The Lemon Press - Issue 55

Editors' Introduction

Good morning, reader.

Are you ready for some freshly baked satire? It's come right out of the oven just for you and would you look at that, it's still warm. It will have you floating across the room towards it just by the smell of it as though you were a character in a Loony Tunes cartoon being lured towards some kind of trap. But this is no trap, what we have for you today is a gourmet meal of satirical nibbles and humorous delights.

And now for a preview, let's see what we have got inside for you; As an amuse bouche we have our campus section We start off with a Day in the life of a Student Satirist, where you get to see a little behind the scenes view of what it is like to be a student satirist and the sacrifices that we make so that we can deliver you some delicious content for you to consume After that you get some surprising updates and revelations about the new student centre as well as an in-depth analysis of male toilet habits, and much more

Our starter course is News and Politics, where we look into what Jeremy Corbyn has been getting up to lately, get some updates on upcoming Government policies, and see a potential leader of the Conservative Party throw their hat into the ring After that we head over to a tasting menu of Science and Tech, Lifestyle, and Arts which has many wonderful canape type nibbles of content for you to enjoy, too many different types for us to be able to describe to you here

We finally have our dessert course, the Sport section, small but rather lovely in it's own way All to be washed down with a lovely cocktail of Poetry and Horoscopes to leave you feeling satisfied.

Thank you for picking this up and I do hope this issue becomes your best friend in over the coming weeks.

Matt Davis, Editor Extraordinaire

Contents

Campus News & Politics

Lifestyle Science & Tech

pp 3‐10 pp 11‐14 pp 15‐16 pp 17‐18 pp 19‐22 pp 23‐27 pp 28 pp 29‐30

The Lemon Press Staff

Editor: Matt Davis

Deputy Editors: Caitlin Hyland & Cameron Stenhouse

Tertiary Editor: Dan Saxotweet

Sub Editors: Cameron Stenhouse, Ava Young, Eddie Atkinson

Campus Editors: Dan Saxotweet

News & Politics Editors: Eddie Atkinson

Lifestyle Editor: Niall McGenity

Science & Tech Editors: Hal Muxlow-Fisher

Arts Editors: Sophie Apps and Ava Young

Features Editors: Louie McVey and Adam Berry

Sports Editors: Niall McGenity

Poetry and Horoscope Editor: Cameron Stenhouse

Chief Illustrator: Niall McGenity (Front Cover and Various)

Illustrators: Dan Saxotweet (Back Cover, Inside Cover and Various), Matt Davis (Various), Cameron Stenhouse (Various), Adam Berry(Various), Ava Young(Various)

President: Will Rowan

Treasurer: Matt Davis

Secretary: Dan Saxotweet

Vice-President: Caitlin Hyland

Social Secretary: Ava Young

Ordinary Members: Adam Berry & Ben Brown

Contributors: Finn Russell, Marti Stelling, Vince the Vole, Simeon Jones, Will Rowan, Diana Rhea, A Silly Goose, Nouse writer #133, Lara Hagger

Here is a picture of myself below the Editor's note because both Vision and Nouse do it so why shouldn't we be able to here at the well-respected media group The Lemon Press

Contact the editors at: lemonpresseditors@yusu.org Contact the society at: lemonpress@yusu.org

Disclaimer: No facts or actual attributable quotations are published in this satirical magazine. Produced 27th February 2023.

Editor not unlocked

A Day in the Life of a Student Satirist

Have you ever wondered what goes on behind the scenes of this very magazine that you are holding in your hands so tenderly and lovingly? Ever wondered how we transmit satire and turn it into words for people to pick up and chuckle at? If you answered yes to either of those two questions then this is the place for you. You’ve heard of the Sigma Male Grindset now get ready to hear all about The Lemon Press Rindset.

6:30 am ­ 7:00 am ­ every day I wake up at 6:30 and get on campus to make sure that I am the funniest person awake there. Now this is helpful because it gives me confidence to write the first ten words that come to my head and rearrange them into headlines from there. The more garbled they start out the better they are by the time they are done. That’s how you get such genius as endangered houses and other great classic articles.

7:15 am ­ 8:00 am ­ I leave campus and go back home to make some breakfast. Whilst you may hear of people eating the same thing every day because it takes out one decision that you have to make that day, as a student satirist it is my job to eat the wildest food combinations possible. Like the fire making CO2 out of Oxygen and a carbon based fuel, I am forging satire in the white heat of unusual breakfast combinations. Sadly this means I spend most mornings annoyed because I have had to eat porridge with prawns and lettuce topped with some soy sauce, or some other equally terrifying combination. We all have to suffer for our art.

8:00 am ­ 8:30 am ­ I drink a cup of coffee with a caffeine level high enough to set my brain into an ultrafast gear (like the pills from limitless but I don’t buy coffee from the black market) this ensures I can write at a speed of 250 words per minute, a skill that comes in handy when you need to fill a few pages worth of content within 8 hours. If I don't think I have enough of a buzz I will scoop raw coffee beans into my mouth to get keep my brain running at maximum potential. The things we do for you, honestly.

8:30 am­9:30 am ­ it’s towards the end of the morning routine so it’s time to settle down into some more serious work. This is the bit where I pick up a copy of Nouse and circle every mistake I spot. Or if it is outside of the Nouse print cycle I will read through the weekly Sabb emails and find something to get angry about there, you see the key to good satire (not that we always follow it) is to find something you are passionate about and write out the passion in a humorous way so that people can learn something about the world they live in as well as find some joy in a magazine the they flick through from time to time.

Cum?

9:30 am ­10:am ­ REDACTED

12:00 pm ­ This is probably the most important part of my day. I lock myself in a room and pace about until I come up with 45 unique cum jokes that can go in the magazine. If I only manage to get 44 I receive a message from a ghost of Satire’s past asking if I need help to write the issue. We’d stop writing these jokes but everyone just loves them so much.

Image Credit Matt Davis

Image Credit Matt Davis

you kiss her goodnight i make her "teehee" we are not the same

12:00 pm­2:00 pm Every piece in the Lemon Press is entirely fictional, at the same time many of them are semi­autobiographical. You see, The Lemon Press is the best place to write through your problems in a lighthearted way that allows people to enjoy them. For example let's say you were worried about finding a student house next year and wanted a place to vent and haven’t learned how to destress in a comparatively healthy way, this would be a great place to get through some of that whilst poking some fun at the absurdity of it all at the same time. That’s why from the hours of 2 until 4 in the afternoon I ensure that I am stirring up some problems for future me to deal with later on, because then I am getting some new material for a later issue in line well ahead of schedule.

2:00 pm ­ 7:00 pm ­ Most of this time is spent resting or working on some side projects of mine such as going to a seminar for my degree or meeting some of my friends from outside student media. Even satirists have to take some time off making fun of the world around them.

7:00 pm ­ It’s time for a writing social, this is where we are all let out of our respective social lives to come together and spark off each other's genius ideas. Alone we work well but when the hivemind comes together we produce some of the satire you have ever seen.

11:00 pm ­ I go to sleep. I get news recordings from the last month into a playlist and put them together so my brain gets filled with ideas for potential satire that I can write in the next few weeks. This means that by the time I get up I am ready to start the day and do the whole routine again with the hopes of some fresh satire popping into my head as I wake up.

So there you have it, you have learned everything that goes into student satire, do you think you have what it takes? Sign up for membership!

Why not give this routine a go... tomorrow?

you really ate (read this page) and left no crumbs (giggled a little)

All The Things I Picked Up From Coating Myself in Glue and Rolling Around Campus Like a Ball in Katamari

Five lost freshers: You must be desperate when you ask a human bowling ball for directions but they struck gold here. I managed to mop them all up and roll them to their destination.

Derwent cubicle 3: We all have our needs. I just couldn’t hold it in any longer. The execution was rough, like Metamorphosis if Samsa woke up panicking in Derwent’s finest water closet. I may have left another hole in the Derwent loos but this is an excellent twist of fate as it means I’ve solved my toilet-based needs.

More glue: There must have been some kind of craft convention happening on campus. I’m now even more glued up and eager to accumulate.

Four tyres, a transmission, a V8 engine, and a competitive price: Wait a second, this was already constructed Drat

Respect for balls in the popular video game Katamari: When you’re a kid they don’t tell you just how hard it is to roll around all day picking up whatever you pass I’m approaching an older lady head on while giving her the ‘please move unless you want to become hopelessly attached to me’ look but I don’t think she gets it They never do She’s concerned She’s coming over Oh, good, now we’re stuck to one another

A hatred of gravel: Why is life so littered with pain? I just want to go into ball mode and pick up some cool stuff but before I know it I’m munching on gravel I hope I can pick up some plasters soon because lord does this sting

A dead old lady: This isn’t a new one, it was just we entered a ’til death do us part embrace a few hours ago and nature’s sandpaper has had its way with my octogenarian gran fan

Pneumonia, gout, freshers’ flu, a chest infection, a cold, an ear infection, and a sense of peace in life that I’d forgotten existed: Keep on rolling pal, nothing to see here

An understanding of how my formative experiences influence the references I can make and that actually I’m outside in the cold covered in glue because I think it’s funny and I haven’t really thought about what other people find funny for ages and I literally do not care: I picked this up too

The heady high of that moment in a coming of age film where they realise their future is unknown and that’s exciting but it’s stretching out to a lifetime before my eyes and I’m laughing as I roll by the physics block: I just met that local radioactive arachnophile and he’s sucked all the glue clean off me. Thank you for this experience. Back to the library.

Will Rowan

University Small Talk Tips Now that You’ve Run Out of Questions to Ask

It’s the end of second term, you have run out of all three questions you can ask someone you have recently met and still know nothing about. What more is there to ask other than what college someone is in, what course they do and where they are from? Do not fear, The Lemon Press is here to help you with some smalltalk tips to get you through the rest of Uni.

1 - Pretend that you have met with many famous people from films and TV shows (don’t be too specific unless pushed for an answer).

2 - Claim to be 3rd in line to the Danish Kingdom. No one’s going to check and it provides you with a reason for why you met so many famous people.

3 - Disagree with one of their answers on the first question, “ you don’t do computer science, what do you really study?”

4 - Claim to have short-term memory loss, now you can keep asking the same questions for the rest of University

Matt Davis

You and friends discussing the YUSU Elections

Wasps ‐ Where Are They Now?

Last term campus was awash with wasp week fever Or was that just fever? We all remember the inflatable wasp hovering over Central Hall, or the great wasp debate night at D-bar But now the festivities have subsided it is only right that we reflect on the wasp week legacy that was promised during the bidding process.

That inflatable wasp may have been filled with food to help starving children in California, but we can now reveal that it never made it to its intended destination. As for the D-bar debate, did you know that the university actually intended for the venue to be reusable? Unfortunately, few people did and following events have been sparsely attended suggesting a real white wasp.

Wanted: Somebody Who Can Tell Me What Happened

Help! I got drunk in Salvos during my Wednesday night sports social and blacked out The last thing I remember is entering the club After that everything is gone until I wake up two days later, naked, under a bridge in Glasgow, missing three toes on my left foot, and sporting a full back tattoo of a gorilla riding a unicorn All the girls on my course suddenly hate me, and the guys on the rugby team seem to have nicknamed me ‘the Doinkmaster’ , whatever the fuck that means

There’s a suitcase full of hundred-pound banknotes in my cupboard, and every night, at exactly 21:47, somebody starts pounding on my door as if trying to break into my room. I’ve started to hear voices and there’s another person living in my head.

All I need is for someone, anyone, to tell me what happened! I’m not sure I’ll be able to remain sane for too much longer otherwise. Please...

Finn Russell

New University Merch!

Gone are the days of college hoodies Gone are the days of trendy longboi sweatshirts Now the University shop ONLY offers ornate codpieces and ruffed shirts with intricate floor plans of the Minster printed on them This is part of the university’s ‘remembering Queen Elizabeth’ scheme, which may, MAY have got confused about which Elizabeth had died Also available are ‘I survived the Spanish Armada’ baseball caps

I personally will be making an effort to buy the ‘virgin queen’ apron which I feel really justifies some of the DEFINITELY PURPOSEFUL choices i’ve made in my life So, whether you are donning your smallpox scars or want to blame your terrible teeth on something other than the raging heroin addiction you had as a six year old, head on down to the YUSU clothing store now

Eddie Atkinson

Niall McGenity

University Dating Masterclass

Finding a suitable partner can be a daunting challenge, one not everybody feels they’re up to No matter how charming you (think you) are, it has enough ups and downs to make even the most sane person go crazy After my fair share of troubles, I was recently told by a girl I was on a date with that I was “about as attractive as a monstrous fucking hippo” Since, in hippopotamus society, a dominant male can attract a herd of over fifty females,

I can only conclude that this was meant as a very large complement (although strangely enough she left before we got back to my place). With these newfound credentials in hand, I have generously decided to share a few easy pick-up lines with you all, so that even those less fortunate than myself have a chance to give their next date a flying start.

1) I was recently told that I was as attractive as a monstrous hippo. Would you like me to charm you? University dating masterclass.

2) Did you know that the yeast cells which helped produce that beer you’re drinking can sometimes also be found in shit? That’s right, I’m full of cool facts like this! Mind if I come sit next to you?

3) Just so you know, I’m on my way to the bathroom. Feel like tagging along?

4) That guy sitting next to you looks like a real dick Wouldn’t you rather go out with me? ( ) No, I didn’t know he was the university karate champion, nor that he had a large anger problem Excuse me, I just realised I have urgent business to attend to on the other side of town

5) I would be willing to go out with you, if you’re willing to lower your standards

Finn Russell

Construction on New Student Centre Halts as God Confounds the Speech of the Workers

In a classic God move, the construction of a great tower has had to cease due to His fear of the power of man. The new University student centre began construction last month, much to the indifference of students across campus. Although, it would seem the big man upstairs is not so indifferent; in an act that mirrors the incidents surrounding the construction of the Tower of Babel, God has disrupted the linguistic unity of the workers, rendering them incapable of working together.

His visage was seen descending from the heavens at noon yesterday, burning brilliantly. Eyewitnesses claim that He pointed His mighty finger at the student centre and shot great bolts of lightning into its core structure, lighting up the workers with a strange glow. After the electric rubble cleared, the workers emerged, babbling in a variety of languages.

The University’s Christian Union has refused to comment and denies any involvement but have been quick to offer us flyers and try to coerce us into their tent They offered us a small popcorn if we allowed them to baptise us, an offer only a fool would turn down After our baptism, we were able to commune directly with God, but He too refused to comment

Adam Berry

University Solves Problem of Lost Key Cards

Every year, hundreds of freshers end up losing the key cards that give them access to the blocks they live in. While usually this means a new one has to be bought for £10, as of next term the university will start implementing a new, daring solution every time a key card is lost.

This brilliant move is a product of long collaboration between the engineering department and the Hull-York medical school and involves surgically implanting a chip into the neck of anybody stupid enough to lose their card.

This nifty gadget, which has already been embraced by several major politicians as a trial for wider use, has numerous useful functions, which include include being able to open doors, tracking the location of students and delivering electrical shocks of varying degrees of strength, so nobody ever zones out during a lecture anymore. They’re even able to suppress panic, through a sophisticated connection to the brain. This will really improve our experience when the university decides to double the tuition fees next year!

To demonstrate our enthusiastic support for the implementation of this fantastic plan, we request everyone to donate money to the “UoY chip fund” and to use #GoForTheChip on social media

Finn Russell

Duck Norris Arrested On Espionage Charges

There has been outrage across the country today over the revelation that the beloved mascot of Vanbrugh College, Duck Norris, is actually an animatronic operated by the Chinese state government for espionage purposes. Suspicions were raised following a bizarre incident last week when several men in black suits and sunglasses ambushed the traitorous purple duck outside the Market Square Nisa, before bundling it into the back of a van and driving off at speed down University Road.

The Prime Minister broke the news in a statement yesterday, saying that he ‘will not flinch in protecting this country’s national security’ , before ordering the immediate detention of all other mascots of universities, football clubs, and the Duracell Bunny, who was also arrested on charges of battery

The Home Secretary also gave a statement, saying that she was ‘shocked and saddened and lessons will be learned’ , before deploying a special operations team to a Brewster Bear’s Funhouse to pop all the balloons at a child’s birthday party, over fears the balloons could be hostile surveillance equipment A Vanbrugh resident told The Lemon Press earlier that ‘this shocking news about our beloved mascot has left many students feeling betrayed, heartbroken, and uncertain for the future of the college’s identity It has certainly ruffled a few feathers’

Hal Muxlow‐Fisher

New Student Centre Revealed to be Toys R Us

After filing bankruptcy in 2017, it’s been a hard time for Jeffrey and his helpers After various changes in plans, the new student centre has been revealed, and it’s a magical place In fact, we’re on our way there

Did you know Jeffrey the Giraffe had a first name? We didn’t Did you also know that he took a massive promotion after closing the doors of Toys R Us forever? We didn’t either [Look up the year Toys R Us closed down and the year we got our current ViceChancellor - Ed]

Charlie Jeffery doesn’t want to grow up, and we don’t blame him, because then he wouldn’t be a ‘Toys R Us kid’ With toys in the millions all under one roof, the £35 million student centre is the biggest toy store there is Soon after bedtime, Jeffrey (unlikely, we imagine) and helpers (students, minimum wage) stock up all the shelves:

Books, Board Games, and Bikes

Teddies, Puppets, and Dolls

Bats, Spaceships and Trikes

There's Millions says Jeffery

All under one roof

It's Called Toys'R'Us! Toys'R'Us! Toys'R'Us! Toys'R'Us!

Anyway, I miss Toys R Us and I would like the money I’m missing from strikes back please. I’m losing my mind.

Marti Stelling

Semesters Are Coming To York ‐ What Jeffery DOESN'T Want You To Know

" I really want to punch a goose in the face" Charlie Jeffery screams at me This was meant to be an interview about semesterisation. Instead, he is on the floor in front of me, weeping. "Sometimes I have thoughts that I cannot control! I always think about throwing my phone off the library bridge! I don't want to! But the impulse takes over! I rolled back self certifications on a whim because I was bored and horny and wanted someone to notice me, OK? "

" Then what about semesterisation? " I enquired.

" Oh, that? It's a reasonable idea that keeps us in line with most universities, there are some mistakes in implementation but the idea is solid " .

He's back up on his feet now. He's regained all posture. Just out of shot of my camera, a goose strolls in.

Dan ‘If I Spent Longer Than 5 Literal Minutes On This It Would Be A Good Article’ Saxotweet

Review of the Bins Behind Nisa by a Nouse Food Critic

In my illustrious 24 years as a food eater, I have never happened upon such a delectable sight. It’s the reflection of my prestigious food eating face in a shard of glass from a broken bottle in the bins behind Nisa Oh lord I’m in the right place

Onto to my date with my culinary treats I usually like to google the region of the restaurant at this stage and say something about the food’s provenance, but as I see my starter I lose control I’m salivating like one of father’s hounds On all fours, attacking a piece of meat I black out and wake up surrounding by darkness I’m drenched and there’s a bone in my hand that’s been licked clean What did it belong to? Who did it belong to? Father? Father no? I couldn’t have No no this isn’t seasoned with a hint of Dior, it must be bestial in nature Oh lor

No more time for wondering, my main must be getting cold It’s one of those special treats served on a roof tile Remember those? No? No Peter Kay fans in the bins tonight it seems I black out for five hours

Thankfully I get served by two delightful chaps as they help me up and ask if I’m okay They’re getting a tip!

Metal Box Appears On Campus, Finds Love With Exhibition Centre

Finally, true love has been found on campus This Valentines Day, a mysterious massive metal box appeared on campus Speculators speculated spectacularly that it could be a votewinning stunt by a YUSU Election Candidate But no! It was just a metal box that had been ordered for a research project

Things started heating up, however, when the Exhibition Centre laid eyes upon the glistening boxussy, and the big black cube lifted itself up and began vigorously thrusting on the metal box This scared the Physicists inside, who had never seen such love making before, so they pushed back on the box. This restraint just aroused the exhibition cube more, in minutes it had produced enough ejaculate to make the lake the biggest plastic bottomed lake in the world.

Dan Saxotweet

Is Charlie Jeffrey in the room with us right now?

Nouse Writer #133

Real bins behind Nisa may differ in size and messyness

Six Reasons Your Landlord is a Silly Billy

We can be a little goofy every now and then but landlords can be the silliest and goofiest of us all Here are six signs that your landlord is one sure as heck silly goofy guy!

Mushrooms start growing in your cupboard: When mushrooms start growing in your cupboard, that’s a clear sign that your Landlord might not be as serious as you might have once thought. Looks like dinner’s on them!

The bills stop getting paid: If you’re in a bills-included student property and you start to get red letters through the door saying that the energy company is coming soon to cut off your gas and electricity (uh-oh!) that’s a telltale sign that your landlord has been in a bit of a goofy mood lately.

Water starts to come through the ceiling: Picture this, you’re making scrambled eggs on toast when a trickle of water travels down your back, at first you think it’s sweat due to the high pressure situation of having to cook the eggs in just the right way, but it turns out to be your housemate having a shower and the water seeping through the ceiling. Yet another clear sign that your landlord might be just a little bit silly.

Passing management of the house onto someone else in between signing for the house and entering it: Woah! A different name to deal with and a whole different company and a confusing relation between the two How crazy!

Tying 23 million balloons to your house so that it floats away and you and a young boy-scout go on an incredible journey learning how to love life again, only for you to float back to the original plot of your house to find that it has been replaced by a worse looking house with an even higher rent than before

Turning up to your house to say hello: This would be a sign of a landlord in a very silly mood if it ever happened

Matt Davis

UoY Biology Department condemned for ‘Neckstretcher 3000’ ™

Part time Vice-Chancllor, part time Messiah Charlie Jefferies has taken to Twitter to condemn the University’s Biology department – recently found to have been developing a machine to ‘stretch necks’ .

While higher-ups assure the public that the developments were undertaken simply to ‘improve their throat game’ , there are conspiracy theories abound that the scheme goes much higher up. It's been suggested that the work is related to contingency plans for any event (god forbid) that could lead to Long Boi’s inability to continue his service, planning for seamless transition to other long-necked aquatic fowl

Proposed replacements include ‘gangly goose’ , ‘BIG’ and ‘Brobdingnagian Black-Necked Grebe’ (thanks to the good people at Thesaurus com) Questions have also been raised over whether these replacements are being used to undermine Long Boi’s position in recent employment rights disputes, but the UoY management team refused to comment Whatever the truth may be, it is clear that ‘neck science’ , and the ethical quandaries it brings, are here to stay

Eddie Atkinson

‘Save D‐Bar’ Campaign Announce New Action to ‘Return the Bar to Its Former Glory﴾Hole﴿'

It is the final days of D-bar, generations of corruption and decadence have left this once proud student bar weak and undefended. When whisperings of a Novel Coronavirus began to circle, its capitulation was swift and thorough.

Eventually, however, the airborne hordes were driven back and among the survivors a dream began to brew: that D-bar could be returned to its former glory. But now, two pretender Activities Officers have failed to deliver on this promise and D-bar remains a shadow of its former self, fading in the dying of the light

In this power vacuum a new force is rising A group of zesty cultists believe that they alone know the truth of D-bar's founding, and that only with this truth can its true glory might be restored And so, they have left a message for the masses: "go to the 3rd cubicle in the D-bar men ' s toilets, and there you will learn the hole, glorious, truth "

Niall McGenity

"Valentines season may be long past by now but why not send some silly goofy love to your silly goofy landlord anyway, I'm sure they'll appreciate it"

A Silly Goose

I happen to be really good at my job

An Evaluation of Male Toilet Habits

While usually The Lemon Press is a satirical magazine, I have decided to get somewhat scientific for once, and supply the answer to one of life’s greatest mysteries: “Why do urinal users always make such a bloody fucking mess?”

To conduct this daunting, complex piece of research, our team gathered data by placing hidden cameras and microphones in the male toilets in several on-campus locations, as well as in some city-centre establishments. Amongst numerous highly disturbing results, which will not be outlined here, several problematic groups of urinal users have been identified, who contribute to the mess more than average.

First and foremost, we have the group we have collectively labelled ‘shy urinal users’ , or SUUs. SUUs are defined by the fact that they always press themselves as closely into the corner as they can, to avoid providing anyone with a... side view. Our research suggests the frequency of this behaviour is directly correlated with size.

Next, we have those in possession of an exceptionally powerful stream. These people often seem to view a bathroom emergency as an excellent opportunity for some target practice, leading them to stand at least half a metre away from the urinal, and often as far away as the other side of the bathroom! To make things worse, these long-range pissers sometimes feel the need to outcompete each other, which, in the more competitive cases, can lead to horrible forms of ‘biological warfare ’

Another problematic group is made up of those men who seem to think being able to piss into a urinal is some kind of significant masculine achievement This mentality results in various forms of showmanship which, if we’re brutally honest with ourselves, the world would be better off without Common examples range from swaggering up to the stall, to sound effects normally accompanied by the lifting of something very, very heavy Also present were a number of guys who felt the need to drop their trousers just a tiny bit too far We feel words are wasted here, so we decline to provide further comment Perhaps the largest source of bathroom uncleanliness was a group we will refer to as ‘those dicks who can’t seem to get it through their fucking brains that the urine goes in the toilet bowl, not next to it’ While this can give the bathroom floor a lovely shine that no amount of polish can hope to accomplish, the drawbacks outweigh this benefit many times

We are curious:

While it may come as no surprise, since The Lemon Press is the place where all the talented, up-and-coming young journalistic minds of the 21st century congregate, yes we are curious! We’re always looking to expand our intellectual horizons and broaden our knowledge For this reason, we want you! In order to continue the intriguing thread of inquiry outlined above, we’d like to request information! This can be anything from daily routines to favourite moves! Spreadsheets and graphs are welcome, photographs are strongly discouraged

Get in contact at research@thelemonpress org, to help us with our research (looks great on any CV)!

“Fax For Fairfax” Scheme Launched Then Immediately Cancelled

Finn Russell

It has been announced that a stash of old and unloved fax machines found in an understairs cupboard in Heslington Hall will be donated to residents of Fairfax House, as part of the University’s new “Fax for Fairfax” scheme It is hoped that the initiative will help ween the residents into the world of modern technology, as it was feared living in the ramshackle Victorian building had actually turned some residents into Victorians

A University spokesperson told The Lemon Press “this scheme is revolutionary and will help bring Fairfax House closer to the Twenty First Century, by bringing it into the Twentieth Century This supports our green aims as a university by ensuring electronic waste is reduced by reusing these machines”

An upgrade of Fairfax House to Twenty First Century standards had been hotly anticipated, but the University’s current proposals have “fallen short” according to one non-Victorian resident “We were told we would be getting new windows, which we felt would be a long overdue replacement to the single-glazed broken frames we currently have, but we were instead dealt the bitter disappointment of an upgrade from Windows 95 to Windows 98 This is hardly a consolation when we don’t even have a desktop computer in the common room to run it ” In response, the university has since withdrawn the proposals altogether, replying to our request for comment by simply stating “ no fax given”

Hal Muxlow‐Fisher

Mr Speaker: Boris you have the floor.

"dont ask, dont tell" about what you read in tlp

Parliament's Anti‐A‐Woke‐ning

Boris: MP’s unclog your waxy, hairy earholes, I have some Earl Grey tea to spill!

Rishi Sunak: If it’s not to do with how to get red peppers at Waitrose again, then I don’t care.

Boris: You little wanker. You don’t give a flying fuck about anyone in this country. But I do. I have climbed out of this party’s pooey butt crack and have realised some things - many thanks to looking after my estranged kids, as their mothers couldn’t afford child-care due to the cost of living crisis. A separate issue, for another time. Now, I am aware that this isn’t a Catholic church, but I have a confession to make: I like women who have jobs It is only right -

Mr Speaker: OUTRAGE

!!!!!!!!!

Derek von Bisjerk: Women belong in maternity wards or sucking on my dick! [winks at Female MP]

Female MP: I should be making babies, not policies Fuck gender equality!

Boris: Calm your tits, whether milked or unmilked, women deserve the same rights as any Black, Asian or Ethnic minority These however aren’t mutually ex-

Derek von Bisjerk: I believe BAME actually stands for [clears throat to speak like Barney the Dinosaur] Bring All Men Erections

Rishi Sunak: Now, that’s equality Let’s take it to a vote

Mr Speaker: All those in favour of reinstating the definition of BAME to ‘Bring All Men Erections’ say “ aye” [23 minutes later…] And all those opposed say “ nay” [17 minutes later]. I think the Ayes have it. The Ayes have it!

Jeremy Corbyn Starts New Party: The Birthday Party

Boris: Will ‘Bringing All Men Erections’ be inclusive of trans men or intersex people?

Rishi: Theoretically yes, but practically, no. British mothers have banned education on LGBTQ+ things, so it would be harder.

Lord Goosefat: The mothers would also like to see the banning of all education for girls past the age of fourteen unless they intend to study the following curriculum: “How to Make Your Future Husband Cum” , “Learning Your Fate: Marriage or Death” , “How to Not Fuck Women If You’re Gay” and my personal favourite, “Ways to Chop Your Breasts Off in Case You Become a Christian Saint” .

Female MP 3 (Liz ‘Bigbust’ Truss): [nodding head]

Rishi: Speaker, table this issue for now. Lord Goosefat and I will debate this while BAMEing each other tomorrow morning.

Boris: Woo gay love!

Lord Goosefat: Do not speak such blasphemy in this house you woke, Gen-Z wannabe!

Boris: [in-tune with Spice Girls] If you wanna be my gay lover, you have to be my friend I don’t BAME with anyone, and your homophobia has to end I mean, doesn’t anyone sitting here today support Elton John?

Rishi: Elton isn’t gay, he just likes rainbows and accidentally got aids from a blood test

Mr Speaker: True story

Boris: He’s GAY

Rishi: Isn’t it wrong to assume people’s sexual and gender identities these days? You de-woked little shit

The marrow growing Maoist of North Islington was seen at a clandestine gathering last night Our top political journalists believe that this was the foundation of a dangerous new political party. The working people of Britain will be quaking in their Vauxhall Corsas knowing that this soup kitchen supporting Stalinist is looking to make a political comeback. But what will this new party be called? Judging by a banner strung across the door, featuring a rainbow of radical colours, it will be known as the Birthday Party. What this means has yet to be confirmed but it could be a reference to Britain's rebirth in the flames of revolution. Keep following for more.

Niall McGenity

Sophie Apps

World's Longest Running Conga Line Tragically Endangered

Due to an increasing tempo of music at nightclubs the world’s longest running Conga line is tragically endangered as its members have been struggling to keep pace

The world’s longest running Conga line has been continuously moving since 1989 Its returning members that make up the bulk of the line have in recent times been struggling to maintain the speed that is needed in a Conga line of the modern era

In addition to this there has been a lack of interest from younger people in joining the world’s longest running Conga line due to it no longer being a dance that people do

So, what can you do to help? Join a local Conga line and do a Conga dance when you are next out in a nightclub near you, it’s for the good of a long lasting tradition

Matt Davis

Fat Kid From UP! ﴾2009﴿ Arrested for Flying the Chinese Spy Balloons

Can’t remember his name for the life of me. The film was good, and I remember the goofy little dog. Kevin maybe? Nono, that's the bird. Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, they got him. After spending years fighting the USA in Vietnam as the supplier of the Ho Chi Minh trail (pictured below) he was back in full force making the US Air Force look like fools.

He showed no remorse while being arrested, and even threatened to do it again, that he’ll fly several more balloons over US airspace until they “get their money up not their funny up” The White House press secretary gave a statement saying “fuck dem kids” and the old man was swiftly shot for treason

On a side note, the ending of the film shows the house chilling on the side of the waterfall I get it's like a metaphor for the old guy letting go or something, but where does he live afterwards?

RUSSEL! His name was Russel

Cameron Stenhouse

Archie the Inventor Under Investigation For Disappearance of Josie Jump

What's the story in Balamory, wouldn’t you like to know? Murder. Murder is the story in Balamory. Prime suspect in the investigation of the disappearance of Josie Jump is Archie the Inventor, rumoured to be planning to use her and multiple others to aid in his obsessive thirst for the ability to create life without needing someone to love him, in turn creating Archibald’s monster He told this reporter, “I won’t stop until the colourful terraces of Balamory are painted crimson red with the blood of my enemies ” Officials are unsure whether he’s guilty After recent pressure from Twitter users over the BBC’s impartiality, CBeebies have promised to show every grisly detail without warning

Eddie Atkinson

Number of TLP Editors HALVED Since Rishi Sunak Came To Office

In amazing news for our beloved English Conservative Party, Prime Minister Rishi Sunak has HALVED the number of editors in The Lemon Press! After Boris Johnson freed us of Lib Dem beauracrats, England has been waiting for a new hero to finally save this respectable news magazine And lo, by pointing out clocks (a great English invention) exist, Rishi 'Gazza' Sunak has put the final nail in The LEUmon Press' coffin

When asked for comment, renowned white man Matt Davis said "get out of my house, please don't use anything that requires bills".

Dan Saxotweet

Mr Blobby makes an early bid to be Conservative Party leader

The last few years have been tumultuous for the Conservative party, having gone through multiple prime ministers within the last year alone. However, their suffering may soon end as a new challenger has appeared to stake their claim at their premiership. Mr Blobby, feared war criminal and former TV sensation, has thrown his non-existent hat into the ring for Tory leadership in preparation for whenever whoever it currently is either resigns or is ousted.

Mr Blobby comes from a long line of politicians and public figures, having descended from many past conservative prime ministers such as Winston Churchill It also appears Blobby inherited his ancestor’s dislike of poor people and minorities as evidenced by the incident of 2009 where Mr Blobby set a homeless man on fire in central London Whilst no charges were ever brought against him, many think this fact makes him a liability however some sources close to the heart of the Conservative party say this has only made him more respected amongst the real part of the nation (rich people)

Mr Blobby has shared with the Lemon Press a couple of his plans if he were to become the next prime minister of the United Kingdom:

1 Place all asylum-seekers into new accommodation comprised entirely of bouncy castles

2 Increase rent for struggling single mothers who have 3 jobs only, everyone else is spared

3 Create a new transport network comprised entirely of bendy buses all designed to look like large toad in the holes as a nod to British culture

4 Make Charlie Jeffries pay damages for what he did in Crinkley Bottom in 1996 (he knows what he did)

5 Move the official residence from 10 Downing Street to Dunblobbin, pictured below

6 Bring back true British industry by sending kids back down the coal mines to “whip them into shape” and “give them proper employment opportunities”

Whilst he may have started out as a TV hit, Mr Blobby seeks to create a legacy the likes of which willstand the test of time

Pupils in UK to have to study Stately Home Maintenance until 53

Alongside measures to forcefeed maths to 18 year olds across the UK, Jacob Reese-Mogg has proposed similar expansion in the field of Mansionomics: ‘I’ve done extensive research into the cost of living crisis and have found that much of the public’s problems could be solved by simple cost cutting measures’ When pushed for further information, J-Diddle suggested many people simply didn’t know that reducing your staff by 10% could see a 25% reduction in maintenance costs (if you stop feeding them) Jake the Dawg also told us that by discouraging heavily choreographed musical numbers, members of the public could reduce the amount paid to cheery cockney chimney sweeps by 47% Also buy a new kettle

Moggan Thee Stallion’s final word of advice to the British public was that a quick whisper your wife’s boyfriend' ear could see a more than 40% drop in essentials like Eton fees or ear-plugs, bought to block out the screaming of the gremlin in the cupboard Whether its a manifestation of the unbearable guilt you’ve repressed in your quest for power or the product of an illfated Bullingdon Club dalliance with a pig Reese-k analysis knows you can’t get that oinking out of your head and he wants to help you through it with compulsory tax-funded landmanagement training from nursery to the moment you realise you’ll never again feel the touch of someone who loves you.

Eddie Atkinson

Government to Set Fire to One House in Every Neighbourhood to Keep House Prices Low

In an effort to keep more than one voter younger than the age of 35 in favour of the Conservative party, the new Housing Minister (yes, another one) has introduced a policy proposal whereby one house in every neighbourhood will have a house fire. They have argued that this will keep house prices low because fewer people will want to live in a neighbourhood that has a higher risk of a house fire.

Keir Starmer has said that this would be a good plan but that the Labour Party would set fire to two houses in every neighbourhood putting emphasis on houses in Central London

Louie McVey

Government announces Levelling Up Scheme Funding will now be based on ‘XP’ and ‘dailychallenges’

After complaints that the levelling up scheme had in fact focussed largely on Southern spending, the government has announced that after independent review they will be following the example of other successful world powers Mushroom Kingdom, Wii Sports Resort and the-one-from-Skyrim to focussing on awarding level ups based on ‘grinding XP farms’

Margaret Thatcher’s reanimated corpse, who fronted the campaign, felt it necessary to clarify that to keep things fair, anywhere North of Luton would start ten levels behind to ‘give them a chance to feel like they were really getting somewhere’

The frequently refreshed ‘Daily Challenges’ will include pulling off gnarly croquet trick shots, shopping at Waitrose and, most importantly, voting for the Tory Party VOTE FOR THE TORY PARTY TO GET MORE FUNDING ALLOCATED TO YOUR SPECIFIC COUNCIL will be written in Simlish on various marketing boards. Local councils will also be given the option to purchase the ‘fiscal battle-pass’ , with additional items available such as nurses, schools and all new skins! (we asked government representatives whether this meant whimsical costumes or actual human skin in a bag but they refused to comment).

Eddie Atkinson

Venice On Ouse ‐ York's Plan To Become Like Venice

Alright lads, Vince The Vole here, and do you know what I fucking love, like? WATER! Ever since I got onto the York County Council through being a Vole Alderman, I have always dreamed of turning this shit hole of a city into the city I love more than any other - Venice.

I nibble through sand banks. I leave my light on when I leave the house. I will do anything to make the sea level rise, to make this horrid city more Vole Friendly. Once a year it works, but soon York will be Venice-pilled all year long. Why? Because I've clogged all the toilets!

That's right, Venice is actually incredibly polluted, so I have stuffed copies of Nouse down every single loo on campus to make sure every part of campus is like Venice. Finally the uni can justify the prices!

Sections of HS2 to be “replaced by canal boats”

As the Government came under increasing pressure over how h ill k HS2 under budget, Sunak revealed government e sections of the rail network with a canal n the Victorian model.

hese plans Sunak has said that “ we should rely made Britain great in the first place. Old built with Victorian values!” Presumably this hildren come close to starvation to the point me thieves (but in a quaint and marketable way, y) To ensure that it still lives up to the name of ts will be use the canal system

Greggs Workers Reveal What’s Inside the 'Vegan steak bake'

“Well it’s mostly made of mushroom-based compounds similar to other vegetarian substitutes but the way we get the right salty flavour is cum ” An anonymous worker from Greggs said Greg Jackson, a man we found on the street for the specific purposes of asking him his opinions on things he is likely to get angry about had this to say, "I don't care if they are putting cum in it, the issue is it's VEGAN I will eat anything else that comes from that shop but not that vegan stuff! I hate everything vegan!"

Matt Davis

When we reached out to a spokesperson from the train focused think tank ‘Institute for Railway Research’ they had this to say, “I mean it likely will lead to okay connectionz of northern towns to each other and the south because of the many canals and waterways How do you think I feel, I spent my whole life being a fan of trains and for what!? Only for the largest train infrastructure project in the UK in my lifetime to be replaced by boats! Do you think I would’ve joined the Institute for Railway Research if I liked boats? No I like trains I don’t think it's too much to ask to have more trains in the country that go really fast ”

Matt Davis

Vince The Vole

Keeping Fit in Student Accommodation – A Bodybuilder’s Guide

When I’m walking through campus people often stop me to ask how I maintain my enormous frame, generally I tell them to fuck off and swat them away like the flies that they are, but today I thought I would share a few of the simple tips that keep me in tip top condition

1. Break your lift: lifts are the devil’s yo-yo, destroy them, kill them with fire. I put ‘ your’ in the title of this one but that was a lie, break every lift, take the stairs. In fact, stairs are too easy – attack any staircase you see with a hatchet; climb up the wall like spiderman or live in a bungalow.

2. Maintain a consistent diet of low-enriched uranium: Many people make the mistake of thinking they can improve their core through repetitive exercise and training – this simply will not do. Any nuclear power-plant technician will tell you that consistent harmful radiation and boiling water are must-haves to maintain any core. On top of this, uranium contains 18 million calories per gram – perfect for bulking season!

3. Assert social dominance: By far the most important aspect of my 4 step (remember no actual steps) plan is to make sure you POST ABOUT IT. Absolutely no one you’ve ever met should be in any doubt that you are exercising, and you are therefore better than them. In all ways. You breathe better, you dance better, and you probably have a better credit score, and they need to know. Vast amounts of my own bulking success is down to drinking the tears of childhood friends as pre-workout.

4. Do twenty sit-ups every time someone you love leaves you for good: if you’ve followed all my previous steps (and maintained a steady stream of self-obsession throughout), it’s likely that the bulk of your workouts can be planned out in this way. I personally supplemented this with my innate unlovability and crippling self-esteem issues, but this is a beginner’s guide and those steps are more intermediate – requiring more time, experience and traumatic childhood events involving Mr Blobby, an egotistical Zebra and the Catholic Church

So there you have it, please let me be your social guru, I promise I’m big and scary and alpha I really, really promise

How going 'Gorilla mode' Saved My Marriage

We’d been having struggles for quite some time and we were running out of options. Stuck in a rut we had to do something or our marriage could come to a halt.

It was back in June this year, we were sitting on the sofa watching Planet of the Apes when I was reminded of a few techniques I had read about, collectively known as Gorilla mode A way of life that promotes confidence and being absolutely feral, to free yourself from the shackles of society and do whatever you want (so long as you are dressed as a gorilla)

Something about it saved our marriage It might have been my wife’s love of bigfoot roleplay or the confidence that I gained through publicly masturbating, either way it reignited the spark that we had lost over the years

Thank you Gorilla mode! You’ve done it again

Now all I have to worry about is my public indecency court order

Simeon “simian” Jones

Eddie Atkinson

5 student side hustles that could earn YOU an extra £50 a month – one even involves watching Netflix!

Become a Student Night promoter: pressure your friends into buying platinum cards and getting CHEAP DEALS on club nights. Who cares if you lose friends – no one made it to £50 pound a month without making a few enemies!

Selling your old clothes: that’s right, if you sell enough of your old clothes on second-hand clothes apps you could make a little bit of money off things you don’t need anymore

Get people to sponsor you for a run and tell them to donate to a charity through a website that you set up with the transaction fee going to your bank account

Watching Netflix and sending reviews to unsuspecting people with a little note attached saying they will receive 1000 more unless they give you £50 a month

Selling feet pics It’s worth a shot, right?

Matt Davis

How to Be a Ghost:

1 Don’t go to bed Instead, wander your house and make a swooshing sound as you pass corners For added points, make shadows in front of your housemates window so that they think they’ve seen a ghost Then reassure them that it was just a shadow and that ghosts don’t exist Then make that whooshing sound again and convince them otherwise If the circle continues enough times, they forget that they ever had a housemate and go on a date with a ghost.

2. Cook fragrant meals in the middle of the night and if anybody bumps into you, tell them that you’re a ghost and that they can’t actually see you. Make sure to have a backup story of your whereabouts that night to prove that it wasn’t you. This works better on drunk people.

3. Wear loose fitting, white clothing. Sure, this one is a stereotype, but sometimes looking the part really helps you to get in the zone.

4. Practise your “boo” . Try working it into everyday conversation. Instead of a Zoom Booth, it’s a Zoom Booooooooth. You’re having a booooooogie. Those are some nice boooooobs.

5. Make some gamer friends. It’s common knowledge that ghosts are best friends with zombies, and who better impersonates a zombie than a dude wearing a Zelda T-shirt?

6. Have a cold personality. If somebody meets you for the first time, they should feel a chill in the air, almost as if they’ve stepped through a ghost…or have they?

7. Hang around graveyards, abandoned buildings, and hospitals. They’re great places to meet new people, if nothing else.

8. Have some good ghost-related jokes up your sleeve so that you can deliver them and stare the recipient directly in the eye with a stern face when laugh and tell them that it’s not funny.

9. There is no number 9

10. Get sick. You know when somebody says “ you’re white as a ghost”? Or they tell you that you “look really ill”? That’s what you’re aiming for. You want to embody sickness in all its glory.

I hope you enjoyed this guide. For more videos like this, follow my YouTube, “ghoulishlygoodguides” . Next week, learn how to crochet a pumpkin

Marti Stelling

How To Get Out of Awkward Social Situations

I’ve been in situations, you’ve been in situations I’m a cool person, you’re a person Sometimes you just want to excuse yourself and I do too. That’s why I’ve put together several of my tried and tested methods to reducing the social pressure in a room.

Shit yourself: Okay, hear me out. Just go up to the oldest person in the room and ask them where the bathroom is. They’re old so they’ll know. Now tragically don’t manage to make it to the bathroom as you turn to the most beautiful man in the room and immediately burst your bowel pipes all over the new rug.

Dumptruck on manoeuvres: Humans have butts and if you curl your finger up it can make the vaguest resemblance to one. That should be your reminder of what to do when you find yourself in a social predicament. Exclaim ‘IT’S A BIT WARM IN HERE’ to the room and then release it all like a malfunctioning bin van.

Exit level: This is your bread and butter, swallowed 24 hours ago and now feeling hollow kind of content. If you’re wanting to leave but not sure how then hit that poop button and splatter the walls.

Pooping in the Dark: Springsteen had some zingers in his time and left both concerts and cubicles steaming. Turn off the lights while screaming ‘POWER CUT, POWER CUT, EVERYONE UNDER THE TABLES’ and let rip. Do this during your evening engagements.

Scream and shout cos it slips right out: Oh yeah, get that right out of you. Is there more to go around? I sure hope so. Pass the poop parcel. We all know that feeling as it slips out and you just blurt out ‘I love you’ in a motorway service station on the M25 while Ronnie a recently divorced plumber who has always thought that maybe he’d have preferred Dave to Debbie sings ‘I love you too’ right back at you as your long logs break the surface water tension of the bowl at the exact same time sending a shiver down your spine We all know that And you now know how to reduce social water tension

And you’re back in the room You better act quickly, it’s getting awkward around here

Diana Rhea

may be mid but we are free

An Interview with My Microwave

I am early when I knock gently on the door The door slowly swings open, glass smoky from years of use, and a voice coughs out, “Whatyouwant?” I have to say that I am taken aback, perhaps even slightly scared, but I power on.

ME: “Hi, I’m here for the interview?”

MICROWAVE: “Oh. Yeah. Take a seat.” Smoke billows, I’m not quite sure from where. “You’re with that council?”

ME: “I am not with any council, I just wanted to hear your opinion on the throwing out of ancient kitchen appliances.”

MICROWAVE: … They offer no comment. A small fire starts on the glass plate

ME: “Right! Well! Not saying that you’re ancient of course!” At this point, I genuinely fear for my life. It will not be the first time in this five minute interview. “I was just wondering, do you have a retirement plan?”

MICROWAVE: “A retirement plan?” They break off, wheezing until a curious ding sounds “Oh no, lass, no retirement plan for me I’ll be working when I’m dead, that’s for sure ”

I am unsure what this means, but they seem to be glowing red ever so slightly so I don’t ask any follow-up questions, changing to a different line of questioning

ME: “Tell me about your style, the cameras must love you!”

MICROWAVE: “It’s vintage, you see ” They cough, sending a shower of rusty fragments in my direction I try not to breathe them in “Classic, sleek Dial me up and it’s all over in a few seconds ” I am unsure as to whether this is a good thing

MICROWAVE: “These young people nowadays, so concerned with laws and safety Where’s the paint? Where’s the danger? That’s what I wanna know How else are folks supposed to keep on their toes?”

ME: “I see And, um, that’s pretty much it for the interview, d’you mind if I head out now?”

They continue ranting and suddenly offer to make me a cup of tea, but I decline. A fire starts and I run.

I’d rather be dead than drink tea made in a microwave.

I Got My Cock Sucked By A Radioactive Spider And I Turned Into Blowjob‐man

Yup, you heard me. That spindly little uranium-arachnid gobbled on my nobble til I fell to my knees and thanked God I was born with a penis. I thanked my new daddy long legs and returned, limping, to my uni accommodation. I collapsed onto my bed and began to feel uneasy; I knew then that I was beginning to morph into a superhero Unbeknownst to me, the transformations happening inside me were not the beginnings of my Spiderman metamorphosis but rather the beginnings of my transformation into Blowjob-man I passed out When I came to, I found I no longer needed my prescription glasses and that my lips, now twice as thick and just as slippery, now stuck to everything they touched I was overjoyed I went into a fellatio-frenzy; I left no cock unsucked This lasted for months; I sucked the sons out of any consenting adult I could find [please God I don’t want to write this anymore I am in physical pain]

Adam Berry

Lara Hagger

Would you like eggs with that?

UAE Announces a New City That Will Be in the Shape of the President’s Face

Recent news has surfaced that the President of the United Arab Emirates, Mohammed bin Zayed Al Nahyan, has announced that he has plans for a city that will be in the shape of his own face. After hearing about other projects such as The Line (a planned city in Saudi Arabia that will take the form of a long line), the President of the UAE wanted to build a superior egocentric city, glossed with the ideals of a cyberpunk utopia. The city is rumoured to function with incredibly poor town planning and electrical vehicle solutions. For example, everyone will get a pod that will hook itself onto long rails above the city, each pod will be autonomous so that the maximum number of traffic jams can be ensured. The future has all of the downsides of cars and none of the upsides, when a decent bus or tram network would suffice to help. The sewage system will rely on immediate incineration and then vacuuming the carbon dioxide into space to ensure that it remains a net zero carbon city. This will make it even less efficient than Dubai, which does not even have a fully functioning sewage system and has to rely on sewage trucks

Matt Davis

World's First ‘Metaverse’ Divorce

Over the last couple of months, marriages in the Metaverse have become increasingly common as people thought it would be a way to have their dream wedding and a blissful marriage after that. However, it has not all been sunshine and rainbows, as Sally and Jim have found, trying to hold down a marriage in the Metaverse is not as easy as you might think.

When asked about her experience of Metaverse Marriage, Sally Stones said “I thought it would be a dream come true but I started to see less and less of my husband due to the WiFi connection speed on his end” .

Jim Stoat had this to say, “At first we thought it would be beneficial to stay together for our computer generated children, but we were making their artificial lives worse by trying to stay together” .

Matt Davis

War Thunder Players ‘Not on a Watchlist’ for Leaking Military Documents says CIA

At the beginning of this year, some ‘War Thunder’ players got into an argument and undermined US national security through leaking classified military files Since then it has been rumoured that all ‘War Thunder’ players were on a CIA watchlist The CIA reached out to The Lemon Press to assure everyone that these gamers are not on a watchlist for this reason

When asked if they were for any other reason the spokesperson declined to comment

Matt Davis

Matt Ward­Hancock

Indie Musician Shocks Fans and Xi Jinping With Crazy New Song

Indie musician ‘Sam Fender’ has shocked both his fans and leader of the People's Republic of China Xi Jinping after releasing his crazy new song called ‘Glory to the People's Republic’ .

This shocked his fans who had previously only known him for his songs about relationships and his personal life. It has been alleged that a member of the Chinese government paid him to make this song, but he has denied this.

One of his fans had this to say ‘It's a new direction I have to say, but I'm willing to hear him out, maybe the PRC isn't as bad as I have been led to believe’ .

Some fans are now wondering if they misinterpreted the song 'Hypersonic Missile.' Regardless, most plan to keep listening to his music.

‘Glory to the People’s Republic’ is currently out on all streaming services.

Matt Davis

Netflix to Sponsor Serial Killers Following the Success of ‘Dahmer’

With Netflix beginning to falter, it has released adverts for people to star in upcoming shows which are ‘currently untitled’ The casting call has included the clause that participants must be willing to kill people in peculiar ways and be a part of a lengthy court case in which both their own personal lives and those of their families will be aired, for this to later be dramatised.

This is likely attempt to follow the successes of series such as ‘Unabomber - In his own words’ and, ‘Dahmer,’ which streamed for 196.2 million hours in its first week on Netflix. Whilst the inclusion of their families is not explicitly mentioned, it is implicitly understood that they withhold their right to privacy as a part of the contract between the participant and Netflix. Will a bold move such as this be enough to reverse Netflix's fortune?

Matt Davis

Mario like you have never seen him before, a gritty, realistic live action film from the beloved children's game franchise Mario takes on new enemies far cries from the likes of Bowser and Wario

A Dark Twist on the Mario Story

After a long series of successes the Mario franchise has gone in a darker direction, depicting Mario as a drug addict struggling with reality Here's an extract:

‘Hey guys, it's-a-me Mario! *Chris Pratt voice* I've been struggling with my mushroom addiction for a long time At times it’s made me feel like I was invincible (and also rainbow coloured) and other times it has left me feeling small It's time for me to make a change It's got to the point where the mushrooms talk to me now, they tell me to save a princess from a gigantic tortoise that can sometimes breathe fire

My friends tell me I've been jumping around the flat mumbling something about a magic hat Also when driving to the shops I have been throwing bananas out of the car windows because I was scared that the Princess would overtake me and I would lose my race

I am in need of help and am starting a healing journey today’ It is unclear why Nintendo chose to do this.

Matt Davis

If we haven't posted a video on Tiktok in the next 6 months

bringing a yippee vibe to the party that the hooray crowd don't like

How I bested Hemingway, an Auteur’s Guide to Literature

Whilst taking a break from religiously watching Charlie Jeffery fan edits a few weeks ago, I came across a lot of furor about the ‘saddest, shortest story ever written’ , which goes a little something like this:

‘For sale, Baby Shoes, Never worn’ Humble as ever, my first thought was ‘bullshit, I can write a sadder and shorterererer story than that,’ and I got to work, so here goes:

‘For sale, 50 baby shoes, never worn’

Imagine a huge, hunky, monster of a man with the confidence in his eyes that could make anyone weak. That's what I saw when I watched ‘Cocaine Bear’ . It's hard to fully describe how I felt in the cinema watching it for the first time but I certainly needed to take off an extra layer before it had ended. There's a scene about halfway through of a man hiding away in a little log cabin, from outside he hears this heavy breathing like the most passionate of lovers about to burst through the door into your bedroom. I don't know if I'll ever feel as horny as I did when watching cocaine bear for the first time.

***** An erotic masterpiece

Matt Davis

What’s sadder than a dead baby? 50 dead babies (christ this is quite dark). Now I know what you’re thinking, ‘this is hardly an article, he’s already beaten the man’ BUT this masterwork is longer than Hemingway’s sham, so no matter how incredible it may be, it is objectively worse.

So, attempt 2:

‘Dead baby’

See this one is much more to the point I think, Mr Hemingway really wasn’t trying very hard to keep it short was he? I have three worries however:

a) if I lose the word ‘sale’ I lose my insightful comment on capitalist society

b) It's not any sadder, it's just the one dead baby still

c) It's not quite dramatic enough?

I’ll sprint through a few more tries to address these concerns:

‘Dead baby monopoly man?’ think – Rome wasn’t built in a day and socioeconomic system

pluralised the word Pretty clever I think it of suspense, a bit of drama, a bit of PAG lessons really helped me develop my

my alterations my magnum opus: g … recession!’

Review: ‘Planet S

Totally weird porno

Described by planetsandmilfs as a must see for any fans of ‘Don’t Hug Me I’m in Orbit’’ .

The movie is based on the set of ‘City of a Thousand Planets’ , where aliens take turns having sex with some bushy eyebrowed celebrity who keeps telling me how much she loves mysteries.

Stream now on BBC iPlayer

I'll eat this page. @thelemonpress

Marti Stelling

at your heart out. Still a word shorter and he dog bit doesn’t even follow on from anything. It s broken the format of the article. THAT’S HOW GOOD THIS THING IS.

I expect my Nobel Prize in the post. Also, I’ve written ‘dead baby’ quite a lot now and I feel quite uncomfortable so I’m going to run myself a bubble bath and weep quietly into a pillow.

Eddie Atkinson

Ava’s Film and TV reviews, Based on Films I HAVE Actually Seen

Aftersun: a film targeted towards white women like myself, but in different fonts and with different coloured Ugg boots

Avatar: The Way of Water: the director spent ten years perfecting a special language for the franchise, only for the main characters to speak in English for the entire movie

Avatar: The Way of Walter: the protagonist of Breaking Bad smoked so much meth he turned blue himself in this shocking new documentary/horror film

Babylon: Damien Chazelle saw an elephant defecating in the wild and thought “ we need to film this ”

The Banshees of Inisherin: I have nothing witty to say about this except if the two leads were women the feud would have been resolved in the first five minutes

Bones and All: it’s essentially the sequel to Call Me By Your Name but they replaced Armie Hammer with Taylor Russell Due to the new premise I’m assuming

M3GAN: the film’s producers held a bunch of BuzzFeed writers at gunpoint and said “give millennials something to hate again” and they gave us this film as a response.

She Said: the same people that “always knew there was something a little off” about Harvey Weinstein are writing and directing this cinematic expose on him

Tar: Cate Blanchett plays the female version of my dad Triangle of Sadness: I had no idea this was a film, I thought it was used to refer to three Twitter users in a group chat together.

The Whale: Brendan Fraser fights for his life to ejaculate over gay porn. Spoiler alert: it never happens :(

Ava Young

OPINION: The Masturbation Scene from The Whale Should Have Lasted For The Whole Runtime

The recently released psychological drama The Whale, opens with a scene that has drawn much comment from audiences Charlie, the protagonist, played by Brendan Fraser, is seen masturbating to homosexual pornography on his couch He suffers a heart attack during and is interrupted by Thomas, a missionary The film then continues for roughly 110 minutes with a bunch of sad shit and a sadist girl and a pointless missionary side-story

If I had written and directed the film, I’d have made the opening scene the only scene Cut out the sad sob stories about ‘not being present in my daughter’s life’ and ‘being so overweight I can’t stand up unaided’ boo hoo, I wanna see some penis bro. Have the whole film be an artistically and tastefully shot wank scene.

Also, does anyone have the link to the video he was watching?

Adam Berry

My Favourite Songs of 2023 so far ‐ I Only Listen to Scat

1. The one that goes ‘bu bi ba da bi badadidily didily doo’

2. The one that goes like ‘skibbidy dibby dubabada’

3. That one that’s like ‘ yo da dub dub ba-da-ba-da-ba-be bop bop bodda bope bop ba bodda bop’

4. My roommate when she has too much dairy

Adam Berry

Mamma Mia is woke and I want 3 dads

Mamma, Mia! Here we go again, it’s Friday night and I’m listening to how many guys my mum has fucked in her whole life So many men and so few dads!!!! You do the maths She’s sixty and I only have one dad!

I’m happy my dad is my dad considering she could’ve daddied up Boris Johnson. I think we’d all agree on(ESPECIALLY my mum) how many lives would be better before the day you came, BJ. In this financial crisis, he’s reached the number of kids he can claim for on benefits.

But as a Sophie, I feel like I’m missing out on the polyamorous daddy vibes! Heteronormative family units I have faith in you, but who wouldn’t want 3 dads? I mean Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! multiple dads before midnight. I wanna capitalize on that woke shit. Blow up the nuclear family! Like my mum blew dad number three last night.

Sophie Apps

I gotta be the hottest person reading TLP rn

Image Credit Adam Berry

What is defamation? Baby don't hurt me

The Final Episodes Of Popular Cbeebies Shows

In the event of the World facing a catastrophic apocalypse, Cbeebies have made the final episode of every single show they have ever made, to give that mewing little shit you call a "younger cousin" some closure before they get obliterated by an asteroid.

Something Special - After 87 years, Justin Fletcher has covered how to sign every single word, except one. Floccinaucinihilipilification. The action or habit of estimating something as worthless. There is not a single way to write a script where Mr Tumble endures a series of wacky narrated hijinks that conclude with him reflecting on the word floccinaucinihilipilification, even with the new character Nihalist Tumble. So it is just Mr Tumble in a blank room, slowly shaking his head. The episode ends with the narrator's voice breaking.

Hey Duggee - The squirrels finally graduate, and take the next logical step of any good scout - becoming a cop! Who knew Roly had such strong emotions about the precognitive motives of different ethnic backgrounds!

Gigglebitz - Orgy. Enough said.

Gigglequiz - Orgy, but with a weird quiz element. Please stop giving Justin Fletcher shoes, just give him the knighthood he so obviously wants so that he can rest

Bluey - The show's writers come out of the screen, gets close to the parents watching the show, and openly sucks them off Because that's all they do, Bluey isn't for the 0-6 audience of Cbeebies, it's for the fucking Lib Dem parents who want to have their passive progressive politics vindicated by an absolute cunt of a blue dog Have you watched the show with an actual child? They can't stand it They may as well be watching Eastenders So that's the final episode, all of you getting sucked off by the screenwriters I hate you

Bing - Do you know what has separated Flop from every other monster that has tried to murder a child? One Bad Day After Bing literally shits his pants at the opening night of Zula's opera (long story), Flop convinces his son to visit a meat grinder with him "I think that pet butterfly you thought you fucking sat on and killed is actually in here, have a closer look Bing!" Of course Bing approaches the massive moving metal machine, but as soon as he gets close Flop stops it, opting instead to grind his son with his own bare hands against the gears to eek every last bit of satisfaction out of the murder " Catharsis It's a Bing Thing" Flop quips as blood drips from his hands The screen goes black

Justin's House - Another Orgy Sorry things got a bit dark back there, but I could write 32 pages of this Subscribe to my Patreon for 31 more pages of this

Dan Saxotweet

A24 teases upcoming productions, including…

A Woman In Her Twenties Trying to Parallel Park but Student Debt is Holding Her Back

A new Cronenbergian body horror focuses on a group of people that just “really love cheese” (and something weird and explicitly sexual)

A sequel to “Marcel the Shell with Shoes On” but it’s been turned into a hood film titled “Marcel the Shell with a Glock and a Crack Habit” (directed by Spike Lee)

A new documentary about R Kelly from “his side of the story” but it’s filmed in the prison he’s currently detained in A remake of Andrew Dominik’s “Blonde” but it’s directed by a woman (they remove the pro-life scene)

A remake of “Tar” with a straight male lead (it’s Harvey Weinstein’s biopic)

Ava Young

Image Credit Ava Young

DeSpare - Diaries From A Former Editor

After a ground-breaking exit from The Lemon Press that saw the entire nation gripped (14 likes on The Lemon Press Writers Room), estranged and strange former editor Dan ‘Do We Still Have To Call Him' Saxotweet reveals ALL in an extraordinary memoir. The full version is out now,and available to whoever buys his phone with the notes app still installed, however we have been given EXCLUSIVE extracts from the 9999999999 - page autobiography that will change how you view The Lemon Press forever…

I will always stand my service in the Gloryhole Wars as one of my proudest acts. One can lob complaints about the intent and effectiveness of waging a costly war against gloryholes, but I did my duty to defend Queen and Country against an ideological threat. I shot about 25 Freshers point blank in the face after they expressed a desire to write gloryhole content, and I would happily do so again. Much of what was written during those hard months was against the Geneva Convention, which was the entire point A weekly battle of pure ideology that was only stopped when everyone got bored of it But what a war it was

It was the night of the big royal alumni party, and all of the faces that you would recognise from the news (section of The Lemon Press) were there. There were two types of people present; people who had an odd interpersonal relationship with Martin, and Martin. William was of course there, loved by all, the central mirrorball around which the entire gathering swayed. Everyone loves William. “Why can ’ t you be more like William, with his control of comedic brevity, and the ability to commit to a bit without turning it into an agonising metacommentary on the entire medium of satire?” the glares of the masquerade revellers whisper at me.

But I can ’ t hear them, not for long. This was the night where I was to finally bring a plus one, who wasn ’ t already related to the family. The venue, a grand curry house, shook with anticipation as the entirety of Fulford Road was demolished by a nervous and lightly - perfumed giant sandworm. With grace and poise it walked through the doors, eliciting nothing but silent judgement from the party and screams of presumed-admiration from a block of flats two postcodes away The entire congregation evacuated in a panic The partygoers were forced to sleep with each other as they were too frightened to rest alone I still didn’t get my rice Yet another example of institutional discrimination against southerners

The Lemon Press had always been a solid and cohesive unit with harmony at every level. I am entirely grateful that me and The Biggest Worm From Dune met when we did, and prevented any form of incest tearing this stone temple apart. Of course you hear tabloid rumours, you cannot deny it in this line of work, but I can tell you all that every big ‘ story ’ put in the press about this family was untrue beyond belief, and anything that will be proved to have happened, I was not in the room for. Sandworms, notoriously allergic to tapas, are not allowed within a mile of any such restaurant (a rule enforced by other sandworms, so you know it ’ s serious), so me and my bride-to-be have no knowledge of anything

Don't blame me, I voted for wasps

Just like whenever I am doing layup, my penis was oscillating between extremely sensitive and borderline traumatised. The last place I wanted to be was LFA/144. I had tried placing it in purely neutral substances, like the Nouse Opinion Section, but still it did not settle. One of my friends recommended that I use a gloryhole to get rid of the tension. “A gloryhole? Reynard used to use that on his lips, and you want me to put that on my todger?” I went to Derwent Cubicle 3, and the smell transported me through time. It felt like Reynard was in the room. I unblocked and inserted myself in. However, it turned out that I was on the‘mouth’ side of the hole. I instantly received push back from another member of the community ’ s member. We were now swordfighting through the tiniest gap, with the most perilous stakes. Whilst I had been trained in the fanciest penthouse bedrooms, my cock-carrying combattant clearly had been trained by the streets. His tip was a Shambles, his shaft a Clifton Tower, and his pubic area that place in Rowntree Park where people sneak off for a piss Eventually, a cleaner knocked and we both yielded As I left, I reflected on why this sort of thing only ever happens to me I bet William never has problems with his todger

Messy divorces are part and parcel of this line of work. They are the big firework that draws people to the bonfire, the dismembered limb at the end of a mile-long rubbernecking tailback, the one clean cock at an orgy. The press circled me and The Biggest Worm From Dune like vultures, which was admittedly not as threatening given the large circumference of the worm leading to you seeing about one, exhausted, vulture per minute. But not everyone in my family was blessed with such a wide perimeter, even William with his circular entourage applauding his every perfect move, and before long the pressure on all of us got too much. I was faced with a horrible choice; abandon my family, or abandon the love of my life.

Then my dad called The Biggest Worm From Dune a slur, and my uncle got caught with his hand in a bucket of ringworms, so it was actually incredibly easy for me to leave.

How do I remove black mould?

Do I look like some kind of cleaning expert? Because I’m a woman? Bit sexist mate, not very cool of you The real way you get rid of black mould is by calling up your landlord who, as we all know, only has your best interests at heart

I cough uncontrollably whenever I am in a lecture, please help!

If you are that one person who has a long-term cough reminiscent of a 1920s coal miner, the only solution is to drink enough cough syrup to get blackout drunk “Oh but what if I don’t want to be drunk during my lectures?” this is still less embarrassing than having a coughing fit, and might even earn you respect amongst your peers

Help! I’ve accidentally been elected as president of the United States, what do I do?

So, first things first, you want to trail off every few seconds whilst giving a speech This gives the impression of coherence and awareness of your surroundings, something only reinforced by continuously getting lost whilst the cameras are rolling or falling down stairs. Alternatively, you could also just talk about McDonald’s and give out hats with your shitty slogan on, but the choice is yours.

I think democracy is boring, why should I care?

How you can call democracy boring after the most recent YUSU election, I don’t know. The debate night alone should’ve caught your full attention, a true example of functioning democracy where every candidate turned up to take part in a lot of mass debating.

Costa

Like a parody of the bazaar at Marrakech 1/5

An anomaly of highest order Inside, human beings scramble like beetles whose rock has been upended wernerherzog546

its a costa 3/5

pretty good although hot barista refused to talk to me when I followed her into the staff room

soyjack52

Кріс Гріффін сімейний хлопець 5/5

моя хрещена племінниця Борис успадкує світ

страх це вбивця розуму :( [translated by Google: penis mug :(]

Пітер Гріффін

The Grand Hotel

Heart­wrenching! 1/5

Only left my room for about ten minutes, when I came back I found that my room was full of someone else's stuff??? My wife was replaced and my kids were missing??? Not coming back here!

mattflavis

greasy haired waiter took my lung 3/5 food was delicious although I had an organ donor card in my wallet and the waiter excised my right lung without my permission

lloydpeterson

Doe Bakehouse

Hypnotically Caucasian 5/5

The peg­legged man behind the bar doesn't look like he can run very fast, and all the pottery is right by the door One of Satan's little tests

JeremyHarrington

We value your organs

The FirstBus Depot

Let me in 1/5

let me in let me in let me in let me in let me in let me in let me in i can be trusted around the training buses let me in let me in

trainingbusfanletmein

We and our partners store and/or access information on your device and process personal data using cookies, tracking pixels and similar technologies to recognise your device so we can understand the quality of your lungs That means we can show you personalised content and personalised ads which are more likely to be convince you that you only need one lung It also helps us to use ad and content measurement, and audience insights to understand what's popular and what's not so we can: develop and improve our products and services, report to our advertisers about how their ads performed, and carry out important administrative activities like combatting rival companies that want your testicles

Just to show you

Mario Fart Wii

Just two hours north of London by rail, the city of York holds 1900 years' worth of history in its ancient walls. Here are a few of the reviews of local businesses...

The Woke Mob Has Left Us With Nothing But Tapas!

Right! You know what really gets my goat at the moment (if you can even SAY that anymore). TAPAS! I was walking around the streets of York and down every street, I was filled with rage but calmed down enough to manage to make it to Spoons and get a pint of Stella down so that I could write this article. That’s how mad I am right now.

I mean, why is it that every second restaurant on the York high street is a Tapas restaurant!? 10 SPANISH TAPAS RESTAURANT and then there’s two THAI TAPAS restaurants, but it doesn’t stop there… no, there’s Italian tapas as well!! Yet more signs that York has fallen to the woke mob. They want everyone to eat off of tiny little plates and put tiny little food into their tiny little mouths. What’s the matter, liberals? Scared of a steak? Ooh can’t you eat a 1.5kg steak in 2 hours or less huh? Eat big food on big plates like a MAN! What happened to this country? We won two world wars and now we have to have our food served to us like baby versions of real food!

The wokerati is out to get normal food eaters like me and replace all of our favourite restaurants with tapas restaurants. We used to have a Tomahawk Steakhouse in this town and pubs which all served passable food! Now we just have tapas, two of them are Thai Tapas! One is Italian tapas! TAPAS USED TO BE BETWEEN A SPANISH RESTAURANT and members of the liberal elite! Now it is between any country and any other country. And I don’t like it AT ALL. I mean what’s next? Martian tapas? Are we going to start getting martian tapas now from rocks from Mars? Is that the next step for food?

we are not getting too coherent

And where’s British tapas in all of this? Nowhere to be seen. Where’s the tiny Sunday roast with small potatoes on one plate and a separate plate for gravy and a separate plate for the roasted carrots? It’s nowhere! In a world of tapas no one thought to put good old fashioned British dishes onto tiny little plates. APPARENTLY that’s not allowed as that because it would be difficult to fit even the smallest roast chicken onto the plate.

I’m going to eat proper ENGLISH food and that means wetherspoons small plates. Truly the best, most manliest food in the world. What I fought for in the great twitter skirmish in 2022.

Matt Davis

S for Throuples

1. Holding hands in a circle around a campfire that’s burning the last surviving possessions of a mysterious girl from the outskirts of the city that recently went missing (inspired by Riverdale and every other teen show)

2. Two of you standing a couple feet away from each other with the third being used as human skipping rope

3. One of you lies on the floor with a piece of bread on top of you, the other covers themselves half with peanut butter and half with jam and the third lies on top of the second with the other slice of bread. You all wriggle up and down to mesh the two flavours together. Bonus points if you eat the food afterwards. #nofoodwaste!

4. All three of you stand in a line side by side kissing each other back and forth until one of you cums or dies (or both)

Is gaming a sport?

Top Five Chess Positions That Will Make Him Cum Ten Times Harder

Confused trying to remember numerous openings? Does your endgame leave more to be desired? Well look no further! Here are five chess positions to add to your repertoire which will be sure to get him gushing

1. c4.

The English opening may be a little bit unorthodox, but it is straight to the point. 'Oi mate, fancy a shag?'. If he responds with 1...c5 you can guarantee it will be cumming home at the fortress of dreams tonight.

2. Pin

Remember to be adaptable, keep an eye out for the chance to execute a pin. Just like his knight on f6, his mind will be left immobile by the impossible orgasm he is experiencing.

3. 0-0

So far you ' ve taken a bit of initiative and kept him on his toes, but now it's time to remind him just how much he needs you. Castle yourself away and watch as he becomes more and more desperate for just a touch. Wait until he has exhausted all his options before giving him exactly what he wants, and so much more.

4. c8=Q.

Introduce a little bit of role play. You may normally be a pawn with a pretty vanilla move-set but embrace that promotion and become the all-powerful Queen you were always meant to be. Be sure to run him ragged with your newfound range and mobility and don't stop until he submits to your dominance.

5 1 e4 e5 2 Nf3 Nc6 3 Bc4 Nd4?! 4 Nxe5!? Qg5! 5 Nxf7?? Qxg2 6 Rf1 Qxe4+ 7 Be2 Nf3#

Oh, he can't read chess notation and doesn't have a suffocation fetish? Are you sure about that? Because air won't be the only thing he's gasping for after you end the game with this dastardly smothered mate

Negotiations have been made and the disgraced actor Kevin Spacey has managed to get a hold of the 2030 World Cup. The UK is devastated as they thought that maybe they could bring it home this year but FIFA have announced that it’s nothing to do with any money he might have donated, they just thought it was a good place to hold.

The FIFA president has been quoted saying, “it’s a great location, I see nothing wrong with it I mean, have you seen House of Cards?” Other representatives harbour resentment to the location saying “what the actual fuck” but they are not surprised because it’s FIFA Cameron Stenhouse

Niall McGenity

Sport Exclusive: 2030 World Cup to Be Held in Kevin Spacey’s House

A Poem For YUSU Elections Past, Present and Future:

He strode in with a rockstar stance

All cool eyes and wild hair

The kind of shoulders that lesser men

Used to make shrines to.

He rode in with a chip on his back

The size of uncharted worlds

The kind of burn and rage that lesser men

Used to make cults for.

"I'm running in the YUSU Election"

He said with confident inflection

He said a thousand words but

He had this lesser man at "hello"

I sat enthralled by this mystery of a man

All perfume and tan

Whose words promised anarchy

Whose body promised sanctuary

A smooth-sailing vessel in the tsunami he created

He offered me a voting page link

I took it with glee

I reached for his phone

But he reached for me

His knowing eyes pierced my disguise

Of a man who didn't want his touch

Or his kiss

And the world dissolved into nothing but his kiss and him and this world was his and his world was me and

He moved on to the next table

He was RON

And now he's gone

And I don't know what to do any more

It's been a year

Still I sit here.

Waiting for his win on The Lounge's floor.

The Great British Rake Off ﴾Mary Berry's Version﴿!

Welcome, to The Great British Rake Off (Mary Berry’s Version)!

Taking off her old cardigan, Mary’s tarty conversion

Is coming to the BBC - Naked Attraction but more PG

It’s bread week and Mary “Whore” Berry is filling up male buns

So go fuck yourself (Paul) Hollywood Whenever Mary cums, She’s piping out pounds That weaker left arm never stops Mary: “It’s all in the wrist action” Poliovirus at aged thirteen

And Berry can make Paul’s irregular balls merry. Wearing Noel Fielding’s black thong, she comes pre-baked at two-twenty. It’s Round Three in the tent, and dough isn’t the only thing rising.

It’s Paul’s blood pressure! (From sucking the buttercream icing Off fucking Mary’s fingers). “Ohhhhhh, why can’t we keep this friendly?”

Shot reverse shots of her missing pearls and soggy bo-loomers; Mary’s left Paul, breathless –“best wishes, your chick choking boomer.”

Sophie Apps

Dan Saxotweet

My Legacy In Student Media: A Haiku

Sorry for making

The average TLP piece 600 words long

Dan Saxotweet

A Sonnet to the 6

I stand at the edge of a precipice, Hunched against icy winds and pouring rain Waiting for you Others are pessimists, Abandoning you, groaning “what, again”

And climbing into expensive cars but I will wait, my dear, for hours on end You may disappear; I will never shut The door on our connection - you transcend Everything Come to me darling, appear Before my eyes: we must simply agree

To a time and place - oh, is that you near?

Is that my love which I see before me?

Headlights flashing through rain - then abatingAlas! Mistaken, alone, still waiting

Lara Hagger

There's always one A corner of the poetry corner, Needing words to fill the gap. This is my little warner, To Editors before they can wrap.

Matt Davis

TLP2! Coming when we have more editors

It’s me, Clairvoyant Cameron, back at it again with another round of Horoscopes you can base your personality on If you want to know the answer to life’s burning questions, like is there a God? What is real? And why don’t my family speak to me at Christmas? (hint: it's because you’re reading this magazine) well read on, my children, and learn about your future

Footnote: For legal reasons disclosed in an NDA, these horoscopes are only advisory But again, it’s not my fault they assaulted that elderly man.

Aries: For the love of God, don’t give money to the homeless!

Taurus: Something is going to happen to you If it's bad or good, you can find out for a small fee! Send £8 to The Lemon Press editors office and you’ll receive a goody bag worth £9! If you don’t do this, then you’ll get hit by the 66 bus Serves you right for going to Salvos!

Gemini: Don’t forget to pick your kids up from school Don’t have kids? Then don’t forget to take your dog for a walk Don’t have a dog? Then don’t forget to kiss your friends goodnight Don’t have friends? Then don’t forget to stare into the void of your worthless life Don’t have eyes? Then don’t forget to feel something positive for once in your life Don’t have feelings? Then don’t forget to cause chaos in the name of the University

Cancer: I know what you did. Yeah, that thing? Yeahhh, I know. Now you can actually come clean and admit what you did. No? You didn’t do anything wrong? Sureee, tell that to the faces of the children you scares. You wanna know your future? Well I’ll tell you. NO ONE WILL EVER LOOK AT YOU THE SAME WAY. [ We’re sorry about this, Cameron has harboured emotions about this star sign-Ed]

Leo: You know that silica gel you find in various packages? It's sooo tasty. Trust me! Go try it.

Virgo: Virgo, kinda like, Ver-ti-go! The movie by Alfred Hitchcock So now expect a visit from him

Libra: This star sign is shit Its scales If you’re a Libra, be ashamed How about you weigh up how boring you are as a person and maybe seek human contact for once

Scorpio: Stop showing people your Fortnite victory royals!

Sagittarius: Be wary of Capricorn, they have suspicious items to give you They can cause pain, disease and anguish

Capricorn: Hey, why not give Sagittarius a gift!

Aquarius: Have you ever seen that movie Grease? You know the former Scientologist singing about a car? Well, watch it. Then watch Grease 2 (Yeah, there's a Grease 2!) Come back to this once you’ve seen it. Have you seen it yet? What do you think? I know right, John Travolta is bald now.

Pisces: So remember that person you met that one time and you can’t remember their name? You’re gonna see them a lot more. And guess what? They remember your name! And you are gonna have to talk to them. Because they want to talk to you. Good luck!

Congratulations everyone!

You have all made it to the end of another issue of The Lemon Press, we hope to see you next term when we'll be talking about: troubles in the Conservative Party, (UNKNOWN FUTURE EVENT), and the Cost of Living crisis.

We hope to see every single one of you there. If you liked what you ' ve read and want to get involved or simply tell us how brilliant we are you can sign up to our mailing list by emailing lemonpress@yusu.org and getting membership to join the society.

With that I, your Sherpa of Satire will leave you. Now go away.

Now you have to come back for the next issue