THE ULTIMATE TOILET PAPER CRISIS SURVIVAL GUIDE

WORDS BY MADDIE MCSHANE

If you’ve opened your eyes within the last month or so, you’re probably aware that Australia is currently facing an incredibly pressing national emergency; the toilet paper crisis. Ever since it became the unanimous consensus among those over 40 that loo paper is the most critical of any emergency material in the midst of a world epidemic, the toiletry aisles of Woollies and Coles have resembled barren wastelands. But as they say, it is from suffering that innovation is birthed, and so here are five potential alternatives to TP that may just help you paddle your way out of shit creek.

1. Get around bidets

There is almost no more logical route to asscleaning than the fantastic plumping installation which is basically an intense shower for your anus. While they’ve never really gotten off the ground here in Aus, a staggering proportion of the Asian and European population swear by bidets as being just as vital to hygiene as brushing your teeth.

2. (Naked) Water Sports

Don’t have the cash to install a new bidet right now? Fair. I guess that means it’s time to make use of the wonderful waterways around us. Some rope, a boat, and perhaps a water ski or two at a pace can effectively transform any substantial water body into an outdoor bidet. Exposing your bare bum to the wild waters of the world is not only cleansing, but great fun too. The Adelaide Uni Water Ski Club is always looking for new members.

3. Reduce, Reuse, Recycle

Just because some man on the television decided we all need to wipe our asses with premium softwood fibres doesn’t mean he is right. Really, anything can be toilet paper if you want it to be. Now’s the time to give your wardrobe that deep cleanse you’ve always been talking about. Charities are great and all, but before you rush off with your bag full of ugly, never-to-be-wornagain clothes to be put in the back room of the local Salvos, perhaps consider where they might be better used. Cut ‘em up and pop them beside your loo, you might find your old shirt to be a better wiper than Kleenex ever could be. 4. Get in touch with nature

There are few things in life more freeing than openly taking a dump in the wilderness. This weekend why not head camping and experience that feeling of liberation as you use a fistful of leaves to clean yourself up. Or better yet, perhaps you could opt for the but little shuffle dogs do after they go. Pro-tip: moss is one hell of an ass wipe.

5. Just don’t shit

There’s lots of ways you can get constipated, especially if you are one of those lucky people that is terribly intolerant to dairy. Ice-cream time! Certain medications like antidepressants and antacids can also halt the bowel from doing its thing, so remember to keep up with your meds. If your digestive system is still unfortunately operative, it might be time to look inwards and take up Inedia, the spiritual belief system in which only light, not food, is necessary for survival. The practise of ‘living on air’ is becoming really big among vegans and animal activists, so if you own a pair of Birkenstocks, this may be your calling. Not only will you have no need for shitting and henceforth, toilet paper, but who knows, you might even have a spiritual revelation.