The Black Sheep • a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 2, Issue 6 • 3/14/13 - 3/20/13
co rn Free ed ... be lik ef e t yo he u at han e f df or ul br of ea kf as t.
theblacksheeponline.com @BlackSheepWVU
the university bends you over tiffany benson wrote this
College is expensive. Just tuition itself is enough to put anyone in debt years after they graduate, and West Virginia University isn’t always helpful with saving students money. Students have to pay library fees whether or not they use the library. Hell, we have to pay for an alcohol education class even if we don’t drink (insert hernia-inducing laughter here). For WVU, “tuition” is not just the cost of a class, it’s the many fees that benefit the university, not the individual student. I’m an in-state journalism major. I had a couple of scholarships my freshman year, but that’s it. My parents can’t afford to pay any of my tuition so everything is paid with very little financial aid, school loans, and private loans. These are fees from my student account that the school has charged in my three years here, not including each semester’s tuition, rent, and food: Special Fees for Undergrad Residents - $1,128.00, General University Fees - $1,178.00, Main Library Fee - $230.00, Information Technology Fee - $160.00, Journalism Tuition - $400.00, Alcohol Education Class - $50.00, STC Miscellaneous Fees - $20.00. Tell me what business gets away with charging “general” and “miscellaneous” fees? Oh that’s right, none, because no one would spend money on “random shit.” Books are essential to most classes as professors always wizard up at least one assignment where students have to own the book. A lot of campus bookstores’ books are brand new, and in turn overpriced. A political science book, The Logic of American Politics, 5th Edition by: Samuel Kernell, Gary C. Jacobson and Thad Kousser, from the university bookstore costs $140.00. Figure it’s used in a 200 person class, and that’s $28,000 in book revenue for one class. On top of the lab and other fees, most classes require extras like computer programs, external hard drives, headphones, aprons, protractors, calculators, and much more. I have a class that requires me to purchase non-earbud head phones, which are $30, and an external hard drive which is $80. The graphing calculators required for many math classes cost anywhere from $80 - $180. Then there’s standard class fare like iclickers, Scantrons, and special notebooks. Almost every class that takes exams requires either a Blue Book or Scantron at .75 cents each. Do the math. Say the average student has five classes a semester, at least ten classes a year, eight of those tenrequire a Blue Book or Scantron every exam and the average class has four exams a semester. That’s $12 a semester, $24 a year, and $96 for all four years, assuming you’re one of the blessed few that graduate on time. Iclickers are another expense. You can purchase one for $60 or rent for $30. Here’s the rub: after one rents it more than three times he’s already paid more than it costs to buy it.
The 5 types of annoying women at WVU
Classes aren’t the only way the university rings out your wallet. If you live on Evansdale, South Park, or anywhere else that’s not Downtown, you’re stuck with limited transportation, and parking isn’t easy. Options are limited to a parking lot, back street, or the Mountainlair. The parking lots cost 50 cents an hour, but you can only park for two hours. For the long-term parker The Lair is a better option. This is, of course, a trap. In The Lair it’s $1.25 an hour to park for however many hours. If you have class all day from 8 a.m. to 2 p.m. it will cost you $7.50 every time. Say that’s only on Tuesday and Thursday, that’s going to be $15 a week, $60 a month, $720 a year. There are 240 spaces in the temporary parking. Parking is free on weekends, so let’s say the parking lot is at 40% capacity year-round. Even then, the Mountainlair Parking Lot is bringing in $1.9 million in revenue every year. That’s a lot of shots at Bent’s. Students end up paying around $15,000 a year, $60,000 just to the
what'’s inside
When Your Poop Turns Green: A St. Patrick’s Day Epilogue
We love women, just not these women.
A St. Patrick’s tradition longer than awful food and religious riots.
page 4
page 8
University of West Virginia over a four-year college career. This amount does not include extra expenses students have, like food or rent. The average starting salary for a WVU graduate is about $40,000. For any WVU student that took out loans to pay for four years at WVU, you’ll be paying off a subsidized loan with an average interest rate of 6.8% and a monthly payment of $360 long into the birth of child number six. The recommended amount to pay back a loan is using 10% of your income. So for every year you attend college, you could be paying it back for ten. For the class of 2014, some students will be 60 and ready to retire before their loans are paid off. By then we’ll be fleshy slaves of robot masters intent on breaking our spirits and mutilating our bodies to further their galactic dominance, and a communications degree will be even more useless than it is now.
Bartender of the week Rob from Fat Daddy’s would love to play beer pong with R. Kelly.
page 9
page two campus manager Maddi Blankenship
owner Atish Doshi
Advertising Managers Alison Burns, Elizabeth Sokolosky Emily Zapach
Founders Jacob Lash, Alison Burns, Elizabeth Sokolosky
Writers Allyson Parrish, Tiffany Benson photographer Arthur Hartman distribution manager Danielle Dorris social media manager Michael Mozer promotions manager Morgan Farr
campus director Brendan Bonham
Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com Hate Us? lame@theblacksheeponline.com
Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com
Meet The Staff
(Want to become famous next week?)
Pic of the Week!
Ladies, that’s the wrong kind of floss!
FRIDAY AND SATURDAY “CANDIFLYP” LIVE ON STAGE 2-4-1 DRINKS!
NOW SERVING FOOD!
BOOK YOUR PRIVATE PARTIES NOW! 304-685-9163 345 HIGH ST. | MORGANTOWN, WV
JOE.MAMASMOTOWN
@JOEMAMASMOTOWN
page 3
the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
How to Make your Super Lame Spring Break Sound Totally Awesome tbs staff wrote this It’s that time of year again. The temperature is above freezing and the snow is starting to melt. Over the sound of construction starting up again, you can hear the faint sound of birds chirping. That’s right. It’s almost springtime. And what does that mean? Yes, a shit load of midterms, but it’s also the time that most students have been counting down to since the semester started in January. What is this magical time? That’s right: spring break! The time when it’s okay to go out every night of the week, get wasted, and have sex with whoever the hell makes eye contact with you. The only problem is you’re going back home… NOT to some tropical paradise with all your friends. But worry not! With these simple tips, you can turn your boring, homebody spring break into the story of the century. You watched TV all week: This is not something you want to tell your roommate in the midst of his gloating about that “totally hot babe” who “wanted the D” yet failed to get her number or even her first name (though he distinctly remembered that she was a Kappa Kappa Gamma). When he finally stops to scoff and ask what possible fun you could have had, you break into a story about how you went on so many different adventures with all your new (cooler) friends. When your roommate skeptically asks about these adventures, you’re prepared with your own multi-colored alibi as well. If you watched rom-coms, you found true love in a quaint little town next to your family’s spring break lake house, but the socioeconomic and geographic barriers were just too much. If you watched action movies, you almost died… hard… about four times (too many). And if you watched Jersey Shore or any dysfunctional reality show, you can vividly recount the many times you threw up. Your parents were gone so you slept in their bed: You can sum up this scenario with one statement: “Dude, I partied so hard I never even woke up in my own bed.” And if you want to make sure your friends don’t ask questions, just add an “if you know what I mean” at the end. Even if they don’t know what you mean, they’ll act like they know what you mean so they won’t get laughed at for not knowing what you mean…if you know what we mean.
You had to pick your mom up at the bar at 5 in the morning: This situation is tricky. You start the story with, “Yeah man, I was at the bar at the crack of dawn.” You must be careful not to say “still at the bar” or “until the crack of dawn” because then you’d be downright lying, and we don’t advocate (downright) lying here at The Black Sheep. If you’re lucky, this carefully thought-out statement will end the conversation with a chorus of “duuuuuuude” and high-fives from your bros. If you’re not lucky and your friends ask questions, you will have to go with the foolproof yet horrifying, “I picked up a woman.” This seems harmless enough until you realize that you’re using your mom as a fake hook-up. However, desperate times call for desperate measures, so just go wash your mouth out with soap, drink your weight in vodka, and never look at your mom again. It was a necessary evil. So there you have it. With a touch of Don Quixote-like deception, a dash of cunning, and a hint of prayer, your lame spring break has turned into a story told in hushed voices in the back of the bus for years to come.
now hiring!
Why wouldn't you want to work somewhere with unlimited koozies and a "pants are optional" policy?
Marketing, Promotions, Editorial, Writing, Groupies, & More!
apply online at theblacksheeponline.com
page 04
The
Top 10
theblacksheeponline.com
Ways Not to Get Kidnapped in Mexico, Vaguely Racist Edition
Mexico is a top spring break destination, but it’s also pretty dangerous and full of poisoned tacos. Here are ten ways to stay safe and avoid being kidnapped by the Mexican cartel. 10.) Speak “Their” Language: This isn’t Europe, so it’s not a guarantee that everyone speaks English. Babbling vague references remembered from high school will be as annoying to them as it is difficult for you, so it’s best to keep the cash—the real universal language—flowing. 9.) Don’t Drink the Water: Mexican faucets emit a substance equivalent to processed gasoline and should be avoided at all costs. Alcohol is going to be the safest liquid to put in your body. Stick with a personal alcohol bottle for the day, something that comes sealed. Each new drink is another risk, so simply keep it away from sleeping drugs that kidnappers may slip in. 8.) Avoid Taxis: Down there, it’s not like New York where anyone can hail one from the street. Random taxis are, more often than not, kidnap wagons waiting for tourists. If you need a cab, call one ahead of time and make sure the driver is able to prove his licensing and identity multiple times over. If he doesn’t have an embarrassing social networking presence, he likely didn’t give you his real name.
The 5 Types of Annoying Women at WVU Allyson Parrish wrote this Girls, they can be annoying as fuck. Single guys find them too annoying to actually date, while guys in relationships find girlfriends annoying, but refuse to leave them. Hell, even girls find other girls annoying; but why? The majority of the female population is broken down into 5 types. These 5 types just so happen to be the most annoying people on earth, and they can all be found at WVU. Where, you may ask? Well, The Black Sheep is here to tell you. The Valley Girl: The WVU valley girl is the one that sits behind you in math class practically screaming about all that drama that went down at Bent’s last night. Like OMG, right?! She always has to be in a pack; they flock together to the Mountainlair, their drawn-out words and extreme use of the word “like” ringing in the distance for all to hear like a mighty war cry. Many people take cover so the Valley Girl’s inability to effectively form a sentence won’t frustrate them. When you see her downtown, you know she’s extremely wasted and going home with some loser asshole who knows she’s only good enough for a one-night stand. The “Boy”: She only hangs out with the bros. You can overhear this one say, “Well, all my friends are guys because girls have too much drama.” She plays sports like the guys, she drinks like the guys, she burps and farts like the guys. Sometimes the guys even wonder if she really is a guy. At WVU you can spot this specimen sporting blue and gold every day, and stomping her way up the Life Science Stairs (because the elevator is for pussies). You see her at the rec center every day lifting weights with the guys or playing some basketball, the only reason she wouldn’t be working out is if WVU had a football or basketball game that day. On that rueful day you see her screaming profanities at the ref when he makes a shit call. She’s the only female majoring in sports management, and she likes it that way. The Princess: The diva, the spoiled brat, whatever you want to call her; you know who she is when you
see her. She’s the one that thinks it’s a smart idea to wear six-inch heels on a campus that’s one giant hill. She looks like she just stepped out of a high fashion magazine. In Morgantown, you see her driving her Mercedes, her nose in the air, saying things like, “Why am I in this white trash state?” She likes to think that her parents made her come to WVU to see how the poor people live. She’s majoring in something easy like communications because she won’t actually have to get a job out of college. The Extreme Feminist: This is the one you see screaming, “Women wear pants too!” She is the one who hears a hilarious “women in the kitchen” joke and goes on a 30-minute rant about women’s equality. You can hear her say things like, “I’m never getting married or having kids because that’s just another way that men own women;” she’s definitely not the usual West Virginia-welfare type. She’s the Westboro Baptist Church or PETA of female rights. Any chance she gets, she will tell you how women rose from the ashes to get where they are today. In Morgantown, you see females like this majoring in women’s studies and being damn proud about it. She wants to be The Mountaineer because it’s sexist for only males to do it. The Hermione Granger: At WVU, she is one of the few females in the engineering department. This female is the one that corrects your grammar on Facebook or Twitter, doesn’t understand sarcasm or stupid people, and acts like she’s better than everyone else because she answers questions in class. Her constant need to fact-correct and grammar-correct everyone leaves her friendless and awkward. She’s sitting by herself for a reason; don’t feel sorry for her. Just remember, it takes all kinds of people to make the world go ‘round. No matter how annoying they are, they are still needed; no one knows what for yet, but science is getting pretty good, so maybe one day they will have a purpose. Maybe one day.
7.) Don’t Be a Whore: Find a reliable hookup buddy right off the bat and spend the sweaty nights in each other’s arms. It will be tempting to venture out and spread one’s seed across the globe, but with the cartels offering most of the work for Mexico’s population, each new notch you add to your belt increases the likelihood of hooking up with some dangerous person’s daughter. 6.) Soak in the Sun: Crowds are your friend. Sure, the cartel can easily haul you out kicking and screaming, but it’s bad form and lacks a certain professionalism they hold themselves to. They’ll stick to grabbing hung-over co-eds where no one can see or hear them. 5.) Don’t Call the Police: They were bought by the cartels long ago. Informing the Federales of any illicit activity is the equivalent of asking the head editor of The Black Sheep to release my brother. He just doesn’t care. 4.) Accents: They know Americans travel in order to spend money. Fake whatever accent you can to throw off the scent. Europeans spend enough money to send an entire continent towards economic collapse, but a young uncultured American screams “Take!” to them. 3.) Tweet Everything: Begin documenting immediately after crossing the border. The whole point of the few hundred-dollar dip in savings was to build memories that your mid-life crisis self can look back on. Besides, the cartel has been doing this long enough to know not to grab the person who will live tweet their kidnapping for the first frantic seconds. 2.) Keep Your Head Down: This one is quite literal. There are freaky amounts of beheadings there. So many that if someone Googles “beheadings,” Mexico is the second or third search result. Watch out for chainsaws and anyone who looks like Benicio Del Toro. 1.) Vocalize: Despite fantasies, we don’t have Jason Bourne-level reflexes. If the cartel is coming close, they know this game a little better than you. Sacrifice pride and scream like a bitch. Throw your wallet at them, drop your pants and urinate everywhere. They won’t be scared of you, but there’s no way they’d let a psycho like you into their car. Nobody would even pay the ransom for you.
tbs staff wrote this
[PartyPics]
From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What's your favorite beer? “Budweiser is definitely my favorite.” - Jack B.
“Guinness, I got to drink it in Italy.” - Jamie S.
“Root beer, I hate regular beer. ” - Sara B.
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)
BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS WANT MORE Download our Mobile App! DOWNLOAD FOR iPHONE DOWNLOAD FOR ANDROID
The Grid SPECIAL NIGHT
Sunday! 4-7 Irish Food Buffet Open at 1pm, $0.50 Wings, $1 Green Beer, $2 Jameson, $3 Pints of Guinness and $4 Car Bombs
St. Patty’s Day Weekend at Fat Daddy’s! **All Weekend Specials** $4 Irish Car Bombs $3 Jameson, $3 Trashcans
FRIDAY and SATURDAY! “Candiflyp” Live on Stage Now Serving Food!
Everyday Specials! $2 Cans, $2 Shot Special $2.50 Bud Light Bottles $3 Rail Drinks $5 Glass of House Wine
THUR. 3/14
BRING IT ON THURSDAY! 10-12: Jack, Captain, Smirnoff, Bacardi and Miller Lite 12-cl: $3 Jack, Captain, Smirnoff, Bacardi and $2 Bottles
“Live Music Thursdays” $2 Bud Light Mug Night $3 Quesadillas Buy One Get One Shots
Beer & Champagne Special 9pm - 11pm $2 Bottles & Mixed Drinks, $3 Bombs After 11
$1 Vodka Drinks $1 Drafts
FRI. 3/15
Happy Hour 5-8pm: 2 for 1 everything Food buffet! Featuring wings, pizza, pasta, meatballs, corndogs and more!
$5 Happy Hour Buffet (5 - 8pm) $2 Domestic Drafts, $3 Mixed Drinks, $6 Domestic Pitchers Team Trivia @ 8pm $4 Irish Car Bombs $3 Jameson, $3 Trashcans
“Candiflyp” Live on Stage $0.25 Cent Pints $2 Mixed Drinks
Ladies Night! $5 Select Martinis $1 Rail for Ladies after 9pm
SAT. 3/16
Open at 1pm! $0.50 Wings, $1 Green Beer, $2 Jameson, $3 Pints of Guinness and $4 Car Bombs Pittsburgh’s DJ Petey C Live! UFC 158 in the Red Zone Win Tix to UFC 159
Pancakes, Pints & Pandemonium! 7-10am: Free Irish Breakfast Buffet, 17¢ Green Beer, $5 Bottomless Mimosas 10am-Midnight: $2 Domestic Drafts, $3 Shots Ladies Night 9 - Close: $1 Mixed Drinks
“Candiflyp” Live on Stage 2-4-1 Drinks
Happy Hour 4-8pm $3 Jameson $5 Select Martinis
SUN. 3/17
4-7 Irish Food Buffet Open at 1pm! $0.50 Wings, $1 Green Beer, $2 Jameson, $3 Pints of Guinness and $4 Car Bombs
$2 Domestic Drafts $6 Domestic Pitchers $3.50 Jack, Jameson, Captain, Honey, & Fireball $4 Irish Car Bombs $3 Jameson, $3 Trashcans
$2 28oz Drafts and 25¢ Wings
Closed. But we will be open on St. Patty’s Day!
MON. 3/18
Bucket Night 5 for $10 Domestic Buckets and .35 Wings
25¢ Boneless Wings 35¢ Wings $1.50 Domestic Drafts
Closed
Closed. Follow us on Twitter at https://twitter.com/ RockTopNights
TUES. 3/19
Bud Light Fight Night! Watch the Ultimate Fighter and Enter to Win Tix to UFC 159 $2 Bud/Bud Light Bottles, $5 Bud/ Bud Light Pitchers and $3 Knockout Punch
“Tequila Tuesdays” $1 Tacos, $2 Coronas $2 Margaritas $6 Margarita Pitchers $2 Tequila Shots (All Night)
Closed
http://www.facebook. com/RocktopNights
WED. 3/20
BPM Night;18 to party, 21 to drink; Doors open at 11pm; $2 Beer and $2 Mixed Drinks; DJ Dylan Lopez and DJ Affy playing the hottest EDM hits!
“BAR BINGO” @ 9pm $2.50 Jager Bombers (All Night), $6 Domestic Pitchers
9pm - 11pm: Jack, Jim, Captain, and Absolut Specials $5 Cover
Everyday $2 Cans, $2 Shot Special $2.50 Bud Light Bottles $3 Rail Drinks $5 Glass of House Wine
Doors Open at 7am!
play st. patty's day bingo! Nudity
Green Beer
Someone Crying
A Paddy Wagon
Drunk Old Man
Someone Asleep
Striped Socks
A Cop
A Beer bong
Greenman
Green Eggs or ham
A Fight
Leprechaun Hat
A Wipeout
Dropkick Murphys Shirt
This Sign
A Makeout
Outdoor Peeing
A Bags Game
Puke
A Drinking ticket
A Drunk asian
Marijuana paraphernalia
Indoor Sunglasses
page 08
theblacksheeponline.com
When Your Poop Turns Green: A St. Patrick’s Day Epilogue tbs staff wrote this As always, you rocked the pants off St. Patrick’s Day. Not to mention the pants of of the horny leprechaun you picked up somewhere between barfing up a green, jizzum-like shot of some sort of alcohol and stealing a Mountain Line bus stop sign. However, like any fervent and painful story of epic liver-damaging proportions, there’s always an aftermath, and, if it’s anything like the post-St. Patrick’s-Day-wrath served up by all those years before you were a super senior, a whole lotta shit will be involved in your St. Patty’s Day epilogue. While there’s presumably nothing wrong with letting out a solid fart next to your hook-up from the night before, this can become a most dangerous game. The possibility of sharting out a runny, emerald blumpkin presents itself with linearly increasing probability relative to the number of green beers consumed the night before. Everyone is well aware that if you don’t consume ten ounces of liquid green-gold for every time you see the words “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” adorned across some butterface’s breasts, you’re cursing the grave of St. Patrick himself. So, like the innovative conquistador you are, you sleuth your hungover self to the ass gasket before some snarky poo goblins waddle out your unprepared cornhole. Having successfully avoided the beginnings of an unintentional hot carl on the solid five lying to your left, you reach the toilet. Since your supple buttocks are already bare from the sloppy trip to pound town you took after that little charmer in your bed drunkenly asked you if you’d like to see her three leaf clover, you don’t have to factor in the ever-variable pant-dropping time. With the glory of a thousand demon penises up your archenemy’s nose, you experience a poo-phoria so sweet it can only be described as the assquake of the ages. You look down to see the longest, greenest chi-chi gong anyone has ever created. Pleased with yourself, you prepare to return to your sex cave as you feel another emerald storm a-brewin’ in your underbelly. All things considered, you decide to leave your agape anus hovering over the community pool. Without warning, a wild poop soup of mossy green stool projectiles out your bum hole with the fiery burn of the worst ass-piss known to mankind. As you examine what lies beneath you, you try to diagnose what variety of green-dyed Dub and liquor could have lead to this distinct breed of black-green that permeates your poo stew. Your heart runs wild with conflicting emotions, unsure of whether to be ashamed of the concoction you’ve avalanched out of your rectum, or to be proud that, as a result of binge drinking, you have finally produced the most naturally beautiful thing you will ever craft.
You’ve been in the bathroom for a solid half-hour now, and that St. Patty sex partner has long gone, but it’s all moot, as you can sense round three lurking. So, like a good American, you keep your butt cheeks affixed to an already traumatized toilet seat. As a result of rushing to the water closet faster than you can say “asparagus loaf,” you forgot your essential pooping partner: your iPhone. You feel even colder and more alone, as you’re unable to ask Siri important, existential questions including “Oh, God, when will it end?” and instead have to resort to reading the shampoo label you’ve nearly memorized. While pistachio colored diarrhea continues to surge through your body for the next few days, you realize it’s merely the darkest before the dawn. And while you may be entirely foggy on the details, you take your days worth of green dumps as a sign of St. Patty’s Day success. Savor the feeling, the whole process only gets worse with age.
ST. PATTY’S DAY WEEKEND
AT FAT DADDY’S! $4 IRISH CAR BOMBS, $3 JAMESON , $3 TRASHCANS
ALL WEEKEND!
Saturday: Doors Open at 7am!
PANCAKES, PINTS & PANDEMONIUM!
7am-10am: FREE IRISH BREAKFAST BUFFET, 17¢ GREEN BEER, $5 BOTTOMLESS MIMOSAS
10am-MIDNIGHT: $2 DOMESTIC DRAFTS, $3 SHOTS
SATURDAY IS ALSO
LADIES NIGHT! 9 - CLOSE: $1 MIXED DRINKS pm
444B CHESTNUT STREET • MORGANTOWN, WV • FATDADDYSWV.COM
m o c . e n i l n O p e e h S k c a l G GAMES TheB IN K IN R D | ECIALS | BAR SP S E L IC T R A
page 09
the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
bartender of the week Rob H. fat daddy's Where are you from: Flemington, New Jersey How old are you: 23
Craziest story that’s happened while bartending: A guy passed out, and when me and my boss tried to wake him up and take him home, he couldn’t even form words to tell us where he lived.
What’s your major: Advertising Favorite thing about WVU: The people Best thing about working at Fat Daddy’s: The environment How long have you been bartending: 9 months
Favorite singer: R. Kelly When you’re not working, where do you go out: Home. I normally work a lot so I don’t get the chance to go home that often.
Favorite drink: Jack and Coke Favorite drinking game: Beer pong Favorite drink to make: Any mixed drink Favorite day of the week to work: Monday Least favorite thing about bartending: Anxious customers
the drinking game: table horse
Sports are just an excuse to get hammered; you drink before the game and get plowed after to celebrate a win or ease the pain of a loss. March Madness is no different, but instead of just throwing back a few brews, practice your ball handling skills while getting a great pregame buzz.
Favorite drunk food: DP Dough
recipe for disaster: swoll shake
There’s nothing meatheads love more than a protein shake before, during, and after their workouts. It’s important to stick to a strict protein regimen if you need large muscles to compensate for your below-average dick and brain. This Swoll Shake will take care of that for you, so you have more time to focus on your squat form.
What You’ll Need: A plastic cup, a table, a ping pong ball and beer. Number of Players: Between 2 and 4. Level of Intoxication: A legit pregame buzz unless you have no game, then you’ll be wasted.
What You’ll Need: An 8 oz. steak, 4 oz. of salmon, 2 oz. of tuna, 4 oz. of turkey, 4 eggs, 1/2 cup of cottage cheese, ice, half a gallon of milk, 1 cup of peanut butter and a kick-ass blender. Cook Time: 15 minutes. Fatty Factor: No fat, bro. Just muscle.
How To Play: - Set the cup in the middle of the table. - Have a shoot-out to pick the order. - The winner of the shoot-out starts the game by shooting into the cup any way he or she wants. - Be creative with your shots—bounce them in, shoot them behind the back. If the first player misses their shot, they have to take a drink of their beer. - Once a player makes the cup, each player will have to match their shot. - Every player that misses while trying to mimic the shot receives a letter (H-O-RS-E) and will have to chug for ten seconds. - After everyone tries to mimic the shot, the person next in line creates their own shot and play continues. The player that gets HORSE first has to beer bong a beer.
Let’s Get Baked: - Chop up the steak, salmon and turkey into little pieces. - Cook each item separately to the desired level of doneness. - Beat the four eggs and cook them in a pan. - Mix all of the ingredients and then throw them in the blender with the ice. - Blend the items up until the drink is smooth. If the mixture is too thick add extra milk. - Pour you Swoll Shake into your favorite workout bottle and hit the gym.
The Game Ends When: Once a player gets HORSE. Then start it up again!
Don’t be turned off by the smell… or the taste for that matter. Just man up and drink it down.
download our app for all of our drinking games!
Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com
S t. p A T R I C K' S D A Y Brought To You By The Guys Who Made The Hangover And Other Sweet College Partyin’ Movies In case you didn’t know, The Black Sheep dabbles in more than just print and porn. A few weeks back we had the opportunity to meet with a bigwig executive at a movie makin’ company. “This is our big shot,” we thought. We couldn’t blow it; we had to come up with an idea that no one could turn down. And what’s one movie that seems impossible to kill off? Star-studded ensemble holiday movies, of course! So we marched into that executive’s office ready to pitch The Black Sheep Presents: Star-Studded St. Patrick’s Day The Movie. Since this idea was so golden, so perfect, so mouth-wateringly fresh, we brought a taperecorder so that we could send our pitch to other movie companies… just in case this guy was actually stupid enough to pass on the idea. The Black Sheep: Hi Mr. [redacted] nice to meet you! Are you ready to hear our pitch? Executive: I suppose, but let’s make it snappy. I’m eating sushi off of a naked woman in 20 minutes. The Black Sheep: No problemo! Okay, the scene opens on a lush green field on a quiet morning in southern Ireland – yes, Ireland. Then, out of nowhere, a stout little leprechaun -- played by Adam Sandler or Tracy Morgan, because, as an offensive racial stereotype would say, “a leprechaun ain’t black!?” -- runs across the screen with a HUGE bong in his hand. He turns back and yells “You’ll never get me POT of gold!” He’s being chased, but by whom? Drunk guys clad in St. Patrick’s Day gear – Sean William Scott and Ryan Reynolds. Then, freeze frame on Sean and Ryan diving after the leprechaun, (maybe they miss, and accidentally pull down a girl’s shirt instead, and there’s like, these huge tits on this huge screen, except the nipples are green, like St. Patrick’s Day! It doesn’t matter where the girl came from, we’ll figure that out in production. Titles SMASH into the screen, “Star-Studded St. Patrick’s Day, The Movie.” Executive: Okay, I like boobs on the opening scene – always an eyecatcher. Make them golden boobs, for St. Patrick’s Day. Otherwise, I don’t see where this is going, and my naked sushi is waiting. TBS: (flipping through pages and pages of loose paper) Okay, okay… Here! So basically, Ryan O’Toole (Ryan Reynolds) and Brady McDuff (Sean William Scott) are looking for the perfect solution to day drinking without falling asleep. In their search they run into a crazy German coke dealer (Kevin James), an uppity high school Adderall dealer (Andy Milonakis), a Scottish butcher obsessed with
“meaty bits,” that is, if we can get Mike Meyers, who tells them they must travel to Ireland – the land of drinking to find the “Irish Trifecta, the three-leaf clover of drinking.”
TBS: Also, his helicopter will be blasting, “Party All the Time,” like that scene in Apocalypse Now. That’s like, double nostalgia.
Executive: Okay, this is starting to get better, but what’s going to make it stand out from all the other comedy romps out there?
Executive: I GET IT! Uh, okay, wait. When did they find out where the rainbow weed was?
TBS: Well, Ryan and Brady finally find a secret book that spells out the Irish Trifecta – green beer, gold boobs (we winked at the executive upon saying this), and a very special strain of weed found on a marijuana farm that photosynthesizes from refracted light. “A rainbow!” say Brady and Ryan to each other, looking up from the ancient book.
TBS: …They just know… because… Ryan had a dream where he saw Vanilla Ice dressed as a leprechaun show him the field, so he like, knows what it looks like.
Executive: Amazing. TBS: (our voices gathering excitement) So Brady and Ryan have their work cut out for them. The conflict: Where do they find these three things? Well green beer is everywhere, and they start hilariously drinking too much of it – we’re thinking a montage of these two getting super hammered and dancing around Ireland, pulling down girls’ shirts to see if they have “golden boobs” – who wouldn’t watch that? It’s gold. So after that 20-minute montage, we’re thinking they finally realize “boobs” didn’t mean “breasts,” but rather the archaic English meaning of “dolts.” Sean and Ryan look at each other – half naked, covered in Goldschläger sitting in a pool of green beer in Colin Farrell’s Irish castle with 21 bareboobed women – “That’s us!” they say. It’s a revelation! Colin Farrell looks up from a line of coke, “DUH DOY!!!!!” he says! Executive: Ok, I’m putting through word to get this into production right now. Do we have a screenplay? Actually never mind that, we’ve still got the broomstick that fell on a keyboard and wrote Hangover III on retainer from BroBible.com. But, how does it end!? TBS: Okay, so Brady and Ryan now have two parts of the Irish Trifecta – all they need is the pot at the end of the rainbow, but they can only get there via helicopter. Whose helicopter? EDDIE MURPHY’S! He’ll be playing a black Irish millionaire who loves to PARTY! Again, remember, Irishland doesn’t have a whole lot of black people, so him doing that accent will be really funny. Executive: Eddie Murphy’s awful expensive, boys.
Executive: … Works for me! TBS: Okay, so they get in Eddie Murphy’s helicopter and find the rainbow weed, but unfortunately Adam Sandler/Tracy Morgan leprechaun is guarding it. But we know you’re short on time Mr. [redacted], so we’ll get to the end, just to prove we definitely haven’t not thought out the ending. This is where the chase from the beginning happens, and they chase the leprechaun into his layer. And what do they find there? Women, with golden boobs! “There really are golden boobs!” they say! And after talking to the leprechaun (who will say hilarious things like “Kiss me I’m stoned!” and “I’m higher than Tommy Pickles’ dad!” 90’s nostalgia is so “win” with kids these days!) they realize he can’t visit big Irish cities because he’ll get caught and sold as a leprechaun slave like his ancestors. Therefore, he’s been unable to obtain green beer and instead guards the two other constituents of the Irish Trifecta, waiting for the right two people to bring him green beer. But Ryan, Brady, and Eddie don’t have any green beer on them! So the four of them all get super stoned on rainbow weed – cue hilarious stoner montage – when they come up with a great idea: put the sad, dejected leprechaun on stilts and treat him like a human! They head to the nearest city, Dublin, and fuse the Irish Trifecta. A sick golden three-leaf clover rises above the bar and everyone goes crazy, but the leprechaun falls off his stilts… silence, shock, awe (are people going to capture him?)… no! Everyone keeps partying, treating him as an equal, not a novelty. So he buries his face in some golden boobs, and declares that everyone shall day drink without repercussions for all St. Patty’s Days to come! Executive: The end! I love it! and just got word that the broomstick has the first draft done already!
we interview:
Pandora's boxx
We had the opportunity to interview Pandora Boxx (of drag queen lore, not Greek mythology). You probably know her from multiple appearances on Ru Paul’s Drag Race, but she’s involved in a plethora of other projects. Check out PandoraBoxx.com for a peek into her bo… okay that’s enough. By Quinn The Black Sheep: You’re a comedian, entertainer, musician – a Swiss army knife, basically – when did you start being an entertainer, and did drag go hand in hand with that? Pandora Boxx: I think that since I was a kid I’ve always been an actor… but I didn’t really know you could do drag, so when I got older and tried it I thought “oh wow this is actually really fun, and you can kind of just do anything you wanted to do.” And that’s basically how I got started, I never thought of doing it as a career until much later. TBS: So did you treat it as a career while in college, or afterwards? PB: I had been interested in doing that all my life but never on stage. I’m always cracking jokes and telling funny stories, so I was kind of doing it, but not actually calling it stand up. I also hosted drag shows, which are a lot like standup because you have to talk to the audience and interact. But I guess I didn’t realize that was what I was actually doing until I went into stand up comedy. TBS: How did you come to the name Pandora Boxx, besides the ol’ double entendre? PB: When I started I knew I had to pick a name, and I wanted to pick something fun and punny. I was in Greek mythology at the time, and I liked the story of Pandora and thought with a name like that you wouldn’t know what to expect. TBS: You’ve got The Gay (means happy) Show! and two pretty crazy music videos with chart-topping songs. What makes you want to keep branching into new things? PB: Since I was a kid I’ve always wanted to do music – you know, lip synching to Madonna songs in my room. And then I met some people through Drag Race and it started to become a reality. I just wanted to make fun music, because there really aren’t any comedy dance songs. But then you actually [make music videos] and you realize how much work goes into making everything – there’s a lot of money and a lot of time, it’s just this crazy process and I have a new found respect for any artist that does any kind of music or album. TBS: The lack of comedic dance music is definitely a good point. Was your “Nice Car, Sorry About Your Penis,” a bit before it was a song? PB: Actually it wasn’t… I met this girl Shango who did the backup vocals on the song in San Francisco. We started talking about the song idea, that I wanted something Ke$ha-sounding because I think her style would fit mine -- I’m certainly no amazing singer, and I should stick to my realm. So she came back with the song, and we went back and forth in the writing process. I just thought it was funny, and I’ve never heard a song about that, even though it’s a common thing that people talk about. TBS: And then you have the Huffington Post blog -- do you treat it as a personal blog or a platform for a voice for LGBT? PB: Well, I haven’t really been amazing with my Huffington Post blog, because I’m still trying to figure out what I want to do with it. Like, I don’t want it to just be a personal blog, I want it to mean a little more. So I’ve been using it more as a personal story, because I realized on Drag Race when I talked about myself and how I was depressed as a kid and tried to commit suicide, I realized how many people that affected and how many people still talk about it… so hopefully by saying that it can change someone’s life who might also be going through that.
the big three
entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.
Girls Sunday, March 17th at 9pm on HBO
Just when you were really starting to understand the intricacies of Hannah's barely-decipherable mind, Season 2 of Girls is coming to an end. In the season finale, Hannah (Lena Dunham) must write her voice-of-a-generation book in a single day, Marnie (Allison Williams) totally misinterprets her ex-boyfriends intentions (just get naked already), and Ray makes a move to impress quirky Shoshanna (Zosia Mamet). Don't worry, season 3 is already in the works.
Justin Timberlake - The 20/20 Experience out march 19th
TBS: What other projects are you working on now? PB: I’m kind of at a point where I’m trying to figure out what the next thing to do is. Like do I work on another song or anything else. And one thing I’ve learned from Drag Race and being an entertainer full time, is that there’s a lot of stuff that starts but never finishes – because that’s just the nature of the business with working with people and their schedules. But I do have a short film called Ex-Confident that’s coming out, and I’m not sure if what all the screenings will be for it, but we’re going through the film festival process and seeing if they’ll pick it up. And I’m doing a new web-series for Logotv.com called Drag Center, where I recap the episodes of Drag Race. TBS: And finally, what’s your perfect sandwich? PB: Hmm, food sandwich or sexual sandwich? I’ll say sexual sandwich.
After nearly seven years and a few legit acting gigs, Justin Timberlake is back with his third solo album, featuring the so-so single "Suit & Tie." Timberlake said he began working on the album with "no rules or end goal in mind," which sounds like a pretty sweet way to make a record. Try to check him out on tour with Jay-Z this summer, because who ever would've thought a former Mickey Mouse Club member and drug dealer would share a stage.
admission in theaters march 22nd
Tina Fey and Paul Rudd star in this rom-com about Portia Nathan (Fey), a Princeton admissions officer who makes a recruiting visit to an alternative high school overseen by her former college buddy John Pressman (Paul Rudd). Upon visiting the school, Pressman suggests that one of his wacky, gifted students is her son that she gave up via a secret adoption many years ago. Will this deep, dark, quirky secret drive them together? Only time will tell. (Also, yes it will.)
the crossword: Things that are green Across 2) St. Patty’s Day mascot. 5) Spanish for green (salsa). 6) Snooki loves to drink its juice. 8) The winner of this gets a green jacket. 9) No matter how many times you cut it, it always grows back. 12) An edible, mini tree. 14) Guacamole, essentially. 17) Normally paired with spinach and pita bread.
19) A minty McDonald’s shake. 20) Jim Henson’s most famous creation. Down 1) Mad Christmas H8R. 2) She put this in the coconut, and drank them both up. 3) Not to be confused with a crocodile. 4) Ganja, baby. 7) The capital city in the Land of Oz. 10) Luke’s teacher, he was. 11) He can blow a bubble with his bum bum bum. 13) Prickly son of a bitch. 15) They are black, too. 16) Delicious when drizzled with ranch. 18) This city dyes their river green.
D N E K E E W ’S Y T T A P . SPEND ST
S ’ Y E L L I W T N E AT B OTH DAYS!
OPEN AT 1SpOFmGUB INNESS AND $4 CAR BOMBS
$2 JAMESON, $3 PINT , ER BE N EE GR $1 S, NG WI $0.50
SATURDAY NIGHT: Pittsburgh’s DJ Petey C in the club UFC 158 in the red zone - Win tix to UFC 159! SUNDAY 4-7: Irish Food Buffet! WILLEY’S CLUB IS OPEN: 18+ Sunday Night G IN S! R HI ITION and Karaoke in the Red Zone W S VISIT BENTWILLEYS.COM AND FOLLOW US ON TWITTER / LIKE US ON FB FOR MORE SPECIALS AND EVENTS ALL WEEK LONG!
NOLL PO A