IN FOCUS
Halloween Edition, October 2019
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The Piranha's Agony Aunt Q. We’re two months in and I have loads of friends but I still feel lonely. Why? Simple answer: they’re not your friends. This question is really far more complex and the answer takes time but much like your new friends- I don’t care. Q. I do law and loads of cocaine and mum says I’m an absolute catch and I’m nothing like That Bastard (dad) or anything. Why haven’t I had a girlfriend since school? Oh my dear. I know you’re nothing like Him (I also know that’s what your mum tells herself so that she can bear to look at you) but you’ve inherited some of his traits of course: Law, talking about yourself, a receding hairline and an inability to maintain any interpersonal relationships. Your time will come of course, several times. You’ll find ‘love’. Your first wife, your secretary, your oldest son’s girlfriend, your first wife’s sister. But to really answer your question: girls have grown self esteem and high fringes since school. Misplaced anger isn’t sexy anymore and neither is vomming outside Dicey’s twice a week. They’re on their next problematic
phase: musicians and art boys- they don’t need to repeat the mistakes of the past. Clean up your act. Q. I’m on Erasmus and I’m having a shit time but I don’t want everyone to know... Oh honey, you’re breaking my heart but this is so easily fixed. Remember to LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE and post all your ‘new friends’ on insta as often as you can. Make sure to leave messages unopened for days on end and then reply frantically with an ‘OMG the time difference here makes it sooo difficult to reply and i’ve just been soooo busy going out. The social scene is so great anyway yeah see you at christmasdrinks in Alfies yeah?’. Q. I’m really having trouble opening up about my feelings. How can I fix this? One word: finsta. Here you can post about all your feelings. You can decide who follows you, make pointed posts, close friends lists that only have one person on them. You can rant and rave, post your poetry, your original songs, your nudes- the e-world is your lobster. Most people keep it close circle but the best way to really overcome your communicative issues
TEP Jargon Buster
An Approved Module: A chance to see how your rival course lives.
up a business which we can profit off of if your idea actually succeeds
Partners in Learning: Staff Flexibility of Pathways: The and students are partners in complete eradication of the degree pathway you wanted to learning, except for the staff. follow Global Mobility: To ensure that Trinity has only international Graduate Attributes: To think of Trinity’s profits, to communicate students by 2030. your pain through memes, Blended learning: A way for us to develop new anxieties, to to reduce the number of TAs act as if you are completely unaccountable. we have. Capstone Project: Any self Semesterisation: A reduction of started meme page that has time to write essays by a full three weeks. over 500 followers. Trinity Electives: A project where TEP: The Epitome of Pain. we force every student to set
is by letting absolutely anyone follow you.It’ll work wonders for the anxiety I know you have! No need to wonder anymore about why people are staring at you in the library; you’ll already know that its because of the 20 minute long story you posted with a playby-play of your last therapy session (Reminder: schedule another one!) No better way to (over)share and forget about those authentic, uncomfortable, interpersonal relationships. Q. My best friend and I started getting together a while ago… then it all went tits up. When will we get our ‘When Harry Met Sally’ ending? You won’t. Q. He’s really in touch with his emotions, sometimes he cries just thinking about how much he loves me. He’s so intellectual- he’s read Catcher in the Rye eight times!. But my older sister thinks he’s bad news. I’ve never met anyone like him before, what should I do? Run! Your sister is dead right. He’s a softboi and it won’t be long til he starts misquoting Camus after sex. Get out quick before he breaks your heart and you end up crying to Mac DeMarco songs.
Sneak Peak at the next edition of Icarus I’moppressedandclimatechangeandbrexit Dprssn
sAdnESs
please notice me PLEASE
My ex was abusive let’s write a poem. Ghfjsknf
CTY I am alone
EYPlease talk to me Jauntily spaced poem.
I’m happy
sHE beLIEveD
Allegory
Menstrual cups.
Halloween Edition, Edition 2019 3
This Day in Histor y
Quod Dixeunt Dixeunt
2019
Trinity apologises to 17,000 animals used in lab testing by giving them each a floor in the Busines school.
2021
The discovery of harrowing photos from 1900 reveal that the perch staff are, indeed, immortal.
2035
First library desk monitor becomes Garda informant.
2068
"Oh yeah bro, epic memories in the wezz." - Culchie desperately failing to hide true identity and blend in to BESS.
"We made one simple mistake and now we are being punished for the rest of our lives" -Pro-Life S*ciety on being denied their choice of trademark
“What good is my parent’s affluence if I can’t use it to artificially outperform others??” - Law and Business JF upon realising that grinds in Torts did not exist.
Carrolls Irish Gifts Written Into Constitution.
3000
Academic Registry opens second enquiries desk.
“And they don’t even need to be alumni — just dead." - Provost calls for more busty women in the long room.
“Of course I give money to beggars” - Ralph (Rafe) on clearing his conscience on his morning walk to college.
“Nahhh bud, haven't opened a book all year.” - SF History and Politics Schols hopeful after their 13th hour on Ussher 4.
"It wasn't my worst Tuesday evening" - Stories from Trinity News' Blind Dates
The Piranha
NOTES FROM THE THRONE Welcome back! Since you’ve been gone there have been some changes made around here the Piranha has undergone a bit of a makeover. Halloween approaches and things are getting a bit spooky. Since everyone is dressing up, we thought that the Piranha should too - in the spookiest costume a publication can have; a red-top tabloid. In honour of the occasion, gone is the usual journalistic integrity, gone are the well-thought out, in-depth analyses. Instead you will find only exposés, personal attacks and roomba-related content. Is this a temporary change? Can we ever go back? Will all future Piranha content concern the arbitrary movements of an autonomous lawnmower? Only time will tell. Time's are a-changing and one thing is for sure, the Good Old DaysTM appear to be over, as our non-PC parents keep reminding us ("You can't say anything these days!!"). While perusing old editions of the Piranha in an attempt to find old “Notes from the Throne” to plagiarize, we came to the realisation most older editions of the Piranha took a slightly different, most definitely problematic, direction. One need only go back a couple of years to find evidence of unsolicited dick pics, blackface and a comic strip character simply known as 'Gayman'. What a legacy to follow! While we do have low standards for content and questionable morals, we draw the line at anything that might make people think we’re not funny. What a Reading Week it’s been. In the Valhalla of House 2 a new master reigns supreme: a toastie maker donated by a set of concerned parents. But that’s not all: this week has seen us do absolutely none of the things on our to do lists, choosing instead to create this offering, labouring over the formatting
as though we don’t both have degrees to be studying for. The rapid change of the nature of employment in the 21st century has us wondering what outlandish courses universities will have to come up with to convince people that spending 12k on a degree that could realistically be completed in 18 months is worth it. In what world do you need to be qualified in both Law and Business? What is a Business degree? How can there be enough material there to sustain study for four whole years? Maybe it's a symptom of the capitalist system we so proudly call our own, making people buy things they’ve gotten on fine without until now. But hey, who are we to judge. Before University was a thing we would have just gone to another country and lived there for a while to learn a language. Today though, the System has convinced us that we are worthless without a few meaningless letters behind our names. As the days get shorter and exams grow closer it leads one to do a lot of soul searching: what are we doing here? How is it Monday again already? Will I ever be free of this hellish existence? Well, dear reader, we can’t answer those questions for you. All we can do is advise you to take comfort in the little things. You will never be as far away from exams as you are in this moment. Sometimes there’s a copy of the key textbook available in Counter Reserve. Maybe the cunt always asking questions in Employment Law will lose their voice. All we can do is wait and laugh through the tears. Yours in seasonal affective disorder, Jack and Maeve
Editors: Maeve Claffey Jack Counihan
Cover Design: Milan Hartney
Senior writers: Ellen Higgins James Johnston Shane Kenneally Conor Lamb Niall Prior James Watson
Contributors: Owen Buckley James Cronin Claire Cullen Celine Delahoy Hugh Gallagher Ross Gorey Eoin Jackson Christian Moore Jack Smyth
Roomba photographer: Aoife Grimes
The Piranha is a satirical newspaper and should be regarded as such by all. Be advised that some readers may find the contents of The Piranha to be offensive. If you believe that you may be such a person, please seek advice from a qualified professional before reading. Nothing to do with us, perhaps try learning that
jokes aren't necessarily things people believe but are instead, jokes. Serious complaints about the content of the publication should be addressed to the Editor, Regent House. All events and people described in The Piranha are fictional. Any resemblance to real events or real people is unintentional, and hilarious. The Piranha is a member of Trinity Publications and a family of omnivorous freshwater fish that live in South American rivers, being funded by a grant from the former. The Piranha is a fully participating member of the Press Council of Ireland and supports the Office of the Press Ombudsman. The opinions expressed in The Piranha are not reflective in any way of any view held by anyone, anywhere, at any time. The opinions expressed herein are especially not representative of The Piranha and indeed any creature, inanimate object, institution, or person involved in its production, publication and distribution. The Piranha claims all special rights and privileges, just in case. The Piranha is not an equal opportunity employer, in the sense that it does not employ anybody and therefore is not an employer strictly speaking. The Piranha is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Halloween Edition, October 2019
Do you ever have bad policy ideas? All I have are bad policy ideas.
A one-night stand with a ScĂŠim student, worth it or nĂl??
BuachaillĂ dĂĄna? CailĂnĂ beaga grĂĄnna? So you’ve pulled a scĂŠim student have ya, does she whisper sweet nothings as the Niamh to your Ă“isĂn and you walk the stair of his or her sweet on-campus accommodation in the knowledge that after this undeniably kinky oĂche you will probably make it ontime to class tomorrow. Ar aghaidh leat a mhac đ&#x;˜‰ That said, b’fhĂŠidir you’re not fully cognisant of what it is exactly you’re signing up to. One minute youll be tearing off a blouse, the next you’re being pegged to the sound of her reading a translated version of the Proclamation at the top of her thick country accent. What if, during pillow talk, when all you want is to be held you’re subject to IRA apologism because “she just gets their side of thingsâ€? while the posters of Martin McGuiness and
Cross-eyed Pearsey boi look down on your pale shrivelling naked body. What if, as you wake, she’s still going, only this time with an spailpĂn fĂĄnach in musical form being blurted from her gob and all you want is morning sex or like idk cupĂĄn tae? And besides, what kind of irish language progression are you really going to find in Trinity College Dublin anyway. Being commended for Irish language prowess in TCD is like being is like winning an award for tolerance in young fine gael because you smiled at a homeless man one (1) time. You unwrap the tricolour from that same pale shrivelling body of yours and you bolt from the spot just before the alarm of peigĂn leitir mĂłir starts playing, and you never, ever use that an bhfuil tĂş go maith pick up line ever again, jaysus.
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Jaoquin PenisTM
Opinion
BREAKING: FLAC Solves the Homelessness Crisis ‘Twas the night of the sleepout, and all through Front Square, no FLAC-er was stirring, not even the chair The free coffee was poured into KeepCups with care, the warmth of the blankets soon filled the air, The students were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of social change danced in their heads. And FLAC in their ‘kerchief, and I in my free foil blanket and insulated mat, had just settled down for a long winter’s nap. When out on the street, there arose such a clatter, A homeless man cries and shouts, “Just what’s the matter?!� His cries ring out as he shakes on the gates, the chair just stands and wakes up his mates “Go�, the chair cries, “you’re not homeless now, we’ve made it so with the sweat off our brow!�. The homeless man cheered as he ran down the street, his problems now solved: no more life on the street! As affluent students put back down their heads, the homeless rest easy on their makeshift beds, With homelessness solved, the chair looks quite vexed, “I think we’ll tackle poverty next� The students were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of social change danced in their heads.
Trinity Business School set to house 16,000 BESS Students by 2025
The new 11,400sq meter Business Building is set to absorb 75% of the South Dublin private school male student population by the year 2025, according to new reports. With far-reaching projects such as TAP attempting to combat Trinity’s reputation as being elitist, this new building featuring a six-floor-highceiling and no student spaces, no library, no microwaves or kettles, and no student lockers, is set to comfort any and all incoming private school students. By providing a safe space for this cohort of the student population, this building will ensure that they continue to flourish and thrive within all aspects of campus life. Trinity has been working tirelessly to address the needs of these students,
with such efforts including providing them with Forum which serves coffee, food, and interior designs that look the exact same as every other coffee shop South of the Liffey. This has been an ambitious project has become “the first university building in the history of the state to be funded without taxpayers’ money.â€? Some students have reported already hearing “haha yeah my Dad actually paid for this classroom so move your KĂĽnken, Sophie". The ultimate aim of the building, as outlined by the report is to ensure a BESS students to other courses student ratio of 3:1 by 2025. There has been an acceptance that 75% is the optimal amount of South Dublin private school boys that a course could want at any one time so as to ensure a healthy number of students enter law, law and business, law and french, law and german, and of course, law and political science.
Halloween Edition, Edition 2019
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What's Hot // What's Not Piping hot takes from the stone busts in the Long Library The Library is full of secrets. News spreads through its narrow corridors, carried by the faintest of whispers, delivered by faceless, genderless beings with subversive motives. Amid the secrecy lie the stone busts of the library, immortalising famous college figures who now have nothing better to do than to comment on college's latest and lamest.
NOT
HOT A Hard Border:
Brexit has been the television event of the decade. I am transfixed, I take my chardonnay with a plate of family division, forced deportations and Theresa May having a wrinkly cry. I won’t hear otherwise, this has been sensational. Bore me not with tales of stock markets on the plummet or small farmers sinking into the bogs - instead regale me with stories of a white haired daemon who dreams of retina scanners for every hedgerow in Monoghan. Not since Maura and the fanny flutters have I been so ready to watch a bad bitch pop off and make a headline. I’m firmly against the idea but I’m well behind the drama. Will they send the Northies back? Will we ever find Shergar? Is Arlene finally going to appear on Strictly? Anything is possible in the Big Brother Isles. What’s scarier than a Hard Border with a 30km buffer zone encompassing a populace of 600,000 ?... ... It’s Rebekah Vardy’s account DMing to remind you how much good £300M a week could do for the NHS.
Bisexuality:
Do you swing both ways? No? Well too bad, we aren’t interested! Unless you can pull someone’s pants down and “be happy with anything you find” we don’t want to know. This just in, bisexuals are IN and you are OUT. Trying to fake it to climb Trinity’s ever-shifting social hierarchy? Well tough shit, we can smell your straight/gay only-ass from a mile away and we don’t want a piece of it. We don’t know what’s so appealing about mysterious men and women who are riding left, right and centre (and not just politically), but we don’t care! All we know is everyone these days wants in on this hot, bisexual action. Boys and girls, it has never been hotter to come out as bi. Just being straight or gay is so 2018, and you’d better ditch those outdated labels for a fresh, new you if you want to be getting any action by the new year.
Being a Fucking Narc:
Bullied for being a snitch in school? You’ve come to the right place. For a limited time only, alienate both your friends and people you’ve never met by applying to be a Library Desk Monitor this exam season. For too long students have had it good; daring to take more than 30 minutes for a study break, sneaking in coffee to stay awake to study for the exams they only have a few days to revise for, leaving their desks without having their personal belongings confiscated by an SF Earth Science student high on power. What could be better than counting down the seconds on your Trinity brand stopwatch until you can fuck someone’s library books and laptops onto the floor in the name of fairness. Get ready to sneer “sorry pal, too late this time” in the manner enjoyed by bouncers and security guards the world over at people who took a 31.25 minute long library break. “But please, it takes 10 minutes to walk down Dawson Street not to mention the time spent waiting in line or the walk back. Have you ever considered that 30 minutes is too short and that while the idea might be good in theory, in practice it’s unreasonable to expect people studying all day to limit their breaks to 30 minutes, especially if they need to eat?” Feel free to laugh at such analysis - bonus points if you can say something asinine in response and drench the unlucky cunt in spit as you do so. They said it would get better in college, and by God did it.
Dublin Being Shit:
There are treasures in this world that once lost, can never be recovered. Taking with them part of who we are, and making lesser all that we can become. ISIS’s destruction of ancient Palmyra, the Taliban’s demolition of the Buddhas of Bamyan, Fine Gael’s closure of the Bernard Shaw. Each a deeper cut that threatens to sever us from our cultural identity. Dublin has returned to the Gerry Ryan’s and Glenda Gilsenan’s we thought we’d purged post-Tiger. I’m sure you’re thinking “Now that you mention it, I did find it suspicious that Sarah Jane Ní Clafferty could afford the last 3 years of Alex after her Dad fled to Oregon and her Mum took a spa break in John of Gods”. And you’d be right. The landlords and the bankers never left, they put on a Zara suit, stood behind Joan Bruton’s wobbly voice and won a byelection. No more hotels says you? Occupy Merrion Square? Good effort, big up, get some more cardboard and we can even have a sleep out with the Belvo lads and solve the Housing Crisis! Does it all feel a bit futile, could we do more? If you say yes then I’ve two words to put behind those two fingers - Hong Kong. Flip an Oink-Mobile, tell Eoghan Murphy he can co-live in the Joy, DOXX De Valera’s grandkids. Light a match under the arse of this puppet city state. Dublin was founded by Vikings, go forth, pillage, cut out the tongues of your prisoners and return with the sheep of your enemies. Reclaim the city so that once more we can drink peach IPA and eat microwaved pizzas on that precious blue bus that I’m sure you went to ALL the time. Sound the horn of Ragnarok. LIBERATE DUBLIN.
"Finding yourself" on Erasmus:
Do you finally feel alive? Finally feel as if you can deal with the vicissitudes and the whips and scorns of time because you've now become a totally different person? You're far from home now! You miss your family but you close your eyes each night firm in the knowledge that you're growing, and you wake up with that new-dawn promise that you have so developed through perspective and strength and definitely not pharmaceuticallymanufactured serotonin enhancers. No sir-ee.
You’ve now learnt that life is about healing, about experiencing new things, exploration, new foods, and a very strictly regimented routine of absolutely yeeting 15grams of serotonin into your system before going for a run and thereafter being able to give yourself unbelievable amounts of credit for doing very basic tasks. Grocery shopping derives self-worth! Taking out the bins? Enhances my sense of self! God not being depressed has made you so powerful!! All thanks to me and my strong independent Erasmus prescription drug-induced experience. While we are happy for you and support tablets of all kinds, the Piranha and its many exchange student correspondents would urge you to get a royal grip of yourself and climb out of that foreign girls arse you're licking: you're not different, you're still a dickhead, people liking you abroad is inherently temporary, and sooner or later you'll be back home with your stupid shit life. While you may make new friends (lexibros) and get more girls (Lexihoes), eventually they will all be gone upon your return home (lexigo) So beware, there’s always further to fall.
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Halloween Edition, October 2019
Prayer Circle You've asked and we have answered! In the wake of TEP the only thing left is to turn to the Big man upstairs and hope that a hastily constructed last-minute plea will make up for a semester of drinking and being too depressed to get out of bed. Now dust off your copy of the King James, break out Granny's rosary beads and get down on your knees. Law Soc Prayer
Our father, who art in the law library Extortionate be thy fee. Thy kingdom come Thy grateful son Will take advantage of all thy connections. Give us each day a high profile case And forgive us our coke habit As we forgive anything in exchange for a brown envelope And lead us not to pro-bono cases. But deliver us to mergers and acquisitions.
Players Prayer
Hail theatre, full of opportunity To make up for lack of personality. Blessed art we among philistines And blessed is the fruit of our creative genius. Holy Mary Mother of God, may we always be good looking. And never on the dole. Gaymen.
SMF/DUBES Penitential Act
I confess to abslutely no one, Keep it a secret, breathers and gals, That I have greatly committed fraud. In my offshore account And in my CSC report, In my tax returns And lost cheque book. Through creative accounting, Through creative accounting, Through my most creative accounting. Therefore, I ask my old pair, ever minted, All their powerful mates, And you, my breathers and gals, To cover for me, ‘Cause I’ll make it worth your while later. Amen
How are you supposed to focus on like, Marx, when Dublin isn’t the same anymore? Like, what could he possibly have to help with this situation? But Phil is like, discussing this, like social movement? and there’s all this context that you have to sift through, and it’s like, difficult to get a foot in the door? 1.
Claim very confidently that
As the fighter entered the arena to the sound of Dr. Dre’s classic single ‘Bitches Ain’t Shit’, it was clear that the days of domestic violence were numbered. The fighters’ obvious discomfort as they traded punches wearing thick gloves and protective headgear set a triumphant tone for the night as a whole. You could really feel it in the air that we were at a turning point for this issue as the crowd called for the blood of both opponents on stage while drinking copious amounts of alcohol. The Law Society, who are championing Women’s Aid as their chosen charity for the year, have tastefully combated the sensitive issue of recently with a charity boxing evening to raise money for the vital service. When asked about the irony of the method of fundraising, LawSoc
How to casually introduce your Erasmus anecdotes to your History TA Phil is just like, so receptive and cultured- he’s lived, like, all over Europe (well, Paris and a three month stint in Berlin, according to your cousin’s boyfriend, who knows his ex)- and that like, totally comes across in the way he teaches? And he would definitely appreciate the stories about Alex (a Tory, but like, kind of a socialist Tory).
LawSoc Smashes Domestic Violence with Charity Boxing event
you read this Marx/ Saint-Simon/ Cavielli/ Benjamin in the original German/French/Italian/German. There’s nuance that’s, like, not there in the English? a. It’s like how we were in [X module] and the Professor like, totally mangled [important English political work]. We all thought it was so funny! But of course, they’re all like that there! 2. Now talk about how long the lectures were and how much you can inhabit/analyse/experience l’espirit du texte. 3. We used to just, like, sit and listen to these incredible stories of like, scholarship. We used to just, sit beside the river? And drink beautiful wine? and talk seriously about politics and philosophy by the light of the cathedral? He’ll be putty in your hands, baby.
Charity Bro and All Around Gas Lad Bonathon Joylan shrugged his shoulders and gave the following comment: “Look dude, obviously it’s wrong to hit women but if someone punches me I’m punching them back, man. I don’t see gender, just a red haze over my eyesight as the primal instinct to attack takes over. I guess in that moment I return to my Neanderthal roots and engage the survival instinct we all have buried within us somewhere. Or something. I guess?” The mission of Women’s Aid is to end domestic violence and make women and children safe from domestic violence, and what better way to raise money for this worthy cause than to get two people to enter the ring and beat the shit out of each other?
Trinity College is renamed to University of Western Australia in bid to raise global university rankings In a bid to raise Trinity's global ranking from 164, the Provost has proposed to change the university's name from Trinity College Dublin to the name of one of the educational behemoths ahead of Trinity in the rankings like Korea University or the Karlsruhe Institute of Technology. In an interview with University Times, the Provost said he hoped the name change might fool the university rankings board into thinking the college was in a country which actually invested in its third level education.
“We found this solution was a lot cheaper an option than, let's say, caring about student welfare and I might be able to add another university name to my Linkedin which would be deadly” Critics argued this might hurt tourism to the college from yanks who are 1/32nd Irish and remember a time Trinity was an elite university. “A core part of the Trinity experience is telling american tourists where the Harry Potter room is. By renaming the university, we lose a part of what it means to be a Trinity wanker”.
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Halloween Edition, Edition 2019
Deposed DUCAC Chair Donagh McDonagh appointed next captain of Boaty McBoatface “I am the Captain now. I am the Captain tomorrow. I am the Captain who always was.” Donagh McDonagh surveys the clean grey deck of his 125-foot polar exploration liner glistening in the Bermudan sun. His face is red; so too are his arms and legs. Later, I find this is broadly true of the rest of his body. A pipe sits between a yellow moustache and a white and yellow beard. “They were going to call this bastard the RSS David Attenborough before I turned up, but I set things straight. You can’t have that old scrote hanging about the place forever.” Donagh Donagh Onagh Nagh Agh Gh H. McDonagh, 109, recently stepped down from his position as Chairman of Dublin University Central Athletics Committee (DUCAC), after being voted out, “ousted”, as he puts it, by one vote. “I suppose this is what happens when you have too much democratic in one place, when you as a person are too democracy. You become a member of the 48%.” While by no means bitter, McSquared claims he had brought to his position as Chair exactly the same principles of egalitarianism with which he executed a midnight mutiny to take hold of McBoatface, née Attenborough: “I prioritised the rowers. They’re the ones who can keep the boat moving, and when the boat’s moving, everyone’s happy. That’s democracism, just as Plato had it, and just as we have it now.” But wasn’t Plato’s conception of democracy as a drunken pleasure cruise, and doesn’t Boaty McBoatface have an engine? DcMonagh burps genially and takes me to see his quarters. We find a large white room with spacious portholes, a mahogany desk, and bookshelves replete with the Complete Works of Jerome K Jerome, Ford Madox Ford, and William Carlos
Final stages of TEP are implemented in an awards ceremony in the Trinity Business Building.
Williams. A low door leads to a windowless private sleeping area, with a king-sized bed bolted to the floor and a king-sized bed bolted to the ceiling. “We capsize a lot,” Donald McDonald explains, “especially when there are crew votes. A lot of them end up falling asleep after drinking the special decoction we pass round as part of the democracit ceremony.” He says the ritual has its origins in his days as Chair: “Most people don’t know that DUCAC owns the Pav, but they do (look it up, you fuck), and I learnt a lot about mixology in my time there. For instance, I learnt twenty different ways of preparing sleeping draughts as part of Pav Fridays, and right now I know (just by way of example, you understand) twenty different ways of preparing special electoral drinks which leave our floating society content and me sleeping on the ceiling.’ I leave Intosh McIntosh in his quarters to prepare for a late evening sunbathe and walk through to the mess hall. I am greeted by serried ranks of crew members standing to attention, each solemnly holding a white porcelain cup containing a thick, purplish liquid. Are they having a vote, I ask? “No, sir, we are writing. This is a writing drink,” a man says, stepping forward. “Would you care to sample some to aid your own work?” ***** Three months later, I leave Donagh D. O. N. A. G. H. McDonagh lounging on McBoatface’s deck wearing nothing more than a thick striped tie -- awarded for school rugby colours, he says -- stuck through with a DUCAC tie pin. “I wore this for so many years, to so many official dinners and legitimate, nationally regulated butter-eating competitions, it’s hard to get out of the habit of wearing it,” he notes reflectively. “Plus, the pin goes all the way through to my spine.”
Is She Into You? Or Is she Just Using You To Get Your Laptop Charger? You’re watching a vine compilation together on her laptop and a battery warning notifications appears, does she say… a) “What I want, you got” b) “Do you have the same laptop as me?” You come out of the library and she rushes over to you exclaiming… a) “I love you b*tch. I ain’t never gonna stop lovin’ you, b*tch.” b) “Hey! You! Do you need your charger for the next 2-3 hours??” You’re talking and she wishes she had more energy. She’s running on empty. She looks longingly into your eyes and says that maybe you could… a) “Baby, take me to that feeling.” b) “Is that a plug socket over there?” Her charger is broken, but through cunning use of tinfoil and a hex you manage to get it working again, she says…. a) “Country boy! I love you!” b) “Thanks a whole bunch” You’re giving her your charger and your hands briefly touch, she says…. a) “If you love me let me go.” b) “I knew I could count on you!” Mostly As She doesn’t like you, she just only has space in her life for vines. Mostly Bs Out of all the people she could ask for a laptop charger… she asked you. But yeah no, that’s all she wants from you.
Halloween Edition, October 2019
Caught in the Act!
COMING
SOON
to the Stella Theatre
Have you seen this man?
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