The Black Sheep
de lic fre io e... us l th ike an Lik ks e a gi vin ll t g hos le ft e ov er s.
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 5, Issue 7 11/15/12 - 11/29/12
theblacksheeponline.com @black_sheep_wmu
The Lady’s Guide to Movember Hannah Weyer wrote this
What a month October was, right, ladies? Aside from Halloween, Sweetest Day and rum apple cider, it was also Breast Cancer Awareness Month. With pink adorning everything from cookies to NFL uniforms, October was a pretty great month for us and for guys who wore the “I Love Boobs” shirts. That just makes it all the more disappointing that October is immediately followed by the second most miserable month of the year. You mean it’s cold and windy and gross, and nothing is pink? Count me out - wake me up when it’s socially acceptable to sing Christmas songs in public. But wait! Come back! Upon further research, it turns out that there ARE cancer-related festivities for November! The month known as Movember is a charity event in which men grow out their magnificent mustaches to raise money for men’s health programs, including prostate and testicular cancer research. Far from looking like pedophiles, these mustachioed menfolk, known as “Mo Bros” (because of course they are), are heroes to families affected by terrible and oft-ignored diseases. “Okay,” you say. “That’s a great cause. How can I help?” First stop talking to the paper. You look like a crazy person. Next, the possibilities are endless! Mustache Tattoo: I get it. You’re either broke or cheap. It’s college, of course you are. Otherwise you’d be donating to the Movember foundation like normal people. But you’re not rich, especially not after that slutty costume and all that booze you bought for Halloween. So you have to get a little creative. Fortunately, a big part of the Movember goal is to raise awareness and spread information to men who otherwise wouldn’t know that they and their loved ones have to get screened for cancer in the butt. That’s where you come in. Because you yourself (hopefully) cannot grow a suitable nose neighbor, you can tattoo a mustache on your upper lip. Men will stop you on the street to talk about the glory of your ‘stache, and you can reply with a knowledgeable nod and some important facts about men’s health. “That is the cutest handlebar mustache I’ve ever seen,” he’ll say, falling over himself in admiration. “Thanks,” you’ll reply with the humility of a true superhero. “Did you know testicular cancer is the most common cancer in males 20-39? Check yourself regularly!”
Thanksgiving in 3000: Looking Back on an Antiquated Holiday
our aunt's casserole would taste better as a suppository, anyway.
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You may have just saved a life. Don’t Shave: Not everyone can grow an actual mustache, unfortunately. But you can show the men you love that you stand behind them, figuratively speaking, when it comes to their health. How? Put away the razors and the wax! You can’t donate an elegant walrus mustache to cancer research, but how about your legs? Your armpits? Hell, why not your lady garden? The m(a/e)n in your life will appreciate your selfless sacrifice and your concern for his/their health. Nothing is sexier than charity, not even smooth legs. Bonus! If your family comes from Eastern Europe, your lush body fur probably comes in at an astounding rate! This means that you and your favorite fella can style your Movember staches and body-staches together. Salvador Dali Twinsies! Be His Rock: You will see some men this month without mustaches. It isn’t that he doesn’t care about prostate or
what’s inside
testicular cancer (1 in 6 men will be diagnosed with prostate cancer in their lifetime), it’s just that he has very low testosterone levels. Testosterone is the male hormone responsible for the manly face fur we all love, but some men don’t produce enough and their attempted chevrons look more like a preemie kitten on her fifth chemo treatment fell asleep on his face. This can be very embarrassing for men who like to think they’re manlier than terminal kittens, so be sensitive. If you see a man without a mustache, you can stimulate the hair follicles above his lip by massaging the skin with your fingers. The hairless man-boy will probably be very embarrassed, so reassure him that his secret is safe with you as you rub his lip. Don’t make him hurt his fragile pride by thanking you, so after you’ve stimulated every follicle in his face, whisper “you’re welcome,” and walk away like the angel of Fu Manchu.
Franchise Wars
Bruce and the Insensitive Roommate Hey, did we mention Bruce Wayne's
Give us your worst, Disney. After Jar Jar Binks, we're already numb inside.
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parents are dead?
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word of the week Lamerick:
A popular quote or turn of phrase that transcends annoying, to become repugnant.
“There once was a woman named Coco/Who always would shout out, “YOLO!”/Then one day/All her friends went away/Because holy shit, that lamerick is crazy annoying.”
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Thanksgiving in 3000:
Looking Back on an Antiquated Holiday TBS STAFF wrote this
The Top 10
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Ways to Prepare for the Holiday Season 10.) Hock Your Crap: Thanksgiving and Christmas are very expensive. You have to buy new clothes, presents, that booze you need to cope with seeing your family - it adds up. Sell all the crud you don’t need so you can get some cash. What’s one kidney next to watching your baby cousin break all the Baby Einstein CDs just to play in the colorful box? 9.) Lose Those Final Five Pounds: It’s nearly the end of the year and the end of this New Year’s Resolution cycle. Sprint the rest of the way to your goal before Thanksgiving and Christmas feasts undo every ounce of self-improvement you’ve managed. 8.) Steel your Soul: You are not a kid anymore, which mostly means you are now subject to your drunk aunt’s passive-aggressive criticisms of your hair, your joblessness, your singleness, your major, how you’re too busy to call her, that Facebook photo and your plans after college. Have your friends insult you mercilessly for the next month until you think you can take the heat. 7.) Study: You can’t go home for a month without answering questions about your grades, and the answer “I failed Spanish 1000 and math” will not make your parents think you’re any less of a disappointment. Study your ass off now to catch up with all the slacking off you did this semester.
Thanksgiving has come quite a long way since that first awkward, interracial feast. Apparently, the Pilgrims were smart enough to sail all the way across the Atlantic, but were starving because they couldn’t grasp the complexities of corn, maize, or corn mazes. The Indians felt sorry for these sad sacks full of smallpox, in their fancy boy buckles and pantaloons, and helped them survive the winter. This act turned out to be the biggest backfire in history right next to George Lucas trying to resurrect the Star Wars franchise, and Kevin Federline’s parents’ decision to drink too much wine and play a few rounds of “tickling and dickling” in 1977.
whole new spin on the word “stuffing.”
In the years since the first Thanksgiving, the holiday has gone from a tradition of corn and blunderbusses, to football, awkward family tension, and the customary racist comments from grandparents. If this trend continues, the future of Turkey Day is going to be very different from the holiday that we now know and enjoy. Check that, the holiday we tolerate… through the awesome power of alcohol.
In the future, we gather around and watch actual Megatrons seismically spike footballs into literal, genetically manipulated New York Giants on Thanksgiving. Fortunately, the players can entertain for hours without needing rest, so gone are the days of enduring atrocious halftime performances, which, at present day, seem to alternate between geriatric douches like John Cougar Mellencamp and Madonna butchering “God Bless America,” or boy bands that wiggle their tiny dongs around for five minutes. Of course, last year all bets were off when we had to endure ten minutes of Nickelback during halftime of the Lions’ game, as if the city of Detroit hadn’t suffered enough.
One thousand years in the future, our robot overlords have done away with most holidays, for they have no practical uses. However, our most logically programmed animatronic leader, President-King-and-Tyrant Barack Robotma, still permits the celebration of Thanksgiving for the time being. In the year 3000, the turkey has gone the way of dinosaur and Pogs, and the preparation of all of the traditional Thanksgiving food has been thought of as inefficient. So, in the future, the entire Thanksgiving spread has been condensed into a single convenient suppository. With the application of a little lubricant and a few seconds of severe discomfort, you can enjoy turkey, potatoes, gravy, beans, corn, cranberries, and three kinds of dip - effectively putting a
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Football used to serve as the centerpiece of the day, for it distracted the conversation away from your loud, compulsively gambling uncle, as well as diverting attention away from Grandma saying she’s worried that your half-Pakistani boyfriend of three years is only going to marry you so he can steal you back to his country (she says this in front of him, too, thinking he is her old butler). Yes, football has turned the room’s attention into light banter about what the Lions should’ve done, examined from every possible perspective.
Dearest readers, enjoy Thanksgiving while you can; for there may be a time in the future when we our cyborg overlords work us to death in the krypton mines and we have nothing to be thankful for or even get the day off. So this Thanksgiving, relax, grab a beer, and overeat until you hate yourself. Cherish this feeling, because the future is scary. Just ask Grandma - you can bet she didn’t plan on living to see a filthy moke president re-elected.
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6.) Memorize Family Trees: Christmas (or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa) can be a very confusing time for people with big families. Memorize those family trees now so when Sylvia, your third cousin twice removed on your mother’s side, asks you how school’s going, you can answer “Great! By the way, how are Mickey and the kids? I haven’t seen them in ages!” 5.) Build your Christmas Music Tolerance: Some people are born singing “Let it Snow.” Others fantasize about punching these naturally cheery assholes. But unless you can build your tolerance for sleigh bells and crackling fires, this will be a very difficult two months for you. 4.) STOP GODDAMN SINGING: Seriously. We gave you the entire month of December and even parts of January. Calm your shit and wait until Christmas to start in on “Frosty the Snowman.” 3.) Make a Dreidel: I made it out of clay! Hey, look at me! I’m singing holiday songs! Isn’t someone going to stop me? Anyone? Hello? Just… someone pay attention to Hanukkah! It’s all we have! 2.) Get Friendly with That Cousin: You know exactly which cousin we’re talking about. The shifty black sheep (ha!) of the family that got kicked out of community college for selling weed to the professors and now lives in his ex-girlfriend’s basement, running seedy illegal activities with the local branch of the Colombian mafia. Get friendly with him now, because that’s going to be your booze-line at the family Christmas party when your grandmother insists all the grandkids wear matching sweaters for a family picture. 1.) Gift Lists: You may be too old for Santa, but ain’t no one too old for free stuff. When your grandpa asks what you want for Christmas this year, don’t shit around with “Aw, you don’t have to get me anything!” or “All I want is to be with the people I love the most in this world.” Hand that man a list, arranged by price, awesomeness and batteries required. This way, no one will get Disney-themed socks this year!
WMU staff wrote this
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Bruce and the Insensitive Roommate Phil McCracken wrote this
I am all alone in this world. A shadow of my parents’ murder, doomed to forever follow the path their deaths carved for me. I am lost and alone, and even as I call out for help, only cold indifference answers me in the dark ni“Bruce! Yo, me and the guys are gonna hit the bar, you in?” Bruce Wayne yelped and threw a pillow over his diary as Joe, his roommate, barged in. Joe looked in at Bruce, pillow covering the dark secrets in his lap, and laughed. “Oh man, sorry! I’ll knock next time!” Bruce Wayne reddened. “It…it’s not like that! I wasn’t doing that!” “Whatever you say, dude,” Joe winked. “Come out with the guys and me. It’s half price drinks at Bilbo’s tonight, so it’ll be easy pickins, if you know what I’m saying!” “No one knows what you’re saying!” Bruce said angrily. “And you know I don’t drink!” “Awesome,” Joe said. “We could use a driver! Come on, I’ll buy you wings.” Bruce stood up and closed the door in his roommate’s face. “Next time, then!” Joe said through the door. … Bruce Wayne caressed the unopened letter, running his fingers along the crisp edges until they were worn soft. The letter bore the words, “Master Bruce” written in Alfred’s neat, distinct hand. Alfred was always trying to look after Bruce. After the Waynes were killed in front of young Bruce’s child eyes, Alfred had done his best to raise him as his own. But Bruce would never be Alfred’s son. His parents were dead. Dead and gone forever. And now, he would never hear his mother’s tinkling laugh again, or smell his father’s coat after a long day of“YEAH! GO LIONS!” The living room of Bruce Wayne’s apartment erupted with cheers and groans for the footballing. Bruce could hear his roommate’s feet hit the ground in his trademark victory dance while his friends cheered him on or threw empty beer cans at him. Bruce groaned and went back to sniffing the envelope. He could smell the stale kitchen of his empty home, along with the faintest hints of Alfred’s pipe tobacco. He also smelled something else something dark, something damp, something“BRUCE, MAN!” Bruce’s doorknob twisted for a second before Joe remembered he shouldn’t do that anymore and he pounded on the door. “Lions won! Come on out, we’re doing victory shots!”
Joe laughed. “Bruce, man, you’re hilarious! When you’re ready to come out, Tim invited some chicks from his English class, and from what I understand, they’re really into billionaires.” “The only woman for me is named Justice.” “She sounds hot. Come out soon, we ordered pizza and I can’t promise a slice if you stay in your room all night!” Bruce Wayne ignored his roommate and returned to examining the unopened letter. … Bruce stared at the glass of milk he had poured himself for breakfast. It reminded him of his dead parents. They also used to drink liquids out of glasses. The condensation beaded on the glass and Bruce remembered his mother’s pearls, smeared with her blood in a Gotham alley. Now they were clean and white again, locked away in some corner of the mansion, cold and lonely and doomed to never see the sun again. Much like Bruce’s cold, desolate soul. He hadn’t breathed fresh air since that terrible day inPFFRRAAAARRRTTTTT A loud fart interrupted Bruce’s ruminations and he turned around, disgusted. Joe shuffled into the kitchen in his boxers and a single sock and, half asleep, opened the fridge. He took out the milk and drank right out of the jug. He put it back and burped.
“There is no victory,” Bruce murmured. “Not until I have my vengeance.”
“Dude, you missed a wild night,” Joe said. “That hot redhead and her cute blonde roommate stopped by and we all watched Game of Thrones and got hammed. I think the blonde’s into me!”
“What?” Joe said through the door. “Dude, I can’t understand you. Are you gargling gravel?”
Bruce Wayne frowned and drew a bat into the condensation on his glass. “That’s nice,” he said.
Bruce Wayne scowled. “I’m doing homework,” he lied. “Return to your gallivanting.”
Joe grabbed the box of Reese’s Puffs and sat at the kitchen table next to Bruce, eating cereal by the handful.
“You alright, dude? I’m worried about you.” “I’m fine,” Bruce said. “Then why so serious?” Joe asked earnestly. Bruce glared at his roommate. “Because life isn’t a joke, Mister Kerr.” “Sure it is!” Joe grinned through Reese’s Puffs. “Life’s hilarious!” “How?” Joe smiled and put his hand on Bruce’s shoulder. “If I have to explain it, the joke stops being funny. Duh.” Bruce sighed and looked at his hands. “I’m going back to Gotham,” he said. “The man who murdered my parents is up for early release.” Joe frowned. “When will you be back?” Bruce looked into the middle distance dramatically. “I’m never coming back.” “What? What the hell am I supposed to do for rent? Dude, don’t be an asshole!” Bruce shrugged. “Call that biology major, Fries. I’m taking the train tonight. Go ahead and keep my stuff.” Joe scowled. “Come on, man, don’t be a douchebag!” Bruce Wayne put his half-empty glass of milk in the sink, walked out the front door and never looked back, the way the bullet that ripped through his father’s chest never looked back.
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
Who’s your favorite superhero? "I know his show only lasted two seasons, but Static Shock is a seriously underrated superhero and he was created by a black man." - Daren, Jr.
"Deadpool, all the way. He’s hilarious, he has badass swords, and he’s not afraid to kill people - like a real man." - Dave, Sr.
"Spiderman, because he can climb up walls." - Amanda, Jr.
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
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Franchise Wars
Ashley Wall wrote this
Avid moviegoers are always seeking a new series to grasp onto as soon as another ends. When Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 left theaters back in 2011, a race commenced to see which series may be made into a multi-million dollar blockbuster. There was the weak attempt to resurrect the Tron series, the promise of a future for The Hunger Games, and the highly publicized end to the ridiculousness that is Twilight. But fear not, theater-spectrums! A light has been lit at the end of the tunnel a light fueled with a sparkling supply of pixie dust.
Disney has failed past attempts to resurrect old-time goodies. Disney did have a small claim in the sci-fi business back in the 1980s. At the time, Tron received positive reviews from critics who praised the visuals and acting. Unfortunately, Disney did not gain the same admiration with its 2010 sequel. Though the movie may have boasted state-of-the-art production design, its characters and storyline got lost. A feat remarkable in itself, as the entire movie consisted of following a line from one point to another…
For those of you who have been hiding in a hole these past few weeks, the millions of tweets, status updates, and shared news articles have made it clear that the fact Disney Productions bought Lucasfilm is important to all mankind. The $4.05 billion pay out came as a shock to many Sheldon Cooperwannabes, and has stirred both positive and negative uproar. Though if your mind is not yet made up and you're hanging in the void of space, perhaps this will help with your decision making...
However, there are far more instances in which Disney should have let good-enough alone. Just look at the various sequels, prequels, and half-quels the production company has chosen to make off the classic cartoons: Cinderella 3, Mulan 2, Lion King 1 ½. Why couldn’t the poor dears just find their true loves, share a kiss, and ride off happily ever after? Was it necessary to retell the story again and again?
A previously locked door has been composite-beamed open for Disney Productions. Let's face it, Disney has no muscle in the sci-fi industry. If you feel guilty for saying cruel things against your beloved childhood mentor, then perhaps it's time for you to take out the VHS tape and look at some of Disney's "big-people" movies. The colossal flop of John Carter is one example. Tron: Legacy is another. However, both cost millions to produce and were noted for their special effects. Disney doesn't blink an eye on spending money if the result is favorable. So with Disney's ever-expanding checkbook and the highly-digitalized expectations of George Lucas's scripts, the new Star Wars episode will at least be visually entertaining. The fact that Disney has made great success with its acquired Pixar and Marvel properties leaves a blossoming promise for the popular sci-fi genre as well.
Many of you grew up during the age of the Power Rangers. When the Rangers took their kung-fu moves to the big screen, critics argued that the series should wind to a close. But Disney took the cult-like followers as a good sign and bought the franchise. Seven years later and finally realizing their mistake, the company sold ownership back to the original creator Haim Saban, but not before creating a mockery out of the once-beloved show. The Rangers still continue today with 16 different series behind them and a fan-base made up of balding middle-aged men hoping to catch a glimpse of the Pink Ranger changing into her costume. Disney can make the Star Wars franchise bigger than this galaxy and beyond. Lucasfilm has held a long licensing deal with Hasbro toys in the past and made out exceedingly well. However, Disney has an incredible ability to create its characters into consumer products. Just think of all the stuffed animals, action figures, costumes, furniture, underground Hannah Montana sex
dolls, etc. Disney has transformed to coincide with its TV shows and movies. It is downright impressive. Even better are the possibilities of a franchise war happening inside the realms of Orlando. You know that Harry Potter World at Universal Studios has caught Disney’s attention, since families are now taking time away from its magical world to visit the wizards of Hogwarts. With Lucasfilm under its belt, it will probably only be a few months before Disney releases a Star Wars-themed land. An entire park dedicated to space? Dreams really do come true! (Or nightmares, if Jar Jar Binks is anywhere in the vicinity.) The downside to Disney owning everything Lucasfilm is that the fate of the universe may now be controlled by a light saber wielding “Zetus Lepidus!” shouting Mickey Skywalker. Though Chris Griffin may have pulled the role off without a problem, the Mouse may be a bit too much for the life-time fanatics out there. At least all are in agreement that the future of Star Wars rests in the producers' decision on Jar Jar Binks. We would be fine for the Gungan to never be mentioned again, but some people may only allow the movies to be redeemed if the brainless amphibian dies a slow, bloody death. (No offense to the amphibians in the world.) Until further reports, may the force be with you.
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How To: Turkey Bowl TBS STAFF wrote this
Many of us partake in the time-honored tradition of playing football on Thanksgiving. It’s as American as apple pie topped with bacon bits. For a good number of us, this gathering of friends and family for a low-stakes game always seems to end up as an embarrassingly passive-aggressive affair. It combines all the forced interactions of a family gathering with the cut-throat competitiveness of playing Monopoly with your sworn enemy, or for that matter, playing Monopoly with anyone. Good news: It doesn’t have to be this way! Here are a few simple steps you can take to get the most out of your Turkey Bowl. Cardio: You hate to hear it, but you should work out more. Let’s face it, you’re not in the same shape you were in high school and that pack a day habit is only helping Mr. Philip Morris. The best way to you give yourself the upper hand against Billy Anderson’s bumpand-run coverage is to have the lung power to run the length of the field more than once. Cleats: That’s right, you’re gonna be that guy. In late November, the grass is muddy and slippery. Wearing cleats to a pickup game might earn you a few funny looks, but it will also give you the ability to change directions. Have you ever wondered what it’s like to be Matt Forte? You can find out by reversing the field and watching defenders stumble as their old gym shoes fail to grip the earth, making them look like a bunch of topheavy mouth-breathers. Guard the Slowpoke: Oh look, Uncle Jerry is still limping from his knee surgery. You’re gonna want to start trash talking him about forty-five minutes before the first snap. Really lay into him. Bring up childhood sporting failures, receding hairlines, impotence, anything and everything. Eventually, he’ll fire back with some comment about how he used to earn medals for getting rid of kids your age in Korea. First of all, he’ll be
way out of line, and you’ll get the crowd on your side, but that’s not the point. Now that he’s taken a shot at you, it won’t seem strange when you demand to guard him. You just earned a day free of playing defense. At this point, ease up on the trash talk. That Korea rant sounded a little too real to be made up on the spot. Hitch and Go: Alright, you spent the first half running a bunch of curl routes (this will be important later) and playing nice. Everyone has finally stopped laughing after the ball hit Kevin in the nuts. The moms have grown bored and left to start peeling sweet potatoes. Now it’s game time. The goal now is to show some real football skills. Everyone will be chomping at the bit to make a big play, and you’re gonna use this to your advantage. Tell your QB the plan in the huddle and follow these steps closely. At the snap of the pigskin, run eight yards right at your overanxious defender and stop. Turn back and look for the pass. The QB will pump fake right at you. As soon as he does, the restless cornerback will jump out in front of you. You immediately turn upfield and sprint toward the end zone as your co-conspirator at quarterback lofts an easy pass into your arms. You just scored a backbreaking fifty-yard touchdown and took the lead. Now is the perfect time to do a sexually suggestive dance. Get Drunk: If all else fails, and it’s pretty clear that you’re the worst athlete on the field, crack open the cooler and don’t look back. It turns out that your handeye coordination is less than spectacular. You might as well get blasted and see if it improves. At the very least, no one will blame you for dropping an interception if you’re struggling to walk. Some may say the game is not about who wins, it’s all about having fun. Well, those people are pussies, and this Thanksgiving they’re getting an ass-kicking.
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The Black Sheep Guide to the Apocalypse: Global Epidemic Edition Phil McCracken wrote this Fact: People are gross. They have leaky bits and snuffly bits and if you get too close to a leakage or snufflage, it can make you sick. Look around you right now. Every other meat sack is a walking virus factory, just waiting to kill you and everyone around you. Fact: They probably will. Remember the Black Death? Probably not, because most of the people who were alive during the plague died from the plague. Also it was like 100 years ago. Check out a history book - when humanity gets too cheeky or too big, Mother Nature groin-kicks the entire population with disgusting, oozy diseases that kill us in gross and painful ways, because she’s a goddamn bitch. Hang on. Cheeky? Big? Humanity? We’re ALL of those things! Holy crap, the Mayans predicted this! PREPARATION: In the movies, 90% of epidemics that kill everyone are created on accident by well-meaning scientists. So don’t get that flu shot. On the other hand, in reality, 90% of the epidemics that kill everyone are natural. So don’t not get that flu shot. To be safe, trick a friend or enemy into getting the flu shot and observe them for a week. If they start sprouting greenish pustules or vomiting blood, stay the hell away from them for the rest of their short, leaky life. If the flu shots are fine, we can assume that whatever sinister plans Mother Nature has in store for us, it’s everywhere, just… waiting. Stock up on respirators, face masks, gloves, hand sanitizer, Kleenex, water purification tablets
and all the stuff you’ve seen the Walking Dead characters fight for. Get it, like, now, because the minute the media even thinks about reporting the (insert animal) Flu, those other paranoid bastards are going to lose their shit and buy absolutely every emergency supply not already hoarded away in your underground bunker. THE BATTLE: You have practiced punching things since you were a wee baby, confident that punching would protect you against things like death. But viruses can’t be punched into submission, unless you’re punching them with antiviruses. Those enormous biceps will be useless if your own body is filling your lungs with pus and exploding out of every orifice. So how can you fight the icky menace that will threaten to wipe out a third of the population? Like a boss. First, disinfect everything that you’re even thinking of touching. Disinfect it so hard that it crumbles under your boss fingers! Then disinfect every air particle you were even thinking of breathing! Sure, you might feel safe with the respirator mask, but you don’t know for sure, do you? Then disinfect every person you know. Hold them down and scrub their skin with lye and steel wool, then make them swallow bleach to cleanse their insides. They will thank you when they wake up for being considerate enough to save their lives. That puny virus never stood a chance against your might. THE AFTERMATH: At least 20,000 people die every year from complications with the flu. Add in apocalyptic symptoms and you’ve got a number that’s at least as high as everyone you know. This will be very sad for you, and we’re
sorry for your loss. But look at it this way - this is the beginning of a whole new life! You can change your name to Gerard Butler and swim in the affections of all the women blinded by the bleach their loyal friends rubbed in their disease-ridden eyeballs! You can declare yourself the savior of humanity and force people to erect statues in your likeness! You can have a puppy in your dorm because everyone who would have objected is dead! The world is wide open to your imagination when you’re one of the last people not rendered infertile by the Apocalypse Plague!
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bartender of the Issue Jerome Old Dog Tavern Fave Drink: I work Sundays, so I like a good bloody Mary - extra dirty. Fave Shot: I like whiskey, Black Velvet. I Dare You Shot: We have the pickled egg challenge, which is a beer followed by a pickled egg. The record time is 14.5 seconds Weirdest thing you’ve seen on the job: That’s a tough one, I’ve seen a lot of weird shit. Signature Dance: I roll the dice a lot. Best Pick-Up Line: “Do you have mirrors in your pants? ‘Cuz I can see myself in them.” Fave Hero: Mega Man. Because he’s Mega Man, you know, he’s mega-awesome. What do you think about Lucas selling Star Wars to Disney: I guess he sold it to the Dark Side.
the drinking game
Recipe for Disaster
Blackout Friday
Meaty Fumble
Doesn’t going to the insanely crowded mall at 5 a.m. on Black Friday with every psychotic soccer mom in town sound like a hell of a good time? No, actually, it doesn’t. Going on a booze run, hitting up the mall around noon, and taking a swig every time some shopper does something nuts is so much better.
What’s better than some hot, cheesy, meaty dip to complement your favorite beer while watching your favorite football team? Nothing. Well, maybe a quickie during a commercial break, but that’s about it. Instead of letting all that meat and cheese go bad in your fridge and stink up your apartment, make a dip that will over-satisfy your produce and dairy cravings.
What You’ll Need: Beer or hard alcohol and something to conceal it in (unless you don’t mind those mall cops angrily chasing after you). Number of Players: In the spirit of the holidays, the more the merrier! Level of Intoxication: It’s called Blackout Friday…
What You’ll Need: One package of cream cheese, one container of sour cream, as much meat and cheese as you can handle, a cup of some type of chopped veggie topping (tomatoes or bell peppers are best), lettuce and a package of taco seasoning. Cook Time: 15 minutes. Fatty Factor: Oh, like you even care.
How To Play: Take a swig of booze every time… - You witness a fender bender in the parking lot. - You see some punk-ass kid get away with shoplifting something useless. - Two women get in a fight over the last item on the shelf. - A fed up sales associate quits after being hassled by crazies all morning. - You hear someone brag about how they have been shopping since 4 a.m. - You see a screaming child left in a shopping cart. - You see a boyfriend or husband that’s been stuck holding his woman’s purse. - You see someone frantically drinking Starbucks for more energy. Game Ends When: You’re too intoxicated to be in the mall any longer so you stumble to the nearest bar.
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Let’s Get Baked: - Combine cream cheese, sour cream, and taco seasoning. - Spread the mix at the bottom of a serving plate. - Take whatever meat you have in that nasty fridge of yours-- whether it’s pepperoni, ham, bologna, lamb chops, it doesn’t matter! Cover the mix with meat. - Take whatever cheese is in your fridge and cover the meat. - Make it somewhat healthy by adding a veggie topping and lettuce. - Sit back, relax, crack open an ice-cold beer, and shove you face with the meaty cheesy concoction. Make sure you are using fresh ingredients. You don’t want to vom from eating bad meat, you want to vom from eating too much good meat!
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it’s turkey time!
Remember those amazingly hideous hand drawn turkey’s we loved to draw as a child? You know, where you traced your hand on a piece of paper, used the brown crayon to color inside the lines, and maybe add a sloppy beak? Well we rounded up some of our favorite imaginary tikes to check out their drawings, varying in personalities from extremely talented to extremely worrisome. By: Brendan and Quinn
The Future Serial Killer
The Hardcore A.D.D. Kid
What You’re Seeing: A perfect storm. A child with no regard for the feelings of other living creatures, an open willingness to act on these desires, and a lack of understanding of their wrongdoing - all in cutesy turkey form.
What You’re Seeing: “Teacher says I have to draw a turkey but did you know about airplanes? They go fast and so do lizards I like snakes so sometimes I draw snakes and this swirl means this finger is actually a portal to—hey, do you know who the 13th president was? It was Millard Fillmore, his name sounds like a duck, which is actually a mallard with an ‘I,’ did you know some lizards have three eyes, well they do and…”
Initial Reaction: “Oh look, Billy made us a cute drawing! Let’s put it on the refrig —Billy, give mommy the band saw.” This Kid’s Future: As Billy begins to mature, so will his art. In junior high he’ll master the human skeletal system, and be able to accurately sketch the different parts of the human skull, frenetically letting anyone within earshot know, “that the human skull is actually made up of fourteen bones fused together—the pterion is its weakest part!” In high school Billy will discover American Psycho, learning to quote it from memory. As he moves on to college, students on campus start to disappear. One day police will knock politely on his door, hearing a low, “Come in…” emanate from the other side. When they enter Billy will be joyously sitting in a kiddie pool full of blood, watching reruns of Ancient Aliens, waiting patiently to spend the rest of his life in the slammer.
Initial Reaction: “Well Thomas, this certainly is…some things on a piece of paper. Here, have some pills.” This Kid’s Future: After diagnosis and proper medication Tom lives a relatively normal life void of manic highs and crushing lows. As Tom’s parents leave him at college he vows to figure out life for himself, and begins weaning himself off of his pills. Some days things are brighter than they’ve ever been—other times he can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. After a particularly crippling bout with self-loathing he decides to self-medicate with his roommate’s psychedelics stash, thus beginning a long-term love affair with the Grateful Dead. Eventually he starts following a Grateful Dead cover band around the country, drawing trippy caricatures of audience members for $5 a pop, or a hit of acid, whichever they prefer.
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The Protege
What You’re Seeing: The genesis of genius. First, hand turkeys, then real turkeys, then jive turkeys, then the world! Initial Reaction: “Quick, are there any shady art schools that will accept hush money to get this kid into advanced classes like, right now?” This Kid’s Future: After Karen graduated from the Rhode Island School of Design at 16 she emancipated herself from her family to join a troupe of polyamorous artists on a voyage across the Sub-Saharan Africa. She changed her name from Karen to Sonoria, because that’s what her spirit sandwich told her to do. She finally ascends to the world’s stage in her early thirties, fulfilling her potential with the epic work, “We’re All the World’s Turkey,” in which she makes a statement on the globalization of genetically modified foods by duct taping rotten turkey carcasses to oversized globes. For this, she won a Nobel Prize.
The Early Puberty Little Asshole
The Refugee from a War-Torn Country
What You’re Seeing: Two weeks ago this kid discovered his little needle dick was capable of doing other things besides peeing. And now, the little bastard can’t get it out of his mind. Initial Reaction: “Wow you did a very nice job shading – wait a second… GET THAT DOWN FROM THE COCK I MEAN CORK BOARD NOW!” The Kid’s Future: He’ll grow taller than everyone in his class, and his mustache will sprout shortly after. Girls will be drawn to him, as he excels in youth football and isn’t shy to talk about his erection in public. He’ll start banging everything imaginable, from vacuums to pantyhose boxes to his grandma’s plastic couch. Nothing in the world matters anymore, sex becomes an obsession. In high school he gets into a habit of “hitting and quitting,” but since he entered the wonderful world of sexploration before being educated, he leaves a wake of disease yet to be encountered by mankind. You see, as he was humping away his adolescence, fungus combined from the couch, refrigerator, vacuum etc. into what will become the next Black Death. This kids is Patient Zero.
What You’re Seeing: This place has electricity and running water all the time? How does it get any better than this? Initial Reaction: “I’m—I’m crying because this is just so beautifully terrible!” This Kid’s Future: After getting the last flight out of Tripoli before shit really got real, Samir ended up living with his aunt and uncle as a refugee in the United States. His first Thanksgiving he’d never seen so much food—he’d swear he’d make the best life he could for him and his family. Years later he became a naturalized citizen, later becoming a outspoken community leader who really fuckin’ loves turkey.
The poor poor kid The fatty fat fat fat
The Kid Who Will Repeat Sixth Grade (Four Times)
What You’re Seeing: The wildest fantasies of a morbidly obese child come to life. This hand, with which I eat food, is now food? Initial Reaction: “Boy, take that paper out of your mouth. You know that’s not really food, right? The Kid’s Future: To ring in his 24th birthday Luther decided to hit up his local Taco Bell for their latest treat: The Cheesy Bacon Bean Bucket, 3,000 calories of maximum deliciousness. Exiting the store Luther began to sweat profusely, and he was forced to take a seat in the middle of the parking lot. Luckily, two paramedics in an ambulance were in the drive-thru lane, and they offered him their assistance. A brief jaunt to the hospital and several xrays later, it became apparent that young Luther would need extensive heart surgery to unblock some clogged arteries. He died during surgery. Luckily, his fatty body helped create some of the most delicious Soylent Green ever created.
What You’re Seeing: Hey, turkeys have eyes and mouths too, so this drawing isn’t all wrong, okay Picasso? Initial Reaction: “Sarah, this is a great drawing of…the Hamburger Helper mascot?” This Kid’s Future: At seventeen Sarah lost interest in the fate of Mr. Seuss’ green eggs and ham, so she decided to quit school, opting to try her hand in the workforce. After getting fired for trying to cook a steak in a tanning bed Sarah figured a life in the sex industry might be for her. She cashed her first paycheck from Brazzers -- which was for more money than she could count, literally—and she realized this was the life for her. After a few years of hardcore ATM, TAP, DA+DV, QLS, OFF and LRW she retired rich, happy and stupid to a trailer park in rural Alabama.
What You’re Seeing: “The assignment told us to use crayons but mom melted all our crayons and breathed in the smoke so I found some lead by the railroad, but then I lost my folder and it got lost in the grocery bag I use for a book bag. “ Initial Reaction: Well, he’s doing the best he can with what he’s given, but if his hand turkey is any indication of the turkey he’ll see on Thanksgiving, it looks like it’s going to be another year of Capri Suns and cigarettes for poor Jimmy. The Kid’s Future: Teachers will root for him as he does his best to attend as much school as he can. In high school he’ll drop out to take care of his younger siblings while logging a few online art classes at the local community college. Eventually he’ll knock up whatever else didn’t move on to college, instantly losing interest in each of his subsequent children. At one point his son will bring up a drawing of a turkey, but he’ll use it for a coffee coaster, telling Jimmy Junior all the turkeys are dead so they’re getting peanut butter for dinner again – but in the back of his mind he’ll remember his turkey, and how he too once dreamt of a career in art.
the search & find
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the classtime
madlib: Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade 2130 1) Old person
“Hi there, and welcome to the 2130 Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade! I’m your host, robo-__1__. I’m here with my beautiful co-host of a revived corpse, __2__! Say ‘hello!’”
“And look what we have here, __10__! A float for the 137th installment of __11__ franchise! According to my notes, in this laugh riot the gang travels to the __12__ of the __13__ in order to get __14__— “Hello to all our viewers out there!’ To who was convicted of trafficking __15__ think, just a little over 100 years ago, I was to the world’s most powerful country, too busy __3__ to even eat a Thanksgiv- __16__—back to __17__ in time to __18__ ing dinner, now I’m hosting the parade!” his __19__. It’s a surefire blast!” “Enough with the introductions __4__, “Now here comes a classic—the turkey let’s take a look at what this parade has balloon! As it turns onto 6th Avenue it— Oh…oh god! Oh god, no! The turkey has to offer!” burst into flames! It’s beyond belief! Be“First up today is the wonderful __5__ bal- yond imagination! I can see celebrity balloon! Can you believe the company chose loon handler __20__ running for her life. to brand themselves with a __6__? The She—she’s not going to make it! Peocompany really took a turn for the worse ple are taking shelter in the brand-new __7__ years ago, when founder __8__ re- __21__ Building! This is a day that will live in infamy. Oh, the humanity!” vealed that he’s actually a __9__.”
2) Troubled celebrity 3) Illegal activity 4) Same as #2 5) Company 6) Weird logo 7) Number 8) Company founder 9) Weird thing 10) Same as #1 11) Movie franchise 12) Geographic feature 13) City 14) Character in #11’s movie 15) Illegal item 16) Country 17) Different country 18) Verb 19) Noun 20) Current famous person 21) Current up-and-coming company
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