Editors' Introduction
Trigger warning!
It’s Matt and Ava’s final issue as Editors‐in‐Chief together! ﴾womp womp womp﴿ We were going to write a long and moving piece about how much this magazine has meant to us and the amazing friends we have made along the way but none of those things are true and we can’t be caught lying out of our asses again.
Sappiness aside, we introduce some new features this issue, hardlaunching our Lemonboxd reviews and softlaunching everything else ﴾so if you don’t like it we won’t feel too bad﴿. Whether you are wondering what body part your star sign is ﴾it won’t be the one you want﴿ or whether or not YOU are the baby ﴾you’re not﴿, we have all of your burning questions answered We also have a lot of open letters written to or about us included in this issue We haven’t read a single one of them but they take up lots of space so there.
Anyways, fare thee well dear maidens, male maidens, and maidenthems, it’s been a long and torturous ride ﴾but in a good way, like having to ride in a car in silence with your Dad for twenty minutes until you get to McDonalds﴿. We’re so happy it’s joe’ver and we get to barack out of responsibility for the next one. Thank you for reading what we write and being so grateful for what we don’t include.
Lots of love, Matt and Ava (Editors‐in‐Chief and Third Overall in Wii Watersports)
We did it!
Contents The Lemon Press Staff
Editors-in-Chief: Ava Young & Matt Davis
Chief Subeditor: Hal Muxlow-Fisher
Sub Editors: Ava Young, Adam Berry & Ben Brown
Campus Editors:Adam Berry
News & Politics Editors: Eddie Atkinson
Lifestyle Editor: Ava Young
Science & Tech Editors: Will Rowan
Arts Editors: Matt Davis
Features Editor: Will Rowan
Sports Editors Oscar Rowen
Chief Illustrator: Maisie Hemmings(Various)
Illustrators: Max Latchman (Front Cover, Inside Cover and Various), Matt Davis (Various), Adam Berry (Various), Will Rowan (Various), Cameron Stenhouse (Various), Ava Young(Various)
President: Eddie Atkinson
Treasurer: Matt Davis
Secretary: Ava Young
Multimedia Editor: Louie McVey
Social Media Editor: Cameron Stenhouse
Webmaster: Hal Muxlow-Fisher
Ordinary Members: Adam Berry & Ben Brown
Contributors: Max Latchman, Joe Best, Louie McVey , Finn Russell, Joe Venables, Dan Gordon-Potts, Cameron Stenhouse, Lekha Doddamani, UoY Press Office, The Campus West Nisa Team, Ugg, Labour Party Spokesperson, Colin Wiggle, ZoomerPoet
Contact the editors at: lemonpresseditors@yusu.org
Contact the society at: lemonpress@yusu.org
Disclaimer: No facts or actual attributable quotations are published in this satirical magazine. Produced 25th February 2024.
9 AM Lectures? More like 9 AM HOLOGRAMS!!!!!
After skipping through the suburban streets of Tang Hall this morning to get to the corner shop and purchasing a £3 (!!) copy of the Guardian to read while I put a pot of coffee on the stove (yes, I really did this, and no I’m not 82 years of age), I was delighted to read an article about holographic technology. Basically, to sum up a couple hundred words in a few lines, there are some loonies at Loughborough Uni who are trialling replacing lecturers with holograms.
Yep, you heard it right With the same sort of tech that brought the ABBA Voyage concert (which I heard was incredibly underwhelming because, weirdly enough, a hologram of ABBA is not quite as exciting as the real thing), the university is actually seriously considering beaming in holograms of Einstein to your physics class to try to boost attendance numbers After Covid, costcutting zoom classes and rip-off pre-recorded lectures just don’t seem to be hyping people up enough This will definitely do the trick eyyyy lads?!
Got me thinking quickly about our blessed and beloved University o’ York, and whether or not Charlie Jeffery will be jumping onto the trend and maxing out the university credit card replacing every member of staff in underperforming departments (i.e. the unprofitable ones like English and…um History and Politics)? Getting his own holographic avatar made would also save Chazzy J having to actually attend graduations and formal events – winner-winner-holographic-chicken-dinner Instead he can go on holiday or something and dream about universities being for the public good
I think the plan at Loughborough is to formally introduce them into the curriculum in 2025, after a year of “experimentation” (we all know what that means, cheeky), but what next? Once your lecturers are all holograms then it’s only natural your seminar tutors will also upgrade to become holograms – you students still have to turn up to class, of course – don’t forget you have to do check-in with the special code!! After that, they’ll realise actually getting the exam board to mark your work is too much effort (and wayyyy too expensive) so then they’ll just replace them with holograms too! Who needs real people to mark your work? They just need to look like they’re marking your work, keeps everyone happy!!
Eventually, after you have to holographically verify yourself in holographic Duo two-step verification with your holographic phone to enter a hellish holographic VLE (enjoy getting lost in there, folks!) then, finally, as a silly little debt-riddled student you will be able to become a hologram yourself Gone will be pesky 9 AM lectures, gone will be seminars, gone will be workshops and tutorials, gone will be Derwent College corridors with their asbestos smell, gone will be Spring Lane, gone will be the geese shite
The only thing that won’t vanish will be the new student centre because, guess what, they’ll finally have the budget to build it … as a hologram!!! Wooooo!!!!!
Dan Gordon‐PottsCircuit Laundry to be tied to the Gold Standard
The Uk is in recession People are pulling out their own teeth But Circuit Laundry has achieved record profits! In this humble capitalist reporters’ very biassed opinion, I say: YIPEEEE! I love price gouging students
So in order to further increase these profits, Circuit Laundry is tying their credit to the Gold Standard. That’s right, every time you wash your grundies their stock goes up. [this guy knows fuck all about economics – Ed ]
The freer the market the freer the chances are that the washing machine is free But when you’re sharing two washing machines with a hundred people, it will never be free. Keep on paying £4 a cycle, the economy is important!
Bring Back the Old Courtyard.
On Instagram today Courtyard announced that they no longer have the technology to make burgers, which got me reflecting on times gone by.
Back when I started university, Courtyard was special, it was a place you could go to meet friends and eat a lot of food for not too much money, no one cared about the fact that it had a 1 star food hygiene rating, we ate there and we enjoyed it, and it's much better than this ‘Weirdough’ stuff they brought in It's not because I'm now in my final year and don't have as much time to socialise, it really was better I swear.
Matt Davis
Help! I’m Being Edged by the University of York and I Think I Like it
Ooooh yes … delay the Student Centre by three years … just like that…
Not content with making me write essays over Christmas and then giving me fuck all to do for a month after, the University has played even further into my passion for being left waiting by delaying the student centre for a minimum of three years, having already destroyed loads of stuff to build it. Does it matter that it means basically no one here now will ever get any use out of it (unless they do something absolutely insane like a postgraduate degree or STEM)? Does it matter that there’ll just be a mass of scaffolding standing in the middle of campus until we all graduate? No, it just makes it hotter. If we didn’t have a constant hideous reminder of what could have been, how would we know they cared?
YES! I love it, I can’t stop, I won’t stop Give me my essay feedback three months after I submitted it, I love to WAIT! Sometimes I’ll just stand in York Station staring at the delays on the board and drool. I spend my Wednesday nights circling around the queue for Stone Roses. Sometimes, if I’m feeling particularly desperate, I try to order a drink at Evil Eye. Would I have used the Student Centre at all if it had been built? Probably not Does that mean I can’t be annoyed? Sort of but oh well
Eddie AtkinsonStudent Centre: Lord James tells a Lemon Press seance “I told you so!”
During the seance at a recent Lemon Press social, our Director of Clairvoyance attempted to ask the spirit of Lord James of Rusholme, the OG VC, about his opinions on the recent delays to the Student Centre project During his time as Vice Chancellor, Lord James oversaw a student occupation of Heslington Hall following his steadfast refusal to build a Students’ Union building, famously screaming “Colleges ‘til I die! Down with the Students’ Union!” at the gathered crowds while perched on a chimney above Heslington Hall
We attempted to put the following question to him:
“The Student Centre project has just been delayed by three years Knock once if this decision angers you Knock twice if it makes you happy ”
However, before we finished posing the question, we heard raucous laughter from the corridor followed by screams of “I told you so! Don’t mess with the collegiate system Charlie! Resist Marxism! Stand up to the students’ unions! Employ scab students! Don’t let the NSS mess with your authority! And what the fuck are your crackpot architects thinking using anything other than 90 degree angles? ALL WHO DISRESPECT THE VISION OF THE UNIVERSITY’S FOUNDERS WILL FAIL!!!!!!”
Max Latchman
Please Vote For Me As Dictator
Hi everyone, I’m writing to inform you all of a small problem I’m having. You see, in 2013 I proclaimed myself His Royal Highness High Lord Emperor Of The Known Universe And Beyond. Theoretically, this means that I rule everything that is, was, and will ever be.
The problem I’m having is this: others seem to be having a bit of trouble accepting my authority People on the street just look at me as if I’m some kind of twat (the nerve!), while the president of the United States won’t even reply to my emails For this reason, I would like to make the following request: the next time there’s an election, any election at all, please write “I would like Finn Russell to rule humanity” on your ballot before handing it in. I don’t care whether it’s a nation-wide general election or just the one for YUSU president, as long as enough people do this, I might eventually be able to take my rightful place on the throne
Please do me a solid, people, I’d really appreciate it I feel like I’m shouting into a void here Did I already mention that the president of the United States ignores my emails? It gets worse. He ignores my tweets too. I’m in a very dark place right now, people, and you all have the power to get me out of it. Show me the light at the end of the tunnel and give me your vote, because without your support, I’m doomed to die unknown and unfeared. Feel free to contact me with any queries.
Please help me out here, I really need this
Finn Russell
Clearing the Air About My Exhibition Performance
I’m sorry I didn’t get the Victory Royale you all so desperately wanted at the Art Exhibition in December. I never wanted to disappoint anyone and I made a severe and continuous lapse in my judgement that I could get a solo win so early into the new season of Fortnite and had you all wanting more I’ve taken some time to look inwards in order to work on my ability to actually win and not just edge an audience for four hours straight like I was Zack Snyder It’s not entirely my fault though, because I know they changed the mechanics between the OG season and Chapter 5! I am not crazy, I knew it was different the moment I started playing, how could I not? I’d never be so foolish to accept that it was always that way, that chicanery those buffoons at Epic Games tried to pull off!
Please accept this montage (the QR code below) as proof of my personal development as a pro gamer (I promise I can talk to women, honest)
Louie McVey
Rating the Wonderful Wildlife of the University of York
Those horses near Campus East - B- -Sometimes they’re there, sometimes they’re not. I don’t have time for all this quantum fuckery. Schrödinger’s cat works because it is small and does not live in a field. Horses shouldn’t do that. Sort it out.
Duck - A+ - These guys will, according to rumour, quack I like that about them I’m a fan of that That’s something you can believe in
Long Boi - N/A for reasons of DEAD
Long Boi 2 - C- - A bad imitation and a blatant cash grab, sort of the bird equivalent of when they recast Aunt Viv in Fresh Prince Goose - B+ - If you gave a snake legs, a giant bum, anger issues and an absolutely terrifying array of teeth it would probably die Don’t do that. Get a goose. But also don’t they’re really scary.
Hedgehogs - N/A - I’ve never seen one, I can’t rate them. The only evidence I have for them is that one cute road sign by Biology and my housemate telling me she saw one once But I suspect she may be in the pocket of the government It seems like something she’d do
Silverfish - A+ - Without a doubt the sickest looking household pest around. These guys are metal as fuck. Ants in full body titanium armour? Fuck yes. They cause property damage but I don’t own my home so I’m not really fussed.
The cows near that military barracks - A - I strongly believe that they are anarchist agents undermining the military presence of the UK government And for that I say thank you! Death to the state!
Computer Science students - C++ (see I know about computers and things) - Not housetrained
Eddie Atkinson£5,347 Cash Found in a Hole Underneath YUSU Offices
The amount of money mysteriously perfectly matches the amount of money raised for the longboi statue Speculation has been raised as to whether it was stashed there by Pierrick Roger after realising that £5,347 is an incredibly large amount of money to build a statue and hold a ceremony for a dead duck
When asked to comment on this Pierrick said: “I made the fruit and root bags! I gave you free pizza for participating in the greatest democracy on Earth! Why shouldn’t I take some spare change here and there? What’s wrong with the last ever YUSU President to grace this University enjoying the fruits (and roots) of his labour?!
Matt Davis
Dear Lemon Press Class of 2024, We don’t care about you. We want your money. We want your ideas.
You HAVE to use the check in system We can kick you off your course, and we’re probably legally obliged to if you’re on a visa and you’re not turning up to stuff Shame really, because you pay us more if you’re an international student, we could do with the money
Here’s a code so we can collect large datasets: 5318008
Have you done it, my little honeybun? Remember, you need to 2factor-Duo authenticate your measly academic existence first!! Now, you may think, this is “modern technology” , it must be more efficient? WRONG!
Think about it for a second – one person reads out 30 names and ticks off a sheet. That’s about 30 seconds of valuable face to face engagement with a staff member (which is what you’re paying for remember!). In this time, they can at least actually pretend to care about your existence and put a name to your pretty face before a stupidly thought out large bureaucratic system reshuffles you again so you don’t know anybody and they mark you with a score of 50 on your essay and give you one line of vague feedback which they definitely took more than 5 minutes to write after skim-reading the work you spent 30 hours crafting This will be all while they complain that they are overworked and striking so that you miss 30% of your teaching time.
York is a Russell Group Uni baby, we have Academic Integrity and Standards We work for the public good, dear little one, not private interests (excluding the company that hosts the check in system which probably rakes in a tidy sum) You’re in final year but haven’t officially passed your second year yet? Deal with the constant feeling of uncertainty and like you don’t matter as a student We want you to feel powerless
Anyway, point is, at least staff members used to read out your name and have to look at you. Check-in now means 30 people in a seminar room have to pull out their phones (meanwhile the seminar tutor can chill out or quickly plonk a few memes on their PowerPoint presentation to make their lecture more ‘down with the kids’) After you’re forced to manually do 2 factor authentication (with a duo that disappointingly isn’t a bird), you’ve spent a good 5 seconds of your time ‘taking ownership of your learning’ , before having to enter a 7 digit code It didn’t work the first time? Try again! That’s 30 seconds already gone! Don’t have money for a phone or laptop? Screw you, be more middle class and rich like the rest of us!
Phone can’t connect to eduroam? Cry! Have accessibility requirements? Do you think we know what those are?!
Did you ask your teacher when there was inevitably some sort of issue that cropped up while doing this? They shrug and say “I have no idea, [insert student name here].” E, voila! That’s 10 minutes of your seminar eliminated, free of charge!
Much love, UOY
Has this ever happened to you?
It happened to Cameron Stenhouse and Maisie Hemmings
VLE’s Turnitin Originality Check Consistently Reads 100% Because “All Those Words Have Been Used Before”
Turnitin is the VLE’s similarity detection service used to verify that a student’s work is original. It checks for potentially unoriginal content by comparing submitted papers to several databases using a proprietary algorithm (I stole this from Wikipedia, what are you gonna do about it) It has been used at the university for some time but only now has it become visible to students A recent update to the Turnitin software has made it impossible for a student to submit a paper without triggering a full 100% similarity score. The reasoning behind this: “all of those words have been used before” .
We submitted two texts to Turnitin to assess this issue; the first: “the article refers to a variety of technical terms specific to the domain of art and restoration; references to art media, restoration technology, and chemical reactions are continually mentioned in often very lengthy sentences” which produced the response “ yup, I’ve seen each of those words before ” The second text, “fnip fnop bliddunb gog” elicited the response “ wow, ok cool, something original” .
Ironically, there is no way of proving that Turnitin’s source code wasn’t plagiarised as it is not open source (I also stole this from Wikipedia)
Adam Berry
Computer Science Departmental Shitting Competition
The University of York’s Computer Science Department announced a shitting competition. Whilst some people have been calling this a win for competitive diarrhoea, others are hoping they will use the result to get to the bottom of the mysterious excreter in the Department
“
Fundamentally I think that we should follow the ‘ spray it, don’t say it’ model of investigation and hope it yields good results.
Matt Davis
An Open Letter From Your University to the Students of the University of York on the Cancellation of the Student Centre Project.
Dear students,
We understand that some of you will be upset by the recent cancellation of the Student Centre However, don’t be disheartened We would like to correct some misconceptions about the project’s cancellation
1. The project has not been cancelled. It has simply been delayed by three years, which by no co-incidence at all is the length of most of your degrees
2 Estates did not kill Long Boi He simply disappeared
3. Although deciding to postpone the project before demolishing the previous buildings might have been a more effective way of providing more space for student societies, our current plans to develop the area into an outdoor space provide societies with a more flexible and accessible space than the traditional concept of a building.
4 You are not cold You need a warmer coat
5. We are committed to providing societies with more space on campus in the intervening period. For example, we are currently in the process of moving societies using the former Health Centre and Eric Milner into Halifax and The Stables respectively. Both of these new locations are still technically on the university campus, so stop complaining!
6 Our latest proposals will bring numerous benefits to campus wildlife Details of these are stored in a secret location within the Vice Chancellor’s office.
7. We are not going bankrupt, and have no intention of doing so.
8 We are still committed to hosting the largest plastic-lined lake in Europe
Yours sincerely,
The University of York
An Open Letter From the NISA on Campus West
Dear Students & Faculty, Hey, it’s us!
The heartbeat of campus where you come to get birdseed and beer I know many people have complained about our prices, opening times, closing times, stock intake, the price of a sandwich, the lack of availability, the price of anything edible, and much much more.
So in order to win you back, we’ve written this letter in order to say the following Sowwwwyyyy
Come on, we’re just a lil guy, you can't be mad at us!
We know we keep raising the price of a fucking ham sandwhich and close way way way earlier than it says on Google, but can you really be mad at a wittle guy like us?
And we know the five minute closing time sign is arbitrary but come on, where else are you going to go? Lidl is like 30 minutes away.
Essentially we have one thing to say: we ain’t going anywhere
We’ve made a shit ton of wonga off you poor student bitches and we ain’t going to lower the prices any time soon So get fucked Actually, from now on you’ll have to pay to get into the store. That's right. What are you going to do? Go to CO-OP on Hull Road? What about your seminar in 5 minutes huh?
We DGAF I’m currently rolling in your student loans right now and I’m still going to raise the price of the coffee Yours faithfully, NISA.
Ps: please don’t steal from the coffee machine It's really easy to not put it through the till but 100% DO NOT do that
The Campus West Nisa Team
Jeremy Kyle to Moderate YUSU Debates
Nobody watches the YUSU debates. We have to, and honestly the amount of times we’ve been told off for live tweeting the event is limitless In order to appeal to a wider audience the hit therapist Jeremy Kyle is going to moderate the next YUSU debate and hopefully inject some life into this dead horse
That's right, we’re gonna have a lie detector on stage. Audiences are encouraged to shout and swear. Most shockingly, the candidates are going to have to lose a certain amount of teeth before they can take part. That's all I can remember about The Jeremy Kyle show when I watched it on a sick day when I was 8. Maybe Jeremy can grill Pierrick and find out the burning question: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO THE LONG BOI STATUE! Five grand £5000 That could pay my heating bill for a year. But nooo give it to the funny looking duck statue fundraiser and then not build the statue.
Where is Pierrick? Huh? Jeremy Kyle will get it out of you…
Cameron Stenhouse
New BA in Financial Mismanagement
The Lemon Press can reveal that the University is pinning its hopes on a new money-spinning course in Financial Mismanagement to overcome its current financial woes. Starting in September, students can enrol to become accredited practitioners in Financial Mismanagement This will be the first course taught by University managers rather than lecturers, focussing on a series of in-house case studies It is stressed that this is a course that York is uniquely placed to deliver A placement year will offer opportunities at industrial partners such as Enron, Lehman Brothers, and Mission Control overseeing the Challenger Disaster. Graduates of the three year course will have excellent prospects, with the chance of seeing the Student Centre start construction work and being used as paste between the bricks
Will Rowan
I Conducted a Séance to Encounter Longboi, and This is How You Can Do One Too
In my final year of university, I have turned to supernatural strategies to get me to graduation. So, in my puddle of tears, funded by my grief over the death of our mascot Longboi, I had the genius idea to try and summon him via a crude ritual.
With my circle of leaves and feathers collected by the bridge near Spring Lane and quacking out into the ether, he appeared Unfortunately, I could not reach the bottom of the mystery of his disappearance I don’t speak duck However, he seemed to be pretty chill and at peace- something we can all only hope for! The séance only lasted about 10 minutes as I was chased away the geese and mallards who sensed the brief return of their overlord and must’ve felt very territorial over him.
you ' re probably thinking "Wow I'm a first-year and never got to meet this guy! How could I do this and meet the legend myself?" well I'm glad you asked!
Step 1: find your location.
Obviously the closer you can get to campus and his favourite haunts (no pun intended), the better I found a comfy spot at about 3:30am between Derwent and Spring Lane You need a big enough space for yourself and the boi to materialise
Step 2: gather your materials.
I used discarded feathers from around the lake (the shaken-off tufty baby ones made an especially vibey setting as some of them started to sort of fly around like a tornado as Longboi appeared as a spectre) Also important to collect some water, I personally used the part of the lake closest to Heslington Hall! You will also want some candles Thankfully this put all of the ones I had in storage to good use since they are not permitted in student housing :( Finally, BIRD FEED from Nisa and some frozen peas as a thank-you treat for the special fella.
Step 3: form your summoning circle.
This is pretty self-explanatory- just make the circle with all your stuff
Step 4: call for him.
The best thing to use is the most powerful call there is- the mating call Add in some polite squawks and honks to make him feel at home Tune into the water trickling and the trees stroke against each other and call into the night for Longboi Scatter the feed in front of you as a welcome gift and If all goes to plan, he should appear
Step 5: say goodbye.
After your interaction, close up the session Give him his peas which are slightly defrosted at this point Blow your candles out and say goodbye to the ether and the other birds who you have inevitably attracted by scattering food all over yourself
Step 6: clean up
We don’t need more bird death from ingestion of candle wax, don’t be a littering prick!
Maisie Hemmings
The Invention of Agriculture was a Mistake
People often ask me, ‘Ugg, where did it all go wrong? Why is our democracy crumbling, our planet burning and our population’s ability to experience empathy slowly dwindling?’ . Let me tell you, everything went to shit the moment some guy decided the berry bushes he was trekking to should be a bit closer This was Against The Sun God
BURYING seeds in the GROUND? WATERING them? ABSOLUTELY not. You should wait for a mammoth to shit them out and then pray for rain like nature intended. No generation since will ever know the joys of stalking a boar for 4 days before it turns around and mauls your father, or finding a good tree. Every bad thing that has ever happened has derived from the invention of farming, and the only way to save our world is to STOP DOING IT Oh you live in a city? Tough Eat a fox or a family pet
Ugg, TLP Current Affairs Correspondent
First GB News Viewer Diagnosed with Turbo‐Cancer
In February on GB News Neil Oliver claimed that Covid vaccines cause turbo-cancer Recent reports have found that the first viewer of GB News has been diagnosed with turbo-cancer So far, no one else has been diagnosed with this condition and it is believed that it is related to his viewership of the news station.
Some particular symptoms appear to include ignorance, anger, and frustration with levels of immigration above zero It is unknown whether the condition can be cured, all we can do is hope
Matt Davis
UK Government to Bring Making Old Men Walk Around Their Garden to Industrial Level
Good News! After the astonishing success of the Captain Tom Moore Foundation in funding a much-needed spa for his family, Rishi Sunak has identified that the whole ordeal was actually the most successful capitalistic venture the UK has seen for quite a while.
As such, the government has launched a new campaign giving people over 90 the (mandatory) opportunity to retrain from ‘retired’ to ‘track star’ and give their pensions to the treasury for safe-keeping. Participants will be richly rewarded with the promise of at least one reluctant birthday text a year from a loved one on a phone they don’t understand and the opportunity to have someone notice if they die.
Mr Sunak hopes that with enough of the aged population gently circling clockwise around various purpose-built gardens, the government will be able to afford much greater investment in crucial infrastructure, like adding a sauna to Downing Street or printing leaflets about why we can’t finish HS2
Keir Starmer has strongly criticised the campaign and offered a wildly different solution consistent with his opposition; getting the pensioners to walk anti-clockwise instead.
Eddie AtkinsonThe Wiggles Reveal ‘Fruit Salad’ is About Oral Sex
The Wiggles have revealed their 1994 hit ‘Fruit Salad’ is about oral sex ‘It’s about going down on a broad and not coming up for air. It’s the smoothest song we’ve ever produced and people are only starting to get it… ’ said a glistening Anthony Field, wiping his mouth as he ran faster than we could to gather further comment.
Let's make some fruit salad today (Uh huh uh)
It's fun to do it the healthy way (Uh huh uh)
Take all the fruit that you want to eat
It's gonna be a fruit salad treat!
Colin WiggleLabour Party Announce Laurence Fox Hunting as a Potential Policy Idea
Everyone's favourite Keir is back in the news with another cracking policy for you! Starmer wants to bring back Fox hunting but for a very specific Fox Laurence! Yes, the guy who just lost a defamation case because you can't ruin a man ' s reputation if he spends all day ruining it himself. As such it has been made a part of the Labour Party platform to allow him to be hunted, people who don't like him get to go after him, he gets to feel persecuted. Everybody wins!
Look out next week for the next policy! Who knows what it could be?
Labour Party Spokesperson
Bolton Council Defends £3M Decision to Erect Statue of Peter Kay ‘Made Entirely of Garlic Bread’
In a move that has left residents scratching their heads, Bolton Council has decided to immortalise beloved Boltonian Peter Kay in the most fitting way possible: by commissioning a life-size statue of him made entirely out of garlic bread The decision, which reportedly came after an enthusiastic council brainstorming session aiming to find new ways to waste money, has raised more than a few eyebrows among Bolton locals With recent reports of council bankruptcy fresh in people’s minds, many are questioning the wisdom of spending £3 million on what some are calling a bizarrely carb-based tribute.
The Lemon Press ventured into the streets of Bolton to find out what the public thought of the news "I mean, I love Peter Kay as much as the next person, " longtime resident Sheila told us, “but three million quid for a garlic bread statue? It's a bit much, isn't it? Couldn't they have just put up a plaque or something?".
"I'm no expert on outdoor sculpture," remarked another resident, "but wouldn't a garlic bread statue just go soggy as soon as it rains?” The artist tasked with bringing this culinary masterpiece to life, Barry Butterworth, has defended his creation, insisting that it was a fitting homage to Kay's iconic stand-up routine about the joys of garlic bread "This statue is a vehement celebration of Bolton's rich, deep, cultural heritage," Butterworth declared, "and what better way to honour Peter than by immortalising him in the very food that made him famous." But not everyone is convinced…
One local activist has launched a petition demanding that the council reconsider its spending priorities "Three million pounds could go a long way in addressing some of the real issues facing our community," they have argued "We've got potholes the size of craters and libraries closing left and right, and yet here we are, pouring millions into a bread-based monument I don’t even like Peter Kay!" Despite the backlash, Bolton Council remains committed to its decision, insisting that the garlic bread statue will boost tourism and be a source of pride for locals for generations to come.
"We stand by our investment in this bold tribute to one of Bolton's favourite residents," said one council spokesperson "After all, who needs fiscal responsibility when you ' ve got a gigantic garlic bread Peter Kay?"
Oscar RowenEd Davey's Solution to the Small Boats Crisis
Former Environment Secretary Ed Davey spoke to Parliament today with a solution to the small boats.
"They should be given Britain's largest boats. No more small boats. Problem Solved"
Matt Davis
Joe Biden meets with several Dead World Leaders
After meeting deceased French President Mitterand at the beginning of February, President Joe Biden has since had meetings with several dead world leaders
“I have a lot of good things to say about Queen Elizabeth I, and I believe we managed to have constructive conversations about the nature of the special relationship between the USA and England
“When I met with Emperor Zhao of the Han dynasty, I talked about the importance of setting up trade routes that span continents and told him I was a big admirer of some of the work done on the Silk Road.”
In response to these meetings, Trump met with Pinochet in an effort to ensure that he retains some diplomatic ties to deceased leaders from around the world
However, Biden has faced criticism for these meetings from the American media claiming he should be meeting with more relevant dead figures from the past such as Ronald Reagan or Bernie Sanders’ presidential career
Matt Davis
"Forgotten" Fifth Wiggle Speaks Out Over Lack of Recognition and Bullying Inside the Band
In a revelation that has rocked the world of Australian children’s entertainment, the long-ignored fifth member of ‘The Wiggles’ has finally broken his silence to address the injustice he has endured for years – a lack of recognition from fans and fellow Wiggles alike
Parents and children have learnt to love The Wiggles as a fourpiece ensemble There’s Greg, Murray, Anthony and Jeff but the fifth has now spoken out And his name? Colin Wiggle
In an exclusive interview with The Lemon Press, Colin reveals all:
TLP: Colin, thank you for joining us today Can you tell us what prompted you to speak out about your lack of recognition as the fifth Wiggle?
CW: Thank you for having me. It’s been a long time coming. I’ve been shaking my tambourine in the background for years now, and I’ve finally decided enough is enough. It’s time for the world to know the wiggling truth.
TLP: Right You’ve been dubbed the ‘Forgotten Wiggle’ How does it feel to have your contributions overlooked while the other Wiggles enjoy fame, fortune and adoration?
CW: It’s tough, I won’t lie. Jeff, Murray, Anthony and Greg are out there in the spotlight and I’m forced to blend into the background like a musical chameleon. Nobody knows what I did for the band – I was actually heavily involved in writing many of our biggest hits “Fruit Salad” , “Hot Potato” , “Big Red Car” they were all MY hard work
TLP: That’s rough. Many fans may not even know who you are. How does that make you feel?
CW: It’s disheartening, to say the least. I mean, I never even got a colour-coded skivvy like the others I was just there, doing my thing, hoping somebody would notice But alas, I remain the mysterious fifth Wiggle
TLP: That must be really challenging. Can you tell us about any specific instances in which you’ve felt unfairly treated by your bandmates?
CW: A few memories stand out vividly in my mind Sometimes backstage, before our live shows, while the other Wiggles were relaxing and preparing for the performance, I was often relegated to the role of their servant
TLP: Their servant?
CW: Yep, you heard that right They would order me around, asking for bowls of fruit salad, hot potatoes, cold spaghetti, you name it, and I was expected to cater to their every whim Meanwhile, I barely had time to warm up my tambourine before hitting the stage They used to laugh at me and point out the fact I didn’t have my own colour they called me the boring
Wiggle and told me that I would never be a star if I didn’t continue waiting on them hand and foot
TLP: That sounds like a really difficult situation What do you hope to achieve by speaking out now?
CW: I just want a little acknowledgement, you know? Maybe an invite to an ARIA ceremony, or even just to be reached out to by my fellow Wiggle bandmates again After all, without me, the Wiggles would just have been well, four guys and a dinosaur I just think it’s time for the world to recognise the unsung hero behind The Wiggles
TLP: Thank you for sharing your story with us, Colin. It takes courage to open up about these things.
Oscar RowenEdging Supervillain Remains At Large
Fresh from a defeat at the hands of Jelq‐man, SuperGoon was last spotted on the outskirts of New‐Jerk City Although recently believed to have died in the fiery explosion along with Jelq‐man, no body was found. Only semen traces remained, leading conspiracy theorists to doubt whether SuperGoon’s nut had finally been busted.
Online reaction to the appearance was mixed, with some doubting the credibility of the spotting Some claimed this was merely police propaganda, aiming to keep looks‐maxxers off the street out of fear, whilst others felt the warnings were responsible Policecels have warned the public to “stay off the streets”, “keep looks‐maxxing indoors” and to “only mew in your own home”.
The only real question in this time of unease is this: Where is Jelq‐man?
Joe BestThe Truth Behind Shrinkflation
You've heard all about how companies have been making different items smaller and charging the same price. Freddo has not been getting smaller, Wagon Wheels have not shrunk. The truth is reader, you have been growing big and strong. All of that milk you had as a child and making sure to eat the crusts has paid off Well done, look at you
Matt Davis
Henry Kissinger Resurrected by Legend of Zelda Blood Moon – He’s Good Now
The death of Henry Kissinger by heart failure on the 29th of November 2023 left the world in woe – mainly because many wished that he’d die by guillotine or injuries sustained from unrelenting genital torture During his brief eight-year stint as the United States Secretary of State and national security advisor, he brought about the deaths of between three and four million people (as in between three million and four million people not just three people, but even that is far too many) He was survived by his wife Nancy, and his two children, David and Elizabeth, who inherited his fifty-million-dollar fortune and impressive K/D ratio.
However, on the 25th of February this year, beneath a Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild blood moon, the one-hundred-year-old diplomat was resurrected by Ganon’s power In the aforementioned video game, approximately every five in-game days, a blood moon appears in the sky above Hyrule; a celestial occurrence that enhances the power of Calamity Ganon and allows him to resurrect or “ respawn” his slain servants of evil By doing so, Link, the hero protagonist, must once again face the evil of Ganon’s spawnlings.
In an odd turn of events, the resurrected Kissinger, redubbed “Blissinger” , is now a force for good in the world With his now re-inherited fortune, he plans to invest in clean energy and homes for all the injured puppies in the world. He is also planning on taking a gap year, teaching English to the impoverished people of Indochina, Bangladesh, and Afghanistan, where he hopes to be welcomed with open arms. We wish Henry Blissinger all the best in his next one hundred years on this earth!
Adam BerryMythbusters: Australians
Recent studies have shown that Australia is in fact habitable by humans, contrary to popular belief Though similar in accent and appearance to Brits, the Australians are distinctive for the hard R after any word ending in a vowel
Lekha Doddamani
Lee Anderson Suspended From Conservative Party
Hahahahaahahahhahahahhahahahahhahahahhahahahhahahaha hahahahhahahhahahahhahahhahahhahhahhahahhahahhahahha hahahhahahahhahahahahahhahahhahahhaahahahahahahahaha
Oscar RowenWhat do you mean no?
Rochdale By‐election
With a hotly contested by-election campaign filled with controversy, here are the results. With an incredibly low turnout, you could say the big winner was not caring. But the real winner, that was Jeb!
Azhar Ali - 12%
Mark Coleman - 7%
Simon Danczuk - 9%
George Galloway - 13%
Darth Vader - 11%
The Joker - 10%
Jeb! Bush - 15%
Iain Donaldson - 3%
Paul Ellison - 4%
Michael Howarth - 6%
William Howarth - 3%
Guy Otten - 2%
Ravin Rodent Subortna - 4%
David Tully - 1%
That’s right it’s Jeb Bush.
Matt DavisA Physicist Achieves Fusion‐ Just Not the Kind we're Looking For
A physicist has recently achieved fusion. Sadly it was not nuclear fusion, making all of our energy woes disappear. Nor did this physicist achieve marital fusion That occurrence would be even more fantastical and unlikely As a physicist, he should know that being successful in that area would break the laws of the universe Rather, this physicist successfully fused their hand to the exterior of a NASA space rocket Quoting Sheldon Cooper’s infamous line, “Engineering is but the slower, younger brother of Physics” they decided to give soldering a try. Alas, it all went a bit awry. But this physicist’s nightmare was only beginning. Somehow a humanities student was given access to the control panel Not knowing how computers work, they sent the rocket hurtling into the sun The fate of the physicist remains unknown. He either escaped in the nick of time and is now hiding in shame, or is really feeling the heat of the situation. Either way, he probably isn’t feeling too sunny about the whole thing. Breaking News: hair-singed physicist resigns from SpaceX. Meanwhile, the Howard Wolowitzes of the world mock him gleefully on X, having an X-cellent time Elon Musk has been asked to comment, but has only responded by posting a cryptic meme of a dead horse He is horsing around, no doubt
Daniel Taylor
78% of all US Presidents have been Irish?
It doesn't take much to see this just look at the data.
· Ge O’Rgewashington
· J O’Hnadams
Th O’Masjefferson
· Jamesmadis O’N
Jamesm O’Nroe
J O’Hnquincyadams
· Andrewjacks O’N
Martin Van Buren (Dutch)
Williamhenryharris O’N
· J O’Hntyler
Jameskp O’Lk
Zacharytayl O’R
· Millardfillm O’Re
James Buchanan (Scots)
Abrahamlinc O’Ln
· Andrewj O’Hnson
Rutherf O’Rdbhayes
James A Garfield (fat cat hates mondays)
· Chester A. Arthur (city in England so English?)
Benjaminharris O’N
· Gr O’Vercleveland
· William McKinley (Scots)
Theod O’Reroosevelt
· Williamh O’Wardtaft
Woodr O’Wwilson
Calvinco O’Lidge
· Herbertho O’Ver
Franklin D Ro O’Sevelt
Dwightdeisenh O’Wer
· J O’Hnfkennedy
Lynd O’Nbjohnson
Richardnix O’N
· Geraldf O’Rd
Jim McCarter (Scots)
R O’Naldreagan
G O’R h b h
· Billclint O’N
Ge O’Rgewbush
· Barack O’Bama
· D O’Naldtrump
J O’Biden
Adam Ó'Beargha
BREAKING NEWS! Your First Bus Journey
Narrated by “The Most Sane Redditor”
BREAKING NEWS! Stood melancholy by a bus stop covered in sick, you gaze hollowly at the grimy timetable screen. You cannot tell from its murky surface whether the ‘5 mins’ represents five minutes before the next bus arrives or five minutes left on the doomsday clock before nuclear midnight. You hope for the latter. After solving the sphinx-riddle of the timetable and resigning yourself to standing in the muted sunlight with the other waiting passengers, you begin to emulsify with these stranded souls waiting for Charon to ferry them to the underworld, forming one gelatinous aggregate of slowly blinking eyes The bus pulls up and you are not greeted by the bus driver who instead claws at the perspex protection screen with his tired eyes The pyrrhic victory you have won by boarding the bus has come at the cost of your soul. You are loaded into this wheeled steel box like livestock to the abattoir, but without the ultimate relief of the bolt-actuated cattle gun. Finding a place among the other lost souls, you take your cruel seat made of air and stones and watch the grey earth turn to ash through the window. You begin to wish that Matthew Broderick would slam into the bus with his BMW, thereby ripping you all from this mortal coil, as he did all those years ago Your reflection wishes the same as it stares back into your eyes You watch as your corporeal form ages in the reflection of the slimy window, but unlike Dorian’s picture, you feel your cheeks sag and your forehead crease in your own skin too The stop button is pressed, first by you and then by several others as if to undermine you, as your soul’s final challenge reveals itself to you. Passing the bus driver, still incarcerated in his perspex cell, and stepping off the bus you hear a faint whimper from his box. You turn just in time to see three crooked fingers with blackened fingernails crawl out of from under his eyelid, juddering and dripping The longest of these fingers points first to you and then slowly arcs towards the advertisement with “Don’t get on the next bus, drive it!” written on it The door creaks shut in front of you and the bus pulls away Aged and hollowed, you can now walk around Waterstones for a bit
Adam Berry
Would you rather?
We spend a lot of time working on our issues
be reincarnated as trisha paytas’ baby or be reincarnated as one of nick cannon’s kids
fuck, marry, kill: louie mcvey (what order do you do it in?)
play fortnite on a saturday evening or try and get some bitches
be a social media influencer or try and get a real job
fight uma thurman from kill bill or fight the titular bear from cocaine bear
fight the titular ma from “ ma” (2019) or fight eddie murphy’s character from “daddy day care” (2003)
keep going or give up
eat a mchicken sandwich filled with far too much mayo or kill yourself
kiss paul giamatti on the forehead or be touched by an angel (it’s the same thing)
have a conversation with your dad alone or help mom with the groceries
Ava Young
The Best and Worst Moments to Flip an IPAD Around and Ask for a Tip
ying anything in today’s economy - or these unprecedented mes as HR always reminds us - is never a fun experience The erry on top is when the person handing you a croissant off the unter will flip an IPAD round and give you that fluoride stare a 10% tip
wever, there are moments you should and shouldn’t beg for a cent wage, and here is a comprehensive list of those times:
e best:
octor saving your life: self explanatory, they did you a solid Japanese toilet: those things are magic give them at least 5%
irefighter saving your cat out of a tree: cats are important
e worst:
riest at a funeral: not the time mate come on
While your giving birth: at least wait until afterwards
irefighter while your house is burning down: come on mate y cats burning to death
Doing your lobotomy: this is only if it’s a bad job, if they did it ll give them 10%
t the Stable IPAD Competition: you’ll lose don’t spin it
When you tell your child they’re adopted: it’s not a measure of w good of a parent you were if they don’t tip
Cameron Stenhouse
Best Wines to Pair with The Elephant’s Foot
The large mass of corium buried beneath the rubble of Reactor No. 4 of the Vladimir Ilyich Lenin Nuclear Power Station emitted, at its most radioactive, ten thousand roentgen per hour, delivering a lethal dose within five minutes. It’s also fucking delicious looking. So, assuming that the Elephant’s Foot is red meat (much like actual elephant meat), we’ve compiled five of the best red wines to pair with it:
1. Malbec, Gougenheim Mendoza, Argentina (plums, chocolate, violets)
2 Coroa d’Ouro Tinto, Manoel Poças Douro Valley, Portugal (blackberry, cherry stone, baked cherry pie)
3. Rioja Reserva, Vega Rioja, Spain (plum, blackcurrant leaf, tobacco aromas)
4. Jonty’s Duck, Avondale Paarl, South Africa (liquorice, dark chocolate, ground coffee)
5 Anything but Josh, Cabernet Sauvignon, California (josh, josh, josh)
Adam Berry
A Guide to Changing Your Language to Make it More Likely That Someone Will Give You a Quest
We’ve all been there, you’re a humble knight errant seeking a challenge to redeem yourself in the eyes of your father and reclaim your castle after The Incident with The Dog. Yet try as you might, everyone seems to be more concerned with ‘whether the reading was on the VLE’ and ‘whether Kuda is going to shut down’. You may be beginning to despair, but fear not! The Lemon Press is here to provide you with a handy guide to changing your language to ensure you’ll have a quest in no time.
Instead of, "Where's the nearest pub?" try, "Point me to the nearest tavern!"
Instead of, "Did you do the reading?" try, "Have you studied the ancient texts?"
Instead of, "What did you think of that lecturer?" try, "Do you side with grand mage?"
Instead of, "Have you complained to the landlord about that mould yet?" try, "Has the Bloody Baron heeded to your request for grain yet?"
Instead of, "How was your day?" try, "GIVE ME A FUCKING QUEST!"
Instead of, "Oh that's nice mine was pretty good too!" try, "NO? WHY? WHY NOT?"
Instead of, "Oh me? I thought I'd just have a pretty chill one" try, "PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE"
Instead of, "Could you help me with this bag?" try, "Let me live in my psychosis"
Instead of, "Thank you" try, "Thank you"
Eddie Atkinson
In defence of raspberry yoghurt
Right, I have a bone to pick with society. There has been a continuous wrong opinion held by many. For the many conversations I have had rating apricot, strawberry, and raspberry yoghurts, the raspberry always suffers. This is simply INCORRECT Strawberry is simply the worst
Now, I’m not saying raspberry is the best, that title is obviously for the apricot/peach. If you are to stand by the opinion of strawberry being better, give your head a wobble! You are simply boring if you are going to stand by strawberry at any capacity. Raspberry is not appreciated enough as a flavour for many kinds of food, everyone underestimates it There is a particular sweetness held by both apricot and raspberry flavour that strawberry just cannot reach Strawberry is nice! But it deserves 3rd place!
If you hate raspberry, you hate the underdog You wouldn’t ever give the dark horse credit I guarantee most if not all people just have a simple bias to strawberries, a deluded nostalgia making you unable to enjoy raspberry yoghurt for the deliciousness it is worth
Maisie Hemmings
Illustration: Maisie Hemmings
Top 10 York Night Out Destinations
The top three destinations are Salvation, Flares, and possibly Revolution if it’s your first week here!
The other seven options are Tesco Express and the Efe’s Kebab cart
Lekha Doddamani
As in please start acting normally in them
