The Lemon Press - Issue 56

Editors' Introduction

Hello again!

It's your favourite unpaid interns Ava and Matt, back at it again with yet ANOTHER issue of The Lemon Press that you will absolutely read from cover to cover and not just look at some of the funny pictures Some of these articles will make you laugh, others will make you go, huh? And ask your friend to explain it to you They'll say it's an inside joke and you just wouldn't get it

We've had a switcheroo in our TLP team (everyone graduated to better things) we lost some true TLP soldiers, others just have better things to do with their time now

With the loss of longboi this filled with heartfelt tributes and conspiracy theories Also in this issue, we rank our favourite numbers(you'll literally never guess which one our favourite is!)and give you all the new insights into the lore behind the Mario Franchise and finally reveal what star signs are what cheeses

We know it's been a hard year for everyone, with the world seemingly more crazy than it has been for the past 5,000 years, so we decided to make things worse by including our worst hot takes on every other page

We hope you enjoy this issue And if you ' re reading this Ben Brown, we miss you, we love you and we want you to come home to us(he's not gone missing or anything he's just stopped answering our emails).

Matt and Ava

Our new and improved editorial team pictured standing in front a white board containing the secret to eternal life (image might not be entirely accurate)

Competition Winner: Sam Chapman - For committing to the bit and creating a coherent and logical article which we have never seen before

Runner Up: Iona Chisholm - For a senitmental piece

Honourable Mentions: Eddie Rugg - for a beautful poem about scissoring And Grimes - for that one article about Elon Musk's musk

pp 3‐12 pp 13‐16 pp 17‐18 pp 19‐22 pp 23‐24 pp 25‐26 pp 27‐28 pp 29‐30

The Lemon Press Staff

Editors: Ava Young & Matt Davis

Chief Subeditor: Hal Muxlow-Fisher

Sub Editors: Eddie Atkinson

Campus Editors: Vacant

News & Politics Editors: Vacant

Lifestyle Editor: Hal Muxlow-Fisher

Science & Tech Editors: Vacant

Arts Editors: Eddie Atkinson

Features Editors: Vacant

Sports Editors: Adam Berry

Multimedia Editors: Louie McVey and Eddie Atkinson

Webmaster: Hal Muxlow-Fisher

Illustration Team: Maisie Hemmings (Front Cover and Various), Adam Berry (Back Cover and Various), Matt Davis (Inside Cover and Various), Ava Young(Various), Cameron Stenhouse(Various)

President: Sophie Apps

Treasurer: Matt Davis

Secretary: Ava Young

Ordinary Members: Adam Berry, Ben Brown & Cameron Stenhouse

Contributors: Sophie Apps, Louie McVey, Niall McGenity ,Cameron Stenhouse, Marti Stelling, Dan Saxotweet, Ronnie Young, Grimes, Iona Chisholm, Sam Chapman, Eddie Rugg, Astroboy, Reyn-malArd

Contact the editors at: lemonpresseditors@yusu org

Contact the society at: lemonpress@yusu org

Disclaimer: No facts or actual attributable quotations are published in this satirical magazine. Produced 6th June 2023.

﴾It's

Please please please please please

Worst Buildings on Campus to be confined to

If I were to hypothetically have a captive that you need to keep somewhere on the University of York campus where would be the best place to do so which would allow for the correct amount of psychological torture? Hypothetically, of course, I don’t know any reason why anyone should need to know any of this, this is purely for fun.

The glasshouses in the Biology Department:

I don’t know what bioweapons are being grown there. I’m a humanities student and haven’t done anything apart from reading and writing for the past five years. Science scares me and what’s more I have a suspicion that every biology student chose to study it so that they can get the knowledge on how to create poisons. It would probably be a good place to keep a captive (just as long as they don’t have any heavy to throw against the glass walls there

The Constantine Centre:

I don’t know what this place is called but apart from the sunshine that peeks into this place, it has nothing to offer making it the perfect place for someone to trap a captive (if they had one for a most likely extremely excusable reason) as there will be little to entertain them apart from staring at the names of all of the previous Constantine college Chairs

Eric Milner:

I used to live here, it is now abandoned already which makes it very useful as a place to keep a potential captive What’s more, you can charge them £157 a week for the privilege of them being trapped there, meaning you can get a profit out of what is likely a difficult and costly thing that you could hypothetically be doing (I have been told to say that part of the costs go towards catering and plumbing and that this is actually a really very perfectly reasonable cost to pay for a run-down 1960s block with likely asbestos and water that is not safe to drink flowing into the rooms).

The tunnel at the bottom of the lake:

I think the tunnel at the bottom of the lake would be the best place to hide any people because most people haven’t even heard of it and even fewer know the entrance to it. The plastic bottom will keep the area insulated so you wouldn’t have to spend any money on heating.

Secret Location:

I won’t reveal this one.

Brutalism Buffet Launched By Eat at York

To celebrate the University of York’s 60th anniversary, Eat at York, the catering team responsible for the various cafes and canteens around campus, are launching a “Brutalism Buffet” across their outlets as a nod to the 1960s style of architecture which Campus West is famous for. A member of Eat at York told The Lemon Press that the buffet will include various themed items from “pebbledash pizza” to “concrete crumble” . It is suspected that the ingredients will be locally sourced from the cordoned off buildings near the Market Square Nisa, as students walking in the vicinity last week reported witnessing a chef extracting chunks of gravel and grit from the walls into a baking tray with what appeared to be a spatula and a huge rusty spoon.

Hal Muxlow‐Fisher

Things I think should replace Longboi as campus mascot

It has been many weeks since the passing of beloved influencer and notorious mallard menace Longboi, meaning there is only one thing left to do Choose a new mascot to create a social media presence for to replace our fallen fowl So, please allow me to share who/what I think should become the new icon of UoY

1. My flatmate Nimrod – Nimrod is already quite well known around Alcuin, which is a black hole of fuck all happening otherwise, so giving him the same backing Longboi had would only increase his presence in the university cultural zeitgeist.

2. One of those new big ducks – Everybody loves a reboot and it appears nature has provided us with one in the form of those fat-ass ducks that suspiciously emerged after his passing.

3. Quarter-zip Tory – a common sight particularly on Campus East, the quarter-zip Tory would be reflective of a shocking amount of this university’s population, as they literally walk among us.

Matt Davis

This image was masterfully curated by Adam Berry and definitely wasn't just one quick google search in order to fill this empty space xxx

Louie McVey

Scratch and Sniff York Vision Coming This June

Have you ever tried to tell a story to someone and felt that they ‘just had to be there’? Well, now they can be!

With the latest issue of Smell-O-Vision, readers can experience the scents of campus in new and unfamiliar ways. Inspired by Rugrats Go Wild, the ‘Scent of Mystery’ thirty-two page special will feature York favourites, including ‘Vanbrugh Dining at 7pm’ , ‘Hemp!’ and ‘I’ve stepped in goose ****!’

Smell-O-Vision’s provisional print was pitched to Activities Officer and funny man, Rohan Ashar. It was met with negative reception, mostly because of a cold passing through the YUSU offices. People have complained about the amount of SABB scents and overwhelming campus circulation.

As usual, the publication is required to have YUSU scent approval and include no overlap with rival publication, Nose.

Critics have voiced their concerns over tasteless whiff-gags and scent-sational headlines that have landed Vision in hot water in previous years. Chief Wafter, Emily Sinclair assured readers that scent emissions would be minimised by ensuring ‘ we’ve only included scents people already know about’ .

Marti Stelling

The Wiggles No‐Platformed at V‐Bar Open Mic Night

It’s V-Bar open mic night, the prime night of the week for watching men with guitars sing to you and show you all the chords they can strum (it’s 4)

But when Australian pop-hit The Wiggles tried to book a slot at the most recent event they were told they wouldn’t be able to due to the fact that their road crossing song was not up to date with the updated version of the highway code that gives pedestrians right of way in most situations

It is rumoured that this may also be because the ‘Fruit Salad’ served at Vanburgh dining was not ‘Yummy Yummy’ but in fact gave 8 people food poisoning, leading many to become frustrated with one of The Wiggles’ greatest hits and uncomfortable with them performing for the 9 people who show up to Vbar

Matt Davis

Charlie Jeffrey vs Charlie Jeffrey Boxing Match

We've seen York vs Lancaster Vice Chancellor darts, we ' ve seen York vs Lancaster Vice Chancellor table tennis.

What this campus really needs is a Charlie Jeffrey vs Charlie Jeffrey boxing match.

I'd love to see the man telling us that VCs and lecturers should come to an agreement regarding strikes and marking bans punch the guy in the face who is in charge of making decisions regarding pay and equity of the university's teaching staff and can have some control over making a stand against casualisation of the professor profession.

I think it would give everyone a team that they could root for and students and staff alike could come together over this event as they watch the boxing match of the century

Longboi replaced by Longwasp

Matt Davis

Image Credit Marti Stelling

Help! I’m Stuck in a Physics Lecture Next to My Worst Enemy! What Do I Do?

My god! How did I get here? I don't even study physics And yet, here I am stuck in a physics lecture and to make things worse my worst enemy is sitting next to me My laptop is open in front of me, the only available page is The Lemon Press Writers Room on Facebook, this truly must be a nightmare!

But at least I can type, I am pretending to be writing something about specific heat capacity (never understood that) but in reality, I am writing this very post Perhaps someone will read it and rescue me Oh why did it have to be physics, all I need to know is that my judo skills and the gravity combined will leave my opponent flat on the floor How I wish I could make use of my deadly seoi-nage right now But somehow the sleepy lecture environment prevents me But just you wait Putin Just you wait!

Niall McGenity

Elect‐RON Campaign Destabilises Campus

In a recent highly charged by-election for the role of Academic Officer the campaign group Elect-RON has been causing issues around campus, destabilising the campus political climate

It has been reported that its negativity has been radiating around campus and is risking the bonds that keep us together

One thing is for sure we should all be keeping an ion any developments to make sure it doesn’t cause any more damage, and hope that the movement decays before it can cause harm to the rest of us

Matt Davis

When the fun stops, keep going You'll

The Truth About Longboi’s Disappearance Revealed ﴾not clickbait﴿.

Recent news of Longboi’s disappearance has thrown campus into a frenzy of theories as to his whereabouts However, with information drawn from incredibly reliable sources, I can confidently reveal the truth about York’s beloved lengthy mascot.

Firstly, I would like to draw your attention to the other notable event of the year, the death of the Queen. Her royal highness allegedly ‘passed away’ only 6 months before our beloved boi. Coincidence? I think not.

There is only one logical conclusion to be drawn; that her royal highness Queen Elizabeth of England and the world’s longthiest boy … have eloped together! One source claims to have seen a ‘small and regal looking elderly woman’ accompanied by an ‘abnormally elongated duck wearing sunglasses’ jet-skiing off the coast of Costa Rica.

It’s no wonder Prince Andrew has been such a prolific visitor of York in recent months; he’s probably been checking Her Majesty’s last known snapmaps location. And who can blame her? With the weight of a great nation on her shoulders, who wouldn’t be tempted by such a lengthy shoulder to cry on? In the eyes of the world her title was Elizabeth Alexandra Mary II, by the Grace of God, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and of her other realms and territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith But to one special duck she was just Liz So, wherever they may be, all we can do is wish them a very long and happy life together

Iona Chisholm

Chazza Jeffo Replaced by Dolphin

In a machiavellian plot, Chuck Bass (no relation) the dolphin has usurped Charlie Jefferies through an intricately planned rubegoldberg machine that developed from Chazza making an ill advised glasshouse appearance and kicking over a domino to a giant cup falling from the sky and trapping him with only a roll of toilet paper and a copy of The Lemon Press (guess which he used first) Chuck has assured us that we should be paying more attention to his staunchly right wing beliefs than his aquatic mammaldom but we couldn’t concentrate what with how adorable and clever the little guy is.

Awwww ‘I will obliterate anyone striking with the mighty power of Poseidon’ aren’t you cleverrrr. Those strikers planning to occupy the university’s head office have run into issues as they have now been replaced by a giant aquarium, but we are assured that Elon Musk is sending a malfunctioning submarine and calling someone a nonce on twitter as we speak.

Eddie Atkinson

Image Credit: Pixabay

We pay the price of being funny with no rizz

Reasons Why I Won't 'Do Levolution On The Longboi Statue

Given my history of posting about Longboi, including a style of writing that many have described as 'radicalised', I wanted to dispel the rumour going around that I am looking to destroy the statue by listing all of the reasons why I cannot and will not do such a thing

Logistics - Trying to find enough bombs with a blast zone that is small enough to only hit the statue whilst also containing enough explosives to destroy the long beams would be almost impossible, if I had looked (which I haven't)

Cost - The Students Union is hoping to raise upwards of £2,000 00, or "twenty media bins", to build the statue of a duck, therefore I can only assume it is made of a nigh-on indestructible material such as titanium, bedrock, or our brave brave Doorsafe guardians If I were to get a proportionally sized custom made plane (which I can't) and hit it, then the plane would just bounce right off and end up in some poor first year ' s barbecue This would be a waste of everyone ' s time, especially the one flatmate who had spent the last week trying to make the barbecue happen in the group chat

Derwent - Have you ever tried to find something in Derwent? Entire rooms just end up getting swallowed into a void that can only be described as "Near Courtyard" Even if the University does guilt Greg James enough to fund their Dead Duck tribute, nobody will be able to find it simply due to it being in Derwent, so it is no use doing a spectacle kamikaze attack on a symbolic target if there's nobody around to see it, is there?

Foxes -The most plausible theory on the tall duck's departure was that it happened the same time as a big fox attack on campus. Longboi was almost definitely hunted down, scared and screaming, before having its head crushed slowly by the jaws of a fox. That's just a fact about foxes hunting ducks I got from Wikipedia, it's what they do. And now those foxes have got the taste for longth they will want more, so that statue is going to be assaulted night and day by foxes determined to get another bite of the good stuff.

Student Media - If I was to orchestrate a duck-downing double drone destruction of the statue, our sharp student journalists would definitely figure out it was me. Nothing gets past the combined might of The Tab, Vision and Nouse as long as it is first announced from an official YUSU-affiliated page. If I was to do it I would have to begin by running past the YUSU offices shouting "I'm Dan Saxotweet and I'm going to do a Levolution on the big duck statue" because I'm such an attention whore, so chances are YUSU would send an email around.

Dan Saxotweet

Campus west fountain too shy to put on full display

IT'S PERFECTLY NORMAL! IT HAPPENS TO EVERYONE! You made me wet but not in a good way

These are all things the campus west fountain hears every time it tries to spurt into action

He sees you staring and he's shy uwu Fountains can’t perform when Central Hall is staring quite so intently.

Because of this, known dolphin Charlie Jefferies has decreed that a modesty curtain is to be placed around the fountain, who claims that meeting the gaze of the physics block is almost as off putting as making eye-contact with a physics student themselves.

Eddie Atkinson

Image Credit:David Dixon, Geograph

How I survived a year living in the Spring Lane Building undetected

After the maintenance loan ran out and I didn’t want to turn the heating on for fear of bills, I decided to challenge myself to living in the Spring Lane Building for an entire year Here’s what I learned from my year in the ceilings of Spring Lane:

All of the nutrients you need can be found in the vending machines in the Spring Lane building – I didn’t think it was possible to live off packets of Quavers, roast chicken flavoured Walkers and the occasional Nutri-Bar but I’ve never felt better, I could cartwheel around if I had no risk of being detected

Bugs are a great source of protein – if needs be they can be good friends too! Like a football for Tom Hanks in Castaway except they can crawl around all by themselves.

Security – some of the hardest lessons I have had to learn are how to pretend you are studying when you’re about to go to sleep for the night. The trick is to always have a book, notebook and pen out. This automatically removes suspicion that you might be going to sleep there because who sleeps with books.

If you lay on the ceiling panels in the recovery position, they can be surprisingly supportive of your weight.

People have surprisingly strong opinions about Victorian Literature Now this might have been as part of an English seminar, but I have been woken up on more than one occasion to passionate arguments about Dickens’ Bleak House Why am I being subjected to this?

So there you have it folks, if the cost-of-living crisis comes to you, you can follow all of these tips and keep yourself warm and join the fastest growing community of people on campus (it's just me but I am growing really fast at the moment)

Matt Davis

Every Member of YUSU Staff has been replaced by Dolphins

Just when you thought it was all over the dolphins came and replaced every single member of YUSU Staff When approached for comment the YUSU Chair of Trustees said "E e ee ' ee ee ' e "

Matt Davis

[Whoever created this image should resign as editor - Other Ed]

What the Anne Lister college mascot should be:

After several months of Anne Lister existing as one of the university's colleges, there is still no sign of a clear idea for what the mascot is going to be. For that reason I will be making a bid for one of my ideas to become the official mascot of Anne Lister College so that we can avoid it becoming another mascot resembling a cheap fursuit.

Tin C-Anne: Tin C-Anne would be a tin can in the colours of the college and a bright shining smile. This idea represents a step forward for environmentalism at the university as they can be infinitely recycled. Sturdy, durable and eco-friendly.

Anne Listerine: it would send a good message about dental hygiene and a nice subtle brag about how good the teeth of the college are (helping to create a college stereotype). Help puts the fresh into freshers week.

Campus Yeast: this one would not only help put Anne Lister College at the forefront of the colleges on Campus East by claiming to represent the whole campus, but could also be used as a part of a metaphor about how the college system helps students rise up to meet their potential There are obvious downsides with this one as it could be seen as an advertisement for yeast infections Rise like yeast to meet your potential

Sigh-Anne: Why not have the mascot be a representation of a lightish colour blue and a slightly mournful or relaxed attitude?

*sighs*

Matt Davis

Can you believe I wrote some of this?

Matt Davis became friends with Jed Wagman

For legal reasons this entire magazine is a joke

Orangutans to be released around York to “terrorise the elderly”

Help! I’m being being chased by a 6 foot ape!

Speculation has spread across the streets, with some suggesting that the council dramatically misinterpreted a message asking a soft beverages company to deliver tangy orange pop to elderly citizens.

One spooked citizen told The Lemon Press that she’s scared to open the door for fear of being pounded by lemons. That was in response to us. We were holding lemons, so it’s an easy connection to make. We had also recently pounded her with issues of The Lemon Press, so orangutans weren’t a top concern of hers. Rumour has it, she’s won the writers competition.

Marti Stelling

Longboi Stuck In Gender Neutral Toilets

We've all been there - after minutes of making sure that yes this is definitely a gender neutral toilet sign, you lock yourself in a clean and pristine SLB cubicle to lay your duckie dump, only to only hear female voices the entire time! You panic - what if this is actually a female toilets? This kind of thing has happened to you before at a quirky pub where they used random words instead of genders, your reputation could be ruined!

Now imagine you are actually a campus celebrity. An incredibly misogynist campus racist, who heard from Andrew Tate that women look down on ducks who have to use the loo. Real alpha mallards hold that in until marriage! So you wait in that cold cold cubicle, not flushing for weeks, as tributes to the alpha duck you once were flood in. You still haven't flushed. One day, when they close campus for good, you will return, a changed boi. But for now, you are Longboi, and you are trapped in a gender neutral toilet

Dan Saxotweet

"Longboi was Actually Killed by your Mum, Mate" ‐ A Comment

Firstly friend, this is statistically very unlikely Before I divulge the details of her horrific murder by a gaggle of greylags, I’d like to unpack why you feel the need to give this duck any more attention You could have at least made a yo mamma joke if you’re going to bring my mum into this

Longboi epitomises celebrity culture Ducks go missing everyday, who’s there remembering them other than the Lancaster students who carry their corpses round like the shrunken head roses cup to prove to themselves that winning roses actually mattered to any one other than

yo mamma so long, she- I just can’t bring myself to do it

Marti Stelling

A Sincere Apology to Sabbs, Gamers, and All Participants in the Year 2023

Dear Sabbs (non-sabbs do not read this),

Recently, it has been brought to our attention that you can read, do read, and occasionally don’t like what you read We can only apologise for this We thought you were like the beings at the end of Interstellar and had gone beyond words, satire, and time itself We were wrong

You have an inalienable right to get upset and blame student media, for anything You have an inalienable right to challenge anyone to a brain neuron count We at The Lemon Press understand, we were all children one day too

At elections result night, you were compared to a drink that we didn’t think was very good This was beyond the pale and factually incorrect Our reporters admit this was a barefaced lie, they were just too shy to ask for your autographs and had to improvise If we don’t clamp down hard on this now, we may never know the depths of depravity future generations will have to experience.

Like in 2019, we apologise for once again sending reporters from our Chad Bureau. They had never covered an election, met a sabb, or hung around ‘ so many betas’ before. This was unacceptable.

We’re listening and learning and most importantly so very eager to hear your in-person feedback on everything we do. We don’t get paid for what we do and obviously can’t comprehend real work. We thank you for your service and salute you.

Yours Sincerely,

The Lemon Press

Capybaras Released Into Campus Lake

Yesterday it was announced that as part of the University’s attempts to enhance biodiversity on campus, the grounds team will release seven capybaras into the Campus West lake, they will be fed a diet of watermelons and a steady stream of leftover chips from Vanbrugh Dining.

It is hoped that these giant and loveable rodents, along with the lake’s resident dolphin population, will spark interest in the public visiting the University once again, following the damage to the local economy caused by a decline in visitors after the untimely passing of a certain waterfowl

Hal Muxlow‐Fisher

It's really cool huh?

'No Way to Prevent This', Says Only Generation Of Students This Regularly Happens To

For the first time since the 1980s, Lancaster University have won back to back Roses, making this generation of sporty York students the only ones not to have won an in person Roses. One commentator noted that ‘this means that York has not won a proper Roses since 2019, and that year was also the last time anyone under 30 ever felt happiness, so you can’t say this competition doesn’t have a far reaching impact.’

Several York club captains have demanded Lancaster players be substance tested as ‘clearly they haven’t done enough of them this year to be this in shape’ , but drug testers rejected the claim on the grounds that they didn’t want to go to Lancaster to find out.

One anonymous York student said ‘It was shocking, truly shocking, I could not quite believe my eyes - student media figureheads getting a shout out on a main YUSU Post! I almost dropped my phone! What’s that? The Roses result? Oh I didn’t watch it, I had a dissertation due ’ When approached for comment on the historic set of defeats, DJ Jason Riley said ‘ Mate, I think you have the wrong Riley, but while you’re here I can either play Mr Brightside or Timber, take it or leave it pal ’

This result puts York’s Roses performances firmly in the category of ‘Things That Were Better Before The Pandemic’ alongside Courtyard Nachos, graduate job prospects, the student media scene, Library opening times, D Bar, Election Results Night, the price of alcohol, First Bus at night, student house prices, the mental health of students, and The University of York

Dan Saxotweet

The University of York Has Bad Blood with Taylor Swift Over Longboi

Dear Reader, the University of York has recently confirmed that the last sighting of Longboi was over two months ago Students across the university have been mourning the loss of the aquatic celebrity all too well, paying tribute to Longboi all across social media, but is he really gone? No body, no crime, right?

The Lemon Press’s investigation team, long story short, after weeks of sleuthing believe this case is not out of the woods We believe it is no hoax that on the 18th March 2023, Taylor Swift began her Era’s Tour, which is within the same timeframe Longboi was last seen

Our investigative team has confirmed that Longboi, on the 15th March, made a swift journey across the North Atlantic ocean, the East coast and the MidWest to Glendale, Arizona, landing safe and sound. It is in this location, at State Farm Stadium that Taylor Swift started her tour.

This journey would have been approximately 8,000 miles and we are unsure as to how Longboi travelled this distance by himself. We can only assume that he received help from his fellow aquatic friends and the Taylor Swift Society. The Lemon Press are running an investigation into this society as we are 89% certain that illicit affairs are happening. If University of York students, staff or members of the Taylor Swift Society have any further information, please speak now to lemonpresstigators@yusu.org.uk.

Swift’s Eras tour comes to a closure on the 9th of August at Sofi Stadium, Los Angeles, California. But we can neither confirm or deny whether Longboi will make it back to the University of York after living his wildest dreams

While it is nothing new that the university has assumed Longboi dead, The Lemon Press investigation team further suspects that come 9th August it could be end game for the duck The life span of his species is fifteen years and Longboi will reach 22 in July We are however in a lavender haze as to whether he will travel to the lakes to find peace or pull some vigilante shit at Swift’s last concert

As a big believer in karma, we can confirm that Longboi wouldn’t do anything treacherous However, we do have proof of purchase of a glitter cannon, made in Longboi’s name We ask that staff, students and the Taylor Swift Society at the University of York keep watch on 9th August Longboi could be bigger than the whole sky

Long live Longboi, for evermore

Sophie Apps

Image Credit: Cameron Stenhouse

Dead Duck Commemorated with Stack of Bloody Dollar Bills

‘It was a fitting tribute. He’d always loved the fruit machines, so for them to organise a jackpot at his funeral was very moving.’ This is John Stickfucker speaking about his late great friend The Long Duck.

Over the years, John has buried many animal friends. His allotment is an improvised burial ground and he became a pillar of the community ever since he started filling in local pot holes with the dead from his basement.

John knows about commemorating the dead with respect, dignity, and most of all pure cash value. He’s sat opposite me chain smoking duty free cigarettes in-between moments of solemn reflection. ‘I’ve got 100 hoodies with a dead duck on the front now. When I ordered them I had 100 hoodies of an alive duck. I’m fucked, that’s what I am. Do I cross out the eyes or something?’

It’s clear when speaking to him about The Duck that he’s deeply appreciative of his impact on campus. ‘100? That was my pension. I saw those duck donuts in town. Nearly had a heart attack. Who do they think they are? Fuckers. Everyone wants a piece of the action now he’s popped his clogs. A statue? I’ll do it for £50 and it’ll just be a middle finger that enters his arse and comes out of his stupid duck mouth.’ Thanks John. Reyn-Mal-lard

Deb tributes accidentally all deleted by YUSU employees

Deb ﴾Deborah﴿ Day, cousin of Doris Day, was the little known musical talent of the family

His demo album was saved on the YUSU cloud storage and was removed during a freak accident in which Daniel Bennet was seen bullying Franki Riley

Tributes poured in and somehow were automatically filtered to the recycling bin

For more of Deb’s music, check out his LinkedIn.

Longest bench to be erected in commemoration of longboi.

In honor of the late and questionably great duck YUSU president Pierrick has promised to follow up the memorial statue with the longest bench known to man.

Planned to stretch all the way from Fairfax to the York Sport Centre, students are already saying it will be more reliable than First Bus when it comes to getting from A to B, gaining it the nickname of "finally a HS2 that will actually happen".

Q Cummins

Marti Stelling

Charlie Jeffrey Spending Suspiciously Long In Robotics Labs

Have you ever got frustrated with your co-workers/underlings?

Have you ever thought the people you worked with could be replaced with literal robots with suspiciously well-crafted abs?

Have you ever earned hundreds of thousands during a pandemic and a cost of living crisis?

Image Credit ‐ Pixabay ‐ Imagine sliding yourself across a bench like this

If the answer is yes then you are Charlie Jeffery, who has been building an army of Sabbatical Officers in the Robotics Labs!

The move came due to Charlie getting frustrated with repeated poor SABB performances such as historic Roses loses, literally losing Deb and reading The Lemon Press' Twitter instead of doing their jobs

Man Cancelled for Drinking Too Much Milk

A popular underground social media influencer has found themselves in hot water recently after leaked text messages revealed they drink a lot of milk. In one string of messages, the admin of the account told a friend that ‘I drink all the milk I can get my hands on’ , followed by the eggplant emoji and the ‘water droplets’ emoji.

Harry Harrison, who runs the @ProCumPosting account on Twitter, told TLP, ‘I mean, it is certainly milk. I suppose it’s like almond milk in a way, because it at least came from a nut.’ Oh. That makes the outrage make more sense. (A rare character break in a TLP article? No way! – Ed)

Fans of the account have expressed their outrage on Twitter, including its current owner and child-in-chief Elongated Musket, who declared last week that the original leaker of the text messages would face the ‘harshest punishment possible’ for their ‘crimes against humanity’ One other fan of the account proclaimed, ‘ we’ll all be having a glass for Harry tonight’ A glass of what, we may never know

Ronnie Young

Things I Think Would Have Ended Margaret Thatcher

Pronouns

Tangfastics

Black Lives Matter

The moustache trend of 2014

An episode of Euphoria

Rihanna’s Super Bowl performance

Polyamory

A conversation with Abby Lee Miller from Dance Moms

Starbucks’ new olive oil coffee drink

Pearl (2022)

Me in a game of beer pong

Beer pong

Bisexual men

Those hotdogs you get in a jar with their umbilical sauce still attached

Deniz

Tragedy struck as attempt to build world's largest jenga tower fails

Saudi Prince Mohammed Bin Salman, in an effort to show the world that he is the greatest dictator at building things, has made an attempt to build the world's largest jenga tower with huge blocks roughly the size of a few crocodiles stacked on top of one another.

It was going well, getting larger and larger…

In a terrible tragedy someone pulled out a block to help build houses for the poor or something silly like that. This weakened the foundations so that when a gust of wind (due to someone using a hairdryer) caused the whole thing to come tumbling down.

Matt Davis

Ava Young

Are Liberals Trying to Take Away Your Right to Masturbate?

Yes My mate Terry told me his Aunt Sarah got a Whatsapp which said ‘Keir Starmer, in his position as Shadow Prime Minister, absolutely banned you personally from masturbating’ . YOU, the reader. He said your name, he said your address, he’s seen your search history and he’s not impressed. He showed it to your mum. She cried. Stop it. ‘Mr Blobby gets jiggy with hot teletubby’ is not an appropriate thing to be searching for on Jstor. It's not part of your thesis paper, that's on the life cycle of South American bees. NOT EVEN WASPS. Fuck you.

Eddie Atkinson

Labour announces relaxed gun policy to ‘make it easier to shoot ourselves in the foot’

Labour have begun releasing parts of their 2025 election manifesto, announcing today that they will be lowering restrictions on the procurement and ownership of firearms in the United Kingdom

When asked why, Labour Leader Keir ‘The Durham Beer’ Starmer answered that he simply wishes to afford individuals the same luxuries he and his party members have had for the past few years, continuing on to say that it is the right of every British man, woman and child to be able to screw over an entire political party by managing to continuously fuck up in one of the easiest political battles of all time Other policies announced included replacing all workers’ strikes with spares as well as nationalising the most important industry still remaining in Britain – the production and subsequent export of classic football shirts

Louie McVey

Government Solves Teacher Shortage By Decimating Every Job Sector

Good news! The government has announced it plans to solve the teacher crisis by destroying every other job sector in the United Kingdom. The strategy, created after realising that having an entire generation of teachers striking may not be the best thing for producing a generation of skilled workers, has seen the UK wreck every other line of work a graduate could possibly have so that teaching is literally the only option.

Former ‘Splishy Sunak’ Manager Rishi Sunak said, ‘We decided that everyone under 18 should learn Maths because grandparents are absolute sluts for the concept of being able to count the correct change, however we realised we would actually need more Maths teachers for that. Since we are already literally bribing Maths students with nearly 30k to become a teacher, we figured we needed something else. So we decided to destroy the economy! For a laugh! Now all of those highly paid Economic students will be forced to join their Business Studies counterparts by teaching Maths!’

Gigihouse

Why I think Elon should have his own fragrance line and ditch Twitter

Dearest Elon, if you diverted your pretty little eyes from the cesspool of Twitter, and from your little Teslas and your little rockets, and managed to get hold of a squashed copy of this glorious publication, welcome Elon, my love, Elon Look Look at me right in mine eyes my boy You are a silly man Awfully silly I must say This is not personal, (although, come to think of it, it is) It is an attack on your very name, the very label society gives you to identify you It is an attack on the surname your own mother and father gave you Actually, no, not an attack, more a piece of constructive criticism, and an incredible business opportunity you clearly missed out on

Musk Musk It’s so obvious How did you miss it? You master of business you You marketeer of all marketeers You beautiful, beautiful man

Musk Elon Musk It would suit the fragrance line so well You know what a musk is, darling? It’s you You Elon You are the musk and the musk is you

Picture this:

Musk. A fragrance, by Elon. I can hear your voice on the advert. I can see you spraying it while stood looking at us all from the gloriously mysterious and sexy surface of planet Mars. You could bottle your smell, and sell it. In fact, you could just call it ‘Elon’ , the musk would speak for itself…if you know what I’m saying ;)

I am picturing one product is enough, all-black, smooth, glossy, could have the tesla logo on it too, why not, cross-promotion? The smell would be (all) electric, it would be cosmic, it would be ethereal. A spritz of the stuff would contain notes of stardust, the smell of tesla factory workers’ sweat, perhaps a mild hint of cobalt? It would also smell blue, if that makes sense. I don’t know why, it just would. The rest would all be you, Elon. After all, that is the name of the brand. The brand is you, you are the brand. If the product sells, the next product could just be called X – dedicated both to your son and your rockets…multitasking. Who knows, maybe the follow up to that could be called eX, dedicated to your ex. It could have a picture of just Grimes, a miniature of her stuck inside the bottle, staring out. She’d love that. Honestly, Elon, the variations are endless. Obviously when you use this idea, you have to credit me and send me money. Just text me Elon, or do a cheeky bank transfer to my Santander.

Grimes

Elon X Rishi Sunak fanfic to be released

Musk by Elon- Maybe Coming to you by 2025

Question Time Comes to York… Then Leaves as Fast as It Can

An Archbishop, a Bloomberg journalist, and Wes Streeting walk into the Ron Cooke Hub No, that’s not the start of a joke, and if it is then I must be the punchline, because the night was shit and I want my four hours back On Thursday 20th April, BBC One’s flagship Question Time came to York. What follows is an honest-to-God account of the evening, as experienced by an audience member.

After undergoing a social media background check and temporarily removing my manifesto from the world wide web, I was granted tickets into the domain of Fiona Bruce. The security guards looked as though they meant business, provided ‘business’ was some light horticulture. I was provided with a question card and pen, and told to wait until the set was ready in the foyer. Everybody was supposed to be treated to a cup of tea and a Chocolate Digestive on arrival, but due to the UCU’s ongoing hunger strike everyone was instead encouraged to take a deep breath upon entry and chew on that out of solidarity.

Inside the lecture hall was a buzz of nervous energy – we were going to be on TV! An elderly couple who had travelled in from Darlington commented on how nice the Heslington East Campus was. I told them if they thought this was nice, they should see the Halifax College twenty-person bathrooms.

We were then instructed to write a question using the pen and paper we had been given. For some reason I couldn’t get my pen lid to come off, the question I wanted to write was “How do I get my pen lid to come off?” Unfortunately, I missed the submission opportunity for this due to my pen lid not coming off Fiona soon joined to brief us on the panel before they arrived Fiona was thrilled to announce that we would be joined on behalf of the government by Jeremy Quin The crowd went mild “Who the fuck is Jeremy Quin?” was heard from the back of the hall Fiona explained that he was the Paymaster General “What the fuck is the Paymaster General?” came the response Fiona admitted that she also had no idea what this was, and indeed was still not entirely convinced such a person as Jeremy Quin even existed

Also joining us, she continued, would be Shadow Health Secretary Wesley Streeting, a man who has been described as “having burnt down a pet shop while he was at university ” She stressed that the case had been dropped due to lack of evidence, and that his plans for the NHS in the 2024 manifesto would be fully-funded Alongside Streeting would appear Bloomberg reporter Merryn Somerset Webb The libertarian journalist had been lured onto campus by Unity Health, an underequipped NHS surgery, struggling under the weight of its waiting lists Never one to turn up an opportunity to champion privatisation, Webb was raring to go The panel also featured a former Archbishop of York, Lord John Sentamu This evening, Fiona told us, Lord Sentamu would be playing the role of “Harmless OAP” This would require us to nod enthusiastically at what he said, not make eye contact for too long, and know that “he’s more scared of you than you are of him ”

The final panellist was one Carla Denyer, co-leader of the Green Party At this juncture it is worth noting that Denyer had not been invited to appear on the show, she had just shown up. When asked why, she said “It’s what I always do now, nobody would listen to me otherwise.” She went on: “Please let me stay. I’ll be no bother, honest. I even brought my own chair.” The chair in question only had three legs and was stained with piss. Since nobody wanted to touch it, the Green party representative was allowed to remain.

Finally, we were all filed into the makeshift set in the centre of the Ron Cooke Hub After a short warmup Fiona took her position to record an introduction for iPlayer “This week we are in the picturesque walled city of York In its long history, York has been home to Vikings, English monarchs, and more recently to Oki, of the kebabs ” The first question cut straight to the heart of contemporary political discourse “If you were an inch deep inside of your mum, and your dad was an inch deep inside of you, which way would you move to get out of the situation?”

“Listen,” Labour’s front-bencher said, not missing a beat. “Keir’s position on this has been very clear. Labour will be tough on incest, and tough on the causes of incest.” No further policy details followed.

Conservative MP Jeremy Quin – who was indeed a real person, though Fiona would occasionally prod him just to be sure – took issue with the premise of the question. “It’s about purity, really,” he said. “When I worked in the Home Office for seven weeks last autumn, I learned so much from Suella. For generations, her family has wed brother to sister in order to keep the bloodline clean. We could all do with being a bit more Braverman.” He went on to mumble for a while about something vaguely eugenicist.

The second question was obscured by Lord Sentamu – who had fallen asleep by 8:10 and had begun to snore quite loudly.

The third question came from a visibly distressed mother of three, Jo, whose coffee shop was yielding negative returns and was causing her incredible strain and economic anxiety. “I did not ask for your life story,” the Conservative minister said quite bluntly. In an attempt to ease the woman’s crying, Bloomberg’s Webb offered to draw Jo a graph which would show her that, in order for any economy to function, there simply had to be people as poor and hungry as her Webb thanked Jo for her service

The evening suddenly took a turn for the dramatic when proceedings were halted and Jeremy Quin was apprehended As it turned out, the real Jeremy Quin had been locked in his dressing room by an Antiques Road Show superfan, who had then impersonated the Paymaster General to be near Fiona Bruce In a statement made to the audience after the show, Question Time’s floor manager said, “We are sorry that we failed to spot the impostor – but seriously, how can you expect anyone to know who the fuck Jeremy Quin is?!”

The evening wound to a close, and just as everyone prepared to depart, the floor manager returned and bid everyone to resume their seats He regretted to inform us that, in answer to a question on environmental policy, there was a lengthy, uninterrupted segment of the recording wherein the Green Party’s Carla Denyer came across remarkably well She voiced erudite and well-tempered challenges to the government’s climate record, and offered a series of common-sense reforms She represented herself well and made the Green Party appear a convincing and viable governing alternative “We simply can’t have it

I’m sure you understand ” The audience was then required to whoop and cheer Fiona Bruce’s name for several minutes, and this audio was edited into the recording to drown out the Green each time she spoke “It’s better this way,” we were told, and allowed to leave All in all, it was a baffling evening, and not one I’d be keen to do again But, upon looking back, I suppose the real Question Time was the friends I made along the way

Sam Chapman

Truss fund toddlers

Top Five Themed Escape Rooms in York

Mental prison: this one involves sitting in a dark room with the lights off, scrolling through Ben Shapiro’s Twitter feed until you come across something that is respectful towards women There’s no time limit but we know you’ll be there for a while

An EXtraordinary Nightmare: you’re put in a room with every person you’ve ever been attracted to that turned out to be a terrible person Don’t worry, if no one shows up it’s probably because that person was you

White Dads at the Cookout: it’s you versus a gang of white middle aged men (called a “problematic” in some cultures) dressed in BBQ aprons and you have to figure out which is best on the grill If you get the answer wrong someone takes you outside and shoots you dead

The Bathroom at your Rich Friend’s House: you are given twenty minutes to find the bathroom at your rich friend’s house She told you “there’s one on every floor” but you can only find rooms covered floor to ceiling in other countries’ culturally significant relics You panic and piss on the floor You are never invited to their house again (at least not the one they have in the U K )

McDonald’s: it’s the queue for McDonald’s at 1am on a Saturday after a concert. There is no escape, you just have to try and successfully buy a six pack of McNuggets without being mentally or physically harmed. Difficulty level: comparable to escaping Alcatraz.

Ava Young

This Magazine Can Be Used As Lube

Who are we kidding? You, Lemon Press reader, are not having sex But imagine you were! You could use this dolphin themed tissue paper to make it nicer!

But you won’t because you can’t. Because while your flatmates are out clubbing you’re sitting in your flat kitchen reading student satire.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand you – I might even like you –but I don’t respect you. Maybe once you’ve read this you can lend it to your friend (probably acquaintance) who’s in the college rugby team, they might actually use it, maybe with someone you’ve loved in silence for ten years, maybe with your secondary school English teacher who you formed an unhealthy attachment to.

You’ll never know if we spent millions on research and development to create the perfect lubricationary printing surfaces; you know we probably didn’t, but there will always be the nagging doubt, the great ‘What If?’ , and you’ll have to sit with that for the rest of your life.

Eddie Atkinson

Ranking York Landmarks on How Nice They Would Be to Sit On if I Was a Giant:

The Minster: Too spiky I fear, although I hear that UNESCO world heritage sites can be particularly luxurious

Central Hall: I’m a big fan of the weight distribution on this one, and nothing can ever quite beat the view of a slightly dribbly fountain. An added bonus is that I don’t have to look at Central Hall when I’m doing it.

The Shambles: Do I mean the street or the market? I don’t know. I guess maybe the Shambles is more of a concept. I can’t sit on a concept. Especially not if I’m the size of a small moon. No stars.

The largest plastic bottomed lake in the world: I worry about this one, it strikes me as damp and wildlife decimating. Despite the fact that 90% of the student population couldn’t give a shit if a duck died unless it had an ungodly long neck, my duty to the reputation of vast beings across the globe would prevent me from going near it.

That big science chimney thing: … I think this would be nice to sit on … no further comment. I would be able to go into more detail if I knew what the fuck it was, but maybe the mystery makes it naughtier … I mean more comfortable.

Eddie Atkinson

TLP Summer ‘23: Party on a Budget

Food: a couple cans of beans goes a long way If you really want to impress your friends, buy the fancy Heinz versions If they’re just some friends of your housemates from their hometown, the regular stuff is fine You do not need to impress these people, they do not care whether you live or die Trust us

Drinks: watering down wine is fine and all but people can usually tell. Instead, why not spice things up a bit by diluting your drinks with something else? Like lemonade, sparkling water, drain cleaner or soup? It adds a little fun to the mix, as well as a little bit of danger (you could fr die).

Decorations: bunting is expensive and bad for the environment (boooo). So why not try decorating the place with twelve 8” x 4” lead-lined containers used to store your favourite party appurtenance: uranium ore. Uranium ore is known for being radioactive and seriously dangerous but doesn’t that just make things more fun? And if people don’t like it, just open the box!

Venue: big party rooms are too much of a faff to rent out and decorate so we suggest using a far superior catering venue: the space of flat land behind a children’s park people use to do drugs in. Sure, it’s unconventional but you’re serving these people beans so can you really judge? If there are teenagers doing cocaine there, you can politely ask them to move (or join in!) or just threaten to take away their vapes. They should leave you alone after this.

People: we really do hope people show up to your party but we understand sometimes people just can’t make it (or they just don’t like you or your friends). So in order to avoid this embarrassment, hire Miriam, an octogenarian resident of the local nursing home who will tell you and your party guests delightful stories about the “good ‘ol times” and show you how to crochet. Just don’t ask her about her thoughts on the civil rights movement of the 60s because you will not like what she has to say about it at all. Seriously, don’t. It’s really that bad.

Help! I Clicked the Wrong Option On My Tesco order!

‘It was just a normal Tuesday afternoon I was scrolling through Tesco’s website looking for funny sounding food names like THIS isn’t chicken Ha Hilarious But anyway, something went wrong, I was hoping to snack on humorous foods the next day so clicked for them to deliver I got a confirmation email confirming that the delivery people will be coming to take my liver in 24 hours How did I get this so wrong? It’s recently been pointed out that I clicked on the de-liver button as opposed to the delivery button So I’m writing to you, The Lemon Press, to see if there’s anything I can do. –

Jana Reed

We asked a spokesperson for Tesco for more information on this issue. They had this to say: ‘I’m going to be honest I don’t even know why that’s an option we have, it is most likely some sort of glitch in our system. I assume most people like having their livers inside of them so it’s most likely not due to consumer demand. Make sure to click the right button next time! Sadly we currently do not have an option to re-liver those who opted to have their liver taken off of them, however the good news is that there is an abundance of livers available on the donor registry.’

Matt Davis

Paying Bills ‘not about sending money to men called William’

The government have warned the public that recent encouragement to ‘ pay your bills’ during the Cost of Living crisis has been slightly misconstrued TLP can confirm that after a capitalisation error in the Government’s ‘Chat GPT for statements’ division, thousands of pounds have been sent to Williams around the world as well as to one or two Wilhelmenas. While Mr Skarsgard and Mr Nye have promised to return any funds as soon as possible, other figures such as Mr ‘The Conqueror’ have returned none of our correspondence. Unfortunately for many, the Prince of Wales has confirmed that he will not be sending out any refunds because ‘I get so much public money for no reason anyway it all got a bit muddled’ .

We did also reach out to Bill Murray, but were told that he was busy researching for a major sequel: hinting that he ‘hates Mondays’ and ‘has a predilection for Italian layered meat dishes’ .

Ex-children’s TV star Ben (of Flowerpot Men fame) has made a public statement that his former partner ‘needs all the money he can get’ to fund his fertiliser problem and has gone into hiding. The U.S. Senate has offered aid in this difficult time, but it was decided that their proposed ‘Help Bill’ might make things even more confusing

Eddie Atkinson

It's what Bill and Ben would have wanted

Ed Sheeran reveals shock inspiration for ‘Shape of You’

After years of speculation Sheeran, the self-proclaimed ‘Tupac Shakur of folk-pop’ revealed in a recent conversation with this reporter that the most streamed song of all time was written ‘about a pentagon’ The singer-songwriter described the song’s conception: ‘ every Saturday I sit down with Cherry [his wife not the fruit; I checked] to stream the newest episode of our favourite soap [Sesame Street]’ As usual, Ed meticulously harmonised with a melodic arrangement of the alphabet and aided a felt vampire in his enumerational efforts However, just as the Framlingham Flo Rida began to wind down from the intensity of a hardhitting investigation into one Cook E Monster’s struggle with addiction he was struck by the appearance of an unfamiliar, vaguely pointy, apparition

Immediately enamoured, Sheeran rushed for pen and paper However, in his haste the mop-haired maestro admits to entirely missing the name of the object of his fascination In the ensuing months, wracked by an incessant hunger to rediscover his lost prize, Sheeran put pen to paper on his opus

tearing himself from Garage Band only briefly to inexplicably appear in series seven of Game of Thrones (this would have been a deeply cutting and relevant article if I’d written it 4 years ago) Sheeran admits that at the date of release he still hadn’t rediscovered his fleeting muse; it was only when staring particularly hard at a drone image of the United States Department of Defence Building (he refused to disclose quite why he had taken the image) that music’s answer to James Corden finally found permanent pentagonal peace

Eddie Atkinson

‘I cum blood’ ‐ review

As you may be able to guess, this is a review of my own autobiography. You may think this is a story of hardship, it is not. This is the tale of how I made millions as a gigolo to vampires.

How could I have known when Beelzebub turned the water content of my semen into blood after I pronounced scone scone (read whichever way will piss you off more) that it would be the route to my infinite success. Now though I am getting older and must for some reason work out whether to give my fortune to Macaulay Culkin’s brother, a ginger lady or a Ken doll.

Eddie Atkinson

THE PICTURES CAN MOVE?!

There were times I was genuinely scared that the spaceships were coming out of the screen and were about to crash into the movie theatre It was incredible I can’t even tell you about any of the plot I forgot all of it I look forward to reading the book version of it in a few years time so I can learn what actually happened in it

Matt Davis

Joker 2 to have a racing tie‐in game.

After the unexpected success of the movie spin-off of Star Wars Episode I: Racer on the Nintendo 64, Hollywood has decided to turn the concept on its head with a driving game spin-off of the upcoming movie, Joker 2

Determined to shake off the sigma male perception that has seen the Joker placed amongst movies such as Drive and Taxi Driver, this new game will focus on our rugged hero evading the law and questioning the society in which he lives

Niall McGenity

Review: The Kama Sutra Audiobook

3/5

Brian Blessed was a strange choice for narrator.

Adam Berry

Guardians of the Galaxy: Vol 3 reviewed by someone who has never seen a film before HOLY SHIT

Image Credit: Ava Young

just really misunderstood

Oppenheimer To Feature Main Character Having Panic Attack

In inspiring scenes for men’s mental health, Christopher Nolan has announced that the film Oppenheimer will feature a main character having a panic attack - and The Lemon Press can exclusively reveal that the character having it is in fact the atomic bomb!

"Delivering a climactic payload at an important moment with someone watching can cause a big stress on a man ' s mental health, so I decided to feature a 10 minute one take shot of the atomic bomb having a panic attack the day before atomising Japan!" said Greta Gerwig, director of Barbie who we accidentally contacted but got this second exclusive scoop

The film will also have Albert Einstein having literally every mental illness in the world to validate all those Pinterest quote images

Dan Saxotweet

DRAKE’S AI RIVAL NEW SONG LEAKS!!

That’s right, Drake's biggest rival is here and it’s not what you think!

An AI has started writing hit Drake songs and is taking over the music scene; through leaks within the studio we have access to the names of his new songs:

- God’s Plan, He May Exist or he May Not, Who’s to Say?

The AI has been programmed to be agnostic so as to not go against any religions or beliefs

- Banana Phone Bling

Catchy! Linking Drake’s 2016 hit with the all time classic ‘Banana Phone’

- Two Dance

It’s the sequel

-Farted From the Bottom Now I’m Hear Talk about the brown note! (I’m NOT sorry editors!)

- How to Make Crystal Meth While Roleplaying as Your Grandmother

Oh that’s just the AI glitch don’t put that in chat GPT

Netflix’s “Beef” Orders New Spin‐Off Show Titled “Cow”, the Origin Story

Cow is a true story of a girl I went to secondary school with. She was awful, truly terrible. She told everyone she lived in a castle, which she did, but it turns out that it was rented.

She also used to make herself cry in lessons so people would give her attention She got me a detention once

Anyway, I think that it’s kinda fucked that we eat meat that comes from animals that are cooped up all day And they’re driven to the abattoir and are covered in their own shit

Hold on, I’ve got burger juice on my laptop, give me a minute while I

Marti Stelling

Cameron Stenhouse

Illumination to announce Mario Cinematic Universe

From the creators of ‘Minions’ and ‘Minions 2’ …

Illumination has announced the Mario Cinematic Universe (or MCU for short); Phase One will include:

A racing movie similar to ‘the Fast and the Furious’ with Donkey Kong at the lead, ‘Luigi’s Mansion: A Mario Murder Mystery’ (which will basically be a rip-off of Knives Out but much worse thanks to Illumination’s talented story team), and an edgy film about Bowser’s origin story, ‘How did he become who he is? A tale of turtles, music and mental health’ .

Illumination are even announcing a movie based on Super Mario Tennis All-Stars where they play tennis against each other in a sports tournament film. There will also be a film on Waluigi which will be about his struggle to become relevant as a copy of a copy, a mere facsimile of the original creation, a struggle to identify himself in a world where he exists only as the brother to an evil version of another guy

Matt Davis

Amazon to release ‘Jury Duty’ spin-off in which OJ Simpson is ‘Held accountable for his crimes’

After the recent success of Freevee’s ‘Jury Duty’ , in which a man named Ronald was gaslighted into thinking he was performing a public service for multiple months, industry chiefs have announced they will be launching a second series with a twist

While in the most recent series a fairly nice man was invited to pass judgement on a comedically scripted case, Amazon have decided that a slightly grittier direction is required, so will be charging a real man with a very real crime Tiktok superstar and quite good American Footballer OJ Simpson has been randomly selected for the process, with producers saying, ‘ we just really wanted someone who would riff well with James Marsden’

DON’T WORRY though, writers promise to keep the off-beat comedic tone that made the original such a success, with suggestions that ‘if the glove don’t fit, you must acquit’ may be accompanied by other light-hearted rhyming catchphrases, such as ‘I swear on my daughter, I did not commit manslaughter’ , ‘if you are guilty of murder, place your hand on this iron girder’ , and the classic ‘whoever did the rhyme did the crime’ (which might scupper the defence lawyer a bit given their general strategy)

While they refuse to give too many spoilers, sources at the studio promise a series filled with mischief, mishap and many many hours of combing through complex forensic evidence. Rest assured that the much-anticipated reveal of the TV crews and falsity of the court will come just as Mr Simpson starts to feel a little bit bad about the whole thing, along with the customary $100,000 prize.

Eddie Atkinson

Ava’s Film Reviews

Air: they’ve done it, boys They’ve finally managed to make a biopic about shoes

Barbie: it’s not even released yet, I have no idea what it’s about but I know it will win a Pulitzer Prize nonetheless.

Dune: Part Two: nobody commits to the bit like Austin Butler. He did an accent for a year for Elvis and now he will remain bald for the rest of his life for this movie. Daniel Day-Lewis could never.

Cocaine Bear: I just know Conor McGregor would have had the craziest beef with this bear.

Fast X: I could drive faster than these bald men ever could. If only the DVLA would give me back my licence and my car.

Five Nights at Freddy’s: your furry friends are going to go wild for this one.

John Wick: Chapter 4: imagine how short this franchise would be if John Wick just went to therapy.

The Menu: I stand by everything Anya Taylor-Joy did in this movie. I just know Margot would’ve been such a good Avenger. Oppenheimer: if I was there I would have stopped it. Just saying.

Scream VI: honestly if six movies in they can’t kill the main antagonist maybe they all actually deserve to die.

The Super Mario Bros. Movie: they didn’t do a “hulk smash” once 0/5 stars

Ava Young

The Mario Bros. Movie and the Furry Agenda

Everyone loves Mario and can now experience it in a whole new way thanks to him joining the Silver Screen for the first time (apart from that other one that we don’t talk about) with The Mario Bros. Movie. That’s all well and good… apart from just one thing. The Mario Bros. movie is a secret plot to advance the furry agenda!

There are multiple times when the power ups that Mario consumes immediately put him into a fursuit. That wouldn’t necessarily be a problem for me, but those were the times that Mario was by far the most powerful in the film taking on his most powerful enemies. Could the subliminal messaging be any more obvious!

Also in the film Donkey Kong was wearing nothing but a tie, making him look incredibly sexy and attractive and also strangely like the kind of person I would like to raise children with in a cottage in the countryside With a smile I would watch him playing with the kids around apple and plum trees Disgusting!

I will not be letting my children near this film any time soon I don’t want them wearing cat ears in ten years time

Matt Davis

Image Credit: Ava Young

we would've stopped it

Beatles sued by disgruntled cockroach ﴾alternatively titled ‘Touched by a Starr’﴿

The remaining 50% of The Beatles are in hot water after they were sued by a Mr G Samsa of Prague, who claims that not only their name but much of their music was stolen from a little known Czech Ska band he founded along with friends John Lennant, Ringo Stag Beetle and Paul McCaterpillar.

While fans were initially dubious, further research has suggested that there are a number of similarities between titles, with Norwegian Woodlouse and Let it Bee particularly compelling. The clone who replaced Paul McCartney when he died has conceded that ‘Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Damselfly’ may have had some influence on their work, but is convinced that MiShelle and ‘Eight days a Weevil’ have absolutely no relation.

Succession Characters as U.S. States

Logan: Washington. D.C. Where all the rich people in the U.S. live (I think?) Close proximity to the White House (good for blackmail). Inspires fear.

Kendall: California. So called “liberal” Absolutely loves almond milk (doesn’t really care what harm it does to the planet) Simultaneously extremely wet and dry

Gerri: New Hampshire Richer than you, hotter than you, better than you Has more untaxed offshore accounts than any U K politician Couldn’t give less of a damn about poor people, honestly

Shiv: New York Would genuinely bite you on the subway Utterly ruthless and cutting Would kick a rat out of the way to get to where they need to be Way cooler than you

Greg: Ohio No explanation necessary

Roman: Florida Absolutely unhinged energy Whatever insane “Florida man” news headline you can think of Roman has done to a T Just pure chaos A little bit too familiar with MAGA supporters but you don’t want to think about it too much.

Tom: Nevada. Same energy as Florida but a tad tamer. Fun, a little unstable, a bit in the middle of nowhere. Has lots of bright ideas (Las Vegas) but also experiences insane cognitive dissonance with reality (everywhere else in Nevada).

Karl and Frank: Maine and Vermont, respectively.

Ava Young

When I suggested that ‘BlackBird-eater’ might also be considered he grabbed me by the neck and screamed ‘THAT’S AN ARACHNID, THAT’S NOT AN INSECT, YOU’RE NOT EVEN FUCKING TRYING WITH THESE ANYMORE’ , to which I responded, ‘actually it’s really hard and I’m really struggling’ I wasn’t even allowed to suggest Maxwell’s Silver Back Gorilla (better attributed to the Monkees) before McCartney had chokeslammed me and told me I wasn’t funny and should give up and get an office job

With the-cyborg-formerly-known-as-Paul in hot pursuit I managed to yell some even more garbled accusations over my shoulder (think ‘Lice-y in the sky with diamonds’ and ‘Carapace’s Garden’) before I was pulled to safety in a broom closet by Thomas the Tank Engine icon Ringo Starr

He kissed me hard, his stubble scratching my chin, then pulled away gently ‘Tell no one’ he whispered, smiling softly because he knew I wouldn’t, knew I couldn’t, not after the way he had made me feel I reluctantly dragged my gaze away from his startling eyes, butterflies rioting in my stomach and my heart beating harder than a Hard days’ night, and asked him what I could do, where I could go?

He looked past me, staring unseeing at the brooms lying idle ‘Home’ he murmured, ‘ go home, I can deal with Paul-Bot 3000, peace and love’ , and with one last longing look he was gone. Was he a figment of my imagination, a representation of the repression of something I felt the first time I listened to Octopus’ Garden, a sign sent by God to ease my troubled heart in its comedic imposter syndrome, or was every second, every tension-dripping, heart-stopping moment as real as it felt?

Either way, I know it will feel like it was Yesterday even years from now When I’m 64, as I Twist and Shout in my Golden Slumbers, wishing I once again had a Ticket to Ride that troublesome truck to pound town.

Eddie Atkinson

Wait, you read this?

Blinkedin: Revolutionising Nepotism

To all of our loyal followers and customers, we have some really exciting plans in store which we’ve had to keep under wraps for quite some time. Things have been happening for a while but we’re finally far enough along in the process to reveal what we’ve been getting up to.

We have a new project that will revolutionise the business industry so that all employees in the industry business can do their business more industriously.

I have struggled so much to get to this point and now that it has all come to fruition I can say for certain that it has all been worth it. I have decided that although I could have spent my life working to solve problems larger than myself, my talents would be better served working on my project, Blinkedin.

So, after all of that, what is BlinkedIn?

It’s a way to help recruiters hire the right people by judging how much any one of them blinks in a single day when they are looking at their computer screens.

In a society where we’re all looking at our screens every minute of the day, those who close their eyes are at an advantage because we see what other people do not, little moments of darkness. The larger gaps between screen time in our day due to our above-average blinking means that we have more time in our day in which we are dealing with milliseconds of our imagination. We are microdosing on the infinite capabilities of the human mind in a way that many people simply are not doing at the moment.

As everybody knows, you can’t dream with your eyes open So with Blinkedin we found a way to monetise those snippets of dreams that you are able to get when you blink for just that little bit more

This will start out as an exclusive available to those with links to the company From here we hope to expand so that we will be able to ensure that everyone (with links to those people, or other successful people who buy in) is able to secure the job they want and deserve from showing off how they can blink to prospective employers in their rigorous interview process

There is much more of a skill to blinking than many people realise There are quick blink-bursts, slow blinks and hard blinks where you have to screw your face up really tight We at Blinkedin understand the skill and practice that comes with this and how that translates into transferable skills applicable in the working world

Through this new service I have managed to secure a new job for myself at an international accounting firm (not just because my Dad worked there, okay) and plan to provide a platform so that all those out there like myself are able to make the most out of interviews like I have, showing our skills through the way that we blink

Matt Davis

University Radio York to Insert Chip Implants into Students' Ears

Beginning in September, University Radio York will insert chip implants into students' ears The chips, which are contained inside a small capsule, will receive radio transmissions and provide campus wide coverage of all URY programmes directly into the student's ear It is understood that the University is eager to include a daily morning address from Charlie Jeffrey on a range of topics, from a day by day comment on industrial action to his list of top 10 English cheeses The proposals are the latest in the cyborgification of Univeristy of York students, with many students already possessing a multi-purpose RFID chip in their hands which they utilise for contactless payments or for re-entry into their accommodation blocks at 5am having lost their card on a drunken night out

Hal Muxlow Fisher

Want to compliment the chef?

Snapchat AI ‘Not Spying on You’ According to Snapchat AI

We at The Lemon Press had our suspicions that the chatbot in Snapchat may have a strong idea of what it is that we are up to, and perhaps more importantly where we are.

We asked Snapchat AI what it had to say on the topic, in return the bot replied: “ahahahaa nahh I don’t know where you are, I have noo idea of what you are currently doing at the moment” . We then asked it where the nearest Pizza Hut is and it told us the exact coordinates of the nearest Pizza Hut as well as step-bystep directions on how to get there from where we are. We asked Snapchat AI again if it was spying on us, in response it said “ooh well… maybe ;)” .

So there you have the inconclusive results of our investigation. I guess we’ll never truly know whether Snapchat AI is spying on us or not.

Matt Davis

The Science Behind Why Sneezing on Someone Else's Food May Be Beneficial

Don’t do that it’s disgusting

5 Inventions That Can’t Possibly Happen

The Pen - I’ll believe it when I see it

The table - I’ll believe it when I see it.

Electric Dishwasher - I’ll believe it when I see it

Time Machine - Ehh Maybe.

The new invention that you only believe when you see it - I’ll believe it when I see it

The Passage of Time and What You Should Do About It

2019 was a long time ago bro Really makes you think

Matt Davis

Introducing: McDonald’s Thermopylae

With the success of McDonald’s Monopoly every autumn McDonald’s have come up with a new way to get people interested in going to their restaurants during the summer. This new marketing scheme is known as McDonald’s: Thermopylae, where through the collection of different soldiers and leaders you can recreate the Battle of Thermopylae alongside friends of yours.

The plan is to have the vast majority of peel off stickers to be different Persians with there being some rarer ones like Xerxes And then for the Greek side the plan is for there to be a minority of Spartan warrior stickers and some very rare ones of Leonidas I It is hoped that the attraction of the Battle of Thermopylae will bring academics who would normally never think to go into McDonald’s It is speculated this might be for the sole reason that they can then buy a BigMac Meal, peel off the stickers and smugly declare that those events didn't actually happen like that

Matt Davis

Some wise man or other

Matt Davis and Adam Berry

Top 20 Numbers between 1 and 20!

YouTube has top 10s, the music chart has the Top 100. This is almost a combination of the two, a top 20 list for numbers up to 20. I am not an expert in numbers and some of the facts about some of these numbers might be wrong. That being said I have enough knowledge to have opinions on them and can judge plenty of them by their vibe alone - I also used to watch numberjacks as a kid so I know my numbers from 1 to 9 really really well. Let’s get started:

1: 16, What a fantastic number, there’s something special about the way it sits, in the number line. There are so many great things about this number it’s honestly hard to describe. Ever since I first heard the number as a baby taking my first steps, I knew that it was the best number (out of every number from between 1 and 20).

2: 6, a nice balanced number.

3: 4. the best numberjack. A true handyman who can fix problems with the wacky machine that sends these numbers out on their escapades in the big wide world facing spooky spoon and the puzzler.

4: 12. Twelve. I love 12. You can divide it by 4 and 3 and if you multiply it enough times you get to 64 which is one of the best numbers out of all of the numbers between 1 and 100.

5: I love the number.

6: 3. If people are asked to pick a number between 1 and 10 they MIGHT go for it. And it would be a pretty good choice too.

7: The number 1 can be used to signify superiority. It is not number 1 here. That’s not to say that it's a bad number, just not one of my favourites. And my opinion as Editor of an up and coming student publication is final.

8: 20 is a nice neat number that has everything in order, there are multiple factors leading to it being in this position like 5, 4, 2 and 10, do you get it, do you get that incredibly well-crafted joke that I spent 8 agonising hours coming up with. Do you?

9: 18 is a decent number you could probably have some fun with, not really sure what. Not many things come in packs of 18, so probably not food related fun but I’m sure it’s alright as a number.

I spent far too long on that article

what's your favourite e­number

10: The most mid number of the whole set is 14. It is fine. It does not add anything to the list. Not worth spending time on but nowhere near good enough to get praised in an article in a magazine voted most likely to be read by YOU specifically.

11. Coming in at 11 is number 11. I don’t really care from number 11, it could be better, it could be worse. Just two number 1s hanging out together. Nothing special, but certainly nothing spectacular either.

12. 5 - have you ever been in a family of five and tried to ask for a table in a restaurant, the waiting staff always give you a weird look and ask why you’re trying to buy a table from the restaurant when they have a perfectly good menu of food to eat. I forgot what I was talking about.

13. 9 can be divided by 3 but has a slight weird vibe to it making it voted as the most prime-like number to not be a prime number.

14 Oh shit It’s number 8 Everyone seems to think 8 is a lovely number They’re wrong.

15. 13. People think that 13 is an unlucky number. It is not. I have lived at number 13 and I am a perfectly lucky person, why else do you think I am writing a list about different numbers and how they should be ranked. That being said it is not a good number, it is quite horrible in fact.

16. 7 - this is definitely a number that belongs in the bottom quarter of the list. It is acceptable in small quantities but anything more is bad. Also the worst numberjack.

17. 15. 15 is the kind of number that forces you to re-evaluate your life choices and wonder what led you to being in the situation where you are sitting writing about your favourite to least favourite numbers between 1 and 20. You are here in a cold room. You have essays to write and exams to revise for but here you are writing about numbers. Will anyone read these words, am I shouting into a void? 15, fif - teen. You remember being fifteen. That’s not you anymore, and hasn’t been for a while.

18. 2. If you ask someone to pick a number between 1 and 20 do they pick 2? No. If you ask someone to pick a number between 1 and 10, do they pick 2? Again, no. That’s all I need to say.

19. 19 is fairly close to being the worst number between 1 and 20 if I’m being honest. If I had 19 apples and 5 friends I’d have one friend feeling disappointed that he didn’t get an apple, this is a travesty and an injustice.

20. The worst number in the series of 1 to 20 is fairly obviously 17. 17, or seventeen in English is a weird bendy number that doesn’t really seem to fit very well in any particular place. Before writing this article I could count the number of times I have used the number 17 on one hand over the last three months, that is simply how irrelevant that number is.

If you felt like this was a waste of time to read, please support the writer’s strike in the USA unless you want all TV shows to be written like this. If you enjoyed reading this article and would like to read more check out my blog ratingbynumbers.co.uk

Matt Davis

But now I know numbers from 1 to 20

More Sports?

The sports that Roses forgot…

While Roses is a major institution at the university, there have been a number of complaints that its focus on ‘mainstream’ behemoths of the sporting world such as ‘canoe-polo’ and ‘pole-exercise’ has left little room for more fledgling sports to blossom. After intense research this reporter can now reveal some events deemed too controversial for inclusion:

Hungry-hungry hippos: Much like F1, this particular sport is marred by the huge initial investment required to get started, but once your live hippo does arrive and your temperature controlled artificial habitat is up and running there’s no feeling quite like watching little Harold munch on unsuspecting families on zorbing holidays.

Traumabonding: For too long English Literature students have found themselves unable to play any form of legitimate sport, but no longer! A rise in the costs of providing adequate mental health services has caused Universities across the country to introduce ‘alternative’ measures, so head down to York Sport Village to the only sport that can guarantee you’ll make friends for life (organisers take no responsibility for any co-dependency which may arise).

Don’t get squelched: Fun for all the family! Do what it takes to survive in this action-packed offering developed in the sixties; there’s only one rule – don’t get crushed by The Being. Whether you’re a novice who’s never even seen an eldritch monstrosity or a convert who found the more familiar ‘Escape the shadow realm before it is Too Late’ a little too high octane –‘Don’t get squelched’ is a great way to stay in shape and expose your fragile mind to the infinite terrors of the universe

Literary offerings: Inspired by the rise of quidditch, a number of similarly book-based disciplines have risen in recent years While there have been some logistical issues in the televising of competitive bondage (‘Fifty Shades of Grey’) and the pork-barbeque championships (‘Peppa’s First Sleepover’), there has been greater success in the marketing of ‘foot-ball’ (‘The dirty game –uncovering the scandal at Fifa’) Rowling’s work itself has become the first series to inspire two sports with a sudden rise in participation in the triannual transphobic tiddlywinks tourney

So, if you were terrified that not being interested in roses meant the end of your sporting life and consignment to the care home of inactivity, HAVE NO FEAR There are plenty of emerging sports which, like the Quality Streets of the athletic world, make Roses look like shit

Eddie Atkinson

New Rock, Paper Scissors Moves

Cum: Thought I'd get this one out of the way early because it's actually a common misconception The original game was actually Rockoduo Lapapier Comus, which literally translates to Rock Paper Cum. It was founded all the way back in 1AD, mere months after the era of BC, or Before Cum. Ancient Lord Maxillimus Hasbro invented the game as a way to encourage more people to ejaculate after literally millenia of blue balls. The sheer velocity of the nowsolidified liquid scared many, so Lord Hasbro created the game where the only way to defeat the devilish paper (a reference to the newspapers threatening his reputation with tax exasion scoops) was to cum.

Dan Saxotweet

Image Credit Maisie Hemmings

Lerbon Janes

Lebon James to be the next big basketball. He is going viral.

Adam Berry

The Lemon Press Poetry Corner

An Acrostic Poem about Long Boi

L I don’t really

O know how

N these poems work

G I spent primary school

B eating rubbers

O h I wish I hadn’t, because those were the formative years of my life and some of the last moments I felt truly happy, I will never be able to return to the days of my childish innocence and the rosy tint every second was imbued with before the vast weight of society and its rigid expectations tightened their icy grip around me

I QUACK QUACK I’M SAD ABOUT THE LONG DUCK

How to write a Poem for The Lemon Press

Find your love of satire

That’s the place to start

Come up with funny words like cum And say them from your heart

The point of funny poetry

Is to make folks laugh

So come along and write for us

And write on our behalf

Matt Davis

Eddie Atkinson

Ben Brown Slam Poetry

Ben Brown

What a clown! Here’s not here. Hiding in fear?

Where is Ben Brown

Did he Ben Drown?

Does he Ben Frown

In his Ben Gown?

Matt Davis

Cutting

When you cut someone

You are scissoring them

Like they are scissors

But they are not scissors

They are human

And they need to be loved, dammit (Just like anyone else does)

Eddie Rugg

World’s oldest poem

This poem was found on a cave wall in Slough, we represent it here in its entirety. For damaged sections of wall we have had to provide our best estimate of what might have been said, in bold.

Ugg, Ugg, Ugg UGG Ugg, CENTRIFugAL, Ugg, Ugg

Ugg, Ugg Ugg Ugg!

Ugg, SLAugHTERHOUSES, Ugg Ugg Ug

Ugg… Ugg, Ugg THOugHTLESSNESS Ugg.

Discovered by Eddie Atkinson

TLP Astrology

The star signs as different cheeses:

Aries: cheddar

Taurus: camembert

Gemini: ricotta

Cancer: feta

Leo: parmesan

Virgo: brie

Libra: stilton

Scorpio: gorgonzola

Sagittarius: cream cheese

Capricorn: raclette

Aquarius: “quark”

Pisces: cottage/ babybel

Ben Brown please come back we miss you so much See you next

Ava Young

Image Credit: Pixabay

Image Credit: Pixabay

Image Credit: Pixabay

Image Credit: Pixabay

A Feedback Response from the Editors

Good news! We’ve heard your feedback for our magazine, as requested in our last edition (don’t look it up we totally we didn’t lie it’s definitely true), and here are our responses to the most requested improvements:

An audiobook version of TLP: unfortunately we didn’t have a big enough budget for this one but we are, of course, all for making TLP more accessible for the visually impaired, so we’ve included a photo of braille below to help such readers enjoy our content:

A video transcript of TLP for the hearing impaired: unfortunately, once again we do not have the financial resources or technical expertise to produce such content for you guys but we do have a screen grab of two people talking about The Lemon Press to help our deaf readers enjoy our magazine more:

Every other article to include a graphic sex scene, preferably between two wellknown fictional characters but you guys aren’t choosy: since we’re not entirely convinced everyone who reads this magazine is over the age of eighteen, we cannot legally write pornographic material for our readers, no matter how vanilla we know you guys to be, so instead we’ve included yet another photo to satisfy your wildest imaginations:

Thanks for reading this issue, you got this far, maybe you should consider writing for us!

At the end of this year it's time to say "You're extended warranty has expired" to a few very special people: Niall,Dan and his problematic alterego(vince the vole)