on Facebook. It’s almost voting season, which means it’s time we learn about our potential leaders. The debates don’t ask the right questions, we all know the economy sucks and we all know that we depend on oil way too much, what we don’t know is who our would-be presidents are. Here’s a list of the top ten questions that we should be asking to truly understand who we’re voting for. 10.) Would you rather...: The questions to these answers always expose true character. Asking if they would rather “fight Mike Tyson once or talk like him for the rest of your life” gives us a good feel for who these people are and how they’ll handle the “important” problems. 9.) Are diamonds really a girl’s best friend?: We want to know if this guy is knows how to treat a girl right. Are our candidates the type to offer a quick fix with an expensive gift, or are they in it for the long haul, talking slowly and sweetly to us without the need for band-aid fixes. Politics is much like a dating game where both options are equally bathshit crazy, our part is to choose the one that’s going to putout in the least amount of time. 8.) Are you a cat or dog person?: A simple answer but one that speaks more about character than most questions we hear about on the debates. Just remember: one cannot have an equal love for both. Pets are like children, we always love one more than the other. 7.) Boxers or briefs?: Do they like to hangout or do they like to keep things close, tight, and orderly? The age-old question and I’ve yet to hear this question asked of our presidential candidates. Maybe they like to free-ball it, this is information we need to know. 6.) If you could be any Power Ranger, which one would you be?: If they choose any ranger outside of The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers of the 90s, they shouldn’t be running for president. If they even think about choosing the Red Ranger they should be put in a room with Rita Repulsa for being arrogant. Choose a better color, jerk. 5.) Coke or Pepsi?: Is our candidate overly sweet or classically calm? The colas have just as much controversy as any political problem and, again, we need to know where our guy stands. If he’s rooting for the wrong soda they might just lose a vote.
4.) White or wheat?: Any good sandwich requires a good taste in bread. Any good politician should know how to make a good sandwich. (There’s a metaphor there, look for it.) 3.) What is your favorite Nickelback song?: If they answer anything other than “none” they obviously have poor music taste and are therefore unfit for office. There is no such thing as a good Nickelback song. 2.) Are you capable of communication in 140 characters or less?: The president should know that our generation is lazy and that we get the majority of our news and facts from Twitter. We’re a lazy generation and we need a leader who can explain to us, in as few words as possible (@2012Election #Vote4Me) so we can actually know what’s going on. 1.) Beer or liquor?: We’re college students, we need to know that our president is down to party with us.
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Big Bird Tells All
WMU STAFF wrote this
A lone figure sits atop a dilapidated brick apartment building. None of the buildings reach more than five stories, but it’s secluded enough for the very clandestine interview that is about to take place. There are a bunch of beer cans and condoms lying around, though, so the interview is slightly rushed in case the local teenagers return. “I used to see so much promise here. Now it’s just all shit,” says the yellow-feathered foam puppet in front of The Black Sheep correspondent, staring out at the carnage below. “The TV show paints it as such a magical place, but it’s a miserable slum that won’t die thanks to the government’s continual subsidizing of the Public Broadcast System.” A Romney/Ryan pin sticks to one of the polyester feathers of Big Bird. He touches it with his fingers while saying, “I’d have worn a vest if those penny-crunching bastards at PBS would issue me any clothes. The paycheck they give us is hardly enough to support my alcohol addiction, let alone food and rent.” When informed that the Public Broadcast System is noncommercialized and thus relies on fundraisers and government sponsorships to broadcast its informational messages, he snorts and dismisses the idea. “This place simply needs to go,” he chirps while lighting up an electronic cigarette. Since the majority of the population on Sesame Street is made of polyester and foam, lighters are kind of taboo here. The Big Yellow Bird was the whistle blower to Mitt Romney, informing him on the wasteful spending devoted to sustain-
ing the lives of the minority Muppet population of the United States. “Then that two-timin’ punk had to throw me under the bus with the rest of these psychopaths. Seriously, who the hell keeps dropping off their kids here? I’m technically a dinosaur if you Google it, and in no way am I a suitable babysitter. Then there is that monster that continually jumps out from trashcans and yells at everyone that passes by. These kids are very aware of him but don’t seem to want to avoid him at all. And everyone seems to forget about the day-walking vampire strolling around. The kids file out of their parents’ cars, and this creep is out there counting each one, like he’s waiting to pounce. This place just needs to be leveled, along with the rest of the forty-seven percent of the United States that’s overly reliant on government subsidies.” It’s definitely a bold opinion. When informed that cutting funding to the only Public Broadcast System would mean that all media would be commercialized, he didn’t seem to care. “I’m still voting for Romney. He may be a white-collar pansy, but he’s better than the foam that prances around these streets. It’s not like I can walk into the Obama office with my tail between my legs either. That extremely petty advertisement his media people came out with makes me look worse than Bernie Madoff for crying out loud.” It’s a good day for the United States of America when the two men vying to either remain or become the leader of the free world can take a break from their message in order to kick dirt in Big Bird’s beak. It’s not as if the United States is facing an environmental catastrophe, an economic downturn rivaling the depression, or a global war that doesn’t
seem to have an end in sight. But let’s focus on making sure commercialized mediums aren't the only ones that get to broadcast information. But why would a Muppet want to leave Sesame Street? It would destroy all the memories and friends here. Big Bird flaps his poor excuse for wings as he responds. “No friends to hold onto and no memories worth saving if you ask me. I’m headed to Wall Street after this. The only equalizer for man and puppet is capitalism. I’m going to make so much dough on Wall Street that Olivia Munn will come crawling right back to me.” Big Bird would not go into any more details of his controversial affair with Newsroom star Olivia Munn. At the mention of her name though, some horny teenagers returned to the abandoned site of our interview, and The Black Sheep correspondent got out while he still could.
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bartender of the Issue Whitney The Grotto Nickname: Whit Personal Quote: “You’re crazy, but I like you man,” apparently I say that a lot. Favorite Shot: Blue magic: amaretto, blue Curacao, coconut rum, rum, vodka, milk. Least Favorite Drink: Old fashioned: muddled sugar with bitters, a little bit of club soda, whiskey, & a citrus rind garnish. “I Dare You” Shot: Not sure, I guess anything with mayo or Tabasco in it. Funniest thing you see on the job: Drunk people falling down the stairs, especially when girls who are all dressed up and in high heels do it. Best Halloween Costume Ever Seen: “Barbies in a Box,” which two of my friends dressed up as one year by turning a refrigerator box into a Barbie toy box by cutting a hole in the front and painting it pink, which displayed them in wigs & bikinis. 2012 Halloween Costume Ideas: I don’t know, my boyfriend wants to go as the lumberjack and the psychologist from Will Ferrell’s character’s dream in the movie Step Brothers, so maybe that. Favorite Halloween Movie: Definitely Hocus Pocus starring Bette Midler and Sarah Jessica Parker. What Would You Do If a Herd of Zombies Busted into the Bar: Run downstairs and lock myself in the room where they keep all the liquor and wait it out.
the drinking game
Social Media Shots Face it: You’re always checking your Twitter feed or Facebook Timeline anyway. Why not make a game out of it? Instead of looking like a jerk when you’re out at a party staring at your phone and tweeting, you can turn it in to a group thing the whole gang can enjoy. What You’ll Need: A Facebook or Twitter account, shot glasses, beer, and hard alcohol. Number of Players: You have like 1,000 “real” Facebook friends, right? Level of Intoxication: Enough to willingly send some nudie pics later on. How to Play: - Take out your laptop or iPhone, log in to Twitter or Facebook, and drink as follows: - Take a shot of beer every time you see: - A sob story status or tweet. - A “Happy birthday!” post. - Someone quoting a song. Take 2 if it’s Taylor Swift. - A “lyke dis if u love jesus/if u hate cancer/if u think this girl’s hot” post. - Completely uninformed political arguments. - Take a shot of hard alcohol every time you see: - A picture of a girl naked/in her underwear/in a bikini. - A mirror shot of a guy showing off his muscles. - Someone announcing they’re getting engaged or having a baby. - Someone using a hashtag incorrectly. - An invite for an “I lost all my phone numbers!” event. - Give a shot of hard alcohol every time you see: - Someone’s relative calling them out on an inappropriate status/picture/tweet. - Someone acting as the “grammar police” in response to a status or tweet. - Someone has favorited or retweeted your tweet or liked your status or picture. - Someone has invited you to join them in Farmville or some annoying Facebook app. - An Instagram link to a picture of food or pretty leaves. The Game Ends When: Everyone feels awful about their social lives or body image.
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Recipe for Disaster
Cavity Bark As soon as Halloween ends, all of the mounds of candy left over in grocery stores goes on sale. After an extreme binge session, you’ll most likely have become extremely bored of the redundant, Juicy-Fruit-caramely-nutty candy pieces. Fear not, because this bark of candy is guaranteed to liven up your candy-eating habits. What You’ll Need: Excess Halloween candy, 1/2 pound of white chocolate, and mini pretzels. Cook Time: 1 hour Fatty Factor: You’ll finally fill in that chubby pumpkin costume you bought a few weeks ago. Let’s Get Baked: - Line an 8-inch square baking pan with parchment. - Heat your chocolate up in the microwave and stir until smooth. Make sure to do it in 15-second intervals so it doesn’t burn. - Spread the chocolate along your pan. - Here comes the fun part: Take any excess candy you have and pile it onto your melted chocolate. We’re talking candy corn, Twix, everything you got! - Stick your pan in the freezer until it’s hardened. This should take about one hour. - Remove the bark from the pan and break into little pieces. - Now stuff your damn face. There are really no restrictions on this one. Except maybe leave out those nasty fruit snacks the teachers next door gave you and the pennies from the old geezer down the block. Shit’s nasty.
Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com
The College Life of Past Presidents Andrew Jackson The ImpetuousAsshole Every once in a while you run into the kid who’s always looking for a fight. For some reason, just boozin’ and ogling girls all night doesn’t cut it for these guys – they need to establish themselves as the manliest man in the bar. Say something even remotely offensive, like “This food is too hot,” or “Hey, where’d your girlfriend go?” and they perk up a testosterone-riddled brain boner. Though our seventh president didn’t go to college, his friends probably hated hanging out with him. Reportedly, Jackson was involved in over 100 duels. And these duels weren’t over human rights or other matters of importance, most were about the honor of his wife, Rachel. Jackson lived with a bullet in his chest from an 1806 duel, and another bullet in his arm from a barroom fight in 1813 with Missouri senator Thomas Hart Benton. Where most guys will eventually cool down and walk away from a fight, Andrew Jackson said, “No, lets take it outside. With guns.”
calvin coolidge The Couch Potato Throughout college you’ll run the gamut of shitty roommates. From the kid who’s always “studying,” to the one who loudly bangs his overweight girlfriend, one of the most prevalent roommate-characteristics is the lazy asshole who never leaves his room. Whether he developed these habits at Amherst College or not is beside the point, because Calvin Coolidge carried them into the White House. Coolidge often slept 10 hours a day, and after waking up he enjoyed the morning ritual of having his head massaged with Vaseline while he ate breakfast in bed. Here the other White House-dwellers do their part in taking care of dishes and not sleeping through the morning – but Ole Calvin sits in bed eating until noon, getting Vaseline everywhere. You suspect the strange smell emanating from his room is beginning to take over the entire house. How he manages to get his work done is inconceivable, so maybe there is something to say about a good head massagin’ every morning.
Not all of the Presidents of the United States attended college, but most of them sure as hell acted like they did. We tracked down the best of the worst—the stereotypes. From fatty to fratty, below are six college stereotypes embraced by presidents long dead. By: Quinn and Brendan
Lyndon B. Johnson The Savvy Sex Machine Everyone comes to college with dreams of a multitude of sex partners dancing through their little brains. Then reality sets in, and you end up occasionally having sex with one girl, then get married, then die. But then there is your buddy, who you regard as a dbag but like hanging out with anyway. Perhaps you’re just jealous that, despite not being great-looking and lacking personality, this asshole manages to bring home different girls on the reg. LBJ, or should we say “El BJ,” was just that bro. He wasn’t in the White House long before installing a buzzer in the Oval Office so the Secret Service could warn him when his wife was coming. Your buddy might have a name for the girls he always brings home because he can’t be bothered to remember their names, be it “Asian Kelly,” or “Dance Floor Jenny.” LBJ couldn’t even go that far, and just called his small army of blowjobbers his “harem.”
gerald ford The Dumb Jock
Normal students often look on student-athletes with a haughty mixture of awe and disdain. On one hand, we love it when Jack Touchdown snags a pass to win a game in triple overtime. On the other, the idea that these guys get a free ride regardless of their academic acumen never quite exits the occipital lobe. With that in mind, one doesn’t expect star athletes to amount to much post-college. If the student-athlete is lucky, he’ll end up as the president of a regional fast food franchise; worse, he’ll end up president of his quickly-dwindling fan club. Then Gerald Ford comes along and shits all over your expectations. At the University of Michigan Ford starred as the football team’s starting center and starting linebacker—like your mom, he goes both ways. And in the days before helmets were worn on the field, he never suffered from pussy diseases like “brain damage” or “an early death.” The dude actually wound up as President of the United States after Nixon was forced to resign following the Watergate scandal. The dude totally smashed Keystone Light and pussy with the same vigor he did the SALT treaty. High five, bro!
William Howard Taft The Jolly Fat Guy His shirt may say “I beat anorexia” or “there’s more of me to love,” but we know behind closed doors this guy shovels ice cream cake into his mouth as he cries himself into a sleep apneainduced coma. William Howard Taft—prior to being eaten by a pack of wolves—was that fatass. Known as “Big Lub” during his time at Yale, he would go on to assume the 27th Presidency of the United States, where the comedic stylings of a fat suit movie continued. Taft was known for his insatiable appetite, and the gassiness that came with it. Furthermore, Fatty Fat Fat Taft famously got stuck in a White House bath tub on account of his fatness. Taft’s presidency lasted only one term which, in light of it resembling a bad Kevin James movie, is a good thing. And if his surely-marbled flesh is any indication, those wolves certainly found him delicious.
John Adams The Degenerate Wake up? Drink. Pass out? Drink. Go to class? Drink. Throw up? Drink. Some of us exist to go on and do great things, others exist as a living, breathing warning sign that things can go awry in a hurry if we don’t get our shit together. Well, unless that drunk turns out to be the second President of the United States. John “The Lush” Adams had a drinking problem, and that problem, most naturally, was his lack of drink. Famously he wrote a letter to his wife stating: “I would give three guineas for a barrel of your cider… I would give a guinea for a barrel of your beer. A small beer here is wretchedly bad. In short, I am getting nothing that I can drink, and I believe I shall be sick from this cause alone.” So yeah, hello spring break drunk dial voicemail. “Girl, I’m hammered but I jus wanna kish your mouth an have yew feed me my boozies an I jus threw up but I’ma be aiirigh---I’m gonna go sleep now, love you. Ya boo, Johnny A.”
the interview
Professional Bowler Michael Fagan
Michael Fagan is the PBA’s #3 ranked bowler. He’s a 4-time PBA Champion with one major under his belt. He’s traveled the world to bowl, and he also has a nickname: “The King of Swing.” Well, now he can check off another item off the ole’ wish list: an interview with The Black Sheep. We caught up with Mike because we were curious, what’s the life of a professional bowler like? Well, let’s find out. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: How did you get interested in bowling? Michael Fagan: I started playing when I was six years old. My grandfather and mother were always bowling, so it was something I did as a kid. I looked forward to hanging out in bowling alleys on Saturday afternoon. As I got a little older I started going to tournaments every single weekend. I made a little money doing it in college, doing amateur tournaments. Trying it professionally was something I really wanted to do after college, so I joined the PBA. I had some moderate success, I paid my dues, and it’s starting to come to fruition right now. TBS: Where did you go to school? What did you study? Michael: I went to St. John’s in Queens, and I studied finance. TBS: How does one make inroads to becoming a professional bowler? Michael: In recent years they’ve definitely opened up the doors. There used to be a qualifying process, but these days if you think you’re good enough and you want to give it a shot, you pay your membership fees and you get your entries in. TBS: How did you make the jump from as you say, “moderate success,” to being one of the best bowlers in the world? Michael: Well, if you look at the first TV show I made back in 2003, I don’t throw the ball like that anymore. Back in college I was a little more irrational, more aggressive with my style—I’ve learned to tone that down a little bit, and I’ve figured out how to balance power and finesse. I’ve also learned to play the lanes differently, and that’s helped too. TBS: What’s your daily routine like? Michael: We have some tournaments coming up, so I’ve been practicing almost every single day. I’ll get up, have breakfast, hit the gym for an hour or so, check some emails, eat lunch with my fiancé, and practice for a couple of hours. Obviously in my profession you have to stay on top of the equipment, so I spend a lot of time in the pro shop trying out new balls and things like that. TBS: When you practice, how do you practice? Michael: For me it’s about working on my technique. Working on timing and releases. It’s situational things like how to play it straighter on the lanes, or if I have to hook it more, how to do that. TBS: Do you play your lane or your opponent? Michael: At the end of the day, you’re playing the lane. But, when it comes down to a match play situation, you have to pay attention to how your opponent is playing a lane, because each one of their shots can change the oil pattern. Someone with a high revolution rate, the oil pattern will change that much faster. At the end of the day, you’re bowing the pins. TBS: How much different is a competition lane from just an average lane in an average bowling alley? Michael: It’s a tough subject, honestly. When I was growing up oil was put on the lane to protect the lane. Now it’s used to alter the scoring environment with patterns. With technology and trial and error, there’s ways to oil the lane that will make the scores gigantic. There’s ways to pattern the oil where you’ll throw it towards a gutter, it’ll hit the dry boards and come back, or you’ll roll it down the middle and the ball will hold its line. We don’t bowl on those types of conditions. If you’re a decent bowler and you go to a random lane you can bowl 220 or 230 with those patterns, but we don’t play anything like that. The conditions we play on are comparatively much more difficult. It’s a tough thing, most people out there may not respect the pros because the scores on the tour may be lower than the scores in your everyday league. Bowling lanes are a business. They want people to strike, so they make the lanes easier to do that. TBS: Do you have a career highlight? Michael: Things have been going really well this past year and a half. Winning the USBC Masters this past January was my career achievement. It’s one of those events where I’ve never had a lot of success, but this year I changed my strategy. Like I was saying, in years past I’d play my opponent and their strategy, this year I just played the lane. TBS: Is there any country that’s crazy for bowling, and the layperson wouldn’t assume that to be the case? Michael: There’s actually several countries that are great in bowling, and it’s kind of a shame that bowling is not part of the Olympics yet—we have the participation and the skill level around the world. The Bowling World Cup sends one representative from each country to compete. 88 to 90 countries participate in it. Some fo the best countries out there are England, Finland, Sweden, South Korea, Malaysia, Singapore. The United States is still the best bowling country in the world, but the gap is narrowing. TBS: Is pop culture accurate? Is the 7-10 split the hardest shot? Michael: I would say I’ve made that more than I’ve made the 4-6. It’s a lot harder to slide the pin over or bounce it out, and I think I’ve only made the 4-6 once in my whole life, whereas I’ve made the 7-10 about 10 times or so. Read more about Michael at his website, faganbowling.com.
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
The details in theaters november 2
Jeff and Nealy (Tobey Maguire and Elizabeth Banks) have been married for ten years and are living an ideal suburban life complete with the rocky relationship and infidelity. Just when things start getting really messy, a family of raccoons ransack their backyard and, before they know it, ruin a whole lot more than just their perfectly-manicured begonias.
flight in theaters november 2
Denzel Washington plays a badass pilot who miraculously crashlands a plane to save everyone on board. Homeboy becomes a hero, but naturally there's a catch - apparently, he had booze in his system during the time of the accident. Seems like an insignificant detail considering the circumstances, but what do we know?
100 Greatest Songs of the 90s Saturday, November 3 from 4pm - 9pm on VH1
If five straight hours of 90s hit songs sound like a great way to start your Saturday night, then this is what you'll need to be watching. So take a drink when P.Diddy is still called Puff Daddy. Take a drink when you know every word to a song. Take a drink when Britney was still hot. Take a drink for the beauty that is the 90s!
l a i t n e d i s e h s pr a face m
Eisenh
The man you see below has spend over 38 years in the White House. What, he's unrecognizable to you? Well maybe you need to hit up a high school history class, or maybe it's just because we took various presidential facial features and slapped them together. Yeah, that's it. Well, can you identify which presidential facial feature belongs to each commander in chief? Your choices are listed below the picture. If you can correctly identify the head, hair, ears, eyes, nose, mouth and moustache of each big boy, email Face@theblacksheeponline.com to claim your prize.
ower, Nixon, Obama, Kennedy Clinton, Bush Jr., Taft
the classtime Good evening, my fellow Americans. This is your new president speaking, and I know that my election win comes as a shock to most of you. Rest assure that even though I only have the brains of a ___1___- cast member, this country is going to get hella better. Here is why: • First things first, ___2___ will become legalized. Not just medicinally but, you know, for ___3___ shows and marathons of ___4____. And those nasty hangovers, my God. • Universal healthcare? Why not! If you broke your ___5___ while partaking in ___6___ fun with your favorite booty call, fear no more! There’s no longer reason to worry about ___7___ or knocking up your ___8___ anymore, because condoms and birth control will be free for all! Especially for ___9____ and ___10___, for obvious reasons. • Because it’s 2012 and not 1812, women will
madlib: presidential speech
have equal rights! Novel concept, huh? So if you had one too many ___11___’s at ___12___ and ended up grinding with ___13___ to ___14___ all night long, and he swooned you with ___15___ and then you ended up on their ___16___ and… you know… well, you can get that taken care of now. Because it’s your body that little monster will be brewin’ in, so it only makes sense. • The troops will be coming home in time for Thanksgiving! So get excited for maxing out on ___17___ and ___18___ football and ___19___, because this is America! Additionally, for the holidays all who have served in the past two decades will receive complimentary bottles of ___20___, ample ___21___ and ___22___ strippers, because, again, this is America!!! My fellow Americans, I hope that you are satisfied with your choice of president. The next four years are going to be bomb as hell, I swear.
1) Reality Show 2) drug 3) rapper 4) TV show 5) body part 6) sex position 7) STD 8) slang for “girl” 9) ugly celebrity 10) slutty celebrity 11) cocktail 12) Local shitty bar 13) ex-boyfriend/girlfriend 14) catchy pop song 15) drunk food 16) piece of furniture 17) thanksgiving side dish 18) NFL team 19) shitty beer 20) quality tequila 21) stimulant 22) hair color
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