Volume 16, Issue 26 - April 1, 1994

Exclusive, Shocking Photos! News Editor Admits Taking Funds Jack Sheet Staff Writer Five members of The Messypolyton staff were caught in the Top Raman In, the night of March 26, engaged in excessive misconduct. Messypolyton news editor Toni Balogne admitted to witnesses that she stole the unaccounted for $133,000 in missing parking money from the Arachnid Hole Executive Club (AHEC). The following is an account by Messypolyton staff writer Jack Sheet on his eyewitness encounter of the staff's conduct.

It was shocking. It was unbelievable, when Advocate photographer don lowe and I burst into room 666 of the Top Raman Inn in Westminster, I could not believe my eyes. The entire staff of The Messypolyton was spending student fee money and partying with three beer kegs. Witnesses reported seeing Mess staff members running through the ha1ls of the hotel and many residents had called to complain, said hotel manager Biff Trotsky. "One guest had a heart attack after the photo editor, Mamby Cross, began humming the theme song to Wild Kingdom."

They were also engaging in horrendous sexual misconduct. Gambling was going on in one comer, and supervising it all was Messypolyton news editor Toni Balogne. Balogne, after 10 mini margaritas, fessed up: "Yeah, I took it. I'm glad. I had the saps fooled all along," she said. "It started out that I needed the money for a new microwave, but taking the money was so damn easy, I just kept it up."

Later, Messypolyton editor in chief Patricia Snippy Slob led a seance using a Ouija庐 board and smoking a large mush~ room that was passed around in a Tupperware bowl. Slob cried out to the spirit of Ernest Hemingway for a homebrew recipe, but instead Elvis Presley

materialized and was immediately chased away.

"I originally thought of taking the staff to California for a day at Magic Mountain, but Snippy said Magic Mountain was for sissies," Balogne said.

Balogne distributed much of the stolen money among the staff members to keep them quiet. Snippy Slob said she was putting her money toward publishing her new book, "Zen Tips for Editors," and organizing a gun-running operation for Chiapas rebels in Mexico.

Sports editor Captain Carnivore said he will retire and perfect the dry waterski Features editor Jefe "Scamp" Dahmer cried out that he will invest in designer Post-it notes and cat toys for the office in the Tivoli, were he will take over as editor in chief of The Messypolyton next year. He also plans to purchase the Broiler Room and annex a secret stairway for Messypolyton staff members to access it during production hours.

The copy editor, Gen. Robyn Schwartzkopf, is sending her chunk to the freedom fighters of Afghanistan.

Soon the staff realized my shock and horror and that I was taking notes. I escaped with lowe by the hair of our chinney chin chins, in time to publish this exclusive. The staff, however, has fled without a trace, leaving the room in disarray. The two double beds had been thrown out the window, a five-color mural depicting ancient life along the Mesopotamia had been painted onto the four walls, and six Russian dancing bears that had been reported missing from the Zahorsky Family Circus were found eating the caviar and stuffed grape leaves that were left behind. The popl\lar health food store Buckwheat ' s had catered the private party.

"Well, they are our best customers, see SHOCKER page 3

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-------------------------- APRIL 1.. 1994

2

Caplan Gets

Spring Break Makeover MSCD President Shiela Caplan spent her spring break at the spacious, 100acre retreat near Elko, Nev. called "Before the Breakdown."

The week-long retreat included shouting therapy, primal regression therapy, watercolor painting of childhood memories, and, of course, mud baths, facials and hair transplants.

"I feel great," Kaplan said.

"With my new hairdo, I think peopie will take me more seriously now, even be afraid of me."

The Messypo/yton/Petunla Sweetwater

,.

NEWS !:禄pleefs Cockroaches Du Jour Today only the Student Union Cafeteria will offer Barbecued cockroaches as part of a "Southern Flavor History Month." Red beans and rice will be offered as a side dish.

"The cockroaches are free-range, and they were fed only organic rice, so there is no karma attached," one cafeteria worker said.

Cockroach Du Jour Protested

')

Several hundred students carrying signs of protest stormed the cafeteria today. One student, who asked not to be named, carried a sign that said "Meat is Murder." He said the group didn't care if the cockroaches were free-range or not.

"We will not rest as long as anything that was once alive is sold as food in this cafeteria," he said. "That includes fruits and vegetables. The students plan to chain themselves to large toothpicks that will be impaled in the ground in front of the Union.

"The toothpicks symbolize how meat irnbeds itself in our teeth and souls and refuses to leave," said Sunny "Razor Blade" Salad, the leader of the movement.

No Class No classes are being held today at Auraria Campus, because none of the instructors or students showed up.

"We were eatin' Bar-B-Q," said Deborah I. Hurled, Journalism Jargon Department Chairhead. "And several students were impaled on toothpicks. It was a nice human interest story. All my students have a feature on it due tomorrow."

Soaker Surrenders to Krsna

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AHEC Big Wig Says Near Death Experience Led Her To Give Away Life's Possessions Jean I.R. Spleen Staff Writer Big-wig cockroach JoAnn Soaker, executive vice president of Administration for AHEC, announced today that she would be liquidating all of her material assets, leaving her post at Auraria and joining a wandering band of Hare Krsna gypsies.

"I had a death experience the other day when I was drying my hair in the bathtub," Soaker said at the press conference. "Basically, a blue man appeared to me and said, 'You are not only a cockroach but also a hoarder. You路 own way too much. Free yourself of all material things and the truth shall set you free."'

Soaker then got out of the tub, dried off and called Exclusive Properties Inc. and told her agent to list the four blocks of mansions she owns off Cheesehead Park on the market. She contacted Lloyd's of London to liquidate all of her authentic Napoleonic furniture, valued at $5 million.

Soaker also owns the vacant May D& Fbuilding on the 16th Street Mall. The building will be turned into a home for child prostitutes and heroin addicts, she said.

"A few prescription junkies will be let in, provided they leave their pills at the door," Soaker said.

She also called the curator of the Museum of Modern Art in New York and offered to donate her extensive modern art collection,

including

several cans of soup by now-dead Andy Warhol.

The value of the collections was still being calculated when The Messypolyton was put to bed.

"I was into Warhol before anybody," Soaker boasted.

The bulk of the money she raises from selling all her loot will be given to People for the Ethical Rights of Animals.

"I asked that they earmark several million dollars to end the suffering of cockroaches that are being farmed for

their meat. I personally have been eating only tofu, rice, beans, fruits and vegetables since I saw the blue man in my bathroom. I told the people at PERA, 'Look, these cockroaches are living in a veritable concentration camp. It's like something out of Schindler's List.'"

To further cleanse her "soiled soul," Soaker said she would walk to the San Juan Mountains in her bathrobe, peak sev-

eral mountains and perform severe austerities at the top of each.

"One thing I will be doing will be meditating for several days on end, fasting and drinking salt water to induce vomiting," Soaker said. "In purifying the soul, one must purge herself of all reminders of her former, karmic life. I will also be changing my name, as JoAnn Soaker reminds my soul of my former, conniving self. My new name will be string bean, with all lower case letters, like bell hooks, to show my newfound humility."

After her pilgrimage to the San Juans, string bean Soaker will devote her life to spreading the word about the blue man, Lord Krsna, to other overly materialistic, power hungry cockroach 路females.

"Once in a while we might break into a pharmacy or hold up a pill-manufacturing plant to liven things up a bit," Soaker said.

Soaker's former cronies Dean "Big Bad" Wolfman, Rosemarie Da Monte Hall and Rosemary "Feta" Cheese, all expressed awe and admiration for Soaker's change of life. 路 "She'd been expressing a deep sense of remorse and sadness," Wolf said. "She felt her life as a big-wig cockroach was devoid of meaning."

.it

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Colo. Throws Out the CAT

. r

,.

Bob Cobb

. The Metropolitan/Jane Raley

Laurie Anderson entertains an Auraria campus audience March 17 with selections from her book "Stories from the Nerve Bible," and with her highly Innovative songs. See story page 10.

THE METROPOUTAN Colorado students with their eyes on a teaching career are in for some changes.

Beginning July 1, the California Achievement Test (CAI) will no longer be administered to students wishing to teach. Instead it will be replaced with a four-section PLACE test (Program for Licensing Assessments for Colorado Educators). Because of the Colorado Educator Licensing Act of 1991, the state is moving toward Licensing teachers instead of the current certification.

A new test will be administered in October and will cost $270. The CAT test costs $15 for MSCD students and $30 for anyone else.

Some Colorado educators believe the new test was agreed to by the state's Standards Board without educators' input.

"I've been trying to find out about this test since I started this position two years ago, because I knew it was coming, and everybody was mum," said John Pierce, director of Assessment and Testing at MSCD. "Next thing I know they've (the Standards Board) received bids and they have a new test, and I still don't know a Lot about it."

Leslie Swetnam, president of the Colorado Association of Teachers Educators, said although she likes the idea of having teachers on the Standards Board, she said teacher educators should have had more of an impact on decisions.

"It seems like they've taken the profession's teachers' educators out of it," Swetnam said. "There was only one of us on the Standards Board."

At its March 11 meeting, the Board of Trustees for the State Colleges in Colorado passed a resolution expressing concern in the way the testing process was designed and the lack of communication during the process.

In a March 10 meeting at the Colorado Department of Education, Tony Montoya, assistant to the dean of Letters, Arts and Sciences, said a recurring theme was that the educators were "blindsided."

Montoya said he had little sympathy for educators who act like they don't know what's going on.

"It's not their (the state's) fault," Montoya said.

"The CAT was gone technically three to four years ago ... one of the things that troubles me is that nobody knew what was going on."

While Pierce said the CAT exam is basic and outdated, the new PLACE exam, administered by the Massachusetts-based firm National Evaluation Systems, is too expensive and does not leave much room for error.

"These people (the firm) are making this test and sending their people to adminiSter the test. If you don't

see EXAM page 4

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3

TuE METROPOLITAN

~~4NE \Y s-~~~~~-

1r is h Debates Reach End of Era Jesse Stephenson

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THE METROPOUTAN On St. Patrick's Day Auraria students and faculty bid farewell to one of the college's oldest traditions.

March 17 marked the final day of "Friends of the Irish" debate. It is the 15th and final year a team of debaters from Ireland came to match wits against an MSCD team while delighting a packed audience with a hearty dose of clever Irish humor.

MSCD Speech Professor Gary Holbrook, coordinator and founder of the Friends of the Irish debate series, said coordinating the series has had many rewards, but it's time he set his sights beyond the debates.

"I would have more regrets if I didn't realize it's time to move on," he said.

Judy Wallace, director of MSCD forensics, said the Irish debaters are notorious for giving their American audiences

The Metropolitan/Jane Raley

David Rapp, left, of the MSCD debate team, listens to Irish team member Bernard Dunlea 's rebuttal.

a pun for their money. The 1-::,.: --------------------.--.----------------.

Irish tend to be focused on presentation and humorous inter-' action with onlookers, while American debaters rely more heavily on solid logical evidence during formal debate, she said.

This difference in debating style is reflective of debate tradition within the two cultures. In • Ireland, debate is an integral part of everyday life and is a prime source of entertainment for large audiences. American debates are rarely a public event so Americans do not prepare to persuade a raucous crowd as the Irish do, Wallace said.

Bernard Dunleavy, a member of the Irish Debate team, The Metropolitan/Jane Raley said he finds American audiences to be extremely hospitable Irish debater Dara O'Brlain speaks to the audience and debaters near the end of the event For many, the final Irish debate at the and downright easy to win over compared plenty of rhetoric and Aristotelian logic to audiences in Ireland, which he described spiked with imaginative language, he Auraria campus was a bittersweet occasion.

"I'm sad to see it end," said Carl as antagonistic and much harder to gain said. support from. According to Dunleavy, "We can educate through entertain- Johnson, chair the MSCD speech department. The Irish debaters have been without where his team fudges in solid logic and fac- ment," Holbrook said.

Although the debate is not formally fail "extremely witty and very enjoyable." tual information, it can easily made up for in Mark Munning, a member of Irish charm. judged, Holbrook said he tells student This reliance on charm and Irish jibe debaters they are the winners because "Harmonica Madness," the harmonica was demonstrated not only during but they bad a chance to hear a different point quartet that performed Irish jigs before the debate, said he is sorry to see the series end. after the debate. Irish team member Dara of view.

"I'm sad, disappointed, just nostal• Holbrook conceived the idea of bringO'Briain, told The Metropolitan h!s team gic," he said. Munning was a debater for leamed of the debates' topic merely three ing an Irish debating team to Colorado in hours earlier and had made up most of the 1979. He said he was impressed by the the MSCD team in 1989.

Holbrook's vision for the future is a statistics used in their argument.

Irish debaters' 1978 performance in the new venture called The Friends of Ireland.

Dunleavy laughed as he defended British Isles Debate Finals.

O'Briain's admission of using the ficti"I was quite taken that the Irish won This program, which is in its inaugural year, will bring Irish authorities in the areas tious statistics. "Most are white lies, they the top two places." didn't hurt anyone," he said.

The Colorado-based Adolph Coors of art, literature and politics to the campus.

Holbrook said be dido 't expect the Holbrook said he believes experienc- Co. agreed to help Holbrook get the idea ing interaction as a debater or a member off the ground by becoming the first debate series to continue for so long and of the audience is richly rewarding. underwriter for the Friends of the Irish the experience has been wonderful.

"Debate has been an interesting life It affords members of the Auraria debate series. It has grown ever since. community an opportunity to learn first- This year the Irish debaters toured 40 for me," Holbrook said. "I've really been blessed." hand about Irish debate, which involves American campuses.

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Price of Exam Too Costly, Educators Say EXAM from page 1 make (pass) it, you're hurting," Pierce said.

With the new PLACE test, if a student fails the basic skills section (which will replace the CAT), the student will have to wait three to four months before a retest can be taken.

In addition, future teachers will have to pass tests in liberal arts and sciences, professional knowledge and content fields.

Montoya had differing views concerning the costs and convenience of the exam.

"A lot of people are complaining about the costs but also want the exam administered more often. Well, the more often they administer the exam, the more expensive it will be," Montoya said. "They .still have to come and administer it."

Swetnam said another concern is that Colorado educators have not seen the new

test, nor is there a way to determine if the new test is better.

"There's no plan for telling if the new tests work," Swetnam said. "They have no way of saying five years from now, 'this worked, look at how much better our teachers are.'"

Pierce agreed.

"There's already a ton of tests out there," Pierce said. "I don't understand why Colorado has to reinvent the wheel."

Pierce also had some doubts about the effectiveness of the test.

"Nobody has seen it, and they're changing it July 1. I'm not sure that you'll be a better teacher just because you can pass a tougher test-and I'm in assessment," he said.

In addition to the cost and retesting procedures of the new exam, testing will not begin until Oct. 22, four months after

the last of the CAT exams.

"The law starts July 1, but the test won't be made available until October 22.

That's one of the frustrations for the students. I mean they're here saying, 'I need this test and I'm willing to take this test.

Where's the test?' And it won't be here until October 22," Swetnam said.

Montoya said he believes the new standards will improve the quality of educators.

As far as the steep $270 price tag, Montoya defended it by saying it is somewhere in the middle nationally.

"It's a matter of quality and price," Montoya said. "This company (NES) simply delivered a better test at a better price."

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APRIL 1, 1994

THE METROPOLITAN

5

MSCD Moves Toward Future with Phone Voting

'.

Jean E.R. Straub STAFF WRITER

•

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Have you ever voted by telephone?

You will.

Just like the AT&T commercial promises, we'll all be embracing new technology in the near future. Except the future is today at MSCD. Voting by telephone will become a reality during the MSCD Student Government elections the week of April 11.

"This is the first program of its kind in the country," said Maggie Miller, director of Student Activities. "I think that it will probably serve as a role model for other communities or institutions."

Student Trustee Matthew Bates agreed.

"This is how we see voting potential1y happening in the future," he said.

"Voting by mail was one step forward.

This is two steps forward."

Voting by phone is much more costeffective, he said, because the election makes use of the touch-tone information technology students already use for registration and to check their financial aid status.

The security system is the same. ''It will lock you out if you try to vote a second time," Bates said. ''It keeps track of who votes and when, but not how they vote."

The results will be tallied electronically, and within a half-hour of poll-closing, the preliminary numbers will be available. Elected officials will be sworn in April 22.

Voting by telephone is the product of a November brainstorming session between Bates and Karen Thorpe, assistant vice president of Student Affairs. The two were discussing ways to increase student participation. A mere 86 students voted in the last election on the new Student Government constitution.

MSCD student Mary Walden, 28, a Spanish major, said she has not voted in an MSCD election for more than five years, but that she will definitely vote in this election.

"It's just so much easier," she said.

Another MSCD student, Sam Gould, 20, a computer science major, concurred.

He said he has voted on campus in past elections and that more advantages are apparent in telephone voting.

"The security is better, and the votes will be counted more quickly," he said.

Other than increased voter participation, another goal for the election is participation by non-Auraria Campus students, such as students from Metro at the Mall and Metro North and South.

"The other factor is simply making voting available to the nontraditional student that is not on campus everyday," Bates said. "We're allowing equal opportunity for every MSCD student to vote."

Also for the first time, Student Government will run four touch-tone survey questions regarding athletic scholarships, childcare services, published faculty evaluations and student fees.

Students will be able to vote from 3:30 a.m. to 11 p.m. April 11-14. The cutoff time will be 6 p.m. Friday, April 15.

Bates said Student Government will make every attempt to get students to vote, including inviting cellular phone companies to demonstrate their wares on campus during election week.

Who's Running ASMSCD President: Megan Reyes ASMSCD Vice President Positions: Student Fees: Mark Shannon Student Services: Eric Higgins PersonneVFinance: Amy Haimerl Diversity: Julie Imada Elias Diggins Student Organi2:ations: Brooke McMalcen Academic Affairs~ Oayton Steneroden,

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THE METROPOLITAN

6

MSCD Student Dies in Aurora Shooting Jesse Stephenson The Metropolitan An MSCD student of criminal justice and criminology was fatally wounded during a firearms instruction course at the Aurora Police Training Academy March 26.

Michael Eric Gitzen, 23, was training to fulfill his longtime dream of becoming a policeman when a classmate shot him accidentally, according to Aurora police.

He died at the scene. Aurora police are ihvestigating the shooting.

Gitzen, known as Eric, was a senior at Rangeview High School when be decided to pursue a career in law-enforcement.

According to bis father, Michael Gitzen, Eric went on a 'ride-along' with an Aurora police officer for a Police Officer Explorer program and decided it was what be wanted to do. He quickly climbed to top positions in the program and achieved the rank of sergeant before he graduated, his father said.

After graduation from Rangeview, Eric enrolled at MSCD and planned to graduate from the college in June.

Angela De La Torre, an MSCD criminal justice and criminology professor, said Eric was anxious to begin his career and had the skills to succeed.

"I had no doubt that he would be a

young boy, his father took him aside and policeman," she said.

As part of his course study in crimi- coached him in little league baseball.

Later his athletic interests switched nal justice, Eric had been an intern for the Westminster Police departments' burglary from baseball to lacrosse, and he was unit since last November. Sgt. Kevin named an all-state player for the Sailor, Eric's supervisor during the intern- Rangeview lacrosse team. Eric's wife, ship, said he was very reliable and often Abbey taught him to water and snow ski during her family's vacations, his father worked on weekends and evenings.

"He was a real dedicated, hard work- said.

Aside from his athing kid," he said. letic interests, Eric Eric's work at the 'He was bud.' loved his dogs and his police department involved many ride-Michael Gitzen cars. He enjoyed playalongs as well as enterEric's Father ing with his pet ing data into a comput- - - - - - - - - - - - - Dachshunds as well as er. Sailor said Eric always had a good atti- with his '68 Firebird and his dream cartude and was happy to get his foot in the an '86 4x4 Toyota truck.

Gitzen said the time he and Eric spent door.

Eric's chances of becoming a cop together, working on their vehicles and doing other everyday things like fishing, were excellent, Sailor said.

"He just bad the right personality and make bittersweet memories.

"He was my bud," his father said. "I character traits," he said. "He was really doing a good job with us. We're really have no regrets because everything I did with him I loved." going to miss him."

Dae Nelson, 20, a friend Eric had According to Michael Gitzen, Eric known since birth, said he has many fond was very clean-cut and honest.

"From a very early age be never took memories of him. Nelson was in first grade any candy, never lied." when he bought bis first bike from Eric.

"It was a little yellow thing with a Throughout his life, Eric excelled academically and athletically. Although banana seat," he said.

When Nelson entered his freshman he suffered a heart defect that discouraged him from participating in sports as a year in high school, Eric, a senior at the

my

time, made sure Nelson stayed out of trouble while encouraging him to excel as his teammate on the lacrosse team.

Nelson described Eric as the pioneer of Rangeview lacrosse because be helped keep the team together after one of the team's coaches left the school, and Eric was the first player to go all-state. Eric also helped clothe Nelson, his jerseyless teammate, by literally giving him the shirt off his back.

"He gave me his all-state jersey his senior year so I had my own," he said.

Nelson considered his longtime friend his big brother. Eric treated him accordingly by indulging in friendly whocan-swing-higher competitions as kids, and more recently, Eric used Nelson as his guinea pig to practice skills like handcuffing and frisking, which he learned from bis police training.

Eric's mother, Doneita Gitzen, said she worried about the danger of her son becoming an officer. She recalls Eric telling her not to worry, that if he got hurt, that's just the way it is.

His mother said Eric was willing to take that risk because he wanted to make the world a better place.

"I don't think you could find a better person," she said. ''He was the most wonderful thing that ever happened in my life."

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Speed. Power. And more speed. That's what the new Power Macintosh- is all about. It's a like statistical analysis, multimedia, 3-D modeling and much more. So, what are you ~1acintosh' with PowerPC· technology. Which makes it an waiting for? V1Sit your Apple Campus Reseller for more inThe new Power Macintosh from Apple. incredibly fast personal computer. And the possibilities are formation and see for yourself. Now Annli J. endle$. Became now you'll have the power you need for high-perfonnance applications that Power Macintosh is here, college may never be the same. nppie •

Auraria Book Center Auraria Student Union • 556-3726 M-Th: 7:30am-6:00pm, Fri: 7:30am-5:00vm, Sat: 10:00am-3:00pm *Price does not include sa1es tax

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THE METROPOLITAN

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STU

lhe~

MER CO(P

:

This summer, attend Colorado State and earn credits during 4-, 8-, or 12-week terms.

Courses begin May 16, June 13 and July 11 No formal admission requirements

Call for a free '94 Summer Bulletin 1-800-854-6456

•tnpolt•

11it Sllclelt Dtvelop••lf C.rer at State Colege of Diner Is seekllg applcmts for ... poslllots of Per Aclvlsor.

11itre •• 5-10 opemmgs avalaWe for ... F.. 1994.

Re9PON6IBIWTl£S

The peer Advisors will be responsible for ossistilg enrolled MSm students tlvough vmious retention activities.

These indude unofficial pre-academic: advising and poro-prcdessionol cOUllSHng, making referrals 1o appropriate offices, mointoiling student records, participating in regular training workshops, attend ..tatory bi-w.-Jy llMlilgs, assist the secretarial staff, and provide general assistance to students in need.

OuAuP1ar10Hs

• Junior or Serior Status (60 uedit units or more completed.)

• Enrolled at MSm as a full time student for the lost two consecutive semesters (12 units completed per semester).

• Minimum MSCD G.P.A. 2.75 • Ful time status.

• Ability to relate to people from different bock"ounds.

• U.S. Otizen or permanent residents.

• Ability to work 10-12 hours per week in 3 hour blocks.

• Demonstrate good oral and written communication skils.

• Demonstrate mirimum computer sk~ls-WordPerfect, Database slu11s a plus.

• Hove good bask knowledge of MSCD policies and procedwes.

Applcmts must 11bmit Ill advmcr.

• Aletter of interest • Acurrent resume • Copy of your most recent transcript • Two letters of recommendation (one must be from MSCD faculty member)

Please s.-lt yow appMcatiol to: Ms. Rebecca Solinas, Counselor Student Development Center Metropotrtan State College of Denver Central Classroom 120, Box 42 Denver, CO 80204

UFOS: TliE IiIDDEN 1-IISTORY -.

A Lecture by Robert Hastings

Metro Senior Emmy Awards Wednesday, April 27, 1994 St. Francis Center St. Francis Way and Speer Boulevard • Auraria Campus

Reception - 4:00 p.m. • Awards Ceremony - 5:00 p.m.

Spomored by the Metropolitan State Colltge of Denver Development Office and S.O.A.R. Alumni Association chapters will be repmented • Each senior may invite one guest

Please RSVP by April 18, 1994 • 556-8320

For the past 27 years, Robert Hastings has researched reports of UFO sightings and landings. Using documents recently made available by the Freedom of Information Act, Mr. Hastings has determined that UFOs do indeed exist and that they are a matter of great concern at the highest levels of the U.S. Air Force and the intelligence community.

.ll'fhere is an abundance of hard evidence at this time of a continuing cover-up."

Robert Hastings

Mr. Hastings, an electron microscopist from Albuquerque, New Mexico spends several weeks a year travelling the country lecturing on UFOs and has appeared at over 300 colleges and universities. Mr. Hastings believes we are on the threshold of an extremely exciting period in the history of Mankind and has made a commitment to bring the facts about UFOs to the public.

Monday April 4 1:00 pm Student Union Room 330 C For More InformationCall 556-4247

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THE METROPOLITAN

8

EDITORl .;\L cartoon Questioned The Metropolitan would like to apologize to the Board of Directors of G.P. Holding, Inc., for context of a cartoon by former Metropolitan cartoonist Jefferson Powers.

The editor in chief believed the incidents and characters depicted in the cartoon to be fictitious, when in fact they portrayed real people.

I salute the three gentlemen and their aspirations for the social good of youths in Denver and apologize for any misrepresentation of their intentions or the individuals.

I wish them luck.

Patricia Sydney Straub Editor in Chief The Metropolitan

Qt J<rrE C)F 'THE WEEK

"The obligation to endure gives us the right to know.'; -Jean Rostand THE METROPOLITAN welcomes letters to the editor from the students and faculty of Auraria. Deadline for letters to the editor is 10 a.m. Monday.

Submissions must be typed or submitted on a Macintosh compatible disk.

Letters under 250 words will be considered first.

THE METROPOL/'IAN reserves the right to edit copy to conform to the limitations of space. Libelous or offensive material will not be published. Letters will be printed on a space-available basis. Letters must include name, student ID number, title, school and phone number. All letters become proper.ty of THE METROPOLITAN upon submission.

For more information call 556-8361.

Cartoon Strip Not Fiction Editor and Staff of The Metropolitan: It is our legal responsibility to inform you of the repercussions our corporation (G.P. Holding, Inc., d/b/a/ State of Colorado as SAGA Inc.) suffered as a result of your recently published series of editorial cartoons . There is no question that the artist, Jefferson Powers, had the intent to carry out his personal vendetta against a member of our board of directors through his talent and your publications.

Though we cannot apologize for being resourceful, in an effort to protect the reputation of our corporation, the board of directors voted to file suit against Mr. Jefferson Powers and Ms. Patricia S. Straub. As a result of our conversation last week with Ms. Straub, we are under the understanding that Mr. Powers failed to explain that his strip was not about a hypothetical or fictional situation, thus we have decided to come to compromise.

The editorials in question contain specific reference to three members of G.P. Holding, Inc., and include a misleading mixture of fraudulent and factual material regarding the reputation of those board members. Because the cartoonist, Mr. Powers, was acting within the scope of his employment by The Metropolitan, legal responsibility falls not only upon Mr. Powers, but the publication itself. Therefore, the editorial staff has agreed to allow us the opportunity to use the same venue that communicated the alleged libelous information to correct the misrepresentation.

G.P. Holding, Inc. is a corporation founded in 1993 in the State of Colorado by three native Coloradans. The project in focus is a non-alcoholic dance facility that will cater specifically to those indi-

viduals under the age of 21. Several projects are~to be implemented through the corporation known as SAGA, Inc. which will include, but is not limited to, G.E.D. (General Education Diploma) scholarships, addiction reform, anti-gun/anti-violence campaigns, etc. some of which are already in effect.

The information pertaining to the personal histories of the Board of Directors whether fraudulent or factual is private and irrelevant, and is not subject to public scrutiny. However, we are not opposed to disclosing that information to individuals or organizations with legitimate business or financial concerns.

The Board of Directors of G.P. Holding, Inc., would like to thank Kate Lutrey and Patricia S. Straub for the opportunity to clarify our position, and would like to extend that gratitude to the readers of The Metropolitan for their concern.

Sincerely, SAGA, Inc.

Kindness is Returned to the Giver Through the mountains of life there is a great valley that separates people from family, friends, and at times even strangers from forming stronger relationships. That valley is the valley of empathy.

There is no bridge between the two banks of the empathy river flowing with feeling and understanding of the situation of another.

At times it seems that people do not even know that the river exists. Some people are afraid to go near it because of what others might think. Some are afraid of the invasion of their personal time. The bridges of empathy can be built step by step by

slowing down and considering others. Let that car merge in front of you. Open doors for older people.

Call an old friend! Every bit of kindness you give will be returned to you sometime. It does good to give!

When the bridge is built you may even go down to the banks of the river, taking off your shoes to enjoy life and do what singer/songwriter Elvis Costello does, "Dip your toes in the milk of human kindness."

Julie Capp MSCD Student

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THE METROPOLITAN

You Are Nothing, If Not a Hound Dog MSCD Student

, by the Rev. Mort Farndu

the first time. As minister for the First Preslyterian Most of us are too busy having fun, making money and getting laid to think much about religion.

Church, I've brought many people to Elvis. I've seen, But being a Reverend, not to mention being first-hand, the awesome power of the King and I depressed, broke and celibate, I think about it all the know how terrifying it can be.

But I ask you to overcome that fear. To accept time.

Him into your heart and let not His terrible judgment > For just a moment, then, I'll ask that you walk past the smorgasbord of worldly pleasures arrayed be passed upon you, as it was passed, during His before you, and embark with me on a spiritual jourlife, on all who denied Him. I ask you to be someney. A journey inward, to the place thing more than a hound dog. To philosophers and artists, from Aristotle finally kill a rabbit and be a friend of to Aretha, have called the human soul, His! , . that mystical place where the holy Won't you accept Him now, at spirit dwells. last?

Won't you love Him tender, You know that That's right: I want you to get in love Him true? If you do, He will touch ... with Elvis. Can't you hear Elvis has a hunk return that love to sender a thouhim, crooning in your heart, throbbing of burning love sandfold. And not with any pie-inlike a bass that's been playing in the either, but with your just for whosoever the-sky, desserts right here on earth.

'- background all along? Can't you see him, sneering and swaggering like he believeth in Him.' Because we Preslyterians owns the world- are you not blinded believe that the King commands us by his glorious sequins and gaudy to enjoy the smorgasbord. He excess? Can you not feel his Divine wants us to indulge ourselves, to Corpulence filling your body until it's overindulg~ He wants us to gorge •bloated beyond recognition and ready ourselves, in fact. For by so doing, to explode with holy rapture? we praise and glorify the name of Elvis, He who I think you can. hardly skimped at the banquet of life.

You can because He's been there all the tim~ The King's commandments are not easily kept, I and you know it. Because, deep down, you already· know. But Elvis is a forgiving god, there is yet time to come unto Him. He is waiting for you at the neighbelieve in the resurrection of Elvis. You've seen the reports in the Weekly World News- how much more borhood bar, the nearest fast-food restaurant, the ~-proof do you need that Elvis was divine? You know next party. He has your table reserved even now; that Elvis is the King for He died upon the throne. you are holding His invitation in your hands at this very moment. He is waiting to greet you with a big You know you must not worship false gods like Michael Jackson and Madonna. sweaty hug, whether you've been a non-believer, an You know that Elvis has a hunk of burning love idolater, or worse: a disciple who founded a church in His name and has fallen from grace . . ._for whosoever believeth in Him. So, now, if you'll excuse me, I think I hear the Don't be cruel- don't reject that love. I know you may be feeling all shook up, touching His spirit for band starting to play ...

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THE

lVIE'I'ROPOLllAN

P\TRICI.\ SYll'~EY STR:\llB EDITOR IN ClllEF

ROBY:\! SCHWARTZ COPY EDrr<m

AYrOl:\IE'ITE VECCHIO NEWS EDITOR

JEFF STRAITON FEATl l lU~ S EDITOR

ANDREW MOSIER SPOlffS EDITOR

ANDY CROSS PHOTO EDITOR

HEIDI HOLLINGSWORTH ScorrIE MENIN EDITORIAL ASSISTANTS

DAVE FLOMBERG, JEAN E.R. STRAUB STAFF WRITERS

CHRIS AZHARIAN ABIGAIL CIEZADLO JANE RALEY STAFF PHOTOGRAPllERS

MIKE BEDAN, MARK CICERO BOB COBB, CHUCK MINDENHALL JESSE STEPHEN SO'.'!

BRIANS. TERRETT REPORTERS

VER.\ FLORES, KYLE LOVING BILL l\1cCONNELL, JEFF POWERS GRAPHIC ARTISTS

ALFONSO SUAZO

Abortion is Wrong Religiously, -scientifically and Ethically There are so many disturbing and startling comments in your March 4, 1994 editorial "Keep Your Church out of my Womb" that it is difficult to form a \ short, well-prepared response. The lack of coherence and logic in your arguments makes one ask oneself if you really know what you're talking about.

Many of your sentences make absolutely no sense at all.

First, I don't see the connection between Freedom of Religion and abortion any more than a ·connection between Freedom of Speech and slander. The one does not lead to the other. I have a right to the free use of my speech, but not to the injury of another person's character. In the same way, just because I have the freedom to chose my religion doesn't mean that I can do whatever I please 'in the name of that religion. After all, we profess as Americans that all men are created equal and have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

We believe this things to be universally binding; there are no exceptions, no matter what your religion says. So to justify abortion in the name of your own personal religious beliefs carries no weight whatsoever. If my personal religious beliefs are that women are created only to be the sexual servants of men, it doesn't follow that Freedom of Religion guarantees the exercise of that belief {e.g., rape, coerced sex, etc.). Since you justify abortions based on your religious beliefs, you are the one forcing your religion ~nus.

Second, I believe you better re-check your definition of incarnation. Last I read, incarnation meant "to become flesh." At fertilization a new being comes into existence with its own genetic code; it already has become flesh (came) [albeit one-celled; Biology teaches us that flesh is nothing more than billions of

....

cells]. So, if abortion just "temporarily disappoints a soul seeking incarnation," then what is incarnation?

At what point are you going to call that "fetus" flesh?

A very illogical belief on your part.

Third, if you think that RU-486 is going to bring women out of the "Stone Age," then you are very misinformed. You obviously show no knowledge of the effects of RU-486 on a woman's body. It can be just as dangerous as current abortion procedures, and it's worth noting that one of the reasons it hasn't been approved by the FDA is because of its harmful effects. It's a far cry from popping a few pills and then going on with life as usual. Favoring RU-486 without revealing this information to your readers is a dangerous deception. Lastly, it is a cop-out to blame poverty and society's ills on those who are pro-life and religious. Religious groups are responsible for a great portion of social services to the masses. So great, in fact, that our government needs their help in combating the problems that face our nation.

It is unfortunate that you don't realize that you could have been one of those fetuses that were aborted. You didn't chose to be born or to come into this world {if you think you did, then I challenge you to prove it to your readers in your next editorial).

What makes you think you can tell someone else he or she can't? Abortion is not only wrong religiously, it wrong scientifically and ethically. Support your view with science. I'll support mine with it. And you're right. This is a free country, but you can't believe whatever you want. That's not freedom. That's anarchy.

Doug Archer UCO Student

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ADVERTISING l\ilANAGER

MARIA C. RODRIGUEZ ADVERTISING STAFI-.

CORI~A M. LA~DEROS OFFICE MA:\AGEI{

DEB FLORIN KELLY R.\YMOND OFFICE ST\FF

KELLY RAYMO:\ID DISTRIHLJTION

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KATE LUTREY DIRECTOR OF STUDENT PUBLICATIONS TELEPllONE NnmERS

EDITORIAL 556-2507 AD\' ERTISING 556-8361

No person may, without prior written permission of The Metropolitan take more than one copy of each weekly issue. Tllis Is a publication by and for students of Metropolitan State College of Denver, supported by advertising revenue and MSCD student fees. The Metropolitan is published every Friday during the academic year and is distributed to all campus buildings. Any questions, compliments and/or comments should be directed to the MSCD Board of Publications, c/o THE METROPOLITAN. Opinions expressed within are those of the writers and do not necessarily reflect those of THE METROPOLITAN or its advertisers. Deadline for calendar items is 5 p.m. Friday. Deadline for press releases is Monday 10 am. The display advertising deadline is 3 p.m.

Friday. Classified ad deadline is Noon Monday. Editorial and business offices are located in Student Union Room 156, 955 Lawrence St. Mailing address: Campus Box 57, P.O. Box 173362, Denver, CO 80217-3362. All rights resefVed. The Metropolitan is printed on reqr. cled

10

THE METROPOUTAN

APRIL

1, 1994

Wilcox's Second Love

Laurie

Birkenstocked fans of David Wilcox filled the Ogden Theatre March 19 to hear his alternately soothing and rowdy acoustic sixstring and often cathartic lyrics.

Wilcox entered stage left with no introduction. He stood all night playing into the audience, the audience playing into him. Using techniques he says he picked up from college theatre classes, he quickly connected to the audience, growing bolder in his characteristic sarcasm that shows in his voice and his face .

"I'm way too shy," he said in an interview before the show. He's a quiet man, but he clearly loves performing.

"It's a real privilege (to play in front of people). The energy is really strong. It feels GREAT. You've got to be responsive to everybody ... you can orchestrate the emotion of the room ... you're giving everybody permission to feel."

And orchestrate he does. His -rh M t lit .1A d mellow, emotional baritone only ,, e e ropo an1 n y improves with a live performance, even though it was cracking a bit "The thing 1do best is wheelies." from a cold at the start of the deeper, personal concepts that flow show. And his guitar skills seem to out of the complexity of his lyrics. have improved even since his last Wilcox elaborated on this seemrelease, Big Horizon. His unique ingly uncharacteristic attraction for acoustics depend heavily on alternative someone so spiritually grounded. tunings of his guitar. Rarely does he "I definitely do personify vehicles. use a standard tuning and often uses a I let myself believe that it's just part of self-tailored capo that leaves one or this whole miraculous universe and more strings free. These unusual why not expect miracles? I have an adjustments, as well as his poetic unusual communication with machinwords, are evidently influenced by the ery and that gets expressed in my person he says had the biggest impact music. But it's a very mechanized kind on his music-Joni Mitchell. of world ... and you can either feel Wilcox taught himself to play more and more isolated, or if you realwhile studying humanities and reli- ly want to tum the whole logic upside gions in college. down, you can imagine that the spirit is He revved up the audience early in the machine and it becomes a spirit with "Rusty Old American Dream," a world. I mean, why not?" song that parallels himself with a clasWilcox's newest works sound sic tail-fin car. His affinity to motor- increasingly spiritual. When asked if ized vehicles is evident in many of his he calls himself a Christian, Wilcox songs and something he spoke of in the responded: interview.

"It depends on who's asking. I go "Music is probably the thing I do to friends' churches sometimes and second best. The thing I do best is people are saying things like ... 'AIDS wheelies." is God's punishment.' They're not askBut songs like "Eye of the ing me if I Jove who they love, they're Hurricane,"-which the audience asking me if I hate who they hate. I cheered as soon as they heard the tell- feel very scared about that ... I don't tale intro- are songs that reflect much

I wasn't quite sure what to expe~ t this performance. Laurie Anderson become known for her spoken word sh lately, nearly as much as her multim1 musical ones. Laurie's March 17 per mance at the Auraria Events Center w musically-tinged reading from her : Harper/Collins book, "Stories fi'bm Nerve Bible," but she threw in a few t fide songs as well. After the show, invited the audience to participate in a q tion-and-answer session and gave an ii view to The Metropolitan.

Anderson took the crowd through a travelogue of interesting trips, both in the United States and all over the world.

She's compiling, among other profiles, a composite of the typical American, and her wry, detached social critiques were both amused and amusing. She's practically a sitdown comedian with a keyboard.

Her phrasing and intonations during her monologues are made effective by the . way she inserts Laurie Anderson dramatic pauses between words .. ~I this, or with a special emphasis on ti last ... word.

Her sing-song narratives were ac1 panied by washes of synthetic white 1 punctuated by chiming bells, as we insect and bird sounds. "My sh~w complete without several flocks of bi she said.

She also played her unusual ele violin, which she plucked, strummed stroked with a bow. It was heavily tre as was a second microphone that she as an "audio mask," synthetically alt1 her voice, raising or lowering the pitch used this effect to carry on dialogues herself.

Laurie's anecdotes ranged from a fated appearance on the David Lette show to her late-70s experiences as cot an Andy Kaufman's sidekick in New City. She described her travels to e

by robyn schwartz want to send people away from my music because I feel like my music can lead people to something.

He attributes the more upbeat tone of his new release to having resolved a lot of personal issues and being more grounded.

He said many of his songs are "confessional" and are therapeutic to him.

Wilcox also has an uncanny satirical humor to his stage presence.

He explained on stage that "That's What The Lonely Is For" is a song rejoicing in the heart's capacity, and that how he used to fear getting lost in his.

He said the problem with human beings is that they're "smart enough to know they're unhappy but dumb enough not to know why." This song, like many of his others, is almost lullaby-like in its ability to comfort, but with Cross lyrics much more sophisticated and honest than a lullaby's.

Although Wilcox's voice is serene, it is not an opiate.

He kept the audience captivated between songs with his characteristic monologues, which he recites like a beat poet, including a hysterical one about highway violence that made the room erupt with laughter louder than the earlier applause. He also proved his skill with blues-y guitar with this monologue and other numbers like "Strong Chemistry" and his elegy to jazz great Chet Baker with "Chet Baker's Swan Song."

He played a well-integrated mixture of songs from all four of his releases.

Before the end of the show, he thanked the audience for "curing" the hoarseness in his voice.

"I'm grateful for the energy. I'm also thankful that you cured me."

Wilcox betrayed his shyness at the close of the show by blushing and looking genuinely embarrassed by the applause. His "last" song was really just the beginning of an "In the Mood"- style ending. He -came back for three separate encores, with the audience demanding more.

SPEND SPRING IN MEXIOO! Casa Bonita, the world's largest Mexican restaurant, is now hiring for our front and back area staff.

Starting pay for back area staff is $5.2'2 per hour. We offer very flexible scheduling. The perfect job for students.

Come join our family and secure Your Spring and Summer job!

Apply in person at 6715 W. Colfax Ave., Lakewood, Monday 路 Thursday, 2p.m. 路 5p.m. or call 232-5115 to make an appointment.

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s Stories lby jeff stratton om 1as locations including remote villages in IWS Mexico and Bali, staying in thatched huts dia with the natives, giving gifts to monarchs, or- and learning about local mythologies, cuss a toms and foods. ~w One tale was about her experience with r..P an Israeli customs official who was overly )na interested in her stage pyrotechnics. " We ;he can get you much better stuff than this," he .es- told her. Another story was about her :er- Southern Baptist grandmother, who looked forward to the end of the world. Her firea n d - brimstone message took her to Japan.

According to Laurie, her grandmother wanted to convert Buddhists to Christianity by using gestures, sign language and hymns in English."

Laurie stayed away from being overtly political or opinionated.She made it clear that she's not a vegetarian, because she talked about eating critters and possum in the Kentucky hills and cooking The Metropolitan/Jane Raley bratwurst with a lamp cord in a reconstructs her fables.

German hotel room.

They only take three seconds.

Some of the stories, detailed as they )m- were, bordered on the unbelievable. But if )iSe anyone can hitchhike from their Manhattan I as loft to the geographic North Pole, surviving m't only on high-protein paste, it's Laurie lis~ Anderson. ' Mid-concert, Laurie let loose with one :tric of her first songs, the impossibly strange and and high-strung "Walk the Dog." Toward ted, the end of the evening, she debuted a few 1Sed new songs from her upcoming album. ri.Ilg Coming on the heels of another familShe iar song, "White Lily," and bearing a strong ivith sonic resemblance, "Poison" documents a mental breakdown and is anchored by the ill- ghostly refrain of "Did I drink some poinan son?/But I don't remember now/Did I do edi- something in another lifetime/That was 'orle really see LAURIE page 14 otic really, mean?"

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1994

11

THE METROPOLITAN

lby jeff sfrattol'\

I

ideV\tical twiV\s

shorter and much less lively, with the band members staring at the stage and barely acknowledging the audience. The Ogden performance was longer and much more energetic. A much more animated Guthrie moved around and smiled quite a bit, in contrast to his dour mood at the Paramount. Fraser was often overcome by embarrassment as the adulating crowd showered her with praise, calling her back for three triumphant encores. .

Liz' voice, which is Cocteau Twins to most people, was full of jubilant exuberance. She trilled and tremeloed, punctuating the songs with screams, shrieks, and squeals.

At times, I got the feeling she was trying too hard to duplicate all of her multi-tracked vocal parts from her recordings. Her voice ran circles around cartwheels.

And the only other negative thing I can say is that the older songs they played were exactly the same ones they did at the Paramount in 1991. Twelve of the 16 tunes they played then were repeated at the Ogden. The only major difference in the repertoire was the inclusion of the four best songs from their most recent record. And although "Sugar Hiccup" was a pleasant surprise, I would have loved to have heard " Pearly Dewdrops' Drops" or "Pepper-Tree" or "Donimo."

But quibbles about their choice of songs aside, I must admit I was mightily impressed by the fact that the Twins have dumped their drum machine and turned into-well-a real band. As biased as I am (Cocteau Twins have been my favorites since I first heard Treasure in 1984) I can actually say that they are as good live as they are on record-a statement that would have been a·lie in the past.

When they first played here, they showed us that they're real people, not angels or saints like their heavenly music would suggest. The stunned reverence that the audience showed them last time wasn't their cup of tea, obviously . They wanted us sweaty, noisy and drunk.

This time around, we were, and a splendid time was guaranThe Metropolitan/Andy Cross teed-for all.

Cocteau Twins fans are a faithful bunch. Loyal almost to the point of fanaticism, a sold-out, all-ages crowd braved extremely high ticket prices ($25) to pack the Ogden Theatre on Friday, March 25.

The Ogden's main floor was without seating for this performance, so that even more people could be squeezed in. Even the pit area in front of the stage was full of 100 or so of the frenzied fans, firmly entrenched, hoping for a clear view of their idols.

While unobstructed views may have been scarce, no matter where one stood, it wasn't hard to hear the Twins.

The first few songs suffered from an uneven sound mix that took singer Liz Fraser's high-pitched histrionics to the pain threshold-and beyond. The problem was eventually corrected, and the rest of the show was still high on the decibel scale, but not obnoxiously so.

Opening with the gloriously majestic "Pur," the Twins downplayed their latest release, Four-Calendar Cafe, concentrating heavily on material from 1990' s Heaven or Las Vegas and 1988's Blue Bell Knoll. Each song, from the newest to the oldest (1983's "Sugar Hiccup"), was met with deafening roars of recognition and approval from the audience.

Over the course of 12 years, eight albums and a dozen singles, the Twins have steadfastedly refused to use a real drum.mer, opting for a drum machine, even for live performances. On this tour, however, the trio of Twins, Fraser, guitarist Robin Guthrie and bassist Simon Ra·ymonde, were augmented by two guitarists and not one but two real live drummers. These adjunct members, the drummers especia 11 y, added a dimension to their sound that was welcome and long overdue . The end of "Blue Bell Knoll"was finally done justice.

The band's first and only Denver performance at the Paramount Theatre in April 1991 was Elizabeth Fraser lets loose a Sugar Hiccup.

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APRIL 1,

THE METROPOLITAN

1994

Taiwanese Artists Fill MSCD Gallery with Spirituality Chuck Mindenhall

All of the contemporary artists represented in this disTHE METROPOLITAN play are influenced by Asian as Asian Art The well as Western art. Kuo Cooperation Council in conChuan-chiu focused on mixed j unction with the MSCD media in her work. Much of her Center for the Visual Arts and metaphysical art is abstract. are presenting the exhibition Kuo is one of the favorites at "Man and Earth; the gallery due to her maladroit Contemporary Painting from form and unruly dream-like Taiwan" from March 11 to landscapes. She creates new April 22. dimensions of reality with eerie There are several emi- i.-n~ depictions of nature, that are nent artists that have their frequently devoid of people ~ work on display, including Her focal point is the spiritual Yu Peng, Cheng Tsai-tung, side of art. The Zen Buddhist Kuo Chuan-chiu and Hsu Yuentices the viewers with surrejen. alistic images that strangely Though all of these stand out in her pictures. artists are from Taiwan, they Taiwan's painting tradition practice different techniques originally derived from the and have different motivaChinese mainland, but now has tions. Cheng Tsai-tung's art adopted the Western style. work occupies most of the Peng, Tsai-tung, Yu-jen and gallery, and for good reason.

Chuan-chiu all were born in the His dazzling oil pa:ntings 1950s, which were some of the shed new light on the modern most turbulent times in condition that exists in photo courtesy Sally Perisho Taiwan's history. These prolifTaiwan today . Some of the ic artists give their interpretaspectators' favorites are Kou Chuan-Chlu Ink drawing titled "Shadow of the Sun." tions of those changes through "Waterfall at Two Dragon their dramatic art work.

Mountain" and "Family Outing." Cheng' s nent artists that contributes to the ·exhibi- like,and often take a while to sink in. He The MSCD Center for the Visual inspirations have a great deal to do with tion's aesthetics. Peng started out in was inspired by Chen Yu-geng, which an Arts is located at 1701 Wazee St. Gallery himself and his family. His elaborate sculpting and wood blocking, only to abundance of his art reflects. In some of hours are Tuesday through Thursday, 11 paintings depict the impact of the environ- direct his talents toward different kinds of his drawings there are complex and disora.m .. to 5 p.m, Friday 11 a.m. to 8 p.m, art later in his life. Now he is known for derly backgrounds. All of his art has charment on the individual.

For further and Saturday noon to 4 p.m.

Yu Peng is another one of the promi- his ink-on-paper drawings and sketches. acter, and Peng's views on life are clearly information call (303) 294-5207.

Peng's drawings are almost cartoon- shown through his work.

JOE PESCI • CHRISTIAN SLATER One thing stands·between Jimmy and stardom.

Reality.

ICES MESTIZAS Writing Contest Deadline:

cateoorles:

Fk:tlOn,Non·Fictlon.Poebv Who May Part clpate?

Any high school or college stu-

dent who Is Interested In Chicano history or culture, Including short stories personal experiences,

research papers personal commentaries. fiction and

poetry ls lnvtted to partJdi,)ate.

College and high school ..........

- 'f

students Wiii be Juctged separately. Please Indicate·

wnlCh sehoot you attend. ·

Must be received by :Thursday, April 14, 1994 <No entry fee reQulred> Manuscripts will not be returned unless they are Included with S.A.S.E. once the manuscripts are submitted there will not be an opportunity to make corrections. Winners will receive their recognition awards at the Ralces Mestlzas literary Symposium on APril 21, 1994.

Manuscripts will be Judged by an Independent panel Of Judges. . ';;.:

SEND THREE COPIES OF YOUR

MANUSCRIPTS TO:

Boxholder P.O. Box 1614

u-ProVlde Denver. co 80201 a cover sheet with your

name. address, phone number.

SOcial security number and title Of your work. Your name should not ,appear anywhere on the manu· scripts; only the title ' of your work.

For more Tnforrnatlon call: 556·3908, 274·5043 or 455-7858 Sponsored by: Metropantan state COiiege of Denver

41

APRIL 1, 1994

13

TuE ME'raOPOLITAN

MAKE ART HELP WANTED NE~SPAPER

STAFF

MSCD"S student-run paper, the The Metropolitan. is seeking .

. .

.

.

News a er for the 1994-95 school ear. Observation & trainin will be in in Ma 1994. Familiarit with Macintosh com uters. Microsoft Word and Quark XPress ver hel ful. These ositions are aid. but the ·ob re uires a serious time commitment. However. The Met is hands-on 1ournal1sm experience at its best.

STAFF POSITIONS OPEN ARE, BUT NOT LIMITED TO:

NOT

WAR

-,

Copy Editor: Duties include copy editing all segments of every story. Requires excellent copy editing skills and comprehensive knowledge of the Associated Press Stylebook.

News Editor: Duties include generating story ideas, writing and editing copy, working closely with school officials and reporters, assigning photo coverage and designing news pages.

Features Editor: Duties include generating story ideas, writing copy, editing copy, managing reporters, assigning photo coverage and designing features pages.

Sports Editor: Duties include generating story ideas, writing copy and possibly a column, managing reporters, assigning photo coverage and designing sports pages.

Staff Writers: Duties include fulfilling assignments as designated by Editors. Requires good reporting sense and willing to cover all topics, even at the spur of the moment.

Staff Photographers: Duties include fulfilling assignments as designated by Editors and generating own assignments. Darkroom work and possible production work. Photographic experience required.

DEADLINE FOR SUBMISSIONS IS APRIL 22, 1994

.::::.

~@@ your open-nlindednes is more than lip serVice '?f

the m~ Nive maligned.9'-ern, and rejected their message without • ti,.~~~ fro!'!.the .so ."'! , and J1'ake .up ypur own "'"~. < • .~m ~~,ii~

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14

THE METROPOLITAN

ANA~Ntvtr Too 8usy To SOMZf You In

Providing Professors with helpful ideas and guidelines for producing course packets the way ¥illl want them.

Don't

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Federal Copyright Laws.

APRIL 1, 1994

Laurie Anderson Entertains With Stories From the Nerve Bible LAURIE from page 1O Anderson's after-show discussion allowed her to answer questions about her work and her art. When asked how she fits into the so-called avant-garde, she didn't seem too anxious to align with that or any other movement.

"I think it's snotty to say 'My work cannot be defined," she told the audience. ~·1 think of myself, really, as basically a storyteller, part of the world's oldest art form."

The question-and-answer period gave the audience a chance to ask Anderson about her motivations and inspirations.

Although her performances have been criticized for being "a little like having an arty friend over who talks at you rather than to you," she wasn't, and she came across as being very down to earth, impish and friendly. She's more like the older sister who gave you your first cigarette.

In August, her new album Bright Red, co-produced with Brian Eno, will be released.

"He's wonderful to work with," she said of the producer and self-described non-musician. "He loves problems. When one arises he thinks, 'Great! Something to solve!' I don't know anyone with that same optimism."

Anderson and Eno have been working on the album for nearly a year in Anderson's New York studio, The Lobby.

Shortly after the release of Bright Red, Laurie plans an extensive tour. "This time I'll have other musicians and lots of visual stuff," she said. Despite the success of her concert film "Home of the Brave," Laurie said, "I'm never, ever filming a concert agaiµ . It was the worst experience of my life. I'm a control freak, and I truly began to obsess. I remember a particular frame from the film where my face had a really stupid expression. I thought, 'If I ever see this person's face again, I'll shoot myself.'

And the film's editor (Lisa Day) started to feel the same way."

Eno and Anderson have teamed up with Peter Gabriel to create an "experience park," a music theme park.that will include

holograms and virtual reality "rides." The park will be built in Barcelona, and the details are finally coming together. Gabriel actually came up with the idea years ago and enlisted Anderson and Eno to make the park a reality.

"He's been working on this foreversince 1981," Anderson said. "He even has the parking worked out."

• Though iconoclastic, Anderson has collaborated with others. Her work with Eno comes after a song with Gabriel that appeared on both her album Mister Heartbreak and Gabriel's So. She also worked with beat poet William S. , Burroughs. But she said she is most happy by herself in the studio, doing things her own way.

"Maybe if I was a bit more ... normal, I might have record company execs coming into my studio, listening to the stuff I'm doing and saying, 'Hmm-more bass,' or something like that. But I don't really have to worry about that. I think they'd feel a bit silly coming in and saying, 'Hmmmore birds."

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TuE METROPOLITAN

.........

Hours Monday - Thursday 7:30 a.m. - 7:00 p.m.

~

.

Monthly Special: Iced Vanilla Latt~

Friday 7:30 a.m. - 5:00 p.m.

• Flavored Cappuccino

•Espres&>

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• C:De Mod'la

Iced Italian Sodas

• Hot QloOOate

Gourmet Coffees:

• Italian Creams

(Hazelnut, Irish Cream, Chocolate Raspberry, Almond Cream) Lower Hallway - Student Union Building Across from the Bookstore

----Metro Alternativ (The MSCD Substance Abuse Prevention Pro \ ml

•.

Due to the Rockies parade on Tuesday, April 5, 9:00am -12:30pm, Access to the Auraria Campus via the Auraria Parkway will be dosed.

Lot R will be dosed

.·

during this time but cars

1

___,_(__-----&llrevention Hctivities maHon I Referral

...---~eer Edu ----

)

in the lot · will be able to exit. Campus parkers are encouraged to come ear1y and use alternate parking lots, such as ·Lot E, located across the street from the parking garage at 7th and Walnut St.

Formore information cal Cenkal Classroom 203

Dilisin If httill m Trnspert1tin S.llias

5 5 I · 2 I I I

.-

THE METROPOLITAN

16

APRIL

1, 1994

~~4.SPORT -1~~~~~颅

R oa drunners go 5-6 in Spring Break Match.Ups Andrew Mosier SPORTS EDITOR Two wins and a loss against the Colorado School of Mines in a three game home and away series helped the MSCD baseball team improve its record to 9-15 after a long, game -filled spring break.

Spring break was kicked off by the Roadrunners with a trip to Pueblo to face the University of Southern Colorado.

MSCD dropped three of the four games in the series, losing the first game 8-4, dropping the second game 9-8 and falling just short in the third 3-2 before winning the final game of the series over the indians 12-9.

The Roadrunners then packed for a trip to Texas, facing Abilene Christian University, Hardin-Simmons University and Wayland Baptist University.

MSCD dropped their first game to Abilene Christian 7-1 before bouncing back, beating Hardin-Simmons 3-2 and 86 in the two game series.

The Roadrunners traveled to Plainview, Texas, to be bombarded by Wayland Baptist 16-6.

MSCD returned home March 26 to face the School of Mines, knocking 12 runs over the plate with 12 hits.

The Roadrunners returned to action Monday, finishing the series with Mines, taking the first game of the day 9-8 before

dropping the second 6-4.

The Roadrunners will travel to Grand Junction to face Mesa State College in a four-game series April 1 and 2.

Roadrunner leaders at the plate include junior Art Villa, batting .381 with 63 at bats, 24 hits and four home runs.

Junior Gene Macias is batting .357 with 28 trips to the plate, connecting 10 times.

Macias has yet to have a ball clear the fence.

Junior Jason Riley is batting .324 with 34 at bats, 11 hits and two home runs.

Senior Vince Lucero is on top of the Roadrunner pitching statistics with an . ERA of 5.27 runs, pitching 27.3 innings.

Lucero has pitched five games, winning three.

Junior Rob Wiggins trails Lucero, pitching 26.3 innings with an ERA of 5.81. Wiggins has pitched in seven games, saving four, with two wins and one loss to his credit.

The Roadrunners have been outscored by their opponents' 145 to 178 total runs, turning 19 double plays to opponents 11, stranding 158 runners on base in 24 games played.

-Mark Cicero contributed to this story

The Metropolitan/Andy Cross

Junior Art Villa slides into home, giving one of the Roadrunners one of its four runs In a 6-4 loss to the Colorado School of Mines. MSCD won two of the three games In the series. The Roadrunners travel to face Mesa State College in a four game series April 1 and 路2 before returning home to face .

Regis University in a two game series April 6 at the Auraria Fields.

student Short路Term Loan Program Last Day to Where: When:

.

-;

Student Union 252 Evening Sessions!

April 7th and April 12th 4:00 - 5:30 p.m .

Cost: Free Instructor: Linda Wilkins-Pierce Registration: Not necessary Presented by the Student Health Center, Student Union 140 - Phone: 556-2525

Office Hours: Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thurday Friday

Noon to 4:00 pm 1:00 pm to 5:00 pm 11:00 am to 2:00 pm 1:00 pm 5:00 pm 12:00 pm to 3:00 pm

a *

APRIL 1,

Men Sweep, Women Split in Tennis Tournament Action The invitational was a regular tournament format with each singles and doubles position placed into a regular THE METROPOUTAN The MSCD men's tennis team spent draw. Normally teams compete school spring break in Grand Junction, winning against school and position against posithe Mesa State Invitational tennis tourna- tion.

The MSCD Women's team traveled ment in dominating fashion. to Arizona for spring break and played MSCD swept the six team field for three matches in the desert heat. the team title and won seven of nine The trip started off badly with a 9-0 individual finals in the tourney. MSCD loss to Grand Canyon University in winners include: Phoenix on March 21, Jake Keller at numbut improved on March ber twosingles, 23 when MSCD defeated Arturo Rodriguez at DeKalb University, 7-2, number three sindropping only the numgles, Russ Windham ber two singles match at number four sinwin.' and the number one dougles, Russ Swank at bles. number five singles.

-John Arntz The women then David Woods won Men's Tennis Coach headed for Glendale, the number six sinAriz. to face Glendale gles, Rodriguez and Community College on Windham atnumber March 24.

MSCD stomped Glendale 9-0 twodoubles and Swank and Fischer at and incredibly dropped just 20 games in number three doubles. the 18 sets played.

Martin Coe lost in the title match at The women were led by Rose Aiello No. 1 singles for MSCD, and Keller and at number one singles, Steph Walker at Coe took second in the number one dounumber two, Petra Scholz at three, Belisa bles competition. Coach John Arntz said at four, Carie Burgad at five Olivares he was happy with the teams perforStanton at six. and Robin mance and knew they would do well MSCD tennis teams will be in Both going in to the tournament. action at home on April 2 against Mesa "We were seeded high in the tournaState University.

The dual match begins ment and we expected to win," Arntz 10 a.m. on the Auraria courts north of at said. "The two matches we lost were the Tivoli. close."

Michael BeDan

"?

17

THE METROPOLITAN

1994

'We were seeded high in the tournament and we expected to

BASEBALL STATS

~

~raduate ~chool ??

BATTING STATISTICS PLAYER Bryan Archer Darrel Leaman ArtVilla 'Gene Macias Jason Riley :Matt Nispel

ifhom Hartman

BA .500 .500 .381

AB 2 2

.357

28 34 29 87

.324 .310 .287

Chan Mayber

.2n

Sergio Cedillos Brian Downey 1 ,Devin Bixby J.C. Klein Archuleta Matt Torrez Dale Bjorhus Vince Lucero Matt Burton Trevor Monroe

.275 .256 .250 .250 .250 .244 .240 .236

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H 1

0 24 10 11

63

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Tm! METROPOLITAN

18

APRILl, 1994

•

-<ti CALENDAR t>•J.-----The Calendar is a free service of The Metropolitan for students, faculJy and staff of the Auraria Campus. Calendar items for MSCD receive priority due to space limitations. Forms for calendar items can be picked up at The Metropolitan office, room 156 of the Stwhnt Union. The Metropolitan reserves the right lo edit calendar for space considerations or lo refuse any item we deem unsuitable for publication.

Closed lunch AA meeting from noon to 1 p.m. at the Auraria Library, room 206.

MSCD's Bahai Club presents "Through the Universe in Search of God" at 7:30 p.m., 225 E. Bayaud Ave. Free, all welcome. Info: 3228997.

The Denver Free Spanish Network meets to have fun, speaking Spanish, on Mondays and Wednesdays from 7:30 to 10 p.m. People of all levels of Spanish-speaking ability are welcome. Free. Info: 722-2916, 458-1193 or 733-7390.

The Foothills Art Center announces a call for entries for the 21st annual Rocky Mountain National Watermedia Exhibition. Entry fee is $10 per entry with a Jim-it of 3, residents of the U.S. are eligible, and slides are due by April 29. $10,000 will be awarded in prize money.

Info: 279-3922.

The Student Health Center presents "Calling It Quits: Smoking Cessation" from noon to 12:50 p.m. at 1020 9th Street Park. Free. Info: 556-2525.

PEAK Leadership Program presents Careers and Leadership Workshop #2 ''Negotiation for Nurses" from 2:30 to 4:00 p.m. In SU 230AB. Free. Info: 556-2595.

3rd module begins.

The Student Health Center presents "Eating and Emotions" from 11 a.m. to noon at 1020 9th Street Park. Free. Info: 556-2525.

Full-term classes - last day to withdraw and receive NC; faculty signature required.

A scholarship workshop will be held from noon to 1 p.m. in Student Union rooms 254/256. The workshop will provide basic information about how to look and apply for scholarships. All students are welcome. Free.

Info: 556-8441.

Menorah Ministries information table on the "Jewish Messiah" and the "Jewish Roots of Christianity" from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. in the Student Union lobby. Info: 722-0944.

The Student Health Center presents "Compulsive Overeating: Treatment and Support Group" from 1 to 2 p.m. at 1020 9th Street Park. Free. Info: 556-2525..

The Student Health Center presents "Eating and Emotions" from noon to 1 p.m. at 1020 9th Street Park. Free. Info: 556-2525.

Closed lunch AA meeting from noon to 1 p.m. at the Auraria Library, room 206.

CoPIRG hosts a planning meeting for events centered around environmental, hunger and homelessness issues at 3 p.m. in SU 230-B. All welcome. Info: 556-4537 or 969-0825.

MSCD's Activity Council presents "Metro Band at the Mission: Jazz Ensemble" from 11:30 a.m. to 1:30 p.m. Free. Info: 556-2595.

The Student Health Center presents "Focus on Fats" from 9 to 10 a.m. in the Student Health Center, SU 140. Free. Info: 556-2525.

CoPIRG hosts a planning meeting for "Earth Day Celebrations" at 4 p.m. in SU 230-AB. All welcome. Info: 556-4537 or 969-0825.

Closed lunch AA meeting from noon to 1 p.m. at the Auraria Library, room 206.

The Student Health Center presents "Stress: Strategies for Spring," a stress seminar, from 4 to 5:30 p.m. in SU 252. Free. Info: 556-2525.

FREE

~

SE~INARS

MSCD STUDENTS EARN HIGHER GRADES WHILE YOU SPEND LESS TIME STUDYING Seminar Topics:

•Time Management for Students •Tips for Taking Exam •Tips for Studying •Stress Management for Students

Location: Central Classroom 109 •.

Conducted by:

Conducted by:

SUZANNE FLORENTINE, MA An Instructor of Speech Communications at MSCD. She has a M.A. from Regis University and has coached award winning speakers. Her interactive style is motivating and empowering.

MAUREEN COLE, PH.D. A college instructor for 1Oyears who holds a Ph.D. in Experimental Social Psychology from the University of Montana. Information presented in seminars are researched-based and used in the classroom.

Seminar Times Thursday April 7 Wednesday April 20

.'\ISC:'D 'lhforin;: Pro;:rmn

11 :00 - Noon 11 :00 Noon

Seminar Times Tuesday April 12 Monday April 18

2:00 - 3:00 2:00 - 3:00

1-'o r •·m·fhl"r infornmfion c-.mfm·f :HSC:'D 'l'n•orin;: Pro~1·am ( '' 120

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7:00 11:00 12:00 1:00 2:00 2:30 3:00 3:30 5:00

a.m. a.m. p.m. p.m. p.m. p.m. p.m. p.m. p.m.

Monday Q.NN

•ACTV is a department of the Student Union in the Auraria Student Division Phone: 556-3316 Volunteers needed Business hours 9-5

Thursday

Friday

THE METROPOLITAN

• APRIL 1, 1994

SALES- HEAL TH RIDER EXERCISE machines, great job for school! Full or part-time, nourly or commission. Call 745-3115, Dave. 4/1 HELP WANTED- Local company needs _part-timers up to 30 hours a week. Sales & non-sales jobs available. $200- $500 a week, call Blake for an aggointment. Speer & Broadway 4463 5 4/1

.I

LIFEGUARDS, WSl'S NEEDED FOR Summer season. Call Jan 279-3758.

4/1 STUDENT TO STAFF OFFICE. Knowledge of Spanish beneficial.

Twenty hours per week during semester, more after semester ends.

Contact John, 433-4233, leave message. 4/1 MUSIC INDUSTRY INTERN position available. If interested, please call Shannon or Mark @ 206-932-3432 or 800-229-7623. 4/1 NOTHINGS FREE ??? B.S. 11111 FT/PT $20 . 00 per hr. comm. Place FREE coupons for local business into our Gold C Type coupon book. Call Mr. Gerard 467-3853 NOW! 4/1 ALASKA SUMMER EMPLOYMENTfisheries. Many earn $2,000+/ mo. in canneries or $3,000-$6,000+/ mo. on fishing vessels. For info. call : 1-206545-4155 ext. A5879 4/29.

SUMMER RESORT JOBS- Earn to $12/hr + tips. Locations include : Hawaii, Florida, Rocky Mountains, Alaska, New England, etc. For details, call 1-800-807-5950 ext. R5879 4/29 WANT TO PUT YOUR MIND TO WORK? Be a volunteer at Legal Aid. No legal background is required. Help clients access Justice for a wide variety of legal problems -- in housing, victim assistance and elder law. Learn about the law. Volunteer one full day per week and see the difference your help can make. 866-9306. 4/29 AA CRUISE & TRAVEL employment guide. Earn big $$$+ travel the world free! (Carribean, Europe, Hawaii, Asia!)

Hurry! Busy Spring/Summer seasons approaching, guaranteed success! Call (919) 929-4398 ext. C195. /27

NANNY POSITION- FULL TIME SUMMER, part-time NOW (after school pick-ups: Auraria to Park Hill) . 2 Boys, 5 &7. Room, board plus salary.

Nurturing, active and creative nonsmoker. Must have own car. Flexible, let's talk specifics. 355-5961 4/15 WANTED 100 STUDENTS TO LOSE 10-29 lbs. naturally. Dr. recommended, RN assisted program. P.S. I have the thigh cream. Lose weight, make money.

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Mess Copy Editor Resigns, Can't Spell I would like to pubically err my differnces with edittor in cheef of the Messypolyton Patricia Snippy Slob. I am committed to my job as copy edittor and so have endurred the tyranny for that reason, but it is time I get this off my chest.

Let it be noen, first of all, that I charish my job, which includes making coffee and copies (hence the title copy edittor). I am thankful for this oppertunity, and Snippy has been generous enouf to allow me free rain with Wite-out.

But the gratitude stops there.

Snippy has an enforced rule that all staff members must not eat meat and we are force-fed Quinoa (pronouced keen wah) and tofu at every staff meeting. This has been particularly difficlut for me because I believe that camiverusness is a key element in the development of the military psyche, which is my supreem goal in life.

Secondly, Snippy undermines my authority as a copy edditor by constintly overrriding my desizions on spelling, grammer and punkchewayshun. It is humilating, and I haf had enuf. Let this lettur surve as both a jumalistic peese of expository revilation and as my lettur of resignation. I can no longer surve in a puppet regime. I am tired of having only hollow authority.

Thank God for future jumalists she is gradiating this spring.

Signed, Gen. Robyn Schwartzkopf.

3

THE MEssYPOLYTON

APRIL 1, 1994

Galilbling, O~gy, seance Conducted in Hotel Room SHOCKER from page 1 and I refuse to comment on them," said Buckweat's general manager Gil Starky.

"But I will tell you that they bought a lot of wheat bagels - said it was an experiment in evolution."

Estimated damages in the hotel are in the thousands.

All that was left in the room was a map, drawing out some caverns in the northern desert of Mexico and the words "Gila monster" scribbled on it and an anonymous confession note AHEC police believe was written by Cross.

Arachnid Public Safety officer Det. Harry Calgon said he found the -note beneath one of the stripped bed frames.

The confession, written on toilet paper with what appears to be sheep's blood, matches samples of Cross' handwriting.

It reads: " I have committed a crime.

I want to pay for my felonious behavior.

Calgon, take me away."

No other trace of Cross was found, however, and Calgon said he suspects Cross has been kidnapped by the rest of the mob of journalists.

-

Photo by the Advocate photographer don /owe

Messypolyton editor in chief Patricia Snippy Slob, features editor Jefe Dahmer, copy editor Gen. Robyn Swartzkopf, and an unidentified partygoer are caught In this shocking photo of conduct - just shocking conduct that was paid for by student fees and embezzled parking funds!

Life at The Mess Luxurious JefeDahmer

Features Editor

't

Tucked away in a small comer of the Stupid Union, The Mess may not seem like a glamorous place to most students.

What may surprise them is that the staff of The Mess enjoy perks and benefits that would astonish even the wealthiest Cherry Hills executive. Through a delightfully ingenious web of falsehoods, facades, outright deceptions and plain old lies, we at The Mess have been able to hide from the public the lavish lifestyle inherent in college journalism.

Even now, as you're reading this, the staff of The Mess are drinking those drinks with the little umbrellas in them while relaxing in our Secret Hot Tub Lounge. Although our tuition is paid for, we have a special arrangement with our professors that allows us to attend class in absentia so the hard work we need to attend to gets done.

And hard work it is! First, we need to get to the office early-sometimes even before noon- to prepare coffee and so forth for the staff. If someone has forgotten to buy coffee, or we leave the machine on and ruin it (which happens every week), we can count on the coffee vendors on campus to attend to our needs, supplying us with coffee and a new machine. They have to----or we won' t run their ads!

Immediately after that, say about 2 p.m.-the rest of the staff straggles in.

Then the real work begins.

For starters, we may have to finish the poker game we've started the night before. After that, we usually order out for lunch, or head over to Morton's of Chicago at the Tivoli. This way, we kill two birds with one stone. We're able to get out of the way of our maid service

who are busy cleaning up our beer bottles us almost of keg of beer each, and lots of and dirty ashtrays, and we get to use petty pretzels to boot. Our editor, Patricia cash and student fees in a way that really Snippy Slob, isn't around much, but when she is, she makes certain the taps are serves the community.

As you can imagine, a 22-oz. T-Bone functioning and the beer temperature and three martinis for lunch usually remains nice and cold, and she makes means one thing-a nice nap. We all have· tons of long distance calls to her gun-runbeds in our suites, of course, but some of ning boyfriend in Ecuador. Thus, the us return to the hot tub room to catch up office runs smoothly, like a Swiss watch, on 'Days of our Lives' or 'Wheel of ora Yugo.

Fortune.'

As you can imagine, we love her. A By 5 or 6, we're ready to start work- lot. ing on the stories that make up the meat Next year, The Mess' headquarters and potatoes of the paper. But just think- will move to the Tivoli. And, of course, we'll have the usual stuff we need, as well as those little accouterments that make life as a college journalist so much easier.

For instance, the 450,000-square-foot office at the Tivoli will be equipped with not only bot tubs, but pool tables, a fullsize basketball court, an indoor-outdoor Olympic-sized swimming pool. As well as a full-time masseuse, we' ll probably ing about meat and potatoes makes us have a staff acupuncturist and psychotherhungry again , so we ' ll head over to apist too, because we all have various chemical dependencies that result from Bugger King for a quick snack.

By that time, most of the people we the incredible stress of running the paper. need tot~ to aren't around campus any- If our space gets a little cramped, we can more . Even most students have gone head upstairs to the sun deck and tennis home. So we make up some stories--just courts. off the top of our heads, really-and we I'm sure you' re wondering about dictate them to lackeys who do all the parking. Well, at The Mess we get a spework, including typesetting and printing cial pass, good indefinitely, which allows on a big old Gutenberg-style press. us free daily valet parking in front of the If any of us are left after that, we may office. Hey, with the work we have to do, play poker. But now, thanks to increased there isn't time to screw around looking funding, we have video games installed for a parking space. This is a newspaper.

Of course, life at the Mess isn ' t all on every computer at the office. We sometimes watch old reruns of fun and games. Occasionally a late break"Gilligan's Island." If we get bored with ing story will come up, like stolen parkthat, we can bum money in a little incin- ing fees or something equally boring.

And as soon as we're able to leave erator we have just for that purpose.

Because we have lots of money to the Boiler Room, we get right on it. burn! A full-page ad in The Mess can buy

'She makes certain the taps are functioning and the beer temperature remains nice and ·c old.'

Slug Man on the Loose Dave Flam.be

Staff Writer Former MSCD Student Government Secretary of Transportation Lucas Melmac has pledged his life to ridding the streets of the criminal element.

During a press conference early yesterday, Melmac, a seventh-year sophomore said, "Criminals are a superstitious cowardly lot. I must don an emblem that will strike fear in to the hearts of these evildoers. I will become a ... a ... a ...garden variety slug!"

Melmac then jumped from behind the podium, displaying his outfit which consisted of several layers of latex tubing that was covered in a greenish, oozing slime. He put a mask across his eyes, then shouted, "Beware, robbers, murderers, gang members and AHEC administration! Slug Man is out for justice! Any questions?"

With that, Melmac left the stage, chanting, repeatedly "Ilovit!" MSCD student C.J. Bower was in the audience. He watched Melmac in a dreamlike trance for a few moments, then said, "I'll bet Robin Hood is looking down from heaven, and smiling."

Since the time of the press conference, APU security has reported a flood of calls reporting a strange, sluglike creature exuding goop around campus, attacking several pursesnatchers, two would-be robbers, MSCD President, Sheila Caplan and Messypolyton news editor Toni Balogne.

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THE MEssYPOLYI'ON

APRIL 1, 1994

·Soccer Stars ·Sign At ·MSCD when he was younger.

"I grew up very poor, all I had was. football," Maradona said. "Now I have the chance to get that education and put something back into the community."

Maradona, who has always had problems staying out of trouble, was arrested Saturday night after soliciting a dancer at The Mile High Saloon.

"We have no comment about the incident at the bar," Helman said. "I hope he does nothing like it again.

Coaches around the Colorado Athletic Conference have raised questions concerning the eligibility of the new student/athletes.

"Th~se are all world-class professional players," Amy Michin-Ward, Regis University coach, said. "Where do they get off passing them off as college players?

"They have remained amateurs," Helman said. "Never have they received money for their work on the soccer field, only off, and there is nothing in NCAA rules about outside

Captain Carnivore SPORTS EDITOR

-

Some alarming news in the soccer world was announced Wednesday by MSCD assistant athletic Director Bill Helman and coach Al Ashton.

"We are proud to announce the signing to national letters of intent of 15 new soccer players from all reaches of the world," Helman said.

The most surprising signing was that of German national team star Jergen Klinsman, English captain David Platt, and a man once considered to be the best player in the world, Argentine captain Daigo Maradona.

"I guess you could say we had a good recruiting year," Ashton said. "We lost a lot of players last year, and everyone thought we would not be able to field a competitive team, I guess I showed them," Ashton said.

Klinsman, who spent much of his playing career in the tough Italian first division, said he was glad to be playing in a league that would The Messypoloton/ Mamby Cross not be quite so brutal.

"I live in Southern California when I am not MSCD Coach Al Ashton supervises an early workout, viewing the new playing and have seen some good college play- players for the first time since their signing as Roadrunners. ers, I just hope I can compete," said the FIFA "I am here for the money," Platt said.

World All-Star. work."

Platt was then rushed away from the press and given Klinsman said he left the European game because he Helman said Klinsman worked as a lawn mower, felt unfulfilled as a person playing in front of 60,000 peo- a severe tongue lashing by Ashton out of the press' Platt an iron worker, and Maradona, a cocaine dealer. earshot and returned to the podium changing his stateple twice a week.

"Daigo is rehabilitated now, he no longer has any "I want more," Klinsman said. "I want to know what ment. interest in running drugs," Helman said. "At least during "I want to be a meteorologist. I someday hope to soccer season." it is like to play in front of 20 people, have homework work for channel 9. I am here for that education," Platt that night, and want to go out drinking beer. That is one Ashton said he expects no problems with the new said. "I would like to thank Al and Bill for making it all players, and is looking to the start of pre-season training thing I could never resolve playing in Italy. Here I can."

Klinsman said he hopes to major in physical educa- possible." in June.

Maradona, the Argentinian National Team star, who tion, where he can help young children.

"Things look good, hopefully we have a chance to Platt said he came to be a Roadrunner for entirely speaks no English, said through an interpreter that he win the CAC, and if we are lucky, go to the NCAA came to MSCD for the education he could not afford Tournament," Ashton said. <tifferent reasons. ···~

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