Exclusive, Shocking Photos! News Editor Admits Taking Funds Jack Sheet Staff Writer Five members of The Messypolyton staff were caught in the Top Raman In, the night of March 26, engaged in excessive misconduct. Messypolyton news editor Toni Balogne admitted to witnesses that she stole the unaccounted for $133,000 in missing parking money from the Arachnid Hole Executive Club (AHEC). The following is an account by Messypolyton staff writer Jack Sheet on his eyewitness encounter of the staff's conduct. It was shocking. It was unbelievable, when Advocate photographer don lowe and I burst into room 666 of the Top Raman Inn in Westminster, I could not believe my eyes. The entire staff of The Messypolyton was spending student fee money and partying with three beer kegs. Witnesses reported seeing Mess staff members running through the ha1ls of the hotel and many residents had called to complain, said hotel manager Biff Trotsky. "One guest had a heart attack after the photo editor, Mamby Cross, began humming the theme song to Wild Kingdom." They were also engaging in horrendous sexual misconduct. Gambling was going on in one comer, and supervising it all was Messypolyton news editor Toni Balogne. Balogne, after 10 mini margaritas, fessed up: "Yeah, I took it. I'm glad. I had the saps fooled all along," she said. "It started out that I needed the money for a new microwave, but taking the money was so damn easy, I just kept it up." Later, Messypolyton editor in chief Patricia Snippy Slob led a seance using a Ouija庐 board and smoking a large mush~ room that was passed around in a Tupperware bowl. Slob cried out to the spirit of Ernest Hemingway for a homebrew recipe, but instead Elvis Presley
materialized and was immediately chased away. "I originally thought of taking the staff to California for a day at Magic Mountain, but Snippy said Magic Mountain was for sissies," Balogne said. Balogne distributed much of the stolen money among the staff members to keep them quiet. Snippy Slob said she was putting her money toward publishing her new book, "Zen Tips for Editors," and organizing a gun-running operation for Chiapas rebels in Mexico. Sports editor Captain Carnivore said he will retire and perfect the dry waterski Features editor Jefe "Scamp" Dahmer cried out that he will invest in designer Post-it notes and cat toys for the office in the Tivoli, were he will take over as editor in chief of The Messypolyton next year. He also plans to purchase the Broiler Room and annex a secret stairway for Messypolyton staff members to access it during production hours. The copy editor, Gen. Robyn Schwartzkopf, is sending her chunk to the freedom fighters of Afghanistan. Soon the staff realized my shock and horror and that I was taking notes. I escaped with lowe by the hair of our chinney chin chins, in time to publish this exclusive. The staff, however, has fled without a trace, leaving the room in disarray. The two double beds had been thrown out the window, a five-color mural depicting ancient life along the Mesopotamia had been painted onto the four walls, and six Russian dancing bears that had been reported missing from the Zahorsky Family Circus were found eating the caviar and stuffed grape leaves that were left behind. The popl\lar health food store Buckwheat ' s had catered the private party. "Well, they are our best customers, see SHOCKER page 3
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