the HILARIAN
Contents
The Hilarian - Edition 1, 2015 Published 7th April 2015 Editors James D’Alessandro Patrick Edwards Emily Farrell Elly Zola
Welcome from The Editors WWJD: What Would Jay do? Barrister Barista What I Know Now I Wish I Knew Then Libra and the Law The Simpson’s Guide: Group Members Layperson v Lawperson Upper Middle East Bananas and Bikinis Nonna’s Hubmade Delights Social Pages Monday Nights with Marion Nikki Webster > Leonard Cohen Archetype Quiz Dolly Doctor: Law School Edition
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Constributors: Meg Lowe, Ashleigh Jones, Alex Chu Thankyou to our sponsor Lipman Karas. DISCLAIMER: This publication does not represent the views of the Adelaide University Law School. The University of Adelaide does not endorse this publication. This publication is the sole production of the Adelaide University Law Students’ Society (AULSS). The Hilarian is NOT ‘On Dit’: No political agenda can be found here, if you have some overwhelming desire to participate in political discourse, please get off your high horse, put this magazine down, and leave. We seek to remain a satirical magazine in which publications and pieces remain untainted by politics.
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FRom THe Editors...
James D’Alessandro Greetings inmates of Ligertwood Penitentiary, With our recent renovations that have changed our noble walls from a light beige tainted with the scuffmarks of shoes (which were somehow on the ceiling) to hexagons of purple, blue and purple-blue, so too comes a new era of the Hilarian. Hopefully the combination of an overwhelming number of polygons and this magazine will provide you with an all-natural cure to the adverse health effects resulting from life within these walls. Some rooms in Ligertwood are cold and without heating; there, use this magazine as a blanket. Some rooms are hot and lack ventilation; there, use this magazine as a fan. In those rooms that are just right, where no sweat runs down your brow, find solace in the great stories we have on offer in this fine publication. The Hilarian has been graciously tossed between foster families for years, and as its new parents we have a legacy to continue. That is poor formatting and stories which are in no way beneficial to your successes at law school; that’s for the education and careers team to worry about. Articles on how to survive exams will be met with “be creative and make your answer a limerick or haiku,” not “take deep breaths and use your reading time effectively.” This is what The Hilarian wants, this is what the Hilarian knows, and that is what the Hilarian has been taught to do. 4
...AND A Bit MORE
Elly Zola
Emily Farrell
Patrick Edwards
As your editors, we promise to compromise our already faltering GPAs for the benefit of your sanity. Rather than the study of law making you cry from fear and anxiety, we hope to turn those tears into ones of laughter and joy. We have searched far and wide (within the limits of Adelaide City, so not very far) for people of high public office to mock for your amusement, for establishments where you can seek refuge from that smell of old law books (which seems to be creeping up the stairs from the dungeon, sorry library) and much more. We do all this, cause the Hilarian loves you, and all it asks of you is to love it in return. Like our Instagram and follow us on SnapChat: @thehilarian for both (no illegal or traumatising content please, we just want funny photos for the magazine, not adult images).
we have interviewed the Premier, who is a member of the Labor Party. But he also was an ex-law student and has endured the struggle of the journey all of us have to take. This doesn’t mean we are promoting the Labor-agenda. It means the Premier was awesome enough to meet with us and have some fun. So for those of you that cant help but debate, when you feel that passion firing up inside you, dowse it with a bucket of ‘no one gives a crap about your undesired opinion’ and continue reading. Then everyone will be happy, especially us!
There is no payment for contributing to the Hilarian, but the honour of doing so money cannot buy, so you’re more than welcome to contact us if you wish to contribute, but keep it ‘hilarian’ously funny. Its like the prize for getting the top mark in Equity, even though every other subject gives you money for your display of academic success, equity doesn’t, despite the maxim ‘equity rewards the diligent.’ But it’s still a good feeling. Maybe its because equity deals with everything but money in law, smart!
There will hopefully be four editions, so if you’re reading this, please convince your friends to also grab a copy. Force them to read it like you forced them to watch ‘Breaking Bad’ with you (or ‘Suits,’ the amount of people that have tried to make me watch Suits is unacceptable). In the end, the addiction just fuels itself, and the whole Law School will be rushing to Ligertwood to grab a copy! That is what we want. As is said in the disclaimer, we hate politics, this is not ‘On Dit’ and no one cares about political opinion, this is supposed to be a fun publication. Don’t taint it with your dirty political itinerary. Yes
On the topic of the meeting with the Premier, yes it was real, we didn’t make it up! James went in with the intention of getting a photo to prove to all you evidence hungry lawyers out that there that it did happen, but in the overwhelming fear of facing political banishment, he forgot and ran out of the room. Trust us, it happened. There may be times when we don’t provide sufficient recognition for the intellectual property of another person. Please don’t report us to the authorities, we are but humble law students, we are forgetful, and do not wish to graduate from this jail, only to be shipped to another. We want to leave this jail to put other people in jail for doing naughty things; that is our destiny. However, we will endeavour to publish in conjunction with state and federal publishing and copyright laws.
With this all said, its time for you to turn the page to find out what’s in store for this years edition. We will leave you with the mission statement of this magazine: The Hilarian hopes to lighten up your lackluster life at Ligertwood with laughter. Wow, look at all those L’s! And yes you are allowed to put an apostrophe after L in that circumstance; it is not an editing mishap, but we’re sure that there will be many errors elsewhere. Don’t hate, we are only human. Now we’re just trying to fill space with words. Did you know that The Australian Coat Of Arms has a kangaroo and an emu on it. The reason being, kangaroos and emus can’t go backwards, they can only walk/hop forward. In a joint judgement per D’Alessandro CJ and Zola, Farrell and Edwards JJ. 5
WWJD?
What would Jay Do? In an exclusive interview with The Hilarian, the Premier, Mr Jay Weatherill (N.B. not Weatherall, Whetherall or Whetherill) talks about his times at law school and gives elite tips and tricks on how to survive going through hell and back over the course of your degree. From sleeping in lectures to picking between hard or soft shell tacos, the Premier’s insights are sure to help douse that feeling of insecurity and uncertainty looming at the back of every law students mind.
stand behind me an nod your head!” H: “Excellent, I’ll let
a group you can support each other through the degree. I
them know!”
think you should dive in and enjoy university. Its not about the degree its about the interaction with other students.
H: “Have you ever stolen a pen from work?” J: “Yeah! I
You’re a long time in the work force, you should enjoy the
have a whole draw of them. I collect them and have filled
social opportunities.” H: “Don’t make it you life, make it a
a draw at home.” H: “Was this intentional?” J: “Well there
part of it?” J: “Yes absolutely. Don’t get completely locked
was no intention to deprive the state in the meaning of
into study.”
larceny laws.” H: “What were your favourite or least favourite subjects?” H: “If you could have two celebrity parents, who would
J: “I loved constitutional law and I found evidence
they be?” *The Premier stared out the window, breathing
fascinating as well. I probably would have benefited from
rhythmically in pensive like he was making a serious
being a bit older, but I did find the intellectual challenge of
policy decision* J: “Meryl Streep, as my mother, and
law good, it’s fascinating and helps you think in a certain way.”
Hilarian (H): “You are in a lecture theatre listening to a
federal offices. But I came back to South Australia in
Robin Williams. He would be fun, I mean obviously in
professor for two mundane hours explaining a topic you
1995 and began a law firm here. I can’t remember a time I
his good days.”
have no passion about. What would Jay do?” Jay (J): “Go
wasn’t in politics. You sort of work everywhere and then I
to sleep.” H: “What, in the lecture theatre?” J: “Yeah.” H:
became a member, then a minister, and then the Premier.”
H: “How would you direct someone else on how to cook
questions. Ill give you two options and you need to pick
“Did you ever do that?” *The Premier politely nodded to
H: “So you sat on the grey line between law and politics?”
your omelette?” J: “Oh! Well, you’ve got to whip the
the one that you agree with or support the most.”
confirm he did in fact sleep in some lectures.*
J: “Yeah for the whole time, I was partly motivated by
whites first! And then you put the yolk in. That makes
developing my skills but also having something to
them fluffy!” *The Premier says this with conviction* H:
H: “Soft or hard shell tacos?” J: “Ohh. Hard she— well
fall back on if it didn’t work out.” H: “But it
“I’m sure the Law School will love to know that inside tip.”
its funny you should say that because I had a very nice
H: “Its 9:00pm on a Saturday and you remember that you have a nonredeemable
assignment
due
at
5:00pm the next day. You haven’t started! What would Jay do?” *The
H: “Okay so now we are going to do a quick fire round of
did work out!” J: “Up to this point, but
soft shelled one down at the fringe.” H: “At Zambrero?”
things can change any day, I might
H: “In general, how was your law school experience?”
J: “No, one of those pop-up things. And then again hard
be back on the tools down at the
J: “I came from a public school, so all the “Saints Boys”
shell ones are on the menu tonight, so I’m torn.” H: “It is a
would hang around with each other, and all the other
tough decision to make.”
Magistrates tomorrow.”
Premier pondered for a lengthy
people made friends with each other. Me any my friends
period of time* J: “Ummm…
H: “Rather than sentencing
used to sit up the back of the lectures with the Greeks and
H: “Seinfeld or Friends?” J: “Seinfeld.”
Oh probably go to the Exeter.” H:
people to jail, judges should send
Italians. I was doing a double degree too.” H: “Oh, so you
H: “Family Guy or The Simpsons?” J: “The Simpsons.”
“What if there was a can of Red
people to law school to atone for
had to endure one more year of torture like I’m going to?”
H: “Port Power or Adelaide Crows?” J: “Pft, Port.”
Bull on your desk?” J: “Oh no, no…
their crimes, seeing as its endless
*The Premier laughed* J: “Yeah.” H: “Did you do any extra
H: “Republican or Democrat?” J: “Democrat.”
torture for four or five years. What
curricular activities?” J: “I might have done a little bit of
H: “Liberal or Labor?” J: “...Labor.”
would Jay do?” J: Yeah, I think that’s too
debating, not a lot.” H: “So you studied hard then?” J: “Not
I never did that. I didn’t even drink coffee. I only drank coffee when I got into Gouger Street when I became a lawyer. In those days people used to drink really watered down
cruel, there are some limits to what can be
really.”
done. Sending people to law school could be regarded
H: “Finally, was the dress blue and black or white and gold?” J: “It was bloody blue and black! What are people
coffee from coffee machines, it was pretty unappetising.
as cruel and unusual punishment.” H: “Do you think we
H: “How did you cope without having recorded lectures?
going on about? I don’t understand what people are talking
Coffee has improved since I was at law school.” H: “So you
would get some cries from the Human Rights Council?”
I can watch a lot of my lectures online.” J: “Magnificent,
about!” H: “I’m glad to know the premier is on my side,
would say we have a head start with our velvety smooth
J: “Certainly! It would be out lawed in America because it
but you still got to do it!” H: “Yeah I go to the Law Library
I’ll let the whole Law School know the final verdict.” J: “So
cappuccinos?” J: “Yeah, exactly!”
would be contrary to the Constitution and human rights.”
and watch them, because the smell of old laws really gets
people seriously say its white and gold?” H: “I used to see
me in the zone.” J: “The Law Library was the most soul
it like that so I’m convinced its witchcraft.” J: “Absolutely!”
H: “You realised when you graduate that there are few
H: “Some of my friends are looking for part time work.
destroying place on the planet, no windows, no air, it’s
jobs in law for South Australia. You have the opportunity
Are there any positions available for that person that
hard in there.” H: “Don’t worry, I know.”
to become Premier of the State, or move to find a job in
stands behind you in TV interviews nodding their head?”
one of those Eastern states. What would Jay do?” J: “This
J: “Well it’s usually a member of parliament, so all you
H: “If you could give one piece of advice to a first year
is real! I actually did go interstate and thought about
need is to get 10000 plus one people, generally speaking,
law student, what would it be?” J: “Find a buddy to study
working as a barrister in Melbourne, or working in some
to prefer you than any other candidate and you too can
with, it’s a bit lonely if you do it by yourself. If you work in
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The Hilarian and the AULSS wish to extend their thanks and gratitude to the Premier for his time and eagerness to participate in this interview, despite his office having more pressing issues to attend to. 7
Barrister Barista The connection between law school and coffee is undeniable….you probably have a coffee in your hand or sitting on your desk right now. This year, some of Adelaide Uni’s biggest coffee fans got together and decided to share their passion.
The Adelaide University Coffee Lovers Club was founded by three mates who realised the toll that coffee was taking on their wallets. The lads figured that other people would be feeling the same way and decided to do something about it. Members of the club receive a card that entitles them to discounts at some of Adelaide’s best coffee shops. There are social benefits on joining too, the club has a number of events in the works including a barista competition, free coffee on campus and a coffee crawl feat. Espresso Martini’s. What really ices the cake though, is the care taken by the club in choosing their associated coffee shops. Hipster hot-spot Penny University is included on the list, as well as law-school-local Austin & Austin. The Coffee Lovers Club founders deliberately emphasised creating relationships with quality, city-based cafes. Their aim is not only to create benefits for members, but to support and promote the shops they love.
To sign up: Check out the Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/adelaideunicoffeelovers
Email: coffeelovers@auu.org.au 8
Whats the deal with coffee club membership: $10 sign-up and you’ll get your membership card. You get up to 15% off at selected coffee shops! Monthly social hangouts with $1 coffee Inclusion on the mailing list to find out about new events and deals 9
What I know now that I wish I knew then Have you ever been awake at night, unable to sleep, thinking about every single dumb thing you’ve ever done? Looking back at the early years of law school can be a bit like that. We asked two veterans of the Law School about lessons learned.
Cameron Nicholls - Soon-to-be Graduate I wish I knew that the adage ‘open book exams are easier’ is complete nonsense. Commit to learning the essentials and you’ll have an index in your mind. In a high-pressure situation, relying too heavily on the books openness means death by a thousand paper cuts. I wish I knew that the worse you feel coming out of an exam, the better you did. If you finish an exam and feel good, stand up and briskly walk to the car while you still feel satisfied. If you talk to someone, you are guaranteed to hear them make a point that you missed. The perfectionist in all of us cringes at the notion. Why be stressed before and after your exam? You’re on the front foot now, time to drive on. I wish I knew that the old resolution, ‘I’ll be more organised and studious this semester’ never happens. Embrace your laziness, and rename it ‘personality’. I mean by the time you get to DRE and Evidence, you’re wearing a suit to Uni, so you can’t be all that lazy!
“I’ll be more organised and studious this semester’. Never happens.” I wish I knew how expensive all that reading is. Textbooks, highlighters and never enough bloody printing quota! Go easy on the highlighting when reading cases because judges love to waffle. But 10
your textbook can be a highlighter rainbow. Also get your textbook before your first tute. When that first assignment comes around and you’ve only just started the readings, it cuts severely into your getting ‘crunk’ time. And you deserve to get crunk! I wish I knew that advice offered in first year is actually good advice. If you make some good friends and do (most of) your readings, you will be set. Sometimes law school feels like a big factory, but it is actually filled with some pretty awesome people. Big shout out to Peter Burdon! But don’t expect a smile at the front desk; they’re too busy dealing with pushy gym clad law students!
“Sometimes law school feels like a big factory, but it is actually filled with some pretty awesome people.”
I wish I knew how awesome exchange really is. I have never heard someone come back and say, ‘oh yeah nah, it wasn’t very good. The people you met, the fun you have, it really takes ‘learning’ at University to a new level! Lastly, I wish I knew that pretending Alan Perry is in fact an American Dennis Denuto makes attending his lectures less boring. If only he taught Con law! Cam has just returned from exhange Belgium and claims to have completed his degree despite being spotted “checking out’ classes taught by Peter Burdon.
Emily Flynn - Wallmans Lawyers The grim prospects for employment as a law graduate sat persistently at the back of my mind as I ground through my penultimate and final year of law school. As the finish line fast approached, I was acutely aware that I was not the only person amongst my peers harbouring a nagging anxiety about ‘the future’. It was fair to say that we were all petrified about what we would do once we left Ligertwood through those sliding doors once and for all. What I wish I could tell myself back then is yes, the law graduate employment market is tough. But you can, and will, be ok. Here’s why: It is not all doom and gloom. We all know the outlook for law graduate employment is bleak. But treat this situation like you should the existence of ‘Gogglebox’. Acknowledge that it’s a thing, but just don’t over think it. There are opportunities out there, although you have to put yourself in a good position to be one of the lucky ones. Do stuff, and make it known.
“Making a strong connection between yourself and the role on offer really helps you stand out” Never discount ANY of your experience when applying for jobs so note all of it on your CV. This also goes for your extracurricular activities or hobbies. These qualities are what set you apart from the rest of the punters, and you just never know what will catch the eye of a recruiter. Tell the employer why you want to work for them. Being on the selection committee for the summer clerkship program at Wallmans Lawyers, I find that I am most strongly drawn to candidates who indicate an interest in particular aspects of our clerkship
program, or draw on their own experiences to demonstrate why they would be a good fit in a particular practice area. Even if you have no experience in legal practice, the task of identifying an area of law that you might be interested in is easier than you may think. For example, if you work in a pub you could consider hospitality or licensing law as you actually engage with the relevant law in every shift you work. Making a strong connection between yourself and the role on offer really helps you to stand out. Don’t make it hard for yourself.
“Throw your hat into the ring for everyopportunity you are qualified for” Not referencing the correct name of the firm that you are applying to throughout your cover letter, or addressing the letter to a person at another firm, will immediately put you on the back foot with the recruiter. Unfortunately I have seen this happen. It’s easy to get yourself in a fluster trying to throw your application at every job vacancy before the deadline, but a little diligence will go a long way. Treat yo’ self (to the benefits of submitting lots of job applications). You have to accept that there are a tonne of impressive law students out there. The competition for jobs is freakishly strong. My advice is to throw your hat into the ring for every opportunity that you are even remotely qualified for, including nonlaw ones. Job applications are time consuming, but you never know where they could lead you and the experience is always worth it. Just enjoy being at uni; you can’t wear trackies to work. During her time at law school, Emily was known for her note-taking ability and is now a junior public law solicitor.
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LIBRA and THe LAW
Clerkships at Lipman Karas I started at Lipman Karas as a winter clerk. What immediately stood out in my first week still rings true six years later. LK stands apart for three reasons: the quality of the work; the quality of the people; and the quality of the culture. Work Practitioners at Lipman Karas have the opportunity to work on some of the most complex, challenging and interesting litigation work in Australia and internationally. The matters we work on require thorough legal research and the distillation of large amounts of factual data. Young lawyers at Lipman Karas work directly with principals of the firm, as well as counsel and independent experts, on all aspects of major cases, where national and international firms appear on the opposing side. Typical work includes attending meetings and conferences, conducting research as the basis for submissions and other legal documents, and discussing tactics and case strategy. Within eighteen months of being an associate at Lipman Karas, I found myself assisting in court in the appeal Westpac v The Bell Group Limited, which was, and still is, the largest civil litigation action in Australian history. Currently I am working on another major case, preparing for a trial in the Supreme Court of Western Australia. Other junior lawyers at the firm get similar experience, working on matters not only in Australia, but also in Hong Kong, England and the Channel Islands. Most young lawyers in the profession will never have the opportunity to work on such matters: at LK, you will do so, daily. And yes, there are travel opportunities! People The practitioners and support staff at LK are experts at what they do. They are dedicated, intelligent and conscientious people. It is a firm where you can get unrivalled opportunities to work on major projects, and be taught by some of the leaders in their field. But it’s not all about technical and strategic acumen. The people that work at Lipman Karas are friendly and approachable. There are no over-powering egos. People here understand that the best results are achieved by working as a collaborative team where everyone participates. The relatively small size of the firm
means that every member of the team’s contribution is valued and recognised. Working in teams also allows the firm’s junior lawyers to have daily interaction with the firm’s principals, get hands on experience on how major project litigation is conducted, and hone their research and forensic skills. Culture The culture at a law firm, like any place of work, is extremely important. The firm’s relatively small size means everyone feels included. Outside of work, the firm has an active social and charity portfolio, which organises Friday night drinks, fun runs, charity fundraisers and regular afternoon teas for staff birthdays and other personal milestones. The firm also regularly undertakes pro bono work and has a strong CPD program. Junior lawyers at the firm are given opportunities to run these portfolios, enabling them to not only practice law, but learn about the management side of legal practice, as well as contributing to the community. The firm takes a genuine long term interest in its junior lawyers. After clerking at LK for six months, I took a leave of absence to undertake an associateship with Justice Vanstone in the Supreme Court, then returned to the firm to continue practice. More recently, the firm has been supportive in my undertaking part time postgraduate studies. Other young lawyers at LK have pursued similar paths. Lipman Karas celebrated its 10th birthday in 2014. In the first ten years it has grown from a firm of eleven practitioners to a firm that has a reputation as one of the leading specialist law firms both in Australia and internationally. During this expansion the firm has continued to maintain the same high standards in relation to the work undertaken and the opportunities provided to staff to continually improve and be challenged. There is an ongoing commitment to knowledge, teamwork and thoroughness. It is an exciting place to work. If you think you have what it takes to work on career defining projects with lawyers who are leaders in their field, please apply for a clerkship at Lipman Karas. Lucas Arnold Senior Associate
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A Simpson’s Guide to: Group Members Group Work. Some say it’s a skill. Some say it’s pointless. Either way, we have made a short guide to all the characters you will meet when you undertake the classic group assignment at Law School. But the real question is will you be Bart, Nelson, Milhouse and Ralph? Marge Simpson: The Bossy One If the nagging wasn’t annoying enough, then the pure volume at which this team member feels they need to speak really does the trick. From organizing exactly who is going to do what (and when and how and why…), this person may be the voice of reason in your group, but they sure are a voice you’d rather hear less of. Their special skills include sending hundreds of group Facebook messages a day, and having a larger range of disapproving sighs than your grandmother. Sideshow Bob: The Absentee We all know that person who will appear spasmodically throughout the course of an assignment. They will randomly appear at one group meeting, and then you won’t hear from them until the day the assignment is due. The worst part? Not only do they not contribute positively in any way, but they can’t even finish the job (i.e. kill Bart Simpson). Lisa Simpson: The Workhorse The usual suspect who carries two thirds of the team, does most of the work, and upon completion of the assignment, realises that she hasn’t made any friends with this proverbial salad. And if you don’t get a good grade, you will be able to see the exact moment his/her heart breaks in two. Plus, they sure as hell won’t show up to the post-assignment celebrations. Lionel Hutz: The Make-beleive He wears a suit to every class, tries to engage in witty banter with the Tutor, and he thinks he knows how to distinguish between the truth, and “The Truth” (or being a douchebag, and being “A Douchebag”). He is just your average ‘Law Talkin’ Guy’…. Disliked by all, loved by none. Mayor Quimby: The proud member of young (whatever) society Just count your blessings that this is group assignment is in a Law subject, not a Politics one. Not that this person seems to notice, astonishingly managing to bring even the most obscure of laws found in the Personal Property Securities Act back to how the political party at the other end of the spectrum is just soooo misguided. If, by the end of the assignment you still don’t think you have heard ‘Vote Quimby’ or equivalent sprung from their mouths enough, then be sure to add them on facebook. Their wall is the ‘Maison Derriere’ of reasoned political debate. Krusty the Clown: Those with the ‘Law School Humour’ This rare breed of law student likes to think they are the funniest students under 14
the Ligertwood roof (cough the Hilarian Editors cough). We all know the law needs to lighten up on occasion, but these students take any opportunity available to crack a poorly timed legal pun, or even bust out the tried, and very not true, legal themed pick up lines such as ‘may I court you this evening?’ or even better ‘Hey baby, wanna commit some torts against my person?’ Just like Krusty, these students unapologetically steal to prop themselves up, and have a disgruntled sidekick who is sick of their shit. Maggie: The Mute That one who somehow manages to be a part of a group, yet say absolutely nothing. The quality of work they produce, however, is as surprising as who shot Mr. Burns… Barney: The Drunk While no law student likes to admit that they are the Barney, for many of us the thrill of free drinks at Law Ball brings out a bit of the tap dancing, duff guzzling and gutter lying in all of us. But of course, some law students need a bit of that sweet sweet nectar to get them through assignment time; or just Monday. A true Barney is known to Instagram by pictures of their late night assignment work, coupled with a luxurious looking glass of what is surely cask red wine. Milhouse: The Unlucky One He is the one that you can trust to have their computer crash the night before the assignment is due. Every damn time. ‘Trust me Bart, it’s better to walk in on both your parents than on
just one of them.’
Ralph Wiggum: The Idiot Bless him. So simple, so innocent. Too dumb, even for ‘Bovine University”, he’s the kid you cant help but love. Until it comes time for group work, when he choo choo chooses you. With him in your team, there’s virtually no chance that at the end of the semester you will be able to cheer ‘I beat the smart kids, I beat the smart kids!!’ Mr Burns: The One Who is Happy to Cheat This law school character is willing to do anything to get ahead. This future lawyer is as scheming as Monty Burns, and has no qualms with releasing the hounds. This student is most at home in their natural environment, outside exams with piles of previous law student notes, not happy enough to just stick to the Lim notes like the rest of us. Some men hunt for sport, others hunt for food. The only thing this guy is hunting for is a friend that will collude. Martin: The Annoying Member of the AULSS You managed to get stuck in their group after sitting too close to them during the first seminar. Since then, you’ve received a barrage of AULSS election propaganda, event invitations, and information about a GDLP you won’t be doing for another 3 years. Even though they know all you really care about is Law Ball. Homer Simpson: The Prestigious Underachiever Despite being ridiculously underqualified and incompetent in everything they do, this law student firstly somehow managed to get into law, and secondly somehow manages to pull off a solid mark for assignments despite their complete lack of skill. Their carefree attitude and sheer disregard for success is both charming yet infuriating. You constantly think to yourself “I wonder how many bonus points they got to get into law?” All images remain the property of FOX. Pls don’t sue us, we are but humble law students.
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LayPERSON v LawPERSON The Hilarian explores some of the differences between a layperson’s vocabulary and a lawyer’s vocabulary. These differences in language originated from the Court of Chancery like everything else in law, when the Lord High Chancellor used their conscious to expand the English language. Originally the two definitions were vested in different dictionaries, but today they are administered by a single unified dictionary.
The firm belief in the reliability, truth, or ability of someone or something.
An establishment with the primary purpose of serving alcoholic beverages.
A formal examination of evidence by a judge, typically before a jury, in order to decide guilt in a case.
Preventing success or development; harmful; unfavorable.
having sound judgement; fair and sensible; based on good sense and personal judgement.
the value of a mortgaged property after deduction of charges against it.
The 22nd letter in the ISO basic Latin alphabet. Pronounced vee.
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TRUST
The incomprehensible unwanted child of equity that every law student hopes to, but never will, understand.
BAR
Some obscure term relating to the process of being admitted into practicing the legal profession.
TRIAL
A giant pain in the ass that only occurs after months, if not years of settlement negotiations.
ADVERSE
In regards to possession of real property, a means of acquiring legal title through legally allowable theft.
REASONABLE
A word giving a judge free reign to do what they want, when they want to a person standing before them.
EQUITY
V
A branch of law seperate from the Common Law which causes confusion in all law students.
And or against. NOT versus, that is the laypersons usage.
the Upper-Middle East Let’s face it, Adelaide isn’t a marxist utopia, class exists. My middle-class bunker was blown to bits when a handsome stranger called me out big time.The thing about the high-horse is....it’s bloody high. Falls Festival, Lorne, 2014. We have just arrived, our allocated campsite is on a slope sharper than a graph depicting Nickelback CD sales since ’08. The whining has commenced; “We should have come earlier”, “I’m like, totally gonna roll out the door”, “I can’t even”. Conversation quickly turns to a handsome stranger in the camp next door. He has a brown mop of hair that says “I woke up like this” in a way that Beyonce couldn’t begin to comprehend. A crooked but charming smile, a timeless baby blue t shirt; all the good stuff. Immediately the womenfolk of our camp give this lucky chap the whispered nickname “Baby Blue”. As self-appointed alpha male of our camp, I am appropriately threatened.
IT’S A TRAP! I decide the best defence is a good offence. I approach Baby Blue, we make small talk. My camp have noticed I have made a move and their curiosity is clear. The conversation turns down the usual path taken by young people in South Australia. Baby Blue asks: “So where in Adelaide are you from?”, (Bear in mind that at this point I am aware that Baby Blue and co. are from the other side of town, near the last train stop). This is a trap so obvious Admiral Akbar would even have to say it. I try to sound casual by saying “Oh you know, the Eastern Suburbs, its not too bad”. Baby Blue responds “Oh so you’re a rich boy”. WHAT?! ME? A RICH BOY? I am immediately shocked and offended. How dare he profile me
based on my locale? I mean, I profiled him, but I didn’t say anything. I tore off my Gucci sunglasses in disbelief. I spent the rest of the festival enjoying the view from the moral high ground. I retained this self-indulgent position for a while but it didn’t really last after some honest conversations with friends and family. This is where I fell off the high horse:
“Everyone wants to be in the middle” 1 - I am a Rich-Boy Hold onto your monocles people, not a richboy in the sense that I drive around a Bentley, handing out hundred dollar bills to anyone that doesn’t have Foxtel, but I’ve never worrried about money, my parents worked hard and I was lucky. 2 - I am a Snob I began to wonder about my situation. Why was I so offended? I feel like everyone wants to be in the middle. After all, its honourable, what privilege you have is earned by hard work. I think that maybe I was in denial about my situation, taking a position of self depracation. I still dont know what I should I have said to Baby Blue in response to his accusation. Maybe I should have just laughed and carried on with the conversation, but then denial is not just a river in Egypt. Though I’m not sure about where I sit in the scheme of snobbery. I think back to my first ever contracts class when some guy stood up and said “So, What TER did everyone get?” (TER is what old people got for an ATAR). I take comfort in knowing I’ll never be THAT guy. I really should have told him to shut the F up. Nobody likes a snob. Hot tip: If someone asks where in Adelaide you are from, or what ATAR you got, or “who are you wearing?” dont even respond. Its a trap!
BANANAS and BIKINIS
As you have probably heard, social media and fitness juggernaught Bikini Girl is in the process of suing rival fitness “expert”, Banana Girl. Undoubtedly this will be coming up in next years Torts course so we thought we’d make things easier for you by writing a case summary of a comparable quality to the fabled “Lim notes”:
Assuming you want a sustainable meal to get you through those next 664 pages of Westpac v Bell, we have kindly put together a three-course recipe sourced from ingredients purely found in The General Store, using only appliances found in the Hub.
DETERMINED IN THE
HIGH COURT OF LIGERTWOOD __________________________________________ BIKINI GIRL . . . . . . . . . . PLAINTIFF
Entree: Sesame & Cheese Savoury Bites
AND
BANANA GIRL. . . . . . . . . . DEFENDANT
}
Basic Bitch — Fitness Fanatics — Social Media — Intragram Followers — Key Board H. C. OF L. 2000-2015. Warrior — IDGAF — Perpetuation of the impossible — Ombre — Get the London Look — Defamation — Misleading and Deceptive Conduct — Tort of Annoying Society 2015, Banana Girl posted some mean stuff on social media; Bikini Girl’s feelings were January 13 - 30 ______ hurt. Banana Girl claims Bikini Girls’ Bikini Body Guides encourage ‘starvation.’ Bikini Girl has 2.4 Million Instagram followers, while Banana Girl only has (2015) 1 HLRN 1 223,000 (LOL). Banana Girl’s case is being bankrolled by the Australian Banana ______ Growers Association (Probably). Banana Girl is not that girl from high school with Pitbull CJ. the same nickname; she got it for a different reason. Brown, Bridges JJ.
Arguments Banana Girl: I love bananas, people should eat more bananas, I eat 51 a day, isn’t that cool? Follow me on instagram, I like bananas. I am allowed to say what I want about Bikini Girl because of my first amendment rights. You can’t sue me, I’m only 3 because I was reborn in 2012 when I became a vegan. Held: (1) Pitbull CJ found Bikini Girl’s argument persuasive, it is unethical for someone to make someone feel bad about themselves using social media, and then profit from that.
Can’t be f*ck*d walking the extra 100m to Renaissance food court? Have Taste stopped serving their delicious, surprisingly well-priced baguettes and you’re anxious that Grass Roots is possibly infested with maggots and that that tuna you found in your vegetarian roll that one time was actually sliced witchetty-grub? Look no further than convenience wonderland, The General Store, where the staff are so f***ing smiley it’s like you’ve walked into Paradise Community Church during one of Guy Sebastian’s live “join-in” performances of ‘Angels Brought Me Here’.
REPORTS OF CASES
Arguments Bikini Girl: My feelings were hurt. She’s jealous about my success so she said things that were hurtful. I might make less than $10 Million this year because of it, which sucks. She only said the things she did as a publicity stunt and she deliberately picked on something I am sensitive about, ironically she is trying to profit from my insecurity. It’s horrible.
NOnna’s hubmade delights
Main: Homemade Laksa Dessert: Chocolate S’mores Ingredients: 3 x Golden Days Original Sesame Snap packets 1 x Mainland Tasty Cheese and Crackers packet 1 x 250g Bag of coconut crisps 1 x 250ml Bottle of Milk 1 x Beef Jerky packet 1 x Can of tuna 1 x Pack of Vege Chips 2 x Maggi Two Minute Noodles 1 x Pack of Digestive Biscuits 2 x Freddos METHOD Sesame & Cheese Savoury Bites: Line up for a toasty iron. Once in occupation, remove the fury green substance that has built up over the last two years and switch iron on. Lay out eight of your Sesame Snaps. Remove the four rectangular processed cheese slices from their little compartment and place them each on a separate Sesame Snap. Place the other four Sesame Snaps on top of the cheese as you would a sandwich. Place in toasty iron and toast for five minutes. Voila!
Laksa: Pour coconut crisps into milk, shake carton and let settle. Break beef jerky strips into little bits, drain tuna and combine the two. Use boiling water tap to cook noodles (if you need instructions on how to cook two minute noodles, drop out). Once cooked, drain half of the water and add the protein. Stir well. Add the coconut crisp infused milk and microwave on high for two minutes. Once heated through, crumble Vege Chips and use them as garnish.
Chocolate S’mores: Put Freddos in microwave for thirty seconds, try to do this secretly as the likelihood of horrified looks is high. Lay out eight biscuits and scoop half a melted Freddo on each. Top the biscuit with another biscuit, as you would a sandwich, and toast.
(2) Brown J rejected that Banana Girls claim to her first amendment rights on the basis that this isn’t the United States of America. (3) Bridges J found that both parties were guilty of perpetuating the idea of an “ideal body” which could never actually be attained. This is unethical because the ideal body would probably actually just be wheels, one eye and a hole for pizza.
You’re welcome! Nonna Zola. 18
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Social pages
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21
Monday nights with marion Wowza! What another chock-a-block episode of Neighbours! From trauma to tenderness to Toadie - last night’s episode was better than that time I saw Matthew Primus buying eggs at Coles. Now as you know, all this week I’ve been desperate to see some romantic development between whippersnappers, Stingray and Skye. So when I sat down with a hot cup of Jarrah in my hands and saw that this episode was starting in good ol’ Erinsborough High School, I was already on the edge of my futon. Whilst I was hoping Stingray would finally work up the courage to ask Skye out, it was a nice twist to see Skye show some “lady-balls” and court him. Talk about writing for a modern audience!
The Whale Rider. I can smell the Logie from here! Meanwhile, over at number 93, power-couple Scott and Charlene are still having problems. All Charlene wants is a bun in the oven but all spunky Scott wants to do is tank beers with his best mate, Joe Scully. As a four-time divorcee, it sounds like someone needs a wake-up call!! No visit to Ramsay Street would be complete however without stopping by Toadie’s house. Since the death of his 4-minute wife Dee last week (rest in peace), Toadie has been a blubbering sook. But after a chance encounter last night with new face, Nina (Delta Goodrem), it looks like the scallywag we all know and love may be back! Will she be the one for Toadie or are those innocent eyes of hers deceiving? Only time will tell.
Stingray isn’t exactly the kind of bloke I’d let my granddaughter go steady with but I’d like to see him and Skye together to give those uncouth youths (excuse my language) over at Summer Bay a run for their money. Unfortunately however, it wasn’t all sunshine and lollipops for the rest of Ramsay Street. Susan is still looking for her figurative marbles much to the pleasure of the pesky Paul Robinson, who – as was revealed last night – has actually been storing them in his bedroom closet along with Zeke’s sexuality. Hopefully both of these things will come out by Christmas break. Back to Susan however, I must say, her performance was absolutely stellar. From her tears of confusion to her blank stares towards Karl – I haven’t seen a performance this riveting since that young lady in 22
Sure, this episode still left a lot of questions unanswered – like where is Harold? Will Flick ever return and answer Stuart’s proposal? And when is Guy Sebastian going to guest star? – but it was still a touchdown in my eyes. All in all, characters may come and go, but Ramsay Street is forever. 7 thumbs up.
sealed section 23
NIKKI WEBSTER > LEONARD COHEN
ARCHETYPE QUIZ What is it about studying Law at the UOA? It’s probably just the unspoken sentiment that law students are better than everyone. Wondering the halls of Ligertwood, you’re guaranteed to see a few archetypes of law students. Take this quiz and see you’re just blissfully unaware of the pretentious stereotype that you actually are.
Before the likes of Ariana Grande and Miley Cyrus
of genres such as neo-bluegrass and deathcore,
ruled the airwaves with their filthy drops and
without Webster, there would be no Aphex Twin, no
tantalising outfits, there was but one precocious star
Kanye West and certainly no Three Doors Down.
captivating the hearts of Australians: Nikki Webster.
In spite of this vast amalgamation of influences, it’s Webster’s ‘Courtney Love-meets Bessie Smith’
During her reign on the charts, Webster may have
vocals that really provide this track with its addictive
seemed like just another brick in the wall, simply
flavour. From those candid “woah-ohs” to lines
designed to produce a profit and preoccupy preteens. But in retrospect, this rosy-
like “there’s no question at all / boy, your tops on my list”, there’s an indisputable
cheeked teen was a class above the
sincerity entrenched in her voice
rest. She was a visionary. A pioneer.
that suggests that this latex-clad teen
The David Bowie of the new
holds wisdom beyond her 14 years. A
millennium.
point that becomes even more evident when one closely examines the lyrical
Just take a listen to her magnum
content.
opus “Strawberry Kisses”. Glazed with a Brian Eno-esque production value, this was
Whilst some may mistake this song for just
one of the first pop songs to defy typical genre
another pre-pubescent love song or a vulgar allusion
constructs. Showcasing a monstrous yet delicate
to menstrually-enhanced cunnilingus, it can also
combination of Slayer-inspired guitar work, EDM-
be read as a covert commentary on the budding
esque sensibilities and slicing power chords that
relationship between Australia and East Timor in
recall the reign of Boston – it’s safe to say that
the early 2000s. A topic so controversial that not
modern music would not be what it is today without
even musical anarchists, Rage Against The Machine
“Strawberry Kisses”. Paving the way for the creation
dared to take it on.
24
Reading Material: a) I’m not really into reading, but I flick through The Advertiser that Dad leaves on our sandstone kitchen bench every morning. b) Lolita, On The Road, A Clockwork Orange and One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest. c) The Economist, The Wall Street Journal and The Australian. Which event TOPS your social calendar?: a) Law Ball, DUH. b) I do not frequent uni events, as they are crowded with neo-fascists. c)The Australian Law Schools’ Association conference! Party Time!! Coffee order?: a) Skinny Latte or Pressed Green Juice b) Double shot half almond, half coconut milk latte with spices. c) Short black, extra hot.
Hottest nightspot to frequent?: a) Go Go Lady Boy (Formerly known as Tijuana Showgirls!) and Laneway for chilled nights b) Supermild and The Exeter c) After work drinks at The Gallery or The Collins Bar are my go to. What’s yo’ style?: a) I always like to go visit my mates at the Ralph Lauren counter in David Jones. b) I op shop most of my clothes, spending money on brands is just commodity fetishism at its finest. c) Corporate. Corporate. Corporate. Preferred method of exercise?: a) Footy or rowing practice just about does it for me. b) Well, I like to minimize my carbon footprint as much as possible, so riding my bike around the city and Croydon keeps my skinny jeans fitting well. c) The law firm I’m clerking at has a gym so I go before work.
Mostly A’s – Congratulations! You’re mainstream pretentious! There’s not a lot to say about the A’s really. They’re into organized sport, rowing or footy, or both, as we mentioned before. They also love the fancy brands and being apart of Adelaide’s Elite – XOXO Law School Girl. Mostly B’s – Congratulations! You’re Indie pretentious! Being this alternative isn’t easy. Between bike riding, saving the whales and going to WOMAD, the year can fill up pretty quick. B’s are likely to go on to do something for the good of mankind with their degree… Just like the vegetarianism already does. Mostly C’s – Congratulations! You’re corporate pretentious! These women and men are keen to climb the ladder of law school. Clerkship after clerkship, they’re on the road to success! Down time… what’s that? C’s are all about the part time jobs while studying… but hey, at least they might have jobs at the end of their law degree – which is more than you can say for the B’s. 25
Your Anon Concerns Continue...
DOLLY DOCTOR: LAW SCHOOL EDITION Dear Dolly Doctor,
Dear Dolly Doctor,
Dear Dolly Doctor,
Dear Dolly Doctor,
I’m 18 and I’m my first year of Law and I really need
I’m really ashamed to admit this but lately I’ve been
Over the past week it’s been really painful when
I have a pretty big family and we always have lunch
your help! There’s this guy in my Torts class that I
taking “No Doze” to get me through each day at uni.
urinate. It started around about the first time I used
every Sunday. About a year a go, I started secretly
have INSANE chemistry with and I’m pretty sure he
I’m so embarrassed because I’m only a first year but
the Ligertwood bathrooms this semester. I overheard
kissing my cousin and it’s since progressed into
asks me for a pen every week just to flirt with me.
they help focus in Foundations of Law and on all the
someone taking in the law library about how you
a more serious relationship. He’s so amazing and
There’s just one catch, he’s a 45-year-old mature aged
hot girls in my seminar. Is this bad for me?
can get Chlamydia from toilet seats. Do you think
I really love him. I’m a law student and he’s a med
I’ve contracted Chlamydia from the Ligertwood
student - it’s pretty much perfect. Is it okay if I marry
bathroom?
my cousin? Could you also inform me about the
student with three children. We’re meeting up to do
Help me,
our small group discovery assignment on Saturday
Druggy Dozer
night… do you think I should make a move?
Urgent,
Thanks,
legality of this? Kind regards,
Chlammy Cool Mint
Cousin F**ker
Mature Mess
Dear Druggy Dozer,
Dear Chlammy Cool Mint,
We endorse the use of No Doze, Coffee, Red Bull, V,
Normally, it is not possible to contract Chlamydia or
Mother, Adderol and Ritalin to get you through your
any other STD from a toilet seat. HOWEVER, seeing
Thanks for your question. We’re not going to lie, this
degree. While a healthy diet can be of some benefit,
as your case involves the Ligertwood bathrooms, we
GOOD NEWS FOR YOU: IT’S LEGAL IN
is a pretty fucked up situation. Someone once said,
recent studies have shown that the listed products
would suggest visiting your GP as soon as possible.
AUSTRALIA. That doesn’t mean it isn’t super freakin’
“Love has no boundaries” but seriously Hun, surely
will help you do better in the long run. As a first
Over the years, there have been various outbreaks
weird. You’ll probably lose all of your family and
there are a few pubescent first years that you could
year, you will start on the soft stuff, then by the time
of The Clap originating from Ligertwood, resulting
friends. However, your high school peers are likely to
set your sights on? Check yourself before you wreck
you’re sitting in a DRE seminar, Ritalin and you will
in an undisclosed amount of fatalities. Get that
regularly follow your Facebook updates to see about
yourself. Focus all that “Chemistry” on getting an
be best friends. On a side note, binge drinking and
shit sorted immediately and stop writing in to a
what you your cousin/lover are up to. This kind of
HD, instead of getting The D.
frequent visits to Le Sing Karaoke Bar will assist in
publication that takes three months to answer your
relationship makes great gossip for coffee catch up
passing time and getting you through the degree.
questions.
with school friends.
Dear Mature Mess,
Kind regards, DD 26
DD
DD
Dear Cousin F**ker,
DD 27
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