The Hilarian Issue Four by Hilarian

THE HILARIAN ISSUE 4, 2010

L L E N N ! O D ION ’ O T I E N ED I T N S I E R E H W C O E L TH HAL LK L I P M A N K A R A S

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Skip Lipman Principal

Belinda Russo Senior Associate

Experienced Tacticians

Fresh Thinking

Lipman Karas is a specialist legal practice acting for corporate, government and private clients throughout Australia and internationally.

Lipman Karas is an employer of choice for outstanding candidates:

We focus exclusively on: ��

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L I P M A N

K A R A S

“I love the work, the people and the premises at Lipman Karas, coupled with the professional relationships I have established with colleagues and clients”. (Belinda Russo, 2010)

Lipman Karas offers talented and energetic people a unique opportunity to develop their professional careers and personal skills in a rewarding and dynamic team environment.

Clerkship applications close on Friday 9 April 2010. For information please visit lipmankaras.com

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CONTENTS Editorial

2-3

How To Talk About Wine

4-6

What’s in a GPA?

Excerpts From The Law School Gaze�e

10 - 12

Pope’s Memo Leaks!

14 - 15

Should You Really Be Studying Law?

16 - 17

Berlin vs New York

18 - 19

LSS Ac�vi�es Reports

20 - 23

LSS Execu�ve Reports

24 - 28

Sydney or Melbourne?

30 - 32

The Hilarian Welcomes New Academic Staﬀ

Must Love Sujini

36 - 37

The REAL Australia

38 - 39

A Final Reﬂec�on on Law School

40 - 41

Meet Your New Eds!

42 - 43

Editors: James Apps, Harry Black, Nicola Caon, Georgia Goldsworthy and James Gould Contributors: Katherine Beazley, Lisa Catt, Hannah Canham, Sujini Ramamurthy, Patrick McCaffrie, Andrew Christopher, Stephen Smiley, Henrietta Lyons, David Jordan, Paris Dean, Megan Comerford, Joseph Scales and Jesse Doyle Publisher: Rainbow Press Cover Image: Christine O’Donnell, who is not a witch This Publication does not represent the views of the University Law Schoool. This publication is not endorsed by the University Law School of the University generally. It is a satirical publication and is the sole creation of the Adelaide University Law Students’ Society.

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E D I T O R I A LL COHERENCE n. 1. The quality or state of cohering, especially a logical, orderly, and aesthetically consistent relationship of parts. 2. Physics The property of being coherent, as of waves. Antonym: The Hilarian Dear readers, We’ve tried, truly we have. Each edition has been lovingly prepared with an ideal of some overarching grand narrative that will take lost souls on a journey of wonderment. But it’s the final edition, and deadlines loom, and frankly, it was all a bit of a lie anyway. A coherent and binding theme in a magazine such as this, is a bit like that old essay you pull out and try and make fit with another entirely unrelated question. It’s that “square peg in a round hole” philosophical issue that’s plagued philosophers from Socrates to Satre. Sometimes, there just isn’t logic to what we do. We contemplated a theme of “Sheer Self-Indulgence” or “Vanity Project”, but we’d just refer you to our narcissistic Facebook profiles instead. So instead, as we hurtle towards the abyss (or graduate, whatever terms of convenience you prefer to use) we’ve brought together a final dose of what makes us laugh, what makes us think, and what makes us justify getting sponsorship money to publish this magazine (LSS Reports, you know you love them). We’ve also brought you Christine O’Donnell because she’s not a witch. No other explanation required. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uxJyPsmEask). There are contributions from old hands, and the new-fresh faced editorial team, tackling this noble publication next year. One can only hope they emerge as we have at the end of this journey - tired, emotional and jaded, with a total incomprehension of the hearsay rule. We wish them all the laughter in the world. And hope they have the same blatant disregard to deadlines that we have. After all, someone in this Law School has to fly that flag. So long, farewell, Auf wiedersehen, adieu, / Adieu, adieu, to yieu and yieu and yieu.

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L E T T E R S Dear Eds, Coming to the end of my degree I am starting to become more concerned about my grades, and what class of honours I will receive. I would like to draw the following to the attention of my fellow law students. A grade of 74 for every single law course will give you a GPA of 5.0, and result in you being awarded no honours. However, a grade of 75 for every single law course will give you a GPA of 6.0, and result in ﬁrst class honours. Is this system fair? Will something be done about it? Sincerely,

somewhere in the asbestos-ridden Ligertwood walls? Our LSS is lying to us, and I, for one, demand that we be told the truth. I also demand to be told the truth about 9/11 and the vast conspiracy of reptilian lizard-men who are ruling our unwitting world. Dear Eds, I am starting to notice on Facebook a horrifying new tool called “photo memories”. It is completely unsolicited, and forces you to look at photos from up to ﬁve years ago. Is there any way that I can avoid seeing my old pizza face, my ugly ex or that really bad emo phase? Regards,

Concerned ﬁnal year

Vain Val

Dear Concerned, No, it isn’t fair. And no, nothing is likely to be done about it. Eds Dear Eds, One day I received an email calling for nominations in the upcoming LSS elections, and a short time later, received an email announcing the results of an uncontested election. Given the level of acrimony in previous LSS elections, how is this possible? How could a LSS election be uncontested? Did Team GO secretly murder the other nominees? Are they trapped

Dear Val, We think that “photo memories” is a misleading term for what should more accurately be described as “career killers”. Has anyone else noticed that the photos that come up usually seem to involve copious amounts of alcohol and some dubious liaisons? Now your future and current employers get all this and more, neatly packaged and delivered directly to their screens. Thanks Mark Zuckerberg. Eds

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HOW TO TALK ABOUT WINE By Harry Black*

with a free top up of of Savvy-B from Georgia Goldsworthy

There is nothing more unnerving than being asked to talk about wine. My knowledge is extremely limited, but over the years we’ve developed a number of tricks that deceive even the most pedantic oenephile. Next time you’re invited round to dinner, give them a go! SHIRAZ You’ve heard all the keywords before: Plum, blackberry, chocolate, pepper, smoked meat. Reel them off and your host will be impressed, but in this day and age you’ll be expected to take your analysis to another level. It is the most popular red varietal in the world after all. Ask yourself, what lurks in the heart of the Syrah? What really makes it tick? The answers are myriad, and really depend on one’s level of inebriation. If you’re struggling, do what I do: Get blind. Australian Shirazes have an unusually high concentration of alcohol, that is increasing year by year. Luckily, the more one consumes, the more profuse one becomes. Use the trend of emotional adjectives. This shiraz is ‘brooding’, ‘melancholic’. Be careful though, verging into the ‘manic-depressive’ bouquet may tip your host off that you’re spinning absolute shite. Song is also a useful tool. Recently, I was asked at a dinner party what effect I thought the Barossa’s new yeast regimes were having on the ésprit of her Shiraz. Luckily I saw the question coming and had consumed a small vat of it in preparation. My response was to take my shirt off and do my best Nothing Compares 2 U atop my host’s antique Sheraton sideboard. It went down a treat.

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SINGLE VARIETAL YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF Sure, you might get away with describing your everyday Albarino, Zinfandel or Nebbiolo - but what about the occasions when your host throws you a curve ball: A Băbească Neagră or, god forbid, a Xynomavro? What do you do when you’re struggling to pronounce the varietal, let alone discuss its nose? It can be a crushing situation, but never fear! Do what I do, remain calm and very quickly ﬁnd out where the wine’s from and deﬂect onto the wonderful holidays you’ve had in that region. For example, if you’re offered a Raboso, you might what to say, “A Raboso? I haven’t had one for years! That wonderful grape from...” Your host will answer, “yes, that’s right from Northeastern Italy. I’m so pleased you’ve heard of it!” This will give you the opportunity to switch conversation to you favourite Venetian restaurants or the breathtaking views from your cousin’s villa on Lake Garda.

SAUVIGNON BLANC Otherwise known as Pineapple Cruiser, at all costs avoid Sauvignon Blanc. Known as the nectar of the nouveau-riche, a glass of Giesen immediately tips off any discerning conneissuer that this individual has absolutely no palate and probably no overall use to society. These women swill their way through the ‘savvy-b’ by the bucket every Friday at after-work drinks. The consequences of this are normally seen at three am, as they clasp that loathsome bottle to their chests and stumble down Rundle Street, heels likely discarded in the toilet at the Stag If you are to drink a White, and by all means, please do - select a Riesling. It goes wonderfully with Oysters in the spring sunshine.

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CHAMPAGNE Champagne. The wine of civilisation. The manna of the heavens. The bubbliest of intoxicants. When faced with a Champagne, ask your host two questions immediately. Firstly, “Cuvée de prestige?” And secondly, “is there more than one bottle going around?” Presumably your host will respond in the afﬁrmative to both. Otherwise, your immediate and incensed departure will be required. When asked about your favourite Champagne, steer clear of the big labels, boutique brands are de rigeur. These days, people will ascribe much more value to a Blanc de blanc from a tiny house in Verzy than a bottle of Bolly. Also, when talking about Champagne, keep it sexy; keep it racy. Whenever Champagne’s brought up in conversation, I like to imagine myself as a 19th century Parisian whore, desperate to transport her latest client to paradise and eke out his every franc. You might say something like, “this Champagne trickles down my throat like love juice.” Or, if your host is a woman and has just asked if you’re enjoying the Champagne, you might like to respond with a sigh of delicious capitulation and, “oh yes I am! But I’d really like to taste it from the swell of your breasts, you libidinous nyphmo. Sex is the air that I breathe, let’s take it to the bedroom” or something similar.

START * HERE *and get ready to go places THE HILARIAN - 0410 - PAGE 8 www.mallesons.com

Reminder: THE LAW SCHOOL OWNS YOUR “HOLIDAYS” By Joseph Scales

‘What are you doing these holidays?’

they ask as my eyes tear up. My bright-eyed and bushy-tailed fellow uni-students in everything from Agriculture to Gender Studies have already delighted each other with their exciting plans: off to the beach shack, a shopping trip to Melbourne or a couple of weeks in Vietnam/Spain/London. Heck, I’d settle for Murray Bridge, I think to myself, as the group continues to stare at me. Me, the lone Law student, with my deep-set eyes and the bags beneath them drooping down to my chin, the latest grey hair coming through... ‘Oh, I’ve got my Admin takehome exam.’ Polite silence. I understand the premise, as our dear Law School rather frequently reminds us, that the mid-semester break is not “holidays” but simply a “non-teaching period.” Sure, I will have to do some study, I get it – maybe even a couple of days in between the stacks of everyone’s favourite asbestos-riddled monstrosity.* Seriously though, a take-home exam?

The pain my comrades in Administrative Law and I shared (shared individually, not together, for that would be collusion, which I find abhorrent) may only be outweighed by our final year friends and their Evidence assignment. Which makes me think of what is perhaps the most wonderful thing about the irony of Law School – in retrospect, nothing ever looks so bad, as students in years above you take pains to point out. Alas, I too am guilty of this. It was my nostalgic chuckle you may have heard reverberate in the Law Library computer room as I saw Facebook statuses galore whining about the heinous Property take-home exam. ‘As I look back, I really enjoyed Property! Wait till Admin...’ I comment with a faint yet patronising smile, a style not dissimilar to that employed by students enrolled in Corporate/ Evidence/most other compulsory subjects as I threaten to take my life over Admin. Despite the toxic bitterness towards our lives that is seeping through the words of my brief reflection, you and I both know that our holidays really aren’t so bad. We will always have each other and The Exeter for comfort. This mid-semester break, we may not have been riding wild horses along La Concha Beach in San Sebastian with a beautiful Spaniard named Alejandro as our brief but memorable fling (sigh), but those $10 carafes of Adelaide’s finest vino really do go down a treat in the knowledge that our latest premature-ageing-causing paper is finally in Fotina’s firm grasp. * studying, not performing other rumoured minor indictable offences.

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W H AT ’ S I N A G PA ? Nicola Caon demsytiﬁes the horror

In the ﬁnal semester of law, the halls

are suddenly filled with screeches from students formerly known to construct articulate sentences. All others have been forced to bear witness to their slow, human-like gestures, which involve hand-flailing in bewilderment and fits of vertigo before the front desk. The source of such misery and angst? - the (albeit late) realisation that from the moment we emerge from the double-electric-malfunctioning-doors of the law building, we shall be branded with a number between 0-7, which will forever hold the answers to our future. After nearly 30 emails to Corrine Walding and her team of elves, it was revealed that the final-year freak out in play has prompted contemplation of mass-suicide amongst many of the future second-class honours receivers. ‘We shall not be condemned to the status of second-rate law students’, they cried. Offensive rhetorical questions such as, ‘My elder brother was never subjected to such discriminatory an action (dividing the honours classes) - when will progressivism prevail in this backwards hellhole?’ were posed. Never mind that these whingey automatons all dodged the pain of completing a further 2-5 electives. We at The Hilarian would like to note that a person’s GPA - whilst a clear determinant of whether you will be accepted for Masters, fall into the newly-celebrated category of thirdclass honours, or apparently, marry post 60

- fails to recognise a good many aspects of a decent legal education and what it means to be in the law. It fails to measure the number of beers drunk at *insert your choice of university-proximate venue here* over lunch, the number of times you haven’t read a case, but passed the subject, the number of hotties who have locked icy eyes with, but never spoken to you, and ﬁnally, the number of times you have successfully used the word ‘lawyer’ to swiftly enter/exit a situation in a spacejumplike-fashion. However, for those of you ﬁnal-years fearful of what your number really reeks, have a glance opposite and get an idea of what lies beyond law school...

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7 in Law, 7 in Diplomas of French and Spanish and prizes for International Humanitarian Law, Human Rights Law and Public International Law = after a string of internships in the Hague, South Africa, New York, a stint with Amnesty International and serving as the Young United Nations Ambassador working with the Australian Delegation on the progress of the Millennium Development Goals in the Asia-Pacific: dishwasher at the UN headquarters’ cafeteria. Live the dream. 6.5 in Law = you’re one sassy cat who knows how to ILAC like it’s 1999 : stick with the law baby and you’ll soon be driving a raging convertible to work in the last of our rain, courtesy of Lipman Karas. Just don’t get too caught up – you’ll soon develop the rude habit of writing people’s names with ‘pty ltd’ attached. 5.5 in Law and 7 in Commerce = Macquarie and Goldman are battling it out to bring you down (up?) to their sleep-deprivation chambers. These will, at first glance, appear enticing: in-house gym, in-house café and hot power-hungry grads seeking all sorts of stimulants. However, the catch will finally become clear when you miss your younger sister’s wedding and grandmother’s dual anniversary/funeral. If you follow this path we suggest you select a life partner in the next 2-3 weeks. 5 in Law and 5 in International Studies = your inner-prodigy will emerge the moment you step out of the stifling space they these days call ‘higher learning institutions’. You will excel in travel, work and teaching yourself about the world, its variety of cruiseships and various models of septic-systems. You will marry a Saudi businessman in secret and make a killing as he propels your international sanitary-come-aid company: Bowls for Bowels. 4 in Law and 7 in Arts = facebooking-flounderer who’s contemplating a PHD on the utility of Flower Essence Therapy in solving impotency in the Middle Ages. Stick with it - you were never cut out for a clerkship anyway, and when it comes down to it, we all need some academic less-fortunate than ourselves to pity. Editor of the Hilarian = please pass go, please do not collect GDLP qualification and proceed to some unrelated field. We suggest something incognito... private investigator? 2.8 in one study period = ummm apparently the University wants to see you, like now.

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T H E L AW S C H O O L G A Z E T T E . Published by Katherine Beazley FORTHCOMING EVENTS Pretentious Garden Party

new addition to the social calendar, it is designed to be more exclusive than the other law school events and ticket prices will be prohibitively expensive. Guests will arrive via caravan of elephants, with intra-garden-party transportation via pygmy hippopotamus. Name-tags will be worn declaring your current net wealth, the name of the private school you went to and any hereditary titles you may hold. Non-private school alumni will not be admitted. Also, for substantially more than the standard ticket price, guests may choose to upgrade to a VIP Sultan’s Choice ticket. VIP guests will receive: 1. Up to 3 ﬂattering photos capturing his/herself in various Napoleonic attitudes at the event for the social pages of the Law School Gazette and a fawning mention in the ‘Also Noted’ section of that publication.

2. Introductions to the 5 richest people at the party, and autographed business cards of the next 5. 3. Priority service from the liqueur trolley and exclusive access to the champagne echelon.

4. A sumptuous 40 course meal with silver service and tableware from the pantry of the Court of Louis XIV ‘Standard Ticket’ patrons will receive no tableware and will be fed a selection of scraps with sporadic and unhelpful table service provided by the hippopotamus wranglers. Also note that non-Sultan’s Choice guests will have their drinks restricted to the run-off from the ice sculptures, and are likely to be the subject of defamatory remarks in the ‘Also Noted’ section of this publication.

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Law School Hobby Fair Personally, I prefer never to go to careers fair as I ﬁnd them a triﬂe counter-intuitive given a career is precisely what I spend my life desperately avoiding. This is especially true now that I’ve accumulated enough free legal stationery to safely withstand a siege of several years. (Although you would hope that we’ve learnt enough from the last stationery siege to ever let that situation arise again.) That’s why this year, the Law School Gazette is proud to sponsor the inaugural Law School Hobby Fairfeaturing the kinds of pretentious hobbies which compliment a career in law! Of course, it’s always important to be open minded about the future, so hobbies on both sides of the law will be includeddo check out the stalls in ‘Crime Corner: Hobbies that compliment a life of crime’. Here’s a small taste of what will be on offer: Solicitors- sick of soliciting all day? Why not unwind by sending a few unsolicited bulk e-mails? Or on a similar note, by making some unsolicited advances to strangers? Pop in to the ‘Unsolicited Goods & Marketing’ stand and see what we can do for you!

“Why, come and visit us at the drapery stall and your dreams of reconciling a career in law with a love of soft furnishings needn’t be haber-dashed after all!”

Have you thought about a sideline in draperies and haberdashery? We’re sure you’ll get the hang of it in no time - because in many ways barristers robes quite resemble a full length curtain. Why, come and visit us at the drapery stall and your dreams of reconciling a career in law with a love of soft furnishings needn’t be haber-dashed after all! Outdoor Landscaping! You already know your way around the courts of law, now ﬁnd it around the courtyards of law! Outdoor entertaining will be a breeze after you’ve ﬁnished work on your new courtyard- and before you know it you’ll be throwing your own pretentious garden parties!

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BRASH NEW REFORMS UPDATE

ALSO NOTED

The Law School Gazette is pleased to report the resounding success of the police force’s new Whimsical Crime Branch. The following is a wrap up of some of their notable arrests.

This year’s Law School Regatta is now in doubt after the mass fatalities at last week’s inaugural Law School Air Show. Serious questions are now being raised over the dangers of unqualiﬁed pilots ﬂying jet aircrafts.

The branch uncovered a dozen or so cockney orphans living in an inner city attic in what can only be described as a Dickensian pick-pocket ring. Believed responsible for almost all recent pocket-watch crime. The raid also uncovered evidence of links to the underground child chimney sweep trade, which is a timely discovery on the cusp of the chimney sweep season. Several restaurants have been successfully busted over incidents of illegal poaching. The tell-tale dishes included ‘Double Poached Trout’, whose recipe demands the poaching of illegally fished trout. It’s arguably the worst case of food related crime since the chocolate counterfeit coins fiasco last year. Several instances of board game based crimes including: 2 counts of trivial pursuit turning into actual pursuits, the attempted invoking of squatters rights in a monopoly game, a heated game of battleships leading to a recent accidental invasion of New Zealand and a game of murder in the dark resulting in actual murder in the dark. And finally, from the International subbranch: Several Greeks charged with attempting to bear gifts Portuguese-man-o’war charged in relation to breaches of the Geneva Convention and with war-mongering in breach of the Rules of Engagement.

The Law School has described last month’s ‘Law Banquet’ function as being a “relative success”, after there were no successfully prosecuted criminal charges stemming from the event and “very few” hospitalisations. This is a wonderful improvement from last year’s function after which several attendees either fled or were deported from the country- with reports of at least one guest waking up in a Portuguese prison. The Law School Raffle has been engulfed by scandal, after it emerged that the names of all three major prize winners may have been pseudonyms. Suspicion over the names of the winners, listed below, arose after each was found to have supplied false contact numbers. The complete prize showcase, including the coveted first place prizea particularly ghastly commemorative plate of lady Di from Franklin Mint and a lifetime’s supply of Gentleman’s Relish- has been seized pending a full investigation. Raffle winners as published in last week’s gazette: 1st Prize: Alopecia Popplehirst, 2nd Prize: Judy Le Strange and 3rd Prize: His Majesty Juan Carlos I King of Spain.

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A LEAKED MEMO OUTLINING THE PAPAL ITINIRARY IN BRITAIN Faithfully provided by Patrick McCaﬀrie Pope Benedict XVI (the earthly representative of Father Christmas) has recently made an historic visit to the United Kingdom. His visit lasted 4 days, from September 16-19. In a worldﬁrst, and a somewhat surprising journalistic coup, the Adelaide Law School presents a memo that our British correspondent managed to steal from the Pope’s person by dressing as a baby and reaching into his Papal Mozzetta. The memo reveals some interesting, and previously unknown, aspects of the Pope’s visit.

8.00 AM – Wake up. 8.01 AM – Fall asleep again. 8.15 AM – Get awoken by Papal bodyguard, Manuel. Shower, shave, and drink elixir of life. Source more baby sweat for elixir. 8.45 AM – Test out new Popemobile features: satellite navigation with Latin directions in God’s booming voice, wireless internet to allow blessings via Twitter & Facebook and on-board biblical quotations quiz for those long, boring trips through crowds. 9.00 AM – Visit local primary school. Issue apology for child sex abuses committed by the Church; express regret, promise to do better next time. Perform private mass for students (behind closed doors). 10.00 AM – Drive to country-side to address a crowd, describe homosexuality as a disease. Order new pink Pope-hat, Pope-shoes and try on Pope-tiara to check whether the alterations have made it the right size.

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11.00 AM – Tell people that the Nazis were secularists and that Catholicism is the best way to avoid another Holocaust. Cancel speech to Hitler Youth 70 year reunion - “It’s time to Nazi like it’s 1939!” 12.00 PM – Lunch with Manuel. Find a nice restaurant that serves bratwurst and sausages. Bring left-over Blood of Christ to drink - and money for corkage. 1.00 PM – Apologise (again!) for child sex abuses committed by the Church. Meet with victims. Ask them why they can’t leave the past in the past – bygones be bygones etc. Apologise profusely but refuse to take any concrete action: “I feel your pain”, “We’re very sorry for any hurt inadvertently caused” etc. 1.05 PM – Ice cream with Manuel. Find a carnival and ride Ferris wheel, dodgems. Make Manuel win me a prize at sideshow. 3.00 PM – Invite Anglican clergy (not the gays or the women) to convert to Catholicism to save their souls. 4.00 PM – Tell people that condoms actually increase the spread of HIV/ AIDS and that the only true cure is a focus on friendship and eradication of the disease of homosexuality. Concluding remarks: HIV/AIDS is the lesser of two evils. 5.00 PM – Back to the hotel for a quick nap before going out later tonight. Freshen up with new Papal fragrance Infallible – at least you won’t smell like a bigot. 6.00 PM – Dinner with Manuel and touring party at TGI Fridays. 8.00 PM – Go to London super-club with Manuel. Find a few bitches. Try out new Papal pick-up lines: “Can I cruciﬁx you up with a drink?”; “How about a slice of Heaven?” and “The power of Christ compels you to undertake a missionary position in my private prayer room”. 12.00 AM – Late-night kebab with Manuel. Discuss potential solutions to Middle-East peace process. 1.00 AM – Drag-race Manuel home in Pope-Mobile.

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SHOULD YOU REALLY BE STUDYING LAW? Andrew Christopher’s helpful quiz provides the answers Hey there! Feeling down? Slightly confused? Suffering from Jaundice? Take this cheeky little quiz to determine if the pathway of law is really for you. From the authors who brought you the ferociously incisive “Is My Boyfriend Compatible With My Gerbil?” and “Diagnose My Rash”, this quiz is sure to lay to rest any questions you may have concerning your degree in the law.

? ?

I’m studying law because... A. The Ligertwood is really close to North Terrace B. I’m trying to prove to my parents that I wasn’t a mistake C. It makes me feel superior to commerce students D. I’m gonna make it world!

The following is a picture of: A. That place next to the Hilton B. That place near China Town C. That god forsaken taxi rank I make for after too many cocktails at La Boheme D. The District Court

When someone mentions the word ‘law library’, you think of... A. A place to meet before going out for lunch at Nano’s B. Somewhere to check your facebook proﬁle C. Powerpoints to charge your MacBook D. A knowledge gateway to the stars.

The idea of a clerkship makes you feel... A. Sick B. Bored C. A clerkship? Sorry I never studied maritime law D. Overcome with anticipation.

Swotvac is a time to: A. Write the Hilarian B. Steal other people’s notes C. Ramp up your alcohol consumption. D. Alphabetise, colourcode, randomise, reitemise your extensive encyclopaedia of notes.

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To you, the name Rosemary Owens means: A. A subspecies of herb B. The daughter of the late Country Music Star ‘Buck Owens’ C. That email you ignore when it pops up in your inbox D. The Dean of the Adelaide Law School.

The Law Ball conjure up memories of: A. Vomit B. A dance ﬂoor covered in broken glass. C. Running to the bar to escape that loser from your seminar D. A time to have one or two sneaky beverages before heading home to immediately send out friend requests on Facebook to all those people who grudginly spoke to you for the ﬁrst time.

The words ‘optional assignment’ mean: A. No assignment B. Something you’ll consider in week one but reject in week two C. Something you’ll pretend to have completed D. High Distinction? Again?

In ﬁfteen years, you will be: A. Dead B. Working in a law ﬁrm as an amenities clerk. C. Living at your parents’ home whilst trying to launch your own organic skincare line D. A lawyer who has lost the ability to smile.

If you answered mostly ‘As’, you’re studying the wrong degree. Your success in the law is as unlikely as an Oscar won by Sandra Bullock. Oh, wait. Shit. You know what I mean. If you answered mostly ‘Bs’, you tolerate the law schol, your grades are ok, but everyday your soul groans under the the weight of a perennial and intangible feeling of emptiness. You’re so much more than this. Leave now, before it’s too late!

If you answered mostly ‘Cs’, I’m surprised you even found this magazine? Did you drunkenly mistake it for Rip It Up? DID YOU EVEN LOOK AT THE DISGRACEFUL FORMATTING OF THIS PAGE? In any case, the law scares you and you scare it. Shut it down now. If you answered mostly ‘Ds’, you’re committed, intelligent, rational and completely unlikeable. Your social ineptitude is unfathomable. You’ll make the perfect lawyer. THE HILARIAN - 0410 - PAGE 19

Berlin vs. New York: Showdown or Symbiosis? Lisa Catt

For decades New York has been the

superior power of the art world. Throughout the 1960s, the likes of Andy Warhol, Lee Krasner, and Jackson Pollock made the city into a world-renowned art hub. Oozing inspiration, electrified with flair, and pulsating artistic freedom, New York was abuzz with young, inspired artists wanting to ‘make’ it – and many of them did. New York epitomized life of the creative; it became the art scene. It was second to none. This art scene has never permanently settled in one defined location within New York; nomadic and reactionary, it has jumped from Chelsea to the Lower East Side to Williamsburg and back to Chelsea, with the fashionistas and hipsters closely in tow. Regardless, the scene has never left New York. Until recently. Now this scene hasn’t just moved to the other side of the Brooklyn Bridge, but across the Atlantic Ocean - to Berlin. Due to the high cost of modern day living, particularly exorbitant rental prices, New York is no longer the art world’s absolute. Young artists in New York struggle, unable to enjoy the same unassailable experience of years gone by. Enter Berlin. Jane Fine, an artist living and working in Brooklyn, speaks with an undeniable sense of fondness and nostalgia when recalling her

beginnings in New York; in particular, the large studio space she could rent for under $500/month. “But if I was that same 25 year old now, I wouldn’t be here in New York,” Fine remarked. Her ticket to Berlin would be booked. It seems for artists nowadays, Berlin is the city New York once was. But New York is not one to surrender and, historically, Berlin is all too familiar with surrender to rescind. So what is to happen? Most are deeming Berlin the conqueror, its popularity undeniable. However, such claims are made with haste. On closer inspection, a relationship seems to be developing between New York and Berlin – a symbiotic interplay between the two cities. Tiffany Wood, the Creative Director for Phillips de Pury & Co in Berlin, has certainly noticed the influx of artists and subsequent burst of the art scene. “They [artists] can live and work in great spaces as it’s so inexpensive compared to somewhere like New York. More and more galleries are opening in Berlin every month and it is definitely the hotbed for young, super talented artists.” However, the cities are fundamentally different. As Ms Wood continues, “It’s difficult to compare the two centers. One is a huge financial power and the other is culturally

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torn having had so many extreme political influences over many years...Both are key art centers but with two very different speeds and influences.” From this observation arises the question of the two’s relationship: showdown or symbiosis? Berlin’s struggle for stability and identity has made it “become a creative workshop with many artists...as it’s so fertile and challenging,” states Ms Wood. On the other hand, since 9/11, New York has become “much more conservative, much less tolerant, much more a place of paranoia,” and its financial dominance has made it into a “corporate puppet”, according to David Henry Brown Jr., a painter and performance artist. These opposing forces, in addition to rental prices, provide insight to the mass exodus of New York- based artists to Berlin; but are not necessarily indicative of rivalry, some deep battle for the art scene. Rather, they reflect the forces a relationship; a relationship that operates two-ways, with one city feeding off the other; a relationship that encapsulates the true essence of art: fluid, responsive, reactionary and progressive.

The 2007 I Love Berlin campaign, including the Koffer aus Berlin (Luggage from Berlin) exhibition at MoMA, illustrates how these two cities have worked to establish a connection through drawing on their commonality of art; as opposed to competing against each other for the ultimate title of the art world. Andy Warhol once remarked, “Art has no boundaries”. Assuming that art is confined to the limits of New York is, therefore, narrow-minded and essentially “un-artistic.” This exodus to Berlin should be considered natural, just a part of the ebb and flow of Art. It is neither suggestive of a demise nor great rivalry, but reflective of a transition, a development, a reaction - a connection; epitomizing the essence of art more than people have cared to consider.

It seems Berlin is necessary for the survival of the New York art scene, providing a solution for struggling New York-based artists; and New York is vital to the growth of Berlin, providing a competitive and dynamic environment that is home to world-esteemed galleries. As stated by Jane Fine, “There is still a great sense of community amongst people,” in reference to artists still living in New York.

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BARELY LEGAL: LAW REVUE 2010 For another critical analysis of the show, please see the Adelaide Law Review’s review of the Revue.

Walking into the Law Revue

rehearsal studio – Ligertwood 428, windowless and wonderful – I was initially struck by the age of some students in the room. Who would have thought that first and second years would have the gall to get up in front of their peers and risk being branded a failure or worse, inherently unfunny for the remainder of their degree? As a final year, I had no such woe and threw caution, evidence assignments and any iota of shame I once had, to the wind. Three weeks later, while locked in the same room at the behest of Mr Christopher’s whip, we mapped out the programme and discovered a teeny bit of gold in each of the sketches. Barely Legal offered up a buffet of humour; from traditional Law Revue territory - caricature and mockery of famous law school and political figures - to the brazen invitation extended to Ms Blanche Dubois to grace the stage, the pieces were unique in every sense of the word. Opening night is always a thrill. Bolstered by beer, lollies and a silly amount of caffeine, the cast of Barely Legal bounded on stage to a mash up of nineties tunes, which attracted more praise from the audience than some of the sketches. A clear crowd-pleaser was the clanging symphony of Harry Black’s Margaret Pomeranz and Patrick McCaffrie’s stony David Stratton. Another stand-out was the acute impression of our unfortunate political leaders by Nikita Oddy, Will Maitland and Hugh O’Connor, in the deliciously witty Election

Sketch. Dramatic and sexual tensions were heightened in the Little Theatre as Rosy Denny and James Apps sent ripples through the audience’s veins in Clerkships, and the energy and stunningly executed choreography of TAME! managed to leave not only the cast, but also the astonished viewers, breathless. While Asta Hill gave him a run for his money, a special mention must go to Rohan Shirodkar as best audience member; his whoops of laughter nearly caused a few quick breaks in the fourth wall, not to mention our bladders, which were ﬁlled to the brim as all running water facilities were coincidentally out of order. When the week was over and the reality of our studies set back in, the cast looked upon Law Revue times with longing. Having come full circle, performing in Barely Legal was probably the most energetic, creative and shamelessly fun experiences at the law school I’ve had to date. I should have had the guts to do this years ago! The Law Revue is the annual comedy show performed by law students. Barely Legal ran from 15th-17th September 2010. Look out for audition dates next year!

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QUIZ NIGHT REPORT “Everyone loves a quiz night!” ...Or so the popular saying goes. We’re not actually sure if it is a genuine saying, or whether it was just made up, but this quiz night aﬁcionado has been running with it for years now. The incorrectly-named “inaugural” LSS Quiz Night was held this year on the 15th October at St Marks College. The last record we can ﬁnd of such an event was in the mid-nineties. It remains to be seen whether the reason there has been such a gap is due to the fact it takes approximately 15 years to recover from the inevitable amount of alcohol that is consumed at each event.

No Quiz Night would be complete without formidable quizmasters. This role was spectacularly ﬁlled by two members of an Eastern European Circus ﬂown in for the occasion: Mr. Rohan Shirodkar (Ringmaster) and his accomplice Ms. Sujini Ramamurthy (Lion). NB: It should be disclosed the writer was part of the winning team and thus views the entire night from through hazy glasses of victory. (Both wine and prescription). Rumors that team-mates were forced to sit a general knowledge test are greatly exaggerated If only this amount of preparation went into actual coursework....

For some, Quiz Nights are a chance to renew old friendships and engage in a bit of light hearted trivia. For others, it is an all-consuming competition based on who can eventually drink from the cup of glory. (Quite literally – why aspire for a mooting prize, when you can scull Coriole from a silver Quiz Night trophy instead?) A sold out-event, run successfully by Megan Comferford, Bec Schulz, Joseph Scales and the Activities Team with an inordinate amount of sponsorship, the eventual victors who walked away were the demurely titled “Quiz on my Face”. It should be noted, a hidden competition within every Quiz Night is who can come up with the best pun-like name – “Let’s Get Quizzical” and “Cold Quizzel” were certainly hot contenders.

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LAW & DISORDER Alex Golat

200 t-shirts sold. Cheap drinks.

A long assignment plagued week. I had inkling that this pub crawl was gonna be good, despite the prospect of going out in weather that looked like it belonged in a Hitchcock movie. After a few drinks at the Oxford, we made our way to the Dan O’Connell (a new addition to the crawl route). The O’Connell was an awesome venue; drinks ﬂowed and a cover band was prepared to scream to be heard above the mass of people. There were students everywhere, which eventually led to a gentle removal from the restaurant area (presumably for intimidating the ﬁne diners, now surrounded by an academy of police force themed t-shirts). After going for a quick pit stop at the 24 hr Bakery (bless it), it was on to the Archer, where the alcohol had just started to kick in.

dance ﬂoor were probably not as attractive as I had thought at the time. Hmmm. I promptly stopped and instead turned my head to see a couple make out, a girl trying to make her way through the thick crowd in dangerously high heels, several about-to-get-spilt drinks and a highly enthusiastic guy belting out spice girls lyrics, eyes partially closed, a beer grasped in one hand. Good times indeed. Ah, pub crawls. A uni staple and an excellent opportunity to relax with your peers, order some cheap house wine and wind up with a cute t-shirt to wear to bed.

Keeping one beady eye on my bank balance, I was not as intoxicated as some, although I did indulge in a couple of dirtily named shots with friends (which, I believe, is pretty much a requirement on any pub crawl). After getting into the top room at the Archer and surveying the room, I saw a few girls with their hands in their hair, grinding against random guys. Watching the sexy dancing occur initially caused a slight snicker. This abruptly stopped when I was hit by a realisation that all those times I thought I had looked smokin’ on the

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LAW SCHOOL TEA PARTY Mabel Jones On the 5th of September, six law students converged on a charming bluestone cottage in the leafy suburb of St Peters for a spot of tea, and, feeling a little adventurous, some scones served with cream and a variety of preserves. One attendee (who wishes to remain nameless!) even had two sugars in her tea and had to be escorted away by an ambulance. In Adelaide, there is no such thing as a secret, so I can conﬁrm that all of the Law School’s widely-circulated rumours are true: 1. Lady Grey AND Orange Pekoe tea were served; 2. Milk was full cream (Pura brand); 3. There WAS a gatecrasher, but he turned out to be Gertrude’s gardener who had arrived to rake the leaves and mow the lawn; 4. and jams included raspberry, blackberry and cumquat and were sourced exclusively from Maggie Beer. All involved concurred that the afternoon was “simply delightful” and that “we must do it again sometime”.

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ciety law so e h t of Owens bride d and o ish’d o v w a t r r Thou f Lige hild o c r e t os it? Thou f tasy? pursu d a m ld ecs i t w a t h W a ! pe? Wh O’ 2010 o esca t e l g trug ghts: What s and li s e i d o th mel benea l e v e r t. oth. outh, r of b o swee o s , m s o l Fair y o a rics R r mort ties o and Ly i , e r. l d l a f A B hunge s, o r u e o w h e t i t rv r cans s, inte , neve r Mooter e v e ast, n ade, reakf nnot f Bold B a c e h fair! , s she be Crawl d b n u a P , And u love lt tho i hy w r e shed t u o For ev h t canst Never ! ieu; k n a ent ad Oakb t y S p S p L a d the ppy, h ried ver bi Ah, ha e r o unwea n , , e t e h t g t Commi e deli stice Equin u J l a ci ew; ppy So ever n a r h o , f d , An songs love! iping appy p h , r y e p v For e re hap enjoy’d ve! Mo o l y to be p p l a l h i t e s Mor m and r war e v e r za, fo ch piz n , u oung; L y above rve ever y u S r o d n far f o n i A d s n s a a ed by ting man p follow er pan ing hu e h b t a o t e For ev r , only , all b t high inner r D a w e a h . At L ent’s ongue a stud hing t s c e r v a a p e That l and a head, e r o f ing A burn Hall, ython n o B air by ide eers F ers Gu r e a r C a C t Wha t with se, n buil i a t d Chee n n u est? o a m e Or Win nds dr e a l g A r a e g r with h Matu ore anks As dot fl everm n e r k o l f i s trivia l her t, thy And al h g i N Quiz ittle And, l be. rivial t l l i W ce? sacrifi e h t ng to ord e comi s e Comerf h t n e a r g a e Who morn ar, O M pious en alt s e i r h g t t a mittee To wh at Com h t u o t th Lead’s 2010! ittee m m men o C ’ e! O arble d m u t d i n t a t owery Fair a ns fl e s all d i a t m that i a e y r t g u a w. Of law be to kno , w d a e e l n y is all ye Beaut , and h t r a w on e Ye kno

PRESIDENT’S REPORT: ODE ON A 2010 GRECIAN URN Hannah Canham, Sujini Ramamurthy and John Keats

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Vice-President (Administra�on) Report Henrietta Lyons Like The Cat Who Swallowed The Canary: For no better reason than to entertain myself I have decided to present my end of year Hilarian Administration Report through the use of a simile. So here goes...LSS Administration is like a kitten. Mostly it goes at a steady pace like the breathing of a sleeping kitten, sometimes it launches surprise attacks with sharpened claws, it often requires a lot of attention and toilet training is always necessary. The Breathing of a Sleeping Kitten: Breath in, breath out, in, out, in, out...income in, expenses out, in, out, in, out. A steady flow of banking continued throughout the year. Unlike the deficit or, to continue the simile ‘dead kitten’, which the LSS inherited at the beginning of the year, the 2010 LSS financial situation is in surplus. The main income was received through the solid effort of the Sponsorship Team and also through an exceptional year of sell-out events run by the Activities Team. The main expenses included ALSA related outgoings and the printing of this excellent magazine ‘The Hilarian’. The Surprise Attack: Like being attacked by a tiny ball of fluff the surprise attack on the Administration portfolio did little harm and was actually somewhat entertaining. Upon research into the possible incorporation of the LSS it was discovered that the Society had actually been incorporated in 1990. This information became lost over a period of 20 years. Lest we forget it again.

Starved of Attention: Like a tiny, mewling, vulnerable kitten the LSS lockers require much time and TLC. Prior to distributing lockers I spent a number of glorious hours sorting through keys to work out which locks worked, and in some cases, which key belonged to which locker. Lockers were distributed on a half yearly basis through a random allocation system. This system was well received and worked efﬁciently. Toilet Training: Unfortunately most new LSS committees need to spend a lot of time starting their portfolios from scratch, like a kitten learning where the most appropriate place is to defecate. This year all portfolios are required to organise a folder of information regarding their portfolio to hand over to the new committee. Information regarding any events, costs, time, feedback and improvements will be included in this handover document. It has been a pleasure working with the 2010 LSS Committee, congratulations and good luck to the 2011 Committee. In a poor attempt to continue on with this report’s theme I would like to close by saying: cats rule, dogs drool.

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Vice-President (Educa�on) Report Chong Tsang and Paris Dean This year the LSS has enjoyed expanding its education portfolio. We have made headway in several areas. We have introduced tutorials for ﬁrst years early in semester one that aimed to assist them in preparing for exams. Daniel Kiley, a former Adelaide University law student was kind enough to donate his time to teach these tutorials.

The LSS has also increased its student advocacy this year. With the law school’s help we have resolved issues that have affected students’ legal education. These successes have been in a large part due to the organization and hard work of the LSS as a whole. This has resulted in a strong relationship with the law school. The LSS also sent representatives to the Australian Law Students’ Association (ALSA) Council Meetings this year. Key issues discussed in meetings this year inlcuded the collaboration between LSSs and their Law School, ALSA’s national profession project and the national clerkships scheme. A major topic of discussion was depression in the legal industry and what measures can be taken by Law Schools to address this. This year the LSS also prepared a detailed submission for compulsory lecture streaming to the law school. The LSS recognised that many students have other commitments beyond their university studies such as work and the care of children that make it difﬁcult to attend lectures. Unfortunately this submission was not accepted. It is hoped that a future resubmission will be successful. Overall however, we have thoroughly enjoyed representing students in the education portfolio and wish the best of luck to next year’s committee.

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Vice-President (Careers and Sponsorship) Report David Jordan

At the beginning of the 2010 term, the Careers & Sponsorship portfolio had two basic aims: to increase sponsorship and to provide more information about a wider range of career paths. On the sponsorship front, we were able to achieve a 26% increase in total sponsorship through marketing to new sponsors and increasing the number of opportunities we could sell. This was particularly important – given the ﬁnancial position inherited from previous years’ committees – to ensure the LSS could fund activities across its portfolios. Although the bulk of LSS income came from law ﬁrms, we were also able to secure a grant from the Law Foundation to fund attendances at social justice conferences.

Careers Fair was a success this year, with longer opening hours and many exhibitors attending. We sought to create a bigger and better Careers Guide, which was made available not only in hard-copy but also online for the first time. The Social Justice committee produced an outstanding effort to provide a great deal of information about opportunities in social justice and notfor-profit organisations, both nationally and abroad. In the past, the LSS’ Careers focus tended to be focused solely upon the Careers Fair period. We were conscious that information should be provided throughout the year, and to this end we revived careers information sessions and introduced a careers information page on aulss.org. Overall, I am satisfied with what we were able to achieve. While it can always be said that more careers information can be provided – and obviously there’s room for improvement – hopefully we have started on the right track and successive committees can build on the work in future years. I’d like to thank Tyson Reid and Hannah Canham for their great work with this portfolio and wish the incoming committee all the best for 2011.

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Ac�vites Report Megan Comerford

In 2010 the Activities Team has essentially facilitated drunk and disor-

derly behaviour, approximately once every three weeks. Feedback from the student body has been positive, though memories are fuzzy. They have seen it all, from the bottle-littered grounds of Oakbank racecourse to the shattered remains of the Festival Centre. It has been a pleasure and the Activities Team hopes everyone has enjoyed themselves! As well as the usual events we have launched some new events which will hopefully continue to be held annually: Final Year Cocktail Night, an opportunity for soon-tobe graduates to erase most of the things they have learnt, and the Quiz Night, which ended in an impromptu dance-off between contestants and a closely fought contest which was eventually won by Quiz On Your Face. We have also worked with other portfolios to bring a new range of events: we have held a series of Social Justice Breakfasts which have been popular and informative. Special thanks to Rohan Shirodkar and Sujini Ramamurthy (aka Lion Tamer and Lion) for their amazing quizzing efforts. Thanks also to the whole team – Joseph Scales, Claire Wong, Aleks Golat, Bec Schultz and Lily Black (they’re the ones you’ve seen sitting in the foyer...every day...) Plans for 2011 indicate that it will be even bigger and better than 2010 - even more new events, amazing venues and some very creative ideas! Best wishes to Activities Director Elect, Joseph Scales and his team!

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SASSY SYDNEY AND MELLOW MEL TOUGH IT OUT! By Stephen Smiley Having claimed her double-shot decaf

soy latte, Mel, 23, skinny and sun-deprived, adjusts her pseudo-ironic, retro mauve and pea-green scarf, claps on a pair of black Ray Bans, and heads out the door and onto bustling Brunswick Street. Off to a faddy new second-hand bookstore to hunt for a tattered, yellowing copy of a book by an obscure existentialist, Mel dodges cyclists in lycra, Greek grandmothers shopping for chickpeas, and hipsters arguing about the latest laneway bar as she heads towards her tram stop. Meanwhile, Syd, 27, buff and bronzed, scoffs down a bowl of Manly Sea Eagle-endorsed Vita Bix cereal and checks his emails on his BlackBerry before racing out to catch his overcrowded CityRail train. Marching down the near-vertical hill to get to his station, he passes joggers listening to Coldplay on their ipods, a gaggle of SCEGS girls rifling through Dolly magazine, and a band of skips from Cronulla wagging school for a day at the beach. Later, busying himself in his soulless glass, steel and concrete tower, he finds no time to look out of his floor-to-ceiling window and across to the crowded waters of the Harbour. Stereotypes of the residents of Australia’s two greatest cities don’t get much more ridiculous than this: Sydneysiders, the thinking goes, are narcissistic, vapid and devoid of any capacity for serious contemplation; Melburnians, runs the counterargument, are elitist, insecure and constitutionally afraid of

being outdoors. That the Sydney v Melbourne debate has persisted since before Federation does not mean that the force of conviction of those on each side of the spat has wavered in any measurable way. Rather, nary a month passes without some kind of new evidence being unearthed which is said to conclusively prove the superiority of one over the other. So, is a verdict possible? Is there truth to the stereotyping? And should you, dear reader, ﬁnd yourself one day in the position of having to chose one over the other, which is the better for you? Sydney and Melbourne are both recognised internationally as being exceptional cities in which to live, work and play. In 2008, a liveability study ranked Melbourne third and Sydney eighth out of 140 world cities. In 2007 in the same study, Melbourne did even better: only Vancouver, on Canada’s western coast, was considered to be a more liveable city. (Being a fellow crow-eater, you will permit your author a parochial aside: Adelaide outpolled Sydney in the 2007 study, snuggling up with Calgary in a tie for seventh most liveable city in the world that year against Sydney’s ninth.) Much is often made in Melbourne of its comparative success vis-à-vis Sydney in such studies, but I’d advise caution: the ranking difference between Vancouver (#1 in 2007) and Sydney (#9 in the same year) was 1.9 points out of a possible 100, so in practice there is little to separate the top ten (or, indeed, 20) cities worldwide as listed in such indexes.

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Stats aside, the point remains: Sydney and Melbourne are top towns. But they are appreciably different from each other. For starters, Sydney was never really planned, as anyone lost in Surry Hills late at night would appreciate. Melbourne, on the other hand, had its neat Hoddle grid and sensible network of regular arterial roads from its inception. Getting from A to B in Melbourne, as a result, is easy, and in the inner neighbourhoods can be done without much grief along good public transport corridors. The same could not be said of Sydney, where a tangle of poorly planned freeways and one of the rich world’s least user-friendly train systems make moving around town a bit of a nightmare. Arguably, however, Melbourne’s accessibility is linked to one of its drawbacks: the city is neatly planned because it is mostly built on flat, boring floodplains. From this viewpoint, Sydney’s vice becomes one of its strengths: Sydney’s location, on a series of steep hills and peninsulas separated by harbours, bays and inlets, is truly breathtaking. Indeed, Sydney joins Hong Kong and San Francisco as one of the world’s great waterfront cities. Melbourne might have done some nice work with South Bank and claim to have a ‘Paris End’ to Collins Street, but these pale in comparison to Sydney’s magnificent sea- and harbourfront precincts on a clear, breezy day. So how are the scores looking? Still a draw? Melbourne may be about to pull ahead on one important measure: its tradition of tolerance of cultural minorities. In 2002, a series of UNSW studies found western Sydney to be the least tolerant part of the country, with people living in places like Bankstown and Camden more afraid of immigrants than even those living in Pauline Hanson’s old seat of Oxley. You do not find such clusters of intolerance in Melbourne.

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves: the pattern of immigration in Melbourne differs from that in Sydney in important ways. In Melbourne, post-war immigrants tended to settle throughout the inner and outer suburbs; in Sydney, they ﬂocked to the city’s densely populated inner-west, where they formed new communities living beside traditional Anglo-Celtic groups. The result? The nation’s least accepting postcodes now border those that are most immigrant-friendly: Sydney’s western suburbs meld into its funky and tolerant inner-west. In Melbourne, tolerance and intolerance are more evenly spread. So we’re back to our nil-all score.

STEREOTYPES OF THE RESIDENTS OF AUSTRALIA’S TWO GREATEST CITIES DON’T GET MUCH MORE RIDICULOUS THAN THIS In economic and political terms, Sydney and Melbourne are again rather different. Sydney is, statistically, wealthier but less equal than Melbourne. Its people are more comfortable with talking about skilled migration levels, market deregulation and touchy issues like banning the burqa, the sorts of issues Melburnians tend to shy away from, as newspapermen who’ve worked in both cities attest. Sydney and Melbourne have given Australia different things. Sydney has a Festival of Dangerous Ideas, but gave us Kochie and Mel; Melbourne has The Age and The Monthly, but hosts the WAGS parade that is the Brownlow Medal ceremony. Whilst Sydney produced John Howard, Paul Keating and Malcolm Turnbull, Melbourne gave us Peter Costello, Petro Georgiou and, with help from Adelaide, Julia Gillard.

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So, where do these meanderings take us? Well, as we have seen Sydney and Melbourne are indeed different cities. But the can be rather alike: both have endless miles of commuter suburbs and drive-time radio shock jocks. Both have good and bad coffee spots, a daily tabloid, and a leftish Fairfax broadsheet. Both have posh blue ribbon neighbourhoods and a park called The Domain. But both also encapsulate particular visions of Australia, and herein lays a difference. Melbourne’s vision is of an inclusive, contented, culturally curious country of immigrants who’ve come largely from Europe. Sydney’s Australia is more raw: a country of competi-

tive people who’ve come from all over to chase after big goals but still enjoy a few quiet beers in the late afternoon. They’re nice visions for a country with our history, but they are appreciably dissimilar. The question is: which do you prefer? I think I’m more a Sydney man – I like Sydney’s beauty, its honesty, and its history of sometimes saying the wrong thing –, but that position, when voiced at a recent curry night at the Exeter, found me sitting in a lonely minority. Let the debate continue...

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The Hilarian Editors would like to warmly congratulate several new members of staff on their appointment to the Adelaide Law School. Harry Black looks at each in more detail. Martha Stewart Despite Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia returning to profitability in 2006, the company’s founder needed change of scenery. “If I have to make one more Babka on Oprah, I’ll just die,” Ms Stewart was quoted as saying before the move. “I’m heading to Adelaide.” Trading her 1805 farmhouse on Turkey Hill Road, Wesport, Connecticut for a more modest sandstone villa in Kensington, Ms Stewart is ready to take on Adelaide University. She’s more than excited to join the academic staff at law school touting “lying to investigators about stock sales” and “sit-down country luncheons for 175” as new electives she hopes to see take off. David Lynch The university is very excited to welcome David Lynch to the Law School. His arrival in the Ligertwood bulding last Monday was met by the faculty with equal parts enthusiasm and abject terror. Students were agog as the filmmaker turned academic appeared in the lobby amongst a haze of blue smoke and a bevy of Eastern European prostitutes singing the Locomotion. Mr Lynch is expected to be engage students with what he calls a “challenging curriculum about a woman in peril” taught entirely backwards. My Lynch brings with him personal aide, Johnny, an Italian midget with a mysterious stony gaze and a penchant for red lipstick. Death It was with beaming smiles and twinkling eyes that the student body met with Death earlier this week. Many skipped class to welcome his arrival on the banks of the Torrens, a tributary of the River Styx. Death has remarked recently on the Underworld’s desperate need for hot young legal talent and will use his time at the Law School to scout for Adelaide’s best and brightest. Reminding students that death is not the greatest loss of life; the greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live, he hopes to convey at least 150 youths into Hades by the boat of Charon before the end of semester. Soon after his arrival, Death explained that this goal should be easily reached, stating that many students had already begged him to end the horror sooner rather than later.

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ALL OF THESE EXCEPT “IT’S

SUJINI’S PERSONALS Me: A legal stallion ready to stud. (Oh wait, I already am one!) You: Fine and fresh. Our first date: I’ll take you out to any of the fine establishments which feature a coupon in the Entertainment Book that my parents or aunt Pauline haven’t used yet. We’ll quaff the fourth least expensive bottle of wine on the menu. Then the fun begins: I’ll let you see my writ of mandamus, carefully caress your habeas corpus, then go above and beyond using all my hot hot ultra vires powers. I’ll be your in loco parentis. I’m a prima face hunk seeking bona fide babes for value.

Looking for a girlfriend. I’m thirty-seven, and have an extensive collection of John Grisham ﬁlms on DVD. I can cook a little (peach melba or zucchini ﬂowers on vegemite toast only), and will even do some cleaning (nothing involving mops though, too many painful memories my recently departed Puli, Craig.) If you have a big TV, and are an intrepid and audacious young lawyer who looks like Julia Roberts or Matthew McConaughey, meet me at the Tonsley train station at 6pm tomorrow. We can go on a date. It will be fun. I’ll be wearing one brown hat and one peacock blue over the top, so you can recognize me.

SB/F; PIS, VGL , FS & HWP FTTB who likes FTA and RTS and is WTR seeks TAU, VIR, AARI or CAP who is a DDF, BB, CD, TG with a GSOH. I’m FA. Please send SAE. ACA. Regards, Emmeline.

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SUJINI’S CLASSIFIEDS Do you like fancy dress? I’m hoping to start a group where we meet up and visit tourist attractions like the Maritime Museum and Tea Tree Plaza via the O-bahn in costume. My favourite costume is a Seagull suit on the top half, but with leather pants and boots on the bottom, like an SS man. I call him Herr Squawkenberg. You can wear whatever you like, but sexy Yoda suits kind of creep me out. Just to let you know. Meet me outside the Ligertwood on Saturday with your bus pass (Mum’s using the car). Maybe we can visit The Professor on the way home? He’s a bit blind though, so wear bright colours. We’ll have to be back by four too; I’ve got work. I have deﬁnitely invented a working time machine. I’m looking for someone to come with me back in time in order to stop Federation from ever having taken place. South Australia has for too long been overwrought by the wealthy and powerful colonies. A pox on this unholy union! I was thinking that we might pick up Ned Kelly, or Mick Jagger as Ned Kelly on the way, for the intimidation factor. Meet me tomorrow at six at Rumours, or whatever that thing is called, for further instructions. Ps. It’s not a delorean. Soz.

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THE REAL AUSTRALIA James Gould

It is a well known fact that every single person in every Australian parliament is

either a white lawyer or a union boss. How very boring! And unrepresentative. And it seems that everyone else seems to think so too. So whenever people announce that they are voting for a particular candidate on the basis of their colour, gender, sexuality, marital status or any other factor they explain that they do so because that candidate can “represent” them. But that isn’t really what they mean is it? They want someone who reflects them; someone who looks like them; someone with the same story as them; somebody who is them. What Australia really wants is a parliament made up of politicians who come from The Real Australia. Not some bunch of corporate hacks and hippie pinkos who have never had to deal with the Real Life Issues that affect the lives of Real, Everyday Australians. New Zealand has led the way in this respect with the election of transsexual former actress Georgina Beyer to parliament. And with reserved seats in its Parliament for members of the Māori community, New Zealand can be said to be taking its first steps towards having a parliament that reflects its population.

I like quotas. They are blunt instruments, but they get stuff done. You will never achieve a parliament that reflects The Real Australia by merely encouraging relevant groups to participate. Simply put, you will need quotas if you are going to get a parliament that reflects the populace. So let’s have a look at The Real Australia and work out who we need in there: Infants and small, illiterate children: The 2006 revealed that in Australia between five and ten percent of the population consisted of children aged 0 – 4. This is over one million people who are currently unrepresented by our system. In our 150seat House of Representatives, I am suggesting that thirteen seats be reserved for infants and small, illiterate children, and that at least one of these persons sit in Cabinet. Filthy perverts: While there are no statistics available on some of our people’s more private proclivities, a cursory examination of our society and surroundings reveals that there are a lot of sex fetishists and sex fiends. On any street in this country, there is a bearded man wearing a trench-coat with nothing underneath waiting to assault your eyes with the image of his shriveled genitals. Sixty seats

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should be reserved for people who can demonstrate that they are ﬁlthy perverts. This added requirement is unlikely to dramatically affect the makeup of our current parliament. Persons currently serving a sentence for committing a major indictable offence: I don’t know how many of these people there are. But at least two of them should be allowed to sit in parliament between meals and showers. Jedi Knights: In the 2001 Australian census, 0.37% of the population declared themselves to be Jedi. As in, the Star Wars religion. While numerically, this does not entitle Jedis to a reserved seat in parliament, they should be represented. One seat for a person who can demonstrate an ability to wield a blade made of light, control minds and use telekinesis.

So there, ladies and gentlemen. That is The Real Australia. The remainder of seats can be taken up by various different groups of your choosing. But from now on, in every Parliament, there ought to be: thirteen small children sixty ﬁlthy perverts two serious criminals and one Jedi Knight Now, this does sound an awful lot like ‘The Twelve Days of Christmas’ but there is something else you may have noticed about these numbers. They ADD UP TO 76, and as we all know, 76 SEATS IS THE MAGIC NUMBER FOR FORMING A GOVERNMENT. With this new quota system, a coalition of the above four groups could rule Australia in perpetuity! And they would probably be more effective than the government we have at the moment.

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SELF DEPRECATION ASIDE... Georgia Goldsworthy

Recently, walking down the stairs into

the overlit abyss known as the law library, I thought to myself, “I am actually going to miss this law school”. Unfortunately, I was then overcome by that blast of unnecessarily hot air and collective body odor and took a brief sojourn outside, but the nostalgia lingered. Now, the five or so students who follow this publication (much like the meagre following most people have on Twitter) might be shocked at that heart warming comment. But I’ve realised something. The river runneth dry. The laughs are no more. There is both a feeling of exhilaration at finishing, and deep existential angst at the prospect of defining oneself as something other than “law student”. Now as I skip a lecture to go to the pub and sit in the sun, I think, “Enjoy it now because after university, this is called alcoholism”.1 When I frantically send an email begging for pre-written notes, I realise this is the last time I will sponge off other people’s hard work and sheer brilliance. And when I finally sit down in a brief fit of conscientiousness to study the subjects I actually enjoy, there’s a slight melancholy knowing there will be no more of them the following year. It should be noted, this is not a portrait of intellectual rigor. But this has been life, or the better part of it, for six years. In this final article, I’d like to be the seasoned elder offering pearls of wisdom to the young and bright eyed students. But I won’t be. Any-

one who offers sage advice at the ripe old age of twenty three is generally overwhelmingly patronising. Also for all the nostalgia, I believe that when you have been informed by financial services you have exhausted your HECS allocation that is the point you need to leave university, ASAP.2 Finally, I briefly contemplated using this opportunity to apologise to my tutorial classes, where instead of doing readings; I have often attempted to remain inconspicuous as possible, in manner of a legal chameleon. I’m going to do none of those things. The best thing to get you through law school, and get you through life is a sense of humour. So in farewell, I think it’s only appropriate that the final edition of the Hilarian contains the five main sources for Adelaide Law School jokes. Perusing previous incarnations of this magazine for our Vintage Edition, I’ve come to realise that these are the things that remain eternal: gags that have been handed down from law student to law student, mirroring the legal precedent which consumes our lives. First, Ligertwood Plaza: The Concrete Savannah/Wasteland/Minimalist Triumph. Whatever you call it, the walk across this desolate stretch of space will haunt students for the rest of their lives. Second, The Law Library: The birthplace of the asbestos joke. Still have no idea if it’s true. Still will continue to make it until there is some sort of defamatory lawsuit. What this

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library lacks in occupational health and safety, it makes up for in atmosphere. Third, Avoiding Deadlines: I’ll return to this later. First, it is imperative that I watch this video of a cat trying to ﬁt itself into a goldﬁsh bowl. Fourth, The Lim Notes: The 1000 page Corporations Act is something that eludes even those who have completed the course. The Lim Notes are the only required textbook. Who really knows their origin? Fifth, The Law Student: A source of never ending material. Law students are among the smartest, strangest people you will ever meet. Remember, the self-deprecating law

student is an instant hit at most social functions. It’s good preparation for all the lawyer jokes that you’ll face for the rest of your working life. Whether it is a witty aside, a pithy pun, an elaborate role-play, or simple sarcasm, there’s nothing quite like a law joke. The ability to have a medium that publishes them is just an added bonus. Unfortunately, as I tend to believe that there are only a ﬁnite number of jokes that can be made about Ligertwood, I think I just used up my quota. Farewell, Law Degree, it’s time to Shut It Down.3

1 Not my joke. Much like most of the other material we have shamelessly plagarised in this publication. 2 I attempted to come up with a law student version of ‘toolie’. The best was ‘legaloolie’, which sounds either too ﬁlthy for its own good, or the name of some sort of elaborate word game.

3 Shut down my personal studies. Not the Law School itself. For those who tend to err on the literal side.

The Ligertwood Building, as seen through rose-tinted glasses. This joke would have been more successful had this page been printed in colour.

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THE HILARIAN: THE PATRICK MCCAFFRIE Patrick McCaffrie was born with the heart of a chimpanzee and, due to a clerking error in the hospital, was raised by a strongman in a travelling circus. Stolen by a family of gypsies, he was caged until he turned 4 in accordance with gypsy custom. Separated from the gypsies at a county fair he managed to hitch a ride on the back of a fruit truck all the way to Adelaide. Along the way he met a soothsayer who revealed the identity of his biological parents and several other mundane details about his life. Having eventually found his parents they apologised for losing him in the ﬁrst place (“we put up posters!”) and agreed to rent him a room. Just as the soothsayer foretold he is now a second year law student at the University of Adelaide (although unlike the soothsayer foretold he has yet to successfully grow a moustache).

LILY BLACK I can’t wait to contribute to The Hilarian next year! Having just come back from studying law in Sweden, I’m be super eager to delve back into Adelaide Law School’s crippling monotony. Like most people who return from such an exchange, I’ll have accumulated plenty of “cultural and political and social” experiences! I strongly intend to use The Hilarian as a vehicle to bore and irriate the entire student body with my new-found worldliness and cultural sensitivity. Like did you know that most Nordic countries have a mixture of both common and civil law systems? Of course you didn’t. But I did. Congratulations to this year’s eds, have a fun summer and may the Rechstaact be with you all.

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NEXT GENERATION ANDREW CHRISTOPHER Born on the kitchen ﬂoor, Andrew’s love for cooking began at a young age. Throughout childhood, his passion for gastronomy always took precedence over his academic studies. Often going without sleep, Andrew spends many hours cooking with his ezy-bake oven in his bedroom to perfect his recipes. Andrew tears at the conventions of classic French cooking by introducing jarring juxtapositions of ﬂavours, tastes, textures, and ingredients. His gift with food has not gone unnoticed, evidenced by the speech he gave on the importance of asparagus spears this June in Ljubljana, Slovenia. He thought being an editor of The Hilarian would help promote his books “A law degree - spicy on the palette” and “The slow roasted GPA – a recipe for success”.

KEN MENZ Mens vi har en svaghed for Ken Menz, han henvendte sig til fristen for at indgive sin biograﬁ med en samordnet luften af ligegyldighed. Vi kan lide det. Desværre er dette givet os licens til at udgive noget, vi godt kan lide ved ham - hvad enten det er ærekrænkende, injurierende eller bare skandaløst. Ingen kommer til at kende. Medmindre de taler dansk og / eller Google Translator. Lad os håbe, at de ikke gør det.

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From the producers who brought you MasterChef Australia and Junior MasterChef comes a brand new spin off... If there are Lawyers who want to be Chefs, why not Chefs who want to be Lawyers?

Lawyer For many, lawyering has just been a hobby undertaken by successful chefs in their spare time. Crafting an affadavit here, submitting an outline of argument there, there has been no opportunity for aspiring chefs to gain admission into this legal practice. NO MORE. This brand new show promises to condense a ďŹ ve year degree into three months of prime time ratings. Featuring a moot-off each week in front of the top high court justices, these legal wannabes are aiming for the top prize. ADMISSION. Hosted still by George Columbaris, Gary Mehigan and Matt Preston due to a watertight contractual term, this promises to be a smash hit success in 2011. THE HILARIAN - 0410 - PAGE 46

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I’m not a witch, I’m you! THE HILARIAN - 0410 - PAGE 48