WMU - Issue 7 - 11/21/2013 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

f cal ree.. ori .lik es. e 30 hap 00 py t deli han cious ksgi vin g!

Vol. 7, Issue 7

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

11/21/13 - 12/5/13

Christmas Music Diaries BY: Elena McKendrick November 1st, 2013: Ah, Halloween is over and Thanksgiving is just around the corner. What a wonderful time of year! It’s also a great time to start a diary! I’m sure now that I’ve just started this diary something interesting and dramatic definitely won’t happen. Yeah, it’ll just be “Heard a funny joke today,” “Cosmo had an idea,” and ‘Milk went bad today-ew!” Totally not exciting and life changing at all. Ho! Ho! Ho! Wait, why did I write that? It was supposed to be “hahaha.” Hm… I’m sure it’s nothing! November 9th, 2013: It’s not even Thanksgiving yet and the upstairs neighbor has begun playing Christmas music. Haha, barf, right? I wear headphones during the day to block out the incessant racket but at night I’m defenseless. I force myself to sleep while “White Christmas” blares through the vents and I pray that I don’t wake to "Jingle Bell Rock" again. Even when I'm out of the house I think I can hear it.

them at my door, “Silent night, holy night”- and then I swing open the door! But they aren’t there. They taunt me then hide! You believe me, don’t you? Do you hear what I hear? December 1st, 2013: “You’re a monster!” Said the children’s’ mother today. Well, bah humbug to you too! Evil witch. I don’t care if she doesn’t like my Christmas decorations, it’s not my fault your devil children were gawking at my masterpiece. And yeah, I did throw coal at them — Santa knows! He’s watching… I have to watch out… December 10th, 2013: Landlord made me take down the decorations today. For goodness sake, they were just snowmen, they would’ve melted anyway. But no! I had to destroy them! The whole neighborhood watched as I tore apart my Santa and reindeer. My spirited scene of good ol’ Kris Kringle carnivorously devouring the organs of his precious freak deer. Apparently it’s not good for “community morale” to have used real deer organs and blood for my masterpiece. Whatever, I just told them it wouldn’t be so easy for me to take down Christmas morning when it’s the real thing. Their feeble poisoned minds couldn’t even manage a response to that one. Ha! Idiots!

"I’m starting to have strange dreams. Scary dreams, murderous dreams."

November 16th, 2013: I’m starting to have strange dreams. Scary dreams, murderous dreams. I mean, I’ve never liked Christmas before but this isn’t normal. Santa – NEEDS TO DIE! What? No! I-I-I, something’s happening to me, this is wrong. If only this relentless music wasn’t playing ALL THE TIME. Maybe it’s not me… maybe it’s Christmas. Someone needs to stop it. November 20th, 2013: The carolers wait for me, I know it! I KNOW IT! I can hear them… ca-ca-can’t you? I hear

December 20th, 2013: I’ve had enough of this man! Santa this, Santa that! He’s everywhere; my nightmares, my house, he’s in my head! I know what I’ll do. Ha.

page 5 The Jewish Girl's Guide to PostHalloween Or, the time of the year that the goyim rub their holiday in your face.

Ha! HA! Sure, I’ll conform to the pagan customs of Christmas this year, just like every other year. Milk and cookies, gifts by the tree and stockings on the mantle. But there’s gonna be a little surprise for Santa this year! “Huh, what’s that I hear? Santa coming down the chimneyoh boy! What’s that Santa? The fire just started?” Mwahaha, say ho ho ho now KRISP KRINGLE! Cuz you’re crisp now! Get it? YOU'RE DEAD! HA! That’s it… that’s what I’ll do…

December 24th, 2013: It’s been a few days since I last wrote… I had to find someone who would trade me some paper for cigarettes. They took me right in the middle of a hunt. I was sleeping soundly; only puppies, butterflies, and dead elves pranced in and out of my dreamscape. But then I woke to a noise — an oven. My oven? No, my neighbors'. I jolted out of bed and grabbed my freshly sharpened cookie cutters. They were after me, the gingerbread men. I ran outside and ferociously followed

page 6 Top 10: Ways to Avoid Student Loans

Because dealing with real life sucks way too much.

their gumdrop trail. I was shouting, why weren’t more people hunting with me? Don’t they know what these monsters can do?! It was just then when I was heartlessly tackled to the ground by a neighborhood watch guy (as if that’s even a real thing). I saw the Gingerbread King smirk at me as I was taken hostage by the man. I don’t know how long I’ll be able to write from this tomb, they keep a pretty close eye on me. Don’t worry though, I won’t let them get me. Tomorrow’s the day. Ha! HAHA! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

page 12 Weather We LIke it or not Sadly, puns will not make the dropping temps any better.

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The Jewish Girl’s Guide to… POST-HALLOWEEN By: Hannah Weyer Halloween was a doozey. Waking up in a doctor costume next to a pool of blood from the guy you may or may not have caught the name of was enough for one fall (save your second pass for Purim, chica) and now it’s time to buckle down and get studying- finals are coming. Halloween was the last fun thing you’ll do all 2013 (or first fun thing you’ll do all 5774) — Hanukkah and Thanksgiving both involve your Bubbie telling you to call her more often and your mom making passive-aggressive remarks about your “sophomore 20.” Ay-yay-yay. This will be the time of year that the goyim rub their holiday in your face, but you can’t let that distract you from the battle that you’re about to face down. Thanksgiving and Hanukkah intersect this year — you can’t make up some bupkes excuse this year about having class during the Festival of Lights. You have to face your aggressors this year. What can a Jewish girl expect of the hap-happiest

season of all? Your grandfather is about to come down on you like you’ve never seen him before. You have been at a reputable university for a year and a half and you haven’t found a husband? What is your Zeyde paying for your apartment for? That bed is for mensches, not momzers! We guess you can’t buy saykhel, no matter how much money your family is investing in your education. By the way, call your grandmother. She worries. Everyone in your family is about to poke the five pounds you put on for winter. Do not let Aunt Doris’ (obviously failed) diet tips piss you off. Just take a deep breath and point out the shmatta Aunt Rachel is wearing. When has Doris ever passed up the chance to criticize her sister? Good job, Jew. You win. Until your nafka cousin Leah announces that she’s pregnant. Woooo, mazel tov, hooray, let’s hope he has your husband’s

nose, hahaha. Never mind that she got married two months ago and you’ll be damned if she’s a day under four months along. Never mind that you picked a used condom out of her hair the morning after her 21st birthday. Never mind that she slept with that Asian kid in high school to get him to do her homework, let’s all talk about how shayner Leah is and what a great mother she’s going to be while your entire family shoots you looks that say, “Why did you ever leave that Travis kid? Sure, he was a goy and a stoner and he stole money from your parents to bet against the Lions, but do you really think you can do better than Travis? Grow up.” Maybe you can sneak off to the bathroom and hang yourself before anyone realizes you’re gone. Maybe you can overdose on your grandmother’s glutenfree potato kugel. Maybe Leah’s husband is packing something stronger than grape juice in that flask you gave him for his wedding. Anything is better than this.

More than once over the course of the last few months of 2013, you’re going to sneak off to the bathroom, look yourself in the eye and say, out loud, “This is my life.” And it is. You can try to escape it, but it’s useless- there are too many doctors in your family to let you die. And this, THIS is the reason you have The Black Sheep — to talk you off the ledge. Take a breath, little Jewish girl. So your family is hard to deal with. Oy gevalt. You know who else has a fercockt family? Jon

Stewart. And look at him, huh? Huh? You could do worse! Life after Halloween is what you make it. You can take your double whammy holiday and turn it into a kvetch-fest, or you can write down everything your family says and become a standup comedian with her own late night show. And if you’re not going to be a doctor or lawyer, that’s really the only thing that will keep your family from disowning you.

The Catholic Girl’s Guide to… PRE- CHRISTMAS By: Sara Czarnecki

Halloween was a doozey. Waking up in a nurse costume next to a pool of real blood from a guy you may or may not have caught the name of was enough for one fall (save your second pass for St. Patrick’s Day, chicky). Now as we approach the fattest holiday in the universe, next to Fat Tuesday, us Catholics can start to look forward to the holiday in which the entire “holiday break” is centered around. We can look forward to the changing of the retail seasons. The putting away of the turkeys and the bringing out of the obnoxious color decorations that represent little to nothing; we are looking forward to the most important holiday of the entire year, the holiday that is light years away from the rest. Some ask, Hanukkah? To that we say, hit the road, Adam Sandler. Get real people, we are talking about Christmas. Christmas: the best holiday in the entire world. From its religious roots, Christmas has now grown to become the reason why schools take three-week vacations and businesses order Jack Daniels in bulk. Between the annoying little shits begging for gifts and their parents playing Secret Santa to maybe get a little over-thelumpy-Christmas-sweater-action by the copy machine, Christmas has something for everyone. Cracked out light decorations scream, “I know I’m an asshole, but I want my house to say it too,” and sugar is used to bring people together because realistically, they had no idea what to get you and cookies seemed just as good as a iPad Mini. (No one gives a partridge in a pear tree that you were in the kitchen for 8 hours, Nana — these snicker doodles are subpar.) Christmas is the reason why we have “ugly christmas sweater parties” because you know damn well you’ve never heard of an ugly Hanukkah sweater party. It’s not kosher, ya know?

And Christmastime is the best time to be a Catholic. Above all the rest, Catholicism gets credit for forcing Target to put the CHRIST back in the CHRISTmas section. It’s true, we are the reason why y’all get gifts in the first place (recognize, atheists). The motto of the season actually comes from the Catholic bible — “Giving is never as good as receiving but it’s whatever at this point.” Catholics can be thanked for the ever-popular chocolate daily count down to seeing your parents’ debts under a fake pine tree covered in bullshit popsicle stick art that are reminiscent of your childhood. Catholics are thanked by having the ability to walk proudly into every store knowing that our section fills up the entire back area as well as the endcap displays leading up to it. We can get past the little endcap cover in blue and candleholders, because we own this holiday season. Every year, Catholics deserve a “Thank you so much for being snobbish, middle class douche canoes for giving me a reason to buy my coworker a shower radio!” From the day after Halloween, our time has come to shine. It’s time for Catholics to look forward to perfectly normal strangers saying the phrase we invented, “Merry Christmas.” No red bell ringer standing outside of the mall in the nipple-biting cold weather, Merry Motha Friggin Christmas to you. From the wreaths to the trash bags that we call Christmas trees to the wrapping paper in which we wrap our overpriced signs of love in, it’s all about us. It’s about Catholics just doin’ what Catholics do, pressure the rest of the world into doing and believing what we feel is right. And after a while, you’ll find too that Christmas is the best holiday and will always be the best holiday in the entire holiday world. Merry CHRISTmas all you chicken f**kers!

Broncos

abroad It’s about that time of year when prospective study abroad students start getting serious: deadlines are coming up, passports are in the mail, and dreams of catching an STI abroad are recurring. Steps have been taken, and that golden-snitch of a study-visa is about to show its marvelous ass.

Barring any unforeseen natural disasters, you’ll be fine — so long as you’re not a terrible Americanabroad. And how do you avoid being a terrible American-abroad? Chillax, The Black Sheep has you covered. Good Americans make for terrible Americans abroad: The very first thing to remember when entering any foreign land is that the United States has got, or has had in varying degrees, a military conflict with that same foreign land. We freed the French from the Nazis, but stormed their beaches. We burned British effigies in the 1700s and slayed their soldiers en-masse. We hit the “reset button” on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. We razed the Reich. Arm-wrestled the Russians. Rough rode the Spanish out of Cuba. We’ve inspired coups, sold arms, and we pretty much go to war with anyone, anywhere, anytime. We’ve even fought battles in Canada and invaded Mexico, and they’re our only neighbors. A lot of people outside the United States take exception to that. And when those same folk see that you’re an American, they tend to bring it up. You’ll be sitting down having a drink at a bar, a restaurant, or on a concrete stoop, and some Brit, Aussie, Kraut or Afrikaner will accost you with a tired line about invading Iraq and parts of the Middle East. Then they’ll top it off with a cliché like: “Trying to rule the world?” If you want to be a worldly person, or a travelling man who doesn’t give a greenback or dollar, you’re going to have to let shit like that go. Patriots make for bad Americans abroad because they can’t help but defend America. Don’t be a scary senator McCarthy

Top

Ten

Ways to Avoid Student Loans By: black sheep staff

10.) Witness a crime: When you enter the Witness Protection Program, you have to leave behind your entire life — your family, your friends, your home, even your name. That means whenever you get a bill, especially a student loan bill, all that loan office is getting back is a “RETURN TO SENDER” stamp! Checkmate!

By: Ryan Shek

Good on you, future ambassadors. But The Black Sheep wants you to know that this is it. Now’s the time that your lovely daydreams (“Japan is going to be beautiful, I can’t wait to see the architecture – I bet I fall in love with a geisha.”) turn into panic attacks (“In two months I’ll be flying to Tokyo? Fucking shit – I’ve never even sat in a plane. Doomed! Doomed I say!”)

The

9.) Fake your own death: People aren’t smarter today than they were 90 years ago; they just have access to more instant knowledge. That’s only a problem if you didn’t just take on $40,000 in debt to become smarter than an idiot with an iPhone. If you can fool YouTube trolls with your murder video, WMU loan officers will be no problem. 8.) Flee: Who’s that? A mailman? RUN, Bronco, run! What’s that? An email? RUN! What’s that? A credit card denial? RUN! Who’s calling? Western paying people? RUN! Get on that plane! Go where it’s going! Go live your Norwegian life, Norwegian guy! You belong! 7.) Save the world: Do you think Superman ever had to pay his student loans? Or Jesus the Christ? Ha! Can you even imagine loan officers trying to get Jesus to pay up? No, you can’t, because it would never happen because everyone knows Jesus gets it for free because he died for you, ungrateful scum. nutball and go all ape-shit on them for being “a godless commie ankle wart.” Relax. Take a drink from your flask, offer them a swig, and ask “Eh, what’s up, doc?”Your cartoony aloofness will impress them so much that they’ll always see the United States as some comfortable, harmless, eccentric gentleman sitting on a stoop and drinking whiskey. They’ll see us as we are. Never fake an accent: Americans who fake an accent abroad – and this does happen – are an absolute horror. Meeting one in person is like stumbling across Percy from the Green Mile. You want so bad for them to get cancer because how can you not hate faux-Ron-Weasleyaccent-guy? The locals will know immediately that there’s an imposter in their midst. Some might not be able to tell that the accent you’re gurgling is phony at first listen, but that isn’t because you’re an Oscar winning performer; they’re just convinced that you are mentally retarded. Don’t save the poor: The problem with Americans reaching out to those who are less fortunate is that usually (not always) these “philanthropists” are cookie-cutter suburbanites from upper-middle-class families who got BMWs for their 16th birthdays. What these people are actually doing when they deem someone in need of their help is judging the good goddamn out of that person. And they do it out of no responsible or fair insight, or practical sense of empathy. They’ll see a group of Zimbabwean immigrants kicking around a soccer ball made of condoms and say to themselves, “Oh my god that is so sad. I need to help these poor children. I’ll call home and start a fund, Ballz4Africa, or something, because

I pity their wretched state. But first, this looks like an opportunity for a profile picture I just can’t pass up.” You want to teach some Korean kids English to help them achieve in this imperialized world? Okay. You want to donate blood and hand out reading material to combat Africa’s AIDS epidemic? Great. But don’t think for one goddamn second that your saintliness is what gave these people their sense of self-worth, you bullshit-brownnosing-shallowsouled-do-gooder.

6.) Hack into and destroy all computer evidence of your debt: Even if you’re majoring in public history or something else that isn’t computers, you know people that are majoring in computers and are fans of bribery. 5.) Learn the ways of the Jedi: “This is not the delinquent payer you are looking for. You do not want her money. You want only to tell her how pretty she looks in her filthy bathrobe and unemployment mustache. Go in peace.” 4.) Start a Moon colony: In your new Moon civilization, debt doesn’t exist. Neither does crime. So the idea that you can be a criminal for not repaying your debts is a strange and foreign concept to your fellow Mooninites, and one they will die viciously defending you against, just like you trained them. Also, mail comes to the Moon, like, twice a year, so there’s that.

Don’t love everything: You’re going to be in a foreign country. Not heaven or Vermont. Don’t be one of those dipshit losers who never shuts up about how much they love the foreign world. “Oh my gosh, I absolutely love these roads. People drive on the wrong side, and I can’t believe how awesome that is.” “I think the moon is a little closer here. I want to kiss it. I want it to hug me. Oh my gosh I absolutely love this moon.” Don’t be the kind of American who thinks that something’s awesome just because it’s different. If you find yourself teeming with exuberance and are titillated by any mundane thing, STOP. That is the universal first sign of culture-shock, and you have the adaptability of a dinosaur. You will live the rest of the semester being a depressed, homesick schmuck. But at least you’ll always have that first night. Always remember this: When you study abroad you’re not only representing yourself and your university, but you’re also representing the United States of America. That means, in a way, you’re representing us at The Black Sheep. And we’ll only tell you one time: Don’t you fuck us. Don’t you ever try to fuck us.

3.) Go to prison: How GREAT would it be to live in a warm room rent-free with free food, where every day has recess and every night has sex? Murdering that guy that cut you off on the freeway is looking better and better, isn’t it? 2.) Be a president: Presidents are very powerful people. If you can have your Secret Service assassinate anyone you want at will, or pardon any loan officer’s father, or give the presidential seal of approval at the bar to someone worthy of that lingerie-clad cougar’s sexual advances, we’re sure you can work something out. 1.) Never, ever graduate: Ever. Never never ever. Never. Flunk a class. Switch your major. Go to grad school. Just never, never leave the wonders of academia for the cold, treacherous world of adulthood.

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Hamocrat’s

War on Thanksgiving By: black sheep staff Thanksgiving: Pilgrims came over in giant ships that were awful and contained more disease than a frat house bathroom, the food was abysmal, children starved, and giant sea monsters you’ll never hear about thanks to the liberal media attacked the pilgrims every step of the way. After the long and torturous sojourn, they landed at Plymouth Rock, and after a hella-good harvest, some Puritan was like, “Fuck it, let’s eat all this food at once until we can’t move and have to sleep for 16 hours.” Everyone else fervently agreed and thus Thanksgiving was born. Although we still celebrate Thanksgiving and all its glorious traditions, some contemporary families have declared war on the holiday. And no, we’re not talking about your druncle who says “But American Indians weren’t even at the first Thanksgiving, so why can’t I wear sweats to th-zzzzz?” No, we are of course talking about those Thanksgivers who cook ham instead of turkey on this blessed day. We want to begin by pointing out the obvious fact that no one in their right

mind calls it “Ham Day” for short, they rightfully declare Thanksgiving “Turkey Day.” What the hell would “Ham Day” even entail? Roasting a pig while some dude with a ponytail plays Meatloaf covers on the ukulele? This is Thanksgiving, not a Hawaiian bar mitzvah. Pig roasts are only acceptable for to specific occasions: The aforementioned Jewish coming-of-age celebrations and the day we set aside for remembering the Bay of Pigs, but only as an ironic statement about the failed structure of Cuban socialism. Nonetheless, ham needs to squeal its way off of our Thanksgiving tables. We all know what this really means, though. It’s a liberal effort to bring down the religious sanctity of Thanksgiving, with the efforts of the liberal media, such as Rachel Ray and Guy Fieri, giving families “great alternative recipes for Thanksgiving feasts.” We know what alternative means: gay or socialist. Truth be told, the left-wing media has had it out for Thanksgiving and what the holiday means for years. Thanksgiving, as

the pilgrims would have it, is about the Puritanical beliefs adhered to on the first feast. It’s there so we can celebrate the bounty that God hath provided throughout the year so we can receive his happiness in the year to come. And as the Bible says, around Chapter 10 of Psalms, or Proverbs, or John, or somewhere near the front: “Thou shall not eat pigs, except in the form of bacon, and definitely not on the day of Thanks, which will later be called Thanksgiving, and will mainly be celebrated in the United States, on the fourth Thursday of November, and on the second Monday of October in Canada. On this day they main dish shall be Turkey and everybody who says different is a liar and a sinner.” We are not paraphrasing, look it up. Or do you not own a Bible, you liberal media whore? Now, some of you may say, “But, I have an allergy to all kinds of fowl, and if I eat Turkey then I’ll die.” Not to sound unsympathetic or anything, but tough nuts, pal. We’re not going to back down because of some weak-ass dietary restrictions (which of course sound like made-up hip-

THERE’S A

BETTER WAY

pie nonsense to us). If you’re hungry, go eat another biscuit and be thankful you’re not one of those gluten-free assholes. Allergies are 90% psychological and can be cured by sheer will power and large amounts of Echinacea. Jesus wasn’t allergic to anything. Anything but bullshit. We love Thanksgiving here at The Black Sheep, and we’re thankful that we have a day to show how much more thankful we are than everybody else, thankfully. But when you go and mess with the sacred holiday, we have to put our foot down and

tell it how it is. We don’t always like this job, but somebody has to do it. So do us a huge favor and when Mom or Granny, or whichever female cooks the Thanksgiving feast in your household suggests that you change things up this year and make a glazed ham instead of a succulent stuffed turkey, call them a terrorist and throw that piece of shit in the trash. Obama might have won health care, but we’ll shut the government down again if we have to in order to end the War on Thanksgiving.

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The Bar Grid

Waldo's

MON: Football Bingo! $2.50 Bud & Bud Light 16oz Aluminums, $3 Bartender Specialty Drink $2.50 Hot Dogs, $3.50 Brats, Fully loaded condiment bar for brats and hot dogs!

Tuesday: College Night (9-close): $2 Wells, Domestics, & Games, DJ Stoz, 18 & up with college I.D., $10 Cover without college I.D.

MONDAY! BELL'S BEERS! $2.50 2/$2.00 TACOS!

Everyday: $2 16oz PBR Mugs, $3.50 34oz PBR and Rolling Rock Schooners, $1.75 Busch, Busch Light and Miller High Life Bottles

SPECIAL NIGHT

$3 U-Call-It $5.99 Chicken and Perch Baskets

PBR Thursday! $7 60oz pitchers, $1.50 pints

MIXED DRINK PITCHERS since 1983!

$7 Domestic Pitchers $3.50 Long Islands, Jacks, Jims $0.59 Boneless Wings

Thursday

$1 Any Domestic Draft $2 Wells $4 Red Bull Vodkas $3 1 Topping Pizza (4-8) $5 1 Topping Pizza (8-midnight)

Glow Bowl (9pm-Close) $10/person for 2 hours of Bowling $2 Shoe Rental

5-9pm $0.40 Wings (dine in only) Happy Hour all night! $2.50 well/call drinks

$2 16oz PBR & Rolling Rock Mugs $3.50 34oz Schooners

Friday

1/2 off Food and Drinks NOON-MIDNIGHT

Glow Bowl (9pm-Close) $10/person for 2 hours of Bowling $2 Shoe Rental

EVERY SATURDAY TAILGATE SPECIALS FOR WMU GAMES!

$2 16oz PBR & Rolling Rock Mugs $3.50 34oz Schooners

Saturday

$5 Pitchers of Beer, $0.35 Naked Wings, $0.40 Breaded Wings, $0.45 Boneless Wings, $5 Bloody Mary bar, $6 for Top Shelf, $4 Mimosas Open at NOON FOR ALL NFL GAMES

Service Industry Night (8 - close) 1/2 off drinks, 1/2 off apps

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$3.50 Margaritas and Bloody Marys

Sunday

Football Bingo! $2.50 Bud & Bud Light 16oz Aluminums, $3 Bartender Specialty Drink $2.50 Hot Dogs, $3.50 Brats, Fully loaded condiment bar for brats and hot dogs!

Rolling Rock Mondays (6-close) $7 60oz pitchers, $2 bottles, $5 for 2 hours of bowling, $2 shoes

BELL'S BEERS! $2.50 2/$2.00 TACOS!

$2 Domestic Bottles $3.75 Smirnoff Flavored Drinks, $0.59 Wings

Monday

$1 Wells 1/2 off Red Bull Drinks $1 Pizza Slices JEREMY SPRAGUE AND D.J. KANE

College Night (9-close): $2 Wells, Domestics, & Games, DJ Stoz 18 & up with college I.D., $10 Cover without college I.D.

TEAM TRIVIA NIGHT and Mug Club Night Domestic Liters $3.50 Craft Liters $5.50

$12 Domestic Tankers $2 Domestic Pints $2.50 Wells $0.79 Tenders

Tuesday

$5 Mixed Pitchers, $5 Pitchers of Beer, $1 Tacos D.J. 5-0

Ladies Night (6pm - close) $3 Cosmos, Appletinis, Absolut & Cranberry, $2 Glasses of Wine, $1 Games, $3 Microbrew pints

FREE Pool all night ALL flavored Vodkas only $3 (includes the famous PEPPER VODKA)

$4 34oz Domestic Schooners, $3.50 Captain & Bacardi Drinks $0.59 Buffalo Shrimp

Wednesday

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Weather We Like it or Not By: Elizabeth Raffa When you live in a place where the seasons change twice a day, dealing with it effectively is crucial to survival. With a few different types of Michiganders out there, we get a few different types of reactions to fronts and precipitations of all types. When we’ve seen it all, and we pretty much have, some of us get a little preachy. Since snow fell once already, everyone who has spent the last twenty years in Michigan knows that winter is coming. Michiganders hate winter. It’s the bane of our existence. Winter means shoveling snow. Winter means dressing in layers. Winter means sucking it up because we live in fucking Michigan. So how do we deal? The Girl Who Never Knows What to Wear, and Always Chooses Poorly: Meet Generic Jen, the girl who doesn’t look out the window before leaving her apartment when there’s a pile of snow so high around her car that she would’ve and should’ve had to dig herself out of it if her parents hadn’t bought her an SUV with 4-Wheel drive. She wears high heels and a skirt on a day like this, but a heavy coat and boots the next day when all of that snow has melted and it’s 55 degrees and

sunny. This is the girl who you see around campus with no umbrella when it’s raining because she somehow still neglects to look outside before heading to class. It’s a miracle she doesn’t get sick, but when she does get sick she complains about it and demands the attention of everyone, even though no one really cares. The Seasonally Depressed: People may pretend to be happy on the first snowfall of the fall semester, but it only lasts that first snowfall. Then they remember why it sucks. During the next three (read: five) months of winter, almost everybody in Michigan goes into a half hibernation, staying in their warm beds instead of going to parties, and “accidentally” skipping class because they were too “tired” to get out of bed and face the cold air that is awaiting them. These are the people who suffer the winter only for the holidays, and when those are over, you don’t really see them around much. They stop coming to parties, and keep the party at home. Alone. In their rooms. The Tough Guy: This is the guy who’s wearing shorts even though it’s 20 degrees, and doesn’t even have

goosebumps. This is the guy everyone envies and hates with all their hearts. The Person Who Complains So Much about the Snow that It’s Like They’re Bragging About It: Seriously, no one cares about how far you had to walk, nobody cares that you forgot your gloves, and no one cares how cold it was when you went to put the garbage out in nothing but your pajamas and flip flops. All the rest of us mortals feel the same way and no one wants to think about it anymore. The Storyteller: These are the people we should admire most during this time of year, given that they’re pretty old and probably wise. So when they talk about how they walked 10-15 miles every day uphill both ways even though the holes in their shoes gave them frostbite and they had to bite their little toes off just to survive, you sit down and you listen to their stories about going to school in 1984, dammit! No matter how much it seems like they’re exaggerating, remember that you will probably tell your grandchildren the same thing about walking up Valley Hill in the depths of

winter with a backpack full of expensive and heavy books. And, let’s not forget the shoes you were wearing that were not designed for this weather but they were too cute not to wear. This is college. Appearance matters more than comfort. Of course, you won’t tell the kids that one because they’ll think you’re insane. Weather isn’t just a topic of small talk here. Weather is the whole damn conversation.

When you get sick of it, realize that everyone is equally sick about it but will not be ashamed to tell you how they feel anyway. Because we’re from Michigan. When all anyone has to say is “the weather sucks today, but don’t worry… it’s supposed to be warm enough to rain tomorrow, and if it freezes we might get a snow day!” we know that that’s the very best we can expect for a full half of the year.

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Are You Smarter

than?

1) Environment: A big worry in the 1980s and 1990s, a hole in the ozone layer was discovered over this continent. 2) Cars: The recently-released C7 is the 7th generation of what iconic car? 3) Miscellaneous: A four-sided die is this shape. 4) History: He was the first person is recorded history to circumnavigate the globe. 5) Movies: Amblin’ was the directorial debut of what modern super-director?

Hannah our Editor

Drinking Game

6) Comics: Bill Watterson is the creator behind this much-loved comic. 7) Politics: What larger-than-life politician recently won re-election as Governor of New Jersey. 8) Religion: Current leader of the Catholic Church Pope Francis hails from what country? 9) Beer: IBU measures the bitterness in beer, which is provided by this. 10) Philosophy: This form of philosophy argues that life is without meaning or point, man.

Hannah’s Answers

Correct Answers

1) Australia 2) The C Car 3) Triangle 4) Magellan 5) Steven Spielberg 6) Calvin & Hobbes 7) Chris Christie 8) Argentina 9) Hops 10) Existentialism

1) Antarctica 2) Corvette 3) Pyramid/triangle 4) Ferdinand Magellan 5) Steven Spielberg 6) Calvin & Hobbes 7) Chris Christie 8) Argentina 9) Hops 10) Nihilism

Hannah’s Score: 7 out of 10

Recipe for disaster

Happy Shotsgiving (and Taking)

Cranberry Apple Crisp

Not all families are totally cool with the whole “drinking during family parties” thing. If you’re stuck in one of those families, there’s still a way to get your buzz on discreetly with a cousin or two.

Thanksgiving dinner has many staple items that everyone seems to look forward to every year—stuffing, pumpkin pie, the turkey (duh) and cranberry sauce. This season, make your own variation on that last one with this recipe we found for Cranberry Apple Crisp.

What You’ll Need: A bottle of Wild Turkey (or anything you’re interested in taking shots or sips of ) and a boat full of gravy. Number of Players: As many as you want. Level of Intoxication: Depends on how wacko your family members are. How to Play: - Take a shot of the Wild Turkey/beer/whatever every time one of these things happen: - That notoriously weird relative does something notoriously weird. - Someone asks, “Do you want light or dark meat?” - Your little cousin complains about eating vegetables. - Someone makes a sex joke about stuffing the turkey. - A balloon blows away during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. - Your football team of choice scores a touchdown. - Someone asks you how long you’re home from school or if you have any job prospects. - You eat so many appetizers you feel stuffed before dinner is served. - The host forgets a dish in the oven and never gets to serve it. - Someone asks for a recipe of someone else’s dish. - Take a shot of the gravy every time one of these things happen: - You take a shot of alcohol that just doesn’t sit right. - You want to grab some more dessert but feel really guilty about it. - Someone leaves early to start Black Friday shopping. - The underdog football team wins. - Someone says you look like you’ve gained or lost weight.

What You’ll Need: 3 cups chopped/peeled tart apples, 2 cup fresh or frozen cranberries, 1 cup sugar, 3 tablespoons all-purpose flour, 1 and 1/2 cups quick-cooking oats, 1/2 cup flour, 1/2 cup brown sugar, 1/2 cup melted butter, and 1/4 cup chopped pecans. Cook Time: Just over an hour Fatty Factor: It was on Pinterest; none of that shit is healthy. Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat your oven to 350 degrees. - Grab a bowl and combine the apples, cranberries, sugar and flour. - Grease an 11-inch by 7-inch baking dish and pour in the mixed ingredients. - Mix the oats, flour, brown sugar, melted butter and chopped pecans in another bowl. - Sprinkle these ingredients on top of the dish as a topping. - Bake it for 50-55 minutes or until the fruit is tender. Bring it over to your girlfriend’s house for Thanksgiving and make her family love you … and make yours jealous you’d never do anything like that for them.

The Game Ends When: Everyone goes home, or you’re in the bathroom puking up the delicious meal you just consumed.

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Guess The Label

Do you know all of these old school logos? Send us your answers to backpage@theblacksheeponline.com and if you’re right, you’ll win a sweet prize!

madlib

Flipping through cosmo magazine I was on my way to ___1___ , sipping a

___2___ doublewhipped, non-fat ___3___ latte or something, and I decided to pick up the Bible for college girls: Cosmo. ___4___ is on the cover and I love her! Her ___5___ is perfect and, personally, I don’t think she has a ___6___ problem, but if she does, who cares? Right away I flipped to the embarrassing stories section because it’s crazy how crazy they are!!! There was a story of a girl who ___7___ ed on a first date! You couldn’t make that shit up!!! They were ___8___ -deep in some endless ___9___ and ___10___ and then right there, on the waitress, boom. No one got laid that night. Then there’s the beauty section, which had a list of ___11___ face masks. Who knew that rubbing that all over my ___12___ would make it shinier? Who knew you even wanted that shinier? There was also a guide to choosing the right color of ___13___ for your skin tone. They said ___14___ would be perfect for my ___15___ ? Uhm, okay. A flipped through the sex tips, which said that using ___16___ and my ___17___ to give a ___18___ to a guy would make him really like me. I’m skeptical. Then there was something about the ___19___ ___20___ -___21___ position and I was like, whoa. Can’t I get more embarrassing stories up in here? Lastly there was a column about making ___22___ , which I totally clipped and put on my mini-fridge! 1: Academic Building 2: Size 3: Italian word 4: Has-been celebrity 5: Body part 6: Drug 7: Bodily function 8: Body part 9: Appetizer 10: Fruity alcoholic drink 11: Root vegetable

12: Body part 13: Type of makeup 14: Obscure color 15: Facial feature 16: Salad dressing 17: Appendage 18: Type of oral sex 19: Foreign country 20: Direction 21: Body part 22: Drink from #10

fashion Pieces ACROSS 3) The film Flashdance made them popular, two words. 5) Super ugly, comfortable shoes. 6) Zip-up or pullover, everyone owns a favorite one of these. 7) Decorative button to fasten the cuff of a dress shirt. 9) This one piece suit makes using the bathroom difficult. 10) Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the what? 11) These type of slip-on female shoes will make your feet sweat. 12) Terribly blends together two bottoms. 15) Girls wear them as pants all the time. 17) This trendy type of dress covers the whole body. 18) Working class men originated this fashion piece.

2) The husband will take this off his bridge at the wedding, tossing it into the crowd. 4) Keeps your little hearing vessels warm. 8) Pleated, Scottish skirt. 13) Ashton Kutcher popularized this accessory in the 2000s, two words. 14) If you wear a top and bottom of this fabric, you’re wearing a Canadian tuxedo. 16) Hippies wear this kind of jewelry, man.

DOWN 1) Popular trousers in the 60s and 70s, two words.

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