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Word
Bravadough An increased sense of self-worth directly correlated to one’s increased self-worth. “When Greg got $70 for that econ text book his bravadough went so far through the roof he bought a table of strange women a round of shots.”
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drinking game
Memorial Library Drinking Game By: Emily S.
Finals are just around the corner, game days are coming to a close, and we’re losing excuses to drink at inappropriate times of the day. This drinking game is an easy fix for that. Enjoy simultaneously copying down study guides from STUDYBLUE for the classes you haven’t been to all semester and drinking until you can’t understand your own handwriting. Don’t forget to keep an eye out for those kids running off to the stacks—the sneaky, horny bastards. What You’ll Need: Beer cans disguised as Coke cans and vodka in a water bottles. Number of Players: As long as you use your inside voice, play with as many people as you want. How to Play: Take a sip of beer every time: - You catch someone Facebook stalking. - People are not quiet in the quiet section. - There is a table of girls with the same sorority sweatshirt/water bottle/laptop sticker. - Someone makes a “sex in the stacks” joke (drink for the one we made above). - You make eye contact with someone you’ve hooked up with. - You see someone napping in the cages.
Take a pull of vodka every time: - You catch someone real life stalking. - Someone you’ve hooked up with avoids eye contact with you. - Someone jumps when the woman on the loudspeaker announces the library is closing. - Your friend leaves to go find a book and disappears forever. - Someone from one of your small discussions walks in and you both pretend not to know each other. - You look down and you can still read your notes. Chug a beer every time: - You see someone you’ve hooked up with boning in the stacks. - Someone says no to you when you ask if they want to bone in the stacks. - Someone taps you on the shoulder to let you know that the STUDYBLUE study guide you are copying is actually theirs. The Game Ends When: You wake up to realize you have not only failed to study at all, but your exam is in ten minutes on the other side of campus.
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The
Top
Ten
Christmas Presents to Give to a Snuggle House Employee By: Austin M.
In the spirit of the holidays, The Black Sheep wanted to celebrate the heroic men and women who have laid down their sex lives to work at The Snuggle House. Therefore, we have compiled a list of appropriate gifts to give to these “celibate” prostitutes — oops, we mean, “professional snugglers.” 10.) A trip to a therapist: Because they probably have a lot of problems if they thought it was a good idea to work here. Daddy issues, finding your big brother’s stash of Playboys at too young of an age—whatever messed them up, we’re willing to help this situation. 9.) A Snuggie: A blanket with sleeves could make for some creative snuggle options.
What Dorm Has Your Study Habits?
8.) Condoms: If college has taught us anything, it’s that spooning will lead to an awkward boner poking your back, and eventually to sex. Considering their entire job is spooning, we’d prefer that they be prepared for anything. (And by anything, we mean dry humping to completion.) 7.) A lawyer: You can only imagine that they’ll need one eventually. The Snuggle House is like a virginal whorehouse, and when the time comes when someone finally realizes he’s the lamest prostitute in the world, we would like him to have an attorney at hand. 6.) A blindfold: We can’t imagine what kind of person has to pay $60 an hour just to cuddle, we also can’t imagine they’re high quality human beings. It would be in the snuggler’s best interest to not be able to see whom she’s hugging—no kisses, no faces, no emotions. Just warm limbs.
By: Cliff G. We all play the American educational system with our own slant, and whether we’re looking to change or not, with finals coming up it’s good to know what kind of study habits one has in order to recognize personal strongpoints and flaws. Abstract comparisons usually help. So it may be helpful to ask yourself: Which dorm best fits your studying habits? So, are you a… Ogg?: With so much to wear and not enough places to wear it, life is frustrating. How can one person be so perfect and not have anything to do but study? All you want to do is go out and get wild, but the only person texting you is that guy from a floor down, and he insists on helping you with your calc homework. Worst part is, he’s normal enough that it’s not an innuendo — he really wants to study. You tend to stay in a lot, not because it’s what you want to do, but because no one else is worthy of your time. Might as well just treat yourself to a nice salad with balsamic vinaigrette dressing and a Diet Coke. Chadbourne?: School is important, but smoking and playing Xbox sounds a lot better at the moment. Why not just fire up some Totino’s pizza rolls, pop open a few Mountain Dews and play a couple games of COD first? Taking your mind off “work” is half the battle. Those other students trying to force the knowledge down their brain holes are doing it all wrong. You can’t be expected to study without some stress relief first. Your stress relief usually turns into an extreme verbal battle with the 13 year old bitch from London who just stealth killed your ass and unfortunately, you can’t stop playing just to study because you have a Gamerscore rep to maintain. Maybe an Elizabeth Waters?: You’re an island. You study alone, eat alone, and even have full on conversations alone. Who needs distractions when getting good grades in school is the key to happiness? Everyone else isn’t taking college seriously enough, and you will not give into peer pressure. You’ve had your whole life to do everything on your own and college will be no different. Complete isolation is crucial. Distractions, including friendships, will not be tolerated.
Sellery?: As you look around you notice a lot of students have a book open, but the only thing you can think of is the house party down the street. So much can happen at a house party, and that special somebody is about to be there. Tonight could be the one chance you have to get her loose and give her the smash, and you don’t want to pass that up. Homework really just gets in the way freshman year. You justify it by assuming nobody actually studies this much anyways; the real college experience lies in the outside world. At least you’re honest with yourself and you know this studying shit just isn’t for you. You came here for the party. Dejope Hall?: Your peers can’t understand the way you study and you can’t fathom how they do it either. Everything must be your way for the study session. Books need to be placed in the backpack in a specific order and be color coded by subject. Each writing utensil should be properly accounted for before every session. You need private study areas with great seating and exceptional views. Being a college student is exhausting and you don’t have time for other peoples’ bullshit and disorganization. Kronshage Hall?: “Study or die” is the credo. Happy, sad, angry, excited or tired-study. Study for exams a week in advance and make sure to get eight hours of sleep every night. You go and grab lunch with classmates to talk about the class material. If people don’t have anything to contribute to your education, you find them utterly annoying. If anyone talks in the library quiet section, you stare at him or her until they tear up. You don’t have many friends, but you compensate for the loss with “A’s” and an overwhelming sense of pride for your motivation. We all have different ways of mastering the art of schooling, but freshies are getting ready to meet finals week for the first time. It can be a troublesome and confusing time for these young and sensitive Badgers, and a bit of self-analysis might be the only thing standing between complete failure and traversing this dark path with confidence. So take these maybebroad-generalizations to heart freshmen, you don’t have time to think.
5.) Pepper spray: As we were picturing a potential cuddle buddy, we imagined he/she might just be crazy enough to murder a snuggler violently. Though pepper spray can’t help entirely in this situation, it should be enough to give the snuggler a head start on running away. 4.) A CD that only contains the song “Beautiful” by Christina Aguilera: After a day of snuggling with weirdos and reading the opinions of assholes like us, the snugglers will need a confidence boost. Our second favorite early 2000s pop star (Britney came out on top, obviously) is just what they’ll need to feel like okay people again. 3.) A different CD that only contains the song “Dirt Off Your Shoulder” by Jay Z: We can’t just assume that they all like pop music, so to cover our bases we thought a second confidenceboosting song would be appropriate. And what boosts confidence better than a reminder that both men AND “ladies is pimps too”? *Brushes shoulders off in the name of gender equality* 2.) A lifetime supply of tissues: Just in case the snuggler thinks about her life and wants to cry about it. Which we would guess they do from time to time. Likewise, it’s safe to say the clients do a lot of crying as well. These bad boys are really going to come in handy, no pun intended. Seriously, don’t intend that pun, you weirdo. 1.) A job application: To literally any other job. Can’t emphasize it enough. This is the weirdest career they could have ever chosen. Please work somewhere else.
05
Around campus send us your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
on the Streets Would you rather eat a cup of pee-snow, or let it melt but have to drink it through a straw?
Kari
“Drink it melted. Because when it melts… Wait, is this a bad answer? Because depending on how much snow it is when it melts, it’s such a little amount. ”
Car ter
“Let the piss snow cone melt. In snow cone form it’s gonna give you brain freeze, but let it melt, it’s just gonna be watered down piss and you can slam that down and get it over with.”
Luke
“I would pick the snow, ‘cause I’m not gonna drink piss out of a straw.”
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quiz
What Late-Night Eatery Are You? 1. What is your go-to dinner during finals week? a) Hot Pockets b) Ramen noodles c) Ben & Jerry’s ice cream 2. What is your favorite snack while high? a) Pizza-flavored Goldfish b) Cheetos found in between your sofa cushions c) Raw pancake mix 3. What is on your iPod? a) “Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey b) “Wrecking Ball” by Miley Cyrus c) The Beatles , all of it. 4. What is your favorite drink? a) Spotted Cow b) UV Cake or UV Blue c) Fleischmann’s vodka screwdriver
5. Where is your dream vacation? a) Florence, Italy b) A beach somewhere c) Vegas 6. What is hanging up next to your bed? a) Wet laundry b) A disgustingly cute kitten picture or a Victoria’s Secret model c) One Direction poster
answer key
1: a) 3 b) 2 c) 1 2: a) 1 b) 2 c) 3 3: a) 1 b) 3 c) 2 4: a) 2 b) 1c) 3
7. What is on your bookshelf? a) Fifty Shades of Grey b) Textbooks c) Beloved by Toni Morrison
5: a) 1 b) 2 c) 3
8. What hashtag do you use the most? a) #YOLO b) #HonestIDontHaveGenitalWarts c) #ThingsBetterThanMinnesota
8: a) 1 b) 3 c) 2
6: a) 3 b) 1 c) 2 7: a) 3 b) 2 c) 1
By Rachel N.
8-12 points: Fried and Fabulous: Huzzah! You’re the life of the party! When the drinking gets rough, you’re always there with an elbow bump and a high five to keep the party going. You’re a good balance of fun and smart, staying just (classily) sober enough to remember all the embarrassing moments the drunken masses will forget. You always manage to be right in the middle of the action, in between the flash mob and the naked bike ride. Thus, you are the ultimate source of gossip. Like fried cookie dough, you are a tremendous indulgence. Even those who swear you’re too much for them can’t stay away from you. Like a good Wisconsinite, you are truly hardcore. No “light” options here. 13-18 points: Ian’s Pizza: Congratulations! You are a stereotype. Your salad pizza is like a skinny white girl in Ugg boots obsessing over the freshman fifteen. Like every other college student on the planet, you eat only reheated food off of grease-soaked paper plates. But also like most other college students, you don’t let any of this stop you from having a good time. Whether people hang around you for sustenance or a convenient place to puke, you welcome them with open arms. And once they stop ordering the mac & cheese pizza and start branching out, people find you can actually be quite creative. 19-24 points: Asian Kitchen: This is something your mother would be proud of, you are the food equivalent of a cheap prostitute. You’re dirty and may carry diseases, but you get the job done. You’re basically the broke grad student future of the Ian’s Pizza student. After people get what they came for, they tend not to stick around. But that’s okay, because they keep coming back. When they’re cold, hungry, and drunk late at night, you’re the one they go to. You may not be gourmet, but you know how to run a business.
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The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT
TUESDAYS! $6 Pitchers $3 Taps until 9pm 9 2-for-1 Rails and Shots 2 for $5 taps
Game Day Specials! $3 Jager or Cherry Bomb, $3 Apple Pie Shot, $3.50 Badger RED Bomb, $3.50 Skyy Mixers, $4.50 Homemade Bloody Mary, $5 Vodka Red Bull, $7.50 Bud Light Pitcher, 2 For $6 Bud/Rolling Rock 16 oz Cans
SUNDAY! $2 Mimosas, $2.50 Rail Juice Mixers, $4 Pitchers
Late Night Specials 11pm - Close: $4 Leinie Original and Michelob Golden Light Pitchers, $2.50 Three Olives Mixers, $3 1800 Shots
THURSDAY
$2.50 Domestic Bottles $3 Tall Boys $5 Jumbo You-Call-Its
Happy Hour 11am – 7pm, 11am-5pm On Thursday Game Days: $2.50 Taps, $2.50 Rails, $3 Bud Light Pitchers 7-Midnight, $3 Bartenders Choice Shot, $3 Svedka Mixers, $3.50 Taps, $4 Jameson
$1 Long Necks, $2 Spiced Rum Mixers and Blackberry Brandy Shots
High Society Night 1/2 Price Craft Cocktails, Craft Beer and Specialty Shots
FRIDAY
FAC $2 Taps $4 Pitcher Rolling Rocks $5 Bud Light/Budweiser Pitchers 9 Wheel Deal!
FRIDAY AFTER CLASS! 2pm- 9pm, 2pm-5pm On Friday Game Days: $2 Taps, $2.50 Rails, $3 Domestic Pitchers | $9 Coors Light Pitcher with Free T-Shirt, $2.50 Bartenders Choice Shot, $2.50 PBR Tap, $3 Long Island, $4 3 Olives Mixer, $4 Jim Beam Mixer
$2.50 Svedka Vodka Mixers, 2-for-1 High Life Bottles
$4 Jumbo Long Islands 2-4-1 Bud, Bud Light, Bud Light Lime, Lime-a-Rita, Bud Platinum Bottles
SATURDAY
Beer Shot Night! $5 Shnorkel
Late Night Mass –Be here when the Church Bells Ring and $1 Shots for the next 10 Minutes! $3 Long Island, $2.50 Domestic Taps, $4.50 Jumbo Skyy Mixers
$2.50 Bacardi Mixers and Jameson Shots, $3 Bud Light Lime Bottles
$3 Jameson Shots, $2.50 3 Olives Mixers, $3 Capital Brewery Pints
SUNDAY
$8 New Belgium and Goose Pitchers $5 Bloody
Closed
$2 Mimosas, $2.50 Rail Juice Mixers, $4 Pitchers
$10 Premium Pitchers, $6 Domestic Pitchers, $3 Bloody Mary’s, $2 Washington Apples & Red Head Ladies
MONDAY
$3 Rolling Rock Pitchers $3 Vodka Red Bulls, $3 Rails $3 Three Olive Mixers
Closed
$5 Busch Light Pitchers, $1.50 16-oz Cans, 2-for-1 You-Call-It, $0.40 Wings
$3 1800 Margaritas and 1800 Shots, $2 Red Stripe Bottles $1 Tacos
TUESDAY
$6 Pitchers $3 Taps until 9pm 9 2-for-1 Rails and Shots 2 for $5 taps
Nut and Bolt Night – Screw all night to find the right fit. Bring the matched pair to the bar for a free shot! $2 Bartenders Choice Shot, $2.50 All Taps, $3 Rails $5 Red Bull Vodka, $5 Domestic Pitchers
$2 Domestic Bottles, $2.75 Captain Mixers, $2.50 Shots of Doctor
$1.75 Giant 18oz Miller/Coors Bottles, $2.50 3 Olives Mixers
WEDNESDAY
$4 Jumbo Margaritas 3 for $5 Rails $4 Patron Shots
2-for-1 Bud Light Bottles, $2.75 Stoli Mixers
Tallboy Night! $1.75 Schlitz, PBR and Labatt Blue $2 Dr. Shots
Happy Hour 11am – 7pm: $2.50 Taps, $2.50 Rails Free Popcorn and Darts!
$5 Domestic Pitchers, $2 Wild Wild Wednesday Shot, $3 Taps, $4 Bombs, $3 Blow Job Shot, $4 Jack Mixers
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The Bar Grid Every Friday: $2.50 Rail Mixers
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$2.00 Long Islands $2.50 Spaten and Red Hook Pints
1/2 Price Tap Beers $2.50 Bacardi Flavor High Balls
$2.50 Rail Mixers
All Week Long! Long Island Ice Tea $4.50 from 4:50 - 8pm, $5.50 from 8 - 9pm, $6.50 from 9 - 10pm $7.50 10pm to close
$2.50 Domestic Bottles: Bud Products, Leine’s Products , Miller Products Rolling Rock
TUESDAY! 4 - 9pm: Beer Stock Exchange 9pm - Close: Flip Nite! Win the flip, get 75% off booze!
All Day, Every Day! $3.50 High Life Bottles $3.50 PBR Bottles $5.00 Jumbo UV Mixers
SPECIAL NIGHT
4 - 9pm: Beer Stock Exchange
$1.50 Shots of Jamo before 10, $2 Shots of Jamo after 10 $3 Pitchers of Leinies before 10, $4 Pitchers of Leinies 10-11, $5 Pitchers of Leinies 11 to close
THURSDAY
4pm - 9pm: $2.50 pints/$7.50 pitchers/$9.50 boots of Leinie’s brews 9pm-Close: $5 Jameson or Absolut Doubles
$7 Pitchers of Bud Light $5 Jumbo UV Mixers
FRIDAY
All Week Long! Long Island Ice Tea $4.50 from 4:50 - 8pm, $5.50 from 8 - 9pm, $6.50 from 9 - 10pm $7.50 10pm to close
4 - 9pm: Beer Stock Exchange 9pm- Close: $5 Rosebowls/ LIT’S/Skyy Doubles
$3.50 PBR or Miller High Life Bottles $5 Jumbo UV Mixers
SATURDAY
theplazatavern.com
All Week Long! Long Island Ice Tea $4.50 from 4:50 - 8pm, $5.50 from 8 - 9pm, $6.50 from 9 - 10pm $7.50 10pm to close
$2.75 Select Pints $5 Absolut Bloodies
$2.50 Domestic Taps $4 Jumbo UV Mixers
SUNDAY
$2 Rail Drinks $1.50 PBR
Top Shelf High Ball $1.75 $2 High Life Bottle
4pm to Close: $2 Pints, $7.50 Boots of PBR, High Life, and Sconnie
$2.50 Domestic Taps $2 Lemon Drop and Breakfast Shots $4 Jumbo Rail Mixers
MONDAY
FREE BACON $1 Cans of Coors Light, Miller Lite or PBR $4 Jumbo Rails
TUESDAY
Student Appreciation Night! All specials are valid with Student ID: $2 Miller High Life Bottles, $4 Jumbo UV Mixers, $10 FISHBOWLS, 10 Wings for $3 (Mild, Hot, Teriyaki)
WEDNESDAY
$1 off 1/2 Pitchers $2 off Pitchers $2.50 Rum Drinks
$3 Jack Daniels or Stoli Drinks $2 Micro Bottles: Capital Beers, Blue Moon, Rolling Rock
1/2 Price Tap Beers $4 Bombs
$2 PBR $1.25 Rail Highball
9pm- Close: Progressive Night
4 - 9pm: Beer Stock Exchange 9pm - Close: Flip Nite! Win the flip, get 75% off booze! 4pm - Close: $2.50 pints, $7.50 pitchers, $9.50 boots of our New Glarius brews
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With Technology!
Old Christmas Movies, Revisited
A Christmas Story The Evils of Technology Make… “I want an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle!” becomes: “I want the X-Box One Day One Edition with Kinect, an extra controller, and a copy of Call of Duty: Ghosts!” And the Movie Flips: After Ralphie unwraps the gift his father so sneakily hid in the corner behind the tree he hustles over to his 50-inch flatscreen to hook up this modern technological marvel. After entering his info (and his parents’ credit card number) he anxiously slides the Call of Duty disc into the slot. The game whirrs and whirrs until finally a message appears on the screen: “Drive Cannot Read Disc.” In a fit of prepubescent rage, Ralphie clocks the flatscreen as hard as he can, splintering the thin film of glass and smashing a hole into the family’s sole source of happiness. Scared to death by a report on glass poisoning they saw on the news a week prior, his parents rush him to the hospital for a Christmas Day evaluation. Under his breath Ralphie mutters something about this being his parents’ fault, and a few quick calls later two DCFS representatives are at the hospital with some unwanted Christmas inquiries.
We’re not much for nostalgia, especially around the holidays. If we were six years old and Santa gifted us a plain wooden horse with tin wheels, we’d be so far down the Naughty List the next year, you’d think we’d have murdered our parents. And we did, we definitely did, because even at six we knew Santa was fake, and that is not the PlayStation 4 we “asked” for. Yeah, so what? We like modern technology. What would happen if we forced this tech into old Christmas movies?
It’s a Wonderful Life The Evils of Technology Make…A tale about the redemption of a suicidal man who has given up on his dreams to help others becomes: Two guys on a cell phone chatting for two hours. And the Movie Flips: George Bailey sits alone in his underwear in his dark studio apartment watching a Christmas Eve Chopped marathon, empty 40s strewn around him. Bored and in need of attention, he fires up his cell phone and rips off a text message to his only friend, Clarence Odbody. “Gonna end it all tonight,” it reads. A minute later his phone vibrates, it’s Clarence, and he wants to talk. “Hah, there’s no heaven, you fuckin’ rube,” George the atheist tells Clarence, who insists that committing suicide with preclude George from getting into Heaven. They keep talking; Clarence citing examples of the good George’s service work has done for the community. George is only half paying attention because the contestants on Chopped have to work with a canned chicken, sweetbreads, honey sticks and Greek yogurt, and he has no idea what they’ll do with that. During commercial break, Clarence still on the phone, George walks over to the medicine cabinet and chases a handful of antidepressants with what’s left of his olde English 800, dozing off moments later to Clarence begging the phone, “Hello? Hello? George, you there?”
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer The Evils of Technology Make… The Island of Misfit Toys becomes: The Island of Outdated Gadgets. And the Movie Flips: As Rudolph and company run away from the Abominable Snow Monster, the FAA calls them out on deviating from their assigned flight path, forcing them to land on a nigh-inhabited island known the Island of Outdated Gadgets. Stranded on the island overnight, the crew seeks out a place that’ll be open on Christmas Eve. Walking into a restaurant, Rudolph sees booths heavy with first generation iPads, Nooks, and Kindles that don’t have color screens. They turn and stare at Rudolph, recognizing him immediately. A liaison approaches the Christmas cadre begging, “Mr. Reindeer, please, please take us away from this horrible place to a magical land where we’re wanted!” After a quick powwow with Santa, Rudolph returns with an offer, “We can swing by and get you guys tomorrow, we’re way behind, and those kids in sub-Saharan Africa can’t even afford calendars, so they won’t know if we’re a little late. Can’t promise you they won’t use you as rock picks or something, though.” The Outdated G a d g e t s cheer with joy, as their Christmas is saved.
Are You Smarter
than?
Zach Evavold works as a bartender at A.J. Bomber’s on Gorham St. We asked him some trivia questions and below are his answers. Follow along and see if you can answer more than Zach. Don’t get a big head, though. Being genuinely proud of knowing these answers is as delusional as believing Bret Bielema moved to Arkansas for any purpose other than to seduce his cousins.
Zach, an A.J. Bombers Bartender By Quizmaster Jake M.
The Black Sheep’s
Guide to Wrapping a Gift
1) Christmas: Santa Claus is based off of Sinterklaas, a mythological person found in this group’s mythology.
6) Toys: 1998 saw a holiday craze for this toy, which could say things like, “Show me a dance” and “Tell me a joke.”
2) Hanukah: How many branches are there on a menorah?
7) History: On January 1, 1971, these items could no longer be advertised on TV in America.
3) Kwanzaa: In what year was Kwanzaa first celebrated?
8) Birthdays: This “Stan” background singer was born on Christmas Day, 1971.
4) New Year’s Eve: Since 2006, who has been tasked with presenting Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve?
9) Snow: The North American record for record snow depth was measured in this contiguous state.
5) The Rose Bowl: Each year, the Rose Bowl is played in what stadium?
10) Holiday Music: What wintry song thing is given life via silk hat?
Zach’s Answers
Correct Answers
1) Celtic 2) Seven 3) 10 A.D. 4) Jay Leno 5) Pasadena 6) Ken 7) Cigarettes 8) No Clue 9) New York 10) Frosty the Snowman
1) Dutch 2) 9 3) 1969 4) Ryan Seacrest 5) The Rose Bowl 6) Furby 7) Cigarettes 8) Dido 9) California 10) Frosty the Snowman
Zach’s Score: 2 out of 10 Step 2: Determine Your Length: Ah, victory! Victory over, you Tom, do you hear us? Unravel some wrapping paper and place your gift on it to make sure you measure enough wrapping paper to wrap the whole thing. Otherwise you’re just being wasteful and…wait, now there’s more than enough—like, an inch too much, which is perfect, because now you have to cut the paper. Now it’s time to see what you’re made of, buds-o. The cut should be straight and uniform, just make sure you use a steady hand and, no! No! God, why did you stop to scratch your stomach? Now we’re going to have to start all over because it’s uneven, or, wait, it’s not that bad, just freaking finish this cut and remember to tuck this side under the straight edge, or do you not have the self-control to do even that?
Step 1: Collect Your Supplies: You have the present you bought for the person you want to manipulate care for and you remembered to pick up some wrapping paper at Staples, and what do ribbons or bows matter anyway, right? Good, great, you’re doing well here, you’re even holding those scissors away from your body. Now where’s the tape? You, yes you totally have it somewhere, remember that time you had to hang those—no, stop. Go check the drawer. No, not that one, the other one. It’s in there, isn’t it? It’s not? Well then—Tom. It had to be that asshole Tom. Great. Now you’re going to have to go back to the store and get some—Yes, you’re definitely going to have to pee in Tom’s orange juice—you’re going to have to get some more tape. Step 3: Determine Your Width: Unless you bought your loved one a twoby-four, that yard-tall roll of wrapping paper you just mangled is going to have to be hemmed a little for wrapping purposes. Measure the gift to determine an accurate cut point on the width sides and get to snippin’. Just—please, for the love of whatever deity it is your root for—do not make the same mistake again. Cut in a straight line, just be certain of yourself, man and don’t rip the—you ripped the goddamn paper, we just said not to do that. Ok, no, we’ll get through this. Just get a finished cut that works in theory. Yes, like string theory, but somehow more difficult for you to understand. We’re crying now, we hope you’re happy. Step 4: Tape the main lines: Remember that first big cut you finished? Now you’re going to tape each side together using one-inch pieces of tape at six-inch intervals. Oh yeah, that’s right, time to use that brandspankin’-new tape you nabbed in a jif, not that lost-under-his-bed roll that Tom—fucking Tom—so lazily lost like it was sticky dust in the wind. Now,
hold the wrapping seam together with one hand and use the other to tear off a piece of tape and—what do you mean this is harder than it sounds? No, ok, switch hands and try again. No, this way is definitely easier. Ugh, maybe work on your dexterity a little. You know, just let go of the wrapping and pull off like, six pieces of tape and put them somewhere, then use the tape. Jesus, you people. Step 5: Fold and Tape the Corners: You, uh, you haven’t been doing so hot at this, and now you expect to fold and tape at the same time? So you’re really going to do this? Fine. First, tear off four pieces of tape. Once those are easily accessible, pull each corner taught and fold it in half, diagonally. Then, fold in the sides. This isn’t brain surgery-level difficulty but—Christ, ok, just try it again, we’re so close. Deep breath…and fold. Wow, would you look at that. So great, once each of those have been done four times, you should fold and tape your trapezoidal flap to the gift. Goddammit, you forgot to prep the tape again, didn’t you? Fine, we’ll wait. Just…whistlin’ Dixie over here while this Cleatus-faced motherfu—Oh, hey, you’re back! Fold it and tape it…there! Voila! Does it look good? What? No? Well, then…
Step 6: Make Someone Else Do It: With your inability to do anything right, we’re sure you’ll hear it dozens of times this year: It’s the thought the counts. So, when you hand over that perfectly-wrapped gift to your family member or gift-level acquaintance, then you can say, “Hey, I tried wrapping this but I think my parents drove a railroad spike through my head as a child, so I totally butchered my attempt and I had to beg someone way more competent than I to do it for me,” or something to that effect. And beg them, you will.
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Hanukkah Seek and Find
guess the movie santa!
each box features a different santa claus from various holiday movies. do you know which movie each santa comes from?
FINALS BINGO!
let us guess... you’re sitting in the library and can’t focus, right? well don’t scroll through facebook for the 10th time, play our library bingo! stay where you are, or take a loop around your floor, and see how many of these things you can find.
recipe for disaster You’ve already taken your final, and everything is up to the whims and wants of your crotchety old professor. You have no faith in yourself and thoroughly believe no matter how well you did on the test, nothing can save you from the dreaded F-. The least you could hope for is to put your smiling face in good favor with the professor as he grades your test, and you can do that by making a nice, fresh batch of cookies. And if he says no, well, we’ve got you covered so you can go out with a blow. A colon-blow.
golden brown. Let stand on cookie sheet two minutes before removing to cool on wire racks.
What You’ll Need: Cookies: 1 ½ cup flour, 1 tsp baking soda, ½ tsp baking powder, 1 cup butter, 1 ½ cups sugar, 1 egg, 1 tsp vanilla extract, an oven, and a lawyer might come in handy as well.
The Grand Finale: - Walk into your professor’s office wearing something slutty, regardless of your sexual identity. - Tell him you studied really hard for your exam, but aren’t confident the grade will reflect your work over the semester, and ask if there’s anything you can do to sweeten the deal. - Show him your cookies, both the sugar and your buttcheeks/ boobies.
Frosting: 16 oz cream cheese, ½ cup butter, 2 cups sugar, 1 tsp vanilla extract, 1… no, better make it 4 tablespoons of ex-lax. Fatty Factor: You might end up in jail or you might end up with a better grade. Either way leads to three hots and a cot, so it’s a win-win in our book. Let’s Get Baked: Cookies: - Preheat oven to 375 degrees. - In a small bowl, stir together flour, baking soda and baking powder. - In a large bowl, cream together the butter and sugar until smooth. Beat in egg and vanilla while also blending in the dry ingredients. Roll rounded teaspoons of dough into balls, and place onto ungreased cookie sheets. - Call lawyer, ask if you can “buy some retainers, because you might do something bad soon” then hang up. - Bake cookies 8 to 10 minutes in the preheated oven, or until
Frosting: - Mix all the cream cheese, butter, sugar, and vanilla into big bowl. - Pour in the ex-lax while quoting Dumb & Dumber. - Do not put the frosting on the cookies yet.
If he says “Yes, it is university policy that I increase the score of any student who brings me cookies. Thank you!” - Say thank you, walk away, and throw away/burn any evidence of your ex-lax laced frosting. - Rejoice, because this is probably the first time this has ever actually worked! If he says he “can’t be bought,” “would get fired,” or is “allergic to gluten”… - Tell him that’s too bad, but you’ll leave your cookies anyway in case he gets peckish. - But first, say you need to add the hand-made, creamy, frosting to each cookie. - Turn your cookies away from him while looking over your shoulder to add the frosting (try to keep smiling, so he knows
Easy-Add Laxative Cookies this is completely innocent and in no way are you adding poison to his cookies.) - Lather each cookie up with the ex-lax laced cream cheese frosting and hand them back to him. - Without winking, tell him you hope these cookies “might change his mind” and “don’t give him. bouts of diarrhea so bad he’ll wonder if his insides have turned into liquid fire-y goo.” - Run out of his office, and start looking for flights to another country. Sometimes when you can’t get what you want, you need to poison your way there. Maybe he’ll give them to his stupid, shit-eating children who’ll in turn shit all over his shitty house, then he’ll think twice about not giving the students who make him cookies a better grade.
Kwanzaa Kwiz True or false Kwestion 1: True or False: Kwanzaa is celebrated from December 26th to January 1st.
Kwestion 4: True or False: Kwanzaa adopts much of its structure from Hanukkah.
Kwestion 2: True or False: The word “Kwanzaa” is derived from matunda ya kwanza, a Sotho phrase meaning, “first fruits of the harvest.”
Kwestion 5: True or False: Approximately 3.1% of Americans celebrate Kwanzaa each year.
Kwestion 3: True or False: The “pan-African colors” widely used during Kwanzaa are green, black and red.
Kwestion 6: True or False: Kwanzaa’s karamu feast is mentioned in Lionel Richie’s “All Night Long.”
answers:
1) True 2) False, the language is Swahili 3) True 4) F, it is adopted from Umkhosi in Zululand 5) F, 1.6% do 6) True 7) C 8) B 9) A 10) C
Multiple choice Kwestion 7: Which one of these items is not considered a Kwanzaa symbol: a) A Mkeka, a decorative mat b) Muhindi, corn c) Watubi, a small statue of a person d) Zawadi, gifts
Kwestion 9: During Kwanzaa the pouring of libations to honor ancestors is performed by… a) An elder b) The oldest male child c) The mother d) This does not happen
Kwestion 8: The Kinara, the Kwanzaa candle holder, traditionally hosts how many candles? a) 5 b) 7 c) 9 d) 6
Kwestion 10: Named The Black Candle, a 2009 documentary on Kwanzaa is narrated by who? a) Cornel West b) Barack Obama c) Maya Angelou d) Oprah Winfrey
11
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a dream before my exams
madlib It’s the night before your dreaded __1__ exam. However, because you are a(n) __2__ Badger, you don’t have to study! Instead, you decide to partake in some shenanigans with your pals at your favorite local establishment, __3__. After one too many __4__, you decide to meander off to find __5__ to satisfy your drunken cravings. However, on your way there, you run into __6__. He/she is fond of you and your posse, and follows you around. After a few hours of bar-hopping and conversation regarding the recent scandal between __7__, and a(n) __8__ __9__ you remember that you have that important exam the next day! Your new friend consoles you, “I majored in __10__ and I still became a successful __11__ the summer after graduation!”
This convinces you enough to stumble your drunken self back home. You hop into bed with hopes that the curve will be in your favor. The next morning, you wake to the horrifying realization that you’ve slept in, and your exam is in fifteen minutes! You rush to your class, but on the way out, you spill your drink all over __12__, which makes you feel even more terrible. Finally, you make it to the __13__ lecture hall to take your exam. However, your professor isn’t there, but instead it’s __14__. He/she tells you that __15__ is pointless, and if you really want to succeed in life, you just need to __16__. With that, you and your classmates __17__ prance out of the building deciding to rage until you __17__ on Bascom Hill. On, Wisconsin!
1.) Class at UW-Madison 2.) Adjective, positive 3.) Madison area bar 4.) Favorite alcoholic beverage, plural 5.) Edible, plural 6.) Notable UW alumnus 7.) Madison-area politician 8.) Adjective 9.) Noun
10.) Obscure UW-Madison major 11.) Questionable career choice 12.) Your favorite Madison-area homeless person 13.) Campus building 14.) Celebrity 15.) Course subject 16.) Verb 17.) Adverb 18.) Verb
By Emma P.
NEED A RELEASE? Get Some For Come get some during finals week!
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Bring in this paper for a FREE AUTHENTIC CHICKEN OF BEEF SHREDDED TACO with any purchase over $5 Expires January 30, 2014 • Code: Black
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