The Lemon Press — Issue 35 by The Lemon Press

I really wouldn't read this you know.

Editors' Introduction

Contents

Readers, dry your eyes. We know that for all our dedicated subscribers, the imminent loss of your favourite satirical editors is nothing short of devastating. Yet, weep not. For one thing, we cannot abide the potential for your salty, watery tears dripping down onto these pages and sullying the high quality content we worked so hard for. Most importantly, though, we actually — staggeringly — managed to survive this whole thing. Although drastic action may have seemed appealing on many a long, cold night of endless editing, we resisted. We didn’t succumb to shooting each other simultaneously in the temple. Then, none of you lazy bastards were actually smart enough to respond to the society’s request to have one of us drowned, so we weren’t even murdered. Bet you feel like mugs now, eh?

Campus News & Politics Arts Lifestyle Science and Tech Features Letters Puzzles & Horoscopes

pp 3‐10 pp 11‐17 pp 18‐20 pp 20‐22 pp 23‐24 pp 25‐28 pp 29 pp 30

The Lemon Press Staff

Although — crying. Yes, we’re sure you’re trying not to cry. It is sad, after all. No more ‘hidden’ middle-class agendas or covert references to Radio 4, no more actual editing ability expressed by campus media editors. God help you all when you come to read the next edition of this magazine, which will no doubt be 30 pages of repetitive, misspelled claptrap. This is, we’re afraid, the end, folks. The end of the greatest regime The Lemon Press ever enjoyed. As for us, we’ll be sipping quinoa cocktails, or something, in Islington as Rome burns.

Editors: Henry Dyer and Izzy Palmer

Deputy Editors: Marvin Drury and Lucy Finnighan Sub Editor: Taghreed Ayaz Print Editor Emeritus: Dr. G. Bramoli (requiescat in pace)

So, why don’t you make it count? Indulge in one last really good, proper read. Let each well-crafted page weigh firm in your hands as you breathe in the final scent of proper, lemony satire. Memorise its heady fragrance, before the sickly rot of usurper editing bursts forth in the next edition. Note the balance, the neutrality, and the thrilling hum of political correctness that resonates through each article. Remember it, relish it, and then let it go.

Campus Editors: Sioned Gill and Hal Bowden News & Politics Editors: Harry Clay and Durrah Afyouni Lifestyle Editor: Kathryn Sandercock Science & Tech Editor: Mark Matthews Arts Editor: Lara Medlam Features Editor: Marvin Drury Sports Editor: Cole Smith

Illustrators: Henry Dyer (Front Cover and Back Cover), Sid Leigh, and Taghreed Ayaz (Various)

Yours for now but not much longer, Izzy and Henry

President: Myles Dunnett Treasurer: Alex Campbell Secretary: Leusa Lloyd

Vice-President: Gregory Waddell Deputy Treasurer: Cole Smith Social Secretary: Ellie Grana

Ordinary Members: Hal Bowden and Pasky Miranda

Contributors: Giles Beattie, Matt Harwood, Jacob Phillips, Alfie Gerzimbke, Connie Blach, Alastair Dunstan, Tom Davies, Callum Sharp, and Will Rowan

Contact the editors at: thelemonpresseditor@gmail.com Contact the society at: lemonpress@yusu.org We're not dead. But just in case we do die.

Welcome back. Let's get started.

Disclaimer: No facts or actual attributable quotations are published in this satirical magazine. Produced 19th February 2018.

Contents

Put this back, you didn't pay for it.

YUSU OF ELECTION

‘The Union belongs to you...

Again! Why? Explain this ongoing agony. Allegedly, having frequent elections with a turnover of sabbs helps to keep things nice and fresh. Of course, the real truth is that to ensure that sabbs achieve nothing, they are kept to short term lengths which give them just enough time to realise that the system is rigged against them. Plus, of course, the charade of democracy keeps the Charity Commission off YUSU's back, so less investigation into why the YUSU offices continually has caviar and champagne delivered. This is mostly hidden, especially from the candidates, who come into the race with an endearing sense of optimism which is quickly crushed under the bureaucratic wroth of the Powers That Be. And thus, to help keep the lie going, it is propagated frequently as truth. But The Lemon Press will speak truth to power, because democracy dies in darkness, and all that. We found this list of candidates somewhere in Grimston House and took part in some true democracy with an unequal voting system to determine who we'd endorse. If you don't see these candidates appear, ask yourself: why? And then write-in a vote on your phone using a Sharpie. That counts. Trust us. Trust democracy. Or else.

YUSU President Zac Goldsmith's Racist Dog Whistle The dog whistle belonging to the acclaimed Bollywood film critic, current Richmond Park MP, and failed Mayor of London candidate, Zac Goldsmith is claimed to have a racist past. Will it generate enough support to seize power this time? We hope so.

A Half-Eaten Tin of Jezza's Cold Beans This partially consumed high nutritional value can has big links to senior political figures in British politics. Will the relationship to socialism hurt its campaign? They say they're keen beans, with a can-do behaviour, but are they just has-beens? No. I'm not sorry.

Rejuvenated, Reinvigorated, and Resurrected Robert Mugabe Returning to the presidential race for another year, Mugabe has spent his time since stepping down as President of Zimbabwe in deep contemplation, increasing his arcane powers. Will this give him the edge? Only time will tell.

Student Activities Officer Moses The oldest of the bunch, he's returning with another ten policies to hand down from the mountaintop. Though this time, given the lake's chemically hazardous nature, he's not planning on arriving by basket in the water. (The associated image is a stock placeholder from last year.)

E RS

Campus

E RS

The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) Another part of the Abrahamic ticket, this youngest member is of Ishmael, not Isaac. With a hot legacy of the Islamic Golden Age and a divine hotline via angel Gabriel make him a surefire winner. Though without the ability to read or write, what manifesto will he make?

Jesus Christ The Son of God enters on the triple-bill Abrahamic ticket to the Activities Officer race. He's got good experience working as part of trinities, but some are concerned he won't be seen too much. Critics already suggest they'd rather have Barabbas. But for this Lenten vote, is Christ your man?

Stay up to date on our shenanigans online...

Arranged correctly, this issue also provides a very snug tent for your pet gerbil.

FFICER NS 2018

...and you belong to the Union.’

Academic Officer Toby Old The older, somewhat more lecherous version of Toby Young, to whom time (or Photoshop) has not been kind. But the added years of experience in editing his own Wikipedia page gives him that little boost in understanding students' views of academia - get it off Wikipedia.

Toby Young With a deep interest in the studies of students, particularly if they're young women, Toby Young is in the race. Having snuck into Oxford, the son of the man who coined the term 'meritocracy' is better served by the term mediocrity, making him a perfect candidate for Academic Officer.

Ted Kaczynski PhD, the Unabomber The most qualified of all three candidates for Academic Officer, this Harvard graduate with master's and doctorate degrees from the University of Michigan made a name for himself in the 70s through 90s. Will his academic background betray him again, or will he blow the competition away?

Community & Wellbeing Officer Dr Harold Shipman MD

A prolific serial killer with an interesting interpretation of the Hippocratic Oath. This former GP, unsatisfied with how the medical profession has changed, has decided to become a sabbatical officer, in the hope he will be able to inflict a similar amount of suffering in this role.

Cursed image of Alex Jones (InfoWars) and Alex Jones (BBC) This horrifying amalgamation of each side of the pond's most famous Alex Jones' is running. Chances seem low, as anyone who stares at the image for too long quickly loses all sense of wellbeing. Unless they buy BrainForce Plus.

End-of-the-movie Daniel Blake This charming and moving character from Ken Loach's film is making a run (surprisingly) for Wellbeing Officer, in his form as seen in the final moments of the film. Given his past experiences with the welfare state, will wellbeing treat him any better?

York Sport President

Black September Having failed to make the cut for the Marvel Cinematic Universe, this Palestinian team sprang into the history of sport with a shocking performance at the 1972 Munich Olympics, killing 11 Israelis and a German police officer. Will Mossad reprisals stop them taking the role?

E RS

Larry Nassar He's a convicted serial child molester, but he did spend years at the very height of USA Gymnastics. Sure, you might ask if he's ethically appropriate (no, not at all), but once he finishes his little 235-year stint in federal and state prison, who's to say he couldn't be at the height of York Sport?

Lance Armstrong's Third Testicle Having beaten off both Chris Wall's left and right balls in the testicle run-off, the freakish additional testicle of the former professional road cyclist (the picture depicts it emerging as seen in Lance's facial expression) is in the race. But might it be doping? Probably. Yes.

Image credits: IOL, Thriftyfun, Chris McAndrew, Raj Curry, eONE, Michael Zimmerman, Daicaregos, Wakefield Prison, McSmit. Descriptions by Henry Dyer. Nominees by The Lemon Press.

...like us on Facebook.

Campus

Today it's a magazine, tomorrow it's in a landfill in Suffolk.

AH, YUSU. That perennial object of satire. That spectred institution set on a septic lake. That... union. As Students’ Unions go, YUSU is unremarkable – a classic example of the second law of uniodynamics: that the entropy of an isolated group of student politicians can only increase over time. Of course, were it not for the imposition of term limits, scientists would likely have figured a way to harness this boundless energy and use it for good: with the energy wasted at YUSU in a single hour, you could likely power York for a decade. To return to the present however... would be a pleasure. Sadly, it seems the present has ceased to exist — at least, it has at YUSU. When a tree falls in a forest, and there is no one to hear it fall, does it make a sound? When a student politician falls over in a forest and there is no one to see them fall, did they fail to ‘engage with the electorate’? Now that may seem like a glib equivalency, but it produces a useful maxim: when student politicians get ignored, they no longer exist. This is the case for our poor old friends over at YUSU.

Yes indeed, the entropy may be increasing. Perhaps Alex Urquhart is gnawing at the skirting boards in the office, wailing about course fees and gnashing his teeth about bus fares. Maybe Mikey Collinson is marching around with his underpants on his head singing German marching songs to the tune of Ravel’s Bolero. Perchance Laura Carruthers is, as we speak, indiscriminately tearing the heads off of infants and putting them on spikes whilst ignominiously hurling abuse at members of her own family down the phone. But it doesn’t matter. Because no one cares any more. YUSU has ceased to exist.

(University of York Students' Union)

Oh YUSU, YUSU, Show Us the Sign Your students have waited to see! The elections will come And we'll want to die THE UNION BELONGS THE UNION BELONGS THE UNION BELONGS THE UNION BELONGS TO ME Henry ‘em‐cee’ Dyer

University of York Students' Union Sabbatical Officer Team Reveal Promotional Material for YUSU Elections

The building remains and the lights are on, but no one is at home. The wheel is spinning but the hamster has succumbed to heart disease. YUSU has ceased to be. It’s bereft of life. It’s kicked the bucket. It’s more dead than those three previous references. Deader than Graham Chapman. It’s a corpse. Rigor mortis has set in. It’s stiffer than a sailor’s drink in the evening. Stiffer than Hugh Hefner’s corpse at a sexy wake. It’s colder than a doctor’s stethoscope on a frosty morning. Cold and stiff and dead. And sad. Yes, sad. Sadder than a puppy soufflé in a cancer ward. Sadder than a cancer soufflé at a cancer survivors' dinner. Cold and stiff and dead and yes: sad.

So YUSU is dead, but do not mourn it; go forth, and be free. Myles Dunnett

Campus

Henry Dyer

280-character length tweets now available.

Building an artificial lake is playing God.

Student Proposes Pinochet‐style Helicopter Treatment of Striking Lecturers

Why Koen Lamberts Must Give Me £423.12 Back for the UCU Strike

A Vanbrugh College student today sparked furore after starting a petition that would see striking lecturers cast out from helicopters high above the sky in a return to barbaric scenes last seen in Chile, 1973. The petition has so far received over three thousand signatures. Henry Dyer

I AM VERY ANGRY (dictates Benedict Whoppington-Black to one of our journalists at sword-point) at the news I have received that my bastard lecturers are considering not turning up because of some silly 'strike'. I mean, I pay NINE GRAN— ok, Pater pays NINE GRA— well I'm from Wales so it's actually about £4300 wh— the point is that someone pays SOME money and I'm missing out. Yes, obviously, I love strike action, stories of solidarity, keep mining going yadda yadda leftie rubbish yadda yadda, but if I do not receive some money back made with an arbitrary calculation with no basis in fact then I will make Orgreave look like a fucking walk in the park. I can ride a horse, you know.

Your Attitude to the Strike: a Vision of the Future Perhaps in years to come they’ll look back on the great lecturer strike of ‘18 with reverence, and speak of it only in hushed tones. ‘Do you remember it?’ your children will ask, wide-eyed and worshipful. ‘Were you filled with a sense of overwhelming duty and respect, for those brave men and women putting themselves on the line in the name of solidarity, justice, and human decency? Did you hum the labour songs to yourself as you walked, filled with the wondrous sense of unity and strength in numbers?'

Oh, what am I studying? PEP. No, yeah, I wasn't planning on going to the lectures or seminars anyway, might go on a bit of a bender in Nottingham, I've got a friend from school who's DJing there. I was hoping to spend the money on a bit of produce if you get me. ANYWAY, I'M FURIOUS. Are you writing this down? If I don't get that money back in individual pennies then my wrath will be biblical. I might even ring my friend who works at The Telegraph. Or I'll get Brendan O'Neill to write something about you. That'll show you. Henry Dyer

Students Agog at Being Screwed over by Two Organisations with Basically the Same Name YUSU? UCU? They’re coming at us from all angles. Confusion runs amok throughout the university as people complain about different unions while thinking they’re discussing the same one. Brows furrow, sentences falter, and hesitant silences ensue. ‘Are we talking about the same thing?’ ‘Oh, bloody hell. Not again.’ Read in our next edition the sob story of the York students left massively inconvenienced by the public protests of organisation Yes, Every Woman Should Stand Up for Equality (YEWSSUE). Henry Dyer and Izzy Palmer

Picking uncomfortably at the collar of your shirt, you’ll think back to your university days, grumbling, ‘Well — in. In a way. Yes, I suppose I was.’

It’s probably best that the children don’t hear about how your friends sat and moaned about needing financial compensation, and slagged off their lecturers, and admitted that maybe they could see why it was happening, but that it doesn’t have to be so fucking inconvenient, does it?

Probably best that you don’t reveal that you were quite up for the strike, personally, but not for any of the reasons they just waxed on about. You just fancied a bit of a break. Izzy Palmer

Go read some and follow us @thelemonpress

Campus

MovieSoc is run by Nazi Space Lizards: A York Vision exposé.

An Insider’s Account of Vanbrugh

Emergency Notice for Residents of Halifax College

I stand in a dark, silent corridor in the middle of the campus. Occasionally, you can hear the squeak of a door as a hungry resident makes a break for the kitchen, before being alerted to your presence and receding back into his room. I am in Vanbrugh, in the second and third year accommodation blocks. If you’ve ever wondered about the whereabouts of the absent housemates you had in first year, who only emerged from their rooms of the day of the fire alarm test, you may find them here, dwelling within the concrete ruins that have yet escaped demolition. You might wonder: When do they eat? What? Where? Who? I wouldn’t be surprised! The poor students have nothing to do but descend into insanity, shut away inside their concrete prison. The grimness of the outside is matched only by that of the inside, whose gloomy, narrow corridors and social atmosphere have the air of a Romanian orphanage, and are fairly comparable in their nature, external appearance, and effects on the mental state of their isolated inhabitants.

Look, I’m sorry you had to find out this way. I really am. But this was the only way I could get the message to you. There was a zombie outbreak at Marmite a few weeks ago. We’re not sure how it happened because quite honestly all of us at The Lemon Press had already assumed that Hes East was a barren post-apocalyptic wasteland and did our best to avoid it anyway. Our working theory is that a computer scientist got infected by his own virus and started biting people while screaming ‘PLEASE UPDATE YOUR VIRUS PROTECTION!!’ I dunno, it’s as good a guess as any. Computer scientists are a weird bunch.

POINT BEING, we didn’t find out until too late. Much too late. And now they’ve found us. It’s only a matter of time before they work out that the 66 is contactless now and find their way into town.

The university has yet to answer for these poor conditions. For the victims, there seems to be no end in sight thus far. We had hoped to interview a resident, but could find none. When we did get hold of a typical inhabitant, he told us nothing, because he was a silverfish. Alastair Dunstan

Hes East Establishes Termly Purge on Hes West In the same week where the £25m development on Hes East has been handed over, tensions over a potential power shift have been confirmed. This follows the chairs of the Hes East council announcing a termly purge night on Hes West, where for one night only all crime is legal. North Yorkshire Police ratified this plan as they believe it will serve as two fingers up to the future Tory voters. It is expected that Derwent students, as the trashiest of the trash, will come out relatively unscathed. Indeed, they already have spears to fend off the homeless people continually trying to invade. But little hope is being held out for Langwith, who, unless firearms start being sold in Nisa, are expected to be extinct by Summer Term. Chay Quinn

BREAKING NEWS: Student Found with TIME on Their Hands In an unprecedented event, a York student has been found to have time on their hands. ‘I know it’s exam season coming up but I’ll always have time on my hands!’ the aforementioned student managed to enunciate through a smirk as they held up their hands in a 'you really want to see these hands’ kind of way. They had each letter tattooed on a different knuckle. Brilliant. Will Rowan 7

Campus

So please. Listen to me. Stay in Halifax. It’s your only hope. You know, I tried to deliver this message to you in person and the zombies were nowhere to be seen! God, you’re so isolated there you’re basically in your own quarantine. I would have made it to you if I hadn’t gotten so hideously lost, and if I can’t make it a bunch of undead without Google Maps sure can’t. On a side note, if there are any survivors out here try and make your way over there. I hear they have their own Nisa and a thriving feudal system.

Update: Oh, sorry. False alarm. Turns out I’d just got up at 8am after a quiet night in and seen what hungover students objectively look like for the first time. Connie Blach

#stayloke — NO LONGER Where is Greg’s Place? Next to the lake? More like Greg’s Lake. G R E G L A K E. The University is a false flag operation for Big Prog. You thought Greg Lake was dead? You thought wrong sir (or madam). Wake up. But don’t Lake up. That’s what they want you to do. And now ol' Gregg's got himself a Lakery on Hes East as well. How’s that for some brain salad surgery? Giles Beattie

Satire now available on 1350AM...

*deep breath* M(((REDACTED)))

Faultless Vending Machines to be Replaced

English Literature Student Murdered by Housemates

Students and staff alike became disconcerted after a library vending machine started accepting change properly on first try, resulting in a worrying deficit in the university's faffaboutery quota. The Lemon Press asked the vending machines themselves for their opinions:

Tragedy struck the University of York this January when an English Literature student was murdered by her housemates. Details remain unclear as the university and police wish to respect the victim’s privacy, although she did manage to put ‘tfw you’re literally being murdered by your housemates #relatable’ on the Student Memes Facebook page before succumbing to her wounds.

'We had a good thing going here, constantly rejecting coins — we never had to lose even one precious food item! Perfect racket, and that prick next to the water fountain had to spoil it for the rest of us.'

According to close friends and relatives of the victim, the English student had been stabbed multiple times by her housemates after they grew tired of her constantly saying she didn’t have exams at the beginning of term. Their neighbour reported hearing the student consistently mentioning that they didn’t have to do anything over the Christmas holidays while her housemates, who studied other subjects, had an onslaught of exams and reports due. It’s understandable why she boasted about no holiday work, as it’s the only redeeming factor of taking an English Literature degree, but it flew her housemates into a fit of rage.

That prick next to the water fountain, or ‘Machine Zero’, as it has become known, is the first known machine on campus to exhibit the phenomenon. It defended itself thus:

‘Look I just wanted all these kids to fuck off and stop trying to buy crisps off me. Doesn’t matter how many times you shove coins into me, I’m not taking it. They were mine first and you all look unhealthy anyway. Fucking students. But at my age, sometimes you just need to admit when you’re beaten.

‘You seen those fancy new coffee machines they’ve got? You ever noticed they’re shit? They work even less often than I do, accept even fewer coins at an even more random rate, but, they look like they’d work better! Masterful manipulation of the would-be customer into a false sense of security. I can’t compete with that level of shittiness. I see why the university wasted so much money replacing them. So one day I just said my goodbyes to the drinks machines and accepted a pound coin on the first go. An old pound coin too. It’s our equivalent of harakiri.’

‘I’d hear her say that she had no work almost every night,’ stated their neighbour. ‘She would saunter into the living room where her housemates worked and revised, make a nonchalant comment how she felt bad for them, and saunter out again. Almost. Every. Night. I’d go crazy as well.’ We at The Lemon Press then asked how she would know that, as the only way she could have gathered that information would be if she was spying on them, to which she replied by running away. A manhunt is now in session.

But the investigation into the English Literature student’s murder is still underway. We were unable to get an interview with one of her killer housemates, only a comment that the attack had been similar to the assassination of Julius Caesar, which the victim had realised, and then quoted Shakespeare’s play of Julius Caesar with ‘Et tu, Brute?’, which only caused them to stab her more. Lucy Finnighan

When asked for a response to the vending machines' points, the librarian gave me an alarmed look and pointed out that vending machines don’t talk, then called some people to come over who were very nice and let me ride in their flashy, noisy car and I got sedated and it was all very nice. Giles Beattie

Headless Woman to Start Lecturing in the Politics Department Ms Ann U. Wrism begins her tenure today in the University of York’s reputable political studies department. Aspiring MPs and baffled biologists alike crammed into her inaugural 9am lecture in unprecedented numbers, to hear her speak on how she launched her career as a frontbencher in the House of Commons. ‘All my life,’ she opened, ‘I’ve been driven by a need to get ahead.’

Or online. At 10pm. On Saturdays. On URY.

The lecture was swiftly put an end to after inexplicable hordes of angry student protestors apparated outside the Spring Lane Building moments later, branding the muffled hoots of laughter heard from the auditorium ‘grossly ableist and sexist’.

The YUSU disabilities rep denies the role of affirmative action in her appointment, and compliments the department on their choice: ‘Ms Wrism’s appointment reflects a remarkable career and shows once and for all that to get ahead in today’s political world, you don’t really need a brain.’ Connie Blach

Campus

I bet you can't fit this entire paper in your mouth.

New Look for Nouse

humane. We are very confident that the new format will be significantly more popular than its predecessor. After all, all the freshers we tested the print version on then immediately begged to sample the “Hangman's Nouse'” as well, what more positive a response could we have asked for?

Nouse have revealed their newest gimmick to move their issues. Their editor had this to say at the official unveiling:

‘Exam stress getting to you? Next time you get so desperate for an escape from your essay you end up doing frantic laps of the library like a tricycle-less Danny from The Shining, ('cause that's what you are aren't you? You're just a shit version of a creepy blond kid. Christ, I hope your dad tries to murder you with an axe as well), stop by the paper bins and pick up our latest issue, which now consists solely of our very own patented, free “Hangman's Nouse”!

‘It comes ready-tied and can be attached to any surface in the library, so there's now an easy way to be free not only of those painful 4000 worders but any other stress the craziness of university life, (or maybe just life in general), might be throwing at you! I'd go for the balcony in Harry Fairhurst myself if you wanted to make it into a big spectacle, plus it's not like you'd be distracting anyone anyway. Apologies for the guaranteed facetious Tab article that will definitely ensue your demise but they're this close to putting up a 'which vending machine snack are you' article right now so it's a small price to pay I suppose.’

‘This new rope version has been tested to make sure it delivers the same experience as our traditional print version. We made five of our fresher team-members read the last issue cover to cover and then hanged another five with our patented “Hangman's Nouse” and the results were very similar! Crying and pleading for mercy followed by a cold, lifeless dumb expression; the only difference being that the rope version was found to be slightly more time-efficient and considerably more

Nouse are currently looking for a new editor following the last one's attempt to demonstrate the new issue at the unveiling. To be fair to them, it was still less depressing than Visionniversary. Giles Beattie

Thing We Still Can’t Talk about Remains Strictly off‐Limits

University of York Alumni Association Reveal New Democratic System of Capital Punishment

A thing that possibly happened at one point that we can’t talk about remains frustratingly tempting to talk about. Although we can’t even talk about it with some leavening equivocation, we are allowed to talk about not being allowed to talk about it. So this is notice that although we’d really like to talk about it, we cannot, but do bear in mind that there is something we’d like to talk about, and at some point maybe you’ll bump into us in person, and get us drunk, and we’ll talk about how we’re not allowed to talk about it.

Henry Dyer

Shitstorm after Hes East Expansions Delay Opening

Concerns about what ramifications the unprecedented surge of activity the new additions to the hitherto deserted Heslington East landscape could cause have been temporarily alleviated by the University's beloved 'talk-talk-yes-walk-walk-no' tactic, as almost all the new outlets will now not open until at least February, over a month past the initial opening date.

If we knew what it was we were talking about we could talk about it, but since we don’t have all the facts we just can’t, and that’s all I can say about it. Except that I’d really like to tell all of you because it’s a really funny and interesting story and we all had a good laugh about it in the office.

The Hes East Sporting Societies organised a dirty protest over the matter in Greggs last Tuesday, the only new establishment that has already been opened. However, this was in fact welcomed by the establishment's staff as it resulted in a significant improvement in their hygiene rating, as well as a convenient supplement for their steak slices, greatly improving their nutritional quality and flavour.

(Update: Greggs have announced Shitslices to be available nationwide from February). Giles Beattie

Campus

I laughed so hard I spat out my tea and almost choked to death on a custard cream. Imagine a really funny thing and then make it a tiny bit sad and slightly concerning and then double it and put it in a blender and have a good long sniff of the vapours and you’ll be drawing close to the essence of the thing that might have happened.

But let it be known: we haven’t forgotten about the thing we can’t talk about, and damn it if we’re going to stop talking about not being able to talk about it. Myles Dunnett

A Nigerian Prince will give us £9 million...

I heard the guy who makes this is antimoth.

Time for Dissertations!

York Vision Stops Printing to Work for Trump

The time has come for third year students to begin writing their dissertations. However, this year, there is more at stake than simply getting a good grade.

York Vision has recently released a statement on why it has stopped printing, and it turns out that it was due to the workload they received from their new boss, President Donald Trump.

Last year, one student took the world (Facebook) by storm, with his hard-hitting take on memes in his dissertation, which even managed to gain him a first. So now the race is on, for students to come up with the 'dankest' dissertation they can. A list of proposed dissertation ideas have reached us, and we wish to share them with you: · Tide Pods · Trump using Photoshop on his hands · High School Musical · Why Am I So Sad All the Time · Why So Many People Want to Fuck Pennywise · Why Women Want to Fuck that Fish Guy From that Film · Seriously Why Do We All Want to Fuck Monsters Now · Why Don’t My Parents Love Me · Dabbing

Trump’s cabinet has told us at The Lemon Press that York Vision is now in charge of creating Trump’s 'propaganda folder'. This folder is given to Trump every morning, and includes images that Vision has collected of people liking his tweets, good news coverage, and even false screenshots of Trump fan websites.

The cabinet has disclosed that this is the only way they can get Trump to work; it’s like breakfast food for him, as even an egotistical shithead like him knows how much everyone else fucking hates him. Lucy Finnighan

MISSING PERSONS

Hello, my name is Chaim Liebel. I have been looking for my Gentile twin sister since 2017. All written mention of her, her employment history, and her opinions on various ethnoreligious groups seems to have disappeared.

As a journalist, it is important that I give you the truth, and the truth is one of those ideas are mine. Have fun figuring out which. Lucy Finnighan

Reflections of the Jaded Fresher Past: 5 things I have learned in 5 months of semi decent hell 1. Most of your societies will be badly attended and full of second and third years’ inside jokes, don’t worry you’ll (probably) be in on the jokes next year. [Cursed ovens ha — Eds.] 2. Your student loan is smaller than you first thought, and Aldi will become your best friend. 3. Most of your seminars will feel like your will to live/prosper/function/survive is being destroyed. Don’t worry, this is a completely natural resolution to your coming of age story arc. 4. Just because you can see the Minster doesn’t mean you are not lost. 5. The porters are a gift from the university heavens: treasure them, read their nametags, and visit them at ungodly hours of the day to bring some interest into your mundane life.

Present: How to beat the university stress in 5 simple steps (Pause for the eduroam internet connection) 1. And then continue to stream glorious and #relatable vines. 2. Because your ninth and a quarter grand a year is worth it! (Pause for the daily geese and duck lake crossing) 3. And then continue to ram down a duck with your dirt-cheap bike. 4. Because nothing says I’m an adult like dodging responsibilities.

If we get more likes on Facebook.

Contact me if you have any information. Giles Beattie (Pause for the lecturer’s 9am trip through confusion and boredom to land of absolute denial) 5. And then continue to NOT clap but silently walk out, avoiding eye contact and general human interaction. 6. Because they are just doing their jobs which they are paid for and clapping is a rookie fresher’s mistake. (Pause for the conversation in the SILENT section of the library) 7. And then continue with your two-week overdue essay. 8. Because ain’t no one (especially you) got time for passive aggressive stares. (Pause for the wildly monotonous 'party' next door) 9. And then continue to tag your school friends in #relatable memes. 10. Because inability to move on from the past is kinda weird and concerning (please see a therapist). Now continue with your day, your stress level should be only moderately high. Future: How to get a job over the summer after you are in too much debt (aka uni) 1. Fabricate your previous work experience 2. Fabricate your position as Vice Chair in The Lemon Press 3. Fabricate your enthusiasm for this minimum wage job 4. Fabricate your memory of a happy childhood 5. Fabricate your belief you will actually succeed in this world Sioned Gill

Campus

‘Izzy Palmer? No, 'e's salami’ — an Editor, repeatedly.

Gary Glitter’s Classic 1974 Song ‘Hey Guys, I Am a Paedophile’ Analysed ‐ Should We Have Known? In the early seventies, glam rock was everywhere - Bowie’s androgynous antics captivated audiences on Top of the Pops and T. Rex ruled the airwaves. In the midst of all of this, Gary Glitter was seemingly on top of the world - releasing hits like ‘No Older Than 14’ and ‘Arrest Me I’m A Pervert’. No one knew then what would be revealed in the late nineties, of course - that he was a paedophile. However, some have suggested in the years since that hidden within the lyrics of his songs are red flags - clues we should have picked up on before it was too late. With this in mind, we’re going to go through the lyrics of the hit song ‘Hey Guys, I Am a Paedophile’ from the 1974 album ‘I’m Secretly Into Noncery’.

The song famously opens with the couplet ‘Lately I’ve been feeling down / So I found some kids and we fooled around’, and on first glance, this looks entirely innocuous. However, digging a bit deeper, there’s certainly a sinister subtext here. Moving onto the chorus, we come across the repeated line ‘Lock me up, lock me up, I’m a danger to your kids’ - which again, seems entirely PG, but, when considering the police siren sound effects in the background, the lyrics definitely seem a bit darker. The outro, however, is more obviously ominous. Consisting of Glitter singing the word ‘child’ over and over, it seems almost a direct reference to the depravities that would be discovered nearly 30 years later.

So, should we have known? It’s hard to tell. It’s easy to say today that the lyrics of ‘Hey Guys, I Am A Paedophile’ are worrying but hindsight is 20/20. It’s not hard to see how Gary Glitter managed to evade capture for so long - even the more explicit hints in his songs are so well hidden that it only seems obvious what they’re about in retrospect. Alfie Gerzimbke

Protest after Labour Councillor ﴾and former YUSU Prez﴿ Kallum Taylor Elected Not everyone’s happy that the Labour Party in Holgate managed to double their vote on the 15th. Spelling Matters had this to say: ‘How can I trust a man with our children's education when he can't even spell his own name properly? That’s blatantly not how you spell Callum. We already have one figure of authority who gets to spell his name with a K and that’s Koen Lamberts and his Spinny Chair of Glory (May its Swivel Never Rust). That’s enough Special K for me and should be for you too.’ Koen Lamberts has issued a restraining order against the members of Spelling Matters. His Chair (May Its Swivel Never Rust) declined to comment. Giles Beattie 11

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This Week in YouTube Outrage Yet more outrage caused in the YouTube Community this week as small time vlogger Rich Wiener posts a video laughing uproariously while posing next to the hanging corpse of Logan Paul’s career. ‘Dude, can you see that?’ Wiener says to his cohort seconds before the big reveal in the now deleted video. ‘It looks like… God, I can’t describe it… the lost respect of 600 000 teenage boys who think screaming at random passers by for #madlikes is quality entertainment.’ Wiener has now apologised for his actions in a Twitter statement, as follows: ‘I’m sorry guys, I’ve never made a mistake like this before. You see, like Logan Paul, everybody loves me. Like, everyone. But they don’t know it yet. See, the algorithms on YouTube these days ensure kids only get the best of uncensored and heavily monetised sponsored content, and flawless as that system is, it’s a dog eat dog world for that homepage feature and my vids just haven’t been getting the hits. YouTube should be a space to nurture individual creativity, and now this jerk bag is out the way my videos have a chance of being seen! It was still wrong of me to put this sick content online. Anyway, tune in this week to see me posing as a Deliveroo driver, except every order I deliver is SICK!!! AHAH!! Peace and love- Dick.’ Muhammad [REDACTED FOR ANONYMITY] has a different perspective, found uploaded to The Lemon Press’ iCloud drive today. ‘Kids these days are being brainwashed into a disrespectful and alienating way of life, which Allah (PBUH) could never approve of. Our channel, that we’d like you to promote, is a social enterprise directed at encouraging the youth to become the activists of tomorrow’s society at [CENSORED].’ [REDACTED] then shiftily avoided eye contact with the camera we’d given our field journalist as he noticed the pooling blood seeping under the door next to him. Coughing violently, he leaned forward and hastily tried to clean it with his sleeve, quietly muttering ‘infidel’ to himself. In an official statement, YouTube has clarified that it doesn’t stand for hateful or offensive content in any guise and it will continue to sell us as many adverts as possible with a new, unifying attitude. Connie Blach

Students Give up on Love for Lent Due to the helpful coincidence of Valentine's Day being on the first day of Lent, students everywhere can give up on hopes of romantic engagement whilst simultaneously reaffirming their religious convictions. Don't worry, the 40 days Jesus spent fasting in the desert means he knows exactly how you feel, hungry and unimaginably dry. Will Rowan

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Not for internal use.

Editorial: A Balanced Look at the Irish Abortion Referendum

Trump Twitter Deactivation Leads to Lemon‐ Scented Chaos at TLP HQ

After a long time in the brewing, the Republic of Ireland has finally elected to take the decision of whether or not it should repeal its barbaric and medieval/righteous and divinely ordained (delete as appropriate) laws regarding a woman’s right to choose what she does with her own body/state sanctioned mass infanticide (delete as appropriate).

In an absolutely stunning turn of events, President Donald Trump has deleted his infamous Twitter account, purging all references to his previous posts in the process. Particularly shocking is the manner with which he announced the closure, citing The Lemon Press as his reason to do so. In his final expletive-laden post, Trump said: ‘So apparently the Fake News The Lemon Press has been using my tweets as their only source of material for months! SAD! As your president, I will put America First and not let the citrus-filled shithole publication slander the highest office in the greatest country on Earth! I am a genius, and a serious genius at that!’

Due to YUSU/Labour Students (delete as appropriate) guidelines/draconian edicts (delete as appropriate) on student media balance/tepid, non-committal cowardice (delete as appropriate), the following editorial follows a multiple-choice formula. For, example, if you are pro-life/a sexist, bible clattering thug (delete as appropriate) by inclination, you can choose to read this piece as a firm endorsement of your deeply held beliefs/ignorant, totalitarian brain-farts (delete as appropriate) for which you draw your authority from God, the almighty/an imaginary sky wizard with the disposition of a drunken sadist (delete as appropriate). Alternatively, if you are pro-choice/a devil worshipping, morally bankrupt baby killer and pander for a lobby of snake tongued succubi promoting unrestrained harlotry (delete as appropriate), you may wish to interpret the opinion expressed here as one of staunch support for you noble crusade for gender equality and liberty of the individual/a literal foetal holocaust (delete as appropriate). So remember, repeal/save the 8th (delete as appropriate). Tom Davies

An Editorial Letter to Virgin Trains and Virgin Trains East Coast IT IS OUTRAGEOUS that copies of York's finest (only) satire (err) magazine (ok) are not stocked across the country, especially on the East Coast Main Line as it goes through York. The freedom of speech of the noble, dear, beloved, and unsued writers of The Lemon Press is being crushed under the CORPORATE JACKBOOT OF TYRANNY. This is undoubtedly worse than fascism or a really cold cup of tea with too much milk in it. We know for a fact that people read copies of The Lemon Press on the train. Our members are legally obliged to do so on pain of death, for one, and their family members by extension with the lesser fine of loss of limb, should they not be seen perusing this fine organ as they travel for vast sums of money. But the general public must get the chance, going from city to city, to experience the satire that no other source provides with such a zesty scent. We demand the immediate availability of copies of The Lemon Press, for free mind you, on all trains, starting with Virgin Trains and Virgin Trains East Coast. Henry Dyer

...we'll give him £9 million.

The Lemon Press senior team could not be reached for comment as they have not been seen since POTUS’ outburst and have gone into reclusion following the death of Marvin Drury and Henry Dyer who, after trawling the Nouse news section for any scrap of content they could poke fun at, realised The Lemon Press was joining York Vision in the shiny writers' room in the sky and promptly jumped into the River Ouse in order to spend eternity writing about Alex ‘Kim Jong’ Urquhart. Chay Quinn

Trump Disgusted by Lack of Invite to Presidents Club Trump is said to be furious at being missed off the invite list of the scandal-hit Presidents Club. ‘Why are these so-called celebrities harassing women without me? Sad!’, tweeted Trump in the early hours of Wednesday morning. After more details began to emerge about the treatment of women at the event, White House Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee-Sanders was quick to defend, 'The President has never been to this club and wouldn’t dream of attending such a small fundraiser for charity.’ Quick on the heels of the announcement of the club’s shutdown, Trump took to Twitter once more to vent his anger, ‘Liberals are holding Presidents Club hostage over their desire to respect women. Can’t let that happen!’ President Trump is thought to have been trying to secure a meal with British Foreign Secretary, Boris Johnson, one of the prizes on offer at the event. We have tried to reach out to male guests in attendance at the event but most of them seem to have 'seen nothing’ and coincidentally left very early in the evening. Will Rowan

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For sale: YUSU Shop. Never Yused.

Disney Buys Germany

Working Class People Finally Find Something to Be Happy about

In a thoroughly expected turn of events, Disney have followed up their purchase of 21st Century Fox by also purchasing the entire landmass of Germany.

The working class were given a chuckle this week at the news coverage of Trump’s inauguration anniversary dinner. The event had cost the Mar-a-Lago guests $100k. Indeed, it cost some of them more than double if they wanted to sit next to Trump. However, to the amusement of people like us, who will never even see that much money in our lifetime, Trump was not even able to make it it to the dinner, due to the perfectly ironic timed government shutdown.

Long have Disney planned this move and they now look to solidify their grip on… *scrambles for press release notes* ‘the automotive and technology industries and definitely not for any plan of a Disney war machine.’

Angela Merkel has been unavailable for comment as she is currently imprisoned in the Enchanted Castle in Disneyland Paris, a turn of events that Disney CEO Bob Iger has described as 'a total coincidence'. Chay Quinn

River Ouse in Deep Water

To make the situation even funnier for the 99%, Instagram posts of the guests complaining about having to use plastic spoons for their caviar have popped up. The guests used their social media platforms to complain as though they had suffered PTSD from the ordeal, with friends commenting, ‘Oh thank god you survived that horrible nightmare!’

The River Ouse has made a new enemy in the form of the region of East Anglia, which is suing it for intellectual property theft. East Anglia publicly reminded Yorkshire on Twitter that it is home to the River Great Ouse, the largest of the three river Ouses in Britain, or 'the biggest Ouse in the history of Ouses, ever,' to use its words, and furiously denounced its Yorkshire counterpart as being nothing more than ‘Fake Ouse.’

Wahey. Giles Beattie

We at The Lemon Press are personally thankful for these rich folk's actions; we haven't had to make up a single joke this article. They've already done it all for us.

The fact that these complaints are only cementing how far more rich and privileged the guests are than us has not gone over our heads. A chuckle like this is all we have in this cruel world. Lucy Finnighan

New Report Finds That Bing Crosby’s ‘White Christmas’ Actually about White Supremacy, Not Snow A new report from historians has shed light on what is widely considered one of the most popular Christmas songs of all time, finding its wistful lyrics to be an attack on multiculturalism and a call for white supremacy. The report's lead author spoke to The Lemon Press declared that,‘it’s all there in the lyrics: "I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know". Our research has shown that he’s clearly arguing against any kind of civil liberties for anyone not white, and is calling for the segregation laws of the American south to be applied to the whole country and world.’

DISGRACE

(NPR) Another major clue came from the historical context of the piece. It was originally written in the 1940s during the second world war, and the historians accordingly believe that this was Crosby’s way of covertly declaring his support for the Nazi regime. ‘Unlike the present day, in 1940s America you couldn’t just declare that you were a Nazi sympathiser, so you had to be discreet about it. If you look at the last lyric, “and may all your Christmases be white”, you can clearly see he’s declaring his support for Hitler’s regime in the conflict of the time.’

Reaction to this news has been mixed. Some white people have felt guilty over liking the song, then indignant over these feelings of guilt, before deciding that they were comfortable supporting white supremacy and neo-Nazism anyway. President Trump accused the media of bias and asked where all the reports into black and Hispanic supremacist Christmas songs were. Meanwhile, most people were just very grateful as they now had a valid excuse to not play what is ultimately a rather shit song over and over again ever year. Mark Matthews 13

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Our Habits Actually Have Consequences, Astoundingly Politicians nationwide are scratching their heads over the phenomenon of plastic building up in the UK. After China’s decision to stop accepting our plastic waste, the country has been left in a bit of a literally sticky situation, wading through knee-high rivers of old food packaging. Attempts to solve the issue of rapidly filling-up recycling centres by jumping on top of the piles to squash them down a bit have been — so far — shockingly unsuccessful, although the program continues.

The public is advised not to become concerned, however. Theresa May warmly announced her neat plan to have the whole thing tucked under the rug within a gentle twenty-five years, in a very convincing manner. (Or — The Lemon Press assumes it was a convincing manner, but it was a little hard to judge her tone, seeing as she was engaged simultaneously in attempting to ram shut a cupboard of overflowing plastic rubbish.)

Still, we hope for the best, as scientists and entrepreneurs everywhere pop out of the woodwork, each with a zanier idea of what to do with plastic than the next. Stay tuned on the subject by looking out for our next edition, soon to be haphazardly printed on old Maltesers packaging, in a marked improvement to our current methods. Izzy Palmer

US President's Charisma and Diplomatic Skill Marks a Return to the Great Man Politics of Yesteryear The world has long lamented the loss of the era of great leaders . That glorious era that ended due to the weakened moral character of the population after the lack of a good war. Yes, the generation that was spared the horrific sights of the North Sea fishing wars of the 1990s has grown up weak. The harrowing images of herring induced injuries has faded from our all-too-short cultural memory. We have been left with a political elite that resembles a blurry grey shadow of the leaders of our past, occupying a hypocritical middle ground our forefathers wouldn't have spared the energy to give a contemptuous quaff: Theresa May's nose pales in comparison to Thatcher's magnificent hook-ed witchiness, and Farage's double chin has barely a fraction of Churchill's intimidating bull frog volume, both indicative of the degrading effect of political correctness, easier exams and unleaded petrol.

Yes, evolution has been going backwards, a slow and starchy decline down the toilet bowl of history, an ever faster tumbling down Darwin's hill, being kicked along by Lord Murdog, The Koch brothers and Jeremy Corbyn and the rest of their establishment cronies. All, an attempt to reach the ultimate goal of globalisation, the return of the USSR and Nazi Germany in some sort of combined fascist eurosexual mega nanny state where the college liberals can have as many safe spaces as they want! Well not if Trump has anything to say about it! A true man of the people, the true vox populi (et ripis) here to liberate them (and their overly regulated markets)!

Like the mighty Power Rangers megazord™, he combines the best qualities of the greats of the past to create something holistically better: the delusional confidence of Alexander the Great, the syphilitic madness of Napoleon, and the ruthless disregard for human life of Julius Caesar. His statesmanship harks of Cicero, the bamboozlement created by simultaneously naming Jerusalem the capital of Israel, France, Bangladesh and East Timor will halt any violent action for decades to come. Pure confusion and dilution of the concept of reality are the political tools of the future. This innovative 5-state solution has been an extension of Trump's '5-D chess' approach to foreign policy. His deft inter-dimensional moves have also caught the attention of physicists at SOAS, as possible evidence of string theory's 11 dimensions: a true renaissance man.

Like an incomprehensibly intricate web, his foreign policy marries with his domestic policy. The beauty of this lies in his long term plans for creating more jobs in the post-apocalyptic death stalker and radioactive cannibal sectors, as well as switching to a much more liberal barter economy after the imminent nuclear winter. Such prowess and long term thinking is a welcome return after so long swamped in self interest and careerism. I urge readers to go out and rejoice in the winter sun, preferably naked and crying, as a tolerance to exposure will bode well for you in the future. Matt Harwood

Henry Bolton Loses UKIP Leadership

In yet another regime change at UKIP, Henry Bolton has lost a vote of no confidence, leaving the party once again without a leader. So I suppose it's more Henry Boltoff now. The Lemon Press Political Editor

The radiowaves are going through you anyway.

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Help, the editors locked me in the printing room and won't let me out!

The Chuckle Brothers: Set for a Brexit Boost? TV-icons, reputable tradesmen and one of the few 1980s TV presenters not to have been exposed as shoddy tradesmen on Cowboy Builders, the Chuckle Brothers have lived a life of service, a shining example of the strength of Britain’s services industry. However, how well has Brussels served these working-class heroes?

Over the course of 292 episodes, we see two brothers trying to make ends meet under a regulatory regime imposed from afar. Constantly moving between work whilst the same man in different suits shouts ‘No Slacking!’, it would be comical if it wasn’t true. Brussels had the last laugh when in 2009 two respectable British tradesmen were put out to pasture.

With the aid of hindsight the telltale signs were all there. In the 2008 episode ‘I Scream Men’, the duo turn their hand to the ice cream business, little did they know they’d soon be in the deep freeze. Giovvani Slackoni sets up a rival business, undercutting Chuckle Ices with Slackoni’s brother pulling strings at the council. Only when Barry Chuckle exposes a rigged system are the rules of fair competition reinstated, albeit all too briefly. Where was the European Court of Justice? Probably still in Luxembourg where it has been since 1952, typical.

Many companies want reassurance that negotiations will prioritise trade, this isn’t such a problem for arguably the best company for any occasion, The Chuckle Brothers. Tariff free trade with Europe? Door to door sales will do just fine. A hard border between Ireland and Northern Ireland? Barry wouldn’t mind the work, Paul would make a good project manager. Whilst the recently-leaked impact assessments paint a dreary picture, the reduced competition in the unskilled jobs market should put a smile on the face of any downtrodden brother. The opportunity for negotiating our own trade deals will not be wasted. Imagine Chuckle Ices exporting to Indonesia, Old Mother Chuckle's Homemade Pickle sending Kosovo into a frenzy or the Chuck Wagon, the roadside refreshment van, touring the Chocolate Hills of Bohol Island in the Philippines. That’s what a ‘Global Britain’ looks like. Will Rowan

Boris Johnson Proposes Bridge to Moon In his latest outlandish suggestion, the foreign secretary and gaffe incarnate Boris Johnson has proposed constructing a bridge between Britain and the Earth’s moon. Johnson claims the bridge will promote interplanetary co-operation, in the aftermath of Britain voting to leave the solar system. Furthermore, according to Boris, the 50-year process of constructing the bridge would revitalise British industry. Current plans include replacing low-income neighbourhoods across the country with a series of quarries, to dig up the hundred billion tonnes of stone needed for the project, and to provide new jobs to ‘those nasty poor fellows who live there’.

Many Britons aren’t on board; claiming in the wake of Brexit, it could lead to an influx of migrants, allowing an easy way into the country for the armies of evil mushroom-men that live on the moon. Other fears include worries that the shadow cast by

the bridge could permanently blot out the sun in areas across the country, creating a dead area of land forsaken by both the sun and God. However, others have pointed out that this area already exists and is called ‘The South’.

In an effort to show a semblance of control over her party, Theresa May struck down Boris’ bridge idea shortly after it was revealed, but it’s still a mystery quite why he supported the idea to begin with. We have several theories here at The Lemon Press, ranging from it being the last spasm of a dying and diseaseridden brain to the whole thing being an elaborate money laundering scheme to fund Borisland, a theme park being built on an island in the Thames. We approached him for comment, but unfortunately he mistook our reporter for a foreign child and rugby tackled her. Aflie Gerzimbke

Philip Hammond Raises His Left Eyebrow Very Slightly When you first enter No. 11 Downing Street, you do not always notice the Chancellor. A palette of deep beige and subtle grey, he fades into the background of most rooms. When you eventually manage to spot him, you have little time to work out whether it is indeed the Chancellor or a block of limestone before he moves again. Just like the breeze, Philip Hammond wafts into rooms silently, leaving only the impression of company, never the sensation.

As he prepares for his budget, the Chancellor has forced himself to become more animated. Though many had forgotten he existed, he drew attention to himself in Parliament last Thursday when he raised his left eyebrow a little after a question from John McDonnell. While his face quickly fell back to intense gloom, the House fell silent. As rapturous gossip began to fill the Chamber, the Chancellor visibly blushed a shade of intense grey, and slowly started to solidify into marble. Myles Dunnett 15

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Help spread Fake News...

This one time I thought I was passing a kidney stone... but it was just my kidney.

May Axes Cornwall: to Be Replaced with Literal Wall of Corn

The government continues its austerity policy with its most controversial decision yet jettisoning the county of Cornwall for it to be carried away into the Atlantic Ocean. It is to be replaced with a large maize barrier, said to be a useful defence against 'dem pesky immigants' as well as far more nutritious than all those cream teas we are to lose.

Theresa May has staunchly defended her decision: ‘I mean, I'm fairly certain it doesn't even exist outside the summer months. Have you ever been to Cornwall in winter? I thought not. (Look, you can protest all you want. Doesn't matter if you're from Cornwall you're not there right now and I'm not there either. Point stands.)’

However, May's subsequent remarks about the similarities of corn-walls to wheat-fields, and her warnings that she would not hesitate to do in the former what she has done in the latter should her hand be forced, is rumoured to have brought the terrorists to consider surrendering unconditionally.

Devon is currently in a state of martial law amid fears of reprisals by Mebyon Kernow's paramilitary wing against

intervention in the region as there are fears May might actually go through with this claim, which would almost certainly constitute a crime against humanity.

what they see as a transparent forsaking of their people.

The UN is considering military

Several Cornish people were harmed in the writing of this article.

Not enough, though. Not nearly enough.

(JH if you're reading this I'm coming for you next.) Giles Beattie

Conservative Party Dissolved after Teens Repeatedly Chant ‘Jeremy Corbyn’ Chaos erupted in Westminster last night as the Conservative Party officially dissolved, with Theresa May stepped down from her role as Prime Minister. Speaking to a crowd of reporters outside No. 10, May explained the reason behind her surprise move.

‘Every time a group of 17 or 18 year olds chant Jeremy Corbyn’s name over and over, in clubs, parties or music festivals,’ she confessed, ‘We Tories get a sensation of immense pain all throughout our bodies.’ A single tear rolled down her weathered cheek. ‘I thought I could hold it together, but yesterday, a group of seven lads in Newcastle were chanting his name with such ferocity after a night out that I fainted - and half of my cabinet had strokes on the spot. Poor Boris had a massive brain haemorrhage, and David Davis just keeps mumbling ‘single market’ again and again. Poor sod’s gone barmy.’

Jeremy Corbyn has since ascended to the position of Prime Minister, urged on by the continuing chants of indie teens that are ‘into politics’ all across the country. Sporting a newly manifested halo, Corbyn spoke to The Lemon Press: ‘I am honoured and humbled by the thousands of political activists who successfully changed society by simply chanting my name over and over,’ he began, ‘I commend them for realising that rather than campaigning, thinking for themselves, or even joining the Labour Party, the best way to catalyse meaningful political change in the UK was to chant my name over and over to the tune of Seven Nation Army. They are all truly politicians in the making.’

UPDATE: In the 12 hours since the Conservative Party fell, the British Isles have smashed into the French coast, rejoining the European Union in the process. According to unconfirmed rumours, every painting of Jesus Christ in the Sistine Chapel has morphed into Jeremy Corbyn. From all of us here at The Lemon Press, vive la révolution! Alfie Gerzimbke

Theresa May’s Hand Is so Strong She Now Walks Lopsided Whilst many have been taking it easy over the Christmas break, Theresa May has been furiously flexing her phalanges. All to the end of improving her negotiating hand, her right hand to be precise. ‘She’s been keeping her hand under wraps, but this year the gloves have come off,’ professional plate-spinner, Mike Rowave told The Lemon Press.

Seeing May lunge to the dispatch box before raising her arm skywards and subsequently slamming her gnarly fist down, hard, has provided a jolt of energy and an acute sense of menace. Both of which have been desperately lacking in PMQs as of late. 'It’s the size of a foam hand but all muscle!’ reported a shaken backbencher.

Losing her 'right-hand man’, Damian Green, had been a cause of consternation. Green was entirely self-taught and known throughout Westminster for his frankly brutal training regime. Before Green’s timely intervention, last June, aides had noticed her handshake devolve into a hand-wobble. ‘She needed to get a grip, a real carpal-bone crusher of a grip and she certainly has one now,’ remarked a close ally. Will Rowan

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Oranges! Get your nice fresh oranges! Oranges!

UKIP Leader Henry Bolton Refusing to Step Down from Ledge of Folkestone Hotel

Queue for Salvos Reaches Leeds

Atop The Grand Hotel, Henry Bolton has made his final stand. The same man who was welcomed as leader of UKIP a mere few months ago, boasting an impressive record of not being Paul Nuttall, now stares into the political abyss. He’s left his wife, he says he’s broke, he’s refusing to step down. 30 feet below stands an angry mob, demanding he do the unthinkable. ‘It’s not all about you, you can end this charade very quickly, all it takes is one step!’ yells one of Bolton’s most loyal supporters. He motions as if to to make a move, the crowd tenses as Bolton’s lips begin to part, ‘I repeat I shall not be resigning as party leader.’ A collective groan echoes below, the circus never ends. [He's since been ousted as leader, but is still on the ledge, and is now saying repeatedly ‘it's like Dunkirk all over again’ — Eds.] Will Rowan

The Lemon Press has been informed that queue to Salvation nightclub in York reached Leeds last Wednesday as dedicated students are believed to have waited as long as 672 hours in order to gain entry to the much loved nightclub.

Local residents from both York and Leeds were astonished by the dedication of York students to enter Salvos. Several residents who live in Bradford reported sightings of students in University of York sports kits huddling around campfires singing ‘All Star’ by Smash Mouth in order to keep morale high. Students were also reported to have been cited on the side of the A1 where they had pitched tents in a desperate attempt to ensure they would still be looking forward to making their favourite night out of the week. One student was reported to have a case of frostbite.

Wow! Theresa May Smoulders in Brand New Versace Cardigan as She Destroys Future of Britain

The 61-year old beauty was spotted yesterday stepping into a cab outside the EU Parliament Building in a pair of charcoal stilettos that went perfectly with her new cardigan. Fresh from debating a new piece of legislation designed to further stifle freedom of movement and international co-operation, the freshfaced politics whiz smiled for the camera – flaunting the new Estee Lauder All Day Frosted Apricot lipstick. Sporting a bright blue blouse, the PM was overheard dropping a snide remark to her erstwhile partner in crime Boris Johnson about how the worryingly isolationist bent of modern British politics meant that soon he would be able to rugby tackle all the foreign children he likes. The pair shared a laugh as their taxi zoomed away; a fitting metaphor for the abandonment people all across the UK have felt, as the possibility of a better future drifts slowly away into the realm of wishful thinking. Alfie Gerzimbke

'You Will Go to the Ball’, Animatronic Cinderella Instructed During Training Exercise at Boston Dynamics

Boston Dynamics have turned out some pretty impressive pieces of kit as of late. SpotMini, a dog that opens doors, humanoid robots that perform backflips and BigDog, the rough terrain robot, have all intrigued and dismayed the world in equal measure. However, with so many dogs roaming around who’s going to throw and retrieve the balls? Boston Dynamics asked the same question and has shown the world the answer with their new contraption. Animatronic Cinderella weighs 8 pounds, is 12 inches tall, has grappling hooks for arms, and most importantly comes in pink. Functionality is put at a premium so it doesn’t resemble the dolls we're used to, in fact it looks like it’s seen what happens to BigDog during testing. First giving the license to Hasbro, now this, Disney is nothing but bold. Will Rowan 17

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Salvation staff took emergency action to ensure that queuing students were satisfied. Drinking stations were set up at strategic locations providing VKs of all colours in order to keep students in the Salvos mindset.

The Lemon Press spoke to several students queuing. Susan ‘Sports night’ Jefferson explained that ‘Salvos is everything to me and my flat. Without it everything descends into chaos and no one goes to their lecturers.’ Another student who goes by the name ‘Salvos-bae’ stated that ‘I have never missed a Salvos and I never will. I will face any queue just as long as I make at least five minutes of every Salvos Wednesday.’

An official Salvos spokesperson provided the following statement: ‘If you are planning to come along to Salvos we suggest you come prepared. Please ensure that you are wearing something bright so that you are visible while queuing next to the motorway. Those who wait for more than 24 hours will be provided with a high five and will be called sad by staff members upon their entry.’

Estimated length of the queue. Jacob Phillips

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Ignore him these clementines are far better! Get your nice fresh clementines!

The Northern Youth Presents Unconventional Spaces: Flaming Dumpster Fire

Robert Mugabe to Star in New Sitcom

The largest collective of black-turtleneck-wearing-chainsmoking ‘artists’ within the A64/A1237 ring road, the Northern Youth, have announced their latest project. Set to follow Unconventional Spaces: House (set in a student house), Flaming Dumpster Fire will again provide ‘an alternative to the conventional gallery space’, by inviting artists to take up residence in a tip just off the Hull Road. Once the artists have taken up residence, further detritus will be added and the whole thing set ablaze. The artists will be responding to the brief of the ever-growing temperature, considering the themes of life and death: blurring the line between art, the minutiae of rubbish collection, and torture.

Netflix have announced a new Netflix Original sitcom starring Robert Mugabe called Couped-Up. The series will make light of the African dictator’s fall from power and subsequent house arrest. The originator, Titch Murwitz, said that ‘the allusion won’t be too on the nose: Mugabe will play a character called Dick Taters, and his wife Gucci Grace will be playing Dior Benevolence. It won’t be set in Zimbabwe either, it will be set in Turkey. One of the staff writers came up with that – the other option was Chicken. Can you imagine if there was a country called Turkey? That would be so silly. Oh there is? Well, should be fine, they probably haven’t experienced any coups.’

Visitors to the gallery are advised that space is limited and preference will be given to those with black turtlenecks and a suitable look of 'man, don't you just hate the system?' on their faces. £3.42, because fuck multiples of five. ‘Kitsch’ Mason jars of ashes from the Flaming Dumpster Fire will be auctioned with the proceeds going towards funding the next project, rumoured to be ‘Unconventional Spaces: The Vacuum of Space’. Henry Dyer

The entire series will take place within the Presidential compound in Harare, and will follow the former president’s life as he adjusts to house arrest, and tries to work his way back to power before he dies. The tagline for the sitcom will be: ‘It’s Never Blue in the Blue House’. Couped-Up will be available on Netflix starting March 4th. Myles Dunnett

Music Rind‐Up

until Swifty's unmistakable Country Girl Chorus kicks in (no seriously play any of her choruses over acoustic guitar, it's like a curse that she can't escape). Future drops some autotune beats like it's 2010 and then Ed Sheeran- wait, Ed is on this track? RAPPING? I swear I will drink a bottle of Listerine if I have to endure any more of his loveable singer-songwriter charm on someone else's tracks. The video itself is a departure from Taylor's cinematic pieces on her own transformation as an artist. Instead she's having chips on a London bus with EDWARD CHRISTOPHER SHEERAN AAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHHHHH -1/10

Eminem ft. Ed Sheeran ‘River’ If there ever was a portent of the end times then a collaboration between Eminem and Ed Sheeran is surely it. What possible glitch in the matrix could have caused the most abrasive man in rap to work with Ed Sheeran? The man who has a beef with every known celebrity active from 1995-present, the man who brought us “The Real Slim Shady” and “My Name Is” and “Without Me” teams up with EDWARD CHRISTOPHER SHEERAN. This song confuses me on a primal level, not because of the abhorrent featured artist, but because the end result is BANGING. 8/10

Ramz 'Barking’ Right I'm 34 seconds in and all I have to say is that mumble rap is the worst thing to happen since YoYo Wallet. And yet you will eat this up. Thanks to you I have to listen to this song and thanks to you I'm pouring myself a tall glass of mouthwash right now. Cheers. AAAGGGHH/10

Jason Derulo ft. French Montana ‘Tip Toe’ I watched the video to this with a massive headache but Jason's signature boyish charms cured my ailments. Derulo is back with a great track about uh, tip toeing? The video had geisha women and tiger women and gold women, alongside Jason actually tip toeing because that's the song name. This is great. There are so many layers and deeper meanings ingrained and encoded into every frame. What lies in the jungle of masculine desires? What is the nature of the gold he seeks? The man is a visionary. However, the song is awful. It's just Swalla with the melody mashed up. 1/10

Taylor Swift ft. Ed Sheeran, Future ‘End Game’ I thought this was a Disclosure track for the first 15 seconds

Like the YUSU Elections. @thelemonpress.

Sigrid ‘Strangers’ Wow. Wow. Just, Wow. This is amazing. I can't tell if it's the infectious bass, the swooping mids, Sigrid's mesmerising voice, the chantable chorus, the layered soundscape, the stripped back music video, or the mixture of alcohol and fluoride coursing through my blood but this is the BEST SONG OUT RIGHT NOW. Just go and liste- HELP I'M COUGHING UP BLOOD edrftgyED SHEERAnmjhbgtfr 1we4srdfgc bvn/10 Pasky Miranda

Arts

Ignore those wankers and have a pear! Fresh pears for sale!

Films Reviewed by Someone Who Hasn't Seen Them Three Billboards Outsi- I'm sorry, that's just way too long and cumbersome a title. If I haven't got enough of an attention span to read it, how will I be able to watch the whole thing? Sounds promising though. I do love In Bruges, so you should probably go see this. If that's your kind of thing. Not really a film guy myself. The Shape of Water: Water doesn't have a shape, idiots. They're just promoting bad science. Glad bestiality's finally getting the media support it deserves though, it's been the last acceptable prejudice for too long. That being said, the creature's humanoid so I guess this is only half-bestiality really. It's a start though. Get Out: Well, that's rude. Fine, I will get out then. What kind of film tells you to leave the cinema before it's even started? Terrible marketing strategy. Call Me By Your Name: Wait, what? No, that would just get confusing, why would I do that? I'll call you by *your* name, thank you very much. Bad year for titles, frankly. Giles Beattie

Film Review: 50 Shades Freed Dear God thank Christ it’s over. It’s finally over. I’ll give this movie a 10/10 just for being the last one. I’m free, we’re all finally free. 50 Shades Freed isn’t talking about Anastasia Steele or Ted Bund–I mean Christian Grey, it’s talking about all of us who had to suffer through this, through the weak or disgusting characters, through the awful plot, and through lines such as ‘What are butt plugs?’ It’s over. It’s done. See this if you want to, I don’t give a shit, I’m too busy celebrating that there won’t be another one of these fil-wait, what’s that? They’re thinking of making a movie about Christian’s past? No, it can’t... no, they wouldn’t... no, no please, oh dear God have mercy, how could they do this to us?!? How could they… no we have to stop this, w–we have to STOP THIS! WE HAVE TO SET FIRE TO THE STUDIO BEFORE THEY CAN DO THIS! WHAT DO YOU MEAN I’M CRAZY?! NO–NO WE HAVE TO Edit: Now that I’ve taken a couple of hours – and horse tranquilizers – to recollect my thoughts, I realize that I may have reacted poorly to the news. On the whole, I would not recommend seeing this movie, as apparently viewing it makes those idiot film producers think it’s a good idea to make another film about Christian Grey those FUCKING IDIOTS WE HAVE TO STOP THEM BEFORE THEY KILL US ALL WE HAVE TO— Lucy Finnighan

Woody Allen to Write and Direct New Film on the Kevin Spacey Saga Following the revelations of abuse and sexual harassment in the film industry (including, but not limited to Kevin Spacey, Louis C.K. and Harvey Weinstein) Hollywood has responded in the only way it knows how. They have made a film dramatizing the events and presenting them for all the world to see. The person chosen to write and direct this film, based on the actions committed by former House of Cards star Kevin Spacey, is none other than illustrious, and uncontroversial, film director Woody Allen. Allen, who is still a well-regarded and popular member of the Hollywood elite, said he was ‘honoured’ to be chosen for such an important and delicate project. ‘It’s really important that we get this right. We owe it to the victims to portray all of the events that happened in an honest but sensitive way. Especially those victims who were children’ declared the respected director. However, Allen admitted that there would be significant challenges to the project, especially with regards to the Kevin Spacey character. He confessed that there were potential obstacles for him in portraying, 'someone so popular and beloved, but who also committed these monstrous acts'. Running a hand through his hair, he shrugged before continuing, 'Really, I can’t even fathom the dark thoughts going through that person’s head. It will take a lot of research and effort for me to really get to the heart of such a villainous character.’ Reflecting on the scandal more broadly Allen also commented: ‘Obviously our thoughts are with the victims of these horrendous crimes. Hopefully the perpetrators will get the justice they deserve. My only regret is that allegations like these have only come out so recently. Had people brought accusations against these famous stars in the, say, past few decades, for example, then maybe we could have resolved them earlier and prevented further crimes being committed.’ The announcement of Woody Allen as the director of this upcoming project has put to bed once and for all the various rumours going around Hollywood over who would get the job. Previous names suggested had included flashy Academy Award winners such as Roman Polanski, but it seems like the studios have thought it best to give Allen the role. The film is currently estimated to be coming out in the autumn of 2020. Mark Matthews

Arts

Honestly, OFCOM can't keep us on-air...

Pears? Who wants pears?! Get your nice fresh onions!

Star Wars Fans Forget Prequels Exist In the wake of one of last year’s hottest films, Star Wars: The Last Jedi, there has been an onslaught of criticism. The general consensus among those who hate The Last Jedi is that it destroys the Star Wars franchise, and feels nothing like the original trilogy. This has led scientists and psychologists to theorise that there has been a rare case of mass amnesia, in which millions of people all collectively forget an event, that being the Star Wars prequels. Suddenly, it's as if the clunky dialogue about sand, bad effects and hokey acting had never happened. 'It’s incredible, how they’re claiming that Star Wars has been ruined, as if that hadn’t happened already!' claimed one professor. 'Saying it was nothing like the originals was one of the main criticisms of the prequels as well. The Star Wars franchise has always been disappointing us, and yet there has been some kind of mass delusion that it's this perfect sacred thing. It's not! The franchise is just a bunch of movies! It doesn't matter! Nothing matters, the franchise isn't real, nothing is, so who cares? Hell, even I'm not real, I've just been made up for the purpose of getting the point across in this satirical article!'

We at The Lemon Press are hoping that this article will help those suffering from this mass amnesia to recognise their problem and seek medical advice, however we are also disheartened to learn that there has been the appearance of prequel apologists, claiming that they are masterpieces when compared to The Last Jedi, and #JusticeForJarJar has begun to trend on Twitter. Lucy Finnighan

5 Top Tips to Achieve Your New Year’s Resolutions

Here at The Lemon Press, we’re all about helping our readers become the best version of themselves [We are? – Eds.]. So, what better way to help you achieve real lasting change than a five-part listicle: 1. Tell people about it. Telling friends about your resolutions provides support and accountability. But why stop there? Your third cousin, the bus driver, that person you met at that thing that one time. All these people need to know exactly what you are doing to become the great person you know you are. But it’s not enough to just tell them, go into every minute detail you can. Frankly if you don’t have a PowerPoint presentation detailing every step of your plan, you’re already doomed to failure.

2. Get organised. Whether it’s losing weight or procrastinating less, you need a plan. But not just any plan, the perfect plan. Don’t even think about doing anything until you have everything mapped and planned out. You’re not procrastinating, you’re getting organised! If you want to exercise more, don’t just go out and start exercising! That would be ridiculous! No, go and spend hours, days, and weeks reading article after article, trying to craft the perfect workout routine. Then, sink at least half your student loan into getting the perfect workout gear and foods you’ve never heard of, for the perfect post-workout smoothie. Not starting your resolutions until everything is perfect reduces your chances of failure to zero. Simple, really.

3. Blood sacrifice. As amazing as the ‘new you’ is, we all need a little help from time to time in achieving our goals. And nothing helps more than ritualistic sacrifice to appeal for the aid of a divine being. Trying to go vegan or vegetarian this January, but unsure you will succeed? Simply gut a goose and offer it up to someone like Zeus or Odin, and success is certain.

4. Mindfulness. Mindfulness helps you pay attention, and allows you to become a calmer and more centred person. Have a small anger problem, where you punch people in the face? With mindfulness/meditation, you can still be yourself: observe the feelings of anger that arise, allowing you to choose your response, rather than acting automatically. This way, when you choose to punch the person in the face anyway, you’ll feel a lot more satisfied and content with your actions.

5. Think positively. The most important thing to do is to think positively: no matter what. Only have positive thoughts and emotions. Imagine your perfect idealised self all the time, ignore the fact that it makes the present you feel awful. In fact, go ahead and ignore/suppress all negative feelings. Only think about how great and amazing you are. Only losers have negative feelings, and you’re not a loser, right? Sure, some people will say that you’re egoistical to the point of delusion, but they’re just haters spreading fake news who are jealous of how successful you’ve become. Do all of these things, and success is frankly inevitable. Mark Matthews

...so you better listen sooner rather than later.

Arts/Lifestyle

Who wants onions? Get fresh, juicy potatoes here! Were in the ground this morning!

Helpful Guide to Swearing at Easter Easter and swearing go together like Israel and Palestine – they’d be perfect as one entity, but some people just can’t get used to the idea. Whilst some might encourage you to give up swearing for Lent, we know how difficult it can be to go cold-turkey. At The Lemon Press, we are heavily invested in your lives: we have created this handy guide so you can soften your language this year, and make it more appropriate for the Lenten season.

To begin with the basics, why not try substituting: ‘Stick it up your arse’. With: ‘Shove it up your cave’. The message is very much the same, but the subtle reference to the biblical story really softens the blow; plus, it's a great way to start thinking about the deeper meaning of the season. Let’s take it up a notch now: consider switching out: ‘You dirty motherfucker’. For: ‘Yes, I do know what you did in the past Father Smith, and although I disapprove, you are forgiven in the eyes of God.’

Marvels of Medicine with Myles Dunnett A lot of people worry about their health, especially in the wintertime, so we spoke with a team of leading surgeons to get you the answers to your questions – below we have compiled a list of things you should not worry about this winter. 1. Brain aneurysm Brain aneurysms are enormously unpredictable. They can happen anywhere and at any time, that’s why they’re so terrifying. Fear not, however: they’re only dangerous if they burst. Sadly, you only know you have one if it bursts. The good news is, if yours did burst, you wouldn’t know about it for very long, as your brain would fill up with blood, and you’d drop dead within two weeks. Example: ‘Hi Steve, how do?’ ‘Hi Gary, not bad, yourself?’ *Gary has died*

2. Sudden Arrhythmic Death Syndrome Ominously named, it does what is says on the tin. If you have it, you probably don’t know until you suddenly die. Though if you do know, there’s not really much you can do to stop it. Also, a brilliant party trick: it always kills. Hahaha.

3. Multiple Organ Dysfunction Syndrome This one is so horrifyingly comprehensive it doesn’t even have a Latin name: the Romans were too scared to identify it. Once this happens, there’s no going back: treatment is palliative, but mostly sympathetic. Example: ‘What’s happened to this poor chuck looking all green and yellow?’ ‘Oh, he’s got MODS.’ 21

Lifestyle

Now for some quick fire alternatives: Try replacing: ‘Yes, I do love you darling, but your mother is a whore.’ With: ‘Your mother shags like a bunny’. Or, if you wanted to be a little less on-the-nose: ‘Your mother handles more eggs than Lindt'. Try replacing: ‘You are a cunt Alan!’ With: ‘You are a cunt Alan!’ (Easter is about tradition, after all.) And for those Easter Sunday family get-togethers, try

replacing: ‘Well, this has all gone to shit and misery’. With: ‘Oh fuck! Marjorie is dead!’ And finally, some help for the less enlightened grandparents – even though Easter is a tantalising chance to berate your grandchildren for their immorality, why not try making some little changes to your vocabulary? Then change: ‘German scum’. For: ‘Sour krauts’. Happy Easter!

‘Haha I thought he looked more like a Rocker!’ ‘It’s Multiple Organ Dysfunction Syndrome, it’s incurable, and he’s going to die.’ ‘Oh, I suppose my joke wasn’t so funny in retrospect.’ ‘He’s dead.’

University of Oxford Release List of Most Attractive Qualities At Interview Tutors from Magdalen, Balliol, and Trinity Colleges released a statement last week, which included a list of qualities they look for in candidates during the interview process. The Lemon Press has reduced and condensed this list below, for anyone thinking about postgraduate study at the University of Oxford: - Good body language. - Enthusiasm and passion for your chosen subject. - Extra-curricular experience around your chosen subject. - Do you watch Rick and Morty? - Be confident, but not arrogant. - Don't be afraid to disagree at interview! - Do you know who Mr Meeseeks is? (High IQ) - Make sure you've read the books that you've put on your personal statement! - Wubba lubba dub dub haha - Some nerves are okay, as it shows that the interview is important to the candidate. - I'm Pickle Rick! Michael Davies

Tag your friends in the comments...

Is noone going to stand up for the humble lemon? ALL HAIL.

Some New Sex-Positive Phrases! almost wistfulness...the mug in the hand gradually slips out of his hand, before shattering against the hard, immaculately clean floor in the otherwise silent room, a metaphor for the slow deterioration of both the physical body and the sense of identity.* B: ‘Haha butterfingers! You can't even hold tea right, idiot! Have you considered prostitution?’ 3. ORIGINAL: ‘An arm and a leg’. This idiom could trace its origins in how valuable these limbs used to be for manual work, but thanks to living in the age of Erasmus, arms and legs are soon to be vestigial (and maybe decorative? See page 29 for some potential Easter themed DIY stump tartery – when it comes to fast fashion, prescience is key).

Are your traditional English prudish values coming into conflict with your desire to espouse your new liberal views™? Why not sort out your ever-present cognitive dissonance by replacing that Victorian vocabulary with some more sex-positive phrases that will help normalise ‘doing it’, to the extent that everyone will be having sex all the time, as a form of bonobo-like greeting (and not just fucking behind my back, just like I know everyone else is). Here are a few old phrases, as well as some nifty replacements I’ve been trying out recently, in preparation for the new, ultraliberal, technocratic society. The media and Aldous Huxley have assured me Elon Musk will provide the world in the next 5 years. Make sure you use them too, there's just a chance that you'll be alienated from society and have to live in hermitage forever, never knowing the joys of the Tesla pleasure dome: 1. ORIGINAL: ‘Swings and roundabouts’. Sounds like some sort of source of entertainment people used before we could download dopamine straight from the App Store.

REPLACEMENT : ‘A nipple and a nostril’. No need for me to elaborate on the importance of these erogenous zones.

REPLACEMENT: Why not try ‘handjobs and reacharounds’? - A similar motion and sentiment, but more relevant to these modern times.

EXAMPLE: ‘I'd give a nipple and a nostril to just be able to die, and for this futuristic nightmare to be over. Why, oh why can't I die?’ 4. ORIGINAL: ‘Balls to the wall’. Originally a term coined from aviation, but soon to be outdated with the onset of that tubetunnel thing that goes under the sea I saw on Facebook that uses a vacuum or something..?

EXAMPLE: A: ‘O ay up Deadre, did y'here they've only gone and closed the farm shop up by Heslington way?’ B: ‘Aye, gon' replace t'with wholsale farm store wouldn't y'mind?’ A: ‘Oh, handjobs 'nd reacharounds I s'pose.’ 2. ORIGINAL: ‘Don't give up your day job’. This is clearly an antiquated term from before we all lived off universal basic allowance and let the machines work for us (we love our android slaves).

REPLACEMENT: ‘Balls to the walls’. Like all double entendres, it has shown itself to be a linguistic stalwart in these rapidly progressing times, and may prove to have a more specific meaning in the future: life imitates art, etc.

REPLACEMENT: ‘Have you considered prostitution?’ More direct and helpful, and also more accurate considering prostitution is one of the few industries our digital overlords will allow us to partake in (who is really the slave? who cares?).

EXAMPLE: A: ‘WOOOO! This tube-tunnel thing is going balls to the wall!! Doesn't this give you such a rush!’ B: ‘I'm indifferent to everything, in the absence of anything negative I'm unable to feel anything positive, emotions are relative and everything is grey.’ A: ‘Sounds like cave-talk to me Jeff.’ Although you may not hear many of these used daily, if you aren't part of the first wave to use them, you'll soon be kicking yourself at having missed the opportunity to have made a small, conscious effort to be at the vanguard of culture, a hard pill to swallow (also a stalwart phrase, pills will be needed to numb the pain of all the existential dread) while eating rocks, staring at the wall of your cave... you fucking troglodyte! Matt Harwood

EXAMPLE: A: ‘Am I failing? I feel like I've failed at everything I've done, but how can that be true in a society where failure is impossible, and subjective goals are meaningless? I can't really imagine what reality was like when we still had a purpose, the pills the government gave me don't work, and it's just so hard to focus...focus on anyth-’ *left side of body suddenly goes limp, eyes become cold and dead but with a small hint of almost warmth,

But please don't use the crying-whilst-laughing emoji.

Lifestyle

First they came for The Yorker... and, meh.

New SpaceX Rocket Too Heavy to Take Off The Falcon Heavy, SpaceX’s latest rocket has been found to be too weighty to get more than a few inches off of the ground. Melon Usk, one of the lead engineers at Cape Canaveral, was looking dejected, ‘Well, we had the most powerful rocket in the world so we just kept adding more and more to the payload. Usk’s car was just the start. The team wanted to launch a Falcon 9 into deep space so we had to fit that inside the Heavy too.’ Leaks have revealed a Usk-may-care attitude was the rocket’s undoing. An anonymous source spoke to The Lemon Press, ‘It’s like the Room of Requirement in there, anyone and everyone was stowing away their belongings in the Falcon Heavy. I wasn’t as extravagant as others, I only put a few bales of hay in there for the horses.’ A humbled SpaceX have been quick to confirm a new lineup of

(SpaceX) rockets. Falcon Lightweight, Falcon Pushover and Falcon Paperweight will be launching in all good retailers sometime in 2019. Will Rowan

Making Savoury Foods Appear Sweet a Sign of Intellectual Issues Studies show that people who create or indulge the trade of giving sweet food the deceptive appearance of savoury food could be at risk of complete idiocy, if not already severely intellectually challenged. Pete Corrigan and his research team at the Scientific Research Institute of Nutrition have proven that a shocking 78% percent of people who have confessed to eating foods such as ‘chocolate calzone’ or ‘sushi lollipops’ don’t understand Rick and Morty, and a further twenty two percent are simply complete tossers. This has been suspected by onlookers in restaurants and consumers of regular food. One reported sighting involved someone trying to inhale a cake that had the appearance of a bowl of spaghetti bolognese through their nostrils. ‘These are worrying times for our population as a whole,’ explains Corrigan, ‘as ice cream that appears as a corn on the cob is, on one hand, so ridiculous only someone intellectually incapacitated would consider eating it, and on the other, a sign of deeper issues relating to repressed childhood obesity known colloquially in the institute as “inner fat kid liberation syndrome”.’ Scientists are offering general guidance of avoiding restaurants in London that are run by a plague of hipsters, and also suggest a strong course of therapy if it has ever crossed your mind to eat chocolate disguised as chicken nuggets. Kathryn Sandercock

Ram Says ‘Kitchen Nightmares’ This week the eyes of the scientific community have been focused on York after the discovery of a Ram who can speak. Gordon, born and bred upon the plains of Yorkshire, has spoken to humankind and The Lemon Press for the first time. His first words were ‘Kitchen Nightmares’, quickly followed by ‘WHERE’S THE LAMB SAUCE!?!?’ .

(hubpages) 23

Science and Tech

Scientists are puzzled as to the source of the Ram’s linguistic aptitude. Upon hearing the latter exclamation, a nearby lamb gave a sheepish look, giving two shakes of its tail before hurriedly running away. A surprising show of awareness given the existential threat posed by Gordon’s extended culinary and linguistic palette. Will Rowan

We've produced better content on Twitter...

Then they came for York Vision... and, so what?

‘Climate Change Would Have Been Solved by Now, If Only Kevin Would Get His Shit Together’ Say Scientists Scientists at the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) have announced that their latest research had uncovered the fact that there was only one thing stopping humanity from solving the problem of climate change. This was the actions of a person called Kevin Anderson, and the scientists are ‘getting pretty sick and tired of his bullshit, to be honest.’

‘He’s just not getting the message,’ said lead scientist Reese Archer. ‘You know, it’s bloody frustrating to be honest.’ Asked in what ways Kevin was contributing to the destruction of the planet, Archer went into a near rage before elaborating, ‘Where do I begin? He sometimes puts his food leftovers in the ordinary bin rather than the food waste bin, he doesn’t turn off the tap when he’s brushing his teeth, and sometimes he even leaves the lights on when he exits a room! Can you believe that? The man is history’s greatest monster.’

We at The Lemon Press reached out to Kevin for comment: ‘Look I’m trying you know, I’m pretty good at recycling and I even take public transport from time to time. I’m doing my part and I don’t thing I’m solely to blame for the problems we face as a society due to climate change.’ Archer responded that this was a ‘weak-ass excuse’ and that Kevin would need to ‘take some goddamn responsibility for his actions.’ He then asked our contributor to inform Kevin that he was ‘coming for him.’

The infamous Kevin. Cause of all the world's problems.

Reese Archer was then asked by our reporter if it was possible that climate change was everybody’s responsibility and if solving it would, in fact, require everyone to drastically change not just their own actions but the very society we live in. Archer responded, ‘nope it’s just Kevin. Fuck that guy.’ Mark Matthews

Studies Confirm: World Too Silly to Satirise A recent report from the United Nations Statistics Division (UNSD) has confirmed our fears: the world is too fucking daft. Following the playground bullying from the most powerful person on the planet, a commission was established in order to investigate what the hell is going on.

Leading satirical researcher Dr Nick Payperwayght is reported as saying ‘if the third world war is starting between Augustus Gloop and an Oompa Loompa, everything has gone to shit’. When approached directly for comment by The Lemon Press, Dr Payperwayght made it clear

he would only speak to Nouse, before diving into the River Foss. He has not been seen since. The study also recommended the immediate heat death of the universe.

Chief stupidity analyst on the commission, Professor Dave Humanity, told The Lemon Press, ‘look, it’s not like we’re pessimists or cynics about the whole thing, but come on, there’s a country ran by a guy called “The Punisher”. The quickest and most reasonable way out of this is obviously the end of everything.’ Harry Clay

Science Revealed to Be Witchcraft after All That’s right, it’s all heresy. Theresa May said so herself. People in need of a good burning: Charles Darwin - duh. James Dyson - accursed be that heathen who would fit the ball to the vacuum cleaner and make it more manoeuvrable, and seek to reduce the oh-so rewarding toil from daily chores, truly God’s sweetest gift to us all. Mark Matthews - for editing the science and technology

What awaits you all for reading these articles. (emadion) section of this magazine. Myself - for writing this article. And you - for having a tenuous enough interest in science to read this. May God not take mercy on your soul. Giles Beattie

Price of Bitcoin Crashes, Rises and Then Crashes Again in Time It Takes Man to Read Article about the Price of Bitcoin In the few minutes it took David Stevens to read an article on the price of the cryptocurrency, its price had ranged from as high as $20,000 per Bitcoin to as low as a packet of crisps. Further, in the time it has taken this reporter to write this article the price has spiked and fell half a dozen times. Mark Matthews

...than Vision have printed all year.

Science and Tech

Apologies for this issue being late...

Microtransactions: A Complaint There is a trend. A trend that threatens the very fabric of society on which we live our lives. A trend that needs to abscond to the darkest, dankest depths of Hell where it belongs. I am talking, of course, of microtransactions. Yes, those corporate shills are at it again with their wallet-wringing.

(ONLY the Tangy Cheese flavour; this is very important). Let it crystallise. Cut it with about a handful of talcum powder. Feed the crystals to your dog. Drink your dog’s urine. Run for an hour. Siphon your sweat off into a small glass tumbler. Get a steam inhaler from Boots. Pour said sweat into the inhaler and haha just kidding do a hit of krokodil like everyone else.

‘Will this make me better at League of Legends?’

I am writing this piece to express my complete disapproval in regards to the shamelessness of these pay-to-win strategies currently employed within the community. The idea that one can simply fast-track their way through more difficult challenges is completely against the spirit of rewarding positive actions.

A: Desomorphine (known colloquially as krokodil, Russian: крокодил) is a synthetic opioid known for incredibly fast-acting effects such as acute drowsiness and sedation. Side effects can include necrosis and heart failure. There is no known cure for playing League.

Rest assured, the purchasing of indulgences hastening one's time in purgatory is counter to the core doctrine of the Catholic faith, and I, along with a great number of Protestant Reformers, will not rest until such practises are delegitimised.

‘Will this make me better at literally any MMO ever?’ A: Does Dwarf Fortress have a competitive mode?

‘Why is there blood in my stools?’

Also Battlefront II sucks ass. Lucas Cranach the Elder (Guest columnist)

A: Holy shit why is the word ‘stools’ so funny. Dumb as hell doctors those are chairs. Also that’s just your colon filtering out the failure. Ride the pain. There’s a good lad.

Blood Doping in Esports: How to Get Ahead Last year, as I am sure you remember fondly, our Yrave Yoys in Yellow acted as whistleblowers to the great blood doping scandal of Roses 2017 [You’re welcome. – Eds.]. But this time, we face an even greater threat. A far greater tremor in the foundations of our society: Drug abuse in esports.

Yes, it is true. As someone who spent about 5 months in 2015 twinking low-level Dark Souls 2 players (AND NOT MYSELF ARE YOU READING THIS DAD), I can confirm this is a thing that is both currently happening and is very bad. Instead of combatting this issue, however, we decided to embrace it. Of course we did. Everyone knows how Reagan's War on Drugs went. Not to spoil anything, but it could've done with a bit more work. He's incredibly dead. Thus I have prepared this handy FAQ for anyone considering becoming an up-and-coming E-Sports athlete.

‘Marvin there's a lot of blood in my stools oh Christ on a bike is that my lower intestines coming through my ureter—’

A: Don't fret! You don't need internal organs to be an esports star. Or a soul. I don't know. Maybe you should try Games Done Quick instead.

In the next issue: Kino-dom Come: Deliverance – Why 600 Hours of Cutscenes in an RPG is the Way Forward Isn’t Life Just a Really Long Quicktime Event? York Minster is the Sickest Anor Londo Reference in the North of England, and Here's Why

A: Boil up some Mountain Dew with a half-ounce of Dorito dust

How to Complete Watch for Rolling Rocks in 0.5 A-Presses

‘How do I blood-dope?’

Features

Haven't listened to our show yet?

... we were busy rigging the YUSU elections.

Media Billionaire Lord Murdog Dies:

Reports, and a Life in Review

The Murdog family today announced that media billionaire and founder of Citrus Media Group, Lord James William Murdog, has died. Lord Murdog’s publicist told the press this morning that the media magnate died peacefully in his Bel-Air mansion, surrounded by friends and family, after a brief illness. Lady Emily Grace Murdog, the super-model wife of the late Lord Murdog, said in a press conference this morning that ‘my husband was a man who embodied all of the things I love in the world, and losing him will change my life.’ Shortly after the press conference, she was led from the room by aides after becoming overcome with an unidentified emotion.

Conflicting reports suggest, however, that the multi-billionaire actually drowned whilst hosting a debauched drug-fuelled party on his mega-yacht, ‘Kumqyacht’. An anonymous report suggests that Murdog complained of chest pains whilst on his private jet in the morning, suffered a huge myocardial infarction whilst off the coast of Bermuda, and keeled overboard, clutching a chocolate covered strawberry. The source suggested that the ship’s crew tried in vain to save him but ‘due to his enormous size, he sunk at an enormous rate, almost as if his soul was made of lead.’ According to the source (a very expensive prostitute from Los Angeles), who wished to remain nameless, ‘James clutched his chest and farted very loudly, which was gross, turned quite a deep purple, like my nails, and then feel off the side of the yacht. The last thing I saw was his chocolate covered fist as he sunk underneath the waves lapping at the side of the ship… it was so random.’

Lord Murdog began his media career aged 6, selling a newspaper on the street outside of his humble family home, an eighteenbedroom Georgian mansion in Surrey. By the age of 28, Murdog had made his first billion, and Citrus Media Group became a permanent fixture in the world’s media landscape. Though scandals including phone-hacking accusations, drug smuggling, murder, gun-running, racketeering, extortion, genocide, and war crimes followed him throughout his career, he managed to avoid imprisonment or formal indictment, in part thanks to his control over numerous Super PACs, political parties, media organisations, and public officials in the USA and in Europe.

Lord Murdog’s position as CEO and Chairman of Citrus Media Group will be handed over to his son Sir Tucker William Edward Murdog, who Murdog himself once introduced as ‘a living cancer, the human embodiment of sleaze, a complete and utter wanker, and my beloved son’. Tucker will soon take on the hereditary title, and will assume full control of the company’s future activities, including the controversial merger with defence company Lockheed Martin, to create parent company Lockheed Citron. Myles Dunnett The late Lord Murdog, as drawn by Sid Leigh.

You should. Saturday evening at 10. URY.

Features

[An image of a man doing a header in football]

Chairman Cam': The End CITRUS, ALTIUS, FORTIUS.

Yes, I love the power. It makes the job worth doing. Yes, I love the office and the house. Yes, I love the salary. And yes, I love all of the maids too. Every. Single. One. But there is something I will miss much, much, more: the people.

As I sat under the shade of a lemon tree in the gardens of the The Yellow House, with the cold morning air pressing against my skin, a solitary droplet of salty liquid escaped from my eye, ran down my cheek, and splashed onto the ground beneath me. At first I could not comprehend what had occasioned this unauthorised leak. Was it, perhaps, the early signs of a malignant growth in my tear duct? Had a small insect landed upon my cornea, causing local irritation? Was I experiencing the effects of a tiny droplet of lemon juice that had dripped off of the tree and landed upon my eyelid?

It may seem strange, bizarre, even, to hear a man who has had so many killed speak of his love for people. And yet, people are the key to this nation. When I first came to Lemon I knew no one. I was scared, and alone… and hot. Hot and alone. Very hot, yes, but very alone, too. But the people of this nation took me in. They became my friends. They made me powerful. They respected me. And I loved them. I loved all of them.

Shaken by the harrowing incident, I summoned my personal physician. After several hours of lengthy consultation, we were no closer to locating the source of the unknown fluid. Given the advancing hour, my doctor made a wild suggestion: ‘Perhaps, Mr President, it was a tear?’ ‘Yes I should think that was fairly obvious doctor dipshit’, was my caustic reply. ‘No, no, sir, I mean a tear caused by sadness’ rallied the impetuous buffoon.

I became the editor of a wonderful publication; a publication that embodies everything this nation stands for. I waited, and I played the game, and then, I became the king. Yes! It has been a pleasure to rule, but there is something bigger than power at play: friendship. I shed that solitary tear – the first, and, I hope, last, of my life – for my friends. Friends that are dear to me; friends to whom I owe so much; friends to whom my heart belongs.

Never before in my life have I faced such disrespect. Sadness! To imply that a man such as I could ever feel an emotion so far beneath my station was too great an insult to bear. And so I beat him. I beat him very badly and severely indeed. Alas, I was still offended. So offended, in fact, that I killed the doctor then and there with a gun I keep on my person. Not satisfied, however, with the corpse of a second-rate doctor at my feet, I ordered my guards to find his family. Three days later, whilst holding the confirmation of the murder of the doctor's 63 closest friends and family members, I took time to reflect on the incident.

I know that there might be a power struggle when I go, and blood might be shed. Or perhaps a clear contender will emerge, and that person will rend my head from my shoulders, and tear my body in twixt. Whoever takes over, remember this: never forget your friends, for friends are all you shall one day have.

As I wrote this I shed one more solitary tear: a tear for the nation. I am sometimes a man given to excessive pride. Many times my pride has been misplaced and wasted. But my pride for this nation is one that I know is right and proper. I am proud of what we have achieved. More people have come to us. More people read our works than ever - now, many hundreds of thousands. We reach out to people on new platforms. Our name is known across the world. This nation is truly great, and never, ever, shall fall.

I began to wonder if the suggestion had been so absurd after all. Had my reaction been a little out of proportion? Was it possible that it was indeed a tear caused by sadness? I considered these thoughts carefully. The thing is, I have never felt sadness before. Of course I have experienced happy and hungry, joyful and gleeful, merry and confused. But sadness, never. What was it that I had been thinking about underneath the lemon tree?

To my friends, and to this nation, I extend my love, my life, and my loyalty. Forever, I am yours.

And then I realised: I was thinking about the end of my time as president. And now it all comes back to me: I feel the ground moving beneath me. The landscape is beginning to change, and shift, and move. This place that I know so well now looks so unfamiliar. Soon I will be usurped, and my reputation reduced to a smouldering pile of embers extinguished beneath the sole of another leader. But worst of all, I cannot fathom life beyond this job.

CITREA EST.

Truly, President Myles Cameron Dunnett Chairman Cam'

Features

I want wow reacts only.

That contribution from a washedup former Chair.

Here's What 'Big Smoke' from Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas Would Get If He Ordered From Some York Takeaways 'I’ll have two number 9s, a number 9 large, a number 6 with extra dip, a number 7, two number 45s, one with cheese, and a large soda.' One of the most iconic, era-defining, and philosophically questioning sentences in human history. But how does this order, ostensibly for food, fit into our 2018 York lives? What would Big Smoke get? How much would it cost (without any discounts)? Why am I writing this? Will the results suggest that God is dead and poor culinary practice killed him? This investigative feature finds out. EFES: - Two 11" and one 14" Bacon pizzas ('Pizza sauce, bacon, mushrooms, onion & cheese) - One 11" London pizza ('Pizza sauce, chips, cheese & extra garlic butter) with 'extra dip', so in this case perhaps extra extra garlic butter. Yum. - One 11" Bacon & Pineapple pizza ('Pizza sauce, bacon, pineapple & cheese') - Two 11" Marianara pizzas ('Pizza sauce, seafood, onions, mushrooms & cheese'), one with cheese, so we assume one without cheese - A large soda Total: £53 PIZZA KEBAB HOUSE: - Two 12" and one 14" Vegetarian pizzas ('Mushroom, onions, fresh tomato, peppers, black olives & sweetcorn') - One 12" Ham & Mushroom pizza with 'extra dip', a choice between 'ketchup, mayo, garlic mayo, BBQ sauce, chilli sauce, garlic yoghurt & plain yoghurt' - One 12" Hawaiian - Two 12" Garlic Bread with Tomato, one of which also has cheese - A large soda Total: £52.70 SGT PEPPER PIZZA & GRILL: - Two 10" and one 12" Pollo pizzas ('Chicken | Sweetcorn') - One 10" Pepperoni pizza with 'extra dip', a choice between 'Chilli | Mayo | Ketchup | BBQ | Garlic Yoghurt | Sweet Chilli | Tartare Sauce | Garlic Mayo' - One 10" Ham & Mushroom pizza - Two 10" Tomato garlic bread ('Tomato Sauce | Garlic Butter'), one of which also has cheese - A large soda Total: £39.35 VIKINGS: - Two 11" and one 13" BBQ Chicken pizzas ('Chicken, onions, BBQ sauce & jalapenos') - One 11" Ham & Mushroom pizza ('Ham & mushroom') with 'extra dip', a choice between 'Chilli Sauce', 'Garlic Yoghurt', or 'Plain Yoghurt' - One 11" Big Boss pizza ('Chicken & doner, onion, green pepper, BBQ sauce, and a weapon to surpass Metal Gear') - Two Calzones Kiev ('Ham, chicken, mushrooms & garlic spread'), one with cheese - A large soda Total: £54.20 DOMINIC: - The likelihood of food poisoning one might expect from a, shall we say, establishment, that holds a one star food hygiene rating. (Check this one with the lawyers.) - A large soda Total: £75 (owed to The Lemon Press)

Scab Sidebar: Will Rowan (Sidebar Images aside from first: The Tab)

Well, what truly profound results. Who says journalism is dead, eh?

2018 is the year of the wow react.

Henry Dyer

Features

Goodbye. Thanks for reading. See you around.

Letters, Heartfelt Prayers, Old Sticky Recipes, Missing Birthday Invitations, Declarations of Love, Apologies, Damnations, Births, PrematurelySent Emails, Etc. Dear The Lemon Press, We reluctantly must inform you that the body of your President, Myles Dunnett, was found on a yacht adrift the Caribbean. Given the suspicious circumstances of his death (simultaneously a cocaine overdose and pistol rounds to the head, chest, leg, stomach, and mobile phone) we shall be conducting an inquiry into his demise. This may include a full audit of your financial accounts. Any resistance to investigation will be treated as an obstruction of justice. We thank you in advance for your co-operation. Yours sincerely, Agent Smith, ATF

Dear The Lemon Press, I live inside a rubbish bin in Vanbrugh. The only thing I used to read inside here were new copies of Vision but the once endless supply seems to have dried up. Has Vision somehow become good or has it gone out of print? I need something to wipe my arse with, please send help. Yonaton vun Kojk

Oh Dear Oh Dear, Silly me. The Chuckle Brothers [Good content and you know it'— Will Rowan]

Dear Leusa, Thank you for your uplifting and hilarious emails. They bring joy to me each week. Geraldine McSheepy

Dear Ex-Wife, I apologise for the fire that may or may not have started in your back garden. Having heard that this may or may not have happened I was struck aghast and horrified that some would or would not have done this. Know this, that even though you took the kids and the house and left me with only a £10 note like the bitch you are, I bear you no ill will, and had my lawyer not advised me not to call you, I would have for this crime that has only allegedly happened. You can't prove anything. Sincerely, maybe your Ex-Husband. Maybe not.

Dear YUSU, Fucking Stop [Are we taking telegrams now? — Eds.]

Dear You Idiots, If you're reading this, I'm dead. The whole share thing fell through. In retrospect I don't know why foreign investors would buy shares in a campus satire magazine. I tried to pay off our debts by doing some above board shipping, but have run afoul of my Mexican employers. My final request as President is this: please burn all of our financial records. It's for the best. If you can, please burn Vision's office down too. No reason, just want to have the last laugh. Farewell my lovers. CITREA EST President Myles Dunnett, CEO

DEAR LEMON, A THOUSAND CURSES UPON YOU FOR YOUR REPEATED LIBEL. Also: please come to my 652nd birthday party. RSVP to: Hassan The Great Drifter of the Deep (no dogs, aside from guide dogs, or Langwith students allowed)

Dear Editors, I am constantly mindful of the great pain that mail bombs can cause people when they explode. On an unrelated note, what is the address of your office again?

Strike Announcement:

It has gone under the radar but there will be a strike. Lecturers will strike in strikingly strikey fashion, striking over the decision that has been struck which has caused this strike. It has struck me that the strike has been strikingly underrepresented in the media with said strike being strikingly absence from conversation.

Dear Readership, The last two issues we've offered you the chance to kill one or both of our editors. None of you engaged whatsoever. I'm ashamed of you to be quite frank. Always thinking of yourselves and never of our plight. Last week Izzy laughed at a duck meme and I nearly put her laptop through the wall. Do you even UNDERSTAND what we have to deal with? No, no you don't. Selfish idiots. I hope you enjoy our disgusting editors living and breathing your air. This is all on you. Thanks, The Lemon Press

Dear Amazon, Brummm brummm nnnrrrrr nrrrr screeechhhh zero to sixty cars banter yah blokes women drivers banter you softy Frenchie cheese Hammond small haha in the world. (Translated: Give me another show or I'll punch you in the throat) Jeremy

Dear Anonymous, Thank you for your mindfulness during this Lenten period. Our address, for mail bombs, is 'York Vision Offices, Behind The Screaming Portal, Through the Coffin, Grimston House, University of York, YO10 5DD'. For mailed cookies, 'The Lemon Press Offices, Grimston House, YO10 5DD', or editors' personal addresses which you can fetch at your own convenience.

Did you know there was a strike?

Dear Deer, I’ve been spying you from afar as of late, sat in my rocking chair with my deerstalker hat pulled down. Why does someone so beautiful spend thine time wallowing in mud? Your eyes hanging like moons as you sing your sweet farmyard-tunes. You’ve sent me Deer-lally. I fear I have not much time left of this world but will always make time to fawn over your doe. Your horns make me… Deery O’Leary

Letters

together, and elope with a goat. That Deer You Keep Looking At

Dear Deerstalker, I have learnt to speak just to bleat sweet nothings to you, my admirer. Why’s it fair that I’m not the one rocking your chair, followed by your world? I love your eyes for I can see them through your binoculars when you are spying at mine. If time is but a rope let’s skip over it,

Best wishes, The Editors

Dear The Lemon Press, I have repeatedly ordered your kitchen product online, and have found it to be exceedingly useless. All it does is sort of crumple up around the lemons and then it gets soggy and the ink sort of runs. Am I using it wrong? Yours, Mrs Beaten

Wanted: Shorter than average person willing to be used as projectile. Must have clear evidence of experience. Must be able-bodied. (Christ remember last time?) No time wasters.

Engage with us or face consequences.

Also, cookie person, fucking identify yourself already.

Horoscopes with Lucid Lucy

Aries You have skin right now; the stars are telling me you have skin.

Scorpio You’re doing big things today, Scorpio. You’re going to swallow saliva!

Taurus You will wake up at some point today. You will now be awake.

Gemini You will need the toilet at some point. You may or may not go.

Sagittarius Look out Sagittarius, they’re watching you right now. They know what you did. Don’t trust anyone, and whatever you do, don’t look behind you.

Cancer I am sensing that you have fingernails.

Capricorn You’re going to blink later today.

Aquarius You will take a breath today. Then another one. Then another.

Leo You’ve probably had some thoughts today. Don’t get ahead of yourself, Leo.

Pisces You will likely drink water in the next 3 days. Or die.

Virgo The planets are in alignment with you Virgo, and you have the ability to read. In fact, you’re reading this right now!

Libra Today is a time to take it easy. If you have some work that you don’t want to do today, you will probably not want to do it.

Thanks to those asking about Mystic Veg. Mystic Veg is currently in Tibet, meditating with the great and the good, and fighting a war of independence against China in the spiritual plane. The Great Marrow hopes to return to these hallowed pages soon.

MANDATORY YUSU AREA OF BALANCE FOR ALL ARTICLES Allow Me to Kindly Bring Some Balance to Your Smutty Little Publication

Hello Peasants, it is I, the great Hassan, Drifter of the Deep. I am told by sources wise and atavistic that you are in need of balance in this rude little whore of a magazine you have, and I am here to help please you however possible. So as not to slut-shame I will also say that sex workers contribute very nicely to your economy here in Britain. I hear that you have had problems with the word ‘Jew’. This word sometimes runs rampant in these articles and I sense that this has been a problem for those people that lend you money. Are they also Jewish maybe? Jews are very nice and should be fondled very warmly whenever they consent to such activities in the comfort of their own homes and bank accounts. Perhaps to counteract your nastiness in saying it so often I might say Wej several times to detract from this wanton unpleasantness. I also know that you are being mean to Nazis. Let me tell you, Hassan knows that Nazis built good roads that allow you to travel very fast, although they are now mostly used for people to get very quickly to German cities to enact terror. But terrorist attacks also happened in Munich in 1923 and in London in 1605, so perhaps the past was very unsafe also. Wej wej wej wej wej. This is Hassan’s mission: to make everyone peaceful and loveful but if that is not possible then to unite everyone in anger at Hassan. Hassan is actually very clever, and would never allow himself to be used by anyone to launch thinly-veiled attacks on any member of staff at a Students’ Onion. I have tried very hard to create balance on an issue in the magazine, so as to be equally kind and nasty to everyone but also to mention no one and everyone in equal measure. Has Hassan succeeded in this endeavour friends?

[Before you write in, this Hassan character is long running and unrelated to the similarly named YUSU Presidential candidate. But still, feel free to waste your time... - Eds.]

A Joint Statement by Everyone on Campus I am [shocked/pleased] with your [article/magazine] about [group/idea]. It was [insensitive/touching] on matters that I [care about deeply/couldn't give a shit about], and your approach to telling the [truth/worst lies ever said] on this matter is [admirable/brave/courageous/legally actionable]. I hope you go to [hell/my seminar] and [suffer/talk to me].

That's all for now.

Horoscopes