The Quibbler Winter 2023

The Editor’s Desk

Dear Readers!

Happy New Year! I hope you’ve all had wonderful holidays!

I can’t believe we’re now in the year 2023. The Quibbler has been going strong since 2016. That’s nearly seven full years of Quibbling! We’ve had our ups and our downs, our mishaps and our triumphs, but we’re still here. We’ve defied all odds, and have now created twenty-five amazing magazines.

I wish to offer my thanks to all of our wonderful staff members over the years, and all of our many contributors. Without you, we have no magazine.

I hope you enjoy this edition as much as we’ve enjoyed creating it.

Cheers to this issue, which will be our last!

May Fortune smile upon you!

~MADAM StarFLASH Editor-in-Chief

THE QUIBBLER: NO. 34870 [WINTER 2023]

THIS ISSUE OF THE QUIBBLER WAS CREATED, WRITTEN, PRODUCED AND REVIEWED BY THE HOGWARTS STAFF AT /R/THEQUIBBLER. THIS ISSUE FEATURES ARTICLES THAT EXPOSE THE TRUTH. SELLING OVER 1,500,000 COPIES WITH OVER 29,000 DIFFERENT ISSUES, WE ARE THE WIZARDING WORLD’S ALTERNATIVE VOICE AND REASON SINCE 1989. WE THANK YOU FOR READING AND PURCHASING OUR SMALL INDEPENDENT NEWS MAGAZINE

NO AFFILIATION WITH J.K. ROWLING

THE QUIBBLER DOES NOT ASSOCIATE NOR AGREE WITH THE PERSONAL VIEWS AND OPINIONS OF J.K. ROWLING. NOTHING IN THIS MAGAZINE SHALL BE DEEMED OR CONSTRUED TO SIGNIFY A PARTNERSHIP, JOINT VENTURE OR OTHER AFFILIATION WITH MRS. ROWLING. THE QUIBBLER PRESENTS AN ENTIRELY INDEPENDENT ENTITY BASED ON THE FICTION OF A WIZARDING WORLD.

Do YOU have burning questions for our resident Seer and fairy, Madam Starflash? Got yourself in a relationship with a Vampire and don’t know if it’s going to work out? Debating on using a love potion on your biggest crush? Have a bully you’d love to get rid of?

Don’t hesitate to ask! Madam Starflash ALWAYS has the right answer for you! Contact her in Divination Tower at /r/TheQuibbler now with your desperate questions!

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Dear Madman Starfish,

Yesterday I found a galleon under my couch so I decided to treat myself to a lolly from Honeydukes. However, the rude cashier refused to accept my money! She accused me of trying to pay with counterfeit money.

To prove her point she peeled the gold off and ate my coin! The audacity of this witch! Now I'm out one galleon and I still don't have a lolly.

Anyway, what's the best way to clean a baking pan with caked-on grease?

Sincerely, Baking-Soda-Doesn't-Work

Dearest Baking, Not you again…I have warned you about calling me “Madman Starfish”...Anyway, your answer is USE MAGIC! I have taken my own advice and will be sending you a curse by return owl.

May Fortune smile upon you!

Dear Madman Starfish, I recently went on a date with the Bloody Baron. I thought we had a great time, but it's been weeks and I haven't heard from him. Do you think he ghosted me?

Sincerely, Lonely in Scotland

Dearest Lonely, I KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND YOUR CURSE IS ON THE WAY. Being ghosted is the least of your worries now.

May Fortune smile upon you!

Dear Madam Starflash, My sister told me you could become a Seer by cooking all your food with something called “clairvoyant butter.” I've searched everywhere, but I can’t find a market that sells it. Do you have any idea where I could purchase some???

Sincerely, Ghee This Butter is Hard To Find

Dearest Ghee, …Your sister is having a laugh. There is no such thing as “clairvoyant butter.” Cooking all of your food in any kind of butter will not make you a Seer. It will just make you uncomfortably regular. Becoming a Seer requires the Gift. The Gift is not something that can actually be developed. You’re either born with it or you’re not.

Try giving your sister a gift of cookies baked with extra regular butter. Even you will be able to See the outcome.

May Fortune smile upon you!

Dear Madam Starflash, I was told that the life of my dreams would come to me someday and that I'd have many magical powers. But when we asked about my baby sister's future, the Seer up and disappeared without another word! I'm scared - should I believe this Seer?

Sincerely, Imperfect Princess Dearest Princess, The only Seer you should be listening to is Madam Starflash. Your sister is a Squib.

May Fortune smile upon you!

Dear Madam Starflash, I had something strange come over me similar to writer's block, except it was computer related. I can't seem to find a solution to my coding problems! Do you See anything that might help?

Sincerely, Much Confuzzled

Dearest Confuzzled, There is a newfangled Muggle invention called the “Web.” Interestingly enough, there are no spiders involved, but the answer you seek lies there. You have been working with it all along. There is a force whose knowledge of all things is ALMOST as all-powerful as Madam Starflash. It is called “Google,” and you can ask it any question. I don’t normally recommend such a thing, as it costs me business, but just this once, try asking Google rather than me.

May Fortune smile upon you!

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Julienne

Last seen in Quibbler article stating she'd be going onto a long journey for an article. She has never returned from this strange journey. Family and friends are worried and afraid this "journey" might have been a facade or she might have been forced to do it.

If you have any information please contact Quibbler staff.

Help! My assistant, Iguer, has vanished mysteriously in a shimmer of light. He had been getting strange threats lately like "Leave the Q or else..." or "The Q is no place for iguanas, go back to the zoo." They

SELLING: Cozy cottage in South Wales. 1.5 bedrooms, 3 bath. Openfloor main area. Vaulted ceilings throughout with open loft. Charming garden in the backyard. Please send an owl to Brell Peter for the asking price and potential dates for open house showing.

BUYING: Cozy cottage in South Wales. Preferably 1.5 bedrooms, 3 bath. Must have space for a garden in the backyard. Please send an owl to Brell Peter!

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5900 Galleons OBO Owl Post Moira Doud

Still in This Room

I have a life full of empty space under the bed and a closet without dresses, worn out and made beautiful by time, that belong there

My forks shine silver and new as if they're competing with the blaze of my •uorescent lamps And only a single stain decorates my walls I don't even remember whether it's co•ee or tea

I know what Occam's razor is, but nothing about what matters My life lacks a world where colours merge into light Blue and red are only purple to those who walk with their eyes closed

I want to build a new world, the borders of which don't end at the corners of my apartment Which ignores work calls and leaves the bills unpaid

I want to learn to tell myself ‘I love you’ in the language of Afrikaans by u/nuhanala

art by u/azaleawastaken

bratwursts

Bring water to boil in large skillet over medium high heat; add bratwursts. Reduce heat to medium and simmer until water evaporates; continue cooking brats until well browned. Remove brats from skillet and slice ¾” thick; return to skillet and add onion. Cook 5 minutes or until onion is tender; add rice and stir. Stir together the ale or broth and mustard; add to skillet. Cover and simmer 20 minutes or until rice is tender and bratwursts are cooked through.

by sharirogers layout

It was one of those mornings, you know the kind. The sun was liquid, flowing over the landscape and mingling with the dew on the grass. The air was alive, dancing around him and gently lifting his robes as he stood, a black mark on the otherwise picturesque plateau.

It was his habit to arrive early and at a short distance from the meeting points. To take a few minutes to himself to ready his mind for the trauma to come. On his first raid he had apparated directly to the meeting point, excited and eager to do his duty, take his first step on the path of righteousness.

Righteousness.

A small huff of a wry laugh escaped him, painting a trail in the air, and he bent to check his weapons, his hand reaching to touch the cursed dagger in his ankle holster. Check. As his eyes lifted he saw the tiniest movement in the grass before him, a single red ant climbing a blade of grass. The insect seemed to defy gravity, its tiny legs barely making contact with the gently swaying stalk, and he watched for a moment, mesmerised.

He knew little about insects. Knew little about anything beyond death and destruction at this point. When your evenings are filled with chasing the bottom of a bottle of firewhiskey to drown the echoes of the screams you don’t have much time to pick up a book. He did know, however, that ants lived in colonies.

He used to think of the muggles as ants. Thousands of parasites, pests, huddled together, climbing over each other, a plague that spread across the country, that needed stamping out. That was why he joined the cause. His father had explained it to him, what the Dark Lord would achieve, how they would aid him. They would be strong, he said, they would be majestic, he said, they would be like phoenixes rising from the filth and ashes to a better and brighter world where magic was respected and feared. Ironic, the phoenix metaphor, given the self-titled group that had caused them so much trouble of late, but still the point stood. He had entered this war ready for the enemy to fall at their feet, awed by their brilliance and majesty.

The ant turned, seemingly abandoning its bid to reach the clouds, and headed back down towards the ground. It was on the fifth raid that he had realised that there was no majesty. As the muggle school burned and the flames caressed the night sky he saw no victory, only destruction.

It was on the eighth raid that he had realised there was no glory. As his father died in his arms from his wounds and his ears rang with the victory shouts coming from his opposition he felt no strength, only strain.

It was on the thirteenth raid that he had realised that the muggles weren’t the ants at all.

He knew little about insects, but he knew that ants were followers. He had seen them, marching in lines, keeping their course, following the leader to the next patch of ground to be colonised, the next corpse to be devoured. He had seen them walk blindly into pain and danger, through their fallen comrades, never wavering from the line because that is where their leader took them.

Today would be his twenty-first raid. The twenty-first time he had fallen in line. The twenty-first time he had followed.

The ant reached the bottom of the blade and began a wobbly route across the stone path on which he stood. He straightened up, feeling his back twinge in protest, and looked to where the ant was headed. Back to the colony. He wondered if the ant had been trying to break free, whether it had become disillusioned with its lot and had been trying to find a new life in its climb to the sky but had become overwhelmed by the prospect of going it alone. His eyes followed it, even as he pulled the mask down over his face.

The ant was only inches from its colony when he crushed it underfoot, marching to the meeting spot, to follow once again.

Liminality Christmas

And that brings us back to liminal spaces.

Number 5: Protect and Serve, Tobias’ Story

“It doesn’t matter what actually happened. The only thing that matters is what people believe.”

Tobias Riffington should be a name known to every wizarding family in Britain, but as we sit in his local pub on a Friday evening in December we don’t warrant a second glance. Perhaps this is because in the few news reports and associated court proceedings he was consistently referred to as ‘Auror A’, not to protect him as he hastens to add, but to prevent people seeking him out, to prevent the story from gaining more momentum.

“The Ministry don’t want me to talk, they don’t want people scrutinising things” He tells me, tone hushed, eyes fixed firmly on the slightly flat pint of lager gripped tightly in his right hand. “They just want it all brushed under the carpet and forgotten about, same as always.”

Tobias is not an Auror any more. In fact, he no longer works at all. He tells me that he sometimes helps his father out at his owl post office, feeding and cleaning up after the birds, and that he spends time with his mother in their vegetable garden. He wants to work, he says, but cannot, and the generous compensation payout he received from the Ministry means that he does not have to.

“I always wanted to be an Auror. It always seemed exciting to me, going on missions, catching the bad guys, doing something with meaning. I worked so hard for it. The training is really tough, and the exams, they really do only want the best people, and I would spend every spare minute revising and reading and practising. My Dad helped me make dummies to hang up in the back garden and he would charm them to move so I could practise my spellwork and duelling and stuff like that. I worked so hard.” Tobias’ pint glass rattles lightly against the table and he grabs it with his left hand to steady it.

“The day I completed all the training and received my Auror badge was the best day of my life. My parents were so proud, they took me out for dinner at a really fancy place and kept telling everyone who served us or sat near us or even looked in our direction that their son had just become an Auror. It was a great feeling, I was on top of the world.”

Tobias qualified as an Auror in 2008, some ten years following the second wizarding war. Like all newly qualified Aurors he spent the first twelve months on the job buddied up with a more senior member of the team, an Auror that we will call by the pseudonym Striker in order that The Quibbler does not get sued by her family.

“Striker was great. She really showed me the ropes. She seemed to have a sixth sense for when someone was being untruthful or misdirecting us, and she could smell a scam a mile off. We were the highest performing partnership, because she had a knack for finding the perps and I had a knack for distracting them. Our boss loved us, both of us. If it had just carried on like that, if we’d stayed in the field, then I could have had a great career, I could have been happy.”

Tobias quiets and he drains the rest of his pint. The nerve on the side of his right eye is twitching, and he screws his eyes shut in what appears to be an attempt to still it. I offer to buy us another round to give him a few moments to compose himself, and he asks for something stronger this time. The rest of the pub dances around us, full of merriment and flirtation, a Celestina Warbuck song starts playing and some couples begin dancing. I make my way back to the table, firewhisky in hand, to find Tobias watching one of the couples with a look that could almost be called longing.

When I put the glass down in front of him he starts, his right hand instinctively moving for his wand before he halts and brings both hands back to the tabletop, muttering a thank you. Before I can ask any prompting questions he looks back to the couple and begins to speak.

“I had a fiancee, you know? We’d been together a couple of years, and I’d proposed when I was in Auror training. I really loved her. I still love her. They took that from me. They took everything from me.” Tearing his eyes away from the dancers, Tobias looks back at me and there is a steel there that I hadn’t seen before. I ask him when he was assigned to Azkaban.

“Nine months after I qualified. I thought Striker would be furious, the team called Azkaban duties ‘babysitting’ and we had been absolutely killing it in the field. I reckoned that having our run cut short like that would have her in fits, but she seemed happy about it. I thought maybe she was ready for a bit of a rest or something. I never would have thought…” his voice trails off and he takes a gulp of his firewhisky before continuing.

As our readers may know, following the cessation of the second wizarding war the Ministry removed Azkaban from the control of the Dementors, instead manning the prison with teams of Aurors who were rotated between Azkaban guard duties and field duties, usually in stints of three to six months. Much has been made of this system, with the Ministry proudly announcing that there have been no escapes and that prisoners are treated more humanely than in the days of the Dementors. Aurors deployed on Azkaban duties are responsible for maintaining peace and order within the prison, ensuring prisoners get fed and exercised regularly, and patrolling the prison and island to ensure there are no threats. The island remains very high security, with anti-apparition wards and other security measures covering almost every inch, and whilst the Dementors are no longer there, many visitors and former inmates have been recorded as stating that the prison retains a sense of hopelessness and despair.

“It’s a bloody horrible place, Azkaban.” Tobias runs a hand through his hair, his leg jiggling under the table. “You get there and it’s like you can taste misery in the air. The whole place is creepy, and it’s crawling with ghosts, not friendly ghosts like at Hogwarts mind, they never speak, they just howl.” Tobias gives an involuntary shudder. “The first day we went, Striker warned me that it would be bad, but I still wasn’t ready for it.

That first day, we got there and signed in, and I thought they would take my wand but Striker laughed at me and asked how we were supposed to defend ourselves without wands. She said they used to take wands back in the days when the Dementors were there, but that Aurors held on to theirs now so they could defend themselves or the island. She said not to worry about it, and nothing ever happened anyway. The other Aurors that were there said the same, that nobody ever kicked off and that it was an easy paycheck.”

As it turned out, it would be far from easy for Tobias. He and Striker were assigned to patrol the inside of the prison for the first week, beginning at the bottom levels where those on more minor charges were held, and working their way up to the top floors which house the lifers and most dangerous prisoners, including what remains of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named’s infamous Death Eaters. Striker led the way, as they wound their way through the tight tunnels and dark passages of the castle.

“I had no idea where I was to be honest. If she’d left me there I wouldn’t have found my way back. Every corridor looks the bloody same, it’s just bricks and damp and spiders and darkness, and they seem to wind in spirals. We walked along the corridors, looking into the cells to check all the prisoners were okay. Some of them greeted her by name, but most of them just nodded at us or ignored us altogether. It took forever. I didn’t know so many people were in prison, it seemed endless.

When we got to the top corridor though, that was different. There aren’t many prisoners up there, maybe fifteen or so, and every single one spoke to us. They were all really polite, it was creepy, they asked us how we were doing and what was going on in the outside world. Some of them told Striker to give their regards to her family, and I remember thinking ‘oh yeah, she’s going to go home and tell her mam that a notorious mass murderer says hello’. It was weird. These people haven’t seen the light of day for over a decade but they make polite conversation like you’re at a society ball. They were really interested in me, because I was a new face. They asked me my name, and where I was from, and who my family were, and what my blood status was. I was talking to Walden Macnair for quite a while and it was really uncomfortable. I wanted to tell him to shut up, but Striker had said we should

engage with them because it keeps the peace. Macnair kept me talking for several minutes, and I thought Striker was right beside me but when I looked around she was gone. As I turned to go after her down the corridor, Macnair tried to grab my arm through the bars and that’s when I knew something was wrong.”

Tobias is sweating now, and his leg is moving so fast and hard it’s making the table rattle. I push my firewhisky towards him, as his own is empty, and he drains it in one gulp.

“All I remember is running down the corridor, and turning the corner to the last cell and seeing Striker with her head up against the bars, whispering with Rodolphus Lestrange. I heard her say something about placing an order, and then Lestrange saw me. Then the pain hit me, and all I remember is the agony.”

What happened to Tobias had to be put together later from his own fragmented memories and information from other prisoners and guards. Lestrange, it emerged, had mastered Occlumency following his escape in 1996, and despite repeated efforts his memories could not be forcibly extracted without being damaged beyond use. It is believed that Tobias was hit with a Cruciatus Curse and that it was cast by Lestrange using a wand that had been smuggled into the prison by Striker. From the point of the Cruciatus onwards, Tobias’ memory is unreliable, for reasons which will become apparent.

“I don’t remember the rest of that day, the rest of that week actually. When I try there is just white fog. I remember most of the next two months, but not properly, it’s more like watching a play where someone else is living my life for me. I remember going back to Azkaban, and following Striker down the halls. We would spend longer on the top floor than anywhere else, and we would bring them things. Just small things, things that the other guards wouldn’t pick up on. Food, mostly, but occasionally quills, parchment, tobacco, even potions sometimes. We would transfigure them or cast disillusionment charms on them so that we could get them in without questions. Lestrange had a wand, he would let himself and others in and out of their cells so they would be walking around freely on the corridor. I don’t know how nobody noticed. The biggest thing Striker brought him was information. She would tell him about planned Auror raids, tell him who was buying new premises at Diagon Alley, tell him who was courting who, and then he would give us instructions. We were to burn down the new store on the Alley, to put the frighteners on the muggle-born who was courting a pureblood, and we did. We did everything he told us to.”

At this point in his story, Tobias’ head drops into his shaking palms. Following investigation, Tobias was officially cleared of any wrongdoing by the Wizengamot, due to significant evidence that his partner had been regularly placing him under the Imperius Curse to force his participation. It is obvious, however, that he carries significant guilt for his part in the conspiracy, no matter how unwilling he was.

“I tried to fight it, I did.” His eyes look at me imploringly across the table. “Every now and then I would break free of it but they would Crucio me again and then replace the Imperio. She had my mind in chains. I knew I didn’t want to be doing these things, but it was like my body was being controlled by somebody else. My family noticed something was off, but my parents assumed it was the stress of the job. My fiancee though, she knew something wasn’t right.

That night we went and burned down the shop, she confronted me. I got home smelling of smoke in the middle of the night and she went off on me, demanding answers. I tried to tell her, tried to explain that it wasn’t me, but the curse made me shout at her, call her names, tell her to mind her own damn business. When she pushed, the curse made me Stupefy her. The next day, she was gone. After everything, I apologised, asked her to come back but she

that night Lestrange had given her an earful about a deal that had gone off down Knockturn Alley that he thought she should have told him about and he had threatened her that her family would be in danger if she didn’t fix it and pronto. I think she was distracted, trying to work out a plan, and I wasn’t the only one who noticed. I remember a few whispers, and then suddenly they were on us. Ten prisoners, all jumping on us and trying to take our wands. Striker went down, hit her head on a rock and then suddenly it was like the world came back into focus. With her unconscious the curse must have lifted, or weakened enough for me to break through, I don’t know. One of them grabbed her wand, and they were fighting for mine but I somehow got off a Bombarda and then just ran. I knew I had to get to the front guard station before she came round, but then I realised that they might be in on it too. I didn’t know what to do, so I just went on instinct. Pure instinct and adrenaline.”

What Tobias did, he tells me, was run screaming through the front entrance of Azkaban, shouting that Striker was corrupt and possibly dead without breaking stride, then out of the front of the prison to the designated Auror apparition point where he apparated directly into the Auror offices at the Ministry screaming bloody murder. Meanwhile, the remaining Aurors at Azkaban had found Striker, who remained incapacitated with a serious head injury, subdued the rioting prisoners, and confiscated Stiker’s stolen wand. What followed was a sleepless night at the Ministry as Tobias told his story repeatedly, agreeing to the use of Veritaserum and the extraction of his memories, and confessing to a long list of illegal acts carried out under the influence of the Imperius Curse including, but not limited to, arson, intimidation, grievous bodily harm, fraud, theft, and attempted murder.

Readers of The Quibbler may, at this point, be shaking their heads in disbelief and wondering why, if all of this is true, they have not heard about it in the Daily Prophet. Tobias’ trial was held in secret, with the records sealed. Under the influence of the Ministry, reports in the newspapers were limited to small columns buried in the middle pages, and were forbidden from reporting more than the vague mention that there had been a minor disruption at Azkaban prison and that ‘Auror A’ had been temporarily cursed and another Auror sadly killed in the scuffle. Striker never regained consciousness and died from her injuries in St Mungos the following day. Subsequent examination of her wand, a reliable inside source has confirmed to me, revealed that she had been regularly casting the Imperius Curse and had also used the other two Unforgivable Curses at least once each in the preceding month. Her crimes were never reported in the newspapers, and never subject to any formal legal scrutiny, and the Ministry continues to remain tight lipped on the subject.

“After it all happened, after my hearing, they took me to an office and told me that I could have a promotion and a pay rise if I kept quiet, but I couldn’t do it. I didn’t trust people anymore. I couldn’t trust anyone in the department. Striker was top rung, well respected, if she could do it to me then so could any of them. In the end they gave me a settlement and an honourable discharge on medical grounds. They tried to make me sign a non-disclosure agreement but I refused. I tried to get the story told in the Prophet, but they said there was no evidence and that it couldn’t possibly be true. So I stopped talking, went back to my little flat and kept myself to myself.”

But what of the corruption in Azkaban, I ask him, what of the death eaters roaming the corridors armed with smuggled wands? Was this allowed to continue?

“They turned the prison over the day after the riot. Stripped all the cells of everything and brought in new furniture. I heard that they added some new-fangled magic suppressing wards on the top corridors, you know, on top of the anti-apparition and shield wards they already had. Aurors still have their wands on them, but they have to go through a dozen checks on the way in and on the way out to identify any charms or hidden objects. It’ll happen again though. Without the Dementors, as long as those people have hope and have cunning, it will happen again.”

The landlord starts turning chairs up onto the tables around us, and I realise we are the only people left in the pub. Tobias stands, downing the last of his drink.

“People won’t believe this, you know. Nobody ever believes it.” He looks down at me as he dons his robes. “They’ll think you’re just a hack.”

I tell him that I trust my readers, and they trust me, and that as long as I believe him then others will too. And I do believe him. His story, as fantastic as it seems, makes sense and his eyes and body language tell me everything I need to know about his honesty. As I stand and we walk out into the street I ask him the same question that I ask everybody that I interview. I ask him how he has been marked by the dark. His shoulders droop, and he turns his back on me as he answers.

“They took my love, they took my will, they took my future. I trust nobody, and nobody trusts me.”

As he Apparates away I hear his last words on the wind.

“They took everything.”

by u/neeshky

My little boy is reading Harry Potter right now so I drew some illustrations for him. I hope y’all will enjoy! - Vicrally

study space Edition

Welcome to what is already the second-tolast episode of ‘Care for your Castle’! Today we will discuss your study space, or work area, or whichever equivalent, if any, might be appropriate in your day-to-day life. As ever, my methods of cleaning are not yours, and if you already have your life together, then that is, of course, great! However, if you are not sure how to get started, or

what exactly to do to keep stuff clean, I hope that this series can offer you some sort of red thread to avoid feeling overwhelmed. I know not everyone is physically able or has the mental energy to constantly keep everything neat and clean, so I aim to give you some sort of direction to help you divide the large task of ‘keep your entire living space clean’ into smaller, more do-able bits.

Who am I

to tell you how to clean your house? Well, aside from the dubious nickname of ‘the girl who has her shit together’, earned after I boiled one (1) egg in front of a bunch of drunk guys, I have also been working as a cleaner for quite some time now. So I do speak from quite some experience.

Photo by Angela Roma via Pexels

Firstly, the thing I said during the bedroom edition of this series also counts for this place in your home: clear space, clear brain. So, even though it is very tempting to just leave all of your papers and notes strewn around, it is more helpful to tidy everything before you start and when you stop working or studying. When you’re working on a project you’ll work again tomorrow again, you obviously do not have to file away everything, but at least make neat stacks of loose papers, close all of your books (after possibly marking the page for future reference first) and stack those up as well, and just generally make sure you can see at least some of your

desk’s surface. And then also wipe down that surface. As someone who spends a lot of time at their desk drinking a lot of tea, it might be a good idea to have a roll of toilet paper in one of your desk drawers so when you spill you can immediately clean it up. Also, have a trashcan within arm’s reach of your desk. You dont want to get up to throw that thing away when you’re in the flow of work, it’ll only distract you from your productivity. Being able to just throw that apple core, old teabag or piece of paper away with one hand whilst continuing to type with the other is much better for your productivity.

If you work on a computer, please make sure it is at eye level. I think most of us noticed, during lockdown, the adverse effects of sitting behind your desk all day looking down

at a setup that was not intended for such fulltime use. Making your setup more ergonomic really doesn’t have to be expensive either. My parents gave me one of their old (as

in, “it features in my baby pictures”-old) wooden stools, which I have placed on top of my desk, with a medium-sized book on top of that, as a stand for my laptop. I got myself a cheap USB mouse and keyboard for a combined cost of less than $20 (the price was less of a concern than the ‘how on earth am I going to obtain these when all stores are closed down by gov-

ernment order). Now I can type and use my mouse at desk level, whilst my screen is at eye level. My endless essay-typing, source-reading & Quibbler-writing is a lot more pleasant now than it was before, and I truly wonder why I didn’t come up with this three years earlier. I have spent so many hours hunched over my laptop…

Photo by Eldis_

Photo by Charlotte May via Pexels

eye level

Speaking of eye-level: it might be smart to have a very boring view - or no view at all - from where you’re seated at your desk. I myself am looking at a blank wall. This limits distractions drastically, and I have quick access to an overview of my planning, which I have put on my wall - more on that later. If possible, let your desk face a wall, not a window. And preferably also

not a mirror: the constant movement of your reflection will also distract you. And even if it doesn’t catch your own reflection, it does still reflect your home behind you, which I personally also find distracting since I see all the things I have yet to tidy or to clean, even more so during deadline-season when my house is, well, let’s just say, definitely not ready to receive guests.

I am quite good at planning and planning ahead, and I like to visually see my schedule in a clear overview. If you still use a paper planner, buy one that shows a full week when you open it, rather than just two days. This way, you can see upcoming deadlines earlier in advance. For larger deadlines that I know I have to start early to be able to make, I tend to write ‘one week till [deadline]!’ above the week before the project is due, ‘two weeks till [deadline]!’ above the week before that, etcetera. A thing I discovered during the lockdown when I barely used my planner because I didn’t have to look up in which classrooms my lectures and seminars were (since they were all scheduled at ‘on my couch’), is that it helps me to have a longer overview on my wall, where I can physically cross off the days as well. Random pieces of cardboard and pages ripped out of notebooks work just fine for this, but my mum recently gave me a roll of old wallpaper paper, which I am using now. Simply divide the paper you are using up in a grid [I usually have rectangles of approx. 10cm long & 3 cm broad, which allows me for about 18 days on one a4 sheet], assign them each a day & write

the date in the corner. I personally find it helpful to also write down which day of the week it is. Then briefly note down any and all appointments you might have. Not extensively, that’s what your dedicated planner is for. For example, when I have to work at two locations one day, I will write down ‘work 2x’ or ‘2x’ in a specific colour I only use for work-related things. I can look up where I have to work and when I have to be there in my paper planner. I mark the entire day of a deadline with a bright colour, and note down self-imposed deadlines at specific dates (‘finish 1000 words’, ‘[argument 1] complete’, etc). I stick that paper on the wall a little to the right of my laptop with blue tack. This might not work for you, since you do have to make sure you don’t forget to write down your appointments on both the overview and your actual planner, and constantly seeing your deadlines might make you more rather than less stressed out, but it works wonderfully for me so I wanted to share in case it helps anyone else. Even if you do not use this method, having a clear overview of your deadlines is very important, so please find a way that helps you keep track.

Photo by Eldis_

Back to cleaning. Aside from your daily wiping off the visible part of your desk, take the time once a month to lift stuff up and clean your entire desk’s surface. No need to put everything away or take everything off of your desk at once, just lift something, clean underneath, and put it back. Also use this time to clean your chair. If the fabric it is made of permits it, wipe down the actual surface you sit on, and clean the armrests, the lever you use to adjust your seat, and the places where you rest your feet. And consider: is your chair actually comfortable? Because if not, it might be a good idea to get a different one, especially if you are a student. You spend a lot of time sitting on that thing, so it is wise for it to be comfortable and ergonomic.

If you are indeed looking at a wall, having some sort of protective sheet against it to stop you from absolutely demolishing or staining the wall when you hit it with your feet might also be a good idea. I am using a very old large placemat with a picture of a dog, which is held up by my shelves. Buying a special floor protector is also a good idea, to make sure you don’t get wear and tear from moving your chair closer to and away from your desk all the time. Clean underneath that about once every two months, and take it out from underneath your desk to properly clean the protector itself once a year, but otherwise you can just vacuum clean and mop over it.

Declutter your drawers once a year. I usually do this during my summer break by literally just yeeting everything inside on the floor (after I’ve vacuumed and mopped it, of course). You don’t have to do this in one day, I usually spread it out over two or three, so please go drawer by

drawer. Vacuum out the drawers once they’re empty, go through your stuff and decide what you want to keep, and put your belongings back in each of their drawers over time. Throw the things you don’t want to keep away, of course.

Photo by Charlotte May via Pexels

Photo by Daniela Constantini via Pexels

Photo by Charlotte May via Pexels

Vacuum clean the floor every week, mop once a month. Like I mentioned in the living room edition, clean the top of books and behind books on your bookshelves as well, about once a month. Try not to have too many distractions in your study space, and make sure there’s a socket nearby so you can always charge your laptop. If you tend to work in the evenings as well, have a dimmer light available than just the main ceiling light, to make it easier on your eyes. Having a coaster underneath your mug already works wonders in keeping your desk clean, as does having some sort of

file-organiser if you work with physical papers a lot. There are organisers that store your papers vertically rather than horizontally, which helps spacewise.

Since study spaces tend to just be ‘desk+chair’, there really isn’t that much to clean. Just wiping down your desk and chair itself is already about it! I hope you will join me next time for a miscellaneous round, where I will discuss how exactly - not just where and how often - to clean, and where I will share the secret to stripeless-clean windows. See you then!

Photo by Ekrulila via Pexels

Do you only have the energy to do one single thing mentioned in this article? Put your screen at eye height. And since that’s just a one-time organizatory thing, let me cheat and give you another ‘one single thing mentioned in this article’: put away your papers and books and other messy things each time you stop working, so your desk is nice and neat when you start again.

✁

How to use the cleaning schedule?

This article is accompanied by the fifth of 6 cleaning schedules, one per area in your house. The use of this schedule is simple: print it out, put it somewhere easily accessible but out of sight (on the inside of a cupboard door, for example), and put a pen near it. Each time you clean underneath your floor protector, write down the ..[date].. / ..[month].. (or the other way around, for you Americans) on the dotted lines for reference, so you can keep track! For the once-a-year thing, you can either just cross it off with a checkmark or write down the date there as well for next year, so that it’s somewhat balanced (so you don’t do it in November and then January of the next year, but instead in June of both years). For the once-a-month thing, you can either just cross it off with a checkmark or write down the day of the week there as well, so you do it around the same day of the month each month.

Over the past couple of editions, I have discussed every location in your home. But you might be wondering, ‘Eldis, you promised to tell us how to clean, not what and how often! Now I still don’t know what the most effective way of cleaning dirty things is, and you just told me of a lot more things I didn’t realize I had to clean!’ And yes, you are right, I have realized that exact same thing throughout the last couple of days writing this series [fun fact! it is, as I am writing this, mid-July 2021.] So in this very final edition of ‘Care for your Castle’, now that you have a bit more of an overview of what and how often things have to be cleaned, let’s discuss some general strategies for the actual act of cleaning them.

As with all the previous entries in this series, everyone has their own way of cleaning that works for them, so if your way already works great, fantastic! If you do not have your own way of cleaning yet, though, I hope this can offer you some sort of a starting point from which you can start to develop it. And feel free to change: my cleaning methods have also changed since starting this series. I now, for example, use the swiffer to clean the floors (rather than vacuum clean) much more often!

I know not everyone is physically able or has the mental energy to constantly keep everything neat and clean, so I aim to give you some sort of direction to help you divide the large task of ‘keep

your entire living space clean’ into smaller, more manageable bits.

So, in the previous issues of the Quibbler, I have told you a lot about what to clean and how often to clean it, with some tangents on tidying and interior design (Make your home COMFORTABLE, people!). Now, let’s talk strategy. Nobody likes cleaning, I know that. So the trick is to clean without actively noticing that you’re cleaning! In the bathroom edition of this series [Spring ‘22, pp. 7-13] I already mentioned cleaning the bathroom while you’re showering, which you can just do to fill those 3-4 minutes that you need to leave your conditioner in for. Wipe down your kitchen counter when waiting for the kettle to boil/coffee to brew. Clean your kitchen cupboard handles while waiting for your pasta to cook and clean your mixer when the cookies are baking in the oven. There’s so much “waiting time’’ in your life, which can easily be used to quickly wipe stuff down. This way, upkeep is made a lot easier!

Just make sure you strategically hide cleaning cloths throughout your house so they are at arm’s reach whenever. If it takes less than 5 minutes, do it now! And during non-waiting times, just take 5-10 minutes a day to clean one specific place in your home. Decide which, and just clean it for that short time you have set your timer for.

Photo by Catherine Augustin via Pexels

This is, of course, primarily for upkeep. When you go for a proper deep-clean, consider which works best for you. Are you more of a person that takes out a full morning or afternoon to do your entire house, or do you prefer setting a 10 to 20-minute timer during which you clean just one room? And do you prefer a bucket of water with a bit of all-purpose cleaner in which you dunk your cleaning cloth, or do you prefer to spray the cloth or the surface with a squirt bottle (which, when the store-bought liquid inside is empty, you can just fill with water mixed with all-

purpose cleaner)? Here’s a secret from your local professional cleaner: it doesn’t really matter what cleaner you use for what surface. At work, my boss tells me to use only three different cleaning liquids: one for kitchen counters, doors, tables and chairs, one for bathrooms and one for the floors. In your home, you can just use all-purpose cleaner for everything, and use cold water with all-purpose cleaner & a little bit of dish soap for the floors and the windows, the latter of which I’ll get back to later. Use cold water for floors so it doesn’t immediately dry and leave stripes.

As far as the motions of cleaning goes: work room-by-room, top-to-bottom. If a room is decently big, divide it up into little, manageable areas. When you clean a shelf with little trinkets, start on one side, lift each trinket you encounter, wipe underneath it, clean the trinket, put it down, continue cleaning the shelf, etc. During upkeep, you can just clean around the trinkets, but do try to clean everything once a month. If you have plants that you have to lift aside, do that before you clean whatever is underneath it, in case you drop it (yes, I am speaking from experience. I can’t even count the number of times where I grab a plant off a shelf to water it and then immediately drop it on my freshly vacuumed and mopped floor). Since you work top-to-bottom, it’s best to vacuum last (well,

before you mop, of course, which you should do about once a month). This way you can also just throw all crumbs and pet hairs and other dirt on the floor as you’re cleaning. If you have to vacuum clean but you just can’t get yourself to do so, I feel you. Vacuum cleaning is my least favourite household task. If you don’t have carpet flooring (please for the love of everything don’t get carpet flooring, they’re so unhygienic and a nightmare to clean because you always have to vacuum clean) you can just simply quickly use a dry Swiffer sweeper to sweep through your house in one quick, slaloming movement. Either throw away the Swiffer pad, or if you have a reusable one, vacuum clean just the Swiffer itself or brush the Swiffer clean with a brush and dustpan.

Photo by Anna Shvets via Pexels

Pro tip!

Cleaning boring? No way!

Play some Disney classics, yell along with ABBA songs, enact the entirety of the Phantom of the Opera while sorting out your clothes, or otherwise find some fun jams to listen to while tidying, hoovering and dusting! And make sure you’ve got a proper reward after the work is done.

member to come to your house to help you clean and tidy. Make sure you tell them exactly what you expect of them: do you want them to boss you around, because they have not been staring themselves blind at this whole situation and therefore have a fresh look?

Or do you want to boss them around, because you just need some extra arms and legs to

get the work done?

Don’t forget to stay hydrated while you’re working, and order pizza or bake a cake or get something else delicious to treat you and the person you’re working with when the work is done! As an added bonus, cleaning is a hell of a workout, so there’s no need to feel guilty about eating that one unhealthy thing as a reward!

Are you reading this article and looking around, and are you just not sure where to start? I 100% understand that. Sometimes, mess has accumulated for so long that you sim-

ply don’t see the forest for the trees. And, in these situations, you need help. We’re not in this world to solve all of our problems on our own. Ask a partner, close friend or family

Photo by Cottonbro via Pexels

Photo by Karolina Grabowska via Pexels

Photo by Cottonbro via Pexels

You can also use playlists as a ‘timer’ for your cleaning. If you are the type of person who prefers setting a timer and only do one room, queue four or five songs, which is usually about 15 minutes of listening time, and clean until all songs have played! If you clean while singing or screaming along to your favourite tunes, it suddenly makes cleaning a lot more fun! And, as I said, if you prefer to take out an entire afternoon, a longer playlist is also unmissable. Either that, or an audiobook or podcast! I never used to be into podcasts because I can’t just sit there and listen unless it’s a university lecture, but when I worked as a cleaner I got into so many different ones! For a proper, large, special spring-cleaning, also make sure you have a reward for yourself, like baked goods or ordering something special for dinner. Pavlov yourself into making cleaning fun! If it’s difficult to motivate yourself, invite a friend over for whenever you want your house to be clean. Not a close enough friend that they will ignore a dirty house, someone you kinda want to impress. This way you have to clean because your house has to be neat to receive said guest!

If you tend to not see that your house is dirty, to the great frustration of your roommates, turn noticing dirt into a game. During a quiet afternoon, go around your house purposefully looking for things that could be dirty, or things you would usually forget to clean. Pretend you’re in a game show and the person who finds the dirtiest places gets a price, or something else that works for you. A warning though, once you know the

things that can and will get dirty, you will never unknow. I did this when I got hired for my first cleaning job because I didn’t want to miss stuff and be fired, and ever since I have not been able to unsee it. The top of skirting boards, light switches, blinds, the sides and turning knobs of heaters…. And don’t forget to vacuum and mop your stairs!

Photo by Monstera via Pexels

Photo by Cottonbro via Pexels

If you ensure your squeegee is dry at all times, and if you apply consistent pressure when dragging it down, you’ll find that you will have stripeless windows! If you see a drop while cleaning your windows, you can also, with your dry squeegee, start at the top of the window above the drop and then press down over the dry window, over the drop, to the bottom. Dragging the squeegee over a dry surface is more difficult, but it does lessen the stains!

And, at the end of our previous entry, I promised I would tell you how to get stripeless-clean windows, so here we go. Use a mix of water (cold/room temperature), all-purpose cleaner (just a little splash) and dishwashing liquid (also just a little splash). Get a big, soft sponge you only use for this purpose, and use it to clean your windows. Scrub all the stains away, wipe all the dust off, etcetera. When cleaning outside windows, do the same with the window frame. When your window is clean and quite wet, get your squeegee out. This has to be a strong, sturdy one, where the rubber bits

don’t give too much way. So don’t get a $1 plastic one, you can save that one for your bathroom walls. Make sure your squeegee is dry, use an old tea towel to dry just the very top of the window (where you’ll place your squeegee), place your dry squeegee at the top and in one firm movement, pull it down. Then, and this is the important bit, properly dry your squeegee with that old tea towel before you do the rest of the window. Each time, before you place your squeegee on the window, make sure it is absolutely perfectly dry. And have a little overlap with the dry part of your window.

Photo by Karolina Grabowska via Pexels

Photo by Eldis_

Photo by Karolina Grabowska via Pexels

final speed round

With that, let’s move into the final speed round! Put old newspapers on top of high (kitchen) cupboards, and replace those four times a year. You might need to weigh them down with stones, but this way the dust on top of our cupboards lands on the newspapers rather than getting stuck on the top of the cupboards themselves, requiring extensive scrubbing.

Another thing you should do 4x a year is run your dishwasher and your laundry machine without anything in it except for a package of dishwasher or laundry machine cleaner. I know it feels useless and like a waste, but it is sincerely necessary to avoid expensive repairs.

And, last but not least: if you, like me, have all kinds of receipts and postcards and business cards and other little memories from holidays, dinners with friends etc, and do you not know what to do with them? Create a memory wall! Choose a wall or a door (the inside of the door to your pantry, the wall in your downstairs toilet, one of your bedroom walls) and blu tack these memories on, if you can’t get yourself to throw them away!

Photo by Matilda Wormwood via Pexels

Photo by Cottonbro via Pexels

Photo by Cottonbro via Pexels

Photo by Monstera via Pexels

Do you only have the energy to do one single thing mentioned in this article? Then maybe you just need a little help! Asking someone to help you clean is nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. Maybe gather a group of friends and meet up weekly, each time at a different person’s house, where you as a group together clean that person’s home! Cleaning with others is much more fun than cleaning on your own. Try to make keeping your house neat not a chore, but a fun activity.

How to use the cleaning schedule

...and this is finally the full, complete cleaning schedule!

The use of this schedule is simple: print it out, put it somewhere easily accessible but out of sight (on the inside of a cupboard door, for example), and put a pen near it.

Each time you do something from the list, write down the ..[date].. / ..[month].. (or the other way around, for you Americans) on the dotted lines for reference, so you can keep track!

For the once-a-year thing, you can either just cross it off with a checkmark or write down the date there as well for next year,

that it’s somewhat balanced (so you dont do it in November and then January of the next year, but instead in June of both years).

For the once-a-month thing, you can either just cross it off with a checkmark or write down the day of the week there as well, so you do it around the same day of the month each month.

For the once-a-week thing, you can just cross off the number of the week you have done this.

The area marked in dark red is specifically laundry, the rest is general cleaning!

Feel free to black out the areas that aren’t relevant for you (Don’t own a gas stove? No need to keep that part of the schedule visible!)

YOU CAN'T WAIT TILL YOU HEAR ABOUT THAT!

All that's fit. In print.

Hello, my dear QUIBBLERers and QUIBBLERettes!

Oh. My. God! You will not believe what happened to me in the time I’ve been absent! Or you will, because you know I would never lie to you, my dear QUIBBLERfolk. So, as I said in my last article, I embarked on a journey. A journey of the utmost importance. A crucial mission asked of me by the whole team of the QUIBBLER,

for only I had what it took to go on such an important journey, perform such a crucial mission. Which is to investigate the origin, the beginning, the originating point, the initiation, of THE QUIBBLER.

And so I went; on I walked, up I hiked, across I swam, and when I was almost reaching a mountain slope that seemed a bit too suspicious, I knew straight away

Lasciate ogni cavillo, voi ch’intrate, perché per me ha attraversato una volta e dentro viene ancora arrestato

il primo cavillatore.

at the entrance to the cave, probably by other people who were walking around these areas when it began to rain. So I used the dictionaries to translate the verses and came to:

So immediately I was like “Wow, what a fun coincidence!” And went to take a nap. But as it turns out, it’s very uncomfortable to nap at the entrance to a cave, so I looked for someplace more comfortable deeper in. That’s when I fell into a hole!

I had to investigate. I was sure to find some answers, but it started to rain. And because there was still a river to cross before reaching the slope, I made the mistake of deciding to rest a bit in a cave that I found nearby. I knew that cave would put me up to no good, it was full of nonsense. At the very entrance there was a sign reading a weird message. The inscriptions were:

I knew that it was Italian because it came from a very boring and deceitful poem by some long dead poet, which I happen to know by heart word by word– I would recognize those verses anywhere. I also happened to find some italian dictionaries thrown onto the floor

Leave all quibbles, you who enter, For through me went once And inside lies stuck still

The first quibbler

Can you believe that? Someone was irresponsible enough to dig up a hole and just leave it there! But I found out that the hole was actually a tunnel that took me to a weird chamber, where I saw some light and heard a voice, like a ghost talking to me. The voice

told me I had been trapped and that for me to leave I would have to complete a task. It was no good trying to explain that I was already onto a task –a very important one!!– , the ghost simply wouldn’t listen! Such impertinence!

So there I was, stuck with a thick creature who insisted on babbling about this mission and I figured I’d better do the task if I wanted to leave that place.

“We are the guardians of the Quibble,” the creature told me. “And here we stay, to protect the Quibble from being accessed by those unworthy.” The voice was being a bit dramatic, I reckoned. “Every time a traveler wanders into this cave in search of the Quibble, they must face the Trial and prove their worth of soul.

Now it is thy time” Totally dramatic. I was starting to get quite bored with all this lengthy speech no one really asked for. There was a pause before the voice asked me, “Art thou not going to ask what is the Trial?”

“As I’ve tried to tell you, I’m not really interested, thank you,” I tried explaining.

“Usually that’s the part when the lost traveler asks about the Trials.” “Well, you see, I’m not everyone, dear. I’m sure you’ve never had a Geraldine Julienne in here. If you did, the decoration wouldn’t be so terrible, if you’ll excuse my saying so.”

“What is a Geraldine?” the voice asked.

“Never you mind that, dear. C’mon now, on you go with the story, I don’t have all the time in the world.”

That seemed to work, because the voice resumed the boring speech. Some people really try you, don’t they? “The Trial will judge thy

worth of soul…”

“You already mentioned that part.”

“And so you need to conquer the Thesis. A foe of thine has been imprisoned also, and thy efforts shall free you both. And so we shall see, wilt thou find kindness in thy heart to try and free a foe alongside thyself?” And at this moment, with a bright shimmer of light I saw a man appearing in a cell in a corner of the chamber. I had never seen that person in my life.

“Who’s that?” I asked. “So you don’t recognize me?” The man asked. Turns out his name is Iguana. I do have an enemy who is an iguana who works here in the QUIBBLER by the way, so maybe the voice’s magic is not so strong and it mistakenly grabbed a person called Iguana instead of an iguana.

“I’m used to saving people’s lives, this shouldn’t be difficult.” And so I went into that so-called Trial. It was nothing exciting, really. I had to conquer a Thesis and for that I needed to collect some small creature in the wilderness called a Corpus. After collecting enough of them, I needed to somehow learn to communicate with them so they could lead me to the Thesis. I did that and got to the Thesis, we had a sword fight, yada yada yada, I won of course, the Corpi all cheered and begged me to stay there forever and be their queen. I had to refuse and explain to them that I was already

the queen of many other places and needed to get back to them, so I couldn’t stay. After that I dragged the dead corpse and the shattered sword of the Thesis back to the cave to show the voice. The corpse and shattered sword disappeared because apparently they weren’t actually real, they were just meant to scare me. Lame. The voice said “Very well,” sounding very impressed. After having collected the Corpus and conquered the Thesis, I had proven my worth of soul. And sword fight I would say. And also my charisma with creatures of the wilderness.

“Thou hast won thy freedom and thy foe’s as well,” the voice said and the man I had never seen before vanished. In the back of the chamber a tunnel opened itself and the voice said I could move on. The tunnel passed beneath the river towards the mountain slope. I knew there was something suspicious about that slope! That’s how I got to the most important point of the journey to find out the origin, the starting point, the beginning, of THE QUIBBLER. What I discovered on the other side of the tunnel is still confusing in my mind and will require further research. Stay tuned, my dear QUIBBLERers and QUIBBLERettes! I’ll be coming with more updates soon.

P.S.: I heard that that iguana who loves to spread lies and taint the reputation of our dear QUIBBLER has been absent lately. At least some good news while I was away. Let’s hope that despicable being has gone forever from our lives!

Written by iguerr Layout by anne_seelmann

–Your dear Geraldine Julienne

LAW ENFORCEMENT REPORTS

BREAKING NEWS:

MLE is pleased to announce live reports of some of these logs on Wizard radio station, "Twitch.tv/powergamersdandd" every other Friday at 6:30PM PST

MAGICAL LAW ENFORCEMENT PATROL:

◊ August 13, 2022 2:45PM - Chudley Cannons team manager issued a citation for running an illegal bingo parlor. Citizens are reminded that bingo was outlawed by the wizengamot in 1824 and you all know why.

◊ August 24, 2022 5:09AM - Teenage witch arrested for attempting to break into Gringotts. When questioned the suspect claimed she “wasn’t seriously going to do it.”

◊ September 4, 2022 6:48PM - Aurors called out to a home in Cardiff to deal with a domestic disturbance. Authorities found a elderly wizard fist fighting with a parrot. Both parties were taken into custody.

DEPARTMENT FOR THE REGULATION AND CONTROL OF MAGICAL CREATURES:

◊ August 17, 2022 6:49AM - A menagerie advertising “swamp dragons'' was shut down by authorities after it was discovered the business had been importing common muggle alligators. Both dragons and alligators are illegal to own in the UK.

◊ September 19, 2022 7:04AM - A parrot was cited for jay-walking. This is the parrot’s

second brush with the law this month. Authorities warned him of a third strike.

◊ September 24, 2022 9:18PM - Aurors were called to a vacant lot in Dublin to deal with reports of a banshee. Authorities discovered the banshee was actually a common goat with unusually strong vocal chords. The goat was relocated to a less populated area. No arrests were made.

DEPARTMENT OF INTOXICATING SUBSTANCES

◊ August 28, 2022 4:42AM - London wizard arrested for selling gummy bears. The gummy bears were not of dubious or illegal nature, but locals reported he was “being weird about it”.

◊ August 29, 2022 9:15AM - Liverpool barmaid cited for false advertising for putting too little butter in her butterbeer.

IMPROPER USE OF MAGIC OFFICE

◊ August 1, 2022 2:58PM - Parents of a Norfolk witch cited for allowing their daughter to use magic outside of school hours.

◊ September 25, 2022 9:15AM - Ipswich wizard arrested for failing to register his parrot animagus form. Suspect is on his third strike and currently awaiting sentencing.

September 27, 2022 1:32AM - Glasgow wizard issued a fine for using his toilet seat as an unauthorized portkey.

OF MYSTERIES

LAWENFORCE

Colloportus

- Minerva McGonagall

"I've always wanted to use that spell."

Illustration by anne_seelmann

Auror Logs

Author: KackelDackel Layout: anne_seelmann (Using a template made by u/Mathy16)

Classifieds

Contributors:

• iguerr

• XanCanStand

• wiksry Layout: anne_seelmann (Using a template made by u/Mathy16)

Cover

Layout: anne_seelmann (Using a template made by u/Mathy16)

Castles and Burrows

‘Care for your Castle: Eldis' Top Tips for a Hygienic House: Study Space Edition’

Author: Eldis_ Layout: anne_seelmann Illustration: Eldis_ Photos: Angela Roma Charlotte May Daniela Constantini Ekrulila Eldis_ Sources: https://www.pexels.com/

‘Care for your Castle: Eldis' Top Tips for a Hygienic House: Miscellaneous’

Author: Eldis_ Layout: anne_seelmann Illustration: Eldis_ Photos: Anna Shvets Catherine Augustin Cottonbro Studio Karolina Grabowska Matilda Wormwood Monstera Sources: https://www.pexels.com/

Crafts, Hobbies, and Brews

‘Viktor's Yule Ball Bratwurst and Rice’

Author: sharirogers Layout: 7ustine

Dark Arts

‘Liminality, or, How Nothing Stops the Magic of Christmas’

Author: Eldis_ Layout: 7ustine ‘Little Ant’ Author: Neeshky Layout: 7ustine Illustration: Azaleawastaken Source: https://imgur.com/a/kTchyPL

‘Marked by the Dark: Number 5, Protect and Serve, Tobias' Story’

Author: Neeshky Layout: 7ustine Illustration: 7ustine Divination

‘Hogwarts Horoscopes Fall 2022’

Author: starflashfairy Layout: anne_seelmann

Education

‘The Immaculate Conception’

Author: Cody02_07_01 Layout: SinsationalDoom Entertainment

‘Still in This Room’

Author: nuhanala Layout: Azaleawastaken Illustration: Azaleawastaken

‘What Does the Fox Feel?’

Author: nuhanala Layout: SinsationalDoom

Independent Art

‘Illustrations’

Artist: Vicrally Sources: https://imgur.com/a/9dvlfDV

‘Untitled’ Artist: Repulsive-Drama-9855 Sources: https://imgur.com/a/NlwXbFg

‘Internal Night’ Artist: BinteMuhammad Sources: https://i.imgur.com/W7tEgq5.jpg

‘The Tipsy House Elf ’ Artist: Bubbles_The_Defender Sources: https://imgur.com/a/0gbrSIC

‘McGonagall’ Artist: anne_seelmann

News and Features

‘EDITOR'S DESK WINTER 2023’

Author: starflashfairy Layout: anne_seelmann

‘You can’t wait till you hear about this!’

Author: iguerr Layout: anne_seelmann