It's not good enough to be nonYUSU, you have to antiYUSU.
Editors' Introduction Hello, and welcome back to The Lemon Compressed. Before we get started why don’t you smash that like and subscribe button. Inside you’ll be able to test your eyes on our tracts of content, without even having to drive anywhere. As usual you'll find the sorts of opinion that not even the New York Times would dare publish to broaden debate. Now lockdown is being loosened The Lemon Press can follow the science of our own chief scientific advisor, who says its now safe to lick your printed out copy of The Lemon Compressed and give it to someone else. The editorial team have done this as a romantic gesture in the past, although the gesture they received back was rather different. Although let's face it, about the only thing people seem to do with their ink spreading copies of TLP is try to give them away. In this issue you’ll see the latest updates about what’s being happening on campus, the latest goings on in Dominic Cumming’s life, both at home on the M1 and abroad, and updates on the government response to Coronavirus. Later on you’ll Scuzzfeed has made a return and that The Lemon Press has a new agony Aunt, Aunty B. Eagle eyed readers may notice that we have a whole page of sport, and yes, we’re just as shocked about it as you are. This is our last hurrah for the term, some of our writing staff will be busy seeking employment, but you might be able to find us splurting out content into the void over the holidays. Keep your eyes peeled. Chris Small and Harry Clay
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Campus News & Politics Features Sports Letters & Poems
The Lemon Press Staff Editors: Harry Clay and Chris Small Deputy Editors: Holly Palmer and Matt Higgins Sub Editor: Lucy Purkis Charters Campus Editor: Judd Bennett News & Politics Editors: Harry James, Niall McGenity, and Kathryn Downey Lifestyle Editors: Charles Proctor and Joe Thornton Arts Editors: Joe Thornton and Charles Proctor Sports Editor: Judd Bennett Illustrators: Niall Mcgenity (Front Cover and Various), and Holly Palmer (Various) President: Harry James Treasurer: Charles Proctor Secretary: Bex Scott Vice-President: Will Rowan Social Secretary: Beth Hubbard Ordinary Members: Nick Lunn, Niall McGenity, Chay Quinn, and Joe Thornton Contributors: Cameron Gordon, Titherton, and Alex Howarth Contact the editors at: thelemonpresseditor@gmail.com Contact the society at: lemonpress@yusu.org Disclaimer: No facts or actual attributable quotations are published in this satirical magazine. Produced 8th June 2020.
The two starcrossed lovers remain torn apart forever
To: All TLP Staff
From the Office of the Editors
From: Chris and Harry Subject: Awards Honourable staff. We are absolutely outraged at what you have been getting up to over the past few weeks. We have it on good authority that in the YUSU Media Awards, this publication is shortlisted for all sorts of different categories. This is absolutely unacceptable. When we took over this paper, we were remarkably clear, we are not sticking our heads above the trenches. When the inevitable media war happens, then the big push over the top will commence, but not now, not yet. At least Harry and Holly had the
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good decency to lose that Love York thing. So listen up and listen good, we expect the same from you as well. Every single nomination you've got, you better lose. Discredit your own reputations quickly, do something so sickening that it would make it a scandal for YUSU to cough up the goods. If worst comes to worst, fake your own death. A posthumous award is acceptable to us, if only because we can pretend you were never alive in the first place. So we hope that's perfectly clear. No winning awards. There are far too many nominations, and we're up to our bollocks in emails asking us to send videos and messages. End it all for the love of all that's unholy.
Hey, you're finally awake.
'Masks compulsory when travelling on the Vengabus' announce Vengaboys.
Yorfess Admins to Highlight Systemic Racism by Sharing Racist Posts Non‐Stop
Lockdown Hasn’t Stopped that One Man you Don’t Like from Hanging Around in D‐Bar
The Yorfess admins are set to continue their bold strategy of shining a spotlight on systemic racism by sharing racist posts with increasing frequency. It’s hoped that by allowing through even more vile posts, the community will see that the problem is systematic — with students at the University of York being part of the problem.
Whilst government guidelines have been to stay at home, and valid reasons for leaving your house not including harassing acquaintances, it hasn’t stopped that one person who you really don’t want to talk to from hanging out at D-bar. No social distancing rules will stop him from striking up conversation with unsuspecting victims on their daily exercise.
This plan has been in effect for many months but we’re nearing the next, final stage. The Yorfess admins have revealed to The Lemon Press that as part of their good cop [? - Eds.], bad cop racism routine they now need your help to stop the spread of this filth among the student body. They need you to report the page, report all the offending posts, and get the page rightfully shut down. Will Rowan
Yorfess Announce New Logo
Durham police have told The Lemon Press that hanging around outside D-Bar and then engaging in conversations with people who really don’t want to talk, might be a minor breach of lockdown regulations. Chris Small
Sabbs Year in Review
Samara Jones Who? I have literally never heard of this person. Were they important? Oh they were the President... Well as far as YUSU Presidents go, not knowing them is better than knowing them. Have you ever met one of the last bunch? Christ. Effy Hayle Tall? Check. Righteous? Check. Effy is the Sabb we want to be: popular. After two glittering years, she is assumedly definitely *not* going into politics (unless you really want her to). We were going to give her a bouquet as a gift but instead we thought we'd offer her an interview instead. It’s what she would've wanted. Ollie Martin
Holly Palmer
Brian Terry Campaign Found to have Bugged the Campkin Headquarters Bombshell revelations in The Lemon Press have revealed that the five burglars caught trying to break into Hugh Campkin's campaign headquarters were doing so on the orders of rival candidate, Activities Officer-elect, and real shit Brian Terry. The suspects were traced back to Terry after hush money was paid to the burglars from Terry's eponymous campaign team: CREEP. The burglars were found to be YSJ students and were found on the premises with low-quality recording equipment (stolen from URY) dressed in striped t-shirts, striped hats and lensless glasses. It took YUSU's crack investigative team three months to successfully find the suspects who were eventually found amongst 700 lookalikes at a county fair. Impeachment proceedings are expected to begin with Ollie Martin presiding with what can be assumed to be a massive smug grin on his face. Chay Quinn
You were trying to read Nouse right? Too Bad.
Oh Ollie. How we will miss his dreamy eyes, love for The Lemon Press, and the dope beats he lays down on a regular basis. Ollie is a gentle soul. Much like that limpy goose, we don't really know where he goes when we are not around. If you see him, give him a handful of bread and let him go on his way. I'm sure someone will pick up the shit. Giang Nguyen Who knows. Honestly, who fucking cares about academia? I know I don't. Nerds. Maddi Cannell None of Roses got on apart from the esports and we weren't even allowed to go and piss off mediocre student journalists with our hilarious banter. What's the point in living without that? Also Cannell was unable to stop the rain in October from destroying 22 Acres, so there's that. Chay Quinn
UoY Wages Twitter Justice Campaign The University of York is revealing its campaign to ensure that BAME students are safe and represented. They have begun by announcing that they are working on taking down Yorfess by occasionally subtweeting it, and are set to publish an investigation into the BAME attainment gap at York. The Lemon Press has been told in confidence that the University will argue 'it's because they don't work hard enough'. Harry Clay
Campus
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Rees‐Mogg Denies Allegations That Commons Queue Is There to Make It Easier for MPs to Be Assassinated Jacob Rees-Mogg is under fire today (haha get it) after he faces questioning over whether the House of Commons voting queue was designed intentionally to ensure foreign agents could 'take care of business' with more ease. Suspicion was initially raised when a motion was tabled to introduce large targets along the sides of the queuing area. Health Secretary Matt 'Two Apps' Hancock told The Lemon Press that this was to incentivise every MP to ensure testing targets were reached in their constituency, but doubts were raised as a lobby journalist heckled 'that's not how it works pillock'. Some theorists believe that Rees-Mogg is actually working the other way, and that this is a move to lower the assassination risks for all MPs. One MP who refused to give their name, but looks a lot like Penfold, told us that he expects 'another Fawkes around the corner', and that 'we better keep the shitting crikey out of Parliament'. Naturally, if a bomb were to go off under Parliament, The Lemon Press would strongly encourage all MPs and lobby journalists in the area to throw themselves into the flames and fire. Harry Clay
Was Dominic Cummings Wrong to take a Shit in Every Service Station on the M1? As one of many to have pondered the great philosophical works of our world, I have been graced with many moral questions. I've got myself confused over the million different solutions to the Euthyphro dilemma, and sat and wondered about how Kant would probably not pull the lever in the trolley problem. But the news in recent weeks has given us something better. Now, us moral theorists must ask ourselves, was it okay when chief baldy Cummings to take it upon himself to open his bowels in every Little Chef lavatory, Welcome Break water closet and Costa khazi along the M1, M18, and A1(M)? It has almost all the classic elements of a good moral problem. First and foremost it paints a horrifically vivid image that I'm sure most of us don't want to have burned into our retina, but that's guaranteed to get us some traction on the internet. Then there's the layout, it's a yes or no question really. You could give this to a three year old, or a 93 year old. Regardless of the drool, they'll be able to point to one of two options to give a solution. There is, however, one key problem that makes this near-perfect quandary not quite the puzzle presented. We know the answer. If I spent years and years being told I couldn't go to the loo at school purely because there were prior opportunities, then I'm sure as hell not letting 'galaxy bowels' here get away with taking three dozen shits on his grand trip north. It doesn't matter how many novelty tea towels he needed to buy, or how often he felt he needed to stretch his legs, he could have just sodding gone before he left. Shit. I've finished the article early, what now... I know! Here are my favourite service stations that Dominic Cummings MIGHT have taken a dump in on the magical mystery tour to the front page of every paper for a week. 3﴿ Woodall Services ﴾M1 J30‐31﴿ A Welcome Break classic, Woodall is often referred to as the jewel in the crown of South Yorkshire. One of two WB stations to feature a McDonalds, it's the perfect break for the next time your dog vomits all over your back seats. 2﴿ Donnington Park Services ﴾M1 J23a﴿ Moto's offering in this list, DPS is number one for all those needing a quick pit stop before heading to the mighty International East Midlands Airport. Having previously featured on Radio 1 and the 2010 General Election, it's a little tourist hotspot, and RAC members get 20% off. 1﴿ Durham Services ﴾A1﴾M﴿ J61﴿ This one's got it all. The huge glass entrance way, the first McDonalds Drive Thru on a UK motorway... err, W.H.Smiths. This is the perfect place to take a load off your mind when your massive, swollen, throbbing brain gets too much to handle. Harry Clay
Abby Tomlinson eat your heart out ‐ Niall McGenity
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News & Politics
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Actor Kevin Spacey Allegedly Breaks Lockdown Rules; Releases an In‐Character Eid Message Immediately Aafter Last night, Kevin Spacey was faced with a new set of allegations against him – that he has broken the government’s lockdown rules. The actor, who has six claims of sexual assault against him in London, reportedly fled the city following a disturbing ‘instinct for childcare’. In response to the media outcry, Spacey released a video in character as his House of Cards character Frank Underwood, saying 'You didn’t really think I’d miss the opportunity to wish you Eid Mubarak, did you?' He proceeded to say, 'I give all the love, blessings, and peace on this blessed day' as well as affirming 'do not believe what they tell you, they want me to say that everything is true and that I got what I deserved'. Cameron Gordon
Dominic Cummings Becomes Argentine Dentist The Chief Adviser to the Prime Minister has been sighted operating an Argentinian Dental practice in apparent breach of lockdown rules. Spotters have reported that the new dental practice was run by someone who was described as being ‘exceptionally badly dressed’. Dominic Cummings claimed that he used connections in the Vatican to smuggle himself out of Europe in order to ‘test his eyesight’, something condemned as ‘unsafe’ by people smuggling experts. Cummings has also claimed that he operated his dental practice in a socially distanced way.
Darren Grimes Gaming Chair Form: Analyzed. Mr. Grimes, or little D as he's known to his friend(s) [Best to fact check the plural first - Ed] has taken to the internet with a storm recently with his rebranded tripe brand new video content, featuring a top of the range bucket gaming chair. Here, for the first time for any UK media outlet, we are providing the very best in analysis as to what this chair is, what it means, and how it will affect you. The chair itself is a top range model, with a lot of custom features, including extra support around the neck and arse, two areas that he frequently causes pain in. The outer red highlight retails for an additional £50 and gives ol' grimey a plus five speed advantage in his new Minecraft Let's Play. We'll also get to find out his favourite gamer words in stunning 720p. Although we haven't been shown in explicit detail, TLP has been given information suggesting this particular model has a custom lumbar support in place as well, to support the complete lack of spine. This set up contrasts his LGB keyboard beautifully. What does this mean for you though? Well, it looks like ordinary internet commuters are going to have to force themselves through more dreck on their regular forums and sites. Shite merchants and retweet bots will be given opportunities to show off, and similar opposing accounts should see some added activity on their Twitter profiles. We were expecting this new rubbish to be Turning Point flavoured, and although Darren seems to be moving away from them publicly, we can reveal that TPUK CEO Oliver Anisfeld does have his face stamped underneath the chair. Harry Clay
Michael Gove has tweeted about the matter ‘It isn’t a crime to care about teeth’, and then proceeded to ‘accidentally’ like several other tweets. The government has responded by still not sacking Dominic Cummings, denying that he’s broken the rules, and lifting the lockdown restrictions to allow people to fuck bats. Chris Small
NHS Track and Trace To be Used to Find Lord Lucan All 25,000 contact tracers have been set the challenging task of finding the missing, presumed dead 7th Earl of Lucan: Lord Lucan. This follows Sandra Rivett exhibiting severe coronavirus symptoms such as an extreme shortness of breath. It is believed Lord Lucan came into very close contact with Rivett. Tracers have not been able to find Sandra Rivett but Lord Lucan’s blood-stained car proves a promising lead in the fight to stop coronavirus transmission. In the daily briefing, Matt Hancock was clear, 'we need to stop coronavirus in its tracks and that begins with tracking, tracing, and testing Lord Lucan'. When found, Lord Lucan will be tested for coronavirus. If he tests positive, he will have to self-isolate for 14 days. Will Rowan
thelemonpress.co.uk
Don't do it Darren...
Johnson Defends Pedophile Disguised as Nightingale Hospital In a shocking turn, the Prime Minister has spent yet more political capital defending Sheffield’s most notorious pedophile. The defence is based on the notion that the pedophile was ‘acting based on his parental instincts’. In a similar way to how Cummings needed to drive 260 miles to ensure adequate childcare, the monster allegedly needed to prowl the streets of Sheffield on a childcare rampage. The daily briefing descended into farce as the government had to defend troubling new allegations of lockdown breaches. The Guardian revealed that the pedophile had driven 30 miles to visit a ‘local beauty spot’ right next to the largest primary school in the county. Apparently, he needed to ‘check his eyesight’ using his incredibly powerful set of binoculars aimed at the playground. Titherton
News & Politics
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Click here to update to COVID20. 16GB Dual Channel HyperX Fury DDR4, 256GB M.2 PCIe NVMe SSD. Must be open minded about body pillows and personal hygiene. - FaZe_Brian
The Lemon Press In‐House Life and Love Expert Solves Your Problems Dear Aunty B, I really like cooking, and want to cook for a new friend I've made, but I spend all my time in the kitchen drinking and don't make anything edible to anyone who's had less than a bottle of wine. What can I do? - K. Floyd Cooking is a great way to someone’s heart. Conversely, drinking is a great way to cope with being a beta cuck with no game. It’s very normal to feel like you aren’t good enough when your skills and abilities don’t live up to somebody’s expectations. You shouldn’t feel bad for not being able to cook. This isn’t your fault, this is the fault of women and their too high expectations. You’d never be expected to cook in the good old days when women were property. Unfortunately, our modern world is plagued with women under the impression that they are people - and you deserve better, Keith. There are some great support groups online for men just like you - tired of not reaching the impossible standards of 21st century women. If you ever do decide to try and improve your culinary skills, you should be doing it for yourself not for anyone else. A great, simple recipe to try is killing and skinning the women that reject your advances. All the best, Aunty B Dear Aunty B, my wrist doesn't work. - Anonymous Former Vision Editor Sometimes we have to ask ourselves tough questions like ‘Is this relationship really working?’, ‘Have I been in the wrong?’, and in your case ‘Is my wrist that necessary, or is it just holding me back?’. I think, most likely, in the current global situation, your wrist (and the attached hand) don’t count as ‘essential’ which means the best course of action is an amputation. Hospitals are swamped at the minute, so rather than having to wait, lugging your wrist around for weeks on end, an ‘at-home’ amputation is perfectly satisfactory. You could do this on your own or with the help of a friend. Don’t worry, it’s not as scary as it sounds. All you need is a decently sized knife, saw, or cleaver. It is important this is sharp (I learnt this the hard way). A few fast and hard hacks through flesh and bone and your wrist won’t pain you any longer. Good luck, Aunty B Dear Aunty B, I keep writing to the papers to publish my lonely hearts ad, but none of them will accept it! How can I improve this? 44 M Seeking 18-26 F. Chunky man with funky features looking for woman of my dreams. All offers considered. Aspiring (e) athlete with i5 9600k, NVIDIA GeForce GTX 1660, 5
Features
It’s great that you’re trying to put yourself out there and it must be hard to have not yet been successful. If the papers refuse to print your ad, it might be time to take things into your own hands. Try printing out your ad and posting it through doors in your local community or putting it up on community news boards. If you want to cast your net a bit further afield you could try posting it in the twitter replies of a girl that does cosplay. As for the content of your ad, I applaud you in being clear and direct about what you’re looking for. I don’t see any issues that any of the papers could have had with your ad, you seem like a very appealing man. If you have no luck in your search, you can always text me at 07795554431. Hope to hear from you, Aunty B xxx
The Best Sex Positions To Try with a Woman Who Doesn’t Exist You’ve put the plastic rose petals on the bed, you’ve got the Top Gun soundtrack playing on the radio, you’ve nearly put out the raging fire FROM THAT FAULTY MICROWAVE FROM TARGET. You’re relaxed. You’re feeling good, lockdown is not stopping you from enjoying yourself. We’re now going to run down the top five sex positions you must try during lockdown with your imaginary wife. 5. The Wheelbarrow: Exercise is always good, especially when it’s being put to use constructing your new home in the garden shed so your imaginary wife’s boyfriend can move in your four bed villa in Rotherham. Just keep chopping down logs and moving them over to the poky corner of the garden with your wheelbarrow. If you keep this up, he’ll be able to move in within the week. 4. Face-off: This thriller starring Nicholas Cage and John Travolta will have you on the edge of your bed. Once you get started, you’ll be hooked. 140 minutes of hot action await if you have the stamina. Spice things up by turning on the director’s commentary. 3. Clapping for the NHS: Get that free headset they bundled with an Xbox 360 and put the microphone right next to the headphone’s speaker. You’ve now created what we call a ‘feedback loop’. Now start clapping as loud as you can and hear it ring out. You’ll be hearing the results of this technique for hours to come. 2. Cowboy: Dim the lights, get some snacks, and load up Red Dead Redemption 2. It’s an old favourite which received a 97 rating from the sex experts at METACRITIC.COM 1. Couples counselling: You and your imaginary wife could benefit from working through your problems. If that doesn’t work, just keep on reading Scuzzfeed. Will Rowan
Find content like this but better on Twitter @TheOnion.
Darren Grimes: gamer girl or heated gamer moment?
Sports You Can Try in These Tryingly Uncertain Times In these trying and uncertain times it’s important to remember that our lord the Boris suggests you continue to exercise daily, just like we all did every single day back before the event. But how’s a socially responsible person/recluse supposed to keep fit with the event happening outside? Football All you really need for this one is something to use a ball and some real team players to help you out. The good thing about this (and all team sports really) is you can get the whole house involved. Whether you’ve been banished to live with your family or stuck with your housemates, they can all join in on this one. A good tip is not to bother discussing this activity with your co-habitants beforehand. Throw whatever you’re using as a ball into the mix and start tackling like the ref's not looking. They’ll thank you later. Long Distance Running Are you going to let Captain Tom beat your step count? I don’t think so; he’s an old man and you’re not an old man. You’re going to beat that old man and you’re going to do it faster than he ever could. Short Distance Running As above but for people willing to get beaten by an old man. Golf The sport of presidents, and that’s definitely a good thing. Plus, it’s not just fashionable among the rich and bad at their job, it’s also really easy to set up at home. Just drill a hole in your floor and hit some shit into it. Rugby The main things you’ll need for this one is a fucking lot of booze and room that looks a bit like salvos on a Wednesday. If you can’t find an appropriately shitty location just throw up, turn the lights off and stick on some shitty music to get you and the boys going. Talking of the boys, you’ll want to video call them all so you can exchange notes on which member of the netball team you’ve got a chance with. Bonus points for inclusion of togas. Matt Higgins
Everyone who Understood the Rules of Cricket Dies During Pandemic The long-awaited silver lining to the Coronavirus pandemic has come, not in the form of renewed social responsibility, or a less overwhelmed health service, but in the realisation that cricket is finally dead. An inevitable consequence of a disease that targets both the old and the overweight, cricket teams have discovered that umpires across the U.K, may have benefited from occasional physical exertion. We reached out to several cricket clubs for comment, before remembering no one fucking cares. Harry James
Hang on, that's not right.
The Lemon Press Saves Sports Journalism The publication’s famous sports section, home of ground-breaking articles such as 'Little Bitch Boy Finally Wins Tournament’ and 'Roy Hodgson for PM!', has been praised by journalists across the country for its ‘ahead of the curve’ sports coverage. Following the suspension of everything due to the COVID-19 outbreak, there was an air of desperation in the world of sports journalism. But in this time of darkness, The Lemon Press remained a beacon of hope, revealing a sacred truth to all who dared listen – you have never needed to watch sport to write about it. Inspired by these words Britain’s journalists have followed The Lemon Press’s example and began to fill their back pages with video game content, unrelated quizzes and political pandering. There’s no need to thank us. Niall McGenity
A New Dawn in Gaming/Sport Relations? In what now seems an inevitable consequence of many sport leagues agreeing to temporarily host matches online, Ofcom has today issued a warning about the growing prevalence of what can only be described as 'heated gamer moments' being broadcast across the sporting world. Parents have watched on in horror as their children’s heroes call each other 'ugly little cunts' and pledge to track down and kill their rivals for FIFA goals that were either blatant hacking or unimaginable luck. Formula-E driver Daniel Abt has given a special thanks to the esports player that he hired to impersonate him and achieve his dream of a podium position finish, but this gratitude may be too little too late. In professional sport’s hour of need they turned to gamers, they turned to the people they bullied in year six for talking about Roblox Lumber Tycoon instead of 'the match last night', so it remains to be seen whether Coronavirus has brought a fragile truce or perhaps a lasting peace between society’s most polarized subcultures, gaming and sport. Harry James
Hyper Rich Footballers to Receive Much Needed Government Support
The Treasury has today announced a new set of bailouts to those hit hardest by the Coronavirus, intangibly wealthy footballers. Outlining their plan, Rishi Sunak explained that losing 20% of £85,000,000 is actually a lot more money than 20% of £12,000. 'How would you like it if I asked you to live on £15,000,000 less per year? If I asked you to give me fifteen million of your hard-earned pounds, you’d probably think that’s unfair' the Chancellor added. Many speculate the government is hoping to revitalize key industries such as supercar manufacturing, the building of mega yachts, the procurement of high end prostitutes, and the supply of cocaine by providing economic stimulus to the nation’s biggest customers. The new changes come as pressure to increase support for the NHS has waned. One spokesmen explained 'it’s a return to the natural order of Britain, a return to valuing men who are good at running and kicking at the same time 3000% more highly than those saving our lives day in, day out, and government policy has to respect that'. Harry James
Sport
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Oh look at you. You read an entire 8 page magazine. Well done genius.
Letters to the Editors Dear Editors, Sebastien, my 19 year old Oxbridge educated child, is refusing to use the toilet (there are hidden cameras the 'deepstate' is using to take our anus measurements, apparently), so has taken to shitting into his drawers, cupboard and own underwear. I am being FORCED to hose him and his room down daily, leaving me no time to write think pieces for The Spectator on how trans children caused Brexit. Without my cleaner (Consuela), I would be forced into making my Minecraft Twitch streaming husband help, taking away his god-given right to finish his 4th Skyrim play-through (Big Boobs mod enabled). Owen Jones has breached my human rights. How dare he say that we should pay our cleaners to stay home! What are they supposed to do with their time? Clean their own homes and leave mine smelling like the sad end of an abbatoir? It's antifeminist to make me stop my child shitting en masse across his room, and my Twitter mentions prove it. - Karen Situm Dear Editors, Nobody cared who I was until I put on the mask. Joe Biden To the Editors, Please find attached my cease and desist letter in regard to your article discussing my chair. I deny any and all allegations made in your 'paper' and refer you to the conclusions of the Metropolitan Police that state clearly I CAN DO NO WRONG YOU CANNOT ACCUSE ME OF ANYTHING I AM MY OWN FREE MAN AND YOU WILL NEVER STOP ME LIBERAL CUCK. D. Grimes
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Dear Sirs, In my previous letter, I pointed out that your news output was damaging the content of our other student papers. It appears you haven't learned a thing, and are continuing to publish news inspired content. As such, I will be writing with immediate vigour to your financiers at YUSU to demand an end to your so-called Lemon Press. You've been getting away with this for far too long, and it's about time someone put a stop to you. Yours regrettably, Charles Handbasket Oi Cunts, Yorfess isn't racist OKAY. It's only wankers like you that make it look racist after you misquote what we publish. Everything we put out there is by students, for students, and we have absolutely no responsibility for the things we put out to thousands of people. It's only the students who say the racist things who are at fault and us admins might not even agree with it. We publish non racist things too, but when do they ever get shown? Never. And anyway, how come you sTuDeNt MeDiA people always talk about our racist content SO SOON after we publish it. That's a little suspicious isn't it? Anyway, you're not funny and never were. Yours anonymously, A. Reynolds - Anonymous Yorfess Admin
Letter from our foreign reporter: Coronavirus in Sodor The Island of Sodor has been hit hard by Coronavirus, with the trains themselves being affected by Coronavirus. Little is understood about the transmission of the virus amongst trains, but the current theory is that the steam from the trains is a possible transmission vector of the virus. Unlike the United Kingdom and other European nations, Sodor's response is not restrained by democracy and Sir Topham Hatt's absolute rule has been uncompromising in fighting the virus, with Sodor's test and trace system being world-class when it comes to fixing the numbers. TLP's Sodor Correspondent
Sir Topham Hat has taken an extreme aproach to enforceing self‐isolation Dear Editors, The Lemon Press should be given enough money to buy a Lemon Yacht in order to improve student morale. Christopher 'Hopes to get a new perk' Small
Personals and Lonely Hearts M 40ish 4 F 19-25 GSOH, considered good looking by my mum looking for adventurous free spirit who doesn't mind sharing the flat with my mum. Must be desperate, but still a virgin. Looking for marriage or more, no frequent readers, please. M 20 4 Love York Award Looking for recognition, acknowledgment or support in the form of a reasonably high stakes award. Will commit to sexual deviance if necessary, but absolutely refuse to input effort. 23 M looking for a pseudonym. I already have five but more are always welcome to join the fun. 48 M, looking for a discreet place to go to the toliet Must be somewhere near the M1, M18, or A1(M). Ideally low risk of onlookers, willing to travel to find the 'one'. Must accept that I'm very intelligent, can't be a public school bluffer.
Yorfess Yorfess is crap They didn't do the NHS clap Plus all the racist posts I hate them the most Bex Scott
Virtual Open Day TELEGRAM The Pleasure of your Company is Requested at the Marriage Undoing of CHARLES EDWARD BAKER and MARGARET SUSAN FLETCHLEY BAKER at FIFTEEN HUNDRED HOURS THIS THURSDAY COUNCIL OFFICES Drinks will be provided after the unhappy couple are officially split.
Letters & Poems
Virtual open day, Two hours of Google Hangout, Having a great time Will Rowan
Charge of the SPAD Brigade Half a league, half a league, half a league onward, Into the shadow of Barnard Castle Drove the Dom Cummings Alex Howarth
We'll get to you in the holidays, look out...