N A I R A L I H
E D I A ADEL L O O H C S W LA Maximise grades
EDITION 2
without doing the
A must-have for all
Law Students Patrick McCaffrie Will Maitland Lily Black James Stewart
THE HILARIAN 02/2012 -1-
readings!
L I P M A N
K A R A S
LK L I P M A N K A R A S
Local Presence
Global Opportunities
Lipman Karas is a specialist legal practice representing corporate, government and private clients.
A career at Lipman Karas provides opportunities and experiences that are unrivalled in South Australia.
With offices in Adelaide, Hong Kong and London, our team has a proven track record of consistently outstanding results in some of the most challenging, complex and high profile commercial litigation in the Asia Pacific region and internationally.
Lipman Karas offers practitioners a chance to work with lawyers who are recognised as leaders in their field on litigation projects, investigations and inquiries that are unique in both magnitude and complexity across many jurisdictions. Clerkship applications close 22 April 2012. For information regarding the application process please visit www.lipmankaras.com
a specialist legal practice
Adelaide | Hong Kong | London
THE HILARIAN 02/2012 -2-
Contents 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 10. 11. 17. 18. 20. 22. 23. 24. 26. 28. 30.
From the Editors Letters to the Editors News of the Week On This Day... Autocorrect Dada Welcome to the First Year Reps The LSS Reports Who Said That? Constitutional Law for Dummies Torts for Dummies Equity for Dummies Adelaide Law School for Mature Age Students Should I Be in the LSS? Neighbourhood Watch A Dressing Dilemma Classifieds
Editors: Will Maitland, James Stewart, Lily Black and Patrick McCaffrie Contributors: James Apps, Chris Maitland, Katherine Beazley, The AULSS for 2012 Publisher: Rainbow Press This publication does not represent the views of the University of Adelaide Law School. This publication is not endorsed by the University of Adelaide Law School or the University of Adelaide generally. This is a satirical publication and it is the sole production of the University of Adelaide’s Law Students’ Society. THE HILARIAN 02/2012 -3-
FROM THE EDITORS Welcome to the second issue of The Hilarian! Sorry for the delay but nothing about ‘seconds’ is easy. The second album has killed the career of many musicians, although perhaps not as many as we’d have liked (I’m looking at you Mozart!), the second novel un-does many previously successful ‘writers’ and seconds themselves are notoriously uncooperative with Swiss Watch-Makers who have repeatedly bemoaned their belligerent attitude towards accurately reflecting time. And while we hope that the second Hilarian does not kill the franchise, obviously certain editors would sympathise with that outcome. All of this consideration of the ‘second’ made us wonder whether anything could in fact be harder than ‘seconds’. While we couldn’t come up with an answer, ‘a law degree’ did fit our purposes. So we’ve dedicated ourselves to producing ‘Law School for Dummies’; a series of simple, easy-to-follow guides to important subjects like constitutional law, torts, equity and important law school matters such as the LSS. These guides are all you’ll need to get through Law School. Trust us. Seriously. Do it. Throw away your books and rely on us! Apart from providing you with a sure-fire HD-recipe, we look at the history of this day, give some out of luck law students a shout on our personals page, examine the revival of an obscure form of poetry through an unlikely source and re-print reports on the various activities and goings on of the Law School Students activities. Importantly, we will also tell you whether your neighbour is a criminal. That seems sort of serious, although our treatment is sort of less so. So go on, abandon any pretence of intelligence and turn the page… Love from your affable yet diaphobic eds.
THE HILARIAN 02/2012 -4-
LETTERS TO THE EDITORS Dear Annie,
Dear Eds, I’m thinking of doing a clerkship but I’m still not sure about which law firms to apply to. I desperately crave the soul-destroying drudgery of office life but I have no clue which firm has the most appropriate floor-plan to maximise harm to myself. Help me!!!
Start with a pen. Stick it in your eye. Then take that pen out of your eye and stab it into your other eye. Then take that pen out of your other eye. Place the pen on your desk. Scream. Repeat. Eds.
Dear Eds,
Jason. Dear Jason, Decisions, decisions.We know nothing about applying for clerkships, we’ve never done one ourselves although we hear bad things. If you are really desperate to get a clerkship we recommend whoring yourself out to as many law firms as possible and hoping for the best. We would suggest that when you send the letters out, include a candy cane in the envelope and a love-heart on the front.
I’m worried about the drab state of our law school: the grey courtyard, grey building, uninspiring lecture theatre and unwelcoming law library. It surely makes learning harder and contributes to mental health problems. Why don’t we make our law school really snap with some renovations; add some colour to the law library and get rid of those boring black chairs in the law lecture theatres? Regards, Harriet
Eds. Dear Harriet,
Dear Eds, Have you got any tips on how best to study for Foundations of Law? I’m a nervous first year student who really wants to succeed but am worried I’m not doing enough work? Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks, Annie.
We’ve got a neon sign! What more could you want?
Confused about ejusdem generis? Need advice on how to woo that sexy secondyear in your property tute? Hilarian Eds have none of the answers but plenty of abuse! Email: hilarian.klap@gmail.com.
THE HILARIAN 02/2012 -5-
News of the Week GOVERNMENT HALTS SNUFF FILM TRADE UNTIL STUNNING INTRODUCED Chris Maitland The Australian government has halted the lucrative snuff film trade with Germany until stricter stunning laws are introduced. Footage of humans being slaughtered inhumanely has shocked the Australian public and prompted the Gillard government to place a temporary ban on all snuff film imports, until the German government agrees to introduce mandatory stunning laws. On the set of Cameron’s Abattoir
Snuff film producers are in outrage and say the moratorium is costing the industry millions of dollars plus the livelihood of hundreds of snuff film actors. “The government has taken an axe to our hardworking people” said outraged Rotenberg snuff director Armin Meiwes. “That’s our job”. The ban has delayed the release of the latest Carrion film, a James Cameron feature called Abattoir.
STUDY A BROAD MIX-UP
?
Will Maitland A Torrens Park man has today announced that he enrolled in the Adelaide University Study Abroad programme mistakenly thinking that he was taking a ‘Women’s Studies’ course. James Delaware, a 20 year old Law/Arts undergraduate, said that he overheard two girls in his Italian class discussing their plans to join the programme and, without first checking the course description, enrolled via AccessAdelaide.
“I was keen to get involved in the gender issues that have plagued our society for generations”, Mr Delaware is quoted as saying, “But now I’m enrolled in Jordan, where women’s rights are at an all time low.” “It’s very deceptive,” he continued, “Adelaide should think of a better name for its overseas study department”. Regretfully, James did not become aware of his mistake until after the census date and he is now faced with a dilemma: to take the international course he has paid for or to drop out and leave himself stranded in a foreign country with no money, an unfortunate skin colour, and - most distressingly - a ‘fail’ on his academic transcript. Fortunately for James there are many Sharia law courses offered at the University of Amman, an internationally renowned educational establishment. While some of these courses deal with ‘Women’s Studies’, most involve what some would consider pornography, and what many more would consider ‘paedophilia’. THE HILARIAN 02/2012 -6-
On This Day...
Patrick McCaffrie
in 1922 cricketer Gerald Hayward set a world record for the most number of wides bowled in an over. Hayward bowled a record 53 wides in one over after losing both of his contact lenses in a dressing-room stoush with vicecaptain Preston McWalter over the political ramifications of the Belfast South Local Council by-election earlier that year. Embarrassed about his poor eye-sight, Hayward battled manfully through the over which all but handed victory to the touring Indians. Forever after he would be known as Gerald Hey-wide.
The bust used to kill Mr Wipplebone
Heyward’s 36th wide narrowly missed the Prime Minister as he was leaving the ground in disgust
in 1949 poet laureate Bernard Harrid etched his name in history after being caught-up in an on-stage brawl at England’s annual ‘Lancashire Poetry Festival. While delivering his poem ‘The Many Ways I Hate Arthur Wipplebone’,Wipplebone, a rival poet, stormed the stage and attacked Harrid with a nearby thesaurus. Harrid struck back, smashing a bust of T. S. Eliot over Wipplebone’s head and killing him instantly. The subsequent riot, in which the twodozen festival attendees knocked over two tables, spoiling four tea cakes, a bag of tea and a plate of Apricot slice, was immortalised in the 1961 film ‘The English Poet’, the reel of which was incinerated after its first showing.
in 1976 a perverted Australia Post employee printed and issued a series of 12 stamps with naked photographs of other Australia Post employees. The series of 12 stamps depicted 11 workers (one particularly obese employee was depicted over 2 stamps) and is much sought after by stamp collectors and, given the suspected age of 2 workexperience employees, paedophiles. One of the stamps in question. (to order a book, send an email to stamps@australiapost.org.au with the code word ‘tramp-stamp’)
THE HILARIAN 02/2012 -7-
By James Apps Dada poetry was once commonly created by cutting letters out of the newspaper and throwing them around any which way. Is it still possible in the modern age? Thanks to Apple’s autocorrect feature, this form of poetry is back in fashion! We are lucky enough to have samples from some of the world’s foremost Autocorrect Dadaists and Dadistas. Enjoy.
THE HILARIAN 02/2012 -8-
SKINS: ‘Sponsoring Breivik a Bad Decision’
A spokesperson for the sports clothing brand SKINS has today conceded that sponsoring Anders Behring Breivik was a poor management decision. “We are appalled at the inhumane way in which Mr Breivik has acted over the past few months” said Andrew Wilson, CEO of the multinational manufacturer; “and we only regret that, without the superior comfort and enhanced performance offered by our product, Mr Breivik may have never succeeded in carrying out the atrocities that occured at the Utøya Summer Camp in Tyrifjorden”. In an attempt to compensate for the loss, the company is offering one free ‘SKINS for Recovery’ compression bodysuit to the family of each of the victims. THE HILARIAN 02/2012 -9-
Hilarian Welcomes the new First Year Representatives! Report from the survivors. The untold story Ben Atkinson and Miranda van Heuven First year at law school: where one learns to discover one’s self through the studious interpretation of acts, case law and the Constitution. Yet. What we are able to take away from this so far is a feeling of lowered expectations, shattered dreams, weeping souls and a forlorn sense of expression that law school was not as we first thought. In the open mouthed words of Steven Donoghue, the surreally monstrous level of monotonous readings was incalculably unfinishable. But what we would soon learn, through the guidance of those who had trodden these steps before us, was that survival was possible.
Ben Atkinson
Phase One: Initiation
0900h: We had survived the trials of Access Adelaide, and had found ourselves enrolled in first year law. O-Week was upon us, and we braved the unfamiliar territory of a building the natives call: “Masonic Hall,” pronounced “mah-son-eek harr-l” in the native tongue. Thick, wanker accents detected, of the pretentious law-locals. The Captain (informally referred to as “The Dean”) advised us of our mission: (unfortunately, due to a lack of sufficient nutrition and sleep deprivation, a temporary zone out was experienced, and we are yet to be informed of our goal). However, we must progress with confidence. In the words of their deity, “doubt is a disease. It infects the heart, and then the mind” – Kirby J. Phase Two: Social acclimatisation
Miranda van Heuven
2100h: We arrived in a pack, eager to identify the other like tribes from the hostiles. Many tribe leaders (LSS) were circling the premise, keen to teach us the ways of law school. These events appear to be a common ritual, with Sue Me swiftly approaching. The first of our dreams were quashed as the startling fact that by mid year, only fifty per cent of the first year tribe would remain. The race was on, a survival of the fittest. We set out to be harder, faster, better, stronger, and more articulaterer.
Phase Three: Survival of the fittest 1600h: Our first assignment was rapidly approaching. Our weekly compulsory congregations were proving of little aid with the tribal leader Bernadette spittin’ faster than Busta Rhymes: False imprisonment had Rixon stuck in a cell, Battery had Scott feeling mell(ow). Greaves was assaultin’ the police, But they were just trying to keep the peace. From this rigorous outset, we have come to conclude that the law school is an unruly, wild manifestation of pretentious words, copious readings and arrogant twats. THE HILARIAN 02/2012 - 10 -
President’s Report Sophie Waples The AULSS has been extremely happy with the way this year has been going. All of our events, seminars and competitions have gained widespread interest and record-breaking attendance. Whether this is due to the AULSS’s acquired super powers in 2012, or perhaps a couple of well-designed posters, we are extremely happy nonetheless. But seriously, where have the last 9 weeks gone? As Law Students, we now find ourselves in the depths of endless assignments, approaching-exam-depression, alcoholism, and Facebook Law Meme procrastination (the memes frequently leave me confused and depressed… last three years of Law apparently have been erased from my memory). As such, ticket selling for our Pub Crawl ‘Just Sue it’, Oakbank trip and ‘Saints and Sinners’ Law Ball have gone through the roof. 1000 people at Law Ball this year? Yes we can. Hopefully. And so to you, the Ligertwood-ians, thank you for your support so far this year. You make our job easier through your interest and give us more reasons to avoid doing work which actually contributes to our degrees. We have many more exciting things coming up this year, which I hope will be the silver lining to your textbooks and Facebook procrastination.
Education Report Molly Snaith The Education Portfolio has been very busy since the last Hiliarian! We have had the Women Lawyers’ Association ‘Alternate Careers Night’, which was a huge success, with many students gaining valuable insights into different careers paths, the event was very interactive and students had a chance to ask questions and gain valuable advice. Thank you to all that attended and I hope you got as much out of it as I did. The Education team has also been working with the Law Faculty on a few initiatives (coming soon), so keep your eyes peeled because it will be very useful for those who are starting to think about life after law school! Remember, at this end of the semester to keep calm (or at least try) and study lots (but take a break to attend Law Ball)! And, if you have any education needs, contact education@aulss.org.au as it is our job to help you! THE HILARIAN 02/2012 - 11 -
Social Justice Report Ben Consentino
This year the AULSS is acting to solidify Adelaide Law School’s reputation as a strong contributor to social commentary in South Australia. A renewed focus on attracting prominent actors in current social justice debates to engage with students at various events provides an excellent platform for discourse and exploration of the issues which shape our common psyche. The AULSS Social Justice Breakfast Series made a resplendent return this year, with the intimate event featuring Michael Hourigan (prominent global human rights advocate and defence council for Muammar Gaddafi) and Hannah Watson (Hague ICTY prosecution intern) providing a novel and practical insight into the manner in which the world deals with its most heinous criminals. Apologies must at this stage be made to those who, in the rush to purchase a ticket (the event sold out in an unprecedented 40 minutes), unfortunately failed to secure a seat. This oversight by the Social Justice department was born wholly of our unpreparedness for the popularity of the event and we will endeavor to improve access to tickets in the future. Looking forward Following the popularity of the first SJ breakfast, the Department has decided to have a crack at the big time! Subject to travel dates and itinerary, our next speaker has been confirmed... One of the most decorated and senior officers in the United States military, Major General Arnold Fields USMC (retired) was appointed by President George W. Bush as Special Inspector General for the Afghanistan Reconstruction (SIGAR) in 2002. His task: to administer a USD 56 billion budget for the stabilisation of the nation’s public institutions following the infamous and destructive conflict. Maj. Gen. Fields’ acceptance of our invitation is a fantastic honour and Maj. Gen. Fields achievement for the Law School - the other events he will be attending in Adelaide currently list ticket prices at over $150.00 per head and have attracted massive media attention. In light of this news, the AULSS is considering increasing the scale of the next Social Justice event and will be accepting registrations of interest for tickets prior to formal sale at a movie night to be held in the near future. Details of this event will be made available once confirmed. Thankyou to all who have shown such enthusiasm for the SJ event series this year - without your support it would not be possible to offer speakers of the calibre we have all come to appreciate! Looking forward to seeing you in the near future. THE HILARIAN 02/2012 - 12 -
Careers & Sponsorship Report
Tom Ootes
The beginning of the year has been busy busy busy! Important classes, trying to work out how little work you can get away with etc. I know many of you were able to make it to the AULSS Law Careers Day that was held in March. Estimations put the numbers over 500 student attendees, which is fantastic. Exhibitors mentioned how interested students were this year and look forward to the clerkship applications they will receive from students over the next few months. Also released on this day was the AULSS Careers Guide 2012. Over 70 pages of information and testimonials put in one place with the aim of providing you with some guidance and assistance throughout your law school transition to the workforce. It looks fantastic and there are still copies left around the place. If you are unable to find one, you can find a digital copy under the Careers tab on our website www.aulss.org.au. In the first few weeks of May a number of information sessions regarding clerkships and Practical Legal Training were held for the benefit of you all, and some students had the chance to experience a mock clerkship interview. Presentations were made by a number of our sponsors, including Lipman Karas, Freehills, Cowell Clarke, Finlaysons, Fisher Jeffries, Piper Alderman, Thomsons, Cosoff Cudmore Knox, DMAW Lawyers and The College of Law. The inaugural AULSS Clerkship information night, at which many of these firms presented, was a massive success and over 120 students attended before sharing some light refreshments in the Ligertwood foyer. If you are interested in taking part in a mock clerkship interview in the coming weeks, please email me at thomas.ootes@student. adelaide.edu.au with ‘MCI expression of interest’ as the subject and we will see if we can organise some more. Make sure you check the Clerkship application dates in the Careers Guide and I hope you got along to get some valuable tips and information and your questions answered at the careers events we’ve held. Keep warm over winter, I hear it’s coming... THE HILARIAN 02/2012 - 13 -
Activities Report The Representatives for Activities 2012 give you the rundown on this semester’s highs and lows to date.
Sue Me
From left to right but not in order of importance: Kate Healy, Edward Gainer, Annabelle Reeve and Robert Cannizzaro
This years activities committee gave law students their first taste of what we are capable of with the brand new summer party ‘SUE ME’ at one of the hottest bars in Adelaide, ‘Zhivagos’. The proposed name for this event was ‘SUE ME AND SCREW ME’ but under the instruction of the powers that be, the Activities committee was forced to reconsider and go for something more appropriate that wouldn’t shame the law school. Nonetheless,‘Sue me and Screw me’ may be considered a somewhat more apt title for the night as many law students ‘found love in a hopeless place’, discovering that it is easier to mingle with the opposite sex while under the influence of Zhivagos’ UV lighting and excessive alcohol.
A Day at the Races: Oakbank Easter Carnival The largest ever contingent of law students descended upon the Easter Oakbank Racing Carnival on Monday April 9th. Law students kindly helping to off load the bus, food and drink were quickly flowing. The 2012 Race Day was a refined event; the purple UDLs that proved to be a hurdle for last years contingent was replaced with free flowing cider – certainly hitting the spot!
The Activities Director tries to stem the flow of alcohol
Adelaide’s (second) most eligible bachelor, Nuliver Neenan, graced the AULSS with his prescence. His help was utterly refreshing, the AULSS were very grateful to have him! THE HILARIAN 02/2012 - 14 -
These four punters couldn’t wait to place their bets.
The AULSS tent in all its glory
As the general public became increasingly intoxicated, Adelaide Law students once again showed their humanitarian side, opening up the AULSS marquee to the masses for a spontaneous game of beer pong.Donations of pizza crust were gladly accepted by newly made acquaintances. However, bar staff became increasingly concerned as to the pillaging of the 2011 vintage Yellowglen (Bar Manager Neenan and one female AULSS member ‘stuck’ in the cool room for an extended period of time). No fear, before the supply was stolen Nuliver emerged from the cool room (disheveled and panting), with just enough energy to shoo the prepubescent patrons away. Fortunately, before long it was time to adjourn down the hill to our Lofty Coach and the after party at the Seven Stars Hotel, where many more drinks were enjoyed!
‘Saints and Sinners’ Law Ball HAVE YOU BOUGHT YOUR TICKET? The 2012 Saints & Sinners Law Ball presented by the AULSS & ANU Legal Workshop is set to be one of the biggest events that Adelaide University has ever seen. If you haven’t bought your ticket yet, there’s something wrong with you. Previous Law Balls have set the bar for outrageous and out of control antics, however the dull décor and mediocre entertainment hasn’t always been quite high enough. This year the Activities Angels are changing that for the better. Bringing cheaper tickets for all the students, preferential law student presales and a bigger more extravagant setting which will tickle all your fancies. Not to blow our own horn, but we also secured the city’s hottest venues for our official after party at Electric Circus, Limbo and Rocket which will be exclusive to our guests. So buy a ticket, bring a condom or take your birth control and get ready to have the craziest night of your life. THE HILARIAN 02/2012 - 15 -
Competitions Report Caitlin Hartvigsen-Power All competitions have progressed to the Grand Final stage. Congratulations to the following finalists:
Kelly & Co Mooting: • • • •
Ryan Van Schuilenburg Lloyd Wicks Rebecca McEwen Warwick Ambrose
Grand Final to be held on Thursday 17th May 5.45pm for a 6pm start at Kelly & Co offices (please see student emails for further details) Clayton Utz Negotiations: • •
Bao-Loc Nguyen and Janet Hill Charlie Bruce and Ben Bishop
Grand Final to be held on Tuesday 15th May (please see the email for further details) Lipman Karas Witness Examination: • Hugh Bond • Venkatesh Ananthakrishnan Grand Final to be held on Thursday 24th May (please see student emails for further details)
Freehills Client Interviewing: • •
Igor Popov and Ellen Beattie Bao-Loc Nguyen and Janet Hill
Grand Final to be held on Tuesday 22nd May 6pm (please see student emails for further details) THE HILARIAN 02/2012 - 16 -
Who Said That?!?
Can you match the political leader to their quote of the month? Barack Obama
Vladimir Putin
1.
“The scientific concept of development”
2.
“The people have the right to know the nature of the illness of their head of state”
3.
“You must obey the law, always, not only when they grab you by your special place”
4.
“We cannot pretend somehow that because Barack Hussein Obama got elected as president, suddenly everything is going to be OK”
5.
“I’m red and he’s cross!”
6.
“It shouldn’t matter whether commitment is between a man and a woman, a man and another man or a woman and a woman”
David Cameron
Hu Jintao
François Hollande
Julia Gillard ANSWERS 1. Hu Jintao. Say what? 2. François Hollande. Socialist France - what will they think of next? 3. Vladimir Putin. Right. Thanks for clearing that up.
4. Barack Obama. You bloody cutie! 5. Julia Gillard. You so witty J-Gill! 6. David Cameron. Pretty liberal for a Tory innit?
THE HILARIAN 02/2012 - 17 -
W A L L A N O I T U T I T S N O C Patrick McCaffrie INTRODUCTION You’ll need some bare essentials if you want to study constitutional law successfully: 1 – A degree in Civil Engineering - It might seem counter-intuitive, but if you want to understand Engineers’ Case and the process of characterisation, it’s essential that you can carry out basics such as calculating the live load capacity of a 984 metre under-spanned suspension bridge. 2 – A framed photograph of Bob Brown – For any hope of comprehending the Tasmanian Dams Case you’ll want a photograph somewhere on your desk of the smiling environmentalist and two time world snooker champion to ease any pain you may feel trying to understand what Deane J meant with his “appropriate and adapted” piffle. Ironically, nothing either of them said at the time will make any sense. 3 – A framed photograph of John Howard – Struggling with the Corporations Power and Workchoices? The uneasy ‘smile’ of Australia’s second-longest serving PM and ‘Senior Citizen of the Year’ for 1998 and 2004 will force you to read cases for the first time in your life. KEEP UP TO DATE You will need to monitor the goings-on of the High Court on a regular basis. The best way to do this is to follow the High Court Justice’s individual twitter accounts. Some short extracts, and relevant translations, are shown in the three images below.
Susan Kiefel @KillaKiefel
@KillaKiefel is pulling a #Gaudron 16:12 March 3
@G-G-G-Gaudron Hell yeah! 16:16 March 3
Translated: ‘Pulling a Gaudron’ is a phrase which indicates that a Justice cannot be bothered writing a judgment themselves, but wants to maintain an appearance of intellectual credibility so is desperate for another justice to let them be the joint author. THE HILARIAN 02/2012 - 18 -
Virginia Bell @DingDongBell-a-Tron Justice Dyson Heydon @JusticeDysonHeydon @DingDongBell-a-Tron is having a wild girls night #screwwritingjudgements 21:42 May 7
@JusticeDysonHeydon whaett isdsds the twittttor thung?
@CrenDawg HellzYeah!
11:23 May 16
21:56 May 7
@KillaKiefel Getting ma drink onnnnn!!!
Translation: This is just cranky old man Heydon J struggling with such new-fangled technology as mobile phones, the internet and seemingly his contact lenses.
22:03 May 7
Translation: Bell, Kiefel and Crennan JJ are playing scrabble and drinking earl grey…with sugar! HOW TO: HIGH COURT CASES Everyone knows that High Court cases are hard to understand. But, there are a few handy tips to make everything easier. 1 – High Court Radio Plays – nothing makes High Court cases easier to understand than listening to syndicated radio plays where actors play the part of justice, counsel, solicitor and jury. In particular students should look out for the adaptation of The Communist Party Case featuring Shia LeBouf, the Waugh twins, Dolly Parton and Craig T. Nelson. 2 – Case Summaries – Nothing cuts through the drudgery of High Court judgements like summaries prepared by highly strung law students with little else to sustain them but the smug self-satisfaction they derive from understanding High Court jurisprudence. There is an element of risk though as to get your hands on these summaries you’ll need to hang around the law library late at night, accost one of these students and steal their Macbook. HOW TO: REVISE FOR THE EXAM 1 – Papier-mâché – Blackshield & Williams are about as readable as the Bible, in the sense that you get the impression the authors didn’t really know how long their work was going to be when they started writing it. Don’t bother reading it. The best way to study is to rip pages from the book and turn them into a papiermâché scale model of the High Court building in Canberra. In the process you will learn all you need to know about the defence power and the success of Kraft glue 2 – Assert Constitutional Rights – Despite our Constitution’s lack of explicit constitutional rights, you should feel free to assert rights where convenient. For example, waltz into the exam and assert it interferes with your implied constitutional right to vote because your local council is holding elections on that day. If you are really desperate, start up a company and declare that any interference in your personal activities is an unconstitutional interference with the operation of a corporation. None of the aged invigilators are going to challenge you so you should be alright. THE HILARIAN 02/2012 - 19 -
TORTS Will Maitland
Question 3 When Gotye and Kimbra broke up after a relationship of 6 years, Gotye’s close friends, Florence and Adele, decided to have a party at Florence’s house in celebration of the dumping and sent out an open invite to all their friends on facebook. As they were getting ready for the party, an employee of ‘The Wombats Inc’ named Foster turned up to set up the bouncy castle. Unfortunately, Foster was on acid at the time and instead of connecting the oxygen tanks to the castle he connected some tanks of gasoline that had recently fallen of the back of A-Trak’s truck and bounced through the front gate of Florence’s house. Meanwhile, L D Rey, a young up-and-coming journalist who had heard about the party, decided to set up some secret cameras at the house and enlisted the help of her friend Calvin to do so. Calvin, recently having fallen of his bike on the way to the cinema, was half blind and had degenerative herpes and therefore negligently screwed one of the cameras into the walls of the bouncy castle. At 7.45pm the first guests started arriving and began to boogie the night away. Everything was going well until Florence decided that she was going to climb onto the roof of the house and then bellyflop onto the bouncy castle. Gotye, afraid that she would miss and knock over the croquembouche, tried to climb up to stop her from jumping. As he was climbing, Foster, who was on a massive comedown, decided to throw one of his shoes at Gotye; the shoe missed but hit Florence who overbalanced and fell, knocking the croquembouche with its recently lit candles into the bouncy castle. The gasoline in the bouncy castle caught alight and LD Rey’s camera that was screwed into its walls exploded. Kanye, who had crashed the party after seeing the open invite on facebook, received the full blast of the exploding camera and now suffers third degree burns to his neck and torso. Adele, who had secretly married Kanye a year earlier, saw him burn and now cannot sleep at night. Advise generally.
THE HILARIAN 02/2012 - 20 -
The offending croquembouche
Handling Problem Questions It’s a fact! We’ve all seen it and we all know it. In Torts exams, if you’re not careful, you may end up spending more time marvelling at the impressive comedy and intense wittiness of the exam-writer than you do crafting a carefully constructed and concisely worded argument. If it’s not the hilariously funny use of topical names throughout the problem that sets you off, then it’ll most definitely be the ohso likely string of events that not only gives rise to a Alice’s adventures seem positively myriad of litigable actions but also seems to provide banal when compared with a Torts Murphy with irrefutable proof to back up his law exam while severely violating those of Newton, Einstein and probability alike. Torts exams are joyous not only in their ability to make one’s eyes water at the very sight of the words ‘advise generally’ but also in their literary merit as fictional masterpieces. Their creation of a marvellous world of fun and adventure makes Harry Potter look dangerously close to non-fiction and pushes Lewis Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland into the travel section of your nearest Dymocks. Exam Tips Presuming you have been able to contain your hilarity during the first read-through of the problem question, it is now time to knuckle down and put pen to paper. The simplest method of tackling a Torts exam is to begin by totting up the names of all potential plaintiffs. Then, cross half of these names out because you just won’t have time. Now list any possible action they might have, spend ten minutes searching through your notes for that case that isn’t there, multiply by the number you first thought of and what you’re left with is the bare scrapings of a pass that means you can now proceed to Torts 2. Rinse and repeat for the rest of your uni career. Congratulations – you’re almost a lawyer!
The Hilarian is sponsored by Lipman Karas and Clayton Utz
THE HILARIAN 02/2012 - 21 -
EQUITY
THE HILARIAN 02/2012 - 22 -
L O O H C LAW S James Stewart Have you had a disappointing life? Are you aware that most teenagers drive a better car than you? Did your perfect marriage fall apart while you were still young enough to reclaim your independence? Then don’t delay, enrol in university TODAY! As a mature age student the university life is built for you. There are stairs for you to walk up and down, there are younger students hanging around, everything is done on computers, AND you can catch public transport there. Just make sure everyone knows how difficult it all is for you by complaining loudly at any free moment! Don’t listen to lecturers when they say “save questions for tutorials”, or “ask me after the lecture”. These instructions are not meant for you, these instructions are purely said to ensure that no-one else is talking when you need to loudly voice an ill-informed opinion. Remember, your socio-political views are always relevant, especially at the times when they seem least relevant!
Ms Dunderniss knows that uni life is for her. Do you?
The most important thing to remember is that university is all about YOU. You have something most students can only dream of: life experience (and possibly prostate problems, or menopause). Make the most of this when you have to work on group assignments: make sure at every opportunity you’re discussing your family, love life, and trouble working a printer with your group. If you own something without a photo of your out-of-wedlock-single-parent-raised-children on it, then you’re NOT telling other students you are superior to them. Make sure everything you have is either made by your child, or features at least one photo of them. Remember these important facts and you’ll be doing well: - Everyone loves the sound of your voice too - Buying a takeaway chai latte will make you look and feel more like Carrie Bradshaw - People care about what your children do, even when they expressly say that they don’t - You already have a degree, a degree in LIFE THE HILARIAN 02/2012 - 23 -
Should I Be in the LSS? Do you have poor grades? Or are you in need of earning your non-affection-giving parents love? Then The Adelaide University Law Students Society may be for you!
Take this easy to understand test to see if you’ve got what it takes. Pick one answer per question and tally your score to see where you belong! 1
What sort of school did you go to?
a) b) c) d)
Private (4) Public (3) Catholic (2) Other (0)
2
Where was your school located?
a) b)
Eastern Suburbs (4) Anywhere else (0)
N.B. If you have fewer than 2 points so far then you certainly do not attend the Adelaide Law School and it is questionable whether you actually attend any Law School. At best you probably go to UniSA. Please put down this edition of The Hilarian and go away. Now!
3
In your school life did you:
a) b) c) d)
Attend 1st XXVIII Parties (4) Join the debating team (3) Pray (2) Work part-time at VideoEzy or similar (1)
4
It’s your 18th birthday, you receive a book, is it:
a) b) c) d)
Lazarus Rising (4) The Lucky Country (3) The Deuteronomical Writings of St. Alfred (2) Fun with Spot (1)
5
How do you usually get around?
a) b) c) d)
A car which is paid for, insured under, and registered by mummy and daddy, but “really yours” (4) A bike because of fake science and “global warming” (2) Pope-mobile (2) Drunken stumble (1) THE HILARIAN 02/2012 - 24 -
6
Where do you holiday?
a) b) c) d)
The Greek Isles (4) Your Shack (3) The Vatican (2) Glenelg (1)
7
Are either of your parents lawyers?
a) b) c) d)
Yes, both (4) Yes, only one though (3) No, but both are tertiary educated (2) No (1)
8
Are you involved in…
a) b) c) d)
Young Liberals (4) Young Labor (3) Opus Dei (2) Occupy Wall Street (-10)
9
Do you spout party-political lines to deal with your own intellectual inadequacies and social insecurities?
a) b) c) d)
What intellectual inadequacies? (4) Yes (3) Does Family First count as a ‘party’? (2) No (1)
10
Do you enjoy spending your time at university…:
a) b) c) d)
Feeling self-important and heatedly debating issues with no real consequences (4) Feeling self-important and heatedly debating issues with some real consequences (4) Wearing blue shirts and handing out cupcakes to ‘heathens’(2) Drinking (1)
What does your score mean? 0 - 10 ~The LSS is not for you. Joining it would only add to the confusion you must already suffer about law, the Law School and so many other things. 11 - 20 ~ The LSS may be for you. You might want to recommend the creation of a ‘Religious Director’ and suggest yourself as the person to fill it. I can smell the cupcakes already… 21 - 30 ~ You should consider joining the LSS. You should become a member of the Social Justice portfolio and get to work making law students care about famine in South Sudan or wherever that place is. 31 - 40 ~ You were born to rule. For you, being a member of the LSS is a right not a privilege. Force yourself onto the committee ASAP and begin plotting your path to the presidency. THE HILARIAN 02/2012 - 25 -
release of the BBC series, Sherlock, it’s become increasingly fashionable to launch one’s own baseless inquiries into the neighbours. But don’t be sloppy! Slapdash snooping will lead you to miss vital information, such as the nano-speckle of black dirt on your neighbour’s shirt sleeve which could only have come from the talons of a rare species of condor found exclusively in the Andes Mountains. Simply notice this, and you’ll find the case will largely unravel itself from there.
By Katherine Beazley Strolling out of the house recently, I couldn’t help but notice an armed police taskforce conducting a raid on the neighbours. If, like me, your entire personal fortune is scattered around your room in random conglomerations of low denomination coins in assorted world currencies, then your first instinct should be panic! That glimmering prize would be irresistible to any thief! With one for a neighbour, it could only be a matter of time til the tell-tale tinny glint of a million inconsequential coins catching the sun attracted their eye. They’d be hot footing it down to the bureau de change in no time. It begs the question: Just who is living next door to you? And to which genre of criminal underclass do they belong? Well you don’t have to own and have repeatedly watched Arlignton Road recently to know the answer to that is that almost anyone could be living next door to you, or that those architectural blueprints for the shopping mall they are building are probably just a cover for the enormous blast they are planning! I suggest carrying out some private detective work of your own. Fortunately, since the
Develop a dossier on each of your neighbours. You may need to hack into their voice mail using the pretence of innocent investigative journalism- if anyone asks, mumble something
The recent BBC series, Sherlock, may also be directly responsible for the rise in popularity of herring-bone overcoats and charcoal scarves
THE HILARIAN 02/2012 - 26 -
about working for News Ltd. Even better, physically hack into their actual house – again, if anyone asks… News Ltd. Now, this may sound like an invasion of privacy, or at the very least a trifle rash. But you saw what was going on in Wisteria Lane! It would, I think, be rash not to! So what if you make enemies of a few of your neighbours? It’s actually a well-known strategic advantage and a clever tactical ploy. As Nelson Mandela himself once said, “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer”.
Residences fitting the description of ‘densely columned neo-classical monstrosity’ featuring grotesque baroque water fountains in marble several grades too shiny, are straight out of internet blog “Stuff Criminal Oligarchs Like”.
Men with goatees must be viewed through a prism of suspicion. I don’t know, there’s just something conspiratorial about goatees. You Bald cats: A definite sign of can always be sure that a goatee wearer has either just been plotting witchcraft something treacherous, or is about to be. And probably playing a lot of I’ve been keeping detailed notes on my Battleships in the lull in between. Shakespeare neighbours for some time now, and what was quite right when he famously said that follows is a list of some concerning signs you men with goatees were “fit only for treasons, should watch out for. stratagems and spoils”. Women with a pronounced widow’s peak are to be viewed with suspicion. It’s the no.1 choice in hair line amongst evil stepmothers, witches, poisoners, and baddies from the Arthurian legend alike. Look for labelled arsenic jar in the spice rack.
Presence of moonstones/dream catchers/ celtic cross pendants- or anything else looking like it was bought from somewhere called Mystic Corner for that matter- in quantities greater than zero. You’d almost hope they’re into amateur witchcraft rather than what it might say about their taste alone.
“Develop a dossier on each of your neighbours. You may need to hack into Reclusive aristocrats who are evasive when you probe them about their past and seem to their voice-mail...” dislike your prying questions are potentially
Lord Lucan or the Count of Monte Cristo. Trust The presence of sinister animals, such as neither. hairless cats, snakes, hawks, panthers and/ or cougars, in conjunction with “Wolves of Sometimes it can be a peculiar mannerism or Eurasia” wall calendars is a deafening alarm little quirk which can alert you to their danger. bell. If they offer to lend you a cup of sugar, a pint of milk- or indeed “anything you may desire”- on Someone who wears black leather gloves with the sole condition that you sign this Faustian less than full length sleeves is most likely a Pact, then you could be next door to Lucifer. cat burglar, an assassin or a villain from the Check his driver’s licence. Bourne Identity. THE HILARIAN 02/2012 - 27 -
A Dressing Dilemma By Lily Black The last time you heard from me I was paying for my legal experience. And guess what? My hard earned work landed me an interview for a graduate program. Excited to get to the next round, I sought all the help I could on how to perform well in these assessment centre processes. Law Revue friends urged me to show my lawyer ‘slash’ side. For example, lawer/chef, lawyer/musician or my personal favourite, lawyer/gin-enthusiast. My ‘knowwhat-they’re-doing’ friends on the other hand, recommended that I should “never speak first or pour the water jug in the team-work exercise! You’ll come across as a dominating bitch!” The step I was struggling with the most with however, was figuring out what to wear. My initial attempt at an appropriate ensemble had me looking like an Erin-Slut-Brockovich-Lawyer-Whore. I lost the heels and pulled my hair back. Demented schoolgirl was my first thought as I looked into the mirror. I envied men who simply had to choose an appropriate tie. And then, that Greer article about Gillard came out in The Age. As one of the few remaining Gillard supporters and The Female Eunuch being a favourite of mine, my heart skipped a bloody beat. And as I read, the excited little smile on my face wore off. Why the fuck was Greer concerned with Gillard’s suit jackets? Sure, they’re ugly as hell but who cares? Wait. Why is a feminist hero giving fashion advice and saying “You’ve got a big arse Julia” on national TV in the first place? ME CONFUSED! We know Greer can be cruel. In the 1960’s a ‘Battle of the Successful Aussie Woman in New York’ ensued between her and respected rock journalist Lilian Roxon. It got so nasty, Greer created an advertisement in an avant-garde Dutch magazine saying “Anyone who wants group sex in New York and likes fat girls, contact Lilian Roxon”. The cow even provided Roxon’s actual number. I re-read Greer’s article in preparation for mine. Greer’s point is very clear. Gillard shouldn’t be dressed in those carefully-chosen-by-her-staff jackets because she should be able to wear whatever she bloody likes. I should not feel like an office whore because society tells me that the combination of stockings and heels makes me one. I got to the interview. In the first ten minutes I realised my competition were complete freaks and I didn’t stand a chance. No one noticed the beautiful pleats on my charcoal Saba skirt and I couldn’t tell you a single item of clothing that any of the 10 other applicants wore.
THE HILARIAN 02/2012 - 28 -
THE HILARIAN 02/2012 - 29 -
Classifieds SERVICES BOILER MAKER
Experienced in structural steel welding, elemental fabrication and clarification of separation of powers doctra. Minimum of two limbs req’d. Ph. 0423457834
CHAPELS & HEARSES
Funeral services for roadcrash victims. No duty required if unforeseeable. Ph 0431 423 343
ENGINEERS
Able to fabricate structural basis for federalism. Also available for demolition of intergovernmental immunities and state powers. Ph 0475 623 773
HALL LET
Relatively large hall available for local, coastal-based community groups looking to stage events. Hall is ideal for groups interested in mixed martial arts, surf-life saving, predicting the tides and combining all three. Ph. (08) 8274 4562
WALTON STORES
Full-time employees wanted for extended contracts. Warning: Walton stores reserves the right to renege on contractual duties at any time. Ph. (08) 8467 7828
3825 633 DEATHS SIMPSON, Jemima The social life we spent together was such a dear thing. What a shame that it should be taken from us so young. Good luck with the law readings. Love from your school friends HANGFORDSHIRE, Edith Law Library staff sends condolences to Hangfordshire family over death of librarian Edith whose service was appreciated by librarians and possibly students. Your unbounding passion for alphabetising will be missed. HALEY, Stacey So sorry you’re gone, I will always regret never getting that recipe about re-heating pasties from you. Love from ‘that other person’ at Briefs Cafe.
COMPANIONSHIP 22 Y.O. UNBEARABLY successful law student seeking another very successful law student to share life/study with. Successful applicants must be a private school graduate, have straight HD’s and a keen interest in High Court cases. Ph. 0432 245 345 THE HILARIAN 02/2012 - 30 -
COMPANIONSHIP 64 Y.O. LAW STUDENT seeking life-long partner for what is left of hers. Interests include: walking, the 1960’s, boring people in tutorials, asking questions in lectures, my two previous marriages, the failures of the child support system and preserves. Ph. (08) 8354 3456 22 Y.O. LAW/COMMERCE STUDENT
Ph. 0435 353 932 40 Y.O. LECTURER seeking ‘f**k-buddy’ available on weekdays for quick sexual encounters in a musty library. Applicant must be young (relative to me), male, ‘ripped’, and like asparagus. Ph. 0437 435 628 21 Y.O. HILARIAN EDITOR seeking a student interested in law to complete all his law assignments for him. Applicants must be very good at law, male or female, willing to do all of my work for limited/no compensation and not an old person. Ph. 0403 932 651
THE HILARIAN 02/2012 - 31 -
Proven techniques to turn those conceded passes into passes!
What the readers think of The Hilarian ‘ I wish this was around when I was at Law School.’
~ Heydon J
Seasoned law students share their tips
for facing those exam demons Finding yourself in the dark as to how best to excel at Law School? Want to shed some light on the subject? Unfortunately, so too do the editors at the Hilarian. You’ll find this compendium is conspicuously scant on any genuine advice, although if you really are floundering we can recommend that you inquire here: dennis.lim@legalonline.org.au. On the other hand, if you’re up for a laff and a good dose of satirical nonsense then Hilarian’s ADELAIDE LAW SCHOOL for DUMMIES is for you. This edition covers a range of subjects; from Gillard and Greer to Mature Agers and Neighbourhood security. Australia Post even makes a scantily clad appearance!
• Guides to Torts, Constitutional Law and Equity
‘What did Heydon say? Not that.’
~ Kirby J
‘Is it meant to be funny?’
~ William Shakespeare
‘I’d rather do Admin readings than read that shit.’
~ Eds.
‘The what sorry?’
~ Prof. John Williams
Get Hilarian!
• Includes up-to-date reports of LSS activity
• from the law school
• Autocorrect Dada
• on facebook
• A Mature-Agers guide to Law School
• on the aulss website
• Plenty of witticism
good
old
fashioned •contact us at:
hilarian.klap@gmail.com
$19.99 AU $23.99 NZ £16.99 UK
THE HILARIAN 02/2012 - 32 -