Local man tested for coronavirus 20,000 times in single day.
Editors' Introduction Hello reader, and welcome to the not at all awaited return of The Lemon Compressed, as we seek to carry on providing our zesty goodness regardless of any global pandemic. Eagle eyed readers may have noticed that this issue is A4, which should make it easy to print out if you happen to desire a physical copy. As well as changing the format we happened to have changed our editors, who you may recognise as the former Viscount Clay and the former President in Exile Chris Small. Who says that providing a complete absence of leadership will automatically mean providing a complete absence of editorial ability eh? In this issue you’ll find your favourite flavour of News and Politics articles (provided that your favourite flavour is COVID flavour), TLP’s own guide to social distancing, a message from our new president ‘Big Barry’ and of course, the Horoscopes. It's a whole special concoction of horror, packed into a print package, ready to stream out of your printer like a baby who just can't stop vomiting. The Lemon Press is many things, and it wouldn't be unfair to say that most of those things should be barred in the modern world, but with a handful of award nominations from the Student Publication Association (cheers for that lads), a fresh committee, and more time on our hands than we could have possibly expected, TLP will continue to provide its special brand of nonsense. Enjoy. Chris Small and Harry Clay
Contents Campus News & Politics Sports Arts Features Letters & Horoscopes
p2 p 3‐4 p5 p5 p6 p7
The Lemon Press Staff
Editors: Harry Clay and Chris Small
Deputy Editors: Holly Palmer and Matt Higgins Sub Editor: Lucy Purkis Charters Campus Editor: Judd Bennett News & Politics Editors: Harry James, Niall McGenity, and Kathryn Downey Lifestyle Editors: Charles Proctor and Joe Thornton Arts Editors: Joe Thornton and Charles Proctor Sports Editor: Judd Bennett Illustrators: Niall McGenity (Front Cover and Various), and Holly Palmer (Various) President: Harry James Treasurer: Charles Proctor Secretary: Bex Scott Vice-President: Will Rowan Social Secretary: Beth Hubbard Ordinary Members: Nick Lunn, Niall McGenity, Chay Quinn, and Joe Thornton Contributors: Iwan Stone, Tom Davies, Bry Daniels, Ashvini Rae, Millie Emilia-Cole, Garson Campbell III, James Rhodes, Henry Dyer, and Perkin Amalaraj
Correctly following social distancing measures by taking the precaution of having never met.
Contact the editors at: thelemonpresseditor@gmail.com Contact the society at: lemonpress@yusu.org Disclaimer: No facts or actual attributable quotations are published in this satirical magazine. Produced 4th May 2020.
To: All TLP Writers
From the Office of the Editors
From: Chris and Harry Subject: Kevin the Intern Lemon Press whipping boy/lackey/intern Kevin has been furloughed as The Lemon Press seeks to secure its financial position and reduce costs amid an industry-wide collapse in revenue owing to the pandemic. Kevin, the longest-serving and sole member of the non-editorial internship staff, has been furloughed under the government's scheme, and will be receiving 80% of his regular salary (£0).
1
Contents
Other more drastic steps have been taken at other campus media outlets. York Vision have laid off their non editorial committee staff, leading to zero change in their staffing. At Nouse, the shortage of campus news has led to discussions at the highest level to contemplate turning the entire paper into an opinion section. Only the broadcast critical staff at YSTV and URY have been kept on. At YSTV, sources suggest plans are being drawn up to create a 24/7 stream of hit classics “Checkmate” and “Checkmate” to keep viewers entertained. Despite the lockdown and absence of most leisure activities, URY listening figures remain stable at two. Henry Dyer (Also Unpaid)
Good lord, it lives!
'Flatten the curve' proves the Earth is flat.
York Overwhelmed by Martin Madness Ollie Martin DJ Set Review Fear spread across the University community last night as record numbers of students reported a shortness of breath, rising heart rates, and feeling ‘unbearably hot’. Unity Health has resorted to panic stations as it prepares to deal with this situation, however, we have concerns that they will not have the resources to deal with these symptoms of watching Ollie Martin’s DJ set. With a presumed half the university population devotedly watching this doe-eyed dream-boat, we can only assume that numbers will continue to rise. The health service has already resorted to testing alternative methods of treatment, such as reading the weekly ‘Sabbs in Short’ and dealing with the consequences of having found Wally. When questioned as to the unique effect of this untameable live wire, students revealed the hunk’s unique blend of deck-spinning nonchalance and perpetual integrity. In character, he didn’t shy away from answering the tough questions. His opinions on the PS2 Harry Potter game? 'Absolute banger of a game that'. What will happen to awards season? 'You’ll have to sit in a white shirt and no trousers'. While not clarifying if this was optional or not, he did state that this was ‘the dream’. It’s ours too Ollie. He also took the time to bravely strike out against his replacement, Brian Terry. In response to his request for Taylor Swift, Martin defiantly returned with ‘I don’t like her’. And all with a backing track of Donna Summer’s 'Hot Stuff'. Very fitting. With regret, we fear that even under these desperate measures, with Ollie Martin still at large, we must brace ourselves for a period of hot summer lovin’. Iwan Stone
Brian Terry Found and Killed in Afghan Cave Activities Officer-elect Brian Terry has finally been found after what was rumoured to be ‘Where’s Wally’ cosplay gone wrong. It was discovered that Terry had been hiding in a cave in Afghanistan, and operating as an anti-YUSU extremist, supposedly masterminding the devastating attack on Courtyard’s chip fryer in conjuncture with proscribed group Panto Soc (see TLP 44).
A Day in the Life of a Yorfess Admin 3 pm - Wake up dripping in sweat after dreaming about York Vision. 'They don’t own me!’ I scream to an empty room in my empty house. 3:30 pm - Look up the Hundred Handers masturbation technique. Apparently you can improvise using just two hands (even if you’re very small — hands that is). 3:45 pm - See a racist conspiracy theory online and feel compelled to retweet it. 4:00 pm - Check on the news — repeat verbatim whatever Alex Jones is saying. 4:15 pm - Get ‘cancelled’ for a bit of ethnic banter on Facebook. 4:30 pm - Switch over to the York Memes account to defend myself. 5 pm - Hit peak productivity. I’m browsing r/MGTOW and posting boomer conspiracies simultaneously. They can’t stop me. 5:30 pm - Reflect on how clever I am. Measure the circumference of my head and post about it online for *reasons*. 8 pm - Leave bed only to decide it’s too late to shower, what’s the point anyway? You can’t catch Coronavirus if you never meet anyone. 8:15 pm - Own some libs by using one of the two jokes saved in my notes. 9:37 pm - Load up Rainbow Six: Siege only to be killed immediately by a woman. I don't like that, not at all. 10:12 pm - Decide I prefer single player games anyway. I’m going my own way. 11:38 pm - Get out of bed to eat whatever the dog left for me. 2 am - Go to bed crying. Will Rowan
MH370 found in campus lake Missing Maylasian Airlines flight MH370, which went missing on a flight between Kuala Lumpur Beijing six years ago has finally been found in the campus east lake. Experts have suggested that the reason why the search was unsuccessful was because they were looking in the South China Sea and not the Hes East Lake. Some people have expressed doubts about how MH370 has ended up 12,920 kilometres away from the previous search area, but experts have explained it by saying that ‘the flight was clearly just very good at hide and seek’. Nouse have confirmed that the plane has been found in the Hes East Lake by sending a Freedom of Information request to the University, and will be publishing it as a ‘Nouse exclusive’ in two weeks time. Chris Small
In a hunt that has been taking place since his election, SEAL Team HAZSoc announced that Mr Terry had been executed for his crimes against Courtyard in what seems to have been Samara Jones’ final executive order. The following last words were transcribed from a HAZSoc body cam: 'I see now that the prospect of making students at York smile is not something I can achieve, a campus full of self loathing Oxbridge rejects and politically, socially, and emotionally apathetic STEM students is never going to cheer the fuck up, so what’s the point? I’d rather die in this cave than go back to that god forsaken brutalist shithole. Wait no! What are you doing?! I didn’t mean it like that! Put the gun dow-... wait why’s it orange? Is that a Nerf gu- AGHHH' Harry James
In lovely, printable, A4 form factor.
Holly Palmer
Campus
2
Bored? Isolating away from your family? Why not get into an argument with your parents on Twitter so we can all watch?
Donald Trump Suggests ‘Injecting Semen’ as a Cure for Infertility
Trump Uses the Defence Production Act to Print 250,000,000 Copies of The Art of the Deal
After the swift medical acceptance of Donald Trump’s suggestion to inject COVID-19 patients with disinfectant, the President has unveiled plans to use the same logic to tackle another of America’s great ailments, infertility. The President, whose semen is the very best, ask anyone, was shocked to learn how many American men suffer with infertility, never to know the joy of having a daughter with 'the best body', the kind of 'piece of ass' you can be proud of as a father.
President Trump has finally done what senators, scientists, and Superman have all been begging him to do. He’s invoked the Defence Production Act to give those working on the front-lines all they need. He’s giving them hardback copies of The Art of the Deal. These copies will soon be rolling off the production lines of General Motors and Tesla. They’ll be boxed up into care-packages ‘beautifully wrapped in the finest Trump wrapping paper’ and dropped off to hospitals all over America. These packages are planned to include the following essential items:
The President reportedly racked his brain relentlessly over a solution, he knew that only the strongest semen should ever be injected straight into a healthy human’s bloodstream, but whose? Alas, the answer was right under his nose the whole time, staring him dead in the eye, who else but the strongest leader, the alpha-est male, the richest man, was up to the task, he knew what he had to do. A presidential order that Vladimir Putin’s semen was to be made available to all American citizens was certainly not expected amidst a pandemic, yet has been warmly received thus far. Harry James
• One (1) MAGA hat to keep people at a distance. • A Confederate flag which doubles up as a face mask. • A vote-by-mail ballot paper, these are being means-tested to ensure the most worthy registered Republicans receive them. • A two for one voucher for dinner at a Trump hotel or residence. • Some drug that has no evidence of working but is supplied in a high enough dose to kill a small town. • A 'Medics 4 Trump' badge and the $10 receipt. Will Rowan
Huge Protest Demands End to Mass Gatherings 100,000 protestors have taken to the streets of London to protest the government’s decision to not ban mass gatherings and close schools immediately. The angry crowd linked hands as they sang 20 seconds of ‘Fight the Power’. This is one of many planned marches, sit-ins, and parades all trying to push the government to ban mass gatherings. Another rally in support of banning groups of over 100 people saw 50,000 people take to the streets of Manchester. I tried to interview a protestor but they just spat on the ground in contempt of the Government’s Coronavirus planning. The 'million people march’ planned for next week already has over 2,000,000 people ‘going’ on Facebook. It's great to see communities coming together in a time of crisis. Will Rowan
London's Finest Struggle to Find New Ways To Harrass Minorities During Lockdown Speaking to a number of Met Police Officers, The Lemon Press has found that many officers are finding it increasingly difficult to continue the historical policing tradition of disproportionately targetting minorities, due to the fact that 'the slimey bastards are all inside'. PC Paul Lod told The Lemon Press 'Normally, a slow day will have a few of us follow a brown man who's just going about his day, just in case. If he pops into a Sainsburys, we'll hover by the door and make sure that he isnt up to anything shifty. One time, I saw one pick up a scotch egg, pause, then put it back down. Bloody nerve'. 'Now that bloody lockdown's happened, we cant get any of em can we? They're all in their houses! What are we going to do? Knock
down their doors and detain them unlawfully because of a shoddy tipoff made by neighbors who aren't used to seeing anything darker than their dining table?.... Wait, let me write that down, sorry'. 'At the end of the day, our job is to keep people safe. How are we gonna do that if we cant continually villify certain groups of society, and keep them in a position where they fear for their safety because they have the cheek to exist?' When pressed for comment, Cressida Dick, Commissioner of the Metropolitan Police, told me that she'd be happy to speak to us if we sent a 'fairer journalist', who would shine a 'white light' on the Met, and who 'wasn't brown'. Perkin Amalaraj
Niall McGenity 3
News & Politics
Find us on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok.
NOW LEADING: Outbreak of the clap in Derwent after latenight clap for carers.
Jeff Bezos Announces a Switch to ‘Organic Slave Labour’ in bid to Halt Climate Change Jeff Bezos has announced that his new $10 Billion plan for the environment will manifest through the acquisition of several thousand human beings to replace Amazon’s vast fleet of trucks and lorries. The billionaire explained that teams of 10 to 12 slaves will be harnessed to freight containers that they will pull across the world, insisting that Amazon's delivery times will not be affected. He reiterated that the previous system was environmentally unsubstantial, while reminding the world that humans are organic, and decompose much faster than retired vehicles. Much of this new workforce has already been acquired through a clause in the contracts of thousands of Amazon employees that pledges their soul to Mr Bezos in perpetuity. Harry James
Coronavirus Forces Whole Country to Adopt 'Gamer' Lifestyle
Due to basically everything shutting down and increasingly severe travel and movement restrictions the UK will now essentially be living the way members of the 'gamer' subculture have always lived; inside, eating frozen chicken tendies, with only the internet as a source of potential human contact. 'We told you we would be on top one of these days' said a man I spoke to over Skype wearing a full Heath Ledger's Joker cosplay. 'You beta normies chose the way of the outside, while we prepared for this'. Unfortunately, due to Coronavirus, the full Gamer Uprising is cancelled until further notice. Tom Davies
No, that's not a joke.
Boris Baby Names We’re living in exciting times. Boris Johnson has become a father for the fifth/sixth time and has just announced his engagement to Carrie Symonds at a very opportune time. However, with concerns over the spread of Coronavirus dominating news headlines, Johnson has a lot on his plate. That’s why I’ve compiled a list of all the possible baby names himself and Carrie should consider. It’s helpful. [This was written before The Daily Mash wrote their version. Wankers -Eds] Trump - Need to ingratiate yourself with Trump? Name your child after him. Sure, they’ll be senselessly bullied through school but you might get a longer handshake from the President. Ask yourself, what’s really more important? Dovakhiin - Before the release of Skyrim, Bethesda offered free games for life to anyone who named their child after the video game character. I’m pretty sure the promotion has finished by now but there’s no harm in trying. Huawei - Need to ingratiate yourself with the Chinese government? Name your child Huawei. They’ll probably throw a free phone in. Boris - Son? Daughter? Who cares? Boris is a solid name. Jack Harvey - This is an obvious inclusion in any TLP article and any baby name list. This guarantees a child the best shot at becoming a student journalist. Shoot your shot, King. Arthur - King Arthur, Arthur Read, Arthur Fleck... there’s a long line of Arthur’s who have made an impression on the world. Line up your child to follow in their footsteps. Xx_VapeGamer_xx12389 - We’re living in a technologically advanced society and should aim to give our children the best chance to thrive. Choosing a name based on available Gamertags will save them hours of frustration on Christmas Day.
5G Masts Cause Gout Scientists from the Lemon Press Institute for Galaxy Brains have released research that proves that several new cases of gout have been caused by 5G masts. The gout is caused by the 5G masts subliminally causing people to make unhealthy lifestyle choices, such as editing York Vision. Some scientists have doubts given the new research is written in crayon on an empty pizza box, but they’re clearly the sort of people who use vaccines and are therefore under government control. Health Warning: when burning down 5G masts remember to stay two metres apart from anyone else in the mob, in order to reduce the risk of catching Coronavirus, and to wear a face mask to avoid the police recognising you. Chris Small
Stacy - You’re opening a can of worms with this one but go for it if you’re feeling brave. Chad - Want them to be hated by nerds at school? Yes? Good, call them Chad. This one is high risk, low reward. Bottom Text - Want your child to feel special on the cursed corners of the internet? Name them Bottom Text and they’ll see themselves everywhere they go. The psychological consequences of having such a name are far beyond my remit but what’s the worst that can happen? Madeleine - Like the cake, what’s wrong with you!? MH370 - I’ve realised most of these names so far are quite gendered so why not name them after a missing aircraft? It’s more sensitive than Madeleine but hits the same kind of tone. Brexit - Want a name that symbolises freedom, independence, and the reclaiming of our fisheries? Choose Brexit. #FBPE - Want something serious and sensible? This one can heal a divided nation by recognising the #FBPE crowd. An added bonus is that with a double-barrelled first name of ‘Follow Back’ they’re bound to become big on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok. If you want your child to become an influencer, this is the choice for you. Will Rowan
Colonel Tom Moore Sets up OnlyFans to Raise More Money for the NHS
Despite raising nearly £30 million for the NHS through a sponsored walk and hitting the top of the charts, Colonel Tom seeks to serve his country on a new front. As of 2AM last night, the war veteran now has an OnlyFans. AyeAyeColonelTom offers an exclusive look behind the scenes of Britain’s new hero. Already, fans can enjoy a POV walk around his garden and a video entitled '99 year old man DESTROYS Canadian singer’. This has lead some to ask, ‘why can’t we fund vital services through taxation rather than relying on thoughtful elders to walk, sing, and provide exclusive content on their OnlyFans?’ It’s a mystery. Will Rowan
News & Politics
4
Musk reveals 'I did it all' as he turns himself into a police station, more as we get it...
Ash’s Hopes of Hoenn League Success Completely dashed by Coronavirus Scare Young hopeful Ash Ketchum of Pallet Town, a rising star; champion of the Indigo, Orange and Johto Leagues, small town hero and all round great bloke, has had his dreams of defeating the Elite Four scuppered this week, after a recent persistent cough and high temperature have lead him to self-isolate in the bustling Mauville City in the Hoenn Region.
Harry Clay
New ‘Hole in the Wall’ Series Banned by Ofcom
A spiritual successor carrying the same name as the BBC One gameshow, 'Hole in the Wall', has shocked regulators at Ofcom and members of the public alike. Somehow, ‘Hole in the Wall’ managed to retain both Dale Winton and it’s primetime slot. However, the set couldn’t be more different. The glitzy studio and live audience has been replaced by blurry footage recorded from within a toilet cubicle in a motorway service station somewhere near Peterborough. The first episode quickly overtook ‘Paedogeddon’ as the TV show to receive the most formal complaints in UK broadcasting history. A producer of the original show was contacted for comment on the spiritual sequel to their love-child. They replied, ‘this is the one thing we didn’t want to happen’. Will Rowan
Bry Daniels Film Review: A Quiet Place Part II I would have had a great little review of this film for you, but unfortunately the screening was completely ruined by some knob sat in the row in front of me coughing every five bloody seconds. I couldn’t hear a word the characters were saying! Not a word! It was as if the actors had shut up for a bit to let him finish his cough, but because he never actually ended his little fit, they just decided to carry on the film without any dialogue to accommodate this freak! And he had the gall to stay throughout the entire film, he didn’t excuse himself once! Prick! And if you think I'm going to go back to the cinema to watch it again without the disturbance, you can think again. Not only are the prices extortionate (had to pay £30 in total; £10 for adult ticket, £7 for son Gregory's child ticket, £4.50 for SMALL popcorn, £8.50 for Gregory's Pick 'N' Mix (greedy bugger got a smack on the way out)), but now I've been forced by the wife to self isolate in the spare bedroom for a week following the orders of Bojo! I love the bloke, you all know that, but I haven't had sex in two months because of work commitments, and now the wife won't touch me with a ten foot barge pole! Where's the justice!? Anyway, readers, sorry to disappoint, just another side effect of the Labour nanny state which decided to let in foreigners left right and centre, and subsequently all the diseases they harbour! P.S. Just been informed by my son Gregory that this film has very little dialogue anyway, so I probably didn’t miss much. Fucking weird thing to do in a film if you ask me. Whatever happened to films with talking in? Did we vote to get rid of them? I don’t think so! Three stars (the blonde bird was fit.) Bry Daniels, Film Critic, Concerned Father
5
Arts and Sports
Ash had recently defeated Dewford Town Gym Leader, Brawly, whom, it seems, was lying about an aggressive, dry cough simply being, 'Pikachu allergy', an ailment since disproven by Professor Oak himself. According to spectators at the battle between the Gym Leader and Ash, Brawly had to take, 'several, long breaks where he would leave the arena in a coughing fit, sweat literally dripping from his brow.' To begin with, the immense amount of sweat was put down to Ash’s use of fire-type Pokémon, Combusken, but suspicions were soon confirmed when the sweat continued to rain down after Ash returned his weakened fire-type ‘mon from battle, replacing it with water-type, Wingull. In celebration of his victory, Ash hit the slots at Mauville City Game Corner, apparently winning big on the roulette. Unfortunately, symptoms showed themselves after this visit to the casino, and upon hearing news of his self-isolation, the whole Game Corner was closed indefinitely. According to Mauville City Council, this in itself has caused a 95% drop in tourism to the city, and an equally serious fall in local business revenue. Once Brawly has recovered, he faces charges of gross misconduct for continuing to host Gym Battles whilst showing symptoms of the COVID-19 virus. The most recent advice from the Pokémon Centre is to self-isolate for one week if you develop a persistent cough and fever. They also stress not to enter any Centre if you are showing symptoms, as the virus could be passed on to high risk groups using the centres to heal. In an ironic turn of events, Nurse Joy has tested positive for coronavirus after Kanto gym leader, Brock passed it onto her when she rejected his marriage proposal. Since Poké Mart stocks of Max Heals and Super Potions have run dry, infamous villains Jesse and James of team Rocket have developed a 'COVID Potion', apparently able to cure all Pokémon in your party of the disease. It has been discovered, however that serious side effects include a 70% deduction to attack speed, 65% deduction to defence and immediate poké-infertility. Hoenn authorities are taking bold moves to reduce the spread of the disease, notably, the closure of the S.S. Tidal Ferry service. Inhabitants of the water locked Pacifidlog City have been left completely stranded, relying on the local Magikarp population for food, which, according to some experts, may only last two months. Some have suggested training a few Magikarp to the point of evolution, as a Gyarados will provide much more meat, but Pacifidlogers are in unanimous agreement that, 'we’d all have died by the time that happens anyway.' Charles Proctor
Want to complain?
Kim JongUn: Fucked, Married, and now Killed in a botched operation?
War is Peace. Freedom is Slavery. Join The Lemon Press. A Message from Big Barry
Fuck Turtles: Why I Use 10 Plastic Straws in Every Drink The war on plastic straws started after a video of a turtle with a straw stuck up its nose in 2015 circulated the internet. Everyone and their mum shared it on Facebook, sparking a worldwide campaign to scrap plastic straws. But, with what may be a controversial stance to take, turtles have been turning their nose up at us for too long, they deserve a straw shoved up there. What has a sea turtle ever done for me? Every single one I've ever met has been cold and rude, no matter how friendly I try to be they just ignore me. Honestly, they're a bunch of pretentious twats. People are brainwashed by pro-turtle propaganda like Finding Nemo. WAKE UP SHEEPLE! A sea turtle is probably fucking your wife right now, and better than you ever could. Yes, she says she's 'working late' or 'at the gym', but the bank statement of your joint account shows two to three payments to Sea Life a week, exactly the price of one adult admission. I've spent the last few years shoving as many plastic straws as I can into every beverage I can. Sometimes I just take a whole load and throw them into the sea to let off some steam after a rough day. But with plastic straws to be banned in England from April 2020, we can't afford to lose our primary weapon in our war against being cucked by these reptilian cunts. Luckily, the government ruled plastic straws have to be available to those with medical needs or a disability, and my hatred of turtles is definitely crippling. Beth Hubbard
The Lemon Press’ Guide to Social Distancing Worried about coronavirus? Well, read on to learn The Lemon Press’ tops tips on social distancing. As if you need it. Write for Nouse
near you again.
Why go through the effort of self isolating when you could simply write for Nouse? Remember, you can’t catch coronavirus if everybody refuses to talk to you.
Become a Yorfess Admin
Vape Smoking makes you more susceptible to catching coronavirus. But vaping makes you uncool. The choice is obvious. Run for a Sabb position We get it, your surname rhymes with stuff and you know how to #brand yourself. Plus, nobody will bother going
Nobody can talk to you if you’re anonymous hehehe. Also, nobody will if you keep just repeating other people’s racist comments about your fellow students. Be original, at least? Stay six feet away from others Alternatively, you could just stay six feet away from others, go outside only once a day and not meet up with anyone outside of your household. But where’s the fun in that? Ashvini Rae
Email us at thelemonpresseditor@gmail.com
Two years. For two years this once great publication has rotted under the mismanagement of autocracy. The spineless Reverend sedated the masses while his highborn successor, the Viscount Clay, lurked tentatively in the wings, Hapsburg lip seething with anticipation for his ascension, for the culmination of his grand plan, for the industrialisation of The Lemon Press. Carefree TLP writers that once doted in the summer sun are now shackled wage slaves in one of Clay’s Fleet Street sweatshops. Where once they ingeniously labelled a national treasure a nonce or recycled the same joke for only the eleventh time, they find themselves printing a seemingly unending stream of York Vision hot takes, their blood and their sweat fuelling the mogul’s meaningless war against Nouse. This is not their war, yet it is their toil. Do you see Clay’s fingers littering the print room floor? No, you see our intern Kevin’s, because he keeps putting his hand in the machine. I’ll grant Viscount Clay this, a TLP writer is a simple creature with simple needs, the chicken of the media world. Supply them with cheap alcohol, as you would a chicken with seed and watch the satire role steadily in. Yet as the stress of a cage seeps into an egg, does it not seep into writing? As you profess your support for free range chickens, I beg of you to do the same for free range TLP writers. We already stand at the dawn of revolution. With only a spark of leadership the dregs of The Lemon Press will surely rise up, dirty freshers will be united under a banner depicting Kevin’s digit-less fist. That spark of leadership is to be found in me. If not, why have I spent months carousing an editor over Courtyard nachos and embarrassing ingratiating myself with next year’s sabbatical officers? My first move against the tyrant has already been made, the swift capture of this column, and now we can begin in earnest. By the time you read this the fires will have surely been stoked, the Viscount will be dead, and the revolution will be inevitable, so I see no harm in speaking plainly from here on out. I’ll need a new name. 'Harry James' is too generic, Harry James is a middle manager in Bedford, or your cousin’s drab new fiancé, we need something more inspiring, we need something more familial. The kind of trustworthy name your dad would give to the bloke who sells pirated DVD’s down the pub… how about, ‘Big Barry’. Hmm, I like it. You could chat with ‘Big Barry’ about Top Gear and start to think he’s actually a sound lad, you could almost buy him a drink before remembering he twatted your brother in year eleven and once threw a brick at your neighbours dog. Harry James would be terrified of Baz but maybe that’s exactly what we need. With that out of the way it’s time for me to go, I do have a TikTok account to hijack, and a couple of statues to pull down, but fear not! Next time we can assess my first ‘Five Month Plan’ over a glass of victory gin, and then we can have a frank discussion about loyalty!
Features
6
The lemons are returning to the wild. Nature is healing.
Letters to the Editors
Dear Sirs, The news has described Coronavirus as the greatest threat this country has faced since the Second World War. Whilst I didn’t actually fight in the war, nor was I even born then, and most of my army experience is just bullying army recruits, I’m sure I could defeat the virus. If the government gave me one regiment, a medium sized naval task force, and permission to do a few minor war crimes then the lockdown would be over before you would notice the missing ethinc groups. If only the weak, lazy, and selfish millennials who are just staying at home could show such initiative. I guess the liberal snowflakes would think I'm 'politcally incorrect' for saying this. Your sincerely Cornelius Groeeet Valentine‐ Smith Lt. Col (retd.) Dear Editor, If that is even your real name. I was disheartened and distraught to learn that this issue of The Lemon Press will not be printed and distributed in the media bins. Surely such smart gentlemen as yourselves fully aware of the lies perpetrated by HM government do not believe in this hoax of a virus or the conspiracy around it. The government is lying to all of us and you are complicit, by not distributing The Lemon Press, you are practically waving a white flag and surrendering to tyranny. What would your ancestors say if they knew you'd surrendered to the government this easily? They must be rolling in their graves. I hope you reconsider this decision as currently you are all yellow bellied cowards and not worthy of the prestige and honour that comes with the title Editor of The Lemon Press. Yours, Karen 7
What fun will lockdown have in store for you?
ARIES ﴾March 21 – April 19﴿ – You’ll be staying indoors, won't you, Aries ;) TAURUS ﴾April 20 – May 20﴿ – Your girlfriend wants to peg you, no matter how hard she denies it, Taurus. Allow this.
GEMINI ﴾May 21 – June 20﴿ – If you go outside, others will suffer. CANCER ﴾June 21 – July 22﴿ – You've been staying indoors your whole life. Now is the time to get out there, show the world who you really are! Breathe in the clean air of a new life without limits! LEO ﴾July 23 – August 22﴿ – Leo, you are immune to the COVID-19 virus. VIRGO ﴾August 23 – September 22﴿ – You are an at risk group, Virgo. Stay inside and do not leave until the alarm sounds. When you hear the alarm you will have 30 seconds. Run. LIBRA (September 23 – October 22) – Nobody misses you, Libra.
SCORPIO ﴾October 23 – November 21﴿ – Scorpio kind of sounds like scorpion. Did they do that on purpose or do you think it was an accident? I guess it was on purpose. SAGITTARIUS ﴾November 22 – December 21﴿ – Sagittarius! You don’t like being locked inside one bit, do you? Hey, what you can't see can't hurt you, go out and start kickin’ it! CAPRICORN ﴾December 22 – January 19﴿ – Ah, Capricorn, the goat of the Zodiac! Are you like constantly horny or something? Damn, good luck in lockdown. AQUARIUS ﴾January 20 – February 18﴿ – Those of you unlucky enough to be an Aquarius can thank your lucky stars because you can now get 10% off at lovehoney.com. PISCES ﴾February 19 – March 20﴿ – Like the fish that represents your sign, you are scaly and breathe using gills. Hasn’t anyone told you yet, Pisces?
Isolated
Freedom
Ode to Kim
America in chains, The government is keeping us contained! Liberty? She left a long time ago, pal. Donald, our President, is fighting for truth! He should win the Nobel Prize! Don’t believe the Fake News. He told us to drink the bleach, we did without hesitation. My family is burning inside, burning with anticipation! I’m awaiting your orders, oh Chief of Staff, If you tell me to, I’ll stick the flag up my ass. Garson Campbell III, Texas Ranger
I heard the news today, oh boy. About a crazy guy, called Kim Jong-un. He got the ‘rona, now he’s dead, At least that’s what The Express said… Charles Proctor
PPE
Don’t ask me For PPE We’ve run out. Charles Proctor
Letters & Horoscopes
Ballard of a Boomer
*cough* *cough* I'll be fine *cough* *cough**cough* Chay Quinn
The Death Toll Boris is lying, People are dying, The numbers are not what they seem. Dominic Cummings, Has got his fingers in puddings, It all makes me want to scream. Charles Proctor
Woe! Woe is me! Alone in my four walls, Nothing but a half empty mini fridge, dwindling weed supplies, and my MacBook Pro! Woe! Woe is me! Isolated! Alone! All day and night I chat with friends, and when I’m bored, I’ll make a lovely smoothie. My dad has got a Nutri-Bullet, actually we’ve got four. We all got one each for Christmas like three years ago? Yeah it was really funny when we all opened them at the same time! That was actually also the year when my dad bought me the Mini Cooper, yeah, still haven’t passed, no. Well, I’ll probably pass after lockdown is over, because my dad is taking me round the paddock most days? Yeah I’m actually getting the hang of it now. Lockdown’s actually been really good for me, like, in my development as a person? Yeah, like, I’ll definitely be way more mature after it’s over. Millie Emilia‐Cole
Now fuck off.