Issue 58 - The Lemon Press by The Lemon Press

Let's GOOOO

Editors' Introduction

Oh, you talking to me?

Haha sorry guys we just wanted to increase your cringe tolerance a bit before you read this edition of TLP. We've got some juicy content for you – we’re unafraid to ask the most pressing questions from “what can you ﬁnd in the cuck store?” to “what happened to France’s bedbugs?” to “who shat my pants????” Whatever’s on your mind, we assure you we can make you feel worse about it. Because that's just what we do. We couldn’t write the editor’s intro without mentioning our “Event of the Year: The Lemon Press not in collaboration with the Norman Rea Gallery”, this December 14th, 6-10pm. We have everything for you: XL bully dog rally, lights, Adam and Ava’s two year anniversary, a DJ, a sofa, art that means nothing, free wine, a seance???????? Whatever your expectations are, reduce them by 20% and you’ll have a blast. We put about £40 into this so you can take a good guess at the kind of quality you’re going to get. We really really hope you enjoy this issue, but if you don’t we don’t gaf. We recently both moved to Idgaﬁstan and we’re enjoying not caring about the consequences of our actions – call it our “joker arc” if you will. Nonetheless, In the only space left in the magazine we would like to say a massive thank you to everyone who joined us this semester, we loved you guys and, if push came to shove, we’d die for you, too. As for the rest of you, you really should sign up, we've got big things coming in the new year... Lots of love, Your fellow soy boy beta males Matt “the Davis” Davis and Ava xoxo We are so back!

Contents pp 3‐8 pp 9‐12 pp 13 pp 14‐16 pp 17‐20 pp 21‐22 pp 23‐26 pp 27‐28 pp 29‐30

Campus News & Politics In Memoriam Lifestyle Arts Science & Tech Features Sports Poems

The Lemon Press Staff Editors: Ava Young & Matt Davis Sub Editors: Ava Young, Adam Berry & Eddie Atkinson Campus Editors: Matt Davis News & Politics Editors: Cameron Stenhouse Lifestyle Editor: Ava Young Science & Tech Editors: Hal Muxlow-Fisher Arts Editors: Eddie Atkinsont Features Editors: Adam Berry Sports Editors: Oscar Rowen Chief Illustrator: Maisie Hemmings (Front Cover) Illustrators: Adam Berry(Back Cover & Various), Cameron Stenhouse (Inside Cover & Various), Matt Davis (Various), Ava Young(Various) Zoe Redding (Various), Ben Brown(Various) President: Eddie Atkinson Treasurer: Matt Davis Secretary: Ava Young Social Media Editor: Cameron Stenhouse Webmaster: Hal Muxlow-FIsher Ordinary Members: Adam Berry & Ben Brown Contributors: Dan Gordon-Potts, Oscar Rowen, Will Rowan, Group D, Ben Brown, Louie McVey, Joe Best, Daniel Taylor, Zoe Redding, Barry Stern, Elon Musk, Grimes, The Most Sand Redditor, Matt Plastics, Iona Chisholm, Eleni [redacted], Helena Short, Max Latchman, Maisie Hemmings Contact the editors at: lemonpresseditors@yusu.org Contact the society at: lemonpress@yusu.org Disclaimer: No facts or actual attributable quotations are published in this satirical magazine. Produced 26th November

Contents

She send me news until she lemon press on her paper

Philosophy Student Suffers over Self‐ Certifications A philosophy student has demanded that self-certifications be self-certified. “Where does the self-certification derive its certification from?” they questioned. “If it is from the self, the self-certification must be self-certified. However, that self-certification for the selfcertification must also be self-certified.” The student has pondered the need for an infinite number of self-certifications to be ready on every University student’s account. But surely, they reasoned, an infinite number of selfcertifications would crash all of the university computers, preventing them from watching their favourite ‘cheese and wine’ YouTube videos? When it came to their exams this philosophy student applied for exceptional circumstances; their medical condition being listed as ‘obsessively philosophising over self-certifications.’ Sadly, their application was rejected by the university. However, some professors in the Philosophy department were dismayed, questioning whether the meaning of ‘exceptional’ could be defined. Their argument is that ‘exceptional' is a subjective term, so the poor student was rejected purely based on the whimsical opinions of the university rather than on an objective basis. Meanwhile, with the aid of professors from the ‘applied ethics’ module, the philosophy student is weighing up whether it is moral or just to mount a lawsuit against the university. In the meantime, other ‘applied ethics’ philosophers are weighing up whether it is moral or just to help the student weigh up whether it is moral or just to mount a lawsuit against the University. Strangely, Philosophers of time are nowhere to be seen. The case continues. Daniel Taylor

Egyptology soc has faced tense discussions with YUSU after social goes too far. The relatively new society is currently defending its credibility following some extreme fun, including lots of sand (as you might expect). It was reported that they were making a miniature pyramid inside of Spring Lane during one of their non-alcoholic get-togethers, the sobriety makes this all the more concerning. As an innocent passerby just finishing their study sesh upstairs walked by, their attention was caught after a lot of moans and groans were heard. After a questionably perverted search for the source of this sound, they were greeted with a possibly equally disturbing scene as to the one they were expecting. The members were seemingly burying someone under a structure they were labouring up within one of the seminar rooms (I can commend them on trying to use the limited space at least?). Although they were recreating a tomb, thankfully no body was found at the scene. They were told to chuck the tonnes of sand out of the window once the (snitch) student informed a member of staff. In a strange coincidence, the Derwent building site had lost some of its materials, I cannot confirm or deny this speculation. Now I’m not sure who I feel worse for, the person who was almost buried, the first year who found it all, or the cleaners who are inevitably going to be working overtime because of this whole thing. Fortunately for Egyptology, they have been allowed to resume usual, albeit less intense, scheduling where their most recent gathering was an escape room. Thankfully no one actually locked the doors… Maisie Hemmings

Campus

A lovely way to start

we got lemon press issue 58 before gta 6

Campus Geese to be Used in an Attempt to Fight Check‐In Misuse Following reports that students who can’t be bothered to show up to lectures are texting their friends for the check-in codes, the university is considering new measures to tighten up the system. A spokesperson for the Human Resources department said that Check-In had given them the perfect opportunity to diversify their operations: ‘The Academic Registrar has asked us to solve this issue in the most cost-effective way possible. Rather than occupy staff time with enforcement, we have decided to think outside our traditional remit of Human Resources. Following discussions with the grounds team, we can confirm that, effective immediately, any student who falsifies their attendance at a lecture in this way will be honked all the way to Nisa by a family of highly trained geese, who will only leave them alone once the student has purchased a sufficient quantity of birdseed. We consider this to offer better value for money for the university than conventional disciplinary measures.’ A Freedom of Information request enquiring about the cost of this scheme was rejected on cost grounds. By Max Latchman, Check‐in correspondent

Viking Raid Cancelled for 2024 Intake After Freshers ‘Took it Too Literally’ The legendary Freshers ‘Viking Raid’ has been cancelled for the 2024 intake, according to University ofﬁcials, after reports of students taking their Viking title “too literally” and pillaging central York shops. “It just isn’t sustainable”, one UoY representative commented. “We can’t afford to keep paying the cost of reparations, especially with the cost of living crisis”. Students are notably disappointed, losing their one chance in the year to destroy things and steal from the rich. One student, who wished to remain anonymous, told us “I had fun letting it all loose before uni started and living the true viking way. After all, we ARE in York”. The Lemon Press attempted to reach out to a real life Viking for comment, but couldn’t understand their Scandinavian response. Oscar Rowen

Image Credit: Max Latchman

"This place is not a place of honour. No highly esteemed deed is commemorated here. Nothing valued is here."‐ Future Nuclear Waste Storage Architects Inspired by Campus West. Speaking to the press today, architects behind proposed repositories of nuclear waste revealed their inspirations: ‘Our job is to design a place where no human would possibly want to go, where it feels like even the air wants to kill you. As former students, we wanted to return to our roots’. ‘We felt like the overwhelming aura of dread that you feel stepping foot in there was perfect for warning future life to steer clear. The radioactive wildlife helps too. I mean, you remember that massive duck?!". Joe Best Desecrated Nuclear Wasteland(left) pictured alongside Derwent College (right)

Image Credit: Joe Best

Viking raid can get deadly

Campus

our audience is like an open relationship...

First Bus to be abolished, replaced instead with new wild form of transport

Student Centre to be Scrapped in Favour of New Project

Too many failures in service, fares and general business led to the downfall of the bus operator. But from the ashes rises a phoenix – the horse and carriage. A new way of getting the masses around outside of cars and whatever the fuck a dial-aride is, the horse and carriage can carry up to 6 members of the gentry and 2 members of the working class on the undercarriage.

Charlie Jeffrey, in an exclusive interview with The Lemon Press, revealed that the Student Centre would no longer be going ahead, timing the announcement perfectly to coincide with people just starting to believe that it could have been executed properly.

This may seem impractical but let’s be 100% real here it’ll probably still be more reliable than the bus, plus it’s ecofriendly. Only one type of emission is produced by the horse and carriage, which is completely biodegradable so you won’t have to worry about any of those loony Just Stop Oil protesters glueing themselves to the road to delay your journey, or your EV battery blowing up like an Elon Musk-crafted IED. You really can’t lose with a horse and carriage, the future is now. Louie McVey

Recently Uncovered Documents Suggest That the University of York Was Made by Mistake A folder of important documents was discovered beneath the rubble of the recently demolished IT services building by one of the workers, who then handed them to some higher up or whatever. The building, along with the security centre and the student administration building, were being demolished to make way for the very important and inexplicably necessary Student Centre.

Charlie said that instead of a huge concrete ‘W’ in the University of York skyline, there would be ‘Network York’ for student societies to work in. When pushed for details on the ‘Network York’ project it was revealed that it would be a network of tunnels and caves for societies and student groups to work in. Charlie Jeffrey gave this quote, ‘I think this sends the right message to our student groups, that we care about you so much that we think you deserve to work in good conditions scurrying around underground instead of having a student centre. It’s what people want I think, no one’s really asked.’ He said that it was especially good for York Student Television because ‘wires go underground and YSTV like wires.’ Matt Davis

Charlie Jeffery gets Instagram, immediately DMs us

Inside the folder there were a series of pre-school children’s drawings with the teacher’s instruction, ‘Draw the ugliest buildings you can think of!’. These drawings must have been misinterpreted as architectural plans by the City of York, who then meticulously followed the snotty drawings and built what is now Campus West. This would then suggest to us that the university was made entirely by mistake. This suggestion is also substantiated by mathematical logic. If we assume that the university was made intentionally, we are immediately faced with the contradiction ‘then why do all the buildings look like that’. When faced with a contradiction we must then deduce, with the law of the excluded middle, that the negation of the initial premise is true, i.e. that the university was indeed made unintentionally. So, what does this mean for the students and staff that study and work here? How the fuck would I know? Adam Berry Children's Drawing and Youtube Logo Image Credit (opposite): Flickr 5

Campus

Image credit: Adam Berry and, to some extent, Louie McVey

First Charlie Jeffrey's fridge

...it's not real

Everyone stop shortening ‘vice‐chancellor’ to VC! I’m a war veteran and I keep thinking Charlie Jeffery is the Viet Cong. Have you ever been put on disciplinary probation for screaming in the abject terror of relived trauma at the mention of a friendly game of ping-pong amongst senior university management? Because I have, and it’s not fun. Hi, I’m Chuck McBaldeagle, and I fought for my flag, freedom, and the economic interest of a major neo-colonial power in sweet old ‘Nam. I came over here to Yorkshire because I heard you had an unnaturally long duck and I wondered if these lengthening properties could be used in chemical warfare. However, I was disgusted to find that absolutely none (well not all) of the students here had had the formational experience which made me the man I am today, namely the manipulation of their naivety by a belligerent government to create an unstoppable patriotic fervour that drove them to terrible war crimes and to the witnessing of unimaginable horrors. But I have hope! I am calling on all York students to join me in resisting the VC once more! Jump in the chopper! Play ‘Fortunate Son’ on the loudspeakers! Contemplate the nature of innocence while you lay down your life in a war you don’t understand! [The Lemon Press would like to clarify that they don’t encourage anyone to declare war on any major organisational figures at the University, especially not big Chaz himself] Eddie Atkinson

Levelling‐Up Coming to York: Campus West to Get a Greggs! “Mmmm I want Gregg in me” some student, deﬁnitely in the context of this topic. Saussy rolls and pastries are ﬁnally coming to one of the most deprived areas of the country Derwent K block. It would be more appropriate to have a giant Greggs in Gregg’s place wouldn’t it? Like imagine it, a giant multi-story car park instead of that fountain. Wayyyy better than the world’s biggest plastic lake (actually that’s no longer true - there’s way more plastic in the ocean). Anyway, is this true? No. Did I lie? Yes. But what did you expect from a free magazine with a lemon on the cover? Cameron Stenhouse

Next, the world

Image Credit: Ben Brown

First Year Birth Years Are Later Than Ever and I’m Uncomfortable

The later the birth year of the ﬁrst years continues to creep, the more we lose our sanity. After realising the most recent freshers were in fact born in 2005, I’ve been spiralling. (The author acknowledges this would’ve been more apt in the ﬁrst issue of this academic year, but hey, we all have our downfalls. Please don’t be mean, I’m sensitive okay!!!). In light of this terrifying realisation though, I have collected some fun facts to make us all feel old: Hurricane Katrina happened 23 August 2005 – 31 August 2005. I’m restraining myself from making a horrendous Vine reference, but I’ll leave that for someone in a decade’s time. James Blunt was at the top of the UK charts in 2005 with ‘You’re Beautiful’. Thanks, James, you’ll make me blush! Not only was YouTube itself founded, but the cursed production of ‘Charlie the Unicorn’ also graced the platform in this year. Top names of 2005 included: Emma, Emily, Isabella, Olivia, Hannah, Matthew, Jack, Joshua, Thomas, and James. So, if you have any of these, I recommend a quick, yet stern phone call home to complain about the originality your parents clearly don’t possess. The Prime Minister was Tony Blair [TLP has no quip for this fact, please no paparazzi]. Maisie Hemmings

Campus

shadowbanning is temporary, swag is forever

Alcuin Students Crochet Scarves for Campus Geese

YUSU Introduces the new ‘YORMUM’ Roasting Service:

Do you ever lie tucked up in your bed at night, wishing for sweet dreams of cheaper First Bus tickets, but ﬁnd your mind is plagued by the horrible thought of the geese by the campus lakes, freezing out there in the bitterly cold wintery darkness? After suffering countless sleepless nights from those very thoughts, a group of Alcuin students decided it was time to take action. Their response: crocheting scarves for the geese. This week, The Lemon Press interviewed the group whilst they were hosting one of their crafting sessions at the Alcuin Café. Lucy, who founded the project, described the initiative as being “warming all round – heartwarming for us, neck warming for the geese”. Sophie, another fellow crocheter, explained how distribution challenges had been overcome. “Getting the scarves on the geese can be quite a challenge, so we feed them fermented berries, which make them quite dozy and a little bit tipsy! That way they stop biting your hands and it is easier to wrap them up warm in their cute little scarf!”. The group estimates that up to 40% of campus geese have already donned red and green scarves, with production continuing to ramp up as the temperatures plummet. It is evident that the geese are fast becoming the new icons of the university, dethroning the Long Boi imposter from his pedestal. Goose merch will be hitting the YUSU store within a matter of days and a children’s book series – “The Glamorous Geese of Heslington East” – is currently being written. Hal Muxlow‐Fisher

In another brilliant use of funds, YUSU is proud to announce YORMUM, the all new for students, by students automatic maternal figure insulting service. A unique blend of AIgenerated and handwritten content is the driving force behind these on-demand roasts. “We didn’t really have many concrete ideas to make this happen,” quips YUSU president Pierrick, “until one day when I was browsing Twit- er… X, I mean, I came across these HILARIOUS videos by this guy called Brody Foxx and I was like ‘Holy Smokes the Uni needs this! It literally has the overused YOR- joke in it!’” After bringing the idea to the table, the other sabbatical officers were supposedly ‘blown away’ by the originality, and immediately made calls to bring the dream into reality. How does it actually work? According to some poster I found on the floor outside the Vanbrugh JCR, if you ever found yourself in need of a ‘Your Mum’ joke then just call 01904 652210 and a mysterious voice will echo its finest roast down the line. Here are some of the examples from when I called: - “Your momma is so ugly she made One Direction go another direction.” - “Yo momma is so stupid she climbed over a glass wall to see what was on the other side.” - “Yo momma is so fat, when she sat on an iPod, she made the iPad!” Rumour has it that these are the previous Nightline members looking for alternative late night employment. God help them. Ben Brown

Department of Chemistry’s Time Capsule Project Will See Student Preserved in Liquid Nitrogen

As part of a new scheme documenting chemical advances throughout the past century, the Department of Chemistry will be creating a time capsule in the coming weeks, to be opened in one hundred years. It is hoped that the capsule’s contents will provide a valuable insight into the present-day life of the Department for future generations. A considerable number of artefacts have been earmarked for preservation, including an old toilet utilised by visiting Nobel Prize winners, a seat cushion from lecture theatre C/ A/101, and a standard issue databook. It is not just inanimate objects that are set to feature – there are plans to bestow the honour of becoming part of the Department for the next century to an undergraduate student. The first student to break some glassware in the teaching laboratories next month will be escorted from the laboratory via the rear fire exit, before being lowered into the huge tank of liquid nitrogen behind the labs, where they will be frozen and preserved by the -196 °C temperature. It is envisaged that by 2123 scientific advancements will enable the student to be freed from their hibernation, so that they can be a living museum piece, sharing the history of the Department with future students.

Image Credit: Immaculate Conception

Hal Muxlow Fisher 7

Campus

Yormum's so fat she...

you're telling me a sub edited this?

Is your mate/flatmate/housemate/soulmate secretly an agent of the CCP? HOW TO SPOT THEM AND KEY SIGNS TO LOOK OUT FOR

With a CCP spy network now entrenched in UK universities, it is more important than ever to keep your wits about you. With this in mind (and to the great disappointment of the newly appointed foreign secretary, David Cameron), we at MI5 have produced this list of key signs for students in the UK to watch out for. Literature: Have you ever seen them disseminating copies of the Little Red Book? Do they have a copy of the Little Red Book in their room? If you don’t have time to look through their bookshelf, do they own any red books (especially small ones)? Do they own any books (especially small red ones)? Do they have any other redcoloured left-leaning publications? Examples to watch out for include Labour Party manifestos, the Mirror and York Vision. Have we mentioned the Little Red Book yet? News sources: Do they quote from reliable news stories? Do they get their news from trustworthy news outlets such as the BBC, MailOnline and the Daily Express? Or do they look to mouthpieces of hostile states, such as the People’s Daily, the Xinhua News Agency and the Evening Standard? Leaving the house: With rumours of secret CCP police stations in key UK cities, does anything about their behaviour suggest that they may be regularly reporting to one? Do they leave the house more than once a week? Have they ever been to the town centre? Do they have any friends? Geography & History: Do they shoot a quizzical look in your direction whenever you mention Taiwan? Do they regale you with stories of how absolutely nothing happened in central Beijing on the 4th of June 1989… then have no explanation for why they are so obsessed about that particular date? Winnie-the-Pooh: Does this infinitely huggable bear from the Hundred Acre Wood… The rest of this advertorial has been removed at the request of the VC, for fear of disrupting valuable collaborations with the university’s research partners. Max Latchman Image Credit (left): Maisie Hemmings (below): Adam Berry

nevermind

Campus

Lemon press announcement: B&M filled with gonks, i feel sick

He is Risen! The second coming of Christ is here, and it's a bit of a let down.

Rory Stewart’s Speech On ‘Hedgehog Troubles’ Reignites Conflict in Northern Ireland

Like a shit King Arthur, returning from a magical land (France) when Britain is most in need of someone to a fuck a pig, David Troubles 2: Electric boogaloo, hedgehog wars. Rory Stewart’s Cameron has returned. inflammatory comments years ago in parliament have echoed Were we expecting it? No. Are we pleasantly surprised? No. around the world and finally reached the republican hedgehogs who have taken up arms. Even more unfortunately (tricky I know) the Lemon Press can “This is a feckin outrage” Says Gerry Adams, in hedgehog form. exclusively reveal that Mr Cameron is in fact the latest cover “This spits in the face of the Good Friday agreement- which said name of Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ himself (having gone all members of the IRA [Irish Rodent Army] would not face a a bit insane with the whole immortality thing), who has been prickly situation”. These hedgehog militants have denied their living undercover across the globe for two millenia, leaving a trail involvement in blowing up Rishi Sunak’s bird house, stating of precarious elections and monstrous pig-human hybrids behind “fuck you we’re hedgehogs”. him. Rory Stewart has yet to comment on the matter, but TLP has Keen scholars of Biblical texts or anyone who has ever been speculated what he might say while he would be brushing his trapped by an evangelist at a bus-stop will know that this second teeth: coming does sort of mean the Apocalypse is approaching, but key “Shua shua shua *spits* terrorists *gargles* Alastair Campbell, political commentators have added that really the world ending pay me”. in a fiery blaze of God’s fury sounds quite a lot nicer than the Well, what a statement. What a man. He keeps going on about current option of the oceans slowly boiling under the pressure of Alastair Campbell not paying him for his podcast and humanity’s own capitalistic hubris. threatening to illegally invade his back garden. What a shit. The coming armageddon also bodes well for Mr Cameron’s Cameron Stenhouse political career; it will be tricky for the new foreign secretary to cause international crises once the very concept of nationhood Rating Members of the Cabinet Based on has been dissolved in the righteous acid of God’s judgement. The Holy Father is also looking to solve the issue of Dave being How Much Babies’ Adrenochrome they Could Drink technically unelected (he’s not the MP of anywhere) by restoring him to his original title of King of Kings; it's fair to say that still You never know when you’ll need to know this right? Like isn’t a democratic position but it does sound a bit cooler. The realistically as Murphy’s law states “whatever can happen will title has also diminished in power a bit since its glory days, now happen”. And as Cole’s Law states “shredded carrots and cabbage only giving him dominion over King Charles, a few random in mayonnaise”. Spanish people in a big house, and a couple of Oxbridge colleges. You may wonder what Adrenochrome is. Well according to some Whatever your opinions on political accountability, corruption, or scientists (Q Anon conspiracy theorists) it’s what the elite drink whether Miss Piggy is a MILF, it’s good to know that there is no to maintain their satanic powers. It’s harvested from children more need to worry about the global political situation, because apparently.Anyway, if the circumstances transpired and we find there is nothing we can do! Spend your days confessing your sins out that this is a new cultish thing the Cabinet have done, this is and in silent prayer! Await Him! Rejoice! Rejoice! Rejoice! my guess of who can drink the most Adrenochrome based on Eddie Atkinson hours of research I should be doing on my dissertation. Rishi Sunak PM: Not even a shot. This guy deffo winces at the smell of petrol, never mind babies blood. Jeremy Hunt: 750ml. As long as it comes in a champagne flute this man’s swirling it on his throat. Suella Braveman: Chug! Chug! Chug! This gal boss is a vampire for the stuff! James Cleverly: He deffo prefers IPAs. Wanker. Michael Gove: He’s Scottish so tell him it’s boiled in a sheep’s stomach and he’ll love it. Penny Mordaunt: What’s MorDaunting is the fact she ONLY drinks Adrenochrome. Yikes. Therese Coffey: I’ll bet you a tenner she’s done a shoey of Adrenochrome Cameron Stenhouse Image Credit: Cameron Stenhouse 9

News & Politics

Rory Stewart has a lofi voice

Isle of Man Privilege

An investigation of Wight Privilege: why are people from the Isle of Wight like that? I’ll start this with a confession: I know nothing about the Isle of Wight; I thought of this pun(?) and as a straight white man I’ve never let lack of knowledge stop me from loudly explaining things to someone and I’m not about to start now. After months of intense research (a brief scan of wikipedia) I can present my findings as to why every single person from the Isle of Wight is a prick (I don’t know anyone from there). They have a place called Cowes, but it’s not run by cows: This just kind of feels like a missed opportunity. If I went to a place called Humanes and not only were humans not in government but they were actively being farmed, milked and eaten I would be a bit concerned. It’s about as Southern as you can get: since the first Ice Age, when the first woolly mammoth took a coach up the ancient M1 from Luton in search of a more affordable ice cave, it has been a truth universally acknowledged that the further South you go the stranger the energy is. The Isle of Wight is so Southern that the people of Portsmouth cut it off from the mainland with a big saw in an effort to maintain their sanity (geologists may debate this but I know it to be true), what more is there to say? The fastest mode of access is hovercraft?!?!? - This is always going to skew the vibes, how am I supposed to take you seriously if travelling to your home feels like I’ve stepped onto a 1960s theme park ride about what the year 2009 will be like (spoilers: there are flying cars but women can’t vote) They call caterpillars Mallyshags - what? Seriously what? And now a look at some of the Isle’s most famous inhabitants: Wet Leg - Good music - why do they talk like Bjork (apparently this is the Isle of Wight accent - I did say I had no idea what I was talking about) Bear Grylls - Bear is not a name and piss is not a drink ‘Concert organist E. Power Biggs’ - Actually I take it all back this is a fucking baller name - Apparently he mastered the three-manual Flentrop tracker organ - GOD thats hot. FUCK. - maybe the world’s not such a bad place Eddie Atkinson

Fury as flip‐flopping Keir Starmer REFUSES to commit to extending HS2 to York Students at the University of York have expressed fury following revelations by TLP’s crack-team of investigative journalists that the Labour Party currently has no plans to extend HS2 to York. Stephen Mallard-Ryder, president of the UoY Trainspotting Society made the following statement. “It’s clear that the government’s policy of levelling up was an empty promise from the outset, ever since Dominic Cummings invented the phrase in an expletive-ridden blog post. Thus, it’s no surprise that the Labour Party has ﬂat-out refused to accept our proposals. “Our white paper High-Speed York sets out a very convincing business case for connecting York to the UK’s high speed network. In short, it centres around making travel easier for us students, which brings economic beneﬁts to the good citizens of York. Probably. I mean, that’s how the government seems to justify things. I know I don’t have any statistics to back this up like they normally do, but who cares? Lies, damned lies and statistics, eh?

“The proposed Heslington Station, to be located in that giant bit of dead space on East Campus between Constantine and the Sports Village, will bring a number of beneﬁts not only to the residents of Heslington and Fulford, but also (more importantly) to the Trainspotting Society. Taking fewer bus journeys to York Station means we have more money to spend on new Hornby sets. Plus, it means we get to ogle at trains which are more exciting than the stuff which currently passes through York.” In related news, a protest group calling themselves Rishi Rebellion have glued themselves to the roof of Central Hall, demanding that the prime minister announce the immediate conversion of all UK rail lines to HS2 speciﬁcations. As part of their protest, they covered the roof in grey paint. Said one protestor, “It was just a bit of bad planning really. We chose grey paint to symbolise the colour of train tracks, but we forgot that the roof was already grey. Also, I kinda want to get down now. You don’t happen to have some Sticky Stuff Remover in your pocket, do you?” Unfortunately, I didn’t. Reporting by Max Latchman

in a hifi world

News & Politics

proudly drinking followon milk since birth

Why Did the British Library Cyber Attacks Have to Happen to Me? I don't know if any of you have heard about this but the British Library has been brought down to being nothing more than some rooms with some books and a few coffee shops after a cyber attack led to the collapse of all of its online services. I wouldn't particularly mind if it wasn't for the fact that I have a dissertation to write and this is really getting in the way. Also the buses to the library reading room in Boston Spa keep getting cancelled, which you'd think would make sense because there surely can't be anything there for me apart from the fact that I ALREADY ORDERED THE DOCUMENTS I NEED. THEY ARE RIGHT THERE. One of the most important things in my academic career, maybe even MY LIFE [what a nerd am I right guys? - Ed.] is being ruined because I don't want to have to spend £80 to get there and back when there is a minibus service that normally gets there and back for free run by the university that for some reason doesn't want to drop everything and become a personal taxi service for me, apparently the only person who has anything already waiting for me at the Reading Room. I don't know why this ransomware group wants to stop me from writing my dissertation, but they've been doing a pretty good job of it. Some kind of weird conspiracy is trying to stop me from writing my little 8000-word document worth 40 credits and I don't like it. Matt Davis

HS2 to Be Replaced With Rail Replacement Bus Service Rishi Sunak has announced that the entirety of the cancelled Manchester HS2 route will be replaced with a single bus. Half of local bus routes serving rural communities in the North will be cut to fund this project. Unfortunately, as part of further ‘efﬁciency savings’, the ‘bus’ is a carriage for two drawn by a very elderly, malnourished horse. This bus will blitz between Birmingham and Manchester once a day, cutting journey times by -10 hours. Rishi Sunak told The Lemon Press: ‘We’re delivering on our commitments to the North of England. Birmingham is in the North and some would argue that Euston is pretty northern too. Let me be clear.’ Will Rowan

New study finds 90% of inter‐male interactions can be boiled down to ‘I think I probably have a larger penis than you and I’d quite like to check’ ‘Oh you can bench 70? I can bench 75. Have you ever felt cold at night and wished I was there to keep you warm?’ Does this conversation sound familiar? Has your impromptu arm-wrestling tournament ever made you feel butterflies the likes of which you’d never thought possible? If not then you are in the minority amongst men (or not a man) according to a new study from yougov. Researchers discovered that almost every unnecessary moment of physical comparison that peppers male interaction made much more sense if taken with an implied ‘and that’s why you should have sex with me’. The study also found that 3% of male conversations are frank discussions about gum maintenance: this is completely unconnected to the rest of the article but flossing is an often neglected aspect of dental health and you feel it’s important to tell your mates, well done you. The remaining 7% of male socialisation is of course awkward post-coital interaction - it's finally happened, deep down you’ve known it would for years no matter how much you fought it. What do you do now? Take some time to come to terms with your own identity and reflect on whether your past homophobia was in fact a manifestation of your struggles with your own sexuality? Probably not. Best to never speak of it again and avoid eye contact at the next rugby social. Apparently Chuffers (/Jonesy/Craigbot/Greg the Spoon) just broke his deadlift PB. Eddie Atkinson

News & Politics

Faster service than HS2

The Starmer Content is back

French bedbugs deported to Rwanda Our glorious nation is under attack from a foreign threat from those fuckers on the mainland, our eternal enemies – the French – have devised a new way to try and lure us back to the teat of the European Union: rapid delivery of bedbugs via the Chunnel and incredibly small boats. Home Secretary Suella Braverman has said that, “we need to keep our bedbugs british-grown, and need to repel these foreigners back to their native homeland – Rwanda, it really bugs me how this hurricane of bed-bound benefit claimers has swept across the Chunnel in the clothes of the unwashed masses of the French public”. The Home Office announced some measures being taken to ward off further bedbugs, such as fumigating French exchange students and turning the Eurotunnel into a freakishly long waterslide to wash any visitors from France properly. Any true Brexit charva has been told to inform the local authorities of any rogue French agents spotted so they can be personally dealt with by Suella Braverman and her Nerf™ super-soaker filled with battery acid and racist thoughts. The winners in “group D”

Keir Starmer’s Aides Release His Response to ‘Woah Jeremy Corbyn’ What’s up guys, I’m sort of a big name in the Labour Party communications sphere and I’d like to give you all an exclusive. With Labour doing well in the polls and ‘Starmer fever’ truly setting in around the country (if you ask the right people) there’s still one problem we’re facing. Young people still don’t seem to care about him. That’s why we’ve come up with an ingenious plan to get the youth of today on side with brand ‘Starmer’, where Jeremy Corbyn had his ‘Woah Jeremy Corbyn’ chant to the riff of Seven Nation Army, us at Starmer HQ have reworked the lyrics of ‘freed from desire’ to get the kids excited about a new Labour government. It goes something like this… ‘This country’s got no money, Keir Starmer’s got beliefs’ ‘This country’s got no power, Keir Starmer’s got beliefs’ ‘Na na na na na nana Keir Starmer Keir Starmer’ ‘Na na na na na nana Keir Starmer Keir Starmer’ ‘Na na na na na nana Keir Starmer Keir Starmer’ Try to ignore the fact that Keir Starmer’s beliefs aren’t explicitly stated here, just rest assured that he does have them. Matt Davis

The Lemon Press talks on Israel‐Hamas No the fuck we don’t. Joe Best

Even on a good day

War on Cars Latest: Rishi Sunak Builds a Motorway Through York Minster In a surprising win for the cars in the 'War on Cars' Rishi Sunak has promised to knock down half of York Minster to make way for the most beautiful motorway you have ever seen. Rishi is bravely making a stand against the train and bus fanatics and knocking down 80 listed buildings and 40 pubs to make way for the Network North Super Highway. ‘It’s over for the trains, the time of the car is now," the Prime Minister was heard saying whilst taking a shit on a piece of HS2 track that was set to become part of the northern leg of the railway. Due to budget cuts to the Department for Transport, it’s most likely that they’ll only get halfway through the demolition of the centre of York Minster before giving up entirely and just hoping people will forget about the project. Matt Davis

George Santos exclusively reveals that he was a figment of your imagination all along You thought you noticed him like an insane amount whilst being an incredibly powerful lawmaker in the US government? No you didn’t, that was the aftereffects of the milk you bought a month ago and forgot about until just now when you were desperate for a cup of tea. Oh you noticed that he’s claimed to work at multiple top banks when actually he’s done nothing of the sort? Boy that cheesy semi-skimmed really did a number on you. You felt mathematically perturbed that he claimed his mother was killed in 9/11 when she died in 2016? It’s not George’s fault you refuse to switch to non-dairy alternatives, which last longer and are better for the planet. You grew curious when you discovered that he (genuinely) claimed to have been a producer on a 2011 Rock Musical called ‘Spider Man: Turn Off the Dark’ with absolutely no evidence? I’ve run out of off-milk related things to say. Frankly, George is a ﬁctional being, and on top of that a bloody great bloke. Any inklings you have that might contradict this are the result of a concerted lobby from Big Milk to make you question the workings of one of the most honest men/gods/little purple dragons ever to grace the house of representatives. The man’s ability to hold down a major political position while also having a spaceship that can ﬂy to Jupiter and back three times (it's under repair right now so he can’t show you) makes him the single greatest human being never to have existed. Eddie Atkinson

News & Politics

RIP Boleslaw, you would've loved this magazine

IN MEMORIAM: Bolesław The Pious ﴾1224 – 1279﴿ I regret to inform you of a tragic story. Something I learnt about only recently, though I cannot get it out of my tiny mind. Today, reader, I bring to you the news of Bolesław the Pious (1224-1279)’s passing. Bolesław was born in 1224 (or 1225, 1226, or 1227 – historians don’t actually know), emerged from the heart of Poland to embark on a journey that spanned approximately 55 years (or thereabouts, give or take a few years). Initially conﬁned within the walls of a Polish Castle under the watchful gaze of his elder brother Przemysl, Bolesław’s life truly blossomed after the untimely departure of Bolesław’s sibling at the tender age of 36, presenting the young duke with newfound opportunities to etch his mark upon the world. The annals of Bolesław’s life are engraved with tales of wars, conquests, and the acquisition of vast swathes of land, solidifying his position as a venerable leader. Amid these grand exploits, it was in 1255 that Bolesław ingeniously concocted a dish that featured shredded cabbage, carrot, and the ever-beloved mayonnaise, a creation that swiftly garnered widespread acclaim and adoration. Furthermore, the zenith of his personal life came in the form of his union with Jolenta (1244-1304) in 1258, resulting in the joyous birth of three offspring: Elisabeth, Jadwiga, and Anna. Alas, the absence of a male heir meant Bolesław’s illustrious legacy ultimately passed to his nephew (also called) Przemysl, whose lamentable demise shortly thereafter brought an abrupt conclusion to the lineage of Bolesław. The chapters of Bolesław’s life, a grand tapestry interwoven with conquests and personal triumphs, far exceed the expected plotlines of my own existence. The melancholy of Bolesław’s departure weighs heavily upon my heart, leaving a cavernous void that I hope resonates within you as well. Oh, and his name is really funny. Oscar Rowen

The Lemon Press would like to issue a formal retraction of their article ‘Rabbit who lives inside balls to make them go boing tells all’ Not for any moral reasons it was just shite Please write for our sport section so this doesn’t happen again. Please Pretty Please Eddie Atkinson

Image Credit: Oscar Rowen (We'll miss you Boleslaw, ﬂy high, King) 13

In Memoriam

This is the page for you

We’re 100% not a cult, the blood oath is merely satire!

Finding Ben Brown: Investigative Journalism Into the Whereabouts of the Notorious Ben Brown, Resulted in Me Finding Myself Instead… Monday 1st October. A bleak foreboding morning. The birds sang their usual tune in choral symmetry. On any other this would be beautiful; perhaps almost enlightening. But for this tainted soul, it was piercing. A mockery of all I have worked for in my hunt for him. He who entertains and uplifts, then disappears in a ﬂash of joy. I am talking, of course, about Benjamin Brown. To those who may not know him, you may think of this as hyperbole. But to those who are aware of who Ben is, you understand the pain . Yes, this is a satire magazine full of cum jokes. But I implore you to read on as what I discovered did not change me, no, it rocked me to my core. In a way I almost envy those who do not know him, as they know not what it is like to have someone so awe inspiring to be involved in creating a ‘funny magazine’ to be taken away like a phantom in the night. Benjamin Brown, or Ben Brown/ BB King/Benjamin ‘the shit’ Brown/ Benny B Browntown-to name a few of his nicknames- has been around The Lemon Press for what some historians consider to be hundreds of years. Which is interesting considering the magazine has been around since 2009. Yet, no one knows who he really is or where he lives. One time I tried to tail him home, but his bike was too fast and his skills were too illusive. I failed in my several attempts to ask where he lives, with people always saying to me “who are you? Get the fuck out of my son’s bedroom!”. No luck.

Image Credit: Adam Berry

Signs Your Dad May Be Evil

Reports have stated that he has been spotted in a bar in York city centre, Weatherspoons. Where he was seen rizzing up middle aged men who bought him drink after drink while they bragged about sacking employees from their company. Ben Brown managed to get drinks and leave without a trace. A credit to his country, one may say.

He says wrongy ho instead of righty ho - a little bit suspicious if you ask me

However, After months of researching I ﬁnally discovered something: Ben Brown is not who he says he is. Ben is omnipotent, omnibenevolent and, most importantly, not actually called Ben. For, Ben Brown is all of us. Perhaps, maybe, the real Bens were the Browns we made along the way… Cameron Stenhouse

He burns all of the food on the barbecue, he might be trying to poison you

Or maybe this is

He keeps the snacks to himself in the front of the car instead of reaching his hand back to get snacks that the kids are sharing in the back of the car

He listens to a White Dad Barbecue Jams spotify playlist on repeat without skipping a single song and with every one he hears he says “hey, I know this one” and proceeds to wiggle his ﬁnger own and drum on the nearest ﬂat surface Matt Davis

Lifestyle

i can’t believe this is stuck on our records forever

Matt Davis balds after spending too much time in irradiated room Spring Lane Building 205 was discovered to be the site of a very large radon gas leak. He was found in the corner saying, “The geiger counter won't stop the geiger counter won’t stop the geiger counter won’t stop-” The radiation was contained within ten minutes of being found, and the only reason why Matt Davis went bald as a result of all of this was because he decided to shave all of his hair because he kept hearing the arrhythmic ticking and tapping of a geiger counter counting all them geiger’s. Something happened and his name is now... Matt Baldavis

New Petrol Station ‘Tip Your Pump’ Feature Leaves Drivers Outraged Tesco Petrol customers have expressed their dismay after the branch’s self-service pumps recently introduced an option for patrons to leave a tip. Earlier this week, a Twitter user went viral after they posted a photo which showed the interactive pump screen reading “Give us a tip you mug”, with options for a 10%, 20% or 40% tip, or no tip at all. The user accompanied the photo with the caption “The cheek of it. I did all the work myself, the pump is an inanimate object… why does it deserve anything?”. “Our pumps work hard, and we want more money”, one Tesco spokesperson commented. “If you’re dumb enough to give it to us then more fool you looool.” In a world of tipping madness, it seems the sky's the limit. What’s next from Tesco – tipping the trolley for carrying our groceries? Oscar Rowen

Toilets: Why We Don’t Need Them The modern flushing donut-shaped toilet remains virtually unchanged since its invention in the Victorian era, probably. Before then, everyone used to squat and shit on the floor. In this essay, I will argue that we should go back to the days before our soft cheeks sat on the porcelain throne of joy. Indeed, I shall argue that to increase the tone of your calves, to erase the need for squatting in the gym, and to feel yourself really immersed in the moment, you could get rid of the ‘toilet’ completely and replace it with a hole in the ground (welllubricated of course, with water to help your dumplings wash away with ease). *Land of Hope and Glory starts playing* Gone will be chronic back issues; squatting and shitting is scientifically proven to be healthy for the spine. Gone will be laziness, sitting on the toilet for half an hour and scrolling on your phone. That will be impossible, for you will be too busy focusing on improving your upper-leg strength, your muscles quivering as you try to squeeze out a massive turd between your stressed butt cheeks, which will be unused to being out in the open air after years of being slapped down on a surface, lazily sitting around. We will become the species we always dreamt of. We will finally become civilised. We will poop with pride. Dan Gordon‐Potts

Lifestyle

Our Facebook Group has never been better

satire is what no pussy does to a mf

Which worm would you be if you were also a member of hit Australian children’s group 'The Wiggles'? Which primary colour would you wear in your television debut? A) Earth Colours B) Flat Colours C) Segmented Colours D) Gummy Colours - Yummy Yummy What’s your favourite pH level? A) A sort of earthy pH - maybe 7? B) One that’s quite flat - I can’t assign a numerical value to that C) Segmented - a sort of 1 to 3 vibe - anything that makes the indicator thingy lots of lovely colours D) Gummy - Yummy Yummy You, in your role as a children entertainer, have to burrow through a large mound of a substance to reach sustaining plant life, which substance is it? A) Soil (earth) B) The vast flatlands of the Salt Lakes C) Lots of bits of an orange D) Gelatine - Yummy Yummy You must wiggle, how will you wiggle? A) earthily B) flatly C) segmented-ly D) Gummy - Yummy Yummy Which worm are you? Mostly A: Earthworm - we weren’t subtle about it. Mostly B: Anthony Wiggle - You’re the blue one! In that you have an inherent sadness that you cannot escape. Mostly C: Segmented worm - Apparently this is a type of worm, but that’s not what this is. We’ve chopped you in half and decapitated you. Mostly D: That one worm that jumps up dicks in Amazonian rivers (technically it’s a tiny fish) - Idk they just weigh on our minds quite a lot. Like how does that work? How do they breathe? Does it feel nice? (Ignore the last one)

Middle‐aged man who cycles DOESN’T wear full lycra immediately banned from barbecue That’s not allowed. No-one let Graham buy any books about World War 2. Eddie Atkinson

Should I Report This Facebook Group? I got recommended to join a York second-hand Facebook group, but once I was in they were selling body parts??? Like literally second-hand hands??? Can’t say I shouldn’t have seen this coming really, I wondered why they asked me about my stance on cannibalism and taxidermy in the intro questions. Maisie Hemmings

You picked one of each: Fuck off that wasn’t how you were meant to do it by Eddie Atkinson, Iona Chisholm, Eleni [redacted], Helena Short

Self conscious about including this article in print let me know your thoughts... x I had Linda McCartney sausages, sweet potato, frozen veg, and a coupp'la yorksha puddings for my tea tonight. Dan Gordon‐Potts

The Lemon Press

Lifestyle

She Ridley on my Scott til I NapoleOn the Floor

Why I Could Easily Put on a More Successful Showbiz Production Than The Muppets Don’t get me wrong, I can’t get enough of the little guys and their crazy antics always seem to figure themselves out in the long run… but here are three reasons why I truly think I could put on a more successful showbiz production than The Muppets. 1. They are incompetent. - Think about the crew – you’ve got a bear who thinks he’s a comedic genius, a stoic eagle who can never admit defeat, a frog who isn’t fit for his job as leader and a whole gaggle of other unsuitable critters. Listen, if I were running a production, I simply wouldn’t allow it. I would hold rehearsals and find a suitable cast of experienced performers who know exactly what to do to keep the show rolling smoothly. 2. They often find themselves in chaotic situations. - Thinking back to the history of The Muppets, a long list of chaotic and dangerous situations comes to mind. Gonzo alone must have caused thousands of pounds worth of damage to the various theatres they’ve played at with his gigantic cannons, and don’t get me started on Crazy Harry’s obsession with TNT. Again, if I were running a showbiz production simply none of this would be allowed. I would have a strict no explosives rule in the theatre. 3. They are overly dramatic. - I think we all know who I’m on about here – Miss Piggy. Look, we all love a drama queen, but she takes it too far. There have been times when her dramatic ways have led to things as important as the show not being able to go ahead… not something I would be willing to risk. My production would crack down on any dramatic personalities, ensuring they either behave and get on with their work or get swiftly booted out. Oscar Rowen

The Most Important Criticism of Ridley Scott You Will Read Today With that new Napoleon film breaking onto the silver screen it's about time to deal out the most damning words possible about the English director. He's called Ridley and he hasn't asked anyone a single riddle. This guy should be the 'troll under the bridge' of the film industry. He doesn't even hide riddles in his films, did Napoleon break away from the action to ask the audience: ‘the more you take, the more you leave behind. What am I?’ I actually don't know because I haven't seen it but I doubt it!! Matt Davis

Fortnite to put your absentee father in the Item Shop Fortnite is a juggernaut when it comes to collaborating with other franchises or famous entities such as Marvel or creator of the hit song ‘Venom’ by Eminem, but they have truly hit their peak with their latest addition – your missing dad. No-one knows how they managed to bag such a lucrative opportunity but with the next season’s battlepass, you’ll be able to unlock the father ﬁgure you never had at Tier 100 as well as his backbling (a bottle of milk), his pickaxe (the belt) and his glider (2002 Vauxhall Corsa). Who knows how Fortnite will top this? Either way, get those vic-roys on your way to get a pack of smokes and a pint of semi-skimmed. Louie McVey

Arts

Image Credit: Louie McVey

And you thought one Shakespeare was too many

Attempt to get 1000 Shakespeares at 1000 typewriters to type out lyrics to ‘King of the Swingers’ from the Jungle Book fails miserably The question has been asked since the invention of monkeys (or probably the invention of typewriters), if you placed 1000 monkeys at 1000 typewriters, would you get the Complete Works of Shakespeare? But noone has asked the equally important reverse question, until now: Researchers in the UoY Linguistics department, who frankly had nothing better to do, used scraps of Big William’s DNA found in one of the urinals at the Globe to create 100s of clones of the great man, and sat them at word processors to see where they’d go with it and whether they’d end up recomposing one of the grooviest songs EVER to feature in a late 1960s disney film about a drug-addled bear and his half-naked child friend based on a book by a deeply racist man. First off, it's fair to say the whole typing thing took a bit of explaining; researchers gave him a whistlestop tour of the technological advances of the last 600 years, taking enough time of course to explain what ‘fur-play’ was before sticking him in front of the machine, but it still took a little while for him to understand the intricacies of touch-typing. Another big issue is that frankly the man cannot fucking spell, he was all over the shop, ‘th’kinge of thee swingers’ is helping absolutely no one. So the experiment was delayed by the need to fast track the clones through 3 years worth of Key Stage 1 spelling tests. The other major delay faced was in trying to get Billy to go on a bit less, he kept on interrupting lessons on the invention of cordless vacuums to postulate on the meaning of life and whether or not it was possible to be truly good, which was getting him absolutely nowhere nearer the delightful Louis Armstrong tribute researchers were aiming for. Unfortunately, these difficulties were too great to make the experiment the resounding success is was meant to be, although interestingly five clones did produce a word for word replication of the new Five Nights at Freddy's Script, 224 produced some variation of Macbeth 2: Electric Boogaloo, 12 rewrote Romeo and Juliet but with the main characters replaced by garden ornaments (none of them gnomes) and one almost wrote out the lyrics to the desired song, but he skipped one of the ‘oo-bee-doo’s so the attempt was scrapped. Eventually researchers gave up completely, and the clones have been put for adoption by loving families, with a deadline of 6 weeks before they are brutally put down. Eddie Atkinson

It's All Fun and Games Until it's Not! ‘The Tetris effect’ is described as ‘seeing forms that can be flipped and arranged, just like in the game, in everyday objects such as cereal boxes or buildings.’ Reports have come from Derwent of an individual who is suffering from this condition; it's very serious people don’t laugh! Anyways, after spending hours between lectures and seminars playing Tetris, housemates found them restacking each kitchen shelf meticulously and repeatedly in a sleepy haze. Speaking with this individual, this is what they had to say, ‘The blocks! They hide behind my eyelids, they fall constantly as I try to sleep, I cannot escape them!’. Naturally, the boxy brutalist architecture of Campus West made me curious as to how a regular day went for the student - in answer they described Vanbrugh as ‘haunting’. Even the wildlife is affected in the mind's eye with this affliction. The right angles collapse together in hues of blue and green to create a morph of ducks and geese, ‘it's even more unsettling when they start running towards you’ the first year proclaimed. Hopefully they can get through this and become a more rounded individual in the end. The Gaming and E-Sports Society is yet to comment on their strategy for well-being, but at TLP we hope this can be the building block (pardon the pun) for a more considerate and careful scheme of gaming. Maisie Hemmings

thelemonpressyork

Arts

we graduated from cuntserven university

Live Action Wallace and Gromit Because There is No More Clay THERE IS NO MORE CLAY! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! The factory that makes the clay has shut down and Aardman will run out of clay in a few years time! You know what that means! It’s time for another live action remake of the original ﬁlm, Wallace and Gromit: A Grand Day Out! This will tell the harsh story of a man and his dog making a tough decision after running out of cheese. After this they’ll prepare to go to the moon to restock for free because cheese prices have gone up 200% in the last year of this dystopian universe. All dogs can’t talk but can still understand you and give you disapproving looks. Wallace will be played by Gregg Wallace to stay true to his name and Gromit will be played by Sir Patrick Stewart in an artisanally well-crafted dog fursuit. When asked for comment the actors said ‘Corrr’ and ‘I strongly believe this is the role of a lifetime and it will be an absolute pleasure to act alongside Gregg on this project, I have been a great admirer of his work as a chef and I am more than curious to see how this translates to his skill on the… who am I kidding this whole thing is one big joke, I used to be a star now my biggest ﬁlms will be as a furry and a shit with eyes’ respectively. The question is, will you go and watch this new interpretation of W&G on the big screen? Matt Davis

Top 5 Songs I'd Like to Lay Siege to 1. ‘Little Dark Age’, MGMT - Imagine, just you and your boy on horses outside the castle walls, with this banger playing. Probably be really cool I think, great bonding exercise. 2. ‘My Way’, Frank Sinatra- You could make, like, a campﬁre or something. Sit around close, talking about the siege and how well it's going. You've never seen this side of him. He looks kinda good in ﬁrelight. 3. ‘Thunderstruck’, ACDC- Slaughtering peasants to this song would be so rad. His arms look so strong when he's swinging that sword. He could probably lift you so easily. Haha. You'd look so small. 4. ‘Killing In The Name’, Rage against the Machine - I've felt this way for a while and really think we have something special. I mean couldn't you at least give it a chance? No? You think I'm too afraid to talk about my feelings? That I'm not living my ‘true self’? Ohhh but of course noOOoo, you ‘value’ our friendship. 5. ‘Hurt’, Johnny Cash. Joe Best

Image Credit (left and right): Picryl

De‐problematizing 2000s movies

Almost Famous: those beautiful women should not have deflowered that teenage boy they should have deflowered me. American Pie: every male in this film series should have been jailed at birth and forced to earn their way out by treating women nicely and successfully self-actualizing. The Cat in the Hat: instead of making this deeply creepy live-action adaptation of a children’s book they should have just done what they wanted to do all along and made a porno. Juno: rather than Jason Bateman’s character being really creepy and predatory towards his teenage surrogate he should have just had gentle and consensual sex with his middle-aged wife instead. Love Actually: instead of trying to cheat on his best friend’s newly wedded wife he should have just died. Mean Girls: rather than Coach Carr having sex with underage Asian students he should have just had gentle and consensual sex with his middle-aged wife. Norbit: instead of Eddie Murphy doing this movie he should have made something less problematic, like Big Momma’s House 4: Like Momma, Like Papa, Just Like Me fr. Scary Movie: in order to make the gay panic humour less problematic they should have included an eight-minute-long (at least) noholds-barred sex scene between Ray and Bobby. What Women Want: instead of sexually harassing women Mel Gibson’s character should have gone to therapy instead. Or downloaded Tinder and set the age range to something respectable. Ava Young 19

Arts

with a three

The Long Boible – Tales of our recently resurrected boi! Mary, an average hen, gives birth to Longboi in the deep, dark depths of the biology labs. From then on he is hunted by the King, Herod, who is said to be as clever as a fox. Eventually Judas, irritated that Longboi ruined his chances of finding a mate, sells him out to the “foxes” (general term for those both evil and cunning). Longboi feeds the 5000 – he makes an appearance and suddenly the amount of seed distributed by students multiplies a thousand fold The resurrection – he returned after 3 months. The quacks resounded across the campus and into the hearts of all, and all knew he was among us once more. “I am the boi, you are the boys. If you remain in me and I in you, you will crack open many cold ones” Longboi of Derwent (John 15:5) “Love your neighbour as yourself; unless your neighbour tries to steal your food, then you may use the ‘fist’ in ‘pacifist’ for your own ends” Longboi of Derwent “The three wise mallards gathered around longboi and gave him each a gift: photogeneity, clout and charisma” The tale of Longboi’s birth Zoe Redding

(left) Original artist unknown. Uncovered in an 11th century manuscript buried beneath the rubble of the demolished security centre by: Zoe Redding (below) hot rat image credit: Flickr

I Answer the Age‐Old Question: Which G‐Force ﴾2009﴿ Guinea Pig is the Most Breedable? Recently I had the pleasure of watching Walt Disney’s seminal 2009 classic G-Force. While the gang of well-trained guinea pigs’ hilarious antics were tremendously engaging, I couldn’t get one question out of my mind throughout the length of the film – which member of the crew is the most breedable? Now, this isn’t to belittle Hoyt Yeaman’s (dir.) incredible filmmaking, or Cormac and Marianne Wibberley’s (writ.) compelling cinematic scriptwriting… but those guinea pigs are just so easy on the eyes. I spent some time thinking about it, did some market research (played the PS3 G-Force video game to 100% completion) and came up with this cheeky list. 6. Mooch – Sadly Mooch, their surveillance expert, had to be in the final place on the list. He’s literally a fucking fly, he had no chance. 5. Juarez – I think Juarez would put up a tough wall to my approaches. She’s the muscles of the crew so I don’t really want to mess with her honestly, and her aggressive Spanish style kind of gives me puss in boots vibes which is a turn off. Another roadblock is the fact that she’s obviously in a committed relationship with Blaster as of the end of the film, and I don’t think she’s the cheating type. 4. Darwin – Darwin is the type to play hard to get but actually be great in the bedroom. There’s no denying the fact he’s a dom (as the leader of the pack), which personally doesn’t really appeal to me, so he gets 4th. 3. Blaster – Blaster is a bombastic and excitable little guinea pig who seems like he’d be up for a good time. The fact he’s the team’s weapons expert is a little scary but let’s hope his explosive expertise follows through to the bedroom. Not to ignore the fact he’s in a committed relationship with Juarez, but he’s definitely more the cheating type. I could have a really fun night with Blaster. 2. Hurley – There’s no denying Hurley is a rookie. He’s laid-back, absent-minded, and unprofessional. And that’s exactly why I think he’s the second most breedable G-Force member… He’s one to get down and dirty! I can see Hurley being the type to have a chill but thoroughly entertaining night with. 1. Speckles - If you hadn’t already figured it out yourself, in the coveted #1 spot is Speckles, the brains of G-Force. While not strictly a Guinea Pig, this star-nosed mole is one sneaky bugger. Speckles famously betrays his team, but I reckon he’s extremely dedicated to the cause when in the bedroom. Another of Speckles’ highlights is the fact his voice actor is Nic Cage, undeniably a DILF. Speckles is easily the most breedable. P.S. I just found out guinea pigs only have an average lifespan of 5-7 years. The film came out in 2009… sadly I think this article may have been pointless. Oscar Rowen

@thelemonpress

Arts

"ass or tits" bro the cum jokes in this magazine

VLE “Ultra” now requires a sample of your father’s cum each time you log in In order to combat the increasing number of cyber-attacks on students’ personal information, DUO, the VLE’s authenticator app, has introduced a third factor to their now three-factor authentication: Daddy’s Cummies. Daddy’s Cummies is an app separate to DUO that works through a charger-extension on your phone (to be provided by your institution) that has a built-in receptacle for you to place a sample of your birthfather’s ejaculate. The idea behind it is that the extension scans your father’s sample, using cool science like ‘biology’, and relays the genetic information to the app, which matches it with your genome (which will have to be provided by you to your e:vision account). Through this method of identiﬁcation, it is almost impossible for hackers to target your information. DUO leaves the matter of ‘sample extraction’ to the student; on the Daddy’s Cummies website FAQs under ‘Extraction’ it simply states: “Whatever method works best for you, is the one you should do!” Another FAQ heading titled “What if my birthfather is no longer with us / not known?” has the response “All families should have the foresight to store a sample of their patriarch’s semen, those that did not have that foresight are none of our business. Sorry!” The company has plans in place if the Daddy’s Cummies app is not able to stand up to renewed cyber-attacks. They have devised three further factors they can implement in this case. First is a simple captcha test, where the student must correctly identify the long one, and therefore the-most-deserving-of-life one, from two images of ducks. The second is the signing of a declaration similar to the “I’m not a robot” tests, but with text “I hate the machines I hate the machines I hate the machines.” And ﬁnally, the last one is a three-hour Turing Test the student must correctly respond to, interspersed with various interpretations of “What’s it like to hold the hand of someone you love?” Adam Berry

Why I Could Make a Perpetual Motion Machine if I Reallllyyyy Wanted to First of all, Isaac Newton died a virgin so don’t quote the laws of physics before you quote the ﬁrst law of life: ‘fuck bitches, get money’. Now I know friction exists (I think my GCSE science involved trying to bully the teacher into leaving the class) but if I really really wanted to, I reckon I could make a perpetual motion machine. Image Credit: Adam Berry

Rishi Sunak Wants Us All to be Cars ﴾like from the Movie Cars﴿ No one wants to listen to my theories but if I write them here nothing can stop them from being out there. Rishi Sunak keeps saying there is a war on cars (I haven’t seen anyone destroy any cars in the last ten years) and I think that that’s because Rishi Sunak wants every single one of us to be cars. I love the movie Cars and its tough story, the way the king of the highway learns to become more down to earth. I’ve never actually learned to drive so I don’t know what it would be like to be a car but it would be pretty cool and help us win the war on cars as the cars.

Like it’s not that hard right? Just keep going you know - like what about that duck that dips into water? That will be going until the end of time right? How will I do it? Yeahhh wouldn’t you like to know. Steal my ideas yeah? One day I’ll make it, but I’ve got a lot on at the minute, you know writing in this magazine takes up a long time. And like, not being a loser physics student reading about space and shit. Okay here’s a little bit of how I’d do it: I’d just not be silly, roll up my sleeves and start making stuff. Just bro down and science up. All these physics students always say otherwise - have they even tried? No. Idiots. Cameron Stenhouse

Matt Davis

Science & Tech

We have tiktok still

Headline? My name's not line

Microplastics Declared Safe to Eat in an Effort to Boost UK Food Hygiene Ratings: In an effort to boost UK food hygiene ratings, there will now be an allowance where microplastics will be permitted to make up up to 5% of any given food product. Going further than this, in 2024, for the ﬁrst time ever, microplastics will be added to the food pyramid! It will be given its own place between carbohydrates and dairy. And I'm looking forward to it. I love the taste of different microplastics and I can't wait for it to be legal. Matt Plastics

5 More New Inventions That I Can’t Believe: 1. The Flippable book: honestly who knew that this was a good idea, but I’ve been using reels and reels of paper which has made writing my dissertation really difficult to do. 2. Spinny Chairs: I’ve always wondered how the villains from the movies managed to dramatically turn around during the reveal scenes. Whenever I tried it I kept scraping along the floor completely ruining my entrance. 3. Flying Cars: I should be given a licence to drive a very small plane that I can fly around others, this cannot go wrong and I cannot believe it. 4. Taps That Can Make Really Hot Water Really Quickly: I think I might have seen an advert for this one but it wasn’t until I was locked upstairs in Derwent when I realised that it was truly possible and not just special effects. I could make tea in an instant. I didn’t because I didn’t have any tea bags or mugs or anything. But I could’ve and that’s what counts. 5. The thing that slaps Wallace awake in Wallace and Gromit: I don’t wake up to my alarm very easily and need something to help me, this is where I think this thingamajig would come in. It’s what the people want and if everyone X’s Elon really hard we can make this a reality. Matt Davis

Image Credit: Matt "Plastics" Davis

“No Mum I Promise it's Not Porn! It’s Twitter!”: Navigating this and more, in ‘An Incel’s Guide To Life’ Elon Musk fan boy? Tech savvy red pilled alpha ready to ﬁght the wokerarti and their tofu eating soy boy cucks? Or do you live in the real world and want to know what the fuck a ‘wokerarti’ is? Well this is a guide for incels to navigate the difﬁcult scenarios they face every day, from me Elon: 1. Being called a ‘cuck’ in school? Crack your knuckles, push your prescription photochromic sunglasses forward and exclaim “Andrew Tate fucked my wife, so that makes ME the alpha” That’ll show em 2. Mother telling you to shower? Shake your head and exclaim “grobble grobble” again and again until she leaves in fear. A sigma never shows their true colours. 3. Women not paying attention to you? GOOD! Be scared of women. By Elon Musk

Elon's indecipherable advice Image Credit: Hal Muxlow Fisher

The Lemon Press

Science & Tech

Sit in the cuck chair and think about what you did THINGS YOU CAN FIND IN THE CUCK STORE 1. THE CUCK CHAIR A chair you use to cuck - NEVER to get fucked 2. A fully paid for subscription to OnlyFans for someone that you used to go to school with that kind of dropped oﬀ after graduation 3. A One-Way Mirror: so your wife doesn't know you're there and doesn't have to see your face 4. A Cameo of a Will Smith lookalike who will cuck you for a reasonable deposit charge and decent discount for geriatrics and incels 5. a) high res camera (for the memories) b) a blue light (for getting your way around) c) goggles/binoculars (for a better view) d) some soy milk (because you're a soy boy) 6. V-R Set (in case you couldn’t get anyone to cuck for you in real life) 7. A Beer Helmet because cuckoldry is thirsty work 8. Cuckoldry propaganda (Will Smith's relationship with Jada) 9. Competitive cuckfilming and cucking, the winner wins a real relationship with a normal person 10. A suggestion of therapy (but this isn’t enforced because we might run out of business)

How do you know if you’re a cuck? 1. Do you strongly dislike your partner? 2. Do you watch porn and think “hm, I wonder what this would be like in real life to watch two people fucking but one of the actors was my wife?” 3. Did you watch King Richard? Did you like the star of that ﬁlm? Do you like his wife and the idea of having that sort of relationship? 4. Do you relate to the Mark Zuckerberg image (pictured to the left) and what it represents/ emulates? 5. Do you drink coke with a straw? If you answered yes to any of these questions yeah you’re a cuck fr.

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Images: Ava Young Content: Jimmy Comiskey, Finn Russell, and Ava Young Mark Zuckerberg alien: real

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Rizzi Sunak

Woke Santa Stops Giving People Coal for Christmas I've just heard about how this year Santa will stop giving people coal IT'S A DISGRACE. When I was child if I had been naughty that year I would recieve a lump of coal and I would have been happy with it. Well maybe not happy because it's not the new bike I asked for but I wouldn't mind like the snowﬂake generation of today. Apparently giving kids lumps of coal is 'bad for the environment'. It wasn't bad for the environment when I recieved it after saying a bad word in December in the year 2000, I remember it like it was yesterday, everything changed for me. And I DIDN'T CARE ABOUT GETTING COAL. I SWEAR! Apparently when you burn coal it releases a whole load of tiny little particles which make the world warmer and apparently that's a bad thing for Santa who lives at the North Pole and requires ice caps to be frozen for the reindeer to deliver all of the presents to all the good boys and girls.

Rishi Sunak’s rizz You might be aware that David Cameron has made a comeback into UK politics. Why do you think he’s back? Of course, it’s all thanks to the rizzmeister himself: Rishi Sunak. Follow his tactics and maybe you, too, can win someone back into YOUR cabinet! Rishi Sunak's top rizz tips: 1) Get rid of your current home secretary. You’re reshufﬂing! It’s ﬁne! 2) Call up your ex and ask him really nicely to come back. 3) Go girl and give us nothing! Grimes (Elon Musk's third ex‐wife) Image Credit: Ava Young

I mean what's next Santa won't be taking whiskey and mince pies at the end of each shift because alcohol and mince pies are bad or something now? Honestly, what a world we live in. I wish I got a bicycle that Christmas Barry Stern

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damn boys that xl bully rally was crazzyyyy

Are we headed into another recession? This graph says so If you plot the value of today's pound against the value of yesterday's and tomorrow's against every recognised international currency against the years of great recessions in the UK against the seven cardinal virtues as put forward by Pope Gregory I, it reveals an image that disturbs... Experts say that this is deﬁnitive proof of an upcoming decade long recession. Yikes.

No let up today for British manufacturers; there were large proﬁt slumps for SecuriVag and United Haha, down 6.4 joining Collins Perhaps Units on a lower third rung. There was better news for EdgyWedgyLedgeBarge who mustered 2.41 up 88 very slightly, but Oxey McGee ﬂew back a ninth despite a creeping bid from Connected Breath Dumps at 4. Collaterlie Sisters