WMU Issue 2.01, Jan 12 2011 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep “A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College...”

Free...like QuadDeals, sign up today!

Other stuff

theblacksheeponline.com January 13th - 26th Volume 2 Issue 01

We Spent $60,000,000 of Students’ Money, and All We Got is this Lousy Building

Inside 04 A Bronco’s Guide to

Getting it On

at WMU everyone’s hung like a horse

05 Myth Buster

We put “liquor before beer” hypothesis to the test

07 Who’s Teaching Us

Our reaction to WMU’s low professor score

john wrote this

ow many times should the students of Western Michigan University stand still and allow themselves to be slapped in the face? Our tuition rises every year, and every year we just take out massive student loans so that we can afford it. Then we hopefully get something back on our refund checks so we can afford our outrageously overpriced books that will almost definitely not be bought back for more than $5 at the end of the semester. Hey, that’s fine. I don’t mind. Maybe that’s why they reduced the minimum GPA. Maybe they think that we are so stupid that we will obliviously take these constant insults and not do anything about it. Constantly, I see our rights undermined, our safety disregarded, and our money wasted on ridiculous and badly planned projects. It’s not bad enough that some asshole decided to build section 8 housing right next to campus, and every time I leave my apartment I have to use a padlock and turn on every light so that someone doesn’t bust in (again) and steal everything I own. No, now I need to worry about my college robbing me as well. I hope that by now, you’ve all heard about Sangren Hall. For those of you who don’t read or invest any interest in your surroundings, Sangren Hall is that huge hole in the ground next to the Bernhard Cwnter. It’s going to cost somewhere between 60 and 69 million dollars to rebuild it (at least that’s what they tell us now) and initially, WMU officials were counting on a piece of Michigan legislature to help fund the project. However, construction started prior to the legislature going through, and when it wasn’t passed, the project had already commenced and now it’s up to us to pay for WMU’s stupid mistake with a 3% tuition hike. And that’s just for the Sangren project, I’m sure they’ll hike it even more to pay for all sorts of other dumb shit. I don’t think the yard next to the Miller parking garage is littered with enough haphazard art, (I think I saw a multi-colored tent out there the other day) and we could probably use another underground walkway on the other side of campus with a couple unlit grassy patches that people can hide in to rob us at gunpoint. Or, of course, we could dump some more money into the Bernhard center so they can continue to sell us $40 dollar WMU shirts, and censor all the printed newspapers that are set out. Ever notice they have all those big bins for newspapers, but the only publication you ever see inside is the Herald? That’s because if you put anything else in there they’ll throw it away. Try it. At WMU, despite our obscene tuition, we don’t deserve our freedom of the press. But yet, as all of this is happening, what do we do? We lean forward and take it

in the ass like the bunch of pussies that we are. Where’s the protests? Where’s the mobs of angry and concerned students with signs out in front of the Sangren site or by the flags in the center of campus? If we don’t put down the bong and the last can of Four Loko and go out and show these assholes that we have a voice, what’s next? If our tuition rates are going to get hiked, maybe we should have a say in what that money goes to. Maybe we should have some student housing that won’t burn up our entire refund check, or even, try to imagine this, some security on campus. Consider this: I’m sure you’ve seen the parking attendants walking around on campus handing out tickets hundreds of times… how many times have you seen campus security walking around keeping people safe? With tickets, and parking passes, and books, and tuition hikes, it’s hard for me to think that our officials give a shit about anything other than getting our money. It certainly doesn’t help when it comes down to us to pay for the Sangren reconstruction, even though we had no say in the decision to start building when the funds for construction had not yet been secured. Yeah… great idea that was. This is like if I took out a loan on a house, and then when I couldn’t pay for it, I made the homeless foot the bill. Dear WMU, YOU’VE ALREADY TAKEN ALL MY MONEY! Thanks to the constantly dwindling financial aid, the regularly increasing tuition, and the random extra charges brought forth by the university, I have to work my ass off, just to keep a second floor apartment near campus so I’m not on the first floor with crackheads crawling through the windows stealing everything I haven’t put in a wall safe. That’s cool though, WMU. Enjoy your Lexus that I’m sure you don’t have to buy a parking pass for, and never get any tickets. This Sangren Hall outrage is not rock bottom. It’s time for us to go out and make some noise, or God only knows what else we’ll have to pay for next. Call your friends, get on Facebook, and let’s get some protests together. And I’m not talking those pussy little protests with flowers on the signs. I want to see some hardcore pipe-hitting MMA kids with no fucking futures. You know your one friend that has a felony for attacking a police officer yet somehow still got into Western… yeah, tell THAT guy all about how WMU is ripping us off, give him a couple Red Bulls and a sign (it doesn’t matter what it says, he’ll probably just hit someone with it anyway) and send him out to the Sangren site. If they want to let these lunatics in so that they can collect on tuition, then it’s our responsibility to get them all fired up and send them out to make examples of themselves. Sounds risky, and irresponsible right… so was starting a 69 million dollar construction project without 69 million dollars.

GUESS WHAT? WE NOW HAVE AN ANDROID AND IPHONE APP! DOWNLOAD THEM BOTH, SEARCH BLACK SHEEP MOBILE!

In This Issue

05: Sangren Sledding

Hey, the university’s gotta make a buck.

13: Interview

A pornstar gives us 15 minutes, but not a handjob : (

06: Party Pics and Shoutouts

Let’s see what you crazy kids have been up to over break...

16: Backpage

You seek, you find…you’ll probably fail.

14 Drinking Games

Because who likes making out without a drink?

12: Movie Review

K-king’s Sp-sp-sp-speech is g-g-g-ggood.

07: Party Foul

Be cool, man. Just...be cool.

KEYWORD:

HUNTERSRIDGEAPARTMENTS

H UNTER’S R IDGE APARTMENTS

 Spacious 1 & 2 Bedroom Apartments  FREE Wi-Fi THE WAY YOU WERE MEANT TO LIVE!  HUGE 2 Bedroom/2 Bath Floorplans  Private Patio/Balcony M SHORT WALK TO CLASS OR RIDE and Dryer in Each Unit ClosetsTHE LEX TRAN  Washer  Walk-In SPEOVE-IN CIAL  FREE Carports Available  Extra Storage Available S • Private Bedrooms Fitness Center - with Private Bathrooms  24/7  On the Bus Route • Indoor Basketball Court Tanning  FREE  Minutes to Downtown • CableAir Television - 99 Channels with HBO  Central

H UNTER’S R IDGE • High Speed Wireless Internet • Coffee Bar • Furnished/Unfurnished Apartments • Hardwood Floors APARTMENTS • Pet Friendly • Stainless Steel Appliances • Outdoor Swimming Pool • Tanning Booths

4130 West Michigan Ave. #6, Kalamazoo, MI 49006

(269) 372-3415 hunters_ridge_apts@pinnaclefamily.com

www.huntersridgewmu.com

a big list of awesome stuff

No, no, the other one felt better!

or upload them at

theblacksheeponline.com

pics@theblacksheeponline.com

Hold up a second, what’s this? It’s a QR code, silly. Scan this baby with a smartphone and you’ll be whisked away to a magical world of a picture we found on the internet. Send us a caption for the pic, and we’ll give the person who wrote the best one a prize. It’s not a dirty hobo alley handjob this time, we promise. Send it to QR@theblacksheeponline.com

SEND IN YOUR PARTY PICS TO

what the

HELL

is this?

Can you beat our caption? caption@theblacksheeponline.com

Find

amber in the issue!

If you do, email us at mystery@theblacksheeponline.com and we’ll send the first 20 an awesome prize!

PIC WEEK of the

V O C A L

Here are a few words for you to learn, memorize, and use on a daily basis. Try it out and see what happens!

P O I N T S

Hairitage: Definition: Foregoing pube grooming to better get in touch with one’s ancestors. Sentence: “Ben, the reason I haven’t shaved my pussy in two months is because I’m trying to better know my ancestors by learning about my hairitage.” Pierate: Definition: A roommate or friend that will eat your delicious baked goods without even asking. Sentence: “Alright, which one of you pierate assholes ate my cherry strudel?” (Send us a sentence at vocab@theblacksheeponline.com using one of the vocab words and the best one will win a prize!

Send us a sentence using one of the words above, and the best one wins a prize! vocab@theblacksheeponline.com

www.theblacksheeponline.com

Sex and Dating: A Bronco’s Guide to Getting it On Veronica Vaughn wrote this Greetings fellow mammals! This is the first of many entries surrounding the successes and failures of a hot-and-heavy hookup. While it is no secret that people have been getting it on for centuries and enjoying it, I’m sure I am not the only one who has had many awkward bangs and embarrassing orgasms. Like that time I was making out with English Man Friend, and in an attempt at a sexual lip nibble, I made him bleed. Even worse was the time I accidently sexted my mother. I like being the girl all my friends come to for sex advice, and I hate to brag, but I’ve been told that I’m somewhat of a sexual genius. This column is a forum for your sexual frustrations, difficulties, embarrassments, and questions. I want to hear about the time your Earth Studies professor caught you looking at porn, and walk you through your first conversation with that sex symbol you “Ithyphallophobia” always see in Brown Hall. is a morbid fear

DID YOU KNOW

of seeing, thinking about or having an erect penis.

There ain’t n o t h i n g wrong with a

little bump and grind—and I want to hear all about it!

“My boyfriend and I were getting it on the other night, when in the midst of my howling with pleasure, he was pushing me away and squealing with embarrassment. When I lifted up the covers to see what was going on, I realized that while I was having big fun, so was my dog—licking my man’s crotch.” - Stacy R. “My girl went down on me, for what I’m pretty sure will be the last time in a while. I had to piss really badly, but she came on so strong, and out of nowhere decided my man needed some attention. Before I had time to react, she was takin’ care of business—but what I thought was love juice turned out to be just nature callin’.” - Mark C. “I’m kind of seeing this guy that I work with. One night him and I were closing together, and the restaurant was completely dead, and we were feeling a little frisky, so we decided that we should take our chances and do it in the office in the basement. Little did we know the owner’s wife was going to be stopping by—busted! Needless to say, we are both looking for new jobs.” - Lindsey P. “My boyfriend and decided that we should incorporate a

dildo into our foreplay--obviously for myself. I tend to have a hard time getting off, but I hate making him feel like it’s because I’m not turned on or attracted to him. I had never used one before, so while he was using it on me I faked an orgasm. I told him that the vibration felt so good--only to find out minutes later that batteries were not included.” - Mary K. I want you to be in the next issue! Email your questions and stories to VVaughn@theblacksheeponline.com

MythBuster

Does beer before liquor really make you sicker? “Never take that one last shot.” “Don’t mix light and dark.” Those are a few phrases we live by when drinking. The phrase most sworn by college students, and other drinkers alike, is “Liquor before beer and you’re in the clear, beer before liquor and you’ve never been sicker.” Like most, I’ve listened to this advice since I took back my first shot many blurry nights ago. Again like most, when drinking that meant pounding shot after shot then following it by beer. If someone didn’t follow this order of drinking and then threw up like it was their job, we would immediately blame them for not listening to the phrase. Yet, if they puked buckets after following the order then we would simply blame it on aaaaaalcohol.

Breaking News: New Sledding Hill to be Opened at Sangren Construction Site Travis Pelto wrote this Just 17 days after Western Michigan University was denied 69 million dollars in funding for the construction of the new Sangren hall, an energetic President Dunn emerged at a press conference this past week quickly proclaiming “Annnyyone want to go sledding?!” Questions about Sangren’s murky future, and the 3% tuition hike that will follow because of it, were quickly forgotten as Dunn began to give out free saucers, toboggans and inflatable tubes to each member of the press. “If you guys want to be lamewads and stay inside alllll day then feel free. As for me, I’m hitting the hills. Who’s with me?” Dunn said almost rhetorically as the press in the president’s office began lacing up their booties and putting on glittens well before he spoke the previous statement. The press, me included in this privileged group, had been waiting to see Dunn surface from his office for countless hours after he announced his plan for the new use of the void Sangren construction plot: a fully interactive, state of the art sledding course. He explained all of this in a brief press release hours before the press conference that brought us together that day: “Sure sledding is fun and all: big hills mean big thrills, you know? But lately sledding has seemed dated. Doesn’t really have that pep in its step anymore, you know? So I was all like, ‘Sangren’s not getting used anymore.’ And then I was like ‘WHAM! Let’s make some crazy, paradigm shifting sledding hill there.’” All of us in the press circle were a-flutter when we arrived to the newly designed Super Sangren SledXperience. As a member of the press, I by no means want to editorialize and describe my first SledXperience in a non-objective way, but many of us had a hard time describing the place without using the term “Totally bitchin’”. That was the name of the main attraction after all. Imagine the love child of a rollercoaster and a sledding hill and you’ll get the closet description a human can make of Dunn’s creation. “Totally Bitchin’” is everything one would want in a sledding hill but would be afraid to admit, I mention that because sledding conversations where you’re afraid to admit something happen all the time. A sleeker look and feel than the traditional sledding hill, “Totally Bitchin’” is

just one of the many attractions that will be featured at the Super Sangren Sledxperience. Others have criticized this project for being a gawdy, overdressed and priced version of a sledding hill were quickly dismissed as being boring and unimaginative. “The Merry Sledsters”, or the self proclaimed name Dunn had given us all that evening, reached the start of the sledding experience at the top of old/normal/whatever Sangren Hall. “This hill’s not half as bitchin as the one we’re about to reach but, whatever, you guys will see! WOO!” Dunn shouted as he jumped on his saucer head forward down the hill. This hill was indeed significantly less bitching than most sledding hills. It was still a sledding experience, I got to ride down a hill at fun speeds on a wintery night but it did not leave me feeling like I left a well polished, modern rush of a SledXperience. That was just down the hill. Just as President Dunn athletically spun his sled around to yell “RAMMING SPEEEED!” and clothesline a Herald reporter sledding past him, I saw the entrance to Western’s new SledXperience. It really made me question the need for traditional sledding hills at all. We traversed through multiple slopes, full loops, and what appeared to be an inter-dimensional wormhole that brought me to a different sledding hill entirely. The entire press team applauded President Dunn as he sled down to the bottom of hill with style. None of us were sure how he arrived last because he led the sledding expedition, but we were all pretty sure it had something to do with that wormhole. Dunn ended our first Sledxperience on a somber note: “Totally Bitchin’” is currently the only section of the Sledxperience operating and functional. Plans have been made for additional themes and rides, including gourmet hot chocolate stands, but none of them have the proper funding legislated yet. Despite this it didn’t stop the cheering press, faculty and students encouraging the WMU President to start construction sooner. It’s in this humble reporter’s opinion that we shouldn’t wait in constructing our own Sledxperience. It’s the most bitching looking thing I’ve ever seen.

So what’s the deal? I decided I wanted to investigate and find out if beer before liquor is truly bad news. I couldn’t use myself for this investigation because I must admit I’m a bit of a lightweight and I would most likely get sick either way. I enlisted my friend Joe to help me out because he sure can handle his alcohol. The experiment was simple. I got Joe wasted first off some Keystone, always smooth beer, then made him take some shots of his old friend Admiral Nelson. Then I asked my intoxicated friend a few questions to see if this myth is worth saving the coronas until later. So, Joe on a scale from 1-10 how drunk would you say you are? “Ehhh an 8 almost pushing a 9”.

Perfect. Now, to describe the level you’re on what words would you use? “Every single word in Get Out of Your Mind by Lil’ John. It’s like the song is on repeat in my head I love it.”

Say Susie sold seashells by the sea shore three times really fast. This is what he sounded like: “Sushi shold sheshells buuy the she shore”. Are you feeling the spins? “Yeah not bad spins though I feel like I’m in a fun drunk teacup. Better than the one with Mickey and those guys because there’s not screaming and throwing up 5-year-olds everywhere”. Do you feel like you’re going to visit yacktown? “Nahh I got off the train the stop right before yacktown”.

Show me your keys, cell phone and wallet. He stumbled around and his wallet was in his back pocket and his keys were in his front, but it took him a good 5 minutes to find his phone. What a rare occasion a drunk person looses their phone….NOT! You see that girl over there? (Readers keep in mind that I just pointed to a solid 5) Would you hook up with her? He takes a glance at her, “Oh hell yeah and her friend too. Bring them all back why the hell not. Not her though make her stay here.” At least he picked out the 4, good job Joe. Now it’s time for the question to finish off this experiment. Do you feel any different now than when you’ve taken shots first? “I’m schwasted. I’m feeling fantastic. I might have a grrrreat ending to my night. I haven’t thrown up on anyone, well yet. And tomorrow morning I know I’m going to feel like a bus ran me over then reversed and did it again. Yeahhhh not gonna lie there’s nothing really different from a typical drunk time.”

There you go ladies and gentlemen! It looks like this myth is definitely not as valid as we all assumed it to be. With it being the first weekend back at school after break, majority of you will be in Joe’s state of mind. Congrats! When it comes down to it go ahead take that one last shot, mix light and dark, and slam some brews before your liquor. The only rule to live by is “Know your limits”. BECAUSE NO ONE LIKES A SLOPPY DRUNK! No one… By: Dana Borzea

S E R U T C I P k e e w E H T OF

Send in your pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com

View AND Send Pics from our App!

SHOUT OUTS! To the six sorostitutes on elipticals in front of me: thank you, could not have done it with out you - the guy in red, breathing heavy Lou...where did you go? Why did you leave? And will you please come back? Jackie - it was great “reconnecting” back home over break, but let’s be serious, you’re a 5, I’m an 8, it just doesn’t add up. -Mike S To the girl who groped me all night at Grotto on Thursday, can we try this again? This time, let me turn around, the positioning will work out better. -Tall and very blue Amanda, did you come back early and eat all my food? I know it was you! -Sarah KK - who do you think you are? Making out with Mike on NYE with MY friends? Just wait until I see your fat ass, I will destroy you!!! -Meg To the girl who puked on our carpet outside of the bathroom during our NYE party...thanks for the stain and for leaving $20, and for leaving. -404 To our new neighbor at CH - thanks for the show, we appreciate it. -the boys w da noise.

SEND IN YOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO SHOUT@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com

www.theblacksheeponline.com

Party Foul: Etiquette for Drinking in Kalamazoo Ashley Loomis wrote this Emily Post can suck it. This isn’t the early 20th century anymore and those old rules just don’t apply. However, you can’t just go to some party willy-nilly and act a fool, lest you end up being “that guy” that no one wants to be. In my many years of disapproving at parties, I’ve come up with a comprehensive list of behavior that is completely unacceptable (says me). Now, I’ll have my spies all over campus and trolling the bars from Waldo’s to Shakespeare’s Pub to Wayside…all to catch those of you who insist on acting like asses. Please believe in the coming weeks we’re going to be discussing you…probably in a public forum. When you begin to slur your words, slow your roll. I happen to be a professional drinker and can speak, type and text with absolute correctness while on the sauce. You would think this is a good thing, but no… it’s not. If you appear sober when you’re actually a shitwrecked mess, no one ever buys the whole “Sorry I was such a douche when I was so hammered.” However, a lot of you folks can’t seem to maintain. Ladies especially, when you start to slur your words and just allow yourself to get messier and messier, you look like an idiot. You look like the girl who can’t handle her booze. You’d hate to run into a professor…or heaven forbid your boyfriend’s parents, when you can’t even form a coherent sentence, now wouldn’t you? Always remember it’s a small world and you never know who’s at the party or the bar.

Don’t “taste” other people’s drinks. People who do that automatically deserve to have their teeth knocked down their throats. Now, if we’re hanging out and I’m trying a drink I’ve never had before and offer you a sip because it’s so good? By all means Boo-Boo, take a sip. If I’m in the bathroom, though, and you drink some of my cocktail and tell the bartender you’re going to just “taste” it? I’m going to knock you over. Chances are I’ve slept with that bartender and they’re going to tell me what you did at our next booty call. Hands off other peoples drinks, asshole.

When the party is over…it’s over. It’s three a.m., and everyone is a filthy drunk mess. Unfortunately, you’ve been doing Jaeger bombs all night long so not only are you hammered, you’re wide awake. That’s your own bad luck. Everyone else used their brains and realized they didn’t want to be up hammered all night long. They didn’t consume fucking energy drinks with their alcohol. Don’t start asking people to stay up and party with you. If you can tell people are ready to go to bed, it’s rude to put them in a position where they feel bad for doing what their bodies need to do…pass out. You’ll wind up looking like the loser with low self esteem and no one wants to look like the sad sally at the party. No good.

Know your limit. If I’m three barstools down from you, and you’ve just taken your eighty-third shot of Patron to look like a rough and tumble bitch to the hot guy with all the tattoos, then you suddenly puke your Taco Bell dinner all over the bar because you’re dumb and don’t know when your body will start rejecting alcohol, I’m going to be so unimpressed I’ll spread awful lies about you just so you’re black-listed from as many bars and parties as I deem appropriate. I get wanting to look tough for tough hot guys, but girls who know their limit look a hell of a lot tougher than your stupid ass. He’s going to think it’s much sexier when you’re hammered, slutty and don’t have vomit on your chin.

Be aware of who you’re hitting on. I can’t even count how many times my friend Lisa has had to break a bottle to defend me against some hyper-sensitive bitch with bad extensions, all because I tend to not give a damn if the guy I’m hitting on has a girlfriend or not, nor do I care that she’s sitting directly next to him. At 22 years old, it’s ridiculous and I recommend breaking yourself of this awful habit, should you be committing said etiquette infraction, because making enemies at your favorite Kalamazoo bar or party house is never, ever good. You never know who they know working at the bar, or who they know at the party. Guy or girl, watch your shit.

Who’s Teaching Us?

Kristina Sablatzky wrote this

It’s a sad day at Western. Someone outside of our university has finally come in and said “Hey Western, your professors suck.” For a brief moment in time students had hope that maybe after being told by CBS that we could learn more if we were taught by the McDonald’s cashier; maybe, just maybe our fine university would raise their standards just a tiny little bit. Perhaps we could go to class and feel like it was worth the seven different kinds of frostbite that we received in our treacherous hike from The Valleys to Brown Hall. Potentially, if everything breaks right, we might pay $80,000 and walk away with a little splash of knowledge, as opposed to just another line on our resume. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but dream on kiddos. Recently Western ranked number twelve on the CBS Money Watch list of universities with the worst professors. All of us students saw this coming as soon as we finished our first semester and realized ‘I think I can actually feel my brain turning into goo.’ The worst part about Western landing on this list of waste-yourtime-schools is the fact that the university has decided to do absolutely nothing about it. Why would Western not want to fix the fact that we are being taught by people intellectually equivalent to an empty beer can? Because the list was based on data gathered from ratemyprofessor.com. An “unreliable source,” according to Western. RMP is only used by students who failed the class and want to complain because they got a bad grade, they say. But what’s this? Central Michigan is also on the list. Clearly RMP provided accurate data. The people we get dumped with to teach us, on the off chance that they aren’t a TA or grad student, are generally sub-par to say

the least. There are many times when I think I really would be better off if I were being taught by a homeless person. At least they have life skills, or something. But no. Instead, I spend the majority of my class periods wondering what my professor used as a paddle when they came to this country on a floating door, because speaking Kenyan was not mentioned as a prerequisite to the class in the catalog. Yes, Dr. Dunn, that is a bad professor, not students bitching because we got a bad grade. I don’t have incredibly high standards, ask the guys I “know.” I’m not expecting to walk out of class smiling because I feel enlightened by an aura of knowledge. I just want my professor to communicate the information I need to know in a clear and concise manner. I also expect that when I spend thousands of dollars to be taught a subject, that I am actually taught that subject. The first day is usually syllabus day, I’m not going to learn anything other than if I should actually buy the $120 book that I won’t open anyways. However, is it really necessary to spend the first twenty minutes of every single class period going over the schedule in the syllabus, what I have to do to get an “A”, and my personal favorite, reminding me that your class is packed with important material that I need to learn? Heads up Western professors: first, we already figured that your class was important because it’s required to graduate. Second, I already have an “A” in your class. It wasn’t because I read the book every night and made sixteen drafts of your two-page double spaced ‘term paper’. It was because I brought my clicker to class and got the attendance points. Your class is easier than mac n’ cheese. Finally, believe it or not, I made it to college and I know

how to read, so you don’t need to read the syllabus to me every single time you see me. Thanks but no thanks. Take a look around when you walk into your second semester classes, yeah there are a few kids in there who are higher than kites, but for the most part there is a pretty decent average IQ in the room. Most of the students are smart enough to make a fake ID that they can use at any liquor store in Kalamazoo, so passing digital photography editing shouldn’t be that much of a struggle. What is the link that takes our best and brightest down to the intellectual equivalent of a second grade macaroni picture? The professors. Follow the bread crumbs Gretel, the people we hire to help us learn probably fell off a frat balcony in college.

The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT

Monday-Friday Happy Hour (3-7) Games: $1 Shoes: $2 Drink: $1 off beer/liquor/wine Food: 1/2 off apps

Red Wing Games: $2.50 16oz Miller Lite cans, $3 Tall Labatt/Lt Drafts Pistons Games: Tall $3 Miller Lite Drafts Happpy Hour M-F 3-7 Sat 12-5

THURS/SAT: 9 to Close Half-Price Drinks EVERY NIGHT After 10pmReg Stix w/Dill $2.50, Chzy Stix w/dill $3.50

FRIDAY: Fiona Dickinson CD Release Fiona Dickinson Folk/Ambient From Kalamazoo Minutes Punk/Rock From Kalamazoo Elk Welcome Jam Punk From Kzoo $3 Beer of the Month

THURS, 1/13

Happy Hour All Day $5.99 Burger Baskets

LIVE BAND @ 10PM 7-10: $2.25 Tall Domestics 9-1: $2.25 Wells $2.25 Miller Lite Bottles $3 SoCo Limes

LADIES NIGHT HALF-PRICE DRINKS

P2dahi Hip Hop From Lansing, MI Price At The Door: $5 | 18+ $3.50 Pints

Glow Bowl!

9-1: $1 Miller Lite Pints $4 Long Islands $3 Washington Apple

9 - Close $2.00 U CALL IT on Pints and Single Liquor Drinks $3 Bilbo & Domestic Quarts, $5 Double Premiums

Fiona Dickinson CD Release Fiona Dickinson Folk/Ambient From Kalamazoo Minutes Punk/Rock From Kalamazoo Elk Welcome Jam Punk From Kzoo Free | 18+ $3 Beer of the Month

Sick of the same bars? Come try something new!

Happy Hour 12-5 $1.50 Pints $2.50 Talls of Rolling Rocks 12-7 $3 U-Call It 9pm-1am

After 9pm: HALF-PRICE DRINKS

METAL SHOW Shades Of Mourning Metal From Kalamazoo Hail Of Fire Metal From Battle Creek From Hell Old School Metal From Grand Rapids $3 Beer of the Month

SUN, 1/16

Take a study break and bowl a few games!

Noon-Midnight $3 Tall Domestics $2 Bells

Evening: $2 Well Drinks; $4 Double Wells

Maps & Atlases Math Pop From Chicago, IL The Reptilian Post Hardcore From Kalamazoo Charles The Osprey Math Rock From Grand Rapids Advance Tickets: $8 | All Ages

MON, 1/17

Miller Lite Mondays (8-Close) $5 Miller Lt. Pitchers $4 24oz Miller Lt. Cans $0.50 Wings $5 for 2 Hours of Bowling!

$1 PBR Pints $3 Captain Drinks $3 Bacardi Drinks $2 Kamikazes

$2.25 Bilbo & Domestic Pints $3.00 Premium Pints, $3.25 Super Premium Pints; ($2 well drinks, $4.00 double wells)? Service Industry- 1/2 Price on everything- Bring your pay stub

Get ready for more shows!

TUES, 1/18

College Night (9-Close) $2 Wells, $2 Domestic Pints $1 Games, $1 Shoes $4.99 1-Topping Pizza

9-1 $3 Anything!

$3 Quarts Bilbo & Domestic $4 Premiums Qts. $4.25 Super Prem Qts. $3.75 Long Islands

The Strutt Open Mic Hosted by Adam Danis Sign up: 6.50pm, 15 minute sets Show: 7pm DRUMS, AMPS, PA Provided Free | $4 - Long Islands

WED, 1/19

Ladies Night (8-Close) 1/2 Off Martinis 1/2 Off Wine $0.50 Games, $2 Shoes $4.99 1-Topping Pizza

9-1: Karaoke Night! $5 Vodka Red Bull $2.50 Pints $2.50 Wells $3 White Gummi Bears

$2.25 Bilbo & Domestic Pints $3 Premium Pts, $3.25 Super Prem Pts. $2.00 well drinks $4.00 double wells

CHURCH OF SOUND Great music spun by rotating cast of local badasses $1 Coffee, $2 Shots, $3 Drafts NO COVER EVERY WEDNESDAY!!

FRI, 1/14 SAT, 1/15

The Bar Grid GAME SPECIALS: $2.50 Bud and Bud Lt. 24oz. Cans (Detroit Games) $1.00 PBR (Detroit Home Games) ALL NFL Games $1.50 Rolling Rock Cans

WEDNESDAY: College Night at Wayside 50 cent drafts, $1.25 wells DJ Kane and DJ AC

Monster Thursday! 18+ $3 Wells $3.50 Coronas Monster Energy Concoctions Available

SATURDAY $1 Bottles $2.50 Wells $2.50 Pints

SPECIAL NIGHT

Pitcher Night Mixed Drink Pitchers Starting at $6.25 Domestic Draft Pitchers $5.00 $2 Ursus Waldo’s Shots. $1 Burgers

$2.75 bottles $6.50 Medium Pizza

Monster Thursday! 18+ $3 Wells $3.50 Coronas Monster Energy Concoctions Available

College Night on Campus! 1/2 Off Ladies until 10pm $3 You-Call-Its until Midnight $6.75 mantinis

THURS, 1/13

12-3pm All You Can Eat Pizza $4.95 Happy Hour Night All Night $2.50 Well and Call drinks Cullin Anderson Band 10-close No Cover!

PINT NIGHT! $1 Domestic Pints $1.50 Leiny Pints $4.99 Martinis

$4 PBR Big Cans $4 Berry Splashes

$3 You-Call-It $6 Martinis & Mantinis

FRI, 1/14

NIDAL 10-close No cover! $10.00 Domestic Pitcher and Large One Topping Pizza $4.00 Shot-and-a-Beer $4.00 All Bombs

UCALLIT. $3.00 all drinks until midnight

$3.50 Featured Domestic Bottles $4 Sex on the Beach

$1 Bottles $2.50 Wells $2.50 Pints

SAT, 1/15

Closed

$3.99 Build Your Own Burger $12 Bucket of Domestic Bottles

Closed

1/2 off SIN Night 1/2 Off Liquor and Domestic Beer with SIN card

SUN, 1/16

$2.50 All Bells Beer $3.00 Long Island, Long Beach and Blue Island $2 for 2 Tacos

$3.25 25oz Domestic Mugs 35 cent Hot Wings 50 cent Boneless Wings

Closed

1/2 off Pizza 7-10pm $3 Domestic Mugs $2 Wells

MON, 1/17

“W” Club Night $3.00 Domestic Liters & $5.00 Specialty Liters, $5.00 wings (for members only) Just $10.00 for a personalized mug and lifetime membership! Team Trivia every Tuesday

Service Industry Night! 1/2 Off Liquor and Domestic Draft Beer w/ SIN card $6.50 Medium Pizza Team Trivia 8PM

Closed

$1 Pints $2 Wells $6.50 Martinis & Mantinis

TUES, 1/18

Waldo’s Infused Vodka Night $3 Vodka Shots and Drinks $5 Vodka Martini’s 1/2 Off Food for WMU and K College Staff (with valid ID) Open Mic Every Wednesday! Sign up at 8:00, Free Hosted by Cullin Anderson

College Night at Wayside 50 cent drafts, $1.25 wells DJ Kane and DJ AC

Closed

$2 Pints $5 1 Item Pizzas

WED, 1/19

The Bar Grid THURS/SAT: 9 to Close Half-Price Drinks EVERY NIGHT After 10pmReg Stix w/Dill $2.50, Chzy Stix w/dill $3.50

FRIDAY: Hawthorne Heights! with Key To The Midway, The Better Fight, Your Highway Home, and Lakeland Adv. Tickets: $12 | All Ages

Happy Hour All Day $5.99 Burger Baskets

LIVE BAND @ 10PM 7-10: $2.25 Tall Domestics 9-1: $2.25 Wells $2.25 Miller Lite Bottles $3 SoCo Limes

LADIES NIGHT HALF-PRICE DRINKS

Tiny Rhythm Party Time From Kalamazoo People’s Temple Garage From Lansing Bad Indians Psych Rock From Michigan Price At The Door: $5 | 18+

Glow Bowl!

9-1: $1 Miller Lite Pints $4 Long Islands $3 Washington Apple

9 - Close $2.00 U CALL IT on Pints and Single Liquor Drinks $3 Bilbo & Domestic Quarts, $5 Double Premiums

Hawthorne Heights! with Key To The Midway, The Better Fight, Your Highway Home, and Lakeland $3 Beer of the Month

SAT, 1/22

Sick of the same bars? Come try something new!

Happy Hour 12-5 $1.50 Pints $2.50 Talls of Rolling Rocks 12-7 $3 U-Call It 9pm-1am

After 9pm: HALF-PRICE DRINKS

Rachael Davis Folk/Blues Master From MI Jake Armerding Folk From Massachusetts $3 Beer of the Month

SUN, 1/23

Take a study break and bowl a few games!

Noon-Midnight $3 Tall Domestics $2 Bells

Evening: $2 Well Drinks; $4 Double Wells

MON, 1/24

Miller Lite Mondays (8-Close) $5 Miller Lt. Pitchers $4 24oz Miller Lt. Cans $0.50 Wings $5 for 2 Hours of Bowling!

$1 PBR Pints $3 Captain Drinks $3 Bacardi Drinks $2 Kamikazes

$2.25 Bilbo & Domestic Pints $3.00 Premium Pints, $3.25 Super Premium Pints; ($2 well drinks, $4.00 double wells)? Service Industry- 1/2 Price on everything- Bring your pay stub

FREE SHOW Duke & The Loose Cannons, Rock ‘N’ Roll Free | 18+ $4 Micros on Tap

TUES, 1/25

College Night (9-Close) $2 Wells, $2 Domestic Pints $1 Games, $1 Shoes $4.99 1-Topping Pizza

9-1 $3 Anything!

$3 Quarts Bilbo & Domestic $4 Premiums Qts. $4.25 Super Prem Qts. $3.75 Long Islands

The Strutt Open Mic Hosted by Adam Danis Sign up: 6.50pm, 15 minute sets Show: 7pm DRUMS, AMPS, PA Provided Free | $4 - Long Islands

WED, 1/26

Ladies Night (8-Close) 1/2 Off Martinis 1/2 Off Wine $0.50 Games, $2 Shoes $4.99 1-Topping Pizza

9-1: Karaoke Night! $5 Vodka Red Bull $2.50 Pints $2.50 Wells $3 White Gummi Bears

$2.25 Bilbo & Domestic Pints $3 Premium Pts, $3.25 Super Prem Pts. $2.00 well drinks $4.00 double wells

CHURCH OF SOUND Great music spun by rotating cast of local badasses $1 Coffee, $2 Shots, $3 Drafts NO COVER EVERY WEDNESDAY

SPECIAL NIGHT

THURS, 1/20 FRI, 1/21

TUES: College Night (9-Close) $2 Wells, $2 Domestic Pints $1 Games, $1 Shoes $4.99 1-Topping Pizza

Red Wing Games: $2.50 16oz Miller Lite cans, $3 Tall Labatt/Lt Drafts Pistons Games: Tall $3 Miller Lite Drafts Happpy Hour M-F 3-7 Sat 12-5

Foghorn String Band Ass Kickin’ Red Neck String Music From Portland

Price At The Door: $8 | All Ages

The Bar Grid GAME SPECIALS: $2.50 Bud and Bud Lt. 24oz. Cans (Detroit Games) $1.00 PBR (Detroit Home Games) ALL NFL Games $1.50 Rolling Rock Cans

SATURDAY: Live MMA Cage Fight Starting at 8pm. Tickets $10 in Advance

Monster Thursday! 18+ $3 Wells $3.50 Coronas Monster Energy Concoctions Available

SUNDAY: 1/2 off SIN Night 1/2 Off Liquor and Domestic Beer with SIN card

SPECIAL NIGHT

Pitcher Night Mixed Drink Pitchers Starting at $6.25 Domestic Draft Pitchers $5.00 $2 Ursus Waldo’s Shots. $1 Burgers

$2.75 bottles $6.50 Medium Pizza

Monster Thursday! 18+ $3 Wells $3.50 Coronas Monster Energy Concoctions Available

College Night on Campus! 1/2 Off Ladies until 10pm $3 You-Call-Its until Midnight $6.75 mantinis

THURS, 1/20

12-3pm All You Can Eat Pizza $4.95 Happy Hour Night All Night $2.50 Well and Call drinks SALVO 10-close No cover! Every Friday live saxophone in Pilsen Klub, No cover!

PINT NIGHT! $1 Domestic Pints $1.50 Leiny Pints $4.99 Martinis

$4 PBR Big Cans $4 Berry Splashes

$3 You-Call-It $6 Martinis & Mantinis

FRI, 1/21

Matt Foresman 10-close No cover! $10.00 Domestic Pitcher and Large One Topping Pizza $4.00 Shot-and-a-Beer $4.00 All Bombs

UCALLIT. $3.00 all drinks until midnight

$3.50 Featured Domestic Bottles $4 Sex on the Beach

$1 Bottles $2.50 Wells $2.50 Pints

SAT, 1/22

Closed

$3.99 Build Your Own Burger $12 Bucket of Domestic Bottles

Closed

1/2 off SIN Night 1/2 Off Liquor and Domestic Beer with SIN card

SUN, 1/23

$2.50 All Bells Beer $3.00 Long Island, Long Beach and Blue Island $2 for 2 Tacos

$3.25 25oz Domestic Mugs 35 cent Hot Wings 50 cent Boneless Wings

Closed

1/2 off Pizza 7-10pm $3 Domestic Mugs $2 Wells

MON, 1/24

“W” Club Night $3.00 Domestic Liters & $5.00 Specialty Liters, $5.00 wings (for members only) Just $10.00 for a personalized mug and lifetime membership! Team Trivia every Tuesday

Service Industry Night! 1/2 Off Liquor and Domestic Draft Beer w/ SIN card $6.50 Medium Pizza Team Trivia 8PM

Closed

$1 Pints $2 Wells $6.50 Martinis & Mantinis

TUES, 1/25

College Night at Wayside 50 cent drafts, $1.25 wells DJ Kane and DJ AC

Closed

$2 Pints $5 1 Item Pizzas

WED, 1/26

www.theblacksheeponline.com

the movie page

Based on the Trailer

king’s speech dave saw this and gave it a...

The Dilemma

Director:

Starring: Vince Vaughn, Kevin James, Winona Ryder What You Need to Know: Two best friends (Vaughn and James) do best friend-y things with their perfect, cute girlfriends. James’ girl predictably cheats on him (sorry chubbies) and Vaughn catches that hoe in action. Ooh la la, wackiness ensues! What We Think: We think Kevin James looked severely Photoshopped in all of the ads for this film. Even besides judging a book by its cover, it looks pretty typical and overdone. “Couples Retreat” anyone? Okay, we didn’t see that, but over-35 couples just aren’t interesting or sexy.

The Green Hornet

Tom Hooper

Jan. 14th

Starring: Seth Rogen, Cameron Diaz, Jay Chou What You Need to Know: Britt Reid (Seth Rogen) is a sloppy party boy and is so content with it (duh). Shit gets real when his father, a prominent LA media dude, mysteriously dies. Then for some reason, Reid and his Asian friend decide to be a Batman/Robin due of sorts and a tight car mysteriously appears. Aha! What We Think: <3 you Seth Rogen, you are right even when you are wrong. The plot of this movie doesn’t really make sense, and Rogen in an action film is still bizarre (come on, “Pineapple Express” so doesn’t count) but we’re still willing to give this film a shot.

No Strings Attached Jan. 21st Starring: Natalie Portman, Ashton Kutcher, Cary Elwes What You Need to Know: Two attractive friends (Portman, Kutcher) make a decision to just bang all the time, you know, with no strings attached. But sure enough, one of them wants more than the other. Woe is me, ya know? What We Think: Natalie Portman sure is riding the “Black Swan” wave, but that’s okay with us. This movie looks pretty decent, especially whenever Mindy Kaling and Ludacris grace the screen. The plot is slightly obnoxious though; seriously, they are both hot and seemingly cool, why can’t they just love each other?

A-

Starring:

Colin Firth, Geoffrey Rush, Helena Bonham Carter

Synopsis:

T-t-this f-f-f-film w-w-will winn-n an-an-an-an Osc-c-c-car. The historical drama isn’t for everyone. They’re usually heavy, demanding, emotional films that require a lot of thinking. Plus you pretty much know going into a historical film that no one is going to get hit in the groin. But often times, as cliché old guys on the History Channel say, the truth can be more interesting than fiction, which is why some of the best movies are based on true events. The Kings Speech tells one of these superinteresting true stories. The film shows how King George VI (Colin Firth), the King of England during WWII, overcame a stutter and became one of England’s strongest leaders. Although the act of a king receiving speech therapy may sound mundane, it is surprisingly moving in the film. At the time when George was in line for the throne, the radio had just been invented and British leaders were using it to speak to their people. But because of his impediment, George could barely speak to his daughters, so he hired speech therapist Lionel Logue (Geoffrey Rush). Through unorthodox methods like singing, yelling and swearing, the King not only developed his speech but a friendship with Lionel as well. It’s hard to believe that this story hasn’t

on DVD

kings!

been told to a mainstream American audience before because, even though it’s a very British-y tale, it’s very intriguing. The film clocks in at two hours and a lot of it was British people being worried about what others think of them, which never happens in Take No Prisoners, Do What You Want America!, but I was never once bored or waiting for an ending. The filmmakers made it fun to hang out with the King and his therapist as they talked and learned from each other. Essentially this was a bro-mance for the historical, regal crowd. Of course, since this was a big name British film, every good actor in England was called upon for a role. With all the actors I recognized from a certain wizard film series, the title could probably just be Harry Potter and the Stuttering King. But everyone here shows there’s more to them than just goofy kids films or big British ensemble comedies. Colin Firth is brilliant as the King; even without the ability to speak clearly, he is able to show the pressure that comes with his title and gives the audience the ability to see him as a scared human being instead of an old, dead king-dude. Geoffrey Rush provides a great humorous element to the story, and Helena

Bonham Carter takes a break from being all gothy in Tim Burton films to play a very caring, yet strong, wife of the King. There were times when I saw the film almost stretch too hard for intensity and emotion by the numerous “big” fights the King and Lionel would have then resolve, but the emotion never seemed faked or forced. What I thought was most interesting about The King’s Speech was that it was an extremely historical film yet hugely personal at the same time. It wasn’t questioning what England would’ve been without this King during WWII or saying he did anything beyond what his country required of him; the film simply showed how courageous one can be for his country when given the chance. After opening in big, arty cities in December to qualify for awards, good winter movies will be trickling into theatres over the next months for your viewing pleasure. There are a ton of them to see if you’re into movies, but I recommend you start off with this one. It’s surprisingly inoffensive and tame compared to what else will probably be honored during awards season, yet that doesn’t make it any less awesome.

answers are a few pages from here

January 11th The Social Network Piranha Greek: Chapter Five The Complete Third Season

January 18th Takers Stone Justified: The Complete First Season

What else is competitive Donkey Kong gamer Billy Mitchell (from “The King of Kong”) famous for?

The musical “The King In the 1991 comedy “King and I” takes placed in Ralph,” John Goodman’s Siam. What is that country character falls for a woman known as today? of what profession?

What was the budget for the original “King Kong,” released in 1933?

www.theblacksheeponline.com

The Black Sheep Interviews: Chanel Preston Then usually that’s when the guy shows up. After that you’re shooting the sex scene and stills. Then you’re done. I’d say I’m usually there for about five hours. TBS: So you’ve been in the “XXX Parodies” before. How is that different in terms of preparation? Chanel: I was in a Wonder Woman parody. I was watching The Black Sheep: Let’s jump right in; when it comes the show so I could develop the character, and I was just to shooting scenes, do they let you know what movie like, ‘Gosh, this lady has no personality.” Now I’m doing a you’re shooting before they arrive on set, or do they just Reservoir Dogs parody, but the director doesn’t want it to be kind of shoot stuff and fit it into movies later? a parody, he wants it to be a homage. It’s going to be, like, Chanel Preston: It depends. A lot of times they will tell you, word-for-word with sex scenes thrown in. I’m Mr. Orange, so but there have been a couple of times I didn’t I’m dying the whole time. There’s gonna be know what DVD it would be for. They’d let some drama involved. you know the people you’d be working with, TBS: Obviously you choose what kind of There are more than though. sex you have on camera, but how does TBS: And do you guys script the sex 26 million porn sites that decision-making process work for beforehand, or what? How much of it is you? Like, what makes you decide you’ll organic? shoot an anal sex scene? Chanel: It’s very scripted the majority of the Chanel: I had been wanting to do anal and time. They’ll tell you what to do, so they’ll double penetration for a while, and being start by saying “This is the dialogue in the new to the industry it’s not always a great beginning, I want you to…” Then you start idea to jump right in to that stuff. I chose to going at it. You’ll start in one position and do it because I didn’t just want to be that then you’ll cut and do another position. It DID YOU KNOW girl who’s pretty, but that’s all she has going really depends where you’re shooting scenes, for her. Jules Jordan shot my first anal sex because obviously it doesn’t work when scene, and one day he called me to a DP, you’re on a table or whatever. There’s a few times when the and I was like, ‘Yeah, I’ll do that.” director will just say “go for it,” but that’s usually when they’ve TBS: How do you get better at your job? Like, I can write worked with the male talent several times and the male talent in my off-time, but… knows what he’s doing. Chanel: I’ll watch my scenes sometimes and I’ll go, “I TBS: Can you walk through a typical day on set for you? don’t like that,” or “that’s weird.” I read peoples’ reviews of Chanel: If I’m shooting a gonzo film usually I’m in makeup my scenes all the time and take what they have to say as for two or three hours. After that you do your “pretty girl constructive criticism. pictures” where it’s just you modeling with no guys involved. TBS: Do you have friends in the industry that you talk Chanel Preston is a very attractive lady that happens to have sex on camera, which is very convenient to horny dudes the world over. You, horny dude, can catch her on her webcam, on a bunch of DVDs, or on her site, ChanelPreston.com. We caught up with her over the phone, the least erotic of the communication devices.

music

about this stuff to? What’s your social life like? Chanel: I don’t try to distance myself from the girls or anything, but living in Hawaii, it’s hard for me to hang out. When I’m in LA, I’m there to work. TBS: You recently won the CAVR Starlet of the Year award. Does that mean anything to you or does it afford you any interesting opportunities? Chanel: I’m not interested in being a contract girl, though I do work with contract companies. The award is important because I’m so new, but it will certainly help getting my name out there. TBS: You have several tattoos, do they mean anything? Why did you get them? Chanel: I wish they had more meaning, but I just kind of have them. I put one on my back when I’m 18, it’s so ridiculous I’m getting it removed slowly. The ones on my chest I like. The one on my pubic area was impulsive, I wanted to wax, but I didn’t want to look young. Now I’m like, “Why did I do that?” TBS: Holy crap, did that hurt? Chanel: It was really painful. I wanted to do it because… like…who would do that?

? There are more than 26 million porn sites

brendan wrote this

Cake The Mountain Goats This Year

Regina Spektor Human of the Year

David Gray This Year’s Love

Nine Inch Nails Year Zero

Death Cab for Cutie The New Year

U2 New Year’s Day

Al Stewart Year of the Cat

Ra Ra Riot Each Year

The Good Life Album of the Year

10 The Walkmen In the New Year 11 Crystal Castles Year of Silence 12 The Decemberists A Record Year for Rainfall 13 Amanda Palmer Another Year 14 Silversun Pickups No Secrets This Year 15 Foo Fighters Next Year 16 Tori Amos Pretty Good Year 17 Arcade Fire Winter For A Year 18 Nada Surf Blankest Year

Showroom of Compassion As dry as that cake she makes you munch on.

The first (and, ultimately, only) run-in I had with Cake was several years ago, when I worked at a stupid clothing store over Christmas Break. We had many slow nights and I would chat with my favorite manager; a white, gay male over the age of 30 who worked at a store geared toward 13 to 17-year-olds. We got talking about music one night and he gloated that his favorite band ever was Cake. He told me tales of seeing them in the nature, perhaps on peyote. Inspired, I went home and downloaded two Cake albums and proceeded to have a mildly-intense, month long Cake phase. But as most unauthentic obsessions go, it simply fizzled out. Maybe I just “jumped on the bandwagon,” trying to be pseudo-hip with my manager for no good reason. I don’t think I fully “understood” Cake, and I don’t know if I still do. Perhaps it would help if I smoked more weed when I listen to them, but I fear their monotony combined with my permanent “zoned out demeanor” would make listening to them that much more irrelevant and, therefore, pointless. Sure, I enjoyed them then and, sure, Showroom for Compassion, is better than stuff most “mainstream” artists put out there. It’s just not an album that I would suggest to friends or that I would voluntarily listen to, but I might not next it if it came up on shuffle, depending on the status of my A.D.D. Their songs are just meh. Sure, the first track “Federal Funding” deceives the listener initially, because it’s got that dark, melodic beat and dark, low talking-

others

singing combo, but the rest of the album does not follow suit. The folky beat in “Bound Away” is refreshing enough, but the droning chorus lyrics of “Bound away / I’m bound away” is totally predictable and forgettable. John McCrea really loves to repeat things, doesn’t he? In “Long Time” he repeats the ironic line “It’s been a long time / a long time” and it’s like… yeah, it has, hasn’t it? “Sick of You,” the requisite single off the album, has a nice boopy, happy sound that all California bands have. The fast paced guitar chorus is catchy enough, but the monotone vocals are enough to bore any listener halfway through. Finally, I’ve never really been a huge fan of cake, the food that is. The outer appearance is appealing enough, but the inside is always so dry, is it not? But you keep going back, because sprinkles are awesome, hoping that it’ll get better with each bite (and it usually is, with each sip of wine to wash it down), but you somehow weirdly resent it at the end of all of it. Do you see where I’m going with this awesome analogy? Not really? Okay, well all you need to know is that Cake (the band) is so, so dry, and I’m ready for another bottle of wine or perhaps some of that peyote.

Sounds Like: Blaaaaah. Download: “Federal Funding,” “Sick of You,” “The Winter” Listen to it When: You’re permanently zoned out, playing video games.

Steel Magnolia Steel Magnolia Cage the Elephant Thank You Happy Birthday John Lennon, Yoko Ono and Michael Epstein Lennon NYC Alter Bridge Live from Amsterdam

D+

Out Now

Lecrae Rehab: The Overdose Abigail Washburn City of Refuge Lynyrd Skynyrd Skynyrd Nation Marvin Sapp Beginnings

www.theblacksheeponline.com

bartender

WEEK

of the

Age: 22 Status: In a relationship Major: Human Resource Management Favorite Drink: Dirty Kettle One Martini w/ Blue Cheese Stuffed Green Olives Porn Name: Caramel Cass Personal Theme Song: Here I Go Again by White Snake Favorite Sex Position: Girl on top Dream Date: Steve Carell Have you ever hooked up with an employee? No, believe it or not considering where I work. Turn ons: Good sense of humor, very caring, nice smile Turn offs: Cocky, bad hygiene Celebrity you want to hang out with: Zach Galifianakis Celebrity you want to beat up: Kanye West

drink

Steph

’s Burdick

Tunnel Vision

+ 3 Olives Cherry + Hpnotiq +Pineapple Juice

seconds Quick, you have just seconds to decide if that next sip will send you out blacking. What, you’re listening to your conscience? Please, we know you better than that. What You Need: A deck of cards, booze. Number of Players: Oh, two or more. Intoxication Level: Seconds will turn into hours and a hungover morning.

How to Play: - Players sit in a circle with the shuffled deck of cards in the middle. Play goes counter-clockwise, with one person being the dealer and the person to their right being the drinker. - The dealer picks a card. The drinker has to drink for as many seconds as the number on the card. Face cards have a corresponding number as its place in the deck (Jack is 11, Queen is 12, etc.) - Before the drinker drinks, however, he has a choice. He can take the number of that card, or he can challenge the dealer. If he challenges, the dealer draws another card. - If the card is higher than the first card, the dealer has to drink the number of the higher card and the drinker doesn’t drink a thing. - If, however, the second card is lower than the first, the drinker gets punished for challenging and getting it wrong and has to drink the combination of the two cards. - On the rare chance that the drinker challenges and the second card is the same as the first, both drinker and dealer have to drink the combination of the two. - Once the drinker finishes their drinks, the drinker becomes the new dealer. The Game Ends When: The cards run out, and you’ve got seconds to run to the bathroom to vomit appropriately.

drinking games

shot

Sex w/ an Alligator

+ Midori Sour + Jager + Chambord

dare you

Dirty Mexican

+ Well Tequila + Splash of Mayo

Daily Articles, Prizes, Polls, Videos, and More!

join our facebook group!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Meet The Staff!

Managing Editor Koty Neelis

Advertising Manager Brittany Cooper William Cook Mitch Farrington Contributing Writers John Ellis Travis Pelto Eddie Felson Veronica Vaughn Ashley Loomis Dana Borzea Eddie Tours Kristina Sablatzky Distribution Manager K the Man! pr team William Cook Jacquis Robertson David Zolp Founders Atish Doshi Brendan Bonham

Questions?

Find Us At...

Copper Beach The Pointe info@theblacksheeponline.com Cottage Inn Big Burrito The Centre ads@theblacksheeponline.com Biggy Coffee (Main) Main St. Pub Light Music boo@theblacksheeponline.com Green Drake Party Store Maui Beach Tanning Hunter’s Ridge Apts Arboretum Hidden Hills Apts Campus Court Campus Habitat Otter’s Oasis Miami Beach Real Deal Pita Pit Den Party Store Geno’s Pop’s The Black Sheep in no way promotes, Grotto encourages or supports binge drinking, and/ Fat Burrito or under-age drinking. This newspaper is Maggie’s designed for entertainment purposes only and University Bookstore does not recommend attempting anything Lenny’s Subs printed in this publication. Wayside Please drink...responsibly and legally. Gallager’s Menna’s Owned & Operated By: BW3 Black Card Media, LLC Bilbo’s Pizza Biggby (Stadium) 1425 N. Wood Street, Suite 3A Bruno’s Chicago, IL 60622 Waldo’s 217.390.1747

Advertising? Hate Us?

Disclaimer

Roadhouse Strutt Up N Under Metro/411 Harvey’s City Tap Union Taco Bob’s Blaze Y-Bar Munchie Mart (Stadium) Munchie Mart (Michigan) Jimmy John’s (Stadium) Jimmy John’s (Michigan) Green Top Shakespeare’s Wild Bull Skydeck Monaco Bay 4th Entertainment District Bar Burdick’s Bell’s Bernhard Center Bin Every Greek House AND MORE!

join our staff! hireme@TheBlackSheepOnline.com

1) Dog Food Brand _________________ 2) Word for Getting Drunk ___________ 3) Over-the-Counter Pills ____________ 4) Popular 90’s Romantic Comedy _________________________________ 5) Body Part _______________________ 6) Melty Food ______________________ 7) Notorious Terrorist _______________ 8) Measurement ___________________ 9) Popular Easter Candy ____________ 10) Popular 90’s Actor ______________ 11) Wild Game Poultry ______________ 12) Popular Christmas Candy ________________________________ 13) Unusual Spice __________________ 14) Formal Outfit ___________________ 15) Nationality ______________________ 16) Coffee Shop Chain ______________ 17) Popular 90’s Rap Song __________ 18) Living Room Furniture ___________ 19) Over-the-Counter Pills ___________ 20) Body Part ______________________ 21) Diary Product ___________________

Movie Quiz

words! you need 'em!

1. Hot Sauce 2. Thailand 3. Stripping 4. $675,000

Holy _____ 1 _____, last night was bizarre. No, I didn’t get _____ 2 _____ or anything amateur like that. I took a bunch of _____ 3 _____ and watched _____ 4 _____ for like seven hours… okay, maybe it was only two. But I passed out on my dog Sparky’s _____ 5 _____ and had the weirdest, best dream ever. First of all, Sparky was there, but he was wearing _____ 6 _____ covered purple stiletto pumps. He had a beeper on his belt and kept getting pages from _____ 7 _____ which really freaked me the fuck out, because I had a _____ 8 _____ of _____ 9 _____ on me. I quickly got on Google and searched for ways to become invisible, and it took me to _____ 10 _____ website that had detailed directions. He suggested filling your bathtub with _____ 11 _____-flavored Jell-O, ample amounts of melted _____ 12 _____, and condoms filled with _____ 13 _____ So I laid in the tub wearing only a _____ 14 _____, and then things started to get weird. After submersing myself, Sparky came into the bathroom and spoke to me in a _____ 15 _____ accent, telling me that I must “cart-wheel, not run, to the nearest _____ 16 _____.” Torn by my fears of terrorism, I decided to take Sparky’s advice. I leapt out of the tub and fell into the drain. I was swirling down the pipes, and the only sound I could hear was _____ 17 _____ over and over and over. I eventually landed ass-first into a _____ 18 _____ with my feet falling right into purple stiletto pumps. I looked around, in a daze, and noticed a beeper on my belt alerting me. I leapt up and ran into the bathroom… to see myself laying in a bathtub full of crap. I jumped on the counter, avoiding the _____ 19 _____ and gazed at the mirror… I was Sparky. I licked my _____ 20 _____ just to see how it felt, ate some _____ 21 _____ out of the garbage, and fell back asleep, just like a dog would, dreaming sweet, dog dreams.

Answers

mad lib: High Dreamin’

( class time )

Can you find all these items?!