The Lemon Press – Issue 43 by The Lemon Press

We're here. You're here. Let's get to it.

Editors' Introduction

Have you seen these editors?

Lucy- Age 22, brown hair, brown eyes, far too tall for a woman, might in fact be Big Foot, but she’s never confirmed. Will- Age 21, dark brown hair, green eyes, fantastic sense of humour. Impeccable fashion sense… Wait, I’m allowed to just write about myself? Brilliant. While the police are looking into the case, whispers have been heard around campus of their whereabouts. Some said they went overboard with drinks at D-Bar (where our weekly meetings are, please come along). Some said they were yet another victim of Vision recruitment. Some said that YUSU finally got sick of their satirical shenanigans. You can’t make a student satire magazine without also making some enemies. But there were no such warnings before their disappearance, according to sources familiar with the pair of them. During the last week, they've been spotted looking anxious and dead-eyed, perhaps because they knew they had to get this magazine out within a week’s time. One was even heard saying, ‘I wish I was missing, then I wouldn’t have to deal with this.’ But who could have expected that they would then go missing? There have been reports of some odd figures — perhaps connected to the editors — who were hunched over laptops in the Fairhurst building of the library, muttering about publishing software and fonts, and all the things you’ll expect to find in this issue. Wherever they may be, they must be thankful for the calling of an early general election. It's events like these that provide the much-needed 'content', no matter how dreadful the result may be for anything apart from The Lemon Press. In the end, that's what really matters. The country may be a mixture of burning and flooding but The Lemon Press can always be used as fuel for the fire and to mop up the mess afterwards. Lucy Finnighan and Will Rowan

On your marks...

Contents Campus News & Politics Lifestyle Science & Tech Arts Features Sports Letters & Horoscopes

pp 3-8 pp 9-18 pp 19 pp 20-21 pp 22-23 pp 24-27 pp 28 pp 29-30

The Lemon Press Staff Editors: Lucy Finnighan and Will Rowan Deputy Editors: Chris Small and Perkin Amalaraj Sub Editor: Lucy Purkis Charters Campus Editor: Judd Bennett News & Politics Editors: Kathryn Downey, Niall McGenity, and Harry James Lifestyle Editors: Charles Proctor and Joe Thornton Arts Editors: Joe Thornton and Charles Proctor Sports Editor: Judd Bennett Covers: Holly Palmer (Front Cover) and Harry Clay (Back Cover) President: Harry Clay Treasurer: Cole Smith Secretary: Chris Small Vice-President: Michael Peel Social Secretaries: Perkin Amalaraj and Alex Andrews Ordinary Members: Ashvini Rae, Myles Dunnett, and Henry Dyer Contributors: Reynard, Matt Higgins, James Rhodes, Bex Scott, Greg Waddell, Alex Howarth, Alfie Gerzimbke, Amy Howarth, Chay Quinn, Nick Lunn, and Giles Beattie If you want to be a section editor you are in luck! An EGM for the Features Editor and Sci & Tech Editor positions will be held in the coming weeks. We will put out an email in advance. Contact the editors at: thelemonpresseditor@gmail.com Contact the society at: lemonpress@yusu.org Please note: This is a satirical magazine. Quotations and facts likely to be inaccurate. Produced 13th Nov 2019.

Contents

We live in a societies committee.

Intercepted Letter of Complaint from TPUK Look out! The intelligence team at The Lemon Press has intercepted this letter of complaint, which was posted first-class to York Vision in a flaming envelope this morning… Dear people at York Vision, Contrary to your horrendously inaccurate report, Turning Point UK is a conservative grassroots movement that exists to challenge the left-wing dominance on campuses – especially campuses like York. People like you say that Turning Point UK runs on conspiracy theories. But that’s just what your leftist professors have been telling you. Here are some alternative facts. Turning Point UK is an exciting student movement staffed by compassionate, intelligent, sympathetic people. We treat our political opponents fairly. But, being leftists, you are happy to be dishonest, intolerant bigots who delight in making conservative students’ lives as hard as possible. For shame! Dishonest 'journalists' like you ignore the good things that conservative students do. Only yesterday I was speaking to some of our members about campaigns TPUK can run in 2020. 'We hate fags!' they said to me. 'Let’s get rid of all the fags!' It was clear to me that they want to encourage students to stop smoking. Even leftists like you will admit that this is a good idea but you won’t report this because it would show our members for who they really are. In fact, I think our members care a lot about health. Only yesterday we were discussing new conservative policies for helping people from working-class backgrounds get better healthcare. 'Sterilise them!' the others said to me. 'Sterilise the poor!' What a great idea, I thought: free vaccinations for working-class people. But will a good idea from young conservatives get a fair hearing from biased leftist 'journalists' like you? Fat chance! This month we are supporting two good causes at once. We will all be growing moustaches to support 'Movember' and, to save on electricity usage, we will only shave the bits around, but not directly under, our noses. But again, you won’t report this because of how it would make us look. As disingenuous leftists, you also ignore the awful abuse that remoaners and socialists throw at young conservatives. We get called liars, careless, unthinking libellers, all because we have the bravery to accuse every single leftist of loving antiSemitism and terrorism. It’s so unfair! You should be sticking up for us, not joining in! Unlike you, we at Turning Point UK are open-minded. That’s why our good friend Charlie Kirk, the much-respected leader of Turning Point USA, who believes in traditional American values, toasted the Queen at our fundraising dinner. It’s why, in article for the Turning Point UK website, I wrote about why I am a conservative, that 'if a policy is deemed "socialist" but works, I am all for it, because the greater good surpasses personal ideology.' You call us hypocrites, but if you want hypocrisy, you should look in the mirror. The fact that our application for ratification has been rejected three times is a sign of just how indoctrinated with leftism students at York are. It is a sign of how important it is for Turning Point UK to apply a fourth time, and a fifth time, and a sixth time. You are leftists. You are liars. These days, they are the same thing. I hope I never bump into you in a unisex toilet. Yours sincerely, …as intercepted by Reynard

Campus

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My dad reads this.

York Vision Investigation

Nousespeak Vocabulary

As an exclusive top-secret York Vision investigation revealed last week, the staff at Heslington Hall have been caught using the toilets up to three times in a working day. The York Vision line on the matter is simple. These people work for us. We pay their salaries in our fees and this excessive use of the facilities in Hes Hall (which we're not invited to use) is not on. If the Uni carries on like this, we could expect to see hundreds, if not thousands of students take to the stalls in protest. This is no future for our university and unless new VC Charlie Jeffery does something quickly, we're all for the ﬂush.

Prod - Production, the week you sacriﬁce to the blood gods to make the paper. EdDec - An Editors decision. Not to be questioned, not to be ignored. MedCom - Media Committee 2+2=5 - How we get away with so much money at MedCom Ownlife - The anti-Nouse tendency to not put all your latest articles on Facebook and not add every single position you've held on LinkedIn Unperson - A former editor Bland - A comment piece PlusBland - An Editors comment piece DoublePlusBland - The ﬁrst big comment piece sometimes written by the editor but occasionally someone else ThoughtCrime - Putting an opinion in a comment piece Malquoted - Whatever The Lemon Press say about us Harry Clay

Sign of the Times: Anti-Gamer Signs Appear on Campus

In the latest string of blunders and mistakes by our university, York Vision can finally, exclusively and totally reveal that the Nouse editorial team have been ordering takeaway all week to their office. The media society getting more funding than any is pouring money down the drain on expensive delivery options including Uber Eats and Deliveroo. One intrepid York Vision reporter managed to peak through their window to see Five Guys, and Subway before being told to 'fuck off'. Although we can't conclusively prove that the food was bought with society money, and that Vision hasn't done the same, what we can tell you is that we reported on this first, before anyone else, and that's what matters. We'd like to correct an article we published earlier in the term. The article detailing the exploits of Activities Officer Ollie Martin headlined 'TOP YUSU OFFICER MAKES PRICEY GAFF' described the receipts he passed through YUSU Finance, including one Amazon order for office equipment totaling £4890. York Vision has now learned that the order was for £48.90, and although we'd like to apologise for the mistake, we're not going to. Harry Clay

Student Sound Off

'I'm saving most of my 'sound off' for my column to be honest'

Chris Small

Email us at thelemonpresseditor@gmail.com

Will Rowan

Campus

Please send us £7 to buy Harry a new coat.

Being a Sabb Is a 'Perfectly Acceptable' Way to Spend a Year in Industry, YUSU Research Argues

All students believe that being a Sabbatical Officer counts The research was the highest, most immediate priority of the 'perfectly acceptably' as a year in industry, according to research 2019/2020 Academic Officer, The Lemon Press understands. commissioned by the YUSU Academic Officer. A YUSU spokesperson said that it was now 'YUSU’s official view Drawing on 'extensive' anonymous surveying, which commenced that being a Sabb counts as a year in industry' and 'what’s more, 'as a matter of urgency' in July this year, the report states that it’s an extremely sensible thing to do' and the sign of a 'brilliant students at the University of York see no problem with a student student.' running to be a Sabb in order to fulfil the criteria of a placement or a year in industry. When The Lemon Press pointed out that only one individual responded to the surveys on which the report was based, a YUSU Additionally, the respondents to the surveys indicated that they spokesman remarked, 'That’s just Giang Nguyen’s style.' did not expect any such students to have any interests besides Reynard doing a year in industry for the sake of their degree. All respondents agreed that candidates did not need to have any bright ideas about how to support student representation, nor care about them particularly. Indeed, the need to care about supporting student life, furthering academic interests or helping Academic Reps to stick up for their constituents were described as 'wholly irrelevant'.

Deep in the YUSU lab, new nonsense is discovered and produced

Harry Clay 5

Campus

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KSI vs Logan Paul: Why Can't They Both Lose?

Ghosts Found in Campus West Unity Health

Reports have come in about haunted activity near the abandoned ruins of the Unity Health building on West campus. While it’s more likely that a drunken fresher just lives there now, and they’re the one making the activity, for the purpose of journalism, here are people’s stories: Tilly, 20: ‘Some say that if you go inside, light a candle, and chant, 'I need an appointment, I need an appointment, I need an appointment,' the lights will begin to ﬂicker, ghosts will wail, and you... will still never get an appointment!’ Ben, 19: ‘I heard, that the minute you step inside, one of the computers, which isn’t actually plugged in, will begin to switch itself on and off. And you may hear whispers in the wind, whispers asking for help, whispers of vengeance, whispers that say… 'you aren’t allowed to call in to make an appointment, please try our online service instead'. The voices will torment you, until you use the computer, but the online service won’t let you log in, as apparently you don’t exist on the system. Does that mean that you yourself have become the ghost?!? Perhaps. Maybe it’s just the shitty online system. Jenna, 37: ‘They say something terrible happened here, and that was why it was closed down. I mean, it’s unity health, so obviously something terrible happened here, but spooky things also happened! But the students of the University now will never know what that was like. They will never know the horrors that once took place. Just like they’ll never know the 44 bus.’ Bill, 7: ‘Someone was murdered by a goose on this very path. They called out for help, but as they hadn’t made an appointment, no one did anything. Their ghost haunts this section now, as does the goose, honking in your nightmares.’ Kaitlin, -46: ‘There was a case when a student came in for a routine check-up, but the receptionist couldn’t ﬁnd their name.

'I deﬁnitely made an appointment,' said the student, 'with Dr Smith.' They said this, only for the receptionist to turn white, and ask, 'You mean Dr Smith agreed to have an appointment with you?' to which the student nodded. The receptionist fainted, and the student wondered what was going on. They didn’t understand that... that doctor had been dead for 50 years! Turns out the student had booked an appointment with another doctor, and had just mixed up the name, but still.’ Goose, immortal: ‘HONK HONK’ Truly chilling stories. There was a haunting controversy with another doctor, as every one of his patients disappeared under his care, never to be seen again. He’d had a criminal record in murder and medical malpractice. Apparently, if you ask anyone, as if by some psychic force, they accuse him of murdering those students. Spooky, but I’m sure that doesn’t mean anything. Lucy Finnighan

Chicken in Courtyard Chicken Burger to Disappear by 2025 Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was no longer being put to use in Courtyard’s chicken burgers. This is no joke. If we continue as we are at present, the chicken in Courtyard’s chicken burger will disappear before the end of the next decade. Year on year, the chicken land mass has shrunk until we’re now at a dangerous low. By 2025, students may no longer know what a chicken burger tastes like. They’ll just receive a tomato and lettuce sandwich. The Lemon Press spoke to one unhappy customer who had the following to say, ‘What will we say to our children? We risk leaving them a world without proper chicken burgers. We acted too late, we stayed at home, we didn’t protest. It’s not too late to stop this.’ Will Rowan

York Hong Kong Students Offered The Trip of a Lifetime

Harry Clay

Someone has to.

Campus

Notice a problem with your internal organs? Call 07795554431.

In Defence of the Silverfish

So you’ve recently found yourself in indentured servitude student accommodation and (unless your dad’s rich) you’ve probably met the newest addition to the flat; the silverfish. This may seem distressing, but don’t panic; if you give it some thought, they can start to look like pretty good flatmates. Here’s a list of the conclusions you should reach after giving it some thought.

1. Silverfish are completely silent This one’s obvious. You’re not going to hear a silverfish struggling to play Don’t look Back in Anger at 2 AM because they’re trying to impress some girl who looked at them in a seminar. The little fucks don’t even have hands, how are they supposed to even pick up a guitar? 2. Silverfish won’t steal your food Silverfish don’t eat your Weetabix. They might have a go on your shirts, and your textbooks are probably tempting, but fear not; the bix (bixes?) are safe. 3. Silverfish keep respectful hours No chance of being woken up at 2 AM on a Tuesday because someone is just too wild and had a quirky Monday night on the town. The silverfish know that the only club that’s open on a Monday is popworld, and they’re above that. 4. Silverfish can’t talk to you No chance of getting stuck in the kitchen talking about what you’re planning to do tonight when you’ve got an essay due in literally ten minutes and only came down for some coffee. Silverfish don’t have mouths (probably), so how are they going to hold you up?

Lib Dem Bar Chart Tells us That YUSU Can't Win Here. Tiny Horses are Hoping for Big Gains!

5. Silverfish have a lifespan of 2-8 years It’s very unlikely that you’ll have to go their wedding in 10 years when you’ve forgotten everybody’s names. Also saves you the embarrassment of comparing your inevitably miserable life to their inevitably incredibly career. 6. You will always be doing better than a silverfish Suddenly that 3rd doesn’t look so bad when you’re comparing yourself to an insect in the order Zygentoma. At least you got on the course. 7. You can keep silverfish as pets Trust me, this is something you just can’t do with flatmates. They (probably) won’t fall for the same traps and even if they do they make terrible pets. A friend told me. I’m not weird. 8. Silverfish are masters of disguise They’re not even real fish. They just act like that with all the wiggling and shit. Incredible. The drama department could probably learn a thing or two from these scaly fuckers. 9. Silverfish have two antennae These antennae are the best in the business. They’re long. Like really long. What have your flatmates got? Ears? Pathetic. Absolutely pathetic. 10. Silverfish are silver Sure, your flatmates could paint themselves silver, but how likely are they to actually do that? You could ask, but then they’d just laugh at you even more. Silverfish have the clear advantage here. Matt Higgins

Yorkrushed: Deleted for Degeneracy The Lemon Press has recently uncovered the motive for Yorkrush’s tragic cancellation this term. It was discovered that the anonymous Facebook page had been a covert way for Liberal Democrats to meet without hostility or public humiliation. The thought of romantically satisfied Lib Dems horrified the University and Facebook alike, and so cancelled Yorkrush before any lasting damage was done. A purge of the page’s admins has taken place and their remains fed to the geese. Yorkrush 2: electric boogaloo pledges to be extra vigilant in the face of such scandal. For the future, admins promise to be extra careful to reduce the potential of Lib Dems finding love, and god forbid having children. James Rhodes

Harry Clay

Campus

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Samara Jones Switched With Potato for Two Weeks, No One Notices

Staff and students mistook a large potato for the YUSU President for two weeks this term, The Lemon Press understands. The YUSU President dropped a salad potato from a bag of groceries in her ofﬁce before leaving campus for two weeks of toil and annual leave. Over that time, staff invited the vegetable to meetings within YUSU and with representatives from the University. The potato was seen at meetings with staff from academic faculties, timetabling, and on a mental health focus group.

'We didn’t recognise anything out of the ordinary,' said a secretary to one of the committees, the meetings of which the potato attended.

medical professionals as 'Quinn’s Vision'.

'This isn’t the ﬁrst time that this happened,' said one union staffer who attends similar committees. 'We once had a bottle of vegetable oil chair the Media Committee. Alex Urquhart and Mia were known as 'eggplant and peach'. And we thought James Durcan was a prune throughout his presidency.' The only SABB available to comment was Maddi Cannell, who told The Lemon Press that she was particularly fond of cucumbers. Reynard

Samara Jones was also invited to be interviewed by journalists from Nouse, which The Lemon Press understands is full of vegetables itself. 'As far as we were concerned,' said the Editor of Nouse, Patrick Sprinter, 'the YUSU President was as talkative and inﬂuential as normal, perhaps more so than Presidents of previous years.' Staff found out that Samara Jones was not present on campus when a member of YUSU staff mistakenly sat on the potato at the start of a meeting. It resulted in a feeling described by

YUSU Reveal Bold New Campaign

Next year's hopefuls are starting to assemble

Student Shocked to Find Fire Alarm in Rented House Actually Works Three students in Fulford were shocked last month to find out that their fire alarm worked when one burnt the potato wedges they were making at 4am. 'I knew we had it' one said 'but I never thought the bloody thing actually worked, nothing else here does!' When another was asked they responded, 'when I heard it my first thought was confusion, my second was to kill [redacted] as my boyfriend was over.' From what we can tell the third student, the one who set off the alarm, has not attended contact hours since the incident, however since they do a BA, this is meaningless. Bex Scott

Landlord Decides That Hole to Hell Is ‘Not a Major Issue’

The hole to hell that has opened in a student house’s living room has been decreed by the landlord to be ‘not a major issue that needs to be ﬁxed urgently’. When it was pointed out that two of the six occupants of the house have fallen down the hole and gone to hell the landlord responded ‘they were going to go there sooner or later anyway’.

Will Rowan

Retweet all our tweets.

The Lemon Press understands that the landlord deciding that the hell hole not being a major issue is not going to stop him taking the repair costs out of the deposit. Chris Small

Campus

'To clarify, I don't give my permission for my phone number in 43.'

ELECTION TIME: THE WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE, AND HOW

Insert 'Not Another One' Based Gag

Well it had to happen, didn't it? We couldn't go another two bloody years. two years! Without another sodding election. I hope you're all happy with yourselves. I'm not. I'm deeply disturbed. We have to go and pick another round of chumps to ruin people's lives. Well I suppose if you aren't picking, you don't get to complain when you get fucked, so here's The Lemon Press's full election guide. It's like a guide about how to avoid viral infection, but if the results were guaranteed to make you feel worse.

The Who: What a band eh? Heh. Anyway, now I've got that out my system, here's a run down of some of the top (and bottom) choices for your vote. First off, you have the Tories. They're currently the powers that be, and have been for almost a decade. I imagine most of you haven't been politically conscious under any other government. In fact, judging by how young these fucking freshers are, I wonder if some of you were conscious at all. All you need to know is that the leader has a silly name, silly hair, silly ideas, and absolutely no plan for your future. Sound unappealing? Just you wait. Next up we have Labour, who, despite facing the least competent government in some living memories, still can't muster a victory in the polls. It could be to do with the lack of economic pragmatism, it could be to do with the constant antisemitism. I think it's due to the colour red. I don't like red. Next up you have the Liberal Democrats. It's like the anti-Brexit party, but they pretend people vote for them on other issues. They're your only real choices in England, but I'd strongly recommend voting for a nationalist or regionalist independence party. The Yorkshire Party Manifesto is a bloody good read.

The What: It's an election thick ears. We vote for a lump of flesh who probably won't win anyway, to sit in a room with hundreds of other lumps of flesh who all shout over each other like some speech powered steam room. There's also some other, often much bigger, lumps of flesh we don't get to vote for in the room next door to them. Between them, they decide what we can and can't do. Don't get excited, they can't decide if humans can fly or some interesting shit like that, just how much a sugary drink costs or some boring bollocks. If you didn't know what an election was, I strongly recommend reading a book.

The When: December 12th, but, before you run off, don't forget that you have to register before. I can't remember what the deadline is, and I really can't be bothered to close Scribus to Google it, but let's just agree it's close, alright? It's probably like, a week or two after this wonderful magazine comes out. Get around to registering because you'll probably feel like a right arse if you don't. The voting itself is also easy, you just show up and tick a box. If you do anything other than tick the box, the vote doesn't count, but it means you get to send some rude messages to the candidates. I turned the name of one of my options on the local ballot into a penis. I'd strongly recommend getting around to voting. It makes you feel all powerful and important.

The Where: For fuck's sake, do I have to do it all for you? You go to this like, little shack somewhere. Normally it's in a school or a church hall or something. There'll be one or two on campus, but when you get your polling card in the post, it'll tell you. Go there. It'll be ﬁne. Trust me. Nothing bad happens. Just go to the building. Stand in the little box. It'll all be over in a few seconds.

The How: I mean, this whole thing together pretty much tells you that.

The What Now: I don't know. Live your life. Enjoy yourself. Your vote doesn't fucking matter and neither do you. But if everyone believes that it does, just for one day, then hey ho, we get another bunch of morons. I can't wait. 9

News and Politics

Don't like what you're reading?

This header was much funnier in the draft version.

Who's Revving up the Fastest Political Motors? The Reality Party Phwoartnite Remember Bez? No? Well remember that time he ran for parliament in 2015? Also No? Well their battle bus was about the only memorable thing about the whole affair. Will the Manchester Mad Man return to the political hot seat for the 2019 extravaganza? Well I don't know, it depends if he has any more council bills to pay.

Diamond Geezer - 2015

The Definitely Not A Coup Party

Mark Carleton-Smith, having risen through the ranks all the way to Chief of the General Staff, is now making a play at the political game with his bold, ambitious, and ever so slightly, militaristic new party. Although they have refused to release their manifesto, pundits are arguing that the party is not prepared to take government, and has no long term plan as to what to do should they succeed.

The raunchiest serving yet, the Phwoarnite Party are just that, a party, and it's all piled into the battle bus. Make sure to take in as much clean air as you can before diving in, because this sordid offering is likely to make your eyes water, your ears bleed, and other organs you have do all sorts of naughty things.

Sergey Galyonkin

#BUSTICE NOW Steph Hayle has a survey, and she's not afraid to use it. Hijacking a 66 in its normal oportation, she leads a charge right for Hes Hall. A blood curdling scream is heard as a driver is left behind without his comfy chair. Can she be stopped? Probably, I doubt the bus will ﬁt through the gates.

KK70088

How to Start and Run a Successful Political Party in Time for Christmas the Election Are you worried about politics? Well, worry no more, because have I got a money making strategy for you! My guide can help you, yes, you, start a political party in only three weeks, giving you plenty of time to sweep up in the upcoming elections. Need to knock out a politician that isn't for you? This guide will help. Can you do better, but are held back by institutional structures preventing you from prevailing? This guide will help. Are the government coming to knock your house down, all over a stupid railway that might have some slight benefits but on the whole is an overblown vanity project and won't actually serve your community? Well that one might be more about me, but regardless, here are the few steps you need to take to make your political dreams a scandalous reality. 1) Fill out some boring fucking forms You knew it was going to be here, so like all things, let's dive in to the worst, first. You'll need to register with the Electoral Commission, which is about as fun as having a vasectomy. It's all about slogans, logos, officials, and any other administrative bollocks you could think of that you'll need so that the suits in Westminster will accept you. 2) Drum up support online This one is about as fun as giving a vasectomy. You get to splurge all your deeply held convictions all over the internet. Top points if you can start an argument. Idiots love to argue, but if they mention you in each blood thirsty response, your stats are only on the up and up.

Well that sounds like a you problem.

3) Go to the hustings You're legally committed to attend some hustings in the run up, so go and make your points. The room will be full of old people who already know who they're voting for, and nobody will ever hear of it again, so just avoid any racial slurs and you'll be ﬁne. 4) Vote Don't fucking forget to vote you absolute moron. 5) Win That's it. If you followed all the steps correctly, then you're probably Prime Minister by now, at which point I'd like to ask, could you cancel HS2 for me? Harry Clay (all this bollocks)

News and Politics

I don't need contraception, I write for The Lemon Press.

Commemorative Brexit Condom to be Released Following the unprecedented success of the commemorative Brexit 50p coins, a whole line-up of Brexit-themed memorabilia is set to be released to the public. A commemorative Brexit condom is just the first such item to be advertised to the public. Here's what else we have to look forward to... Brexit coffin: If you're going to die in a ditch, you may as well be buried in a Brexit coffin. The coffin is built to accommodate even the largest eurosceptics. Each coffin comes equipped with a copy of UKIP's 2015 manifesto and a post box to allow them to continue their lifetime subscription to the Daily Express in the afterlife. Brexit doomsday clock: Albert Einstein failed to consider Brexit when developing the concept of space-time. Brexit doesn't abide by either. The act of voting to leave the EU created a paradox in parliament that has yet to be resolved by any natural law — physical or a product of the EU. All our current models and thinking lead to Brexit's inevitable delay. This leaves us with a doomsday clock that always hovers around two minutes to midnight. That clock will be hitting store shelves and bedside tables soon. Brexit billboards: Oh, this one has been released already. Don't worry it's only cost us £100,000,000. Will Rowan

Political Parties All Wondering If They Can Break Electoral Law 'Just a Little Bit'

'It's a Small World' Says Local Man with 5000 Facebook Friends York, like the world, is shrinking due to social media. A local man and student at the University of York, Steve Jennings, has at least one mutual friend with every single student in York. The Lemon Press spoke to a small sample of his ‘friends’, 40 people in a row who had no clue who he was. This is a technological marvel. However, we managed to speak to one of his housemates who commented, ‘Steve? No clue.’ A quick stream of photos, each of Steve holding the camera like it was a land mine and grimacing as if it were unexploded didn’t jog a single memory. If you are one of Steve’s thousands of friends, please get in touch. We’re concerned. Will Rowan

Good Cop, Bad Cop Routine Dying Out Due to Lack of Good Cops

All the major parties are wondering which bits of electoral law they can break. The Lemon Press understands that the Conservative Party wants to partake in some minor voter intimidation and hoping that voters are too awkward to take it to the police. Meanwhile the Labour Party have tried to see if they can ‘forget’ to add items to their expenses. It has been leaked that Lib Dems are planing on treating voters with bar chart shaped sweets.

The good cop, bad cop routine has been a useful interrogation technique since time immemorial. However, years of tradition are at risk as a lack of good cops has thrown the practice into jeopardy. Their solution has been simple: hire more good cops so balance can be restored and no bad cop has to lose their job.

The continuity SDP and continuity Liberals misunderstood what ‘breaking the law a little bit’ means and have decided to have a massive street fight, and then remembered that neither have enough members for a massive fight, so they’re having a small fight instead.

Others have suggested ﬁring the bad cops. This has quite rightly been deemed 'radical' as it goes against established tradition. I spoke to one self-proclaimed radical centrist who was unequivocal, 'We need more of all cops: good and bad!' Will Rowan

We tried to ﬁnd out how UKIP and the Brexit party are planning on breaking electoral law, but UKIP hasn’t realised there’s an election because they’re too busy being racist, and we’ve not yet managed to remove Nigel Farage’s head from his own arse to ask him about how the Brexit party is going to break the law. Chris Small 11

News and Politics

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He's making a list, he's checking it twice, gonna find out who's noncey or nice.

HOW CHARLES MANSON DESTROYED MY MARRIAGE AND TOOK MY KIDS: AN ANALYSIS OF HELTER SKELTER, THE TATE-LABIANCA SLAYINGS, AND THE COLLAPSE OF THE 17 YEAR UNION WITH THE WOMAN I LOVE.

(The following is an extract of a statement made by me during divorce proceedings. Excised are the numerous interruptions, bursts of laughter, and fits of crying which were entirely normal given how upsetting the entire affair was.) Your Honour, we have heard a lot of lies regarding the bitter disintegration of my family. Lies about how I was never there for my children. Lies about how I was a lukewarm lover, small penis large thrusts etc. Even lies about how I was more obsessed with a murder case that took place fifty years ago than I was with the wellbeing of my family. I knew that this would all come into play. Allow me to dispel these baseless and damaging accusations by telling you about how this is all merely the beginning of a false flag race war. Now, Your Honour, I trust that you are aware of the Beatles ‘White Album’? Of course you are, it is a seminal piece of music. Well, a group of young carefree hippies were also fans of that album. These hippies, some attractive yet most smelly, they one day upped and killed a bunch of people. White people, if you would believe that. Some say that whitey has got to pay, hopefully not pay alimony m’lud, but that’s an issue for another hearing. The point I am trying to get to Your Honour is that this was all about Helter Skelter. These hippies, led by the charismatic and positively reeking Charles Manson, killed these people as part of a plot to turn white against black and instigate a world ending race war so that Manson and his select followers could hide in a series of underground tunnels and caverns in the desert, returning to the surface in order to reign over a purely white and possibly also native American world. And this was the only way they could do that. Now a lot of people’s understanding of Helter Skelter and the Manson family ends there. But I know different Your Honour. I know the full truth. See, this isn’t about turning white against black. At the time it may have been, but as the years have passed new evidence has shone a light upon the true meaning of Helter Skelter. And it chills me to my core Your Honour. Helter Skelter, the murder of these people, it was all done as an elaborate scheme to undermine my devotion to my wife and break apart a beautiful and sustainable marriage in its prime. STOP LAUGHING. As I was saying Your Honour, there is a very simple to understand message behind all of this. Now my wife claims to have found me in the midst of what we shall call ‘exotic lovemaking’ and what she might call ‘frantic desperate upsetting dry humping’ of an inflatable sex doll. What I will note here is

We can run, but we can't hide.

that she does not take umbrage or offence at this act in and of itself, only that the face of the doll has been altered to resemble that of Manson Family member Linda Kasabian. Now I know what you are thinking, you are thinking does this really make a difference? But of course it does. The difference comes when you take into account the fact that I did not ejaculate onto the pages of my MAIN copy of Helter Skelter by Vincent Bugliosi and Curt Gentry. Such an act would be unthinkable. I merely came on my BACKUP. Every right thinking person has two copies in case one is damaged or otherwise maimed by a dodgy burst of ejaculate PLEASE STOP LAUGHING. When Charles Manson talks about Whitey, Your Honour, he isn’t talking about the white race. He’s talking about me. He’s talking about the people like me who are caught in compromising situations with Manson themed adult toys. He’s talking about people like me who have watched the ten minute section from the middle of Mindhunter season 2 episode 5. He’s talking about the people like me who have tried to uncover the truth behind these shocking murders that occurred before many of us realised that Roman Polanski was a hack pervert and have sought meaning in these murders by watching ﬁlms such as Once Upon a Time in Hollywood and Wolves at the Door which are totally not directed by hack perverts. So Your Honour, I am not the victim here. I know it may sound weird to sink our life savings into a family vacation to Los Angeles to break into the former Tate residence on Cielo Drive and re-enact the home invasion but that’s what families do. So don’t break apart this family Your Honour. And don’t you dare let my children call Steve their father or else I’ll do something drastic. No no, not Manson drastic. Just like maybe early Manson drastic? Not crazed racist Manson, can I… what are you doing? Your Honour, permission to charge the bench… GET OFF OF ME… YOUR HONOUR I CAN EXPLAIN… PLEASE YOUR HONOUR LET ME EXPLAIN… POLITICAL PIGGIES THE LOT OF YOU… KAREN PLEASE JUST LET ME SHOW THE KIDS THE 1976 MOVIE ADAPTATION IF YOU SHOW THEM THE 2004 ONE I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU JEREMY DAVIS IS NOT MY MANSON NOT NOW NOT EVER I SWEAR I WILLNext week, I shall share my in depth research of Heaven’s Gate and their connection to Brexit or something I’ll be shocked if I’m not dead by the next issue to be honest the way I’m going. Greg Waddell

News and Politics

TLP: The only information source less reliable than a Lib Dem bar chart.

Lib Dems Worried Battle Bus Not Big Enough Senior Lib Dem ofﬁcials have conﬁrmed exclusively to The Lemon Press that their planned ‘battle bus’ tour may be cancelled. TLP understands that the original plans, where Tim Farron was set to drive their parliamentary party round the country in a 1970s VW beetle, hastily painted yellow with the slogan ‘Remember Us?’ on the side, might have to be scrapped, owing to the fact that an unexpected number of MPs have recently defected. Lib Dem organiser Jason Beige told The Lemon Press, ‘frankly, we just weren’t expecting to need anything bigger. Our master plan to fade gently into irrelevance has been undone by those bastard voters, who’ll give us enough support that we have to actually campaign, but not enough that we’ll get any power’. It is unclear what next steps the party will take, though this reporter understands one Philip Mountbatten, of Edinburgh, Scotland, has been hired as chauffeur just in case. Alex Howarth

Tory-Brexit Party 'Arms Race' Reaches New Heights as Nigel Farage Pledges to Replace French with Archery in English Schools. In his latest attempt to claim Brexit ideological purity, Nigel Farage has upped the eurosceptic ante by vowing to reintroduce mandatory longbow training across England. The radical move will be coupled with 'Agincourt Memorial Day' on the 25th of October in celebration of English heritage. The proposal comes after Boris Johnson’s plans to threaten Brussels with a nuclear strike were scuppered, as it turns out Trident was scrapped in 2009 to make way for a Tesco Extra at the Clyde Naval Base. Jeremy Corbyn is reportedly pleased with the development, though disappointed as he prefers Co-Op meal deals. The nation now waits on tenterhooks as parents everywhere wonder if ASDA’s longbow stocks will hold up. Harry James

Get You Somebody Who Can Do Both Bojo dons England Rugby Shirt over his Formal Shirt, in quest to distract from Brexit continue Façade as Human Man. Rugby Man. Working Man. LayMan. Business Man. 'Would you like a cup of tea?' Man. Brexit Man. 'Call me Boris, Man.' Battlebus Man. Vuvuzela investigator Man. Two articles for the Telegraph, one for Leave and one for Remain Man. 'Every single chocolate hobnob in the world,' Man. See Man riding a Boris Bike Man. Zipwiring over London meets Sheldon Cooper presents Fun with Flags Man. Blonde Hair, Don’t Care™ Man. Take down little children in a rugby match Man. Die in a ditch Man. 'Let’s fund our NHS,' Man. I will out-pat Emmanuel Macron Man. 'I wish all schools were as good as my school, Eton,' Man. 'Anyone can drive the tube,' Man. 'We export French knickers to France,'Man. Pull-ups on a bus chassis Man. Peruvian dancer Man. 'My policy on cake is pro having it and pro eating it,' Man. It’s not satire, it’s Real Madrid, Man. Don’t let his Manliness fool you; Bojo is not just a Real Man or my Man, but The Man. Judd Bennett 13

News and Politics

Will 'Zoomer' Rowan

Pick up another copy from the Media Bins!

Vibe check! *Cocks gun*

Hong Kong Preparing for Tiananmen Square LARP Hong Kong citizens are preparing to welcome thousands of Chinese LARPers to join a recreation of the Tiananmen Square massacre. Already, Hong Kong police have shown their commitment by using tear gas, rubber bullets, and a sick penchant for brutality on largely-peaceful protesters. They’re really committed to realistic role-play!

New Anti-Smoking Cigarette Packaging Revealed

Chinese tanks amass at the border while citizens of Hong Kong lie in their beds — preparing for the inevitable. Meanwhile, Taiwanese citizens are looking at the choreography, wondering if they’ll soon have a role to play. Just like the students of 1989, participants in Hong Kong are fuelled by a desire for democratic self-determinism while Chinese tanks are fuelled by gas. Leading LARPers can’t escape the action. Occasionally they’re mobbed by admiring plain-clothes members of the secret police who grind them into a pulp. When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail in the cofﬁn for democracy. If you can’t travel to Hong Kong to get in on the action, the Secret Cinema are rumoured to be putting on a Tiananmen Square interactive experience once they’ve wrapped up with Stranger Things. Not wanting to be left out, YUSU managed to bring some of the CPC’s hottest free-speech policies to campus during Freshers’ Fair. It’s been very effective in making students from Hong Kong feel unsafe and adding to the oppressive realism of a good LARP. Yi Li

Saxon King Considered 'Broke AF' by York St John Historian

Recently, a major academic study on the Staffordshire Hoard has been published by the Society of Antiquaries of London. The project, headed by Chris Fern, has hypothesised that the treasure (found by a metal detectorist in 2009) constituted part of a war hoard buried between 600 and 650AD. The study identifies King Penda of Mercia as a likely owner, a successful warlord who defeated rival kings in East Anglia before ruling the midlands for thirty years. Chris Fern’s research is a landmark in the study of the Dark Ages; however, such an important study is not without controversy. A spokesman for York St John’s History Department has issued a statement regarding the recent study of the Hoard. The spokesman claims that Fern was 'chatting bare shit', stating that if it was a king who deposited the treasure, he was 'broke af innit'. Swearing on his nan’s life, the spokesman claimed that by lacking vital status symbols such as AirPod Pros or other 'iced-out gear', the Hoard was most likely deposited by 'a fuckin’ pleb' rather than a king or nobleman. When asked if these findings would be published, the spokesman stated that he 'ain’t no snitch', leaving the academic community on tenterhooks. The criticism came as a shock to Fern and other academics who struggled to deliver a convincing riposte to such flawless logic and expertise. Fern has not yet commented on the criticism but it is likely that his career is over. James Rhodes

Wat-er Shame: York Evades Flooding in Mysterious Act of God

York meteorlogists have been flocking to church this week, after the UK Met Office has described the lack of flooding in York as the work of the divine. The announcement came after detailed weather maps were published showing what appeared to be the face of Jesus made out of weather fronts, all over the UK. York avoided the flooding as strings of showers draped down the region as strands of hair, but managed to avoid the city.

Chris 'Twenty-A-Day' Small

Leading meteorologist Wayne Fall described the events as 'bloody confusing'. Harry Clay

Don't immediately put it in the other bins.

News and Politics

Nobody's really winning here, are they?

Brexit Party Offer Electoral Pact With the Liberal Democrats Much has been made of Farage’s offer to the Conservative Party of an electoral pact if Boris drops his deal. However, why stop at the Conservative Party? They’re not the only party wanting to become an ‘unstoppable force’, and an electoral pact with the Brexit Party could do the trick. Any party would be foolish to turn down the following bold offers.

Labour Party: Keep Corbyn as leader for life. Any Labour Brexit must put ordinary, working hedge fund managers ﬁrst. You’re welcome to go against billionaires as long as they’re not our friends. Votes at 16? How about only pensioners can vote? Now that’s a good idea. You can have Wales if you stand down all candidates in the North of England.

Green Party: Drop all this environmental nonsense and frack the entire south-east. Next, turn Cornwall into a great crater and build a 500m statue to honour me, err, our leader, Nigel Farage. You can build as many wind turbines as you like, as long as they look and function exactly like coal ﬁred power stations. If you do all this, we won’t run a Brexit Party candidate in Brighton Pavilion.

SNP: Ensure that the only mentions of independence in your manifesto are of British Independence. None of that Scottish Independence nonsense, thank you! Do that and we can start talking. Also, you’re going to have to impress on the Scottish people the need for an English parliament. That’ll be a big vote winner… for both of us, I’m sure of it.

Liberal Democrats: I’m feeling generous. We’ll accept a second referendum if the options on the ballot paper are no-deal or death. In return, we’ll offer a re-run of the 2014 EU debate but with Jo Swinson instead of Nick Clegg. Change UK: Change your name to The Independent Group for a No-Deal Brexit and we might be able to hammer out a deal. Stand down your candidates, and we’ll give Mike Gapes a lifetime supply of Cravendale.

UKIP: Stand down, cease all operations at once. This party used to have an incredible charismatic (and handsome) leader. I just want it to go back to how it was. Not the 1960’s but 2015, I was everywhere. I… we were all over the news, all over Question Time. I’ll give you anything, I’ll do anything, say anything, just give me another day in the limelight. Will Rowan

Change UK Reveal the 'Change Machine' Change UK, not wanting to go gently into a terrible night on the 12th of December, have made a bold statement. Their 'Change Machine' rivals the 'EdStone' in the poorness of its conception and execution. It's a perfect reﬂection of one of the most successful insurgent political parties of the 21st century: Change UK - The Independent Group for The Change in Name of Change UK. It releases very small amounts of change to much fanfare and now appears to have completely run dry. It's a broken machine for broken Britain Will Rowan Illustrated by Niall McGenity 15

News and Politics

As Aristotle once said:

Please... Mr Joker was my father.

Just A Few Questions When Brexit has finally happened and the streets are lined with Lincolnshire sausages and pints of champagne, do you think we will look back on the past few years and laugh? Do you think we will cry tears of mirth at the folly of our past, feeling the warm British sunshine on our face, our hair gently moving in the gentle British–no, not even British, English–breeze? Have you realised the many links between the European Union and Nazi rule, as so many have on Facebook and Twitter? Can you even comprehend how insidious the EU is, with all of its odious apparatus of peace and prosperity, its courts and parliaments, its rule of law, its reasoned statutory instruments and regulations? Haven’t you realised that this is a war? Can’t you see that this is a war against the fascists who want you to live next to a European, those awful fascists who imposed fishing quotas on our beautiful, shining, fish-filled English waters? Don’t you see it happening? Can you not understand that Nigel Farage is actually an honourable man who wants the best for our lovely country, which has gone to the dogs with all of these liberals stinking the place up, trying to liberate people’s hearts from the bondage of cultural constructs, these evil liberals who want our planet to last beyond our lifetimes? What kind of a moron cares what happens beyond our lifetimes? So do you think about all of this? Can you not see the truth? The simple fact that English soldiers died for our freedom only for us to surrender it to a primarily financial union of independent and autonomous nations designed for the specific purpose of avoiding another war? Can’t you see the abundance of logic in that simple argument? If the answer is no, then are you an American? If so, have you wondered how much better life will get if Trump gets a second term? How much more we will hate each other, thus enhancing our individuality? Can’t you see that hate is good, that hate is necessary and vital to our lives? Oh and don’t you just love your assault rifle? Do you realise that an assault rifle is the only way to stop a sexual assault, especially if you’re around the President? Do you want to live in a nation that is so free we reject anyone who disagrees with us, that we can say whatever we want with impunity, try to silence those who oppose us, and claim we support free speech? Do you see that we can do all of those things at once? Do you not want to imprison your opponents? When Trump gets his second term, will you look back and laugh at those who went before him? Will you wipe tears of sadness from your eyes at the years your great nation wasted in the pursuit of peace, and prosperity, and then smile as you remember that slowly, surely, your nation, and others like it, have cast off the chains those liberals and communists imposed on you, those liberals and communists and fascists who thought that cooperation and debate, peace and prosperity, justice and decency, wealth and success, were good things, and not the evil, awful, heinous things that they actually are? Myles Dunnett

Read The Lemon Press.

Will Rowan

Is Cambridge Analytica and Facebook Behind the Stormcloak Rebellion?

The populist Stormcloak rebellion that has gripped Skyrim is using microtargeted Facebook ads in order to appeal to ‘low information peasants’ in order to get them to back their rebellion against Imperial rule. People of Skyrim saw stories on Facebook such as ‘General Tulius kept his emails on a private server’, and ‘General Tulius failed to stop the Thalmor embassy attack’. It is understood that Thalmor, led by a strongman dictator, are helping the Stormcloaks with ads, but we do not yet know if they have a high enough speech skill to get the ads for a reduced amount of gold. Chris Small

Leading Conspiracy Theorist Debunks Climate Change

The whole theory of anthropogenic climate change was blown wide open last night thanks to the Twitter thread of a leading conspiracy theorist. A series of unsubstantiated claims at odds with the scientiﬁc consensus were tweeted out with the speed and intellectual rigour of a game of fast chess. Each tweet was a stake through the heart of a peer-reviewed study. It ends as it began — with an incredible fact, the knockout punch, ‘If the Earth is warming, why am I still cold?’ Checkmate. Will Rowan

News and Politics

You're all minorities, you're reading student media.

Real headlines, questionable stories. Charles Proctor keeps you informed.

The A1 is Back on TV 'Minsterfm.com' Audiences are overjoyed as former child star, The A1, has ﬁnally returned to our screens. The famous road will be featuring in the BBC’s new small screen Philip Pullman adaptation, ‘His Dark Materials’, playing the role of Pantalaimon, the daemon, or familiar, of main character Lyra Belacqua. We all know The A1 from its acclaimed role as Ben Mitchell in EastEnders. Unfortunately, the fame proved too much, and Britain’s longest road started down an all too familiar path for children in showbusiness: drugs, breakdown, rehab. After escaping from rehabilitation and shaving itself full of potholes, the vast majority of the A road’s fanbase was alienated. Fortunately, The A1 returned to the rehab clinic and saw the course of treatment to its end. With a more mature, edgy look, The A1 insists that now is the right time for its return, and we are more than happy to accept it. Despite the rise of ‘Smart Motorways’ slowly breaking into the mainstream, The A1 is hopeful that its career is back on track and stresses that, as far as motorways are concerned, ‘you’ve got to keep looking forward.’

Face of 9000-Year-Old Teenager Reconstructed 'National Geographic' ‘Urrrgh’: the shared reaction of scientists, scholars, and myself as the model of the face of a 9000-year-old teen was ﬁnally revealed this week. No amount of scientiﬁc wonder could mask the fact that this dude had a face like a heavily cratered patch of the Moon. It was bad. Like…yeah, it was bad. The spots weren’t just numerous, they were deep… oozing. You could tell that this guy never showered,

like it was pretty obvious. If hentai existed 9000 years ago, he would have watched. He would have watched regularly. If this guy was alive today, his mother would be shouting at him to get off his computer whilst he, at an age far too old to still be living with his mother, festering in a dark, disgusting, stinking bedroom, masturbating to pictures of the Joker getting his pale love length caressed by Harley Quinn. Not a fan.

Council Wants to Stop Drivers From Using Leeming Industrial Estate as a Toilet 'Minsterfm.com' ‘Does somebody not know how to ﬂush an industrial estate after they’ve had a shit? Well it was fucking one a yas! Disgusting!’ Disgruntled Leeming resident.

Photo: HBO Charming: Pantalaimon snuggles up to Lyra as she inspects the golden compass. His Dark Materials, BBC 1

Sheep 'Safe and Wool' After River Rescue Drama 'Minsterfm.com' What is ‘safe and wool’? Is it supposed to be a pun on ‘safe and sound’? Or maybe ‘safe and warm’? Who says ‘safe and warm’? Don’t get me wrong, I’m very glad that the sheep is ‘safe and wool’, or should I be worried? I’m sorry, everyone, just couldn’t get my head around this one.

Photo: Google Maps 2019 Kicking up a stink: The object in question; a giant turd in the middle of Leeming Industrial Estate.

Rod Stewart Music Heard For Miles Across York 'The Press' Run. Charles Proctor 17

News and Politics

Don't know who to vote for?

Is Koen Lamberts the Slender Man, read on to not find out.

Is it time for a Turning Point? We asked the World's greatest thinkers what they think of the most important question of our time. Here's what they had to say...

Will Rowan

Judd Bennett

Margaret Thatcher was a lady not for a turning point. However, that doesn't automatically make me for a turning point. I bought some brain enhancing pills lately which have expanded my brain so much that I can now only use the right side of my brain and my right eye. Ever since, I've been having some decidedly funny 'turns' and if I'm not careful I'll end up dead in a ditch after missing a turning point while doing 70 MPH on a country road.

I went to a turning point once… quite enjoyable really. Not yet fully convinced it was worth sacriﬁcing my 4.9 star goingstraight rating, however. All my friends warned me I’d regret it, they did warn me – honestly, I was told – but what can I say, I’m quirky like that. If you asked me today, say, to go to another turning point, I’d probably take you up on your offer. Does that answer your question?

Harry Clay

Chris Small

Well it all depends what we're turning from really. When I get on the bus to come to campus, I really don't want it to throw a UTurn in the middle of Heslington Road. That bus forms the life blood of my existence at this University, I rely on it to avoid the almost inevitable attendance warnings from my department, so on that side, it's a hard no to a turning point. However, and this is a big however, if you're talking about right-wing student groups with Scientologist funding and questionable social views, then hell yeah I want a turning point. Turn me right into my grave.

No it is not time for a turning point. I gave up maths several years ago now, and this means I no longer own a protractor, or a compass, so I am now incapable of drawing a turning point, and if I can't draw one, no one else can.

Charles Proctor Turning points have bitten me on the bum on many occasions. We used to use salt to keep our food from turning. Then we made fridges. However, food still turns. I love satsumas, they are much larger than your tangerine, and much more ﬂavourful, too. For this reason, I recently bought some (very cheap) from my local superstore. To my horror, I ended up throwing one of them away because it had turned. It was all green and had left a horrible mark on the part of my cupboard where it was sat. My lovely satsuma, taken before its time. Sickening.

Lucy Finnighan

Dr Jekyll I think with my current condition, a turning point would not be very productive. In my opinion, it would not only damage political discourse but also my physical wellbeing. I couldn’t stand all the mindless killing and breaking of societal norms. A turning point, for me, would not help the vast majority of people, as I have experienced such movements before. Turning points as I know them are usually ugly and lead to chaos.

Julius Caesar Of course! The republic is on its last legs and has been for many years. The corrupt senate is foolish to assume it can prevent my march across the Rubicon and citizens are advised to support me. I offer economic stability, bread for the people and glory for my soldiers. A turning point must be made to ensure the survival of the state, otherwise tyranny and barbarism will become the order of the day for our state!

I'm too tired for a turning point.

Vote for everyone.

News and Politics

The worse you expect it to be, the better it is.

A Day in the Life of a Former TLP Editor 5:30am I wake up under a pile of half-finished pitches to the New Statesman and check my phone for tips. Nothing. My vodka and lime from the night before has been knocked over in my sleep and ruined a pile of very important ideas that will definitely make it big. My Simon and Garfunkel references wear ever thinner. 6:00am I shower, eat, and run in my latest 'Sims 4' save. The new University expansion reminds me of times gone by. ‘I used to be a king.’ I remind myself as I pour the first bowl of milkless cereal for the day. 8:30am I head out. ‘The tube is like a metaphor for my life.’ I think. I don't know what the metaphor is. 10:00am I start my trial pro-rata temporary junior internship shift at The Telegraph. Getting what little was left from the vodkary spillage together, I prepare my exciting ideas for the day. 12:30pm Lunch break starts, but I don't have time to enjoy my wonderful pre-made pot noodle. Instead, I work on the assignments passed down. Celebrity gossip pieces: 2. My original, unique and bold ideas: 0. 3:00pm My latest copy on Alexander Armstrong has been given the okay from the top desk. I nervously go into the Section Editors' office to pitch them my top idea. Before I can even explain to them why I think they should let me start a Meal Deal Podcast (still working on the name), they ask me to leave. ‘Too busy again.’ I say to myself. They ask me to stop talking. 4:30pm The day is almost over. My friend brings me over a hot cup of coffee. When nobody's looking, I slip half a sachet of brown sugar in. A vice, I know, but so long as nobody sees me doing it, I should be fine. 5:30pm I leave the office, having had none of my pitches accepted. I get the phone out for the bus into the city, sending out the same pitches to all my other contacts. A few of them have stopped looking at my Twitter DMs, but no matter. 6:15pm I get off the bus and head to the pub for the latest drinks with all my top industry pals. As per usual, they're hiding, but one or two pubs later and I've found them again. A few University friends are there, but there's no time to socialise. It's all steam ahead with the biro and the notepad. 9:45pm Another late-night home, my head awash with ideas and mojito. The friends down the pub kept joking about how they didn't invite me again, but I know I'll see them again in a fortnight. The frozen meal deal comes out the freezer and I put myself on the sofa. My mum asks me when I'm moving out. I tell her that journalism is hard to get into and I need time, but I know she won't understand. 10:30pm Time for bed. Another day waits ahead of me and the world needs my ideas. I put my Thomas the Tank Engine pajamas on and slip into sleep. Sometimes I wish it was a coma. Harry Clay

Lifestyle

What You Wore for Halloween And What It Says About You Year after year women are shamed for their Halloween outfits, so in the spirit of feminism we’ve decided to judge men for their shitty outfits. Mary Wollstonecraft definitely died for this. Brexit/Politics pun - You do PPE and you’re not as cool as you think. Just dress as a vampire next time. The Joker - Not getting laid isn’t a personality trait. This definitely isn’t going to help things either. Blackface - You’re an asshole and/or the Prime Minister of Canada. Obscure movie reference - Dressing as 'Extra #17 from Pulp Fiction' doesn’t make you cool. We’ve all seen films before. You’re not that special. Sexy Boris Johnson - Stop. Please stop. ‘I just like don’t do costumes’ - Where’s the effort, honestly? Your girlfriend is literally wearing a homemade replica of Rihanna’s Met Ball gown and you’re wearing...that? Embarrassing really. A regular outfit and vampire fangs - Low effort but at least you seem normal. Well done.

ADhorrent

#MyCalvins

I speak my truth in #MyCalvins. I kiss my love in #MyCalvins. I wander the city in #MyCalvins. I am an icon in #MyCalvins. I am the next Justin Bieber in #MyCalvins. I rob the grocery store in #MyCalvins. I sleep with your mum in #MyCalvins. I run from your dad and his shotgun in #MyCalvins. I hijack a car in #MyCalvins. I accidentally run over your gran in #MyCalvins. I keep driving in #MyCalvins. I ﬂee from the Police in #MyCalvins. You’ll never catch me in #MyCalvins. Lucy Finnighan

Applications Now Open: YUSU Ark YUSU loves York. YUSU hates ﬂoods. Apply on the YUSU website now for a chance to get a place on YorArk. No time wasters please. Charles Proctor

Chris Small

Everything you could ever need...

Live. Laugh. Lemon. Lunn. Libs. Love.

Scientists Take 18 Years to Create Adult Scientists have created a fully-grown adult human in just 18 years. A press release praised the dedication of the team, describing them as ‘having become a family’. It moves the team closer to achieving their ultimate aim: creating a human adult in just 18 months. The ethics of the landmark study have led to critics drawing comparisons to the Stanford Prison Experiment, 'It's basically the same in this day and age, we've just replaced prison guards with 'parents' and prisoners with 'children'.' Will Rowan

It's Alive! The creation emerges, phone already in hand.

Dog Debate Sparked by New Video Game.

Goose Game Inspires Copycat Geese

Since the release of the game Blair Witch (2019), debates have been sparked across the country. The reason of said debates? Bullet, the dog that accompanies you within the game. As Blair Witch is obviously a horror game, you can imagine the concern that has arisen for Bullet.

With the recent popularity of ‘Untitled Goose Game’, local governments are concerned that that the excess violence and common mischievousness within the game has inspired the current increase in geese attacks throughout campus at the University of York. Signs being taken, lecturers being chased, students blocked from getting into lectures, and just general antiuniversity activity, despite the fact that they all live on the university.

Strikingly differing opinions have appeared on the internet and through word of mouth, with some people believing that this game is the best thing ever. We got a statement from one person, who claimed, ‘oooshabooowho’sagoodboyIcanpatthedogojgjas.' Or at least, we think they said that. It was hard to understand the baby talk. However, the anxiety that arose for Bullet during the frightening events of the game was too much for others, with one person on Twitter stating, ‘Blair Witch, if you touch my dog, if you come anywhere near my dog, if you even fucking look at my dog, if you are ever in the general vicinity of my dog, I will pull your spine out through your toes.’ The debates have lead to an interview with Lionsgate, the producers of the game, where one of the developers attempted to justify their creation of Bullet: ‘We thought you would like having a dog in the game. You can pet him!’

‘This is the problem with video games.’ said Karen, a woman who revealed that she actually had no relation to the issue, but just liked complaining, ‘Children and geese are so impressionable. What kind of world are we making?!? Think of the children! True, there are no children on this campus but THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!’ When we attempted to approach a goose for comment, we planned to have a fascinating discussion on Geese representation within media, whether our psychology is really so inﬂuenced by gaming, and how this could impact goose-human relations on campus from now on. The goose said 'HONK' and then chased us for 3 miles. Lucy Finnighan

But the public was not convinced. ‘You can pet him, yes, but you can also kill him! Why?!’ ‘You understand that Bullet isn’t real, right? This is a video game.’ ‘But why would you do that to a dog?!’ 'HE'S NOT REAL!' ‘BUT HE'S A GOOD BOY!’ As for me personally, while the debate has been going on, I have spent the past 35 hours petting Bullet. Money well fucking spent. Lucy Finnighan

... is on our Twitter!

Shocking: The last image taken before the swift hospitalisation of PhotoSoc fresher, Gregory Daniels.

Science and Tech

Thomas Wayne founded The Lemon Press.

Treelon Musk Defeats Climate Change After coming across a Fortnite inspired tweet from YouTuber MrBeast, the billionaire CEO and part-time meme-er, Elon Musk, promised to donate a million dollars to the Arbor Day Foundation. Yet again, our environmentally friendly hero comes in clutch in the battle against climate change, claiming the top spot as number one donator in the bid to plant twenty million trees by the 1st of January 2020. This was until fellow billionaire Tobias Lütke pulled a quick one on Musk, donating $1,000,001 and dethroning him as the highest contributor and saviour of Planet Earth. The end result of this ﬁgurative comparison of phalluses by the two billionaire CEO’s, meant a further two million and one trees being planted. With feuds like this, they will be taking down the “YUSU declares a climate emergency” posters in no time. Joe Thornton

Harry Clay

Number of Women in STEM Dropping Recent studies have shown that while women make up 50% of STEM students, the number of women in top STEM jobs drops, to just one in ﬁve. While these numbers are alarming, conferences are being held to discuss the issue. Because apparently, these top scientists are too stupid to ﬁgure out what the problem is. The main question is... where are they going? Where are these women disappearing to? Do they just vanish? I myself am interested in STEM, does that mean that once I start applying for jobs, I’ll just get Thanos snapped? I mean, 50% down to 1 in 5? That’s almost 4 women who have disappeared! A number of speakers at the conference related the problem to sexism, which is ridiculous. Sexism in STEM ended when Sandra Bullock went to space with George Clooney! So what’s really going on?! Who’s taking these women? It’s goblins, isn’t it? Goblins are grabbing female scientists and disappearing into the night! Now I understand what Stevie Smith was saying in Year 3: ‘Girls are smelly, and not good at science.’ All this time, he was trying to protect me! We need to do what Stevie Smith intended! We need to keep women safe from science! From now on, only men can work in STEM jobs! GET WOMEN OUT OF STEM!

Science and Tech

Harry Clay

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Forgive my satire. I have a condition.

Joker Dead After US Raid in Syria Joker, the clown prince of crime, died on Sunday night after a raid by US special forces in north-west Syria. Trump’s team gathered in the White House situation room to munch on snacks and watch the raid in between screenings of Fight Club and Dude Bro Party Massacre III. ‘He died like a dog, a big red laughing dog. He died like Clifford. He was a clown, a joker, a nutjob. He died like a cackling coward!’ President Trump said from the White House. Joker came to prominence following his declaration of a ‘society’ to stretch from Gotham City to Iraq in 2008. Hordes of followers saw him as ‘actually the good guy’ and have offered their support on online forums ever since. ‘We live in a society’ is the chant of this sad cult which has fought manically in the modern theatres of war: Facebook, Twitter, and Vision’s comments section. Joker’s death is a clear blow to incels, ‘nice guys’, and Todd Phillips fans everywhere. A ﬁlm of the raid is in the process of being declassiﬁed and will hit cinemas soon. Will Rowan

Joker: A Family Comedy Romp for the Ages Lights, camera, batman! The Joker's back, and boy, he's funny! This laugh-a-minute riot of a film will have you literally dying in the cinema! Newcomer Joaquin 'Phunny Bones' Phoenix delivers a performance comparable to John Candy in Planes, Trains and Automobiles or Bill Murray in Groundhog Day: very good! He's got the look AND he can act, and he's pretty darn good at it too! His comic timing in this film is better than second to none... it's first!

Joker Review Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen, to the Cinema Critical Corner. I’m your host, Snobby Critic, and today we will be discussing the success of the latest Joker movie. And with that success, comes the return of people who think that being obsessed with the Joker counts as a personality trait. We get it, David. The Joker really tells it like it is. He really speaks to you. You, David, who still gets his laundry done by his middle-class mother while he works at M&S. This movie was made specifically for you. Because we live in a society that doesn’t appreciate you for interrupting your female colleagues and bravely giving your opinion that no one asked for on an issue that doesn’t affect you. The movie includes a marvellous performance by Joaquin Phoenix, known for his role in 'Her', playing a man so sad and lonely that he falls in love with a phone, which is probably a more relatable character for these Joker fanboys. However, these people are easier to deal with than that weird guy in your office who relates to the movie a little too much. This report is simultaneously a public warning to watch out for that guy, because we live in a society where it is standard protocol that if someone even slightly mentions the Joker movie to you, you must immediately call the police. But hey, at least they’re not the girl who thought Jared Leto would have been a better choice. As annoying as the fanboys can be, the movie is still significantly well-crafted and performed. I rate it 4 societies out of 5. Lucy Finnighan

The jokes landed on the audience just like rubber bullets raining down on unruly student protestors; you may not get it at ﬁrst, but then it hits you and you're in serious pain! From laughter! In a good way! (One man's opinion.) Take the kids! Take the wife! Take your mother, of whom you have occasional fantasies of smothering with a pillow in her hospital bed! It's a hoot! Five stars, my son of 19 years, Gregory, was in tears (ﬁrst time I've seen him cry) (Not ashamed). Bry Daniels - Film Critic

thelemonpress.co.uk

Arts

We are proud to name 400 unemployed journalists as our distinguished alumni

Failed YSTV Pilots

Who's On I'm a Celeb?

Title: I'm a BNOC, Get Me Out of Here Summary: We lock ten people who claim to be BNOCs in a seminar room with no lights for two weeks. Night vision cameras are hidden in the room to capture the action live, as it happens. If any of them survive, they are crowned BNOC of the year. (Well it's better than The Tab deciding isn't it?)

Seeing as The Sun, and just about every other publication that cares is just guessing who might be on I'm a Celeb, The Lemon Press is stepping into the light with our hot picks as to who we think will be forced to eat rare animal genitalia for a six ﬁgure sum.

Title: Fresher's Guide to University Toilets Summary: The spiritual successor to the YSTV College Guide, YSTV looks at the very best and the very worst of the Uni's bogs. Sinks, cubicles, urinals and anything else that might affect your experience will be up for review here, so you'll be able to find the very best places on campus to stash weapons, snort coke, or anything else a normal student would do in the bathroom. Title: The President Summary: It's like The Crown, but with YUSU Presidents. Title: ROSES LowLights Summary: Fails, falls and flounders. That's what students want in their sporting events, and that's what we'll give them. A camera crew will be covering each event, eager to catch every wannabe sportsperson, falling flat on their arse. It's like You've Been Framed, but with sports, and we don't have the budget for Harry Hill. Title: YUSU 'Til I Die Summary: It's like Sunderland 'Til I Die, but with YUSU. Title: The Tom Scott Extravaganza! Summary: We get hit online personality and alumni Tom Scott to sit in our studio and do things. We thought it's about time to plug that alumni-student gap and to do that, we're wheeling out literally the only thing we're known for. Staring alongside will be the one who works in the library, err, the one with the funny hair, and I can never remember the other one...

•Andy Gill - Remember Gang of Four? No, not the Chinese Communist Party. No, not the SDP. The band from Leeds. Well founding member Andy Gill is coming on to try and keep the pensioner portion of the show hot, and his views on Marxist Critical Theory hotter. •Joseph Kony - He's skint and out of kids to sell into slavery, so he's come back for a ﬁght into the big league. Expect his classic cheeky wit and unforgettable charm. •Jason Russell - Whoops, wrong list, he's meant to be on Naked and Afraid. •Jim Fudge - After a glorious career as a professional tool, Jim Fudge is taking his life to greater heights by forcing himself to be covered in bats... or whatever it is they do on this show. Will he stand up under the heat? Who knows. Hopefully not. •A literal pile of shit - Having dominated the political arena over the past decade, this contender is ready to take the challenge. Pundits are already toting this candidate to be the most pleasant Ant & Dec have ever had. •Ant's AA Group - They're all coming along to support the big man now he's back with the little man. Tony, Steve, Rachael, and all the gang will be going all 12 steps of the way to keep the show alive and Ant's darker side dead. Harry Clay

Title: Making a Union Summary: It's like Making a Murderer... Harry Clay

SAD: An Aging Mr. Chips Reveals He Now Struggles to Read Scripts and Autocues.

Producer's cries of, 'Just say what you see!' only add to the cylindrical star's struggles. Charles Proctor

Arts

We're so far away from 1,000,000 likes...

Only you can see this header.

I Broke into Every Flat Pre's I Could During Freshers' Week, and It's Exactly as You'd Expect NOICE has never stood down when it comes to the hard issues. Drugs. Sex. Booze. I have no other way to get any so I get paid £25 an article and as many expenses as I can snort to bring the very best student life news to you. This year, Freshers' Week happened. I know it happened the past few years too, and will probably happen again, but that’s beside the point. I took it upon my disturbingly sober self to find out what exactly freshers are doing this time of year. First of all, I had to get in. It’s harder than you think. Doors were my first port of call, but after a couple flats told me to, ‘Fuck off’, ‘Get lost’, and 'Stop trying to get in our flat creep’, I realised that this method of entry would provide me nought but pain. I wasn't running a respectable YUSU campaign you know, I was out for the hottest of goss, and you don't always get invited in for that. Then it came to me. I was trying to think of an appropriate analogy for how an idea would come to me, and then all of a sudden, a bird fell by my feet dead after it struck a closed window. Windows were my way in. It was easy. Very rarely did anyone pay attention as I slid my torso through gaps in glass. By very rarely, I of course mean all the time, but that doesn’t matter. I rattled through Derwent like a breeze, flat by flat. Each floor roughly the same as the last, it seemed like they might as well be playing the same playlist and drinking the same drinks. Speaking of drinks, I was dead good on that front. Half pints left around, cocktails unattended, and punchbowls of punch proved easy enough to pilfer, until I could barely stand. This was only the beginning of my problems however. As I headed to Alcuin, I realised that my drink mixing had some slightly exaggerated effects on my motor skills, and some entirely unintended effects on my bowels. Slipping up the hill I now know to only be a few feet high but temporarily believed was about 15 miles, I only just made it to the next flat’s bog before my internals became externals all too soon. A narrow escape for now, but who knows what the rest of the night will bring. I can’t say I was anything other than disappointed with the next

... you can help us get there.

flat. Q Block Screw Block they called it. Well I charged in, dignity hanging all over the place, and was faced with nothing but nerds and coke. Not the fun, shove it up your nose until your eyes turn the same colour as a red biro coke, but the thick, bubbly, syrupy stuff you get in 2 litre bottles. ‘Fucking amateurs!’ I cried out. They just cried. Leaving in a hurry, I moved down to Vanbrugh, only stopping briefly to put my dignity away and do my fly up. By this point, my vision was blurred, confused, and wary as well, Vision is, and the going seemed to get really tough. It was only walking man, but fuck was it hard work. I got to Eric Millner, only to find that the only party going at that point was on the 2nd floor. Fucking hell there’s no chance of climbing up there, but for the sake of news, I grafted on. Claiming to be a member of student media (who all have offices in EM), I got someone to open the doors for me. It was only a trick of subtlety to follow them in all the way into their flat, but damn. They closed the door too quickly. ‘Shitting crikey’ I thought to myself. It was almost 11:30pm and I could barely stand. I don’t know how drunk you normally get, but I was gone. More than gone. More than drunk. It must have been more than drink. ‘Those nerds!’ I shouted out, only pausing once or twice to cough. They must have been putting something more exotic in that coke than I first thought. Part of me now feels a little bit more respectful of them, but at the time, boy oh boy did I want to get some nerd blood over my knuckles. It was too late for that though. My body was failing fast and I needed to evacuate some of the toxins in my body. Where though? A bright light in the near distance. I rush over. The automatic doors greet me through as I greet the room with approximately two gallons of pure vomit. It was only after I looked at the row of shocked faces that I remembered the official YUSU non-drinking bingo night had been taking place in YorSpace. 'Clean the floor 54' I said, rushing out before anyone could figure out who I was behind the ruined hair and soiled clothes. Freshers’ week was a fun experience, not one that I’d want to repeat, but not one I regret. Harry Clay

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Come back to my flat for YSTV and chill?

A Message From Your YUSU President in Exile Hello, calling from [redacted location]. Despite the closure of Courtyard reducing my possible hiding locations, I remain uncaught by the authorities. Since the General Election has been called I have received phone calls, texts, messages into my radio show, Myspace messages, and messages from my contacts on Linkedin asking me to stand. I regret to inform all of you that I will not be standing, to avoid splitting the vote. Splitting the vote with who I don’t know, I could be standing down in favour of Labour/Lib Dems/ Conservatives (pick whichever one is your favourite party), or I could be standing down in favour of the SDP, or the Monster Raving Loony party, the Whigs, or in favour of Liechtenstein Green Party. I just don’t know. Either that or I’m standing down because I don’t have £500 to pay for a deposit, and can’t be bothered to collect signatures in the cold. We’ll never know. If I was standing in the General Election I would run into the empty chair problem, because if I am being interviewed whilst I'm a floating head, would the chair be empty? Truly one of the great philosophical dilemmas of our time. Please send in your answers, including any workings out, to thelemonpresseditor@gmail.com. However, at times like this, we must ask questions; what is true leadership? The leadership that delivers the smallest plastic bottomed lake in Europe, the leadership that is able to decide which direction the travelator between Fairhurst and Morrell should be, the type of leadership which is willing to get high off the E-numbers in blue smarties. And I call on the political parties to think about these types of leadership, so they can focus on the real issues. Some journalists are saying that this election is the ‘Brexit Election’, however any good politician would know that this election should be the ‘Put the E-numbers back into Blue Smarties Election’. In other news, I would like to deny that the armed resistance fighters acting in my name are responsible for the closure of Courtyard, as I only believe in targeting legitimate targets such as Yorspace and the York Vision office. I would also like to make it clear that I will never cause the lake to flood as part of my fight with YUSU, because I am morally opposed to biological and/or chemical warfare.

TRENDING: CHINESE GAMERS BEING OPRESSED, RADICAL LEFT TO BLAME?

POPULAR: I DON'T HATE JUST MINORITIES, I HATE EVERYONE

OPINION: AN ENERGISED, POLITICALLY ACTIVE YOUTH IS BAD NEWS

FACT: SANTA IS A COMMUNIST, DON'T LET HIM INTO YOUR HOME

I don't often get angry, but if I see one more kid with a head full of socialist ideas and a heart full of goodwill to all, I may have to leave the country I love. The radical left are promising to turn out in massive numbers next fall and I just can't stand it. They're hoping to turn our country into a mixture of Venezuela, Gotham City, and Gondor — whichever sounds worse. We can't let that happen! Here's how we can ﬁght back:

This Christmas, I won't be inviting Santa into my home. I won't be inviting anyone into my home. I tried to red-pill my brother last year by calling him a 'cuck' in front of his wife. It led to this almighty row, and now I don't receive even a Christmas card. This gave rise to an unexpected boon: the rapid development of my political ideology. Social isolation has given me time to ask all sorts of questions, such as, 'How does the radical left infect children with optimism?'

Give Me Money: I know I asked for your money last time but I'm broke again after I spent your previous donations on a mansion to stick it to the liberals. Give Me More Money: I had to sell the mansion due to legal costs from relentlessly bullying liberals online. This is my... your future at stake. I'm... we're counting on you! Join me in ﬁghting back! 25

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The answer is Santa Claus. That rotund man has been forcefeeding ﬁlthy lies to us from childhood. He sets out a bad example for children (I don't have children, that's a story for another time). They think they can get something for nothing, that everyone is important on this big globe and deserves happiness. This kind of thinking makes them vote Democrat. It's enough to make you go mad.

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Gaming Ovens with Will Rowan? Makes you think.

Next Gen Roundup: Stadia vs. WW3

Cooking Mama Introduces No Deal Brexit DLC Fans of Cooking Mama are being treated to a twist on the current formula with the introduction of No Deal Brexit DLC. For the price of 10% of GDP, players will get the chance to cook up classic British meals like chlorinated chicken on a bed of carcinogenic cabbages.

Realism: Whereas the Stadia offers gaming on demand in glorious 4K, WW3 easily beats it in terms of realism. Getting your eardrums burst under heavy flak fire never felt so painful. Local Play: Stadia is an always-online system, neglecting those of us with unreliable internet connections. WW3 offers the chance to team up with friends as part of a local militia. No internet access required! Accessibility: WW3 is sure to involve all age groups from all corners of the globe. Depending on how the console wars are going, incentives may be given for ageing gamers: veterans of Suez, Vietnam, and DOOM to get back on the battlefield. Stadia can’t compete. Online features: Stadia relies heavily on YouTube to allow you to get into the game. WW3 relies on large WhatsApp groups to coordinate a land, sea, and air campaign over encrypted channels. WW3 gives you more ways to play! Price: It’s £10 a month or near-certain death at the hands of experimental weaponry wielded by a child soldier. How much do you value your life? This is going to be a difficult decision. Luckily, you have a month to make it. That’s it! WW3 wins on realism, local play, accessibility, online features, and price. It’s really no surprise due to the sheer amount of thought, planning and the massive R&D budget going into ensuring that the next generation is also the last generation.

It's only £5.

Reviews have been mixed so far but what can you expect from a place called EuroGamer? It’s in the title folks.

Scientists Discover Habitable World in The Outer Worlds The search for a habitable world for humanity has progressed thanks to the power of video games. The Outer Worlds, Obsidian’s latest RPG, is where such a planet was found. Warm, full of polygonal creatures, and surprisingly bug-free, this is a planet to die for! It’s incredible. Following the discovery of a habitable world, scientists were quick to discover the existence of whole new systems teeming with extraterrestrial life. They found fasterthan-light travel, instant revives, and the secret to slowing down time (‘RB’ on Xbox One). This is only the beginning of what we can learn from video games.

A Day in Gaming History: The Game Cuban Missile Crisis I will write in some reverance here as we think back to one of the darkest days of the last century. The clock was closer to midnight than ever before, Nintendo looked doomed. The Game Cube had only sold half of what it was forecast and turned the console war into the coldest of Cold Wars. If Nintendo had fallen then, gaming may have never recovered. Thankfully, due to the work of gaming patriots like Reggie and JFK, Nintendo was back in the ﬁght with the release of the Wii.

Arts

All the ladies say I’m pretty fly for a wife guy.

An Esteemed Message, from Your Not so Esteemed Leader - Viscount Clay Ah, my dearest readers. You’re back. And not before time! I know my absence from your life has been shorter than normal, blame the editors for that, but nevertheless, it’s as obvious as it can be that you need me in your life. Ever since my last tale, I know you’ve all been itching to hear the next part of my incredible journey in life. It’s only my pleasure to scratch that itch, right after I scratch something of my own. Last time, I told you my long and weary story, of how so much of my good fortune departed me, after I lost huge amounts of money investing in buckets. I’ll be honest, it wasn’t the most noble way to lose one’s wealth, but we all have our downsides. Did England have the most noble defeat in the Rugby World Cup? Did Nouse have the most noble defeat after they found out they had no money for printing licences? Anyway, you’re here to hear a new story, and a new one I have. For years now, I have been describing to you events from my long, distant, and award winning past. These stories show you all how I became the man I am today, and being a man better than you, it was always wise for you to take note of what message I had to pass on. This time, however, I have a story not from the past. So recent, if it had just died, the crematorium people would be waiting for it to change colour before they start the furnaces.

there. The next day, it was an even bigger lock. Then it was toenail clippings. And then flakes of skin. Over the next few days, I was being slowly shaved away like a sheep owned by the world’s laziest farmer. It had to stop. The first plan was to rule out a time when I was being got at. The night was an easy one. I bolted my door shut, paid for a platoon of armed guards outside the doorway, nailed each of the floorboards, wall panels, and ceiling tiles closed, covered the window with curtains threaded across barbed wire, and slept. Everything remained in place the next morning, so it had to be during the day. Not only that, but over the last week, I’ve, well, been diagnosed with what modern doctors would call a ‘sexually transmitted disease’, but what would have been known in my less politically correct days, as ‘dick rot’. This meant that my usual consortium of, errr, advisors and assistants had been cut down to the bare minimum. It could only be a few select people. The first, my butler and dear friend, Jonathon Poursgood. His family had been serving my family, for as long as our families had existed. The betrayal seemed unlikely, but luckily, I had a trick up my sleeve. He was an absolutely terrible liar. Over many a game of cards, I developed a brilliant sense of what his tells were. With him ruled out, I had two options, and both were equally suspect. Timothy Conisbrough, my loyal and trustworthy cook, and Charles Quinnothy, my constantly late, constantly stressed, and constantly scheming writing partner.

It all happened after I published my latest story in the previous edition of The Lemon Press. It was, like all my stories, incredibly well received, but one particular reader took a very thorough liking to it. The day of distribution, I received a letter describing I was taking some time to work on my next novel, in great detail, all the parts of my story that this Depicted by Holly Palmer ‘The Lust Bats from Space’, when all of a sudden, one individual liked. The next day, I received a letter with all the bits they didn’t quite like, but with constructive of the huge suits of armour I keep in my study fell to pieces. criticism. Each day over that week, I had a new letter to read, Inside was a series of objects, each more disturbing than the last, with more and more analysis of what I said. Bemusing at first, detailing exactly who was to blame. Pieces of hair, nail clippings, but the detail struck me like a clock strikes 12 or a well-to-do and all sorts of parts from me, along with notes detailing my gentleman strikes his servant. They had so much insight about movements. Each note had no identifying features, apart from one, which read ‘It’s Charles what did it, it was all me, I confess my life. They knew so much. Too much. and it definitely wasn’t someone else 100% all me’. It was the end of the week when I knew things were getting out of hand. I opened the letter, expecting a critical theorist's Well dear reader. What did you expect me to do. Charles, the analysis of why I chose the word ‘fuck’, but instead, the pages conniving bastard was sent off to the gallows this very morning. revealed something far more sinister indead. It was a lock of my And I live a happy life undisturbed from the disturbing intrigues of my more particular colleagues. So enjoy your day, remember own hair, along with the words ‘I’m coming for more’. to read the rest of this fine copy of The Lemon Press, and keep an How they got it, I had no idea. My mind was awash with vibrant eye on your friends. They might be trying to shave bits of you stories of how it happened. So many convoluted ideas, daring off. escapes, brilliant escapades. A whole series of second-rate novel Viscount Clay, Lord of Hougun Manor plots came pouring out of my head. And it only got worse from

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Draw a cartoon.

Gamer? No. I'm a Pisces.

England Vs New Zealand

New Zealand Back with a Bang

The weather is crisp, but simple. I sit in Courtyard. It is quiet. A few people queue. My table is sticky, but otherwise okay. My cheesy chips have arrived 40 minutes late. My diet coke is ﬁne. I sip it, and sigh.

The All Blacks uncover new, environmentally-friendly ramen cooking technique, in bid to stay relevant, following disappointingly early World Cup exit: • Pour cold water in mouth.

This is an ordinary day. Little do I know, chaos is about to ensue.

• Add uncooked ramen.

The TV is showing advertisements. I can’t quite make out what channel it is. The vague noise it gives off is a hum in my ears. Something about the upcoming game.

• Boil ramen with own pseudo-religious, ritualistic rage-dance, as English men must stand – not in a v-formation, on the back of a plagiarism claim from The Red Arrows – and watch your ecokettle never boil.

My diet coke ripples. As if it can sense something, like a dog sense a tsunami. My head turns back to the TV, and my eye catches something in the corner. I can’t read it fully, but I know one of those words. Sport. And I hear my own death sentence. ‘Now next up, England vs New Zealand.’ The sentence is simple, yet oh so horrifying. England vs New Zealand. It can’t be. It can’t be the day. I was so careful. My blood goes cold. I feel the hairs on the back of my neck rise up, listening. The entire room is silent. Waiting. Waiting to hear that very ﬁrst noise. Thud. There it is. Thud. I can hear it. Feel it. Sense it. Thud. Footsteps. Striped polo t-shirts. The undeniable air of posh entitlement. Thud.

• Water is to be drained away through own teeth, whilst chanting with your tongue out, to add some spittle-y flavouring. • And, finally, The Lemon Press’ own, secret twist to this recipe is to add some Owen Farrell’s Sauce(y glare). Disclaimer: Owen Farrell must be on hand to smirk at you, whilst staring into the abyss of your mouth, in order to draw out the full depth of flavour to this sauce. The Lemon Press makes no guarantees of Owen Farrell’s appearance at any scheduled time or place, except to cry incessantly, any time South Africa put England back in their little-islander box. Judd Bennett

Your Mate's 2002 Nissan Micra is F1's New Entry in 2021

With new regulations coming to F1 in 2021, there has been a lot of speculation about new teams entering the sport. The Lemon Press can now exclusively reveal the new team is just your mate from school, who you only see in the holidays, entering his old Nissan Micra. The driver line up of this new team will consist of Lewis Hamilton, and Princess Diana's Parisian driver. The car will feature a new type of DRS (Drag Reduction System) where parts of the car fall off during the race, allowing it to overtake other cars at speed on the straights. Lewis Hamilton told The Lemon Press ,'The car handles like no other F1 Car', and Princess Diana's Parisian driver told us that he, 'Likes the seatbelts'. We asked other legends of the sport for comment but Aryton Senna did not respond. Chris Small

The door opens, and I see the shadows of hundreds…no, thousands. They are here. The Rugby Fans. Lucy Finnighan

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Tik Tok? No, I have a smartwatch.

Letters With Agony Ant In our newest feature 'Agony Ant', readers of The Lemon Press were invited to write in to our insectoid consultant, X. O. Skelton, to receive stories and information about life as an ant. However, it appears there were some crossed wires. Dear Miss Skelton, I can’t afford to feed myself! Let me backtrack a bit. I’m a second-year PPE student and I get a pretty small maintenance loan, and my rent is through the roof. Financially, I started the year off pretty well – stocking the cupboards with Aldi food, limiting my expenditures, and so forth. But it’s all fallen apart in this last month! Between Kuda Tuesdays, Salvos Wednesdays, and all those takeaways I bought after realising all that mush from Aldi was horrid, I’ve fallen pretty far into my overdraft. Do you have any tips on what to do? Thanks, Hugh N . Gree Dear Hugh, I feel your pain. Budgeting is tricky! But I think I might be able to help you out. Whenever I’m low on food, there’s a little trick I like to do. First of all, I scavenge for crumbs. (Here’s a hint – check the library carpets!) Then, I gather together some friends not too many, just a couple of hundred – and we march single ﬁle to the food source. Finally, and this is the tricky part, you each lift a chunk of food weighing 10-50 times your body weight. Now all you’ve got to do is get home with your pals without getting sprayed, and voila! Your sparse, barren nest is now a fully-ﬂedged grub hub! And remember; always give 29

some of your haul to the Queen! If you’re not sure who that is, check which one of your housemates has wings, and the biggest, juiciest thorax. Best of luck! -Agony Ant

Dear Miss Skelton, I need romance advice! There’s this girl in my halls, but she doesn’t even know I exist! She’s like a princess! How can I win her everlasting love? Or, failing that, some drunken hand stuff? At this point, I’ll take anything. Yours in desperation, Des Parrot Hi Des, Call me old fashioned, but I’m a firm believer in the power of pheromones. However, if she is indeed a Princess Ant, you could always try intercepting her on her nuptial flight. Just wait until the humid season comes, and then 'accidentally' bump into her; on a hedge, in a flower, wherever. Then get the ol’ larvamaker ready, and wait for the magic to happen. You’ll die a day or two later, of course, but what a way to go! And, of course, your sweetheart will always have the good memories to remember you by. Those, and your sperm stored indefinitely in her sperm-pouch. -Agony Ant

Letters and Obituaries

Alfie Gerzimbke

Obituaries

A Lament to Editors

I sit in the Layup of November 2019, staring at my screen. Scribus isn't letting me move an image. The bloody thing won't move into the middle of the page. Now everything looks lopsided. I sigh, and sit back in my seat. I think of times before, when all I would do in Layup was play High School Musical songs. It was a miracle even if I did one spread. I picture the editors in my mind. They stand so tall in my memory. Well, techinically, they were sitting, but like, symbollically, they seemed untouchable. I wonder, in the ﬂuorescent

lights, where they are now, where it is exactly that they have passed on to. I wonder if the afterlife that so many editors have reached, is a peaceful one. I wonder if they are looking down on me. I wonder if any of them have jobs. Why are there tears slowly rolling down my cheeks? Am I laughing or am I crying? I can't tell anymore. Maybe my eyes are just tired from staring at a screen for 12 hours. But what will happen to me, when I myself have passed? Who lives, who dies, who tells your satire?

Infamous Last Words

I was almost hit by a car the other day. In an effort to get to a seminar I crossed the road narrowly missing a car, getting honked at in the process. Rather than use the experience to reflect on my hasty actions and grow as a person, I instead began to imagine all the funny things I could have said if I was actually hit. That being said, here is the list so far: 1. ‘Ok boomer’: This will only be funny if you are hit by a boomer and if there are others near you to hear it. Who cares if it’s a dead meme, you’re deader after being hit by a boomer’s 4X4! Also, the plosive syllable ‘b’ may even spit some blood onto the person who hit you – that would be funny. 2. ‘Do my parents get my accommodation deposit back?’: Long last-words like this rest on how badly the car hit you. Depending on how far your ribs have lodged into your lung, this one may be tricky. 3. ‘No pictures’: Do not give YSTV the satisfaction of reporting your death. Those desperate vultures don’t deserve the pleasure. 4. ‘Fuck’: Not overly creative, but who cares? You're about to die and most of your grey matter is on the road anyway. Better still, this line can fit on a tombstone easily. If your comedic timing is any better than my crossing timing, then you will be able to land these last words fine! If you have any other funny last words, write them down, you never know when they might come in use. James Rhodes

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Ok boomer. We're done here.

Horoscopes with Lucid Lucy

Aries: Mar 21 – Apr 19 The stars are in alignment this week, Aries, and you must……...you…..you know what? I don’t need this anymore. I’ve been Lucid Lucy for far too bloody long now. This schtick is getting old. Horoscopes aren’t real. There, I said it! Taurus: Apr 20 – May 20 I mean, seriously Taurus, this is a satire magazine. You’re really looking for your horoscope in here? Gemini: May 21 – Jun 20 I know you’re obsessed with horoscopes, Gemini, but come oooonnnn. Anything you do, you just justify it by saying ‘I’m a Gemini’. So there’s your horoscope. You’re going to do things. Because you’re a Gemini. Cancer: Jun 21 – Jul 22 I can’t be looking into a crystal ball every bloody day of the week, Cancer, just because you want to know the reason why you’ll be crying this month. Leo: Jul 23 10 – Aug 22 I got shit to do, Leo. I know you expect me to get down and worship you with every horoscope, but get real. I’m tired of this. Virgo: Aug 23 – Sep 22 Virgos are never happy with the horoscope they get anyway, so what’s the point in saying it? I should know, I’m a Virgo myself. So here’s my horoscope: I’m sick of you all demanding the future from me.

Libra: Sep 23 – Oct 22 The future is a fucking dumpster ﬁre, why would you want to know that, Libra? Why can’t we all just shove our heads into the sand, like the good old days?! Scorpio: Oct 23 – Nov 21 Just leave me alone, Scorpio! I don’t care what drama you’re going to have this month, because there’s always drama with you! I have my own drama to think about, why do I have to predict everyone else’s?! Sagittarius: Nov 22 – Dec 21 The only advice I can give you is to protect your resources, Saggitarius. Not that you ever will, you dumb bitch. No one listens to any advice I give them anyway. Capricorn: Dec 22 – Jan 19 The future is awful, and you should fear it. Stop reading horoscopes. There’s no point. Just be afraid, Capricorn. In fact, you should all be afraid. And I’m afraid of having to guide all you idiots through it! Aquarius: Jan 20 - Feb 18 The world is ending, Aquarius, and you really want to know your fucking horoscope? Pisces: Feb 19 – Mar20 Fuck this bollocks Pisces, I quit! Figure your own shit out!

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