The Lemon Press - Issue 57

Editors' Introduction

Hello freshers!

Let us introduce ourselves, we are the editors of The Lemon Press, Matt (20M) and Ava (20F) Contrary to popular belief, those aren’t our cup sizes, they’re our personal identifying information (PII) Reddit has total control over (and Facebook, and Instagram, and this one guy on Omegle who knows where we live).

Welcome to the best satirical magazine in a 100 mile radius (don’t look that up) where we gather the best and brightest minds of the University of York or whoever chooses to turn up, to write some satire and silly jokes about what’s going on in the news. And it’s your turn to be involved. Whether you like it or not you have chosen a path where you will laugh at our jokes or join us to write better ones

In this issue we will be exploring many important and timely topics, like the school concrete crisis and Barbenheimer, as well as all of the things you can do with over a hundred plums at your disposal (because there’s so much more you can do with food than just eat it like a normal person). From overseeing the battle of the climate criminals to bidding a fond(ish) farewell to our most beloved (kind of) rat contributor, we are here to expand your horizons and blow your (mum) mind

And for our devoted customers, we’d like to clear up some misconceptions about our magazine and ourselves :

1. We didn’t commit any war crimes, we just happened to be there Our readers know full well how far we go to write student satire (to the kitchen to get some string cheese) so it should be no surprise that we were also there on January 6th We had no idea an insurrection was going on, we just thought we had interrupted an in-person gamer’s convention. It took us a long time to realise those kinds of people would never actually go outside to do that.

2 We didn’t kill off our last editor, he just happened to “disappear” at the exact same time we wanted to run this magazine for ourselves. We just knew we could do what he did but sillier If he was alive he would say the exact same thing

3. We DO want more contributors! Just because a fresher last year described our society as “ a bit like a cult” (true) doesn’t mean we are exclusive. We’re all in an open relationship with everyone but not in a weird sexual way, more like Midsommar

And lastly, we do hope you enjoy this issue and inspire you to come (teehee) and join us for future projects Lots of love, Matt (20, 6’11”, Professional Hater, Male) and Ava (20, [redacted], Venus in Lemonade, Lazy‐eyed)

Contents

Campus News & Politics

Lifestyle Arts

Science & Tech Features

pp 3‐9 pp 10‐12 pp 13‐14 pp 15‐18 pp 19‐20 pp 21‐26 pp 27‐28 pp 29‐30

The Lemon Press Staff

Editors-in-Chief: Ava Young & Matt Davis

Chief Subeditor: Hal Muxlow-Fisher

Sub Editors: Adam Berry

Campus Editors: Matt Davis

News & Politics Editors: Eddie Atkinson

Lifestyle Editor: Vacant

Science & Tech Editors: Ben Brown

Arts Editors: Ava Young

Features Editors: Adam Berry

Sports Editors: Vacant

Chief Illustrator: Maisie Hemmings

Illustrators: Matt Davis (Front Cover, Inside Cover and Various), Ava Young (Front Cover and Various), Adam Berry(Back Cover), (Various), Cameron Stenhouse (Various), Ava Young(Various), Sophie Apps (Various), Ben Brown (Various)

President: Sophie Apps

Treasurer: Matt Davis

Secretary: Ava Young

Secret Advisor: The Ghost of Saxotweet

Multimedia Editors: Louie McVey and Eddie Atkinson

Social Media Editor: Cameron Stenhouse

WebMaster: Hal Muxlow-Fisher

Ordinary Members: Adam Berry & Ben Brown

Contributors: Louie McVey, Will Rowan, Cameron Stenhouse, Anonymous, Limpwrist Cuckman, Ben Brown, Barry Stern

Contact the editors at: lemonpresseditors@yusu org

Contact the society at: lemonpress@yusu.org

We'll also put some little jokes here.

for hire: brain neuron counter, never funny

The Lemon Press' Advice Column for Freshers

The Lemon Press committee has come together to offer new freshers some advice on how to cope with university life. We're not saying you need to do all of these things but if you want to make friends or get laid or charge your phone properly then we strongly advice that you do. The bench image below isn't necessarily relevant but it is reassuring.

for all freshers

Image credit: Ava Young

Bench image credit: from the vault (Matt's hard drive)

you decide: uni better or coverage much worse?

First Bus timetables to change every single day

We all love First Bus and its timely ways. The way it has certain times that it should arrive by and hardly ever meets them. First Bus has announced a solution to help solve this problem: the timetables will stop changing in between term times and instead change every single day so that each bus you get is exactly on time regardless of whether or not YOU know it.

‘Missed the last bus of the day and you really need to catch a train? Well, too bad wise-guy. Not so wise now, huh,’ said one representative from the well-respected bus company hoping that the message will catch on. That anyone who believes they deserve to know when the Bus will come is wrong

In addition to this, it has also been announced that any University Bus that travels through Tang Hall could spontaneously combust into flames at any point. No reason has been given for this second change

Matt Davis

The Lemon Press loses the ‘Numbers Award’

How high can you count? because the higher the number the more you can win at UoY. Last night was the awards for how many people you have in your committee NO I'M NOT ANGRY I PROMISE. IT'S NOT THAT I JUST WANTED TO GIVE A SPEECH WITH MATT DAVIS ON THE IPAD, THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN FUCKING HILARIOUS.

Bullshit

Satire is dead TLP could have had an Oscars sweep like Morbius, but instead I’m hungover and angry. Next year, we riot

Cameron Stenhouse

We were ROBBED

What you can learn from the ghosts of Freshers’ Week Past, Present, and Future

Past‘Y’alright Governor (don’t ask why this Victorian man in York is Cockney he just is), I hear you’re hankering for some tips ‘afore you commence on a week on the town before your education. Unfortunately the University wasn’t founded until 1955 so I have absolutely nothing of value to tell you Beware the invention of the steam engine and watch out for ol’ Jack the Ripper (Shit that’s London again).’

Present - This apparition is the most terrifying of the three, a Lemon Press writer and multimedia editor He lurches towards you clutching at what appear to be literal straws. He speaks with the tell-tale nervousness of a man who has never quite understood how semicolons work; ‘‘I’ll be honest I went clubbing the first two nights of my Freshers and then gave up and stayed in my room rewatching sitcoms;;;; my main tip is really consider whether that free hot chocolate at the freshers' fair is worth signing up to spam emails about becoming a teacher for the next 20 years of your life Also absolutely and definitely buy any Freshers’ wristband anyone offers you. Come to think of it, I’ve got one you can have. Ignore the fact it's papier mache, it's for the environment. That’ll be £75 and the limb of your choice.’

Future - Everything will be underwater in 50 years so this one’s just a dolphin. I’m sure she’s saying something insightful but all you hear is a series of clicks and whistles She takes your arm in her flipper and carries you soaring over a scenic view of York But again it’s underwater. So it looks quite a lot like any other patch of ocean with maybe slightly more ducks. Oh well.

Eddie Atkinson

Image Credit Matt Davis

I Fucking Know Those Fucking Ducks Are Not Real

There’s thousands of those fucking fuckers quacking all around campus being little shits and doing little shits which I step in.

AHHHH’ I hate those stupid yellow beaked twats which everyone loves because one had a long neck and now they’re spending £1000 to glorify its stupid corpse

They’re not real. Microphones, microchips, silicon. I know they are FAKE I want to rip out their insides and see the wires But they won’t let me Big pharma or big YUSU or big Jeffery won’t let me. Let me SEEEEEEE.

Let me taste that hoisin sauce so I can see what those feathered fucks have in their eyeballs BECAUSE it’s cameras, NOT stupid eyes Why do you think we can’t feed them bread? Because it’s bad for them? Nooo it’s because big Charlie Jeffery wants to keep all the bread for himself and not give any to his workers!

I demand all those fucks are ducking shot

Rating Three Meals I Genuinely Ate During First Year

Desperate times call for desperate measures. I didn’t always have the most exciting ingredients at my disposal so during first year I was forced to consume meals that many would consider the cuisine of a crazy person. Here are three examples of my culinary genius:

The spaghetti hoop wrap – it is exactly what you’re imagining right now It was edible but my god was it difficult to eat Had to double wrap it like a bin-bag you’d gotten a tear in.

A big bowl of green beans – This was honestly the most depressing meal I engulfed during my first year. It was healthy but at what cost? At what cost!?

BEEF WELLINGTON – mmm delicious.

Cameron Stenhouse

An FOI Template to Help the Student Media Who Have Forgotten The Most Basic of Journalistic Tools to Hold the University to Account

Dear University of York,

I am writing to you under the Freedom of Information Act 2000 to request the following information:

1

i) Please provide the number of FOI requests submitted to the University over the past five academic years (2018/2019, 2019/2020, 2020/2021, 2021/2022, 2022/2023).

ii) Please report the number of these FOI requests made by Nouse, York Vision, and The Lemon Press separately This should be completed for each of the academic years outlined in i)

Please provide the information in the form of a Microsoft Excel spreadsheet

If it is not possible to provide the information requested due to the information exceeding the cost of compliance limits identified in Section 12, please provide advice and assistance, under your section 16 obligations, as to how I can refine my request to be included in the scope of the Act

In any case, if you can identify ways that my request could be refined, please provide further advice and assistance to indicate this.

If you have any queries, please do not hesitate to contact me via this email I will be happy to clarify what I am asking for Thank you for your time and I look forward to your response.

Kind regards, Will Rowan

Louie McVey

Image Credit Louie McVey

(Image Credit Matt Davis' Hard drive) Wowee get a load of this long bench

A Freshers’ Guide to the Best Societies to join for Practitioners of Occult Magic

Are you a warlock who’s tired of Law Soc? A witch who’s starting to find hockey too kitsch? A wizard exiled from Dog Soc for losing their pug in a blizzard? (that one’s a stretch I’ll admit) This guide has everything you need to enter (or re-enter) the magical world of York student societies:

1. Long Boi Society - anyone with the power to commune with the dead must surely flock to the quacking conversation that only York’s very loved, very deceased mascot can provide

2. The Lemon Press - just because you meddle in the dark arts doesn’t mean you can’t have other hobbies; every human being should feel the unparalleled thrill of writing a Lemon Press article and you are no exception, whether you have the capacity to curse entire bloodlines or not.

3. Swift Society - Clearly Taylor Swift has harnessed some sort of ancient power to inspire the fierce loyalty that she does, maybe check that out, maybe don’t - TLP accepts no liability for any injuries suffered should you question Taylor’s performance in Cats.

4 A secret one

5. Human Society - You’ve spent years perfecting the ability to converse with occult spirits but you still can’t send an email without getting your flatmate to read over it first; magic isn’t real and you haven’t showered in a month, maybe it’s time to put down the Necronomicon and pick up a toothbrush

Eddie Atkinson

York Freshers to Be Allowed Two Conversations Before They Must Apply for Student Housing

Oh you wanted to get to know your flatmates and assess their personalities as well as their compatibility before making an educated decision on housing based on shared budgeting and careful research? No

Given that deadlines for house application have been getting earlier and earlier, our beloved and hard-working overlords landlords have reluctantly decided to bite the bullet and just require freshers to lock in their second year house choices once they have finished their second conversation of the academic year.

You wasted your two interactions on asking someone their name and telling your dad he could not under any circumstances use the flat toilet? Tough You’ll find out everyone else’s names when you see them on the lease

Landlords shared some advice for freshers which essentially boiled down to ‘don’t become Mortal Enemies with the people you plan to live with’ , but added that this didn’t really matter to them as long as any blood spilt was promptly cleaned up and left no stain. However, there is no need to despair! As compensation for the inconvenience every student will get a free Mysterious Damp Patch on move in day, with a second one to follow six months later

Eddie Atkinson

Image

Credit: Matt Davis

The Best Taylor Swift Songs According to Longboi

Longboi’s neck wasn’t the only longish thing about him He was also a longstanding Swiftie After his alleged death during Taylor Swift’s era tour in the states, our investigative team found a blank space on Longboi’s will we retrieved from his Derwent pond vault. We tried multiple substances and light sources to uncover the invisible messaging, and almost gave up until we mixed Swift’s tears with the bad blood of Charlie Jeffrey. The results were sweeter than fiction. We deciphered a drafted list of Longboi’s favourite Swift songs in his will We hope that sharing this knowledge will give some more closure to Longboi fans across the globe, and might start further discourses on Taylor Swift in the duck community. In a very particular order, here are the three best Swift songs according to Longboi:

1. Welcome to the University of York ﴾Longboi’s Version﴿ ﴾The Long Pond Studio Sessions﴿: Swiftie’s will know 1989’s track Welcome to New York and this re-interpreted track is one that Longboi has secretly recorded in collaboration with Swift herself The pair were set to perform this live across the UK next year until the news of Longboi’s alleged death. Welcome to the University of York (Longboi’s Version) (The Long Pond Studio Sessions) was Longboi’s bread and butter as a University of York resident for all of his duckspan. Written as a tribute to his home and student family, some lyrics include: “Searchin' for a quack we hadn't heard before” , “Welcome to the University of York” , “And you can read what you want / nouse and vision and lemon press and lemon press” .

2. Nothing New ﴾feat. Phoebe Bridgers﴿ ﴾Taylor’s Version﴿ ﴾From The Vault﴿: Longboi was a much-loved superstar amongst his duck cohort and students at the University of York, but he felt the pressures of growing older and losing his ingenue. He felt that there were a lot of younger ducks with as long necks as him and was anxious about whether his fame would continue Maintaining his long neck became increasingly difficult as he got older, with the weight causing him to duck his head down involuntarily. Longboi is also a lover of Phoebe Bridgers and had ‘I Know the End’ played at his funeral.

3. Anti‐Hero: Even though Longboi has gained a cult following over his long neck, this was one of his biggest insecurities especially when trying to find a duck coffin big enough for the funeral. Unlike University of York students being enchanted by his longness, Longboi’s duck cohort were often not ready for it As such Swift’s track ‘Anti-Hero’ is highly relatable for him Lyrics include, “It’s Me, Hi, I’m the problem it’s me” and “I’m a monster on the hill / Too big to hang out” . We are sad to report that depression could have been another contributing factor to Longboi’s death and hope that this changes for other long ducks in the Derwent pond community.

Call it what you want, but we agree that Longboi has an untouchable top three Swift song list The Lemon Press investigative team will continue to look further into his will to see whether we can retrieve any further information. For now, we leave you with Longboi’s bonus favourite song: ‘it’s time to go’

York Students Explain How They Manage to Stay ‘Woke’

‘I have chronic insomnia’

‘I am an immortal being with no concept of rest, I have not shut my eyes since the dawning of the first day’

‘A mischievous elf stole my eyelids last summer after I forgot to leave him an offering’

These are just some of the shocking responses to our survey; clearly the only way to avoid the ‘wokerati’ is to grab those Spongebob pyjamas, brew a mug of piping hot cocoa, and snuggle up with some ambient rainforest sounds that will dominate your Spotify wrapped no matter how much you claim to listen to Mitski

Eddie Atkinson

Image Credit: Adam Berry

I Inserted a Library Cafe Buzzer Thingy Up Myself and This Is What I Discovered:

They buzz up to a depth of three metres: Buzzy Thingy Ltd are a luxury brand who ensure their products work at great depths, well done

If your injury is serious enough, NHS wait times aren’t a thing: despite general underfunding, if you go into A & E with your ribs buzzing uncontrollably and the people around you feeling an uncontrollable urge to serve you pizza paninis you’ll be seen quickly.

Hubris exists and I am its patron saint: like Icarus spreading his wings and weeping at the sight of the new dawn, I was close to godhood But – just like my mythical counterpart – I fell from the heights I had achieved, in a lot of pain and entirely blaming my father.

Eddie Atkinson

The Lemon Press Discord server banned for leaking classified documents

I know right, The Lemon Press has a discord server That’s mental. And within 2 days (or something, I don’t read the emails these losers send me) classified documents about the Pentagon spending billions on Biden’s Weeaboo collection surfaced and shit has hit the fan

Whoopsiedaisies

But TLP can’t be sued! Because we have a disclaimer in the first page of this magazine- seriously! if you actually read this clusterfuck there’s a legal disclaimer allowing us to say all the bullshit we want

Seriously anything- that’s why you should join. Even YUSU can’t stop us- oh wait no they can.

Cameron Stenhouse

Things You Can Expect to See Around the University of York Campus:

In this issue, we like to explain to incoming freshers things that they can expect to see at the University of York, to help them settle in.

1 The Lake It's one of the largest plastic-bottomed lakes in Europe Oh, you ' ve heard that already? Not surprising given how proudly people will declare it, you'd think that everyone at the university’s greatest achievement was going to a university with a large pond.

2. A huge statue commemorating a duck you'll never meet. In days gone by, there was a duck of an odd stature that roamed the waters of the Campus Lake (if meeting this duck was the reason you decided to come to York, you probably should have picked somewhere else) You can expect to see a huge statue get put up, likely to be taken down again when it is deemed a hazard to drunk students late at night.

3 A Dutch Person, maybe There’s gotta be one somewhere

4. Buildings that are ugly Ugly enough to make the campus 30% more miserable in winter than it otherwise would be, but not interesting enough to end up on the ‘Top 10 Ugliest Uni Buildings’ lists.

5. Rodney the Swamp Guy. Don’t worry too much about him, he won’t bite as long as you walk slowly and calmly near the swampier sections of the lake.

6 The Other Lake Have we already mentioned the lake yet? Well, calm yourself down because we’ve only got a-whole-nother lake on Campus East! That’s right! Two Lakes! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT! INCREDIBLE!

Matt Davis

Government Solves the North/South Divide

The Department of Levelling Up plans to entirely solve the North/South Divide by splitting the country in half vertically. It plans to do this by changing regions to have East or West as the primary signifier. This would place York in the East-North and Cornwall in the West-South.

This is likely to lead to funding still going to London and the areas around it but this time being part of the East as opposed to the South thereby solving the North/South divide

‘It’s genius if I do say so myself’ , said Michael Gove, whose idea it was

How to Win Student Media Awards:

Step 1: have a committee of 400 people

Step 2: there is no step 2

Yes I'm still mad about this

Cameron Stenhouse

The real question is what this will do for fresher’s conversations who will have one less topic to break the ice with

Matt Davis

A Third‐Worlder’s Perspective: What the Fuck Is an Estate Agent?

I’ve lived in this so-called first-world country for about six years now, and sure it has its benefits, like drinkable tap water, flushable toilets, and ‘the wheel’ , but it also holds onto obsolete things like nuclear weapons and loyalty cards. The most egregious offender has to be the real estate agent, an occupation so obsolete it has to highlight its own ‘real’-ness. “This is the bathroom,” I’m aware of that; “through here is the lounge,” I could make these observations without assistance thank you The job description is defined, by some virus-riddled website, as ‘conducting property viewings’ (I’ve got eyes), ‘advising clients’ (very much like a leaflet or website page could), ‘advertising the property online’ (sort of a one-off thing really) ‘and negotiating prices for buyers and sellers’ (could very much be done without them).

My advice to the denizens of this country and to the denizens of every first-world country is this: rise up. Rise up against the estate agents; carry out public executions, assassinations and the graffiti-ing of the letter ‘i’ into the space of their ‘TO LET’ signs They can arrange viewings in hell for eternity Remove them from the government payroll to free up money to pay the real workers: witch doctors and satirists.

Adam Berry

You have no idea how hard it was to not put a bench here (Image Credit Wallpaper Flare)

SHOCK! Donald Trump Quits Politics to Pursue Career as Drag Standup

He’s heard your praise for Home Alone 2! He’s famed for his ability to come up with tenuous pun nicknames like a primary school bully! He thinks he might be able to disguise himself from law enforcement if he’s touring the North of England in full drag under the name Immy Peach Mint! That’s right, everybody’s favourite disgraced ex-president has switched careers and he’s coming to a town near you.

Fans of the former apprentice host will be wowed by his wealth of material on such varied topics, such as the intricacies of the laws of golf, how voting works, and whether various people deserve rights He also promises to really bring the noise when performing a number of slightly modified hits, including ‘I’m coming out (for the January 6th insurrection)’ , ‘Man! I feel like a woman! (is inherently less important than a man)’ and ‘Born this way (obscenely rich and gently orange)’ .

Eddie Atkinson

Rich People Have Festival Ruined for Them by Weather, Hijinks Ensue.

Burning Man Festival is attended by thousands of people from all across the globe. It is meant to be a testament to selfsufficiency, freedom to express yourself and pretend you’re not a cog in a soulless industry for a few days a year. But at Burning Man 2023 it appears God has had enough – a flood swept through the desert environment trapping around 70,000 individuals who claim to have survival skills but actually work as venture capitalists or crypto-shills who have softer hands than a newborn.

Some conspiracy theorists believe this extreme weather to be a part of some government-mandated scheme to control the masses such as Neal Katyal (pictured below) – a man who once argued to the American Supreme Court that child slavery is okay for companies like Nestle and won. Of course, surely no bad karma would befall a strong champion of human rights such as Mr Katyal or any of the other attendants who definitely didn’t go out there just to drop acid and live out their libertarian dreams in a lawless land full of hippie cosplayers that may or may not have been featured in a certain set of flight logs. There were also rumours that there had been an Ebola outbreak but Ebola is the least of their worries when it comes to the spread of diseases around a place like Burning Man

Entire Education System to Change Every Four Years

The Government has announced that the Entire School System will be overhauled every four years ‘This is a part of our strategy for levelling-up as everyone will be on the same level without a clue of what to do,’ the Education Secretary said to The Lemon Press The first phase will involve schools being taught in different blocks, from Reception to Year 4, Year 5 to Year 8 and Year 9 to Year 13 Universities are being left alone for the first phase as it appears as though they are doing a good enough job at having every single year be entirely different from the last to the point where very few people understand what is going on

Matt Davis

then we IJBOL'd so hard

Louie McVey

Before and after images of Neal Katyal attending Burning Man Image Credit Louie McVey

School Concrete to be Replaced by Curly Wurly's

Whilst people have been warned of schools crumbling left right and centre recently, the boffins of Westminster have come up with an ingenious plan. The concrete will be replaced by chewed up Curlywurlys This is because they are so sticky after being chewed up that they will likely survive for longer than the feeble concrete that these schools were built with

As a result of this pupils at over 150 primary schools in the UK will be given a mandatory curlywurly with their lunch This has meant that the Government has had to go back on healthy eating pledges of the past but claim that it is for the greater good of education.

Rishi Sunak to Receive ‘W Rizz’ Coaching to Become More Popular with the Public

Rishi Sunak has recently been advised to take coaching to get ‘W Rizz’ to help gain the approval and admiration of young adults.

There are also rumours that he will be having lessons to learn ‘how to pour a proper pint’ so that regardless of images online, people will not doubt his ability to do important things for running the country.

Matt Davis

Government Responds to Backlash Against ULEZ Expansion

In response to the backlash to the expansion of the ULEZ in London, the government has ensured that companies are pumping twice as much sewage into our rivers and seas than they were doing before This way, whilst it may be that the air in London is getting cleaner, we can all rest assured that our waterways are getting much dirtier.

An Interview with Stevenage Woman

Recent analyses by the Labour Party have shown that ‘Stevenage Woman’ will be key to their electoral success. So we have decided to have an interview with her to get right to the heart of what:

TLP: Stevenage Woman, what would you like to see from the next government?

SW: Stop calling me that, I have a name you know

TLP: Ah right yes sorry, we don’t seem to have it on our cards

So, err… What is your name then?

SW: Why should I tell you?

TLP: So that we can credit you in this interview

SW: Interview? I didn’t consent to any interview

TLP: What did you think this was supposed to be?

SW: I don’t know, as far as I know you just came up to me and started asking for my opinions on politics

PC(Police Constable)(to SW): Is this person bothering you?

SW: Yes, please get rid of him

PC(to TLP): I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave

TLP: Fine, the interview wasn’t going anywhere anyway

PC: Thanks for being so quick to get moving

TLP: Whilst we’re here, what would you like to see from the next government?

PC: Get out of my sight

TLP: Understood

She conked on my crete until I crumbled Life's too short

Matt Davis

Matt Davis

Matt Davis

Image Credit: Simon Walker ‐Flickr

‘Keep sending sewage to the beach’ ‐ Man with Personal Vendetta Against Fish

Amongst recent waves of outrage at the increased number of sewage overflows in Britain’s beaches and waterways, one man stands alone against the tide: Guy McRealman, a Whitby resident who promises he isn’t 15 million microplankton in a wetsuit.

When asked where his dislike for our scaly friends came from, Guy answered: ‘They give me the heebie-jeebies and I just think they should stop being a thing’ , before adding that, ‘breathing underwater is an affront to God’ and ‘it should be more clear how to pluralise their noun’ .

Similar figures are popping up all over the globe, with Ron de Santis arguing that fish living in ‘schools’ could undermine Christian values in Floridian education and Priti Patel inherently mistrusting anything or anyone that comes from the sea Water companies have also seen increased support from swamp monsters and a very nice gentleman whose fursona is an antique toilet, but he promises it isn’t weird.

Whatever you think of Guy’s arguments, it’s nice to know that however this saga ends, with increased regulation on Britain’s sanitation, or the utter annihilation of over 34,000 aquatic species, someone will be happy

Eddie Atkinson

Wokerarti Watch : The Woke Blob Fucked My Wife

The woke blob is at it again- they’ve made my wife cheat on me!

You heard that right, the woke blob has taken it upon themselves to separate me and my wife of 7 years by indoctrinating her into their loony lefty views

They claim that there’s something called the female ‘ orgasm’ (not that I’ve ever heard of that)

These snowflake tofu eating bastards have made one too many cuckolds in my time, and something needs to be done about it!

I propose we send all the Wokey fools on a barge and stop allowing them to seduce my wife!

Wokerarti Watch : The Woke Blob Fucked My Wife Again

The woke blob is at it yet again- they’ve made my wife cheat on me! Again! That's right, the woke blob has taken it upon themselves to separate me and my wife of 7 years by indoctrinating her into their loony lefty views. And they've done it again Once was too many times, twice and it's starting to make me angry.

I propose we send all the Wokey fools on a barge and stop allowing them to keep seducing my wife!

Read these pages again

Cameron Stenhouse and Matt Davis

Cameron Stenhouse

Why YOU Should Bring a Banana With You On a Club Night

Imagine, if you will, you are on a night out. You will have to imagine this, because you are reading this (TLP) magazine right now, and are unlikely to be trying to enjoy yourself in a sweaty box with the loudest ABBA songs known to man blasting straight into your eardrums all the while the girl beside you tries to get you to buy them another VK. Sound familiar? If you’ve never been out, ask the nearest person to you if it does Then ask yourself why Anyways, here’s my top 5 reasons why any person worth their weight in potassium should bring a banana with them whenever they hit the clubs:

1) It’s the world’s best queue-skip around This secret is what the government (and the Flares bouncers) don’t want you to know. You pull up and the queue is stretching around the block? No problem – just throw your banana out and scream at the top of your lungs ‘OH MY GOODNESS IS THAT A BANANA??!?!?’ and watch Mother Nature do the rest Intoxicated club-goers won’t be able to suppress their ancestral monkey DNA and will go positively ‘ ape mode’ over the sight of a delicious yellow snack. In the chaos you can easily sneak in. Nice.

2) It’s a tasty snack Duh! It's been a few hours since you last ate, and you need a little pick-me-up. An excellent source of both fibre and carbohydrates to give you that slow release of energy over the rest of the night that no amount of Jagerbombs can ever give And it only contains around 15g of natural sugar! What’s not to love?

3) It makes excellent game Simply stick the largest ‘ nana you can find into your front pocket (that’s important) and boom –now no-one can tell if it’s your wallet, cock, or an equally enticing mysterious third option. Just watch the conversation start to flow as everyone in a 10 metre radius of your trouser mountain is suddenly aware of its awesome presence Alternatively, you can use it to demonstrate your incredible gag reflex to a few lucky individuals You fruity tease! (geddit??)

4) Uh oh, looks like that guy across the room clearly feels threatened by your superior levels of fibre in your diet (or maybe it was because you were hitting on his girl). He’s walking towards you Crikey, that's a big guy Looks like you’re about to pick a fight with the scrum half of Derwent Rugby. If you want to make it out of this sweatbox alive, you need to employ desperate tactics. You have one hope. Forcibly feeding him your banana may have him collapse and immediately expire from a radiation overdose It’s well documented that eating 50,000 bananas in one sitting is a lethal amount of ionising radiation*, so you better hope this large lad was on a banana eating social and this will be the final fruit to push him over the edge.

5) After shoving it into his face, it doesn’t seem to make a difference. It turns out he thought he recognised you from freshers, but now he’s really pissed and the bouncers are rapidly approaching. Thinking quickly, you dash towards the exit but have one last trick up your sleeve. You toss your empty banana skin behind you all Mario Kart style, not stopping to watch the chaos unfurl behind you. You can practically hear the goofy slipping over sound effects as you make a break for the exit Cool air and e-cig smoke hits your face. You did it. You escaped and had the best, most fun AND nutritious night of your life with only a banana. Good job you!

*I heard that Reynard actually made it to 51,451 bananas before finally succumbing. Godspeed, R.

Ben Brown

WANTED: Someone to Play the Theremin at a Party I’m Going to So I’m Not the Most Pathetic One There

I’m in a fucked up place right now fellas I’m not gonna lie; I acted all tough and cool and alpha over text with a Tinder match and now she wants me to come to her house party Friday. Truth is I’m a 3’1” chess playing virgin with 20/500 vision and a walking cane with tennis balls on the bottom of it. I’m so fucking boned dude; I don’t wanna mess it up with this girl But I think I’ve come up with a plan.

If you or anyone you know is willing to wear a flannel shirt and play the theremin at the party, please contact me. The idea being that someone playing the theremin would immediately make me the second least desirable person there and would make me seem more alpha by comparison I already have the theremin and the flannel shirt (it’s a child’s size XS) and I’m willing to pay with rare Yu-Gi-Oh! cards.

Please get in contact I need this Limpwrist Cuckman

Rabbit who lives inside balls to make them go boing tells all

Have you ever wondered how the balls you use in everyday life go ‘boing’ quite so consistently? No? Of course you haven’t, nobody has No one notices how the hard-working rabbits that train for years to master their specific boings are sent away from their families and randomly allocated to live in situ in some of the toughest environments on earth. Very few are the bunnies who manage to obtain the high pay, high prestige jobs as sporting balls that you may see on your TV screen and still completely ignore. Many in fact get assigned to balls that are almost entirely boingless I have countless colleagues who have been assigned to cannonballs (untrained in the separate ‘wheeeeee!’ noise they require) or worse still, lavish Austen-style balls (at which they arrive mortifyingly underdressed) and have since been forced to remain silent for years on end.

Because of this, next week there will be an official ball-rabbit strike, and the boings will go silent for the first time since they were brought in to replace the comically large cartoon springs that are used to fill our nation’s spheres Dodgeball tournaments and experiences of male puberty across the country will be brought to a standstill, but we cannot consider these dire consequences, not while we still must fight our cause Solidarity forever and death to our boingless overlords!

As such I, Lord Snuffles III, beseech you to consider our plight the next time you bounce, kick, slap, tickle, or fondle your way through your favourite sporting or leisure activity, and spare a thought for the noble artisans of boingistry who give their all to bring you the boinging you are so accustomed to and yet so consistently undervalue.

Eddie Atkinson

Ranking Different Times of the Day from Best to Worst

7am - 10 am This time slot is truly unmatched This period of the day offers me the same amount of peace and mental solitude that one would experience walking through a tulip field or being baptised in Fiji water Unless one of your housemates is up at the same time in which case the vibe is completely off and irreparably ruined

1pm - 2pm This is usually lunchtime and so therefore great Service workers usually pick this hour as the worst of the day however, and wish everyone would just fuck off and go home. But I don’t care about their feelings at all so second place it is

7pm - 9pm Late night downtime! This is the best time of the day for vibing with friends and having a great time until your passive-aggressive housemate comes downstairs and asks everyone if they could please be a little quieter because some of us have some really important studying to do. They’re getting a degree in Media, so it can’t be that hard and you turn the volume up even more out of spite.

3pm - 6pm; 11am - 12pm. These time zones all have the same vibe and that vibe is horrendous. It is comparable to the terrible gut feeling that Robert Oppenheimer probably experienced after he dropped those nukes. Obviously you didn’t do anything that bad (I hope), it’s just 3pm, but still

2am - 5am Any insane thought I’ve ever had was created during this time Being awake during this time is like microdosing hysteria, I can’t explain it in any other way. I joined The Lemon Press writer’s room during this time, that’s all you need to know

Ava Young

Image Credit: Ava Young

Image Credit: Ava Young

Mattel releases new line of conservative dolls in response to “Barbie” backlash

Greta Gerwig’s summer blockbuster “Barbie” has received a host of criticism from right-wing reviewers over the film’s perceived lack of conservative representation These critics have expressed outrage over the fact the film included trans, black and plus-sized Barbies but not a single openly conservative one In response to the backlash, Mattel has decided to release a new line of Barbie and Ken dolls designed to appeal to conservatives, including:

Chronically Online Barbie: this Barbie believes that the moon landing was staged, the Earth is flat, racism is over and George Bush “didn’t do that bad of a job” at American presidency. She downloaded Twitter four months ago and hasn’t logged off since.

Ben Shapiro‐coded Ken: this Ken has a hard time attracting women and the interest of others in general. This Ken often shows up to parties uninvited, talks at people for an hour and writes every thought he’s ever had on a notes app to be added to a podcast script he cowrites with his fellow Kens 1950s Housewife Barbie: this Barbie was recently diagnosed with hysteria and a victim complex. She wishes we could just “ go back to how things were before” so she could be more comfortably racist in public. This Barbie blames coffee shop baristas for her divorce and posts one-star reviews about their place of work in the hopes that they will be fired.

Emasculated Ken: this Ken sports a MAGA cap and a neck beard. This Ken does not wear deodorant and thinks American Psycho is the most inspirational piece of fiction he’s ever read. He also thinks Me Too was a “little bit of an overreaction” and the idea that you can’t publicly grope women anymore is a violation of his human rights. This Ken is not very popular with women but he’s not sure why

Ava Young

J.K. Rowling Renames Harry Potter Books in the Hopes of Appealing to Liberals

In an effort to appeal to left-wing audiences again, and to conveniently dodge allegations of transphobia, J K Rowling has decided to rename her much beloved Harry Potter series with titles that she believes will draw the attention of Gen Z, including:

Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Pronouns

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Genderneutral bathrooms

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Karl Marx’s Das Kapital (1867)

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Girlboss

Harry Potter and the Order of the Tiny TERF destroyer

Harry Potter and the Half-White, Half-Latino King

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, part Reproductive Rights 1&2

Anonymous

The Lemon Press Supports The Writer’s Strike With New Slogans

In support of the ongoing writer’s strike, The Lemon Press has issued a series of slogans for the strikers to use:

“Since we’re satire, if we lose a court case we can legally write it off as a joke”

“In a modest way, us writers are the backbone of British society In a narcissistic way we are the greatest of all time ”

“The TLP treasury made us an offer we COULD refuse.”

“No head for a free writer’s retreat? No thanks buddy, we’re good.”

“We don’t have a paywall for our magazine. Not because we’re selfless but because we’re desperate for validation ”

“We may never be able to do Life of Brian but Monty Python could never write a cum joke as good as ours ”

Ava Young

Image Credit: Pixabay

Image Credit: Pixabay

ITV has announced the production of ‘The Masked Singe‐r’

ITV has announced a new show based on the format of ‘The Masked Singer’ with a little bit more added peril for the judges and contestants This show will include different celebrities in their different fursuits which will try to burn different things over the course of several days before the judges can figure out who they are

As the competition draws on the contestants will be asked to burn things that are closer and closer to the hearts of the judges, starting with something like one of the judges’ office chairs, building up to a collection of old family photos that have not been digitised. Should the judges not manage to guess the celebrity before the end of the show, the main bedroom in their house will be burned down by the celebrity before they are revealed

Matt Davis

Things that aren’t illegal to do ﴾that you should do﴿:

Putting all of the peanuts they leave around the store at Five Guys into your bag and taking them home with you. There’s no policy that says you can’t and why do they leave them out like that anyway? What do they expect?

Buying out the entire stock of a product you don’t actually need This was an immensely popular tactic during the pandemic that I think we should bring back Who caused the baby formula shortage? The same guy that bought seventy multipack bags of Flaming Hot Cheetos™ in Morrisons (me)

Spreading misinformation on the internet. In recent years the chronically online have adopted this as a hobby of theirs and I encourage you to do the same For instance, did you know that Jerry and George from Seinfeld have a crazy no holds barred sex scene in season eight? I completely made that up but I don’t care. Also I haven’t seen the show but good god I hope it’s true

Lying. In certain contexts this is a crime but a little falsehood a day keeps genuine connection at bay You had Frosties for breakfast? Tell people you had bran flakes™ . It does absolutely nothing to your life but it makes you feel a little sexy and secretive. Who doesn’t love that?

Ava Young

Se7en Review:

There was nothing in it about the appropriate number of glasses of water to drink Two Stars

Matt Davis

Arts

Ava’s Film Reviews

This is just a guess of what I think these films are going to be like Dogman: it’s like the parasocial relationships people have with celebrities online but with a man and his dog

Expend4bles: you know when they put a number in the title it’s going to be goofy as hell.

Ferrari: beep beep honk honk weeeeeee

The Killer: the sigma male film bro quartet is finally complete. Killers of the Flower Moon: white people are just the worst aren’t they?

Napoleon: I want to see who hurt this man so bad he had an insecurity named after him

Next Goal Wins: I really hope this next goal wins.

Past Lives: a man gets cucked for two hours because he never learnt Korean.

Poor Things: how I imagine billionaires view the working class 98%.

Saltburn: they finally make Nate from Euphoria pay for what he did by making him British

Talk To Me: I don’t know if I want to talk to these kids, they were raised by iPads

Ava Young

Taylor Swift Unreleased Song Lyrics

"When I was fifteeeeen you broke up with meeeee

I hate you John, I hate you Johhhhhhn

You're the worst, you narcissist

I hope you get blacklisted

You never called me back

F-word you for that

I hate you John

Go break some OTHER woman ' s back "

Anonymous (for my own safety)

Tiktok will have videos on it

Red white and royal honk shoo mimimimimiii

We were besties, until we weren't

Fictional Characters I Want To See Fight Each Other

Tobias Funke (Arrested Development) and Gene Cousineau (Barry)

A serve-off between these two would be insane Cousineau has more charm but if Tobias brings back the leather daddy outfit it’s a no-brainer

Paul Blart (Paul Blart: Mall Cop) and An Adam Sandler Character (Various)

They both have to prove their worth to their insanely attractive wives by engaging in an old-fashioned duel akin to the Roman times (they bang each other)

Shiv Roy (Succession) and Howard Wolowitz (The Big Bang Theory)

I want to see Howard get the audacity slapped out of him. Captain Raymond Holt (Brooklyn 99) and Ben Shapiro (chronically online)

One incisive joke about Ben’s high pitched voice and it’s over for him truly

My Mom (45) and My Dad (49)

I just want to know who was really responsible for the divorce

Ava Young

The Dark Truth Behind S‐Club 7

It has recently been revealed that the ‘S’ in the band name stands for ‘Seal’ , relating to a hidden hobby of the group: seal clubbing This has massively outraged environmental activists who say that this is an absolute disgrace.

But more importantly, were there any signs of this that we may have missed?

In ‘Don’t Stop Moving’ , the lyrics go, ‘Just listen to the sound and it makes you come alive’ Could this sound be the sound of seals being clubbed by the group? In ‘Reach’ they say they should ‘swim the ocean blue’

I‘ m starting to suspect that this was about their desire to go SEAL CLUBBING? At the end of ‘Summertime Feeling’ the lyrics are five lines of ‘ah ah ooh yeah, ah ah ooh yeah’ which we can assume are the band’s attempts at making the noises seals make when they are being clubbed to death by them

Matt Davis

Follow us: thelemonpress

Image credit: Sophie Apps Man featured: Will Rowan

Image Credit: Ava Young

TLP Gamer Guide 2: Electric Boogaloo

Well well well, look who came (lol) back for more? Looks like you couldn’t ‘clutch up’ (you didn’t make conversation with them) and ‘took the L’ (they left early and aren’t responding to your messages). Looks like a simple ‘skill issue’ (communication difficulties) to me Well don’t worry, you single pringle tryhard gamer, I’m back on my bullshit and ready to get some real action RPG with some non-vidya game. Lets jump straight into it!

- Minecraft

Ah, how could I forget about this childhood classic? Full of nostalgia for many, if you are willing to put aside certain parts of the modern fanbase. Just hope your target isn’t like that at all, and simply blitzes the game for two weeks desperate for a taste of those good times when things were simpler. Hopefully the pair of you will last a little longer than the average friend server…

- Pokemon Go – Does anyone actually play this thing anymore? Like people you actually know in person Odds on you probably don’t, as the average player refuses to Go outside to the polls or anywhere else. Instead they prefer to remain in the basement, using GPS tracking software instead Run a mile, because they sure can’t

- Genshin Impact – If you’ve heard of this before, you probably know exactly what’s going on. If you don’t, find your nearest Genshit gamer and ask them this simple question: ‘What’s the age of consent?’ The look on their face will be HILARIOUS, trust me.

- Stardew Valley/Animal Crossing – Sorry ladies, lumping these two together as they are pretty much the same thing By the way, did you know that male gamers have a special gene that means they literally cannot play any of these ‘social sim’ games, or any game that hasn’t got a gun in it? Anyway, these people are ok (not just saying that because I live with two of them please guys don’t kill me) but will be quite likely to be happy doing the same silly domestic activities over and over again, so don’t get your hopes up for anything exciting On the plus side they know a surprising amount about mortgages

- Age of Empires 3 – I’ve saved the best ‘til last. You just KNOW that this will be a gamer of quality if they play the OG version from 2007, which reaches average player counts of just over 500 gamers during prime time. If you are into this kind of distinctive classiness found nowhere else online, then you better get a move on These guys are a dying breed, and really could do with a ‘breeding programme’ to boost numbers, if you catch my drift. - They don’t know what Steam is except for gaseous water – give up They are so far outside of your league that even at their worst they outrank you tenfold, you Steam level 56 loser. Better put a few more hours in the CSGO aim training rooms to make yourself feel better Nerd

Ben Brown

Grown adults upset at nothing, experience emotional meltdowns akin to Chernobyl

Lunacy and madness have always been around ever since that fish-looking motherfucker first emerged from the primordial soup and has taken many forms over the last few millennia of humanity’s existence But the invention of social media has given these manganese-eating maniacs an entirely new way to share their outrage and meltdowns at concepts that don’t bother functioning, sentient members of society with real jobs, a true step above being the village fool

It started when I witnessed a full-on adult try with every fibre of his being to rip up a coffee cup that came from a company who tried to seem like they care about marginalised individuals in an attempt to sell more product. This outrage was abnormal, because in the real world who actually gives a single fuck about issues like this? We have real problems to worry about such as removing Milton Keynes from the face of the earth. A few weeks later I again saw people freaking out over something so insignificant I couldn’t help but feel sorry for these clear victims of lead in the watering hole as they were upset at the English language itself – or more specifically pronouns being a part of character creation in the hit new game Starfield™ So much so that they were threatening to refund the game because they were unhappy at a video game allowing gamers to better identify with the characters they create One notable fellow who is lacking in the hair department went viral for crying about this perceived ‘woke’ feature in a game by a studio known for making such apolitical games as Skyrim (where you can side with imperialists or racists) or Fallout 4 where you can join a group of armoured fascists who may not actually be the good guys

Truly social media is a harrowing glimpse at what can occur to people who are deathly allergic to a job application

Louie McVey

Like you have any other options

Gamer Tinder:

Image Credit: Ben Brown

Image Credit: Pixabay

Study Confirms that Ötzi the Iceman Got Mad Puss Just One Hour Before his Death

The discovery of Ötzi in 1991, a 3500-year-old naturally mummified corpse in the Ötzal Alps between Italy and Austria, sparked wide and in-depth research into the Chalcolithic man Analysis of his stomach contents in a 2009 study revealed an insight into his diet up to ten hours before his death and a 2012 DNA analysis even discovered that he was likely to have been lactose intolerant. However, a recent paper (2023), published by researchers at the Free University of Bozen-Bolzano, reveals that Ötzi had ‘almost undeniably been involved in sexual intercourse and that that shit was crazy hot’ .

We spoke with one of the co-authors of the paper, Prof. Marcello Rapportisessuali, who stated that they ‘ were certain beyond a reasonable doubt, with a probability of greater than 99%, that [Ötzi] got his shit rocked like a motherfucker up to 55 minutes before his death’ . Rapportisessuali then went on to state that he ‘wishes he could have seen that shit’ and that he ‘is reduced to tears just thinking about it’

This discovery has sparked further investigations into other naturally mummified corpses which have revealed shocking finds. It has been revealed that the Danish ‘Tollund Man’ had his face sat on by a 6’3” woman only 90 minutes before his death, and that the British ‘Lindow Man’ had his shit schlonked silly-style only 45 minutes before his death.

Adam Berry

X Rebranding Part of a Wider Plan to Name Major Companies after Ed Sheeran Albums

The Lemon Press can exclusively reveal that Elon Musk’s inexplicable renaming of Twitter to X was not, as previously thought, a meaningless consolidation of his own vanity and an attempt to prove to the world that he could do whatever he wanted like a tantruming toddler, but instead a love letter to Mr Musk’s greatest musical hero

We are told that Elon fell in love with Ed’s music when he heard his hit ‘Castle On A Hill’ , which made him yearn for the joys of the quaint impenetrable fortress atop his childhood emerald mine. Ever since this shocking revelation, experts have been scrambling to predict which companies Musk will buy and rename next, positing that Tesla might become ‘Divide’ , his first major company will become ‘Mine-Us’ and that he may even buy the rights to the Switzerland flag and call it a Big Plus Behavioural experts warn, however, that Musk is very unlikely to invest any money in any major entities becoming ‘Equals’ as he’s not very fussed about that sort of thing It’s fair to say that there is slightly less certainty on which company will become ‘No. 6

Collaborations Project’

Eddie Atkinson

Elon Musk to announce X‐Games

- Elon Musk has done it again His genius truly knows no bounds as he announces a new competition designed to test his fans to see if they are true muskheads and reward them for their loyalty The X-games will involve some of the toughest tasks Twitter Blue subscribers could face, which have been released publicly and are as follows:

- Try not to promote your OnlyFans or shitty music in the replies of a tweet.

- Don’t spread misinformation about natural disasters and claim they were caused by Hilary Clinton or some kind of orbital laser controlled by George Soros

- Male subscribers will have to try and communicate with a woman – the hardest challenge within the X-games

- Learn how to form a response that doesn’t make them seem like a non-player character or bot

- Avoid meat-riding billionaires despite the fact they do not care or know about you

- Take payment for promotions of shitty products that no-one will ever need

There can be only one winner and what do they win? A brand new cybertruck, a vehicle that has been perfectly engineered for ploughing through multiple pedestrians when you’ve got your self-drive turned on

Louie McVey

How to Break a Flip Phone

Now that we are back to the world of flip phones, here are some retro ways to break them like people older than you used to do back in the day.

Forget it's in your jeans when you wash them

Snap it to pretend you ' re in Breaking Bad

Matt Davis

Image Credit: Ben Brown

101 USES FOR 101 PLUMS!

Alright, time for a bit of backstory, over the summer I was burdened with multiple kilos of plums, at around this time half of my family went on an extended-family trip and another member left to move to Oxford. So there I was with roughly four kilos of plums, or definitely over 100. I didn’t count them so I’m not actually sure how many there were to start with, but 101 is a nice enough number for an article. If you see any repetitions in this list, pretend you didn’t and move on:

1. Wine: I thought about making Plum wine myself, but then I realised it would take about a year and decided that it wasn’t worth it to be stressing about Plum wine in the same year when I’m supposed to be stressing abou my dissertation. But you could bring it to parties and it’ll most likely work at making you drunk, it might taste awful but hey, it’s student living

2. Jam: I might actually do this one. I’ve never done it before but somethin needs to be done about the Plums I have

3. Plum Sauce: this is the kind of thing you can make when trying to make Plum jam and failing

4. Give some to your friends: who cares if they don’t like Plums.

5. Give some to your enemies: especially if they don’t like Plums.

6. Give some out at a protest: we all heard about the King getting egged in the last year, but can you imagine if he was plummed instead? I think that would be much funnier and more interesting

7. Invite your friends around for a plum fight

8. Make Plum Chutney

9. Scarecrow: I call this one the scarecrow because it involves you standing out in a field with Plums in each outstretched hand to attract birds and become known as ‘The Bird Person of Banbury’ or wherever it is you live

10. Make Plum crumble

11. Sex: did you know that Plums are a powerful aphrodisiac? I didn’t know either, in fact I’m not sure if they are, but it’s worth a shot if you’ve been in a dry spell for a while

12. Make Plum upside-down cake

13. Take some Plums on a summer holiday – nice

14. Bicycle: go around town with a basket of plums in your basket and wave hello to people

15. Do Ten Plum Bowling – bowling but with Plums

16. Take them on a boat ride down the river

17. Take them to a picnic

18. Take them to London

19. Make a Plum-based coconut shy

20. Make Youtube film parodies using the Plums as the main characters

21 Edit 101 pictures of your plums into every frame of the film 101 Dalmatians

22. Edit each plum into historical paintings

23. Make a web series similar to VeggieTales but with the Plums

Want to write for us?

the years start plumming and they don't stop plumming

24. Make song parodies revolving around Plums and then make music videos with the plums‘Here

Plums the Sun’ etc.

25. Post them to the government

26. Post them to the King (makes a change from eggs)

27. Post them to the Emperor of Japan

28. Make a Giuseppe Archimboldo-style painting with actual fruit but all of the fruit is plums – it could look like a night sky maybe or a field of red cabbage.

29. Bicycle: make a bicycle out of plums

30. Fix a skateboard with Plum companions

31. Fix a bike with plums nearby

32. Fix a car with Plums in the toolkit

33. Learn to fix a Lynx Mark 8 helicopter and join the Royal Navy or something

34 Make a Plum brandy

36. Scream into a field

37. Plant a Plum tree – good for the environment

38 Plant more plum trees and have yourself a Plum orchard

39. Use this to crash the price of plums by flushing the market full of them for very cheap

40. Use the wood from the trees to build your own furniture (this might take 100 years)

41. Start a revolution with Plums to poison a high profile political leader

42. End a revolution using Plum pudding to secure your power

43. Become an absolute ruler through plum diplomacy with the ruling classes

44 Have your dictatorship brought down by teenagers (it was inevitable)

45. Watch as your legacy is undone within months and rethink your purpose in life

46. Make a Plum compote

47. Go on the Radio to talk about your experience with plums and how to deal with them

48. Talk to your friends about plums

49. Become the guy that everyone knows as the plum guy

50. Lose your personality to plums

51. Come up with a plum fact every single day

52. Paint your skin purple

53. Put all of the plums in a barrel and sit underneath them with purple skin

54. Get this barrel brought into the bank of england as a gift

55. Sneak out of the barrel and steal several gold bars from the bank of england

56. Get back into the barrel until it gets thrown out

57. Regain your sanity

58 Re-lose your sanity

59. Plums plums plums plums plums plums plums plums

60. Do numbers 38-46 again

61. Freeze some of the plums for next year

62. Make a plum tart

63. Eat 101 plums

64. Drink 101 plums as a smoothie

65. Chill out in your room and listen to music. It’s okay, it’s a lot of Plums but they don’t all have to be used, they’ll return to nature once they’re mouldy as long as you dispose of them properly

66 Panic because some of the plums are starting to get mouldy

67. Oh that one’s turned

68. There goes another one

69. And another

70 Oh no

71. So many Plums being lost here

72. Someone should do something about this

73. I am only one person

74. I can eat a few Plums a day at most…

75. …But not this many continued overleaf if you can imagine such a thing

Image Credit Pixabay (various) and Matt's creepy Instagram (various)

Send content here: lemonpresseditors@yusu.org

35. Argh!

101 USES FOR 101 PLUMS! ﴾there's more!﴿

76. Host a Plum festival

77 Have a plum eating competition at the festival

78. Set up a Plum stall at the festival

79. Sell off some of your Plums

80. Become a large Plum business

81. Increase the price in shares of your plums

82 Become the Mark Zuckerberg of Plums

83. Have a rival climb the ladder to become the Elon Musk of plums

84. Have a boxing match with the Elon Musk of Plums

85. Write a Lemon Press article about things to do with 101 plums - Hello.

86. Write many more Lemon Press articles about other things – come join us!

87. Condense half of your plums into an infinitely dense point creating a mini black hole

88. Use this mini black hole to get rid of your other plums by just chucking them in

89. Get rid of the any rubbish that you have in it

90. Contribute to the heat death of the universe

91. Somehow get rid of the black hole (you’re on your own on this one I’m a humanities student)

92. Become a victim of cancel culture because you created a black hole that could have destroyed the earth

93. Leave civilisation for a month or two

94 Redeem your own reputation by selling some more of that Plum Jam that you made earlier

95. Have I mentioned eating them yet?

With all of these fantastic ways to use plums why not take some from me, please. Just take some.

Please.

Matt Davis

Image Credit Pixabay (various)

Contributor

How to tell a woman from a man

Gender politics in this country is going too far. We already have neutral baby rooms, lipstick shades and political alignments, and now the woke want us to be okay with gender neutral identities, pronouns and toilets.

Wokay, wokay, we need to stop right there According to scientists, brain cells across the world are only getting smaller, so this level of gender confusion will leave less room for the government to deal with more pressing issues such as dancing to “I’m just Ken” or not giving a shit about students. Now since I know it is harder to decipher gender in modern society, here is a brief guide on how to tell a woman from a man:

1 They like really enjoyed the Barbie movie

2. They don't rest their arms on men's shoulders: Obviously there is a force field preventing women from putting their arms there and if your woman in question has broken that force field that is proof she is, in fact, a man.

3. They don’t grow any form of body hair that isn’t on their face/head: This one can be hard to detect so you better get your sleuth cap on and your magnifying glass out. The best way to see if a woman has body hair, is to trick her into going to bed with you. As a presumably white male, this shouldn’t be hard Tell her you like Pride and Prejudice You then need to build a pair of glasses with ultra vision, so the smallest hairs can be seen on the woman’s body before you go through with the sex bit The glasses will have a self-destruct button, so if you spot anything, you can get out of the situation quickly and efficiently.

4. You can also tell her gender identity from the clothes she wears. Luckily, for you in the history of women’s fashion, pockets have never existed You must hope that her birthday is soon so you can sew her a dress from scratch with pockets, to see how she reacts If she is indifferent, her true gender identity will be male.

An extended account of these tips can be found under Section 10000 69 of the UK government’s statute. We hope that this information will be the first stepping stone in identifying a new group of people that are making it difficult to be comfortable with toxic masculinity and hating women for whatever they do

WHY IS EVERYTHING MEASURED THE SAME WAY NOW!?

When you talk to the average person on the street not a single one of them knows the size of a sheep It’s ridiculous! It’s not even that hard to remember, it’s just four and-a-bit chickens multiplied by two. Chickens of course are sixteen dormice or twelve field voles. Dormice are twenty or so flies and flies are fortyfour midges. Midges are practically indivisible making them the universal standard measurement... OR AT LEAST THEY WOULD BE IF ANYONE IN THIS COUNTRY HAD SEEN A PLOUGH IN THEIR LIVES. I just want to measure things in fleas, flies, dormice and chickens but NO because of some kind of Laws I have to use the metric system which fundamentally goes against my values and more importantly makes me irrepressibly angry whenever I have to use them. I mean what is a gram? A gram, that’s not tied down to anything that doesn’t mean anything at all on its own and has to be given meaning by some bureaucrats in Westminster who want to control every little detail of our lives. These politicians are so detached I’m not even sure if they’ve ever been on a tractor apart from for a brief PR photoshoot to try and make themselves pretend to be farmers to be more likeable to the people out there. We are not fooled y’know? We know that you don’t actually know how to drive a tractor let alone use a combine harvester. I think if more politicians and MPs spent more than a few hours in the great agricultural fields of this beautiful country of Britain, the whole world would be hugely improved

And don’t get me started on decimalisation I can tell you that’s what got this whole thing started. First they came for our shillings and farthings and pennies well actually not pennies but you get the idea. Then they came for our measurements. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW HOW MUCH SOMETHING COSTS IF IT’S ALL MADE OUT OF PERCENTAGES OF 100 HMM!? EXACTLY It just doesn’t make sense really if you actually think about it. The world was much better when we had the barter system in place and we all actually knew what we were trading with, what we were literally dealing with here. Now we have to deal with made up symbols and made up numbers on a screen. NOT BEST PLEASED ACTUALLY I think these developments are going in the complete wrong direction to where we should be going. We should have so many chickens for so many pieces of wood for so many hours to make a piece of jewellery or something I’m pretty sure that’s how the barter system worked and I’m pretty sure that it worked just fine for thousands of years of human civilization (why does it keep autocorrecting to the American way of spelling it) and there’s pretty much no reason as to why we chose to stop doing it!

Right anyway, I’ve got to be at the pub where my opinions will not be silenced and I can talk about all of this there without people stopping me!

Barry Stern

Your future is in one of these pages

P&S Hobbies & Models

Like fucking fort knox

Went in with my nephew looking for a Messerschmitt 109-E, got frisked by the security (?) and placed on an airport X-ray scanner to make sure I wasn't carrying any dangerous weapons. The inside is almost completely dark except for the thin slits of light managing to seep through the gaps in the bars on the windows. I've had nightmares each and every night since about being locked in a giant's cock cage; absolutely cannot recommend.

ONE STAR

Ava Young's house

Bizarre and terrifying

@frankdalliard

I think that it's the new model for the new concentration camp, where the camp has been built by the inmate herself, and the inmate is the guard, and she has this pride in this thing that she's built she's built her own prison and so she exists in a state of schizophrenia where she is both guard and prisoner. And as a result she no longer has having been lobotomized the capacity to leave the prison she's made or even to see it as a prison.

FIVE STARS

The Long Bench

A constant companion

@andregregory

Since my wife passed I've been really rather lonely. We moved to this city years ago but I never got round to making friends of my own and my old friendships have all withered away. I have no-one to talk to; no-one to confide in. Until now. I would be lost without the long bench. It's sturdiness and gargantuan length have supported me since my wife passed and I'm all the happier for it. I am beginning to suspect that bench cares for me too. I wish I had never married that woman; this bench was the one for me.

FIVE STARS

We value the inherent beauty in violence

@adamberry

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Just two hours north of London by rail, the city of York hold 1900 years ' worth of history in its ancient walls. Here are a few reviews of local businesses...

New Dance Moves for Cricket

Cricket season has led to loads of people putting on their whites and showing people their best dance moves relating to the sport. Here are my suggestions for a few more:

Clutching the shin. For this move you jump up and down clutching your shin and saying ouch This should be done in the event of an LBW where you imagine how much it would hurt had the batter not been wearing shin pads

Jogging on the spot. This is exactly what it says it is and is just a way to get a little bit of exercise whilst you ' re watching the game - you could also do this if someone gets ' run out'.

Hitting yourself in the face. If a batter hits the wicket then the best course of action is to stand up, hit yourself in the face, and then sit down.

Nothing Why does this sport have dance moves at all? You don't see swimming fans holding their breath for the duration of a race whilst flailing their arms around in a pale imitation of a front crawl, so why are there point-based dance moves in cricket?

Matt Davis

Sports You Can Do Using This Magazine:

Every now and then it's good to have something interactive in the magazine you ' re reading that isn't just a crossword or soduku, that's why we ' ve given you a list of different sports to do with this magazine:

Competitive BMX Riding with TLP Strapped to the Wheels: this may mean that you might not move and/or die but you at least get to run over your least favourite contributor's article in a moment of totally unreal hating

Miniature Tennis: use one page as a net, scrunch one page into a ball and turn two more pages into rackets. Voila! You have yourself an eco-friendly and non-sexual swordfight!

Sober Beer Pong: this requires the same balls that you used for tennis but you throw them into cups of water and drink them if you win Some people may think this is a bit sad and anticlimatic but we say whatever gets people's daily dose of satire in is worth temporarily losing face over

Zorbing: a lot of people think this is a sex thing (which it should be) but it can actually double up as a way to consume TLP with just the amount of self awarness it was intended to elicit - zero.

Matt & Ava

Image credit: Ava Young

Remembering Vince the Vole: the Second Worst Controversial Figure We've Published Since We Rickrolled Julie Bindel Last Year

Vince the Vole, the controversial rat thing that's given us some fresh insights (and extremely politically incorrect/fascist opinions) over the past couple years, has now handed in his towel, gun, badge, state secrets and 'backdoor virginity' (that's the way he put it, don't ask us for an explanation we have no idea) over to The Lemon Press to start his life anew elsewhere Here we 'celebrate' the polarising icon and bid him goodbye.

Vince the Vole Poached by Saudi Student Satire Paper

Alas and alack! Everyone’s favourite tough-talking Cockney aquatic mammal has left The Lemon Press

Where once he imparted wry wisdom and witty Sabb Officerrelated repartee to the people ofYork, Vince will now be plying his trade in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia. When approachedby TLP sources, Vincent assured them he was excited to face new challenges in the world of Saudi journalism, stating that he was much less afraid of beheading than he had been of getting on the wrong side of YUSU. He also took us aside to heavily and unambiguously imply that he was looking forward to getting a lot of very homophobic opinions off his chest We are told that Vince’s contract includes assurances that he will be provided with a solid gold nest (where the fuck do voles live?) and all the crickets he could eat (I also don’t know what voles eat).

Much like his equivalent in the world of football, Cristiano Ronaldo, Vince is often called the GOAT of satire; this is largely due to a number of people really not knowing what a vole actually is.

Eddie Atkinson

Final comments on Vince the Vole:

"Everything he ever said was completely true, correct and brilliant If you didn't understand him you should k-word yourself." - An anonymous (Matt Davis) source

"He was controversial but entertaining to listen to " - Eddie Atkinson

"He was the 'literally me ' of The Lemon Press universe." - our incel fans

"He brough us clicks and views and that's what matters the most to us, regardless of what he's actually saying and how much harm it could cause. " - the people who put Piers Morgan's face on the front of a bus next to The Sun with 0 regrets

"He fucked my girlfriend I hope he dies." - Adam Berry

"He fucked my boyfriend I hope he dies." - Ava Young

We fare thee well Vince the Vole, you strange creature from the scabbier and underfunded parts of London (the non-Oxford bit) Sincerely, 28

The Star Signs as Different Random Things from B&M

Aries: a children’s toy that looks like a rip off of Applejack from My Little Pony but with eerily human features (soulless eyes, human mouth, an asshole???).

Taurus: an egg cup holder that’s far too small to hold an egg but far too ceramic to be used as a makeshift DivaCup, presumably a misplaced item from a child’s tea set.

Gemini: a slap bracelet with “princess <3” written on it in Barbie pink.

Cancer: a glowing glob of goo with eerily human features (eyes, mouth, asshole).

Leo: a biscuit tin with actual biscuits in it (ready to disappoint at a moment’s notice).

Virgo: a phallic-looking bubble wand.

Libra: a dog crate that’s so impossibly large it couldn’t possibly be for a dog.

Scorpio: a glowing blue orb that never comes with the fucking batteries.

Sagittarius: a tiny electric whisk that breaks after one blast (the jokes write themselves).

Capricorn: a wooden plaque with “live, laugh, love this kitchen” on it that you buy for your mother on Mother’s Day but she never hangs it up because it’s just really shit.

Aquarius: a book that costs one pound that has a photo of a horse and a white woman on it that is somehow always in print but never being purchased?

Pisces: a gun

Letters to the Editor...

Dear Editor,

I was reading this issue of this magazine and found a lot of pictures of a bench Very cool! I love benches! My favourite one was the really long one. Just thought you should know!

Ben Che

Dear Editor,

Ava Young

I was reading your highbrow magazine in between giving lectures on mathematical theory and noticed something peculiar that I couldn’t help but to mention. In your last issue you had a long article on numbers between 1 and 20, I read it thrice over and was disappointed to find that you restricted yourself to mere integers instead of looking at the entire range of numbers between 1 and 20

I was particularly disappointed to see that you did not include my favourite number, 3.5. I know you said you “didn’t know” a lot about numbers (as we can all tell) but even then the fact that you even left out Pi, the most well known irrational number, means I can no longer support this magazine. As such I will not be reading this magazine again until you improve your standards regarding your knowledge of numbers.

Dr. A. Rithmetic

First Bus Origin Story: A Poem

Come around listen to the marvellous story

Of the first bus of First Bus

A tell that leads to such great glory

And one you can certainly trust.

It starts one-thousand years ago

When people lived on hills, But struggled to get around a bit

And so they remained still.

That was when Sam Bus came in

With a great idea, “How about some kind of

transport

To get us from there to here?”

The people called him stupid,

And well maybe he was, But still he tried to make this work

Or else he would be lost.

He strapped some wheels to wood

And that wood to each other

To make the very First Bus With cloth out there to smother

The wood

So that the vehicle would move

He found a pair of goats

And then put them into the wheels

To push the wheeled boat

Losing Threads

But goats are often lazy And that is often why The 66 is often late I couldn’t tell a lie.

Matt Davis

Haiku on Timing

Really can’t be bothered

What the fuck is a deadline

Oh I missed it. Shit.

Ben Brown (speaking from past experiences)

I lost my train of thought when Twitter changed to X

Was left which just the thought that I’d be better off dead

But a heavenly light shone down on me

A heavenly light named Threads

I was the first on Mastodon

The last beast from before

Up came zuck and fixed it up

With Meta Apps galore

Now I pray to Lord Zuckerberg

Under my BlueSky [Ed. that was made by that other guy]

But still when I’m alone sometimes

Feel sad that Twitter died

Hey you! Yes you! You finished Issue 57 of The Lemon Press. That's quite something.

We think you should reward yourself by joining in by becoming a member through our YUSU web page and sending content in to our email:

Lemonpresseditors@yusu.org

We'd love to have you on board writing articles that only YOU could write.

Matt Davis

but we'll be back later

Image Credit: Adam Berry