1562 by TNT Magazine

August 5-11 2013 Issue 1562 tntmagazine.com

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TICKETS TO HOMELANZ FOR YOU & FIVE MATES, PLUS BEER & FOOD!

BEYOND BEER IN MUNICH Surf rivers, hit the ‘beach’ and get high

TNT MEETS ELLYSE PERRY On playing cricket AND football for Oz

LIVE LIFE LIKE A DOMINATRIX How to whip yourself and others into shape

N O D N O L N I LAT

to cuisine ls a iv n r a c ital, from p a c e h t in e ltur Sunshine cu

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+ SAM SIMMONS’ SH*TTY TRIVIA WORK IN BEIJING AUSSIE VS ENGLISH WINES TRINIDAD & TOBAGO

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LAURA CHUBB EDITOR laura.chubb@tntmagazine.com

EDITOR’S LETTER London isn’t only about the ‘best of British’. It’s a cliché, but ‘cultural melting pot’ really does describe this city best, and for us lucky enough to be living among the chaos, that pot is overflowing with new stuff to see, do and discover every day. And as two events this month look to celebrate the best of Latin culture in London, we thought it was a good opportunity to explore more of Latin flavour in the capital. Turn to P8 for a taste.

THIS WEEK

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FEATURES LATINO LOVE-IN

Join in Latin ﬁestas, plus the best of South American culture and cuisine in the capital

SHITTY TRIVIA

Surreal Aussie comic Sam Simmons tells TNT about his new bizarro show in Soho

DIARY

DOMINATRIX LIFE SKILLS

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An expert in S&M shows us how to become master of everything at home and at work

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TNT pits Australia against England to discover who has the greatest grapes

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BEYOND BEER

Munich is best known for Oktoberfest, but we ﬁnd there’s more to explore

TRINIDAD & TOBAGO

Check out the ‘real’ Caribbean, from great diving to giant leatherback turtles

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TNT SOCIAL EVENTS TNT knows how to throw a good party. And now you’re invited – for free! Whether it’s a BBQ on Australia Day, or a fancy dress party at Halloween, we’ve got your social calendar sorted. All VIPs get entry to TNT events.

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Editorial Group editor Carol Driver Editor Laura Chubb Content editors: Sub/ Sport Michael Gadd Travel Helen Elfer Entertainment Alasdair Morton Web Oliver Jones Social media Dan Thorne Contributor Caroline Garnar Design and production Head of design and production Lisa Ferron Design / picture editor Patricia Montenegro

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EastEnder: Danny Boyle curates a film festival in his neighbourhood

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Shhh... SECRET LONDON shuffle film festival east london

After directing the Olympic Opening Ceremony last year in east London, you’d think Oscar-winning film director Danny Boyle would be after a change of scenery for a while. Not so. The Mancunian, who has lived in the East End for many years, has chosen to curate a film festival there this summer. There will be indoor and outdoor screenings, including Boyle works Slumdog Millionaire, Trainspotting and Shallow Grave, plus Q&As with the man himself, alongside exhibitions, DJs and some of Boyle’s own favourite movies. £15+

Aug 8-18, times vary St Clement’s Social Club, E3 4LH

luke mcgregor The Melbourne International Comedy Festival’s Best Newcomer winner for the year brings his debut show, My Soulmate Is Out Of My League, to town. In it the young stand-up faces his three fears: asking women out, sharks and elevators, all in one go – by dating a female shark in an elevator. £10+

TNT Magazine is printed on paper from sustainable forests. There is no business connection between the proprietors of this magazine and TNT Ltd, the worldwide transportation group. Copyright here and abroad of all original materials is held by TNT Magazine. Reproduction in whole or part is forbidden, except with permission of the publishers. Registered as a newspaper at the Post Office.

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Aug 5-17, 7.30pm Soho Theatre, W1D 3NE Tottenham Court Road sohotheatre.com

Bow

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the scoop at more london

bridge to bridge swim

This riverside amphitheatre next to City Hall hosts a wealth of free events over the summer from movies and music to theatre. Every Wednesday to Sunday the Free Open Air Theatre Season presents Thebans, two productions – Prince of Thebes (6pm) and then Oedipus And Antigone (8pm) – inspired by the titular ancient Greek city.

One of three prestigious Bridgeto-Bridge swims over the season that begin at Henley-upon-Thames. This one starts at the famous Henley bridge and heads 14km to Harlow. It’s strictly for challenge-seekers, but does come with the added incentive that the swim is downstream, which makes it much, much easier.

Aug 7-Sep 1, from 6pm SE1 2DB London Bridge morelondon.com

Aug 11, 6.30am Henley-on-Thames, RG9 2LW Henley henleyswim.com

FREE

£77

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Hollywood horror: this immersive show merges reality and fantasy

THE DROWNED MAN Paddington

The Punchdrunk Theatre Company has returned to London with its latest sensory-assaulting, immersive mindfuck of a production, The Drowned Man: A Hollywood Fable. Enter, if you dare, and you’ll be plunged into a nightmarish vision of Hollywood centred around Temple Pictures, where you’ll move through four different theatrical arenas in which reality and fantasy collide. £47.50

Until Dec 30, Tue-Thur, 10pm; Fri & Sat, 8pm & midnight; Sun, 8pm 31 London Street, W2 1DJ Paddington nationaltheatre.org.uk

THE SKETCHBOOK EXHIBITION

[TITLE OF SHOW]

The Graffiti Life Gallery unveils its second exhibition of the summer, The Sketchbook Show, which incorporates the work of 50 artists who have all donated raw and uncut work including illustrations, graffiti, design and animations, from their own sketchbooks. Personal viewing by appointment.

This Broadway hit musical is about two friends who decide to write a new production in three weeks for the New York Musical Theatre Festival, only to find their pressuredriven exploits are more entertaining than their actual product, so they focus the show on that instead. Fiendishly postmodern.

Until Sep 2, Sun only, 11am-4pm The Graffiti Life Gallery, E2 6EH Liverpool Street thegrafittilifegallery.co.uk

Aug 7-Sep 14, 7pm Landor Theatre, SW9 9PH Clapham North landortheatre.co.uk

Photos: Simon Kane

FREE

£15+

‘the butcher for all your needs’ polskie mięso, mi so, wę wędliny i kiełbasy kiełbasy łbasy

BUTCHERS

Let’s salsa: action from last year’s Latidos

Viva Latin London Local World Arts and Latidos are just two of the upcoming events showcasing colourful Latino culture in London Words michael gadd Everyone knows there’s nothing quite like Latin passion, and London’s Latino community is bringing it to a number of events in the city this summer that showcase the vibrant music, food and dance that falls under their broad cultural banner. “Latin culture by definition is very inclusive, because it draws from so many places and other smaller cultures – it doesn’t matter where you are from, it’s all about sharing [that] passion,” says Jose Luis, a Londoner of 15 years who hails from Venezuela and is one of the brains behind Carnaval del Pueblo, a festival which was the second-largest of its kind – behind Notting Hill – before funding cuts and the shutdown of its venue last year. The Carnaval is set to return though, bigger and better, starting with a warm-up day on Aug 11 at Coronet in Elephant & Castle, a taster for a 2014 fiesta in Burgess Park. DJ and events specialist Luis, who runs the Latin UK Awards and La Bomba for Ministry of Sound, is calling the del Pueblo preview with Local World Arts a “showcase of things to come”. Above all, it’s “a really fun day that’s all about the music and food 8

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and culture. If you’re not Latino in the blood, you can still be part of the culture,” he says. “Come and have a good time, a little dance and some fantastic food – we are always wanting to share what we have.” Along with music and art, live acts featured at the LWA Festival include Combe, a soulful London-based Latino band, and Los Niños Vallenatos, an 11-piece Colombian folk accordion group revered around the globe. Musician and performer Luis Lema is singing from the same hymn book as Luis. Lema, who’s lived in the UK for 20 years since coming here from Colombia, will perform as part of the Latidos Latin American Festival, another colourful celebration at Coronet on August 18. Latidos is focusing on different, specific aspects of Latino culture, and how they relate, with music, art, dance, workshops and a 10 DJ-strong afterparty until late. From 1pm there will be music on the main stage from Peru, Ecuador, Brazil, Mexico, the Andes, Cuba and Colombia, wrapping up with Luis Lema and his Colombian Band 1600. “My folk music is exposing the Afro-

Colombian music you don’t see very often here,” he tells us proudly. “It’s very tropical, it’s very, very fresh…” He pauses for a moment. “It’s like oranges.” Who could deny themselves that? “It’s upbeat, like Carnival, and puts people into a holiday time. Free flowing – perfect to dance and feel it.” You can also learn various Latin dance styles at the event to ensure you do Lema’s work justice. If Lema sounds proud of his own music, he’s even more enthusiastic about sharing his and other cultures as a team with his fellow Londoners. “It’s amazing to be able to bring all of these cultures together as one and bring in our new friends too,” he says. Following the live programme is an after party featuring the gamut of Latino styles across three rooms. So what are you waiting for? Get a taste of some Latin flavour. (And see our pick of best Mexican eats on P12.) MORE LATINO LONDON ›› Local World Arts Festival, Aug 11, 2pm-6pm, £10. Latidos, Aug 18, 1pm-6pm, free; 6pm-10pm, £5; after party, 10pm-late Coronet, SE1 6TJ Elephant & Castle latidos.co.uk; coronettheatre.co.uk

Afro-Colombian: Luis Lema and his band

Theatre, Art, Musi

c, Debate, Commu

nity

27 September - 6 October Rich Mix, Barbican, ILAS www.casafestival.org.uk Twitter: @CasaFestival fb.com/CasaLatinAmericanTheatreFestival Supported by

Made In Brasil Brazilian Restaurant & Cocktail Bar

Vibrant: London-based Latino group Cumbe

VOTED THE BEST BRAZILIAN RESTAURANT IN TOWN • TRADITIONAL & MODERN BRAZILIAN CUISINE • BIGGEST CACHACA COLLECTION IN THE U.K. • SPECIAL OFFERS EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK

LIVE BRAZILIAN ENTERTAINMENT DAILY Brazilian Bands & Top DJs Playing The Best Of Samba, Bossa Nova, MPB & Brazilian & Latino House Music

Folk: members of Los Niños Vallenatos

www.madeinbrasil.co.uk 02074820777 info@madeinbrasil.co.uk 12 Inverness Street, London, Camden Town NW1 7HJ

sushisamba LIVERPOOL STREET

salsa! CHARING CROSS

This swank fusion eatery blends Brazilian, Peruvian and, er, Japanese flavours to create a unique cuisine that first found popularity in NYC and has since gone on to take Miami, Chicago, Vegas and London – in the City’s tallest building, Heron Tower, no less. Wrap your tastebuds around mongrel dishes including wagyu gyoza, yellowtail taquitos and sushi ceviche. Big yum.

Bring your best moves to Salsa! on Friday and Saturday nights, when live bands play Latin music for you to salsa, merengue and lambada to. Got no clue how to bring the snake hips? There are dance classes every night – including the Friday and Saturday – with some offered for free and others costing a fiver. Check the website for class times, as they cater to beginner, intermediate and advanced.

£10+

Sun-Thur,11.30am-12.30am; Fri-Sat, 11.30am-1.30am 110 Bishopsgate, EC2N 4AY Liverpool Street sushisamba.com

£5

Hamlet de los Andes barbican Flex your brain cells at this production that takes Shakespeare’s Hamlet and transports the action to Bolivia, with a company of three actors and a musician playing 15 characters. This politically charged interpretation tackles the plight of the thousands of Bolivians who leave their rural homes for the city in hope of a better life. £16

Sun-Thur, 5pm-2am; Fri-Sat, 5pm-3am 96 Charing Cross Road, WC2H 0JG Tottenham Court Road bar-salsa.com

Oct 2-3, 7.45pm Silk Street, EC2Y 8DS Barbican barbican.org.uk

floridita SOHO

made in brasil CAMDEN

This chic Cuban bar is based on the original El Floridita, the legendary drinking hole which opened more than 150 years ago in Havana. Currently offers a boozy gelato bar alongside Latino food, drink and live music.

Camden’s Brazilian beach bar has live music most nights, from DJs playing funky party tunes to bands banging out Brazilian reggae and samba and bossa classics. Also serves traditional food and various fruity flavours of caipirinha.

Tue-Wed, 5.30pm-2am; Thur-Sat, 5.30pm-3am 100 Wardour Street, W1F 0TN Tottenham Court Road floriditalondon.com

Sun-Thur, 12pm-1am; Fri-Sat, 12pm-2am 12 Inverness Street, NW1 7HJ Camden Town made-in-brasil.co.uk

sabor ANGEL

santa maria DEL SUR BATTERSEA

£9.50+

ceviche SOHO This brilliant little Soho spot serves Peruvian small plates (above) and pisco (Peruvian grape brandy) cocktails, with a special focus on Peru’s favourite national dish, ceviche (raw seafood marinated in citrus juices). Be warned, you’ll want to order everything, and with dishes averaging at about £8 you can rack up quite the bill (but it’s worth it). The menu has a grilled skewer section if you’re not a seafoodie. £10+

Mon-Sat, 12pm-11.30pm; Sun, 12pm-10.15pm 17 Frith Street, W1D 4RG Tottenham Court Road cevicheuk.com

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This colourful spot serves ‘nuevo Latino’ cuisine, representing the best of the countries’ dishes (empanadas, quesadillas, ceviche, melt-in-the-mouth steak, etc). £6+

Tue-Sun, 6pm-11pm 108 Essex Road, N1 8LX Angel sabor.co.uk

£5.95+

guanabara COVENT GARDEN

A neighbourhood Argentine grill, this eatery also serves up regular nights of Argentine live music – mostly tango-worthy guitar.

There’s a party at this legendary Brazilian club/ restaurant/ bar (above) every night of the week, with DJs and live bands playing Latino tunes, plus live acts at the weekends showing off their capoeira (a Brazilian hybrid of martial arts and dance), samba and even circus skills. Some events are free, while others will charge £5-£10 after 9pm. There are also loads of happy hour deals.

Mon-Sun, 12pm-3pm; 6pm-12am 129 Queenstown Rd, SW8 3RH Clapham Common Queenstown Road santamariadelsur.co.uk

Mon-Sat, 5pm-2.30am; Sun, 5pm-12am Parker Street, WC2B 5PW Covent Garden guanabara.co.uk

£14+

£5+

forgery CAMDEN

cuba libre ANGEL

This regular Friday club night at The Forge & Foundry (free entry) sees DJ Patrick Forge play Latin and Afro tunes to fill the dancefloor, blending jazz, Brazilian and soul into the mix to create irresistible rhythms and seductive grooves. Don’t bother turning up if you’re not pumped to dance.

A lively little spot among the throngs of bars and restaurants on Upper Street, Cuba Libre serves Latino tapas and more hefty Cuban cuisine, plus plenty of rum-drenched cocktails. The brightly painted walls and tiles, hanging lanterns and drifting Latin music really do transport you from the traffic-packed streets of Islington, plus there are happy hour deals all week. £7+

FREE

Fridays, 10.30pm-1am 3-7 Delancey Street, NW1 7NL Camden Town forgevenue.org

DOWN MEXICO WAY BETHNAL GREEN Mexican writers Juan Pablo Villalobos (Down The Rabbit Hole) and DBC Pierre (Vernon God Little, above) host an evening at Rich Mix, reading excerpts from their new works, sharing the music that inspired them and maybe even shooting a tequila or two. Not likely to be a stuffy literary event, Moshi Moshi Records guest DJ on the night. £4

Sun-Thur, 2pm-11pm; Fri-Sat, 2pm-12am 72 Upper Street, N1 0NY Angel cubalibrelondon.co.uk

Sep 6, 8pm 35-47 Bethnal Green Road, E1 6LA Shoreditch High Street richmix.org.uk

buen ayre EAST LONDON We heard whispers of “better than Hawksmoor” from fellow diners the last time we visited this exceptional Argentine grill on Broadway Market (above). And it should be incredible – chef John Patrick Rattagan was born in Buenos Aires. Treat yourself and try the truly monstrous parrillada mixta – probably a challenge for three, never mind two – which delivers a sizzling grill piled with various steaks, Argentinestyle pork sausage, black pudding, provolone cheese and mushrooms with pesto – for an uncommonly reasonable £20.50 each.

Photos: Buen Ayre Argentinian Grill; Facebook; Ronald Batalini; Valentino Saldivar; Sarah Lee; richmix.org.uk

£13.50+

Mon-Fri, 12pm-3pm & 6pm10.30pm; Sat-Sun, 12pm-3.30pm & 6pm-10.30pm Broadway Market, E8 4QJ Hoxton buenayre.co.uk

rodizio rico FULHAM

lima fitzrovia

Grilled meat is sliced straight from skewers onto your plate the traditional Brazilian way at this eatery, with beef, lamb, pork and chicken all on offer. Pay £25 and scoff as much as you want – flip over a card when you can simply stuff yourself no more.

Another posh Peruvian joint, Lima is making a case for Peru as the gastronomic capital of the Americas. Ceviche, Amazonian fish, lamb shoulder with pisco and suckling pig all feature.

£25

Mon-Thur, 5.30pm-11.30pm; Fri-Sat, 12pm-4pm & 5.30pmmidnight; Sun, 12pm-11pm 11 Jerdan Place, SW6 1BE Fulham Broadway rodiziorico.com

floripa SHOREDITCH

£16+

Mon-Sat, 12pm-2.30pm & 5.30pm-10.30pm 31 Rathbone Place, W1T 1JH Tottenham Court Road limalondon.com

the cuban the city

Sunny Brazilian ‘beach shack’ bar with food, cahaça cocktails and dancing on tables.

Rum and mojitos are a speciality here, it’s happy hour 5pm-8pm every day and there are salsa classes most nights. There’s tapas too if you’re not looking to pig out.

Tue-Thur, 5pm-1am; Fri-Sat, 5pm-2am; Sun, 1pm-midnight 91-93 Great Eastern Street, EC2A 3HZ Old Street floripalondon.com

Mon-Fri, 10am ‘til late City Point, 1 Ropemaker Street, EC2Y 9AW Moorgate thecubanbar.com

£7+

£6.95+

barrio east SHOREDITCH A slice of sunny paradise on Shoreditch High Street, Latino-themed Barrio East (above) has a formidable cocktail list (split into new releases, remixes and greatest hits), plus a daily ‘Amigo Hour’, where classic cocktails are £4.50, bottled beers are £3 and there’s £5 off selected bottles of vino. To keep the happy holiday vibes flowing, it’s on every day between 4pm and 8pm. Score. The decor is so bright and inviting it’s like being handed an instant vaycay. £8.50+

Mon-Fri, 3pm-2am; Sat-Sun, 11am-2am 141-143 Shoreditch High Street, E1 6JE Shoreditch High Street barrioeast.com

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LONDONDRINKS

THE NARROWBOAT

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Atmospheric: relax riverside

PUB

The Narrowboat has the kind of idyllic setting that would only feature in the wildest dreams of most London publicans. Right on Regent’s Canal, this lovely two-storey pub looks out over the water, and has an upstairs balcony where you can sit out and watch the boats go by. Limited seating means regulars – a trendy north London bunch – often spill out onto the towpath with their pints in the hot weather. It’s definitely a summertime pub, but even in colder months The Narrowboat is still a cosy, atmospheric place for a drink. THE GRUB Light lunches to sharing platters and the all-important Sunday roasts. It’s typical gastro-pub fare, hearty but posh platefuls (e.g, bangers and mash with red wine gravy for £10.95 or the Allotment Board with pumpkin and blue cheese pasties, baked camembert and more for £15.50) and for the most part, done well. The only downside is that when the pub is busy (on sunny weekends the place is rammed) the kitchen struggles, so expect slow service and some unavailable dishes. THE SCENE

The drinks selection is superb here, with cask ales, craft beers and a lengthy wine list on offer, plus the pub’s bespoke Regent’s Gold brew. BILL PLEASE Beer from £3.50 per bottle, wine from £14.95 per bottle. VERDICT You couldn’t find a more scenic spot to drink during the summer, so make a visit while the hot weather lasts. HELEN ELFER BEHIND THE BAR

119 St Peters Street, Islington, N1 8PZ

3 OF THE BEST MEXICAN EATS

thenarrowboatpub.com

Angel

CAFE CHULA

LA BODEGA NEGRA

DEATH BY BURRITO

This Camden fave is wellloved for its (lethal) tequila cocktails and does great tacos (try the beer battered crispy fish) and eggs (think breakfast burrito; scrambled egg with chorizo) – and at bargain prices (from £5.50).

Perhaps taking inspiration from its Soho surroundings, this popular joint looks like a seedy sex shop from outside, but once behind the neon facade you’re in a candlelit den decorated with tequila barrels. Mains from £16.50.

The Rebel Dining Society’s ace Mexican street food residency in Shoreditch bar Catch is best for pulled pork burritos and mean-business cocktails (Death By Julep, anyone?). Tacos/ burritos from £6.50/ £9.50.

cafechula.co.uk

A revolutionary new concept in seafood dining, sourcing the best sustainable fish on a daily basis from our own fisheries in Cornwall and encouraging you to create your own dish

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4 Inverness Street, Camden Town, London NW1 7HJ info@simplyfish.com | 020 7482 2977

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On deck: straight from boat to plate

‘FIVE AT FIVE’ Five drinks and five snacks for £25 – we’re sold anyways, but throw in a sweet view of Queen Elizabeth Olympic Park and the City skyline and we’re powerless to resist. The Stadium View Bar & Terrace at the Holiday Inn Stratford City is now offering this perfect post-work pick-me-up between 5pm and 7pm every day. The ‘Five at Five’ menu includes wine, beer and tapas-style light bites such as cheese and jalapeno dough balls, barbecue chicken wings and nachos. Eating is not cheating here. hilondonstratford.co.uk

FOODIE FLUTTER Mark September 7 in your diary: it’s the Festival of Food and Wine Raceday at Ascot. Take time between races to sample the best produce the local area has to offer and get advice on how to pair wine with any purchases. Celeb chef James Martin (Saturday Kitchen) will also be there, giving live cooking demos and putting together a special menu for the Windsor Forest Restaurant. Raceday tickets start at £16pp. Gambling and grub – what could go wrong? ascot.co.uk

Photos: lovetheprincess.com

BBQ WITH BANKSY Try a barbecue with a Brit twist this summer – Primrose Hill pub The Princess of Wales has a beer garden that’s home to a true Banksy (above), which ‘mysteriously appeared’ in June 2011. It’s currently £12 for a barbecue buffet in the ‘Banksy beer garden’ and 2-4-1 cocktails between 6pm and 8pm.

simply fish FISH

This new offshoot of Simply Fish’s Camden restaurant is quickly becoming noted for its sustainably sourced British fish. Situated on top of Boxpark Shoreditch’s amassed containers, it has a light spacious interior but is more about the extensive outdoor seating, where you can dine while watching the East End – City folk, shoppers, creative types and impossibly cool hipsters – walk by. The grub The menu features an array of small plates (the marinated prawns in garlic and chilli are chunky and deliciously spiced; the chilli salt squid with spring onion an equally appetising starter). The mains require you to make four decisions, firstly which fish you want (eight jostle for your affection), then how you want it cooked (baked, steamed, pan-fried or in a tempura batter), then your sauce (everything from citrus anchovy butter to a Thai coconut accompaniment) and, lastly, your side (sweet potato wedges, seasonal vegetables, braised lentils and more). I opt for a pan-fried sea bream, which is cooked to perfection and impressively fresh on the palette (all fish is sourced from day-boats off the coast of Cornwall) along with a soy, ginger and oyster sauce pak choy. My partner opts for one of the non-multiple choice mains, and after sailing down the menu, taking momentary gazes at the jerk butterfly sea bass and seared Japanese marinated salmon, opts for the Mediterranean fish stew, which is a frothy tomato-based concoction primed with tuna, mussels and prawns. Our sturdily healthy meal is then somewhat undone by a vanilla cheesecake with berry compote, which is stodgy and fabulously indulgent in all the right ways. THE SCENE

A trio of cocktails (Mojito, Bloody Mary and Cosmopolitan) are all equally fresh and enjoyable, with beers (San Miguel, Meantime Wheat Beer, Corona and more) and a fairly diverse wine list also on offer. Bill please Small plates from £4; specials from £10; mains £12.50; desserts from £5. verdict Fresh fish that is tasty and healthy, in a super trendy East End location. am Behind the bar

lovetheprincess.com Unit 42-34 Boxpark, 2-4 Bethnal Green Road, E1 6GY

Liverpool Street

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Re: TNT campaign, UKBA shambles: My father was born in the UK and I in the US. By the Nationality Act of 1948 I have citizenship by descent, and thus I qualify to have a British passport. But, I need my parents’ marriage certificate, which I can’t get due to a technicality under New York State law. People born after 2006 don’t need one. So what do I do? Can I get some sort of waiver or do I have to lobby Parliament to get the law changed? Meanwhile, I have a very bitter fight going on with very evil UKBA. Ejblett, via tntmagazine.com LOTW wins a three-day tour of Ireland with Shamrocker shamrockeradventures.com

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Great southern lands: Blue King Brown lead the Saffa, Kiwi and Aussie charge

festival

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green man

homelanz Boston Manor Park, TW8 9JX Sat, aug 10 | Doors at 11am | £30

Black Mountains, Wales, NP8 1LP. £145. Abergavenny

Aug 15-18

Ben Howard, Band of Horses and Kings of Convenience headline this Brecon Beacons-based festival which celebrates its 10th year this summer. But it is about far more than just the main stage. Fuck Buttons bring the noise to the Far Out Stage, Erol Alkan’s on the Far Out After Dark Stage and the likes of Kiwi Jarred Christmas (below) can be found in the comedy tent. And then there’s Einstein’s Garden, which has everything from folk and steampunk to rock, cabaret and literary artists. greenman.net

The best culture, food and sounds from the southern hemisphere come to London this weekend for the day-long Homelanz festival. Eight-piece Australian urban roots band Blue King Brown (above) headline the main stage, along with Kiwi seven-piece Tahuna Breaks and the fantastically named Desmond And The Tutus, who fuse rock ‘n’ roll and indie Kwela pop. Ngati Ranana will be bringing waiata and haka performance to the show, with Londonbased Kiwi singer-songwriter Glen Aitken the first up on the main stage. The Global stage will see performances from the likes of platinum-selling New Zealanders I Am Giant, lawyer-turned-pop-star Bowie Jane, South Africans Munkinpure (see Chatroom P23), the newly relocated to London New Zealanders This Flight Tonight, and Mooga Fooga, who throw everything from funk, soul, jazz and rock into their genre-crossing sound. This year also sees the addition of an acoustic stage where you can catch the likes of Essex-based South African Jackob Deist, Tamahere-born indie popper Abby Holden, acoustic rocker Dave Gander, Kiwi singer-songwriter Ny Oh and London-based Aussie Mike Gill. There will also be a silent disco with DJs Adi Dick and Sweet Mix Kids and you’ll be able to sate your hunger for tastes from back home with tucker courtesy of SANZA, Limpopo, Tasty Cakey and the Antipodean Sommelier. To get it all started, the Nomad Cinema will be screening Aussie cult classic Priscilla: Queen Of The Desert, too. What more could you ask for? Boston Manor

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NEW BAND

bat for lashes GIG Tue, aug 13. 7pm £22.50

Natasha Khan’s third album, this year’s The Haunted Man, came after a self-confessed period of writer’s block brought on by touring, after which she turned to drawing for inspiration. The LP is one of her strongest, and she will be delving into its moody atmospherics and her Mercury-nommed back catalogue this evening. Shepherd’s Bush Empire W12 8TT Shepherd’s Bush o2shepherdsbushempire.co.uk

club de fromage

connected

CLUB

sat, aug 10. 10.30pm-3am £8+

sat, aug 10. 10pm-6am £15

Fat Tony throws this Wild Wild West-themed pop and rock show to honour the release of the new Johnny Depp-starring The Lone Ranger movie. Fancy dress is encouraged, so get decked out like a cowboy or Indian, and get down to lose your shit to the best pop and rock songs of the past 50 years, from The Killers to Queen.

House legend Clive Henry, Parisian Julien Chaptal and Danny Clancy and Kieran Clancy, the founders, organisers and resident DJs at cutting edge London party Krankbrother, line up at this newly relocated night that has shifted its base from former home Cable to this new Vauxhall abode.

O2 Academy Islington 16 Parkfield Street, N1 0PS Angel o2academyislington.co.uk

Lightbox 6A South Lambeth Place, Vauxhall, SW8 1SP Vauxhall connectedevents.co.uk

patchy The buzz so far This south London songstress’s debut single, Picnic, was out earlier this year, and announced her arrival with its dark electrosynths and pure pop. “[Debut LP] Illuminations spans over a decade and covers some of the most fun and memorable times, as well as being used as a way of venting and getting through the harder times,” Patchy says of her first album. Minimal, full of kitsch bleeps, and dreamy soundscapes, it’s a popfuelled slice of electronica. The Critics say “Warbling electronic sound and decent melody” Big-in-the-game.com

Illuminations is out now through Manual Music. Patchy plays Finnstock. Aug 10. 2pm2am. £10 SE1 7JS Vauxhall patchyofficial.com

Photos: Getty

the plug

visions festival

motek: forrest

josephine & turin brakes

GIG

CLUB

GIG

sat, aug 10. 1pm till late £25+

sat, aug 10. 3pm-12am £10

wed, aug 14. 7pm £10

This city-based event looks to take the festival back from the muddy fields and into more engaging settings. Oval Space, Netil House and London Fields Brewhouse will host the likes of Cloud Nothings, Iceage, !!! (Chk Chk Chk), Fucked Up, Echo Lake and loads more musical spectrum-spanning bands and artists.

Up-and-coming tunesmith Forrest (above) is the main attraction at this afternoon and evening of tunes and rays in east London. The young Canadian, who has recently relocated to the capital, has worked with the likes of Avatism, Eric Volta and Tom Budden and found himself a fan in none other than Pete Tong. One to watch.

This soulful Manchester singer’s debut album, Portrait, which was out last year, was a distinctive collection of songs led by her attention-demanding voice. She’s been playing live since her teens, with the likes of Jimmy Cliff, Paolo Nutini and Michael Kiwanuka, and has very special guests in the shape of Turin Brakes.

Oval Space/ London Fields Brewhouse/ Netil House E2 9DT/ E8 3RR/ E8 3RL Various visionsfestival.com

Dalston Roof Park 18-22 Ashwin Street, E8 3DL Dalston Kingsland dalstonroofpark.co.uk

The Borderline Orange Yard, W1D 4JB Tottenham Court Road mamacolive.com/theborderline

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WIN YOU & 5 MATES TICKETS & HOMELANZ HAMPER WORTH £500 TNT is offering one lucky winner and five mates tickets to Homelanz and a Homelanz Hamper, so not only do you get to go to this cracking festival, but you can kick-start the day with a range of southern hemisphere treats, including pies and pav! Kia ora, g’day, howzit and welcome to the third Homelanz. Homelanz is an annual one-day summer festival celebrating some of the best southern hemisphere music, entertainment, culture, food and drink, creating a home away from home in a friendly, convenient, leafy corner of west London.

Our favourite London and overseasbased Kiwi, Aussie and South African musicians, plus exciting new local talent, will be performing on the main stage and top DJs will pump the tunes in the massively popular Silent Disco. It’s not just about the music though, with plenty of food and wine stands to cater for all tastes, cultural performances, a sponsored chill-out area, the rugby bus and a kids zone, keeping young and old entertained. Everyone is welcome to enjoy an authentic southern hemisphere experience on a summer afternoon. Enter at tntmagazine.com/competitions homelanz.co.uk

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Travis Marc

South African alt-rockers Munkinpure’s drummer/ singer on loving London, their new album and Homelanz INTERVIEW alasdair morton

You’re playing Homelanz festival this week, are you looking forward to it? We can’t wait, we’ve been putting songs together for a new album for the last six weeks and are going to showcase some there. We’re hoping to bring a few surprises as well, and we will film our set there, like last year, and are going to then turn that into a music video. You’re the drummer and singer, how did this unusual dynamic come about? [Munkinpure bassist] Daryl [Chad du Plooy] and myself have been playing together since we were teenagers. With your first band you think you’re going to play the world and dominate the charts and you have all these ambitions, which are good but not really very realistic. Our guitarist and singer wrote all the songs then and we just played [them]. One day Daryl brought a cool Rage Against The Machine-type song to band practice, but the singer refused to sing it, so I did. I had never sung before in my life. I still don’t regard myself as a singer – I am a drummer who happens to sing and people seem to put up with it. According to our management we should think about getting a new drummer in, though. How do you feel about that? We’ve auditioned other drummers, maybe 15 over the years, but it’s never worked out. I have achieved a lot as a drummer – I’ve played on quite a few people’s albums, I have some great endorsements [drum kit companies Zildjian, Cympad and Baskey] and I have toured the world. Sometimes drummers who haven’t done that feel intimidated and don’t do themselves justice. We were thinking of doing it in time for Homelanz but decided it was too short notice. It is a big stage and a nice fest so we don’t want to make any big, short notice changes. And you’re used to playing as a trio… We have been playing as a trio for years and we are so tight and well-rehearsed – you can always tell the difference between bands that have done 500 shows together and those that have done five because a chemistry develops. Tell us about the new album… We don’t have too many confirmed details, but

Threesome: Darryl, Jim and Travis we know who we want to work with. We did the last EP [A Different Kind Of Beat] ourselves, and we are going to do the recording ourselves again. I’ll go to Darby Todd’s [studio] – he is the drummer for The Darkness and Hot Leg – and record the drums there. Then we’ll take it all to Chris Brink [ex-South African band Tweak] and see what we come up with. You relocated to London in 2010 – what prompted the move? Daryl and I used to play in another band in 2004/ 05 and we got a contract in South Africa, then a showcase for Mercury Records over here at the end of 2005. The long and short of it is the band fell apart, but I fell in love with this place – not the weather so much but everything else. So when the band went home I stayed and started working on more songs and playing lots of gigs. When did you form Munkinpure? Those songs became Munkinpure songs. I played everything on the first demos then went back to South Africa and put a band together with Daryl again. We automatically had more of a British indie sound and fitted in far more with what was going on here than back home, so when the time was right we moved to the UK. But only Daryl and I came so we got this British guitarist, Jim, in. I have known him for 10 years and he’s one of the best guitarists I’ve seen.

The UK has been a big influence then… People think we are a South African band, which we are, but we started here. We are big rugby supporters, go to South African bars all the time. You can’t help run into South Africans here – there are so many. What has been your favourite on-stage moment with Munkinpure? It is always cool when people know the words to your songs. Sometimes when I am on stage with Munkinpure, who I consider my band although I play in loads of others, I never have to worry about anything as we are so well rehearsed. As hippy as this sounds, it is good to step outside of yourself and take in what is going on – making music with two of your best friends. Did you used to worry about on-stage mistakes more? When I was younger I’d come off stage and go ‘dude, we messed up the harmonies on that bit’ or ‘the chords there’. But life is too short. Now, if bits go wrong they go wrong. It’s about being real in the moment. Music has become so mass produced that no one appreciates the real bits of it anymore. Munkinpure play Homelanz. Aug 10. £30. Boston Manor Park, Brentford, TW8 9JX Boston Manor homelanz.co.uk

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Laugh monger: the best kind of monger

alan paRtridge: alpha papa FILM review by Alasdair Morton Starring: Steve Coogan, Colm Meaney | 15 | 90mins | Out Aug 7

grown ups 2 FILM Starring: Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Chris Rock | 12A | 102mins

Adam Sandler continues to show that critical mauling means nothing – he picked up a record number of Razzies last year for Jack And Jill (with Grown Ups 2 helmer and longtime collaborator director Dennis Dugan), but is now back with a sequel to his less-than-brill 2011 comedy about childhood friends reconvening to reminisce with a total lack of maturity. For Sandler diehards. On general release Aug 9

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Chat show host-turned-radio DJ Alan Partridge hits the big screen in this raucous hostage drama marrying the character’s petty charm with film’s cinematic demands. Partridge, host of Mid Morning Matters on North Norfolk Digital, becomes the inadvertent negotiator when fellow DJ, Pat Farrell (Colm Meaney), irked when he’s ousted by new station owners, brandishes a shotgun and takes everyone in the station hostage. Partridge’s popularity skyrockets as the media descend, and he’s not about to miss a trick to promote his own career. There was the worry that in the move to film the witticisms which made this bumbling Brit such a national treasure could be lost. But Steve Coogan and writers ensure Partridge’s narcissism remains untouched – his desperate lack of loyalty makes him the best kind of anti-hero as he becomes ‘Alan Partridge: Action Hero’. The bigger, brasher tone leads to a few missteps, and the lower brow humour that creeps in – a naked window escape and faeces-filled lunch box – seem to belong in another movie. But Alpha Papa is at its best when Partridge is Partridge, singing along to Roachford in the car or asking his listeners which sort of monger is the worst – fish, iron, rumour or war? It’s a deserved triumph, a comedy that is defiantly British and which makes the long wait for Partridge’s cinematic debut wholly worth it. Good for: Another eminently quotable entry in the Partridge franchise.

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phoenix fringe comedy festival

GIGGLE!

COMEDY

Love comedy but can’t make it to the Edinburgh Fringe this year? Fear not, Tiffany Stevenson (right) and chums have this London comedy fest, with – deep breath – Joel Dommett, Alan Davies, Paul Sinha, Isy Suttie, Katherine Ryan, Mark Watson, Rob Ince and more. One venue, eight days, 34 shows – what more could you want? The Phoenix Cavendish Square, W1G 0PP. Until Aug 11. £10+ Oxford Circus phoenixfringe.co.uk

hahn/ cock: katharina fritsch

a season in the congo

EXHIBITION

THEATRE

There were many who criticised the choice for the Trafalgar Square Fourth Plinth’s latest art work, but plenty think that this giant blue cock, or Hahn/ Cock to give its proper name, is pretty damn wonderful. A giant brightly coloured moment of humour amidst the grey soldier men on this iconic landmark’s other podiums.

Film director Joe Wright’s richly staged production – about the first democratically elected prime minister of the Republic of the Congo in 1960 and the coup that deposed him – is fragmented, with almost too much going on. But it is held together by a charismatic central performance from Chiwetel Ejiofor. LK

Fourth Plinth Trafalgar Square, WC1N 5DS Charing Cross london.gov.uk/fourthplinth

Young Vic The Cut, SE1 8LZ. Until Aug 24. £10+ Southwark youngvic.org

andrew watts What’s the show about this week? Me! I used to be a one-liner guy, until I did a gig the day I split up with my girlfriend. I just talked about being dumped – and got the best laughs of my entire career. I’ve been plagiarising my life ever since. Who is your comedy hero? Scott Capurro! He’s incredibly fearless – he’s banned from a whole bunch of clubs, and you’re never more than 20 seconds from a cracking punchline.

Photos: Joe Gascoigne; Nobby Clark

What’s the funniest thing you have ever seen? I once saw a man slip on a banana skin. In real life.

the lone ranger

the colour purple: the musical

FILM

THEATRE

Johnny Depp continues to confound conventions by showing that being in a Jerry Bruckheimer mega-blockbuster can still be cool. This new adaptation of the Lone Ranger tale (with Armie Hammer) is Depp strictly in Pirates Disney family mode, with his masked law enforcer’s trusty crime-fighting sidekick Tonto. The setpieces will be huge, the subtlety absent.

Of necessity, this musical version of Alice Walker’s Pulitzer Prize winning novel, set in rural Thirties Georgia, strips out several characters and crucial events are dealt with perfunctorily. But its heart is in the right place and it has a feel-good atmosphere from the start without ignoring the book’s distressing aspects. Recommended. LK

On general release from Aug 9

Menier Chocolate Factory SE1 1RU. Until Sep 14. £27.50+ London Bridge menierchocolatefactory.com

What’s your favourite joke? “It’s incredible to think, but every single Scotsman started off as a Scotch egg. Small and gingery.” I think of that Milton Jones line every time I have a picnic. What’s the biggest myth about being a stand-up? That we’re brave. I’ve had soldiers just back from Afghanistan telling me that, and it’s nonsense. Foundry Tickler Free Comedy Night. Aug 8. FREE 3-7 Delancey, NW1 7NL Camden Town comedyknights.co.uk

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Suburban absurd: following ABC TV sketch comedy Problems, Simmons brings new show Shitty Trivia to town 26

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Trivial pursuits Former Triple J DJ turned surrealist comic Sam Simmons tells us about his new oddball comedy show, Shitty Trivia Words alasdair morton

“A broken pub quiz host comes unstuck via tormenting from a haunted meat tray and one golden shoe.” This is Sam Simmons’ predictably off-kilter summation of his latest show, Shitty Trivia, which comes to Soho this week, and it is absolutely nothing less than we would expect from this Aussie king of the absurd. Former Triple J DJ turned comedian Simmons has made a name for himself by revelling in the surreal and the preposterous, from making bread shoes on stage and snogging audience members’ knees to throwing out sporadic silly dances, pie charts and non-sequiturs that make your brain fizz as it struggles to keep up. But this new show brings something a little different to the full-on sensory assault that would be expected of Simmons. “There’s not as much interaction at all,” he says of Trivia’s structure, shaped as it is around a procession of baffling trivia questions akin to his regular slot on Triple J. Ask a straightforward question, get an obscure and extremely obtuse answer leading to all manner of hilarity, basically. “It’s just me with a fistful of jokes trying to interact with a live animated talking meat tray. It’s really difficult. Just when I think I’ve delivered a relatable mainstream show, I’m talking to a meat tray. “He was originally going to be a puppet meat tray, but puppets are like one up from jugglers on the entertainment scale, and that’s still two above comedians.” For followers of Simmons, it should come as no surprise that a meat tray takes centre stage in Trivia, continuing a recurring body-food interest that has seen the comic take that which most others would generally eat and apply it in some way or another to himself (in this show, it’s slices of ham to the face). But mainstream or not, Simmons has garnered accolades and critical plaudits aplenty since he stepped on to the stage 10 years ago, nabbing the Adelaide Fringe Festival Best Emerging Comedy Award for his 2006 show Tales From The Erotic Cat, and nominated for the Best Comedy award at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe two years ago for Meanwhile, which involved shopping trolleys, pine cones and all manner of unexpected happenings. “What I do is different and not really comparable to other stuff going on,” he told us in 2011 of his Fringe-nommed show and of his take on comedy in general. “I have worked hard to do that, I don’t want to be straight stand-up. I want to do something innovative,” he said.

Simmons came to the stage, he says, after “years of fucking around on Triple J where I realised I had written hours’ worth of jokes that were instantly disposed of on radio – I thought they deserved to live within a live show.” Where other comedians will take on audiences armed with just a mic and their brand of observational humour,

“

This show is like a retarded murder mystery in a wheelie bin

”

Simmons’ shows are riotous full-throttle prop-laden chaos. Written from the finale backwards, Meanwhile had Sam smashing tacos into his torso, and About The Weather’s conclusion featured the show’s signature ‘waving hello’ cats and Simmons attempting to put together an IKEA flatpack live on the stage … obviously.

Dapper: Simmons and fancy hat tntMagazine.com

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On the up: Simmons’ surrealism has toured all over the world “The finale [of Trivia] is ridiculous,” Simmons says of the initial idea that sparked the creation of this year’s show. “It’s like a retarded murder mystery in a wheelie bin.” All we can say is, well of course it is. Ahead of his forthcoming London residency Simmons embarked on a tour of the US and Canada, where he smashed it out of the park as the closing act at Sarah Silverman’s Comedy Gala in Montreal alongside Canadian Graham Clark, San Franciscan Emily Heller and Philadelphian Todd Glass. The gigs in the land of the free, though, have proved particularly revelatory for Simmons. “It’s kind of incredible,” he says of his recent shows in America. “I think the States is where I will most likely ‘break through’. They are so into it, it’s been mind blowing – I couldn’t be happier. “In Australia, I’m a weirdo,” he adds. “In the UK, I’m a colonist ‘trying’ to be absurd and emulate the Brits, but in the States I am just me. I know that sounds

kinda negative, but they don’t have a cultural cringe or a sporting rivalry – they just enjoy who you are.” Trivia, which Simmons took to the Adelaide Fringe this year, follows Simmons’ first TV show, Problems, which aired on the ABC in November. The mash-up of sketch comedy and sitcom was shot through with Simmons’ frenetic take on the world – he plays Sam alongside his pet cat Mr Meowgi, which is in fact Ronny Chieng in a cat suit – as they try to solve a suburban problem in each of the four episodes. “ABC wanted to commission a sketch show,” he says. But, as you can imagine, in Simmons’ hands, Problems is far from your average sketch comedy.

“

In the States, I’m just me. But in Australia, I am a weirdo

”

Nu-romantic? Simmons has snogged audience members’ knees in the past

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Sam Simmons: Shitty Trivia. Soho Theatre. Aug 12-24. £10 21 Dean Street, W1D 3NE Tottenham Court Road sohotheatre.com

Photos: Vincent Taylor; Shotgun Pictures

“I think sketch kinda sucks,” he says, “but we pitched it anyway, and won. Then Declan Faye (head writer) and I wrote like maniacs during Edinburgh 2012 in a shared house with a faux goth, a Nineties shock ‘I’m gay! Can you deal with it?!’ guy and a chiselled Aussie with a six-pack so hard you could scrub virgin sheets on it. “We fought each other and survived extreme jet lag to make something that ‘resembled’ a sketch show yet remained true to our comedy morals, and what we came up with was one of the weirdest, most unique things to screen on Oz telly in years. “I’m incredibly proud of it and my punk cast of soon-tobe-superstars [which includes Claudia O’Doherty, Chieng and David Quirk]. I reckon one day people will look back on Problems and go, ‘Oh shit, that was really amazing.’” In our humble opinion, it is, and so is Simmons. If you’ve not caught him yet then don’t miss out this time as his mission to bring a little – or rather, a whole heap – of silliness to our lives continues. ❚

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FLASHPACKING People don’t traditionally associate luxury with travelling on a budget, but with the recession people are being more creative planning their budget and finding new ideas for cheap yet quality travel accommodation. Through the Luxury Hostels project I’ve been able to show travellers that it is possible to travel in style without breaking the bank. Each of the hostels I’ve featured in the guidebook offer guests an amazing experience. These experiences vary from hostel to hostel: there’s a private cinema in U Hostels Madrid; at Plus Hostel Berlin there’s an indoor swimming pool and spa; the Gallery Hostel offers guests a three-course dinner consisting of local dishes with a bottle of port wine for just €10 (£8.70). People are ‘travelling younger’ since the recession. Hostels are no longer the preserve of backpackers. Women are a key demographic of this new segment of backpackers/ flashpackers, with many hostels having female only dormitories. Being the BudgetTraveller, my mission has always been to show people that you can travel in style on a budget. I just felt doing my research that it was the right time to launch a guidebook which would give people a fresh perspective of how hostelling has evolved. There were 40 hostels reviewed for the first edition of the guidebook. Barring five, I managed to travel to 35 of them personally over a year ... Read more at: my.tntmagazine.com/blogs

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speedflex Speedflex is the perfect combo of a weights workout and a cardio session. Using new state-of-the-art machines, they are far less scary than the clunky monsters you encounter at the gym. Instead, the machines use a smooth hydraulic system to create a resistance which works as hard as you do – i.e, if you push hard, it will resist more. Rocking up to my first session I was worried to see some seriously beefy blokes. However, trainer Stuart assured me that, due to the nature of the machines, I will not pump up my muscles but will instead tighten them. This also means you don’t ache nearly as much the next day – a serious bonus in my books. With the same format as a circuittraining session, it’s hard work as you push yourself each time you go around, but motivation comes in the form of camaraderie from your fellow ‘flexers, plus you find out how many calories you burnt (550 in 40 mins for me) and how intensely you worked at the end of each session. I felt great afterwards and am excited to see what a difference six weeks makes... Speedflex six-week experience (sessions held hourly, 7.30am7.30pm, on weekdays), £450; monthly membership thereafter £250. Induction free of charge. CG 33-36 Lombard Street, EC3V Bank speedflex.com 9BQ

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Whip yourself into shape Dominatrix skills aren’t just for the bedroom. Here’s how to become mistress of your life Words caroline garnar

Look around you. Chances are at least one person you can see spends their lunch breaks getting whipped, tied up, trodden on and humiliated by a dominatrix. “Female dominance has always been prevalent, it was simply behind closed doors,“ says fetish model, edgeplay sadist, lifestyle mistress and dominatrix of 10 years, Rebekka Raynor. “Of course, now that it is so much more out in the open, people who would not normally have thought about such things begin to experiment and, if they like it, they keep doing it.” If so many people like a dose of sadism with their sandwiches, it makes sense that we can use dominatrix principles in our everyday lives. Raynor tells us how...

Get housework done If you are ready to unleash your inner dominatrix, this is a good opportunity to do so – as long as your partner is up for it. “Strip the slave, collar him and order each room to be cleaned with precise instructions on how you would like it to be done, then put your feet up,” Raynor says. If that’s a step too

Slave for you: Raynor leads her disciples

far for now, simply try flashing a bit of flesh when you ask to imply that if they do what they are told, they will be rewarded.

Get what you want Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want – or, even better, demand it. “There is an obvious difference between asking and demanding, but you can make that difference more subtle,” Raynor explains. “Stance is an extremely important factor, so make sure you stand tall. It will also help if you dress in a way that makes you feel confident and powerful. Also, maintain a steady gaze. On the phone make sure that your voice is calm and assertive but without aggression.”

Get a foot massage Make sure your legs and feet look their best, then wear a short skirt, maybe stockings, and high-heels or long boots. Men, show off your pins with a tight pair of shorts that leave little to the imagination. “Sit next to your partner on the sofa so that your legs are lightly draped across their lap. Now lure them with a treat, such as chocolate, or their

Big business: S&M is going mainstream

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Step on it: high heels + stockings = power favourite video game, by tracing it gently up your leg, indicating that to gain access to the chocolate or game they need to massage your legs and feet. Be sure to reward them, but only when you’re completely satisfied with your massage.”

Get a better sex life Sensory deprivation is a great way of taking control in the bedroom. A quick and easy way of doing this is to blindfold your partner – but for a more intense experience, and one that confirms that you really are the one in control, you need patience and discipline. “In week one, avoid sexy clothing or touch. Then at the start of the second week begin dressing provocatively, but don’t make it obvious. Just expose a little flesh by undoing

an extra button on your shirt, or wearing your clothing a little tighter than usual. Slowly but surely lure them in so they are begging you for attention. Whatever you do, remember that you’re in charge and only you can determine when the famine will end and the feast begin.” Inside the World of the Dominatrix with Rebekka Raynor, August 7, 7.30pm, The Coterie Social Salon (coteriesocialsalon.com), NEXT WEEK £20 online, £25 on the Notting Hill: Live door. Quote ‘TNT’ to on the cheap in receive an exclusive carnival territory 20 per cent off.

Barry M blusher Stay rosy-cheeked all year £4.59 barrym.com

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top treatment: pom-power facial

Rad: let Murad work its magic

Rarely do you get value for money in this day and age, but luxury skincare brand, Murad, has bucked the trend with its pom-power facial. The session includes a skin scan and expert consultation, while the thorough and relaxing 30-minute treatment itself uses such fantastic products that I don’t think my skin has ever looked so good. Perhaps they only charge £25 because they know you’ll become a loyal Murad customer from that day on. CG House of Fraser, Oxford Street, W1C 1HF

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Bright lights, big city: China’s capital is a fascinating mix of the old and new

Kerching in Beijing While the rest of the world is taking an economic hammering, Asia is booming – and China is at the heart of it Words caroline garnar From rags to riches, The People’s Republic of China has rocketed its way to becoming the second-largest world economy, with many experts saying it is set to overtake the US by 2020. If you fancy a slice of this juicy dumpling, try living in its cultural and political heart, Beijing.

Why Beijing? ”Beijing is probably the most fascinating place to be in China at the minute,” says James Wilkinson, editor of an English-language entertainment magazine. “It has an incomparable blend of city and countryside, old and new, Western and Chinese culture. And it’s growing and developing all the time. Its hutongs – the tiny, labyrinthine alleys that once made 34

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up the entirety of the common people’s city – are full of independent boutiques, bars and restaurants.” It also makes a great base for travel – and the weather and muggy pollution can give you the real need to get away. “As a Saffa, I find winter a little tough to handle,” admits Gina Mitchelmore, a Montessori kindergarten teacher at an international school. “But thankfully sunny places like Thailand and the Philippines are easily accessible for a vitamin D boost.”

Where to work? Rather than attempt to break into a ready-made role, budding entrepreneurs could find Beijing a good place to start up their own business. “Foreigners are allowed to open

their own businesses in China and many do,” says Expat Arrivals’ Beijing expert, Brian Salter. “Most choose to take on a Chinese partner to deal with much of the paperwork, though agencies for setting up businesses are easy to find.” Wilkinson agrees, adding: “A couple of years ago one guy opened up a small microbrewery and bar in an obscure hutong. Now, there are almost a dozen such venues in the city and more opening up all the time.” If you fancy yourself as a bit of a laugh machine, Wilkinson adds the stand-up comedy scene has exploded recently. Who knows, if the Brits aren’t finding you funny, the Chinese might ... Another booming industry is the media. “Certainly most of the major Western papers and channels have

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Suits you: working lunch

On the job ed terry

Career Marketing executive for Alibi Age 23 Lives Streatham Hill From Bognor Regis

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How did you get into your job? I studied advertising with marketing communications at Bournemouth University and moved brand side after a few stints in different advertising agencies around London and Cape Town.

over £1000 per month correspondents out beijing means business here, and there If you’re interested in setting up – although it can are any number of your own business in Beijing, take increase to around freelancers floating note of these tips: £3000, depending on around, making • It’s wise to set up a business your experience. money off the West’s that deals with importing Western Unfortunately, insatiable appetite for goods or offers a Western service. these low wages do stories about China,” • Partner up with someone you not easily correspond Wilkinson explains. trust who has lived in Beijing for with the cost of living, Teaching English, some time, knows the language, which is rising all the as in most countries in and the ins and outs of business. time. “House prices Asia, is also a popular • To get an idea of set-up costs are constantly on the option. However, up,” Wilkinson warns. and timing see doingbusiness. Mitchelmore advises: “Though if you’re org/data/exploreeconomies/china/ “There are employment starting-a-business. sensible about where fares for prospective you live and don’t • Develop a detailed and realistic teachers to attend and mind flatsharing, it’s five-year plan for government learn a bit more about possible to survive on approval and cross your fingers! the schools, so you a low salary. Being should investigate the willing to travel on the school thoroughly before moving.” underground helps too, although it’s Both expats advise that knowing not up to the standards of London or some basic Mandarin is helpful, but New York.” isn’t essential for work. “We usually Mitchelmore points out that it’s all have Mandarin-speaking interns to help about the way you spend: “You can live out those members of the editorial as economically as staff whose grasp of the language is a gap-year student shaky,” Wilkinson says. backpacker or as NEXT WEEK extravagantly as What’s the pay? Live-in offices: a champagne and How to be a carer, caviar rock star, Obviously if you start your own nanny and more it’s your choice!” business, the money depends on your success. Expat journalists can expect to BEST OF TRAVEL IN CHINA earn around £1400 per month, while tntmagazine.com/china-travel teachers are at the lower end of just

What do you do day-to-day? I develop the brand strategy for Alibi (a ‘pretox’ drink). I also organise event partnerships, manage the marketing budget, help with samplings and generally muck in as part of a small, but very busy team. What’s the most rewarding part? From adapting can design to creating a brand new website and brand film, I get excited about seeing the final result and looking back at the journey we took to get there. What’s the most challenging? Balancing so many tasks can be tricky and often means long hours, but it’s worth it. alibidrink.com

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tntjobs.co.uk Community Case Management Services T: 0160 868 2522

www.ccmservices.co.uk We are a Case Management Company providing case management for our brain and spinally injured clients.

ministry of paintball T: 020 7415 7003 www.ministryofpaintball.com/jobs Ministry of Paintball, regarded as the world’s largest paintball company and renowned as the

Job of the WeeK: Care Team Location: Putney, London SW16 Salary: £13.00 per hour weekdays, £15.00 per hour weekends POSITION: Recruiting carers for a 4yr old with cerebral palsy in Putney. You will deliver his therapy supervised by therapists. You will need experience. Driver required. Shift pattern covering seven days a week. Ref: SOM/LOD. liz@ccmservices.co.uk

Job of the WeeK: 30 positions available for Trainee Managers Location: London Salary: £30,000+ POSITION: We want you! Ministry of Paintball is recruiting for our summer/spring promotions team. If you love travel, flexibility, sunshine and earning loads of money, give us a call now!

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T: 0152 538 2858 facebook.com/shiplinslade We are a pub, carvery and restaurant with high levels of service and home cooked food.

Berners Tavern Restaurant & Bar www.EDITIONhotels.com This gastronomic gem under the direction of Executive Chef Jason Atherton boasts 140 covers, serving guests for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

monocle T:0207 725 4343 www.monocle.com Monocle is a premium media brand and global magazine.

the diner T: 07557 124 922 www.goodlifediner.com A fun expanding group of American diners serving all aspects of American food from burgers and pancakes to some new southern classics.

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Position: You must be friendly and willing to work hard. Experience not necessary but preferred. High tip opportunities for front of house. Live in available. 30 minutes from London by train. Please email CV. LOUISE CAREY | 01525 382858 | lcarey@live.co.uk

Job of the WeeK: Waiter/ess / Bar Tenders Location: Berners Tavern Restaurant & Bar, London Salary: Competitive hourly rates, plus service charge. Position: Berners Tavern are currently looking for Waiters / Waitresses. LondonJobs@EDITIONhotels.com

Job of the WeeK: Monocle Café Manager Location: Monocle Café, Marylebone LONDON W1U 7QA Salary: Based on experience, £25,000 Position: We are seeking someone extraordinary to manage the Monocle Café’s slick & speedy operation with confidence & ambition. Working with an excellent team, the energetic candidate will have extensive experience in operating an independent cafe. Jessica Harris | 0207 725 4351 | jh@monocle.com

Job of the WeeK: chefs of all levels Location: Central London Salary: Depends on experience Position: We are looking for chefs of all levels to join this fun dynamic group. You must be able to work under pressure and deliver food to the highest quality. lizzy@goodlifediner.com | 07557124922

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Apples: not iPhones

woman buys iphones, gets apples australia

A Brisbane woman bought what she thought were two Apple iPhones online, only to get delivered a box of actual apples instead. The 21-year-old met with another woman after placing an ad on Gumtree for two phones. After paying £900, she was handed two iPhone boxes that looked new. Her error though was not looking inside. When she returned home and opened the boxes she discovered they did contain apples, but the fruit rather than the mobile. “If something seems too good to be true, it probably is,” Senior Constable Jess Hopkin said wisely. tweets of the week @DHughesy I haven’t seen the incident but I agree with @KRuddMP’s decision to declare war on the umpire’s country of origin and England #ashes @mcilveen Flying Kanga-spew... Qantas passengers quarantined after being hit with vomiting bug aboard QF-28

man jailed for shitting in court united states

A man who accidentally soiled himself inside a courthouse has been jailed for a week. Ronald Strong, 50, was making his way through security in the US Circuit Court of Appeals when poo began to apparently leak out of the bottom of his trousers. Strong, who takes medicine for a heart condition that could have triggered his sudden bowel movement, was transported to the restrooms. 38

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Tough mudders: festivalgoers bathe in mud on day three of the 2013 Splendour In The Grass Festival in Byron Bay

However, he made such a mess – the cleaner said “75 per cent of the floor was covered in faeces” which was “smeared more than two feet up on the walls” – that he was subsequently jailed for a week. By the time the poor woman came across the atrocity, Strong had left the building. He was hauled back in front of a judge and charged with wilfully damaging and creating a hazard and nuisance in the federal courthouse.

The airline pointed out the group were crook before they boarded and made the most of the plane’s eight toilets from Santiago, Chile, to Sydney, Australia. A NSW Ministry of Health spokesperson confirmed the group suffered “vomiting and diarrhoea on the plane”. Spare a thought for the passengers who weren’t sick.

VOMITING PASSENGERS ON 14-HOUR FLIGHT australia

There can’t be many worse places than a 14-hour flight to suffer a gastro and vomiting bug – but that’s what happened to 26 Qantas passengers.

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THIS WEEK

IN NUMBERS 19

Age, in years, of Aussie Ryan Campbell, who’s aiming to set a new record as the youngest person to fly solo around the world

Number, in per cent, of Brits using their pet’s name as an online password, making accounts easy to hack

Wax off: car washers told to keep tops on

300

WAR OF THE HOSES BREAKS OUT IN NT

Fine, in pounds, given to Gemma Walker, 31, from Middlesborough after neighbours complained about loud sex noises

AUSTRALIA

Backpackers in the Northern Territory have been cautioned by police after going topless at a bikini car wash. Rivalry was sparked when a bunch of women set up a new service to compete against the “wettest car wash bikini girls”, which have been operating for about five years in Darwin. In what’s being called the ‘war of the hoses’, the newbies were telling punters they’d remove their bikini tops “for a bit more [money]”. Susy Griffiths, a manager at the original Exclusive All Girl Car Wash Team, said: “Perhaps they thought raising their tops would raise the ante in this bikini car wash battle, or maybe it was the only way they could profit from such a high rental cost.”

AUSSIE IS CROWNED RUBIK’S CHAMPION

Photos: Getty; AAP; Facebook; Gumtree; Thinkstock

UNITED STATES

It’s comforting that while Australia’s cricket, rugby and swimming is struggling there are still some out there flying the flag for the country. Feliks Zemdegs, from Melbourne, has been crowned 2013’s Rubik’s Cube World Champion during an event in Las Vegas. The 17-year-old wunderkind beat 574 competitors from over the world for the top slot. He scored a fastest average solving time of 8.8 seconds with the ‘classic’ 3x3 cube. He also recorded a 7.36

Height, in metres, of new 2400-metre suspended cliff footpath in China which opened to the public last week

Champ: Feliks Zemdegs personal best for a single solve. As if this wasn’t enough, Zemdegs also won gold in the 4x4 and one-handed categories. There is no word yet from PM KRudd if Zemdeg’s heroics will be rewarded.

STREET LAMP IS BILLED FOR LECCY NEW ZEALAND

A New Zealand electricity company has sent a letter to a lamppost threatening to cut its power off. Meridian Energy seems to have been under the impression someone was living in the pole in Oakura. The letter was addressed: To the occupier, 771800 Streetlights, NPDC Control Point 394, 9 Shearer Drive. The resident of 9 Shearer Drive, Clive Saleman, said: “Now I’m thinking, is there somebody living there in that street light?” A Meridian spokesman said they were sure no one lived there. “Well, we sincerely hope not as it could be quite drafty.”

8000

QUOTE OF THE WEEK I’m grieving a little for my career. I never thought the time would come when I hang up my glad rags Barry Humphries, aka Dame Edna, announces his final tour Eat, Pray, Laugh, which will hit London in November

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HOW TO BLOG Sign up to our social network at my.tntmagazine.com. You’ll meet fellow travellers living in London, share tips and photos and get access to awesome competitions. There are also easy instructions on how to start your own blog – about travel, London, you name it. Start blogging on my.tntmagazine.com and you could attract hundreds of thousands of readers!

BLOGGING FOR BEER The more you blog, the more chance you have of bagging that beer. We’ll be giving away a case of 24 x 500ml Bondi Beer cans to the 10 most active bloggers on myTNT every month for the next eight months! Remember: more blogs = more chance of free beer!

ABOUT BONDI BEER Bondi Beer is named after Sydney’s world famous beach and was first brewed in a microbrewery in the heart of Sydney in August 2009. There’s a brilliant Saaz hop character and a perfect balance of flavour, with proper body and a good buzzy finish, giving the crisp refreshment of a premium lager. Bondi Beer is already available in the UK at some pubs and bars such as The Porterhouse in Covent Garden.

MORE BONDI! Follow us at the usual places: facebook.com/bondibeerco & @Bondibeer and of course bondibeer.com – more importantly send us your thoughts on the beer, upload pictures of you and your mates having a Bondi and keep watching for launch events, competitions and where we are being served.

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TNT puts the world to rights

OURVIEW

COMMENT: CAROL DRIVER carol.driver@tntmagazine.com

What’s in a name? A nod of respect to indigenous

Photos: Getty

Maori titles for NZ islands, Oz ﬁrm destroys Aboriginal sacred site It’s taken 200 years, but New Zealand is finally planning to officially name its main islands. Despite the North and South appearing on maps since European settlement began in the early 1800s, the monikers had never been formally recognised. So the New Zealand Geographic Board is looking to put that right, holding consultations to find out public response. Overwhelmingly, the people wanted to have the choice to use English and Maori names. So, significantly, the South will also be known as Te Wai Pounamu (rivers of green stone) and the North as Te Ika-a-Maui (the fish of Maori god Maui). It’s better late than never. But, compare this to the news last week that an Australian mining company had desecrated an Aboriginal sacred site in the Northern Territory, and it’s a stark reminder of how differently two countries regard their indigenous communities. OM Holdings was found guilty and fined for damage to Two Women Sitting Down at Bootu Creek, about 170km north of Tennant Creek. The rock, which had been there for thousands of years, split in half after the firm blasted and mined 40 metres away in 2011. Magistrate Sue Oliver summed it up in calling it a genuine loss of heritage for the country, blaming the company’s shameful decisions that favoured “business and profit” over its obligations to protect the area. The firm had consulted with traditional owners, but abused their trust, not revealing the true extent of the potential impacts of the operation. For the community, the effect has been huge – locals getting sick and dying. “It’s like losing your mother,” representative Gina Smith said. As the first conviction of its kind in Oz, it’s a landmark case with huge significance. But as OM deals with hundreds of millions of dollars, the AU$150k fine ($400k was the max) is an insult to Aboriginals. And it shows that despite being just thousands of miles from each other, when it comes to relationships with their indigenous populations, Australia and New Zealand are worlds apart. » Agree or disagree? Tell us what you think: letters@tntmagazine.com

CYCLISTS A DANGER TO PEDESTRIANS London’s biggest cycling event was expected to take place last weekend, with roads closing to accommodate 70,000 amateur and professional riders. In anticipation of what I’m sure will be a nightmare, I’ll be avoiding venturing out on the capital’s roads. I appreciate cyclists dice with death on a regular basis, but there are some who put others’ safety at risk by being a law unto themselves. Crossing a road near work last week, a group of us were nearly taken out by

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A cyclist bizarrely carrying a suitcase

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a biker who’d run a red light, and was screaming at us to get out of the way – as though we were in the wrong. And it’s not the first time something like that has happened. The other morning I saw a cyclist bizarrely carrying a suitcase – he could just about see over the top. Those on two wheels need to remember they’re not the only at-risk road users. Yes, let’s give cyclists their own lanes – not least because it’ll hopefully make life safer for those of us using our feet as well. TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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‘My life is on hold’ Kiwi dad-of-two told he faces deportation after working in the UK for nine years WORDS CAROL DRIVER When Brendon Watkins decided to apply to permanently reside in London in November 2011, he thought it would be a straight-forward process. He’d been living and working in the capital since coming over from New Zealand in 2004, paying taxes and setting up home with his now wife Michaela. He thought that with his history, a decent job and two young kids – it was in the bag. Watkins first got in touch with TNT in February, when we launched our UK Border Agency Balls-Up campaign, calling on the Home Office to implement changes to its shambolic in-country visa services (see box on the right). Six months later, his case has still not been resolved – and he’s now being told to leave the country, meaning leaving behind his wife, kids and the life he’s spent nine years building. Watkins’ nightmare first started when his application for naturalisation for indefinite leave to remain was refused in November 2012 – just as his current visa expired. He’d been advised to apply for that particular visa by the Home Office, and sought guidance from the UKBA website, which backed up what Watkins, 36, had been told. One month later, UKBA said he’d applied for the wrong one – costing him £991. Despite appealing, the government department said it was sticking by its decision. “I felt like I was being held to ransom,” Watkins says. “Like I’m just a box the UKBA has to tick to reduce immigration and that they’re not giving me a fair hearing.” Determined to stay in South Ealing, where he’s “absorbed in our community; we pick up shopping for elderly neighbours and help out with gardening”, Watkins enlisted the help of Kings Court Chambers. In February, he instructed them to act on his behalf, applying for indefinite leave to remain. The firm didn’t submit the application until April. “KCC took £1800 for their fee upfront in February, and requested the UKBA fee of £991 which we paid them in March – along with another £60 as the fees had increased. 42

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It’s a lot of money for a working family with two young children, but we were confident the visa would be issued,” says Watkins, who worked as a contracts manager for an environmental company. However, five weeks later, he received a letter from KCC. His visa application had been rejected due to an issue with payment from KCC. “I couldn’t believe it. All the time the clock is ticking, my application is getting weaker as my visa officially ran out in November, but there was nothing else I could do,” Watkins says. He then had to resubmit another application through KCC – and, shockingly, the same thing happened again. On

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I’m being treated like a criminal

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June 22, he was told the application was returned due to a payment issue with KCC. After applying again, last week Watkins was told his application had been refused – one of the points being that he had overstayed his visa. “My wife and I were reduced to tears. It’s taken KCC five months to get me to this stage. It’s unbelievable that twice my application was refused due to problems with payments from KCC. I’ve been living in the UK for nine years, and I feel as though I’m being treated like a criminal. “On top of all this, and the fact it’s cost us thousands, my father, who lives in NZ, has been diagnosed with prostate cancer. He underwent treatment to remove it, but after recovery, he was told it didn’t go as well as expected. I can’t even go over there to see him, as I don’t have a passport.” Monica Hamidi, case worker for Virendra Sharma, Watkins’ local Labour MP who has been supporting his case,

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In July, TNT received a response from the Home Office on questions we’d posed under the Freedom Of Information Act in April – the response came months later than the 20-day target deadline, and it refused to answer them, despite dragging its heels for weeks. And although it was disbanded in March, there has been no announcement on how UKBA will work moving forwards. Along with Migrants’ Rights Network campaign group, we’ve written to Home Secretary Theresa May, outlining our demands. And we’re urging readers who haven’t already to sign our petition (see box on right). We’ve so far got 1500 signatures along with backing from high-profile MPs. TNT’s campaign can influence decision-makers to make sure the new department doesn’t offer the same shoddy service to visa applicants.

TNT has been campaigning with your help against the UK Border Agency and the service it offers to visa applicants. We’ve revealed horror stories, gained press coverage in the UK, New Zealand and Australia, and attracted support from high-profile MPs. To read our coverage so far, visit tntmagazine. com/ukba. In March 2013, it was announced the UK Border Agency will be split into two organisations – one dealing with visas. In true shambolic style, a name for the office, and how it’s going to work, is yet to be decided. So far, all that’s clear is that it’s going to be the same staff, reporting to the same bosses, in the same building, operating within the same budgets. Therefore, our demands for this new entity remain the same. Add your voice to TNT Magazine’s UKBA Balls-Up campaign to demand the new office changes its policies so that:

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said: “UKBA advisers aren’t supposed to give out advice on application types. So the person who gave that advice is in the wrong. But the Home Office isn’t willing to accept that as there’s no proof of what was said [for the initial application]. “However, his application was twice refused by UKBA as there was no money from the solicitor [KCC]. They need to make sure money is available otherwise they’re just messing with people’s lives. Watkins’ best option is to appeal and go before a judge to explain his situation, and I’m sure they will understand. However, he’s not going to get the chance to see his dad, as the appeal process could take months.” Watkins added: “I feel as though my life is on hold. Things have to be put in place to prevent this from happening to anyone else.” A spokesman for KCC said the payment issue was an “isolated incident”, citing an “error with our bank” which is subject to an ongoing complaint. “This is not common practice at all for KCC. We are a large and successful chambers.” The spokesman added KCC is working with Watkins to resolve the matter and offer compensation.

sign our petition

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‘A nightmare’: Brendon with Michaela and their two children

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✔ Every applicant receives correspondence when an application has been received ✔ Advice is then sent to all applicants detailing the process system and what it means for those wanting to work or travel ✔ Every applicant gets access to an emergency helpline which they can call for updates at any time, not only after six months ✔ The target for processing visas for those based in the UK who are eligible to work is reduced to three months ✔ A full refund is offered to applicants if their application takes longer than the target time if it is due to UKBA incompetency ✔ The amount of premium service appointments is increased – and a full refund is offered to applicants if the UKBA doesn’t adhere to the allotted 24-hour timescale ✔ Applicants wishing to extend visas to stay in the UK can do so before the ‘28 days before expiry’ deadline Add your name to our government epetition. Follow the link from tntmagazine.com/ukba

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SPORTNEWS

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Worst umpiring decision ever?

Didn’t hit it

Given out

There have been some tight video umpire calls during the Ashes so far, in favour of both sides, but when Tony Hill gave Usman Khawaja out to Graeme Swann, and third official HDPK Dharmasena upheld it despite daylight being shown between bat and ball, it was the exact sort of howler the system was introduced to avoid.

virgin durham ground favours toss winner ashes cricket

Win the toss at the Riverside Ground in Chester-le-Street, Durham, and you’ll win. That’s the best stat the teams can take into the first ever Ashes Test to be played there, starting Friday. Officially the Emirates Durham International Cricket Ground, Riverside has hosted just four five-dayers since 2003, when it became the first new Test ground in England since 1902. In all four of those Tests, the team to win the toss has gone on to win. There 44

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Still didn’t hit it

Still given out is no advantage from the four Tests regarding whether the team decides to bat or bowl first, as the winner has come from each choice twice. All of this is rendered irrelevant when we see the victor in all cases has been England. They may have been against the West Indies and Bangladesh, but England is undefeated here. Far from the history of Lord’s, the Oval, Old Trafford and Trent Bridge, Riverside has its own history to make. The ground has no floodlights, so bad light can stop play, which is bad news for the Aussies if they managed a result over the weekend or today. The ground is also open to the elements, with low temporary seating and the beautiful Lumley Castle nearby the only breaker to the winds. The Aussies should feel right at home though, as local authorities have dumped six tonnes of sand and deckchairs to create a mini Oz in its main centre for a four-day carnival.

BIG WEEK FOR ... The Huddersfield Giants shocked plenty when they leap-frogged Wigan Warriors to go to the top of the Super League ladder, but they get the ultimate chance to cement their place there this week. David Faiumu’s (pictured) Huddersfield go to Pat Richards’ Wigan for a top of the table clash on Friday, live from 8pm on Sky Sports. The Giants’ run into the finals is a friendly one, with an away trip to London Broncos on August 17, hosting lower-table Wakefield and Bradford on Sep 1 and 7. Wigan’s journey home is trickier, with Catalan Dragons, their Challenge Cup final opponents Hull FC and Leeds.

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THE ASHES 2013

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TNT’s extensive Ashes coverage as the Aussies fight to return the urn Woo!: Sally Pearson’s winning celebrations are always infectious

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Full reports on every session

PREVIEW

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All the latest Ashes news

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Photo galleries

STRAP IN FOR SALLY’S SHOCK TREATMENT WORLD ATHLETICS CHAMPIONSHIPS

AUG 10-18, 11AM, BBC ONE Few sporting moments in the world feature a more contagious grin than a Sally Pearson victory – the Aussie hurdler has come a long way from “Did you see me?” but she still appears shocked every time she wins. After a sharp showing last week in London, her best performance since coming back from injury beating a class field, you’d have to back her when she defends her world title in Moscow. Gabby Logan and Jonathan Edwards will be hosting live, free-to-air coverage

of all nine days of the World Athletics Championships from Russia. New Zealand’s Valerie Adams really can’t fake surprise when she wins gold, having defended her world championship twice – that’s three wins in a row and she’s going for four in Moscow. Usain Bolt will be waiting until the gun echoes in his 100m race, after a false start saw him disqualified and his countrymate Yohan Blake take the title in Daegu 2011. Other stars to look out for include Grenada’s Kirani James in the 400m and Aussie Mitchell Watt flying for glory in the long-jump after silver in Daegu and London 2012. (See digital guide for varying times.)

Opinions & blogs Bluffer’s guides Greatest Ashes sledges

Photos: Getty

TV HIGHLIGHTS FOOTBALL

NRL

Manchester Utd v Wigan Athletic

Melbourne v South Sydney

Trophy winners in Community Shield Sun, 2pm, ITV

Top four rugby league giants clash Fri, 10.30am, Premier Sports

FOOTBALL

SUPER LEAGUE

Preston North End v Blackpool

Hull KR v Hull FC

Capital One Cup first round Mon, 7.45pm, Sky Sports 1

Local derby between mid-table rivals Sun, 2.15pm, Sky Sports 1

tntmagazine.com/ashes TNTMAGAZINE.COM

Girl on fire Aussie cricket and football rep Ellyse Perry is raring to retain the Women’s Ashes, starting this week WORDS MICHAEL GADD

When the ‘golden girl’ label was first bandied about it was for the likes of Shane Gould, Dawn Fraser and Cathy Freeman – legends, sure, but none of them have achieved the pinnacle in two sports. That term could have been reserved exclusively for Ellyse Perry, the first and only woman to have played in World Cups in two sports, cricket and football. The smiling speedster is a bona fide marketing machine, not that you want to put it to her that way. The closest to prickly the media-savvy fast bowler gets during TNT’s chat is when we broach the third aspect of her career – while passion for her two sports, playing for the Southern Stars in cricket and Sydney FC and the Matildas in football is clear, we dared wonder if she enjoyed or endured the trappings of being so ‘sellable’ an asset to her sports. A poor word choice for a hugely talented sportsperson who, well, is obviously attractive (not that you’re allowed to say it). “Probably not so much when you phrase it like that,” Perry says, with an awkward laugh. “For me I’m involved in two things I really enjoy. But the success I’ve had is only down to the team’s success. So from that point of view, I’m happy to enjoy playing, that’s first and foremost, and the other stuff is a nice offshoot.” The success Perry refers to over the past 12 months for the Southern Stars, featuring her among a host of shining lights, has been immense. They won the 50-over World Cup this year to add to the Twenty20 title they took in 2012. They arrived in the UK last week to defend the Women’s Ashes, a title Perry says matches the World titles. “I think it’s no different to the men, in terms of the significance of it,” Perry says. “It’s certainly alongside the World Cups, but there’s something special about a women’s Test match, because we don’t play them that often. “As someone who just loves cricket, a Test is the ultimate. So certainly to play one for your country is wonderful. The different challenges make it all the more special.” 46

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

While women’s cricket has never enjoyed the profile it does now, women’s Ashes have been played since 1934/35, with Australia winning seven series to England’s four – seven have been drawn. That’s 18 series. For the first time this year, starting Sunday with a Test over four days at scenic Wormsley in Buckinghamshire, the Ashes title will also incorporate three one-dayers and three T20s, with points allocated for each format (see right for more).

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An Ashes Test means the same for women

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Perry expects to be at her full 120kmph pace come day one in Wormsley, after soldiering on through a clearly painful ankle injury during the World Cup in India – it required surgery and then she suffered an infection, setting the recovery back further. “It’s been a fairly slow process since I got the injury to where I’ve come now but it’s been a nice few months now and I’m ready,” she says. Perhaps to show the boys a thing or two? This was asked the day before the third Test began at Old Trafford and Australia finally showed some fight to end the day 3-303 with a century to captain Michael Clarke. Being an international cricketer since she was 16, the same year she debuted for Oz in football, Perry clearly knows more than TNT. “They’re going through a difficult period. [South Stars] went throuh a similar thing four or five years ago in terms of a whole new squad coming together,” she says. “It was just about working hard and consistently and as a squad, and on the back of that we’ve had success. Most of us are used to the luxury of seeing the men doing well, but they’ll turn it around.”

The wicket taker

Trooper: Perry battled through ankle agony in the World Cup final

The speedy defender

Photos: Getty

Being around the national set-up for so long, Perry is also relishing her role as a leader of the side, captained by keeper Jodie Fields, especially when new quick bowlers join the attack. “Looking at the amount of games I’ve played and time in the team I’m one of the more senior players,” she says. “Being a fast bowler I try to help the new girls who come into that role and hopefully that makes some sort of difference, but we have great experience across the board and a lot of people capable of being leaders.” There’s no greater Perry protegé than Holly Ferling, 17, who idolised Perry as a teen in Kingaroy, Queensland, and from the boundary could be mistaken for her with flowing blonde hair, smooth bowling action and speed. Ferling famously replaced injured Perry and starred in Australia’s two-run win over England in the World Cup Super Sixes. It’s a bonus for the Aussie squad, as it’s not like the sport needs to find a replacement for Perry. Nor does Sydney FC need to find a speedy new defender. While the first stories about her two-year romance with a young star rugby player came out last week – both parties prefer their private lives to stay that way – Perry has no intention of giving herself exclusively to football or cricket. “I still play both sports,” she says defiantly. When asked about them clashing, such as when the Stars defend their T20 crown in Bangladesh in March and the Matildas take on Asia’s best in World Cup qualifiers in May, her resolve doesn’t quiver. “It’s the way I’ve always done it, in conjunction with both sports,” she says. “I have wonderful support from the Football Federation Australia and Cricket Australia, so whenever a clash arises I work it out with a lot of other people. I truly love playing both sports, as much as each other. I want to keep playing both sports as long as I can.” Women’s Ashes Test, Aug 11-14, £10 pre-sale. wormsleycricket.co.uk Ground, HP14 3YG

Wormsley Cricket High Wycombe

The red carpet star

Wormsley: scenic Test venue

women’s ashes series perry promises close one The Women’s Ashes will be played over a Test, two ODIs and three Twenty20s, starting on Sunday. Test victory earns six points while there are two points up for grabs in each of the limited overs games – most points wins the Ashes, simple. “It’s a great new concept,” Ellyse Perry tells TNT, and one that does justice to the always tight contests between Australia and England’s women’s teams. “In the last 12 months or so we’ve slightly had the upper hand because we’ve won the T20 and ODI World Cups, but in both of those tournaments the closeness of the matches with England show it could have gone either way. I’m confident that whatever way the result goes, it won’t be by much.” All games will be covered by BBC Radio 5 live Sports Extra (days clashing with the men on BBC Sport online). T20s will air on Sky Sports Ashes HD. ODIs (10.45am starts): Aug 20, Lord’s, London; Aug 23 and 25, Sussex County Ground. T20s: Aug 27, Chelmsford, 7pm; Aug 29, Ageas Bowl, Southampton, 2.15pm; Aug 31, Durham ICG, 10.15am. ecb.co.uk

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SPORTVIEW

TNT puts the world to rights

COMMENT: MICHAEL GADD michael.gadd@tntmagazine.com

Loyalty: if you won’t watch your team lose, you don’t deserve to see the wins

We can get crap at sport – being bad losers is not on Not using Ashes tickets ‘cos your team’s losing – seriously?!

» Agree or disagree? Are Aussies really bad losers? letters@tntmagazine.com 48

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

That James Magnussen won back-toback World Championship 100m titles last week is remarkable, but how he did it – with a massive dig for his last morsel of energy from fifth – makes it even sweeter. He’s the Missile again. The Aussie water rocket talked it up ahead of the London 2012 Olympics, and if you can fall on your face winning a silver medal at the Olympics, he did that. In the lead up to this tournament though the 22-year-old pulled his head in, ate some protein-rich humble pie – probably – and put his head down. The reward was gold, and one that I think most

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Magnussen put his head down, won gold

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sporting fans won’t begrudge him despite his Olympic village shenanigans. Clean-skin Christian Sprenger on the other hand has no apologies to make, just a 100m breaststroke title to celebrate. He also missed the 50m title by 0.01 of a second. Still, two golds beats London by two golds. Aussie sport’s not dying (see left) after all.

Photo: Getty

I was horrified by the BBC News last week – not all the death and destruction of the world, but a light-hearted report I played a very minor role in. No problem that the Beeb London’s angle was basically, “Why is Australian sport shitter now than it was a decade ago?” It was the revelation that there are some outrageous assholes out there that give us a bad name. As the reporter scoured London Aussies for reaction to this most pressing issue, he met the Aussie High Commissioner Mike Rann, who gave a ra-ra line about a few losses not hurting us. He came to TNT Towers to be met with poorly articulated sporting clichés along the lines of “swings and roundabouts” and “what goes around comes around”. The horrifying part came at a pub, an Aussie-themed one, where the female bartender told BBC viewers how much the current Ashes was hurting Aussies – here’s the worst bit – and that there were punters in her establishment with Ashes tickets who didn’t use them because of how the Australian team was going. This made my blood boil. For starters, this was a pub in London, which meant the tickets were for Lord’s, which means whoever wasn’t using their seat was pissing away cash and a ticket that most of us would lean suggestively on a wall to have. You ungrateful, pathetic excuses for sports fans. It’s no secret I’m a fan of the Barmy Army. I love the way they go about supporting their team and I’ll never forget being at the Sydney Test during a series the Aussies were set to win 5-0. I asked one of them, Becky Fairlie-Clarke, what she thought of such disregard for team support. Her answer is predictable for the sing-a-long lot: “Supporting the team no matter what is the ethos of the Barmy Army. Not going to the ground ‘cos England are likely to lose is something I would never dream of.” As I said to the reporter, maybe we Aussies need to learn to enjoy banter from the other side of the coin, and as Michael Clarke and crew showed at Old Trafford, what goes around does come around.

THE MISSILE AND SUPERB SPRENGER

Bowled Over The sun’s come out so it’s time, once again, for a barbie, some tunes and a roll on the lawn

lawn bowls tournament Grab a bunch of mates and head down for an afternoon of barefoot bowls – 11am start for the warm-up session, comp starts 1pm

bodean’s BBQ

For the rib-licious experience, we smoke it low, cook it slow: 2-4pm

dj live entertainment Live music and DJ entertainment ‘til late

‘Old timers’ fancy dress – come as your nana! Tickets

£5

Book N

ow!

tntmagazine.com/BowledOver

Sun August 11 - From 11am: Southwark Sports Bowls Club, SE21 7EU

Fantastic day trips and weekends breaks throughout the UK and Europe!!

DISCOUNT! Limited time only! Go to www.andersontours.co.uk and enter promo code TNT5 for £5 discount off day trips and TNT10 for £10 discount off weekend breaks!!! Edinburgh tattoo fEstival onlY £289 Departure dates - Friday 9th Aug & 16th

Windsor, stonEhEngE & salisburY onlY £65

Aug. Tour Includes:Tattoo ticket, Return

Operates Daily.Tour Includes:

train travel, Transfers, Guided sightseeing tour with a local Scottish guide, Plenty of Free time to explore the city & B&B hotel

Entrance into Windsor Castle, Stonehenge, &

accommodation for 2 nights paris bY Eurostar onlY £249 spEcial pricE Friday 9th August - Sun 11th August. Return Eurostar tickets, half day sightseeing tour upon arrival, 2 nights hotel accommodation with breakfast

Salisbury Cathedral, tour guide, return travel. oxford, stratford & thE cotsWolds onlY £55 Runs daily. Includes return travel, walking tour of Oxford, drive through The Cotswolds, Visit

included & services of tour manager.

to Stratford, Entrance into Ann Hathaway’s Cottage.

holland and bElgium onlY £189 Friday 9th Aug - Sunday 11th Aug. Return coach & ferry travel, sightseeing in Amsterdam & Brugge, 2 nights B&B hotel accommodation, free evening meals and FREE bar!! Visit to Cheese & Clog factory & Tour Manager.

York , onlY £49 Saturday 10th August. Tour Includes: Return train travel, Guided walking tour of York, plenty of free time for lunch and to explore & Services of an Anderson Tours Tour Manager

Stonehenge and Bath Tour operates daily from £48 - All Inclusive!!

Book now at www.andersontours.co.uk 0207 436 9304 info@andersontours.co.uk Follow us @andersontours

TOOT YOUR HORN A man waves the Swiss flag as alphorn players perform in Nendaz, Switzerland at the Alphorn Festival.

Photos: Michele Coral; Thinkstock

INSIDE

WAR OF THE WINES /54

MAD ABOUT MUNICH /62

REAL CARIBBEAN /68

Forget the Ashes – there’s a new and tasty battle brewing in the vineyards of England and Australia.

Germany’s most outdoorsy city doesn’t let the fact it isn’t on the ocean stop it from having a kicking surf scene and much more.

TNT heads off to Trinidad and Tobago to dive headfirst into the islands’ cool underwater world and the hot and heavy nightlife. TNTMAGAZINE.COM

TRAVELDIARY Helen Elfer

@tntmagazine

Party isle: Bestival does it the Wight way

TRAVEL EDITOR

TRAVEL STYLE Why is it that simply stepping on a plane triggers some travellers to make such bizarre sartorial choices? Fine, you’re on holiday. I can see it’s a little confusing: you’re doing things you don’t normally do, like relaxing. But good lord, that’s no reason to bust out the horrible wearables I’ve seen people sporting in airports lately.

Let me start with bum-bags. Most people cope on London’s mean streets without having to wear these paranoid canvas nasties. So why, when you’re off to peaceful French village, or a remote Swiss mountain trail, would you suddenly need to strap all your valuables to your middle? Unless you’re visiting Mogadishu or somewhere, it’s excessive, and then a naff money pouch isn’t going to cut it anyway. In other words, bar the Eighties, there’s no appropriate time to wear a bum bag. OK? Let’s move on then. Pretentious jewellery I can handle. We’ve all made the mistake of thinking ratty string bracelets or shark tooth necklaces are cool, before swiftly realising our mistake as soon as we get home. But I can’t forgive full football kits (WHY?) and the unspeakable crime of socks and sandals. As for people on short-haul flights wearing velour trackies, come on. You’re sitting still for a few hours, not checking into an asylum. There’s just no need to be that comfortable at the cost of everyone else’s mental wellbeing. This is my last week at TNT so thanks for reading and sending in all your funny responses. Hopefully I’ll bump into some of you at the airport this summer. I’ll be the girl in the badly-fitting fisherman’s pants, Hawaiian shirt and Birkenstocks. What of it? I’ll be on holiday!

tell us at helen.elfer@tntmagazine.com

If you’re terrified of the feeling that summer is drawing to a close, stretching out the good times at Bestival is the only way to console 5-8 yourself. There’s no doubt that this year, like every other, will be a riot of mud, face paint, daft hats and brilliant bands playing. And none other than Elton John and his band are going to be headlining. SEPT

WHY: Running since 2004 and organised by DJ and producer Rob da Bank, the festival has become one of the UK’s most popular, bringing more than 50,000 fans to the normally sleepy island of cockles and winkles. Snoop Dog, Fatboy Slim, The Flaming Lips and Franz Ferdinand also appear.

FOLK FESTIVAL US

The Bangor Waterfront in Maine is the epicentre of 23-25 American folk music as this three-day fest celebrates the best of New England’s cultural heritage. The festival includes performances by local bands, dance displays and plenty of regional grub to sample. AUGUST

americanfolkfestival.com

BERLIN FESTIVAL Germany

No one does dance quite like the Berliners, and this 6-7 no-holds-barred rave takes place at the disused Tempelhof airfields where hangars become clubs at midnight. Blur, the Pet Shop Boys, Röyksopp and more are playing. SEPT

berlinfestival.de

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DO IT BECAUSE: You’ll get to party inside Lionel Richie’s head! Thanks to a Kickstarter.com art project by Hungry Castle, the festival will feature a giant inflatable head of the soul singer, which you can climb inside and party in. Surreal fun. 2013.bestival.net

LA TOMATINA

Spain

You know about this one – the muckiest, stinkiest 28 food fight of the year, when the sleepy town of Buñol is transformed into a tomatoey battleground. It’s gross but you’ll love it anyway. Yes, it’s finally time for La Tomatina. AUGUST

latomatinatours.com

HELSINKI FESTIVAL

Finland

The annual Helsinki Festival is quite the highbrow arts 16-1 festival, with theatre, film, music, dance, circus performances and urban art all on the programme, plus this year an appearance from the one and only Yoko Ono. AUG-SEPT

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Photo: Getty

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Idyllic: Koh Samet before the oil spill

oil spill in thailand One of Thailand’s most popular backpacker islands has been ravaged by an oil spill from a leaking pipeline. According to local reports, tourists staying at Ao Phrao (Phrao Bay) on Koh Samet have been evacuated, after the spill stained the beaches and waters black. So far the damage seems to be limited to this one bay – although there are 14 beaches in total on the island. But travellers have been warned to avoid swimming in the water around the entirety of Koh Samet. The clean-up operation is expected to take up to 15 days, and hundreds of people, including local residents, navy personnel and volunteers are helping with the efforts.

Photos: Thinkstock

holiday in iraQ Despite having suffered, well, more than a little unrest, Iraq is looking to increase its tourism by 300 per cent. At present, the country welcomes in an average of two million tourists a year, but an official has said that with the right developments and improvements to the tourism infrastructure, that could rise to six million. Capital Baghdad already sees a regular flow of visitors to its shrines and mosques and many millions of Shiite Muslims make pilgrimages to Iraq’s holy sites, including Samarra and Basra, but the country hopes to begin attracting a broader range of tourists.

brit tourism boost Six historic sites across Britain have been awarded £47m by the Heritage Lottery Fund (HLF). Carole Souter, chief executive of the HLF, said: “More than a quarter of all UK holiday activities undertaken by UK residents now involve heritage. These projects all offer the public the chance to explore and enjoy our rich and complex history.” The sites with cash to splash include the former hunting lodge of Henry VIII, a 15th-century medieval palace in Knole, Kent and Hampshire’s Winchester Cathedral, which houses six mortuary chests containing the bones of Anglo Saxon kings.

tweet THE FCO The Foreign and Commonwealth Office has just launched a new service offering travel advice live on Twitter. If you tweet a question to its account – @FCOtravel – you’ll be answered within 30 minutes by dedicated travel consular teams. There will be people responding to Twitter inquiries between 9am and 6pm from Monday to Friday. Travellers will be able to obtain instant advice on passports, visas, travel safety or any other travel concerns or problems encountered abroad. Most inquiries will be answered on Twitter but those involving personal data will be addressed offline.

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[Caption]

Terroir-ist: the vineyards of England are now producing drops of world-class quality

Biddenden Vineyards

Kent LONDON Biddenden

GETTING THERE Catch the train from London Charing Cross to Headcorn from ÂŁ21 return with Southeastern. southeasternrailway.co.uk Then ride the number 12 bus towards Tenterden. arrivabus.co.uk

For sale: try Biddenden wines at the cellar door (left) or on the roadside

In the family: Tom Barnes 54

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Fresh and fruity: Biddendenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s top-selling Ortega

UKTRIP

War of the Wines Forget the Ashes – there’s a new battle brewing in the vineyards of England and Australia…

Photos: Susan Garnar, Biddenden Vineyards, facebook

WORDS CAROLINE GARNAR

Having wound my way out of London and through the garden of England that is Kent, I arrive at the impossibly picturesque Biddenden Vineyards, one of the country’s small but powerful military bases in the War of the Wines. Its castle, a quaint wood-panelled shop; its weaponry, bottles of red, white and rosé lined up along the shelves, ready to be offloaded onto the palettes of visitors from far and wide. Unlike in The Ashes, however, England are the underdogs in this battle. “Australian wines are thankfully a lot better and more successful on the world stage than our cricket team,” laughs Scott Burton of Australian Vintage Limited (australianvintage.com.au), which produces McGuigan wines among other brands. “Our wines are at the forefront of the global industry with a well-established track record of success, while English wines are only just starting to hit the radar,” he adds. But it seems England has a secret weapon in the form of bubbles, the Aussie tells us. “England is now producing sparkling wines of real quality and consistency that are rapidly gaining a reputation for excellence in this field of winemaking,” Burton concedes. “It’s certainly an area that could develop into a rivalry between England and Australia in the not-too-distant future.” As I weave my way through the rows of flowering vines on a guided tour at Biddenden Vineyards, I throw down this gauntlet to one of the soldiers on the frontline, manager and grandson to the founder, Tom Barnes. A classic English gent, however, he humbly tells me that England has the advantage when it comes to producing sparkling wines as they have the neighbouring experts in Champagne to learn from, and so know the best processes and techniques to use. However, he does admit that England has the disadvantage of a poorer climate. “We usually produce around 80,000 bottles each year, but last year we only produced 30,000 because of the bad weather,” he laments. English wines are certainly still on a much smaller stage than Australia’s, but with current trends favouring ‘local produce’, this is something that Tom insists the country’s winemakers are happy to embrace. “We like to support our loyal, local customers who, in return, support us,” he says. Although with demand already outstripping supply, it may not be this way for long. Biddenden’s bottles can be

found on London wine lists – at the Wine Pantry in Borough Market and St Pancras (winepantry.co.uk), The Dorchester Hotel (thedorchester.com) and Whitehall’s London Corinthia (corinthia.com) – and English wines in general are gaining momentum, particularly in Asia, reveals Tom. “It’ll be really interesting to see over my lifetime how it changes and how much bigger English wine gets,” he adds. For now, though, the sense of community is what shines at Biddenden. Family owned (Barnes’ savvy gran left the cotton mill to start up the vineyard in 1969 and it has stayed in the family ever since), and with locals paid to help them

“

A trip to Biddenden Vineyards is a trip to rural England at its best

”

harvest each year, a trip to their winery is a trip to rural England at its best, bottled and corked. With one last attempt to unleash some controversy, when Tom tells me that he believes English wines are about quality over quantity, I point out that this insinuates that Australian wines are about quantity over quality. Polite to the core, he laughs, “I’m not saying that. At the end of the day, we’re not rivals to anybody. We are unique and we are building up a product that is purely English.” I’m sold, and next time I fancy a glass of wine (which is always) I will head to Wine Pantry for a bottle of Biddenden’s flagship fresh and fruity Ortega. After all, it seems there are no sour grapes in this friendly rivalry.

NEXT WEEK

Free tours of Biddenden Vineyards are available on specified dates or private tours are available from £7.50 per person. biddendenvineyards.com

Gin time: TNT ‘takes one for the team’ in Plymouth WORLD’S TOP WINE TOURS tntmagazine.com/wine-tours

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Morocco An eight-day tour is now £279pp (save 30 per cent) with Travel Talk (0208 0999596; traveltalktours.com). Includes four-star hotel and Bedouin tent accommodation, some meals and visits to Marrakech and Essaouira. Excludes flights and local payment. Departs on August 17. Book by August 4. india An eight-day Golden Triangle tour costs £371pp with Intrepid Travel (0844 4998487; intrepidtravel.com). Includes accommodation, some meals, visits to Delhi, Taj Mahal and Jaipur. Book by August 11. Departs on August 26. Montenegro A seven-day stay costs £419pp with Explore Montenegro (0207 1181002; montenegroholidays.com). Deal includes return flights and two-bed accommodation in Apartment Blastion in Kotor. Departs from London Gatwick on August 28.

> £500 Turkey A nine-day tour is £639pp (buy one get one free) with Travel Talk (0208 0999596; traveltalktours.com). Includes fiveand four-star hotels, some meals and visits to Istanbul, Gallipoli and Troy. Book by August 4. Departs on August 10. Excludes flights and local payment. Africa A 35-day overland trip from Nairobi to Victoria Falls costs £665pp with Oasis Overland (0196 3363400; oasisoverland.co.uk). Includes camping accommodation, transport by expedition truck, some meals and some national parks. Excludes flights and local payment. Departs from Nairobi on August 24. Montenegro A seven-day trip is £630pp with Explore Montenegro (montenegroholidays.com; 0207 1181002). Includes flights, car hire and self-catering apartment in Kotor. Departs from London Gatwick on August 28.

DAILY TRAVEL DEALS Go to tntmagazine.com/travel/latedeals where new travel deals are updated daily. There are more than 30 deals live at any time. Also sign up for TNT’s weekly travel newsletter, which will be emailed to you every Wednesday with the most up-to-date deals and guides to over 170 destinations. Sign up at tntmagazine.com/travelemail.

Money transfers Need to send money between Australia, New Zealand and the UK? You don’t need a bank to do it. We also do money transfers to South Africa.

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Exchange rates* Australian dollar 1.68 New Zealand dollar 1.91 South African rand 14.9 Polish złoty 4.94 Euro 1.16 US dollar 1.52 Canadian dollar 1.58 Hong Kong dollar 11.9 Swedish krona 10.1 Swiss franc 1.44 Singapore dollar 1.93 Why use tntforex?

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KRAKOW A two-night trip is £99pp with easyJet Holidays (0843 1041000; holidays.easyjet.com). Includes direct return flights and threestar, B&B accommodation at Bluebells Apartments. Departs from London Southend on September 23. Milan A two-night stay is £198pp with lowcostholidays.com (0800 111 6271). Deal includes direct return flights and three-star, room-only accommodation at the Ibis Milano Centro. Departs from London Gatwick on September 10. MADRID A two-night trip is £98pp with easyJet Holidays (0843 104 1000; holidays.easyjet.com). Includes return flights and three-star, room-only accommodation at Togumar Hotel. Departs from London Gatwick on October 2. Algarve A four-night break costs £169pp with Qwerty Travel (0208 5889943; qwertytravel.com). Includes flights and four-star, allinclusive accommodation at the Clube Humbria Hotel. Price based on two people sharing. Departs London Gatwick (departures from November 25). Barcelona A two-night stay is £199pp with lowcostholidays.com (0800 1116271). Includes direct return flights and four-star, room-only accommodation at the Villa Olimpica Suites. Departs from London Gatwick on September 16.

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PATRICIA MONTENEGRO Talks travel photography

A THREE-DAY TOUR OF SCOTLAND AND A PHOTOGRAPHY COURSE

WINNER

Upload your images to tntmagazine.com/hotshots First prize is a three-day tour of Scotland for two worth £218 from Haggis Adventures (haggisadventures.com). Must be taken within three months of receiving prize letter. The runner-up wins a £60 photography course voucher from Nigel Wilson Photography (photographycourses.org.uk).

WIN

WINNER SANTORINI SUNSET Vicki Branigan, Gold Coast, Australia

WHY IT WORKS Vicki snapped this serene sunset during a two-week Greek island-hopping trip with seven mates. This sunset in Fira, Santorini, made her camera trigger-happy, she tells us. “We all climbed up to a point in Fira to view the sunset and I just couldn’t stop taking pictures of the gorgeous sunset.” No doubt there’s a significant contrast between the parties of the islands and this peaceful image. “I love how the boat is captured in the suns rays,” Vicky says.

RUNNER-UP

FOUR CROSSES Eleni Keogh, South Africa

WHY IT WORKS A beautifully composed, sombre image from Warsaw’s Three Crosses Square, capturing the three churches which give the area its name, with a modern cross in the foreground. “I shot in black in white because I felt it added to the sadness and emotion still felt in Poland today,” Eleni says.

WHERE IN THE WORLD?

AATRIP TRIPFOR FORTWO TWOTO TO BATH BATH&&STONEHENGE STONEHENGE

WIN

Going away somewhere soon? Send us a horizontal photo of yourself with a copy of TNT from anywhere around the world and, if we print it, you’ll win a trip for two to Bath and Stonehenge with Anderson Tours, valued at £104! » Email your pictures to ontheroad@ tntmagazine.com along with your name, where you’re from and where the photo was taken, or see tntmagazine.com/world. Files must be at least 500Kb.

TOMORROWLAND FEST, BOOM, BELGIUM

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*Terms and conditions apply. Prices quoted are for specific departures only. All trips subject to availability. Discounts are off the base trip price only, and do not apply to food funds and local payments. Flights not included. For full terms and conditions please visit www.topdeck.travel

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13:54

TOP FIVE

helicopter rides

@tntmagazine

Grand Canyon, US

Heading to one of the world’s most epic landscapes? Obviously the ideal way to do it is to take a couple of weeks off, pack your hiking boots/ waterproofs/ thermal undies/ tent/ kayak (depending on the location) and immerse yourself in the place. That’s the dream, anyway. But if you’ve only got a day or so to see somewhere, then there’s always the cheater’s option – the helicopter flight. No preparation, no effort, all you have to do is just sit back, strap in and enjoy the views. Of all the world’s greatest gaspworthy, press-your-nose-against-theglass kind of helicopter rides, one of the most sensational has to be a trip over the Grand Canyon. One of the Seven Natural Wonders of the World, a flight over the 277 miles by 18 miles of canyon scenery is really the only way to get a sense of the scale of the place. As you swoop over the canyon, you’ll be able to see almost two billion years of geological history, where the Colorado River has carved through deep layers of rock, which many 60 00

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geologists agree happened more than 17 million years ago. There are plenty of route options to choose between, some of which land for picnics or short hikes, others which are air-only. Either way, you’ll see the kind of scenery that’ll make you want to burst into tears, song or fits of whooping. Look out for the rich patterns and red, orange, pink and purple layers of the Painted Desert. The Desert View Watchtower (pictured left) at the canyon’s eastern edge is another impressive landmark, built by architect Mary Colter in 1932 and based on the traditional lookout towers of the native Pueblo people. Point Imperial, the highest spire in the canyon is beautiful, as is Dragon Corridor, the widest and deepest part of the canyon. All you have to do now is get a booking on a dawn flight when the colours are at their most dramatic. Papillon’s tours start from £162pp. papillon.com

WATCH VIDEOS OF THESE JOURNEYS tntmagazine.com/helicopter-rides

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TOP topFIVE five checking in

JUneau, ALaska

Wrap up warm, this flight over the Juneau Icefield is going to be chilly. Much of this region, with its epic glaciers, surreal rock formations and icefalls, looks truly otherworldly. And a plus point is that most of it is only accessible by air, so no need to feel guilty about avoiding a hike. Era Helicopters offers a Glacier Adventure Tour, which includes a quick stop to give you the chance to walk on an Alaskan glacier, for £189pp. eraflightseeing.com

Photos: Thinkstock

Victoria falls, Zimbabwe

When missionary and explorer David Livingstone discovered Victoria Falls, he said: “Scenes so lovely must have been gazed upon by angels in their flight.” Nearly 200 years later, helicopter tour operators couldn’t have picked a better tagline for their flights, which take you soaring over the powerful, plummeting waterfalls – another of the Seven Natural Wonders – and along the path of the wide Zambezi River. Victoria Falls Guide offers flights for £91pp. victoriafalls-guide.net

Rio, Brazil

Comfy yet opulent

Rio has to have one of the most impressive cityscapes in the world, with its lush hills, dramatic skyscrapers and, of course, the iconic statue of Christ the Redeemer – seeing those outstretched arms from above will be an unforgettable sight. Rio Adventures’ flights tour all of these, plus you’ll see the whole coastline stretching out beneath you – the perfect time to pick a beach to lounge on later. Tours from £140pp. helicopter-tours.rioadventures.com

Kilauea, Hawaii

The world’s most active volcano, Kilauea has been erupting almost continuously since 1983. Fancy watching this smouldering beast pouring its red-hot molten earth into the Pacific Ocean? Best to do it from the safety of a helicopter, we reckon. A flight with Safari Helicopters departs from Hilo, giving you views of the 13,000ft Mauna Loa and Mauna Kea before heading to the most active areas of volcanic activity at Pu’u O’o and Kilauea. It’ll set you back £97pp.

Macau at Ponte 16 Overview Macau has a raft of fabulously glamorous hotels, most of which are near or part of the casino scene the island is famous for. Sofitel Macau is certainly fancy – spacious marble lobby, big pink chandelier, you get the picture – but the atmosphere and friendly staff make it a relaxed place to stay. And should you wish to have a little flutter, there is a very low-key casino onsite where you can lose a few hundred patacas on roulette (although not much English is spoken here). The Old Macau historical quarter, where you can wander and enjoy the Portuguese colonial architecture, is also close by. Wow factor Many of the rooms have dizzying views out onto the harbour, so if you’re suffering from jetlag you can console yourself by watching the sun rise over the water. Rooms Comfortable and spacious, if a little generic. Bathrooms are the best bit, with giant rainshowers and lots of L’Occitane goodies. Bill, please Standard rooms from £115pn.

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Land love: stroll through the Englischer Garten on the way to surf spots or beer

Munich Germany

BERLIN

GERMANY

Pints are puny: guzzle steins in the city’s fine beer gardens

Munich

GETTING THERE Fly from London Stansted to Munich for £144 return with easyJet. easyjet.com

Petrol paradise: BMW’s HQ

[Caption] doesn’t stop Munich’s Beach 38 Landlocked:

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Mad about Munich Germany’s most outdoorsy city doesn’t let the fact it isn’t on the ocean stop it from having a kicking surf scene and much more Words Helen Elfer

Once upon a time, Berlin was Germany’s official city of cool. But gradually Munich, with its killer beer garden scene, range of outdoorsy activities (inner city surfing, anyone?) and all-year beach started to take the edge. So when many of you pile over there to sample the beery joys of Oktoberfest next month, book a few extra days to enjoy the rest of the city’s offerings.

River surfing A land-locked city might not be the first place you’d expect to find a killer surf scene, but Munich has it’s very own metre-high standing wave which is a popular spot for surfers. You’ll often find queues of board-carrying thrillseekers queuing under a bridge at the River Eisbach (in the Englischer Garten, just by the Haus der Kunst art museum). ‘Eisbach’ means ice stream, which should give you a clue about the chilly temperature of the water – yes, you’ll need that winter wetsuit. But the cold isn’t all you’ll have to worry about, as the wave is actually a tricky one to surf. A sign nearby warns, “Due to the forceful current, the wave is suitable for skilled and experienced surfers only.” Ingenious surfers-cum-engineers have used ropes and planks to adapt the break and increase its height, and it’s now also used by kayakers and playboaters, too. If you don’t want to wait around for your go, other standing waves can be found at Floßlände (near the Thalkirchen U-Bahn station) and the Isar river (near the bridge Wittelsbacherbrücke).

Take in the views There’s nothing like taking in a sweeping city vista from on high, and there are plenty of options for doing just that in Munich. The lazy option is to take a lift up to the top of the 290m-high Olympic Tower at Munich’s Olympiapark (olympiapark.de). The thigh-burning option is to climb the 306 stairs to the viewing platform of St Peter’s Church (alterpeter.de) and earn your rest at the top, looking over the characteristic rust-orange roofs of the city.

City sights Germany and fast cars are inextricably linked in the minds of most petrol heads, so if you’re one of them head to BMW’s HQ (known as four-cylinder tower) and the museum next to it (bmw-welt.com). There are exhibitions about the technical development of cars and vintage models on display. As for those who prefer their sightseeing a little more historical, the 17th-century Baroque Nymphenburg Palace (schloss-nymphenburg.de) is open to the public and boasts grand period furniture and paintings. ››

Hitting the beach Sea-free Munich not only has it own surf scene, but beaches too. One of Munich’s best loved summer traditions is to hang out on one of the city’s man-made stretches of sand. Beach 38 (beach38.de) is an indoors beach in the Ostbahnhof neighbourhood, open year-round. Housed in an old industrial complex, it even has heaters inside to give you that ’I’m really in the tropics’ kind of feel. You can do any and all sand-based activities here from beach sports to lazing around with your friends, drinking. More upmarket is the also artificial Roberto Beach (robertobeach.de), next to Aschheim Wasserskipark. This is a scenic spot for water sports and other activities such as beach golf and yoga. There’s also an excellent cocktail bar here.

Baroque: Nymphenburg Palace tntMagazine.com

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AT I N G 4 0 Y E

Guzzling beer Maybe a few nights in the infamous bierhalles of Oktoberfest will leave you never wanting to see another drop of beer as long as you live. Or more likely, you’ve had your appetite for the amber nectar whetted. In that case, get outside and enjoy some more beer garden action. Waldwirtschaft (waldwirtschaft.de), which we promise is much easier to pronounce after a couple of tongue-loosening pints, has a lovely, leafy outdoors drinking area and regular live jazz concerts. Alternatively, The Chinesischer Turm (chinaturm.de), which is also based in the Englischer Garten, always has a great atmosphere. Not only does it serve all the beer and Bavarian food you could ask for, but it’s scenic setting is next to a fivestorey wooden pagoda (The Chinese Tower, which gives the bar its name). There are also live oompah music concerts here at the weekends. ❚ More info about Munich at muenchen.de Oktoberfest runs from September 21 to October 6

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Olympic Tower: take the lift to the top

Next week Paddling Stockholm: Kayaking around the archipelago

MIDRANGE

LUXURY

eat

Just want a quick snack? Munich is famous for its weiners (no sniggering), so pick up a hotdog complete with lashings of mustard at the Schlemmermeyer Sausage and Ham Shop. From £4. (Viktualienmarkt 3, 80331 München; tel. 00 498 929 5575)

Have a Bavarian feed up in the quirky Muschelsaal of the Zum Augustiner Restaurant and Bierhalle, where the walls are covered with mussel shells. Get stuck into all the schitzel and sauerkraut you can eat here. Mains from £8. augustiner-restaurant.com

An art nouveau-styled restaurant serving gourmet German food with a twist, Kaisergarten is predictably expensive for dinner but their weekend breakfasts are more reasonably priced. Think smoked trout, omelettes and fresh bread. Breakfast with prosecco £13pp. kaisergarten.com

drink

For a cheap beer in Munich a backpacker bar is your best bet. Euro Bar shows sports on the big screen, hosts regular karaoke nights and their beers cost from £1.75. euro-youth-hotel.de/bar

It’s all about the music at The Atomic Café, which has built itself a reputation for putting on the best up-and-coming bands and the odd hip-hop night. Beer from £3 a bottle. atomic.de

Low-key Havana Club is considered one of the best places for a drink in Munich, specialising, unsurprisingly, in all drinks rum-related. Cocktails from £7.50. havanaclub-muenchen.de

sleep

Cheap and cheerful Wombats Munich is a favourite with backpackers for its buzzing atmosphere and central location. Take a breather in the glass-roofed courtyard after a day’s sightseeing. Dorm beds from £13.50pn. wombats-hostels.com

Rooms at the ultra-modern Hotel Cocoon come complete with funky hanging ball-chairs, free wi-fi and all the mod cons a gadgety traveller might want, including iPod docks. Rooms from £59pn. hotel-cocoon.de

The very swanky Charles Hotel is right in the Old Botanical Gardens, meaning a break from the city bustle without being too far from the action. Rooms are spacious and glamorous, starting from £318pn. thecharleshotel.com

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Photos: Diego Delso; Wikimedia Commons, License CC-BY-SA 3.0; Thinkstock; Getty; Facebook

BUDGET

TRAVELTIPS

Majestic: Moscow’s Christ the Saviour Cathedral

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READERS’ TIPS ON TRINIDAD AND TOBAGO WIN DOUBLING UP Try doubles, an Indian-infused Trinidad invention (left) involving two slices of bara (a fried flat bread) topped with chickpea curry and various peppery sauces. They’re amazing. Plus, at 40p a pop, highly addictive. Andy Eastshore, via email

Double up: a Trinidad snack

PARTY TIME The best time to go is at Carnival, where the celebrations rival Rio’s. Samantha Morton, via email

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arrange this trip independently. St Petersburg to Moscow is one of Russia’s most popular routes so it has a good provision of services. Russia’s trains are the best way to get around this vast country as they are comfortable, relatively inexpensive and services between the two major cities are frequent and efficient. Trains depart St Petersburg’s Moskovsky station and the first class sleeper carriages for an approximately eight-hour journey are a good option – they’re comfortable and clean with

two adult berths. A one-way first class sleeper ticket will cost around £200 per person. You may prefer to opt for a daytime service and sit in second class – as you won’t need a sleeping car this will be cheaper and the high speed Sapsan trains only take four hours. The cheapest way to book tickets is at the station reservation office, however you can also book in advance with agencies such as Real Russia, who can also arrange your visa for you (realrussia.co.uk). As the journey is relatively straightforward, a tour isn’t necessary. It would be pricey, too, but the advantage would be that you can concentrate on enjoying the trip rather than the logistics. Cox and Kings (coxandkings.co.uk)have a good Moscow and St Petersburg tour for seven nights from £1250, which includes flights, a high standard of accommodation and some meals.

What are the key European hotspots for the summer ski season? Tignes and Les 2 Alpes in France, Zermatt and Saas Fee in Switzerland, and Cervinia in Italy. There are also a few places in Austria, like Hintertux in the Tyrol. Les 2 Alpes has Europe’s largest skiable glacier. Why go in summer? It’s good for training. Many clubs train in slaloms, but anyone can take lessons to improve their skills. Most glaciers also have good snowparks to practice freestyle. Another great thing about summer skiing is the weather! It is usually sunny and quite warm. And the downsides? Getting up early! Glaciers are open in the morning as the snow gets too slushy later.

Under the sea: meet hawksbill turtles and more just off the coast of Tobago

tobago

Island hopping

Scarborough

Trinidad and Tobago Port of Spain

GETTING THERE Fly from London Gatwick to Tobago from approx ÂŁ415pp with Monarch Airlines. monarch.co.uk

trinidad

[Caption] 68

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BIGTRIP

The ‘real’ Caribbean TNT heads off to Trinidad and Tobago to dive headfirst into the islands’ cool underwater world and the hot and heavy nightlife Words Andrew Westbrook

WHEN TO GO: The best time Dive another day to visit Trinidad and Tobago is from Squinting into the distance, I spot the giant January to May when you can avoid Switching between the northern Speyside silhouette taking shape. Suddenly widethe daily rains. If you don’t mind eyed, I wake from my lazy drift along the sites and the many southwestern reefs, we the odd shower though, the rest of coral wall, no longer content to simply let encounter moray eels and nurse sharks, the year is cheaper, as hotels lower scorpion fish and spiny lobsters, the largest the current take me on its tour of vivid their rates during rainy season. colours, swaying sea fans and a grumpy brain coral in the world, plus the excellently Year-round temperatures stay hawksbill turtle. I’m now on red alert, aware preserved wreck of one-time ferry, the around 26-27°C. the current, tractor beam style, is bringing Maverick. “It’s like being in Avatar,” CURRENCY: £1 = 9.8 TTD me face-to-face with a creature many times enthuses my Kiwi dive buddy Brendan after (Trinidad and Tobago Dollar) my size. Heart fluttering, I cross my fins and returning to the surface one time. And I ACCOMMODATION: hope it’s friendly. don’t disagree. A seven-night stay with breakfast Several unnerving seconds pass and the In between two of our north-side dives we at Toucan Inn, plus return flights distance between us halves. It’s then that swim to Goat Island. It’s home to a derelict from London Gatwick, costs from I realise the shape is not merely swimming house we’re told once belonged to James £597pp. Book with Golden Holidays Bond creator Ian Fleming. Later research towards me, it’s flying. Huge wings several metres wide flap through the water until suggests the claims may not be true, with golden-holidays.co.uk suddenly, out of the darkness and into focus, SEE: gotrinidadandtobago.com most 007 experts adamant the Jamaica-based it emerges. I realise what my new dive buddy spy-turned-writer never owned property in is – it’s a massive manta ray. Tobago. But, however it began, the story is hard to resist. I’m diving off northern Tobago, the smaller of the two Stumbling out of the surf and onto shore, I don’t quite pull major islands that form the Caribbean nation of Trinidad off the Daniel Craig impression I’d desired, but luckily the and Tobago. Found just a few miles off the South American setting is enough of a distraction. Perched on the private coastline, it’s a country famed for its cultural mix and the island’s craggy rocks, overlooking a white sandy beach sort of biodiversity that has nature lovers drooling over and some of the best reef you’ll find, is the spacious threetheir binoculars. It’s a place where by day you can explore bedroom villa, which was supposedly Fleming’s holiday the Western world’s oldest protected forest, a haven for home. Little imagination is needed to picture the supermore birds per square mile than almost anywhere on the spy creator living here and, stepping cautiously between planet. After dark, meanwhile, you can immerse yourself the crumbling rooms, I half-expect to chance across an in the Caribbean’s wildest party scene, a reputation that’s underground lair, or find a Bond girl sipping a cocktail. Fact unsurprising considering these islands are the birthplace or fiction, the rest of my day is spent pondering how to raise of Carnival, steelpan bands, calypso, limbo and current the US$3m price tag for my own slice of double O heaven. dancehall favourite, soca. Lime dancing Right now, however, I’m exploring some of Tobago’s lesser-known treats, those found under the water. Fighting Among the dives we find ourselves criss-crossing the small the current around Black Jack Hole, off the sleepy town of jungle-clad island, which measures in at just 116 square Speyside, I watch as the manta continues to glide, its curving miles. Thankfully, due in part to lovable rules banning body rippling flirtatiously like a windswept Marilyn Monroe developments higher than a palm tree, much of Tobago still lacks the gated community-style resort tourism that Seven Year Itch dress. Drawing level, the giant ray then has become synonymous with many of the region’s islands, sashays up and over me, heading directly for the surface, perhaps explaining why time and again I’m greeted by the dominating the clear water overhead like a Gotham bat ›› words: “Welcome to the real Caribbean.” signal scanning the sky. tntMagazine.com

Photos: Thinkstock; Facebook; Island Experiences Tours; Andrew Westbrook

Clockwise: ziplining Trinidad’s jungle canopy; meeting a leatherback turtle; local sealife and brain coral; a tropical punch shack – and they pack one ... At one point our van comes to a standstill in the road, the delay due to two passing cars stopping for a chat. “What’s going on?” we ask Mr Brown, our ever-polite driver. “Don’t worry,” he replies. “They just liming.” Liming, in case you were wondering, is the habit of chewing the fat with a passer-by, originating from when people wanted to borrow a couple of limes off their neighbour, but had to have a catch-up before asking, out of politeness. Now, whether you’re in a bar or in the middle of the road, if you see someone you know, it’s only right to have a lime. “All good,” Mr Brown signals as we move on after a couple of minutes, “we may drive slow but we talk fast.”

cranks into action. The more traditional steel band fans, families and many of the tourists make for the exit, while in head the younger crowd, who’ve been waiting for the dancehall and soca to kick in. And kick in it does. The peoplewatching is utterly absorbing, not least when the dancing gets going. Heavy on booty grinding, or whining, dancing to soca is not for everyone. Like sex with your clothes on is how it’s sometimes described, and I soon see that it’s not an inaccurate analogy.

God is a DJ All too soon, our final night on Tobago arrives and the 20-minute flight to Trinidad beckons. As luck would have it, our final night is a Sunday, meaning we need not miss out on a Tobago institution – Sunday School. With the Scriptures a long way from sight, Sunday School is the main way that Tobago shows party-mad Trinidad that it ain’t shy about getting down. Located between the goat racing stadium (yes, really) and the water at Buccoo Beach, the open-air dance party began life as a weekly steelpan gig, giving the locals a chance to show off their calypso moves. Nowadays, however, the steel drums are only act one of a far more down and dirty event. Strolling in after dinner we quickly ease ourselves through a couple of £1 beers while the friendly mix of several hundred locals, with a healthy smattering of tourists, soak up the steely sounds. And then the clock strikes 11pm and the change is immediate. As the band wave their goodbyes, a huge sound system 70

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Peaceful paradise: T&T are mercifully brash resort-free

Double or nothing Next, we touch down in the capital Port of Spain, where the differences to Tobago, and especially the wider Caribbean, are immediately noticeable. Much bigger and more populous than its little brother, Trinidad is also the engine behind the one-time British colony’s successful economy, which is in large part due to its oil and gas riches. But Trinidad is much more than somewhere to drink and make money. Once away from the city, the island, roughly 50 miles by 30 miles, is beautiful. And so we spend our final days hiking through the jungle, swimming under waterfalls and ziplining across the canopy, before our final stop at Grande Riviere, where we’re hoping to meet another giant of the seas.

“

Tobago ain’t shy about getting down

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”

Trinidad and Tobago is one of the world’s top destinations when it comes to watching turtles nesting, and we’re after the biggest of the lot – leatherbacks. Guided by the full moon, we plod our way carefully onto the beach, and it seems we’re in luck. Sitting on the crest of the sand are a handful of the mighty females. Clearly knackered, they dig down deep to build their nests, before going into a trancelike state and dropping dozens of rubbery eggs into the hole. Watching from a metre or so away feels strangely intrusive but is a humbling experience. I’m glad my £10 entry fee will help vital nesting grounds for this NEXT WEEK critically endangered creature. And so, leaving the ladies to their Patagonia: Trekking the moonlit laying, there’s just one thing left Dientes de to do – head back to the bar for a lime. ❚ Navarino

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Then I caught him pooping in my cereal. And the other day I saw him unplug my alarm - pretty sure that’s what he was doing anyway. But alas, I can’t bring myself to slay the little demon. I know Mr Fluffernutter is in there somewhere. Please help, Susan REVENGE FROM ABOVE: To the tenant in my building that refuses to clean up his dog’s shit – I have been picking it up for three months now. I’ve collected the

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we can do the deed in my den, it’s pretty spacious. Ben SECOND SKIN: To the man in the full body latex/gimp suit and high heels whipping everybody in the arse last weekend at the club. Call me. Tucker SATAN’S HAMSTER: I need an exorcist or some sort of spiritual medium that specialises in animals. My pet chinchilla, Mr Fluffernutter, has been overtaken by some sort of demon. His red eyes beam in the dark and I can’t sleep. I tried putting him in the hall, but I wake up to him at the foot my bed.

damp droppings, packaged them in a large container, and kept them moist with a mister spray. Now, as I overlook the courtyard that you let become a minefield from my fourth-floor window, I will watch and wait. Should you again fail to scoop the brown bombs, I will unleash a volcanic fury and rain the excrement from the sky onto your head. Your move. Anonymous PRIVATE SCREENING: To the man giving himself a testicular cancer check on the Tube (I’m electing to assume that’s what you were doing) – I’m as much

for preemptive measures when it comes to health as the next bloke, but there’s a time and place for everything. I can’t have that shite going on right in my face on a Monday morning. I’m under enough stress. Lucas REWORDING: I need a tattoo altered from my right butt cheek. It’s dangerously close to the cavern, so it’s a sensitive area. Right now it reads ‘My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard’. I’d like to change it to ‘In everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God’. Phillippians 4:6. Keith PIGEON PEOPLE: To the people that feed pigeons all over London, attracting the flying rats to street level, where they prance about like they own the place, staring at me with their beady little eyes. There’s a special ring of hell reserved just for you. Ellen UNBALANCED SCIENCE: Last week I went to the Science Museum to drink beer and look at cool old stuff and play with the computery new stuff. But I was totally distracted by the ridiculous amount of hot girls, everywhere! Problem is, I’m a girl, who contrary to my haircut, likes to have sex with boys, and the boys were an assortment of nerdlingers and shy dweebs. Restore the balance guys, for science. Christy SEEKING DESPERATELY: I am trying to place a Desperately Seeking ad but can not find the email address. Please can you forward this to me. (Ed: You found it – see the top of page for future reference)

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FRESH AS: So we met briefly at Electric Daisy Carnival in the toilet queue. You were from Glenvista in South Africa and now live in Wimbledon. I have been kicking myself since then for not getting your number. So if you are Steve/ Steven that used to live in Acton but have moved with all the another Saffas, let’s have that drink and continue our chats. Natalie B-DAY BASH: It’s my birthday next week and my mates and I were looking to get a little weird. Meet us at Soho Square with a grapefruit, a spatula, three postcards from Thailand, a doctor’s note, a hefty bottle of olive oil and low inhibitions. Nice one, Kenneth ROGERS ME: Are you redheaded? With glasses? Lefthanded? Have you spent your career being under-appreciated and then been called in as a saviour for your nation at its lowest ebb? I’m basically saying, Christopher John Llewellyn Rogers, I love you. You can be the Lord’s of my bedroom as I Middle your Sex anytime. Sandra CRACK MY EGGS: I have a very paralysing, but rational fear that whenever I crack open an egg a little baby chick is going to flop onto the pan. Problem is, I love omelettes. So I need someone to come over every morning and do the deed. Free range only please. Rebecca ODE TO THE WALKIE: You’re there when I want beer, you’re there when I don’t want to hear (people talk). You’re there when I want to get drunk, or if I want to off-load my spunk. You’re there

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