The Black Sheep Presents the fun AND games fInals issue Volume 1, Issue 13 12/6/12 - 12/14/12
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contents
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
page 5
page 5: Dear Santa…
We’ve been pretty naughty, but we ask Santa for things anyway.
page 6: from the streets
how do you carry on your college lifestyle at home?
Table of
page 10: the madlib
Distract yourself from studying by filling in the _____________!
page 12: Christmas movies drinking game
make your millionth time watching a christmas story a special one.
page 15: The Word Search
Pretty self-explanatory guys, kids from pitt could figure this one out.
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THIS SATURDAY: 3AM, PLAYING LIVE! FRIDAY: $0.25 PINTS & $2 MIXED DRINKS
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word of the week borantine:
The act of locking oneself into a quiet area to force oneself to study for an upcoming exam. "Neil put himself into borantine because he knew Adam and Keith would force him to play beer pong, and he really needed to ace his biology exam."
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quiz: Which WVU late night eatery are you? 1) When you head down to High Street, it’s mostly to... a) Get huge amounts of food because you’re stoned and starving. b) Get wasted then go slut dancing at The Cellar. c) Listen to some awesome local bands and look at some art. 2) If your house was on fire and you could only take three things with you, they would be... a) Your skinny jeans, your MacBook and your glasses. You’re going to have to blog this. b) Your ounce of weed, your bowl and just something soft. It doesn’t really matter right now, man. c) All your shot glasses, your huge stash of booze and your little black book. You’ll need to loosen up somehow since you just lost your house.
5) You cope with stress by... a) Drinking until you forget all your problems. Out of mind out of sight, right? Or maybe it’s the other way around? b) Getting stoned so everything seems hilarious. It’s good to laugh during hard times. c) Talking about how you’re feeling on Tumblr. It’s good to know those faceless strangers care. 6) When at a party, you’re the one... a) Trying to pick up the ladies with your creative, sensitive side. b) That can be found in the kitchen eating everything in the fridge, even non-edible things. c) Doing the keg stand, kicking ass at beer pong and chugging every bottle of liquor in sight.
3) What sounds the most appetizing... a) Something fat and greasy. b) Something unique and trend-setting. c) A huge pile of all your favorite foods, or just any food that won’t give you cotton mouth.
7) What kind of music gets your gears grinding? a) Something chill. You don’t want to start freaking out. b) Some underground band with a weird name and even weirder clothes. c) Anything with a great beat. You love breaking it down.
4) How do you like to spend your time outside of class? a) Just relaxing. Sleeping or daydreaming, and probably eating. b) Being creative. Painting, writing inspirational stories and thinking philosophically. c) Getting shitfaced and having so much fun that your face melts off.
8) How would you describe yourself? a) Crazy, outgoing, fun-loving and friendly. b) Chill, one that goes with the flow and doesn’t get excited easily. c) A trend-setter, likes to be unique, studious and thoughtful.
1. a)2 b)1 c)3 2. a)3 b)2 c)1
3. a)1 b)3 c)2 4. a)2 b)3 c)1
5. a)1 b)2 c)3 6. a)3 b)2 c)1
7. a)2 b)3 c)1 8. a)1 b)2 c)3
answers:
8-13 points: Sandwich U
You love those Fat Bitches and Fat Bastards, but only when you’re wasted. You don’t give a shit what you act like or look like as long as you have some alcohol in your system. The company you keep doesn’t really care for you when they’re sober, but by god when you’re drunk, you’re the coolest guy they know!
14-19: chico’s fat
Roll that blunt, take a few hits then look for any food that sounds delicious and put it together. Dude, you really mean that I can tell you what I want on my burrito and you’ll really put it on there... Whoa! I’m like, in heaven, man. If you go at just the right time, then the cook will probably be high too, and he will make sure to make you the best burrito of your life.
20-24 points: Black Bear Burritos
Hipster alert. You think you’re so cool because you know all the latest local bands and have such deep thoughts. Black Bear is a hipster magnet. While you have your deep conversations with your friends, you can also look at the inspirational artwork on the wall then blog about your whole experience later.
MONDAY, DECEMBER 17TH
at THE RAMADA INN & CONFERENCE CENTER
20 SCOTT AVE., MORGANTOWN, WV | BELL TIME 7PM
6PLUSgreat matches! WATCH MONDAY NIGHT RAW ON 2 HUGE SCREEN TVS and enjoy wing and drink specials
GET YOUR TICKETS NOW! CALL 304-276-5336
$15 in Advance, $20 at the Door, Children Under 10 Only $5
WWE LEGEND “MR. USA” TONY ATLAS
WWE STAR & SON OF THE LEGEND “THE BRITISH BULLDOG” DAVID HART SMITH
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The Top 10
page 13
Events of 2012 If the world happens to end on December 21st, at least we can have the satisfaction that we went hard this year in all aspects of college life! Reach back into your forgotten memories and struggle to remember every crazy event that happened this year, as you measure the moments in shots at the bar and midnight smoke-sessions at your sister’s apartment. You may have an especially difficult time recalling these top ten things that happened on campus this year, but bottoms up! 10.) WVU Buys Sunnyside: Gone are the days when WVU students could stumble home quickly without getting arrested or an underage. No more waking up to bloody, passed out strangers on our porches. Keep your eye out for increased police patrol! You can thank the university for that. 9.) The Football Team Meltdown: We had so much promise. And everyone was celebrating and tailgating with their 11a.m. Keystones. Geno lost the Heisman, and a lot of us decided doing homework was more enjoyable than rooting for a losing product. Up until this year we haven’t lost more than three games in a row since ‘82.
Dear Santa... Allyson Parrish wrote this You’ve heard the Christmas song “Santa Claus is Coming to Town,” but what if he was coming to Morgantown? He’s reading his list and checking it twice. He’s going to find out who’s naughty or nice. No need to check it twice, old man; everyone here has been naughty. You can bring us presents anyway, though. And no, we don’t want coal. We have enough of that lying around West Virginia. So, Santa, here is our wish list. Make it happen. The biggest present that you, Santa, could bring WVU is a do-over for our football season. Santa, we lost four games in a row and Geno isn’t the top candidate for Heisman anymore; can’t you just wipe that clean and say everything is perfect? We would love to actually go to a BCS bowl this year. Another perfect present Santa could bring to WVU would be legalized couch burning. Santa, you know how we crazy college students love to party, even if it’s unorthodox. Allow us to burn every couch in town without any sort of consequences. Who cares if it harms the environment or catches some of the crappy houses on Grant Street on fire? We need to keep this tradition alive, but of course we only do it when it’s legal.
8.) St. Patrick’s Day: A day that went down in history, though the university prefers to pretend it didn’t happen. On the other side of the coin, we like to pretend that we remember. Luckily, I’m Shmacked documented the day so we could look back and be proud at the level of drunken debauchery that occurred. 7.) Kony 2012: You are trying to motivate young westerners to get out and change the world, and you pick 4/20 as your date to take action? Most of us were too high to know what was going on, let alone move from our couches to help victims in a third world country. 6.) Hurricane Sandy: The biggest hurricane of the year decided to sweep into our little patch of earth. Students prepared by stocking up on beer and flashlights; the only two staples necessary for a kick-ass party. Everyone else bought food, but if you’re drunk, you will eat anything, including the stale saltine crackers in the very back of the cupboard. 5.) The Texas Game Riots: The streets were on fire with passionate love for the football team, but let’s be honest, this was the beginning of the end of a season that started with such very high hopes. What happened to you, Geno? We…we loved you. 4.) Fall Fest 2012: Wow. What university throws an event that serves beer and hires EDM artists? We were basically encouraged to do hard drugs and party all night long by the very place that our parents pay thousands of dollars a year for us to attend. 3.) Obama’s Victory: Damn, people were pissed about this. But honestly, how many of you actually voted? Torches were lit, militia camps were built, and the anti-Christ was named for the second (third, fourth, fifth) time. But now that Obama is in again, he can change things, right? RIGHT?
If Santa really wanted to make any student at WVU happy, he would bestow large amounts of Natty Light upon them. It seems that everywhere you turn there is at least one can somewhere. If we’re not mistaken, that’s the only alcohol any local gas station sells. Save us a few bucks and leave a year’s supply under all of our trees. Just don’t forget that it’s not the average person’s year supply. Now, we have all seen the I’m Shmacked videos. You were probably wondering who made that fantastic music in the background. That’s our very own Huey Mack. Everyone here would love to have a Huey Mack concert. Who knows, if you make it happen, then maybe he will autograph one of your reindeer. Everyone in the North Pole would be very jealous. Okay, Santa, this is a big one. Could you possibly make our basketball team the miracle team of the NCAA? We all know that this is pretty much our rebuilding year, but we are so used to having a great basketball team. Give Kilicli a chance to do more hook shots or something. We at least want to make it to the Elite Eight this year, but you could go overboard and make us win the whole kit and caboodle. If you did that, we promise that we will be better behaved next year. Cough, not, cough cough. Lastly, Santa, we would love if Sunnyside were no longer owned by WVU. Where will we all go for our sketchy house parties now? Have you ever been to Mutt’s? You would understand our pain if you have ever gone there. Sunnyside has been the beacon of light to partygoers everywhere. Take it back for us, Santa. We beg you. Well, Santa, we hope that you have wisely thought about all the presents on our wish list. These aren’t really wants; they are needs. Please make it happen this year. Love always, Every WVU Student
2.) The Chick-fil-A Scandal: We had a professor on campus that wanted to petition for the closure of the restaurant in The Lair, students who incessantly bitched about capitalism and a resurgence of born again Christians- all due to fast food. ‘Merica. 1.) WVU is named #1 Party School: School wasn’t even n session yet when the news arrived. We assume this is based heavily on the video from I’m Shmacked that went viral. It made us look like we party like the world’s about to end, but it was just another Saturday night.
Lea Ann Butcher wrote this
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From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
How do you carry on your college lifestyle at home? “Well, I really only go home for two or three day stints, max. I’ve lived and worked up here since I came up here. So, it’s more like staying at a hotel for me.” - Tony S.
the Best Ways to Get Arrested During Finals Week tiffany benson wrote this The end of the semester is here. Students will be studying for finals, trying to sell off used books, making plans for travel and packing to go home for break. Everyone wants the fall semester to end and to have bragging rights when their cousins and friends bring up their inferior university’s party stories. One of the ways to gain the upperhand in storytelling is to get arrested. Yeah, you will have wasted part of your break doing jail time, but who cares? It’s college and will be one of those stories you will tell your kids fifty years from now. The antiquated adage “I remember when I was in college-” will turn into “I was so drunk that I-”. Here are some ideas on the best way to get arrested during finals week: Steal the Mountaineer’s musket: WVU is represented by a proud mascot, and he’s there for us even when our team makes flag football seem more entertaining. The sound of the Mountaineer’s musket sends inebriated students and overly-excited moms into a frothing-at-the-mouth frenzy. Can you imagine the power you would hold if you wielded that epic musket? You would essentially control the universe. Not a huge deal. Every touchdown we make proceeds with a loud boom and the crowd goes crazy. Just steal it. Screw humanities; public theft is much more rewarding and will get you on television quicker than that liberal arts degree will. Unless you can quickly obtain an invisibility cloak and apparate to your apartment afterwards, you’re definitely going to be arrested. Torch that nasty couch your mom has been bitching about for three weeks: “It’s too gross, Sam. Is that a beer stain? Wait, don’t tell me. Get rid of it.” Morgantown is known for its couch burnings, anyway, mostly after football games. Don’t be a sissy about it either. If you make it a public event and the cops come, then you decide “You didn’t start the fire,” you become a certified bitch. Drag that old couch out on to your front lawn, douse it in gasoline, light it up and watch it burn. When someone reports you, just laugh at them. You know what you’re doing; just make sure the cops do too.
“Besides the fact of still avoiding doing homework, I use this off-time to relax and catch up on Skyrim.” - Laura M.
Underage drinking or assisting a minor: We didn’t get the title of #1 party school because we follow the rules. We’ve worked (drank) long and hard to earn our title. Think about it, most of our students are only legal their junior and senior years. This means approximately 50% of our student population is drinking illegally. Where do they get that alcohol? It could be you! Do a lonely freshman a favor and buy him a bottle of Burnett’s he can get caught with by ABC at the party you’re hosting. He’ll be crying and saying it’s not his fault because you bought it for him. If you’re underage, make good use of that fake I.D. or that legal friend. Get wasted, go walking down High St., cause some chaos and make sure that Campus PD is close by. Take the handcuffs with pride. Last, but not least, robbing the Sunnyside Dairy Mart: It’s been done before, it can be done again. Multiple times every year, The Dairy Mart in Sunnyside is often jacked by some burnout hoping for some free blunt wraps. Whether it be by gun point, knife point, or just some guy casually walking out with a 12-pack of Natty Light, it happens. I don’t recommend anyone going Jesse James on the place; no one likes to see blood. Just be that idiot who steals Natty Light because according to Huey Mack, that’s all WVU students drink. Of course, we all know you drink Natty at the end of the semester when your funds are depleted from buying all of that fancy Budweiser. Steal the musket, burn a couch, contribute to the deterioration of our youth, or just go rob the Dairy Mart. Don’t harm anyone in these activities, the point is for you to go out with a bang. Just give it the ol’ good college try and don’t be afraid to get into some trouble. All of these are excellent ideas to start your holiday season off with a little criminal cheer. Of course, your grandmother may regret asking you about your semester, and you’ll probably have to sit at the kid’s table during Thanksgiving dinner for the next four years as punishment.
“I catch up with friends, go out and drink, and finish up some homework.” - Elizabeth C.
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are you smarter than? april johnston, journalism professor 1) United States History: Lee Harvey Oswald assassinated President John F. Kennedy from this Dallas location in 1963.
6) Entertainment: Kurt Russell and Nick Nolte -among others -- failed to land a role as this iconic science fiction character.
2) Food: The Trinidad Moruga Scorpion is currently the world’s hottest chili. Chili heat is measured in these units.
7) Literature: This author of the acclaimed novel Infinite Jest is beloved by hipsters and academics alike.
3) Geology: These plates’ edges are found at fault lines around the world. What huge pieces of rock make up the Earth’s crust? 4) Math: Describe the radius, diameter and circumference of a circle. 5) Technology: The daguerreotype was the first commercially successful method of this.
correct answers:
8) World Religion: Medina is the second holiest city in the Islam faith. Which city is considered the holiest? 9) Biology: What is Ribonucleic Acid more commonly known as? 10) Current Events: Name the former Director of the CIA that was forced to resign in light of an extramarital affair.
april’s answers 1) Book Repository 2) ? 3) Tectonic plates 4) Diameter is the measurement across a circle. Circumference is the measurement around the circle.
1) Texas School Book Depository 2) Scoville Units 3) Tectonic plates 4) Radius is from a point on the edge of a circle to its center, diameter is the distance across a circle, and circumference is the distance around a circle. 5) Photography 6) Han Solo 7) David Foster Wallace 8) Mecca 9) RNA 10) General David Petraeus
the classtime
april's score: 7/10 correct
six degrees of separation
4
2 1
Radius is half the circle. 5) ? 6) ? 7) David Foster Wallace 8) Mecca 9) RNA 10) David Petraeus
3
5
Think you know how Lindsay Lohan and Kevin Bacon are connected? Send us your answer at classtime@theblacksheeponline.com for your chance to win a pretty awesome prize!
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The Grid SPECIAL NIGHT
Watch the Game and Win a Trip to Vegas Every Sunday! Check out bentwilleys.com or Facebook for more details.
Friday: “Happy Hour” (5-8pm) $5 Buffet $2 Domestic Drafts $3 Rail $6 Domestic Pitchers
THUR. 12/6
9-11 Beer and Champagne $5 Pizzas & $4.50 L. I. T. Party with DJ Lacy Neff Upstairs 11-cl: $2 Bottles and $3 Call Drinks $1 Flavored Vodka Drinks for Ladies 11-Close
FRI. 12/7
5-8 Happy Hour in the Red Zone: 1/2 Price Apps & 2-4-1 Drinks Willey’s 9-11: $2 Bottles and $3 Call Drinks No cover before 10.
$0.25 Cent Pitchers 9-11 Everyday!
Saturday: 3 A.M. Playing Live!
WED: College Night! 18 to party, 21 to drink $0.25 Drafts $.50 Mixed Drinks $2 Bottles
“Mug Night” $1 32oz Mugs $2.50 Mixed Drinks
$2 Italian Ice Shots $2 Domestic Bottles $2 Mix Drinks $0.25 Cent Pitchers 9-11
Beer & Champagne Special 9pm - 11pm $2 Bottles & Mixed Drinks, $3 Bombs After 11
Ladies Night! FREE Cover for Girls 2 x 1 Mixed Drinks $2 Shot of the Night $1 Drafts
“Happy Hour” (5-8pm) $5 Buffet $2 Domestic Drafts $3 Rail $6 Domestic Pitchers
$0.25 Cent Pitchers 9-11 $3 Mix Drinks $2 Dom Bottles $1 Italian Ice Shots 9-Midnight
$0.25 Cent Pints $2 Mixed Drinks
$3 Night! Applesauce, Grape Bombs, Long Island Iced Tea, Jack Daniels, Jager Bombs and Washington Apples!
SAT. 12/8
After the game, bring your ticket from the Mountaineer/ VT game and trade it for a beer! $1 Drafts and $0.50 Wings
$4 LI Trashcans $3 Rail, Bombs $2 Domestic Drafts
$0.25 Cent Pitchers 9-11 $4 Bombs $3 Mix Drinks $2 Dom Bottles $1 Italian Ice Shots 9-Midnight
3 A.M. Playing Live!
Miami EDM Night! $2 Bottles, $2 Shot of the Night, $3 Liquid Cocaine, Ecstasy Red Bull and Vodkas, Purple Haze
SUN. 12/9
Sunday Football Funday in the Red Zone! Every NFL Game in HD! $5 Pitchers and Homemade BBQ Food Specials
$2 Domestic Drafts and $7 Pitchers After 8pm: $3.75 Jim, Jack, Captain, Absolut, Jameson $1 Drafts, $5 Domestic Pitchers, 35¢ Wings
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MON. 12/10
Monday Night Football in HD! 5 for $10 Buckets of Beer and $0.35 Wings
$1.50 Domestic Drafts 25¢ Wings
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TUES. 12/11
Come Watch WVU vs Duquesne! 5-11: $2 Captain, Jack, Smirnoff, Clique, Bacardi and $1 Miller Pints in the Red Zone
“Taco Tuesday” $1 Tacos $1.50 Domestic Drafts $2 Coronas $2 Margaritas
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WED. 12/12
BOGO! Buy One, Get One Drinks and $5 Nacho Grandes in the Red Zone
“Ladies Night” $3 Jim, Jack, Captain, Absolut, Jameson, $5 Domestic Pitchers $3.50 32oz Steins of Long Islands 25¢ Wings Ladies: $1 Drafts & Mixed Drinks All Night
Wonder Wheel Wednesdays: Let the Wheel Decide! $0.25 Cent Pitchers 9-11
9pm - 11pm: Jack, Jim, Captain, and Absolut Specials $5 Cover
College Night! 18 to party, 21 to drink $0.25 Drafts $.50 Mixed Drinks $2 Bottles
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the madlib So I was just minding my business the night before Christmas Eve, sneaking a ___1___ or five in my parent's ___2___, watching ___3___ for the ___4___ time, my God, it doesn't get old! Anyway, I went upstairs to grab some more ___5___ because hey, I'm starting my diet January 1. And I couldn't believe my eyes. There he was, that ___6___ effing beast of a man, Santa Claus. At first I thought it was all the ___7___ I had consumed clouding my vision, because at this point I've had enough to make a ___8___ ___9___ enough to bang a ___10___. But it got much worse. My ___11___ of a mother was sitting on his lap, wearing only ___12___ and ___13___, with ___14___ wrapped around her. She was feeding him ___15___ and they were watching ___16___. Then he started kissing her ___17___ and I was so stunned I dropped my snack and, suddenly, they turned around. My mother stayed strong. "Oh, hi!" Santa beamed and said "Hello, there! HO HO HO!"
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i saw mommy kissing santa claus
I felt like a pound of ___18___ had just passed through me; my butt tingled and I got nervous. "What‌ where's dad?" Santa quickly answered, "Oh, we shipped him to ___19___ to help make ___20___ for all of my deliveries!" I ran over to Santa and grabbed his ___21___, chugged it, threw the glass against the ___22___ and then ___23___ Santa in the face. His cheeks got rosy, but he did not get mad. "I love your mother, and you're going to have to accept that." Santa then got down on one knee, and fumbled through his pockets to find a ___24___-encrusted ring, the size of a ___25___ and it glistened like it was in a ___26___ commercial. My mom shrieked, cried, and brought his jolly ole' beard in close to give a sloppy ___27___ Well, at least I know I'll always be getting sweet presents for Christmas.
1) Alcoholic beverage 2) room in a house 3) popular christmas movie 4) huge number 5) holiday snack 6) synonym for "fat" 7) beverage from #1 8) large wild animal 9) slang for "drunk" 10) small house pet 11) negative slang for "woman" 12) outdoor clothing 13) type of shoes
14) holiday decoration 15) holiday dessert 16) bad nic cage movie 17) body part 18) dense food 19) foreign country 20) trendy technology item 21) liquor drink 22) piece of furniture 23) type of punch 24) unusual jewel 25) summer fruit 26) high-end brand 27) slang for "kiss"
HOLIDAY ENTERTAINMENT MATRIX blowin’ up Les Miserables WIZ KHALIFA - O.N.I.F.C.
DJANGO UNCHAINED
KESHA - WARRIOR
WII U
Bruno Mars Unorthodox Jukebox
lame
cool Big boi - vicious lies and dangerous rumors
GUARDIANS OF MIDDLE EARTH GUILT TRIP
JaCK REACHER ANGELS AND AIRWAVES STOMPING THE PHANTOM BRAKE PEDAL
under-hyped
HOTLINE MIAMI
the CHRISTMAS MOVIES DRINKING GAME
Home Alone
A Christmas Story
Take a drink any time a scene features hilarious head trauma. Take a drink when anyone says, “Uhh, he should be dead, right?” Take a drink when you notice product placement. Take a drink for “KEVIN!” Take two drinks when someone crashes into the McCallister lawn jockey. Take two drinks for every Old Man Marley sighting. Take two drinks when Kevin talks to himself and/or breaks the fourth wall. Chug your drink during “Carol of the Bells.”
Take a drink for every mention of a Red Rider BB Gun. Take a drink when Ralphie daydreams. Take a drink when Mom serves food. Take a drink when someone says “you’ll shoot your eye out.” Take a drink when Randy whines or cries. Take two drinks when the neighbor’s dogs piss off Mr. Parker. Take two drinks for every Wizard of Oz reference. Chug your drink during the Chinese renditions of “Deck the Halls,” and “Jingle Bells.”
Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer Take a drink when someone says “Rudolph.” Take a drink when Rudolph’s nose lights up. Keep drinking for the duration of Rudolph’s lit nose. Take a drink every time that smug snowman interrupts the story. Take two drinks when a new Christmas character is introduced. Take two drinks at every Abominable Snowman sighting. Take three drinks in honor of the Island of Misfit Toys. Chug your drink when Rudolph flies.
Elf Take a drink when the Naughty or Nice List is referenced. Take a drink when someone mentions Christmas Spirit. Take a drink when Buddy sings. Take a drink when Buddy eats something he is not supposed to. Take a drink when Maple syrup is shown or mentioned. Take a drink when Buddy tells anyone he loves them. Take two drinks when Buddy says “cotton-headed ninny muggins.” Chug your drink when Mr. Narwhal pops up.
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation Take a drink when Clark endangers himself or others in pursuit of the ultimate Christmas. Take a drink when something goes wrong. Take a drink when a calendar door is opened. Take a drink when Clark messes with the neighbors, either by accident or on purpose. Take a drink when any animal or person messes with the Griswold Christmas tree. Take two drinks when Clark is irritated by Cousin Eddie. Take two drinks when Clark’s bonus is referenced in conversation. Finish your drink for every family lesson learned/attempted.
The Muppet Christmas Carol Take a drink when Gonzo and Rizzo get into an argument. Take a drink when a bell rings or a clock tolls. Take a drink for each Muppet you name incorrectly. Take a drink when someone says “humbug,” “Ebenezer,” or “Scrooge.” Take a drink when Michael Caine gets teary-eyed. Take two drinks for each new ghost. Take two drinks when Jacob and Robert Marley laugh at their own jokes. Finish your drink when they sing “The Love We Found.”
Crazy
s ' n o s k c Uncle Ja
! ! ! a z n a n o b t e k s a
b t f i g 0 $2
Hi there, it’s your favorite crazy uncle here, Andrew Jackson! When I’m not busy being the long-dead seventh President of the United States, I’m all about saving college students some money. Why, in my day those crazy college kids, they where the best—they’d rub a piss-soaked sheepskin in a Scotsman’s face and call it a Tuesday! Now, you’re getting ahead of yourself ole’ Andrew, you’re on the $20, and that’s ‘bout all kids got to spend on gifts this holidee season, so what can ya’ll kids get, and for whom?
for the very virginal Wallflower, shy guy, “Hey, isn’t that the guy who had his face mangled by a rabid squirrel?”, whatever he’s called, it’s all shorthand for, “This dude has certainly never felt the carnal pleasures of a woman.” He knows it, you know it, and he knows you know it. This holiday season give him some pep in his step by providing him a gift pack that screams, “Please stop making it difficult to discuss sex in front of you and just go get laid already.”
• 1 Pint of shitty vodka ($4): When he finally gets to pop that cherry, he’s not going to want to remember any of it. • 1 Trojan Pleasures Extended 3-pack ($5): Even Old Faithful blushes when he erupts too early. • 1 Pocket Kama Sutra ($6): Yes, page one has the missionary position on it. • 1 4gb MircoSD Card ($4): He needs to learn from his mistakes, of which there will be many, so he needs something to store the play-by-play data.
for the mother hen Sure, she’s only a sophomore, but before the girls head out she lines them up by height for a quick headcount, lest someone try to escape her Sauronesque glare later in the evening. If a girl talks to a guy for more than fifteen minutes she intervenes, letting him know that “his future rape victim” is taken. She thinks that if one gal deviates from the evening’s plans no one will have any fun, especially her. • 1 Magnacraft 10x25 pair of binoculars ($10): With eagleeye vision, she’ll be able to
protect other groups of girls from any college campus’ number one danger: Having fun. • 1 Leash ($6): Like any bunch of bitches, these girls need to be kept close. • 1 Whistle bracelet ($2): As the sex referee, she needs to decide if Trina needs to spend two minutes in the penalty box for letting Mark spend a few minutes in her love box. • 1 Appointment book ($2): If Kathy isn’t outside of the club by 11:20 so we can hit the club next door by 11:30, she’s totally out of the group… which is exactly what Kathy wants.
for the Brokest of Bros He’d be the life of the party if he could ever afford to attend one. Instead, when he does scrape a few bucks together he nabs a handle of the cheapest vodka he can find and watches his one DVD, a stolen copy of Pocahontas, by himself. Hobos are giving this dude change. • 1 Maruchan Top Ramen Chicken 6-pack ($1.50): He may say he’s so thin because it makes the ladies love him, but you see the way he eyes your nuggets like a feral dog. Dude’s starving. • 1 12oz bottle of Sriracha sauce ($3): Everything he eats
may taste like shit, but there are ways to mask gross flavors, ask any sorostitute who’s used flavored condoms. • 2 Months of NetFlix streaming ($9): The first month may be free, but the second month, in the lonely, cold dregs of February, will allow him to cozy up to the warmth of Ron Swanson’s fiery moustache. • 1 Charmin Ultra Soft 4-pack ($6): Crap goes in, crap comes out, angrily. Might as well have the fluffiest bouncers imaginable guarding the exit, making sure everyone leaves in an orderly fashion.
for the rowdy roommate The first time Kevin punched a hole in the wall was funny. The second time it was irritating. When he lit the carpet on fire and then peed it out, you finally lost it. Maybe you haven’t spoke to him since September, but a holiday gift basket would be the backhanded holiday season gesture to rekindle that fire. No, not the one on the carpet. • 1 Dap spackling kit, 1/2 pint ($6): Nothing quite says, “I love you, but I also secretly hate you, so you better fix
this shit immediately” like spackle for the holidays. • 1 Great Neck 1-inch putty knife ($6): The edges aren’t sharp, so he won’t be able to stab you, accidentally or not. • 1 Woolite Pet Stain & Odor Remover 22oz bottle ($4): It uses the spray and cleans the carpet, or its remains end up in a tar pit. • 1 Korky Plunger ($4): Finally, no excuse for him to say, “Dude, you’ll have to shit outside, sorry, I clogged the toilet yacking this morning.”
for the super study buddy If she wouldn’t have lent you her notes for every exam, quiz, paper, recitation, essay, response, presentation, lab, practical and speech that evil teacher in your should-be-easy elective assigned, you’d be jerking off lion tamers in tht circus for spare coins right now. You may not like her, but you need her. How does one say, “Same time next semester?” without coming off like a selfish prick? • 1 Starbucks gift card ($5): She’ll need a latte to stay up late if she’s going to finish that chemistry lab write-up for you
by morning. • 1 Study Smart, Study Less: Earn Higher Grades and Better Test Scores ($8): If Rachel doesn’t study harder, how are you going to stay in school AND go out every Wednesday night? • 1 Post-it tags ($4): She needs to bookmark the important pages, so you can know which pages are important. • 1 Funky Star sticker roll ($3): Don’t give these to the study buddy all at once. Keep them, and use them as a motivational tool, putting one (with a clever message) on each pack of notes you return to her.
for the hometown homeboy Mary’s nice. She’s funny, she’s smart, she does well with men, hell, she even called you on your birthday -- an actual phone call! Still, she chose to live with her parents and attend community college, and you want to make sure he knows what you think of her poor life choices. Sadly, those pictures of a football player sucking on ya titties make you look fat, so something else will have to do. • 1 Soda Can Stash ($8): No matter the vice, a parent will find it. Unless, of course, it’s hidden in a fake soda can. • 4 Random shirts from the local
Goodwill ($4): When she’s forced to unironically sport a “Beaumont Football, 2A State Champions Class of 1989” t-shirt as her local sport high water mark, she’ll feel the pangs of sadness not rooting for big-conference sports brings. • 1 Cigarette Hitter Rod ($5): When she takes a job on the third shift at the local taco shell plant she’ll need to mask her bad habit with another legal, deadlier one. • 1 Community college bumper sticker ($3): When she realizes she’s too embarrassed to pop this on her Ford Focus, she’ll have to reevaluate her life decisions. Score, social strata superiority.
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real talk with mizz kuh: your love life in 2013 Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 20) Everything happens for a reason. Remember how upset you were about that required class you had to take at 8a.m.? Well say hello an afternoon delight-worthy Gemini who suddenly makes seeing the sunrise a beautiful thing. Bonus: Free rides home on Tuesdays and Thursdays! But be careful, because you still have to wake up stupid early to go to the damn thing. Taurus (April 21 - May 21) Bad things come to those who wait. The cafeteria cutie smiles at you when you order extra cheese on Taco Tuesdays, but it only leads to being hella gassy later. When new employees roll in come late February, you’re suddenly more interested in Sundae Sundays. Bonus: Your calcium intake won’t change at all! But be careful, because ice cream when you’re hungover is a terrible idea. Gemini (May 22 - June 21) Idle hands are the Devil’s playground, and we all know how much you love spending time with that asshole. If you ever opened your fluttery eyes, you’d notice how many people don’t hang out in playgrounds. Try opening a book in February, even if it’s only your MacBook in a very public coffee shop. Bonus: You may just find the thick-rimmed-glasses hottie you’ve always wanted! But be careful, because coffee will stain your pretty white teeth.
Cancer (June 22 - July 22) If you give an inch, they take a mile. Sure, you just really want to make out with the hottie down the hall, but that doesn’t mean they should drink your handle dry. For God sakes grow some balls, stop supplying booze for the mooch (a, what, psycho Aries?) and start seeing your real friends again. Bonus: More money in your pocket and less pathetic phone calls to the parents! But be careful, because hottie down the hall still has your sweet bong, better get that back, chief.
Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) A picture is worth a thousand words, which explains why you do more staring at hotties than actual interaction with them. We know it’s scary to get rejected, but it’s scary sitting alone with a bottle of wine every night, too. Rekindle with an alwayshad-a-crush-on friend around the holidays, because a New Year’s kiss will start 2013 out just right. Bonus: You’ll have a drinking buddy! But be careful, because sloptastic kisses don’t leave good impressions.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) The meek might inherit the Earth, but you will rule the shit out of it until then. Roaring your way into every bar in town is fulfilling, but it’s a bit overwhelming at times because drunks just can’t help but drool over you. Grace one person’s presence and stick with them around the holidays. Bonus: Someone to get freak-ay with all the time! But be careful, because you might just get bored by next weekend’s bedtime.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21) They say you should do one thing every day that scares you, and you can only take that one way. You’d rather find an interesting place on campus to get a little sexy with than just about anything else. Look out for a cutie towards the beginning of spring, an empty dressing room, and then a place with cheap beer. Bonus: You’ll finally start accomplishing that bucket list! But be careful, because you don’t want to get banned from your favorite clothing store.
Virgo (August 23 - Sept. 22) Drunk words are sober thoughts and by God you need to shut your Twitter. Have you even seen your drunken tweets? Circa Saturday at 3:23 a.m.? “once you go black you gettt shots and joints heyyyyyyyyyy.” While Twitter has a delete function, your ethnic friends’ memories do not, you racist. Bonus: Never hurts to date a stoner! But be careful, because you’re suddenly listening to way more Sublime than you ever thought.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. So you got your heart broken right as the school year started, and it’s been a tough time gettin’ back on your feet. Keep your eye out around the holiday’s for a particularly caring cutie who will appreciate your newfound strength. Bonus: This may just be the person who loves egg nog as much as you do. But be careful, because rushing into anything too quick will make you queasy.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. The problem is, you could give a fuck. It’s good to speak your mind but, just like Instagram, a good filter can really work wonders. Find a kind Pisces (who you’ll want to use that filter around) and a place to talk less, like the movies. Bonus: We heard Lincoln was awesome! But be careful, because shedding a tear on the first date might be a little too emotional. Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) You’re only as good as the company you keep, and you’ve been doing some appropriate cleaning up. Great job, but now you have to find new peeps who won’t screw you over. We’ve got a feeling a co-worker around springtime will be just the person to get you back on your feet. Bonus: Spring cleaning means you’ll finally get those pipes cleaned out! But be careful, because relationship drama at work is only fun for about three hours. Pisces (Feb. 20 - Mar. 20) If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it’s yours. Just like when you lent your favorite lighter to the cute Cancer you met at the bar, you know that if everything really does happen for a reason, you’ll see them again and get that Bic back. Stop daydreaming for one minute, think about the people that really matter, and go get ‘em. Bonus: Maybe losing your lighter will finally cut your smoking habit! But be careful, because getting into a habit of bumming cigs is just rude.
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