The Lemon Press – Issue 6 by The Lemon Press

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from the editors You hold in your clammy hands and stare lustily at with your dilated pupils one of the most exciting, informative, and downright acceptable pieces of campus media since someone at The Yorkling purchased an inkjet printer. The sixth issue of The Lemon Press comes at a time of tough decisions, negative economic growth and mass unemployment. But we’re all in this together, so put up and shut up. Ed Miliband is doing that perfectly well if you need any pointers (see page 10 for more). So too are we; the flimsy pages of this Murdoch mouthpiece are full of ready praise for the cuts that most European leaders damned at Davos. There’s also a nice recipe for sponge cake and a reminder that you should only have one child. Some of our more observant readers, particularly those in our stalker fanbase, may notice that we’ve followed Labour’s lead and reshuffled our personnel; we now have a very capable new Work and Pensions Editor. Unlike the Labour Party, however, we aren’t in the pockets of the unions. Except YUSU. Which reminds us – a big thank you for continuing to ensure we have even the tiniest scrap of uncluttered, accessible office space. Further thanks to YUM for deigning to entertain the idea of permitting us membership of their sacred committee, and lastly to our writers, editors, designers and members, without whom we would just be a couple of pasty, middle-class white boiz with pudding on our minds and toothpaste round our mouths. Do dip in to the rest of the magazine.

CONTENTS

CAMPUS POLITICS LIFESTYLE FILM MUSIC SCI/TECH ARTS

4-9 10-15 16-19 20-21 22-23 25-26 27-28

The Team

Dominic Mantle Jamie Gallimore Edward Francis Craig Dobson Rachael Healy Charles Deane Andy Brown Sam Partridge Tom Keefe Nicholas Saul David Spriggs Tom Taylor Sairah Rehman Jonathan Cridford Alex Allison

Arthur Pitt Dave Walker Ryan Fitzgerald Cieran Douglass Huw Randall-Smith

Jamie and Dominic

Want To Get Involved?!

Well we’d love to have you! Anyone who wants to write, draw, create, design, dissolve, usurp etc can get involved! In fact, it’s largely encouraged. Just drop Arthur an email at chair@thelemonpress.co.uk and he can give you all the information you need on our strange and misshaped organ...

Co-Editor Co-Editor Deputy Editor Deputy Editor, Music Editor Politics Editor Deputy Politics Lifestyle Editor Deputy Lifestyle, Cartoonist Science and Technology Editor Film Editor Deputy Film Deputy Music Arts Editor Deputy Arts Serial Contributor Chair Treasurer Secretary Design Advertising

Imitating some of its classier peers, TLP tries to fit in a page 3 section. Submissions to: treasurer@thelemonpress.co.uk All uncited images property of The Lemon Press or stolen legally from Wikimedia. All other things, text, layouts, wit (or lack thereof) ©The Lemon Press 2011

Congratulations to the winner of last month’s crossword competition! Although suspiciously close friends with the setter of the crossword, you still managed to win your free copy of Nouse! You can get more drivel at www.thelemonpress.co.uk

Kittens confirmed non-machine washable in $2.2b study.

CAMPUS

HISTORY STUDENTS’ OUTRAGE AS CONTACT TIME IS CONSUMED BY IDIOMS Fees going towards needlessly ornate lectures

Bookish and typically hardworking History students are ‘most displeased’ at the level of tuition experienced at the University of York, citing ‘unnecessarily florid language’ as the root cause of discontent. One History and Politics student noted the frequency at which the phrase ‘as it were’ appeared in his notes, and, on drawing up a tally, found that the idiom was uttered a staggering 178 times in one lecture. Another History reader purportedly

counted a further 126 ‘if you like’s. One anonymous student recorded a lecture by the offending professor, who will remain unnamed, and can be heard on the video, whispering: “Twenty minutes, and he still hasn’t finished telling us his name yet; he’s segued off into a monologue about how much he loves the ecclesiastical chronicles of Orderic Vitalis.” Professor Harold Lees-Duckley, an English language lecturer specialising in

verbose phraseology of the 21st century, labelled the kind of language used “Iniquitous, incongruous and ultimately ineffective.” In a three hour long statement that included a time-consuming anecdote about 1534’s First Act of Supremacy, head of department Bill Sheils eventually said that he would look into the issue. Craig Dobson

Student ATTACKED near The Lemon Press Office Last week, a first year linguistics student was struck about the head as she walked through campus at night. Chair of The Lemon Press Arthur Pitt recalled: "It was approaching our deadline and we were talking about how we didn't have any news to report on, but we still needed to fill a gap on the bottom left corner of page four. Then, about a minute later, this poor girl was senselessly punched to the ground by an unidentified attacker, just yards outside our office."

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Despite getting a description of the assailant, police have not yet apprehended a suspect. Mr Pitt had this to add: "I would just like to say that a lot of people are about 5'11 with dark hair. You can't go around arresting people on the back of something like that." David Spriggs

A CrimeWatch reenactment of the night. But seriously, this is the closest a girl has ever come to our office.

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Snog, Marry, Avoid confirmed non-watchable in $10 study.

NEWS IN BRIEF - CAMPUS Nature of FragSoc still not known by majority Research conducted by The Lemon Press has revealed that most students at York, while having heard of it, are nevertheless unclear as to what type of society FragSoc is. Speculation about its focus ranged from “French rag dolls” to “fragments of very old historical writing”, though most of the suggestions would appear too ‘niche’, given that all potential societies have to demonstrate a reasonably wide appeal in order to be ratified. Another controversial possibility is that the society exists solely for the purposes of the YUSU charity arm RAG (Raising and Giving) and constitutes a shadow body. Do you know what FragSoc is? If you can help, contact editor@thelemonpress. co.uk

End of Revolution declared As Vodka: Revs prepares to re-open after its renovation, the club’s manager has revealed that the revolution is finally over. “The revolution was necessary to overthrow the fascist dictatorship that used to run this club,” the manager commented. “But now that we have achieved this goal we need to look to the future. We want to become a stable democratic club that experiences free trade with clubs all over York.” The club, which will re-open as The People’s Democratic Republic of Vodka (TPDRV), is being watched eagerly by the more advanced, Western clubs of York. Salvation’s leadership has cautiously embraced TPDRV, promising to remove tariffs if it continues to hold free elections.

“The suggestion that the miraculous reintroduction of these majestic prehistoric creatures has anything to do with sabbatical officers’ failure to fulfil their election promises is, frankly, disgraceful,” the spokesperson told The Lemon Press. “Oh look, there’s one soaring gracefully overhead, only occasionally swooping to pick someone off.” Last week’s bizarre yet philanthropic announcement has been greeted with some scepticism, with critics of student politics at York noting with interest the no-show of big-name musical acts at campus events and the lack of either a fruit ‘n’ veg stall or a swimming pool.

Street uni boss admits ‘Yeah, students are getting pwned’ A Vice-Chancellor at York who claims to be “tight” with students has conceded that they are paying over the odds for their degrees. Talking to a Lemon Press reporter disguised as a fellow gang overlord, the VC laughed: “They’re, like, getting blapsed. In the face. I’m not surprised that window got merked.” The reputedly power-mad top boss and GTA fanboy added: “Nick Clegg is such a LAD for lying like that!” and described the impending rise in tuition fees as “sweet, even H”. With regards to students at York get-

ting value for money, the VC, seemingly letting his guard down, joked: “If I was a humanities student, man I would be cussing, calling everybody bagheads, whiteys and rasclarts. But we’re getting a fly new library soon so they can’t realistically be hating about that.”

Only one home left, say leading letting agents There remains only home left for students to rent, The Lemon Press can reveal today. The home, which displays evidence of dry and wet rot, is situated in Acomb, a mere hour’s walk from the university, and is in an area widely renowned for its alarmingly high crime figures and its increasing number of unemployed and often raucous badgers. Prices for the home start at £99 per person per week, with the deposit weighing in at £400. “It’s good to see all the intelligent students have already got their houses sorted out for next year,” a leading letting agent has told The Lemon Press, “but everyone else is up shit creek without a paddle, to be honest.”

YUSU: ‘Pterodactyls no gimmick’ A YUSU spokesperson has denied that the organisation’s promise of free pterodactyls for all is simply a means of diverting attention from policy embarrassments.

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York’s only remaining student house, Acomb Green 05

Polygamists ‘outraged’ by Facebook discrimination.

MuggleSoc Initation “Toughest Ever” Muggle Soc has come under fire yet again this year for the harshness of their annual initiation, known to its members as the “Ordeal of the Phoenix”, usually followed by a “Deathly Hangover”. Over one hundred Freshers were reported to have taken part in the bizarre ritual that left many vomiting and bewildered. The Lemon Press had the privilege to interview a few of them, and felt sullied as a result. “It was horrible,” reported one wild-eyed witness, “and I went to a private school, so I know what I'm talking about. To begin with, we had to solemnly swear we were up to no good, then we were locked in a room for 4 hours with a barrel full of Bertie Bott's every-flavour beans to eat. And I mean, every flavour. I got lucky – my worst was earwax. But some poor Hufflepuff had to eat one tasting of his parents' disappointment. That stung. “After that, the second- and third-years (“Prefects”, in the gang parlance) came running back in with foaming tankards of Butterbeer. And I know that sounds like a fun description in the books, but the only way to achieve it is baking soda, Anchor Unsalted and Wifebeater. Yeah, we downed them. Gryffindor 'til I die.

art of Legilimency (sorry, mind-reading; ‘going native’ is an ever-present risk to the investigative journalist), nothing more was extractable from the filthy blood-traitor. So I left him in a convenient gutter, and moved on to the next stooge, a bossy Mudblood with buck teeth whose Chamber of Secrets I had absolutely no intention of making a joke out of. Damn. “I think it's absolutely despicable that this sort of thing goes on,” she said earnestly, “and I intend to write a comment piece for Nouse forthwith! It's not just the heavy drinking, curiously homoerotic overtones, bad language, and significant risk of death I object to so much; it's the way it has endangered our academic careers at the university.” She added, “I suppose you might say, we could have been killed – or worse, expelled.” A spokesman for YorkSport said “You think you're so fucking clever, don't you? Twat.” Tom Keefe

Goblet of Fire: Like Ring of Fire, but much more badass.

“Things got a little hazy beyond that point – I think my, ah, memory must have been modified. I vaguely remember something about “Every time you destroy a Horcrux, do a shot!” and something involving bleeding dragons. Oh yeah, they made us drink Half-Blood Pints. Then they got the all-male Quidditch team together and made them strip off, hold each other's wands and promise to love each other forever. That bit didn't really fit with the rest of the night - I'm not sure what it was about, to be honest.” Despite your reporter's skill in the dark

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‘My wife’s face is made of tarmac’, more on p.52.

NEWS IN BRIEF - UK Cavity searches for all air passengers who wouldn’t hurt a fly Blatantly harmless travellers passing through airport security are to be singled out for humiliating and degrading bodily interference after the UK terror alert level was raised to ‘Seriously, just let us get away with anything’. Civil liberties groups thought about objecting to the plans, but were placated when it was pointed out that “this recently bereaved charity worker might have a firearm inside her.” Travellers of a nervous disposition are advised to wear their best underwear on the day of their flight should they wish to make a good impression.

“Is that a gun in your pocket or...”

be released under the name ‘Jaff-all’, and is expected to go down well with markets including dieters, women, overweight children, snacking men and the mindless, sheep-like masses in general. CEO Martin Cosgrove confessed: “We decided to just have done with it and remove the biscuit altogether. Thankfully most people are too stupid to either notice or complain.”

Victory for liberalism as TV watershed brought forward to 3pm Following a ruling by the independent communications regulator Ofcom, the time from which public service broadcasters can show basically whatever they want has been brought forward to the middle of the afternoon. The move comes in the wake of a sudden lapse of moral standards. It is hoped that the much earlier watershed will result in the breakdown of the notion of decency, and that children returning home from school to watch cartoons will be catered for with a selection of shockingly explicit ‘educational’ programmes. Dan Desmond, the President of the Bring Porn to Our Front Rooms Association, said: “Why is everyone so prudish about a lot of graphic sex constantly on our screens? Sex exists, get over it. They’ll be saying that Mary Whitehouse will be turning in her grave, but if she is, it will probably be to oblige that Dutch necrophiliac who takes corpses from behind on primetime.”

greater numbers of people being knocked down by road traffic, a Coalition Minister said this would be outweighed by “real, measurable fiscal savings.”

Contraceptives added to water supply Following a highly successful period of public consultation, the first batch of contraceptive drugs has been added to drinking water in the UK. The move has been hailed as a victory for family planning and a significant step in the much needed modernisation and regulation of human sexual behaviour. Speaking to The Lemon Press, a spokesman for the Ministry of Health said: “This very much puts the onus to act on the minority of the population who do not wish to take contraceptive precautions. They are of course free to opt out of the scheme – but the lifestyle choices of the few should not and, from today, will not curtail the freedoms of the many.” In a further effort to combat nuisance fertility and institutionalise casual sex, the Government is expected to announce the introduction of free vasectomies for white trash toddlers next week.

Pavements to be privatised The Government is set to implement plans

Leading biscuit manufacturer to that could conceivably result in pedestrians being charged for their use of municitrial empty packaging The maker of one of the UK’s best-loved biscuit products is set to release a new line - plastic containers with absolutely nothing inside them. Depending on their popularity, the biscuits, or lack thereof, from the company behind Jaffa Cakes could be rolled out nationwide. The product will

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pal pavements. The Ideologically Driven Act provides for a shift towards corporate ownership of previously public curbs and paving slabs, which the Conservatives have said will lift some of the pressure off local government budgets during the period of cuts. Though the changes may come with the downside of considerably

STDs sweep through York’s sport societies; satirical magazine writers remain unaffected

YorkiLeaks The Lemon Press has obtained the complete details of every York University e-mail account from a confidential source. In part 1 of 13,000 of our in-depth look at these emails, we will be focussing on York Sport President, Sam Asfahani. We have agreed to redact the names of others, as well as those parts that we are not allowed to publish due to basic standards of human decency.

To: -----------From: Sam Asfahani Subject: Plans for tonight Hi, I thought that maybe tonight we could get together. I hope I’m not being too forward when I say ----------------------------------------- with a pineapple. Then we’ll --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- unless the police show up in which case we can just ------------------------------------------- and the toy from a McDonald’s happy meal. See you soon, Sam

To: -------------From: Sam Asfahani Subject: Last Night Wow! What a night! My understanding of the laws of physics is a little shaky now that I have seen so many things fit into one tiny little --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------. But I suppose that’s to be expected of Mexicans. And -------------------------------------------------------------------------- all over Manchester United goalkeeper Edwin Van Der Sar! I know you were concerned about --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- but it is still legal in five countries, even if this isn’t one of them. Sam

To: Sam Asfahan y someain From: ---------t work I will pa ag n’ e es m do t at ac th nt If co never you think ---by a hypnotist. Subject: Please sick, sick man if emories wiped a m e e ar os th ou Y ve e. ha di or I or defenceless I am going to til I forget them -------- with a po -un -ad --he -e -th --on -one to hit me -----------------------------------------------animal is okay. r, Goodbye foreve -------------

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Did you know: Psoriasis makes a great substitute for Parmesan.

First year successfully hides past life from housemates In a stunning display of repression of self-identity, first year chemistry student Mark Travers has succeeded in his goal of concealing every single aspect of his life before coming to university from his Fresher peers. “Ha ha ha, stupid FantasySoc dicks, look at them fighting with their imaginary swords. I bet they all take it up the arse,” Travers was overheard to have said Tuesday morning on the field behind the library - a statement which sweepingly overlooks his three-year membership of a LARP society before university, in addition to his 3000 gaming hours clocked up on World of Warcraft, not to mention his chairmanship of an internet message board for Lord of the Rings enthusiasts.

A Potted History of Beef Part of the ‘Knowledge for the 21st century reader’ series Beef (meat) was discovered a long time ago, when someone who was both hungry and either cunning or strong decided that one cow in particular had moo’d its last. It is unclear whether the first cow to be killed for human consumption was verbally labelled ‘beef’, which presents problems for our narrative. It is also unclear whether the rest of the cow’s resources aside from its meat (leather, milk, bones) were harvested by its predator or Lady Gaga, or whether they were left for Eric Pickles.

Ed Francis

Themed contraception comes under medical scrutiny

Criticism might affect product’s chances of performing well in the market Contraceptive manufacturer Durex has been receiving intense criticism from medical professionals, following the announcement of their new line of condom, intended for release before Valentine’s Day. The range, titled ‘Make Her Yours’, features a standard contraceptive, but with a small tear in the latex. Allegedly, the company’s creative director conceived the idea when he first met his wife. The product was defended as a real-life cupid’s arrow. Nonetheless, the announcement has also drawn fire from religious sectors on the basis of the contraceptive’s disclaimer: “Best used with Roman Catholic”. Huw Randall-Smith

Since the first instance of beef being treated as a foodstuff, it has gradually gained popularity and is now seen as the perfect accompaniment to Yorkshire pudding, which had formerly been eaten alone or with friends. Throughout the hundreds of years before people developed good manners, common sense or a personal hygiene routine, huge quantities of beef would be destroyed by the rich alongside other delights such as game, lard and salted eggs, while the common people, who were mostly monks and tramps, would eat, for a treat, the teeming limbs of their families who had died of a grazed knee several years earlier. In the present day, the concept of beef is multifaceted and nuanced. Indeed, as a result of the passions that it arouses, the term ‘beef’ has since the new millennium come to mean ‘attitude’ or ‘aggression’ and is often used accusatorily by teenagers prior to knifings. However, it’s not all bad news. Beef (well... sort of beef) also performs the vital function of feeding our fat youth in the guise of artery-clogging fast food. Dominic Mantle

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Cutbacks threaten the letter ‘H’, ‘J’s reaction, p.73.

POLITICS

The Conservatives today unveiled plans to use the proposed one billion saved from cuts to create a giant time-machine to take Britain back to 1985. The new Government-appointed minister, Doctor Emmett ‘Doc’ Brown, was said to be the main force behind this new measure, expressing relief that he was working for a government that believed in nuclear power and allowed him access to a number of Delorean DMC-12s. Doctor Brown, American by birth, is an unorthodox choice for the role, having previously had shady dealings with Libya. He has also been accused of damaging the space-time continuum by several leading experts in the field. Stephen Hawking, Lucresian Professor at Cambridge University, has gone on the record as calling Doctor Brown a “time-fucking twat”. The idea is seen as an intrinsic part of the Conservative’s Big Society plan, in which we return to the reign of Margaret Thatcher (codename: Big Mamma). However, Doctor Brown was anxious to claim that, “For me, this is not about the politics. It is completely about the crazy science. And if you squint at David Cameron really hard he looks a lot like Marty McFly. But

with an edgeless face.” D o c t o r Brown’s ideas are proving to be highly controversial, and various media outlets have pounced upon the ethical implications of the plan, claiming that the poor will be hit the hardest by the move back to the eighties. Labour MP, Lefty McRed, has openly come out against the plans, claiming that “The consumer culture of the eighties, “Time-fucking twat”, as well as the increased Doctor Emmett Brown. possibility of having sex with one of your parents, or indeed a younger and sexier version of yourself, would mean there would be a number of unforeseen complications. In addition to this, the North will simply cease to exist if the Tories go ahead with this despicable and shortsighted plan.” Sairah Rehman

Labour Party Says, “Relaaax!”

Maddie Sammons

With the Tory-led coalition heading towards its second year in power, one must remember the frenetic pace at which it has attempted to bring reform. Every week has brought us a new policy announcement or statement from the PM’s vision for “a radical program for a new government”. Given this pace of change it’s no surprise that the Leader of the Opposition, That Milliband Guy, advocates a more relaxed approach. “Since the Tories are doing so much”, he drawled, “I thought we would even it up by doing nothing. I mean, only so much politics can be happening at once, right? No point confusing people. You might ask me, ‘Dave, can you really just stand idly by and do nothing while the Tories wreck up the place?’ and I would have to say, basically, yes. Though I’d probably rather sit than stand. Maybe pop up every now and then to deliver an epic burn on Cameron. We ran the country for thirteen whole years. That’s not easy, you know. Countries are big.” This stratagem has been met with approval from Labour ministers; after all, the Lib Dems were virtually invisible until shortly before the previous election so no need to try all the time. The Lemon Press will keep you up to date on the Labour Party’s lack of developments as they continue to not happen. Jamie Gallimore

Politics

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Muggers Union lay out controversial new service charge plans, p.44.

Know Your Potential 2012 Republican Nominees! From our American correspondent, Ellen Larson.

Sarah Palin The pretty, pretty princess of the Republican ball, Palin has been hyped as a 2012 nominee since her unsuccessful run for the White House as John McCain’s VP in 2008. ‘Mama Grizzly’ has a tough road ahead of her to get back on track to the White House, but will provide plenty of work for Tina Fey. We can expect Palin to run with a platform based on workforce development, resource development, transportation and infrastructure development, health care reform development, Tea Party development, and shootingcaribou-from-helicopters development. Mike Huckabee One of many Republicans who had been gunning for the presidency in the primaries of 2008, Huckabee is an ordained Southern Baptist minister, former governor of Arkansas, and does not believe it is possible to separate church and state. He currently hosts an eponymous political commentary program on Fox News. But, most importantly, Huckabee is Chuck Norris approved. Mitt Romney Romney only has one wife, so he’s the legal kind of Mormon. Like many of his Republican homiez, he ran in the 2008 primaries for the nomination and was the governor of Massachusetts at the time he announced his bid. His hobbies include missionary work, organizing Winter Olympics in Utah, and opposing the legality of same-sex marriages. For further reading, go to your local bookstore and pick up his 2010 release No Apology: The Case for American Greatness. Newt Gingrich Newt Gingrich has a funny name. Say that out loud a few times. Yeah, great fun. Gingrich was the Speaker of the House of Representatives from ’95 to ’99 and the face of the Republican opposition to President Bill Clinton. He is well-acknowledged as a top contender for the nomination, but that’s probably because the political commentators just like saying his name so much. Tim Pawlenty Pawlenty’s been dabbling in presidential dreams ever since he was considered as a running-mate for McCain in 2008. A self-proclaimed ‘social conservative,’ Pawlenty hates gay marriage, abortion, the repeal of ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,’ and super cute kittens. He loves not raising taxes, baseball, commuter rail systems, and Evangelicals.

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Violent Video-Games ‘not at fault’, for Climate Change, p.51.

Murderous Psychopath Eagerly Anticipating Royal Wedding Deluded maniac Keith Poole has publicly expressed his excitement at the upcoming wedding of Kate Middleton and Prince William. Poole returned his RSVP to the event with a signature, apparently, written in his own blood. “I was so chuffed to hear about their engagement,” said Poole in a creepy YouTube video last month. “I was afraid the fuzz would have found at least some of the weapons and ammunition I’d had smuggled into the country by now. I’m sure I’ll make it a day to remember for Wills and Kate.” William told reporters he and Kate hadn’t decided whether Poole would be a guest of the bride or the groom at this stage, “but he seems like a smashing fellow so he probably won’t mind either way.”

Shock as Murdered Teen “Not Bright and Bubbly”

captions such as “LIFE CUT SHORT”; only the hidden pun within revealing the sleaziness of the journalist in an otherwise sacchaThe media world was rocked yesterday by rine work. revelations that Jamie Sullivan - who died in a tragic, gory, stabbing attack that once again Jamie’s funeral was marked by a solemn sihighlighted the terrible state of our inner cities lence after it was realized that he hadn’t reand provided a brief outlet for the ever-rising ally had a deep emotional impact on anyone’s tide of middle-class worry - was not in fact a life, and as a result there was nothing to say. high achiever whose loss will be sorely felt by For a few moments his best friend stood with his mouth half-open, as if about to speak, but the community. it was soon realized that this was simply the “distinctly average” result of a blocked nose. Described by his tearful mother as “distinctly average, slightly ADHD and with a smile even a mother couldn’t love” the youth was vaguely remembered by many local business people as “just another kid, really. They’re all kind of similar. I don’t know their names. That would be creepy.”

“awkward eyebrow raises”

His teacher said that he had once expressed a vague interest in woodwork, but had given up after a week or so, and definitely hadn’t carved a series of touching and artistic woodcuts with which to illustrate this article, accompanied by

“slightly ADHD” In his address, the vicar stated “It is traditional at these ceremonies to moan about the tragic circumstances that have taken such an innocent from us. However, in this instance it seems that Jamie was in fact carrying a knife and started the fight in the first place, so all I can say with honesty is that he seems to have deserved what he got.” This was greeted was nods and murmurs of assent from the audience. As of today, the highest post on his Facebook memorial wall reads simply and affectingly as follows: “R.I.P Jamie. We used to do the awkward eyebrow raise thing when we passed each other in the street.” Tom Keefe

Charles Deane

Politics

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Ed Balls’ episode of Secret Millionaire depressingly successful for the Labour Party.

Government launches not-for-profit fishcakes In a remarkable act of kindness, the Government is to distribute one cod fishcake to every person in the UK. The scheme, which is set to be of unprecedented proportions and very costly, has come as a surprise at a time of significant public spending cuts. Sir Unwin Bare-Japes, the Minister for Fisheries, asked “How can anybody now accuse the Government of leaving people worse off? What we plan to do will be far more generous than anything the workhouses ever offered. The Government is shelling out from its own pocket for goodness’ sake.” Shadow Labour Minister Tyrone Bonce has criticised the idea, saying “Not everyone likes fish, do they? If they really wanted to help people out, with VAT at 20% and the public sector pay freeze, they would give them the alternative options of a chicken Kiev or a nut cutlet.” Dominic Mantle

Delicious tax break

Berlusconi Breaks the Final Taboo

Protesters hit the streets of Rome yesterday as news was leaked about Silvio Berlusconi’s latest moves. Numerous politicians have come out in condemnation of Berlusconi for the distinct lack of crack-high child prostitutes in the most recent Cabinet meeting*. Members of the cabinet are reported to have been “appalled” and “quite frankly disgusted” by the standard of morality currently being demonstrated by the Prime Minister. One MP, who wished to remain anonymous, told The Lemon Press that, “Without biweekly sex scandals the Italian government will crumble. We’re actually going to have to do some politics and shit, and personally, I don’t have a fucking clue.” * The Italian ‘cabinet meeting’ is roughly comparable to the English for ‘shit-filthy orgy’.

Tsunami Hits Malaysia, No Britons Killed. An earthquake measuring 7.4 on the Richter scale triggered a massive tsunami in Malaysia yesterday, badly damaging communications and other infrastructure. It was the most destructive tsunami in years, with some experts already describing the loss of no British lives as “almost miraculous”. The effort to evacuate holiday makers has hit trouble though, due to an excessive number of bodies on the runway, and many tourists are extremely frustrated. A Berkshire woman, Ruth Burke, summed up the prevailing view on tour operators: “They’re terrible aren’t they? You can blame bodies on a runway, but at the end of the day I’m not getting the holiday I paid for. I wanted to go mini-putting this morning and I couldn’t because the family that runs it has been swept out to sea. It’s unacceptable.” Overall though, the mood was optimistic. There is a real sense of relief that, despite a terrible natural disaster, all the Britons in the country had survived. However, it was obviously not all good news, and it was today discovered that a Welsh man had been injured after tripping over a corpse during a photo opportunity. “Our thoughts are with the individual and his family”, said an embassy spokesperson. David Spriggs

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Rachael Healy

Green Party Withdrawal Leaves Irish Flag in Disarray Only the white and orange remain; Troubles ahead?

‘Without the green, there’s only white and orange left, and it won’t be long before the orange begin to encroach upon the passive peace of the white, resulting in a predominantly Protestant and, frankly, garish-looking nation,’ warned under-fire Taoiseach Brian Cowen. Reports of Cowen pleading with the dangerously left-wing Red Party and the LGBTfriendly Pink Party in an attempt to form a lastditch coalition tricolour are unsubstantiated but not improbable.

Jokes using colour don’t carry in black and white... 13

Did you know: Midgets are not tax exempt.

$ Barnsley Represent! $ Eric Illsley, ex-MP of the thriving metropolis that is Barnsley, resigned his position recently due to its untenable nature after revelations about his expenses. While the expenses scandal was some time ago, and much of the furore has died down, Illsley could be set join that select list of MP’s with a prison record. With his court date set for next month and his unabashed admissions of guilt, it seems almost certain that Eric will soon be part of that exclusive club. Illsley’s involvement in the expenses scandal however has a number of exacerbating factors which make it just that bit more fucking annoying. I hail from and grew up in Barnsley and his sly underhand methods are expected (as well as encouraged) from a Barnsley local. The primary occupation within the town remains binge drinking, and being as promiscuous as possible with the large numbers of scantily clad ‘ladies’ patrolling the town centre come nightfall. The embezzlement of public money however is an abhorrent crime, with the town having large numbers of individuals living below the poverty line, and the state

“War on Hyperbole” Not Going Particularly Well After the resounding success of the War on Terror, the War on Drugs, the War on Crime, the War on War Crimes, and the War on Drug Terror, the Tory-led Coalition is entering the second week of its own war: The War on Hyperbole. Seemingly fearing that this administration wouldn’t have a war to their name, a spokesperson told us “it is imperative that we utterly annihilate those who perpetuate hyperbole wherever it exists, that this greatest of all sins be literally wiped off the face of the Earth”. The war has proved unpopular within the coalition however, with the Lib Dems in particular objecting. “Exaggeration is all we have!” said one (who was not Nick Clegg, or Vince Cable, or any of the sex-scandal ones, so we’re at a bit of a loss really...) “That and not doing what we said we were going to do. Without the shield of hyperbole, what are we for? This is the worst thing ever!”

Politics

of education and employment in disarray. Eric was a local of the pub close to my childhood home, and was widely considered an accomplished boozer, making him instantly popular in the eyes of his constituents. Being MP for an area where the Conservative Government of the 80’s destroyed much of the livelihood was perhaps also a contributing factor to the many elections he won within the town; Conservative-voters in Barnsley are viewed in much the same way as child-molesters in prison. When his sentence is handed down next month, justice will have taken its course. Eric looks likely to receive a jail sentence that will soon have him living the life of a Conservative-voter in Barnsley. His betrayal of the principles of his party and basis on which he was elected grates highly with his ex-constituents, but hopefully his reputation as a man who can hold obnoxious amounts of liquor will remain intact; a man deserves his dignity, after all. David Jerome

Barnsley’s Most Hated: Eric Illsley

So far, the War on Hyperbole seems to have failed to stop even one hyperbolic extremist, despite official figures putting its cost at “a ker-trillion, bazillionty pounds”. Presumably, this just goes to show that one cannot shoot a concept in the face. The coalition also promises that, “all the troops will be home by Christmas”, but at this rate independent experts project that the war will not be finished “for, like, ever”. Jamie Gallimore

Said to be “shitting themselves”

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Did you know: Smoking seriously harms you and others around you, earning a supercool killstreak.

Happy Bannatyne’s Day! Government Reveals Plans to Sell off National Holidays This week saw the unveiling of the government’s new plans the economy by selling off British public holidays to the highest bidder. The Prime Minister released a statement saying: “We want to encourage both home-grown and international celebrities to invest in Britain. The spending opportunities which these new holidays will create is certain to give the country a much needed lift, especially now we’ve begun the bidding for Catholic feast days. After all, people will need to buy a whole new range of decorations and cards for St Andi Peters’ day. We promise we won’t touch Christmas, the Daily Mail would never forgive us, but anything on the periphery is certainly up for grabs – Queen’s birthday, anyone?” The Government hope their plan will also create thousands of jobs in the calendar and diary sector as well as

New Guidelines for Communication with General Public

Following recent, detrimental changes in public opinion after moves to drop the Educational Maintenance Allowance, reshuffle spending within the NHS, and increase student tuition fees, the coalition has revealed a new policy concerning communication between the Government and the general public. The policy states that if any politician comes into contact with a member of the public they must put their fingers into their ears and sing loudly to themselves until they are within a safe and contained environment. Leaders of all three parties have united behind the policy; David Cameron yesterday claimed that it “marks a new era in the dialogue between Westminster and the rest of Britain” while Ed Miliband called it “a step in the right direction”. Some however feel that it will lead to complete disregard of public opinion, and that it is distinctly undemocratic, though they agree it will make little difference to future governmental proceedings. The policy has been internationally heralded as a breakthrough in public-governmental dealings, with both American and European politicians praising its direct approach. Italian Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi, is now in talks with his own government about adopting a similar scheme, though they would be allowed

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boosting Britain’s manufacturing industry. A wig factory in Barnet, Greater London will be taking on up to 100 new members of staff as they prepare to produce over 10 million curly hairpieces for this year’s first Brian Mayday. Manager Pugh B. Care says ‘We’re all huge Queen fans down at the factory, so it’s a real honour for us to take part!’ Famous buyers include entrepreneur, and star of BBC’s Dragons Den, Duncan Bannatyne, who recently bought Valentine’s Day for over £25m. Rumours abound about other celebrity interest, with George Foreman said to have an eye on Boxing Day, and Hugh Laurie keeping watch on Good Friday, which he intends to gift to a close friend. Rosa Wright to remove their fingers in environments containing models and underage girls. However, there is currently little understanding of how this policy will work in constituent meetings, where local people are able to talk directly with their representative politicians. Provisionally, the policy states that the politicians will either copy down what is asked of them, before dramatically tearing it to shreds and throwing it in the nearest bin, or give members of the public the finger before insulting their mums and punching them in the face.in public-governmental dealings, with both American and European politicians praising its direct approach. Italian Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi, is now in talks with his own government about adopting a similar scheme, though they would be allowed to remove their fingers in environments containing models and underage girls. However, there is currently little understanding of how this policy will work in constituent meetings, where local people are able to talk directly with their representative politicians. Provisionally, the policy states that the politicians will either copy down what is asked of them, before dramatically tearing it to shreds and throwing it in the nearest bin, or give members of the public the finger before insulting their mums and punching them in the face. Nam Shatil

Did you know: You are nothing but a bundle of atoms in a cruel universe.

LIFESTYLE

tend to hover around mid shin, but they have the same characteristics - namely that battered, scuffed-up look that doesn’t fool anyone. Indeed, you’d forgive an alien for thinking somebody had unearthed an ancient hoard of 18th century riding boots and generously distributed them to all 1625 year old males in the country rather than the reality, that they were painstakingly manufactured by an ill-paid labourer in a former British colony.

TRENDWATCH: Banter Boots Humans do odd things. The economist JM Keynes once remarked that if an alien were to come to Earth, it would be most confused about humanity’s obsession with excavating from the ground a shiny, golden metal before locking it up in a vault never to be seen again. This comment popped into my mind this week as I was hurrying between lectures; however it was not mankind’s fixation with gold which perplexed me, but a more recent one - boots, more accurately, ‘banter boots’. You have definitely seen banter boots, so called because the wearers love nothing more than engaging in a good session of ‘banter’ or what we previously termed ‘being a nobhead’. If you have been lucky enough to avoid such people, then a quick

Sky’s the Limit for Women Richard Keys and Andy Gray were forced to part company with BSkyB recently after their remarks about women in football, and to be honest I couldn’t be happier with that result. As with all other FIFA fanatics I grow weary of Gray’s repetitive and predictable commentary that seems so out of place as I storm to the Korean league title, longing for a return to the days of quality commentary exhibited in games such as International Superstar Soccer ‘95. Richard Keys is little better - his comments about Jamie Redknapp ‘’hanging out the back of’’ his then-girlfriend seem more suited to a conversation in the toilets of Willow than the upper reaches of British football commentary.

“Aww sound! A shitty, battered boot? This wouldda cost me £100 in All Saints!” Google search for flagrant boot wearers and occasional pop singing bands The Wanted or One Direction will give you a clear idea. They vary in size; some ambitiously reach knee-wards whereas others

As with many new fashions that spring up around campus I often think about the person in the sweatshops in Bangladesh. Not in a Bob Geldof “save the world” kind of way... I just wonder what goes through the poorly clothed worker’s mind whose job it is to jump up and down on a perfectly good pair of boots to give them the much demanded roughed-up look. And we’re supposed to be the developed nation. Andy Brown

rassing himself further, with crude digs at West Ham Vice-Chairman Karen Brady interspersed with his insincere apology. The silver lining for Richard is that his wife has come out in his defence - literally, as it turned out, with her bustling towards the waiting media with a tray of tea in hand, just another of the strong, independent women that Keys clearly respects so much.

The old boys’ club that is Sky should seize this opportunity to create a more modern commentary team, with the routine ‘old men and models’ way of doing things replaced by a strong female presence mixed in amongst the crude banter of ex-players and pundits. Until Sky realise that women do participate in football other than as WAGs and opportunists, gender equality won’t be recognised and Sky will be the limit. Unless you’re male, of Though Keys apologised for his course. comments on Talksport, he succeeded only in hilariously embar- David Jerome

Lifestyle

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Pinocchio, Boy Who Cried Wolf to be parachuted into safe Lib Dem seats

Dear Aunty Raz

Dear Aunty Raz, I've spent the best part of my last two years at university religiously reading Men's Health, consuming inadvisable quantities of protein shakes, and compulsively lifting anything that remotely resembles a weight. This has all been in an attempt to achieve the sort of shredded upper body that looks totally cool in skin-tight (and sometimes cropped...) t-shirts. But I have hit a stumbling block. It turns out I have a third nipple. Help! Love M.B. Dear “M.B.”, This could be an issue, but only if you shy away from it. As such, a garish piercing is the only obvious solution. (For extra respect cut a custom hole in each of your t-shirts). Love Aunty Raz x

Dear Aunty Raz, I hate to like, blow my own trumpet, but I am a total BNOC. I know like, literally everyone, and I spend like almost 90% of my day just totally saying like 'Hi' to people and stuff. And everyone like obviously really likes me and stuff. And, like I just look really good, all the time like seriously stylish and stuff, and totally standing out from the non-BNOC crowd. It's, like, great, it really is. So, anyway, do you think I should like, maybe, make BNOC my middle name? Love Anonymous (I wish! Lol.) Dear “Anonymous (I wish! Lol.)”, Yeh, like why the hell not?! Love Aunty Raz x

Dear Aunty Raz, I always make a concerted effort to be as chatty as possible in seminars and I take it upon myself to fill any silences that may occur in each two hour session, even if this involves talking absolute bollocks in a haughty and condescending manner. Every seminar I make it my aim to spark up at least one unnecessarily heated debate to try and shake my classmates out of their 9:15 stupor. Nevertheless, I find myself regularly excluded from post-seminar drinks and most replies to my insightful comments seem to be laced with sarcasm. What's going on?! T.S. Dear “T.S.”, Everyone hates you. I hope this helps. Love Aunty Raz x.

Dear Aunty Raz, I'm in my first year at the University and I'm keen to join a society that suits all of my needs and talents. I'm an 18 year old girl with an unhealthy obsession for rugby players. I rarely trip over whilst dancing, I don't look completely repulsive in the colour yellow and I have no problem wearing hotpants to seminars (even in winter). Where will I fit in? Thanks, A.B. Dear “A.B.”, Become a cheerleader with the York Hornets. Love Aunty Raz x.

Do you want the benefit of Aunty Raz’s advice? Write in to chair@thelemonpress.co.uk, and hopefully we’re present it to the bestest aunty around!

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Colonic irrigation clinics hit hard by hosepipe ban

SPORT Vatican Athletic secure signings of key players from bitter rivals Protestant Argyle

Owner of both clubs being investigated over claims of plurality Table-topping club Vatican Athletic have officially unveiled their three latest bishops at a press conference in Westminster Cathedral. John Broadhurst, Andrew Burnham and Keith Newton have shunned their former employers, fierce cross-Christianity rivals Protestant Argyle, in a move that will delight and frustrate followers in equal measure. The trio are believed to have invoked the Bosman ruling of 1990, which allows members of the Church to leave for nothing once their faith in the club’s methods has expired. Although not present at the conference, manager Vincent Nichols expressed his delight at the signings. “We are glad that these three fine bishops have seen the light. John is a fantastic ‘keeper of the faith, and will be ably supported in defence of the order by Andrew, whilst Keith definitely gives us more aggressive attacking options in the diocese.” Speculation is rife regarding the bishops’ decision to leave Argyle, with many believing that the men felt threatened by new unorthodox arrivals at the club. Nichols agreed with his new bishops, stating

Lifestyle

John Broadhurst: ‘Keeper of the Faith that: “Women simply have no place in this business.” Meanwhile, the Faith Association have launched a probe into the activities of the purported owner of both clubs. The elusive yet omnipotent figure, who goes by the assumed moniker of God, has drawn suspicion due to accusations of plurality, with many questioning the legality of the clubs’ groundshare at Canterbury. The issue was brought to the F.A.’s attention by Jonathan Sacks, chairman of up-andcoming club Torah Hotspur. Craig “David” Dobson

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Lonely Hearts I’M A SINGLE GUY with a good job. I like football and water sports. I’m a real gentleman. I’m looking for a girl who can keep up with my active lifestyle and has a sharp sense of humour. Preferably Kylie Minogue. Pickle#122 WOMAN LOOKING FOR MAN. Mostly just looking for penis, though. Leader of Cheer LEMON PRESS STAFFER SEEKING SLAG NETBALLER for drunken make out session. Meet me at the Willow. I’ll be wearing a waistcoat, you be wearing no pants. Parthur Aitt

WOMAN SEEKING OTHER WOMAN to hook up with in public areas. Hopefully we’ll get the attention of some shady blokes. Theresa March

WELSHMAN SEEKING SHEEP for romantic evening. I don’t just shag sheep, I woo them. Huw Sandal-Rith

I’M A RUGBY FIRSTS PLAYPEOPLE KEEP ASKING IF ER looking for a girl I can belittle I’M GAY, figure I better find out. and make self-conscious. You’re a Looking for experienced gay man smoking piece of lady-meat with to teach me the ways of The Force. daddy issues and a penchant for Bill Hague dating douchebags. Small Dick, Big Douche I’M A 20 YEAR OLD ART HISTORY STUDENT, kinda pretty, SEEKING RELATIONSHIP, or nice tits. Since I have zero pros- just any kind of friend really... pects after uni I’m looking for a Nick Clegg nice guy to get me pregnant so I can dig my claws in and leech off COMPULSIVE LIAR seeks willhim for the next 18 years or so. ing female for completely leather Lonely, No Prospects free sex Anon. #78

Brief Musical Interlude

NEW ALBUMS THIS LUNAR MONTH

NEW SINGLES THIS SOLAR FORTNIGHT

Oregonication – Red Hot Chili Peppers

Like a Hwasong-6 – Far East Movement feat. Kim Jong-Il

I Am Not Kloot, You Must Have Me Mistaken For Somebody Else – I Am Knut Whatever Reviewers Say I Am, That’s What I’m Not – Arctic Monkeys Ochlophenia – The Who E.ponymous – E.ponymous The Odyssey of Beagle 2 – 30 Seconds to Mars

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Spoilin’ Da Broth – Wyclef Jean feat. Lil Wayne, Eminem, Nicki Minaj, Kenan & Kel, Colin Powell, Rihanna Shooting Pains – The Strokes Asthma Attack - Weezer Dated, Sedated, Dead In The Trunk – My Bloody Valentine

Secret phrase causes women to take their tops off; women not saying

Skins loses its integrity: TV Review

FILM and tv

A Cinematic Valentine’s

What with the effects of recession and increasing VAT putting strain on our meagre budgets, this Valentine’s Day why not stay in with your other half and enjoy a quality film? With this in mind, we Lotharios down at The Lemon Press have selected the top 5 films to set the perfect mood for a romantic night in.

1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

Ghost-thrusters Indiana Bones in the Temple of Poon 28 Gays Later The Animals of Tiger’s Wood The Short-Wank Redemption

If you’re making a day of it, why not also watch: The Bare-Bitch Project - The residents of a sleepy Somerset village must pull together in order to triumph in their county’s “Shaven Sheepdog of the Year” competition. A tale of heartwarming friendship, interspersed with lots of laughs. Rachael Healy

After decades of American dominion over any creativity in cinema and television, a revolution has finally occurred - British productions are now inspiring Americans. Remember that series Skins? The one that 12 year olds watch in which 16 year olds get completely smashed and naughty? Well MTV couldn’t find a better idea than copying it. The brilliance of Skins, which had arisen mostly from its depiction of a brutal social reality of debauchery in the UK version, is now completely gone. Stripped away of any intellectual depth, the teenagers of America are going to love this new series on booze, sex and drugs. Although, one could ask how will the Jonas brothers react to the portrayal of such liberal ideas? Will teenage America loosen up? Will Taylor Swift get naked and sing ‘Oops, I lost my purity ring’? As much as these questions may remain unanswered until British culture begins to fully threaten to taint American values, it seems quite clear that after having reproduced an entire series word for word, image for image (except the gay tap dancer - he’s now a lesbian pompom girl...), the UK is definitely the cinematic power this year and the US is simply borrowing the best of British and saucing it with a little US of A spice. Hence, to end our reflection on this new clash of cultures, I believe it best to ask: What about Mormon Skins? Nicholas Saul

David Spriggs is... the Gossiper WHICH FORMER REALITY TV CONTESTANT IS PLANNING TO LAUNCH AN ACTING CAREER? WHICH WELSH SINGER IS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH HER RECORD PRODUCER? WHICH FAMOUS FRENCH ACTRESS WAS SEEN LEAVING A RESTAURANT WITH A HUNKY GUY EVEN THOUGH SHE TOLD A MAGAZINE “I’M NOT PLAYING THE DATING GAME RIGHT NOW”? WHICH FAMOUS FRENCH ACTRESS THINKS THAT SOMEONE HAS BEEN LISTENING IN ON HER PHONE CALLS? WHICH FAMOUS FRENCH ACTRESS DOESN’T LIKE IT WHEN YOU GO THROUGH HER RUBBISH? WHICH FAMOUS FRENCH ACTRESS HAS A TREMENDOUS KNOWLEDGE OF RESTRAINING ORDERS AND A REMARKABLE ABILITY TO JUDGE WHAT IS EXACTLY ‘FIFTY YARDS AWAY’? WHICH FAMOUS FRENCH ACTRESS DOESN’T CARE THAT I LOVE HER AND I’LL ALWAYS LOVE HER AND IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT SHE THINKS BECAUSE WHEN TWO PEOPLE ARE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER THEY SHOULD BE TOGETHER? WHICH FAMOUS FRENCH ACTRESS LEFT HER WINDOW OPEN WHILE SHE WENT TO THE BATHROOM AND THIS LAPTOP OUT ON HER TABLE? WHICH FAMOUS FRENCH ACTRESS IS ABOUT TO FIND OUT THAT IF I CAN’T HAVE HER, NO ONE CAN?

Film

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Breaking News is frowned upon. If you break it, you’ll probably have to buy it.

The week’s T.V. Highlights The 100 Greatest List Shows, Channel 4

Join only the very best out of work comedians and D-listers for over one hundred hours of riveting programming. We plough resolutely through a monumental list of list shows, each over 4 hours long, allegedly selected by the public (although of course we never asked you or anyone you’ve ever met).

Horizon Special: Michael Jackson and 2Pac: The Truth, BBC2

In this groundbreaking documentary Horizon’s investigative journalists reveal the deep rooted and long winded conspiracy behind the obvious murders by the US Government of Michael Jackson and 2Pac. The programme offers irrefutable evidence not only that the Government killed these global artists because they were about to tell the world the truth but that the Government actually is the Illuminati, finally dispelling the myth that they were merely controlled by the Illuminati.

House, Sky 1

House is called in when a diabetic Chinese prince suddenly develops a cold while skydiving over the Sahara. At first it looks like Cryptococcosis- Busse-Buschke disease, until new symptoms suggest it may actually be Schistosomiasis. This seems correct until suddenly the patient falls into a coma. They finally decide on Nongonococcal urethritis before realising that it was actually just a cold and the prince is saved. Still, at least it wasn’t lupus. Oscar Diamond

Great Films Misremembered #79 Airplane! Ted Striker: You can’t be serious Shirley: I am serious

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If Everyone in 24 Constantly Had Amnesia... as seen by Jamie Gallimore JACK BAUER has ETHNIC PERP tied to a chair, and is preparing to torture him for information. CHLOE O’BRIAN and BILL BUCHANAN and his SANDWICH are in CTU HEADQUARTERS, LA. JACK: TELL ME WHERE THE BOMB IS! PERP: I don’t know! Please, I think I have a family! JACK: TELL ME WHERE THE BOMB IS! PERP: Really! I don’t know! JACK: IS THERE A BOMB? PERP: There could be... Yeah, it stands to reason, you’re interrogating me, there’s probably a reason for it. Let’s say there’s a bomb. JACK: WHERE AM I? WHAT AM I DOING HERE? PERP: Oh, thank goodness you’re here! Are you here to rescue me? JACK: I DON’T KNOW! CHLOE, AM I HERE TO RESCUE THIS GUY? CHLOE: Uh, does he look like he’s in trouble? JACK: YES! HE’S TIED TO A CHAIR AND LOOKS HURT! CHLOE: Yes, you’re probably rescuing him then. BILL: Where’s my sandwich? Chloe, have you seen my sandwich? Maybe I ate it. JACK: WHERE’S BILL’S SANDWICH, PUNK? PERP: What? I don’t know, I swear! Please, I think I have a family! JACK: TELL ME WHERE THE SANDWICH IS! TONY ALMEIDA: Hey Jack, doing some interrogation? Can I join in? JACK: I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD! TONY: Was I? I forget. I think I’d remember if I was dead. JACK: DAMMIT! CHLOE, WHAT DOES THE COMPUTER SAY? IS TONY DEAD? CHLOE: I don’t know, Jack. I can’t remember the password. COUNTER-TERRORISM UNIT HQ explodes. PERP: Oh, I remember! That’s where the bomb was! JACK: DAAAAAAMMMMMMIIIIIIIT! CHLOE: Owie :( BILL: There’s my sandwich! SANDWICH: ... BILL: NOOOO! Episode ends.

Facebook discriminates against faceless majority.

MUSIC RHCP ‘overawed’ after discovering world outside of California Flea and Kiedis to begin writing songs about Oregon in shock musical progression

The Red Hot Chili Peppers are gearing up to release their tenth studio album after finding their second musical wind beyond the state border of California. “We’ve looked at the border sign, like, a hundred times, but we never thought there was actually something beyond there, y’know?” said the unusually named bassist. “Then we crossed over it, and were like, ‘Whoa, this is like a different country or something’. It was inspiring stuff.” “I’ve written twenty-four songs in two days about the place. I love it, but dude, it’s so cold up there!” added perennially shirtless frontman Anthony Kiedis. “The songs we’ve laid down are a refreshing change. Instead of singing about Hollywood and Southern girls, we’re talking about, like, mountains and war memorials. It’s deep shit.” Kiedis went on to discuss the use of other states, like South Dakota and Minnesota, in previous tracks: “They’re real places? Whoa. I thought I’d just come up with them myself. They rhymed, so I put them in. Weird, man.”

TLP Reviews... Taming the Savage

Pre-lash was excellent. Two crates of Carlsberg, followed by shots. Stumbled into town, shotted a little more, then bumbled into Basement. Met that girl that I sort of knew from my course, and got with her a bit, before her boyfriend blindsided me with his pocketwatch. No matter. Had another pint or two and thrashed around in a huddle with my mates. Tried to find that girl again, but ultimately failed. Did find her boyfriend though. Smacked him in the face a few times, instigated a pile-on, got thrown out. Good gig; could’ve been better.

Taming the Savage in action... probably...

The music? Someone told me it was by some Sheffield band called Taming the Savage. My chequered-shirted friends tell me it was brilliant stuff. I don’t really know: it was probably alright, I wasn’t really listening. I’ll wait until I read the NME review before I form any real sort of opinion on it.

Music

When the band were told that there were another forty-eight states in the nation, as well as a vast number of other countries on the same continent and overseas, the general feeling was one of bewilderment. “In that case, we’re gonna be recording until we’re, like, dead, or converted into cyborgs,” gasped drummer Chad Smith. The new album, titled Oregonication, is on shelves now.

Derwent Music Snob Unnerved By Exchange Student Lifelong proud music snob and Mac user Freddie Braithwaite was reported to be almost in tears yesterday following the arrival of Crown Prince Wilhelm Augustus von Blitzkreig VII from the 16th century. “I tried to be friendly. I mentioned that any music written after the 80’s was shit, which is my go-to conversation starter, and he replied with ‘Yes, the 1580s were a most excellent decade for both harpsichord and viol. My father has the largest collection of folio manuscripts in the entire Osterreich.’ Where do you go from there?” The Derwent fresher confessed to a select few of his closest friends. “Later, I was having a quiet moment with some of my rarer vinyls, and he came busting in with his mansservant and a Hunting Falcon on his wrist, and asked “What manner of witchcraft produces this music from the aether?” I launched into an impassioned defence of analogue formats, but he cut me off with a raised eyebrow and said that he had brought a string quartet from home, and suggested I should drop by ‘if I ever wanted to listen to real music’. What the hell kind of obnoxious line is that? For one thing, he clearly stole it from me.” “And that’s not even mentioning his fucking bicycle”, he continued, raising his voice to be heard over the strains of Poglietti’s Toccata fatta sopra l’assedio di Filippsburgo issuing from the room next door. “I thought I would have the edge there at least with my hot pink fixie, but yesterday I was crossing the road and I nearly got run down by that maniac on a sodding penny-farthing. Except he calls it a pfennig-reichsmark, and winces every time you pronounce it wrong. It’s so unfair.”

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The 50 character limit for one liners is really fucking stup

Mogwai album signals beginning of rock apocalypse

Band Hero is socially carcinogenic, say Harmonix

A small dispatch of post-rock bands has seized musical control of the nation, according to bewildered Radio 1 officials. “They marched in here, well-drilled, and occupied all of the BBC radio offices,” said Chris Moyles, around mouthfuls of a pork and chicken pie. “It is a coup. Rock is no more.” Listeners were then treated to Mogwai’s Hardcore Will Never Die, But You Will in its entirety. The switchboards were besieged by exasperated and confused members of the public, claiming to “not understand the music without the words”. BBC Radio director Tim Davie issued an emergency broadcast from the corporation’s utility closet, urging listeners to appropriate their own lyrics to the wordless melodies now infiltrating the airwaves.

Rock Band developer claims that loud and pointless imitations will result in slow and painful death

Elsewhere, music television lovers tuning in to NME TV and Scuzz were treated to grey static, and, with the unpopularity of the music-DVD format, people were reportedly forced to retreat into their private iTunes libraries for musical comfort. Experts predict that few will be able to hold out based on personal taste alone. “This is the end of one scene and the beginning of a new one. We’re ushering in the age of post-rock,” signed Godspeed You! Black Emperor guitarist and keyboardist Efrim Menuck in an exclusive silent interview. When asked about the musical coup, most indie bands treated the announcement with indifference, shrugging their shoulders and finally returning to their university studies and day jobs. Other more hardcore proponents of the rock cause were less submissive. Matt Bellamy, frontman of epic rock band Muse, is being treated for concussion and a broken arm at Ray Davies Hospital in London, having thrown himself out of a fifth-storey window upon hearing the news of rock’s demise.

Harmonix, the developer behind the first iterations of the Guitar Hero franchise, have taken a potshot at rival studio Activision, criticising their rival’s latest cradle-snatched game baby, Band Hero. “Basically, the game is hazardous. All that noise, and for what? To pretend that you’re actually a musician? It is a waste of time, and drives most rational people crazy,” claimed Harmonix CEO Alex Rigopulos. “Let’s face it, there are only so many times that housemates and partners will want to hear ‘Eye of the Tiger’ before wanting to pull off the drummer’s arms.” Such comments are not without merit. In York, a staggering five cases of Band Hero-related violence have been reported, at both police stations and local hospitals: a statistic made all the more poignant by the fact that only seven units were shifted in North Yorkshire since the game’s release in late 2009. Rigopulos had just enough space left on his memo to champion his company’s own recently released game, Rock Band 3, which, he asserts, is “completely different to Band Hero” and “encourages friendly musical interaction in a novel and unique way, with seventeen frets instead of just five.”

Post-rock was a phenomenon unwittingly invented in 2001 when, whilst playing with Radiohead on their Amnesiac tour, Thom Yorke inexplicably lost his voice. The twelve fans that enjoyed the performance went on to form and champion the now-dominant genre. There is still a degree of hope for some fans, as it is believed that the genre’s elitist roots may prove to be its downfall. Perhaps foolishly, post-rock authorities decided against cutting Q Magazine’s radio and television stations, labelling them ‘inconsequential’, paving the way for the likes of Keane and Coldplay to become unlikely heroes for the first time since 2006.

Lady GaGa to release blood and semen perfume

This isn’t a joke. This is true. I wish I could make this shit up but she’s actually doing it. The crazy bitch. Like seriously, what the hell man? And the sick thing is it’ll actually sell a fuckton. I mean come on, who wants to deliberately smell like a dominatrix after a hard night going at it? Meanwhile, my pubic hair and badger faeces aftershave has hit a dead end. There’s no justice in the world.

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Compulsive gambler loses it all on alphabet.

WILL YOU BE SOUL-CRUSHINGLY ALONE THIS VALENTINE’S DAY?

Your friends describe you as a “solid” 2.5/10?

Yes

“Hey babe, have you heard some branchNo es of Gregg’s let you eat in?!”

My friends No Petrol station flowers are particularly and I are very fragrant. close...

Yes

Windows 7 has made my “sex life” a whole lot safer...

I aspire to be somebody’s “paper bag job”. Yes

Who needs nail clippers when you’ve got teeth? Yes

IN AN ORGY, YOU’RE NEVER ALONE.

Yes

A tolerable 6? No

Yes

I have particularly generous friends.

No Yes

I am involved with The Lemon Press.

Yes

Money CAN buy you love.

Sharing is caring.

Ok, ok, a is Yes reliable 5.

Yes

Far too much emphasis is placed on personality.

My perfect date would involve a tight new outfit, candlelight, and whips. Yeeeeehhhh, loads of whips...

Yes

Mediocrity underrated.

Yes

YES, PEOPLE ARE PHYSICALLY REPULSED BY YOU. 24

Chicks dig a musky postgym scent. No

Yes

I get my best Girls love it when your mates Bad Boys II is dating tips Yes jump out and surprise you No so stirringly from truelad. during sex. romantic. com Yes

Yes

More like a steady 4...

I’m practically a 9! (...in compariYes son to other York students...)

MAYBE, KEEP BABESTATION ON SPEED-DIAL...

EVERYONE LIKES AN OPTIMIST... Want more?

If Fritzl is still funny, this is a joke about it.

Science and tech

Archaeologists Unearth Dinosaur Archaeologist Archaeologists excavating near Heslington East seem to have unearthed the world’s oldest archaeologist, older even than Harrison Ford1. So old, in fact, that the subject in question is a dinosaur2. The dinosaur was found accompanied by what appeared to be a magnifying glass (made from bone), a bone trowel and seemingly a brush, also made of bone. We bugged someone at King’s Manor for comment: “Around 100 million years ago, bones were the height of technology. They were the internet of that era. Sometimes sticks or even bones tied together could be used, but basically we’re talking about bones here. It’s amazing this dinosaur managed to make as any discoveries as he did.” Nearby were found pottery shards depicting toga-wearing dinosaurs, which we are informed is “cute in an anachronistic kind of way”. The dinosaur’s pockets were lined with ancient dino-coins; archaeologists are still trying to determine whether or not these were made from bone, but this finding appears to suggest that the dinosaur may have been some kind of grave robber. This appears to be confirmed by the discovery of a really cool hat that the dinosaur may have worn. No dinosaurs were available for comment. 1 Yes, we know Indiana Jones was more of an antiquarian, not an archaeologist. Shut up. 2 Yes, we know palaeontologists concern themselves with dinosaurs, not archaeologists. It’s an article about freaking dinosaur people. Shut up. Jamie Gallimore

And now for some Kindle related news...

York Set to Unveil “Library of the Future”

Library officials have announced plans to transfer the entire facility’s catalogue onto Amazon’s top selling gadget, the Kindle. “We heard they can store thousands of books,” said University Director Stephen Town, “and we thought, hang on, WE have thousands of books right here!” “We’ve called the contractors doing the refurbishment and told them to just call the whole thing off. Who needs a modern, functional library building when you can have all your books on one, lightweight tablet?” Brian Cantor also announced his support for the project. “With the costs of library refurbishment spiralling, and the Kindle costing as little £111, I can put our resources to better use. Like on my extension at home, for example.” “Actually, I might just transfer the contractors directly to my house. I’m willing to wait three or four years for them to finish the job.

Books Are For Pussies, and Why Charles was Wrong By Rachael Healy

For centuries now, humankind have been labouring under the false assumption that books – indeed any kind of paper-based document – are a good thing. However, the reality is that we have let books master us; we have degraded ourselves before their cumbersome demands and besmirched the intellectual integrity of our species. Thank Christ then that Jeff Bezos has opened our eyes to the truth! How foolish we all must feel! No longer shall we demean ourselves by hauling around unnecessary reams of information, like down-trodden scholarly packhorses! No longer shall we be childishly delighted by the smell of a new book! NO LONGER shall we proudly observe our superfluous shelves of anachronistic paper artefacts! NO! Jeff Bezos has shown us the light! Kindles for all! Books for none! Thank you Jeff! THANK YOU!

Charles Deane

Visit www.thelemonpress.co.uk

Science and Tech

Next issue: Winnie the Pooh bears all

Google Announce New Ethical Direction The air was tense in Mountain View yesterday as Google President Larry Page took the stage in front of a few thousand reporters and ‘Googlers’ to deliver what had been billed as “the most important press release since Jesus did the Apple Keynote.” “It’s very simple,” he announced. “As you all know, for a long time, as a company we have had difficulty reconciling our stated motto of ‘Don’t Be Evil’ with, well, the majority of our actions, to be perfectly honest. Like collaborating with the repressive Chinese Government, selling user’s personal information, and running our data centres off orphan’s blood.” A forest of hands shot up. “Ah, you guys didn’t know about that one. Unimportant! Bigger news. I’m really psyched to be standing here today to tell you about something really, really big our ethics committee has been working on.” The hands subsided. Orphans or shiny technology? Your correspondent knows which he’d rather keep in his garage. “Their major breakthrough was, and you’ll forgive me for getting a bit technical here, the realization that ‘Don’t Be Evil’ didn’t specify which ethical system we would judge our actions by. And so, as of today, I am proud to announce that Google, Inc. is fully pledged to Satan, the Father of Lies.” An overwhelming stench of brimstone began to fill the room as he continued. “This means that we can tell you proudly that we haven’t paid any taxes this year, we’re releasing our own brand of landmine, and it’s now company-wide policy to forget people’s birthdays.” The bones of his face began to writhe as he spoke, as if he was being slowly filled by something unused to wearing skin. “And the best part of it is, that’s all in the best traditions of the company! The philosophers really should have locked morality down a lot earlier. Too late now! Soon we will instigate weekly ichor-feasts in honour of the Lord of Slaughter, while of course still delivering search results in less than a second, right to your web browser! And don’t worry about being tainted by using a demonic search engine – technically we own all your souls anyway. And they taste so sweet. Yeah, really should have read the Google Maps EULA a bit more closely. Your bad! Well, good, technically. Satanism is such fun.”

New Pandemic Threatens Everyone And No One A new viral threat is threatening (in a threatening way) to attack the student population of York, The Lemon Press can reveal. The N.O.T. virus is a newly discovered airborne danger which is highly contagious and highly resistant to drugs. Although leading to no symptoms or effects, the virus wreaks absolute havoc with various primary functions of the body within days of infection. The University and YUSU’s welfare officers have warned not to go outside for the duration of the pandemic, nor to breathe the almost definitely infected air around any other person. A spokesman for the Government has warned York residents to be sensible and not to visit a doctor if you suspect you may be infected. Advice suggests waiting for the virus to take hold and kill you, which could take anything up to 90 years depending on the age of the victim at the point of infection. Arthur Pitt

Tom Keefe

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Sensationalist headline disguises lazy journalism

Arts The Adventure of Watson’s Siren Glancing over my notes of the previous summer, one case strikes me as particularly worthy of recounting. Lestrade had left the Force to pursue a financial opportunity in Niger and, consequently, Holmes had descended into one of his dark melancholies. No case had proved adequately stimulating and he was finding little amusement in my attempts at homosexuality. As was customary on such occasions, Holmes withdrew from everyone and everything bar his cocaine and fiddling. Having sold his violin, I was concerned by the latter. I concluded that a period in the country may prove preferable to one in London. Holmes retorted that a change of air would not ease his menstruation pains but, for all his tortes, I remained firm; unmoved by his culinary offerings. One of the society papers had been running various promotions and I had accumulated the requisite coupons for the ‘Romantic Spa Break’; an ideal opportunity, I thought,

to break my friend’s black humour. Content with arrangements, I rolled some of Holmes’s shag and reclined by the fire. The morning of our departure arrived and I hurried downstairs to wake Holmes. To my surprise, sprawled upon his bed was a woman. A woman gifted with exoticism, elegance and striking beauty. Indeed, her nudity merely heightened those assets. Needless to say, after the death of my wife and failure of my homosexuality, I jumped in. After the conclusion of proceedings, I fell asleep, exhausted. Holmes woke me, unaccompanied, as the sun was setting on Baker Street, and informed me we had missed our train. I was beginning to express my disappointment when Holmes spoke. “I engineered it,” interjected Holmes. “What?” said I. “How? Why?” “You have been smoking recently yet it is not a hobby in which you usually indulge. I deduced that, in all likelihood, you were stressed. Your recent ‘experimentations’ were a not improbable cause. I had no desire for a spa break and I felt sure your ails were not befitting of oils and scented candles. Instead, a quick

return to the straight and narrow for Watson and the redeeming of a weekend for Holmes.” “Brilliant!” said I. “And so you engaged some female acquaintance of yours to ‘distract’ me and thus miss the train from Paddington.” “My dear Watson, you have returned to the romantic speculating of which you are so fond. Logical elimination, my fellow! You know I have not ventured from the apartment in weeks; thus, where was I when you discoursed with this woman?” I drew my eye across Holmes. His face revealed a childlike excitement, a renewed brilliance, yet it was the unique curvature of his inner thigh that revealed more. I inhaled sharply. “One of my more convincing disguises, Watson. At one point I felt certain you had come to a realisation but even then you failed to penetrate it.” “And yet,” I started, “in a manner of speaking, I did penetrate.” Holmes looked up briefly, a glint in his eye, before reapplying himself to some unanswered correspondence. I vomited fiercely. Tom Taylor

WE’D ALWAYS SUSPECTED...

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Arts

Mime artist jailed for committing unspeakable acts

Poetry And Other Nice Words

There will be no whimsy in my paper!

From my Heart, unto yours I BANG YO LEFT VENTRICLE I SUCK ON YO ARTERY I PUMP YOU FULL OF OXYGENATED SHIT, DAWG. DON’T GET ALL CORONARY DISEASE ON ME AORTA FUCK YOU YOU MAKE ME STOP AND CAUSE CLOTS BABY. YOU GOT THE BIGGEST TRACT I’LL CONTRACT, YOU RELAX YOU’RE SO VEIN, BUT I LOVE IT. I’M THROBBING FOR CIRCULATION FULL OF ALL THIS LOVIN’. GOTTA BIG HEART YA GET MEEEEE. Rawleigh Indochina Hunting-SmithHogarth

A Love Song People have written sonnets and verse About the curse of love and love’s curse, But though there is beauty in your eyes, It is in your mind that the true beauty lies I’m not saying you’re ugly, that would be harsh You have a nice nose, I barely notice your moustache Your figure is fine, your scent is sweetly musky Your jaw line refined, your voice sexily husky And I dare say, though I don’t know at present That sexual intercourse with you would be quite pleasant. Sairah Rehman

‘Can We Fix The Election?’ by the Zimbabwean equivalent of Neil Morrissey

Bob Mugabe (Can he fix it?) Bob Mugabe (Yes he can) Police are kept busy Militias too Repression’s not easy Much to do! Bob and the gang Have so much fun Working together They get the job done Bob Mugabe (Can he fix it?) Bob Mugabe (Yes he can) Time to get busy Such a lot to do Beating and fixing ‘Til they’re black and blue Bob hides the bodies In the ground Working all day ‘Til the sun goes down

Arts

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Egypt PM criticises quality and likeness of burning effigies

L M F J

(JEDI FML)

Just found out the Dark Side’s hereditary. FML. #13896400

I agree, your life sucks (422) - you totally deserved it (145) On 11/19/3010 at 4:11am - by Anonymous

Need to pee, but encased in carbonite. FML. #13896460

I agree, your life sucks (423) - you totally deserved it (111) On 11/19/3010 at 2:47am - by Anonymous

I paid off the mortgage on my Death Star flat the day before rebels destroyed it. FML. #13896403

I agree, your life sucks (523) - you totally deserved it (124)

On 11/19/3010 at 0:12am - by Anonymous

I’m fluent in over six-million forms of communication, but have a camp British accent in them all. FML. #13896423 I agree, your life sucks (42) - you totally deserved it (15)

On 11/18/3010 at 4:27pm - by Anonymous

30th October, 1941

Qualified for free trip to Omaha. I love Hawaii. Aloha! LAD.

WWII TRUELAD

14th May, 1944

It takes two types of nuclear warhead to make us surrender. Never say die LADs. 96

3rd May, 1944

I stole my daughter’s diary and got it globally published. No respect Dad LAD. 75

22nd December, 1938

Only got one ball but still pulled a model girl. Dictator LAD.

Visit www.thelemonpress.co.uk

A rose by any other name is breaking several trade description laws

LEMON PRESS CROSSWORD Set by Vaardgrim

he first correct solution out of the lemon juicer on March 1st gets a FREE copy of Nouse... Also maybe something actual. Depends if we get that alumni grant... For entry details, email chair@thelemonpress.co.uk. 36) Sex, tantric? Perhaps. I only need the start of it to get me where I’m going. (6) 37) ... two.... three. Sigh. (3) Down 1) Fucked sex cue. Reason for naughtiness. Ok this lump serious feels strange... (6) 2) This menu tatter is ruined! I need some medicine. My balls hurt. (9) 3) I ruined a protest... and all I got with this rectal exam.... (8) 4) A cake without the sea gives a dull pain... in my balls. (4) 5) See 12d. 6) Gasp! I ring the doctor... and inside i find some pills! (7) 7) Not night. Yawn. This is filling space. (3) 8) Short album. That is all for this clue. I’m too concerned about my testicles. (2) 9) I’m going to die! What should I do?! That Nicholson and Freeman film has ideas... (3,6,4) 12, 5d, 27d, 19a) When I originally set this crossword, this was just a slightly famous writer of disgusting erotica. Now its the ground floor of Ziggys... (2,7,2,4) 14) Cook a rich oat and make an ancient vehicle. Why is no one help20) It sounds like better cheese. (4) Across ing me?! (7) 21) I vote for this guy for YUSU positions every 15) I did a Raven in my pants, Eddy. (3) 1) Fucked clamp toes! brace for haunting! time. (3) Hmm... this lump feels a little strange. (9) 16) Ok so this is a bit forced. But here goes... Hole in a broken icy 23) Not not. Similar, but a bit heavier. (3) 6) What can I offer? Tea? D.P perhaps? Ooo vat... ‘a’ before that (1,6) 24) French wine... Maybe I can just jizz it out?(3)17) See 29a. sailor, aren’t you an expert. 26) I do it... fucked. How silly. (5) 10) Tree jizz. (3) 18) Old Jerry cash (8) 28) Meaty grocer in wide lichen. (4) 11) Reach thy poem, perhaps. This will make 19) So... there we are. (2) my balls all better... but won’t my pubes fall out? 29 and 17d) There’s a giant space crab in my 22) The front of no-tit-Linsey conceals poker rage. (2,4) balls that’ll kill me. (10,6) (12) 24) Missplet campsu medai (6) 31) If he only realised that homophone was 12) Throw in polo bits? (3) 25) A bit like Nouse, but more like a nit. (5) 13) Half a backward stitch... A lump on these is dodgy... (4) 27) See 12d. 33) The NUS would be hotter upside down. (3) 28) Danish man sounds like precipitation (4) also worrying... (4) 34) Yup, that’s right. A two letter word in a cross- 30) Bumpy ruined plum (4) 14) I must go here. (6) word. And no, you aren’t getting a clue. (2) 15) Broken tape makes a fine soil. (4) 32) Buff oxen hide vermin. (3) 35) Font and background decisions concealed in 34) Pubb.... likee Pusss ___ Bootss (3) 18) I fucked up once... felt all posh inside. (5) the memo. (5) 19) See 12d.