ONCE UPON A TIME IN LIGERTWOOD

Words by Will Broderick

For the second time in his illustrious and trailblazing career, a Quentin Tarantino-penned script, this one for his tenth and supposedly final film, has been leaked online and subsequently devoured by cinephiles worldwide. After this happened with his script for The Hateful Eight in 2014, the director apparently kept the script for his recent hit Once Upon a Time in Hollywood locked away in a safe to prevent a recurrence. This tactic has not succeeded this time, with the new script leaked online and exclusively picked up in a collaboration between The Hilarian and our sister paper in Los Angeles, The Hollywood Hilarian. The script reveals that for the first time in his career, Tarantino is tackling courtroom drama and law school frivolity and features some familiar faces in what appears to be a spoof of his most recent work, entitled: ‘Once Upon a Time in Ligertwood’. The Hilarian can now reveal an excerpt from the script, and will endeavour to publish as much of it as we can until Tarantino and Sony Pictures inevitably sue us. Enjoy!

Once Upon a Time in Ligertwood Written by Quentin Tarantino

Ext: Adelaide Law School’s Ligertwood Building, sometime during Semester

One. The sun is setting as daredevil nonimmunocompromised students

stream out of their final class for the day.

Int: The somewhat-shabby office of Matty StubbyHolder, one of the Law

School’s rogue academics with a healthy disrespect for authority, a

quick wit, and a mysterious past.

A knock on the door interrupts Matty from angrily writing an email to the University about why he should be allowed to use the microphone cube despite coronavirus.

Matty: What the fuck do you want? Enter Steve ‘The Commodore’ Dales, Royal Australian Navy (Retd.), a passionate and bythe-book law lecturer with a past that literally everyone knows about because he won’t let them forget.

Steve (fearful): Matty, I need your help. The Dean’s not gonna let me lecture International Law this semester.

Matty (taken aback): Why the fuck would she do that? You’re one of the brightest and most dedicated academics this university has. They could do anything to you, drop a fucking building on you for all you care. But stop you from lecturing? That ain’t cool with me, man.

Steve (tears welling in eyes): Matty, I don’t know what to do, man. All I know is I can’t just sit around here drinking whiskey sours and cornering first years into conversations about Timor Leste, Iraq, or the law of the sea.

Matty: Why the hell not? You’re Steve fucking Dales and don’t you forget it. You’re the Commodore! Goddamn war hero! You can’t let no Academic Dean or beaner bronco buster tell you want you can and cannot do and especially what you can and cannot teach.

Matty gets out of his chair and turns to his office window, gesturing at the departing students.

Matty (pleading but enraged): Without you, do y theythink anyone else could meet the real-life Dan Caffey or learn from someone with actual international legal experience rather than some bureaucratic bookworm?

Steve momentarily gathers himself. Matty’s words are beginning to sink in.

Matty: Now you know not to cry in front of the Mexicans, but you should especially know not to cry in front of me. Now let’s go see the Dean and sort this situation out!

Steve (resolutely): Yeah, you’re right man. Let’s smash this injustice like I single-handedly smashed Saddam in ’03!

Matty (somewhat awkwardly): Yeah! Or like Donoghue should’ve smashed that ginger beer bottle.

Matty collects his leather jacket and follows Steve out of the office.

END SCENE

In terms of initial literary / legal criticism, it’s clear that Tarantino, master though he is, has yet to depart with some of the idiosyncrasies of his previous film. We at The Hilarian will do our best to provide more excerpts for QT’s…interesting choice for his alleged farewell to cinema.

More to come.