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In your hands is the best and largest Adelaide Law School Hilarian edition ever produced and it can lead you into countless worlds of wonder. Step inside the first edition of The Hilarian for 2013 to experience the marvels of Law related satire. In this family-friendly Fringe edition there is something for everyone! Tears, laughter, wit, cynicism, sincerity, frivolity. Everything is here and nothing is sacred. Share a few moments of your time with us and you shall not be disappointed. Yours sincerely, in the reckless pursuit of humour, hilarity and hotdogs, The Hilarian Eds
CONTENTS From the Editors Meet the Editors Letters to the Editors I Know What You Did Last Summer News of the Week 2013 - What lies ahead Fringe Review HOW TO: Survive Your First Year Superheroes in Wigs Meet the AULSS AULSS Reports Poetry Corner Sport. Sport! SPORT! Sue Me
4 5 6 7 8 9 10 12 14 16 17 24 26 27
Editors:
Patrick McCaffrie, Will Maitland and Ally Lontos
Contributors:
Nadia Baldassi-Winderlich, the AULSS, Kate Schinckel
Publisher:
Print Solutions
This publication does not represent the views of the University of Adelaide Law School. This publication is not endorsed by the University of Adelaide Lavw School or the University of Adelaide generally. This is a satirical publication and it is the sole production of the University of Adelaide’s Law Students’ Society. THE HILARIAN
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FROM THE EDITORS
We hope you picked this magazine up with the same excitement as you did the guide to the Fringe Festival before realising that this is in fact not a run-down of Adelaide’s greatest1 tourist-attraction but rather the most exciting thing to happen in Adelaide since… and probably for the rest of the year. Cue the fake excitement.
What if we could tell you that by reading this edition enthusiastically, back to back, and providing at least two courtesy chuckles per page, you could WIN yourself your own best friend? Yes, you read that right. You could win the type of best friend who will always be there for you throughout the year. Who will listen to all your crap and never make a judgement or tell a soul. Who will make you feel better about assignment stress and remind you that you go to Adelaide Law School and are, by default, one of the most incredible social beings around. A friend who will keep you updated with some of the news that you need to know and all the news you don’t and who will generally provide insight and wisdom. A friend who will, above all, always try to make you smile. Sounds pretty incredible, doesn’t it? Well… you don’t even need to win this friend (we just like playing hard to get!) because this magazine wants to be that friend for you. So, as per Year Two social convention formalities, we are now officially best friends. Oh please… try to look a bit more excited than that. Sure, we’re just a little paper law school publication but let’s face it, it’s not like Jane doesn’t bitch about you behind your back or Jack wouldn’t ditch you for his girlfriend any day of the week. You’re really quite lucky to have us. Yes, the year (both academic and calendularic) has begun, which means all law students – be they fresh-faced first years or French-faced international students – have re-engaged with the law degrees that a summer’s worth of alcoholism, drug taking and lascivious sex made most of them forget they were doing.2 And this year, given our personal friendship, we’d like to get to know you a bit more. Which is why we’re going to encourage more interaction within these pages to reflect your law student life (but make it far funnier and more interesting). The editors of the Hilarian would like to encourage any form of contributions to the magazine because we know that our cohort of students have some amazing abilities and a real determination to make their CV’s look as good as possible. So to all budding writers/photographers/reasonable people, please email hilarian.klap@gmail.com or come and speak to an editor (we’re way nicer when we don’t have a magazine to hide behind) with any questions or suggestions. Also, make sure you’ve liked our Facebook page (we have to make our relationship facebook official). With the arrival of a new year of course comes this, the first edition of the Hilarian. In this Fringeinspired issue we introduce a new LSS, keep up with current affairs and tackle the tricky yet ever present issue of refugees. You’ll also find a guide on how to survive your first year of Uni (shout out to the first year readers) and several rather caustic reviews of Fringe shows. Patrick and Will continue as editors for 2013, doing their utmost to form the Hilarian into some semblance of a magazine four times before the end of the year, and they are pleased to welcome Alexandra Lontos to the fray. May she prosper in our midst. And so, as you delve into the wonders held herein, we at the Hilarian would like to welcome all students to the Ligertwood building for another semester. Happy reading and here’s to an incredible year and a brilliant new BFF. Lots of love and law related madness from your Eds. 1 2
Read ‘only’. Incidentally alcoholism, drug taking and lascivious free sex both made it to the Top 5 Habits of Law Students conducted by the Australian Bureau of Statistics for 2011-12.
THE HILARIAN
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The Editors
Will Maitland
Meet the Editors for 2013
As the foreign correspondent, Will has been breaking stories around the clock (that phrase is mostly employed because this writer doesn’t really understand time zones). He will also be filing stories in foreign languages to appeal to our international reader. Will has promised to keep and maintain a puzzles page which will provide readers with a much-needed distraction from preparation for the degree which is to set them up for the rest of their life.
Patrick McCaffrie Patrick may be seen as the petulant, cantankerous granddad of the Hilarian. Having spent over thirty years in the editing game, he certainly knows a thing or two about publishing but favours verbose castigation over constructive criticism. Patrick will introduce a ‘Desperate Dad’ column, offering support to middleaged men in times of crisis and a number of cooking articles providing quick and easy recipes for the lawstudent on the go. Nothing goes with Corporate Law like a good capsicum and mascarpone couscous.Yum!
Alexandra Lontos Alexandra is unable to actually edit The Hilarian this year due to other commitments and has reached an agreement with Hillary Swank that will see the actress and ‘Boys Don’t Cry’ star write a regular ‘Agony-Aunt’ column as well as a gossip column for the magazine which, according to one advance copy seen by this writer, not only defames a number of Torts 2 tutors, but also makes allegations concerning the administration of the Law Library which don’t bear repeating.
Who’s who at the Hilarian
E.L. James E.L. joins the editorial staff this year on a promise to write reams of sexually explicit, amoral and overly descriptive prose. E. L. will write a piece for each issue that she promises will put Mills and Boon to shame. Readers should look out for 50 Shades of Play, in which a group of former Play School hosts engage in depraved sexual acts, 50 Shades of Pray, which will bring a religious aspect to the magazine and 50 Shades of Weigh, a Michelle Bridges-esque look at the typical diet of the law student. E. L. also promises to reveal what those two letters actually stand for. THE HILARIAN
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LETTERS TO THE EDITORS Dear Editors,
Dear Heather,
As a 4th year student I eagerly returned to the Ligertwood building anticipating that the interior designer engaged by the law school would, once again, have “jazzed” up the place. Is the honour board the only improvement? Gemma Holhurst – 3rd year Law/ Arts Dear Gemma, Apparently the carpet on the 3rd floor corridor has been replaced so look out for that. We’ve also heard a juicy little rumour that the door knobs of the doors to every room have been polished Eds.
Thanks for getting in touch about rumours – we love them. While we haven’t heard this particular rumour we are, as with all rumours, happy to confirm it and pass it on to everyone that we meet from now until The Hilarian falls asleep in a horrifically inebriated state one night only to never wake up. Eds.
Dear Editors, The introductory lectures for Law of Torts 1 was fantastic and I cannot wait for the substantive part of the course to begin. Is the experience of this lecture indicative of the rest of this course? Sylvia Grantham – 1st year Law.
Dear Editors,
Dear Sylvia,
Is anyone able to confirm the salacious rumour making its way around the law school that the neon sign which adorns the Law School is to be replaced with a “Massage – open 24 hours” sign which will flash incessantly both day and night? Heather Scramblejam – 2nd year Law/Post-Structuralist-FeministPolitico-Theory. THE HILARIAN
No. Eds. Third year blues getting you down? Want to find out what puts the ‘tute’ in Constitutional Law? Send something in to our Eds who are always happy to have a laugh at your expense. Email: hilarian.klap@gmail.com.
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I know what you did last summer...
Each year the dedicated staff at The Hilarian, be they journalistic, photographic, scholastic, pornographic or ecclesiastic (admittedly there’s a fair bit of cross-over between those last two) enjoy a break over summer. Each year the editors of The Hilarian also invade the privacy of some of their employees by asking them to document precisely what they did with their holidays and whom they did it with…and in some cases to…
Professor Simon Rodney (Lecturer) Unfortunately I got stuck teaching a summer school course for eager law students. The subject, ‘The Law, Glass-Blowers and James Brown’, was unfortunately not particularly popular, nor well thought through…nor taught. For what it’s worth though, I found speaking to an empty lecture theatre in January as rewarding as speaking to an empty lecture theatre at any other point of the year as is the case with my normal lectures. Father Schlinta (Priest) Over summer I was forced to make a difficult decision, which was to resign from my position as a priest. My decision to resign was influenced by the actions of my hero Pope Benedict XVI whose career I continue to find an inspiration. I fully respect his decision to resign; equally I fully respect his decision to quietly ignore the child-abuse scandal that seems to infect many elements of his church. In fact, I’ve done the same thing in my parish. Charles Scranton (Photo-journalist) I found my summer difficult to enjoy as the editors sent me on assignment to Estonia to cover President Toomas Hendrik’s controversial attempt to merge Finland and Latvia for a piece that they later laughingly referred to as ‘a joke’. The only highlight was sitting next to Michael Chiklis on the plane over. At least I think it was Michael Chiklis; I guess it could have been Bruce Willis because the two look similar but I’m fairly sure it was Chiklis. Anyway, it’s great to be back from Estonia and a big screw-you to the Hilarian for sending me to that God-forsaken hellhole as some sort of sick joke. THE HILARIAN
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News of the Week
MAN KILLS SON FOR NOT LIKING HARRY POTTER ENOUGH Will Maitland (with thanks to Kate Schinckel)
A
Southampton man has today been remanded in custody following a trial in which it is alleged he murdered his son for not liking Harry Potter enough. Mr James Haroldson reputedly grew frustrated over the repeated refusal by his son, Ronald Albus Haroldson, to submit to having the trademark lightningshaped scar tattooed onto his forehead. In a fit of anger, Mr Haroldson purportedly beat his son repeatedly with a short blunt baton while screaming ‘Crucio’ at the top of his voice. A neighbour of the family, who has asked to remain unnamed, gave testimony today, stating he overhead the screams and, peering over the fence, saw the accused pick up a besom or ‘witches-broom’ and proceed to chase his son around the garden.
An artist’s impression of Haroldson.
The boy’s mother and sister gave witness accounts earlier in the week in which they provided the Court with an idea of the relationship between Ronald Albus and his father. “Jim would often read the Harry Potter books to Ronald” recounted Mrs Haroldson, “and I think Ronald enjoyed listening to them the first eight or nine times. But one day he got sick of them and asked his father if instead they might read the Narnia series, and all hell broke loose”. Lily, the victim’s older sister, recalls her father verbally abusing both herself and her brother on numerous occasions: “If ever we failed to answer a Harry Potter trivia question correctly at dinner he would yell at us – calling us ‘filthy mudbloods’ and sometimes even ‘a squib’. Once he even sent Ron to bed without dessert for mixing up ‘Sirius’ and ‘Severus’ and it wasn’t uncommon to be made to recite long extracts from his favourite chapters to him while he was in the bath.” Lily then showed the Court her ‘dark-mark’ tattoo, a grotesque image of a snake encircling a skull inscribed in ink upon her left forearm. She confessed that she had not particularly wanted the symbol, but that she had succumbed to her father’s wishes on the condition that she be allowed to read the Twilight series. The accused, Mr Haroldson, refused to offer any testimony in his defence, stating that he would only agree to appear before the full bench of the Wizengamot or ‘Wizarding Court’. The Hilarian tried to reach Mr Haroldson for comment but is unsure whether the postal owl used was aware of what it was required to do. THE HILARIAN
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2013 - What Lies Ahead No one knows exactly what will happen over the course of any particular year. But this year, James Atherton provides a series of predictions which he has assured us are bona fide. Honestly, if they aren’t true we will hurt him. In fact, if these predictions do not turn out to be true please call him on 0392 672 321 and yell abuse at him. Seriously. Do it!
Prediction 1
Prediction 3
I, James Atherton predict that global warming will leave the world so hot that is will overheat the global airconditioner that Al Gore had built to counter the effects of climate change. At this point Africa will become so hot that as a continent its price will drop so low that Britain will quickly pounce on that second-hand sale item and once again proudly put a picture of Mugabe on its bedside table so that it can, as it slips off into slumber, look at that picture, smile, and say to itself: “Yes…you did that”
I, James Atherton predict that Jane Fonda will be announced as the convenor of the Foundations of Law course. As an anti-war activist, and total babe, Fonda is well suited to leading this subject and will bring an exciting new angle to the first year introductory course. Fonda has admitted that lecturing has long been a pipe-dream and while admittedly she may be a little rusty on particular legal concepts, Fonda does have a passion for the law and a passion for…well let’s just say she has passion.
Prediction 2 I, James Atherton predict that Dennis Commetti will be employed to provide the voice recordings for all law lectures from now on. For years students have complained about the timbre of certain lecturer’s voices but for no longer! Commetti’s deep baritone and excitable sultriness is impossible to object to. His explanation of the implied right to freedom of political communication is something to particularly listen out for. What can I say – the man is a performer! THE HILARIAN
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FRINGE REVIEW
Patrick McCaffrie spent hours of his life at Fringe shows. Most of the time he was arguing with a bouncer who refused to believe the “ARTISSTTS’S PAASS” he had mocked up was real. Most of the time the bouncer would win (although Patrick maintains he won at least 2 fights on points) so the best he could do was review these lesser-known Fringe shows… Flayschool
Mein Camp Adolf Hitler’s seminal work (Harper Collins; 5th Edition) is performed by an impressive, if slightly surprising, cast of gay and lesbian actors. A particular highlight is Neil Patrick Harris reading “Chapter 2: Years of Studying and Suffering in Vienna” where he reveals that as a teenager, Adolf suffered humiliating bullying due to his uncontrollable capacity to grow half a proper moustache. The show is a rollicking success apart from Ringo Starr’s inexplicable appearance as the reader of “Chapter 7: The Revolution” which includes a bizarre S & M relationship and a barely believable sex scene between Eva Braun and Magda Goebbels.
In this confronting, and at times unwatchable, stage-show, children’s entertainers punch, whip and maim small children who fail to listen attentively to a reading of ‘The Hungry, Hungry Caterpillar’. While at times this show missteps with life-threatening over-reaches, it mostly appeals to the audience who are taught to sympathise with Noni Hazlehurst as she throws acid in the face of a particularly stroppy Sarah who pays far too little attention to the award winning actress. This reviewer enjoyed the harsh brutality and recommends it thoroughly to new parents. 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
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Jimmy the carrot and his time-travelling parrot A disaster. “Jimmy” played by Hayden Fringsberg, is particularly unconvincing as the carrot given his height, weight and skin complexion remind this reviewer more of a pumpkin. While this performance was mostly a disaster, the parrot, played by Celine Dion, is a revelation with one particularly touching scene involving Jimmy confronting the parrot over the future of their relationship and whether the parrot truly believes they are made for one another. Nonetheless, this was not nearly enough to save this train-wreck. 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
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Ruskin Park Primary presents - Puppetry of the Penis A lovable romp that will be enjoyed by everyone from 8 to 80, this school spectacular left all members of the audience feeling sated, elated and violated. While most probably breaching the entire statute of child pornography, there was little doubt that the children loved what they were doing and that their teachers loved what they were seeing. Powerful, passionate and paedophilic this show bares it all. RUSKIN PARK
PRIMARY SCHOOL PRESENTS
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2013 South Australian Photography Exhibition
High
School
Another tired attempt to convert a succesful film into a musical. Bert Newton stars as Dr Heiter but ultimately puts in a tired, insipid performance that was more Nutty Professor than Hannibal Lecter. The actors seemed unable to keep up not only with the confronting subject matter but also with the person in front of them once the centipede was formed. A musical horrotica to be avoided.
I thoroughly recommend this confronting exhibition to readers. One part of the exhibition should be noted for its particularly confronting subject. The series of off-centre photographs of assault-victims taken by a young student from Gawler High School vary from the very serious, a striking photograph of a young man’s face after suffering a dog-attack, to the less serious, like the photograph of a teenager struggling with acne which was mistaken for physical bruising.
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Human Centipede - The Musical
THE HILARIAN
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Hilarian Hilarian Hilarian Want to see your name in print? Imagine the glory that goes with being a paid writer of a glamorous magazine. Now halve it, remove the ‘paid’ part, replace ‘glamorous’ with ‘highly witty and law related’, multiply it by the number you first thought of, and what you’re left with is the vainglorious sense of self satisfaction that comes with being a writer for the Hilarian. No topic is too uncouth, no description too shit, no joke too ‘Dad-ish’. Ever wanted to protest about the perplexity of Property? Ever wanted to share your hatred of Parisian restaurateurs? Ever wanted to respond to On Dit’s Rhia Rainbow and her anti-Versace sentiment? Now is your chance. Feel free to write anything that comes to mind. It need not be good, it need not be anything to do with Law, it need merely be size 12 font in Word.1 (Anonymity will be respected if you wish to produce an article without the aforementioned glory of a by-line.) Send any and all contributions to hilarian.klap@gmail.com That’s right; you too can be a writer. 1
Actual fontsizes may vary
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e d i s a ’ l t e n d e A d The Law Stu Guide… How To: Survive the First Year Hilarian’s Lontos, deal
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How-To back! This that
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Alexandra
Girl, time year
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awkwardness...
Hey there first years, By now, you’ve probably survived to tell the tale of your first day at law school. Hopefully any anxieties you had have subsided and you’ve realised that there’s a law library underneath the law library (crazy, isn’t it?). Whatever awkward moments of law related cluelessness you had, now’s the time to let them go. If you haven’t had any… well, you’re obviously too cool for me. Read on for some advice on how to make the rest of your transition into law school as easy as possible. 1. Get a Map/Directions Don’t make the mistake of thinking that just because you’re a law student, all your classes will be in the law school. Also, the Ligertwood tutorial room number system isn’t as simple as you might think. I remember my first “Foundations of Law” tute… I rushed into Ligertwood and started walking up the stairs, looking around at the maze of doors. A lovely Chinese girl must have noticed my confused expression because she came to my rescue and asked “the 9am tute?” to which I eagerly replied “yes, can I follow you there?” and she nodded, saying she knew where she was going. 1 I followed her into the classroom and looked around surprised, noticing it was filled with unfamiliar chatter. I hesitated, remembering that there were a lot of international students in law. The same girl again noticed my confused expression and said “you’re taking Chinese, aren’t you?” … that was when I left the room, embarrassed, and entered the proper classroom slightly late, again embarrassed. It was also when I learnt that they teach a huge variety of subjects in the law building and host law lectures in other venues like Medical School South and Flentje (yeah, you’re definitely going to be needing that map). 2. Print a clear timetable Having an accessible concise version of your timetable will definitely help you for at least the first few weeks of each semester. If you’re too embarrassed to continually pull out a timetable and refer to it… you can print-screen it and save it as your phone wallpaper. That way, you’re just checking your phone and not admitting that you still don’t remember which class is on at 2pm. Don’t feel bad, classes at 2pm post-lunch are hard to remember. Also, make an effort to pay close attention to where each class is and not to accidentally mix them up. I had one friend who managed to accidentally arrive at an empty 1
Early morning classes seemed like a good idea at the time but I’ve since changed my mind. THE HILARIAN
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classroom every week for three weeks because they continually thought that their tute was an hour earlier than it was. I had another friend who walked into a full Scott theatre, late and flustered, having to be that poor annoying person who pushes past people to get to the few vacant seats in the middle of the row. It was about 3 minutes into the lecture that she realised that rock formations had nothing to do with law but as she was too embarrassed to push past everyone again, she sat through the entire two hour geology lecture. Apparently, as I later learnt with the glare I received, it did not “rock”. 3. Get to know MyUni You’ll get into the habit of opening it in the tab next to Facebook or whatever your most visited site is, you just wait. Also, you’ll get the chance to change the random password (greenhatpotatoeseahorse57132) that was mailed out to you before your induction day, don’t worry. The online world of Adelaide University will tell you almost everything that you need to know for the duration of your degree. 4. Keep Calm and Carry On Lose all expectations and take things as it comes, you’ll be great. There are so many resources available to help you adapt to Uni life and assistance is literally an email away. Share a smile with the stranger sitting next to you in that tute, you’re all in the same position. Be careful how you do this though… too big a smile and you’re laughing at them, too small a smile and you’re being creepy, too shy a smile and you’re checking them out. Don’t mess that up or you’ll never ever make friends with anyone. Only kidding, I’m sure you’ll find most people around here are actually really nice. Plus if they’re not, just visualise giving them hell as your paralegal one day. Just kidding again. I remember trying hard to concentrate (all fresh faced and motivated) during my first University lecture-Contract Law.2 There were these people in the row behind me giggling like mad and talking so loud I could hardly hear the lecturer. I started falling behind on my notes and I remember being surprised that they were paying so little attention. After unintentionally eavesdropping on their conversation (I had no other option, okay, they were so damn loud) I learnt that they had just come from the Unibar and were really drunk. I was shocked and the law student stereotype in my head quickly disintegrated. They were so frustrating yet… so entertaining. Months later they became, and still are, some of my best friends. The point of this story is about first impressions (of both Uni and of people). They don’t necessarily last… or perhaps they do… Either way, welcome to law school.
KEEP CALM AND
FIRST YEAR
You Stay Classy Adelaide 2
I’ve since taken up a double degree, but shouting out to any single law kids… hang in there guys! THE HILARIAN
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Nadia Baldassi-Winderlich explores the vital role of lawyers in the fight for refugees
Superheroes in Wigs “Hostility towards lawyers is a widespread phenomenon.” That’s what Wikipedia told me when I googled ‘Great Lawyers in History’. I won’t comment on the irony of that being the first thing that caught my eye, but there you have it. While most people wouldn’t describe the plethora of un-funny jokes as a ‘widespread phenomenon’, absolutely nobody would deny that law is one of the most hated professions in the history of the world. However, despite the public scorn we endure, lawyers have the potential to make a difference. We’re at the forefront of most every major social change in history – Nelson Mandela was a lawyer, so was Ghandi. Lawyers draft constitutions, fight against unjust laws (admittedly drafted by other lawyers), and defend the weak. When social injustice rears its ugly head, lawyers will turn up with their precedents and their constitutional interpretations and whack it until it crawls away again. This is lucky, because currently there are hundreds of thousands of people in dire need of some wig-wearing superheroes to sweep in and save them from persecution at the hands of an unjust system. And that unjust system is run by our very own ‘lucky country’. Australia’s refugee policy has been making waves since the Tampa, and we’ve been drawing international attention for all the wrong reasons. We’re not lawyers yet, which means we aren’t quite as impressive as Ghandi, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t help. Just to give you a quick recap on Australia’s refugee policy, our catalogue includes the ‘babies overboard’, children in detention, hunger strikes and riots at Woomera, the frightening ‘turn back THE HILARIAN
the boats’ campaign, the Malaysia solution, the wreck SIEV X. But if you thought Australia couldn’t get any worse – think again. Australia is dumping refugees to centres on Manus Island (Papua New Guinea-PNG) and Nauru. Essentially, we have hundreds of people who risked their lives in a desperate escape effort only to be dumped in harsh conditions with little understanding of why they are there and how long they will be there for. The UNHCR’s most recent report revealed that in late January, families on Manus Island were still housed in 3x3m ‘rooms’, many of which had mesh cloth covering the entrances instead of doors. Single men were living in tents and marquees with one toilet shared between over 60 detainees. The UNHCR warned that conditions like these would have an ‘increasingly negative impact on the psycho-social and physical health of those transferred,’ and they were right. On March 22,
“With nothing more binding than a fun-sized, ‘Memorandum of Understanding’, we’ve sent men, women and children to prison” 20 refugees on Nauru were still on hunger strike, and there have been a string of suicide attempts. On February 19th, ten asylum seekers had sewn their lips shut, yet where were those stories on the news? With nothing more binding than a fun-sized, ‘Memorandum of Understanding’, we’ve sent men, women and children to prisons hundreds of kilometres away, just for daring to seek our help. This is obviously a fabulous and logical situation considering that neither Nauru or PNG have any framework for processing refugees, and in late January had yet to make any effort to implement some. Nauru has no mention of refugees in their Edition 1 2013 - 14 -
three laws, and PNG has one provision in their migration act relating to refugees. These are shaky foundations for a system which we’ve already trusted with the wellbeing of hundreds of people. Many of the Manus Island detainees stated that they rarely saw PNG or Australian officials within the centre, and in any case did not know who to approach with queries about their situation. Although, considering that the only response they could really get is ‘we don’t know what we’re doing with you yet’, maybe that’s for the best. Combatting these sorts of injustices is the highest calling of the legal profession. It is what, on some level, our training is preparing us for, so stick to those PPL readings! Obviously hard-working, dedicated individuals can make a difference no matter their career is… but when a social injustice is legitimised by a nation’s laws, it is lawyers who are best equipped to combat it, familiar as they are with the legal systems. Under the Howard government’s refugee policy, many lawyers came out of the woodwork to countless otherwise billable hours to fighting the system. The most inspiring part of this movement is that many of the prominent lawyers combatting the policy did not originally work in Human Rights Law, or related fields. Many, like Julian Burnside, were commercial lawyers. Some, like Jeremy Moore, were country solicitors. Lawyers like these combatted the Tampa decision (and closed Woomera Detention Centre). They are heroes. As inspiring as these stories are, it’s true that our ability to help in this area is hampered by our lack of qualifications. Very few of us (studious though we may occasionally be) have the legal savvy and the confidence to jump right into the fray and start some kind of pro-bono legal organisation. But our developing skills can still be of use. Organisations like ALHR (Australian Lawyers for Human Rights) which has just opened a branch in South Australia, provide a good framework and a group of dedicated, like-minded lawyers to help you along. And of course, Amnesty International, the Australian Refugee Association and Red Cross all need volunteers to continue the excellent work that they do. And while we need lawyers fighting for individual cases, there is an equally great need THE HILARIAN
for anybody to combat the system on a wider scale, through raising awareness. You don’t need a legal degree for that – traditionally, that is the territory of all University students. Educated, motivated and still suffering from the remnants of teenage desire to challenge authority… students are the best soldiers in protests. Plus, ‘saving the world’ is a fairly excellent reason for not completing those tedious equity readings. Living in a technological age means we have greater access to ideas and communication. It has never been easier to reach each other, and raising social awareness is really the first thing we need to do. I like to think that if people truly knew what was going on in those centres, if they were forced to confront the reality of the conditions and the fear and the desperation, they would rally against our current policy. Online petitions, status updates featuring the current news, even just taking enough of an interest to be able to have an informed debate with your peers, is enough to get this movement started. For a starting point, you can befriend Asylum Seekers Onnauru on Facebook (it’s exactly what it sounds like) and share their status updates. Again on Facebook, join the Refugee Action Group. Share news bulletins, share photos. This isn’t just an atrocious breach of human rights, it’s a fascinating legal tangle – the stories are worth following. But while we’d all prefer to fight the system from behind our computer screens and in our pyjamas, these online attacks cannot substitute the old methods. Letter writing campaigns and protests are just as likely to have an effect now as they were in the 70s. You don’t even need to organise them yourself – The Adelaide Refugee Action Group holds monthly protests in the mall, and open their planning meeting to the public. Posters are often plastered around campus, advertising protests. And our legal education is nothing but an asset here. There is no reason we can’t use the legal training we’ve so far received to make a real difference to this problem. In fact, we should. Let’s live up to the legacy our predecessors bequeathed to us (along with that lovely douchebag stereotype) and fight a real injustice that’s happening on our doorstep. Somebody needs to.
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Meet the New AULSS EXECUTIVE President:
Charlotte Thomas (president@aulss.org.au)
Vice-President (Administration):
Sam Hooper (vpa@aulss.org.au)
Vice-President (Education):
Ben Cosentino (vpe@aulss.org.au)
Vice-President (Careers & Sponsorship): Activities Director:
Jack Batty (vpcs@aulss.org.au) Alexia Watts (acdirector@aulss.org.au)
Competitions Director:
Rebecca McEwen (compsdirector@aulss.org.au)
Social Justice Director:
Priya Pavri (sjdirector@aulss.org.au)
COMMITTEE MEMBERS Activities Representatives:
Alexandra Lontos, Candice Caretti, Miranda Van Heuven, Hugo Shaw (activities@aulss.org.au)
Careers and Sponsorship Representatives:
Competitions Co-Ordinators:
Nicole Bradshaw, Rebecca Cox, Edward Gainer (careers@aulss.org.au)
Hannah Martin, Henry Davis, Igor Popov, Nick Lee, Meg Lowe, Bao-Loc Nguyen (competitions@aulss.org.au) Jessica McBride (education@aulss.org.au)
Education Representative: Social Justice Officers:
Ben Atkinson, Steph Kolaczkos, Fraser Andrews (socialjustice@aulss.org.au)
I.T. Officer:
Taylor Rundell (it@aulss.org.au)
Mature Age Representative:
Gerard Koeleman (matureagerep@aulss.org.au)
Hilarian Editors:
Patrick McCaffrie, Will Maitland, Ally Lontos (hilarian.klap@gmail.com) THE HILARIAN
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President’s Report Charlotte Thomas Welcome to Edition 1 of the Hilarian for 2013! And thank you, of course, to the editors for all of the work they put into our quarterly magazine. As 2013 President of the Adelaide University Law Students’ Society (‘AULSS’) I hope this year is as enjoyable for you as a year at law school can be! As you can see from this Edition’s Executive reports, the AULSS has been incredibly busy over the past few months. Over 600 of you attended our Careers Fair and picked up our Careers Guide; over 200 went to Sue Me; and over 20 of our First Years nominated for First Year Representative – the highest number in years. Below are the dates of some of our upcoming events: • • • • •
BREAKFAST WITH HON CATHERINE BRANSON – May 8 PUB CRAWL – May 10 WOMEN IN LAW SEMINAR – May 27 BREAKFAST WITH FORMER CHIEF JUSTICE JOHN DOYLE – June 4 LAW BALL – June 8
I hope to see you around at one or more of these events – please do say hello and of course feel free to contact any member of the AULSS if you have any questions, feedback, or concerns.
Administration Report
Sam Hooper
Thanks for reading this many pages into the first edition of the Hilarian for 2013!1 My name is Sam Hooper and I am the Vice President (Administration) of the AULSS. My main role is that of Treasurer which involves balancing the vast amount of income and even greater amount of expenses throughout the year. I am also responsible for the agenda and taking of minutes at meetings. In 2013 I will be organising the selling of Law School Jumpers, signing the cheque for Law Ball and overseeing the day to day management of the Vice President (Education)’s love life. 1
Eds: What are you trying to say Sam?
THE HILARIAN
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Alexia Watts
Activities Report
The AULSS Activities for 2013 is made up of Director, Alexia Watts and Representatives, Alexandra Lontos, Candice Caretti, Miranda Van Heuven and Hugo Shaw. Our team has had a fantastic start to semester one with the launch of our ‘Law School Local’ affiliation with the Botanic, offering stickers for $5 which give discounts and deals to any law students keen to take part. We also had great success with our opening party ‘Sue Me’ which was held on Thursday 21st March at Rocket Bar/Rooftop. In the coming weeks we will be launching a competition to pick the theme for our upcoming pubcrawl on Friday 10th May at North Adelaide! Stay tuned to the AULSS facebook page for more details and don’t forget to put a save the date for Law Ball 2013 in your diary which will be held on Saturday 8th June at the Stamford Grand.
Think you’ve got what it takes to design the T-shirt for this year’s
AULSS pubcrawl? Send your designs into the Activities team at
activities@aulss.org.au The top 5 entries will be selected and published on facebook for a public vote. The owner of the winning entry will receive a free pubcrawl T-shirt as well as a complimentary ticket to Law Ball!’
THE HILARIAN
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Mature Age Report Gerard Koeleman Hey everyone! I’m Gerard Koeleman, 2013’s Mature Age Representative aka ‘Experienced Age Representative’. I’ve come to university with no prior tertiary academic experience, or for that matter, expectations. I’ve led a quite eclectic life prior to studying full-time - I worked for an airline for 12.5 years, drove public buses for 2 years (not a recommended career pathway) and taught English to less than mature age students in Mexico for 18 months. Currently, I try to (unsuccessfully) make ends meet as a pathology courier. I have a passion for photography and have the uncanny ability to put a room of 20 friends to sleep with my slide shows. When I complete my law degree, I envisage becoming the Milky Way’s first ‘Intergalactic Space Lawyer’ - a burgeoning industry I feel. Therefore I’m willing to take a punt on (just about) anything and give it a go to ensure this year’s experienced students have a great year at law school. So far we’ve enjoyed a BBQ in Mitcham Park and managed to polish off a surplus of the University’s best (insert loose subjective test here) wine. In week 10, the AULSS have approved us to go wild at the Botanic Bar for an evening of unbridled adult fun sans the kids. I’ll also be encouraging other ‘Experienced Age Drinkers’ to show how to survive a pub crawl and the law ball without letting your eyes wobble once - no matter what. This program will be repeated in reverse during semester II. I hope that these events will provide a cathartic experience for students to stave off any desires they have to stab themselves in the eyes while trying to understand the interpretation of property and discretionary trusts in Kennon v Spry. On a serious note, please don’t hesitate to contact me with any help or advice I can give this year. I’ve been through the mill too and am more than happy to discuss any issues or direct those that need help.
The Hilarian is proudly supported by Lipman Karas, Clayton Utz and The Botanic Bar.
THE HILARIAN
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Education Report Ben Cosentino Upcoming Initiatives
First Year News
ALSA conference There are currently two conferences scheduled for 2013; One in April and another in July. The likely focuses of the conferences will be the Honours framework and the need for greater emphasis on students’ mental health at law school. Attendees will report any developments arising at the conferences and welcome potential input for discussion from AULSS.We are in a fortunate position this year as two former AULSS members have taken positions on the ALSA board.
First year induction seminar The first year induction seminar was extremely well attended and provided around 100 first year students with an introduction to: •the composition and role of the LSS; •what new students can expect in their studies; •possible extra-curricular involvement; •laying the foundations for gaining employment in the law.
Women in Law careers seminar This seminar was popular and well frequented last year and was an initiative of the Women in Law Association. It has been reorganized with the WLA this year and will be held on the 27th of May at 6:30PM in the moot court (tbc). Speakers will include: Alicia Burgemeister - In house lawyer - Viterra Pty Ltd Jo-Anne Deuter - Barrister - Anthony Mason Chambers Anne Walker - Union solicitor - Australian Education Union
Nominations for first year representatives were also opened at the seminar and generated a lot of interest. The education team has been fielding emails from students interested in becoming volunteering with the AULSS and would like to able to offer such opportunities. The first year drinks night was also a great success and was attended by around 80 first year students.
Finlaysons’ Answer Bank The Answer Bank functions extremely well as a touchstone for students wishing to understand the requirements of individual courses. It will require updating throughout the year with new answers and we have already received new papers for several first year subjects with the help of Suzanne LeMire. We will be sending similar requests for answers to lecturers of advanced year subjects. Employment guide on the LSS website The education team would like to include examples of successful clerkship and work experience application letters and resumes on the website. These would provide an excellent style guide for fellow students and improve the overall quality of applications by Adelaide students across the national and state clerkship schemes.We ask that those of you willing to donate such documents please contact Ben on his student email address. Electives guide This is an excellent resource for students contemplating subject selection. We wish to ensure this is published and readily available as well as updated with new SELT and survey responses at the conclusion of each semester. Incentive for student participation in these surveys will continue to be required. THE HILARIAN
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First year representative elections First year elections this year were run extremely well due to Jess McBride’s tireless efforts and exhibited results indicative of unprecedented success. 24 candidates nominated for the positions and voting numbers were higher than ever previously recorded. The successful candidates, Nick Banks and Maddie Quinn are to be congratulated on their achievement and inducted at the next general meeting.
Education Report Continued Honours - changes to the Australian Qualification Framework / the new GDLP As largely publicized, the requirements for obtaining a law degree “with Honours” from Adelaide university will be changing to reflect a national scheme still currently being constructed. From our understanding of the process, the alterations have been motivated by employers and national university heads who are critical of meritorious awarding of Honours, when most international law schools require a dissertation and extra year of coursework. In that sense, the LSS will not have a great deal of input in the structure of the new Honours program, but will be instrumental in educating students about the new requirements. The LSS will fulfill essentially the same role regarding the new GDLP program. The education team has been in contact with Professor Williams regarding our concerns with the state of flux and he intimated that the faculty is in a similar state of confusion. Once the new regime is finalised we will be able Education Representative to inform the cohort of its requirements. Jess McBride
Careers and Sponsorship
Jack Batty
The Careers & Sponsorship team is responsible for a number of career-oriented events throughout the year. Our biggest event of the year was the Careers Fair last month. With over 25 firms attending and over 600 students through the door it was a great success! We also produce an annual Careers Guide which is now available on the AULSS website. We have a number of other events planned throughout the year including Clerkship Information Nights and GDLP Information Sessions. Keep an eye out for details on these. The portfolio also encompasses sponsorship, which is an important task for an organisation that relies solely on sponsorship funding. If you had any questions regarding either Careers or Sponsorship please do not hesitate to contact me or one of the representatives – Bec Cox, Ed Gainer and Nicole Bradshaw.
THE HILARIAN
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Social Justice Report Priya Pavri Hey everyone. I hope you are all as excited about the upcoming social justice events as I am. We’ve taken the old, and added some new, and are excited to bring you bigger and better events this year. We are kicking off with two breakfasts. The first with a past president of the Australian Human Rights Commission, Catherine Branson QC. She will be followed by South Australia’s very own the Hon John Doyle. Keep your eyes and ears peeled, tickets will be going on sale very soon, and you don’t want to miss the chance to see these two sensational legal minds. The Social Justice Representatives for 2013 are Stephanie Kolaczkos, Ben Atkinson and Fraser Andrews.
COMMERCIAL CLIENT FOCUSED LAW FIRM www.claytonutz.com/graduates THE HILARIAN Edition 1 2013 - 22 -
Competitions Report
Rebecca McEwen
Competitions are off to a flying start, with the Open Moot and Witness Examination semi-finals to be held on Wednesday 10 April. We’re also heading in to the second round of Negotiations and Client Interviewing. If you’re interested in competitions but didn’t enter the earlier in the semester, check out the information circulated recently about the International Humanitarian Law Moot and Paper Presentation. If you want more information, make sure you have a look at the AULSS Competitions Handbook, which was sent around at the beginning of semester. If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to contact me or any of our competitions representatives-- Megan Lowe if you have a question about the Open Moot, Hannah Martin for Witness Examination, Bao-Loc Nguyen for Negotiations and Igor Popov for Client Interviewing. The other two representatives for 2013 are Henry Davis and Nick Lee who will also be happy to answer any questions you may have. We can always find ways for interested people to be involved! The Open Moot and Witness Examination Grand Finals will be held on Wednesday 1 May. Come along if you’re interested to see some of the best competitors battling for the top spot! More details will be disseminated closer to the date.
THE HILARIAN
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y r t e r e Po n r Co There was an old lady from Clyde Who ate three green apples and died. The apples fermented inside the lamented and made cider inside her insides.
A man and his wife once begat Three triplets, named Nat, Tat and Pat. T’was fun in the breeding but hell in the feeding, because there was no tit for tat.
A young fellow named Cholmondeley 1 Colquhoun 2, Once kept as a pet a babolquhoun, His mother said, “Cholmondeley, Do you think it quite colmondeley, To feed your babolquhoun with a spolquhoun?”
1 2
Pronounced ‘Chumley’ Pronounced ‘Cahoon’ THE HILARIAN
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The Hilarian is proud to introduce its new Poetry Corner! These pages will be filled every edition with the best and most racy of poems in any one particular style. For Edition One we’re proud to present the Limerick! Which is your favourite?
There was a old man from Japan whose limericks never would scan. When told this was so, he replied: “Yes, I know it’s because I try to fit as many words into the last line as I possibly can.”
Why not enter our limerick competition? We’ve provided a few first lines to get you started, so send in your completed entry to hilarian.klap@gmail.com and the winning entry will be published on our poetry page for Edition 2. The winner will also receive a copy of the next edition of The Hilarian absolutely free! a. A diaphanous chap from Nantucket... b. A cantankerous lady named Inez... c. The curtains of Elizabeth Regina... THE HILARIAN
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Sport. Sport! SPORT! It’s something everyone enjoys even if they won’t admit it (much like Everybody Loves Raymond, Facebook or Torts 1). Luckily, the Australian Football League (hereafter “AFL” – thank you Dispute Resolution and Ethics) is back. Each year (per annum) Mike Sheehan presents his top 50 players. Sadly The Hilarian has no money so cannot reprint that article, instead The Hilarian has commissioned Ike Reeran to list his top 4 worst players over the course of history. While a lot of this could well be defamatory we have no assets so go ahead and sue us! Here goes… Michael Greenan – Greenan was, supposedly a half-back flanker for the Collingwood Piping Shrieks (as they were then known before they made a dramatic move to Victoria). Greenan was the VFL’s least successful half-back for the 1967-68 season. However he was also convicted of several child sex offences. It’s really the last part that was the problem.
– Andrew Spanger Spanger was not only a terrible ruckman but also a nazi sympathizer who, during the 1939 season, refused to give the football to any player who didn’t support the Fuhrer’s final plan. Spanger’s high turnover rate against Essendon remains unexplained. The Essendon football club has refused to comment on the matter. Jane Jackson – Jackson had a remarkably short career during which she was employed as an experiment during the ‘feminine-football-fantasy-phase’. During the 1950s the AFL was concerned about a perceived problem regarding treatment of women. In response, the AFL introduced a rule whereby any woman on the field was unable to commit an infraction. While this rule only stayed in placed for 3 days, the AFL’s problem with women has lasted much, much longer. – Matthew Gingham During the 60’s Gingham was the least successful back-pocket in the competition and a constant thorn in the side of Richmond. In fact, Gingham was 5 times more likely to concede a goal than prevent one; this was a common source of discontent to Tigers fans. THE HILARIAN
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Look out for posts from your Activities Team for updates on future events!
Photography courtesy of Bill Mansfield
On the 21st of March the AULSS Activities Team kicked off the start of the term with their traditional AULSS Opening Party: SUE ME. Despite the inviting name, once again no one sued any of the students and our Law School didn’t get to make it any extra cash (damn it, at least we tried). Rocket Rooftop provided a great atmosphere to enjoy the free vodka gained on arrival whilst Rocket Bar downstairs allowed for dance floor space to show off the effects of the $5 drink specials. Thanks to everyone who came and enjoyed an amazing night!
THE HILARIAN
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t
Flay School
Mein Camp
19-27 March 22-29 April
22-29 March 12-19 April
Garden of Unearthly Delights
Apollo Theatre jimmy the carrot
Human Centipede the musical
1-7, 12-18 March
15 March 27 April
Apollo Theatre
Barrio
LAW RELATED FUN CAN BE FOUND THE BEST OF LAW-RELATED HERE IN THE GARDEN OF HILARIAN DELIGHTS
MEET THE EDITORS REVIEWS OF THE FRINGE
MEET YOUR NEW AULSS HOW TO SURVIVE FIRST YEAR G
SO RIN AL TU A FE
NEWS &
UPDATES
BAD
POETRY
GENERAL
LAW LOVING
BAD JOKES
& PUNS
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