The Hilarian, Edition 2 2014 by Hilarian

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The Hilarian Edition 2, 2014 Published 29 September 2014 Editor-in-Chief Deputy Editor Cover Art

Tilde Wiese Aditya Shivam Tilde Wiese

Contributors

Kieran Cash Nisha Pereira Emily Taliangis

Major Sponsor

Lipman Karas

General Sponsors

Allens Clayton Utz

This publication does not represent the views of the Adelaide University Law School. This publication is not endorsed by the Adelaide University Law School or the University of Adelaide generally. This is a satirical publication and it is the sole production of the Adelaide University Law Studentsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; Society.

A Letter from the Editor

Can You Have Your Dessert and Eat It Too?

Growcabulary

A Sweet Revue: Bittersweet Law Degree

My Real Time Thoughts While Driving

Albums for your Infant

Quotation Inspiration

The Kindness of Strangers

Puzzle Me This

Creative Procrastination

Social Pages: Law Ball

Oh, hello there! What a pleasant surprise. I’m not sure that we’ve met before - allow us to introduce ourselves. My name is Tilde and this is my friend Aditya. Oh, what a coincidence, there’s a picture of us right here! I am the pale girl in red and Addy is the roguish young chap to my right. Occasionally we write a few witty things, along with a lot of less witty things, and then the kind folk of the AULSS publish them for us and make us feel like we are fulfilling a legitimate role. We’ve taken a bit of a hiatus since our first issue, and for that we apologise. Concerted investment in our studies and paid employment, we are told, will benefit us greatly in the future, but we understand that offers little consolation to our devastated readership. But, as they say, distance makes the heart grow fonder so as long as that applies to temporal distance too, you guys must freaking love us by now.

Putting together a magazine to stimulate the highbrow intellectual audience that is the population of the Adelaide Law School is always a daunting task, especially when you realise the competition that is out there. A sojourn on Adelaide metro allowed me to read the introductory paragraph of an article named ‘How to Feng Shui Your Keyring’ over the shoulder of a middle-aged woman who had paid ACTUAL MONEY in order to obtain her very own copy of that publication. After Zumba a mere week ago, I sat in a nearby coffee shop with my friends drinking iced chocolates (we nobly refused the whipped cream topping, not wanting to put too much in the way of the mad latino abs we’re preparing for summer) and flicked through an issue of Women’s Health. Oh, the literary wisdom to be found within – the front cover promised a SPECIAL REPORT on whether or not you should cheat on your partner! Now, I have to admit, the headline ‘Promise or Promiscuity’ did earn my genuine chuckles and appreciation, but I’m just not sure that any magazine that claims to be a legitimate publication should ever publish this photo, especially if it’s going to be captioned with the words “sausage fest”.

Hi there friend! My name is Tilde. Hello Tilde, I’m Addy. We should edit a magazine together. You know what, I was thinking the same thing. Let’s call it The Hilarian.

Artists impression of the birth of The Hilarian

Bearing in mind our competition and in order to make up for our extended absence, we’ve put together a bumper issue with lots to entertain you. Contemplating childbirth but put off by the burden of raising the resultant crying, pooing miniature person? Don’t worry, Kieran Cash has you sorted with his recommendations of records that will raise your child for you – just check out his article ‘Albums for Your Infant’. Meanwhile, mere pages away, Nisha Pereira gives us the low down on her experience opening her very own dessert and wine bar and makes us hopeful that we too may be able to find a job outside of the legal profession if this whole law fandango doesn’t quite work out. Emily Taliangis not only reminds us how pretty Cherry Blossom is, but also offers an entertaining insight into her wandering mind in ‘My Real Time Thoughts While Driving’.

If thinking about travelling will grant a nice daydreamy reprieve rather than simply make you more depressed about all the work you have to do right now, check out my thoughts on travel and the fantastic people I happened upon in my escapades in ‘The Kindness of Strangers’. You can also take the opportunity to relive the hilarity that was Law Revue 2014 in our review of Bittersweet Law Degree. Throughout the remainder of the pages, you’ll also discover some fun extra bits and pieces such as an intellectual and engaging crossword, happy snaps from Law Ball 2014, tips to diversify your procrastination habits, and my love for MS Paint. We hope you enjoy your time pawing through these pages and bid you farewell until next time. With love, Tilde (and Aditya)

Contributions

Want to write for The Hilarian? Got some feedback? Think these editors seem like they’d be fun for a chat? Shoot us an email at hilarian.klap@gmail.com. We’d love to hear from you.

Corrections

Last edition said Edition 5 on the cover. Those playing at home may well have noticed on the inner cover that it was in fact Edition 1 for 2014. Whoops. Our bad.

Apologies

In our last issue, a photo belonging to Alice Bitmead was published without her permission. The Hilarian acknowledges our mistake and offers her our sincerest apologies.

In July this year, Adelaide law student Nisha Pereira ditched the textbooks in favour of sweet treats and opened her very own pop-up dessert and wine bar, Room for Dessert. Now, she tells us about her experience trading in law to trial this very different kind of bar career.

When I sit amongst you all in my law seminars, I tend to feel a little queasy. It’s the same anxiousness you develop after having realised that the milk you just drank may have actually been past it’s used by date. When I listen to you speak so intelligently about the law and possess such profound opinions, I ponder where my opinions about the criminal justice system went. Most likely, they are hidden deeply behind my passion for brands, marketing and advertising.

A budget for this type of project does not exist, excluding my personal contribution for the bare basics. I had to source as many volunteers as I could and did so in the form of sponsorships. I cold called Inside Morocco (the best Moroccan décor and events company in Adelaide) and setup a meeting with management.

Some four years ago I decided that a law and commerce degree was by far the best option for me. I was yet to establish whether I was best suited to the Pearson Specter path – or would be more successful as an Advertising Exec. It’s a struggle many of us ‘double degree kids’ have: the question of which degree will lead us to the pot of After a few meetings and some convincing e-mails gold within this highly competitive marketplace. on my part, owner Janet Belchamber agreed that Inside Morocco would become our third Whilst I have been working part-time for a partner in this venture. I am still amazed that she commercial solicitor, I wanted to test myself in agreed and feel indebted to her. I believe that her the marketing field. Room for Dessert was born agreement was due, in a large part, to my OTT and the theme came to life. organisation. What I lack in business experience, I’ve always dreamt about having a dessert I compensate for with my ridiculously highlighted and wine bar; something about chocolate and spreadsheets, timelines and to-do lists, without cocktails seems too alluring to pass up. When my which I doubt anyone would have taken me friend who owns the Spice Kitchen on Kensington seriously. Road challenged me to utilise his function room, I The toughest week of my life was set-up. I had happily accepted. two exams left, it was EOFY at work, and Room As an Indian utilising the space above an Indian for Dessert was opening for its first test night to restaurant, the dessert menu was created to a bunch of critics and reviewers. At every difficult ensure my mum could showcase her brilliant point, I had to remind myself that I had chosen to cooking skills as well as the culinary talent of do this knowing it would be a hard act to balance everything. Ragini Dey, Head Chef of the Spice Kitchen. The function room itself lacked lustre and charm. I imagined a room lined with beautifully draped red silk walls, warmth emanating from tea light candles that would be all too magical to resist.

During the entire process, the most challenging part of directing the project has been communication. On a weekly basis, I liaise with a minimum of ten people who have varying interests in the project.

I had to quickly adjust to their preferred times and methods of communication. Moreover, I learnt that whilst this project has consumed my life, it occupies a far smaller space in the minds of for those ten others, and what I wish to rush as ‘priority’ is not necessarily marked ‘High Importance’ to them. Understanding the external and internal stresses faced by the partners you’re working with increases your patience and tolerance levels – that I learned the hard way!

and Janet Belchamber work tirelessly to keep their passion alive. Both women work closely with family members, who not only keep you in check but are always there to fondly reminisce over a bottle of red. 

We are already halfway through the pop-up concept and I do love watching people enjoy themselves with a drink and delish dessert in a space that has been driven and designed by passion rather than profit. Working with such talented individuals such as those involved with Spice Kitchen and the Inside Morocco team has taught me that you can make a living out of doing what you love, but expect to compromise on a few things every now and again. If it’s not profit, it might be your social life or your grades (and always your sleep). Both Ragini Dey

Fun new words to use in casual conversation in order to appear more intelligent than you actually are Pusillanimous (adj)

Gongoozler (n)

Timid; lacking courage or resolution. e.g. I’m in such a pickle. I met modern Australia’s answer to Adonis in International Law, but I’m just too pusillanimous to make a move.

An idle spectator. e.g. It’s the same in my tute. I feel like a bit of a gongoozler. But Dale said pretty forcefully at the start of the semester that he didn’t care if anyone failed, so YOLO.

Galoot (n) An awkward, eccentric or foolish person. e.g. You’re such a galoot! Just impress him with your in-depth understanding of the Vienna Convention. Works every time.

Begird (v)

Impavid (adj)

Fearless. e.g. What fun and carefree yet potentially detrimental behaviour! You are so impavid. And even if you do fail, at least you are looking very pretty.

To encompass or surround. e.g. Yeah, but I’m always begirded by enthusiastic Fard (v) first years who really seem to know their shit. Ain’t To paint one’s face with cosmetics. e.g. Thanks man! I just farded. nobody got time for that.

Tilde Wiese reviews the Adelaide Law Revue 2014, Bittersweet Law Degree. She liked it, and apologises for disrupting your viewing by laughing like a hyena. She can’t help it, it’s just how she laughs.

It was a mild Thursday night and the Little Theatre was abuzz with chatter and excitement for the upcoming frivolities. Audience members pored over programs. I lined up at an unattended bar, met some friendly strangers and debated whether or not we could go behind and serve ourselves. One daring rogue did so. Afraid of the repercussions karma may bring, I gave up my fermented grape drink-based dreams, returned to my seat and awaited the start of the show. Soon the lights went down. The audience hushed. The gentle scutter of cast members behind us promised a surround sound experience and the titillation of a broken fourth wall. Footsteps quieted. The lights came up… The lights came up……. THE LIGHTS CAME UP. OH SERIOUSLY GUYS, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON BACK THERE?

pantomimic hand gestures in the lighting box. After a bit of a wait, the lights went down once more. The audience hushed. The lights came up, for realsies this time, and an energetic musical intro ushered us eagerly into the hours of bellylaughs and hilarity to follow. The second sketch, ‘The Hungover Games: Catching Bile’ made me slightly question what I’d got myself in for, but as the show progressed my laughter became more and more shrieking and the accompanying contortions ever more surprising.

The Hilarian must award the highest of honours to Lawrence Ben, whose parents saddled him with two first names and a bucket load of comedic skill to fend off the resultant schoolyard bullies. Those facial contortions and purportedly urinesoaked pants really should have been a turn off, but by god being hilarious adds mountains to a No lights came up. Technical difficulties. lad’s sex appeal. Other notable mentions include Chuckles. More chatter. Furrowed brows and Will Maitland’s rapid-fire political commentary

in ‘Parliamentary Stakes’, Hugo Balnave’s Fotina Agalidis in ‘The Real Housewives of Ligertwood’, Emily Olle’s slightly-too-convincing Iggy Izalea, Ben Bishop’s take on Julie Bishop (cast in the role for a familial resemblance, perhaps?), and Alex Stanley’s moustache. The show’s namesake tune, Bittersweet Law Degree, left me pleasantly confused about whether to laugh at the lyrics or be bewildered by the legitimately stunning musical talent of its performers. The parody was written and arranged by Matilda Conlon, who coincidentally was the show’s director and therefore arranged and wrote a fair bit of that too. Really, it’s as if she is inviting us to see the song as a microcosm of the whole show. Talented cast, hilarious show, uncertainty about which to be more impressed by, etc, etc, etc. The review practically comes prewritten.

It’s always difficult to gauge whether a show’s success has more to do with its director or its actors, but a fairly accurate assessment can generally be made by assessing how many scoffs and near silent murmurings of “dickhead” emanate from the cast’s collective lips during the director’s applause. Not only did Matilda avoid any such displays, but the cast jumped and whooped offensively loudly as they gestured enthusiastically towards their theatrical overload. From this we can only assume that Bittersweet Law Review owes its excellence not only to an incredible cast, but also a great (and evidently greatly appreciated) director. Armed with the official congratulations of The Hilarian, you may now go and reward yourselves with a celebratory drink. Oh no wait, you already did. Backstage. And returned promptly to the stage armed with beers immediately after the show. No wonder there was no bartender in the foyer, he was too busy with that thirsty cast and crew.  9

An afternoon cruise down Emily Taliangis’s cerebral roadways.

12.49pm. I’m late. Surely that time is wrong. Better step on it. Oh shit, now the petrol light’s on. To fill or not to fill? That is the question. Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous misfortune…What on earth is a sling? Shakespeare must have been on something. I haven’t heard this song in years! Cranks up volume. It’s gettin’ hot in here herre (so hot), so take off all your clothes…Whatever happened to Nelly? And what exactly was with that face BandAid? Outrageous fortune not misfortune, silly billy. 12.53pm. Yellow light. You can do it! GO GIRL! Red light. F*ck. Wow, this street is so pretty! I can’t believe I’ve never noticed it before! Who knew we had Cherry Blossoms in Australia? When I grow up, I’m going to live on this street. I’m going to go to Japan, too. Okay, that guy is extremely good-looking. And fit. Speeds up. His legs are quite possibly the sexiest things I’ve ever seen. They’re definitely better than mine. Totally unfair. 12.58pm. Hmm, I quite like this song. Don’t think

I’ve heard it before. Shazam. Ed Sheeran, how embarrassing. I refuse to have an Ed Sheeran song in my iTunes. It’s so good though…1.04pm. IS THAT THE TIME? I’m late, I’m late, I’m so, so late. Petrol light starts flashing. Oh please, not now. Don’t do this to me. I will literally bet you a million dollars that this slow driver in front of me is either old, or a woman. Changes lanes. I knew it – old and female. Is it sexist of me to think that, even though I too, am female? Probably. Get a damn move on, b*tch! Sorry, that’s harsh. I should stop swearing. 1.12pm. How far above the speed limit can I go without losing my licence? And how far down is this bloody turn-off? I better not have missed it. Sneezes five times in a row. Holy cow, that was so scary! It’s a miracle I didn’t crash! Thank-you, traffic gods! 1.17pm. Okay, where the bloody hell am I? I guess I’ll just drive around until something looks familiar. Phone rings. Shitzen, they’re waiting for me. Again. Can I blame the traffic? 1.31pm. Turns off engine. Leaves car lights on. Battery goes flat.

Albums for your infant. Albums that mould your children. Albums that change nappies. Albums that cuddle in the cradle at night. Albums that breastfeed â&#x20AC;&#x201C; morally. Have you ever considered outsourcing your parenting to music? Well these are some albums that do your parenting for you. This is the music that you want to send your children to sleep on a stormy night. This is what you want them to hear the first time they see the colour yellow, or at the first suck of their motherâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s teat. Let these albums cradle your child at night. Let them clean up their spew and tickle their feet. Defecating on the floor while Bob Dylan sings them the virtues of peace, life is glorious. Let Kieran Cash show you how to raise a child.

Big Science – Laurie Anderson Ok, first of all, this album scares the absolute shit out of me. And what better way to introduce your child to the world, than by making them wet the bed. Make no mistake however, it is a superb, futuristic exploration in subtlety, an album of spoken word that is both gentle and unnerving. I know, most people are not into this particular genre, but I challenge you to listen to this album and not be hypnotised by Anderson’s insistent anecdotes and premonitions. After all, if you’re going to give up your parenting duties to music, you can’t do much better than spoken word, even if some of the themes may be a little beyond your child’s comprehension. Layers of soft, clicking drum beats, triumphant horns, a constant swell of synths and even some xylophones give appropriate context to Anderson’s weighted recitals. I see this album as a sort of mother-figure for a child. The words and tones are gentle and reassuring, but there are moments where this membrane collapses ever so slightly, and the tranquillity twists briefly into trepidation. And if that isn’t mother-like, then I don’t know what is.

Pet Sounds – The Beach Boys I’m beginning to wonder if this album was created solely for the purpose of this article. The instrumentation alone triggers a veritable cartwheel of blurry-eyed childhood memories that may or may not have happened and that may or may not have involved the acid trips and manic depressive episodes that lurk behind the album’s many gloriously honeyed melodies. Where ‘Big Science’ is best suited to introducing a child into this world at a purely post-natal stage, ‘Pet Sounds’ is the soundtrack of discovery. The world is bright, shiny, aggravating, overwhelming and baffling, a place where selfies are actually a thing, and where a cowboy hat wearing a politician can be democratically elected to a position of power. This impossible world is best captured in a 30-plus minute parade of bells, bicycle horns, organs, strings and harmonies that would make even the Everly Brothers moan with delight. As far as your child is concerned, it is an album of early youth and fascination, but also a gateway to the angst and disappointment of adolescence, a taste of what’s to come, if you will. It is an older sibling: a playmate at youth, something to aspire to, a companion who is annoyingly advanced in matters of the heart. 13

Life’s a Riot with Spy vs. Spy - Billy Bragg If you wish to raise a vehemently left-wing militant as a child, with the heart of a folk-punk ruffian and the voice of a dockworker from Essex, then this is probably the album you’re after. In just over 15 minutes, Bragg struts his stripped down melancholy yet righteous assortment of political calls-to-arms with the interjection of only a handful of more tender insights into love and relationships. Only the rattle and ache of his lonely electric guitar accompanies Bragg, which at times seems to be more an extension of his own frustration and agitation than an instrument on its own. Life isn’t fair, and there’s no reason why your child shouldn’t know this from the get-go. Oh, you want your teddy? Yeah, well Russia is embarking on a reckless geo-political campaign that borders on flagrant provocation of East-West relations which could see decades of diplomatic rapprochement crumble under the rancour of Putin’s self-righteousness as he rides on horseback into Kiev, bare-chested and nipples erect. And don’t think that the US are much better either, kid. What does the 20th Century’s land of milk and honey have to say about the spilling of blood and tears? What can she say after her own campaigns of state obliteration and thoughtless occupation? Lady Liberty that has spread her legs around the world like the whore of false promises and endless idiocy, all spilling from her often entered vagina. Oh yeah, and daddy was made redundant today. Ahem. Enough spins of this record and soon your child will be slinging a messenger bag over their shoulder, pulling on a Che Guevara t-shirt, cursing Thatcher and interrupting broadcasts of Q&A. Down with the Tories!

Midnight Marauders - A Tribe Called Quest Now that you have successfully traumatised and/ or indoctrinated your offspring with a range of the aforementioned musical motherings, you will at least want them to be cool. And as far as cool goes, you can’t do much better than this. The hip-hop trio from Queens are considered pioneers of rap music, and this 1993 masterpiece, built upon their earlier, more subtle works, represents probably their most accessible, yet undeniably original LP. The beats are smooth and jazzy, the rhymes are clever, unexpected and honest, but most of all, it’s cool, so unattainably cool. Well, unattainably cool if you’re the average University of Adelaide Law student. But don’t worry, thankfully, your child is not you. They are yet to resign themselves to a life of comfortable and assured mediocrity and the false imaginings of a career wrapped in endless bitterness and unjustified pride on the pretext of some vague notions of superiority. Not yet. So while they still have the chance, get them onto some Tribe, please.  14

Words of wisdom to help you through the day

Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go. T.S. Eliot

I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong. Benjamin Franklin

Success is going from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm. Winston Churchill

The moment you doubt whether you can fly, you cease forever to be able to do it. J.M. Barrie

Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. Isaac Asimov

If things start happening, don’t worry, don’t stew, just go right along and you’ll start happening too. Dr Seuss

Tilde Wiese talks travel, trauma and realising the potential of people.

The wonderful thing about travelling is that everything is unknown, and everything unknown has the potential to be something amazing. Every stranger could possibly be the most interesting and hilarious person you’ve ever met. Every miscellaneous spirit and questionable cocktail may taste slightly better than the last. Every club has the potential to be the one where you find your groove and work out how to dance without looking like a crazed, hairless, overly limby monkey. And you know what, even if none of those things come true, the wandering fragrance of garlic sauce means there’s still hope that a few doors down the street, you are going to purchase and consume the greatest kebab of your life. Now in my experience, clubs may be good or bad, but if you’re someone like me whose dancing is constantly praised for its “enthusiasm”, then no venue is going to turn you into Beyoncé. Unicum, Ginja and Fény will become less offensive, but only because of their numbing effective on your tastebuds. Even the quality of the kebab will be largely dependent on your enthusiasm for and commitment to the aforementioned spirits preceding its consumption. But people – people are the real goldmine of travel. Obviously, there’ll still be people who are mildly bigoted, people who are more than a tad weird, and people who are offensively boring. But sift discerningly through the duds and you’ll find more than a few nuggets of gold donning their backpacks and comfortable walking shoes and populating bargain bunk beds all over the world.

Last year, I embarked on the upper middle class Australian rite of passage that is the Eurotrip. I did not plan to be robbed of my valuables by day three, break up with my significant other, house an ex-dealer, or get abandoned by my bus without any of my belongings at a rest stop in a tiny Polish town. They tell you to expect the unexpected, but let’s be fair, if you think too much about that paradox your head will explode, and if I Boy Scouted out and was “prepared for anything”, there would have been no room in my pack for all that knitwear I accumulated to protect my delicate Australian sensitivities from the modern-day ice age that is winter in Europe. So things happened that I hadn’t planned for and wasn’t equipped to deal with. Though a lot of them seemed pretty damn crappy to start, the silver lining soon overtook the cloud, and that silver lining almost always took the form of a person.

Kicking off my trip with a visit from some gypsies really sucked. Credit cards are pretty essential for travel, and I no longer had any of them, nor did I have my brand new phone or the key to the AirBnb apartment we were renting in which all our possessions were locked. I’ll give you a hint now, the gypsies were not the people in this story that transformed into its silver lining. The gypsies were the worst. I hope their vision got messed up from wearing the prescription sunglasses that they looted from me. The police were also hopeless – no wonder Greece is in such a state. No, the hero of this story was my landlord-to-be, who, upon hearing of my troubles, offered to let me move into the apartment I had arranged a whole month in advance, free of charge, so that I could chill my beans and sort my life out. All I had to face then was a few days worth of crappy regional train connections dodging ticket inspectors and I would be in France, ready to settle down and deal with my problems under a rent-free roof. Within days, the very un-French efficiency of Bank SA had expedited debit cards in my pockets and I was on the road again having offloaded a lot of worries and several kilos of luggage. The subsequent jaunt led me to London, where I befriended a lovely Puerto Rican lad and we spent the majority of our first day of friendship hanging out rolling down hills in a park like gleeful five-year-olds. Londoners stared, affronted. We rollicked on. The rollicking continued when, days after my departure from London, he turned up on my doorstep in the south of France and took up

When strangers become the best of

friends

residency on my living room couch. I soon learnt a little more about his background – about how, in Puerto Rico, he got by dealing in a certain type of leaf, and about how in his late teens, his mother had paid to have him kidnapped and taken to the US to be put into rehabilitation. Well, faaark. This kid had had a tough life. This kid was not someone I would meet at Adelaide Law School or within its related ex-private school social circles. This kid was not like me. What he was though, was the most down to earth person in the world, not only willing but able to find good in everything. His motto was to take the good with the bad, and promptly forget about the bad. Now, given that I was taking eight months off of all real-life responsibilities, that wasn’t too hard to do at the time. The skill is to bring that back home with you. Luckily, so long as you’ve got that notion settled somewhere in your mind, the goodness of human nature unearths it pretty regularly. Take, for example, the aforementioned Bus Trip of Doom. Running late for a bus from Berlin to Krakow after an appropriately large Australia Day/night, I felt a great sense of personal triumph when I actually managed to make it to the bus station predeparture time. Not pre enough to obtain water or any kind of sustenance, though. Don’t worry though, there was going to be a rest stop in four hours. WAIT, FOUR HOURS?

is the sweet relief of basic hydration. I was not living my best life. The sorrowful contemplation of what could only be my impending doom was eventually interrupted when the man next to me answered his brickish late-90s mobile phone. In English. Sweet baby Jesus, there is a God! Oh Richard Dawkins, you got into my head with your infallible reason, but what other explanation is there for my finally happening upon this anglophone in camel slacks!

In the end, they all had something to teach and something to give. And that’s more than a Fény shot or a post d-floor kebab could ever offer.

I eagerly awaited the end of the call before introducing myself and explaining my situation. He offered a synopsis of my story to the rest of the people in the carriage, and before I knew it the previous silence was replaced with a cacophony of Polish and German as the entire population of the carriage jabbered away on their phones attempting to retrieve my bags. After getting nowhere with Deutsche Bahn or the Krakow bus station, my original English-speaking saviour, an Egyptian tour It was worse than Guantanamo. Minutes ticked by guide who had fled during the 2011 revolution, slower than ever before, but finally, we made it to came up with a new plan. In no time, he was on that rest stop. I disembarked enthusiastically, swung the phone to his wife, arranging for her to make over to the ATM to obtain a couple of hundred the hour drive into Krakow in order to meet my zloty with great plans to make it rain in worthless bus at the station and get my bags off it for me. Eastern European currency upon arrival at my All for what? I had nothing to give them. But that final destination, and got my hands on a bottle of didn’t matter. They weren’t in it for personal gain. water and a sandwich quick smart. Well, perhaps They were just helping out a person in need, and I not quick smart enough. I returned in confusion couldn’t have been more grateful. to the bus bay from which I had departed oh-sobriefly before. I hopefully entertained the notion The kindness of strangers isn’t something we invest that I was at the wrong one, but alas, my bus and ourselves in hoping for, because it’s not something belongings had left me behind in a freezing bus we think about. In our regular lives, we live within station with not one employee who spoke English. safety nets. We mix with the same people in the same social circles and learn the same lessons over Eventually, I found my way to a train station and and over again. But when I found myself alone in a bought a new ticket to Krakow. (Not the grand foreign world, whether mid-catastrophe or just in plans I had had for those zloty, FYI.) I slumped sadly need of a friend, it was strangers who pulled me in my seat, ready at least for the minute reprieve of through. Some were hilarious, a great many were snacks and H2O to sate my hunger and thirst. Talk interesting. Some were a bit weird, some were about rubbing salt in the wound. The sandwich had boring, some were mildly bigoted. But in the end, both the texture and flavour of soil and the water they all had something to teach and something to was of the sparkling mineral variety, which I am as give. And that’s more than a Fény shot or a post a rule opposed to and even more so when all I want d-floor kebab could ever offer. 

This is Allen. Allen is a Crossword Duck. He just loooooves Crosswords. Every Sunday evening, Allen meets up with his friend Crossword Pete. They drink brandy and compare their answers to the Crossword in that morning’s Sunday Mail. Of course, they’ve never missed a word, but it’s nice to have something to talk about.

ACROSS 5 Cocktail made from rum, Coke and a slice of lime (4,5) 7 Prime Minister of New Zealand (4,3) 8 Number 1 song in the Hottest 100 2012 (10) 9 Main ingredient in hummus (9) 13 A common phrase or saying (5) 14 The type of apostrophe used to show ownership (10) 16 The Bachelor’s first name (5) 17 An old single woman, typically with lots of cats (8)

21 22

The crime of killing someone without intent (12) Albus Dumbledore’s sister’s name (6) A curved yellow fruit (6) Supermarket giant (5)

DOWN 1 Capital city of Bolivia (5) 2 Name for your little finger (6) 3 A civil wrong (4) 4 Author of The Great Gatsby (1,5,10) 6 UN Secretary General (3,2,4) 10 Law School building (10) 11 Where you will never find a needle (8) 12 Lead actor in House of Cards (5,6) 15 Australian foreign minister (10) 16 Nautically-themed brand of fish fingers with an exceedingly catchy jingle (8) 20 A receptacle for holding flowers (4)

Set yourself apart with The Hilarian’s top 10 procrastination suggestions

While only a lucky few students are blessed with the requisite concentration and motivation to truly excel in their studies, the vast majority of us are profoundly accomplished procrastinators. After enduring countless hours of displacement activities with the ghostly spectre of study hanging over our heads, our sock drawers are flawlessly arranged, we’ve brushed up on our Friends quotes, done more exercise than we would care for in any regular circumstances, and baked enough cupcakes to feed a small African nation. But here’s the problem – we’ve all done it. In a dog-eat-dog world where you need to be not only skilled but also unique, how can you set yourself apart from the rest of the world?

The answer is simple. Be different. While your classmate quietly vacuums, why not pull apart your own vacuum cleaner and use the parts to rig up a strobe lighting system in your family room? As the girl who used to sit next to you in Admin curses under her breath every time watchseries.com

audaciously claims that its servers are overloaded, why not develop a moustache so finely manicured it would rival that of any self-respecting 1920s Parisian cad? Stop being standard and broaden your horizons with these lesser practiced but equally entertaining procrastination activities.

1. Manufacture complex machinery to facilitate your own laziness, à la Wallace and Grommit

Remember that machine that Wallace had that not only woke him up in the morning, but also dressed him and made him breakfast? Of course you do, it was the fuel of your ’90s childhood dreams. And, while you didn’t appreciate at the time that your mother already did all these things for you, the dream is ever more relevant now that you are supposedly an adult and should be doing them for yourself. Rather than pawing at that textbook you bought because this semester you really were going to do the readings, go grab some cogs and get to work.

at any social gathering once you pull out this party trick. Plus, you are wielding a weapon, which means you can be the hero that breaks up any nearby knife fights that get a little out of hand.

7. Paint the town red

Literally. Swing on down to Mitre 10, buy a few buckets of Solver in ‘Fire Engine Red’, and see how many things you can paint before someone stops you. Wack on a high vis vest before you start and my guess is you’ll last for quite a while.

8. Play a prank

2. Decorate the contents of your fridge

Fruit is a lot funner if it has a face, the regal label on the Dijon mustard jar is truly complemented by some fine glitter-glue detailing, and that milk would look a whole lot better wearing some sort of floral tea-cosy affair. For extra points, cover the light with coloured cellophane for exciting lighting effects! Your cohabitants will love the fun in the fridge that now accompanies every mealtime.

3. Make an ice sculpture

The ice sculpture market is swamped with swans and mermaids, but there’s real space in the market for more adventurous works. Why not try a life-size copy of your favourite celebrity, or maybe a version of your favourite supermarket product? It worked for Andy Warhol, and it can work for you too.

Whether it’s hiding in your housemate’s cupboard for hours in order to jump out and give them a fright, or fashioning a horrendous and ostensibly life-threatening stab wound out of tomato sauce, classic tomfoolery never goes out of fashion.

9. Pretend to be a spy

Follow a stranger around and glance away furtively every time they look in your direction. Take notes of what they are doing. Stake out their home and place of work. Wear a trench coat. See just how long it takes them to freak the hell out and report you to the police.

10. Go drinking with your friends

Let’s be realistic: you’re not getting anything done and you have insufficient motivation for anything else on this list. Given that you’re not going to achieve anything anyway, you might as well be having fun. 

4. Shave your head

It’ll be a fun new look for you. Plus, people might thing you did it for the World’s Greatest Shave. Social conscience is so chic right now.

5. Dress up your pet

Sure, our furry friends are already pretty cute, but they are extra adorable in costume. Feed the internet’s insatiable desire for funny pet pictures by turning your retriever into a robot, your tabby into Tarzan or your shih tzu into a sheikh. The only limit is your imagination.

6. Learn how to twirl fire batons

“Twirling” is not only a fun word to say, but also an impressive thing to do. Attractive and entertaining people will be moths to your flame