TO ALL THE LAW BOYS IVE LOVED BEFORE

Words by Christiana Michaels

Hello fellas.

If you’ve seen the title to this piece and started to sweat a little in fear that I’ll mention you, relax. To clarify, I certainly will, but only in a discrete and convoluted codex that only we and a few selective friends will understand. Let the games begin.

We all know that the dating scene within Ligertwood is pungent with regret, gossip, and constant reminders of adventures at the stadium seating outside Law Ball. Like the exploits of Kakavas in the Crown Casino [2013] HCA 25, it typically ends disastrously (being an incestuous cohort as by-product of overlapped double dipping). So, what is the attraction to fellow law students? Why do we continue to do this to ourselves after reiterating it’s the ‘last time’? Perhaps it’s the illustrious daydream of two legally superior and academic individuals becoming a united force of managing partners. Maybe it’s the supposably ironic swipe right after seeing a ‘law student’ reference in a Tinder bio. It could even be an underlying attachment to high school paradigms that correspond with the convenience of place, age, and aligned politics. Whatever the cause, one thing is clear: the ongoing search for our very own law school Peter Kavinsky has resulted in the line-up of assholes young men who have captured our hearts, and personally played into my GOG (Greek Orthodox Guilt).

First, we have the encounters that are predominantly intoxicated mistakes, occurring in the dark depths of Loverboy, or the Riverbank after a steamy evening in the RCC’s Neon Forest. Although these incidents are harmless for our hearts, they are detrimental for our reputation, dignity and lecture seating selection.

Gotta kiss a few Young Liberals before you find your prince, right?

Then, the large quantity of seminar babes. Although these are never successfully acted upon, there’s nothing like the feigned surprise when these fetching individuals are in a very selectively enrolled 2pm Equity seminar. Hello, you. The relationship peaks at the acceptance of a friend request and the exchanged drunken hug when seeing each other on a night out, only to never interact again.

Finally, there’s that one we (and, by extension, Co-star) hate to love. They linger at the forefront of law love life, always weaving their way back into our cold, suppressed heartstrings. This one embodies the social disadvantages and reputation of single-sex education with women, yet miraculously causes rational academic minds to shrink into blank recklessness through a single Snapchat. An endless battle to shake them off, it makes their inhabitancy in level two of the library an inconvenient experience for the heart. Don’t worry, we’ve all been there.

Now don’t get me wrong, we all know success stories with a pending prenuptial agreement walk amongst us. I just have no doubt there is an additional flavour of discomfort for some as the breakdown of de-facto relationships is discussed with an ex and current girlfriend in the room. Moreover, some of us have indeed tried dating outside the four walls that unite us, only to discover the world is alternatively filled with men studying human movement who insist they will eventually transfer into physiotherapy (and never do). So, law boys, although the concept of romantically addressed letters comes in the form of my poorly curated Instagram story replies as a form of flirtation, the intention is virtually identical. You are detrimentally irresistible, and make the necessity of social distancing an impossible task. Interested in being the last one on the list? Slide in the DMs.

Law School love advice

Tips and tricks for finding your law-bae

Whether you are a fresh faced first year who has been caught off guard by that cute, shy classmate who has clearly (somehow) done all the readings and always lets you read off their laptop… or a mature and worldly final year student who is a little too eager for the fresh meat of Liggy (you know who you are), the Hilarian’s Law School Love Advice has a solution for you.

For our first edition, we will be providing tips and tricks to catch the eye of that special someone in liggy.

1. Find out where they study: yes, this might actually mean hitting the books before that last minute SWOTVAC rush and hanging around the library to keep an eye out for your law-bae. Pretty sure they study at home or even worse, in the hub? Don’t worry, we have some alternative solutions for you.

Advice from our love expert: — creepily stalk them after the lecture until you find their natural habitat

2. The stalk: forget about your ordinary Facebook or Insta stalk, you’re a law student and as any good law student you need to make sure your law-bae is the best match for you. Hitting up law-bae on none other than LinkedIn will show you all you need to know to confirm your long lasting professional compatibility.

3. Opening party: yes, that’s right! The perfect way to chat to your law-bae is in a relaxed and social environment. Hot tip - don’t hit the beers too hard. You want to impress law-bae with your

cool and casual demeanour. Don’t be afraid to flex those social skills and say ‘hi’ to literally every person that arrives at the event, this will impress law-bae because they will see your popularity and most importantly your networking skills in action.

Advice from our love expert:

— stand behind them until they notice you and talk to you

— try not to get a restraining order

4. Law ball: the most important social event on the law school calendar. THIS is your time to shine. If you’re still looking for the right opportunity to go for it, this is the night. Whether it’s at pre-ball drinks, on the d-floor, out the back on the Adelaide Oval stands, or in the most romantic of places: the bathroom line up. With a bit of liquid courage, tonight is the night to profess your love for law-bae, alternatively, try not to get kicked out before saying “hi”.

5. SWOTVAC: You have seen law-bae at their best, now, you see them at their worst. Show lawbae your intellectual skills by suggesting a study group with mutual friends, or alternatively, be extremely distracting in the silent areas of the law library (yes you know who you are). Either way, you will definitely catch law-bae’s attention.

Advice from our love expert:

— awkwardly stand by the printer until a cute girl comes along

6. Quarantine: Let’s be honest. In the wake of COVID-19 desperate times call for desperate measures. You may no longer be able to stalk bae or follow them around at your favourite law school social events. The only solution is to get down on one knee and ask your law-bae “Will you quarantine with me?”