WMU - Issue 8 - 12/5/2013 by The Black Sheep

b t w b o o z E F E r q a u a E E

n y T l o l o B l f G a n h p l l

k o H y o l o F p n A z d I p k k

m p E m u r e U a m M m i S y m m

k l x t r S h N n f E t r S h r r

@Black_Sheep_WMU â&#x20AC;˘ December 5th, 2013

q t c B b H u o A x S e u U q q q

e w z L m E l o N a S l l E w s s

e e v A w e n b D e e e e l e y e

e r b C x P b s b s s s s s s s s

a k r K z k s a j a a a a a a a a

r o u o k j u s r h h h h h h h h

b r e n d a n s u x p p p p p p p

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Meet the Staff <<

CAMPUS Manager Nick Viglione

Marketing TEAM Adam Jayroe

Editorial Manager Hannah Weyer

campus director Quinn Myers

Advertising Manager Daltyn Little

owner Atish Doshi

Writers Elizabeth Raffa, Hannah Weyer Sara Czarnecki, Ryan Shek Elena McKendrick

Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio Jessica Sommers Quinn Myers

Distribution Manager Kendall Corso

Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com

Social Media Manager Kim Kurzatkowski

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Disclaimer: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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#goodtimes

I got you a present with a bow on it...

Now I just need to put it in your box.

Seriously?

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#BADTIMESMAN Tweet us your creepiest, most hilarious, most perverted, most raunchy (or all of the above) pick-up lines to @Black_Sheep_WMU #BadTimesMan

If yours proves to be the weirdest, you’ll win a prize and be featured in next week’s issue!

Word

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Crapsize

of the

Simply, falling asleep while taking a dump. “Billy crapsized in the first-floor bathroom after holing up in there for several hours following taco night.”

Week Guess The Mascot Tweet Us @Black_Sheep_WMU First right answer wins a prize!

The Black Sheep

Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @Black_Sheep_WMU and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!

A director that would repurpose an anthropomorphized rabbit book with pink flamingos instead.

read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com

The Black Sheep’s

Guide to Wrapping a Gift

Step 2: Determine Your Length: Ah, victory! Victory over, you Tom, do you hear us? Unravel some wrapping paper and place your gift on it to make sure you measure enough wrapping paper to wrap the whole thing. Otherwise you’re just being wasteful and…wait, now there’s more than enough—like, an inch too much, which is perfect, because now you have to cut the paper. Now it’s time to see what you’re made of, buds-o. The cut should be straight and uniform, just make sure you use a steady hand and, no! No! God, why did you stop to scratch your stomach? Now we’re going to have to start all over because it’s uneven, or, wait, it’s not that bad, just freaking finish this cut and remember to tuck this side under the straight edge, or do you not have the self-control to do even that?

Step 1: Collect Your Supplies: You have the present you bought for the person you want to manipulate care for and you remembered to pick up some wrapping paper at Staples, and what do ribbons or bows matter anyway, right? Good, great, you’re doing well here, you’re even holding those scissors away from your body. Now where’s the tape? You, yes you totally have it somewhere, remember that time you had to hang those—no, stop. Go check the drawer. No, not that one, the other one. It’s in there, isn’t it? It’s not? Well then—Tom. It had to be that asshole Tom. Great. Now you’re going to have to go back to the store and get some—Yes, you’re definitely going to have to pee in Tom’s orange juice—you’re going to have to get some more tape. Step 3: Determine Your Width: Unless you bought your loved one a twoby-four, that yard-tall roll of wrapping paper you just mangled is going to have to be hemmed a little for wrapping purposes. Measure the gift to determine an accurate cut point on the width sides and get to snippin’. Just—please, for the love of whatever deity it is your root for—do not make the same mistake again. Cut in a straight line, just be certain of yourself, man and don’t rip the—you ripped the goddamn paper, we just said not to do that. Ok, no, we’ll get through this. Just get a finished cut that works in theory. Yes, like string theory, but somehow more difficult for you to understand. We’re crying now, we hope you’re happy. Step 4: Tape the main lines: Remember that first big cut you finished? Now you’re going to tape each side together using one-inch pieces of tape at six-inch intervals. Oh yeah, that’s right, time to use that brandspankin’-new tape you nabbed in a jif, not that lost-under-his-bed roll that Tom—fucking Tom—so lazily lost like it was sticky dust in the wind. Now,

hold the wrapping seam together with one hand and use the other to tear off a piece of tape and—what do you mean this is harder than it sounds? No, ok, switch hands and try again. No, this way is definitely easier. Ugh, maybe work on your dexterity a little. You know, just let go of the wrapping and pull off like, six pieces of tape and put them somewhere, then use the tape. Jesus, you people. Step 5: Fold and Tape the Corners: You, uh, you haven’t been doing so hot at this, and now you expect to fold and tape at the same time? So you’re really going to do this? Fine. First, tear off four pieces of tape. Once those are easily accessible, pull each corner taught and fold it in half, diagonally. Then, fold in the sides. This isn’t brain surgery-level difficulty but—Christ, ok, just try it again, we’re so close. Deep breath…and fold. Wow, would you look at that. So great, once each of those have been done four times, you should fold and tape your trapezoidal flap to the gift. Goddammit, you forgot to prep the tape again, didn’t you? Fine, we’ll wait. Just…whistlin’ Dixie over here while this Cleatus-faced motherfu—Oh, hey, you’re back! Fold it and tape it…there! Voila! Does it look good? What? No? Well, then…

Step 6: Make Someone Else Do It: With your inability to do anything right, we’re sure you’ll hear it dozens of times this year: It’s the thought the counts. So, when you hand over that perfectly-wrapped gift to your family member or gift-level acquaintance, then you can say, “Hey, I tried wrapping this but I think my parents drove a railroad spike through my head as a child, so I totally butchered my attempt and I had to beg someone way more competent than I to do it for me,” or something to that effect. And beg them, you will.

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Study Buddies: Freshman Year Study Habits By: Wmu Staff

The

Top

Ten

Things to give President Dunn for Christmas By: Sarah Czarnecki

10.) Oar shots: Thanks to this debacle of a football season (we don’t blame you, President Dunn — we think you’re perfect <3) Kalamazoo is left with too many oars and not enough people still on board with “Row the Boat.” For a neat DIY, do that thing with the skis where you cut out holes and put shot glasses in them. Kalamazoo in one neato gift! 9.) Parking pass: Parking on campus is a joke, but like one of those jokes that no one laughs at because when you think about parking on campus you would rather watch your own parents have sex. Though President Dunn owns WMU, we still think it’s only fair to buy him his first student-parking pass. He probably can park wherever he wants, but we just want to feel closer to him. 8.) PBR Scotch (please be a thing!): What do dads like? Scotch and not being around their families. What do Western students like? PBR and not living up to their families’ idea of what a general business degree looks like. It just seems so right. If PBR came out with a scotch, you bet your ass we’d get a bottle for our WMU dad. 7.) A hug: We bet President Dunn smells like dreams and apple cider. Come get this, Mr. President. Embrace us. Do you work out? We bet you work out. You’re such a good hugger. We’re never letting go.

When you enroll at Western, you’re signing up for up to twelve finals seasons. That sucks so very much. When you live on campus, where are you supposed to get all this studying done? The library? Surely you jest! It’s a rare pizza joint that delivers to Waldo Library. A coffee shop? Certainly not! That means you have to put on pants, and who among us has the motivation to do that? No, for study purposes, you have to clear your pizza boxes off that desk in your dorm, blast your “Study Power!” iTunes playlist and learn things in your dorm. How? How do you dorm study? Well... The Valley Girl/Guy: The Valleys are an infamous cluster of dorms just far enough off campus to be a pain in the asshole, but close enough that you’ll feel like a lazy POS for taking the bus to class. Packed to the gills with freshmen away from home for the first time, Valley life means sex, drugs and exhausted RA’s, which doesn’t leave a whole lot of room for studying. Valley study habits consist of making a conscious decision to fail finals and focus full time on trying to bang your RA. There are three Valleys and three types of Valleys: Valley I –Ackley/Shilling and Britton/Hadley: Full of the cute, naïve little girls and boys that parents still call “Princess,” Valley I kids are much too engrossed in experimenting with the first internet they’ve ever used that didn’t have a porn filter to remember any anatomy definitions except “bukkake.”

Valley II –Garneau/Harvey and Eicher/LaFevre: These adorable little freshmen are getting their shit done, but only because Jason cuts his Adderall with goddamn cocaine and sells them for a mint and a half. Yeah, it’s expensive, but when your parents are paying your way, you can afford a little powdered A. Valley III –Harrison/Stinson and Eldridge/Fox: You know what’s great? Sex. Know what’s better? Blood sacrifice. Know what the sweet little freshmen are up to in Valley III? Befouling virgins and sacrificing them on the Altar of Passage. Insanity aside, you can’t argue with results. Little Three: Little Three students are ex-Valley kids and transfers. Half of these people are coming to Western specifically to study (NERDS) and the other half just figured out that not studying last year fucked them over big time. This means during finals season, French, Zimmerman and Davis halls are silent as the grave. Students lock themselves in their rooms with Insomnia Cookies on speed dial, or find a couch in the student lounge with a fort made of books, or make camp in Bistro3 for a week. This is the perfect time for a heist. Seidschlag: Seid girls fit into two categories during finals: those who sing while they study and play music to help them focus, and those who go to the library to escape their musical roommates. Draper: Draper dudes don’t

have to study. The male half of the Draper/Seid complex, their lives now revolve around sneaking into the theater and art majorettes’ dorm. This is the time of year when those little band geek gals are too distracted nailing down their respective compositions to notice a stranger rooting around in their panty drawer (Seid chicks call them panties). Will Draper dudes fail? Yes. But that’s fine. A healthy panty collection is required for Sigma Chi membership anyway. Henry: Henry kids take stress eating to the logical conclusion because a postage stamp is just not enough space for schoolwork. Finals stressing you out? Grab a table and 800 slices of cake at Bigelow and pretend you’re reading your study guide instead of weeping and calling your mom just to hear her voice. Stuff three slices of crappy pizza in your gross mouth and text your ex for the first time in months because the alternative is calculus. Meet a classmate on your third trip to soup bar. Look away. Hate yourself. More cake. That’s the ticket. We’re not gonna lie to you, underclassmen. There is no joy in studying, and nothing but the sweet release of a six day coma waiting for you at the end of this finals season. But this is an investment, underclassmen! Because the harder you study now, the more you can slack off when you get to be a senior! So buckle down and get that 2.9 GPA — you’re gonna need a good cushion when you’re finally legal to drink!

6.) Monogrammed towel set: Now that we’re tight with Dunn, it only seems right that we get some brown and gold Kohl’s sale towels and have “The Prez” stitched in. Now he won’t ever get them confused with any of his friends’ towels when he goes over to their house for a sleepover. 5.) Autographed photo of Tim Allen: WMU’s proudest moment was… well, um… well, Tim Allen went here. He started at CMU, but then he quickly realized he didn’t want to catch a sheep STD. We bet that Tim and John are pals, but JD doesn’t want to embarrass himself and ask for a signed picture. So since we’re buds with JD, we’ll do it. We’ll do anything for you. 4.) House shoes: A busy president can’t go walking around in his oxfords when he gets home from presidenting! JD’s too laid-back and awesome to be uncomfortable! We’ve seen his slippers. Kmart? Are you serious? J-Dogg needs him a plush pair of house shoes stuffed with our own hair. 3.) A virgin: We might have to go to the engineering campus to find one, but J-Dizzle deserves the supplest, the sweetest, the purest of souls. Only then will he know the depth of our love for him. We love you, President Dunn. 2.) A golden heifer: It is with this sacrifice on the Altar of Education that we pledge ourselves to You, oh Lord and President; to be Your heralds of peace, Your messengers of love, Your drinkers of Burnett’s. When the cup of our sacrifice doth overflow, we shall dedicate our lives to Your name. Dunn, Dunn, DUNN! 1.) An iPod: Now that we can get our music on our phones, you can get an iPod for a really reasonable price!

Around campus send us your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

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from the tweets Would you rather eat pee snow or let it melt and drink it with a straw? Why?

Dreams before Finals

madlib It’s the night before your first final of the semester; just the thought makes you feel __1__ around your __2__. The whole week is like getting __3__ in the middle of a __4__. But don’t worry too much; if you fail you can __5__ your scholarships goodbye and escape it all with a little REM rebound! To get ready for your week of __6__, your brain is preparing you for the worst. The first thing you notice after you drift off into sleep heaven is the gigantic __7__ waiting for you at __8__. It’s blocking the doors, so you go to pull out your __9__, but instead all you have with you is a __10__. Remembering that you can use your __11__ as a

defense mechanism as well, you go up against the __12__. You are just about to beat the ferocious beast, when you see __13__ out of the corner of your eye. You go to them, and they __14__ you. They ask if you would like to __15__ some __16__. You agree, but feel __17__ about being further delayed from getting to your exam. You walk toward a __18__ which is full of __19__, reminding you of __20__. Panic consumes you and you awake in a pool of __21__. There are sounds of __22__ coming nearby when you realize that you’re late for your exam. Hopefully there isn’t a __23__ waiting for you at the door.

Stay Tan All Winter Long!

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1. Unpleasant adjective 2. Body part 3. Form of torture 4. Natural disaster 5. Verb 6. Profanity/ Negative Proper Noun 7. Monster 8. Building on Campus 9. Weapon 10. School Supply 11. Body Part

12. Same as #7 13. Friend 14. Verb 15. Form of drug administration 16. Drug 17. Emotion 18. Place 19. Noun 20. Obligation 21. Body fluid 22. Verb ending in “-ing” 23. Same as #7

By Elizabeth Raffa

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The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT

Saturday December 14th, 9pm to Close Ugly Sweater Party! No Cover! Music By Hired Hands

Everyday! 3pm - 6pm & 10pm - Close: $1 off all pints and 22ozs.

WEDNESDAY: $3 All Pints, $3.50 Captain/Jack Singles, $5.50 Dbls LIVE TRIVIA at 8pm, 1st Place - $30, 2nd Place - $20, 3rd Place - $10

Thursday

LADIES NIGHT HALF-PRICE DRINKS

$5 Martinis 3pm - 6pm & 10pm - Close: $1 off all pints and 22ozs.

$2.50 Wells $2.50 All Bottles $4 Johnny Vegas

Friday

9 - Close: $2.00 U CALL IT on Pints and Single Liquor Drinks $3 Bilbo & Domestic Quarts $5 Double Premiums

$4 Margaritas 3pm - 6pm & 10pm - Close: $1 off all pints and 22ozs.

$1 PBR and High Life Bottles $4 Long Islands $3.50 Fireball/Apple Pie Shots!

Saturday

After 9pm: HALF-PRICE DRINKS

$4 Long Islands 3pm - 6pm & 10pm - Close: $1 off all pints and 22ozs.

Sunday

Evening: $2 Well Drinks $4 Double Wells

$4 Bloody Mary's 3pm - 6pm & 10pm - Close: $1 off all pints and 22ozs.

Monday

$2.25 Bilbo & Domestic Pints $3.00 Premium Pints $3.25 Super Premium Pints $2 Wells, $4.00 Dbl Wells Service Industry 1/2 Price on Everything w/ Pay Stub!

1/2 Off All Bottled Beer 3pm - 6pm & 10pm - Close: $1 off all pints and 22ozs.

$1 PBR $2.50 Wells $3 Manager Shots $4 DELUXE Burger Baskets

Tuesday

$3 Quarts Bilbo & Domestic $4 Premiums Qts. $4.25 Super Prem Qts. $3.75 Long Islands

$3 Pints All Michigan Drafts 3pm - 6pm & 10pm - Close: $1 off all pints and 22ozs.

$3 Anything

Wednesday

$2.25 Bilbo & Domestic Pints $3 Premium Pints $3.25 Super Prem Pints $2.00 Well Drinks $4.00 Double Wells

$2 Rumchata & Fireball $8 Mystery Beer Bucket 3pm - 6pm & 10pm - Close: $1 off all pints and 22ozs.

$3 All Pints, $3.50 Captain/Jack Singles, $5.50 Dbls LIVE TRIVIA at 8pm, 1st Place - $30, 2nd Place - $20, 3rd Place - $10

$2.50 U Call Its (Mixed Drinks & Beers) $3 U Call It Shots 1/2 Off Food and Drinks (Noon - 11PM) $3 All Pints and $2.50 Wells (11PM - Close)

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The Bar Grid

Waldo's

MON: Football Bingo! $2.50 Bud & Bud Light 16oz Aluminums, $3 Bartender Specialty Drink $2.50 Hot Dogs, $3.50 Brats, Fully loaded condiment bar for brats and hot dogs!

Tuesday: College Night (9-close): $2 Wells, Domestics, & Games, DJ Stoz, 18 & up with college I.D., $10 Cover without college I.D.

MONDAY! BELL'S BEERS! $2.50 2/$2.00 TACOS!

Everyday: $2 16oz PBR Mugs, $3.50 34oz PBR and Rolling Rock Schooners, $1.75 Busch, Busch Light and Miller High Life Bottles

SPECIAL NIGHT

$3 U-Call-It $5.99 Chicken and Perch Baskets

PBR Thursday! $7 60oz pitchers, $1.50 pints

MIXED DRINK PITCHERS since 1983!

$7 Domestic Pitchers $3.50 Long Islands, Jacks, Jims $0.59 Boneless Wings

Thursday

$1 Any Domestic Draft $2 Wells $4 Red Bull Vodkas $3 1 Topping Pizza (4-8) $5 1 Topping Pizza (8-midnight)

Glow Bowl (9pm-Close) $10/person for 2 hours of Bowling $2 Shoe Rental

5-9pm $0.40 Wings (dine in only) Happy Hour all night! $2.50 well/call drinks

$2 16oz PBR & Rolling Rock Mugs $3.50 34oz Schooners

Friday

1/2 off Food and Drinks NOON-MIDNIGHT

Glow Bowl (9pm-Close) $10/person for 2 hours of Bowling $2 Shoe Rental

EVERY SATURDAY TAILGATE SPECIALS FOR WMU GAMES!

$2 16oz PBR & Rolling Rock Mugs $3.50 34oz Schooners

Saturday

$5 Pitchers of Beer, $0.35 Naked Wings, $0.40 Breaded Wings, $0.45 Boneless Wings, $5 Bloody Mary bar, $6 for Top Shelf, $4 Mimosas Open at NOON FOR ALL NFL GAMES

Service Industry Night (8 - close) 1/2 off drinks, 1/2 off apps

Closed Follow us on Facebook!

$3.50 Margaritas and Bloody Marys

Sunday

Football Bingo! $2.50 Bud & Bud Light 16oz Aluminums, $3 Bartender Specialty Drink $2.50 Hot Dogs, $3.50 Brats, Fully loaded condiment bar for brats and hot dogs!

Rolling Rock Mondays (6-close) $7 60oz pitchers, $2 bottles, $5 for 2 hours of bowling, $2 shoes

BELL'S BEERS! $2.50 2/$2.00 TACOS!

$2 Domestic Bottles $3.75 Smirnoff Flavored Drinks, $0.59 Wings

Monday

$1 Wells 1/2 off Red Bull Drinks $1 Pizza Slices JEREMY SPRAGUE AND D.J. KANE

College Night (9-close): $2 Wells, Domestics, & Games, DJ Stoz 18 & up with college I.D., $10 Cover without college I.D.

TEAM TRIVIA NIGHT and Mug Club Night Domestic Liters $3.50 Craft Liters $5.50

$12 Domestic Tankers $2 Domestic Pints $2.50 Wells $0.79 Tenders

Tuesday

$5 Mixed Pitchers, $5 Pitchers of Beer, $1 Tacos D.J. 5-0

Ladies Night (6pm - close) $3 Cosmos, Appletinis, Absolut & Cranberry, $2 Glasses of Wine, $1 Games, $3 Microbrew pints

FREE Pool all night ALL flavored Vodkas only $3 (includes the famous PEPPER VODKA)

$4 34oz Domestic Schooners, $3.50 Captain & Bacardi Drinks $0.59 Buffalo Shrimp

Wednesday

quiz

which kalamazoo restaurant are you? 1) Your fashion statement at work is: a) I have to put on pants?! b) Whatever I can find that doesn’t smell like mold. c) Pink! And lace! And cute shoes! And shiny earrings shaped like cupcakes! d) A bright top covered with pieces of flair. 2) When you sit down at a restaurant you like to be greeted by: a) A smile and a glass of chocolate milk! b) A friendly face with crayons for the kids. c) Beer. Why isn’t there a beer in front of me yet? d) Blonde, 5’6, Blue eyes, 36-C, 21-25 years old. 3) How much would food poisoning really bother you? a) Well, as long as it tasted good… b) Um, A LOT! c) Seriously, IT WOULD BOTHER ME A LOT! d) STAY AWAY FROM ME! I don’t want you to see me like this! 4) Your silverware wasn’t cleaned well and has who knows what still on it - you think: a) Does it rub off? Yep, good to go. b) A hobo just spat into my mouth, so this fork is lookin’ pretty clean to me right now. c) Check please! d) Um, I’m pretty sure clean forks are standard these days…

5) When there’s a hair in your food you think: a) Okay, nasty. I’m sure the waitress will replace it. b) Yucky! Yuck! Where’s the bleach?! I need to be clean! c) It’s probably mine, I should really take a shower. d) Ew. But hey, it happens, whatcha gonna do? 6) When there’s a fight you’re thinking: a) One of ‘em has a Blackhawks jersey on; he’s going down. [punch punch kick spit] b) Eh, typical Wednesday night. c) Finally! I’ve been here for like twenty minutes. d) Oh my gosh, someone call the police! 7) When asked if you’d like fries with that: a) Yeah, can I upgrade that to an extra supersize triple grande super fry? b) No thanks, fries are so bad for you! Can I get my cookies with extra sugar and M&Ms on top? c) Bro, fries. Yes. d) I don’t understand the question, and I won’t respond to it. 8) Sharing a plate with strangers a) Sharing a plate a drunk freshman just sneezed into, yeaaah, I’m gonna have to pass. b) The more the merrier!

c) –What? [chewing the dessert of the guy sitting next to you] d) That’s why I got the whole thing! I love you guys! 9) No shirt, no shoes, no service? a) Damn straight — nobody wants to see that! b) YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME! c) I can’t believe people still need signs for this! d) Generally I’d agree, but if the Lions win you might be seeing some skin. 10) Waking up the morning after going out you think: a) DON’T TALK TO ME UNTIL I HAVE COFFEE. I’m sorry I love you. b) Am I wearing a kilt? Why am I in Cleveland? c) What a fun night out! And I’ve got leftover pizza! d) Headache? Check. Drunk Snapchats? Apparently.

answer key 1) A=0 B=2 C=3 D=1 2) A=3 B=1 C=2 D=0 3) A=0 B=2 C=1 D=3 4) A=1 B=0 C=3 D=2 5) A=1 B=3 C=0 D=2

6) A=1 B=2 C=0 D=3 7) A=0 B=3 C=2 D=1 8) A=2 B=1 C=0 D=3 9) A=2 B=0 C=3 D=2 10) A=3 B=0 C=1 D=2

0-7 points = Wendy’s on West Michigan: You’re filthy and cheap and the only reason anyone spends enough time in or around you to know you recently switched from a gross pretzel bun to an awful brioche bun is because they are drunk and broke more often than they are sober and with $5 in their bank account. Basically, you have a problem and should reevaluate some of your life choices. Seriously, get your life together. 8-15 points = Bilbo’s: A little dirty around the edges, but overall pretty satisfying. You like a good home cooked meal with family and friends. Things may get messy if your favorite sports team is losing, but other than that you’re willing to deal with a little chaos and uncleanliness if it means a night out. 16-23 points = The Grotto: You are generally a pretty cool cat but can get a little out of hand at times. All you need are some good friends and a good beer to have a good time. No nonsense. Well, maybe a little nonsense after a beer or five. 24-30 points = Sweetwater Donuts: It doesn’t matter what time it is, if a friend needs you, you’re there with a hug and a list of things you love about them. You love looking neat and cute and there are more flavors of you than you know what to do with. You love sharing and having fun, not unlike a kindergartner, but sometimes your sweetness is overwhelming. Your friends have constant toothaches; your family has type 2 diabetes.

By Elena McKendrick

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read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com

Hanukkah Seek and Find

guess the movie santa!

each box features a different santa claus from various holiday movies. do you know which movie each santa comes from?

Are You Smarter

than?

1) Christmas: Santa Claus is based off of Sinterklaas, a mythological person found in this group’s mythology.

6) Toys: 1998 saw a holiday craze for this toy, which could say things like, “Show me a dance” and “Tell me a joke.”

2) Hanukah: How many branches are there on a menorah?

7) History: On January 1, 1971, these items could no longer be advertised on TV in America.

3) Kwanzaa: In what year was Kwanzaa first celebrated? 4) New Year’s Eve: Since 2006, who has been tasked with presenting Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve? 5) The Rose Bowl: Each year, the Rose Bowl is played in what stadium?

Stas, Ex-Herald Writer

8) Birthdays: This “Stan” background singer was born on Christmas Day, 1971. 9) Snow: The North American record for record snow depth was measured in this contiguous state. 10) Holiday Music: What wintry song thing is given life via silk hat?

Stas' Answers

Correct Answers

1) The Norwegians 2) Eight? 3) 1969, Giggity 4) Nick Cannon 5) Cali, bruh 6) Tickle-me elmo, stripper edition 7) Elvis Presley's legs 8) Dido 9) Contiguous? Probably Maine or some shit 10) Frosty the Snowbro

1) Dutch 2) 9 3) 1969 4) Ryan Seacrest 5) The Rose Bowl 6) Furby 7) Cigarettes 8) Dido 9) California 10) Frosty the Snowman

Stas' Score: 1 out of 10

FINALS BINGO!

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With Technology!

Old Christmas Movies, Revisited

A Christmas Story The Evils of Technology Make… “I want an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle!” becomes: “I want the X-Box One Day One Edition with Kinect, an extra controller, and a copy of Call of Duty: Ghosts!” And the Movie Flips: After Ralphie unwraps the gift his father so sneakily hid in the corner behind the tree he hustles over to his 50-inch flatscreen to hook up this modern technological marvel. After entering his info (and his parents’ credit card number) he anxiously slides the Call of Duty disc into the slot. The game whirrs and whirrs until finally a message appears on the screen: “Drive Cannot Read Disc.” In a fit of prepubescent rage, Ralphie clocks the flatscreen as hard as he can, splintering the thin film of glass and smashing a hole into the family’s sole source of happiness. Scared to death by a report on glass poisoning they saw on the news a week prior, his parents rush him to the hospital for a Christmas Day evaluation. Under his breath Ralphie mutters something about this being his parents’ fault, and a few quick calls later two DCFS representatives are at the hospital with some unwanted Christmas inquiries.

We’re not much for nostalgia, especially around the holidays. If we were six years old and Santa gifted us a plain wooden horse with tin wheels, we’d be so far down the Naughty List the next year, you’d think we’d have murdered our parents. And we did, we definitely did, because even at six we knew Santa was fake and, and that is not the PlayStation 4 we “asked” for. Yeah, so what? We like modern technology. What would happen if we forced this tech into old Christmas movies?

It’s a Wonderful Life The Evils of Technology Make… A tale about the redemption of a suicidal man who has given up on his dreams to help others becomes: Two guys on a cell phone chatting for two hours.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer The Evils of Technology Make… The Island of Misfit Toys becomes: The Island of Outdated Gadgets. And the Movie Flips: As Rudolph and company run away from the Abominable Snow Monster, the FAA calls them out on deviating from their assigned flight path, forcing them to land on a nigh-inhabited island known the Island of Outdated Gadgets.

And the Movie Flips: George Bailey sits alone in his underwear in his dark studio apartment watching a Christmas Eve Chopped marathon, empty 40s strewn around him. Bored and in need of attention, he fires up his cell phone and rips off a text message to his only friend, Clarence Odbody. “Gonna end it all tonight,” it reads. A minute later his phone vibrates, it’s Clarence, and he wants to talk. “Hah, there’s no heaven, you fuckin’ rube,” George the atheist tells Clarence, who insists that committing suicide with preclude George from getting into Heaven. They keep talking; Clarence citing examples of the good George’s service work has done for the community. George is only half paying attention because the contestants on Chopped have to work with a canned chicken, sweetbreads, honey sticks and Greek yogurt, and he has no idea what they’ll do with that. During commercial break, Clarence still on the phone, George walks over to the medicine cabinet and chases a handful of antidepressants with what’s left of his olde English 800, dozing off moments later to Clarence begging the phone, “Hello? Hello? George, you there?”

Stranded on the island overnight, the crew seeks out a place that’ll be open on Christmas Eve. Walking into a restaurant, Rudolph sees booths heavy with first generation iPads, Nooks, and Kindles that don’t have color screens. They turn and stare at Rudolph, recognizing him immediately. A liaison approaches the Christmas cadre begging, “Mr. Reindeer, please, please take us away from this horrible place to a magical land where we’re wanted!” After a quick powwow with Santa, Rudolph returns with an offer, “We can swing by and get you guys tomorrow, we’re way behind, and those kids in sub-Saharan Africa can’t even afford calendars, so they won’t know if we’re a little late. Can’t promise you they won’t use you as rock picks or something, though.” The Outdated G a d g e t s cheer with joy, as their Christmas is saved.

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drinking game

Waldo library finals drinking game By hannah weyer

Do you have finals at the end of this semester? Do they fill you with dread and hatred? Are you ready for them? But are you worried that preparing for finals is less fun than drinking? If you’re still looking for the answer key, finals anxiety may have fried your brain. That’s not cool, you were using that brain for mind-banging your TA! Looks like you need to get cracking on brain-studying so you don’t get kicked out of school. But how? How can you study at home, where you eat and drink and throw up and bang and sleep? You can’t - home is for leisure. You must go to Waldo Library, a mysterious land filled with internet and facts you could find on the internet but instead have to shuffle through eighty different book stacks to find to fulfill your professor’s bibliography quota. It is there, in the smell of homeless people and popcorn, that you find the courage to not be a stupid piece of shit. Okay. Not failing. We’re down. But studying? Now we’re back up. Is there any way to combine not failing with awesometime? Yes! Waldo Library Drinking Game! Pack up a water bottle of Long Island and rejoice!

Level 1: Sip every time you see… - A word you’ve never seen in your life on the study guide - Pajamas - Coffee from Biggby - Someone sleeping on their textbook - Messy bun - A computer opened to Facebook *Bonus!* Tack an extra minute onto your study break every time you hear… - “What?” - “Huh?” - “Wait…” - “But…” - “Jesus.” - “Mommy!” Level 2: Two sips when time you see… - Someone studying upside down so the blood rushes to their brain - Slippers - A coffee maker - Someone sleeping in a beanbag chair - A study group of between 2-5 people - Pizza *Bonus!* Add two minutes to your study break when you smell… - Burned coffee

- Swamp ass - A homeless guy - Popcorn - A super old book - All-nighter BO Level 3: Take a swig when you see… - A professor leading a study group - Perfectly done hairstyle - Snuggie - Someone slapping their own face to stay awake - A couple making out - Someone sleeping upside down *Bonus!* Add five minutes to your study break when you feel… - A wet spot on a wooden chair - A paper cut - A disturbingly warm toilet seat - A boob - Someone slapping you awake - Ennui Level 4: Take two drinks when you see… - A study group of five or more - Two people sharing a blanket - Someone sleeping upside down with their head on their book after studying osmosis - Someone crying - Someone calling their mom just to hear their voice - Christmas sweater

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UGLY SWEATER PARTY! MUSIC BY HIRED HANDS, NO COVER!

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*Bonus!* Add ten minutes to your study break when you taste… - Pizza - Burned coffee - The lips of a stranger - Dry mouth - Ink - Defeat MAXIMUM LEVEL: Finish your drink when you see… - A laughing librarian - Your professor, just chilling - A puppy! Puppypuppypuppy Who’s a good boy? - Dim sum - A couple having sex - Footie pajamas *Bonus!* Stop studying immediately if you experience…) - Nausea/vomiting - Possible symptoms of suddenonset pancreatic cancer - Menstrual cramps - Homesickness - Astral projection - Ennui Don’t forget to keep score so you can drink exactly the same amount before your exam! Drunk memory is a many-splendored thing we read about once, so you can trust it. As always, have a fun, safe, wasted break!

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