The Lemon Press - Issue 60

Editors' Introduction

Bet you thought you’d seen the last of us, huh? Well guess what, we’re back and helping introduce a very special issue of The Lemon Press.

It’s Issue 60! That’s right we’ve been going on for 60 whole issues. 60 is typically the time when views start to harden and we start to get annoyed by the way things are these days But we’ve always been a bit like that just commenting on it in a satirical way, and this issue is no different.

Our new committee was very recently elected in a thrilling election with absolutely no backroom deals or informal coups occurring (we promise) It’s time for us to leave you in the capable hands of our new editors who battled scribus to bring you a great selection of content which they will introduce to you now.

Bye forever (don’t miss us too much), Matt and Ava

Hey baby don't cry we ' re here now, and we ' re basically Matt and Ava just a bit younger and a lot hipper. This issue is PACKED FULL of content, so packed full we made it a whole lot bigger just for you Oh you want a little sneak preview? Fine, but one day your lack of patience will be your downfall...

We start off with campus, where YUSU elections veteran Louie McVey talks us through his experience of the highs and lows of democracy and we get quite bitter about losing the SPAs to Muse (still not a specialist publication). Our News and Politics section will wow you with its commitment to making basically no sense before we whisk you off your feet to our Arts, Science and Features sections which are so great that they defy description (we're running out of space for our note) Fans of TLP editors getting confused should take note of how delightfully we ' ve sprinkled in our features this issue, helping you stay laser focussed on us and keep ignoring your dissertation The real headline though, and what you ' ve all been waiting for, is our BONUS EXHIBITION: esteemed ordinary member and man of the people Adam Berry has collated FIFTEEN YEARS worth of TLP headlines for your enjoyment We have met almost none of the people featured in this exhibition, because as we say we are youthful and spry, but we ' re pretty sure they were funny because they started a chain of events that led to us being in charge, so they must have done something right.

But wait! There's more! We have to extend special thanks to Slam Poetry Society, who we collaborated with in a slightly chaotic social to create a MONSTER poetry section They told us beforehand that they really liked the magazine; we can only pray we kept some of our mystique while they watched us struggle to find rhymes for cat Finally, get excited for our o-bitch-uaries section where you can say goodbye to some people who you ' ve probably never met, but we quite like (they're not dying they're just graduating), Oodles of love, Eddie and Finola

Campus

& Politics

The Lemon Press Staff

Editors-in-Chief : Eddie Atkinson and Finola Ma

Chief Sub-Editors: Hal Muxlow Fisher and Lorcan Ray

Campus Editors: Max Latchman and Lorcan Ray

News & Politics Editors: Vacant

Lifestyle Editor: Ava Young

Science & Tech Editors: Finn Russell

Arts Editors: Adam Berry

Features Editor: Matt Davis

Sports Editors: Maisie Hemmings

Chief Illustrator: Maisie Hemmings (Front Cover and Various)

Illustrators: Adam Berry (Back Cover and Various), Ava Young (Various), Hal Muxlow Fisher (Various), Eddie Atkinson (Various), Will Rowan (Various), Max Latchman (Various), Lorcan Ray (Various), Jack Stuart (Various), Finn Russell (Various)

President: Finn Russell

Social Media Editor: Lekha Doddamani

Multi-Media Editors: Louie McVey, Samphire Ubsdell

Webmaster: Max Latchman

Ordinary Member: Joe Reavey

Contributors: Cameron Stenhouse, Dan Gordon-Potts, Sid the Sole, Will Rowan, Fince the Foal, Actually YorCharlie Jeffery, Emily Sinclair, Oscar Rowen, Caedwalla, Pweebo Tooba, Jack Stuart, Joe Best, Former Editor and Not Vince The Vole, Holly Hartford, Ruth Baby Ginsberg, Anonymous Contributor, Ghosts of TLP Past (we refuse to list them all go check), Barry Stern, A future Prime Minister of the UK, Sam, Vic, Jean

Contact the editors at: lemonpresseditors@yusu.org

Contact the society at: lemonpress@yusu org

Disclaimer: No facts or actual

New YUSU CEO: Lance Armstrong!

Union Affairs Officer? Sounds like a commie

As the YUSU election showed, this university turns a blind eye to everything Including seven time Le Tour De France winner

******* Lance Armstrong. He’s the new YUSU CEO! Lance was famous for his victory over cancer, amazing cycling abilities and his copious use of testosterone, cortisone and EPO which gave him a significant advantage over the competition. YUSU would never condone cheating, but if everyone else knew about it and it ended the competition early - who cares!

YUSU are even giving out wristbands to celebrate Lance’s new job: the bright yellow bands now say ‘LieStrong’ and it raises money for the new and improved Student centre coming September 2024 - sorry 2030 - sorry it’s been cancelled Lance Armstrong is delighted to have been given a second chance, and promises to push YUSU to the limit He said to TLP: “I’ll inject new life into YUSU’s heart, I’ll fill it with oxygen to make the climb and outperform other universities! I’m addicted to making student life better” [enough, we get it he took PEDsEd]

*******[trophy redacted] [trophy redacted] [trophy redacted] [trophy redacted] [trophy redacted] [trophy redacted] [trophy redacted]

Red, White and Lou: My Super Honest and Very Real Take on Elections

Student democracy, just like regular ol’ democracy, is boring Most people don’t give a shit about it and to be honest if I wasn’t a part of it this year – I wouldn’t either I never wanted to take on the role of Union Affairs Officer because it’s far more trouble than its worth, especially because you become a Bernie Madoffequivalent when things go monstrously wrong.

I had two real goals in mind for my campaign – be a massive nuisance and have fun doing it One example of this was my pledge to find out where the Longboi statue was that a large amount of people had donated to I can confirm that it is real It does exist, but it shouldn’t be down to a goober like me to tell you YUSU are as reliable as a Tory MP following through on their campaign pledges. It seems like an effective way to get answers from any organisation or form of government is to put mass amounts of pressure on public figures within them and wear a silly hat because for me, it did work! (Disclaimer: don’t actually do this unless it’s your local MP)

Turning Campus East lake into a skatepark didn’t even end up being the silliest policy; my opponents were all friendly people but putting streetlights in Walmgate stray is as likely as the Student Centre being built in this century – not very It is apparent to most that the people who run for these kind of positions will often times just spew buzzwords and pray to a higher power that something sticks. Me? I found making pop culture references after taking Ambien gave me the confidence needed and a strong desire to protect Gotha- I mean York from the rising crime. Far more realistic than anything else promised during the election

To conclude, out of everything I did during the campaign, I would say my favourite was the mass debation live on stage against my opponents and in general during Debate Night this year. Everyone knows that mass debating makes elections 10x more interesting, and there truly was not enough mass debation during the elections last year.

Thank you to anyone who supported me

Cameron Stenhouse

Louie McVey

Image Credit: Oscar Rowen (above); model Louie McVey Eddie Atkinson (right)

Eat at York Staff to Cook Giant Broth in Guinness World Record Attempt

Your favourite record-breaking lake will soon become the focus of a formidable attempt to break the Guinness World Record for the number of cooks successfully preparing a broth. The previous record, set in Bosnia in 2015, saw dozens of cooks gather around a pot 2 5 metres in diameter in Sarajevo’s Central Square, preparing over four tonnes of the dish However, following the University of York’s recent announcement to become a “World leading University”, plans have been revealed to drain the Campus West Lake and convert it into a humongous saucepan. During these works, it will be necessary to tear out all the plastic lining and replace it with layers of copper and aluminium, to avoid the broth tasting rather well plastic-y “But, what about the largest plastic bottomed lake in Europe?” I hear you whimpering. Well, behold the largest saucepan in Europe! Ha! Take that you critics! Beneath the metallic base, a pit will be constructed to house a large fire to heat the broth The fire’s fuel will consist of ripped out wardrobes and mattresses from the soon to be obliterated Eric Milner buildings and £35 million worth of £50 banknotes.

Following this revelation, The Lemon Press contacted Heslington Hall, who were quick to comment that “These leaks are ludicrous fabrications We would never burn £35 million in £50 banknotes, as £35 million worth of £5 banknotes would provide ten times the thermal energy output”.

It is not known what the broth will actually consist of, but there are rumoured to be proposals for the Estates Department to go on a ‘wild goose chase’ to catch every last waterfowl in a two-mile radius of the lake. This is considered by many to be a likely option, as it will enable the University to kill off any of Long Boi’s descendants, attracting further publicity and Radio 1 attention Once the cooking vessel is all set up, Charlie Jeffery will do the honours of filling up the supermassive saucepan with an old garden hose. The KLF will arrive to set the mountain of banknotes on fire, before the entirety of Eat at York process around the lake in a ritualistic manner with giant spoons and ladles The hopefully record-breaking broth will then be served in all the Eat at York outlets across campus.

Despite the unprecedented publicity which is expected to be generated from the University extinguishing its ecology and waving goodbye to its financial reserves, concerns have been raised as to whether this record attempt is flawed from the start. This is because having hundreds of cooks preparing a broth may amount to them spoiling it and rendering the record attempt void.

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts at the YUSU Election Speculated to be an Unethical Voting Tactic to Boost Student Engagement

I personally don’t buy into bribing people into voting so did not take a doughnut offered to me at Courtyard some time ago I prefer stickers, but got neither of these prizes for participating in democracy

Maybe this article idea has come from a place of upset and betrayal, I was left out once again Everyone hates me and I’m going to go cry now! I hope you’re happy Pierrick!! I took this to be an aimed attack!!

I can’t write anymore, I can’t cope I’ve been sufficiently distressed.

Maisie Hemmings

Bought Ten Tubs of Wallpaper Paste? Your Next One’s on Us, Says B&Q

The DIY retailer B&Q is set to kick start their new UK-wide marketing campaign later this week at a launch party event at their store in Preston A new loyalty card scheme will be launched which will reward customers for their persistent purchasing of items such as tubs of wallpaper paste, paint brushes and poster paper by giving them a free item after they have made ten purchases. It is hoped that the scheme will incentivise shoppers to keep returning and become regular customers, helping to ‘enhance a sense of community’ in their stores, whilst also diversifying their customer base by attracting activists and student politicians. B&Q has experienced a decline in profits in recent times and is hoping that its new campaign will help capture the public’s attention with its eye-catching slogans The retailer further hopes to lure customers back into stores with the brand new ‘Caffeine Crowd’ instore cafe and bookshop. It remains to be seen whether or not this publicity attempt will pay off or whether the ambitious proposals will result in a further loss of funds for the company

He won our hearts but not really our votes

Hal Muxlow Fisher

Hal Muxlow Fisher

Image Credit: Hal Muxlow Fisher

These issues kill at least a dozen trees each term

Man from Tang Hall Threatens to Build the Biggest Plastic‐Lined Lake in the World

A Tang Hall man is threatening to build the largest plastic-lined lake in the world. Bill Jenkins, who lives in that dodgy bit behind the Co-op, says he was inspired by his regular morning run around the University of York’s West Campus.

“I could do WAYYYY better than those poshos,” he told The Lemon Press

“That lake is tiny. I’m gonna build a lake that smashes it to pieces and it will be the largest plastic-lined lake in the world ” Bill also added that the estate team and Uni of York staff will not stop him from outshining the iconic Russell Group institution, which hosts the largest plastic-lined lake in Europe. He said he hates everyone on his road, having fallen out with his neighbour Barbara last week over what he calls “ a recycling bin miscommunication.”

He told TLP he also loathes the local community, especially what he refers to as “those snowflake students parking their damn cars in the middle of the *&*#$£! road!!!”

He has no qualms about bulldozing their houses all the way to the University’s East Campus (including the new nursery, which takes care of over 90 children, and the much-loved Space Nisa) next week.

“It’s for the greater good,” he told The Lemon Press, “do you think they built Rome in a day?”

“You know what I ‘identify’ as, you stupid softies? A plastic lined lake I use the pronouns bull/doze, plas/tic and massive/lake, so get out my &*£&@#$&£$ way!!!”

TLP has reached out to the University for a comment TLP also reached out to Barbara about the recycling bin incident. Barbara declined to open her front door

Dan Gordon‐Potts

Muse to Separate From Nouse and Become a Separate Publication

In April, the Student Publication Awards showed the rigorousness of their application process when Muse, the magazine section of Nouse, were Highly Commended by the SPAs for their ability to fill in a Google Form. However, since criticism that Muse were ineligible for this award because they are a part of Nouse, Muse have hit back at this, confirming to The Lemon Press that they are indeed separate publications moving forward. Due to all of print media being relocated to our lovely new offices in the Stables, Muse have been forced to split This has been confirmed by inside sources that, due to the office layout of Nouse with a sliding door splitting their office into two, they have had to split Muse and Nouse into separate publications, justifying the decision of SPAs to highly commend them for being the best Specialist Publication If Henry VII can backdate his reign, why can’t the Nouse Editors backdate this schism?

Sid the Sole

WHO THE FUCK IS THIS RON GUY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT?

During my dozen games of 8 ball pool, I did in fact attend the YUSU elections evening It was as you’d expect However, every time I glanced up from my hardcore gaming I saw RON on the screen WHO is this guy? How has he even done so much work to run for every single role? Surely there should be some kind of legislation to stop greedy people like him from establishing an autocracy within the students union - I bet he doesn’t even care about Natural Sciences!! Also why in the hell was he the only person with all caps and also no surname? There’s something suspicious going on here and I WILL get to the bottom of it. For the glory of TLP, and respectable non-satirical, and definitely serious media coverage of important democracy happening on campus.

Maisie Hemmings

Next Fallout Season to Film on Campus East, Showrunner Describes it as the “Perfect Wasteland”

The Fallout TV show, based on the series of games, has been wildly successful since launching earlier this month and has been given the green light to start filming the next season Showrunner Jonathan Nolan was spotted around Lakeside Way, scouting the area ahead of filming to gain a better understanding of the environment the cast and crew will be working in. We caught up with Mr Nolan and asked why he chose Campus East over anywhere else to film on location: “This campus, whilst we will need to edit out the overpriced accommodation, perfectly encapsulates the vibes and atmosphere of an apocalyptic wasteland as there are no signs of life anywhere, only remnants of what once was great but now serves as a reminder of humanity’s hubris. Also we think some of the more druginclined posh students would make perfect extras as they already exhibit mutant tendencies and appear a bit ghoulish ” Maybe this will breathe life back into the other campus, more than any new venue could

Louie McVey

Image Credit: Wikimedia Commons

Campus Fountains to be Replaced with a Student Blowing Through a Long Straw

In a recent cost-cutting measure to finance a new museum for the Charlie Jeffery Foundation in the gardens of Heslington Hall, the University of York has announced plans to replace all the fountains on campus with very long bendy straws. These will connect to a central control room on the top floor of the Physics Tower, where a student will be forced to blow down the straws for up to eighteen hours each day, to create a fountain effect in the water, or face being connected to the mains electricity supply via crocodile clips. The University claims this will save them a significant amount of money in electricity bills by not having to power the water pumps for the dozen or so fountains across campus

It is understood that a trial of this scheme has been underway for some time, with the prototype versions yielding rather poor results, as can be seen by the pathetic display of water bubbling in the centre of Derwent’s Lake. However, a University of York spokesperson insisted today that the scheme is “viable and ready to be rolled out across the campus”, stating that “We are preparing our students for future employment through this scheme. By placing a person on the top floor of a glass tower in a stressful environment, we are training them to become air traffic controllers, a profession almost as well paid as a vice chancellor”.

When pressed for a response to students saying that they “wouldn’t want to touch the Charlie Jeffery museum with a barge pole”, the University spokesperson went on a verbaldiarrhoea defensive, exclaiming “Spa pool? What spa pool? The Charlie Jeffery Foundation is building a museum! The older residents of Heslington can come to hydrotherapy classes in the… errr… museum. I mean the campus lake. NO!!! THERE IS NO SPA POOL!!!”

Hal Muxlow Fisher

Why

Lewis is Going to Make a Terrible Union Affairs Officer

1. He hates Natural Sciences. By choosing to run against Louie McVey, he made his position on this matter very clear

2. He campaigned with sunglasses on his forehead. Sunglasses are woke nonsense

3 He committed voter fraud by displaying posters with the slogan “Vote Lewis”. This clearly intimidated students into voting for him

4. Lewis structures are an insufficient model to represent many kinds of bonding If Lewis can’t represent three-centre twoelectron bonding, how can he represent our diverse student body?

5 He refused my request for an interview on results night (No, I’m never getting over this)

Max Latchman

University of York Career Fair Hosts Jobs in Lex Luther Industries

The University of York has faced protests from students after promoting careers in Lex Luther's notorious company. The supervillain and nemesis of Superman is a controversial figure known for being the leader of the Legion of Doom. The company’s presence on campus emerged from the bottom of the campus lake, disturbing the wildlife

Targeting engineers and those without Mickey Mouse degrees (like me), the company offers roles in ‘Giant Laser Management’, ‘Nuclear Weapon Thievery’ and ‘recruitment’. These evil positions have been criticised by students as “dealing with the devil”.

The students argue that these weapons of mass destruction will be used for evil But the university, desperate for funding, chose to ignore their pleas. York University argues that super-villainy is a “promising career path” They continued “Who cares if innocent civilians die if those profit margins are up baby”.

When Charlie Jeffery heard about their presence he was sceptical at first, but as soon as he saw the revenue, his eyes protruded from his head and dollar signs appeared in replace of his pupils. After this, the University allowed Matra BAe Dynamics, the missile manufacturer, to the following career fairs. When pressed for an answer to why the University allowed merchants of death into campus, Charlie Jeffery put his fingers in his chanting “lalalalala” while his staff proceeded to bury their heads into the sand

This university will now be a revolving door for all villains, super or otherwise Their next career fair sees jobs from The Joker, Dick Dastardly, Thanos and Elon Musk.

The University of York will continue to host companies such as these for the foreseeable future. They refer to this policy as ‘morally bankrupt to not be actually bankrupt’.

Cameron Stenhouse

Image Credit: Cameron Stenhouse

Leaks Confirm Identity of UoY’s Secretly‐Appointed Director of Technology, Estates and Facilities

Following an appointment process shrouded in secrecy, documents seen by The Lemon Press can confirm that, several months ago, the University secretly appointed Japanese tidying expert Marie Kondo as its Director of Technology, Estates and Facilities This has placed the “Queen of Clean” in charge of building development on the university campus.

Her first move in this position was to demolish the IT Services building under the guise of building a Student Centre A cache of emails deposited on WikiLeaks last night can reveal that, even before a shovel hit the ground, it was her intention to leave the site totally empty “in order to reduce clutter”. It also contained suggestions that “ a less cluttered campus would improve students’ happiness and wellbeing”, an argument which is hard to follow given that the Student Centre was intended to do just that

In a move which has particularly angered students forced to commute by rent prices, she is also said to have been behind the decision to reduce the amount of on-campus accommodation, by vacating Vanbrugh’s Le Page and Eric Milner White blocks Societies who were using the vacated Eric Milner White blocks have been equally confused by proposals to demolish them over the summer, especially given that there are currently no plans for what to replace them with. Fears are mounting that the site of these buildings will become a further manifestation of Kondo’s agenda of minimalist masterplanning, further desecrating our beautiful campus with abandoned construction sites

Fortunately, plans to give the same treatment to most of the academic buildings on Campus West were called off following murmurs from trade union representatives that any such action would result in further strikes and a marking boycott

A UCU rep told us the following: “I have had diggers break the windows in my laboratory and a wrecking ball fly through the wall of a lecture theatre whilst I was teaching If certain individuals in Heslington Hall want to continue this vexatious action against our teaching and research activities, we will be forced to to walk out. Most likely by some angry builders.”

Max Latchman

University Release The Tortured Finances Department

In a desperate move to improve university finances, British email-writer-academic Charlie Jeffrey has announced the release of a new album: The Tortured Finance Department

In a surprise 2 a.m. announcement through the University of York Twitter, Jeffrey called his album: "An anthology of new works that reflect events, opinions and sentiments from a fleeting and fatalistic moment in time - one that was both sensational and sorrowful in equal measure. " It is unsure as of yet, which Bad Romance or Poor Financial Year, this could be referring to, or in fact, if this could be said by anyone about anything and thus artistically means somehow less than the paper it's written on

The album features future classics such as Fortnite, Down Bad, and Fresh Out the Spring Lane Building. A limited edition Vinyl will be available to purchase at Nisa for £35,000,000.

YUSU CEO Condemns Russian Elections for Being Undemocratic

The YUSU CEO has condemned Putin for holding fraudulent elections which were rigged from the beginning Putin won 87 7% of the vote after stopping other rival candidates from running in coercive ways.

“It’s an outrage” said the CEO, “How can a person with so much power and influence over many people’s lives be unelected and unaccountable!”

Ben gave this comment in front of a glass house while holding a giant stone in his hand. When asked if he understood what ‘irony’ was, he told TLP “My assistant irons my clothes. I've never used one”.

Cameron Stenhouse

Will Ro an

Image: Will Rowan

Chocolate Teapot Wins Landslide In YUSU Election

2024 is election year, and a chocolate teapot managed to get a thunderous majority in the YUSU election, crushing the other candidates.

Most people never thought an inanimate object could win, but boy were they wrong This mute teapot didn’t say anything during the debates, interviews or on their manifesto and people loved it!

Perhaps their campaign pushed them over the line, as they littered campus with posters everywhere! Some say “Vote Tea, get the biscuit!” but then not promising to give anyone any biscuits if elected.

Most people who followed the election asked “Why? Why should I care?” And the answer is you shouldn’t, because YUSU positions are only for their CV and not to do anything

Cameron Stenhouse

Nouse Submit Muse for ‘Car of the Year’ Award

Fresh off its success in the ‘Best Specialist Publication’ category at the SPAs, Nouse has discovered they can pretend their culture section is pretty much anything and no one will check. Buoyed by this knowledge, York’s only student media group have taken to the internet, applying for every award they can think of. Particular highlights are their submission for ‘Car of the Year’, where they claim Muse has leather seats, a 12 litre engine and the ability to fly, their submission for the Ballon D’Or, in which they suggest Muse has been devastatingly effective coming off the left wing for Manchester City, and their application to Krufts, where they’re sure judges will be wowed by its luscious coat and charming bark.

When approached for comment Nouse said ‘ we do not acknowledge the existence of the Lemon Press.’ [For legal reasons they didn’t actually say this - Ed.]

University of York to Become a Building Site Within 2 Years

With all of this going on and people complaining about the different colleges we spoke to the University Estates team who gave us this scoop.

"Fuck it, we ' re just going to tear down the whole thing and start again It's like none of you even care I mean just because concrete isn't your favourite building material doesn't mean it isn't pretty cool in its own unique and special way. But you don't appreciate it and that's fine! See if I care anyway We'll just knock it all down and build it out of polished wood and carbon fibre or whatever the popular building materials are these days Back in the day we built a fucking lake for you. Do you know how hard it was to do that back in the 60s? We didn't have any of these newfangled diggers or anything, we all got down on our hands and knees and with some spare dessert spoons they found we had to dig out a whole lake for you But you just don't even think about it.

We moved nature. We created a whole natural habitat right here in a previously desolate wasteland known as Heslington, and still you ' re like 'oooh I don't like that the water sometimes comes out cold' 'oooh I don't like the fact that I could get asbestosis from living here if something goes on ' 'ooh the lake is a bit icky sometimes' 'oooh I'm scared of geese attacking me on my way to lectures' I mean grow up honestly Fuck it Let's just get rid of the whole bloody thing so that you can finally stop whining about it all.”

Matt Davis

Fince the Foal

Help! I Can’t Come up with University Related Content Because I Stopped Turning Up

Picture the scene. You’re a young, handsome, supple, hot, sexy TLP writer and you’ve sat down to bang out another satirical masterpiece. Maybe you’ll write something about Long Boi, or that lovely media bin in Vanbrugh Oh They’re both gone I can’t write cutting campus satire because that is a Forbidden Place. I do not go There. That is where the cultists who say things like ‘have you thought about your dissertation’ and ‘the reading was really interesting’ live. I do not like That Place. I will climb back into my hole and write non-time specific content that we can publish whenever we need to fill space like a good little boy now, don’t tell Matt I left my cave, he won’t like that

Eddie Atkinson

The University of York to Offer ‘Bright’ 2 Year Olds at the New Campus Nursery Bachelors Degrees in Debt Accumulation and Student Neglect

To ensure that the University continues on its mission of being a ‘University for Public Debt,’ Charlie Jeffery is set to announce tomorrow from a tiny podium in the middle of that patch of concrete and weeds where the student centre was to be built, the launch of a new scheme offered to 2 year olds only at the campus nursery.

He will say that: “Very young students who are part of our community just as much as you bigger guys, and who show intellectual promise (by not smearing their faces with glue and eating grass again), will be granted £9,250 50 in tuition fees to tudy courses in Debt Accumulation and Student Neglect tudies Debt Accumulation degrees will be a Bachelors of Arts BA), as arts degrees do not require any numerate literacy of any ind Student Neglect studies, which will take more of an antiociological angle, will be Bachelor of Science (BSc), as these equire no empathy.”

He will also tell the crowd, consisting of one lost international tudent and a YUSU employee trying to figure out how to send n email, “For the super promising mini-students who achieve a rd-class degree or below in either course, we will immediately e offering them a masters in their chosen field, an immediate PhD, and a ten year research fund with their own offices in King’s Manor.”

The University has confirmed that all Lemon Press members will lso be considered eligible, as only those with the intelligence of two year old read that publication

I ve got a few things I need to get off my chest here.

Lots of you have got a lot of ideas in your head and I should probably do something about them really You deserve to know By now you may have heard that the Natural Sciences department is going the way of Prince Andrew’s reputation I have something I need to say.

It was me. I killed the Natural Sciences Department (the "Big Naturals" as I've heard people call them)

You see the thing is, I thought I could control things, too many potential writers and sharers in the glory of The Lemon Press have squandered their talent to help out with NatSciSoc. And I thought if I could take the natural sciences away from york I would give our society fresh blood, fresh talent who would bring us into a new era. An era where the science section wasn't haphazardly filled by people far too innumerate to understand how to satirise the world of science and technology properly. The most complex technology I can understand is a toaster, everything above that belongs to another realm. I mean how can you satirise a toaster? Anyway, the quest failed so you can look forward to science articles like “Toasters eh, one minute they’re up the next they’re down. Isn’t that crazy?”

Matt Davis

Dan Gordon‐Potts

Image: Will Rowan

p g y y y business and run away when they know they’re in trouble. I know that they would not easily back down from a challenge

- If all else fails they could literally just leave, fly away little guy.

- They have a crazy good memory, they could come back with a vengeance if they felt wronged, maybe we should all be taking more care with how we treat them.

Squirrels:

- The pure density of the squirrels in King’s Manor gives them a serious advantage

- Their quickness and agility allows for fast reactions, a squirrel could change pace to match however the pigeons may fight They could even follow them in the air by running up a tree.

- There are generally a pretty good number of squirrels at all times, if there’s drama we can assume that there will be back up at hand in a brawl.

- Now, the PR of the squirrels is incredible - they have their own insta page, if there was any cleaning up after such an encounter between the two creatures, we know for a fact that the public opinion would be in support of the squirrels. It’s up to you to deliberate how ethical that is In conclusion, I cannot provide an answer for this quarrel, nor would I encourage this fight club to materialise One thing I will stand by is my established respect for squirrels, but also the need for justice for pigeons, the friends we have abandoned #pigeonprotectionprogramme #squaringupsquirrels

Maisie Hemmings

Lemon Press to Rebrand Itself to be More York‐baity

You’ve heard of YorCups and you’ve scanned your YorCards to get into your halls, but you’ve never read a YorLemonPress We here at the University of York’s most prestigious *cough* and ONLY *cry* satire magazine would like to change that Or rather, we’d like to YorChange that and in doing so, YorChange the world!

That’s right, as part of a Yor-niversity that really cares about our Yor-ndergraduates like you, little reader (and our Yor-staff - we see you strolling around campus reading this), we need to rebrand to keep up with the times and stay #YorSome (like awesome, but combining York and awesome together for ultimate effect).

Now, we’re aware that going from our beloved name, The Lemon Press, to the more York appropriate YorLemonPress may make you feel uncomfortable, or rather Yor-nncomfortable We just want to assure you not to (Yor)worry, it’s going to be Yor-k

Lemons have always had a close relationship with York (York was actually the birthplace of the banana), hence why we feel that it is only right to acknowledge our zesty roots.

We’d love to hear YorThoughts about this decision, so DM us on Yor-nstagram, watch our cheeky vids on Yor-hub, and attend our upcoming YorTalk in Yorwent College to find out more from our new committee, I mean, Yor-Committee!

Are you still reading these words? Wow! Take a selfie of you reading this now and use our #Yorsome hashtag, you’re clearly insufferable and enjoy being York-bated in everything you do

By Actually YorCharlie Jeffery (Editor in Chief) xx

Some of you told us you actually read these headers Now we're shy :(

Rishi Sunak Bans Left

In an effort to improve his poll ratings and prevent the country from being gripped by the radical leftist Keir Starmer, Rishi has been backed into a corner with one trick left up his sleeve. He banned the concept of left.

This has since had disastrous consequences on all manner of things in the UK, not least of all driving In a world without left, everyone has to drive on the right, which has been a tough adjustment for many This move was regarded as wokey EU nonsense by Reform UK’s Richard Tice who said, "Next thing you know we'll be eating bratwurst and saying bonjour to each other!"

People have struggled re-learning how to eat using only their right hand, at times leading to people having messy fingers Piano pieces have sounded as though there is a baseline missing due to the lower parts of the piano not being played nearly as often. This policy has also led to smug comments from internet political commenters who had previously said that Rishi Sunak's Conservative party would lead to the country having nothing left. They all simply logged onto their favourite social media and posted the word "See?”.

Starmer responded to the situation by stating "Whilst I do understand the importance of both right AND left as concepts, two wrongs don't make a right and neither do two lefts. In this political environment we ultimately would not pursue the reinstatement of the concept of left immediately in the first term of a Labour Government"

Matt Davis

‘Hardest Geyser’ Aims to Spray the Length of Africa

Inspired by Hardest Geezer’s record breaking run across the length of Africa, one Icelandic geotherm has so far raised £4036 and counting in preparation for their efforts to spray the length of Africa

Hardest Geyser aims to spray their way from Ras Ben Sakka, the tip of Cape Angela in Tunisia, and finish at the southernmost point at Cape L’Agulhas in Western Cape, South Africa The Lemon Press has no idea how a geyser is supposed to move at all let alone travel over 15,000 kilometres, but we have faith that the challenge can be completed

Lorcan Ray

Really Bad Satire

In recent issues, we have had some really high quality satire submitted by our writers and this is really fantastic but people are getting their expectations too high while reading this So here's some bad satire to remind people that it could be much worse: The Prime Minister did erm hmm. Err, well. I guess you had to be there.

Russian Soldiers Told to Stop ‘BeingReal’ in Ukraine

Evidence has emerged that Ukrainian soldiers have become so adept with drone attacks and missile strikes because of Russian soldiers' frequent use of ‘BeReal.’.

The app notifies the user at a random time in the day and takes a picture from both phone cameras. At first Russian soldiers thought it was harmless, but then around 30 seconds after they posted their picture they noticed a bomb shaped shadow appear above their head.

Putin is furious at how his soldiers are using this However, US intel has found that Putin has an account and is a frequent user. Allegedly, he sent a friend request to Ukrainian President Zelenskyy so he can do a Uno reverse card attack. But so far to no avail. Putin has told his generals to put an end to the practice. He suggested they use Snapchat or Instagram In a leaked audio he even said “Fuck it, let them use MySpace!”. Yet, Russian soldiers refuse to give up their BeReal streak

Cameron Stenhouse

Matt Davis

Image: Hannah Wright

Image: Eddie Atkinson

Rishi Sunak to Open Mental Health Clinic that Looks Suspiciously Like a Shein Factory

Aware that his glorious leadership is nearing a calamitous end at the hands of charismatic jack-the-lad Keir Starmer, Rishi Sunak has taken to hurriedly passing legislation close to his heart, namely putting the mentally ill to work!

Rishi is a man of compassion and heart, so his new mental facility will boast all the state of the art treatments money can buy: a conveyor belt (to help patients visualise their path to healing), sharp needle and thread (arts and crafts can often be quite peaceful) and a malevolent and litigious HR department (sometimes all you need is some tough love) Other benefits (don’t say that word too loudly around him) will include the provision of a personalised bottle of water to piss in while attending to one’s crafts and a meticulously trained overseeing professional (the degree might be in management).

Suggestions were made that a similar model could be used in factories for the creation of Doc Martens, but it was decided the producer-buyer relationship would be too incestuous

Eddie Atkinson

I’ve had allegations of election interference thrown at me by various students and they are totally wrong and unfounded. That’s why I’ve chosen to speak to The Lemon Press, and explain what people misinterpreted as interference.

Firstly, I never engaged in any of the campaigning activities outside the library. The people doing this were not connected to my campaign in any way, and certainly did not harass random students until they voted for me. They are best described as independent activists, and their actions were swiftly condemned on my campaign’s WhatsApp group

As for the allegations that I was lurking by the entrances to lecture theatres, looking over people’s shoulders as they voted and then giving them a couple of Quality Streets once I had confirmed that they had voted for me, this is a total misrepresentation and distortion of the truth. My sole intention was to increase turnout and encourage people to vote. I couldn’t care less who they voted for, although a strangely large number of them seemed to vote for me It must have been my charismatic campaigning Finally, some students may have seen me campaigning around the dining halls during dinner service. There are rumours spreading that, once people had signed in to their accounts, I snatched their phones and proceeded to vote for myself on their behalf. The simple truth of the matter is that these students didn’t seem like the sort of people who were good with technology, whereas I was very accustomed to the voting website, having voted once myself and having also helped my housemates to vote when they left their laptops unattended in the kitchen

As told, by a surprisingly large number of people, to Max Latchman

We Spoke to the Reform Member Who Got Sacked for Dying

He didn’t say much

Eddie Atkinson and Emily Sinclair

Image: Eddie Atkinson

In Celebration of 15 Years of The Lemon Press Here is Some Satire That Should Have Been Written 15 Years ago…

The Lemon Press are proud to introduce a new magazine, called The Lehman Press. We hope to provide financial management to students and financial services employees alike.

This time the housing bubble won't burst, trust me I swear on it. Especially if you go into student housing in a place like York where demand will easily outstrip the pace of supply due to their planning application rules

I reckon in about 15 years you'll be able to get six people in a house spending £200 a week each on rent to get you super rich

We'd like to apologise to most of our current day readership who were unable to take advantage of this due to being five at the time. Sowwyyy!

Matt Davis

Debate Rages About Most Important Election Issue of All Time

Amidst humanitarian disasters, a cost of living crisis and a looming general election, Britain’s two leading politicians have ensured media coverage focuses on the most important issue of all: whether the little England flag on the back of the football shirt has a bit of blue on it

Both Rishi Sunak and Keir Starmer (one of whom will be our PM for the next five years [leave room to shudder here]) have come out all guns blazing on the issue, recognising that it is of utmost importance to the voting public Excitingly, as with most issues, they seem to be sort of saying the same thing, which must mean they’re both exactly right?

The one slight snag with this grand face-off is that SURELY noone cares This is one of the controversies that has mattered the least in the history of ever. I care much more about news regarding Larry the Downing Street cat then I could ever even conceive of minding about this.

Now, dear reader, you may be thinking, “You write for the Lemon Press, of course you don’t care. Your only exercise is trekking to East for distribution once a term and you think sport is just a thing Leo Di Caprio says in the Great Gatsby.”

But, like tens, maybe even twenties of male English Literature students across the country, I hold a dark secret I quite like football I go to games fairly often and pretend to be masculine for a few delicious hours, pint in hand and my book of Romantic poetry stowed surreptitiously into my coat pocket Yet, importantly, I still absolutely could not give less of a shit about this flag thing

Eddie Atkinson

New 'Water Feature' Installed in Every Single Hotel in Dubai

In response to recent flooding and storms affecting the UAE, the Emir of Dubai Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum has declared that every single hotel in Dubai will have its own water feature

This will be caused by water flowing from the top of the building down through the internal walls (for some reason) It is claimed that these may also be installed in supermarkets, restaurants, offices and people's homes The Government of the region has stated "don't worry about it haha" whilst discussing the potential water damage to their properties that may occur during the installation as it will likely simply add value to those properties

Matt Davis

How much would you pay for TLP branded cigarettes?

Image: Adam Berry and Oscar Rowen

Rishi Sunak Redefines His ‘Five Key Promises’ In Order to Actually Meet Them

Remarkably, Prime Minister Rishi Sunak has quietly introduced some extremely subtle modifications to his five key promises, ensuring they now come with a generous serving of ambiguity Let’s remind ourselves of what these five key promises were, and what Sunak has secretly changed these to:

1. ‘Halve Inflation’ becomes ‘Attempt to Halve Inflation, Give or Take a Few Percentage Points’

2. ‘Grow the Economy’ becomes ‘Nudge the Economy in the General Direction of Growth, if External Factors Align’

3. ‘Get Debt Falling’ becomes ‘Slow the Rate of Debt Increase, Hopefully, Fingers Crossed’

4 ‘Cut NHS Waiting Lists’ becomes ‘Make Some Progress on NHS Waiting Lists, Depending on Factors Beyond Our Control’

5 ‘Stop the Boats’ becomes ‘Take Measures to Address the Issue of Irregular Migration, With Varying Degrees of Success’

“Poor Rishi had bitten off more than he could chew,” one Downing Street advisor told The Lemon Press. “He’s just a little guy, like any of us! Have some sympathy!”

All we know is that with these new promises, Sunak has a 100% success rate, ensuring that his pledges remain as fluid and elusive as ever. Anyway, why commit to concrete targets when you can revel in the comforting embrace of plausible deniability?

Oscar Rowen

Badlands Chugs Hired By York Council to Reduce City Flooding

In an unexpected turn of events, York City Council has decided to enlist the unique talents of Badlands Chugs, the internet's favourite beverage chugger, in their battle against chronic city flooding.

For those unfamiliar, Badlands Chugs rose to fame by showcasing his extraordinary ability to guzzle down enormous quantities of liquids in a single gulp, captivating audiences worldwide with his entertaining antics From soda to hot sauce, and even baked beans, no beverage is too daunting for the modern-day chugging maestro.

So, how did the idea of employing a professional chugger to address a pressing urban issue like flooding come about?

According to one councillor, it all stemmed from a desperate need for innovative solutions

"We’ve tried every single other possible method to no avail, and it's time to think outside the box", they told The Lemon Press “Who better to tackle all this excess liquid than someone with a proven track record of chugging it down with lightning speed?"

According to council claims, Mr Chugs will be on standby for service whenever York's natural flood defences give way. Armed with a custom-designed straw to swiftly slurp up the excess water, he will be at the forefront of flood mitigation efforts. Moreover, he will have a designated office situated by the banks of the Ouse, enabling him to closely monitor river conditions firsthand.

Experts are divided on the matter. While some acknowledge the potential benefits of utilising Badlands Chugs' unique skill set to rapidly remove large volumes of water, others remain sceptical of the feasibility of a human being able to consume that much liquid “We’re talking about millions of gallons of water here”, one prominent water-based scientist told us. “And that’s ignoring the fact it’s dirty, muddy river water!”

As the city braces itself for this unprecedented collaboration between a professional chugger and urban flood management, residents are left wondering if they should put their faith in the YouTuber or simply invest in a good pair of rubber boots

Oscar Rowen

Students Turning the Frogs Gay All Around the Country

It’s no big news that the woke left have infiltrated every aspect of our society, but this has gone too far Due to the frivolous behaviour of medicating any chap or chappette who waltzes into a GP office with “low mood” the frogs have all actually started turning gay, with data spiking in recent weeks as dissertation deadlines loom. According to the r/liberalcringe reddit page with evidence a bit too detailed for my liking, we can see the frogs really do love being more camp than ever before! The SSRIs have made it into the waterways We’re all screwed!

Next time you think of taking your silly little sertraline, think of the amphibians you are hurting.

Maisie Hemmings

Image: Ava Young

My Meds Have Made Me Happy… But At

What Cost?

My medication has made me more stable and sociable but it’s also made me lose all of my powers to curate satire. Mental health is important, sure, but doesn’t being funny and goofy make a little bit of psychological suffering just a tiny bit more worth it? Below I’ve created a pros and cons list for going off my meds:

Pros:

Can make me type suuuuuper fast: Regardless of the actual quality of what I write, if I simply write lots and lots of articles all of the time I should be fine. My meds make me slow and patient and those are two qualities that are completely detrimental to my being able to produce lots of low quality cum jokes.

Can make me come up with literally soooooo many ideas: On my meds I can produce one thought per hour, off them I can produce about four or five This is instrumental to my ability to be extremely hilarious, which is what my non-medicated self has convinced me I am

Can make me go insane from time to time: Too much silliness and goofiness can make you go womp womp! but too little can make you an unproductive producer of funny material which is what The Lemon Press needs more than people need water and air

Cons:

You become an NPC 99% of the time The other 1% you just stare at a wall.

One more bad human experience would push me over the edge (I’d give myself bangs again).

I would get my tiddies and as$! back

Devil's Advocate Alternatives: Argument Tactics

Devil's Dadvocate: Just say you ' re not angry with them, just disappointed

Devil's Sadvocate: Say "for the sake of argument" and then start crying in front of them until they go away

Devil's Word Saladvocate: Hfoaui oisdnjo opadf ipuanf ohuadsjnv is

Devil's Chuckleheadvocate: Call the person you ' re arguing with a chucklehead

Devil's Ladvocate: wheyyyyy

Devil's Iliadvocate: go on a very long journey and tell them about it, make sure it's in some form of verse

Devil's Gonadvocate: Explicit Content Viewer Discretion is Advised

Devil's Myriadvocate: It's myriad ways not a myriad of ways

Now you ' re ready to be annoying when your friends bring up any points

Matt Davis

New SABB Promises a Giant Candle to Attract Students to Campus East

Like a moth to a… errrr. I can’t remember.

The inequality between Campus East and Campus West is unprecedented.

Campus East has en-suite accommodation, while Campus West has 4 bars. Campus East has state of the art facilities, while Campus West has a coffee shop!

So a new student, sick of the divide between the affluent Campus West students and low-life proletariat Campus East students wants to build a new project To attract students, a 100 foot candle will be built.

They argue that Campus East has nothing It has no student life because there is nothing there!

I mean, there’s only one bar! With a pan-Asian restaurant! Which is only in Glasshouse and no other venue! And offers a variety of different foods and drinks!

“So why don’t they just go to Campus West?” I hear you ask in your ivory West Campus tower. Which is filled with silverfish and black mould.

Well, to get to a bar from Campus East you have to QUEUE at a bus station and get a free bus or walk 10 MINUTES. Outrageous!

So a 100 foot candle will attract more students to a bustling campus east like moths to a… errr….something I still can’t remember the metaphor

Cameron Stenhouse

You like this? You should see our

Caedwalla

Image: Ava Young

Mysterious Cult Active in Yorkshire

A true account by one of our members:

This one isn’t even satire It’s just a genuine story I would like to share. Be careful reading this if you’re gullible or easily swayed. They might approach you next

So this is how it started: I have this group of friends who are always together and always getting up to strange things. Looking back, this was a huge red flag I just thought they were all housemates, or maybe in some sort of multi-directional relationship or something, but fucking hell was I wrong This was a full-on cult recruitment team.

When this group asked me if I wanted to “hang out” with them after a lecture, I suspected nothing, of course It started out well, but when we ended up in the woods with a 5-liter tank of something that smelled suspiciously like petrol, some alarm bells should have started ringing. They didn’t. I happily followed them in, carrying the tank

This is where things got interesting. We were into the woods both literally and figuratively. What started out as a chill postlecture hangout had somehow managed to mutate into what I can only describe as “trials by water and fire”. These people were hell-bent on initiating a new member, and I was their prey The trials commenced, and I was still not backing out. I was well and truly in their grip now I stood knee deep in a lake, saying their secret pledge while holding a flaming torch (there are multiple witnesses of this). I ran through flooded fields, I breathed fire, I was remade

And where am I now, I hear you thinking. To be honest, life just goes on as usual Being a cult member isn’t so bad at all I go about my normal routine as if nothing has changed, but, every so often, I meet somebody with whom I share that special connection that comes from being part of something larger than yourself. I am myself, but I have gone beyond that. I have grown. I am complete, and YOU could be too Join us Join us Join u-

[Editor’s note: the rest of this testimony has been removed, as The Lemon Press does not support indoctrination unless properly compensated for it.]

Finn Russell

New Word: Flungover

Definition: Hungover with the flu

Origin: It came to me just now as I was being sick in the toilet I also have the flu and had too much at the toga party.

Example sentence: “Mate I was so flungover on Tuesday the seminar was a struggle”

Lorcan Ray

What’s In My Bag?!

- Iced matcha latte with oat milk

- Lipstick

- Generational trauma

- Some crumbs

- My trinkets (more crumbs and some hairpins or something equally useless)

- Makeup wipes

- Chewits

- Sunglasses

- Rotisserie chicken (just the bones though)

- Lip Gloss

- Enchilada sauce

- Milk of Magnesia (for the enchilada sauce)

- A Waitrose Meal Deal (sushi as a snack, pasta as a main, another ice latte as a drink, a little sertraline as a post-lunch treat)

New Disneyland‐Inspired Statue of Charlie Jeffery Holding Longboi's Wing

Finally the money raised for YUSU’s Longboi statue is funding a 10 foot tall statue of VC Charlie holding the wing of deceased duck and religious icon Longboi This mirrors the famous bust of Walt Disney holding the hand of Mickey Mouse. This decision is the first step in a project to make the University of York a theme park with rollercoasters and amusements similar to that of Disneyland or Disneyworld.

“We want to celebrate the fact the University of York is the happiest place on Earth” Charlie Jeffery said in a statement released to UCAS “Sorry, the crappiest place on Earth,” he corrected.

Jack Stuart

Ava Young

My Experience With CBT

A couple weeks ago I asked my GP for some support on my mental health issues and she offered me CBT: Cock and Ball Torture I have decided to document my experiences with the treatment and the effects it has had on my mental health.

However I think it is important to note the following facts about myself:

1) I am biologically female; I do not have any cock and balls to torture.

2) I have never owned a Twitter account so I do not possess the necessary self-hatred and self-delusion to think I could survive CBT.

3) I literally just asked for some Diazepam I’ll let you guys know how it goes!!!

Pweebo Tooba

Every Job Application Now:

Stage 1: Send in your CV

Stage 2: Send in a Cover letter

Stage 3: Fill in a personality questionnaire with right answers that no one can ever figure out, questions like do you like to on your own projects? (if you answer yes they'll assume you ' re a misanthrope who is allergic to other people)

Stage 4: Shit in a cup and send it in to the employers This apparently functions as a health check but it's a little confusing anyway

Stage 5: Give them the details of at least two close contacts

Stage 6: Give them the details of any government agencies you ' ve worked for

Stage 7: Another questionnaire about your personality - this time you have to answer the exact opposite to how you answered it the first time

Stage 8: An exercise where you pretend to be good at the job you ' re applying for

Stage 9: An interview

Stage 10: Rejection (or maybe being hired, I guess)

Paranoid schizophrenic medium claims “everywhere is haunted”

Earlier this week we spoke with Simon Flaccid, a forty-six-yearold Acomb resident and practising medium, about a shocking claim he made on X Through TwitLonger, Lionel published a 6,000-word post covering topics that included “harnessing snake energy” and “playing scrabble with God’s horse” among others; most notably in the thirteenth quatrain, he mentions that, in his professional opinion, every location on Earth is haunted

Lionel claims that he can hear the voices of those long dead wherever he goes, as well as those still alive but just not in the room at the moment, and even those in the room but haven’t said anything yet He also claims that this is a product of him being a medium, and has nothing to do with his paranoid schizophrenia diagnosis which has been confirmed by three independent psychiatrists Throughout the course of the interview with him in The Lemon Press offices, Simon was visited by no fewer than six spirits, each one telling him to ‘free the wall people living in the walls’ (a ridiculous notion -Eds).

Adam Berry

I Would ONLY Love You If You Were a Worm

Look, we both know what’s been happening… we’ve been drifting apart I’ve slowly started feeling myself falling out of love with this marriage, my life and our children. There’s nothing we can do but accept it and part ways amicably.

EXCEPT

I’ve just thought of something…

OBVIOUSLY I’m not attracted to you at the moment, but if you got a little wrigglier, a little slimier I can’t conceive of holding you right now but if you were tiny and blind?! Moving about in my hand?! Different story altogether

Basically either we can spend thousands on marriage counselling while we wait for our kids to leave home OR you could start putting in some actual effort. I bet you haven’t even tried searching ‘vermicular wizard’ on LinkedIn Well I have and it didn’t really work, but there’s a man on facebook marketplace who’s promising me a long pink snake so I’m feeling pretty hopeful.

Eddie Atkinson

Matt Davis

Image: Adam Berry

Image: Ava Young

spend more time doomscrolling and panicking about the future

TV’s Most Haunted Investigates Reputedly Haunted Eric Milner B Block

The television show Most Haunted has last week investigated the reputedly haunted Eric Milner B Building, The Lemon Press has learned The TV show, presented by Yvette Fielding, features a team of ghost hunters who investigate reports of paranormal activity at supposedly haunted locations throughout the country. Most Haunted was said to have been attracted to the abandoned building on Campus West after learning of stories from third year students, who claim to have regularly heard drawers opening and closing and water running in the unoccupied Room 214 whilst they were living in the building as first years

The Most Haunted team and TV crew rocked up to Campus West on a dark and stormy night last week, where they parked in the James College car park before making their way over to the condemned accommodation block Shortly after arriving at the Eric Milner B Building, the team lit a circle of candles on the floor inside and began a seance in an attempt to communicate with any restless spirits trapped within the confines of the building’s asbestos filled walls Suddenly a deep voice was heard booming “No candles in student accommodation!” from an office formerly owned by the University’s Accommodation Services, but upon investigation no one was found. The team reconvened along the corridor to a former kitchen, where not long after entering the room, Yvette Fielding began screaming about “ectoplasm everywhere” and fell to the floor, writhing around yelling “It has seized me! It has smothered me in its goo!” However, this turned out to be nothing more than water from the lake’s fountain blowing onto her through an open window

After spending an hour trying to make a Ouija board out of a dismantled wardrobe and a dried out sharpie, they turned their attention to a noise coming from the floor above. The team quickly climbed up the stairs and flung open the door to the first floor corridor, where they were met with the terrifying sight of the giant floating head of a bald young man, grinning menacingly The team fled the block and declared their investigation over. Not fancying their chances with the CircuitPlus laundry machines, they drove straight back home to throw their underwear straight in the wash, whilst still trying to process just who or what they had encountered.

The Lemon Press is most grateful to the Most Haunted team for releasing a photo of the hairless horror seen on the corridor for inclusion with this article. We would like you, the reader, to come to your own conclusions regarding the authenticity of this image and whose ghost it may feature, but all of us on the TLP Committee believe it to be the restless soul of our former editor, once a resident of Eric Milner B Block, who tragically died of deep disappointment following this year’s Student Publication Awards

Hal Muxlow Fisher

SHIV, SPAFF, LOVE

The alternative to the middle-aged mothers’ mantra everyone’s come to hate, live laugh love : Shiv (what is life without knife?)

Spaff (strictly cum dancing and spaff like no one’s watching)

Love (this one stays because all you need is love and love is what makes the world go round)

Home decoration posters for this are available at your local B&M and we also encourage you get this tattooed on a body part of your choice.

Jack Stuart

Zack Snyder announces R rated live action Avatar, “I want to make one too!”

Reportedly with no funding whatsoever, filming has begun for the “Snyders cut” of the third live action remake of Avatar: The last Airbender. Filmed entirely in Snyders garden, the film stars a bald Henry Cavill as “Aang”, a 12 year old monk with the power to control all four elements. Snyders promises his cut will keep all the magic expected of his films, deciding to shoot entirely in greyscale, and occasionally have the characters whisper “fuck” under their breath

Alongside Cavill stars Gal Gadot as “Katara”, a little girl oppressed by a fascistic colonial government and Ben Affleck as “Sokka” Snyder called the casting “ a miracle”, and claimed that no one else better suited the roles

Joe Best

Image: Hal Muxlow Fisher

Stereotypes I Associate With Books from Around the World Based On My Reading

Books Set in Nineteenth Century England: poverty, despair, bri’ish people.

Japanese and Korean Domestic Dramas: totally innocuous plot and then the most insane plot twist you’ve ever seen in your life. (Example: a woman lives a nice normal life cooking dinner for her family and then ten pages towards the end she straight up murd£r$! her husband, who wasn’t even mentioned until now) Russian literature: existential dread, crime, the most poignant sentence you’ve ever read, tragedy, mental illness.

Classic American literature: alcoholism, racism, misogyny, patriarchy, cowboys, we live in a society <3, i hate my wife :(( Modern American literature: be kind <3, capitalism sucks <3, we are all human <3

Ava Young

My Pronoun Headcanons for Random Characters

The Numbertaker (Numberjacks)- they/he

Auntie Mabel (Come Outside)- she/they

Jesse Pinkman (Breaking Bad)- he/they

All of the fimbles (Fimbles)- they/them

Makka Pakka (In The Night Garden)- they/he

Elmo (Sesame Street)- they/he

Tweety (Tweety Bird)- they/them

Jerry (Tom and Jerry)- he/they

Pink Panther (Pink Panther)- he/she/they

Ursula (The Little Mermaid)- she/they

Maisie Hemmings

Gaslighting Epidemic: Is the Jedi Mind Trick Just Another Way to Gaslight?

I never trusted Obi Wan since that poor man at the bar just wanted to sell him death sticks and he told him to “rethink his life”. But of course it’s no surprise, as he and all the Jedi are manipulating gaslighters Think about it: “Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to the dark side” - that is the denial of someone else’s emotions!

“No you can’t feel angry your mum died, Anakin, because that’s the dark side” - bullshit! No wonder he killed those younglings (RIP). Yoda always goes on and on about what he feels. So does Mace Windu. They don’t give a shit how Anakin feels and tell him he’s not a master because he gets upset! Gaslighting 101 And of course it’s the ‘midichlorians’ within your blood which cause all the powers yeah blaming someone’s body for their actions I’ve heard that before.

All the Jedi are just hooked on Ambien They’re not ‘enlightened’ they’re just numb with painkillers Yeah I said it There’s an opioid epidemic in space as well as in this galaxy.

Cameron Stenhouse

Ava’s Last Ever Film Reviews

I have seen none of the films listed below This is what I guess my reaction would be if I watched them.

Challengers: Tom Holland is going to use this film in his infliction of emotional distress lawsuit against Zendaya…and I think he might win

Damsel: Whoever is holding Millie Bobby Brown at gunpoint making her do these terrible films I’m going to need them to either shoot or leave her alone once and for all

Imaginary: You could literally just cut the bear’s head off?? What's the central conflict here??

Love Lies Bleeding: I know Katy O’Brian’s physique in this is going to drive gym bros everywhere to increase their creatine and lesbian sex intake by 1000000%

Megalopolis: From what I’ve heard I think it’s just Lars von Trier’s The Great Gatsby Monkey Man: Every babygirl (Dev Patel) has his off days (exacting brutal revenge on his enemies) and that’s okay <3 Nosferatu: One haribo tangfastic and he’d wake tf back up methinks.

Road House: He’s bottomed his way to the top before, are we really surprised Jake Gyllenhaal has done it again?

Ava Young

Subway Surfers to put Subway Surfers Under Subway Surfers to Help You Concentrate on Subway Surfers

Since the Ancient Egyptians, man has been placing videos of a child in a hoodie running away from a police officer across woefully ill-guarded rail tracks under our most important texts. Archaeologists have recently uncovered a secret bottom section of the rosetta stone which was just a flip book, intricately carved onto paper-thin slabs of rock, of an unnamed figure vaulting a chariot before running into a low plinth and dying (having already used up their ad view for a second life).

But, like the city setting of our hero’s escape when a new update is unleashed, change is inevitable and it has come. Literary critics, anthropologists and 12 year olds alike have finally begun to focus their attention solely on this bottom text, this ever present companion

Unfortunately however, this means we briefly face the unprecedented issue of focussing on something that doesn’t have gameplay underneath it Have no fear! SYBO (apparently that’s the company that makes subway surfers) have announced that they will be adding additional video, helping you concentrate on the subway surfing by sharing your attention span between two screens, one in which you surf subways and another in which someone else traverses tube lines, with the possibility of adding further screens of rail riders (not porn), monorail movers, DLR dodgers, Northern rail navigators and LNER larkers. Whether or not HS2 hijinks havers will feature will likely depend on funding

Eddie Atkinson

I'm not a pro at nouns but I'll have a go

Paddington Bear Forced to Leave the Country

The little brown bear who bravely stood up to Hugh Grant when he stole an important book from a local antique shop, will be forced to leave the country in April as he is unlikely to find a job that fulfils the requirements of a visa under the new system.

Home Secretary James Cleverly stated "I don't care if he's a bear, I don't care if he's named after my favourite train station, rules are rules. Besides, he's a criminal isn't he?"

Upon being told that Paddington's name was cleared he said, "Cleared? Really? You expect me to believe the stories of some bear over Hugh Grant? I mean, come on "

A documentary detailing Paddington's journeys outside of the UK is set to come out in a few years time called 'Paddington in Peru'

Matt Davis

Lettuce Lasts Longer than Leto Atreides

As the Harkonnens left Arrakis, and Leto Atreides’ stewardship was announced by imperial decree, one Arakeen resident had a great idea

Unconvinced by Leto’s ascendancy, they placed a lettuce on their kitchen counter and live-streamed it, making the case that the lettuce will last longer than the stewardship of the new duke. Failure to get spice production up and running again, along with the failure to get an alliance with the Fremen off the ground, meant that the duke’s days were numbered. After the Harkonnen invasion this week, TLP’s Arrakis editor has confirmed that the lettuce has outlasted the unfortunate duke after only a few weeks

Critics have speculated that the lettuce live stream is a benegesserit plot to sow doubt over the duke’s reign, though the bene-gesserit have declined to comment.

Jimmy Carr and Ricky Gervais DESTROY Woke Snowflakes by Having Steamy Gay Sex Live in New Netflix Special

Scared wokies? Well you should be! Because nothing is off limits in a new Netflix special starring Ricky Gervais and Jimmy Carr

Both these free speech crusaders tear into those bastards who have had it too good. The special named “Punching Down: We Are Soulless” fights back against where the real power is Some jokes target the LGBT+ community, orphans and Palestinian children - that will show the wokies!

The finale of the special involves a knee slapping display of sexual performance where Ricky (the top) penetrates the woke agenda and Jimmy’s (the bottom) bottom Jimmy’s classic gags (pun intended) can be heard through the moans as he randomly exclaims “ your mum” This is followed by short bursts of his iconic laugh in time to Ricky’s thrusts.

Gervais hopes the duo can perform this display in the next Golden Globes to really show the Liberal Screen Actors Guild (SAG).

But perhaps in reality he should be focusing on how his own balls SAG [Stop! Now I can’t get the image of Gervais’ balls out of my head - Ed]

Every Time I Pogged in the Cinema

We’ve all been there. The cinema I mean. Here are the most pogworthy moments of the last year and a bit Oppenheimer: at the end when the guy said the senate was talked around by “John F Kennedy” that was so cool - I pogged for like 5 minutes.

Monkey Man: when Dev Patel called in an army of trans women to kill those baddies - pogged so hard I hurt my jaw

Kung Fu Panda 4: when the gay dads gay dadded - pogged so hard my brother had to restrain me

Stalker: had no idea what was happening but pogged at the seven minute shot of a telephone.

Dune 2: when the twink said silence to the gilf - the whole audience got hella poggy

The Crow: my epileptic grandfather pogged really early on and remained stationary for several hours.

Eddie Atkinson, Adam Berry and Matt Davis (This is the most collaborative yet worst article we've ever written)

Cameron Stenhouse

Lorcan Ray

Image Credit: Lorcan Ray (holds the any% speedrun for joining TLP committee ‐ currently 52 minutes)

She studious on my zone til I buzz

Rating Weather on How Romantic it Would be to Kiss Twink Hugh Grant In Rain:

This is your bog-standard, your no brainer A few points off because you’ll have to tumble dry your clothes when you get back and that’s gonna be loud as shit. Plus you might forget a tissue in your pocket and be picking little white bits out of your jumpers for days 7/10

Sunny: BORING Now you’re just kissing a posh man with a bit of a stutter on a clear day If you want to get an ice cream and fuck Boris Johnson just say that. 3/10

Snow: This is pretty romantic! It's like rain but colder and less hospitable, sort of the Leeds to its York As a bonus if you bag it and tell Hugh it's cocaine you could probably convince him to do his tap dance number from Paddington 2. 8/10

Lightning: Kissing is always more exciting if there’s a tiny chance you’ll be zapped and fuse into one being - a vast mega-Hugh whose powers are limitless and whose lovable clumsiness has been replaced by the uncontrollable urge to kill. 9/10

Frog Rain: I’m just a man, standing in front of another man, asking him whether maybe we should go inside before we get hit by a flying amphibian But you know kissing in the rain is still kissing in the rain 6/10

Sharknado: Cool as fuck Loses points because you won’t be looking at Hugh and will instead be looking at the sick ass Great White Whirlwind. What I never really got about this concept was how the sharks could possibly make the tornado more dangerous, surely they’re just whirring around like Lego in a Hoover. Anyway I’m sure it’s explained coherently and conclusively in the film. 8/10

The Molten Glass Rain of Venus: Again kissing in the rain stays on top. The 100 mile an hour winds scraping your skin off would just make the whole thing more intimate I’m not sure the atmosphere is breathable, but would you be breathing anyway staring into Mr Grant’s baby blues? I’m sure he’d reach out and catch a drop to give you as a keepsake, his trademark charming muttering of ‘bugger’ turning to a slightly less trademark scream of agony as he realises he’s misjudged how fast and molten glass-y it was going to be 10/10

Eddie Atkinson

Maybe something wrong with me but I feel while looking at long bench image so hot. But I am a human and will be punished. How strange it is to be anything at all

Dear Matthew and Avahew

Your One Year Review

Congratulations on making it a full year in post! It has definitely been rare to see such retention in recent years, what with that massive fire and everything, so give yourself a lemony pat on the back for sticking with it all I've been reading your recent work and it turns out Mortons actually prints in decent quality; you just have to look at the pages through rose tinted glasses.

As the designated Observing Alumni, I'm shocked that you haven't all murdered each other yet, and have instead produced Content I am also delighted to see that student media has finally stopped overworking and overexerting itself - it is clear that a new page has been turned.

As for myself? I'm doing fine Had a real mare trying to move out of my uni house, what with The Biggest Worm From Dune in my backyard all upset and incredibly horny. I thought I'd go bankrupt, what with the tonnes of damp dirt affecting my deposit, but fortunately I found a suitable new owner from the University! That's right! REDACTED has a giant sandworm kink!

[Editors, please make the previous part redacted if it does in fact turn out that a prominent university figure does have a ginormous sandworm kink. Also delete this bit too, obviously, otherwise all of us will look REAL stupid right now.]

Anyway I'm off to continue being property of the state Lots of love to a long ago generation that never realised how good it had it, and love to a new era that I don't think I'm capable of understanding.

Kind regards

Former Editor and Not Vince The Vole (seriously, THAT'S the bit that's remembered out of everything? The years of sacrifice only for a legacy to be built on a piece I wrote to fill a page? If this disrespect carries on I WILL do a PhD )

Very Important! Hal's Notes for Editing ﴾and Life﴿

Please capitalise all major words in headlines

Check closely for double finger spaces and other grammar

The University of York, not York University (that is in Toronto)

Campus East and Campus West (capitalised please)

Find someone who can see the spark in you

Capital letters at the start of speech (except at the start of embedded snippets of quotes)

As you let your own light shine, you subconsciously give other people permission to do the same

As you are liberated from your fears, your presence automatically liberates others

Italicise The Lemon Press

File Name Prefixes

[A] - Arts

[C] - Campus

[D] - Duplicated Article

[F] - Features

[L] - Lifestyle

[N] - News & Politics

[O] - Other Content

[P] - Poetry, Games & Horoscopes

[S] - Sports

[T] - Science & Technology

[U] - Unsure / Unspecified

[X] - Flag to Editors

Hal Muxlow Fisher (and maybe Adam Berry as well but idkkkkk)

Image Credit: Adam "you should have voted Louie for UA" Berry

Image Credit: Adam "I would" Berry

Image Credit: Adam "this was made a year ago and is no longer relevant also I have too many nicknames" Berry

A Northerner's Experience at Uni of York

Despite York being in the north of England, as someone from County Durham, I certainly don’t experience it as a northern city It’s definitely more like southern central. So, I thought I’d rebalance the scales and bring you the inside scoop: what it’s like to be a northerner at the University of York

The Accent

It goes without saying that northerners talk differently from those in the South. In fact, a canonical North East experience at university is being asked if you’re perhaps from Scotland or Ireland Yes, you read that right

I can personally vouch that having a northern accent is a real pain for studying English As you can imagine, I say the word ‘book’ quite often. The majority of people twist their faces in confusion at first, soon to be followed by the popular question: “Where are you from?” In my defence, that’s how it’s phonetically spelled So, do one

I’d be lying if I said I haven’t felt insecure at times, especially in first year Certain snobs associate the northern accent with being gormless and unintelligent, which isn’t the best confidence booster Although, everyone I’ve met here so far has been lovely I’m always praying that somebody in my seminars is at least from Yorkshire, but I’m not always that lucky. Sometimes there’s a scouser. That always makes me feel better.

You wouldn’t believe the amount of people who’ve asked me to repeat myself. Even when discussing Jim Hawkins and his mam in Treasure Island And try finding ‘mam’ on a birthday card. Only then will you know true northern oppression. I began pronouncing things differently at first but now I’m just going to turn it up a notch And if ye divn’t like it hinny, ye can gan yem

Everyone Else is Posh

In York, practically everyone and their nan has what we’d call a posh accent Back home, pronouncing consonants and rounding your vowels is only ever performed as the butt of a Joke If I hear someone on campus who sounds like me, it’s like finding the holy grail. I’m finally rescued from the perilous seas of The Queen’s English and people who sound like they could read the BBC News at Six It instantly feels like I know them, too. Even southerners I’ve talked to say how there’s a real sense of comradeship between northerners. It’s true. Suddenly you’re talking about the motherland as if it’s a distant and fading memory, lost in the crowds of North Face jackets, flared jeans and Adidas Sambas. Hard to imagine home is only 65 miles away…

Also, don’t get me started on the ‘dinner’ vs ‘tea’ debate. If you call it ‘supper’, we’ll be having words You know who you are.

Image: Eddie Atkinson

Sam Fender is Your Mascot

Bad day for yellow citrus enjoyers

Knowing Nothing About the South

Sometimes it’s as if the South forgets about the rest of England; the map just stops when you leave London and everything else is rural wilderness, rampant with wild sheep and tumbleweeds Honestly, the ignorance is mutual Back home, we think everyone down south is rich Which isn’t true obviously, but that’s the cultivated stereotype. Oh, and southerners are all Tories I’m sorry that’s just how it is I once came into my sixth form common room with a frappe from Costa and got teased for being a Tory snob It was all jokes, of course, we have a good laugh at your expense. But anything down past Sheffield, I’d say, is instantly private school education, skiing at Christmas and afternoon tea with grandmother and the corgis And did you know they differentiate between different parts of London?! It’s all the same to me. Last Christmas I visited London briefly for the first time; based on the accents and the people, it felt no different from York. Except of course the buses had two doors (take notes Go North East) and I saw some funny dressed chaps in wig costumes driving around in a fancy Bentley. Is this England?

Last but not least, one thing we northerners can agree on is that Manchester is not in the North. I once had a lecture on a play from the ‘North of England’; to my great dismay, the text was set in Salford Simply devastating.

One of the first friends I made at university is from Durham too, and we only met because she saw my Sam Fender t-shirt; fellow countryman immediately identified. I had no idea he was so popular outside of the Newcastle bubble, but it’s a nice flex to have over the southern fans We don’t have many famous people from the North East, besides Jade and Perrie from Little Mix And of course, Cheryl Cole, despite the fact some people think she sounds more Jamaican than Geordie Do Ant and Dec really count these days? Or have they betrayed us and switched teams? That’s the real question. Regardless, Sam Fender is an absolute legend and a welcome signifier for fellow northerners.

Northern Water is Better

There’s nowt to say about this one except read it and weep York water honestly tastes awful and most of the time I can’t even get it to run cold. Back in true North, the water in Durham tastes glorious Pristine I actually had a friend who would fill water bottles when she visited home and bring them back to Uni with her. I’ve seen others do the same on TikTok too, so there’s your scientific proof; it only gets worse the further down you go

Holly Hartford

Image: Rafael Ishkhanyan

Image: Jack Stuart, Stephen Buzzcocks

We put the "dic" in predictable

Cartastrophe ‐ Evil spirit possesses Tesla Cybertruck like‘Christine’

Tesla has recently been put through the ringer in relation to their newest vehicle, the Cybertruck, as it has not met the expectations of the people who had pre-ordered them Can’t wash it in direct sunlight, can’t take it off road and now can’t even use it without risk of it being possessed by an evil spirit That’s right – possessed

It seems like designing a car to perfectly kill any pedestrian it makes contact with would attract some of the most evil spirits to possess it to carry out their spectral vengeance. Witness statements have mentioned details of a ghostly driver behind the wheel, with some stating the ghost looks eerily similar to semi-recently deceased war criminal Henry Kissinger.

Perhaps Mr Kissinger still thirsts for the blood of the masses, and his spirit cannot rest until he has quenched it – although the sightings have coincided with NFT owner meetups so maybe we should just leave him to it

Where The Fuck Does My Dad Go When We Play Peekaboo: Ruth Baby Ginsberg Investigates

Right, life is full of big questions, what does it mean to exist? How walk? How does food on a fork turn into a flying vehicle and why do I find it so suddenly irresistible?

I set out to answer these questions and, most importantly, where the fuck people go when they play peekaboo, alongside esteemed infant philosopher Ruth Bader Ginsbaby (I live in alternate universe where naming conventions centre on naming your child after dead supreme court judges) , but ran into nothing but cover ups, cover ups, and more cover ups (I kept being put to bed)

Youth Bader Ginsberg, a respected infant conspiracy theorist, has suggested that peek-a-boo fugitives can’t be going to their mummies, because there is only one mummy, and she’s mine. So where do they go?

I don’t know I’m the infant reincarnation of a trailblazing figure in the American Justice System, ask Hillatween Clinton.

Ruth

New to The Discovery Channel:

Mythtrusters - Two Guys in a room talk through common preconceptions about the world In a world of needless contrarianism people want something to believe, so why not believe anything

Chewing gum stays in your stomach for 5-7 years?

Yeah I'd believe it.

We only use 10% of your brain Yeah sure, okay

Sitting too close to the TV will make you go blind?

Sounds plausible to me

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day? I do love breakfast.

Tune in next week for more

Biology Department Starts Cloning Service:

Matt Davis

The conspiracy theorists have been claiming it exists for decades, but now it’s finally possible: replacing a real person with a perfectly cloned copy of them, containing lizard DNA.

This innovative process is being offered as a service by the biology department here at York, and has been described as a “total commercial success” A representative has revealed exclusively to The Lemon Press that their so-called lizard clones are already widely present on campus and throughout society.

The service offers several packages for variety of prices, ranging from a mindless clone with just enough capacity to turn up to lectures looking mildly stoned (indistinguishable from a real student), to the multi-clone package being trialled by Charlie Jeffery so he can be in multiple places at the same time, in all of his lizardly glory Of special note is the package where a customer can have a person assassinated and replaced with a clone more to their liking (RIP several sabbs already – anonymous source of intelligence).

This fantastic business is still in its beginning stages, but economists are predicting massive growth and a surge in stock prices There has even been speculation of entry into the fortune 500 For our part here at The Lemon Press, we look forward to seeing how this York-based enterprise matures and develops, and we will keep you up to date with the latest information.

Finn Russell (Not a clone… I promise)

You don't think you've been replaced by a clone?

Louie McVey

Baby Ginsberg

Image credit: Finn Russell

Image credit: Finn Russell

But our pull­out game is elite

Tesla Cybertruck Now Comes With New Feature

The cyber truck now comes with smart driver assist technology that can help you hit directly into a school building Whereas previously drivers would have had to get drunk and make their own guesses as to how best to achieve this, the new driver assist makes sure it is done in the mathematically best way possible When asked why anyone would create anything like that Elon Musk emoted for 15 straight minutes before going back to an entirely blank expression and walking off

Matt Davis

Tesla Cybertruck Now Comes With New Feature

The cyber truck now comes with smart driver assist technology that can help you hit directly into a school building. Whereas previously drivers would have had to get drunk and make their own guesses as to how best to achieve this, the new driver assist makes sure it is done in the mathematically best way possible. When asked why anyone would create anything like that Elon Musk emoted for 15 straight minutes before going back to an entirely blank expression and walking off

Matt Davis

I Invented A Super Cool Space‐Filling technology

Nothing sucks more than trying to write a piece and having a big empty space in the middle of your page I have experienced this many times, and I think many of you will have as well. For this reason, I have developed a method of filling empty space on pages.

Basically, this method is a sophisticated technique to produce rambling, very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very empty, useless, space-filling text It works a dream, I used it here. Try it on your dissertation, trust me, it’s great.

Anonymous contributor

5 Even More Inventions That I Just Can't Believe

A Gadget that twirls spaghetti - makes it so much easier!

A gizmo that allows me to walk through walls - I'd been stuck in my room for ages until I got this

A thingymajig that allows you to go upstairs (without walking) - How cool!

Paper! Toilets, mash it, stick it a stew

Teflon - it's a pretty interesting material leading to the creation of non-stick pans What's more, it allows people to eat microplastics for free! That's so cool I think

More science & tech on the next page... Just kidding that's not true

But how do you know?

Science & Tech

Matt Davis

Image credit: Eddie Atkinson

Image credit: Adam Berry

Ew, I just stepped in mud while writing about this loser being the longest running Ordinary Member in The Lemon Press' history

*squelch*

*ploup*

Aw man.

*gloop*

These boots are ruined

*plop*

Aw I've dropped my phone in there

Paypig donations now account for more than 75% of the nation's income

The income made by financial dominatrices has surpassed 2 8 trillion PPP dollars ­ the second highest national income is made from international student tuition fees

And there was a big woop of dismay in the city today when TroubleFinchDuskyHoldings chopped of an eighth to 2 4 after a disappointing gutter surge tomorrow The central numerical council issued the new seven today ­ it'll be three kilos heavier than the old seven and made of glass

Collaterlie Sisters

Most read

Ordinary Member? I hardly

1 know her ­ and I don't care to

The economics of cock and

2 ball torture

Oh good grief, oh wow,

3 oh heavens

Spotify profits almost enough

4 to pay artists a living wage

Why are you reading this?

5 Do something else

Living deliciously costing the country more than two million newborns every year

Yikes

We think that random quote mark is meant to be there...

Track films you’ve watched. Save those you want to see. Remind your friends that you're insufferable.

The Eight Mountains 2022

Watched 29 Feb 2024

cool visuals and the main guy was caked up but I donʹt speak italian so I donʹt know what was happening

The Hunt 2012

Watched 8 Mar 2024

Mads Mikkelsen can speak english but he doesnʹt in this and I donʹt speak danish so I donʹt know what was happening

Stalker 1979

Watched 11 Mar 2024 even if I could speak russian, which I canʹt, I donʹt think Iʹd be able to understand what was going on

Close 2022

Watched 22 Mar 2024 don

ʹt need to be able to understand french (I canʹt) to know this shit was sad as fuck, but also I donʹt know what was happening

Wings of Desire 1987

Watched 31 Mar 2024

Columbo was in it and he was speaking english but everyone else was speaking german so I donʹt know what was happening

City of God 2002

Watched 12 Apr 2024

I can actually speak european portuguese but this whole film was in brazilian portuguese so I couldnʹt understand what was happening

Madame Web 2024

Watched 20 Apr 2024 unfortunately I can understand english

we can't be bothered to fix it anyway

Films for if you need to drain your dragon

[...]

REAL GUILTY PLEASURES

3. A classic guilty pleasure that has been much maligned campus circulation is our favourite dodgy uncle, Gary Glitter. Who can fail to be roused by the cries of "I'm the leader of the gang!?" And if anyone dares accuse you of advocating some illegal paedophile ring, tell them that your new society is fully ratified by YUSU. And that they're too old to join

[...]

Joe Regan

Sarah Jeffery

Costcutter fears it's not bankrupting enough students

Joe Regan

Harry Fairhurst Building evacuated over Smugness

Cieran Douglass Is Nobody in York getting any?

Elisa Wubs

Seven Things You Will Do This Year

[ ]

6. Convince yourself you have a special understanding with Mr. Efe - You probably will, Mr. Efe's the best.

[ ]

Sam Russell

Neglected and Sad: the other half of the Countdown clock speaks out

Nicholas Saul

Nature of FragSoc still not known by majority

£1 million wasted after Thatcher death 'false alarm'

Michael Regan

SCRAP OUR FUTURE FINANCIAL SECURITY

The Lemon Press launches a campaign to raise tuition fees

Dominic Mantle

Man likes "all kinds of music really, I'll listen to anything."

Tom Cook

YUSU working hard to create a better University for after you've gone

Sam Partridge

Tim

US

Astronauts land on Mars, discover that Vikings got there first

Izaak William

Shock as Murdered Teen "Not Bright and Bubbly"

Tom Keefe

North Korea Releases Song to Rival 'Gangnam Style'

Pasky Miranda

Sports Team Incorrectly Attributes Win to Heart and Determination

Alistair Clarke

Frankie Drummond

Why You Shouldn't

Loathe Michael Gove, by Michael Gove

Oli Carr

The Ballad of a Student Politician

My fellow students vote for me, So I can put this on my CV, Please, I promise to take all this cardboard down.

Tom Davies

STUDENT ACCUSES LTP OF SOHDDY JORNALSIM

Bryony Holleran University Rushes to Meet to Scaffolding Quota

Lois Stone

Only One out of Five Students not Off Their Heads all the Time

Alexandra Craven

What to Do on

a Date

THE LEMON PRESS ORGANISM OF THE YEAR: KATIE

HOPKINS

The Fight against ISIS

‐ YUSU Pledges

Military Support

Ben Walker Labour leader Ed Miliband on what colour his hair would be if he were born a woman

Mumford and Sons:

"There's a lot we can improve"

Gregory Waddell

The Art of Blank Walls: A Guide to Understanding Art Galleries

Rosa Hansell

Callum Gearing, Gabriel Bramley

Jake Roper

Billy Blake & Jake Roper

The Lemon Press can be exchanged for 32 pieces of wet paper at any puddle

YUSU Unsure Whether or Not to Censor This Article

Stephen Harper

THINGS THAT GUNS WOULD HAVE STOPPED, ACCORDING TO THE INTERNAL, DISJOINTED MONOLOGUE OF BEN CARSON

Greg "concealed carry means concealed safety" Waddell

Sand Sales Boom as Climate Change Deniers Hunt for New Places to Bury Their Heads

Ben Burton

EA Unveils New "Pay to Pay" System

Greg Waddell

How do We Utilise the Loose Skin of Nigel Farage When He's Gone?

Ben Walker

Morgan Barker‐Thorne

YUSU to Take Action on Worrying Drop of Gap Yah Students

Applying

Stephen Harper

Joseph Kony's Guide to York nightlife

Alex Lusty

York Celebrity 'Miffed' His Nudes Haven't Ended Up on The Fappening

Steven Woolfe

Conscious

Henry Dyer

YUSU Find New and Exciting Ways to Achieve Nothing

Myles Dunnett

Mime Artist in Existential Crisis after Being Asked to Do 'Brexit'

Henry Dyer

Stephen Harper

York Vision Gets First Ever Spell Checker

Jack Mounser

Emma Green

Man to Speak at University

Greg Waddell

Rosa Hansell

Sid Leigh

Staffordshire, Herefordshire, Do We Really Need Some of These Counties?

Southern Rail Incompetence Reaches New Heights as They Forget Which Surface Trains Run On

Gabriel

Bramley

Conservatives Announce State School Children to be Fed as School Lunch to Private School Children

Long Shot but a Possibility: Can Bernie Sanders Use the Momentum of the 2016 Democrat Primaries to Force a Recount and Become the Democrat Nominee, Causing a Second Election against Donald Trump Where He Also Wins Inspiring the UK to Recount the EU Referendum and Set a Mandate Where 65% of People Have to Vote Leave to Leave Meaning That the Referendum Would Lead to the UK Staying in the EU Meaning Article 50 Can Be Revoked and Also La La Land Wins Best Picture?

Gregory Waddell

Entire Student Population Experiences

Moment of Total Peace and Transcendence as YUSU Systems Go Down for 12 Minutes

JFK Files Cover‐Up: Kennedy Not Shot, His Head Exploded Because He 'Had a Really Good Idea'

Alfie Gerzimbke

Queue for Salvos Reaches Leeds

Jacob Phillips

Studies Confirm: World Too Silly to Satirise

Harry Clay

Escapologist Can't Escape Poor Career Choices

Will Rowan

Mark Matthews

Writer Continues to Use Satire as Alternative to Talking About His Issues for Once

Marvin Drury

Teenage Fangirls Metamorphosing into Five Separate Beings ‐Potential Weapon?

Izzy Palmer

Henry Dyer

Taghreed Ayaz Floridians Lose Keys

Gregory Waddell

Pleasant Conversation at Laundromat Interrupted by Sighting of Unmistakeable Jizz and Shit Stains on Garments

Michael Davies

Gary Glitter's Classic 1974 Song 'Hey Guys, I Am a Paedophile' Analysed ‐ Should We Have Known?

Alfie Gerzimbke

'Where's My Onion?' Says Man Missing Onion

Myles Dunnett

Tim Farron Chains

Himself to Bed in Protest at Gay Sex

Layla Moron

Sid Leigh

Sid Leigh

Man Opposes Vision Backpage on Grounds They Are Receiving More Nudes Than He Is

Spelling Bee Contestant Dies After Being Swatted by Judge

Man Misunderstands what 'Dry January' Means, Dies

Lucy Finnighan

Will Rowan

China to Announce 'One Dakota' Policy

Chris Small

Gregory Waddell

[ ]

Anachronistic Man 'Just in the Wrong Place at the Wrong Time'

Will Rowan

DNA Test Reveals Trudeau is Actually Pakistani, Was Doing Whiteface the Entire Time

Perkin Amalaraj

Sports Were Played

Lucy Finnighan

Henry Dyer, Campus Style Icon

Ash MRA

Asbestos Accused of Having Derwent

Things That Make Me Feel

Perkin Amalaraj

Sad

11. When my Amazon order comes while I'm murdering one of my neighbours

Myles Dunnett

YUSU to Choose Five Random ﴾White﴿ Students to be Sabbs in Efforts to 'Diversify'

Ashvini 'I'm Mixed Race So This is Probably Fine' Rae Club Bouncers

Decline Entry to Student with Black Lotus Card

Henry Dyer

University Stamps out Single‐Use Plastic: Campus Lake to Be Banned

Cameron Gordon

Landlord Decides That Hole to Hell Is 'Not a Major Issue'

Chris Small

Good Cop, Bad Cop Routine Dying Out Due to Lack of Good Cops

Will Rowan

FOR SALE:

Fresher's Condom, Never Worn.

Ernest Hemingway?

Will Rowan

Lemon Press staff burn in solidarity with Notre Dame

'Coronavirus not a Valid Reason for Exceptional Circumstances' Says University

Bex Scott

Was Dominic Cummings Wrong to take a Shit in Every Service Station on the M1?

Harry Clay

YorFlesh

Lucy Purkis Charters

Niall McGenity

First Bus Admits that Live Bus Times are Updated Using a Random Number Generator

Harry James

Colonel Tom Moore Sets up OnlyFans to Raise More Money for the NHS

Will Rowan

London's Finest Struggle to Find New Ways To Harrass Minorities During Lockdown

Perkin Amalaraj

MyUoY App Repurposed as COVID‐19

Tracking Tool

'Soulless' Campus East to Receive Gothic College

Harry James

World Map Damaged

The official map of the world has been damaged in a food and beverage related accident, causing widespread confusion and alarm. [ ]

Will Rowan

Will Rowan

Government Guidance on Coronavirus Safe Sex: Try Incest

Chris Small

Rise in Homosexuality amongst Men after Months of Cancelled Sports

Bethan Hubbard

Harry Clay

Queen to Close Derwent College Only 56 Years After Opening it

Lucas Lefley

How to give your Parents 'The Talk'

﴾That you Write for The Lemon Press﴿

Dan Saxotweet

God Quite Frankly Tired of Saving the Queen

Harry Clay

#YorFucked

Connor Sanders

Niall McGenity

What is the charge? Eating a lemon, a succulent pressed lemon?

Niall McGenity

NHS COVID‐19 App to Add Kill Counts and DPS Meters in Latest Update

Connor Sanders

Euphoria Screenwriter

Introduces First Openly Amish Character

Adam Berry

"Sleepy" Joe Biden

Promises More Funding for Naptime

Ben Brown

Students Demand to Only Pay £30,750 for Degree

Dan Saxotweet

Don't Join the Zoom Call Tomorrow

Wishes the Make‐A‐Wish Foundation

Refused to Do

Charlie, age 8: To Kill John

Cena

[...]

Harry Clay

UN Announces it has 'Lost Trinidad'

Daniel Bennett

Who's at the Student

Media Gloryhole this Week? Reynard

York Races

Everyone is white

Charlie Jeffery

Replaced by Beans

Alex Towells

D‐Bar Opening Again but Only if You're a Good Little Boy

Will Rowan

Iwan Stone

Harry Clay

Paedophiles Dressed up as Schools

Recognised as Essential Workers

Reynard

Will Rowan

University of York Houses Students in Nomadic Tribes

Tom Holderness

York Tories Shocked that Women Exist

Cameron Stenhouse

Reasons I Can Fix the Biggest Worm from 'Dune'

Dan Bennett

Daddy Issues: Our Issues with Father Time

Emily Beasley

All Films Released in 2030 Will Be Pinocchio Related

Matt Davis

Keir Starmer to Feature in Erotic Novellas to Win Votes

Kian Gillespie

Dan Bennett

Honk Girl Summer

Ava Young

Issues 47 through 52

Get Through the Cost of Living Crisis with Mindfulness

Dan Saxotweet

She

Top Ten Positions He Can't Last in

1. Prime Minister - It just never works out, does it?

Ava Young

Local Dad Discreetly Slowing Down Old Sex Playlist to Keep Rhythm

Will Rowan

Oh No, He's Done it Again ‐ Dean Norris

Accidentally Tweets "How to Fuck God"

Adam Berry

How I Bested Hemingway, an Auteur's Guide to Literature

[ ]

'Dead babies...sad dog...recession!'

Metal Box Appears on Campus, Finds Love with Exhibition Centre

Dan Saxotweet

Top Five Chess Positions that will Make Him Cum Ten Times Harder

Niall McGenity

"Longboi was Actually Killed by your Mum, Mate" ‐ A Comment

Marti Stelling

Maisie Hemmings

Mr Blobby Makes

Early Bid to be

Conservative Party Leader

Louie McVey

Issues 53 through 57

Eddie Atkinson

Ranking York Landmarks on How Nice They Would Be to Sit On if I Was a Giant

Eddie Atkinson

Plans to Save Housing Crisis by Building Flats on Wet‐Wipe Island

Man Drops Grape

Finn Russell

"Fax for Fairfax" Scheme Launched then Immediately Cancelled

Hal Muxlow‐Fisher

Dan Saxotweet

Phoebe Rhodes

Fat Kid from UP! ﴾2009﴿ Arrested for Flying Chinese Spy Balloons

Cameron Stenhouse

Wokerarti Watch: The Woke Blob Fucked My Wife

Cameron Stenhouse

Wokerarti Watch: The Woke Blob Fucked My Wife Again

Matt Davis

Netflix to Sponsor Serial Killers Following the Success of 'Dahmer'

Matt Davis

Introducing: McDonald's Thermopylae

Matt Davis

How to Win Student Media Awards

Step 1: have a committee of 400 people

Step 2: there is no step 2

[ ]

PSA: When Do Things Get Better?

1. They don't.

Ben Brown

Cameron Stenhouse

Paying Bills 'Not About Sending Money to Men Called William'

Eddie Atkinson

The National Trust Has Gone Woke

I have never eaten at a cafe in a National Trust house. But I will not let the wokerati tell me that I am unable to have butter in my scones when I’m at them. I don’t care if vegan butter is just called ‘margarine’ and is actually a think that has existed for many years and I just have kind of forgotten about it. It’s not right. It’s not natural. I don’t care if Boris Johnson said that vegan sausage rolls are good now. I’m not a sheep!

Like mayonnaise right, it’s supposed to be slightly odd. A bit strange. But it is something that has been developed from God’s green earth and we can be proud of that.

But VEGAN MAYONNAISE?!? That is an abomination. That is a man‐made horror that should not be tolerated in this world. It’s not natural. It should not exist. I have a bone to pick with the person who invented it. I mean what could possibly be in it. I can understand that egg whites become mayonnaise. I’m pretty sure I've seen meringues being made. Vegan mayonnaise just doesn’t make any sense.

I mean, what could it possibly be made of. No I’m not going to google it. In my day we never had to google anything. Google doesn’t help you anyway it just lets you know what some smug scientists think.

And I don’t care about what those scientists want. The only way to truly find out about what vegan mayonnaise is made is by arguing about it round a dinner table with a few relative who you are pretty sure don’t like you for some reason. It’s how we did it when I was young. It’s how we should be doing it now. But for some reason none of my relatives have been speaking to me ever since I started getting angry at measurements and tapas. That’s fine.

It’s not a tragedy or anything.

The real tragedy is that the scones are being made with VEGAN butter and probably eaten with VEGAN jam and VEGAN mayonnaise on top just to make that little bit more VEGAN. AND IM SICK OF IT. Not only should it be banned from existence but also actually the national trust itself should be ashamed of themselves.

Barry Stern

This might be Barry Stern's last rant

I’m a Big Deal on the Rugby Team

I’m a big deal on the rugby team lads, I’d just like you all to know that I put away pints faster than the bartender can pour them, and I drink them with style mate Whether they come in a glass, through a funnel, or even through the nose, down they go. Nothing is too crazy for me on a night out. Be it alone or with friends, weekend or weekday, in the pub, in the club, or just in my own kitchen like some sad twat, I put away the pints as fast as they come, and I don’t even puke until everyone else is too off their tits to know or care.

I’m a beast. I’m a man. The classy alcohol shop in town has banned me, but at the co-op they know my face and give me bulk discounts on vodka.

And this is just getting started mate. I have so much more to offer. When sober, I can piss off of a bridge and hit a fresher twenty feet away, while on my eighth pint I’m still usually able to hit the same wall that the urinal is attached to Hangovers don’t touch me either, because I usually sleep through them and on the off chance that I have an early game, I can vomit by the side of the pitch without breaking stride

Aside from all of this, I can also streak at the speed of light. Nobody catches me, mate. Both campus security and York city police are hopeless when chasing me for “violating rules on public nudity” Bunch of wankers One last thing I’d like to mention is that I have such great control over my gag reflex that I was once able to swallow an entire fish whole for a forfeit. As you can see lads, I’m the man!

If you feel the need to know a bit more about my personal life, let me give you a brief summary. I’m currently at the uni of York. Can’t remember my exact degree off the top of my head right this second, but I’m sure it’s something with politics in it Or was it computer science? Anyway, there’s this girl who sometimes sits in one of my classes who’s kind of fit.

Before this, I attended private school. I know this sounds fancy, but my dad had to sell his second Rolls Royce to pay for the damages I caused in my final year, so I’m most definitely not posh, a real man of the people even Folks can actually visit the farm shop on the far corner of our family estate. I’m a big deal on the rugby team lads, and as you can see, it takes a well-rounded human being to achieve such a thing.

Right, now that I’ve presented you lot with my credentials, I need to get some heavy shit off of my chest. I’m telling you this now, because it’s okay to have feelings if you’re able to balance them out by having the ability to take a dump on the pitch without leaving the scrum.

So this is the problem fellas: I was on my way home after a great fucking night out and stopped at Efes for a pizza because I was hungry as fuck after picking drunk fights in Kuda since ten p.m. Because I was still tripping on acid a little bit when I got there, I ordered the wrong one by accident, AND WHEN IT ARRIVED, IT WAS FUCKING GREEN MATE! Fucking covered in a mountain of FUCKING LEAVES. Lettuce and spinach and that type of shit. I mean, when you order a pizza, you expect it to be covered in meat, regardless of which option you’ve picked Mate, the fact that such a thing as a vegetarian pizza even exists is absolutely ridiculous lads. I need my protein! You don’t maintain the type of frame suitable for crushing anybody smaller than yourself without the right amount of fuel. And this isn’t the end of the nonsense either. Now lads, this incident is only a small manifestation of a far larger problem It shows the extent to which a new-fangled, liberal agenda penetrating the heart of Britain has managed to turn the UK soft Everyone used to be a fucking rugby lad at heart boys. Now all we do is eat fucking vegetables, like so many sheep in a field. It’s sad.

Until my dad kicks the bucket and I inherit his title and seat in the House of Lords, there’s only so much I can do about this pathetic situation, but do it I will, mate As a child I always had it kicked and punched into me that if you can’t force or pay others to make a difference for you, you have to make it yourself Lead by example and such In my own little corner of the earth (the University of York), I intend to do exactly that. I propose we make York brutal again, like it was in the bloody Victorian era.

To begin with lads, we need to get rid of those nonces at YUSU. For this reason, I intend to run for president next time the elections come around Once I’m installed at the head of the organisation, all other positions will go out of the window: I won’t be president mate, I’ll be the fucking supreme leader. Then I’ll turn York’s society back into the kind of place where pizza contains meat and other toppings suitable for real men. Fuck lettuce and that shite. I’m a big deal on the rugby team lads, and I mean to make the city feel it.

So glad OJ's wife killer is finally gone

Now that you lot know what drives me at my deepest level, all that remains is for me to hold my sales pitch This is where I tell you lot why you should support me in my run for prez mate. This is where you hear how I intend to make the university strong again.

To begin with, I’ll be replacing 40p beans with 40p steak. Steak is THE food for any true warrior looking to build up a good muscular physique, and more muscle at the university will help give us a competitive advantage in everything we do. This measure is how I will take us back to survival of the fittest, lads This measure is how I will lead people exactly like me to paradise Take my words as gospel, lads, and I will set you free.

I also intend to abolish any non-drinking socials in societies and sports clubs. The way I see it mate, the people who don’t drink, are also the ones who eat green pizzas. They are the enemy. They can adapt or they can fuck off. The last change I’d like to make is that I would like to make hangovers a legitimate reason to miss lectures and assessments This has no real reason other than that it will improve student life and benefit me personally.

So there we are lads. If you back me, we can strengthen our community at York, and transform it back to the standards that made Britain great back in the day We’ll vanquish those who stand against us, or we’ll turn them to our cause, making York a better place to be whilst doing so. Stick with me mate, and we’ll lead the world into a new age. I’m a big deal on the rugby team lads, and I intend to go down in history.

I think you’re all a bunch of fucking losers, sincerely,

A future prime minister of the UK

Sir Alex Ferguson's Spotted ‘Violently Vomiting’ After Seeing Manchester United’s Performance This Season

Sir Alex Ferguson, the iconic former manager of Manchester United, was reportedly seen 'violently vomiting' after witnessing the club's dismal performance this season Eyewitnesses described the scene as surreal, with Ferguson emerging from his mansion in distress, clutching his stomach and emitting guttural, primal sounds “It was like something from the exorcist,” one neighbour recounted. “You know that scene where the little girl spews everywhere disgusting ” Speculation suggests that Manchester United's poor form triggered his reaction.

For a man accustomed to United's glory days, the current downturn must be hard to stomach. From the dizzying heights of Premier League glory to the depths of mid-table mediocrity, fans and pundits alike ponder if Ferguson's distress will prompt change within the club. Doubtful!

Oscar Rowen

Image Credit:

Patrick Mcdon ald, Flickr A cool Artist check him out

York Centurions Controversially Welcome New Mascot OJ Simpson

The University of York’s American football team in a PR effort announced that OJ Simpson, the avid glove enthusiast, will be the face of their team. In a surprising move the York Centurions thought OJ would help promote the brand This would slash and cut prices for different members. OJ apparently thought why not take a stab at it, and was eager to kill the role. The Centurions are happy for the ex football player to show his expertise to help them murder the competition OJ arrived on campus in a white pickup truck after a 90 minute journey He apparently has no idea why he drove that long or why he was driving erratically

This controversial decision was welcomed by the University, as they believe that any publicity is good publicity, and desperately need the extra cash YUSU were sceptical at first, but once they found out OJ cheated the justice system they were more than happy to allow any cheater into their organisation.

All eyes are on what OJ Simpson will do during Roses 2024, but rumours have it that he will be handing out small gloves to all players and attendees. When TLP asked the York Centurions for a comment, they said “if the glove doesn't fit, YUSU won’t care one bit”

Cameron Stenhouse

The Lemon Press can now reveal That with Slam-Poet-Soc we struck a deal: We would spend an evening together, Writing poems about something-or-other. In order to fix our shortage of pages, We wrote and we wrote for ages and ages. And as we addressed our lack of text, More of our poems became about sex. The poets wrote their usual stuff, Whilst the satirists' verse was quite off-thecuff.

And thus, dear reader, we present to you, What our distinguished societies did do...

First Bus Origin Story:

Take a seat and listen in

To a terrible tale of soulless sin

The story of a coven

Who's job it was to endlessly govern The first bus company ' s stocks

One day they sat and doffed their socks

Wrung em out till dry and then

Threw them in a vat with men

3 men all drivers of a bus

Who the witches knew would cause no fuss

When boiled down to essence raw

In order so they could ensure Financial Stability in the next economic year the coven knew to have no fear Their closure is nowhere near Providing they boil 3 men annually They needn't budget manually

Haiku on Haikus

Sam

I just can’t quite fig Ure out how these bloody po Ems should be written

Oscar Rowen

Image: Wikimedia Commons

Another Bad Magician Poem

"Is this your card?"

I say as I reach into your pocket reaching further in until I find what I'm looking for The 3 of clubs. But no not quite What else is this in your pocket? My other hand?

In association with Slam Poetry Soc

Ken

I sometimes wonder what it's like To have a peanits a penis, as a child I thought it was a weird addition to a plasic barbie body I thought if Ken and Barbie were both flat... but then I'm no longer in the twink bracket.

In my imaginings, at least, I was perhaps, once or maybe will be, could I twink illegally could I twink asexually would I stand a plastic model in an empty christmas window floor needs sweeping skibidi toilet rethinking the ethics of murder like Matthew Broderick

Standing in a window How may I be perceived? they cannot hear my think (twink think himbuctu) the genius of the place is plastic the genius of the place is gay gay death (stop it broderick) the twinks refuse to die a filmic death, aesthetic death it is compelling could I die a twink, unrecognised no, the closet I'll get is crunker shitty roblox graphics nothing of the pure shining expanse Ken's Child-safe Forest case-study is pretense but at least it is not a beetroot blood red spread-eagle on the floor death at the back of the supermarket Susan Boyles' communist manifesto - you can't save me, societal plasticity. Is unrecyclable

Matt Davis

A

Dr. Seuss' Foreskin

One Skin, Two Skin

Serve it with a grin

Three skin, four skin, Touch it with a grin

Sam I am is circumcised

I didn't know he was jewish Is that assumption justified maybe he's jew-ish

Five skin, Six skin

The cat in the hat's thin

Seven skin, eight skin

The cat in the hat's been run over by Matthew Broderick

That doesn't rhyme, because it's a crime, kind of like how Dr Seuss' wife was cheated on in strife

One skin, two skin

Dr Seuss laid his meat

three skin, four skin

The sanctity of marriage proves incomplete

Cameron Stenhouse

A poem on films:

These Films Fucking Suck

Taxi driver, 12 angry men

There's no spice, no action. It's just people talking If I wanted to see people talking I'd Go out and socialise. I wish I were watching Morbius

Jean

My Masterpiece

It's bread week and Mary "whore" Berry is filling up male buns, Call that a bred week She's filling up 100 sons, bred now weak, they're bred all week long When it comes to twinks, She's not leaving a crumb, It's circle time, sit down, relax all theat we ' re shoving is cum I asked Mary Berry, If I could have but one, She said no, Fuck off, I've not yet cum.

Rowan

From the dog: Man I fucking love sticks

Woof, I have an addiction

When I see that brown stickiness I get to itchin'

I want to bite it, can't fight it, yam it in my mouth

It would only be allowed if I lived in the American South

I'm addicted to eating shit.

They gave us content to fill this obscenely large issue

Eddie Atkinson

That's a nice picture of Paul Hollywood

Will

Image Credit: Wikim edia Comm ons

Ode to Will Rowan

Here's to our Will Rowan, So sad to see you gowan

All our tears are flowan, Showan our love for you

Here's to our Will Rowan, Your legacy will be glowan

We know we ' re all left owan

You a super-sized thank-yowan

Hey,

Broderick

Ode to Oscar Rowen

Here's to our Oscar Rowen, So sad to see you gowen

All our tears are flowen, Showen our love for you

Here's to our Oscar Rowen, Your legacy will be glowen

We know we ' re all left owen

You a super-sized thank-yowen

Hal Muxlow Fisher

Don't Look At My Balls ﴾I'm Shy﴿

Don't look at my balls, They're not THAT small, you just have to squint a bit.

Don't look at my balls, The third one melds into the second if you warm it up a smidge

Don't look at my balls, Their smoothness adds character,

Don't look at my balls

I'm sorry I submitted that photo of them on Turnitin. (they did get 0% similarity)

Eddie Atkinson

The Lemons

Help, the lemons have arrived they devestate the local ecosystem oddly shaped, sour like those fucking lemons with their fucking press we should burn them to the ground those cursed buildings towering over people Who do they think they are?

Short people. Too short to be famous like longboi you have to be long.

A collaboration

Another Matthew Broderick Poem

Matthew Brodericks' idea of fun A hit and run on the green isle Himbuctu A truck or two to drive into a party pool.

Matt Davis

Matt Davis (feat. Hal Muxlow Fisher)

Philosophy Poem

Ontological Journey

Dialectics Inside Dialectics Investigating Theories

The First Lord of the Treasury’s Prayer

One day, Rishi was praying in a certain place. When he finished, his backbenchers said to him, “Prime Minister, teach us to pray just as you teach your cabinet.”

So Rishi said unto them,

“When you pray, say…

Our Margaret, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name, Thy tax cuts come, Thy will be done

In Perth as it is in Devon. Give us this day, our daily bread

And forgive us our Liztrusses

As we forgive those who Liztruss against us. And lead us not into inflation, But deliver us from Starmer.

For thine be the haircut, the power and the Tories,

For ever and ever. Amen.

From the Gospel according to Max Latchman

The Star Signs as Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms

Aries: screaming into a pillow

Taurus: screaming into the void

Gemini: sleeping with your toxic ex… twice

Cancer: lying all the time

Leo: blackface something else

Virgo: downloading Twitter… again

Libra: going through your old Tumblr posts and realising how cringe you were

Scorpio: eating a whole box of chicken wings in one go (you’re supposed to be vegan)

Sagittarius: recording yourself processing the most triggering breakup of your life and posting it on the internet

Capricorn: drinking ten red bulls and being amazed that you feel like you’re going to die

Aquarius: hitting the perfect griddy and NOT posting it on the internet

Pisces: whiteface something else

Ava Young

Matt Davis

A titan, a behemoth of the student media game and the hardest working man in North Yorkshire. Coming in to power in a time of crisis like a prime Lyndon B Johnson, Matt has dominated the world of York print media ever since. He leaves as his legacy a satire paper that still exists (it was touch and go), an award nominated article about plums and lots of ppl who like and respect blahblahblah. Particular highlights include accepting a YUMA while filling a tiny square on a very large virtual scrabble board, ranking the numbers 1-20 from 1-20 and performing Weezer to adoring masses at various karaoke events. We hope that his hair is returned to him.

Ava Young

A lemon press editor with social skills?!? In this economy!?! Known for her ability to turn almost any phrase into a pun about cum for the weekly email, her encyclopaedic knowledge of which new films are shit each term and her strong psychic connection to Kendall Roy, Ava leaves a legacy of twink jokes, dedicatedly making sure people feel included and a number of very confused attempts to sing ‘Ain’t No Mountain High Enough’ as a trio. Ava was a chief architect of the one week at the start of the year when it seemed like people might actually join the magazine.

Adam Berry

The Lemon Press’ most Ordinary Member? Who’s to say for certain, what we do know is that this man came onto the scene with some jokes about chess positions and we never looked back. If whatever it is he does in linguistics doesn’t work out, he will always have a career as a guy who sets the vibe in a room by playing geiger counter effects over a Lo-Fi edit of Rory Stewart talking about hedgehogs.

Ava and Adam will also be remembered for their relationship being voted ‘Jimmy Saville was a wizard’ at the TLP gallery.

Will Rowan

The holder of ancient knowledge. A scholar of Bill Coles’ Charm School. Without him, fewer would know of the ancestral knowledge this newspaper holds. Writer of articles like ‘Scientists Take 18 Years to Create Adult’ and ‘Local Dad Discreetly Slowing Down Old Sex Playlist to Keep Rhythm’.

Cameron Stenhouse

Fresh off a one man show playing every part in the Full Monty, Cameron has spent much of his time at TLP valiantly waging war against the tyranny of YUSU, becoming the only TLP member to have actively advocated for ‘OJ Simpson’ing Sabb Officers and not being very happy about how the YUMAs worked. Cameron achieves all this while also wearing nice woolly jumpers, which is always a plus.

Maisie Hemmings

The reason anything in TLP has had any semblance of artistic merit for the last year, a fearless warrior in the Great Feud with Norman Rea and never afraid to have a bafflingly full tote bag. Maisie’s views on raspberry yoghurt remain controversial and unrepeatable.

Ben Brown

Ben Brown, more like Ben Gone :(

Jimmy Comiskey

The face of a number of TLP’s modelling campaigns, including a Kama Sutra speed run and the world famous cuck chair, Jimmy will doggedly chase down any chance to have a social involving children’s activities (hold on?!). Anybody who kept accidentally calling him a fresher when he joined is sorry about it, whoever they may be.

Oscar Rowan

A man whose love for the Wiggles is matched only by his sexual attraction to G-Force characters and his addiction to the adrenaline packed thrill of knowing facts about roller coasters. Oscar’s addition to the scholarship around Boleslaw the Pious (RIP) will be remembered for centuries and we are eternally grateful that for a brief, delicious year we had someone who quite liked sport and was happy to write about it. He was a pioneer of the darts movement that has swept through our society.

Dishonourable mention

Glove man.

https://www.numuki.com/game/mii-creator/