TNT Magazine / Issue 1486 by TNT Magazine

February 20-26 2012 Issue 1486 tntmagazine.com

CRAIC ADDICTS Enjoy St Paddy’s Day in Ireland

WIN!

A TOUR THR OUGH SOUTH AFRIC A AS OUR BLOG GER

MEET THE RAZZIES 2012’s worst movie awards

AFTER THE REVOLUTION On the temple trail in Egypt

N A P A J R O F R HYPE London in n u S g in of the Ris d n a L e h t o a’ t Say ‘konichiw + TUSCANY CHARLIE BROOKER £10 BEAUTY TREATS SLOVENIA

ANGLO PACIFIC SHIPPING & TAX 30th Anniversary OVER 500,000 SATISFIED CUSTOMERS HAVE ALREADY TRUSTED THEIR POSSESSIONS TO ANGLO PACIFIC, LONDON’S LEADING SHIPPERS EXCESS BAGGAGE > Free supply of tea cartons and bubble > Free delivery/collection within M25 > By sea/air/road worldwide > Money Back Guarantee HOUSEHOLD REMOVALS > Free home survey, no obligation > Packed by skilled professionals > Shared or exclusive containers > Motor car/bike specialist shippers TAX REBATES > Average refund £963 secured last year > Online Tax Pack, only 10% commission MONEY TRANSFERS > Competitive exchange rates FINANCIAL PROTECTION > Bonded by the British Association of Removers > Bonded by the Association of Tax Agents > FIDI Accredited International Mover

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CAROL DRIVER EDITOR carol.driver@tntmagazine.com

EDITOR’S LETTER Does your knowledge of Japanese culture begin and end at sushi. If so, it’s time to get an education. Flick to P8 for all things East Asian in London, with the lowdown on the Hyper Japan festival this weekend. If you’re looking for adventure, read how our writer got on in Egypt after the revolution on P74, or for something closer to home, book in at one of Ireland’s best bars to celebrate St Paddy’s Day – see our recommendations on P60. Enjoy the craic!

THIS WEEK LONDONDIARY

LONDONNEWS

MY LONDON DRINK & EATS

14-15

@TNT

SPOTTED

LONDON SOUND

22-23

LISTINGS CLUB & GIGS

24-25

COMPETITION

CHATROOM CHARLIE BROOKER

LONDON SCENE SPARE TIME

28-29 34

LIFESTYLE

35-43

SHOPPING

FEATURES ALL THINGS JAPANESE

HEALTH & BEAUTY

36-37

CAREERS

38-39

LIVING

42-43

BAD MOVIES

NEWS & SPORT

44-55

Our definitive guide to the Razzies and all the terrible films from the last year.

COMPETITION TRAVEL

Photos: Vincenzo Pinto, Getty, TNT. Cover: Thinkstock

53 57-78

DIARY

NEWS

LATE DEALS

HOTSHOTS

TOP FIVE

64-65

TIPS & STUFF

66-67

SHORTBREAK

68-70

CLASSIFIEDS

79-113

DESPERATELY SEEKING

114

A look at the upcoming Hyper Japan and the Land of the Rising Sun in London

WEEKEND IN TUSCANY

Enjoy 48 hours in this stunning part of Italy. The memories will be ones to cherish

PARTY LIKE THE IRISH

Where to go and how to celebrate on the booziest day of the year, St Paddy’s Day

PARKING UP

The best national parks to visit next time you’re Stateside – beautiful stuff

POST REVOLUTION

We head to Egypt, a year after the trouble started – what can tourists expect?

74 TNTMAGAZINE.COM

EDITORIAL Editor Carol Driver Sub editor Jahn Vannisselroy Content editors: Acting Travel Laura Chubb Entertainment Alasdair Morton News & sport Tom Sturrock Web Frankie Mullin Staff writer Clare Vooght Staff writer/editorial assistant Rebecca Kent

LONDONDIARY

@tntmagazine

Awesome: Circus Of Horrors

DESIGN AND PRODUCTION Head of design and production Jon Cooke Graphic design manager Justine Mackay Acting picture researcher Ruth Board DIGITAL & IT Head of digital marketing and development Syed Ahmad Social Media Coordinator Dan Thorne IT manager Stephen Dann SALES Commercial director David Alstin Sales manager Jaqui Ward Classified Ad Manager Matt Syder Sales executives Tyler Harrison | Eddie Clinton | Donovan Smith | Michael Fair Sales administrator Abby Nightingale MARKETING & EVENTS Marketing and events assistant Phoebe Cherrill ACCOUNTS Margaret Roberts | Suzanne Welsh TNT MULTIMEDIA LTD CEO Kevin Ellis Chairman Ken Hurst PUBLISHER TNT Multimedia Limited DISTRIBUTION Emblem Direct Ltd PRINTED BY Wyndeham Peterborough Limited NEWS AAP SAPA NZPA PICTURES Getty Images, TNT Images, Thinkstock TNT Magazine , 16 Brune St, London, E1 7NJ tntmagazine.com General enquiries Phone 020 7953 8469 Fax 020 7953 7957 Email enquiries@tntmagazine.com

Shhh... SECRET LONDON CIRCUS OF HORRORS – THE VENTRILOQUIST INDIGO2

This gang of misfits and oddballs shows off their freakiest tricks for your entertainment. Where else in London can you see a beautiful creature hung upsidedown while a daredeveil trapeze artist performs an exquisite aerial act hung solely from her hair? Or a contortionist manipulate her body into mind-blowing positions while firing an arrow? Remember the circus when you were younger? Well, the Circus Of Horrors – much cooler and without the dubious animal treatment – is completely different. £15+

SALES ENQUIRIES

PHONE 020 7989 0567 EMAIL sales@tntmagazine.com

Sun, Feb 26 The O2, Millennium Way, Greenwich, SE10 0DX

WHERE TO GET TNT

North Greenwich

ticketmaster.co.uk

SEE tntmagazine.com/findtnt for pick-up points or tntmagazine.com/emag to read TNT online

BIG EGG HUNT

TNT TRAVEL SHOW 2012

HAWKING DISPLAY

SUBSCRIPTIONS AND DISTRIBUTION Caroline Penn 01603 559004

It’s the ultimate Easter scavenger hunt – 200 eggs, all about a metre high and decorated by a range of artists and designers. So get eggspotting – it is, after all, for a good cause, with funds raised going to children’s charities. Still, it’s a mystery how they’ve managed to monetise people spotting giant eggs.

London’s biggest free travel show returns to showcase the finest deals from more than 90 exhibitors, many offering up to 50 per cent off. Whether it’s Egypt, Europe, or the US on your ‘must-do’ list, you’ll be able find great bargains and hear experts share their knowledge at a range of seminars. Register online for free entry.

Stephen Hawking – probably the world’s most famous scientist – has made it to his 70th birthday, and this exhibition honours his life’s work, with previously unseen recordings and photos from his archives. If you’ve read A Brief History Of Time and understood at least some of it, this is likely to provide an expanded insight into the man’s work.

Until Apr 1 Various locations Various thebigegghunt.co.uk

Sat, Mar 3 Earl’s Court Exhibition Centre, WC2H 7BX Earls Court tnttravelshow.com

Until Apr 13 Science Museum, Exhibition Rd, SW7 2DD South Kensington sciencemuseum.org,uk

COVER PRICE: £1 where sold

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TNT Magazine is printed on paper from sustainable forests. There is no business connection between the proprietors of this magazine and TNT Ltd, the worldwide transportation group. Copyright here and abroad of all original materials is held by TNT Magazine. Reproduction in whole or part is forbidden, except with permission of the publishers. Registered as a newspaper at the Post Office.

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Flip out on Pancake Day

GREAT SPITALFIELDS PANCAKE RACE Old Truman Brewery

London’s wackiest Shrove Tuesday event draws an eclectic crowd each year, especially if the weather behaves itself. You’ll get teams of competitors in ridiculous costume dashing through this Brick Lane landmark with their cherished pancakes in hand. If you’re in east London anyway, it’s definitely worth swinging past for a bite of lunch to cheer on these shamelessly willing runners. FREE

Tues, Feb 26 91 Brick Lane, E1 6QL

Liverpool Street

alternativearts.co.uk

WIGWAM UKULELE JAM

ROTHKO IN BRITAIN

Every week, you can come along and listen to the most bitchin’ ukulele licks on the rooftop of this favourite east London watering hole. And if the blistering live set isn’t enough to get you through the door, consider that mulled cider and barbecued sausages are also on offer. This could easily become your new favourite thing.

An exhibition revisiting another exhibition from 50 years earlier? Maybe it sounds like overkill, but the black-andwhite cool of American painter Mark Rothko is interesting enough to warrant the second look. Rothko made his name in New York in the 1920s, his work vividly capturing that time and place.

Tues, Feb 21 Queen of Hoxton, 1 Curtain Rd, EC2A 3JX Old Street thequeenofhoxton.com

Until Feb 26 77-82 Whitechapel High St, E1 7QX Aldgate East whitechapelgallery.org

FREE

LONDONNEWS

@tntmagazine

LFW MODELS BANNED FROM USING SUNBEDS Leading model agencies banned Britain’s top models from using sunbeds before London Fashion Week, which kicked off last Friday. The move backs Cancer Research UK’s R UV UGLY campaign, warning Britons about the risks of sunbed use. Directors of 11 agencies including Next, Storm and Premier Model Management have signed up to the ban to protect models from sunbeds’ health impacts. Researchers say using a sunbed more than once a month increases the risk of skin cancer by 50 per cent.

Huge teams of counterterrorism detectives are turning up at people’s homes ... this is behaviour reminiscent of Mugabe A source at News International’s Wapping HQ on the phone hacking inquiry

MI5 NEVER FOUND STAR’S BIRTHPLACE Newly released files reveal that MI5 failed to find Charlie Chaplin’s place of birth during a US inquiry over whether he was a communist sympathiser. MI5 agents decided the silent film star, who grew up in London, had left-wing ideals but wasn’t a security risk. They never found his birth certificate, leading them to believe he wasn’t born in London.

ON THE TUBE

‘Those synchro swimmers are fit, eh?’

Stones discuss Games gig

Guitarist reveals band are keen to play in London this summer Rolling Stones legend Ronnie Wood has revealed that the band are in talks about playing during the London 2012 Olympic Games. The guitarist, 64, said organisers had asked the Stones to play at the opening ceremony and that he had also been asked to perform at the closing ceremony with his other band, The Faces. Despite a statement last week saying the Stones wouldn’t play any Olympics gigs, the wrinkly rocker said: “We’ve got more meetings, everyone wants to do it. “I’ve been asked to do the opening ceremony with the Stones and close the Games with The Faces.” He joked: “I’ve got to be the first biathlete musician.” Wood said it’d be a squeeze, as he’s

busy with The Faces, plus his art exhibitions and a Sky Arts TV show this year. But he added: “It would be fantastic. The Olympics coming to London is a oncein-a-lifetime thing and it would be too good an opportunity to miss.” Sir Paul McCartney, Adele and Blur are also rumoured to be playing the Olympics opening ceremony, which is happening on July 27 and is set to attract a TV audience of one billion. The theme of the £27m spectacle is ‘Isles of Wonder’, and director Danny Boyle has revealed that he will be taking inspiration from William Shakespeare’s The Tempest. The Rolling Stones are celebrating their 50th anniversary this year and are rumoured to be planning more gigs.

THIS WEEK IN LONDON...

Master and commander

THIS WEEKEND’S CLOSURES/WORKS

CENTRAL: No service between Liverpool Street and Woodford/Newbury Park all weekend.

NORTHERN: No service between Archway and High Barnet/Mill Hill East all weekend.

OVERGROUND: Suspended on Sunday between Richmond and Camden Road; Shepherd’s Bush and Willesden Junction; South Tottenham and Barking; Sydenham and West Croydon.

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

Photos: Getty

WATERLOO & CITY: Closed on Sunday.

Following the demise of the hazardous bendy bus – hated by Mayor Boris Johnson and cyclists across the city – at the end of last year, London’s shiny new Routemasters hit the streets this week. From Monday, the first buses to be designed specifically for London’s roads in more than 50 years will serve route number 38, which runs from Hackney to Victoria, through Angel and the West End. The sparkling-new red buses have curved red roofs and give the passengers a choice of three doors to hop on and hop off through. They’ll also be patrolled by good old-fashioned conductors. The fancy new buses’ arrival comes in plenty of time for the Olympics – nice one TfL.

International mobile calls from 10p a minute And unlimited UK calls and texts to anyone on ø when you top up £15 a month

Australia mobile calls

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South Africa mobile calls

Zimbabwe mobile calls

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International Sim

10p texts to all countries

Visit your local corner store, any ø shop or o2.co.uk/internationalsim Exclusions apply. International rates are for calls made from the UK. Excessive usage policy and terms apply. Minimum top up £15 for unlimited UK O2-O2 calls and texts. Prices above are promotional and valid until 28th February 2012, see o2.co.uk/internationalsim for details and latest call rates.

Geisha parade: look out for the happy souls

It’s a J-celebration Don’t know your otaku from your Harajuku? When Japan comes to London for three days, why not find out? WORDS REBECCA KENT Japanese culture has had an almighty influence on the West. We eat more sushi than sandwiches, burst our lungs in karaoke boxes, and Fenton the dog – well, he’s got nothing on Hello Kitty, the ubiquitous white bobtail cat. But whatever piece of Japan you enjoy, from lip-smacking Wagyu to the threads of Harajuku street fashion, there’s only one place to get your J-fix this weekend. Hyper Japan is the UK’s biggest celebration of Japanese culture, cuisine and cool; a veritable cornucopia of delights from the Land of the Rising Sun. It’s a unique chance to get upto-date on the latest trends in street culture, video games, J-pop, J-comedy, technology and fashion, before the rest of the world catches on. Attendees will learn there’s far more to Japan than sushi and Game Boys, . “A lot of people like a certain element of Japanese culture – the food, or anime, or video games,” event director Kazuhiro Marumo says. “But while we bring all those together, we also offer the chance to discover something new and unexpected – in tradition as well as modern culture.” 8

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Indeed, explore the convention and soon enough you’ll become familiar with the quirks of the Japanese subculture: dreamy Lolita fashion, otaku (the obsession with anime), kawaii (the quality of cuteness), gekigastyle comics, and wagashi (edible art). Plus you’ll meet a smattering of Japanese celebs: singer and actress Natsuko Aso; Japanese-inspired Brit YouTube sensation Beckii Cruel; and film director Miki Satoshi (Adrift In Tokyo) and actor Eri Fuse, who will present a Japanese cinematic showcase. Tom Smith, editor of UK-based East Asia entertainment magazine, NEO, and founder of London rock music event, Japan Underground, admits to a J-infatuation. “Japanese culture has a soft spot for the quirky, and I love quirky things,” Smith says. “Plus, have you seen Japanese girls? They take cute to a whole different level. I’m not talking physically. The way some act is completely different to anything I’ve experienced before.” Foodies, especially, will encounter something curious, with the full gamut of Japanese cuisine’s flavours and

textures in the offing, sake brewers battling it out in a taste-off, and five chefs vying for the UK Sushi Roll Championship crown. Entrant Masaki Nishioka hopes to impress with his experimental strawberry milk caviar dessert variety. “It will be unlike anything ever tasted before,” Nishioka promises. He’s been delighted at the UK’s love affair with sushi, adding: “Its popularity skyrocketed when the Michelin guide started to cover Japan. It’s a trendy food, and London loves a trend.” Finally, in keeping with Japan’s penchant for the bold and the bizarre, Hyper Japan will stage a cosplay convention, where fanboys and girls will parade in the costumes of popular anime characters. Be warned, though, no cosplayer does things by halves, so expect a showcase that’s in-yourface – just like most things from this alternative land of reinvention, really. THE BEST OF JAPAN IN LONDON ›› Hyper Japan, February 24-26. £6 Earl’s Court, SW5 Earl’s Court hyperjapan.co.uk

E& MGOYROPCCTO www.topdeck.travel/deals

Rock out: Japan Underground gets wild

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SAKE TASTING LIVERPOOL STREET Sushi has a firm foothold in Western food and drink culture, but sake has been a slow burner. Nevertheless, with as many varieties of sake as there are wine, it’s certainly worth our appreciation. Here, you can try five different types, matched with Japanese dishes. You’ll also learn drinking etiquette and production techniques from sake sommelier Shinya Maeji.

HARAJUKU AND COSPLAY MEET-UP WESTBOURNE PARK

£25

Wed, Mar 7. 6.30pm-8.30pm Moshi Moshi, Unit 24, Liverpool Street Station, EC2M 7Q Liverpool Street moshimoshi.co.uk

If a one-off opportunity to partake in cosplay at Hyper Japan isn’t enough, this informal group of Harajuku and cosplay afficionados will be just the trick. They meet regularly at fun Japanesethemed events and usually dance their cute little socks off. The most common meeting place is at west London haunt, Retro, which plays a Japanese film once a month, and tends to attract disciples of J-culture FREE

SUMO WRESTLING VARIOUS Get a pair of guests to slip on a fat suit and have it out in a ring, and you’ve got yourself the perfect way to ramp up a party. You suggest a location and this company supplies the suits, a mat, a smoke machine, an umpire, and even a Japanese soundtrack. Put on the fake pounds and find a friend who is ready to rumble. £210

Sun, Mar 11. 7pm Retro, 50 Bosworth Road, WC2N 6HH Westbourne Park meetup.com

Anytime Various locations sumoexperience.co.uk

MARTIAL ARTS KENSINGTON

LEARN JAPANESE OXFORD CIRCUS

Learn the traditional Japanese disciplines of judo, shotokan karate, Aikido and ju-jitsu at a school that has trained Olympic competitors for decades. The venue has, and continues to, attract high profile teachers, so you are learning from the best.

Take your Japanese language skills beyond ‘konichiwa’ over nibblies. This informal group meets regularly, and also holds social dinner nights, karaoke events and hanami (flower-viewing) picnics.

£10

LUCKY VOICE KARAOKE ISLINGTON You haven’t truly made like a Japanese person until you’ve lost yourself in a ballad, mic in hand, while contained in a box. When you’re visiting karaoke haunts in your lunch break, then you’ve really got the idea. Loosen your collar after work, have a drink at the bar, then dive into one of the booths. There are even costumes, so you can look the part. It’s the most fun you’ll have with your clothes on. Also in Soho. £5

Daily. Times vary. 73 Upper Street, N1 1RG Highbury & Islington bars.luckyvoice.com

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Various 4 Gilston Road, SW10 9SL South Kensington budokwai.co.uk

BENIHANA PICCADILLY

FREE

First Tuesday each month. 6.30pm Old Explorer pub, 23 Great Castle Street, W1G 0JA Oxford Circus jcg.org.uk

SCRAMBLE ONLINE

There’s no kitchen in this restaurant. Instead, you sit around a teppanyaki grill and watch the chef cook your meal, then toss it over on to your plate. It’s great food theatre.

The clothes at this online store feature logos that draw from the bright colours and deft brushstrokes of Japanese fashion, some of which can evoke a swaying tree or a rippling lake. Plus, there are a few select lines straight from Japan.

Daily. Times vary 37 Sackville StreetW1S 3DQ Piccadilly Circus benihana.co.uk

Online store scramblestuff.com

ORIGAMI SOUTH BANK Start with a crane, and with any luck, plus a little help from some practiced paper-folders, you’ll be making a meal of your morning newspaper on the Tube. Join origamists – experts and amateurs alike – as they congregate for their love of the traditional Japanese art. Attend regularly and you’ll be on your way to true origami mastery. Remember, though, glue is unforgivable. FREE

Second Sat each month. 2pm-5pm First floor foyer, The Festival Hall, Southbank Centre, Belvedere Rd, SE1 8XX Waterloo britishorigami.info

THE JAPAN CENTRE PICCADILLY CIRCUS

ANIME ALL-NIGHTER PICCADILLY CIRCUS

It’s fair to say that for all things Japanese in London, if you can’t get it here, you’ll struggle to find it anywhere. Starting life as a suitcase full of Japanese books, the Japan Centre now includes a supermarket, bakery, deli, restaurant, homeware department, bookshop and even an online shop.

A night of back-toback anime films will prove how deep the obsession runs for some, even 21 years after Manga began to distribute Japanese animation in the UK. Organisers have confirmed Bleach 3 among the five flicks to be shown, as part of the Sci-fi London Film Festival. DJ tunes in the bar will precede the screenings.

Mon-Fri 9.30am to 5.30pm 4-16 Regent Street, SW1Y 4PH Piccadilly Circus japancentre.com

£35

YUKI’S KITCHEN COOKING CLASSES VARIOUS Noodles, tofu, miso, sushi, bento, or dumplings: whichever element of Japanese cuisine gets your juices going, you’ll gain a newfound appreciation if you learn how to whip it up yourself. Yuki, raised near Mt Fuji with a fanatical cook for a mother, worked in restaurants in the US and here in the UK, where she now teaches scheduled and bespoke one-off workshops and courses. £25

Sat, May 5, 11pm-8am Apollo Cinemas, 9 Lower Regent Street, SW1Y 4LR Piccadilly Circus sci-fi-london.com

Anytime Yuki’s home in Crystal Palace or client’s home yukiskitchen.com

JAPAN UNDERGROUND

SUSHI-MAKING VARIOUS

’Insane’ just about sums up this J-rock event, especially when you consider the last show had a Japanese Queen tribute band – with Freddie in just his pants – rocking out on stage. It’s always a sell-out.

Tsuru sushi has been shortlisted in this year’s sushi-maker of the year competition, to be announced at Hyper Japan. Where better, then, to learn the art of preparing a great nori roll? You’ll have the best dinner parties in town.

SOUTHWARK MANGA DRAWINGS HOLBORN This is a rare opportunity to view original drawings of one of Japan’s most famous Manga characters, Professor Munakata, from the British Museum Adventure series. Millions of readers eagerly followed the professor’s adventures in the fortnightly magazine, Big Comic, dreamed up after illustrator Hoshino Yukinobu visited the museum in 2009. To celebrate the series being turned into an English book, Yukinobu has lent his finished drawings and sketches to the museum. A genuine boon for fans of all things Manga.

Photos: ©Tite Kubo/Shueisha, TV TOKYO, dentsu, Pierrot © BMP 2008, Getty

FREE

Daily. Until Apr 8. Times Vary The British Museum, Great Russell Street, WC1B 3DG Piccadilly Circus britishmuseum.org

£5

Check website for next event japanunderground.wordpress.com

TSUNAMI APPEAL GOLDERS GREEN FREE Hear sobering accounts from those caught in the devastation of last year’s tsunami and earthquake in Japan at this event, run by Seven Beach Aid. There’ll be a concert and other activities, tba, too. Sun, Mar 11. 2pm Golders Green Parish Church, West Heath Drive, NW11 7QG Golders Green sevenbeachaid.org

£40

OVER THE PARCHED FIELD BAKER STREET

Take advantage of a daily half-price sushi happy hour (5pm-7.30pm), and if an Ozeki saké puts you in the mood, karaoke awaits.

When their relatives die, some Japanese people visit the volcanic region of Osorezan, or ‘fear mountain’, in Aomori, to talk to the dead through a medium. Since being raised to follow this practice, the line between life and death has been blurred for London-based Japanese photographer, Akiko Takizawa. Her perspective and understanding of Osorezan is eerily depicted in this exhibition, and her choice of motifs adds an intriguing element.

Sat, Apr 30. 11.45pm Oishiii Japanese Eatery, 67 Stoke Newington Church Street, N16 0AR Stoke Newington oishiiirestaurant.co.uk

Until Mar 1 Daiwa Foundation Japan House, 13/14 Cornwall Terrace, NW1 4QP Baker Street dajf.org.uk

Anytime Restaurants in Mansion House, Bishopsgate and Bankside tsuru-sushi.co.uk

DINNER AND KARAOKE STOKE NEWINGTON

FREE

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MYLONDON

JAYSON NORRIS MUSICIAN What baffles me about London is the many legal procedures that take forever. When buying a house, or applying for any type of building work, it has to go through so many different channels when it doesn’t have to. And TfL. London’s best-kept secret is the coffee at Sacred’s six London locations; the calamari at Busaba Ethal on Old Street; and the bagel bakery on Brick Lane! Hmmm, just realised it’s all about the food … When I want to chill out I either spend time with my son, or if I’m home alone, I will open Logic Pro and start creating. Maybe even a game of golf (usually West Middlesex) to shoot an average 77.

LONDON BRONCOS

HUDDERSFIELD GIANTS

KO: 2.00PM DATE: 26/02/12 londonbroncosrl.com

The most interesting person I’ve met was my downstairs neighbour when I lived in Maida Vale. He seemed to have done and seen everything from playing bass for BB King to travelling through India doing yoga. He probably ran for mayor somewhere. My favourite place for a drink is The Chatsworth in Acton or The Clifton in Maida Vale, but both are very different from each other. I don’t usually go out, though – I’m always at pubs/bars with my work. When you’re hungover in London head to Jack’s in Queens Park for the Yankee Doodle Dandy breakfast. What gets me up in the morning? Getting my son’s breakfast ready. My perfect weekend would go like this: Friday evening, a couple of quiets on my folks’ deck in Rangiputa, NZ. Waking up early, off in the boat, some fishing, another BBQ with fresh seafood, a game of petanque, watch the sun set. Next day: beach for tuatuas and a picnic, and home in time for Country Calendar. The last naughty thing I did was scare off the neighbour’s cat for crapping on my lawn. I threw a rotten apple at it. It jumped 10 feet in the air and scaled the fence. I’m a bad ass. Five words that sum up London ... exciting, frustrating, rewarding, dirty, refreshing. jaysonnorris.com See Jayson live at The TNT Travel Show, March 3, Earl’s Court. 9.30am-5.30pm. Register for free entry at tnttravelshow.com

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ADULTS: £15 CONCESSIONS: £10 KIDS: £5

LONDONDRINKS

OLD TOM’S BAR

@tntmagazine

Drinking in ‘old London’

CHEESE AND CHARCUTERIE THE SCENE A cosy basement spot in the City’s Leadenhall Market. It’s not your usual Bank bar – lights are low and suits are few. Broken emerald-green 19th-century wall tiles and a “smoking room” sign give the impression of old London. THE GRUB It’s as much about food as drink here, but if you don’t like cheese and meat, go home, because that’s Old Tom’s speciality. Quality cheeses range from blue to rind, to goat’s, and the Barbers 1833 vintage reserve cheddar is comforting and creamy. Decadent meats dishes include wild boar and venison salami, duck breast smoked over whisky-infused oak chips, and a homely honey-roast English ham. BEHIND THE BAR The prosecco is disappointingly flat, but this is redeemed by an intensely deep Malbec that washes the cheese down a little too well. The spicy shiraz is also well-matched to the menu. For hops-based drink fans, there’s a strong London cask ale and craft beer contingent with Camden Hells and Redemption included. You won’t find Stella or Fosters in here. BILL PLEASE Half pints of beer and ale from £1.75; wine from £3.90 a glass, £15.50 a bottle. Cheese and meat plates £5.50; sharing boards with three dishes £14.95. VERDICT The food and wines are expertly matched, portions are generous and it’s a welcome alternative to the City’s plethora of shiny bars. Flat fizz aside, Old Tom deserves a roaring trade. CLARE VOOGHT

Whittington Street, Leadenhall Market, EC3V 1LR

3 OF THE BEST PANCAKE PLACES

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oldtomsbar.co.uk

Bank

BREAKFAST CLUB

WATER POET

FORTNUM & MASON

If you think you can eat 12 pancakes in 20 minutes, put your money where your mouth is on Feb 21 in Artillery Lane. Do the job and your pancakes are free. Otherwise, cough up £15.

Bowl into this Shoreditch boozer on Shrove Tuesday for sweet and savoury pancakes for every palate. There’s a smoked salmon with crème fraîche and herb topping for the adventurous.

Not so hot at flipping a pancake? Get tips from an expert at this Piccadilly demo on February 21. It’s at 11am, so there’ll be time left in the day to wow your friends with your skills later.

thebreakfastclubcafes.com

waterpoet.co.uk

fortnumandmason.com

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A great adventure: Powder Keg Diplomacy

MESSAGE IN A CAKE For when a decorative ‘happy birthday’, or ‘good luck’ scrawl is just not enough, you can now surprise a special friend with a cake that contains a link to a home-made video message. A QR code is iced onto the ‘Qake’, and when activated by a smartphone, the clip will appear. You just need to upload a video of your choice to the web, then send the URL with your order, and let the bakers do the rest. It’s Creative genius! Cakes start at £50. cakesnextday.com

A COCKTAIL AND A TEAR Jilted lovers, here’s a place to drown your sorrows. On February 29, Covent Garden cocktail specialist Adventure Bar is providing a haven for ladies whose leap year marriage proposals have gone pear-shaped. If you present the unwanted ring, or regale the staff with your heartbreaking story, not only will you get a shoulder to cry on, but a free cocktail, too. That’s solidarity, sister. adventurebar.co.uk

FOOD FROM ON HIGH If you can’t get to the snow this year, head to Bayswater, where Le Café Anglais brings a taste of the slopes to you, with its après-ski menu. At the centre of the menu is raclette, which originates from the mountainous regions of Switzerland and France. Cheese is melted at your table and served with boiled ratte potatoes, cornichons, charcuterie and salad. Two courses for £16.50, until March 10. lecafeanglais.co.uk

POWDER KEG DIPLOMACY BRITISH

This Victorian-styled restaurant and bar transports you back to a colonial age, especially in The Observatory Dining Room, the restaurant at the venue’s rear, where it’s easy to imagine you’re sitting in 1800s East India, sipping a G&T in the shade. There are some wonderful creative touches: the old gramophones recycled as lightshades and the upside-down pot plants add a touch of the surreal – but are they really there or are you simply suffering some tropical fever? THE GRUB A top-quality British menu offers plenty of choice. For starters, I decide on the seared smoked salmon with grilled fennel, caramelised chicory, chorizo and lemon dressing. It’s a brilliant beginning. My date continues in the seafood vein, ordering rope-grown mussels cooked in Somerset cider, with shallots, garlic and parsley. She’s annoyed, though; the mussels taste so good I keep eating them. From the mains menu, the venison saddle with maple-roasted sweet potatoes, roasted salsify and Hoxton Stout sauce proves a satisfying decision. The venison is expertly cooked, served tender and moist, just the way it should be. The chef sure knows his way around game. My date’s pork belly with black pudding, fondant potato, cider and confit garlic sauce is another winner and is wolfed down in no time, aided by a bottle of South African red between the two of us. Disappointingly, the popular apple crumble on the dessert menu has sold out, so we have the ice cream, which is nothing special. It’s a shame there aren’t more creative fallbacks. The service from our waitress, however, is top quality. THE SCENE

A huge range of award-winning, specialist drafts, ales and lagers from £3.95; creative cocktails from £7.50; and wine from £3 a glass. BILL PLEASE £90 for three courses, including wine and cocktails. VERDICT This satisfying adventure, offering sublime flavours, superb drink and a stylish nod to the past, comes highly recommended. JAHN VANNISSELROY BEHIND THE BAR

147 St Johns Hill, SW11 1TQ

powderkegdiplomacy.co.uk

Clapham Common

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SOUNDS BAD The Grammys have become a joke and no longer showcase real talent, just over-publicised hypes. Adele’s wins were overthe-top – she had one good song played continuously until everyone was sick of it. Adele is so far a one-hit wonder, yet we have artists like Kyle Minogue who have survived the test of time and deserve the accolade more. And the rest was the same old predictable crap. I guess it all depends on who your sponsor is. Aziza Al Busaidy, via Facebook

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AN OPEN LETTER from James Nathan (Managing Director of Topdeck Travel) Growing up in Australia, I always had a great desire to experience the Dawn Service at Gallipoli. Coming together with your fellow Australians and New Zealanders at ANZAC Cove to remember fallen soldiers and commemorate the founding of the ‘ANZAC Spirit’ is an incredibly moving experience. I have been lucky enough to experience the Dawn Service in Turkey on several occasions.

All Topdeck passengers have the comfort of knowing that their trip payments are 100% guaranteed by Topdeck’s ABTA bonding. In these uncertain times it’s comforting to know your funds are 100% secure. In addition, Topdeck are members of ETOA, WYSE Travel Confederation and USTOA and preferred partners of such big names as Flight Centre, Harvey World Travel, Jetset and Escape Travel.

Being at Gallipoli has also given me the chance to observe the performance of my own company as well as our competitors. Through my experiences, we have constantly ﬁne-tuned our ANZAC programme and I am now sure that our Gallipoli product is second to none in terms of quality and value for money.

We have over 30 years experience of group travel, and have been running trips to Gallipoli for longer than any other festivals operator, so we know what you want!

Finally, all Topdeck passengers will be given my personal phone number in Turkey, hence, in the unlikely event that there is a problem that can’t be resolved by our experienced staff members, I will personally attend to it.

For our 2012 Gallipoli program I can assure you: »

All Topdeck passengers will stay in 3 to 4 star hotels, all of which in Istanbul are located within walking distance of the Blue Mosque and Grand Bazaar as well as the restaurants and nightlife of Sultanahmet. All Topdeck trips will be accompanied by experienced Turkish Guides who have been to Gallipoli. Topdeck Turkish guides are paid above the industry average, are highly experienced and have an excellent command of English. We do not cut costs (as some companies do) by supplying a guide who has never visited Gallipoli. In addition, all Topdeck trips will also be accompanied by one of our own European trained Australian or New Zealand Trip Leaders. Only Topdeck Trip Leaders undergo a rigorous 7 week Training Trip renowned for its quality within the travel industry.

As you can see, at Topdeck we are committed to giving all our passengers superior quality trips. As a preferred supplier to some of the most respected names in the travel industry worldwide, this is our charter. So, if you are thinking of travelling to Gallipoli this year make sure you talk to us. You have my personal guarantee that we have left no stone unturned to ensure you will have a truly memorable ANZAC trip. This is a once in a life time experience, make sure you do it right. I invite you all to experience Gallipoli in 2012 the Topdeck way. Cheers,

All Topdeck passengers will travel in style in some of Turkey’s most modern air conditioned and video equipped coaches.

James Nathan

trips for 18 to 30 somethings

L8291 / Y2992

www.topdeck.travel

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Has the elder statesman just spotted Liam at the back?

festival

watch

LOVEBOX

NOEL GALLAGHER’S HIGH FLYING BIRDS The O2, Peninsula Square, SE10 0DX

WHEN June 15-17. Victoria Park. £49-£99 SEE: lovebox.net

Hackney becomes one great big dancefloor as Lovebox, celebrating its 10th anniversary, takes over for the weekend. Hot Chip, Friendly Fires and Frankie Goes To Hollywood’s Holly Johnson are the headliners, with 2Bears, Crystal Castles, Azealia Banks (pictured), Magnetic Man, Emile Sande, , Nikki And The Dove and The Rapture but a handful of the other acts. Get your dancing shoes on, you’re going to need them.

SUN, FEB 26 | DOORS AT 7PM | £40

Noel kept schtum when Oasis split, opting not to enter into a war of words with little brother Liam and fan the flames of fraternal discontent. He even let Liam get the headstart on him with Beady Eye. Noel has the last laugh, though, as his High Flying Birds have gone from debut album and gigs at the Forum to smashing the O2 in a mere matter of months. The secret to Noel’s success is that he has managed to keep Oasis fans on side with the Birds, while striking out in a new direction. Displaying a more mature, less ambiguous songwriting approach, his self-titled debut album went straight to the top of the charts, lead single The Death Of You And Me symbolising the album’s tone, style attitude and smarts. More importantly, it avoided any of the naff reviews and snide comments that dogged Liam’s comeback. The most triumphant thing about this post-Oasis return is that Noel has quickly established himself as an emerging elder statesman of rock, a Paul Weller for a new generation, the man who’s seen it all and emerged the other side, integrity intact and with a smart one-liner to boot. The older Gallagher’s got a bag stuffed with top tunes, which is really what it’s all about and, as chief songwriter in Oasis, he’s bound to chuck in a few of his old band’s classics, too. Promising to be back with new material later this year, old Noel’s not resting on his laurels any time soon. North Greenwich

theo2.co.uk

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NEW BAND

FLUX PAVILLION GIG WED, FEB 22. 8PM £10

Tipped as one to watch in 2012 by us – and loads of other equally smart-minded folk too, – Flux Pavillion (aka Josh Steele) plays his first gig of the year, previewing material from his forthcoming album, as well as tried-and-tested crowd-smashers like Bass Cannon, Voscillate and I Can’t Stop.

Photos: Richard Andrews, Sandra Mews

XOYO 32-37 Cowper St, EC2A 4AP Liverpol Street xoyo.co.uk

BUGGED OUT PRESENTS JACKMASTER

ULTIMATE POWER

CLUB

FRI, FEB 24. 9.30PM-5AM £12.50

FRI, FEB 24. 9PM-3AM £10

Jackmaster – aka Jack Revill to his mates, and most likely his mum, too – toplines this night in north London’s XOYO. You can expect him to bring his genre-mashing, energy-boosting, crowd-storming set to town. Support comes from the equally destined-to-impress Ben UFO, and Oneman.

The current Eighties revivalist love for all things synth still doesn’t make that decade’s glamrock, big hair and power ballads cool – they weren’t that cool, even back then. But they are undeniably fun and take over Camden’s Electric Ballroom (moved from Scala) for a night of retro-balladeering.

XOYO 32-37 Cowper Street, EC2A 4AP Liverpool Street buggedout.net

Electric Ballroom 184 Camden High St, NW1 8QP Camden Town electric-ballroom.co.uk

PUBLIC SERVICE BROADCASTING THE BUZZ SO FAR On paper, this willfully eccentric collection of instruments and influences shouldn’t work – public service broadcasting samples from the Forties and Fifties set to banjo, drums, synth layers, and an assortment of odds and sods thrown in for good measure. What makes it succeed is an infectious exuberance; a catchy, driving vocallead; and big heart to boot. More than that, it’s really good fun. Like Avalanches and Errors fused with a huge hug. THE CRITICS SAY “Absolutely, sensationally brilliant.” Tom Robinson, 6Music THE PLUG Debut single ROYGBIV is out on March 4 through Test Card Recordings.

KAISER CHIEFS

SUBDUB LONDON

THE JEZABELS + DRY THE RIVER

GIG

CLUB

GIG

THURS, FEB 23. 7.30PM £26.50

FRI, FEB 24. 10PM-6PM £15

WED, FEB 22. 7PM £10.60

They were the next big thing with 2005’s Employment. Then, they were the biggest thing with Ruby and second album Yours Truly, Angry Mob, earning plaudits as Britpop’s true heirs. However, albums three and four didn’t reach these lofty heights. They’re still a formidable live act, and I Predict A Riot is class.

A miss-at-your-peril night. Leeds’s SubDub hit the capital with their all-inclusive music policy, spanning the old-guard and avant-garde in all things bass-related, with Iration Steppa’s Sound System (above) headlining room one. With Top Cat, Coki and John Convex also on the bill, this one will rock your bones.

This Aussie quartet have their debut album, Prisoner, waiting in the wings, their catchy, hookladen indie-rock sure to form the cornerstone of this NME-awards show. BBC Sound of 2012 nominees Dry The River bring their sorrowfulyet-consoling indie-folk to town as support, alongside Kai Fish and Hey Sholay.

Hammersmith Apollo 45 Queen Caroline St, W6 9QH Hammersmith hammersmithapollo.net

Cable 33a Bermondsey St Tunnel, SE1 3JW London Bridge cable-london.com

KOKO 1a Camden High St, NW1 7JE Mornington Crescent koko.uk.com

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CLUBLISTINGS

MONDAY 20 Cuban Hideaway DJ Rich plays Latin, house, funk and R‘n’B. The Hideaway, Stanthorpe Rd, SW16 2ED (020 8835 7070). 9.40pm-late. £7.

Roller Disco Funk and disco for a wheeled audience. Renaissance Rooms, opposite Arch 8, Arches, Miles St, SW8 1RZ (0844 736 5375). 8pm-midnight. £10 inc skates, £7.50 w/own skates, NUS £6 inc skates.

BOOK NOW!

Vibe DJs on rotation including Anas, Spider, Prezedent, Ice, Commander B, Pioneer and DJ L spin hip-hop, R‘n’B, bashment and reggae. Moonlighting, Greek St, W1D 4DR (020 7437 5782/ cc 020 7287 3727). 10pm-3am. £7, ladies/w/flyer before midnight £5, free before 11.30pm.

Hard Core Salsa DJ Mario plays mambo and salsa, plus dance lessons. Salsa!, Charing Cross Rd, WC2H 0JG (020 7379 3277). 7pm-late. £4, free before 9pm. I Love Mondays DJ Victor spins commercial dance, disco, R‘n’B and funky house. Moonlighting, Greek St, W1D 4DR (020 7437 5782/ cc 020 7287 3727). 10pm-3.30am. £5, w/flyer £3, NUS £1.50. Monday Midnight Mass Nicos and Shane spin indie and rock. 12 Bar Club, Denmark Place, WC2H 8NL (020 7240 2622). 11pm-3am. £3. Popcorn Jonesey, Harvey Adam, Jamie Hammond and Terry T-Rex provide dance, electro, R‘n’B, pop and hip-hop. Heaven, Charing Cross Arches, Villiers St, WC2N 6NG (020 7930 2020). 11pm-5.30am. £8. Rehab DJs Val, Satoko, Zoe Demonettes, Joe, Saral and Hale supply indie, electro and pop. The Roxy, Rathbone Place, W1T 1HJ (020 7255 1098). 10pm-3am. £5, NUS/ w/flyer £3, mems £1 before 10.30pm. Salsa Cellar Resident DJs play Latin, funk and reggae. Downstairs At The King’s Head, Crouch End Hill, N8 8AA (020 8340 1028). 9pm-late. £7, concs £4. Service Industry Night DJ Colin Russell and Donald Sweeneey spin R‘n’B and chart. Rumba, Shaftesbury Ave, W1D 7EP (020 7287 2715). 9pm-3am. £10, free before 11pm.

TUESDAY 21 Big Cheese Magazine Presents Punk Vs Grunge DJ Beanie and Big Cheese DJs spin punk, metal and rock, plus live performances from Arrows of Love and Electric River. The Garage, Highbury Corner, N5 1RD (0870 060 3777/ cc 0844 847 1678). 7pm-late. £5. Forca Brasil DJ Fred spins salsa, samba and Latin tunes, plus live bands. Salsa!, Charing Cross Rd, WC2H 0JG (020 7379 3277). 6pm-2am. £4, free before 9pm. Jamm Sandwich Eddie Pillar, Arthur Baker and Lascelle Gordon spin pop, hip-hop, R‘n’B and dance hits. The Purple Turtle, Crowndale Rd, NW1 1TN (020 7383 4976). 6.30pm-late. £5, £3 guestlist. OMFG! DJs Lady Lloyd, Joshyou Are and Niyi Maximus Crown play pop, disco and electro, with host Queen B Munroe Bergdorf. The Shadow Lounge, Brewer St, W1F 0RF (020 7287 7988). 10pm-3am. £5, free before 11pm.

FRIDAY 24 A STATE OF TRANCE 550 Ministry of Sound. Thurs, Mar 1. £35+ Armin van Buuren, among the world’s biggest DJs, brings his pop-tastic trance to one of London’s top clubs for the launch his latest tour. SE1 6DP

Elephant & Castle

WEDNESDAY 22 Bubble Club Resident DJs spin house, R‘n’B and pop. 93 Feet East, Brick Ln, E1 6RU (020 7770 6006). 7.30pm-11pm. £5. Cheapskates Old school hiphop, electro and disco courtesy of DJ Downfall. Moonlighting, Greek St, W1D 4DR (020 7437 5782/ cc 020 7287 3727). 9pm-3.30am. £6.50, NUS £5.50, w/flyer £4.50. Choke Resident DJs play hiphop, drum ‘n’ bass, electro, indie and grime. The Roxy, Rathbone Place, W1T 1HJ (020 7255 1098). 10pm-3am. £5, NUS £4, guestlist £3. Dance Nights Princess Karina and DJ Gary Baldi spin dance hits. EC3 Live, Crosswall, EC3N 2JY (020 7488 1766). 11.30pm-3am. £10. Fat Poppa Daddys Resident DJs spin hip-hop, funk, electro, house, indie and reggae. One, Leicester Sq, WC2H 7NA (020 7437 0453). 11pm-2am. £5, free before midnight. Madd Raff Wednesdays The Heatwave supply bashment and dancehall, plus a dance session with dancehall instructor Safwaan Shoshoni of Pineapple Studios. The Social, Little Portland St, W1W 7JD (020 7636 4992). 7pm-1am. £5, £3 before 10pm. Metrolatina Resident DJs mix jazzy salsa with Cuban sounds. Salsa!, Charing Cross Rd, WC2H 0JG (020 7379 3277). 6pm-2am. £4, free before 9pm. N*A*S*I*N SoniX, Brahim and Punk Gareth play punk, rock, metal and ska. The Borderline, Orange Yard, Manette St, W1D 4JB (0870 060 3777/ cc 0871 231 0842). 11pm-3am. £5, w/flyer £4, NUS £3, mems £2.

ministryofsound.com

THURSDAY 23 Bad Sex Daytona Lights, Rev78, Oli Wennink and Trophys spin electro and indie. Proud Camden, The Horse Hospital, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AH (020 7482 3867). 7.30pm-2.30am. £5, NUS £3. Church X Tempo Clash DJs Eprom, Blue Daisy, OM Unit, Kidkanevil and Offshore spin electronica and psychedelic beats. Corsica Studios, Elephant Rd, SE17 1LB (020 7703 4760). 10pm-5am. £5. Fuel Thursdays DJ Melody Kane spins house, funk, soul and urban beats. One, Leicester Sq, WC2H 7NA (020 7437 0453). 10pm-2am. £10, adv £5. Funk Fiesta Night! DJs Limao and Moishe spin Latin, soul and house, plus a live performance from Fernanda Porto featuring Christianne Neves. Guanabara, Parker St, WC2B 5PW (020 7242 8600). 5pm-late. £5, free before 9pm. Latin Krazy DJs spin salsa, merengue and reggaeton, plus salsa dance lessons. Salsa!, Charing Cross Rd, WC2H 0JG (020 7379 3277). 6pm-2am. £4, free before 9pm. Macho City Resident DJs spin disco, pop and retro. Joiners Arms, Hackney Rd, E2 7QL (020 7739 9397). 10pm-3am. £3, free before 11.30pm. New Horizons: Mixmag Live Richie Hawtin, Hobo and residents spin techno and electro, plus Matador performs live. Village Underground, Holywell Ln, EC2A 3PQ (020 7422 7505). 8pm-4am. £19. Old Skool Thursdays Resident DJs supply R‘n’B, dancehall, funky, soca and old skool. Euphoriom, High St, W3 6NG (020 8993 2915). 10pm-late. £5, free before 11pm.

Panic Max Panic, Gaz Panic and That Perfect Fumble spin indie, electro and pop. The Roxy, Rathbone Place, W1T 1HJ (020 7255 1098). 10pm-3am. £5, NUS £3.

Trannyshack Miss Dusty O, Tasty Tim and Lady Lloyd spin commercial dance and pop. Madame Jojo’s, Brewer St, W1F 0SE (020 7734 3040). 10pm-3am. £5, w/flyer £3, free before midnight.

QueerlyOut DJ Robby D spins commercial dance, pop and R‘n’B. Escape Bar, Brewer St, W1F 0SU (020 7734 3040). 9pm-3am. £5, £3, free before 9pm.

White Heat DJs Matty, Olly and Marcus provide electro, techno and indie. Madame Jojo’s, Brewer St, W1F 0SE (020 7734 3040). 10.30pm-3am. £5.

The Wombats Official After Party The Liverpool-based band play an indie-rock DJ set. Jamm, Brixton Rd, SW9 6LH (020 7346 8920/ cc 020 7274 5537). 8pm-3am. £10.

Radio The Radio DJs play 1980s pop, indie and disco. The Roxy, Rathbone Place, W1T 1HJ (020 7255 1098). 10pm-3am. £5, NUS/w/flyer £3, free before 10pm.

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Bedrock DJs Little Chris and George spin indie, electro, rock, retro and pop. The Borderline, Orange Yard, Manette St, W1D 4JB (0870 060 3777/ cc 0871 231 0842). 11pm-4am. £7, w/flyer £5 before midnight. Calentito Pop, R‘n’B, and soul. Salvador And Amanda, Great Newport St, WC2H 7JA (020 7240 1551). 9pm-3am. £10, free before 9pm, guestlist £5. Dance Rocks House, R‘n’B, chart, indie and 1980s and 1990s hits. The Watershed, The Broadway, SW19 1SD (020 8540 0080). 11pm3am. £8, £5 before midnight. Fabriclive DJ Hype (DJ set), Pascal, Hazard, Original Sin, Randall, Taxman, Sub Zero, Hatcha and Razor Rector spin electro, techno and house. Fabric, Charterhouse St, EC1M 6HJ (020 7336 8898). 10pm6am. £17, adv £21 inc CD, adv £16, NUS £10 before midnight, £7 after 3am. Funkin Good Fridays DJs Steve Butcha, Fernando Bros and Lee Chandler spin house and techno, with Daniele Camarda on keyboards, and Tom Bergin on percussion. Gigalum, Cavendish Parade, Clapham Common South Side, SW4 9DW (020 8772 0303). 7pm-late. Free. Joyriders The resident DJs spin pop, electro and disco. The Roxy, Rathbone Place, W1T 1HJ (020 7255 1098). 8.30pm-3.30am. £7, £5 before 10.30pm, NUS/w/flyer £5, NUS/w/flyer £3 before 10.30pm. One Kiss DJs Krisis and Melody Kane spin house, mash-ups, electro, dance anthems, R‘n’B and commercial dance. One, Leicester Sq, WC2H 7NA (020 7437 0453). 10pm-3am. £10, £5 before 11pm, ladies free before 11.30pm. Over The Moon Commander B, Jolly Roger, Ice, Spider, PnP and Prezident spin hip-hop, R‘n’B, reggae and funky house. Moonlighting, Greek St, W1D 4DR (020 7437 5782/cc 020 7287 3727). 10pm-5am. £12, w/flyer £5, w/flyer free before 12.30am. Spangulation DJs Pathfinder, Marc Antoine, Pandora S-K, Oberon and Judy spin trance, house and techno. Club 414, Coldharbour Ln, SW9 8LF (020 7924 9322). 11pm-7am. £10, guestlist £8. Therapy Electro-pop and dance from DJs Miswhite, Minx, Paul Heron and Sonathaq. The Shadow Lounge, Brewer St, W1F 0RF (020 7287 7988). 10pm-5am. £10, free before 11pm.

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SATURDAY 25 Dubkuts DJ Die, Marco Del Horno, Jay Diamond, Michael Jay and Premz spin dubstep, grime and garage, plus MC Inja and live performances from Merky Ace, Document One and Millions Like Us. IndigO2, Peninsula Sq, SE10 0DX (0871 220 0260). 10pm-late. £15. Echo London Meets Indulgence Asher D & Neutrino, Fonti & Bushkin, Crazy Cousinz, Marcus Nasty, Mike “Ruff Cutt” Lloyd and Stamina spin old-skool house, jungle and hip-hop. The House And Terrace, Boord St, SE10 0PF (020 8293 6669). 10pm-6am. £15, adv £12.50. Fabric Craig Richards, Ricardo Villalobos, Sven Weismann, Terry Francis, Agoria, Maetrik and Tristan Da Cuhna spin house and techno. Fabric, Charterhouse St, EC1M 6HJ (020 7336 8898). 11pm11am. £22, adv £25 inc CD, NUS £15. Guilty Pleasures DJs Sean Rowley and Dan Hayes spin indie, pop and rock. Koko, Camden High St, NW1 7JE (0870 432 5527). 9pm-3am. £16, adv £13.50. Hed Kandi Carl Hanaghan and Stephanie Jay spin house and funk. Pacha, Terminus Place, SW1V 1JR (0845 371 4489). 11pm-6am. £20. Moh Teef Alex Picone, Robin Ordell, J Nelson, Pete Glasspool and Leroy Roberts spin techno, dub and house. Cable, Bermondsey St, SE1 2EG (020 7403 7730). 10pm-5am. £12, adv £10. Scandalism Present Ecstasy, Passion & Pain Mylo, Aeroplane and Brodinski spin electro and pop, plus Lindstrom perform live. The Scala, Pentonville Rd, N1 9NL (020 7833 2022/ cc 0844 477 1000). 9pm-5am. £15. Tempo Eterno Resident DJs spin house and techno. Gigalum, Cavendish Parade, Clapham Common South Side, SW4 9DW (020 8772 0303). 7pm-late. Free.

SUNDAY 26 Can’t Stop Won’t Stop Mark Radford, Maximus and Lee Edwards spin house and techno. Club Aquarium, Old St, EC1V 9DD (020 7251 6136). 11pm-6am. £15, £10 before midnight, ladies free before midnight. Horse Meat Disco Residents Jim Stanton, Luke Howard, James Hillard and Severino spin disco and house. Eagle, Kennington Ln, SE11 5QY (020 7793 0903). 8pm-3am. £8. Jaded DJ Raymundo Rodriguez plays techno and house. Cable, Bermondsey St, SE1 2EG (020 7403 7730). 5pm-1am. £12, concs £8. La Dolce Vita Justin Hayward, Garth Hill, DeNielson:Yorick, Twisted P, Scott Hill and Kirk Kane spin electro, techno and house. Gigalum, Cavendish Parade, Clapham Common South Side, SW4 9DW (020 8772 0303). 4pm-11pm. Free. Showtime DJ F-Sound spins house, electro, R‘n’B and dance anthems. One, Leicester Sq, WC2H 7NA (020 7437 0453). 10pm-3am. £10, adv £5, ladies free before 11.30pm.

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MONDAY 20 Active Child Los Angeles-based singer-musician and former choir boy Pat Grossi performs a classically-tinted blend of ethereal electronica and soaring indie-pop in support of his album You Are All I See. St-Giles-In-The-Fields, St Giles High St, WC2H 8LG (020 7240 2532/ cc 020 7403 3331). £9.50.

Pulled Apart By Horses, The Computers The Leeds-based four-piece plays alternative rock. Electric Ballroom, Camden High St, NW1 8QP (020 7485 9006). £10.

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Tyler Ward Pop-rock by the singer-songwriter from Denver. Dingwalls, Camden Lock, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AB (020 7428 0010/ cc 020 7428 5929). £17.50.

Beats & Pieces Big Band The Manchester-based outfit incorporates elements of funk, and retro-fusion into its big band sound. Ronnie Scott’s, Frith St, W1D 4HT (020 7439 0747). £15-£28.50. Boredom Hardcore punk band from Graz, Austria. The Windmill, Blenheim Gardens, SW2 5BZ (020 8671 0700). £5, £4 before 8pm. Nancy Kerr And James Fagan The fiddle and guitar duo play contemporary and traditional ` folk. The Green Note Cafe, Parkway, NW1 7AN (020 7485 9899). £12. Nathan Mercado Soul from the London-based singer-songwriter and pianist. The Pheasantry, Kings Rd, SW3 4UT (020 7351 5031). £10. NME Awards Shows 2012: The Big Pink Electro-rock by the Londonbased duo. The Garage, Highbury Corner, N5 1RD (0870 060 3777/ cc 0844 847 1678). £11.60. Pete Williams Band The singersongwriter and former Dexys Midnight Runners member leads his group in playing acoustica from his album See. The Lexington, Pentonville Rd, N1 9JB (020 7837 5371). £10.

TUESDAY 21 Michael Chapman, Eliza Shaddad The singer and guitarist plays folk-rock and blues. The Troubadour, Old Brompton Rd, SW5 9JA (020 7370 1434). £8. The Cookers Classic hard bop from the American six-piece, featuring trumpeter Eddie Henderson and saxophonist Billy Harper. Ronnie Scott’s, Frith St, W1D 4HT (020 7439 0747). £20-£40. Alexa Goddard Pop and R‘n’B by the Hampshire-born singer. The Borderline, Orange Yard, Manette St, W1D 4JB (0870 060 3777/ cc 0871 231 0842). £10. Glenn Jones Experimental music by the American guitarist, plus a talk on the history of the Takoma School of American music. Cafe Oto, Ashwin St, E8 3DL (020 7923 1231). £8. NME Awards Shows 2012: Kurt Vile & The Violators The Philadelphia-based singersongwriter and guitarist leads his rock outfit. Koko, Camden High St, NW1 7JE (0870 432 5527). £13.60. Octane OK, New Killer Shoes, Max Raptor, No Americana Alt rock and power-pop from the Birmingham-based four-piece. The Barfly, Camden, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AN (0844 847 2424). Adv £6. Satsuki Japanese rock from the singer-songwriter and former vocalist of Rentrer En Soi. The Underworld, Camden High St, NW1 0NE (020 7482 1932). £25.

FRIDAY 24 Elkie Brooks The Manchester-born pop and blues vocalist performs songs from her 50-year career. Cadogan Hall, Sloane Terrace, SW1X 9DQ (020 7730 4500). £26 & £28.50.

SPIRITUALIZED Hackney Empire. Mon, Mar 19. £22.50 After his autumn show at the Royal Albert Hall, and with new album Sweet Heart Sweet Light due in April, J Spaceman takes to the Hackney stage. E8 1EJ

Hackney Central

WEDNESDAY 22 Body/Head, Dylan Nyoukis A collaboration between Kim Gordon, bassist with Sonic Youth and guitarist Bill Nace. Cafe Oto, Ashwin St, E8 3DL (020 7923 1231). £12, adv £10. Dodgy The outfit from the 1990s returns to play indie power-pop from its album Stand Upright In A Cool Place. Bush Hall, Uxbridge Rd, W12 7LJ (020 8222 6955). £16.50. Kris Drever Contemporary folk by the Orkney-born singersongwriter. The Slaughtered Lamb, Great Sutton St, EC1V 0DX (020 7253 1516). £13.50, adv £9.50. Flux Pavilion Dance and electronica by the London-based DJ and producer. XOYO, Cowper St, EC2A 4AP (020 7729 5959). £10. Sarah Gillespie The singer and guitarist blends urban folk and Middle Eastern blues. Boisdales Of Canary Wharf, Cabot Hall, E14 4QT (020 7715 5818). £5-£15. Adam Glasser Mainstream jazz from the London-based South African harmonica player and fellow musicians. Bull’s Head, Lonsdale Rd, Barnes, SW13 9PY (020 8876 5241). £10. Benjamin Francis Leftwich Folkpop from the York-based singersongwriter. O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8TT (020 8354 3300/cc 0844 477 2000). £14. Tony McAlpine Virtuoso rock guitarist and keyboard player from Springfield, Massachusetts. The Underworld, Camden High St, NW1 0NE (020 7482 1932). £16.50. NME Awards Shows 2012: The Jezabels The Sydney-based four-piece plays soaring indierock. Koko, Camden High St, NW1 7JE (0870 432 5527). £10.60. Mica Paris R‘n’B and soul from the London-based singer-songwriter. Leicester Square Theatre, Leicester Place, WC2H 7BX (0844 873 3433). £20. Jordan Reyne New Zealandbased alt folk vocalist. Dublin Castle, Parkway, NW1 7AN (020 8806 2668). £6, concs £4.50.

atpfestival.com The Wombats The Liverpudlian outfit plays indie-pop. O2 Academy Brixton, Stockwell Rd, SW9 9SL (0844 477 2000). £18.50.

THURSDAY 23 The Deptford Rivieras Film, soul and lounge music by the sax-led combo. Boisdales Of Canary Wharf, Cabot Hall, E14 4QT (020 7715 5818). £7.50-£20. First Aid Kit Folk-pop by the Stockholm-based duo. The Scala, Pentonville Rd, N1 9NL (020 7833 2022/ cc 0844 477 1000). £12. The Leo Green Experience Party band fronted by saxophonist Green. Floridita, Wardour St, W1F 0TN (020 7314 4042). £10-£30. Ben Howard The singer and musician plays folk-tinted acoustica. O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8TT (020 8354 3300/ cc 0844 477 2000). £14. Kaiser Chiefs The Leedsbased five-piece performs its playful indie-rock hits. HMV Apollo, Queen Caroline St, W6 9QH (0843 221 0100). £26.50. Klezmer Festival Band Clarinettist Gregori Schechter leads his klezmer ensemble. Artsdepot, Nether St, Tally Ho Corner, N12 0GA (020 8369 5454). £16, concs £14. Kylesa, Circle Takes The Square, Ken Mode The American outfit plays sludge metal, psych and stoner rock. O2 Academy Islington, Parkfield St, N1 0PS (020 7288 4400/ cc 0844 477 2000). £11.

Eddie & The Hot Rods Rock five-piece from Essex. Half Moon, Putney, Lower Richmond Rd, SW15 1EU (020 8780 9383). £10. Field Music, Stealing Sheep The Sunderland-based band plays psych indie-rock. King’s College London Students’ Union, Macadam Building, Surrey St, WC2R 2NS (020 7848 1588). £10. Jo Harman And Company The outfit fuses soul, blues and roots rock. The Hideaway, Stanthorpe Rd, SW16 2ED (020 8835 7070). £12. The Kleeks The London-based band plays blues and R‘n’B with a retro feel. The Troubadour, Old Brompton Rd, SW5 9JA (020 7370 1434). £8, £7 before 10pm.

SATURDAY 25 Anti Nowhere League The veteran punk quartet plays old and new material. The Underworld, Camden High St, NW1 0NE (020 7482 1932). £12. Empire State R‘n’B and soul outfit. Dover St Restaurant And Bar, Dover St, W1S 4LQ (020 7629 9813). £15, diners free before 10pm. Robert Habermann The vocalist performs classics from The Great American Songbook. Millfield Arts Centre, Silver St, N18 1PJ (020 8807 6680). £13, concs £11. Beth Hart Soulful rock from the American singer-songwriter. O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8TT (020 8354 3300/ cc 0844 477 2000). £17.50. Iron Butterfly The American outfit plays psychedelic rock. O2 Academy Islington, Parkfield St, N1 0PS (020 7288 4400/ cc 0844 477 2000). £20. The Longcut, Wild Palms The Manchester-based three-piece performs experimental rock. University Of London Union, Malet St, WC1E 7HY (0870 060 3777). £14. Shelby Lynne Country by the Quantico-born singer-songwriter. Union Chapel, Compton Terrace, N1 2UN (020 7226 1686). £18.50. Mundy Pop-rock from the singersongwriter. Bush Hall, Uxbridge Rd, W12 7LJ (020 8222 6955). £13.50.

Lights Electro-pop from the Toronto-based singersongwriter. The Scala, Pentonville Rd, N1 9NL (020 7833 2022/ cc 0844 477 1000). £10.

Nightvision Hard rock from the Lincolnshire-based fourpiece. Fiddler’s Elbow, Malden Rd, NW5 3HS (020 7485 3269). £6.

NME Awards Shows 2012: Little Dragon The Swedish four-piece plays electro-pop. HMV Forum, Highgate Rd, NW5 1JY (020 7344 0044). £17.10.

NME Awards Tour: Two Door Cinema Club The Bangorbased three-piece plays electro-tinged indie-pop. O2 Academy Brixton, Stockwell Rd, SW9 9SL (0844 477 2000). £20.60.

Origin Technical death metal band from Topeka, Kansas. The Underworld, Camden High St, NW1 0NE (020 7482 1932). £16.50. Rammstein, Deathstars Dramatic industrial metal from the Berlinbased outfit, known for theatrical live shows that have previously incorporated pyrotechnics and band members surfing the crowd in an inflatable dingy. The O2 Arena, Peninsula Sq, SE10 0DX (0844 856 0202). £42.50. Rodrigo Y Gabriela The Mexican guitar duo performs rock and world-influenced acoustica with their backing group C.U.B.A. O2 Academy Brixton, Stockwell Rd, SW9 9SL (0844 477 2000). £25. S.C.U.M. Psychedelic postpunk and indie-rock from the London-based five-piece. Bush Hall, Uxbridge Rd, W12 7LJ (020 8222 6955). £10.60.

NME Awards Shows 2012: Oh Land Leftfield electro-pop by the Danish-born singersongwriter now based in New York. Heaven, Charing Cross Arches, Villiers St, WC2N 6NG (020 7930 2020). £10.50.

Dave Swarbrick Folk from the veteran singer-songwriter. DHFC, Edgar Kail Way, SE22 8BD (07985 357958). £10, concs £8, adv £11, concs £7.

Payback The nine-piece plays soul and funk. Dover St Restaurant And Bar, Dover St, W1S 4LQ (020 7629 9813). £12, free before 10pm.

We Are Embassy, Auction For The Promise Club, Suzerain Indie-rock by the Essex-based band. 100 Club, Oxford St, W1D 1LL (020 7636 0933). £10, adv £8.

Don Omar Reggaeton from the Puerto Rican singer and rapper. The Coronet, New Kent Rd, SE1 6TJ (020 7701 1500). £40. Brendan Rogers Contemporary folk by the London-based singersongwriter. The Borderline, Orange Yard, Manette St, W1D 4JB (0870 060 3777/cc 0871 231 0842). £8. Miryam Solomon World music by the Eritrean singer. Rich Mix, Bethnal Green Rd, E1 6LA (020 7613 7498). £12, adv £10, NUS/concs £5.

SUNDAY 26 Decapitated Death metal from the Polish four-piece. Dingwalls, Camden Lock, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AB (020 7428 0010/ cc 020 7428 5929). £16. Infected Mushroom The Los Angeles-based outfit plays psychedelic trance. Electric Brixton, Town Hall Parade, Brixton Hill, SW2 1RJ (020 7274 2290). £22.50. Speedometer The outfit plays funk. Ronnie Scott’s, Frith St, W1D 4HT (020 7439 0747). £18-£32.50. Michel Telo Pop and country by the Brazilian singer-songwriter. HMV Forum, Highgate Rd, NW5 1JY (020 7344 0044). £30-£35.

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HOW TO ENTER

Go to tntmagazine.com/competitions. See webpage for terms and conditions. Winners will be selected at random.

CALLING ALL TRAVEL BLOGGERS! WIN A ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME SOUTH AFRICAN EXPERIENCE http://my.tntmagazine.com/blogs/ create. Log in to MyTNT and select the ‘Travel Show 2012 Blogging Competition’ category. In no more than 400 words, tell us about your best adventure, an interesting tour, a top moment or anything else that you feel really brings a destination to life. Your entry should be lively, upbeat and relevant to our fun-loving, up-forit readers. The winning blog will be selected by a TNT panel and the winner announced at the TNT Travel Show at Earl’s Court on March 3. Get writing today! To view full prize package see tntmagazine.com/competitions

to register for free entry, visit tnttravelshow.com

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Photos: South African Tourism, TNT

Are you a budding travel blogger? Fancy touring around South Africa and blogging about it as you go? The South Africa Youth Travel Confederation is offering one lucky reader the chance to do just that with this fantastic competition. As a keen travel blogger, you’ll be writing entries every step of the way for tntmagazine.com, creating a once-in-a-lifetime diary of adventure and excitement. You’ll tour from Cape Town to Johannesburg, going shark diving, kitesurfing, surfing, on-safari, volunteering, as well as meeting other travellers along the way in a range of top-class accommodation. Entering competition is easy: simply write or post a travel blog to

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CHATROOM

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Charlie Brooker On not pissing himself on live TV, pitching pig-fucking to Channel 4 and his recent visit to Australia’s southern coast INTERVIEW ALASDAIR MORTON

You’re in the middle of the new series of Ten O’Clock Live, how’s it going? Good. Because I do the desk item on the show, we start looking at that the day before, working out what it is and what exactly we are going to do. [The week of this interview Brooker’s desk item was a long poem/ diatribe against The Sun, recounting the various people and groups of people who have been subject to witch-hunts by the tabloid – ‘social workers, women in burkas, left wingers, suburban swingers …’ – in reaction to the paper’s claims its journalists have been subject to a witchunt themselves].

Trendy haircut? Charlie Brooker

After the initial Alternative Election Night, you wrote a column in G2 about the terror of live TV ... Oh yes, I said I did a piss and everything. Are you more used to it now? Yes, there are no bowel movements anymore, I am much more used to it, but it’s still nervewracking. You wouldn’t be human if it wasn’t. I guess if you have been doing it as long as Huw Edwards, then you don’t get scared. ‘Exhilarating’ is probably the word for it, but I am trying to convince myself as I say that. How did you pitch some of the more controversial elements from Black Mirror, such as the National Anthem episode’s pig-fucking storyline? Oddly, the series had been commissioned before that episode was written. It replaced another episode, written with my wife [former Blue Peter presenter Konnie Huq] that made National Anthem look like a broad, knockabout farce. It was an idea I liked, but it was pretty harrowing and C4 thought it didn’t fit in with the rest of the series. There was a moment, though, where I had to say to the head of C4, ‘Right, I have got this idea. There is an episode in which this happens …’ She wasn’t entirely convinced at the start. Did you watch much X Factor-type telly for the 15 Million Merits episode? There was surprisingly little research for any of the episodes. We just drew on everything around us. One of the trickiest things on that episode was working out how much everything was worth in that economic system, making sure that

all the numbers added up, which they do – apart from in one point, if anyone can work out where that is. I didn’t think anyone would notice, but we actually had to work out how long you would have to pedal for to earn the merits to live. What can you tell us about next month’s The Guardian ‘open weekend’ Charlie Brooker live event? I’m there to jabber to people who turn up, other than that I don’t know. I hope they aren’t going to throw me a mic and ask me to do some Bon Jovi numbers. I doubt that will happen, but you never know. It’s a bit like Guardian Glastonbury. You‘ve just been to the southern coast of Australia. What’s it like humour-wise? They are quite similar to the British – although The Goodies is still incredibly popular there. The Aussies probably grumble less, too. Is this the start of a new career as a travel writer? No, The Guardian just said, ‘Do you want to go to Australia?’ and I said ‘yes’. I figured it would be interesting and it was. Although I was relieved that no sharks turned up because they were expecting them [while great white shark cage diving]. When we went in the cage the guy said ‘don’t put your arms out of it,’ not because they will bite it off but they are so huge, they weigh

several tonnes, that they might just snap them off, without even noticing. You have said everyone in the media hates themselves – do you? If you are doing anything funny, you can come across as a bit aloof and smug, so I think it is good to have a slightly lower opinion of yourself. You started out trashing TV and now you work in it. Does that change your point of view? Yes, in some ways. I don’t write that column anymore [The Guardian’s Screen Burn] not because your views change, but because if I have a drama series on C4 and write about how terrible a drama series is on C5, that is different to someone who is just writing about it. It starts to look like bullying or crowing, and like I had a platform to knock the competition. Have you forgiven Russell Brand for making fun of your haircut? Yes. He said I had a trendy haircut and a famous wife, which was a bit rich coming from him. Charlie Brooker’s Black Mirror is out on DVD on February 27, through Channel Four DVD

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LONDONSCENE

AN EVENING WITH

DAVID SEDARIS

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To serve, protect and date rape: Harrelson as LAPD cop Dave Brown

NY Times Bestselling Author

FRIDAY 28 & SATURDAY 29 SEPTEMBER

LONDON CADOGAN HALL 020 7730 4500 KILILIVE.COM 0844 871 880 CADOGANHALL.COM

A KILIMANJARO PRESENTATION

RAMPART FILM review by Jahn Vannisselroy STARRING: Woody Harrelson, Ben Foster, Sigourney Weaver | 15 | 108mins

SAFE HOUSE FILM STARRING: Denzel Washington, Ryan Reynolds | TBC | 117mins

Denzel Washington stars as a CIA agent turned international crime boss forced to hide out in Ryan Reynolds’ safe house to avoid the hitmen who want to shoot holes through his treacherous double-crossing body. It’s the Hollywood debut from Swedish filmmaker Daniel Espinosa, so he’ll be looking to make a name for himself with this action-thriller flick. On general release from Friday

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Harrelson puts in a fine performance as he dominates this noir cop drama, set in 1999 Los Angeles. He’s compelling as ‘Date Rape’ Dave Brown, a cop who walks to the beat of his own drum, but a lack of character growth or a real resolution to the film mean Rampart ends up an unsatisfying study of a sad individual, unable to admit to the downward spiral he alone has created. Rampart Precinct cop and Vietnam veteran Brown sees himself as doing “the people’s dirty work”, continually blurring the lines between right and wrong to maintain his preferred action-hero state of mind on the streets of LA. His world view is drenched in arrogance, sexism, homophobia, racism, misanthropy and aggression, but he’s at times likeable and suprisingly articulate. In the aftermath of being caught on tape beating a suspect, Brown has the chance to evaluate himself, but instead dons a blanket of self-denial and blame. As the convenient world he has built (completed by living with two ex-wives who are sisters) crumbles, Brown continues digging a deeper hole, ignoring several more chances to grow even slightly. It’s this continued inability to progress that leaves the viewer wondering, “What’s the point of all this?” Despite a quality supporting cast featuring Anne Heche, Ice Cube and Steve Buscemi, Rampart’s frustrating, never-ending cynicism leaves the viewer emotionally cold, but it’s still worth a watch for Harrelson’s performance – perhaps his best big screen role yet. GOOD FOR: Fans of Training Day and Bad Lieutenant - Port Of Call: New Orleans

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GIVE US A

OMID DJALILI: TOUR OF DUTY

GIGGLE!

COMEDY

He’s been in Hollywood films The Mummy and Sex And The City 2, and even starred in his own BBC series, the imaginatively titled The Omid Djalili Show. Now the Iranian-born stand-up is back on the road for the first time in three years and returns to the London stage for this twonight stand at the Apollo.

Ha ha!

Hammersmith Apollo W6 9QH. Fri, Feb 24-Feb 25. £20 Hammersmith ticketmaster.co.uk

JEREMY DELLER: JOY IN PEOPLE

THE DEVIL AND MR PUNCH

EXHIBITION

THEATRE

This is the first major survey of Deller’s work. He famously won the Turner Prize in 2004 for The Battle Of Orgreave, a film that recreated the miners’ strike and conflicts with the police. This exhibition includes installations, films, posters, performance works and photographs from Deller’s provocative career.

It’s far from perfect – even the script admits so much – but Improbable’s celebration of the 350th anniversary of Punch proves an enjoyable melange of vaudeville and puppetry, song and mask. There’s a lack of coherence, and not everything works, but it’s inventive and there’s enough novelty to keep you entertained. LK

Hayward Gallery SE1 8XX. Until May 13. £10 Waterloo southbankcentre.co.uk

Barbican EC2Y 8DS. Until Feb 25. £16 Barbican barbican.org

JULIAN DEANE Will you be trying any new material at your show at the Tommyfield? It will all be new, to people who haven’t heard it. How do you deal with hecklers? I had a heckler last night. You know when you think of something really funny to say, but hours afterwards? That didn’t happen, I destroyed him. Have you ever heckled another comedian from the audience? For me, heckling other comics from the audience is a definite ‘no’. I always do it from behind the stage.

Photos: Johan Persson; Edward Moore

What got your into performing? I needed to do it for financial security, just until my telesales career took off.

ALL NEW PEOPLE

SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER

THEATRE

Zach Braff pens and stars in this mid-life crisis comedy drama as a thirtysomething Long Beach, New Jersey lad whose life has run into a great big dead end. However, it’s turned upside down by the arrival of three people – including Torchwood’s Eve Myles – which begins his emotional thaw.

There’s lots of uninhibited fun and games going on in the Hardcastle household, thanks to prankster Tony Lumpkin’s irresponsible interventions in Oliver Goldsmith’s sprightly 1773 satirical comedy. With a chorus of singing servants, Jamie Lloyd’s rambunctious revival adds a dash of 21st-century liberation, too. LK

Duke of York’s WC2N 4BG. Feb 22-Apr 28. £15-£49.50 Leicester Square ambassadortickets.com

Olivier at the National South Bank, SE1 9PX. Until Apr 21. £12-£45 Waterloo nationaltheatre.org.uk

How did your first gig go? It went very well. It was in my kitchen. What’s more important in a partner – looks or sense of humour? A girl has to have a good sense of humour, because when they’re laughing they’re not watching their drink. The Tommyfield, 185 Kennington Lane, Kennington

SE11 4EZ. Feb 23. £5

thetommyfield.com/comedy

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Clockwise: Ghost Rider – Spirit of Vengeance’s sequel mystery; Sandler’s record-breaking potential in Jack and Jill; Rosie Huntington-Whitely in Transformers – Dark Of The Moon; Conan the franchise destroyer; Razzie nominaiton king Eddie Murphy; the Razzie award itself in all its glory

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And the Razzie goes to ... The Oscars ceremony may be this weekend’s glamour event, but what about its cheekier, raspberry-flavoured cousin? WORDS ALASDAIR MORTON

This Sunday, the Oscars take over Hollywood for its glittering back-slapping show. Peeking out from just beyond the red carpet, though, are The Golden Raspberry Awards, or Razzies, a sister event that celebrates Tinseltown’s cinematic crimes and will announce its nominations on Oscar’s eve. Launched in 1980 by movie addict John Wilson, the Razzies have gone from strength to strength as a tongue-incheek night that mocks awards shows in general, as well as its star-studded cousin. “Fresh out of film school, I was working for a company that made movie trailers. I saw 253 films that year and when you see that many you realise the odds are stacked in favour of the crap,” Wilson says when we catch up with him amid last-minute plans for this year’s ceremony. Every year since, Wilson has dished out gongs for worst actor and actress, as well as introducing categories such as ‘worst screen couple’ and the Hollywood-primed ‘worst prequel, remake, rip-off or sequel’ prize. “The first awards were very silly, and they still are, but the opinions we express are valid,” he says. “We’ve never given an award to something no one other than us thought sucked.” This year, the Razzies will be announcing its nominees on the night when, for close to the last thirty years, it has handed out its raspberry-bejazzled gongs. The ‘awards’ themselves will be handed out, fittingly, on April Fools day. It’s been a bumper year for cine-trash and in keeping with the spirit of the Razzies, here’s our pick of the worst of the worst for the past 12 months.

To Be A Star was so porly received in the US that it is yet to receive a theatrical release anywhere else in the world. The Razz is strong with this one.

The biggest waste of money In addition to Transformers: Dark Of The Moon co-star Rosie Huntington-Whitely managing to look mechanical and inhuman in a film starring 30ft CG-created robots, this was an emblem of Hollywood’s empty excesses: big, dumb, misogynistic and emotionally bereft. Think of what could have been achieved had its £123m been spent elsewhere.

The Nic Cage award for being Nic Cage Cage proved his skill at being angry while driving or riding things fast in both Ghost Rider – Spirit Of Vengeance and in the imaginatively titled Drive Angry, both 3D-CG heavy, both personality-devoid. We expect more from an Oscar winner.

The upchuck inflictor The Human Centipede II is in the running for the simple fact that director Tom Six thought the world really needed another movie about people whose mouths are sewn to ››

Worst offender The no-longer-funny Sandler has his name as either a writer, actor, or actress in three possible worst picture contenders: Jack And Jill, Bucky Larson and Just Go With It. He’s in line to break Eddie Murphy’s Razzie record for the most nominations in any one year with the potential to get as many as 12 nods. In Jack And Jill, Sandler dons a wig to get laughs from the cock-in-a-frock premise. The only problem is no one but him sees the funny side. Just Go With It, co-starring Jennifer Aniston, prompted one UK critic to say the film was “so dispiritingly awful cinema staff should make audiences remove their ties and shoelaces.” And the Sandler-penned sex-comedy Bucky Larson: Born

Stinky: The Human Centipede II TNTMAGAZINE.COM

other people’s arseholes. It didn’t. But Six decided to make a wriggling, poo-eating, multi-limbed abomination anyway. It was shit, literally.

For the sex-scared and braindead Even though Kristen Stewart and K-Patz finally get it on in the latest of the neverending Twilight series – Breaking Dawn Part I, in case you had forgotten to care – this is still the most insipid, puzzlingly popular series of all time. Four films in and not enough story to fill one yet. That there’s a second Breaking Dawn looming does it no favours at all.

Conan: The Barbarian is the most horrible popcorn movie of the last 10 years – a feckless attempt to breathe life back into a franchise that cinematically died with the 1984 Arnie sequel. This pile of crap manages to make the Austrian Oak look like a thespian god by comparison.

Just fuck off already! Alvin And The Chipmunks: Chipwrecked. For nothing more than its squeaky-voiced attack on puns. Oh, and for the fact that someone thought that putting it in 3D would make this more acceptable. It didn’t. While most celebrities fail to share the joke of the Razzies – “it has been made clear over the years that Sylvester Stallone, who’s been nominated 30 times and won 10 times, doesn’t think we’re funny at all, though there was a time in his career where it seemed like he was daring us,” Wilson says – many in recent years have opted to collect their gongs in person, rather than scowling from the shadows. Halle Berry rocked up in 2004 to thank “Warner Bros for putting me in this piece of shit, godawful movie”, Catwoman. Sandra Bullock followed suit in 2009, collecting her worst actress gong for All About Steve, demonstrating the humility and humour that helped her pick up the best actress award for The Blind Side at the same year’s Oscars. It remains to be seen, though, whether front-runner Sandler has the sense of humour to collect, should he win, his Razzies in person. ❚

Photos: Getty

The worst-ever remake Why, why, why, did they make this?

And the Oscar goes to... Who deserves to win, and who most likely will win, the golden baldies at this year’s Academy Awards.

BEST FILM Who should win: The Artist. A silent, black-and-white film that has taken the world by storm – critically, if not commercially – this homage to Hollywood’s golden years deserves all its plaudits. Who will win: After cleaning up at the BAFTAs – director, film and actor – it’s The Artist all the way.

BEST DIRECTOR Who should win: Alexander Payne for The Descendants, a funny, well observed, George Clooney-starring and beautifully performed family drama. Who will win: With this much momentum, it’s hard not to see The Artist helmer Michel Hazanavicius scoring this one – his film celebrates those doing the voting after all.

BEST ACTOR Who should win: Gary Oldman for Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy, a subtle, nuanced and disarming performance that doesn’t resort to grandstanding acting showpieces to sell itself. Who will win: George Clooney as a workaholic father in The Descendants, displaying both emotion and well-timed humour in a powerful performance.

BEST ACTRESS Who should win: Meryl Streep for The Iron Lady, which balances finely-observed mimicry with behind-the-public-persona emotional truths, to great effect. Who will win: Streep’s as much a shoo-in for this as there has even been.

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY Who should win: Annie Mumolo and Kristen Wiig for Bridesmaids, funny, relatable and heart-warming. Who will win: Woody Allen, for ‘back-toform’ Midnight in Paris. Razzie fave Twilight 32

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Jean Dujardin in The Artist

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App of the Week Take Me Out Flirting iPhone/Android

The legendary TV dating show has joined the app world to unite singles with smartphones. Remember, “no likey, no lighty!” Free itv.com/takemeout

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MARKETWATCH BRIGHT YOUNG THINGS

If London Fashion Week has inspired you to hunt down the capital’s brightest talent, then look no further than Selfridges, where it’s your last week to buy the creations of 15 fledgling designers. Their work, in fashion, food, art and design, has been displayed in the department store’s windows during the past two months, providing a launchpad for the creatives’ careers. If you like what you see, you can part with your cash for their pieces at three pop-up shops inside. You can also shop online. Among the artworks are Pop Culture, a mini popcorn box; a dinner plate that marks out food poisoning; and a pencil set called Distance Measured. The fashion designers is Alex Noble, who has worked with Lady Gaga. This is a great opportunity to get your hands on some awesome one-off pieces. OPEN Daily, 9:30am-8pm, until February 29. style.selfridges com 400 Oxford Street, W1A 1AB Bond Street

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LIFESTYLEHEALTH CLASS OF THE WEEK

ZUMBA TONING Summer may seem far away in these wintry, rain-lashed days but it won’t be long before you’ll need to start thinking about that bikini beach bod. The problem is that exercise is never top of that ‘things I can do that are fun’ list. Well, not anymore. Reebok Club in Canary Wharf has taken the Latin-infused Zumba class and given it a body-sculpting makeover to benefit mind, body and soul with their newly launched Zumba Toning class. Injecting weighted sticks into the proceedings makes Zumba toning an all-round body hit that’s tough to beat. Increased rhythm is just one of the benefits of this class, which targets key zones including arms, abs and thighs. Not only is this workout good for toning, it’s perfect for losing weight through its intense cardio workout, great for natural wellbeing and boosts endorphin release. On top of this, it throws all of these benefits together into a fun, Latin-infused dance package. Win. If the draw of the January gym is leaving you cold, look no further. Zumba Toning is available Thursdays from 7.35pm.

Budget beauty At £10 or less, these treatments for guys and girls won’t leave you short on beer money WORDS CLARE VOOGHT

London is expensive – tell us something new – but if you know where to look, being skint doesn’t mean you can’t indulge in a little pampering. We’ve found the capital’s salon gems that let you get your favourite beauty and grooming treatments for less than a round of drinks.

Massage and manicure, So Organic, Greenwich Head south-east for beauty salon So Organic’s pamper party on March 8, where you can score taster treatments for a fiver between 2pm-8pm. Choose between a holistic massage or a mini-manicure; the latter uses Orly polish and organic products from Pinks Boutique. There will also be free sessions with reflexology and reiki therapists, plus you can learn how to de-stress quickly in superbusy London. Booking by phone is essential 22 Nelson Road, SE10 8EY; 020 8305 5357. soorganicgreenwich.com Cutty Sark

Men’s cut and blow dry, Casablanca Spa, Marylebone A £10 haircut and blow dry in a central London salon. Unbelievable, right? That’s what we thought, until we discovered Casablanca Spa, which offers guys the service for a tidy tenner. Now there are no excuses for scraggly fringes and overgrown sideburns. 147 Seymour Place, W1H 4PB; 020 7724 0222 casaspa.co.uk Edgeware road

Eyebrow threading, Sheer Bliss, Dalston Slug-sized brows aren’t sexy, so if you can only stretch to one treatment, make it an eyebrow shape. And don’t let appearances fool you – this humble, family-run salon in Dalston is a gem for affordable waxing and threading. Eyebrow threading costs just £7, so you can look super-neat without splurging too much cash. 2-4 Kingsland Road, E8 2JP 020 7254 5605. Dalston Kingsland

E14 5ER reebokclub.co.uk Canary Wharf

Sort out your slug brows on the cheap 36

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Not for the ticklish

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LOOKING STYLISH

Lavera Half-price when you hand in an old one this month £5.45 lavera.co.uk

Nail Rock fanny nail wraps For obscene fingernails £8.00 topshop.com

Get fancy fingers for next to nothing at LCBT’s nail bar Nail treatments for men and women, London College of Beauty Therapy If you’re not precious about letting a (supervised) student give your hands a once-over, then head to this beauty training school. Girls and guys up for a preening can book in for dirt-cheap manicures – £5 for 30 minutes and £10 for 45 minutes. And nail art costs £4 for a full set. If you spend £10 on treatments before the end of February, you also get a free eye treatment. Appointments can be booked online and therapists are trained in the latest beauty techniques. Now that’s what we call a sweet beauty deal. Photos: London College of Beauty Therapy, Thinkstock

47 Great Marlborough Street, W1F 7JP. lcbt.co.uk Oxford Circus

Ten-minute top-ups, Cucumba, Soho No one has all the time in the world. That’s why Cucumba, Soho’s self-proclaimed “urban pit stop”, runs by the minute. If you’re in need of some speedy ‘me’ time on the cheap, opt for a 10-minute top-up treatment. For less than £10 you can get mini -facials, eyebrow shapes, facial waxing, minimanicures and pedicures. If you’re feeling really decadent, splurge another £3.50 for added nail art or an extra five minutes. See, you can indulge when you’re busy and skint. 12 Poland Street, W1F 8QB. cucumba.co.uk Oxford Circus

NEXT WEEK

Philosophy marshmallow collection Smells to die for £30.25 qvcuk.com

More ways to look good in London

TOP TREATMENT: ACUPUNCTURE FACIAL Having lotions rubbed into your face is great but results can be negligible. An acupuncture facial ups the ante. After a cleanse, practitioner Shaila Karim places needles at strategic points in your face and head. It’s not painful but expect to feel some powerful sensations. The treatment claims to eliminate fine lines and reduce large wrinkles. £38 for TNT readers (usually £135).

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Paul Mitchell construction paste Top-notch elastic hold £12.95 paul-mitchell.co.uk

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Worthwhile: the experience will make you smile

Global classroom Learn how to teach English and you’ll have the world at your feet WORDS REBECCA KENT

With a TEFL qualification, the muchcoveted lifestyle of working while travelling is made easy. The hardest part is just knowing where to go. TNT explores the options.

Exciting opportunities English is the most widely used language in international business and travel, and the demand for teachers who speak it as their mother tongue is always high. So, when you consider it takes just a weekend to get the basic training to teach, after which you can work in some of the most exotic corners of the globe, it’s an appealing trade-off. Teaching English is the means to a fulfilling end, says Sally Robinson, the director of studies for International 38

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TEFL Training. “Being able to live in a country, rather than just being a tourist there, and being welcomed by a community, is a privilege easily achieved,” she says. “Every kind of personality has something to offer in a classroom, such as great ideas and top experiences, and for jobs that even crop up in places like the Maldives and Costa Rica, why wouldn’t you?”.

Where in the world With a TEFL qualification in hand, the only dilemma a graduate faces is where to teach. The options typically boil down to private or government schools, summer camps, or one-to-one lessons in just about any emerging, or established,

economy in the world. And you can teach anyone from kindergarten children to businesspeople. Londoner Oliver Slow, 25, spent a year teaching in Indonesia. “The experience was fantastic,” says Slow, en route to his next gig in Myanmar. ”The interaction with students, especially when they were having fun, really made me feel like I was doing something worthwhile. “You do get lessons where the class is completely disinterested, but If I wasn’t doing at least some boring bookwork, I wouldn’t be doing my job.”

Go east of the globe In Asia, demand for teachers often outstrips supply, and the pay and conditions vary widely. You must

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ON THE JOB PAUL

BONDSFIELD

From left: work one-to-one, and a class in sunny climes

Casual: try one-to-one lessons

CAREER Head of marketing, Flight Centre AGE 38 LIVES Clapham FROM Hampshire How did you get into your line of work? I managed a camping park in Jersey before travelling for four years in Denmark, South Africa and New Zealand, where I got into travel marketing. Eventually, a job at Flight Centre cropped up.

Travel: try living in Japan have a degree to teach in South Korea, and usually Japan, where the pay starts at £1200 and £1800 per month respectively. In Southeast Asia the pay is less, but it is still wildly popular among travelling teachers. A contract in Asia typically lasts one year, and the school usually arranges visas, and sometimes throws in free local language lessons. You might also get your flight paid for.

WHY GO ANYWHERE? You don’t have to travel abroad to make money from your TEFL qualification. Jobs can be found in London, too. International TEFL Training’s Sally Robinson says: “Post a notice of your services at Asian supermarkets, libraries, and universities, or where Russians tend to congregate – there can be good money there. You can make between £14-£30 per hour.” There are also online schools that require teachers to conduct lessons over Skype, for which you can earn roughly £20 an hour. These jobs are posted at facebook.com/ internationaltefltraining

Photos: Thinkstock

Viva Espana In Western Europe, demand is highest in Spain, where the pay is about £1000 per month, and contracts last about nine months. Mike Harrison, 27, of Blackheath spent a year there, though he admits it was a challenge at times. “In the classroom you tend to discuss what students do in their free time, but all Spaniards seem to do is visit their grandparents in their home village. Soon enough, you’ve covered it all in English,” he says. “But it’s great watching – and being part of the process of – English being learned.”

Poland, where the cost of living is low, is another country with high demand – a teacher there can earn about £400 plus accommodation per month. In the Middle East, the pay is upwards of £700 per month.

Applying

Most large language schools post jobs at tefl.com and the application process usually requires you to submit a CV, plus copies of your passport and education certificates, after which an interview is conducted over the phone. But many teachers find work abroad by being in the country, as is the case in Central and South America.

Time to travel Enticed by the opportunities of teaching abroad? For jobs and more information see internationaltefltraining.com. Visit tntmagazine.com for all the details about NEXT WEEK our intensive Out in front: life introductory as a tour leader TEFL course.

What do you do day to day? I look after the marketing for Flight Centre’s three adventure and independent travel brands: Round The World Experts, Intrepid My Adventure Store and gapyear.com, so planning, advertising, social media, travel shows and shop fittings. The best part of your job? My colleagues and dealing with truly awesome travel products. What’s the most challenging? My colleagues (I hope they’re not still reading), juggling three very different brands and the demands that each create, while managing the bits where they overlap.

HOW TO... APPLY FOR JOBS ABROAD

• Assess the skills you have

to offer and find out where they are in demand.

• Thoroughly research the

country you’d like to work in. Check its employment laws and regulations and gen up on its culture and language to ensure you’ll fit in.

• Contact the embassy of

the country you want to go to for visa and passport requirements and be prepared for extensive background checks when you arrive.

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tntjobs.co.uk GALLOWGLASS T: 0845 300 2468 www.gallowglass.co.uk Gallowglass is UKs leading crewing company to the sporting and events industry, working for TV, theatre, film and outdoor production companies.

NEW FRONTIERS TRAVEL RECRUITMENT T: 0207 923 6423 www.newfrontiers.co.uk We are one of the UK’s leading travel recruitment agencies. We have over 18 years experience in dealing with a broad range of travel industry positions including business travel, retail, tour ops, car hire, marketing, executive & support.

BERRY MARQUEES LTD T: 01784 471 410 www.berrymarquees.com

JOB OF THE WEEK: Location: London Salary: £8 - £11 per hour + skills payments Gallowglass is involved in many aspects of the 2012 Games as well as our on-going work, and has vacancies for friendly, enthusiastic and outgoing people to join our crew. You will need to be physically fit, have excellent spoken English, be adaptable, happy to work anti-social hours and have a can-do attitude. CV to hr@gallowglass.co.uk or fill in our on line form at www.gallowglass.co.uk

JOB OF THE WEEK: Business Travel Consultants Location: UK Wide Salary: Varies between £15,000 - £35,000 Wan you use a recognised GDS system? Do you enjoy a fast paced role with a forward thinking company? Responsibilities include: * Booking all aspects of business travel * Looking after clients * Making reservations on a GDS * Offering a high level of customer service Zaira Shaal | zaira@newfrontiers.co.uk | 0845 202 2222

JOB OF THE WEEK: Marquee Foremen or Riggers Location: London Salary: £7 - £ 10 ph + Bonuses

Berry Marquees Ltd lives by its motto ‘Excellence Above All Else’, providing the highest quality marquees to the events industry.

Have you got the experience with marquees needed to join our team? Check out our website and see the service we deliver. We have several full time positions available, and transport from Putney every morning.

CAPITAL CHASE T: 020 7183 7030 www.capitalchase.com

JOB OF THE WEEK: Researcher Location: London - city Salary: £18,000-25,000 OTE 30,000 +

Capital Chase is an International boutique search firm which focuses on senior appointments within financial services.

Research markets, building market maps of teams of traders, brokers and M&A professional in Asia, Europe and U.S. Must be bright, articulate, confident, credible with Senior Directors and possess the ability to network at all levels.

jim@berrymarquees.com | 01784 471 410

Please mail your CV to info@capitalchase.com

CITY KNIGHTS LTD T/A SHINE CORP T: 020 7116 1666 anton@shinecorp.com Shine Corp is an Australian owned business now in its 10th year. We specialise going into global banks and law firms providing a shoe shining service.

ANDREAMOS T: +34 600 322 113 www.andreamos.com We offer luxury Holiday Rentals on the Costa del Sol, Andalucia.

JOB OF THE WEEK: Shoe shiner and customer service Location: London City Salary: Upwards of £18,000 The candidate needs to have excellent customer service and communication skills, be physically fit to shine six pairs of shoes an hour; be quick witted with a degree of maturity. Balance and a warm personality is key to your success. Please include a copy of your current CV with all applications; we look forward to hearing from you! anton@shinecorp.com | 020 7116 1666

JOB OF THE WEEK: 2 People Required!!!! Location: Andalucia Countryside Salary: On Application Great opportunity for 2 people, this is a working holiday in the Andalucia countryside. Free accommodation & board included. Role includes land clearing and pruning olive trees (in the sun!) EMAIL andrea@andreamos.com | + 346 00 322 113.

Looking for your next job? NEW JOBS ONLINE EVERY DAY To advertise your job of the week contact Matt Syder | 020 7989 0491 | matt.syder@tntmagazine.com

JOBS JOBS

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CASH-SAVING TIPS FREE BEER AND PIES Xxxxxxxxx O2 mobile customers can score free food and beer XXXXXXXXX as part of a Six Nations Xxxxxxxxxxx rugby promotion. There are 5000 packs up for XXXXXXXXX grabs and each includes Xxxxxxxxxxx two pies, two cans of beer, an England flag and ice XXXXXXXXX packs. To enter, sign up Xxxxxxxxxxx at o2priority.co.uk from 9am on Friday March 2. XXXXXXXXX Xxxxxxxxxxx

SHOP AND EARN A FIVER Stock up on threads for your spring wardrobe at Dorothy Perkins and for every £30 you spend, you get a £5 voucher for your next visit. Now, there’s an excuse to splash out for the new season if you needed one. The offer ends February 29. See dorothyperkins.com

Photos: Thinkstock

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HOW YOU SPEND IT! grocery shopping – so you can see where you’re at. Plus, keep a keen eye out for money-saving deals. Last big blow-out? A weekend in Paris with a bunch of friends. I splurged on food, but since Paris has such a renowned reputation for its cuisine, I count it as an investment.

MARISA BREESE, 20 JOB Intern FROM Chicago LIVES West Kensington How do you budget? I spend the majority of my money on food and

Any money-saving tips for when you arrive in London? Make a list of necessary purchases – especially for

What non-essential items do you spend money on? Travelling and drinking. However, I think you need to treat yourself every once in a while – otherwise, what would be the point of life? It would be monotonous.

HOW THEY SPEND IT! Fines are snow joke When London gets dumped with powder, there’s inevitably talk of fines, like in the US, for not shovelling it away. However, Brits are already falling foul of the law

BEDS FOR A FIVER Visit the Plus Hostels stand at the TNT Travel Show on March 3 to score a night at any of its European hostels for only £5. Great for travellers on a budget, the only catch is that the offer is not valid over Christmas or New Year. Score a £20 saving on beds in Berlin, Rome, Florence, Prague and Venice. SLOVENIA /68 EGYPT /74

transport and then, if I have anything left over, I go and have fun.

❚ Paul Manchester, of Cheshire, was slapped with a £600 penalty in 2009 after he jokingly wrote a 12ft ‘HELP’ snow sign, sparking a £5500 rescue mission.

Snow: can be costly

❚ Cambridge history student John Knowles built an ‘intricate’ 4ft phallus in a park next to a police station in 2007, and was swiftly fined £80 for creating the obscenity.

❚ Harold James, of Somerset, was hit with an £80 parking fine in 2009, because the back wheel of his car crossed over a perimeter line. The line was under 7cm of snow at the time, he claimed. ❚ Dean Smith, of Derbyshire, hurled a snowball at a police community support officer last year, and was slapped with an £85 fine in return. Now that’s cold!

Saturday 3 March 2012 Earls Court Exhibition Centre 9.30am - 5.30pm

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Knuckle duster blood spatter mug For coffee that packs a punch thabto.co.uk

The east London effect Mile End, E1/E3

99 £9.

WORDS CLARE VOOGHT

Mile End, a residential spot, right in Zone 2, is ideal commuting distance from central London and the City. And thanks to the rise of the east London phenomenon, it’s become pretty cool, too. ‘Is it Gin o’clock yet’ print The all important question artylicious.co.uk

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Why Mile End? While Mile End once to had an unsavoury reputation, thanks to ‘the Shoreditch effect’ the area’s popularity has been growing since the mid-Noughties. This – along with a few Met Police initiatives – mean it has become a much safer, gentrified place to live. Mile End feels pretty suburban – it’s mostly made up of houses and flats – but it’s still close to central London.

Relax in the park … plus a sports park with swimming pools and sports courts. Get your cultural fix from Mile End Art Pavilion on the same site. The glass-fronted gallery space overlooks a lake and holds various different exhibitions. When it comes to bars, cafes and restaurants you’ve got plenty of options. Aside from the Costa and Nando’s on Mile End Road, the Greedy Cow restaurant (greedycow.com) on Grove Road is renowned for its burgers and Lebanese restaurant The Orange Room has been on Burdett Road for years (orangeroomlebanese.co.uk).

Don’t move here if ... Sparrow hooks Because normal ones are boring homegardenliving.co.uk

You like being at the centre of the action – it’s pretty residential.

The people During the past few years, Mile End has reeled in young professionals looking for an easy commute. The area is also home to born-and-bred Londoners, as well as people from all around the world. There’s a heavy student population (about 20 per cent) so it’s pretty lively.

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Where to hang out Parrot bottle opener Jazz up beer time mad4gifts.co.uk

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Active types will want to hit Mile End Park. There’s a climbing wall, which runs classes for different levels throughout the week, and you’ll also find go-karting facilities,

The New Globe pub on Mile End Road is a good London boozer and the Morgan Arms gastropub (morganarmsbow.com) on Morgan Street is a favourite of Mile End resident and filmmaker Danny Boyle. Brick Lane and Shoreditch are just up the road for bigger nights out.

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MY AREA TUFAYEL

HUSSAIN Student, 21

“It’s a great area and it’s good for student life. Drapers Bar [Bancroft Road] is great and we’ve just had Stratford Westfield open up down the road.”

JAN RATHAKRISHNAN

Student, 21

Or hit the climbing wall Just north is Victoria Park Village. “It’s just like Islington used to be – it’s really quaint and full of little restaurants and cafes,” says Russell Stone, from WJ Meade estate agents on Mile End Road. “And on a nice day, Mile End residents walk up to Columbia Road Flower Market.”

The connections There are three Tube lines – Central, District and Hammersmith & City – plus tons of buses to central and north London. You’re a 20-minute walk into the City, and 20 minutes from Canary Wharf by bus.

What can you rent? You’re sure to find what you want, since there’s a real mix of properties – a lot of exlocal authority, mixed with slick new builds and period homes. The further north you look, the cheaper it gets, but around the Tube is the most sought after – especially in the tucked-away Tredegar Square NEXT WEEK and Morgan Street, which are quiet, Get in quick: speed flatmating but minutes from the station.

“It’s very East End – trendy but at the same time not quite central. It’s convenient. You can get into central London or walk to Brick Lane in 20 minutes.”

JOE

MTGLYNH Barista, 21

“Mile End is up and coming. It’s also lively – Thursday nights are student nights, so everyone’s out. But there is a mix of all generations here.”

E1/E3 INFO BOROUGH

Tower Hamlets AVERAGE COUNCIL TAX

£1,036 per year TRAVEL TIME TO LONDON

20 mins HOUSESHARE £595 pcm

ONE-BEDROOM FLAT £1343 pcm

TWO-BEDROOM FLAT £1517 pcm

A three-storey modern townhouse with four double bedrooms, plus a separate lounge and private garden. Within walking distance of Mile End Tube.

This Bow Road flat in a new block has modern fittings throughout. It gets plenty of natural light and is a few minutes walk from Mile End and Bow Road Tubes.

This ultra-cool warehouse conversion in Falcon Works has an open-plan kitchen and lounge, huge windows and some strategically placed exposed brickwork.

keatons.com

spencersproperty.co.uk

keatons.com

TUBE

Central, Hammersmith & City, District lines; Zone 2 AVERAGE ROOM SHARE 1 BED

£650 pcm AVERAGE RENTAL 1 BED

£1,150 pcm AVERAGE FLAT 1 BED

£180,000

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Quitting was never so sore

WARNING: KICKING THE HABIT MAY HURT UNITED STATES

A man lost his front teeth, a chunk of his tongue and severely burned his face – all because he was trying to give up smoking. While he was puffing on an electric cigarette, Alabama’s Tom Holloway, 57, had a nasty surprise when it exploded in his face. Joseph Parker, division chief for the North Bay Fire Department said: “The best analogy is it was like trying to hold a bottle rocket in your mouth when it went off. The battery flew out of the tube and set the closet on fire.” Smoking: it’s bad for you, even when you’re trying to give it up.

TWEETS OF THE WEEK @sweet_toof: Advertisers: stop using “it will change your life” as a selling point. Cocaine, unemployment, and AIDS will also change your life @RZilla24: Sometimes I pretend my hoodie sleeves are elephant trunks. My vote counts just as much as yours @SeanBlazed: It sucks how pizza doesn’t grow back

HORNY STEER A BOON FOR QLD TOURISM AUSTRALIA A steer with the longest horns in the world, faces the destiny of a major tourism cash cow. The seven-year-old bull, named JR, has entered the Guinness Book Of Records with a horn span of 2.77 metres – three times larger than the average steer. His owner, Michael Bethel, expects his 44

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London may be currently in the grip of London Fashion Week, but last week New York was in a couture frenzy all of its own. A canine model show ahead of the annual Westminster Kennel Club Show displayed the coolest clothes of the season for man’s best friend. None of that catwalk stuff here, though – these bitches do it doggy style

horny pet to account for a major boost in visitors to his outback Queensland ranch, Leahton Park, in the tourist season. “The record hasn’t changed him one bit, as all this publicity’s been happening during the off season,” Bethel says. “He doesn’t get any special treatment – he’s just one of the boys, out in the paddock with the other cattle.” JR’s bloodline is traced back to the southern American state of Texas, famous for its Longhorn cattle.

PORN INSTEAD OF SMURFS UNITED STATES A father had some explaining to do after

pornographic images, rather than The Smurfs, flashed up on his projector at his child’s birthday party. The man had rented a copy of the kids movie from a DVD vending machine and loaded the disc onto his laptop. But rather than images of Smurfette and her clan of tiny blue men, graphic images of naked, writhing adults flashed up. Police became involved when the Tremonton man reported that the DVD had been tampered with. But they found that there was nothing wrong with the disc. Computer gremlins had simply dredged up porn from his hard drive. Smurfette had never felt so upstaged.

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THIS WEEK

IN NUMBERS 6

The numer of units on the Scoville heat scale that the Trinidad Moruga Scorpion chilli, the world’s hottest, measured in at

NZers are getting a bit cheeky

BUM JOBS ALL THE RAGE DOWN UNDER NEW ZEALAND New Zealand may be at the arse-end of the world but Kiwis will become the butt of more jokes if they continue to sell their bums. After Wellington’s Tina Beznec sold the right to tattoo her backside with an advertiser’s design for £7000 (strip club Showgirls won the online auction), a string of copycat deals have been offered. Nursing student Hannah Wesley, from Waikato, posted the message ‘Help the SPCA and tattoo my arse’ and has promised to give half the proceeds to the Society of Prevention of Cruelty to Animals where she works as a volunteer. Marie, from Auckland’s Hibiscus Coast also offered her bum on TradeMe. “I’m a single mum struggling just to pay the bills. I have a special-needs son,” she wrote. SJ Parker, from Wellington promoted his derriere, to pay off “mounting bills”. We wonder who will crack the market.

GAY COUPLE WIN 50HOUR KISS RECORD

Photos: Getty; Thinkstock

THAILAND There must have been sore lips aplenty in Pattaya, as couples competed for the Guinness World Record for the longest kiss. Smooching lovers were confined to one square metre and only allowed to drink water and food through a straw. Nontawat Jaroegenasornsin and his partner Thanakorn Sittiamthong won by snogging for 50 hours, 25 minutes and one second. They took home a £2125 diamond ring and a £4250 hotel voucher.

The number of wild boar piglets a Berlin bulldog has adopted after finding them in a forest near the German capital

The number of highend watches, valued at £60,000, Essex street cleaner Arron Large found in the same drain

The amount, in pounds, naked rambler Nigel Keer, who strolled nude through a popular Leeds nature spot, was fined

‘Stay in school, kids’

SCHOOL STRIP SHOW RILES PARENTS UNITED KINGDOM Full-frontal nudity and primary school kids has never been a good mix. But Clavering Primary School in Essex decided to use a troupe of well-oiled male strippers to raise money. Performers All the Way Jan and Tommy Love from Dreamboys dragged one young mum onstage and one stripper waved his package in her face. Parents called the ladies’ night, hosted by a parents’ association, “vile”, and two mothers have pulled their kids out of the school because of the “outrageous event”. A mother of five, who has asked not to be named, said: “I don’t think anything has ever made me quite so angry. I don’t want people associating my children with the stripper school.”

1.2M

315

QUOTE OF THE WEEK You get the argument ‘make way for the young kids’ … fuck that, let them make way for themselves Sir Paul McCartney has no plans to step out of the musical spotlight anytime soon

London Legacy Raffle Tickets Prize draw: ‘Turkey Unplugged’ 10 day tour for two

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COMMENT: CAROL DRIVER carol.driver@tntmagazine.com

Falk off: Sean Penn

Yes, saucy Ryanair ad is sexist – towards men

Photos: Getty

Bra-and-knickers poster expects to fool blokes into buying flights Well done, Michael O-I’ve-done-it-again-Leary. You’ve once again succeeded in getting Ryanair into the headlines. This time, the stiff-upper-lip that is the Advertising Standards Agency has stamped its foot and banned your budget airline’s latest promotional campaign, which it says is too raunchy. The ads, dispalyed in national newspapers, feature an attractive woman (see her on page 16). She’s pouting suggestively, while gazing at the camera and has nothing on but a tantalising lacy bra and knickers, with the headline “Red Hot Fares & Crew – £9.99!!!” screaming behind her. The lovely lass also has her thumb hooked into her cute panties in a highly saucy manner that’s sure to set pulses racing (if you don’t get out much). According to party poopers ASA, this is likely to cause “widespread offence”, based on the investigation, launched after just 17 people bothered complaining. Sure, the ad isn’t doing anything for the feminist cause, but presumably the model wasn’t forced into posing, got paid, and wasn’t expected to sleep with anyone along the way. And it’s nothing we haven’t seen before on a grander scale – she isn’t showing her tits or even a teaser of an arse cheek, à la Page 3. No, the real offence of this advert lies in the fact that it’s sexist to men. It plays to the male stereotype of the lowest common denominator. Ryanair is assuming that by seeing an attractive, half-naked woman, the eyes of ape-like alphas will be bulging, the word “phwoar!” spilling from their lips in between swigs of beer, and they’ll be so overcome by their raging testosterone levels, they’ll have no choice but to book a flight to anywhere – “just get me on the plane!”. Only, that isn’t going to happen. I give most blokes more credit than forking out their hard-earned cash on a flight they didn’t want because a bird on a poster looks a bit of alright. If any man books a trip expecting that, they’ve got to be as thick as they come. » Does Ryanair’s ‘Red Hot’ ad make you want to book a flight? letters@tntmagazine.com

SEAN, KEEP YOUR TWO-PENNETH Stop the cavalry! The British mission has been scuppered! Retreat! Or so goes the action-film scene playing in Sean Penn’s imagination in which he plays the dashing-but-thoughtful hero. Back in the real world, however, this translates into Penn letting his ego get in the way of the facts. The Hollywood actor has sashayed in, attacking Britain’s involvement in the Falkland Islands, declaring its hold on them “colonialist, ludicrous and archaic”. What the hell has this got to do with a multi-millionaire who made his name marrying Madonna and starring in a bunch

“

Penn’s ego gets in the way of the facts

”

of movies? But, like with his films, in politics he’s only interested in the leading role. The people of the Falklands elected to remain British, remember? So Penn, why don’t you get out of the Falklands, and leave the politics to those who want to improve lives, not just their headline ratings. TNTMAGAZINE.COM

Casualties of war As reports come in of injured Syrians being arrested or killed in hospitals, doctors are setting up underground, at risk of death WORDS FRANKIE MULLIN

As violence in Syria escalates to bloody new levels, human rights activists are claiming a hidden war is being fought – this time inside hospitals and medical facilities. Last week, President Bashar al-Assad’s regime was again ordered by the UN to halt its brutal crackdown, which included government troops pummelling the central city of Homs on Friday, killing at least 22 people. However, for the survivors, it appears a similar fate may await. International medical humanitarian organisation Medécins Sans Frontières (Doctors Without Borders) has spoken out to decry the militarisation of Syria’s hospitals. MSF, which aims to provide medical aid ‘where it is most needed, regardless of race, religion, politics or gender’, and currently works in 60 countries, says Syrians injured by government troops are unable to go to hospital for fear of being arrested, tortured or even killed for opposing Assad’s rule. Medicine is being used as a “weapon of mass persecution”, in ways almost unprecedented in recent warfare, the organisation claims. “Doctors feel like they’re being hunted,” says Dr Greg Elder, a Kiwi ex-pat and MSF’s deputy director of operations in Paris. “Regardless of what happens in the wider political landscape, these things shouldn’t happen. Hospitals should be protected – that’s in the Geneva Convention.” As violence escalates, so do the reports of blast traumas, sniper injuries, high-velocity gunshot wounds and soft tissue injuries and fractures caused by exploding bullets. MSF is receiving a growing number of testimonies that the wounded are being beaten and killed as they lie in hospital beds, while others are left to die with festering wounds. Some simply disappear. The identities of those making the reports have been withheld over fears of retaliation by government troops. One demonstrator who sought hospital treatment says: “All the doctors had been arrested and they were forced to sign a document saying they would only treat certain cases, the ones the government would allow.” 48

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Others who have injuries consistent with taking part in a demonstration run a high risk of being arrested, or worse. “I was operated on under false identity because I am wanted by the security forces,” another injured man says. “Normally, under the worst circumstances, they might have removed a finger or just bandaged my hand but they knew I was from [locatoin withheld] and they cut it off from the wrist.” Another Syrian reports seeing a fellow patient killed by a member of Assad’s security forces as the man lay injured in a hospital bed. “A man in military gear – judging by his uniform, an officer – was crushing an injured person with his feet. In the end, the officer finished him off.”

“

They just cut my hand off at the wrist

”

For medical workers, the situation is dangerous and doctors know they are being watched, although Syrian authorites tell the outside world nothing untoward is happening. One response has been to set up underground clinics in homes, warehouses and apartments. These makeshift hospitals are run with few supplies and only basic injuries can be treated. For most, the only hope is to be smuggled over the border to Lebanon or Jordan. Although MSF has not been allowed direct access to the wounded in Syria, it is offering support to the proliferation of underground, mobile clinics springing up across the country. It’s a constant battle, however. “The field hospitals change place every day. Several times [Assad’s troops] have come to take away or burn all the medical materials and supplies,” another Syrian recounts. “There are no ambulances, they have all been targeted.

Photos: Getty/ Benoit Finck/MSF

Activists demand Assad’s departure; a patient in a clandestine clinic (top right); those treated at Syria’s regular hospitals can be maimed (bottom right)

They shoot at the passengers. The doctors who are brave enough to take action are arrested, or their wives are raped, or they are place under house arrest.” In the clandestine medical shelters, simple rooms outfitted as operating theatres are used for surgical procedures. Hygiene and sterilisation conditions are rudimentary and aneasthesia is in short supply. Furthermore, the mere possession of drugs and basic medical materials, such as gauze, is considered a crime. With most ambulances now under military control, another unofficial service has been set up by locals to scoop the beaten and bloodied from Syria’s streets. The bravery of Syria’s medical professionals who continue to save lives while risking losing their own is awe-inspiring. “When we receive serious casualties, we have two options: either we let them die, or we send them to hospital not knowing what will become of them,” says an anonymous Syrian medic. “Doctors are being harassed by security forces. But despite that risk, many are putting their lives in danger.” With the situation so extreme, Elder admits the staying politically neutral is impossible, but also points to the saying ‘truth is the first casualty of war’. “We know that the way the health service is being abused is just the tip of an iceberg, but the wider political context is much more complex that the picture that’s being painted.” What is clear, however, is that medicine – and the humanitarian agencies that administer it – has become increasingly politicised, a frightening reality for those who are trained to help their fellow human beings, no matter what their political views are. “Medical professionals have become a legitimate target,” Elder says. “That makes things dangerous for them. They are not soldiers; They are not trained to be on the front line.” Watch video testimonies from Syria at tntmagazine.com/msf For more information on Médecins Sans Frontières msf.org.uk

An MSF inflatable hospital in Haiti

EMERGENCY RESPONSE THE INFLATABLE HOSPITAL An emergency technology at the disposal of Médecins Sans Frontières disposal is the inflatable hospital, in which it is possible to rapidly install surgical facilities, intensive care units and hospital beds. Through the use of these, MSF can tailor facilities in response to specific situations. The inflatables have been used in the context of natural disaster or armed conflict, when existing facilities are no longer functional. Large numbers of injured people can be cared for in controlled, hygienic surroundings. The ‘hospitals’ can be erected in 48 hours. So far, these structures have been used in Southern Sudan in Pakistani Kashmir in 2005, in Indonesia and in Southern Sudan in 2006, in Yemen and The Democratic Republic of The Congo in 2008, and in Gaza and Sri Lanka in 2009.

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Bob Murphy flies high

BULLDOG WANTS END TO HOMOPHOBIA AUSTRALIAN RULES Western Bulldogs defender Bob Murphy wants people to lose their “sick fascination” with which AFL footballers might be gay. While no AFL player has yet come out, the 29-year-old said if any footballer did choose to reveal they were homosexual, he doubted it would create awkwardness within the league. But Murphy said, in his view, members of the public were unhealthily keen to find out how many AFL players were gay and who they were. “I think there’s a bit of a sick fascination I hear from people on the street about who it is and how many there is,” Murphy told reporters, saying it should end. His comments came after NRL grand final referee Matt Cecchin recently revealed in a newspaper article that he is gay.

CA CHIEF TO IMPROVE COMMUNICATION CRICKET CA chief executive James Sutherland says Brad Haddin is out of the national set-up due to poor form and is disappointed over the confusion surrounding his status. Sutherland says public speculation over whether the wicketkeeper had been rested or axed was regrettable. “We’re not comfortable with the level of uncertainty and discussion on this matter,” he said. Sutherland was at pains not to criticise the national selectors over the issue, saying it had been more of a problem in the communication process. “If there are things that need to be made clearer in the public place they’re things we need to improve,” he said. 50

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In the air up there: US skater Bucky Lasek practices in the ‘Beach Bowl’ during the Australian Surfing Open in Sydney. Sure, he might have broken a few bones on his way to becoming a pro skater, but when the weather’s that good, and you’re getting paid to have fun, it sure beats competing with the masses for a spot on the Tube each day

THE CAVEMAN HEADS DOWN UNDER

BIG WEEK FOR ...

RUGBY

Under-fire Kenny Dalglish, still reeling from his handling of the Luis Suarez saga, takes his side to Wembley for the first time in 16 years on Sunday for the League Cup final as they attempt to end their seven-year silverware wait. A lowly EPL position, the aforementioned trophy drought, and a club whose estimation in the world’s eyes has sunk because of its handling of the race row, makes this clash against Cardiff as big a game for the Glaswegian as he’s likely to face in 2012.

Sébastien Chabal will make a one-off appearance this week for Balmain, against Petsham in Sydney’s division two suburban competition. The French colossus left Racing Metro earlier this month, and told a French Radio station soon after, “I will tell you a little secret, I will play in Australia soon.” Balmian club president Wayne Livingstone – the man behind the Fanatics supporter tours – said he expected all the players in the match would enjoy competing with such a high-calibre athlete. It will be a brief visit Down Under for ‘The Caveman’, though, with no Super 15 sides expressing an interest in signing him.

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The Blues’ Isaia Toeava (right) dominates

QUOTES OF THE WEEK It was the worst performance in Europe by far. There was not one moment when we were really in the game Arsenal manager Arsène Wenger doesn’t hold back when asked to sum up his team’s performance in a 4-0 loss to AC Milan. Perhaps buy some players, Arsène.

PREVIEW First round of Super 15 stokes old rivalries SATURDAY/ SUNDAY

SKY SPORTS, TIMES VARY Another year, another long season for southern hemisphere rugby fans. It all kicks off again this weekend with the first round of the Super 15. Up first are a couple of cracking derbies: in New Zealand, the Blues face longstanding rivals the Crusaders at Eden Park and, across the ditch, the Reds face the Waratahs in Sydney. In Auckland, all eyes will be on the Blues’ backline to see if World Cup hero Piri Weepu will slot in at number 10 to create

a lethal combo with new inside centre Ma’a Nonu. Outside them, Rudi Wulf, Rene Ranager and Isaia Toeava form a back three sure to rake in the tries this season. In Sydney, the Reds, the defending champions, will face an absolute onslaught from the Waratahs, who will be supported by a crowd baying for the Queenslanders’ blood. It’s sure to be one of the most physical clashes of the entire competition. Elsewhere, the Brumbies play the Force, the Highlanders meet the Chiefs and the Stormers host the Hurricanes. ›› Best of enemies: p54

THE CHAT | Saffa rugby in turmoil (as usual)

We’re a long way away from being a favourite to win a premiership and so is everyone else Wests Tigers coach Tim Sheens attempts to avoid the NRL favourites tag. Fair call.

That’s why we like the Premier League, it never happens there. Maybe other countries don’t expect black players Man City’s Yaya Toure says England fans aren’t racist. Only Liverpool players.

TV HIGHLIGHTS

Photos: Getty

FOOTBALL South Africa’s five Super Rugby sides Q Will really boycott next year’s competition? always in South African sport, there’s an element of A As politics in all this drama: the South African Rugby Union (Saru) has stirred up a hornet’s nest by announcing the Southern Kings, an East Cape team of predominantly black players, will play in the 2013 Super Rugby tournament. The other Saffa teams aren’t happy, as it means the end of one of them, probably the poor-performing Lions or Cheetahs. Another option is a merger of two teams. Talk of the five sides refusing to play seems to be hot air: they all have broadcasting contracts until 2015. Saru is more likely to lobby for the comp to be expanded to 16 teams, a cheeky move that’s hopefully slapped down.

Man City v Porto Europa League 2nd leg for City Wednesday 5pm, ESPN

RUGBY UNION England v Wales Championship faves visit Twickenham Saturday 4pm, BBC1

FOOTBALL The Kings’ Siyanda Grey

Arsenal v Tottenham The season’s second north London derby Sunday 1.30pm, Sky Sports 1 TNTMAGAZINE.COM

SPORTVIEW

TNT puts the world to rights COMMENT: TOM STURROCK tom.sturrock@tntmagazine.com

“Hey Patrice, beers at mine later?”

Australian sport ahead of the game on racism

Liverpool’s defence of Suarez would never have flown Down Under

» Should European clubs be doing more to combat racism in sport? letters@tntmagazine.com 52

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

Fabio Cappello’s decision to step down as England manager has opened the door for Spurs boss Harry Redknapp to coach the national side at this year’s European Championships, but the gig is a poisoned chalice. The post’s prestige undoubtedly appeals to a proud Englishman like Redknapp, but he should ask himself what constitutes success in that role – winning major titles or finishing eighth – and what, realistically, can be achieved? Do England have the quality? Do their best players even care? As a football nation, England are a middleweight with designs on heavyweight glory.

“

The England gig is a poisoned chalice

”

Redknapp looks set to manage at the Euros in a caretaker role. Maybe that experience – inflated expectations, inevitably dashed – will persuade him to keep his day job at Spurs, where meaningful success is within reach for the first time in a generation.

Photos: Getty

The spat between Patrice Evra and Luis Suarez, along with Liverpool’s baffling defence of their player, shows, when it comes to confronting racism in sport, the codes Down Under are ahead of society as the English game drags its knuckles. Last year in the AFL, Justin Sherman, who plays for the Western Bulldogs in Melbourne, the game’s heartland, was found to have racially vilified a young indigenous opponent. Sherman was made to apologise immediately and was then suspended for a month by his club. The AFL was naturally consulted about the penalty but the club-imposed suspension sent a powerful message: Sherman’s vilification of his opponent was condemned by his employers, his mates, the team’s supporters. No argument. Zero tolerance. Compare that to Liverpool’s reaction when Suarez was accused of racially vilifying Evra. Not only did they deny, deny, deny, but the players then took to the training ground wearing T-shirts in support of their accused teammate. Are these the actions of a club – which, invariably, says something about the entire code – serious about confronting racism? In reality, it looks more like an exercise in providing cover for racists. And, then, after Suarez refused to shake Evra’s hand two weekends ago, Liverpool manager Kenny Dalglish again defended his player. Eventually, Liverpool shifted the blame onto Suarez, but the whole affair suggests a broken moral compass and misshapen priorities. There are many differences between the AFL and the Premier League that make it easier to impose anti-racism policies in Australia. European football has had far less success combating racism, partly because the high churn of players makes it hard to enforce a uniform set of behavioural standards, and because, by Liverpool’s example, the clubs remain resolutely self-interested. Nonetheless, it is a remarkable triumph for the AFL that in a country where casual racism is still rife, the waters are so unmuddied on the question of what is acceptable and unacceptable on the field.

REDKNAPP SHOULD STICK WITH SPURS

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HOSPITALITY RACING PACKAGE AT CHELTENHAM FESTIVAL 2012 In conjunction with ‘G’day at the Races’, Cheltenham Racecourse is offering one lucky reader a racing package for two at this year’s festival (valued at £1000). The festival is four days of magic, madness and magnificence, played out on a stage framed by the breathtaking vista of the Cotswold Hills. The prize includes hospitality tickets for the Horseshoe Pavilion on Champion Day (March 13), where you will enjoy a four-course lunch and complimentary bar, fabulous accommodation in an opulent suite at The Bradley Hotel in Cheltenham and club tickets on Ladies’ Day (March 14).

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PREVIOUS WINNERS TNT 1481: A PAIR OF TICKETS TO PAJAMA MEN: IN THE MIDDLE OF NO-ONE: Naomi Cornwell, Ian Morley, Andrew Taylor, Samantha Dhanilall, Callum Linton TNTMAGAZINE.COM

Best of enemies The Reds and the Tahs renew their blood feud WORDS TOM STURROCK Within Australian rugby – whether league or union – there is only one tribal rivalry that matters. There is nothing confected about the enmity between Queensland and New South Wales – it simmers away, ever-present and primordial, destined to split the surface whenever the states clash. Officials from the two states may sit cordially alongside one another on various boards and, of course, players pull in the same direction when selected for Wallabies duty. But when the Blues and the Maroons – the Tahs and the Reds – meet, all involved are hard-wired to hate. It’s exactly how it should be, and the renewal of hostilities fittingly frames the start of this year’s Super 15 competition, which kicks off this weekend, highlighted by the bumper Australian derby to be played on Saturday in Sydney. For many moons, Queensland were the poor cousins in Super rugby, overshadowed first by the ACT Brumbies sides that won titles in 2001 and 2004, and then, more recently, the Waratahs, whose dour consistency made them the Australian side most likely, evidenced by two grand final losses, both to the Crusaders, in 2005 and 2008. The Reds, meanwhile, endured a dirty run, finishing no higher than 10th between 2004 and 2009. It was miraculous then, to see the Reds, transformed by the arrival of coach Ewen McKenzie, winning the title last season by playing attractive, adventurous rugby. Waratahs flyhalf Berrick Barnes (main image) started his career in Queensland, so it is perhaps understandable that his reaction to the Reds’ win strikes a conciliatory, almost admiring note. “It’s a half-half. You are sort of happy for them, I have seen what they had to go through there and how they had to work their way out of it,” Barnes says. “The style of footy they played and the way the 54

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Queensland people have got behind them, they’ve been a beacon in terms of what we’ve needed to do in Australian rugby for a long time, I suppose. Probably what they achieved in the last two years. We have to play our own style of game but it would be nice for teams to try to emulate them.” Barnes moved south just as the Reds revolution was beginning – but Barnes has no interest in second-guessing his decision to join the Waratahs, who, it should be noted, finished a respectable third last season.

“

Bloody oath we’re going to beat the Reds

”

“You’d be lying if you said you weren’t a little bit jealous about what they’ve done but I have no real regrets about the decision I made in terms of coming down here, in terms of everything that’s happened and gone on,” Barnes says. That said, it has been a tough off-season for the Waratahs, who lost star fullback Kurtley Beale to the Melbourne Rebels and even more players to injury since. Ahead of the opening clash with the Reds, Barnes concedes the reigning premiers will start favourites. ‘’What can you do? Kurtley [Beale’s ] gone, we’ve got [Adam] Ashley-Cooper here and he’ll provide some spark, but losing Lachie Turner’s not ideal – gone for the whole year you know, that’s a big loss for him, play your first bloody trial and there you go, gone for a season,’’ Barnes says. “I don’t expect this side to hit our straps until later into

Photos: Getty

Clockwise: Ewen Mackenzie; Quade Cooper with the Super 15 trophy; Adam Ashley-Cooper: Will Genia

the season. That’s not to say we’re not going out to win the first game because bloody oath we are, but in saying that … I think we’re going to be a side that’s going to get better as the competition goes on’’ Reds coach Ewen McKenzie has also switched camps but, having played for and then coached the Waratahs, his defection has been in the opposite direction to Barnes. His success in turning the perennially under-achieving team into a dynamic, title-winning powerhouse prompted many commentators to endorse McKenzie as a worthy replacement for Wallabies coach Robbie Deans. For McKenzie, though, his sole focus this year is to win back-to-back titles. “We are out to win the title … not to defend it. That’s our mindset this year. We don’t want to be the underdogs, but a team expecting to win,” McKenzie says. “For a young team, last year was a great achievement. If you look at the week-to-week scorelines, we didn’t sink teams, but did enough to accrue points which got us to the final. But we did show character, and it is pleasing that those who ran out in the final are still with us. The question now is how we front up the following season.” The most pressing on-field question for the Reds revolves around replacing injured flyhalf Quade Cooper, a vital contributor to their success last season, who sustained an injury at last year’s World Cup and won’t be available until April. McKenzie seems likely to deploy Kiwi import Mike Harris at No 10, but remains bullishly confident about remaining competitive in Cooper’s absence. “When you read the papers last year, all the other teams were saying that when they played the Reds they had to shut down Will Genia and Quade Cooper,” McKenzie says. “Quade is not there. So now they have to work out who else to shut down.”

Talking it up: Matt Burke

GONE EARLY BURKE DISSES REDS Former Waratahs and Wallabies fullback Matthew Burke has done his bit to stoke the flames of interstate rivalry, going out on a limb to suggest that a loss to NSW in the opening round would be the first setback in a difficult title-defence for the Reds. “Queensland will go one down to start the season,” Burke says.“I think there could be a bit of second-year syndrome for the Reds.” Burke, who starred during the Wallabies’ triumphant 1999 World Cup campaign and remains Australia’s second-highest point-scorer in Tests, believes the loss of Quade Cooper will critically weaken the Reds’ backline. “After the way they played last year, people know what they’re capable of now and obviously they’ve lost their star No.10 as well.”

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DRIBBLING CAMELS Exertion + wind rush = disturbingly drooly camels at the annual Janadriyah Festival of Heritage and Culture, on the outskirts of Riyadh in Saudi Arabia. Ick.

Photos: Slovenia Tourist Board, Getty, TNT

INSIDE

ST PADDY’S PARTIES /60

SMALL WONDER /68

EGYPT ON EDGE /74

A month from now, the world will go green. Here’s our pick of where to enjoy St Patrick’s Day in the motherland.

Trek forests, sleep in mountain huts and fling yourself from cliffs, all in one short trip. Slovenia proves that big isn’t always better.

A year after protests began in Egypt, we explore the fun, the beauty and the uncertainty of a country still in flux. TNTMAGAZINE.COM

TRAVELDIARY Laura Chubb

@tntmagazine

Mardi Gras revellers can barely contain themselves

ACTING TRAVEL EDITOR

GUIDEBOOK DEATH I’ve heard a lot of talk lately about how ‘the guidebook is dead’. This is a sentiment being shared among travel industry insiders, bloggers, and – the absolute worst – a snooty brand of backpackers who think themselves too intrepid to so much as consider another person’s advice.

MARDI GRAS New Orleans, US Though the Mardi Gras party has been raging in New Orleans’ French Quarter for the past two weeks, the grand finale is Fat Tuesday, the 21 last day of the Carnival season before Lent. Expect a frenzy of music, parades, fancy dress and picnics. And make sure to join the crowds in the rush to catch hails of beads and doubloons (coins) that are thrown from the floats. FEB

WHY: Mardi Gras started among early generations of Creoles, who a penchant for dancing and masks, before being resurrected in 1857 in New Orleans by a wealthy group of theatrical types. It’s only got louder and grander since then, and is considered one of the lairiest parties on the planet.

SHANTIES INTERNATIONAL SEA SONGS FESTIVAL Krakow, Poland

Rather curiously – considering the city’s 22-26 landlocked nature – Krakow hosts Poland’s largest celebration of sea songs. As well as singing shanties with sailors, you can check out photography exhibitions and film screenings. FEB

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ORURO CARNIVAL

Oruro, Bolivia

Demonic dancers in devil costumes are the highlight 21 of this Christian festival just before Lent, which ends with a massive water fight. Gringoes are doomed. UNTIL FEB

boliviahostels.com/CarnivalOruro.html

CARNAVAL DE BINCHE

Binche, Belgium

shanties.pl

INTERNATIONAL LOVE FILM FESTIVAL OF MONS Mons, Belgium

Until March 2, this annual event explores different 24 forms of love in more than 100 films, both long and short, from across the globe. Ooh-la-la, etc. FEB

fifa-mons.be

DO IT BECAUSE: The Big Easy knows how to party, and never more so than at its most famous event. Still, keep in mind that new ‘traditions’ such as tourists flashing their tits in exchange for beads and trinkets isn’t hugely appreciated by most true New Orleanians.

Local blokes in masks painted with green eyes and 21 ginger ‘taches slow-dance around town, shaking sticks to ward off evil spirits. Accompanying them are boys carrying baskets of oranges, which they subsequently lob at the crowd to celebrate the forthcoming summer. Don’t throw the fruit back – it’s a gift. UNTIL FEB

carnavaldebinche.be

Photos: Getty

I’ve met plenty of the latter while travelling – arrogant assholes, who scoff and snort at anyone who dares carry a guidebook, while loudly making lots of ill-thought-out assertions about ‘discovering things for yourself’. That seems to be the core argument for this so-called meeting of guidebook and grim reaper – that the real fun of travelling is to wing it, stumbling from one ‘hilarious’ anecdote to another. And yes, I agree: flying by the seat of your proverbial pants is an essential part of travel. But you’re often forced into situations in spite of your guidebook, what with you being out in a real living, breathing world, which is unlikely to follow what has been printed on a page to the letter. But without a little guidance, you can probably also expect to wing your way into getting scammed, spending terrifying nights in uberdodgy hotels, and eating overpriced/ bowel-ruining food. You might even wing your way blindly past highlights, having not read up on what there is to see and do. A great travel experience is best accomplished using a combination of resources, which include – but are not limited to – reading your guidebook, getting tips from travellers you meet on the road, and remaining open-minded and flexible. Here at TNT, we go exploring so we can share what we find with you, opening up awesome experiences to more people. Cos we’re nice like that.

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CROYDON: JUST LIKE DOWNTOWN NEW YORK You might not think that Croydon – one of the worst hit areas during the London riots – would make much of a hotspot for tourism. But the newly established Croydon Tours obviously thinks differently, having launched an £8pp daytrip that takes in its “New York-style downtown” and “ancient history”. The tour also takes travellers to famous spots from Croydonset TV sitcom Peep Show, and ends at a multistorey car park to enjoy the views. Local James Naylor, who launched the tour, calls Croydon “Britain’s most interesting town”.

GREAT PLANE ROBBERY An air passenger was robbed of £100,000 in jewellery after US Airways staff ordered her to check in her hand luggage . Rita Lamberg, 69, was approached before take-off at JFK airport and told her handbag was too big to take onto the flight. But when Lamberg collected the bag at Phoenix, Arizona, items missing included more than £50,000 worth of stones and a £25,000 Rolex watch. A spokesman for US Airways said staff had offered Lamberg the opportunity to remove items from her bag before it was placed in the hold.

SMOOTH ONE-LINER A romantic Aussie proposed to his girlfriend by hanging a 25m-banner across the Queen Mary II ship, which sailed into Sydney harbour bearing the message: ‘Marry me Jess?’ Stefan Libon took his girlfriend to the area under the pretence of seeing Queen Mary II, the largest cruise ship to ever visit Australia. After saying yes, Tess and Stefan were invited aboard to enjoy a celebratory brunch, and have even been offered a honeymoon cruise – if it can be filmed for TV. Expect to see Big Fat Aussie Cruiseship Weddings on Channel 4 any day now.

COCAINE CRUISE On the subject of cruises and Antipodeans, US law enforcement agencies allegedly found 13kg – or £1m-worth – of cocaine on the cruise ship P&O Aurora when it docked in San Francisco recently. Federal agents apparently discovered 7kg of the drug in the cabin of an Aussie passenger, and more than 5kg in a cabin occupied by New Zealanders. A P&O spokesman said: “There is an ongoing investigation and we are not at liberty to discuss this further.” Honestly – Antipodeans, you just can’t take them anywhere.

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Going green: emerald-clad revellers party in the streets

BELFAST

St Patrick’s Day IRELAND & NORTHERN IRELAND

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DUBLIN

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Folk music in Galway Woolshed Baa & Grill Parnell Street, Dublin 1 | Sheares Street, Cork

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St Patrick’s Day Decider? The last day of the Six nations rugby sees Italy face Scotland at 12.30pm, Wales play France at 4.45pm and England versus Ireland at Twickenham at 5pm for what could be a championship decider on St. Patricks Day. ENJOY THE Will the luck of the Irish come good on the day? CEOIL, CAINT AGUS CRAIC AT THE WOOLSHED WHETHER IN Plus live music, DJ and drink specials until late DUBLIN OR CORK Find us on Facebook

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UKTRIP

Great times, to be sure A month from now, the world will go green. Here’s where to enjoy St Patrick’s Day in the motherland WORDS LAURA CHUBB

While St Patrick’s Day technically celebrates the arrival of Christianity in Ireland – patron saint Paddy is credited with bringing Jesus’s message to the people – it has morphed into one of the world’s most widely enjoyed secular celebrations. Not only are you more likely to find folk spending March 17 down the pub wearing a silly hat shaped like a pint of Guinness than lining the pews at church, but the sheer number of countries you’ll find these green-clad boozers in is boggling. Parades sway the streets from New York to Tokyo; Irish pubs from Dubai to Taiwan blast out the pipe music and flog gallons of stout. So, while you won’t be short of ways to celebrate St Paddy’s Day here in London, if you do fancy a properly Irish celebration, you might want to start planning now. Here’s our pick of the best St Paddy’s Day parties in Ireland and Northern Ireland. Slainte! St Patrick’s Festival, Dublin

Photos: DRTA, Chris Hill, Getty, Thinkstock

The craic: The streets of Dublin turn green for the biggest of the St Paddy’s Day parades. Marching bands weave their way along a 2.7km route through the heart of this historic city, beginning at Parnell Square at 12pm and ending at St Patrick’s Cathedral. The marchers are flanked by a 550,000strong crowd, many of them dressed as leprechauns and with the national flag painted on their faces. But there’s not only the street party on the big day to look forward to: the festival actually lasts four days, from March 16-19, and includes street theatre, three funfairs complete with ferris wheels and roller coasters, boat races, and a walking tour in the footsteps of St Patrick. See: stpatricksfestival.ie Getting there: Flights from London Stansted to Dublin start about £53 return with Ryanair. (ryanair.com) St Patrick’s Carnival Parade, Belfast The craic: Due to the Troubles, Belfast is still given a wide berth by many travellers, but this pumping party town is hoping to make a better name for itself in 2012, as the 100th anniversary of the maiden voyage of the Titanic puts a spotlight on the city that built it. The carnival parade kicks off from Belfast City Hall at 12pm and whips through the city centre to end at Custom House Square an hour later.

The square will then host a concert with music, dancing, drinking and grub aplenty. Afterwards, take the party to the Queen’s Quarter, where the student nightlife is at. Or check out Laverys Bar (laverysbelfast.com), where there are four different venues to suit every taste, from boho to ballroom. We also recommend Big E Taxi Tours for a look at the city’s loyalist and republican murals. (big-e-taxitours.com) See: gotobelfast.com Getting there: Flights from London Stansted to Belfast start from £39.98 return with bmibaby. (bmibaby.com) Cork St Patrick’s Festival, Cork The craic: For smaller crowds, but the same party atmosphere, try Cork. A former European Capital of Culture, this energetic city enjoys a fierce rivalry with Dublin, and is so confident of its superiority that locals have taken to calling it ‘The People’s Republic of Cork’. The St Patrick’s Day parade is slated to start about 1pm, and promises the traditional sea of green and gallons of black stuff. The festival runs until the Monday, with markets and music claiming the streets. The grisly Cork City Gaol (corkcitygaol.com) and ale-tastic Franciscan Well Brewery (franciscanwellbrewery.com) are also worth a look while you’re there. See: corkstpatricksfestival.ie Getting there: Flights from London Stansted to Cork start from £52 return with Ryanair. (ryanair.com) St Patrick’s Festival, Galway The craic: This pretty medieval town has a stonking reputation as a hedonist’s heaven. Drinkers fall in and out of its myriad pubs along cobbled streets every night of the week, and live music is ubiquitous – expect to be met with fiddles, banjos and bagpipes wherever you go. There’s a more intimate atmosphere on St Paddy’s Day as some 50,000 spectators line the streets to watch the parade wind through town. NEXT WEEK See: stpatricksgalway.com Getting there: The train from Can you really see the Northern Lights Dublin to Galway takes about from Orkney? three hours and starts at about £25 return. (irishrail.ie) TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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MOROCCO An eight-day ‘Amazing Morocco’ tour is £479pp (+ FREE Egypt or take 25 per cent off) with Travel Talk (0208 0998852; traveltalktours.com). Includes fourstar accommodation, most meals, tour guides, jeep safari and camel trek in the desert. Excludes flights and local payment. Book by March 2; departs March 3, 17 or 31. DUBAI A three-night trip is £499pp (save £275pp) with Flight Centre (0844 8008624; flightcentre.co.uk) quoting reference HHQMH1. Includes three nights’ five-star, B&B accommodation and flights. Offer ends March 6; departs June 15-30. ANZAC A nine-day Anzac Legends tour is £431pp (save £108pp) with Encounters Travel (0800 0886002; encounterstravel.com). Includes B&B accommodation, some meals, a commemorative gift and tour leader. Excludes flights. Departs April 21.

> £500 SAN FRANCISCO AND LAS VEGAS A four-night trip is £699pp with Travelbag (0871 7034240; travelbag.co.uk). Includes three-star, B&B accommodation and flights from London Heathrow. Book by February 29; valid for travel throughout March. TURKEY A 16-day tour is now £599pp (save 25 per cent) with Travel Talk (0208 0998852, traveltalktours.com). Visiting Istanbul, Gallipoli, Cappadocia, sailing on a gulet, and more. Includes accommodation, most meals, and guide. Excludes flights and local payment. Book by March 2; departs May 12. CAPE TOWN A five-night trip to Cape Town is £769pp with Travelbag (0871 7034240; travelbag.co.uk). Includes five nights’ four-star, B&B accommodation and flights from London Heathrow. Book by March 15; valid for travel between May 1 and June 30.

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ANZAC A two-day Anzac Day tour is now £84pp (save 15 per cent) with Travel Talk (0208 0998852; traveltalktours.com). Visiting Istanbul, Gallipoli, and more. Includes coach travel, experienced guides and commemorative T-shirt. Excludes flights. Book by March 2; departs April 24. AMSTERDAM A three-day tour is £189pp with Anderson Tours (020 74369304; andersontours.co.uk). Includes return travel by coach and ferry, two nights’ B&B accommodation, sightseeing tour, visit to a cheese and clog farm, and a half-day in Belgium. Departs February 24. LANZAROTE A seven-night trip is £209pp (save £24pp) with Flight Centre (0844 8008624; flightcentre.co.uk) quoting reference ACELONPAC1. Includes seven nights’ three-star accommodation and flights. Book by February 29; departs April 15. BARCELONA A three-night trip is £189pp with lowcostholidays.com (0800 1116271). Includes four-star, B&B accommodation and flights. Departs March 5. EGYPT A nine-day tour of Egypt is £164pp (was £205pp) with Topdeck (topdeck.travel). Includes accommodation, excursions, tour guides, and two nights aboard a felucca. Excludes flights, local payment and entrance fees. Departs February 25.

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RUTH ROXANNE BOARD Talks travel photography

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HOT TIPS: Low light Shooting in low light without a flash can be tricky. The main rules for digital photography are to use a fast ISO (1000-1600 or higher if you can), and a fast lens (f1.8 or lower). This combination of settings can help you capture that nighttime cityscape by artificial light. Shooting at dawn or dusk can give you a small but amazing

window to shoot a common subject matter in a new light. To avoid camera shake you will need to keep your shutter speed to 1/60, or shoot on a semiautomatic setting. Depending on your situation, consider making use of a tripod. This will ensure sharp results, even while employing the longest of exposures.

WINNER LONDON EYE Giovanna Tucker, Christchurch, New Zealand

WHY IT WORKS The London Eye is a popular choice for photographers, but this long exposure of South Bank at night brings a more creative perspective. The scene has a dreamlike quality: the orange glow from the light pollution creates purples and blues in the night sky, as the reflection of County Hall becomes blurred in the Thames. The London Eye itself is shot as one continuous wheel, resembling a Catherine wheel whizzing round at top speed.

RUNNER-UP TRANQUIL Craig Hillier, Australia

RUNNER-UP

WHY IT WORKS This image appears to be extremely simple. There is the sky, the horizon and the sea. There is, however, a beautiful gradient of colour as the sun starts to rise just below the horizon. Pastel red and orange light comes into contact with the dark and calm sea. This is the moment of calm before the storm. A THREE-DAY TOUR OF SCOTLAND AND A PHOTOGRAPHY COURSE Upload your images to tntmagazine.com/hotshots First prize is a three-day tour of Scotland for two worth ÂŁ218 from Haggis Adventures (haggisadventures.com). Must be taken within three months of receiving prize letter. The runner-up wins a ÂŁ60 photography course voucher from Nigel Wilson Photography (photographycourses.org.uk).

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TOP FIVE

US NATIONAL PARKS

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Adventurer’s delight: hey, if it’s good enough for the president ...

ACADIA, MAINE

original adventures since 1972

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Hugging the rugged Maine shoreline, Acadia National Park is one of the most recreationally diverse retreats in the US. Here, you can scale pink granite cliffs, venture across islands, canoe up quiet creeks, hike bald mountains, or sea kayak through rocky isles. Even when it freezes, you can try cross-country skiing, snowshoeing, or ice fishing. Encompassing more than 47,000 terrifically diverse acres on Mount Desert Island, just off the coast of Maine, Acadia is not only a playground for outdoors enthusiasts, it’s also a haven for wild- and sealife. Everything from white-tailed deer to moose and whales frolic in its ocean, woodlands, peaks and glacial lakes. The park is best explored over a couple of days, pitching a tent at the Seawall campground, and hiking its stunning trails, then diving headlong into more adventurous pursuits. For a meaty 17km hike, try the route on the island’s eastern half, linking the peaks from Gorham Mountain to Norumbega Mountain, beside Somes Sound Fjord. Alternatively, an early morning trek to Sargent Mountain will reward you with arresting sunrise views. For something more sea-level, take an 18km Seal Cove to Clark Cove kayak tour in Southwest Harbour, where the rugged granite coast is dotted with pristine coves to explore. You can also dabble in some rock climbing – lessons are available – or hire a bike and cruise the park’s historic carriage roads, stopping for a regionally famous pick-me-up, ‘popovers’ – a buttery kind of Yorkshire pudding – along the way. Finally, take a whale-watching boat tour, floating along the ocean surrounded by Maine’s famous lighthouses. Spot one of the giant mammals and it will rank among your journey’s highlights. nps.gov/acad

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ACADIA, MAINE

Treat Someone You Love KINGSLEIGH

ROCKY MOUNTAINS, COLORADO

The loftiest of all the US national parks, this is a mecca for climbing, scrambling and hiking, with a lifetime’s worth of high spots to explore. You’ll get an idea by tackling the 26km ‘Mummy Grand Slam’ hike, which traverses the wide-open tundra at the north end. Dodge herds of elk and bighorn sheep as you dip down to alpine lakes, then peer over mountain edges at the end of the Chapin Pass trailhead for vertiginous views. nps.gov/romo

Photos: Thinkstock; Malmaison Hotels & Brasseries

YELLOWSTONE, WYOMING

At 350km², the US’s first national park is so vast there are regions beyond its familiar waterfalls and geysers that many people have no idea exist. However, when time is of the essence, there are some experiences you can’t miss. Hike up Yellowstone’s peaks and keep a keen eye out for the Druid Peak wolf pack. Then, take a paddleboat along the river, marvelling at the sandhill cranes, bald eagles, ospreys and peregrine falcons as you approach the delta. It’s a menagerie! nps.gov/yell

INN BED AND YOSEMITE, CALIFORNIA

Yosemite’s high peaks and cathedrallike valleys are among the world’s finest natural treasures. Take a climb to escape the crowds and witness a dazzling landscape of luminous, finegrained granite domes that break up rolling meadows. Various trails – including the 51km ‘Range of Light’ loop – will help you conquer the rockery. Then, cool off in the natural swimming holes. nps.gov/yose

GRAND CANYON, ARIZONA

BREAKFAST

Casual Elegance Overlooking the Harbor

Southwest Harbor, Maine www.kingsleighinn.com

So spectacular is this natural wonder that people have stood at its top and wept at the view. The beauty of the Grand Canyon can be taken in from several perspectives: from the top, midway down, and from the Colorado River, after you’ve navigated its challenging trails and even taken on its rapids. Take the path from rim to water and you’ll see the biggest peaks, the deepest canyons and the steepest edges. Camping? You’ll need to book at least two years ahead.

relax@kingsleighinn.com +01 207-244-5302

NEXT WEEK The top 5 South America experiences

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Go gorilla-trekking in Uganda

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READERS’ TIPS

YOU ASKED FOR IT... LAURA LINDSAY FROM LONELY PLANET

planning on doing a 43-day Q I’m overland tour from Nairobi to Cape Town. I also want to visit either Uganda or Rwanda on my own in advance, and go on a gorilla trek for three or so days. Which places in either Uganda and Rwanda, are best to see gorillas? Sarah, via email

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organised trips and would like it to be more of an independent thing. I would love to stay at a small temple in a nice, green, quiet area, preferably in the south. Do you have any recommendations? Izabela, via email sounds like you’re after a stay at an A Itashram. An ashram is a spiritual retreat, where residents take on spiritual learning and physical exercise in the form of yoga. In Southern India, Kerala would suit you. The Sivananda Yoga Vedanta Dhanwantari ashram (sivananda.org/neyyardam) is less than 30 miles from Kerala’s capital, Trivandrum. When you arrive, you could opt for a taxi, but buses run to walking distance from the ashram. Take a taxi from the airport to Trivandrum bus station (about four miles) and hop on the bus to Kattakada/ Neyyar Dam (you may need to change in Kattakada). The bus costs less than £1. The ashram is a 1km walk from the Neyyar Dam bus stop. The ashram itself is located on the edges of the lush, green western ghats, so should provide the serene location you’re looking for. You must visit the ashram for a minimum of three days and the yoga courses last for two weeks. The demanding schedule includes yoga and meditation from 5.30am-10pm. Your stay will cost around £5pn (£20pn with air con), but you will be expected to help with tasks at the ashram for an hour every day, too.

POWER TO THE PEOPLE Take a powerboard with four or six outlets when you go backpacking. Then, you can share it with other travellers of the same nationality (stopping the fighting over the power outlets in the wall), or charge your phone, camera, laptop and dry your hair all in one go (no more flat batteries – yay!). Belinda Goode, via Facebook

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is easier to manage independently. A Uganda Tourism is common and the capital, Kampala is a relatively safe city to be based in. Furthermore, as your priority is to see the gorillas, heading to Bwindi Impenetrable Forest National Park – where almost half of the world’s mountain gorillas resides – makes sense. ecurity officials may accompany your tour, but this is fairly common. You should avoid tours that continue over the border into the Democratic Republic of The Congo. It’s also advised that you have a good read of ugandawildlife.org for up-to-date security information before visiting any national park. Make sure you apply for your gorilla-trekking permit well in advance (through a reputable tour operator or the Uganda Wildlife Authority office in Kampala). I’d recommend taking an organised tour from Kampala, as you don’t have enough time to travel by public transport to Bwindi. Both Rwanda and Uganda have no-go areas that you need to be aware of. Check out fco.gov.uk to ensure that you are up to speed with the most recent restrictions.

thinking of going on a spiritual Q I’m holiday to India. I’m not a big fan of

BOX IT UP TIP Keep a ‘travel box’ at home OF THE with everything you may WEEK need for trips, so that you don’t have to go looking all over the place and try to remember what you might have forgotten when packing – because it’s all in the box! (Bandaids, safety pins, padlocks, power converters, tissues, sunscreen, insect repellent, hair ties, plastic bags, etc). Ruchi Sheoran, via email

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A TRIP FOR TWO TO BATH & STONEHENGE

Been somewhere good lately? Send us a horizontal photo of yourself with a copy of TNT from anywhere around the world and, if we print it, you’ll win a trip for two to Bath and Stonehenge with Anderson Tours, valued at £104! » Email your pictures to ontheroad@ tntmagazine.com along with your name, where you’re from and where the photo was taken, or see tntmagazine.com/world. Files must be at least 500Kb.

BRUGES, BELGIUM Steven O’Donnell, from Australia

BEST / WORST TRIP

THE TRAVELLER

COBY RICHARDSON, 25

SOPHIE WATKINSON, 23

London, England

Ipswich, England

BEST I went camping in Glen Affric, Scotland, with my boyfriend. It was a really remote area with hardly any tourists, so we saw some amazing wildlife, such as deer and eagles. It had all the ingredients for the worst trip – freezing cold and raining the whole time – but it forced us to bond, and we decided to move in together afterwards. WORST A family vacation to Corfu, Greece. We were there for two weeks and it was unbearably hot. There was no air con and we had to stay indoors most of the time!

Most memorable travel experience? I went to India when I was 17, and it is an entirely different culture from the UK. The poverty is more in-your-face and it was a really new experience for me. Essential travel item? Moisturiser. It takes care of everything – sunburn, dry skin, you name it. Ideal travel partner? The entire England national rugby team. Top travel tip? Learn the basics of the local language.

» Tell us your best/worst trips, email laura.chubb@tntmagazine.com

Photos: Thinkstock; TNT

SPLASHING OUT

COWBOY COUNTRY Take a tour of the Rocky Mountains, stopping off in Colorado, Wyoming, and Utah. As well as getting to know the western frontier, you’ll get to see a real, action-packed rodeo. A 14-day tour is US$1699pp (about £1070pp) with YMT Vacations (001 800 922 9000; ymtvacations.com). Departs July 25.

THE INSIDER

COURTNEY SMITH Operations assistant Topdeck Travel

My first ever big trip was an incredible safari in South Africa with my family. And my first big trip with friends was driving around New Zealand’s stunning South Island in a mini-van. My most challenging travel experience was leaving my home, job, family and friends to move to London at the age of 20, with no real idea of what I was going to do next. My favourite place in the world is Moffat Beach, on Queensland’s sunshine coast. It’s a beautiful place and I have so many great memories from there. The next trip on my travel wishlist is Bordeaux at Easter, Turkey for ANZAC Day, and Croatia sailing in summer. A lot of my savings are going towards flights. I’m also looking forward to heading to Egypt at the end of the year. My guilty travel pleasure is a good night’s sleep. Even if it means being lame and bailing on a night out. I just need sleep to function! TNTMAGAZINE.COM

[Caption] Bled – with its castle on the lake – is an adrenaline junkie’s dream

EUROPE

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o se of n th as B on & e pr s t B i ice he n o m EMBRACE DIFFERENT ed ur SEASONS IN AMBIANCE ho te l HOTEL TABOR MARIBOR SLOVENIA www.hoteltabor-maribor.si/en

Slovenia

Spring energy at its peak.

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Glorious winter experience

Explosion of autumn colours.

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CROATIA

GETTING GETTING THERE THERE Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Fly direct from London Stansted to Ljubljana from £87 return with Ryanair. (ryanair.com) Enjoy the special ambiance of the family run city hotel for individuals with an active lifestyle. Hotel is theme-aligned to a season, offering you a relaxed and comfortable stay in seasonal themed single to family hotel rooms to create a memorable experience throughout the year. We offer 24/7 all the latest information on the “what to do/see” and forthcoming events in Maribor. Simply call +386 2 42 16 410 or e-mail info@hoteltabor-maribor.si | skype: hotel.tabor.maribor

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Small wonder Trek forests, sleep in rustic mountain huts and fling yourself from cliffs, all in one short trip. Slovenia proves that big isn’t always better WORDS KATIE MONK

“You want to stay nice and straight, like an arrow. That way you’ll float to the surface.” There are some things you sign up for in life where it’s best not to know what you’re getting into. Canyoning is one. I’m only trying it because a girl I met the day before in Bled told me it was a life-changing experience. And that, for me, is like a red rag to a bull. Canyoning has only been on the scene in Slovenia for the past few years, but it’s fast becoming a must-try activity. It involves climbing, jumping, abseiling and swimming through natural mountain watercourses. The area around Bled, at the foot of the Julian Alps, is perfect for such things. It’s what my guide calls “god’s own water park”. Luckily, ‘Canyoning Bob’, aka Robert Žerovec, is the best in the business, and, during the course of our day, takes us swimming through underwater holes, sliding down waterfalls and abseiling concave cliffs. For the finale, we plunge 12ft into a turquoise pool that wouldn’t have looked out of place in The Beach. “Lastly,” he shouts, “I want you to walk into that fastflowing river over there, lie down on your backs with your feet in front of you, and let the water carry you back to the car park.” It’s madness, I tell you. But really fun madness. Roughly the size of Wales, and half the size of Switzerland, Slovenia is a pocket-sized wonder. The Alps run along the north; pristine lakes, karst caves and forests abound in the middle; and there’s a snippet of Adriatic coastline to the west. Bled – the backpacking hub, famous for its picture-postcard castle on the lake – is an adrenaline junkie’s dream. Paragliding, skydiving, white-water rafting ... you name it, you can do it here. It’s also cheap by European standards, and jaw-droppingly beautiful. I arrive by bus from Istria, after camping on the Croatian coast. And I’m soon making friends. In Ljubljana, I meet the Environment Centre’s Nina, who lends me a bright orange bike. Each day I return, chat about politics (the country is, as we speak, forming a new government), then borrow the bike. Slovenes are a friendly bunch, speak excellent English, and are passionate about their environment. Rightly so, living in third most forested country in Europe, with more than half the land covered in trees. Bohinj, a lake resort on the edge of the Triglav National Park, is only an hour from Ljubljana by bus. The huge lake is surrounded by forested hills; on one side is a campsite, where

I pitch my tent to rest up before embarking on a trek. Even in August, Bohinj gets pretty darn chilly once the sun goes down, so take extra clothes and blankets. But it’s worth it to sleep under the stars, and wake to see mist rolling up off the lake. The water here is so clear, I can see my own shadow on the lake bed while I swim.

“

‘Canyoning Bob’ is the best in the business

”

The Julian Alps have miles of trails to explore, and Triglav, the country’s highest peak at 2864m, is a popular twoor three-day trip. But there are infinite routes to try, and mountain huts (called koca or dom) in which to sleep or eat. They’re independent, family-run affairs, and are only an ›› hour or so apart. Most have private rooms and dorms

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to rent (about £15pn), some have showers, and all have cosy kitchens where you can refuel on traditional mountain dishes, cooked by a Slovene mother or grandmother hunched over an elaborate stove. I set off from the campsite without a fixed plan, but end up trekking for three days by myself. On my first night I’m the only guest in the whole hut; on my second, I share a dorm with six other people. Not many people speak English out here, but thankfully Nina from Ljubljana has written me a list of foods to eat in the mountains, so everywhere I go I point to my piece of paper, and see what appears. I try ricet – a thick barley stew; Štruklji – curd-filled pancakes; and the best homemade soup ever. On my last day, I stumble upon the cottage of a lady who keeps goats, and sells all manner of cheese from her garden. I sit there for hours watching her round up the animals into a pen, while I sip Turkish coffee in the sunshine, devouring homemade cheesecake. It feels like something from a fairy tale. But that just about sums up Slovenia. ❚ Katie went canyoning with Triglav Adventures. A three-hour canyoning trip costs €55 (£45); rafting, river tubing, mountainbiking, skydiving and more are also available 3glav-adventures.com

rooms-wellness-restaurant-tennis

Alp penzion Bled | Cankarjeva cesta 20a | 4260 Bled | Slovenia www.alp-penzion.com | Tel: 00386 (0)4 5741 614

NEXT WEEK What is there to party province Valencia besides fire and tomatoes?

MIDRANGE

LUXURY

Just next door to the Planincek Café in Bled, Pekarna Planika does fresh pastries and bureks (layered savoury pie), which you can eat in the cafe, or take away for your lakeside picnic. While you’re at it, stock up on the famous kremšnita cream cakes at the Hotel Park. (Triglavska cesta 43, Bled; pekarna-planika.si)

Perched up the hillside, away from Lake Bled, Pizzeria Rustika is a solid bet for a decent pizza and bottle of local beer. It’s close to most of the hostels and the terrace is a busy hangout in summertime. Downstairs is cosy and rustic in the winter. (pizzeria-rustika.com)

Wine is a big deal in Slovenia, and Hiša Franko, near historic Kobarid, has a seriously impressive cellar, as well as mind-blowing food. Run by husband-and-wife team Ana (chef) and Valter (sommelier), it’s guaranteed to be a life-changing culinary experience. (hisafranko.com)

DRINK

Irish Pub is a popular haunt for backpackers, and a fun place to hang out and meet fellow travellers. It does a good Guinness on tap and can get rowdy at the weekends – especially on the terrace. Just the thing for end-of-canyoning-day celebrations. (Cesta Svobode 8a Pristava, Bled)

Cafe by day, wine bar by night, Dvorni in Ljubljna is the best place to try some of Slovenia’s finest vintages, which rival anything made in its neighbouring countries. It’s a shame they keep most of the plonk to themselves, but then again, that’s another good reason to visit. They do good tapas too. (dvornibar.net)

Probably the classiest lakeside spot to drink in Bled, Vila Prešeren is a contemporary lounge bar with a chilled outdoor deck facing the water and comfy sofas on which to chillax. Grab a cocktail, a glass of Slovenian wine, an ice-cream or all three and watch the boats go by. (Vila Prešeren, Veslaška promenada 14; villa-preseren.com)

SLEEP

No stay would be complete without a night in Hostel Celica – a former prison in the hip Metelkova area of Ljubljana, known for its squat parties and live music. A group of 80 artists transformed the 20 cells into modern comfy bedrooms and dorms, and there are live music nights and group meals. From €19 (£15) per night. (hostelcelica.com)

Family-run and close to Lake Bohinj, Penzion Gasperin is an Alpinestyle guesthouse. It’s an affordable place to recoup after your trek in the mountains. From €52 (£43) per night. (bohinj.si)

Nebesa‘s four contemporary wooden cabins are just the ticket to play out all your Heidi fantasies. Glass walls and terraces maximise mountain views and a wellness centre sorts out post-hike fatigue. From €220 (about £180) a day for a whole house near Lobarid. (thinkslovenia.com)

EAT

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Photos: 3glav-adventures.com, Slovenia Tourist Board, Thinkstock

BUDGET

TUSCANY IN 48 HOURS /72

GOURMET HOLIDAY IN TUSCANY AUTHENTIC COOKERY COURSES Arianna & Friends srl Tour Operator in Tuscany tel e fax: +39 0587 672088 www.ariannandfriends.com info@ariannandfriends.com

Cycling Around San Gimignano San Gimignano is a treasure on the hill and a jewel of Tuscany, wonderful for cycling and exploring. With its thirteen outstanding medieval towers, it s clear why the town is on the UNESCO World Heritage List. You ll ride among fields of sunflowers under the Tuscan sun and along cypress-lined country roads, through olive groves and vineyards which produce some of the world s finest olive oil and wine. You shall savor the flavor of these ingredients in the outstanding local cuisine. Travel back to Etruscan and Roman times, from one picturesque hilltop to the next, each with its own history and charisma. Pinch yourself, this is the real thing.

Enjoy Florence with us!

A superbly central location and friendly welcoming atmosphere combined with a stylish designer décor make Hotel Perseo a perfect place to stay when visiting Florence

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We want to share “Our Tuscany” with you...

Trip Highlights: * San Gimignano UNESCO world heritage town * Stay in a charming Tuscan farmhouse with pool * Quiet roads and quintessential strade bianche * Wonderful landscapes with vineyards, cypress-lined roads and olive groves * Authentic country towns & villages

Tuscany Car Tours is a car company that organize several exciting private tours through Italy and specialized in Tuscany’s most majestic cities such as Siena, Florence, Pisa, Lucca and the Chianti area. We are very flexible and we like to customize our tours according to our customers interest, and travel preferences.

Duration: 5 days Price from: ¤320/person Challenge: Moderate on hilly terrain, some shade on the roads (Daily ascents of 400-600m) riding on well-surfaced tarmac country lanes, secondary roads and 1/3 of the time on good dirt roads

Lodging: You spend the week on a real & characteristic Tuscan farm with spectacular views and a swimming pool in the hamlet of San Donato 5 km from San Gimignano.

T +39 055 2345334 W www.s-cape.eu

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TRAVELWEEKENDER

The Italian job This is Tuscany in 48 hours WORDS LAURA CHUBB

DAY 1: 09:00 The very embodiment of rustic-chic, this region on Italy’s west coast is a desirable destination for those in search of a little Euro-refinement; think rolling vineyards, fine wines, and exquisite Renaissance art. The Tuscan capital of Florence is a logical starting point for your explorations, and the Florence Youth Hostel (hostelbookers.com) makes a well-located and friendly base – though be warned, this isn’t a party hostel. It does, however, offer a massive breakfast that will see you through a day of pavement pounding. From about £11pppn for a shared dorm. 10:00 Start with the city’s most famous sight: the Ponte Vecchio (Via de Guicciardino Piazza della Signoria). Straddling the River Arno that flows through Tuscany, a row of brightly coloured, boxy shops have been haphazardly built along the edge of this medieval bridge, and some of them are rather riskily jutting out over the water. 10:30 From here, you can enjoy a walking tour of Florence’s finest sights. First, check out the Piazza della Repubblica, where a long line of tourists will be queuing to rub the nose of the bronze boar by Fontana del Porcellino. The schnozz has acquired a shine due to its years of molestation, and it’s good luck if you then place a coin in the boar’s mouth. 11:00 The Piazza della Signoria is a tourist-packed public square host to a number of impressive sculptures: spot Perseus holding up Medusa’s severed head, and the 16th-century Fountain of Neptune. 12:00 Now it’s time to bring out the big guns and hit up Galleria degli Uffizi (Piazza degli Uffizi 6; admission about £5). Florence is widely regarded as the birthplace 72

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of the Renaissance – some call it the Athens of the Middle Ages – and this massive museum houses more than 50 rooms displaying some of the greatest masterpieces of the 12th17th centuries. It’s heaving with people and quite frankly knackering, so pre-book, try to be selective, and head up to the rooftop café for coffee when you start to flag. 15:00 Get some fresh air and walk over to Trattoria Coco Lezzone (Via Parioncino 26r Santa Maria Novella). This tiny eatery does a tasty Tuscan soup made with bread, cannellini beans and vegetables – more than enough to set you up until dinner. 16:00 Your final stop is Galleria dell’Accademia (Via Ricasoli 60; admission about £5). Though the collection here includes works by the likes of Botticelli, there’s just one piece that everyone’s here to see – Michelangelo’s David. 18:00 Start the evening at Libreria Café la Cite (Borgo San Frediano 20r). The café-cum-bookstore is all subdued espressos and intellectual types leafing through tomes by day, but there’s live music and cocktails on Friday and Saturday nights. You can grab a bite here, too. 22:00 Depending on your tastes, you can then wobble onwards to either Central Park (Via Fosso Macinante 2) – with two outdoor dancefloors, VIP lounge and artificial waterfall – or Joshua Tree (Via della Scala 41 Santa Maria Novella), a rowdy tavern with not a roped-off area in sight. DAY 2: 08:00 Get an early start in order to maximise your time in another of Tuscany’s tourist strongholds, Pisa, which is just over an hour from Florence by train. Tickets cost about £4 one-way (italiarail.com).

HORSE BACK RIDING

Photos: Getty

10:30 You may as well start with the big draw. Construction on the Leaning Tower (Centro Piazza dei Miracoli; admission about £12) began in 1173, and a combination of poor foundations and weak soil saw it begin to tilt as building on the second floor progressed in 1178. Pre-booking tickets is a couple of quid more expensive, but will allow you to skip an hours-long queue (opapisa.it/boxoffice/index). 12:00 Pre-lunch activities could include a trip to the Duomo (Centro Piazza dei Miracoli), or cathedral, with its striking elliptical dome, and the cemetery (Centro, 56126 Piazza dei Miracoli), a beautiful spot enclosed by cloistered walls. 13:00 Try Babette Food and Art Café (Lungarno Mediceo 15) for a snack. Surrounded by local art and exposed-brick walls, you’ll feel suitably hip. 14:00 After lunch, relax on a river cruise along the Arno (ilnavicello.it), or traipse up 200 steps to the Torre Guelfa (Piazza Tersanaia Centro), giving great views over Pisa. Then it’s time to catch the train back to Florence. 20:00 End a busy 48 hours with dinner at L’Osteria di Giovanni (Via del Moro 22). Eat the typical Tuscan way, starting with antipasto, moving onto pasta, and then a meaty main course. End with cantucci biscuits dipped in dessert wine; the lot shouldn’t cost more than £40. If you’ve more time to spend in Tuscany, we recommend heading to Lucca and then exploring the Apuane Alps. But if a weekend is all you have, consider this an Italian job well done. Return flights from London Gatwick to Florence (2hrs10mins) start at about £96 with Meridiana meridiana.it/en

Visit Tuscany with us!

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Egypt NORTH AFRICA

CAIRO

River Nile Luxor

EGYPT Aswan

“Ancient Pyramids? Bothered ... “ 74

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GETTING THERE Return flights from London Heathrow to Cairo cost from £354 return with BMI (flybmi.com).

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BIGTRIP

Follow the revolution A year after protests began in Egypt, we explore the fun, the beauty and the uncertainty of a country still in flux WORDS CLARE VOOGHT

WHEN TO GO: Visit Frombetween October to April temperatures October and April andaren’t the too There’s a man cradling a large gun, sitting door between their feet. Inside, I wander stifling. But you temperature isn’tcan tooget stiflaing. sweet But directly in front of me. It’s also 2am and I’m around, marvelling at the walls of colourful deal in from May thetolow September season, from you can Juneget hieroglyphics and images that tell stories on a bus in the middle of the desert. I’d be to September, some sweet deals, so book if you then don’t if you’re mind about the pharaoh’s reign over Ancient lying if I said I didn’t feel a little uneasy up for braving braving the heat. theTourist heat. sites will but, luckily, this guy isn’t a threat – he’s Egypt. When I emerge, the sun shoots also be less crowded a policeman, here to protect me and my tour above the hills across the lake, creating CURRENCY: £1 =then. 9.50 EGP group from hijackers and terrorists. But I’m a spectacular scene. ACCOMMODATION: CURRENCY: £1 = 9.5 EGP still not sleeping tonight. Of all Egypt’s temples and historic sites, Room rates have been low since ACCOMMODATION: Room The casual observer may ask what any the revolution, tourism rates have beenasdirt cheapissince the I find this one the most epic. It might be sane person is doing in the middle of a controversial, but I’m more impressed by understandably far fromForbooming. start of the revolution. a mere desert in the small hours, when a guy with this than the Pyramids, thanks to the vibrant You can get a you double the £41 per night canroom get aatdouble a gun is necessary to protect you. Well, the inner-wall inscriptions, which the Great five star Pyramids Park Resort in room in the five-star Pyramids Park likelihood of anything actually happening Pyramid doesn’t have. It’s also because of the Cairo for cheap Resort in aCairo, or£41 you per cannight, get into is pretty small, but having an armed escort sunrise – with peach hues bouncing off the or athree-star double room at Nile the three the Nuba Hotelstar in does feel pretty glamorous. I’m on my way stone, Abu Simbel is peaceful and beautiful. Nuba Nile Hotel Aswan Aswan from £19inper night.costs See to Abu Simbel – two massive temples carved It’s easy to see why, twice a year – during its from £19per night (booking.com). booking.com. into rock on the banks of Lake Nasser, near festivals in February and October – people SEE: egypt.travel the Sudan border. I left Aswan, Egypt's most come to see the new day’s sun pierce the southern city, in the middle of the night to catch the sunrise, main temple corridor and illuminate the inside. Rameses which I’m told is going to be worth the 1am wake-up call. II had the tribute built so it would happen once on the To think that the requirement for travellers to be anniversary of his ascension to the throne and again on his accompanied by an armed police escort is a new one, birthday (although, as the temple had to be moved to avoid brought in since the revolution started, would be wrong flooding when Aswan’s High Dam was built across the Nile, – it was common practice before, as it is in other African it’s now a day later). and Middle Eastern countries. But that’s not to say things The Pyramids are still well worth a visit, though – the in Egypt aren’t different since the 2010 uprising that led to feats of ancient architecture are one of the world’s Seven the toppling of President Hosni Mubarak and the National Wonders for a reason. These enormous stone constructions Democratic Party. Visiting the country is best done by rising from the desert on the edge of Cairo, guarded by the following the ‘safety in numbers’ philosophy and travelling mighty Sphinx, are big and baffling. And when I arrive in with a tour group – especially since two American and peak season, the usually swarming tourist hotspot is dead. three Korean tourists were kidnapped by armed tribesmen With less than 100 visitors (my tour group included), we have attempting to assert their power in the Sinai peninsula at the the Pyramids almost to ourselves: no queues, and no jostling beginning of this month. to see them. But despite its problems, Egypt is generally safe for travel, I am, however, stalked by the street-hawkers, or ‘hasslers’ providing you stay away from demonstrations and protests. (as my guide, Ahlam, calls them) selling postcards and other And, on the flipside, it’s a great time to visit: tourists aren’t tourist junk. They shout “Michael Jordan”, “Shakira” and my exactly arriving in droves, hotels are cheap, and the Ancient personal favourite, “Spice Girl”, to get attention and flatter Egyptian sites are empty – so no queues. the group into making purchases. It’s not long before I Back at Abu Simbel, the stone-cut temple is deserted encounter the old chestnut – “How many camels … ?” as I arrive. The four figures of Rameses II loom out of the It works on some, but I find it too intense and perfect ›› darkness as I enter the temple through a comparatively tiny a ‘look at the floor’ technique that means I’m quickly left TNTMAGAZINE.COM

Clockwise from above: the felucca beach party; Abu Simbel; a snake charmer in Luxor; spices for sale at Aswan market; a felucca on the Nile

alone. Others opt for sticking their fingers in their ears and shouting “la, la, la”, which conveniently translates to “no, no, no”. A guy from my group foolishly engages in conversation and soon has his picture taken with a camel, which he is then led away on. He returns 10 minutes later with his wallet EGP200 (£20) lighter. On the desert side of the Pyramids, camel rides are EGP60 (£6), and the rest of the group jumps on smugly for an uncomfortable but awesome view of the Giza landscape. Egypt has so many breathtaking ancient historical sites, I still feel slightly guilty for picking a favourite. The Philae Temple, built on an island in Lake Nasser near Aswan, is dedicated to Isis – the goddess of magic and life – and is also an awesome sight, as its clean lines and smooth intact columns reflect in the water. And further north, the Temple of Karnak in Luxor’s USP is its size: it’s the biggest ancient religious site in the world. Obelisks and altars surround a sacred lake and you can lose yourself in a room of wide, imposing columns. When it’s time for a felucca cruise, I’m ready to drink beer and do sweet FA for two days, while the wind pushes the craft up the Nile. Ahlam rounds up the group to lay down some ground rules. We can do anything we want, but the crew are pretty conservative. So, he says – looking at the couple who are on their honeymoon – “no fucking on the felucca”. Fair play. I crack open a beer and kick back as the boat zig-zags up the waterway. Lying on the deck with booze and book in hand, as music plays through a retro boom box, I forget anything else exists for the rest of the day. Before it gets dark, the skipper moors for dinner 76

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– flatbreads, potatoes, soups and stews. Tonight, the group stops off at the Nubian-run ‘Adam House’, where travellers can enjoy tea and sheesha on comfy cushions, and get henna tattoos for 2EGP (20p) a pop. When the sheesha burns out, we all head back to the felucca and unravel our sleeping bags for a night under the stars. I’d been apprehensive about camping out on a boat deck,

The Great Sphinx of Giza, guarding the Pyramids

a couple of feet above the murky river with just sheets for walls (especially knowing that mozzies like water). But I’m so chilled out from the day’s lounging, I’m asleep in seconds. I wake to the sunrise and spend the next day exactly the same way as the previous one, with an added dip in the Nile’s chilly February water for the brave ones in our group. That evening, the group stops off at our own private Nile beach, and, after dinner, the crew light a bonfire before cracking out guitars and drums and playing some traditional Nubian tunes. They get us all dancing, and we sing songs from home – I Still Call Australia Home for the Aussies; Spice Girls’ Wannabe and Oasis’ Wonderwall for the Brits. The morning brings a drive north to Luxor. As amazing as the felucca experience was, the lack of bathrooms makes the five-star St George Hotel a happy sight. And as there aren’t many tourists in Egypt right now, our group gets to stay in places like this for the usual tour price. From here, it’s a visit to the Valley of the Kings – in the desert outside Luxor – where pharaohs such as Tutankhamun were buried in rock-cut tombs. Cairo-bound again that evening, I’m further reminded of the unrest. My night train has to stop for four hours because protesters are on the line, voicing their anger at food and fuel shortages. And, two days after the football violence in Port Said that left at least 74 people dead, I’m not sure what to expect in Cairo during the country’s three days of mourning.

Hatem Keshk

The Insider's guide Hatem Keshk, a specialist tour guide for On The Go, gives his tips on how to have the best time in Egypt.

“

Protesters are on the train line

”

But the city is as hectic as always. Bricks fall off lorries, donkeys pull carts piled high with vegetables, camels are parked up next to vehicles or tied up in the back of trucks. Beeping cars weave dangerously close to each other on highways with unmarked lanes. It’s straight to the Egyptian Museum, which is overlooked by deserted hotels and the burnt-out National Democratic ››

Do you have any advice for those who are nervous following the revolution? It’s actually the best time to travel, as you can really explore the sites and take photos without thousands of other tourists getting in your shot. I’m not worried about security, as the protests are contained to a small area in downtown Cairo. Where should you go for a taste of real Egyptian life? Sailing by felucca along the Nile and stopping at the local villages, where an impromptu game of football often begins! What’s a place most tourists don’t know about? Siwa Oasis. It was isolated for centuries by miles of rolling sand dunes and only became accessible by car in the Eighties. Siwa still retains customs that are centuries old and residents remain largely untouched by the modern world and commercialised parts of Egypt. Because of this, respect is required when visiting – women are covered from head to toe at all times and sheer black fabric covers their faces. They’ll never touch or speak with a man that is not a relative. This makes paying for your bus fare a little challenging. But, the few tourists that go there receive the utmost respect, generosity and hospitality. Where’s the best place in Egypt for an adventure? Head out to the western oasis and take a 4x4 through the Great Sand Sea. Does Egypt have any secret party spots? Harry’s Pub in Zamalek, Cairo, has great karaoke on a Thursday night and the cocktails are mighty fine, too. Deals Nightclub nearby is the place to be on a Friday.

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Party headquarters. I’m just next to Tahrir Square, but I’m told it’s too dangerous to go and have a look. Thankfully, the museum is enough of a distraction. Inside, I see the glistening contents of Tutankhamun’s tomb at the Valley of the Kings – his gold mask, jewellery and sarcophagus. Heading back to the airport the next day, I catch another glimpse of Egyptian politics – my guide points out a police convoy of about 30 cars and vans taking Mubarak and his cronies from court to prison. The uncertain feeling is back, but it’s been worth it to see Egypt’s rich heritage – with no other tourists getting in the way of my pictures. ❚

Never miss an opportunity for a cheesy tourist photo in Egypt

Clare travelled on the King Tutankhamun tour with On The Go. The nine-day package costs from £349pp and includes accommodation, a guide, transport in Egypt and some meals. onthegotours.com

BEST FOR ... XXXX Xxxxxxx Top tip: Xxxxx MORE WAYS TO TRAVEL UP THE NILE Price: Xxxxxx See: xxxxx DAHABEYA SAILING BEST sailing These FOR ...boats XXXX were popular in the 20th century with Xxxxxxx who wanted to cruise the Nile in comfort. They aristocrats Top tip: also provide Xxxxx an intimate place to float along the river, as Price: Xxxxxx they’re small – with eight ensuite twin or double cabins with See: all the xxxxx mod cons, including TVs and mini-bars. There’s also a sun deck and barbecue up top. See: onthegotours.com

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Adam House, where felucca travellers can relax with sheesha

BY BICYCLE If you’ve got the stamina, travel up the Nile on two wheels. You’ll spend 10 days pedalling on the river banks, making stops at crucial ancient temples in Luxor. You’ll finish up resting your jelly legs in busy Cairo. See: blacktomato.co.uk STEAM SHIP Another good old-fashioned way to cruise along the ancient river is by 20th-century steam ship. Sail along in elegant Agatha Christie-style from Luxor to Aswan. See: steam-ship-sudan.com ON HORSEBACK Horsey types will be pleased to know you can also travel up the river on a saddle. You don’t have to commit to having a numb bum for too long – three-hour horse riding tours are available from Luxor. Get the train the rest of the way. See: luxortoursegypt.com

Photos: Thinkstock;TNT

Catch a steam boat up the waterway

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DESPERATELYSEEKING

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Post your message at tntmagazine.com/seeking or email seeking@tntmagazine.com. Text TNT and your message to 81707* Danish delight: You’re the wonderfully unkempt girl with Doc Martens and an embarrassed smile who orders a Danish pastry at the Belle Epoque Patisserie in Newington Green every Wednesday. I’m the gawky guy who’s always reading in the window. Macchiato? Mitten Smitten: To the charming young man who recovered my mittens from the floor of The Haggerston. You told me you worked “for the man”, then

Thank you for a lovely Valentine’s Day. I can’t wait to go away on our surprise trip. Thanks also for my gorgeous present, our great minds think alike :). Only five weeks left in London Town – I’m sure we’ll make the most of it! Love you lots and lots, Juzzy. P-Dog, you are the man: Who would have thought you would slay BOTH Jones sisters in the space of 36 hours. Better hope they don’t find out bro, or you

THINGS THE QUEEN SHOULD DO BEFORE SHE DIES

#467 Hit the Oscars red carpet with George. It’s gonna be one wild after-party

I knocked over my drink. I’m sorry about your trousers, let me make it up to you. Lost Mittens: Help! I’ve lost my fave pair of mittens, last seen somewhere around She Bu green/ outside the Walkie. I’m writing into TNT on the off chance someone has picked up my precious brightorange hand-warmers with cute heart-shaped buttons. If so, please get in contact – I can’t deal with the separation anxiety any longer! Thank you in advance, Jessie. To my hubby wubby: Jordi, you may be just the best husband ever!

are going to be one sorry mo-fo. Legend though cuzzy, absolute legend. From the boys at D-Block 458. Rock onnnn!!!! Très annoying: Emily, your Francophilia is becoming soooo boring. Just because the rest of us don’t want to starve ourselves and drop French words into every sentence doesn’t make us any less sophisticated. And what about that ever-creeping Gallic accent? Pretentious much? If this snobbery continues, you can … hmm, how to put this politely … get the fuck out. The crew at 32.

Oops, I did it again: I know it’s a bit late but sorry for forgetting Valentine’s Day, Erica. One afterwork pint turned into several with the lads. Then I woke up at Shoreditch cop shop. I’ll make it up to you, I promise. Dingo. Green for go: To the blonde girl with the pigtails I met at the traffic light party in Camden. I was red, but I should’ve been green, they’d run out of badges. See you same place same time next year, yeah? To the bloke in the badger outfit I met at Club de Fromage: You’ve still got my hat, gloves, and bra. Bring them back! I’ll be at the next cheese-fest, so see you there. Dan and Ash: Welcome to London! And thank you for getting my girlfriend so drunk on her birthday. She was sick on her library book on the way home. And yes, she did return it. Here’s to more east London fun times! Your local celebrity, L. Rib-eye steakinator: At least when I forget to buy you a Valentine’s Day card I don’t concoct ridiculous tales, like ‘I felt so sorry for the Big Issue man, I gave it to him and thought you’d appreciate the gesture.’ Pathetic. I was already in a huff over the flowers and chocolates that never arrived at the office in the end. Let me guess: the delivery guy gave them to his wife? You’re lucky your missus is forgiving ; ). Fig Tree. To the tattooed waitress at Kastner and Ovens: Did you get my flowers? Mushy, I know, but you melt my heart. Oli.

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To the She Bu crew who rock my world: Thanks for a great week in London and revisiting those crazy times. Love to my many Valentine’s dates – you know who you are. It was great to be back! Miss you all, love Yorkshire Rose. Jaq-Jaq-Jaquie: The sexyand-you-know-it dance friend at post-Waitangi pub crawl Walkie: You were great fun and I’m sorry I couldn’t walk you ALL the way home in the snow! Never know though, might just see your tightness on the dance floor once more. D-Stew. To our three favourite amigos: So sad that your time at Flat B, and London, is nearing the end. Thanks for all the bed-tipping and orphan family movie days. BJ, there’s a whole lot of red on your blue! Fry, this is my space now! Curli, how can you catch a cold in this weather? Looking forward to our orphan family reunion back in Oz. Squirt, Meg, Lettuce and Philthy. Finance me: I’ve had a massive schoolgirl crush on you for over a year. When you walk into the office my stomach flips and when I see you I think, ‘Fuck I’m going red’. Then I go more red. I have no control of the words that come from my mouth. Why am I so attracted to you? You aren’t remarkably good-looking but you seem like a really nice guy. Even if you are a Kiwi. Come and find me in the photocopier room, I’d like to negotiate certain work duties in your contract. From the HR girl.

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