TNT Magazine / Issue 1480 by TNT Magazine

January 9-15 2012 Issue 1480 tntmagazine.com

WIN!

AN ANZAC D AY TOUR WITH TRAVEL TAL K

THE SILENT TREATMENT Behind the scenes at London Mime Festival

QUIRKY SLEEPS Stay in the UK’s oddest hostels and weirdest hotels

MOVE OVER OLYMPICS The capital’s hottest events, minus the sport

N A M , T U O CHILL inter fest w 2 1 0 2 t s le urope’s coo E o t e id u g l Your essentia

ivals

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CAROL DRIVER EDITOR carol.driver@tntmagazine.com

EDITOR’S LETTER 2012 in London promises to be a spectacular year – and it’s not all about the Olympic Games, honest. Get out your diary, and flick to P8 where we reveal the very best events taking place in the capital this year. Sick of the weather? Just because it’s cold outside, doesn’t mean the fun has to stop. On P68 is your guide to Europe’s best winter festivals. And don’t forget to write about your trip on your myTNT blog – see tntmagazine.com for details.

THIS WEEK LONDONDIARY

4-5

LONDONNEWS

MY LONDON

DRINK & EATS

14-15

@TNT

COMPETITION

SPOTTED

LONDON SOUND

20-21

LISTINGS CLUB & GIGS

22-23

LONDON FOCUS

24-26

CHATROOM JOE SATRIANI LONDON SCENE

30-31

SPARE TIME

LIFESTYLE

33-41

SHOPPING

FEATURES CAPITAL ATTRACTIONS

The 2012 Games isn’t the only event in London this year. We show you more

HEALTH & BEAUTY

34-35

CAREERS

36-37

LIVING

40-41

NEWS & SPORT

42-53

Delve into the world of the mime artist. Words scarcely do it justice

TRAVEL

55-78

ARE THE POLICE RACIST?

SILENT ATTRACTION

NEWS

LATE DEALS

STRANGE DIGS

Complete your next journey with a few nights at the UK’s quirkiest hostels

TOP FIVE

64-65

TIPS & STUFF

66-67

48 HOURS IN...

72-73

BIG TRIP

74-78

CLASSIFIEDS

111-113

DESPERATELY SEEKING

114

DIARY

HOTSHOTS Photos: South Australian Tourism, Matt Hennem

As Stephen Lawrence’s killers are locked up, we examine the attitudes of the police

STAY COOL

Take your pick of the finest winter festivals in Europe, and a few beyond

SHARK SHOCK

Hit the icy waters of South Australia in search of the great white shark

24 TNTMAGAZINE.COM

EDITORIAL Editor Carol Driver Sub editor Jahn Vannisselroy Content editors: Acting Travel Laura Chubb Entertainment Alasdair Morton News & sport Tom Sturrock Web Frankie Mullin Staff writer Clare Vooght Staff writer/editorial assistant Rebecca Kent

LONDONDIARY

@tntmagazine

Weird enough to be absorbing?

DESIGN AND PRODUCTION Head of design and production Jon Cooke Graphic design manager Justine Mackay Acting picture researcher Ruth Board DIGITAL & IT Head of digital marketing and development Syed Ahmad Social Media Coordinator Dan Thorne IT manager Stephen Dann SALES Commercial director David Alstin Sales manager Jaqui Ward Classified Ad Manager Matt Syder Sales executives Tyler Harrison | Eddie Clinton | Donovan Smith | Michael Fair Sales administrator Abby Nightingale MARKETING & EVENTS Marketing and events assistant Phoebe Cherrill ACCOUNTS Margaret Roberts | Suzanne Welsh TNT MULTIMEDIA LTD CEO Kevin Ellis Chairman Ken Hurst PUBLISHER TNT Multimedia Limited DISTRIBUTION Emblem Direct Ltd PRINTED BY Wyndeham Peterborough Limited NEWS AAP SAPA NZPA PICTURES Getty Images, TNT Images, Thinkstock TNT Magazine , 10 Greycoat Place, London, SW1P 1SB tntmagazine.com General enquiries Phone 020 7960 6008 Fax 020 7960 6977 Email enquiries@tntmagazine.com SALES ENQUIRIES

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Shhh... SECRET LONDON LONDON ICE SCULPTING FESTIVAL CANARY WHARF

OK, bear with us – it’s probably not what you’re usually into. But isn’t it possible that ice sculpting is weird enough to tip over into actually being bizarrely absorbing? The sculptures themselves require exquisite skill, not to mention a nice warm pair of mittens and, you never know, it could become your new thing. One visit and, before you know it, you’ll be chiselling scale models of the Flying Dutchman out of the ice in your G and T. FREE

January 12-14 Canada Square Park, Canary Wharf, E14 5AH

canarywharf.com

Canary Wharf

WHERE TO GET TNT

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TNT Magazine is printed on paper from sustainable forests. There is no business connection between the proprietors of this magazine and TNT Ltd, the worldwide transportation group. Copyright here and abroad of all original materials is held by TNT Magazine. Reproduction in whole or part is forbidden, except with permission of the publishers. Registered as a newspaper at the Post Office.

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QUENTIN BLAKE: AS LARGE AS LIFE

UKULELE CABARET

JIMMY CARR: GAGGING ORDER

The scrawled, scribbly drawings of Quentin Blake illustrated so many of Roald Dahl’s cherished children’s books and, by extension, the childhood imaginations of millions of kids over the years. But there’s more than just pictures of the BFG at this exhibition, where some of Blake’s recent work will be on show.

Strap in for an evening of duelling banjos. Well, duelling ukuleles, at least – the dinky little four-string Hawaiian guitars are developing quite a following in London’s fringe cabaret scene and some of the musos who have mastered the instrument are damn impressive. Check it and try to stop your toes tapping.

Jimmy Carr, that moon-faced enfant terrible of so many TV panel shows, is sanding the rough edges off his new show, which presents the tantalising possibility that some of it might be devastatingly unfunny. Carr has a great line in bad-taste one-liners, though, so you should be able to pinch at least some of his material.

January 12-April 15 Foundling Museum, WC1N 1AZ foundlingmuseum.org.uk Russell Square

January 10 The Lincoln Lounge, 52 York Way, N1 9AB tricityvogue.com King’s Cross St Pancras

January 13-14 Soho Theatre, 21 Dean St, W1D 3NE sohotheatre.com Tottenham Court Road

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Peer behind the famous facade

HARRODS SALE Knightsbridge

London’s most famous department store was, of course, overrun in the lead-up to Christmas before being swamped again in the immediate aftermath, once the sales started. The good news is that there are still plenty of bargains left to be snaffled, so scratch together whatever pennies you’ve got left over this month and head down to this famous retail hub for some new year therapy. FREE

Until January 31 87-135 Brompton Rd, SW1X 7QN

harrods.com

TAKE A VIEW

THE LONDON BIKE SHOW

This annual prize recognises the best landscape photographers of the year, showcasing the most stunning happy snaps from around the UK. A great one for budding photographers. See how these pics compare to your fuzzy shots of the snowcapped Swiss Alps in Switzerland, taken after you drank far too much schnapps.

Maybe you’re an experienced cyclist looking for a snazzy new part or someone who’s keen to start out but needs a new set of wheels. Or maybe you’re a complete amateur looking for a little basket for your fixed-gear runabout. There’s also a bike polo tournament going on. Even if you’re not a cyclist, that does sound quite cool.

Until January 28 National Theatre, South Bank, SE1 9PX nationaltheatre.org.uk Waterloo

January 12-15 ExCeL Centre, 1 Western Gateway E16 1XL thelondon bikeshow.co.uk Custom House

FREE

Knightsbridge

£20

LONDONNEWS

@tntmagazine

LAWRENCE KILLERS’ JAIL TERMS INQUIRY An urgent review into whether Stephen Lawrence’s killers should have been sentenced for longer is being carried out by the Attorney General. It follows a complaint from a member of the public, who believes the jail terms for Gary Dobson and David Norris, were “unduly lenient”. Last week, Dobson was jailed for 15 years, two months, and Norris for 14 years, three months for their part in the racist killing of black teenager Lawrence in 1993. He was stabbed to death by a white gang on the streets of south-east London. MET ‘STILL RACIST’ P45 ››

The firearm problem is laughable in the sense of how small it is. The gangs here ... wannabes Bill Braton , the US ‘supercop’ brought in to advise David Cameron on gangs

MP UNDER FIRE OVER ‘RACIST’ TWEETS Diane Abbott was last week facing pressure to resign after making two ‘racist’ comments on Twitter. The Labour MP for Hackney apologised after tweeting “white people like to play divide and rule” in a discussion about Stephen Lawrence. She also sent another tweet accusing taxi drivers of avoiding black passengers. The MP was urged to quit by the Licensed Taxi Drivers Association.

ON THE TUBE

Meryl Streep arriving at the European premiere of The Iron Lady at BFI Southbank. Read our film review at tntmagazine.com

2012 Games: back on sale Sports fans have a month to snap up tickets to hot events Thousands of unwanted tickets to the London Olympics are now on sale. For the next month, sports fans have the chance to secure their place at top events at this year’s Games. The tickets are being sold at face value by customers who can no longer afford them or can no longer attend. Organiser Locog has set up london2012.com to encourage sellers to use an official site, rather than online auctions such as eBay, as it is a criminal offence to sell tickets on the open market. Hot events up for grabs include diving, athletics and the closing ceremony. The seller will receive the ticket’s full price, but

if it remains unsold, it will be returned to the owner’s account. Tickets will be on sale until February 3 on a first come-first served basis. London 2012 chief executive Paul Deighton said: “We asked people to buy tickets more than a year out from the Games and mindful of that, we promised we would create this system for people whose circumstances may have changed to enable them to resale their tickets legally.” Two-thirds of ticket seekers failed to earn any in a first round that ended in April 2011, with 22 million requests for 6.6 million available tickets.

THIS WEEK IN LONDON...

High-speed connection

THIS WEEK’S WORKS

NORTHERN: No service between Camden Town and Kennington via Bank all weekend.

WATERLOO & CITY: Closed Sundays.

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Photos: Getty; Thinkstock

ONLINE EVERY WEEK

Commuters could soon be whizzing from London to Birmingham in just 49 minutes, if a new rail line gets the go ahead. Ministers will decide this week whether the HS2 route, which opponents say crosses an area of natural beauty, gets the green light. The 100-mile rail link would be built between 2016 and 2026. It could also include lines branching out to Manchester, Leeds and possibly further north by 2033. With the total cost reaching £32bn. The scheme has support from business leaders, union bosses and economists, who said it would boost growth and create jobs in the capital and beyond.

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Bumper year: there’s more reasons to bring out the tickertape

It’s not all sport London 2012 isn’t just about the Olympics. There are other hot tickets up for grabs. Here’s our pick WORDS REBECCA KENT AND ALASDAIR MORTON So it’s 2012. The year London becomes a hub of Olympic fervour, swollen with visitors keen to get a glimpse of the long-awaited Games. Given the commotion, you might think the Games is the last event on Earth. But you’d be a fool to believe it. There is a robust array of events to otherwise catch your attention. Inspired by, and in spite of, the Olympics, the alternatives span as far as Michael Phelps’s medal collection. A starter for ten, the Queen is throwing a party for her Diamond Jubilee in June, and we can expect to be swept up in a flurry of royal fever, with street parties, tickertape and ceremonial fly-bys. Plus, there is a bumper long weekend in it for us, which is more than a reason to cheer. The scale of things to come is immense. London & Partners, the capital’s official promotional body, even urges us to put off travel plans. “It’s going to be an incredible year to be in London,” CEO Gordon Innes says. “Not to be missed is the David Hockney exhibition at the Royal Academy, and at the Barbican, Juliette Binoche and Cate Blanchett will be 8

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taking part in its 30th anniversary celebrations. These are world class events, with stars of the screen coming to our stages. There will be no better place to be.” It’s also a cracking year for comedy – notwithstanding embarrassed laughs at Boris Johnson’s dishevelled figure, a la the Beijing Olympics. Big on the list is Frankie Boyle, hanging up his tour boots – or so he says – with Last Days of Sodom, at the Hammersmith Apollo in November. However, it’s Adam Riches, with his Edinburgh Comedy Award-winning show, Bring Me The Head Of Adam Riches, that kicks off the year’s major comedic proceedings. Riches brings to the Soho Theatre anarchic stagecraft and live audience participation that teeters on physical abuse. Indeed, the sheer exertion of his hapless subjects are of an Olympic scale, with Riches’ alter-egos, Spanish swingball champ Pedro Azul, and game hunter, O’Hara, gelling the mix. “I’ve been completely shocked by how willing audience members are to get involved. If we wanted an unofficial Olympics, the way my audiences are

going, they’d have started their own competition – and not only that, they’d have done better,” Riches says. Based on the antics of his seemingly fearless audience members, he suggests some rather disturbing events. “In my shows we do lizard racing, so we’d have an event where we get competitors to lie on their stomachs on a skateboard and race across a stage – that would be a great event. Then, we could do ... erm, vomiting into each other’s mouths. Though that might be a late-night event, and maybe just a one-off, too. I wouldn’t want to be in the heats for that one.” Technicolour yawns aside, Riches is confident of an Olympics springboard effect in London. “There’ll be loads of people here with money in their pockets, time on their hands and entertainment on their minds, so I expect a good spirit about the city, and that will reflect in ‘sold out’ boards across the land.” ❚ MORE EVENTS FOR 2012 ›› Bring Me the Head Of Adam Riches, Feb 13-Mar 17. £10+ Soho Theatre, 21 Dean St, W1D 3NE sohotheatre.com Piccadilly Circus

Adam Riches: the anarchic comedian suggests mouth-to-mouth vomiting

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Frankie Boyle: the last time ... no, really

BRIDGET JONES: THE MUSICAL WEST END

I’LL BE YOUR MIRROR ALEXANDRA PALACE ATP and indieinstrumental rocksmiths Mogwai curate this weekend fest. Thrash metal titans Slayer play their definitive Reign In Blood on Friday, Mogwai themselves headline the Saturday and a reformed Afghan Whigs topline Sunday, alongside weekend support from Yuck, grunge mainstays Mudhoney, the Melvins and more. Odd, eclectic, and utterly unmissable. £39

Rumours suggest Legally Blonde star and queen of the West End Sheridan Smith will be taking on the titular role as the chardonnay-guzzling Ms Jones in this musical take on her (un)lucky in love antics. Stephen Daldry might be in line for directing duties for the show’s unveiling after taking charge of its London workshops at which Bertie Carvel (Sherlock) was Mr Darcy. Lily Allen, with regular collaborator Greg Kurstin, pens the show’s original music too in what is set to be one of the West End shows of the year. £TBC

Autumn TBC

AMERICAN IDIOT HAMMERSMITH After a stunning run in the US in which the punk rock superstars’ show reaped plaudits from its hometown San Francisco unveiling to its Broadway run and subsequent cross-country tour, Green Day proved they were everything but American idiots. Their musical, about three childhood friends searching for meaning in a post 9/11 world, comes to the London stage for a trim five-day run featuring songs from the 2004 album, their 2006 Twenty First Century Breakdown follow-up and more. £22.50+

May 25-27 Alexandra Palace, N22 7AY alexandrapalace.com Wood Green

Dec 4-9 Hammersmith Apollo, 45 Queen Caroline Street, W6 9QH venues.meanfiddler.com/apollo Hammersmith

MUSIC NATION VARIOUS

ALL NEW PEOPLE DUKE OF YORK’S

A weekend of live music in conjunction with the Beeb and Olympics organisers Locog. This 2012 teaser includes the Colliers Wood Chorus in Wimbledon, the Choir With No Name at the Roundhouse and gospel troupe 20,000 Voices.

Scrubs star Zach Braff treads the boards in this drama about a 35-year-old Long Islander enduring a mid-life crisis. Braff’s London stage debut, for which he penned the script, will be one of theatreland’s biggest 2012 events.

March 3-4 Various locations across the UK makingmusic.org.uk

Feb 22-Apr 28 Duke of York’s Theatre, St Martin’s Lane, WC2N 4BG allnewpeople.co.uk Leicester Square

FREE

LUCIAN FREUD PORTRAITS TRAFALGAR SQUARE One of the most important artists of his generation, Lucian Freud, who died last year, is the subject of this careerspanning collection which focusses on his portraiture. Featuring 100 works from private collections and museums, including Freud’s final, unfinished portrait of his close friend and assistant David Dawson

Camp with style, surrounded by London Zoo’s cornucopia of wildlife. This five-night-only event invites you to a torchlit tour, conservation talks and dinner before you bed down in a safari-style tent.

Feb 9-May 27 National Portrait Gallery, St Martin’s Place, WC2H 0HE npg.org.uk Charing Cross

May 23-27 Regent’s Park, NW1 4RY zsl.org/london-zoo Camden

£14

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GLAMPING AT LONDON ZOO REGENTS PARK £225

£15+

DAVID LYNCH SEASON SOUTHBANK A cult hero terrorising the Hollywood for more than 30 years, David Lynch is the focus of this career retrospective, allowing fans to see the likes of Dune, Blue Velvet and Eraserhead on the big screen. £5+

Feb 1-29 BFI Southbank, SE1 8XT bfi.org.uk Waterloo

THE MAKING OF HARRY POTTER HERTFORDSHIRE The most profitable movie series in history, Harry Potter, may have finished its big screen run last year with Deathly Hallows Pt 2, but you can relive the magic with this Muggle-friendly tour. With access to the movie sets, such as Hogwarts’ Great Hall and Dumbledore’s office, costume displays, and a look at the work that went in to creating the FX, this tour gives Potter fans the chance to go behind the scenes of a modern-day bona fide cinematic institution. £28

From Mar 31 Warner Bros Studios, WD25 7LS wbstudiotour.co.uk Watford Junction

DAMIEN HIRST SOUTH BANK He challenged our perceptions of art with provocative pieces such as the diamond-encrusted skull, the bisected cow and calf, and the controversial shark suspended in formaldehyde, which sold for a princely £6.5million, mind. Now all of his hotbutton creations come under one roof in this first major UK retrospective. The show includes 70 of the artist’s iconic sculptures.

LONDON SUPER COMIC CONVENTION EXCEL CENTRE

£14

Apr 5-Sep 9 Tate Modern, Bankside, SE1 9TG tate.org.uk Southwark

Comic geeks will have a rare opportunity to see the Marvel founder, Stan Lee, in the flesh at this two-day event. The creator of some of the most enduring comic book characters ever, including Spider Man, Incredible Hulk, The Avengers and Fantastic Four, will be attending his first comic convention in the UK for nearly 40 years, so take your cameras and your autograph books. He will be joined by an impressive lineup of comic book creators from all over the world. £15

BARBICAN 30TH ANNIVERSARY BARBICAN Europe’s largest arts centre is celebrating a milestone year with an unmissable programme, toplined by Cate Blanchett, with a gutsy performance in the German masterpiece Gross und Klein, and Chocolat actress Juliette Binoche, who makes a turn in the French language piece Mademoiselle Julie. Also look out for the largest Bauhaus exhibition the UK has seen in 40 years.

Feb 25-26 ExCel London,One Western Gateway, Royal Victoria Dock, E16 1XL londonsupercomicconvention.com

Various dates Silk Street, EC2Y 8DS barbican.org.uk Barbican

BUSHSTOCK FESTIVAL SHEPHERD’S BUSH This inagural festival, launched last year by nu-folk club night/record label, Communion (co-owned by Mumford & Sons’ Ben Lovett) was a resounding success. This year’s line-up is TBC, but it’s already shaping up to be cracking. £22.50

Photos: Dil Sukan, Getty, Troyt Coburn

LONDON 2012 FESTIVAL ACROSS LONDON This is the London arm of the Cultural Olympiad, billed as the most ambitious cultural event the country has ever seen. Brace for an enthrallingly eclectic offering of more than 1000 performances and events involving dance, music, theatre, fashion, food, art and film, featuring artists from across the world. The highlight is the free Radio 1 Hackney Weekend 2012, with Leona Lewis, Tinie Tempah and Florence & The Machine on the bill. Also look out for the London premiere of Blur frontman, Damon Albarn’s opera, Dr Dee at the London Coliseum. June 21-Sep 9 festival.london2012.com

June 2 Five venues in Shepherd’s Bush bushstock.co.uk Shepherd’s Bush

QUEEN’S DIAMOND JUBILEE VARIOUS LOCATIONS A colourful Thames flotilla, festival at Battersea Park, and an unprecedented display of her personal jewels at Buck Palace are just some of the events recognising 60 years since Her Maj took the throne. June-Sep royal.gov.uk

Custom House

WORLD SHAKESPEARE FESTIVAL VARIOUS The Royal Shakespeare Company spearheads a major celebration of the famous bard, with numerous performances, the highlight being a run of every single one of his plays presented in different languages at Shakespeare’s Globe. April-Nov worldshakespearefestival.org.uk

YOKO ONO SOUTH KENSINGTON She’s as famous for her art as she is for her widowhood, and in this major exhibition we find out why. It features her ongoing project ‘SMILE’, a collage of happy portraits from people over the world. Take part. FREE

Jun 9-Sep 9 Kensington Gardens, W2 3XA serpentinegallery.org South Kensington

THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO EVERYTHING KING’S CROSS New Yorkers Tom Reynolds and Tim Daniels bring their iTunes chart-topping podcast – selfbilled as Wikipedia’s fiercest competitor - to the stage. The men pursue their quest to explore every conceivable topic, from dating to psychiatric drugs, and even address the burning issues of their audience. This is exciting stuff. £12.50

April 2 Kings Place, 90 York Way, N1 9AG tcgte.com King’s Cross St Pancras

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MYLONDON

AMY PALMER LONDON RIB VOYAGES GUIDE What baffles me about London is why anyone would want breast milk in an ice cream. London’s best-kept secret is The Rivoli Ballroom in Lewisham. It’s fabulous if you fancy a dapper evening, darling! It’s one of the only remaining ballrooms in London, and was opened in 1959. Their Jive parties are great fun. When I want to chill out I go for a walk along the South Bank from Waterloo to Butlers Wharf followed by a coffee and a browse at the boats in St Katherine’s Dock. The most interesting person I’ve met is a lady called Billy, who sells The Big Issue. She was on her 99th conviction before she managed to turn her life around with help from the Prince’s Trust. She now is supporting herself and is probably the happiest and inspirational person I know. My favourite place for a drink is The Globe in Covent Garden – it’s my after-work local. Nobody seems to know there is an upstairs! It’s fab, there’s always a large selection of beers, friendly staff and their lamb shank rocks!

FREE O T Y R T N E ON FRIDAYS & SATURDAYS COURTESY OF

For when you’re hungover in London you can’t beat a fry up, a walk, a cheeky beer and a cheesy DVD on my sofa with in my PJs and my duvet (in that order). What gets me up in the morning? A coffee, my alarm clock, backache and sometimes my cat, Poppy, sitting on my head. My perfect weekend would include a Sunday walk to Blackheath farmers’ market to buy supplies for a roast, have a beer (or eight) in one of the many lovely pubs in the village, then go home put the roast on and watch a Sunday movie. Then, obviously, eat until I can eat no more! The last naughty thing I did was wake up one of my friends who had passed out after drinking a little to much, asked them if they needed water and then gave passed them the bottle of tequila we’d been drinking, they didn’t realise until two huge gulps. Tee hee! Five words to sum up London: Vibrant, iconic, special, challenging, inspiring. londonribvoyages.com 12

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Simply get yourself/00to The Gigalum Bar XXXXXXX by ClaphamXXXXXXXXXXX South tube/00 station before 9pm Fridays, or 8pm Saturdays. ● Just turn by 8/9pm and get your name down at the bar to reserve your ticket ● You’ll be given your free Ministry of Sound tickets at 11:30pm ● Discounted taxis will then be waiting to take you from Gigalum or the tube ride is only 20 minutes door-to-door ● Tickets valid until 12:30am at Ministry that night ● Starts Jan 20th

A WHY NOT BOOK A TABLE OR AN ARE US MENU? AT GIGALUM AND SAMPLE THE DELICIO

WWW.GIGALUM.COM 0208 772 0303

LONDONDRINKS

KUMO

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Turning Japanese at Kumo

BAR THE SCENE On the south side of Hyde Park, Beauchamp Place hosts a snazzy array of wine bars and fine-dining eateries. Amid all that, it’s easy to overlook Kumo, a narrow, Japanese-themed bar that combines superior food with tasty cocktails. The presentation is slightly disorganised and it’s set up like a nightclub rather than a restaurant – upon entry, customers are confronted with a spacious bar rather than seats and the dinky tables are designed for drinks more than meals. THE GRUB Kumo is elevated by its excellent food. The seafood dishes are cracking – the fried squid with chilli and ponzu sauce is a winner, as are the assorted makis, particularly the one with soft-shell crab. The monkfish skewers, served with garlic and ginger are also delicious, while the yakitori chicken and warm beef salad are more straightforward but still rewarding. BEHIND THE BAR The cocktails are well-made, although the selection seems to suggest only women will be ordering them. They’re mostly girly, fruity concoctions, without much for the male connoisseur. Also, drinks with names such as New Orgasm don’t scream sophistication or discernment. BILL PLEASE Makis from £6; mains from £5; dessert £5; cocktails from £10. VERDICT The combination of restaurant and nightclub doesn’t entirely click but the superior food and friendly staff make it worth a visit. TOM STURROCK

11 Beauchamp Place, SW3 1NQ

3 OF THE BEST SMOOTHIES

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kumoknightsbridge.com

South Kensington

BREAKFAST CLUB

CHOP’D

SHAKE AWAY

Guaranteed to wake you up and make you feel super-healthy is the Pommy Granny smoothie, £3.90, from the King of Brunch. The pomegranate, blueberry, raspberry, apple and ginger mix is fruitily refreshing.

Chop’d is dishing out thick, sweet strawberry and banana smoothies at healthy food joints across London. At £2.50, it won’t break the bank and it’ll give you the January health boost you’ve been craving.

Better known as a milkshake bar, Shake Away is also brilliant at making smoothies. If you pine for summer, try the sugary lemon and lime fruit shake with lemon curd, lychees, mandarin and melon, £2.95.

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chopd.co.uk

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BITE SIZE

Hawaiian burgers: beware the half-pounder!

FINALLY, HEALTHY CHOCS When New Year’s resolutions are biting hard and all you want to do is stuff your face with chocolate, satiate cravings while keeping healthy. Probiotic chocolate might sound pretty unappealing, but Oh So is made with Belgian chocolate, so it tastes just much the same as the bad stuff. But each bar (£3.99 for seven) only has 72 calories and gives you a daily dose of good bacteria to rival a yogurt drink. ohsolovesyourtummy.com

CHEAP DINNER Don’t resign yourself to beans on toast every night to save cash – indulge in eating out with sweet deals at Renaissance Pubs in south London. If you order before 20.12pm (it’s 2012, get it?), you’ll get 50 per cent off your dinner. And it’s real comfort food. Think homemade pies, rib-eye steak with bernaise sauce, whole baked seabass and sticky toffee pudding. renaissancepubs.co.uk

FREE DETOX BREKKIE To make the start of your week a bit more bearable, Giraffe restaurants are giving out free breakfasts on Mondays until the end of the month. To celebrate new healthy January breakfasts, they’ll be giving away creamy porridge – with antioxidantfilled Matcha green tea powder, honey, strawberries and banana – to anyone who shows up wearing green between 8am-11am. Now that’s an incentive to be healthy. giraffe.net

KUA ‘AINA HAWAIIAN BURGERS THE SCENE The Hawaiian burger joint that has a clutch of restaurants on said island, as well as 17 in and around Tokyo, has its first in the UK, just off Carnaby Street. It brings Pacific beach vibes with wooden floors and bamboo roof stylings right through to the surfboard-adorned walls. Outdoor seating continues the theme, but, with busy shops only steps away replacing any ocean waves lapping at your feet, not to mention the winter chill, keep it indoors for the time being. THE GRUB Kua ‘Aina (meaning a lazy or ill-educated country person) serves up an array of burgers, sandwiches and salads. I try the gut-busting half-pounder with brie and cranberry – my only complaint is that no mortal stomach is fit to consume this succulent meat mountain which hits the spot in all the right places – and a turkey sandwich, which is tender and tasty too. The accompanying fries are decent, but outshone by the sweet potato wedges, a neat spin on regular ‘twirly fries’ burger pairings.

A simple option of red or white is the wine choice (£3.95 a glass), both sufficient, if not spectacular. This is broadened, though, with a range of soft drinks, as well as Asahi beers (£3.45). However, the real treat is Hawaiian brand Kona’s Fire Rock Pale Ale (£3.95), a sweet beer, and perfect burger buddy, exclusive to Kua ‘Aina. BILL PLEASE Third-pounder burgers from £5.95 to £8.45, and half-pounders from £6.95; sandwiches from £3.95; salads from £5.95; fries £1.95; sweet potato wedges £2.45; and desserts from £2.95. VERDICT A top joint for a top burger. The relaxed and amiable surroundings make this a winning retreat from the shopping hordes and a fine escape for a pre-evening bite. The jaw-stretching half-pounder is not ‘first date’ material, mind. ALASDAIR MORTON BEHIND THE BAR

26 Foubert’s Place, W1F 7PP

kua-aina.co.uk

Oxford Circus

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Beholden to no one: Ani DiFranco

ALASDAIR MORTON FOR THE RECORD Bono and The Edge have been toasting the final success of their long-delayed, much-maligned, considerably overbudget musical Spider-Man – Turn Off The Dark . Breaking Broadway records during the festive period for the biggest singleweek gross (US$1.8m), it has finally proved its naysayers wrong, at least commercially speaking. Slammed by critics, abandoned by performers during production stages after they feared for their safety, it seemed this show was only ever headed for musical theatre infamy. Its turn of luck, though, could almost be down to people hoping to witness a car crash catastrophe. After all, Charlie Sheen sold thousands of tickets for his one-man Warlock shows, to his delight and a chorus of paying-punter disatisfaction. It seems we have reached the depressing point where hype really is a far more valuable commodity than quality. There truly is no such thing as bad publicity. More’s the pity.

ANI DIFRANCO Union Chapel JAN 10 & 11 | DOORS AT 7.30PM | £22.50

The young upstart who became a spirit-of-independence flag-waver hailed for her unmovable ethics has amassed a body of work in her 20-plus years on the alt-folk scene that would make most bands of today shudder, so prolific has her output been since she burst forth back at the start of the Nineties. The feminist icon and indie-folk-troubadour, who has drawn influences from far and wide, returns with 17th album Whose Side Are You On? Despite having railed against the system since Bush Snr and Margaret Thatcher were in power, her passion for setting the world to rights shows no signs of diminishing, and with the world in the current state of disrepair in which we find ourselves, she has no shortage of fuel for her ever-burning fire. Spirited independence enabled her to set up her own recording label, Righteous Babe, so that she would be free of the shackles of major label concerns – she has often spoken about record companies in song, such as The Million You Never Made (off 1995’s Not A Pretty Girl) and the deeply sarcastic The Next Big Thing (off 1991’s Not So Soft). This freedom won her a devoted fanbase, which has grown and grown. But DiFranco has remained staunchly opposed to any corporate temptations that have ever been thrust her way over the years. She takes to the stage at the Union Chapel for these two shows, and with the Occupy Movement holed up across town and attempts to move the tent city on sure to reach a crescendo this month, there is no better time for Ani to be here. unionchapel.org.uk

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MELIC + THE HOOKZ + THE CALL UP

NEW BAND

GIG FRI, JAN 13. 8PM £8

New Zealand-bred but London-based Melic, who have a new EP out this week, play Chili Peppersstyle funk that’s embelished by the plethora of styles brought to the table by their classically trained pianist and saxophonist, metal drummer, funk bassist and rock singer/songwriter frontman. Eclectic influences, to be sure.

Photos: C Jonag Molinari; Getty

AAA 11 Kensington High Street, W8 5NP aaa.uk.net High Street Kensington

DUB ME ALWAYS

FANGTASIA

CLUB

WED, JAN 11. FROM 8PM FREE

FRI, JAN 13. 10PM-2AM £5

David Katz, music journo, photographer, A&R consultant and music historian, and biographer of the none-more-influential Lee Scratch Perry, the man who helpled bring dub and reggae into the global music mainstream, takes to the decks himself to spin some classic reggae and dub tunes.

Forget the skull-crushing blandness of the Twilight crowd, this night of neck-biting infused hedonism would leave the Cullens cowering in the corner. Featuring sleazy rock tunes, DJ Kate Hutchinson on the decks, and a line-up of cabaret artists that will make your head spin. Vamp-themed dress code too.

Upstairs at the Ritzy Coldharbour Lane, SW2 1JG facebook.com/UpstairsAtTheRitzy

Resistance Gallery 265 Poyser Street, E2 9RF fangtasialondon.blogspot

THE CORRESPONDENTS

SKATE AT SOMERSET HOUSE

BRONTIDE

GIG

CLUB

GIG

FRI, JAN 13. 11PM £10

FRI JAN 13. FROM 8PM £17

MON, JAN 9. 7.30PM £7

Chucks, one half of this genre-compromising duo, states influences ranging from electro and dubstep to jazz and Sixties beat, a swirling melting pot of styles, for sure. Throw partner Mr Bruce’s high energy vocals and to-be-seen-to-bebelieved dance moves into the live mix, and you have a band like few others.

Ice skating and tunes, the perfect pairing. This outdoor winter event is coming to a close though this month so you’re running out of time to perfect your ice-skate-wobbling dance moves. The team behind compilation Future Disco take to the decks to soundtrack this evening’s skating sessions.

Maths and rock: two words that conjure contradictory images (Axl Rose and tweedwearing teachers, for example) but this Brightonbred band prove rarely have two words seemed so perfectly suited to each other. Their riff-heavy, dynamic, vocal-free instrumentals are complex and indulgent in all the best ways.

Cafe de Paris 3-4 Coventry Street, W1D 6BL cafedeparis.com Picadilly Circus

Somerset House The Strand, WC2R 1LA somersethouse.org.uk

The Lexington 96-98 Pentonville Road, N1 9JB thelexington.co.uk Angel

Bethnal Green

Charing Cross

WHALES IN CUBICLES THE BUZZ SO FAR London-based four-piece specialising in particularly anthemic indie-alt rock. Their debut single, We Never Win, begins with a hypnotic drum coda that slowbuilds into a crashing-guitar-backed chorus of exorcising proportions as frontman Stef Bernardi’s howled vocals call one and all to arms. Taking influences from Neil Young to Pavement via Blur, the Cubicles ride the rock-ready road of the marginalised and discontented. THE CRITICS SAY “Brilliant band name, brilliant title, brilliant tune. Dark, riff-heavy, melodic rock with a definite punk edge.” Total Guitar THE PLUG Debut single We Never Win is out on Jan 23 through Young & Lost Club.

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CLUBLISTINGS

MONDAY 9 Cuban Hideaway DJ Rich plays Latin, house, funk and R‘n’B. The Hideaway, Stanthorpe Rd, SW16 2ED (020 8835 7070). 9.40pm-late. £7.

Yoyo Seb Chew and Leo Greenslade spin hip-hop, R‘n’B, dubstep and grime. Notting Hill Arts Club, Notting Hill Gate, W11 3JQ (020 7460 4459). 7.30pm-2am. £7, £5 before 11pm.

BOOK NOW!

Hard Core Salsa DJ Mario plays mambo and salsa, plus dance lessons. Salsa!, Charing Cross Rd, WC2H 0JG (020 7379 3277). 7pm-late. £4, free before 9pm. Hot Vox Live performances from Jamie Rushton, Adam & The Asbos, Social Smoking Isn’t Cool and Laura Robbins. Plus DJ Ross Debos spins indie, rock, soul and electro. Proud Camden, The Horse Hospital, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AH (020 7482 3867). 7.30pm-1.30am. £3. I Love Mondays DJ Victor supplies commercial dance, disco, pop, garage, R‘n’B and funky house. Moonlighting, Greek St, W1D 4DR (020 7437 5782/ cc 020 7287 3727). 10pm-3.30am. £5, w/flyer £3, NUS £1.50. Popcorn Jonesey, Harvey Adam, Jamie Hammond and Terry T-Rex provide dance, electro, R‘n’B, pop and hip-hop. Heaven, Charing Cross Arches, Villiers St, WC2N 6NG (020 7930 2020). 11pm-5.30am. £8. Rehab DJs Val, Satoko, Zoe Demonettes, Joe, Saral and Hale supply indie, electro and pop. The Roxy, Rathbone Place, W1T 1HJ (020 7255 1098). 10pm-3am. £5, NUS/ w/flyer £3, mems £1 before 10.30pm. Revolution Monday DJ Si Collard plays commercial dance, house, chart and R‘n’B. One, Leicester Sq, WC2H 7NA (020 7437 0453). 10pm-2am. £10, adv £5.

TUESDAY 10 Caribbean Renaissance Holiday Special Jb Crew, Lover’s T and Mellow Bostic spin reggae and retro hits. Porky’s Wine Bar, Sternhold Ave, SW2 4PA (020 8671 3424). 10pm-late. £5, free before 11pm. Forca Brasil DJ Fred spins salsa, samba and Latin tunes, plus live bands. Salsa!, Charing Cross Rd, WC2H 0JG (020 7379 3277). 6pm-2am, last adm 1am. £4, free before 9pm. Once Is Never Enough Resident DJs supply dance anthems, R‘n’B, commercial hits and funky house. One, Leicester Sq, WC2H 7NA (020 7437 0453). 10pm-3am. £11, £5 before 11pm, ladies free before 11.30pm. Panic Max Panic, Gaz Panic and That Perfect Fumble spin indie, electro and pop. The Roxy, Rathbone Place, W1T 1HJ (020 7255 1098). 10pm-3am. £5, NUS £3. Ruby Sings Roo Savill and her band of budding musicians host a jam session. Ronnie Scott’s, Frith St, W1D 4HT (020 7439 0747). 6pm-late. £7, £5 before 8.30pm. Short Back And Sides Dubstep, indie and drum ‘n’ bass from resident DJs. The Nest, Stoke Newington Rd, N16 7XJ (020 7354 9993). 9pm-2am. £5, free before 10.30pm. White Heat DJs Matty, Olly and Marcus spin electro and indie. Madame Jojo’s, Brewer St, W1F 0SE (020 7734 3040). 10.30pm-3am. £4-£5.

FRIDAY 13 Arriba La Cumbia DJ Russ Jones provides Cumbia, Caribbean and Latin music, plus live performances from Conjunto Sabroso Jamman and Los Compadres Latin Collective. Passing Clouds, Richmond Rd, E8 4AA (020 7168 7146). 8pm2am. £8, £5 before 10pm, NUS £5.

SWEDISH HOUSE MAFIA Milton Keynes National Bowl. July 14. £45 The house trio (above) bring their audio visual feast to the summer line up with the UK’s biggest dance show ever – 65,000+ crammed in to the Bowl MK6 1LN

Cheapskates Old school hip-hop, electro and disco courtesy of DJ Downfall. Moonlighting, Greek St, W1D 4DR (020 7437 5782/ cc 020 7287 3727). 9pm-3.30am. £6.50, NUS £5.50, w/flyer £4.50. Choke Resident DJs play hip-hop, drum ‘n’ bass, electro, indie and grime. The Roxy, Rathbone Place, W1T 1HJ (020 7255 1098). 10pm-3am. £5, NUS £4, guestlist £3. Dance Nights Princess Karina and DJ Gary Baldi spin dance hits. EC3 Live, Crosswall, EC3N 2JY (020 7488 1766). 11.30pm-3am. £10. Everything Taboo DJ Andrew Elmore plays retro electro-pop and acid disco. The Shadow Lounge, Brewer St, W1F 0RF (020 7287 7988). 10pm-3am. £5, free before midnight. Fat Poppa Daddys Resident DJs spin hip-hop, funk, electro, house, dubstep 1980s hits, indie and reggae. One, Leicester Sq, WC2H 7NA (020 7437 0453). 11pm-2am. £5, free before midnight. Madd Raff Wednesdays The Heatwave supply bashment and dancehall, plus a dance session with dancehall instructor Safwaan Shoshoni of Pineapple Studios. The Social, Little Portland St, W1W 7JD (020 7636 4992). 7pm-1am. £5, £3 before 10pm. N*A*S*I*N SoniX, Brahim and Punk Gareth play punk, rock, metal and ska. The Borderline, Orange Yard, Manette St, W1D 4JB (0870 060 3777/ cc 0871 231 0842). 11pm-3am. £5, w/flyer £4, NUS £3, mems £2. Trannyshack Miss Dusty O, Tasty Tim and Lady Lloyd spin commercial dance and pop. Madame Jojo’s, Brewer St, W1F 0SE (020 7734 3040). 10pm-3am. £6, w/flyer £3, free before midnight.

THURSDAY 12 Bad Sex DJs spin electro, new wave and lo-fi. Proud Camden, The Horse Hospital, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AH (020 7482 3867). 7.30pm-2.30am. £5, NUS/w/flyer £3, guestlist free before 9pm.

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Fftang! Fftang! Huskiii & Marsali spin funk, Latin and Balkan beats, plus Sam The Drum on percussion. The Hideaway, Junction Rd, N19 5LB (020 7561 0779). 7pm-11pm. £3.

Fabriclive Kode 9, Pearson Sound, Ben UFO, Pangaea, Jam City, Kowton, Chunky, LX One, Lone, Illum Sphere, Eclair Fifi, Dread and Crazy D supply dubstep, techno and drum ‘n’ bass, plus Icicle plays live. Fabric, Charterhouse St, EC1M 6HJ (020 7336 8898). 10pm-6am. £17, adv £16, NUS £10 before midnight, £7 after 3am, adv £21 inc CD.

Fuel Thursdays DJ Melody Kane spins house, funk, soul and urban beats. One, Leicester Sq, WC2H 7NA (020 7437 0453). 10pm-2am. £10, adv £5.

Friday At Gigalum Resident DJs supply house. Gigalum, Cavendish Parade, Clapham Common South Side, SW4 9DW (020 8772 0303). 7pm-late. Free.

Latin Krazy DJs spin salsa, merengue, bachata and reggaeton, plus salsa dances lessons. Salsa!, Charing Cross Rd, WC2H 0JG (020 7379 3277). 6pm-2am, last adm 1am. £4, free before 9pm.

Jubilee Indie, rock, punk and rock ‘n’ roll from Carl Barat, Chris McCormack and Alan Cherry Cola Jubilee, plus burlesque performances. The Barfly, Camden, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AN (0844 847 2424). 10.30pm-3am. £5.

swedishhousemafia.com

WEDNESDAY 11

Dance Rocks House, R‘n’B, chart, indie and 1980s and 1990s hits. The Watershed, The Broadway, SW19 1SD (020 8540 0080). 11pm-3am. £8, £5 before midnight.

Milton Keynes

Macho City Resident DJs spin disco, pop and retro. Joiners Arms, Hackney Rd, E2 7QL (020 7739 9397). 10pm3am. £3, free before 11.30pm. Old Skool Thursdays Resident DJs supply R‘n’B, dancehall, funky, soca and old skool. Euphoriom, High St, W3 6NG (020 8993 2915). 10pm-late. £5, free before 11pm. QueerlyOut DJ Robby D spins commercial dance, pop and R‘n’B. Escape Bar, Brewer St, W1F 0SU (020 7734 3040). 9pm-3am. £5, mems £3. Radio The Radio DJs provide 1980s pop, indie and disco. The Roxy, Rathbone Place, W1T 1HJ (020 7255 1098). 10pm-3am. £5, NUS/w/flyer £3, free before 10pm. Roller Disco Funk and disco for a wheeled audience. Renaissance Rooms, opposite Arch 8, Arches, Miles St, SW8 1RZ (0844 736 5375). 8pm-midnight. £10 inc skates, £7.50 own skates, NUS £6 inc skates. Vibe DJs on rotation including Anas, Spider, Prezedent, Ice, Commander B, Pioneer and DJ L spin hip-hop, R‘n’B, funky house, garage, bashment and reggae. Moonlighting, Greek St, W1D 4DR (020 7437 5782/cc 020 7287 3727). 10pm-3am. £7, £5 before midnight, ladies £5, free before 11.30pm. Xxtra Terry-James Lynch hosts a night of house, electro and pop, plus fashion. The Shadow Lounge, Brewer St, W1F 0RF (020 7287 7988). 10pm-3am. £5, free before 11pm.

The Nest Presents Electro and hip-hop from Rustie. Plus dubstep and house from Mele, Stripes and ToyC, with live performances from Tricity and Anneka. The Nest, Stoke Newington Rd, N16 7XJ (020 7354 9993). 9pm-4am. £7. On The Real Spin Doctor, Mr Thing, Chris P Cuts and Mo Fingaz spin hip-hop and R‘n’B, with MC Prankster. East Village, Great Eastern St, EC2A 3HX (020 7739 5173). 10pm-3am. £5, adv £3. Silent Disco Resident DJs spin pop, dance, R‘n’B, hiphop, indie, rock and retro hits across two channels. Proud 2, Peninsula Sq, SE10 0DX (020 7482 3867). 7.30pm-3am. £10. Smash Techno Techno from Steve Mills, Darc Marc Aaron Liberator and DJ Birinight. Club 414, Coldharbour Ln, SW9 8LF (020 7924 9322). 11pm-6am. £10, w/flyer £8. Tales Of The Unexpected Resident DJs spin electronica, psychedelia and punk, with burlesque and cabaret performances. Proud Camden, The Horse Hospital, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AH (020 7482 3867). 7.30pm-2.30am. £10, £8 before 9pm, w/flyer £5 before 9pm. Wah Wah Do Jake Holloway, Boglewaltz, Dom Servini, Scrimshire and DJ Konvex spin disco and soul, plus LV & Joshua Idehen and King Porter Stomp perform live. The Queen Of Hoxton, Curtain Rd, EC2A 3JX (020 7422 0958). 8pm-2am. £7, £5 before 9pm.

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SATURDAY 14 Audio Sushi Jeffrey Disastronaut plays reggae, electro, indie and dubstep. The Dogstar, Coldharbour Ln, SW9 8LQ (020 7733 7515). 7.30pm-4am. £5, free before 11pm. BBM Me Presents DJ Popcox plays house and chart. The Hoxton Pony, Curtain Rd, EC2A 3AH (020 7613 2844). 8pm-2am. £10, concs £7 guestlist before 10pm, free before 9pm. Feeling Gloomy Leonard and Cliff spin melancholy pop and indie. O2 Academy Islington, Parkfield St, N1 0PS (020 7288 4400/ cc 0844 477 2000). 10.30pm-3.30am. £8, £6 before midnight, adv NUS £5. Glamorous The residents play funky house, soul, R‘n’B and disco.The Clapham Grand, St John’s Hill, SW11 1TT (020 7223 6523). 10pm-3am. £10, £5 before 11pm. Inferno Andrew Elmore spins funk, house and dance. The Shadow Lounge, Brewer St, W1F 0RF (020 7287 7988). 10pm-3am. £10, free before 11pm. Latin Passion Victor Hugo & The Mambo Boys and Jorge Andre play Latin beats. Salsa!, Charing Cross Rd, WC2H 0JG (020 7379 3277). 6pm-2am. £10, £8 before 11pm, £4 before 9pm, £2 before 8pm. Muy Gupo Resident DJs spin current chart and indie. Salvador And Amanda, Great Newport St, WC2H 7JA (020 7240 1551). 9pm-3am. £10, free before 9pm, guestlist £5. Regenerate Deep Cycle and Phoenix 6 DJs spin house and techno. Gigalum, Cavendish Parade, Clapham Common South Side, SW4 9DW (020 8772 0303). 7pm-late. Free. Saints & Sinners Daniel Scott plays club classics, while resident DJs play indie and pop in the bar. The Watershed, The Broadway, SW19 1SD (020 8540 0080). 11pm-3am. £8, £7 before midnight. A Winter Warmer DJ Adam Shelton spins techno, house and electro, with support from Dave Bevan, Williams & Du Bois, Oliver Cole and Robajo. Cargo, Rivington St, EC2A 3AY (020 7739 3440). 8pm-3am. £15, free before 9pm.

SUNDAY 15 Forro DJs spin Brazilian, samba, African and indigenous rhythms. Guanabara, Parker St, WC2B 5PW (020 7242 8600). 5pm-late. £5, free before 8pm. Gigalum Sunday Sessions Prok & Fitch spin house. Gigalum, Cavendish Parade, Clapham Common South Side, SW4 9DW (020 8772 0303). 3pm-11pm. Free. Hula Boogie 9th Anniversary Party DJs Kahuna, Kelv’s Red Hot Rythm and Suzie Q spin soul, rock ‘n’ roll, funk and retro hits, with hosts Miss Aloha and the Reverend Boogie. South London Pacific, Kennington Rd, SE11 4LD (020 7820 9189). 7pm-1am. £7. Showtime DJ F-Sound spins house, electro, R‘n’B and dance anthems. One, Leicester Sq, WC2H 7NA (020 7437 0453). 10pm-3am. £10, adv £5, ladies free before 11.30pm.

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MONDAY 9 Bacchus, Lich, Regimes Experimental and noise rock from the band. The Windmill, Blenheim Gardens, SW2 5BZ (020 8671 0700). £5.

BOOK NOW!

Milagres Indie-pop by the New York-based band. The Old Blue Last, Great Eastern St, EC2A 3ES (020 7739 7033). £7.

FRIDAY 13

FLORENCE + THE MACHINE Alexandra Palace. Mar 8-10. £35 The indie-popster brings her theatrical stage show – and last year’s sterling Ceremonial – to the grand setting of the Ally Pally for these three nights. N22 7AY

alexandrapalace.com

WEDNESDAY 11

Joe Murphy Indie-rock singersongwriter from London. 12 Bar Club, Denmark Place, WC2H 8NL (020 7240 2622). £5.

The Black Dahlia Murder, Skeletonwitch, Fleshgod Apocalypse Melodic death metal band from Waterford, Michigan. The Underworld, Camden High St, NW1 0NE (020 7482 1932). £15.

Houston Person Passionate tenor saxophonist from South Carolina. Ronnie Scott’s, Frith St, W1D 4HT (020 7439 0747). £18-£32.50.

Foreign Legion, Shirleysaid, Nife, Black Hay The three-piece plays indie. Buffalo Bar, Upper St, N1 1RU (020 7359 6191). £6, adv £5.

Tom Prior, Conor Canney Acoustica from the singer-songwriter. Dublin Castle, Parkway, NW1 7AN (020 8806 2668). £6, adv £4.50.

Carol Jack And Band, Capital Sun Soul-pop from the singer and group. Dublin Castle, Parkway, NW1 7AN (020 8806 2668). £6, concs £4.50.

TUESDAY 10

Ledfoot The American singerguitarist plays gothic blues. Nambucca, Holloway Rd, N7 6LB (020 7281 8877). £8, adv £6.

Toby Aug Pop-rock by London-based singersongwriter, Tobias Diggines. The Troubadour, Old Brompton Rd, SW5 9JA (020 7370 1434). £6. Jun Caravel Pop-soul by the Paris-born singer-songwriter formerly known as T-ka. The Good Ship, Kilburn High Rd, NW6 7JR (07949 008253). £5. Dead Social Club The South London-formed six-piece plays post-punk-inspired electronic indie. Buffalo Bar, Upper St, N1 1RU (020 7359 6191). £5, adv £4. Ani DiFranco Folk from the New York-based singer-songwriter. Union Chapel, Compton Terrace, N1 2UN (020 7226 1686). £22.50. Lay Low Alt country, blues and folk by the Icelandic singer-songwriter Lovisa Elisabet Sigrunardottir. The Lexington, Pentonville Rd, N1 9JB (020 7837 5371). £6. Mae Melodic indie-rock outfit from Virginia, America. The Bowery, New Oxford St, WC1A 1EP (020 7580 3057/ cc 0844 477 1000). £10. One Direction The chart-topping boy band, which was forged in the fires of The X Factor, performs pop including the single What Makes You Beautiful. HMV Apollo, Queen Caroline St, W6 9QH (0843 221 0100). £19.50 & £28.50.

Jocelyn Brown R‘n’B and dance music singer, born in America and now based in London. The Jazz Cafe, Parkway, NW1 7PG (020 7485 6834/cc 0870 060 3777). £25.

The Bizzarros, South Bound Zax, Clumsy The North Londonbased outfit plays rock, soul and blues. 100 Club, Oxford St, W1D 1LL (020 7636 0933). £10, adv £8.

Brontide Instrumental mathrock by the Brighton-based band. The Lexington, Pentonville Rd, N1 9JB (020 7837 5371). £7.

Fella, Lost, Snail Trail Indierock band from Slough. The Barfly, Camden, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AN (0844 847 2424). £5.

Gilad Atzmon Israeli world-bop reeds man. 606 Club, Lots Rd, SW10 0QD (020 7352 5953). £12.

Trailer Trash Tracys Londonbased alt rock band. The Lexington, Pentonville Rd, N1 9JB (020 7837 5371). £6.

Rosie Bans Pop-soul by the London-based Glaswegian singer-songwriter. The Old Queen’s Head, Essex Rd, N1 8LN (020 7354 9993). £5.

Catfish Kings The band plays R‘n’B and rock ‘n’ roll. Dover St Restaurant And Bar, Dover St, W1S 4LQ (020 7629 9813). £6, free before 10pm.

SATURDAY 14

Shulman’s Klezmer Band The outfit plays traditional Gypsy, folk and swing. The Green Note Cafe, Parkway, NW1 7AN (020 7485 9899). £8.

Anoushka Lucas, Rhys Fletcher, Chris Hicks, Mike Marlin Pop-soul by the Londonbased singer-songwriter. The Troubadour, Old Brompton Rd, SW5 9JA (020 7370 1434). £6. Midgar, Atum, Press To Meco The London-based four-piece performs alt rock. 93 Feet East, Brick Ln, E1 6RU (020 7770 6006). £5. Karin Park Dubstep-infused electronica and synth-pop from the Scandinavian singersongwriter. Proud Camden, The Horse Hospital, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AH (020 7482 3867). £6, w/flyer £5. Psychic Dancehall Alt pop from the joint UK-US duo. Shacklewell Arms, Shacklewell Ln, E8 2EB (020 7249 0810). Free. Hugo Simmonds The musician performs ragtime and stride piano. The Nightjar, City Rd, EC1V 1JB (020 7253 4101). Free. Speak And The Spells, The Hypnotic Eye The London-based band plays psych punk and surf rock. The Old Blue Last, Great Eastern St, EC2A 3ES (020 7739 7033). Free. Mark Wilkins Acoustica from the London-based singer-songwriter. The White Lion, Streatham High Rd, SW16 1BB (020 8677 3341). Free.

Wood Green

Yearners The London-based combo performs an eclectic mix of pop, Afro-Celtic beats and maritime melodies. The Barfly, Camden, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AN (0844 847 2424). £5.

THURSDAY 12

Paul Carrack Pop-rock and soul from the veteran singer-songwriter. Cadogan Hall, Sloane Terrace, SW1X 9DQ (020 7730 4500). £32.50. Frontline Fire Indie-rock and pop band from South Wales. Dublin Castle, Parkway, NW1 7AN (020 8806 2668). £7, adv £5. Darren Hayman The singersongwriter performs solo indie-folk as well as music from Hefner, his former band. The Hideaway, Junction Rd, N19 5LB (020 7561 0779). £10.

Austin TV Instrumental alt rock by the band from Mexico. Bull And Gate, Kentish Town Rd, NW5 2TJ (020 7704 0187). £6, adv/w/flyer £5.

Melic, The Hookz, The Call Up Progressive indie-rock from the London-based band. Archangel, Kensington High St, W8 5NP (020 7938 4137). £8, adv £6.

Alexandra Burke The 2008 X Factor winner performs pop and R‘n’B. O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8TT (020 8354 3300/ cc 0844 477 2000). £30.

Moscow Drug Club Cabaret-style acoustica and Gypsy swing from the four-piece. The Green Note Cafe, Parkway, NW1 7AN (020 7485 9899). £10.

Dark Stares Contemporary rock band from St Albans. The Barfly, Camden, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AN (0844 847 2424). £5.

Soul Fiesta Latin-influenced funk and soul from the sixpiece. Dover St Restaurant And Bar, Dover St, W1S 4LQ (020 7629 9813). £15, diners free before 10pm.

The Fineline, Alameins Torch Indie-rock band from Bradford. Half Moon, Putney, Lower Richmond Rd, SW15 1EU (020 8780 9383). £6. Howl Griff The band plays psychedelic pop and rock. Dublin Castle, Parkway, NW1 7AN (020 8806 2668). £6, adv £4.50. Lanterns On The Lake The Newcastle-based six-piece plays experimental folk. Cargo, Rivington St, EC2A 3AY (020 7739 3440). £10. The Laurels, The Brassic The London-based band plays indierock. New Cross Inn, New Cross Rd, SE14 6AS (020 8692 1866). £5. Martelle, Phil Scott The London-based band plays groove-laden funk, soul and pop. The Troubadour, Old Brompton Rd, SW5 9JA (020 7370 1434). £6.

Space Ritual Progressive and psychedelic rock from the London-based six-piece. The Borderline, Orange Yard, Manette St, W1D 4JB (0870 060 3777/ cc 0871 231 0842). £16.50.

Delicatessen Music and songs from the Balkan and Mediterranean regions and beyond by the London-based band. St Ethelburga’s, Bishopsgate, EC2N 4AG (020 7496 1610). £12. Emanuel And The Fear The Brooklyn-based outfit plays rock. The Borderline, Orange Yard, Manette St, W1D 4JB (0870 060 3777/ cc 0871 231 0842). £8. Plaid, Holotronica Psychedelic electro from the London-based duo of Andrew Turner and Ed Handley. Koko, Camden High St, NW1 7JE (0870 432 5527). £9.50-£15.50. Scant Regard Electronic rock instrumentals from the Londonbased guitarist-songwriter. Dublin Castle, Parkway, NW1 7AN (020 8806 2668). £7, adv £5. Rude 2.0 Experimental music by trombonist Annie Whitehead and colleagues. Cafe Oto, Ashwin St, E8 3DL (020 7923 1231). £7, adv £6. Sykes Birmingham-based rap artist. Ginglik, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8PH (020 8749 2310). £8, £6 before 10pm. The Toy Hearts The Birminghambased band plays bluegrass and Americana. The Green Note Cafe, Parkway, NW1 7AN (020 7485 9899). £7.

Martin Stephenson The multi-instrumentalist and former member of The Daintees plays rootsy pop. Downstairs At The King’s Head, Crouch End Hill, N8 8AA (020 8340 1028). £15. Viva Las Vegas The band plays psychobilly and rockabilly. 12 Bar Club, Denmark Place, WC2H 8NL (020 7240 2622). £6. Waxing Captors The Ipswichbased five-piece plays garagepop. Underbelly, Hoxton Sq, N1 6NU (020 7837 4412). £6, £4 before 8pm.

Metropolis High energy soul sixpiece. Dover St Restaurant And Bar, Dover St, W1S 4LQ (020 7629 9813). £12, free before 10pm.

Jake Wilson Folk and Americana singer-songwriter from Ohio. The Magnolia, Lordship Ln, SE22 8HA (07985 357958). £6.

The New Forbidden Lloyd Grossman’s outfit plays punk-rock. Archangel, Kensington High St, W8 5NP (020 7938 4137). £7, adv £5.

You Save You Garage-rock and punk by the Londonbased band. Bull And Gate, Kentish Town Rd, NW5 2TJ (020 7704 0187). £6, adv/w/flyer £5.

Clara Sanabras The singersongwriter and guitarist plays psych folk and blues. The Vortex Jazz Club, Dalston Culture House, Gillett St, N16 8JH (020 7254 4097). £10.

Chickenfoot Hard rock from the American supergroup featuring former Van Halen members Sammy Hagar and Michael Anthony, solo artist Joe Satriani and Chad Smith from the Red Hot Chili Peppers. O2 Academy Brixton, Stockwell Rd, SW9 9SL (0844 477 2000). £32.50.

Zoo For You Tropical ska-blues eight-piece from Canterbury. Rich Mix, Bethnal Green Rd, E1 6LA (020 7613 7498). £7, adv £5.

Gordon Webber’s Road Runners The nine-piece big band plays soul and Motown. Dover St Restaurant And Bar, Dover St, W1S 4LQ (020 7629 9813). £15, diners free before 10pm.

SUNDAY 15 Chris Difford The singer and Squeeze member performs contemporary folk-pop in support of his album Cashmere If You Can. Half Moon, Putney, Lower Richmond Rd, SW15 1EU (020 8780 9383). £10. Rachel Kerr R‘n’B and soul from the London-based singersongwriter. Bush Hall, Uxbridge Rd, W12 7LJ (020 8222 6955). £15. Muha, The Varangians Eastern European music by the band. Dublin Castle, Parkway, NW1 7AN (020 8806 2668). £4.50 & £6. Tom Russell The Texas-based singer-songwriter and musician plays bluesy country and atmospheric folk-rock. Cecil Sharp House, Regents Park Rd, NW1 7AY (020 7485 2206). £14.50.

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Cie Lâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;Imme (and below right)

The No Fit State Circus (and far left) Gandini Juggling and Blind Summit (left)

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Leaving you speechless Dark undertones and stories of manipulated lovers – you won’t find painted buffoons at the London International Mime Festival WORDS CLARE VOOGHT

Perhaps unfairly, mime in 2012 isn’t seen as the headturning, boundary-pushing art form it once was. For many, the stereotypes – white-faced men in stripy jumpers, trapped in boxes, sad clowns with over-zealous facial expressions, and Marcel Marceau – bring to mind a dated comedic genre that should be left where it came from. But the word in its original form simply means acting out a story through human movement, without dialogue. And when that’s done well, mime is an exciting and valid nonverbal art form. Shunning the stereotypes, this month’s London International Mime Festival promises no tiresome buffoon sketches. Instead,15 theatre companies will present their speechless stories of bereavement, love, manipulation and illness, which they express physically. Imagine a Cirque du Soleil without words, and much artier and grittier. “The image is everything,“ says the festival’s co-founder and co-director, Joseph Seelig. “These art forms are often able to express ideas and emotions more eloquently than words can. People who come to the festival know they’re going to see something that’s off-the-wall, but they might not know exactly what. "If you go and see Hamlet, you know what you’re in for. If you go and see a bunch of Russian clowns doing something called Gobo Digital, you haven’t really much of a clue.“ Now in its 35th year, the two-and-a-half week event is London’s longest running annual international theatre festival. This year, acts come from Australia, Belgium, Japan, Spain, France and Switzerland, as well as the UK. And it’s the lack of dialogue that breaks down language barriers and makes the work internationally accessible. “If a play’s spoken, it’s perhaps easier to understand than something that isn’t,“ Seelig says. “But people flock to dance or to other forms of non-verbal theatre. They’ve just got to use their imagination a bit more, and people who go to theatre want to do that. It’s like listening to music – it opens a million different interpretations. That’s why live theatre is exciting.” Non-verbal performance spans genres. Mime in this case is an umbrella term for shows with heavy visual emphasis. They can be set to a soundtrack or have the occasional word thrown in, as long as they lack a scripted dialogue.

Mime in this sense, encompasses contemporary circus, puppetry, magic, clown theatre, performance art – all kinds of staged visual theatre that don’t count as plays. UK-based company Gandini Juggling will perform Smashed, inspired by the late German choreographer Pina Bausch. It’s an elaborate, hour-long exploration of the darker, manipulative side of relationships between men and

“

Imagine Cirque du Soleil, but grittier

”

women, using one hundred apples and a lot of crockery. Havana-born Sean Gandini is leading the battle to restore mime’s credibility. “We have to fight to show that the work is so different and diverse,“ he says. “The organisers of the festival are good at recovering ››

No ring, again: once more, Christmas was a disappointment for Gollum TNTMAGAZINE.COM

Kulunka Teatro and Hiroaki Umeda (right) people that are slightly uncategorisable. We’re not dance, we’re not circus, we’re not theatre. There’s nowhere to put us. I suppose performance art is a good word, or theatre art. I don’t know. It’s hard to describe. Maybe it’s just juggling.“ Fleur Elise Noble’s 2 Dimensional Life Of Her stalks further into the realm of performance art, using drawings, animation, puppetry, projection and paper to “immerse the audience in the space between the maker and the made, the artist and their artwork“. The Australian artist, who grew up in the apple-growing town of Lenswood in the Adelaide Hills, would never dream of using the word mime to describe her performance, but understands why anyone interested in it would appreciate her non-verbal theatrical offerings. But what’s her performance really all about? “If you can imagine being surrounded by a giant pop-up picture book with every surface alive with projection and acting as a doorway into another reality, then it’s possible you’d have a very fuzzy sense of what to expect,“ Noble says. “But I’m afraid that’s about the best I can do. 2

Dimensional Life Of Her is a highly visual experience that is virtually impossible to explain with words.“ Although sceptics may view such an answer as a cop-out, the key to nonverbal performance like mime, is that you develop your own interpretation as you watch. The visual, wordless art form can be taken at face value – with moments that are at times slapstick; props and stage design that are impressive; alongside skills that are honed – or the audience can hunt for the story, however opaque it might be. Either way, it’s dramatic, it’s entertaining and it is, unquestionably, a visual spectacle capable of crossing cultural boundaries. When asked what she’d say to anyone rooted in their stripy-jumper-man-in-a-box prejudices, Noble’s stance is firm: “I’d ask them to re-enact all the things they didn’t like about it, and if that wasn’t entertaining enough, I’d suggest they do it in a tutu.“ ❚ London International Mime Festival – across six venues throughout the capital, January 11-29. Tickets sold individually for each show, from £7 mimefest.co.uk

HIROAKI UMEDA: HAPTIC + HOLISTIC STRATA

BLIND SUMMIT: THE TABLE

KULUNKA TEATRO: NOFIT STATE ANDRE AND CIRCUS: MUNDO DORINE PARALELO

You couldn’t get further away from the dated view of mime if you tried. Tokyo-based artist Hiroaki Umeda performs his contemporary street dance while bright digital images are projected on to him as loud music roars and strobe lights flash.

Contains dancing severed heads, a miniature cardboard Moses and a story told with pictures removed from a briefcase. The ethos is “no man is an island, but sometimes a puppet can be a table“. See this Edinburgh sell-out for dark humour.

An elderly couple’s memories are guzzled by Alzheimer’s. Based on a true story, the piece is thought-provoking and surprisingly uplifting. The illness and subsequent questions on identity are encountered with warmth and humour by masked actors.

Mon, Jan 16 & Tue, Jan 17, 7.45pm Linbury Studio Theatre, Royal Opera House, Bow Street, WC2E 9DD roh.org.uk Covent Garden

Wed, Jan 11-Sat, Jan 21, 7.30pm, except Sun, Jan 15. Thu & Sat 3pm.Soho Theatre, 21 Dean Street, W1D 3NE sohotheatre.com Tottenham Court Road

Thurs, Jan 26 – Sat, Jan 28, 7.45pm, and Sun, Jan 29, 4pm. Purcell Room, Southbank Centre, Belvedere Road, SE1 8XX southbankcentre.co.uk Waterloo

£7+

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£10

£15

Welsh company, Nofit State teams contemporary circus and theatre and is set in a world where impossible human skills are commonplace. Gravity-defying acrobatics, tell the interwoven stories of this new production. £15

Fri, Jan 20, 7.30pm, Sat, Jan 21, 3pm & 7.30pm, Sun, Jan 22, 3pm. Queen Elizabeth Hall, Southbank Centre, Belvedere Road, SE1 8XX southbankcentre.co.uk Waterloo

You TNT readers are a restless, wandering bunch; hiking, sailing and boozing your way around the cities, oceans, deserts and bars and of our fair planet. But, luckily for us, you like to stay in touch from your mountain peaks or bar stools, and here are the results.

? D L R O W E WHERE IN TH et us. Bless

they never forg t bu , op sh e th er ov NT readers get all

Rhonda in the Galapagos Islands

Tanya at La Tomatina, Spain

IF WE CHOOSE YOUR PICTURE YOU COULD WIN A TRIP TO BATH AND STONEHENGE SO GET POSING!

Francesca in the Serengeti National Park

(See P67)

Hayley on Anacapri Island, Italy

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h s i l g n E h c TeCaombine travel & work

Language School

e s r u o C L F E T e iv s n e t In d n e k Wee Perfect for readers looking to: ‹ Combine travel and work ‹ Teach during their gap year ‹ Have a career change ‹ Work part-time with flexible hours

} There are many job opportunities worldwide to teach English to children, teenagers or adults.

} You could be in Eastern Europe, Italy, Spain, Costa Rica or Japan teaching English in a classroom, privately one-to-one, or even online.

DATE 11-12 Feb, 2012 TIME 9am - 6pm VENUE Holland Park YHA Holland House, Holland Walk Kensington W8 7QU High St Kensington or Holland Park

* Teaching English as a Foreign Language

For further info or to book your place see:

ONLY Courses conducted by International TEFL Training

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£150

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Joe Satriani The guitar virtuoso on why rock bands shouldn’t think, stupid band names and how Hendrix changed his life INTERVIEW ALASDAIR MORTON

Where did the band name Chickenfoot come from? Back when Sammy [Hagar] was a teenager about to take the stage with a thrown-together band, he came up with the name and said it to the announcer. It has become a private joke he’s kept using any time he had a project he didn’t think was serious. By the time I joined Chickenfoot, they [bandmates Sammy and Mark Anthony – Van Halen; Chad Smith – Red Hot Chili Peppers] were laughing about how they would never let that name stick. If you try too hard to think about a band name you always get it wrong, and when a rock band tries to be clever everything goes wrong. I thought it’s so wrong it’s perfect: not a combination of names or styles of our other bands, it’s not topical or dated. If we had called the band The Chickenfoot Explosion we might have sounded like all those early 2000s bands. But for nine months, everyone thought we would change it. Were you surprised to be asked to join? Sam called in Feb ’09 to invite me to a celeb jam at the end of one of his Las Vegas shows. I did it for fun but it was instantly solid. Everyone sensed they had jumped out of their normal skin to play a different way – this classic rock homage thing, which no one expected. You’d expect Chad to be tight and funky, Sammy to be like Van Halen, me like my solo records, but what we do is unique and has kept the band together. Did you have any anxieties about being part of a ‘supergroup’? No, that’s just a made-up concept. When you are in the middle, it’s just four guys making music – you’re not thinking about what people on the outside think or how it will go down in history. Where did the 3D packaging for second album Chickenfoot III come from? It was from not thinking, the typical Chickenfoot approach. I came off tour and went straight in the studio with the band. I was told there might be some 3D photography stuff but when I got there it turned out to be a fullblown 3D photo and video session. So I was in this vocal booth with a few guitars for an hour and half with these photographers all over me. That’s why I look so pissed off.

Axe legend: life lived through six strings Is it going to be different on the road without Chad for the UK tour? We knew Chad would be with the Chilis for a year before. He supplied us with Kenny, the perfect replacement. He’s like Keith Moon [The Who], John Bonham [Led Zeppelin] and Mitch Mitchell [Jimi Hendrix Experience] in one. Do you have any advice for people wanting to follow in your footsteps? Get experience playing live. American Idol, X Factor, they focus on performance and you see people with all the talent who either excel or fall apart in front of an audience. There was a while, with file sharing and the internet, where people thought, “all we have to do is get on YouTube”. They stopped thinking about performance. When did you know you wanted to play guitar? From early in my life. I was an aspiring drummer at the age of nine and got in to guitar players through my older siblings who would listen to all these records from the Sixties and Seventies. I was too young to be part of it, but I had a curious fascination with all these records back when rock was counter-culture. I gravitated to Hendrix, who was the most fascinating artist I’d ever seen. The day he died was the day it crystalised in my mind and, from then on, I focused entirely on playing electric guitar.

Do you ever think you might have taken a different path? If it wasn’t rock music, I would have picked whatever lifestyle would have taken me far away from my immediate surroundings: my mother was a school teacher, my father an engineer. I would not have done that. I would have left New York and opened a bait shop in St Barts, or something. You filed a copyright infringement case against Coldplay – any hard feelings? It exposes how musicians work. Most of the time everything is on the up and up. About a year ago, we were communicated to by Nicki Minaj about using a sample of my song Always With Me, Always With You, for her first single, and the whole thing couldn’t have been smoother. Do you still try to improve? I drive everybody crazy, first my family as a teenager, now my wife and son. I realised years ago I wanted to dedicate myself to being the best musician I could be, I like the idea of striving to be great. If I didn’t, I would walk away and open up that bait shop. Chickenfoot play Brixton Academy Jan 14 211 Stockwell Road, SW9 9SL o2academybrixton.co.uk Brixton

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‘It’s OK. I’ll make sure Daniel Radcliffe doesn’t come anywhere near you’

WAR HORSE FILM review by Alasdair Morton STARRING: Jeremy Irvine, Tom Hiddlestone, Benedict Cumberbatch | 12A | 146mins

SHAME FILM STARRING: Michael Fassbender, Carey Mulligan | 18 | 101mins

Fassbender and writer-director Steve McQueen turned heads with their first collaboration, 2008’s Hunger, and are sure to turn even more with their provocative and Oscar-tipped study of New York sex addict Brandon Sullivan. Carey Mulligan co-stars as Brandon’s sister in a role set to leave her ‘English Rose’ persona even further behind. On general release from Jan 13

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Spielberg’s latest seems an odd choice for the filmmaker: an adaptation of a West End stage show, adapted from Michael Morpurgo’s novel, that swept him off his feet – in particular, its fantastic puppetry. The emotional tale at its heart, though – one boy’s relationship with his horse, set against the backdrop of the First World War, complete with ‘Berg-ready absent father dynamics in Peter Mullan’s warsavaged alcoholic old man – makes it clear to see what appealed. War Horse tells the story of Albert and equine Joey, the latter sent off to war where he passes through the hands – and lives – of an assortment of characters. Whereas the source novel was told from Joey’s view, Spielberg’s is more from that of the people Joey encounters: Hiddlestone’s soldier, Cumberbatch’s cavalryman, two German brothers, and a war-torn family in occupied France, among others. While some chapters should have been excised, this structure mostly works, and Spielberg does conjure the cinematic grandeur you’d expect. Unfortunatley, though, a misplaced sense of humour sullies the emotional thrust. Whether this is exchanges with the Gerries across the trenches, or knockabout farm moments in Dorset (a tiresome farm goose?), when combined with the Great War’s pre-teen-friendly bloodless depiction, it results in a film that shies away from the difficult moments, to its detriment. The odd scene excels despite this (a suddenly rider-less cavalry charge) but without the hard times hitting home, the climactic reuniting of boy and beast packs less punch than it should. GOOD FOR: Fans of Spielberg on cynical-free form – even the Germans are cute!

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MICKY FLANAGAN: WORK IN PROGRESS

GIGGLE!

COMEDY

Flanagan has recently done four nights at the prestigious – and decidedly larger – Hammersmith Apollo, and a residency in the West End, but you can now catch the wisecracking cockney in these intimate surrounds as he trials new material. Some might be stunning, some might be shit – you’ll have to get down there to find out.

Ha ha!

Soho Theatre 21 Dean Street, W1D 3NE. Jan 11-14. £10 sohotheatre.com Oxford Circus

EXORCISING THE FEAR

JOKING APART

EXHIBITION

THEATRE

Focusing on three sculptors in particular – Lynn Chadwick, Eduardo Paolozzo and William Turnbull – who were active in the Fifties and Sixties, this exhibition of British sculpture highlights the impact their groundbreaking work, characterised by tortured, contorted figures, had on the postWWII public and British sculpture in the future.

Happily unmarried hosts Richard and Anthea’s well-meaning attempts to improve the lives of those around them consistently backfire in Alan Ayckbourn’s 1978 social comedy. The performances could be deeper but they still convey the sadness of the golden couple as the years take their toll on those around. LK

Pangolin London King’s Place, N1 9AG. Jan 11-Mar 3 pangolinlondon.com King’s Cross

Union Theatre Union Street, SE1 0LX. To Jan 14. £16 uniontheatre.biz Southwark

THE PAJAMA MEN Tell us about your show In The Middle Of No One? Imagine two guys doing comedy in pajamas. Now imagine them in a more interesting way. Now repeat until you’ve got something worth buying a ticket to. What’s the weirdest question you’ve been asked? “Do you want to come into the fridge or should I wheel one out?” My brother ran a cadaver laboratory. Did you consider any other stage names? We used to be called Sabotage. Pajama Men worked better with our outfits.

Photos: Steve Ullathorne

What’s your best joke? My worst is: I went for a walk in the park... it was really easy. I thought that was hilarious – no one got it.

MARGIN CALL

STONES IN HIS POCKET

FILM

THEATRE

Set in the offices of a Wall Street investment bank the day before the world’s financial institutions went tits-up, this thrilling ensemble (Kevin Spacey, Paul Bettany, Jeremy Irons, Demi Moore) drama investigates the attitudes (arrogance, recklessness and self-preservation) that brought the world to its economic knees. It won’t make you dislike bankers any less.

Marie Jones’s 1966 hit, under Indhu Rubasingham’s assured direction, combines the comic with the tragic as extras Charlie and Jake, on location in a rural Irish village for a Hollywood romantic blockbuster, see the multi-billion dollar movie machine threaten local countryside existence. LK

On general release from Jan 13

Tricycle Kilburn High Road, NW6 7JR. To Feb 4. £14-£24 tricycle.co.uk Kilburn

What was your first sketch? Something to do with two spies searching for nooks and crannies. They found a granny in a valley who showed them her cranny. I’d like to think we’ve progressed some since then, but I’m probably kidding myself. Pajama Men: In The Middle Of No One, Soho Theatre, W1D 3NE. Jan 9-Mar 3, £21.50

sohotheatre.com

Oxford Circus

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SPARETIME

Taio Cruz: TY.O

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Mario and Sonic at the London 2012 Olympics

Album

Wii

An infectious pop album titled so people pronounce the singer’s name right. £8.99 tesco.com

Compete with famous Sonic and Mario characters. £29.00 asda.com

Rayman Origins The Maccabees: Given To The Wild

X360

Remember the Rayman fun, with four-player mode. £24.99 play.com

Album

Album number three from the religiously named London indie rockers. £7.95 zavvi.com

Last.fm Discover Internet app

Find emerging artists – with downloads, unlimited listening and shareable mixes. Free last.fm

Kim, Kourney And Khloe Kardashian: Dollhouse Book

A novel about a complicated, high-profile family. £10.19 whsmith.co.uk

Can I eat it? iPhone app

January dieters can scan barcodes on food to be told if they should eat it or not. £1.99 itunes.apple.com

Steve Redgrave: Great Olympic Moments Book

Top Olympic stories with stunning photos alongside. £12.99 play.com

LomoKino Super 35 movie maker Camera

Purveyors of analogue bring lo-fi movies on to 35mm film. £65.00 lomography.com

Stag Night Of The Dead DVD

Paintball, strippers and zombies – just another stag party gone wrong. £8.95 thehut.com

Gimme tunes Speakers

Pump out your tunes from these shoe-shaped speakers. Also in pink and black. £29.99 bouf.com

Shameless: Series 8 DVD

The gloriously dysfunctional Gallagher clan embark on another madcap series. £22.99 sainsburys.co.uk

App of the Week War on Terror iPhone

Addictive satirical strategy game where there are no goodies, baddies or genuine allies – just money. Get the coveted oil. £1.49 itunes.apple.com

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Pewter oversize metallic blazer Complete the look with skinny trousers and metallic shoes. Be bold!

Sleveless metallic dress Like a gold morph suit, only much, much prettier. houseoffraser.co.uk

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PENHALIGON’S POP-UP PERFUMERY Penhaligon’s Covent Garden perfumery is a bastion of great British taste and evocative scents, and, 135 years after it first opened in Jermyn Street, the smell merchant has launched a pop-up store on the other side of the city. The shop is packed with 34 rare hand-squeezed scents, including Penhaligon’s trademark Blenheim’s Bouquet, and traditional British fragrance, Lily of the Valley. They are packaged in beautiful glass bottles with ribbon-wrapped stoppers, modelled after the original bottle created by the store’s founder, William Penhaligon. Also on sale are manicure sets and men’s grooming products. The most exciting feature is Penhaligon’s scent-profiling service and advice on layering fragrances – which will help you create either your own bespoke scent, or a unique gift. It might be too late for Christmas, but quality perfume is an anytime treat. OPEN Daily 10:30am-7pm until Jan 15 Penhaligons.com 111b Commercial Street, E1 6BG Aldgage East

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LIFESTYLEHEALTH CLASS OF THE WEEK

BOOTCAMP PILATES This is a venue that looks to the body-strengthening principles of First World War veteran, Joseph Pilates, who, while convalescing in a war camp, urged his bedridden comrades to deploy whatever tools they could muster to perform resistance exercise while they were lying down. Bedsprings, cables, springs and pulleys had never been so utilised. Fast forward 100 years and the Reformer machine is essentially a sophisticated reproduction of the Pilates’ hospital bed. It is also at the heart of Pilates Bootcamp, used in the classes at its four London venues to form a dynamic style of pilates class, which combines traditional mat-based pilates with circuit training. The contraption is kind to the skeleton and joints, and helps lengthen and strengthen muscles without putting on bulk. Essentially, it is the ultimate stretching and toning workout. Commit to Bootcamp’s classes, and your posture will thank you for it, too. Additionally, you are promised improved co-ordination, increased stamina, better breathing and sharper concentration. But this is ‘Bootcamp’, remember. So expect your arms, legs, butts and thighs to take a right old beating. £18.00

Detox danger After the gluttony and sloth of Christmas, you’ll be bombarded with diet ideas. Do they work? WORDS FRANKIE MULLIN

Everyone’s obsessed with the idea of detoxes and, as such, you can cleanse yourself with everything from apples to Ayahuasca. We talk to Doctor Cara Jennings to find out the facts behind the fads.

The raw food diet Chowing down on uncooked plant foods has been advocated by the skinny likes of Gwyneth Paltrow and its followers claim better digestion, improved complexion and more energy. Jennings says that, as some B vitamins are destroyed by heat, there are benefits to eating some veggies raw. However, she disputes the claim that raw foods speed up metabolism and shrink fat cells. “You’ll need to get down to the gym for that,” she says.

The alkalising detox diet Apparently Kate Moss is a fan of this one, which suggests that substituting acidic foods (meat, fish, grains and cereals) with alkaline

foods (fruit, veg, green tea, soya and plant oils) helps you lose weight. Not so, says Jennings. “The acidity of the body is tightly controlled by the kidneys and the lungs. It can only be altered by strong acids or alkalis. Most foods are around pH neutral. I don’t think there is any scientific basis for this diet.”

The lemon detox Made famous by Beyonce, this detox involves drinking only water, lemon juice, cayenne pepper and maple syrup. Proponents claim the diet should be done for a minimum of 10 and a maximum of 45 days. “This diet looks dangerous. After 45 days I would be expecting to see you in my emergency department in a metabolic coma,” Jennings says.

Colonic hydrotherapy Having your intestines flushed out with water to ‘rid your body of toxins’ is

Studios in Notting Hill, Hoxton, Fulham and Richmond bootcamppilates.com

Raw food frenzy

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Take [Caption] a trip in the name of detoxing

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Go green: plenty of nutrition for the week, honest

WHAT’S NEW

Mindfold Total darkness, even with your eyes open £12.20 vital-life.org.uk

increasingly mainstream. Be careful. “Sticking pipes up bottoms isn’t a good idea unless performed by a surgeon – and even then it sometimes results in a perforated bowel. I wouldn’t trust a beautician with my anal canal,” Jennings warns.

Detoxifying seaweed wrap Many salons offer seaweed and algae wraps, the minerals and enzymes of which are said to eliminate toxins. “This sounds wonderful and will surely leave you glowing,” Jennings says. “But it won’t increase elimination of toxins. The liver and kidneys can only do this at a certain rate, although drinking more water will increase the filtration rate of your kidneys and some exercise will increase blood flow through these organs, speeding up the process a bit.”

Shamanic detox According to shamanic practice, drinking hallucinogenic Ayahuasca will bring about both a mental and physical cleanse. Jennings is cautious. “Having witnessed a girl get very dehydrated and having petrifying hallucinations in the middle of the Amazon rainforest, I can only say no!”

Natural Wisdom miniature set Bursting with pomegranate £12.00 naturalwisdom.co.uk

Infrared sauna detox Infrared heat, so the story goes, is absorbed into the body, helping you sweat out calories and toxins. “Like sitting by a fire, loss of fluid will mean NEXT WEEK you lose weight, Work it: the fitness but only until you fads for 2012 have a drink,” Jennings says.

Heat defence spray For styling or trips to sunny climes £5.10 boots.com

TOP TREATMENT: QUICK LUNCH FIX If you’re skint but in need of some sprucing up, help is at hand in the form of the Ray Cochrane Beauty School in central London. You’ll be seen by a qualifying beauty therapist, who will be supervised by an experienced teacher, meaning your treatment will be a bargain. Try a 20-minute Dermalogica Zap Derma treatment which targets specific areas of dehydration, redness or heavy congestion for just £8.

[Caption]

118 Baker Street, W1U 6TT

raycochrane.co.uk

Baker Street

Good To Go travel pack Men’s globetrotting essentials £20.00 greenpeople.co.uk

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Smile: this isn’t a funeral

It’s year of the job Keep your finger on the pulse of job hunting trends in 2012 to ensure career success WORDS REBECCA KENT Changing your job, or steering your career in a new direction, is at the top of many people’s new year’s wishes. But shifts in technology and a downturn in the economy, mean you have to be more astute to get the job you want. TNT finds out how.

Arm yourself with optimism Don’t get sucked into the pervading air of doom and gloom, says Simon Broomer, a career coach with Career Balance. He insists there are jobs out there, but you just have to be “cheeky” about getting them. He suggests starting by pinpointing companies you’d like to work for: “Watch their website and their social media closely, look at what they’re doing like you’re investing in them.” 36

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You can also narrow the parameters of your online job searching by calling these companies’ recruitment managers to ask where they advertise their vacancies. Be bolder still by telling them you’d like to work for them, Broomer says. “Ask if you can meet with them to discuss how you and the company might work. The worst they can say is no.”

Get plucked from the pack CVs are a crucial element of the job hunt, yet opinions vary on how they should be presented. Broomer insists you keep it at two pages, with no photo, and focus on the past 10 years of your education and working life. Include a succinct profile, but avoid trite phrases like ‘highly motivated’ and ‘team player’.

“Your profile needs to include something that defines you, not every other candidate applying,” he says. “Mention three things you have to offer your employer that would set you apart from other candidates. A degree, or a language skill, for example.” Employers’ get emailed CVs every day, so Broomer suggests sending yours as a hard copy through the post – they’ll be sure to remember it.

Network online Social media is the smartest way to find work, and LinkedIn, in particular, with 35 million members in more than 140 industries, is invaluable for reaching decision-makers. Join your industry network on the site and post in your status update, and

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ON THE JOB HELEN CHEETHAM CAREER Usability consultant AGE 27 LIVES Putney FROM Hertfordshire

They’re out there, you just need to look in forums, that you are looking. “Find the profiles of individual people you admire in your industry and see what they’ve done in their careers. If you like what they’ve done, drop them an email and ask to have a coffee with them,” Broomer says.

Photos: Thinkstock

Light up a room

How did you get into your line of work? I started working life as an occupational therapist for the NHS. My role was to rehabilitate people with physical disabilities and adapt their environment to maximise their independence and quality of life. This led me to ergonomics and usability, which are about designing things to be easy and pleasing to use, intuitive and engaging.

Learn to light up a room ASSESS YOUR ‘CAREER’? C is for clarity. Ascertain your level of satisfaction. Are you happy, or is it time for a career change? A is for attitude. If your words and actions are negative, be more upbeat. You’ll feel better for it. R is for relationships. Review your contacts and make more time for the positive and like-minded. E is for excellence. Be your best self and inspire those around you. E is for equipped. Cultivate your talents, knowledge and skills. They are integral to a better you. R is for reflection. Pause to assess your physical, mental and financial health.

Interviews are a golden opportunity to seal a job, yet, in this era of phone chats, email conversation and texts, Broomer fears we’ve lost the art of face-to-face communication. “So few people know nowadays how to make an impact when they’re in a room. This is one chance you have to impress someone with your presence,” he says. “Light up a room with your smile – you’re not at a funeral – and make eye contact. If you don’t, they’ll think something’s wrong with you, or you’re hiding something. Also, don’t put up any barriers, like folding up your arms. “Before you answer any questions, think, ‘why are they asking me this question? What do they want to know?

Is it my persona, my skills set, my values, or my knowledge?’ – and always give your best.” Broomer also urges you go armed with plenty of your own work-related anecdotes, Finally, ask plenty of questions. “I once said in an interview, ‘I think your business model is fatally flawed. Why do you think the company hasn’t been doing so well?’ and I got the job. It shows you’ve done your research.”

You can always do more If you don’t want to leave your job, but feel you can get more out of it, put yourself in good stead for a promotion by being more pro-active than usual. “Don’t look for gratitude, just do it for your own professional achievements and personal development. Try to use a skill you’re not currently using. At the least you’ll have something to put on your CV, NEXT WEEK at the most, you’ll earn a reward. Top careers for the coming year It’s a win-win,” Broomer says.

What do you do day to day? I test, evaluate and review clients’ product, website and app prototypes and final designs then recommend improvements. This ensures the item is a success and makes the client more money. The best part of your job? Being involved from the very beginning of the design process. What’s the most challenging? Trying to get children to make sense of new prototypes without giving them all the answers.

HOW TO ... ANSWER INTERVIEW QUESTIONS

• Tell me about yourself: include impressive achievements, enthusiasm for the job, avoid personal information.

• What are your weaknesses?

turn them into positives. Eg, “I like to make things happen and get frustrated discussing them without action.” Or, choose a weakness you have improved through a course.

• Why do you want this job?

convey how your skills match the requirements, and the company’s good reputation.

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tntjobs.co.uk C W PUBLISHING LTD

JOB OF THE WEEK: Senior Accounts Assistant Location: Islington, London Salary: £27,500 - £30,000

T: 033 3344 1350 cwcomms.com We are a busy Islington based boutique publishing company, who produce a variety of titles, which are advertising funded.

Excellent communication skills, both verbal and written, and minimum 3 years’ experience required. Within the Finance team, you will be responsible for managing the Accounts Assistant, maintaining purchase and sales ledgers and month-end accounts preparation. Kirstin Bagnall | 033 3344 1350 | Kirstin.bagnall@cwcomms.com

JOB OF THE WEEK: Experienced Marquee Foremen or Riggers Location: London Salary: £ 7 - £ 10 ph + Bonuses

BERRY MARQUEES LTD T: 01784 471 410 www.berrymarquees.com

Have you got the skills needed to join our team? Checkout our website and see what we deliver to our clients. We have several full time positions available straight away. We can offer transport to work from Putney daily.

Berry Marquees Ltd lives by its motto ‘Excellence Above All Else’, providing the highest quality marquees to the events industry.

jim@berrymarquees.com | 01784 471 410

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MULTIMEDIA

TNT Multimedia is a well-respected and long established brand. With offices in London & Sydney we are a fast growing media company.

JOB OF THE WEEK: Research Sales Consultant Location: Sydney Salary: $35k- $40k - OTE $55k - $60k We are expanding our Sydney office by recruiting for our latest B2B magazine Australasia Outlook magazine which will add to the renowned TNT brand. You would ideally need to be experienced on the telephone with good communications skills, be self-motivated to achieve targets. Sean Brett | sean.brett@tntmagazine.com

Looking for your next job? NEW JOBS ONLINE EVERY DAY 38

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CASH-SAVING TIPS

LIFESTYLEMONEY

HOW YOU SPEND IT!

The start of the year Xxxxxxxxx means it’s time to be tight

Any money-saving tips for living in London? Cycling. Two trips a day on the Tube adds up to £80 a month, so get a bike through your company with the government’s cycle to work scheme – it’s tax-free and you can pay in installments. Plus, it’s so much quicker than the train.

XXXXXXXXX Xxxxxxxxxxx JET OFF ON THE CHEAP

If you’re planning a trip, book during the January XXXXXXXXX sales to save heaps of Xxxxxxxxxxx money on your travels. Bmibaby (bmibaby.com) XXXXXXXXX are offering European Xxxxxxxxxxx flights from as little as £19.99. Winter’s not XXXXXXXXX looking so depressing Xxxxxxxxxxx after all. GET THE CHEAPEST TAXIS Booking in advance makes taxi fares a lot less painful, and you can get the best rates online, through cab fare comparison sites like taxiquoter.co.uk. So that means more money for booze. Hurrah!

DAN BRYANT, 23 JOB PR, Red Dog Comms FROM Romford, Essex LIVES Vauxhall How do you budget? I’ve a spreadsheet set up to document all my outgoings,

Photos: Getty

Last big blow-out? It was my girlfriend’s birthday last month, so I splurged on a trip to Paris. What non-essential items do you spend money on? Depends how essential you class going to the pub!

HOW THEY SPEND IT! Paranormal (cash) activity

AVOID HIGH ROAMING CHARGES ABROAD A cheeky new app, Vyke, has been released to cut roaming charges completely for android users abroad. You’ll be alerted to potential data roaming charges and asked to connect to WiFi when you arrive, plus the app lets you text for 4p and WiFi call for 1p per minute. m.vyke.com DETOX DIETS /34 AUSTRALIA /74

so I can see where my money is going – but I don’t update that often enough! I always try to think ahead though about what’s coming out (haircuts, train, food) and see what’s left to spend on socialising.

Will Smith reportedly made £23million for starring in the upcoming Men In Black III. Rather than making bucks from the paranormal, other celebs are dishing out bucketloads

❚ In 2011, Jodie Foster was one who donated to SETI (Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence Institute) after the US government stopped funds. The institute raised more than £130,000 so it could continue the search for alien life.

Gaga the Ghost Buster

❚ Lady Gaga, who is petrified of evil spirits, apparently spent £30,000 on ghostdetecting equipment.

❚ Celebrity psychic Sally Morgan charges £150 an hour for her predictions and lists Uma Thurman, George Michael and Mel B as her clients. ❚ X-Files star Gillian Anderson hired someone to perform a “smudging” ritual after she moved into a house near an Indian burial ground in Vancouver. The rituals cost up to £1000.

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HOME

STYLE .12 £14

Nomskulls brain cake moulds Bake some cranium cupakes play.com

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A cut above the rest Fulham, SW6

In the nest: stay cocooned in the ‘Fulham bubble’

WORDS CLARE VOOGHT

Faux-silk bird cage cushion Some Victorian vintage home style qvcuk.com

This affluent part of south west London has been attracting rich kids and young professionals for years. Its tight-knit centres – Fulham Broadway, Parsons Green and Wandsworth Bridge Road – have enough bars, shops and restaurants to keep you in what locals call the “Fulham Bubble”.

Why Fulham?

£4.

Virgin mary glitter money box No jokes about pennies and slots paperchase.co.uk

The area’s busy, chock-full of pubs and it’s far enough out of central London to feel like you’re getting away in the evenings. It’s also posh, well-off and safe – all reasons why Fulhamites are devoted to where they live. Stacey Dryden, who lives in and works Fulham, at Chard estate agents, says: “I stay in my bubble. I need to get out of it, but it’s just too good! I love it. It’s full of young people so it has a great atmosphere.” Football fans will be at home straight away, with Chelsea’s stadium and Fulham FC in the area, while it’s also got a few green spaces and the river to the south.

Hayward estate agents: “Laidback, young and they like going out and socialising.”

Where to hang out There are parks, like Hurlingham, (where you’ll find polo – the event of the summer, darling) and Fulham Palace Gardens, where there are open-air film screenings. Fulham also has a good choice of beer gardens, with The White Horse (famous for its summer barbecues) and Aragon House on Parsons Green. There are plenty of winter hangouts too – The Blue Elephant Thai restaurant is renowned for its grub, as is Del

Don’t move here if...

.0 £10

You want to save money – high demand has made sure rent in the area is above average.

The people

Where’s Wally doorstop Can you spot him under your door? urbanoutfitters.co.uk

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A mix of sociable, cash-rich young professionals in their twenties and thirties, who spend a big chunk of their free time in the bars, as well as quite a few young families and a big French population. Fulham attracts a type of person, says Jane Jenrick from Kinleigh Folkard and

Aziz Moroccan restaurant. There’s Vagabond Wines (vagabondwines.co.uk), where there are affordable wine tasting evenings and, for a tone lower, the Elk bar does some tempting deals on cocktails.

The connections Transport couldn’t be better – Fulham has several stations in Zone 2, and if you live in

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BEATTIE Creative

head, 30 “It’s lively, but not overly busy. My favourite places to go are the Harwood Arms, which is a Michelinstarred pub, and the Malt House – it’s a local pub, but trendied-up.”

ELLA

NAWROCKA Carer, 26

the north end of the area, you can walk to Earl’s Court, which is in Zone 1, and save a packet on your commute. On the other side of the river, there’s Clapham, for more bars and restaurants. Head east for Chelsesa and the King’s Road.

What can you rent? You don’t see many tower blocks in Fulham. The buildings up for rent are mostly wellkept period houses – many converted into flats – plus a few modern apartment blocks. Parsons Green is the most desired part of Fulham, so it’s pretty pricey. But for

affordable places, try Sands End, east of Wandsworth Bridge Road. It’s a little further away from the Tube but the houses are still cosy period conversions and the area is served by Imperial Wharf Overground station. The top end of Munster Road is also a good place to look for more affordable places to live – it’s still got a NEXT WEEK village feel to it, but it’s also just a Buying your first home in London little further from the Tube.

“I like the North End Road market. It’s the cheapest place to buy the freshest fruit and vegetables. I love the atmosphere – people are so friendly here.”

JASON

KENNY Painter, 28

“I’ve lived here all my life and I love it. There are some good pubs, like the British Legion on Parsons Green. It’s very cheap and very cosy – a proper pub.”

SW6 INFO BOROUGH

Hammersmith & Fulham AVERAGE COUNCIL TAX

£1,127 per year TRAVEL TIME TO LONDON

30 mins HOUSESHARE £866pcm

ONE-BEDROOM FLAT £1,300pcm

TWO-BEDROOM FLAT £1,450pcm

A room in a recently refurbished four-bedroom house with a large living room. It’s furnished and right in the thick of it, round the corner from Fulham Broadway Tube.

A bright and airy furnished one-bedroom garden flat on Haldane Road, close to Fulham Broadway station, so it’s in handy commuting distance.

A top-floor flat in a Victorian period conversion in the north of Fulham. Furnished, with wooden floors, an open plan kitchen and a modern bathroom.

kfh.co.uk

chard.co.uk

TUBE

Zone 2; District; Fulham Broadway, Parsons Green AVERAGE ROOM SHARE 1 BED

£600pcm AVERAGE RENTAL 1 BED

£1,400pcm AVERAGE FLAT 1 BED

£300,000

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Stay classy: Ron Burgundy

ANCHOR TRICKED INTO ‘I LOVE LAMP’ UNITED STATES A newsreader on NBC got suckered into an unknowing tribute to classic comedy Anchorman: The Legend Of Ron Burgundy after his colleagues inserted the phrase “I love lamp” on his teleprompter – and he read it on air. In the movie, Will Ferrell’s playboy newsreader gets caught out the same way and Brian Niznansky was none the wiser when he tried to introduce a story, saying, “In other news, I love lamp ... ”. His female co-anchor didn’t help him out, bursting into laughter. “Oh my God, he totally fell for it,” she said. “Brian will read anything put on the teleprompter and that is just proof right there.” TWEETS OF THE WEEK @Lord_Voldemort7 They are making a Twilight MUSICAL. If the world doesn’t end in 2012 on its own I am going to have to do it myself. @mollymcnearney My brother is a doctor & delivered a baby named Y’all-Jealous Jones today. This is not a joke. Y’ALL JEALOUS JONES. My brother wins 2012. @HomerJSimpson The secrets to staying young: exercise, openness to new experience, and a wizard with a spell that keeps you young chained in your basement.

STRANGE MALADIES REVEALED IN CENSUS UNITED KINGDOM A 100-year-old medical census, made public last week, reveals a peculiar list of ailments afflicting Brits in 1911. Among the unorthodox conditions, one man listed his wife’s “long tongue” 42

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That’s going straight on the fridge: A sea lion called Jay, who lives at a Tokyo marine park, shows off his party trick, somehow managing to hold on to a paint brush and draw the symbol for ‘dragon’, in front of an impressed audience. It is, you see, the year of the dragon. But seriously, how the hell does Jay know how to draw?

and his kids’ “quarrelsome stubbornness” as medical complaints. Other supposed health concerns included “voteless”, “bald” and “short of cash”. “In the more unusual entries we also get a wonderful sense of post-Edwardian humour, society and family dynamics at this time,” social historian Debra Chatfield said.

BOB HAWKE STILL THIRSTY AUSTRALIA Former Australian PM Bob Hawke, now 82, showed he can still down a beer when he was filmed sculling a pint at the SCG. In a mobile phone video,

which has since gone viral, Hawke is seen making his way through the crowd of cricket fans, when one offers him a beer in a plastic cup. “One for the country, Robert,” the unseen man insists. Hawke, without batting an eyelid, is shown accepting the beer and downing it in one go, to the delight of onlookers. Hawke was famed for his love of beer, setting the speed record for drinking a yard of the frothy stuff while studying at Oxford.

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THIS WEEK

IN NUMBERS 25M

Lambs fathered by a Northamptonhire ram called Randy after escaping from his pen for just 24 hours

That’s embarrassing

KIDDIE PIC INTRUDES ON SKINNY-DIPPER FRANCE Fashion label La Redoute was left embarrassed after its website carried an ad for children’s clothes featuring a naked man in the background. The unknown nudist can be seen wading into the sea and, although the French company apologised and removed the image, internet users had enough time to take screenshots. The picture has become a viral hit, with thousands on Twitter expressing their view, including London retailer Isabel Cavill: “Not surprised French shoppers are up in arms about this picture from La Redoute. Amazing!!” Another tweeted: “The most shocking thing in this photo is the clothes.”

ESKY SAVES CREW FROM DROWNING

Photos: Getty

AUSTRALIA The Esky has long been regarded as one of the greatest inventions of all time but it appears it does more than keep beer cold, doubling as a lifepreserver for those lost at sea. Two men and their young sons were found by rescuers, clinging to a floating Esky after their boat sunk off the coast northern coast of Sydney. Ryan Smiles, the boat’s owner, said it took only a minute for it to drop “like a stone” in about 65m of water. He said one of the last things he did was throw the Esky into the water. “I grabbed the Esky and jumped off the back deck, which was down to the water level at that stage, and the boat sunk straight away.”

Value, in pounds, of a painting at a Cleveland museum which a drunken patron rubbed with her bare arse

3.5

Weight, in tons, of a seabed statue of St Francis, which has inexplicably gone missing from the Italian coast

Size, in inches, of the hole British sword-swallower Hannibal Hellmurto tore in his oesaphagus during a live performance

Private Wojtek was enlisted in the army

EVERYBODY LOVES WOJTEK THE BEAR POLAND A legendary ‘bear-soldier’ who became a hero fighting against Nazis in the Second World War is to be commemorated. The bear was adopted by Polish soldiers stationed in the Middle East, who named him Wojtek, meaning ‘happy warrior’. Wojtek quickly became a mascot and gained fame for using his strength to carry munitions to troops while under heavy fire during the Battle of Monte Cassino. “He just did what the men did and when they had a bottle of beer at night and some cigarettes, so did he, although he ate the cigarettes rather than smoked them,” Alison Orr, author of Wojtek The Bear: Polish War Hero, said. Wojtek died, aged 22, in 1969 at Edinburgh Zoo, where he will be immortalised in a bronze statue.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK I mean, all over the world, who knows how God is bringing them in? The most important thing is you are here and God wants to put the fire in you in 2012 Katy Perry’s split from Russell Brand was, according to her mum, who’s a pastor, God’s way of bringing people back to church

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STYLE INCORPORATED merlinda@styleincorporated.com www.styleincorporated.com Style Incorporated is firmly positioned as a leading niche player in recruitment and headhunting for the Luxury Goods & Fashion Industry.

JOB OF THE WEEK: Temporary and Permanent Sales Assistants Location: Central London Salary: Competitive Rates of Pay We are looking for flexible, outgoing, confident and approachable Sales Consultants for our various temporary and permanent roles for Luxury Fashion brands in Central London. At least a year’s experience in a similar role is advantageous.. Merlinda Blundell | merlinda@styleincorporated.com

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GALLOWGLASS T: 0845 300 2468 www.gallowglass.co.uk Gallowglass is UKs leading crewing company to the sporting and events industry, working for TV, theatre, film and outdoor production companies.

JOB OF THE WEEK: Location: London Salary: £8 - £11 per hour + skills payments Gallowglass is involved in many aspects of the 2012 Games as well as our on-going work, and has vacancies for friendly, enthusiastic and outgoing people to join our crew. You will need to be physically fit, have excellent spoken English, be adaptable, happy to work antisocial hours and have a can-do attitude. CV to hr@gallowglass.co.uk or fill in our on line form at www.gallowglass.co.uk

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Looking for your next job? NEW JOBS ONLINE EVERY DAY To advertise your job of the week contact Matt Syder | 020 7989 0491 | matt.syder@tntmagazine.com

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TNT puts the world to rights

OURVIEW

COMMENT: JAHN VANNISSELROY jahn.vannisselroy@tntmagazine.com

Possibly more interesting in her sex tape: former Playmate Kristina Shannon

Nothing to celebrate as the nation’s IQs shrink further

Photos: Getty

Another series of desperate houselives is a waste of a TV timeslot Ah, Celebrity Big Brother. The last port of call for the has-beens, the wannabes, the never-weres. That sad altar of delusion upon which the fame-addicted place the carcasses of their ‘careers’ for an audience of non-thinking retards to judge. This vapid crap returned to pollute TV sets nationwide last week, parading its latest find of fame-whores before a frothing audience, members of which would have said anything/ fucked anyone/ mutilated themselves at even the thought of entering the asylum. One pillock in the studio was so enamoured with the idea of ‘being seen’ that she donned a pair of bright-pink, flashing bunny ears, which lent her the unfortunate look of Hoppopotamous, from the children’s TV series The Wuzzles. No doubt she’ll be excited at such a comparison, delusionally thinking it may bring her closer to the ‘celeb’ shower of 2012, a dirty deluge which included X Factor waster Frankie Cocozza, the extent of whose talent is being ‘naughty’; a couple of Playboy models, who according to the show had generated “85 million wanks”; and the bint Natasha Giggs, wife of footballer Ryan Gigg’s cuckolded brother, Rhodri. The word ‘celebrity’ came from the term ‘to celebrate’. The problem for all involved in this pathetic pile of shit (with the exception of actor and poet Michael Madsen – massive tax bill, Mike?), is that they’ve done nothing to justify any form of celebration from anyone. Sure, some of them may be good-looking, but that’s not enough. If anything, it’s their parents who should be congratulated – for breeding well. But those parents should have that compliment quickly rescinded – for raising someone who thinks because they themselves have found a use for their genitals, that somehow makes them special. The longer we shine the spotlight on these fraudsters, the more stupid we become. After nine years of this pap, arguments of the sociological importance of studying CBB’s human interplay are surely redundant. What more can we learn? Do yourself a favour and switch over if you ever see it on. Your brain (and your future children) will thank you for it. » What do you hate most about Celebrity Big Brother? letters@tntmagazine.com

WARDEN’S FINE CITIZEN APPEAL From the swamp of grasping, aspirational, money-obsessed London emerges a potential hero of the common man, a street soldier who says he’s not prepared to sell his principles and inflict unnecessary misery on his fellow citizens. Parking warden Hakim Berkani is taking on Kensington and Chelsea Council’s parking firm NS, who he says fired him for refusing to issue large numbers of tickets to ‘extract as much cash as possible from motorists’, and even warning drivers that a fellow warden was patrolling the vicinity. While NS is denying the claims, the Fulham community has rallied in support of

“

A hero of the common man may have emerged

”

Berkani, saying he’s telling the truth. True or not, let’s hope more people in positions like Berkani realise that after copping it from everyone, from the financial sector to the goverment, the average man and woman could do with a break. Not sullying their day unnecessarily, could, in fact, be just the ticket (or lack thereof). TNTMAGAZINE.COM

Justice overdue Last week’s convictions reopened the long-running race debate WORDS TOM STURROCK

Almost 19 years after black teenager Stephen Lawrence was stabbed to death by a white gang on the streets of southeast London, two of his killers, Gary Dobson and David Norris, were last week jailed for their part in his murder. It brought partial closure to one of the most high-profile racially motivated killings in the UK, which became a case study in senseless violence and the system’s inability to deliver justice. Its implications are manifold but among the most serious was the claim the Metropolitan Police was, at the time of the murder investigation, “institutionally racist”. This was the conclusion of the scathing Macpherson report after a public inquiry in 1998. Officers were described as incompetent and having committed basic errors – they had failed to administer first-aid at the crime scene and didn’t follow obvious leads. Crucially, the prime suspects, who were identified three days after the killing, weren’t arrested until two weeks later. At the public inquiry, the head of the murder squad leading the investigation revealed he wasn’t aware arrests could be made upon “reasonable suspicion” – a basic point of law. The Met was charged to have suffered a failure of leadership, and the inquiry found the police and the Crown Prosecution Service were affected by issues of race – which had a lasting impact on the Met’s relationships with the black community. Some 70 reforms were recommended but, now, 19 years on, the Met insists it has learned the lessons of Lawrence’s murder and its mishandled investigation. Officers from minority backgrounds now make up nearly 10 per cent of the force, up from 3.4 per cent at the time of the inquiry. “Race and diversity are vital to the successful delivery of policing services to London. The Met has made huge progress in recent years in providing an improved service to minority communities and continues to work hard to gain their confidence,” a spokesman said. “We are committed to ensuring the service continues with 46

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its recent success in becoming more diverse in its recruitment and having a police service that better represents the society it serves.” It is not, though, a consensus widely shared. Patrick Jacobs, chairman of Not Another Drop, an organisation that dissuades youth from violent crime, vividly recalls Stephen Lawrence’s murder and the investigation. “It was life-changing, ground-breaking stuff. It was an open wound that had been left to fester for too long,” Jacobs says. “The murder itself was horrific but the lack of investigation, with everybody knowing who did it – it wasn’t

“

Some police officers are not nice people

”

like it was a little secret – we were left thinking, ‘they did it and they’re getting away with it; oh, my God, the police are racist and are covering it up’. It really caused the relationship between police and young black people to deteriorate, which has continued pretty much ever since.” Jacobs vigorously endorses the Macpherson report, particularly the charge of institutional racism. “I couldn’t think of a better phrase,” he says. “It came from an old, white judge, not some radical black guy. It was an official, academic look at the way police react to and investigate crimes against black youths.” Jacobs emphasises the disproportionately high number of stops and searches carried out on black youths – a report in 2010 found that a black person was at least six times as likely as a white person to be stopped and searched by police in England and Wales – insisting he has been a searched

Photos: Getty

Clockwise: Lawrence’s death was an open wound for 18 years; his mother Doreen last week; Gary Dobson (left) and David Norris

himself at least 150 times. Although he doesn’t object to police performing their duties, he argues officers don’t take enough care to mitigate the damage they do to their relationships with the young men they search. “Black kids started to feel, ‘well, there’s no point going to the police’. Imagine the effect of that over years and years,” Jacobs says. “I don’t defend anyone who wants to stab someone. But these kids are getting stopped and searched all the time – they’re completely normalised to it. It’s no longer a big deal at all. If you see a police car go past, you’ll get stopped and searched. “The police have the right to search people, the problem is how they do it and the damage they do – and then they wonder why these kids don’t want to talk to them when something happens.” In the week since Dobson and Norris were convicted, there has been a rush, in some quarters, to claim the verdict as proof of the Met’s rehabilitation; a sign it has learned its lessons – indeed, embraced them – and fundamentally altered the conditions that incubated such dysfunction and discrimination. Not even the most ardent protests convince Jacobs. He believes there are well-meaning officers, but that they are powerless to reverse ingrained tendencies. “I’m not saying they all do a bad job all the time. The specialists who work on things like Operation Trident are specialists who really do their job – it’s the beat cops who cause a lot of the problems,” Jacobs insists. “They say they’re trying to change but the problem is that some police officers are not nice people. Some people who are in the force shouldn’t be there. “This can only be the beginning of the beginning. Just because these two guys have been locked up, that doesn’t mean everything is now OK. There are three other guys out there – if the police had done their jobs properly, they wouldn’t be on the streets.”

Surveillance footage of Norris in 1993

DOUBLE JEOPARDY THE MISTAKES MADE The police investigating Stephen Lawrence murder identified five prime suspects within a few days of the killing but, despite surveilling them in the process of destroying evidence, failed to act. The officer leading the investigation, who was in charge of the murder squad for 14 months, had to explain to the public inquiry why the suspects had not been arrested. Remarkably, he claimed to have been unaware he was legally able to do so. Charges against the men were dropped in July 1993 but misgivings about the case never subsided. In 1997, the Daily Mail published a front page accusing five men of murdering Lawrence, daring them to sue if the paper was wrong. Crucially, in 2005, the ancient ‘double jeopardy’ law, preventing someone being tried twice for the same crime, was scrapped, allowing the case to be reopened and for Dobson and Norris to be charged.

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Injured: James Pattinson

PATTINSON FORCED OUT THROUGH INJURY CRICKET Australian quick James Pattinson has been ruled out for the remainder of the Test series against India due to a left foot injury. Pattinson, who has claimed 25 wickets in four matches since making his Test debut last month, reported pain in his foot during India’s second innings of Australia’s innings and 86-run win at the SCG. It means Australia will select either Ryan Harris or Mitchell Starc as a replacement for the third Test, which begins in Perth this week. “Our bowlers are having success in completely different conditions,” Australian captain Michael Clarke said. “We have wicket-taking bowlers ... and we’re able to build up pressure.”

HEWITT CHARTS COURSE FOR LONDON

That’s a good look: No, it’s not a Rio favella during Mardi Gras – rather, it’s an international water polo match between Australia and the United States, being played at the sea baths next to Sydney’s Bondi beach. Isn’t it meant to be the height of summer Down Under? Maybe it’s time to stop bashing Poms about their shit weather…

TENNIS Former world No 1 Lleyton Hewitt mightn’t have much gas left in the tank but he’s still keen to represent Australia at this year’s Games. “I’d like to play the Olympics,” Hewitt said. “I enjoy playing on grass so if the opportunity comes up, then I would love to. “My fitness has been good, which is a positive. But I’m just focusing on the Aussie (Open) at the moment. That’s the priority and we’ll worry about the others later on.” Hewitt’s biggest injury worry at the moment is a troublesome big toe, which seems to flare up unpredictably. Even so, Hewitt insisted his desire remains. “I still play the game for the big tournaments,” Hewitt said. “You get an adrenaline buzz every time you step out there in a Grand Slam.” 48

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ACTiON Netball MIXED and LADIES THURSDAY NIGHTS IN ACTON 2nd Feb – 29th March (9 weeks - Beginners Welcome!) REGISTRATIONS CLOSE 23rd Jan 2012 £315 per team £45 per individual (£5 per game) Females playing MIXED and LADIES = £67.50 (for both) Different payment options available 0787 2606 763 www.action-netball.co.uk action.netball@gmail.com

LOCKYER EARMARKED FOR MAROONS JOB RUGBY LEAGUE Former Brisbane, Queensland and Kangaroos skipper Darren Lockyer has only been retired a month or two, but he’s already being talked about as the man to replace Mal Meninga to coach the Queensland State of Origin side. “I haven’t discussed things with Darren yet, and I understand he is keen to have a year or two out of footy. But he could easily be my successor,” Meninga said. Johnathan Thurston, the man tipped to replace Lockyer at five-eighth for Queensland, agreed: “There’s no doubt Locky has a great football brain and he would be ideal to take over. His knowledge of the game is awesome.”

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QUOTES OF THE WEEK Yes, I’d agree this series is tougher than the Ashes. To me, winning away to Asian teams is so hard English batsman Ian Bell reckons facing Pakistan on the subcontinent is harder than facing Australia. Cheeky little prick

Good times are here again for Australia

PREVIEW Aussies set sights on whitewash AUSTRALIA V INDIA, THIRD TEST FRIDAY 2.30AM, SKY SPORTS 1 What a difference 12 months can make. Last January, Australia had just received a hiding in the Ashes and the team was 10 kinds of sick and sorry. Now, a year later, if the national side is not yet restored to full health, there are certainly signs of recovery. Australia lead India 2-0 and, given their momentum and India’s anaemic performance so far, are every chance of recording a whitewash in the four-match

series, which continues this week in Perth. The biggest difference has been in the bowling, where Mitchell Johnson’s absence through injury appears to have been a blessing in disguise. Supposedly the leader of the attack, Johnson’s erratic bowling released pressure on opposition batsmen and transferred it to his bowling partners. Replacing Johnson, young James Pattinson has come on in leaps and bounds, while Peter Siddle and Ben Hilfenhaus have bowled with control and penetration. Australia, by no means out of the woods, appear on the right track. Now they just need some runs from the top order.

THE CHAT | Thierry Henry back at Arsenal

Watch the fight video and you will see there is a guy wearing a grey suit with a blue shirt wearing a hat … sitting in the fight supervisor Michael Walsh’s chair British boxer Amir Khan reckons his last fight was fixed. The man in the grey suit. The man on the grassy knoll. Good luck

I don’t love tennis today but I am here – I can’t live without it so I am still here Serena Williams keeps flogging herself around the world to earn millions playing tennis. Nice of her to show up

TV HIGHLIGHTS

Photos: Getty

BASKETBALL all-time leading scorer has returned Q Arsenal’s to the club on a two-month loan. He’s 34 – is there a risk he will take the shine off his legacy? a horribly glass-half-full way to look at it. In reality, A That’s Henry was so awesome during his prime, between 200106, that it’s unlikely anything could diminish his standing in the hearts and minds of Arsenal fans. Watch his top 25 goals on YouTube and marvel at the Frenchman’s pace, touch and mercurial finishing. No one expects Henry to reproduce anything like that kind of dominance but he will provide valuable cover for players off playing in the African Cup of Nations and, with defenders more worried about Robin van Persie, might just manage to poach a few goals himself.

Boston v Dallas A bumper early-season NBA match-up Thursday 1am, ESPN

RUGBY UNION Harlequins v Gloucester Heineken Cup action continues Saturday 5.45pm, Sky Sports 1

TENNIS Australian Open Mercurial: Thierry Henry

Great for unemployed tennis fans Sunday midnight, British Eurosport TNTMAGAZINE.COM

SPORTVIEW

TNT puts the world to rights

COMMENT: TOM STURROCK tom.sturrock@tntmagazine.com

Michael Clarke smashed 329 against India

Even after his triple-century Clarke’s sceptics will remain Runs alone unlikely to persuade those who feel he lacks gravitas

» Is Michael Clarke the right man to captain Australia? letters@tntmagazine.com 50

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If the Qatari money men have their way, French club Paris Saint-Germain is to be the latest arriviste in football’s ever-expanding boom times. To be fair, PSG are not as pathetic as Manchester City were – they already boast a vast following in France and have enjoyed some success domestically. But that is small-fry, as far as the club’s new owners are concerned. They have brought their millions to the party because they want to catapult PSG, now one of the world’s richest clubs, to greater heights – and that means spending big.

“

How extravagantly will they overpay?

”

They have already hired former Chelsea manager Carlo Ancelotti and this month’s transfer period will reveal the club’s immediate intentions. They are certain to chase players – the only question surrounds how extravagantly they will overpay. And, naturally, anyone who abhors the tyranny of private wealth in football is obliged to hope they fail disastrously.

Photos: Getty

Australian captain Michael Clarke last week scored a magnificent triple-century against India, prompting his supporters within the establishment – former skippers, respected pundits – to insist the tide of public sentiment would turn as a result. The truth is, though, that if Clarke is unloved, it has more to do with the nation’s expectations of its cricket captains than anything that is Clarke’s fault. The issue is that, in the minds of many, Clarke lacks the gravitas of his predecessors: Mark Taylor, Steve Waugh and Ricky Ponting. Taylor was likeable and tactically astute, while Waugh, cussed and taciturn, insisted on the mental disintegration of opponents – he went out on one leg against England, even though it was a dead rubber, and scored a century, just to make a statement, just to demonstrate the gulf in toughness. That’s what Australians love. Even Ponting, often criticised as a captain, was the best batsman in the world when he took the reins. He was better placed than any to lead from the front. By comparison, Clarke has been pigeonholed as being a little too keen on fast cars and expensive hair product. In short, the stigma of trendy, Gen Y metrosexuality has attached itself. And not only are Australians hostile to those traits in their cricket captains, there’s an unabiding sense that, by producing this kind of cricketer, Australia has forsaken the unflashy resolve and grim stoicism that made it great. Some will remember, for example, Mitchell Johnson on the eve of the last Ashes, talking at length about the new cherry blossoms tattooed on his forearm. This was, to many Australian cricket fans, a thumbnail sketch of everything that had gone wrong. An Australian paceman talking about his new floral tattoo. What the fuck? Did Glenn McGrath ever pull that shit? It is, of course, unfair to Clarke. He may not be Taylor or Waugh or Ponting but he deserves the opportunity to forge his own style of captaincy. That will take time, though, so it’s crazy to pretend that one great innings will persuade the detractors.

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Hunter becomes hunted This year’s Australian Open is one of the most anticipated in ages WORDS TOM STURROCK

As the first Grand Slam of the year, the Australian Open is always ripe with possibility. Players who had indifferent or injury-spoiled seasons the year before have had time to recuperate, wipe the slate clean and arrive in Melbourne buoyed by renewed confidence. This tournament, though, shapes as one of the most intriguing for many years, such was the dramatic shift on the men’s side of the sport that occurred in 2011. When Rafael Nadal and Roger Federer arrived, they were still the top dogs, the men most likely. It was in Melbourne, however, that Novak Djokovic collected his first of three majors last year en route to displacing Nadal as world No 1. According to British Eurosport pundit Greg Rusedski, the 2012 Australian Open will make for fascinating viewing as the three heavyweights – four if you include Andy Murray, whose pursuit of a first Grand Slam title continues – compete to make the early running. “It’s intriguing because you’ve got so many storylines. It makes for a fascinating start to the season and could really set the tone for the rest of the year,” Rusedski says. “Djokovic is the new force who emerged in 2011; Federer is 30, but finished last season well; Nadal will be desperate to rebound after losing the No 1 ranking; and Andy Murray is still looking to break through for his first major.” For Rusedski, the Canadian-born Brit who reached a career-high world ranking of No 4 back in 1997, Djokovic deserves to start favourite after his dominant year but will encounter a new kind of pressure that accompanies being the front-runner. “I think, on paper, it’s Djokovic, Murray and Federer in that top group, with Nadal just a little bit out of it because he’s carrying some injuries,” Rusedski says. “It’ll be very interesting. With Djokovic, everyone wants to know if he can repeat that remarkable year. He’s the favourite and the man to beat, but the big challenge will 52

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come in the latter stages of the tournament when he’s now expected to win. He’s dealt with the pressure at big tournaments before, but he’s never successfully defended a Grand Slam title.” Of the other two men in Rusedski’s “top group”, Federer, at 30, is the oldest, but his 16 career majors and, perhaps more importantly, his impressive finish to an otherwise difficult 2011, convince Rusedski that the Swiss is well and truly in the hunt at a tournament he has won four times before. “I wouldn’t write Federer off in a million years but I think the challenge for him is psychological and a little bit physical,” Rusedski says. ”He really struggles against Nadal but he’s fit and feeling healthy and Rafa’s not totally fit, then I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s there at the end. “I think there’s still at least one major in Federer but if it’s not this year then it’s only going to get harder. But don’t write him off. He’s motivated by the Olympics and also to get back to No 1, because he’s one week short of Pete Sampras’s all-time record for most weeks spent in the top spot.” And then there’s the great British hope, Andy Murray, poor old Andy Murray, who, in the hope of breaking his drought, has appointed former world No 1 Ivan Lendl as his new coach. Had he been born in a different age, Murray could plausibly have a swag of majors under his belt by the age of 24. Instead, he remains one of the best players not to have won a Grand Slam. “Murray doesn’t want to keep that tag but it’s tough against those top three guys,” Rusedski says. “If you’re going to win a major, you’re probably going to have to beat two of them back-to-back. “Lendl lost four Grand Slam finals before he finally won the French Open in 1984, so he knows what Murray’s going through and, psychologically, he should be able to get through to Murray and help him win. That’s why he’s been hired.”

Photos:: Getty

Clockwise: Roger Federer; Rafael Nadal; Andy Murray

Of course, Grand Slams produce upsets and Rusedski concedes there are players outside the top four capable of surprising. In particular, he nominates Frenchman Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, a finalist in Melbourne four years ago, and bigserving Argentine Juan Martin del Potro, who won the US Open in 2009 and has now recovered from a wrist injury that kept him out of the sport for almost a year. “Tsonga is an exciting guy who always plays well Down Under,“ Rusedski says. “And Del Potro, if he can stay healthy, I think can really challenge those top players. He really has that firepower to be able to hit through guys.” For the locals, 19-year-old Bernard Tomic appears poised to usurp Lleyton Hewitt as Australia’s lone hope in the men’s draw. Hewitt, who turns 31 next month, has watched his ranking slump to 186, and must surely be reaching the end of a career in which he wrung the absolute maximum from himself, often besting more talented, more athletic opponents through sheer force of will. Tomic, meanwhile, is the world’s highest-ranked teenager and impressed en route to the quarter-finals at Wimbledon in 2011. At 193cm, Tomic has the frame to monster most opponents but his game relies more on finesse than one might expect. It is a combination, Rusedski says, that may take a little time to bear fruit. “He puts the ball in awkward positions and he’s got a very unusual game. He reminds me a little bit of Miroslav Mecir, with his change of pace and that variety from the back of the court,” Rusedski says. “He’s different to Hewitt, who was as tough as nails and was mentally ready from about the age of 16. Tomic, I don’t think is ready yet. I think he’s another two years away from really being able to push against the top guys, but maybe if he plays well in Melbourne he can make it through to the fourth round.” British Eurosport will broadcast comprehensive LIVE coverage of the 2012 Australian Open and in high definition on Eurosport HD

THE HOMETOWN HOPE PRESSURE ON STOSUR Sam Stosur, the reigning US Open champion, is ranked sixth in the world. Her all-court game, booming serve and ballistic goundstrokes ensure she arrives in Melbourne as one the favourites in the women’s draw. “Serena Williams is probably the bookies favourite, although she might be carrying injury,” Rusedski says. “Stosur beat her at the US Open, so will, of course, be burdened by some massive expectation in Australia.” In recent years, women’s tennis has been a two-speed sport – the players at the very top of the rankings not neccesarily the ones most likely to win the Grand Slams. But, according to Rusedski, Wimbledon champion and current No 2 Petra Kvitova could change all that. “We’ve had the likes of Wozniacki, Jankovic, Safina – players who were No 1 without winning majors,” Rusedski says. “I think, in Kvitova, we could have someone who does that while being No 1.”

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IMAGE OF THE WEEK

Men in loincloths vie for a wooden ball to bring good fortune during the Tamaseseri festival at Hakozaki shrine in Fukuoka, on Japan’s southern island of Kyushu

Photos: South Australian Tourism, Getty

INSIDE

ROOM THAT’S A VIEW /58

COOLEST PARTIES /68

CHASING JAWS /74

There’s more to the UK’s hotels and hostels than greasy fry-ups and paper-thin walls. Check out our favourite quirky spots.

Just because it’s cold, doesn’t mean the fun’s over. Here’s your essential guide to hotting up 2012 with Europe’s best winter festivals.

We head to South Australia’s underexplored Eyre Peninsula and get face-to-face with great whites, sea lions, and shagging koalas. TNTMAGAZINE.COM

TRAVELDIARY Laura Chubb

@tntmagazine

Scary sights at the Voodoo Festival

ACTING TRAVEL EDITOR

TOURISM SUICIDE With all the new year optimism of a lemming refusing to reconsider his cliff-side compulsions, 2012 appears to be ushering in an alarming new travel trend – tourism suicide.

VOODOO FESTIVAL Ouidah, Benin Voodoo is an official religion in the west African country of Benin, practised by about 60 per cent of the nation’s 7.4 million people. 10 Ouidah is the historic centre of voodoo worship; on this day, believers flock to receive blessings from the city’s voodoo chief and celebrate with goat slaughters, chanting, singing, dancing, thumping on drums and drinking gin. JAN

WHY: Meeting with the supreme voodoo priest is a great privilege for voodoo worshippers – kinda like meeting the Pope, if you will. As the country’s most sacred event, it is also the most vibrant. Goat slaughters are intended to honour the spirits. DO IT BECAUSE: This is an unbeatable

opportunity to see real voodoo at work, and you’ll see its stereotypical hallmarks (voodoo dolls spiked with nails, piles of skulls), as well as the less sinister rituals of the religion. Check out the city’s Musee d’histoire d’Ouidah to get a handle on the history.

BLACK NAZARENE PROCESSION

BIKANER CAMEL FESTIVAL

The largest annual procession in Asia’s only 9 majority Catholic country centres around a life-size statue of Christ carved from ebony. Thousands of worshippers trail the Black Nazarene through the streets to try to brush past it, as a single touch is said to produce miracles. As a result, people are often injured or even killed in the crush, so be careful.

Camel races, camel rides, camel pageants, dancing 8-9 camels, a best camel haircut competition and a camel tug-of-war – the people of the Rajasthani city of Bikaner really like their camels, and make it known with this annual extravaganza of the humped beauties.

Manila, Philippines JAN

tourism.gov.ph

FESTIVAL AU DESERT Essakane, Mali JAN

12-14

Perhaps the world’s most remote music festival in a patch of Saharan sand.

festival-au-desert.org

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benintourisme.com

Bikaner, India JAN

rajasthantourism.gov.in

ATI-ATIHAN

Kalibo, Philippines The Philippines’ Mardi Gras, this is a week-long street 12 party for which participants paint their faces with black soot and dance in costume. Apparently, this is in honour of an image of the infant Jesus. JAN

kalibo.gov.ph

Photos: Thinkstock

Take the bizarre decision by the president of the Maldives to ban luxury spas on the Indian Ocean resort island (see P57), a move that will surely blow a near-irreparable hole in the country’s economy. Towards the end of last week, President Mohammed Nasheed had backtracked a few steps on the imperative that all spas close following accusations that they are anti-Islamic, allowing upscale resorts to reopen spas for the time being, pending a Supreme Court decision. It seems nothing short of incomprehensible that the Maldives, which makes most of its money from grossly overcharging honeymooners and celebs for massages, would veer so erratically towards self-sabotage. But then this is the year in which Amsterdam is expected to ban selling weed to tourists. In a jarringly rare gesture for this day and age, both countries look to be valuing reputation over profit. The Maldives is risking its very livelihood to bat away the stigma of claims that the Islamic country’s spas are mere fronts for prostitution. Meanwhile, the Dutch health and justice ministries have rather sniffily claimed that the country “attracts other types of tourists apart from drugs tourists” and insisted the law would put an end to the nuisances associated with coffee shops. It’s as if Imogen Thomas has announced she is turning down a multi-million-pound contract to pose spread-eagled in Nuts on grounds of taste. I’m frankly stumped as to whether I should admire this determined commitment to values, or dismiss it as wrongheadedness bordering on balls-out buffoonery.

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MALDIVES SPA BAN The president of the Maldives has ordered all spas and massage parlours on the luxury archipelago to close after Islamist opposition parties insisted they are a front for prostitution. The move is a massive blow for the Maldives’ tourism industry, which rakes in the cash as a luxury escape for honeymooners who go for pampering spa holidays. The Maldives Association for Tourism Industry is now frantically trying to revoke the ban, and has launched two civil court cases accusing the government of violating lease agreements signed with resort owners.

Photos: Thinkstock

BURNT SUGAR The literary exertions of Lord Alan Sugar are underappreciated by most travellers, apparently, as his autobiography The Way I See It has topped the charts of tomes left behind in aeroplane seat pockets. A survey of Virgin Atlantic’s cabin crew revealed that other great works discarded during the festive period include Katie Price’s Santa Baby, Paul Gascoigne’s Glorious: My World, Football And Me, and Virgin boss Sir Richard Branson’s Screw Business As Usual. Honestly, there’s no appreciation for the arts these days.

HEATHROW CHAOS Long delays and huge queues at Heathrow Airport will be par for the course during the Olympics, leaked policy documents for the UK Border Agency have revealed. According to the Daily Mail, the influx of visitors to the UK ahead of and during the 2012 Games this summer will cause long queues and may cause hold-ups for non-Olympic passengers as arrivals connected to the Games are given priority. A fast-track scheme for 25,000 athletes, officials and coaches will be at the expense of other travellers, according to the tabloid.

YOU’RE SO VAIN The average holidaymaker uploads their travel photos to Facebook within four hours of returning to the UK, according to a poll by travel agency sunshine.co.uk. And a traveller’s belief that other people are overwhelmingly fascinated by their escapades knows no bounds, it would seem, as the average number of photos uploaded stands at 150. The boasting is not only limited to post-getaway, either, with 54 per cent of those surveyed admitting that they mentioned an upcoming holiday “two to three times a week” on Facebook during the lead-up to going away.

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This Norman-era castle makes a great hostel

Quirky hotels ENGLAND AND SCOTLAND

The Do Knit Disturb room, Brighton

Sleep in an old train carriage

The Pigsty. Really!

The Pineapple 58

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Beverley Friary

Journeys, Dover

Egyptian House

UKTRIP

Room that’s a view There’s more to the UK’s hotels and hostels than greasy brekkies and paper-thin walls ... WORDS LAURA CHUBB

Fancy shacking up somewhere with a bit more character than your average ten-to-a-dorm cheapie or sterile B&B? Here are our favourite quirky spots, taking in everything from a pigsty to knitted toothpaste. St Briavel’s Castle, Gloucestershire WHAT Stay in a Norman-era castle – built as a hunting lodge for King John in 1205 – where you can get stuck into regular medieval banquets and take advantage of hostel staples such as cheap dorm beds and self-catering kitchen. Also a great base for exploring the nearby Forest of Dean. SEE yha.org.uk; dorm beds from around £20pn Beverley Friary, East Yorkshire WHAT Step back in time and find this old friary around the cobbled lanes and Victorian terraces of Beverley, a quintessentially English market town near Hull. Find oldworld local charm at ancient pubs including The White Horse, sporting Victorian-era gas lighting. If you’re up for a late one, check out student standbys Piper and Spiders in Hull. SEE yha.org.uk; dorm beds from around £16.40pn

Photos: Derek Pearce, Landmark Trust Images, Nigel Shuttleworth

Journeys Dover Hostel, Kent WHAT Once both the first and last pub to be encountered in England – thanks to its location at the foot of the white cliffs of Dover – this 550-year-old building is now a conveniently located hostel complete with the ghost of a former landlord and ancient memorabilia adorning the walls. SEE visitjourneys.com; dorm beds from around £11.99pn

sickness. In a disused local station yard, four restored carriages contain eight suites sporting the original colonialera decor. The neighbouring South Downs keep with the refined theme and make a lovely spot for quiet country walks among photogenic chalk hills. SEE old-station.co.uk; from £114pn The Egyptian House, Cornwall WHAT The somewhat incongruous Egyptian House stands in a row of typical 18th-century townhouses on Chapel Street in Penzance. The garish façade – as bright as it is bizarre – was a style in vogue after Napoleon’s campaign in Egypt around 1798. It has now been separated into three flats sleeping up to four people in each. SEE landmarktrust.org.uk; from £177pn The Pineapple, Dunmore, Scotland WHAT Oddly enough, this two-storey summerhouse built for the fourth Earl of Dunmore in 1777 is of a perfectly orthodox style at the ground, only to segue into a pineapple-shaped dome at the top. This fruity quirk is apparently the result of the Earl’s time as Governor of Virginia, where sailors traditionally put a pineapple on the gatepost to announce their return home. Thus, the Earl announced his return in a similar, though slightly more eccentric, manner. You can now stay within The Pineapple and enjoy access to a private, walled garden. SEE landmarktrust.org.uk; rooms from £208pn The Pigsty, North Yorkshire

Hotel Pelirocco, Brighton WHAT Themed rooms at this cute indie hotel include the ‘Playroom’, complete with pole dancing area. But perhaps strangest of all is the ‘Do Knit Disturb’ room, where almost everything is knitted from wool. Cushions, lampshades, and even a tube of toothpaste have been crocheted. About 5kg of yarn was used to k(n)it the place out. Crazy, but cosy. SEE hotelpelirocco.co.uk; from £55pn The Old Railway Station, West Sussex WHAT Sleep in a real Pullman train carriage – think the luxurious likes of the Orient Express – sans the motion

WHAT Lay your head in a former pigsty at Robin Hood’s Bay, a pretty seaside spot near Whitby. While it might not sound like the most ritzy of abodes, it is actually an elegant exercise in 19th-century Mediterranean classicism, built by an eccentric country squire in the 1880s. Architectural embellishments include a handsome set of timber columns at the entry. Thanks to The Landmark Trust and a few modifications, now you can sleep in the sty, from which there is an NEXT WEEK unparalleled view of the famous bay. Up-and-coming SEE landmarktrust.org.uk; UK holiday spots from £100pn ❚ TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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Three nights in Barcelona is £149pp with Travelbag (0871 7034240; travelbag.co.uk). Includes three nights’ four-star, B&B accommodation and flights. Departs February 1.

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< £250 PRAGUE Three nights is £159pp with Travelbag (0871 7034240; travelbag.co.uk). Includes three nights’ four-star, B&B accommodation and flights. Departs January 31. AMSTERDAM AND BRUGES A two-night tour of Amsterdam and Bruges is £189pp with Anderson Tours (020 74369304; andersontours.co.uk). Includes two nights’ B&B accommodation, return coach and ferry travel, sightseeing tour, and a half-day in Belgium. Departs January 13. VENICE Three nights is £136pp with easyJet Holidays (0843 1041000; easyJet.com/holidays). Includes three-star, room-only accommodation and flights. Departs February 6. BUDAPEST Three nights is £134pp with lowcostholidays.com (0800 1116271). Includes four-star, B&B accommodation and flights. Departs London Luton on March 3. MOROCCO Five nights in Marrakech, Morocco is £129pp with lowcostholidays.com (0800 1116271). Includes four-star, B&B accommodation and flights. Departs from London Luton on January 29. PRAGUE Three nights is £129pp with cheapflights.co.uk (0800 1116271). Includes four-star, B&B accommodation and flights. Valid until March 26.

£250 – £500 NEW YORK Three nights is £479pp with Travelbag (0871 7034240; travelbag.co.uk). Includes three nights’ three-star accommodation and flights. For travel between now and March 31. SHARM EL SHEIKH Seven nights is £345pp with Flight Centre (0844 8008628; flightcentre.co.uk), quoting reference SSHLONPAC11. Includes seven nights’ five-star, B&B accommodation and flights. Book by January 31; valid for travel March 15-18. MOROCCO Seven nights in Agadir, Morocco is £309pp with lowcostholidays.com (0800 1116271). Includes seven nights’ fourstar, B&B accommodation and flights. Departs January 31. LAS VEGAS Three nights is £499pp with Travelbag (0871 7034240; travelbag.co.uk). Includes three nights’ accommodation and flights. Valid until March 31.

> £500 BARBADOS Seven nights in Barbados is £932pp with lowcostholidays.com (0800 1116271). Includes three-star, roomonly accommodation at the Amaryllis Beach Resort Aparthotel in Hastings and flights. Departs from Gatwick Airport on February 19. ORLANDO Seven nights in Orlando is £549pp with lowcostholidays.com (0800 1116271). Includes four-star, B&B accommodation at the Worldgate Resort Hotel in Kissimmee and flights. Departs from Heathrow Airport on February 7. FINNISH LAPLAND Six nights in Lapland is £1545pp with Activities Abroad (01670 789991; activitiesabroad.com). Includes six nights’ full-board accommodation, activities including snowmobiling and cross-country skiing, cold-weather clothing, guides and instructors, and flights. Departs February 12.

DAILY TRAVEL DEALS GO TO tntmagazine.com/travel/latedeals where new travel deals are updated daily. There are more than 30 deals live at any time. Also sign up for TNT’s weekly travel newsletter, which will be emailed to you every Wednesday with the most up-to-date deals and guides to over 170 destinations. Sign up at tntmagazine.com/travelemail.

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LAILA PACHECO

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Talks travel photography

WALK BY Andrea David, Debrecen, Hungary

WHY IT WORKS Images like this always intrigue. I often like to sit and look at them, wondering where the person is going to or walking away from. Images are meant to spark imagination in the viewer; to tell a story and engage us. I love making up stories with such a narrow brief. Here, the composition, with the foreground leading us on to the subjects, then them being dwarfed by the horizon, gives a magical feel.

RUNNER-UP THE NIGHT LIGHTS OF NIAGARA FALLS Melanie Vaughan, New Zealand

WHY IT WORKS Having seen the Niagara Falls myself, I can tell you how difficult it is to get a decent picture. There are hundreds of tourists, and the amount of water that is sprayed off mists up your camera and can create watermarks all over your lenses. Melanie has managed to capture the velocity of the falls and the beauty of it lit up at night.

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HOT TIPS: Tripods The most important function of a tripod is to hold the camera steady and avoid any unwanted movement that can make your images out of focus. Mainly, this is done when there is low lighting and the photographer is using a long exposure time. Holding your camera will inevitably create some sort of camera shake. With travel photography especially, it can be a pain to

drag a tripod around on a day out: they are heavy, big and you will need time to set them up. This is why tripods are mainly used for landscape or architecture, where you have time to set up an image. If you don’t want to lug a tripod around you can try finding a ledge to rest your camera on. Investing in a cable release could also be an option, as that will also cut the chances of camera shake.

A THREE DAY TOUR OF SCOTLAND AND A PHOTOGRAPHY COURSE

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TOP FIVE

BOHEMIAN ENCLAVES

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KATHMANDU, NEPAL

A hub for hippies for decades, Nepal’s capital city is a delicious fusion of East and West. Nestled at the heart of the Kathmandu valley, a mystical ‘mountain bowl’ setting in the shadow of the soaring Himalayas, Kathmandu has been shining a welcome beacon to travellers ever since Nepal opened its borders to foreigners in the Fifties. The first visitors, geographers and mountaineers, who came here to survey and climb the highest mountains on Earth, were soon joined by hippies in search of the ultimate Shangri-la at the end of the overland – or ‘hippy’ – trail. Indeed, Kathmandu still has a road nicknamed ‘Freak Street’ (real name Jochen Tole) in memory of the many thousands of hippies who passed through. And, to this day, travellers come to Kathmandu in search of enlightenment, though they share the city with legions of trekkers and wellheeled tour groups. However, hosting seven Unesco World Heritage sites, produced by a mixture of Hinduism and Buddhism, the city’s spiritual side remains well 64 00

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and truly alive. The white dome of Swayambhu, one of Buddhism’s holiest sites, surmounted by a golden spire and festooned with prayer flags, is not only the place to go to get your bearings, but also to take a breather from the hubbub below. Meditation and yoga retreats are everywhere. It’s still possible to weed out palm-readers and the like, and the holy Hindu men, known as ‘sadhus’, are not hard to find at the city’s ancient sites for words of wisdom. So, while the extreme sports industry has been something of a 21st-century bohemian stand-in in Kathmandu, it just takes a more intrepid traveller, prepared to hunt through its hectic tangle of streets, to find the quarters that remain untouched. Don’t shun what you see at the face of it, though. Arguably, Kathmandu’s Western influences are all part of the appeal. A live classic rock cover band with Nepalese accents, and Mexican restaurants with curry specials, anyone? welcomenepal.com

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TOP FIVE CHECKING IN Cosy digs

TULUM, MEXICO

Tulum, with its ramshackle charm, possesses an enviable combination of magical coastline, fascinating history, and a charming town that developers haven’t got to yet. Besides the appeal of being able to swim to Mayan ruins, Tulum’s restaurants and bars are relaxed, as are the craft markets, where locals sell pottery, brightly coloured blankets and religious trinkets. This could be the most placid place on Earth. visitmexico.com

Photos: Getty, Thinkstock, wimdu.co.uk

GOA, INDIA

Goa has been a hippy haven since hippies existed. Still unabashedly chilled out, and sporting the greydreadlocked remnants of the Sixties Goa Freaks scene, it is without the hustle, bustle and haggling that pervades most of India. With a varied landscape ranging from thickly forested mountains to the beaches of its 75-mile-long coast, it offers lungfuls of fresh ocean air and bowlfuls of spicy vegetarian curries for the budget-conscious traveller. goatourism.gov.in

DALI, CHINA

A city of antiquity, Dali is a mellow oasis in the heart of the southwestern province of Yunnan. In amongst its town walls is a tourist-friendly strip of hippy cafes, and a bohemian vibe engendered by alternative types and student dropouts, who have flocked here for solace from the big cities. The dramatic, mist-shrouded Cangshan mountains provide the bewitching backdrop. cnto.info

SAN FRANCISCO, US

Known as the City by the Bay, San Francisco is arguably the most cosmopolitan and bohemian city in the great US of A. A city of icons, including the Golden Gate Bridge, and steep winding streets lined with bright, pretty houses, San Fran has, for decades, been home to a thriving gay scene and anyone with a penchant for alternative free-thinking. Visit Marin County on the outskirts, known for its liberal politics – and, of course, people. sanfrancisco.travel

16C ULRICHGASSE OVERVIEW The concept behind wimdu.co.uk is simple, but fantastically effective: pay the same price you would at a hostel to stay in a property rented out by a local, providing cheap and private accommodation in a more authentic, off-the-beaten track neighbourhood than you’re likely to find your average hotel. We stayed in a one-bedroom in Cologne’s South Town, a 10-minute walk from the lively student nightlife district. WOW FACTOR Cosy and modern, paying £17pppn over the new year period for private digs was a real steal. A large sofabed in the living room meant four of us could stay in the apartment and take advantage of self-catering in our own kitchen and endless hot showers in our own bathroom. Being able to walk to the best bars saved significantly on taxi fares. ROOMS The bedroom is huge with ample wardrobe space, and the living room comes with cable TV. Plus there’s a balcony and garden. BILL PLEASE From £51pn for the flat, depending on the season.

16C Ulrichgasse, 50678, Cologne wimdu.co.uk Severinstrasse

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Driving back to Aus by campervan isn’t necessarily nuts if you take the right route

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YOU ASKED FOR IT... LAURA LINDSAY FROM LONELY PLANET

husband and I have decided to Q My drive our camper van back to Australia via Asia. We’re not sure which route to take (specifically, whether to go through Kazakhstan or Mongolia). Can you help, and can you suggest any good companies to ship our camper from Asia to Australia? Ella, via email are a number of safety concerns with A There travel to Kazakhstan: most recently, the

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so what would you recommend as mustsees? We are on a budget. Matt, via email can easily be enjoyed on a A Budapest budget. It’s a largely walkable city and you can see a number of the major sights in just a few days. Spend a morning in the castle district and start out at the Royal Palace, where you will find an ornate building steeped in history; it’s packed with monuments, statues and two museums. You will have to pay to enter some attractions in the palace, such as The History Museum (£3.60) and the National Gallery (£3.80), so it’s worth prioritising your time and money according to your personal interests. Then head to the nearby Fisherman’s Bastion. This beautiful Disney castle-esque structure is not only a great sight but also provides some of the best views of the city. Next, stroll along the Danube to view the stunning parliamentary building – one of the world’s best looking centres of government. After all of that exploring, opt for a second day of relaxation at the Széchenyi Baths (budapestgyogyfurdoi.hu). The largest medicinal bath extant in Europe, its ornate yellow building is stunning and entry is under £10. Then stroll around the lush green of City Park and down to top tourist sight Heroes’ Square. If you want to indulge in some shopping, pedestrianised street Váci utca is the place to go.

GO GO GADGETS A reusable fold-up plastic water bottle by Platypus can be refilled at drinking fountains and save you a lot of money. Also get yourself a Kindle, and then you won’t need to carry heavy paperbacks everywhere on your trip. Happy travelling! Brita Bevis, via Facebook

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Lonely Planet’s Laura Lindsay will give you the benefit of her infinite wisdom if you email a question to traveltips@tntmagazine.com. If your question is answered, you’ll win a Lonely Planet guide of your choice. This is a reader forum — TNT and Lonely Planet accepts no responsibility for any loss, injury or inconvenience sustained by anyone using the information provided.

Photos: Getty

town of Zhanaozen has been the site of unrest, and you should not travel to Shepte. If you do choose to drive across Kazakhstan, you should keep abreast of the political situation as there have also been clashes elsewhere in the country. I would recommend going through Mongolia where there are no restrictions. However, this will involve further driving within Russia which also has some travel restrictions right now. The north Caucasus and the area bordering Georgia should be avoided. Also, you will need an international driving licence to drive in Mongolia and the Ukraine, and in Russia you are advised to have a Russian translation of your UK driving licence. To transport your campervan, you should be aware that it will be pricey! Excess Baggage (excess-baggage.com) is an established firm: their average shipping cost for this starts at around £4000. When you have decided your route, you will need to confirm vehicle import restrictions for the countries you are travelling to.

planning a short break this spring Q ItoamBudapest. I have never been before,

SONG OF A SARONG TIP Always travel with a OF THE sarong! A sarong can be a WEEK towel, a picnic rug, a sheet, a blanket, rain protector, a piece of clothing (scarf, dress, skirt, bolero or top), a pillow, and I’m sure there are many more uses. It is light and will always fit in your backpack/ suitcase. Plus it dries quick! Bonus! Keira Douglas, via email

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WHERE IN THE WORLD?

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A TRIP FOR TWO TO BATH & STONEHENGE

Been somewhere good lately? Send us a horizontal photo of yourself with a copy of TNT from anywhere around the world and, if we print it, you’ll win a trip for two to Bath and Stonehenge with Anderson Tours, valued at £104! » Email your pictures to ontheroad@ tntmagazine.com along with your name, where you’re from and where the photo was taken, or see tntmagazine.com/world. Files must be at least 500Kb.

GALAPAGOS ISLANDS, ECUADOR Rhonda from London, England

BEST / WORST TRIP

THE TRAVELLER

JIM MATTHEWS, 33

JESSICA WOOD, 25

Hull, England

Stratford-upon-Avon, England

BEST A couple of weeks in the Dominican Republic, where I went swimming with dolphins. It was awesome. WORST I was on holiday in Turkey with a couple of friends and their kids. My friends started arguing, so to try to cheer up the kids, I decided to throw the fishbowl filled with cocktail I was drinking in my face. But because I was pissed, I misjudged it and smashed the fishbowl into my face, cutting my lips open. I spent the rest of the holiday taking antibiotics, which meant I couldn’t drink anymore!

Most memorable travel experience? Doing a tandem bungee jump off Victoria Falls. It was really scary but worth it. Scariest travel experience? Driving along a mountain road in Kenya, with a sheer drop on one side. We were really close to the edge and the driver was smoking a huge joint at the time! Essential travel item? I always take some nice underwear with me so that I don’t get depressed about wearing horrid granny pants the whole time.

» Tell us your best/worst trips, email laura.chubb@tntmagazine.com

Photos: Thinkstock; TNT

SPLASHING OUT

AFRICAN CRUISE A new ‘Africa Safaris and Wildlife Cruise’ programme includes a four-night cruise along the banks of the Big Five-rich Chobe National Park in Botswana. Packages range between 16 and 19 days, from £5622pp with AMA Waterways (0808 2235009; amawaterways.co.uk). Price excludes flights and transfers.

THE INSIDER

PETER DIETZE, General manager Amari Emerald Cove Koh Chang

My first ever big trip was to the Caribbean. I was only about 23, but decided to take the plunge and travel on my own. I’ve had the travelling bug ever since! My favourite place in the world is, aside from my home country of Germany, Koh Chang in Thailand. It’s truly a paradise island. I feel very lucky to live and work here. The next trip on my travel wishlist is Hong Kong, definitely. I love the fast pace of the city, as well as the diverse cultures and its unique mix of the modern world combined with old Chinese traditions. My guilty travel pleasure is a little elephant keychain that I always have with me for good luck. The elephant symbolises wisdom, strength and power. It’s also the national symbol of Thailand, a country that I love. I always pack a photo of my wife and, of course, these days I can’t live without my iPhone! TNTMAGAZINE.COM

Chill out at the Big Snow Festival, Serbia

Winter festivals EUROPE

Drink up at the Strong Beer Festival

Let it burn at Las Fallas, Spain 68

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SHORTBREAK

Europe’s coolest parties Just because it’s cold, doesn’t mean the fun’s over. Here’s your essential guide to having a good time hotting up 2012 WORDS AZZAM ALKADHI

Summer isn’t the only festival season – in Europe, winter is arguably the better time of year to get involved with local tradition; be that throwing oranges at each other, setting fire to the city, or dancing to Basement Jaxx in the snow. Here’s our pick of dates for your diary.

Las Fallas, Valencia, March 15-19 Why? This fiery fiesta embodies the Spanish appetite for celebration. Valencia’s five-day-long party has the city swell to three times its normal population, as tourists flock in their thousands to join in with the festivities. But for the local communities, preparations for the event are year-round, as each neighbourhood works to create the most impressive ninots: papier mache works of art that double as a satirical stab at anyone – politicians, celebrities, etc – who has drawn the disdain of the Valencians that year. After the ninots are paraded through the town, the festival culminates in setting these firework-filled effigies on fire. Originally, the whole shebang began as the feast day for St Joseph, but has since become a raucous orgy of bullfights, parades, paella contests, beauty pageants and fireworks. Money shot: The ceremonial burning of the ninots is a gloriously timed spectacle, which lights up the whole city. Don’t stop snapping. See: lasfallas.net

Ivrea Carnival, Italy, February 18-21 Why? Built on anarchic values and a belief in liberty, Ivrea’s carnival celebrates the moment the city was freed from the tyrannical grasp of a baron by a humble miller’s daughter who chopped off his head and roused the people to revolt. The fight for freedom remains at the heart of proceedings. Money shot: Prepare yourself for a citrus soaking as the city descends into a massive orange fight. Why? Some say that the oranges are meant to represent the baron’s chopped-off head, but it hardly matters – the point of the event is simple: fooood fiiiight!! You’re welcome to enrol in a local team if you fancy taking part; if spectating is more your thing, don a red hat – it signifies that you’re a revolutionary, so you won’t get pelted. Think of it as a warm up for La Tomatina in summer. See: festivalpig.com

Strong Beer Festival, Munich, March 9-25 Why? Sort of like Oktoberfest without the tourists, the Strong Beer Festival dates back to 1751, about 100 years after the Paulaner monks of Munich started brewing ››

Big Snow Festival, Serbia, March 23-29 Why? The Big Snow team has joined forces with the organisers of Serbia’s major music festival, Exit, to bring slamming tunes to the slopes. This winter carnival of snowsports, live music and all-night parties is moving from its original home of Arinsal in Andorra this year, as the event has grown too big for the resort. Relocated to the mountains of Kopaonik, Big Snow provides the perfect blend of music and powder, for a week of adrenalin-fuelled fun. There are ski runs to suit every level, cheap lift passes and even floodlights for night skiing. The tunes will be spinning from the hands of international DJs including Judge Jules and Freestylers. Money shot: This year’s headline act is Basement Jaxx, so squeeze to the front and get the perfect pic. See: thebigsnowfestival.com

Mask up at Venice Carnival TNTMAGAZINE.COM

their now famous Salvator beer. Legend has it that the thick, strong beer was created to sustain them during Lent. Munich’s legendary beer halls fill up to bursting point with red-nosed revellers enjoying the many local brews and, of course, piles of pork sausages. Be warned: these malty brews will sneak up on even the most experienced boozers. Money shot: Buxom beer wenches carrying up to 10 steins of strong beer in each hand at a time. See: beerfestivals.org

Patras Carnival, Greece, January 17-February 27 Why? Greece claims to be the birthplace of the carnival, with the first references to anything resembling a parade float apparently coming in 500BC when a statue of Dionysus was carried from his temple as part of the opening ceremony of a stage drama. Whatever the history, the Patras Carnival is a colourful and fascinating affair, with balls, parades and treasure hunts spanning a six-week period. With strong French and Italian influences from past occupations, there is a unique vibe to this carnival that sets it apart from other Greek celebrations. Money shot: The last weekend of the carnival is when it all kicks off. The Grand Parade on Sunday sees 300,000 people dancing in the streets and admiring the hundreds of floats and costumed groups, before the ceremonial burning of the float of the Carnival King. (It seems Europeans just love seeing shit on fire). See: carnifest.com

St Patrick’s Day, Dublin, March 17 Why? This Irish national holiday is probably the most widely celebrated saint’s day in the world – everyone wants to be Irish on March 17 and it’s easy to see why. It’s not just about the Guinness – although you can be sure the black stuff will form the core of any Paddy’s day festivities – but about celebrating Irish identity (you’ll hear a lot more Irish being spoken by proud natives around this time). The piss-up element also has a history of sorts – it represents the lifting of Lentern restrictions on food and booze otherwise required around this time. As part of the event, Dublin will host various street theatres, comedy nights, and Irish music. Money shot: If you haven’t boozed yourself into a blind stupor, you won’t want to miss the main parade in Dublin. About half a million people line the 1.5-mile route to see the floats. Dancers and musicians keep the crowds entertained and the party lasts all day and well into the night. See: stpatricksfestival.ie

Venice Carnival, Venice, February 11-21

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WINTER WARMERS Fancy a winter festival with a splash of sun? Try these festivities further afar …

RIO CARNIVAL, BRAZIL – FEB 17-21 Probably the world’s most famous carnival, with two million people hitting the streets every day in an orgy of samba, caipirinha and costumes. (rio-carnival.net)

LA DIABLADA, BOLIVIA – FEB 17-20 Every year, the small mining town of Oruro erupts into colour and noise as locals dress up as devils, demons or Spanish conquistadors to dance, sing and have massive water fights. (ladiabladadeoruro.com)

TRINIDAD CARNIVAL – FEB 20-21 Think Notting Hill, but better. Calypso and Soca music accompany massive floats, dance displays, stick fights and limbo competitions. (gotrinidadandtobago.com)

GOA CARNIVAL, INDIA – FEB 18-21 Started by the Portuguese Christians who ruled the island in the 1500s, the carnival has since absorbed elements of Hindu tradition to create a truly unique mix of western dance, Indian music and delicious food. (carnivalgoa.com)

Get loose in Rio

Photos: turisvalencia.es, Getty

Why? Masked balls in Venice date back to the 13th century and have formed an important part of Venetian history over the years. The carnival has changed from the days when international dignitaries would come to the city to enjoy the wild party, letting their hair down by gambling, visiting brothels or being wowed by exotic animals and circus performers. Nowadays, it’s really just an excuse to get tourists to come and take part in gimmicky, but still enjoyable, balls and parties. Money shot: The use of masks was designed to transcend social classes and allowed Venetians from all walks of life to mingle and socialise. Every year there is a contest for the best mask, voted for by a jury of international designers. You’ll be amazed by the lengths people go to for the perfect mask. See: venicecarnival.com ❚

There’s more to St Patrick’s Day than Guinness

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TRAVELWEEKENDER

Ljubbly Jubbly This is Ljubljana in 48 hours WORDS REBECCA KENT

DAY 1: 9:00 Slovenia’s bijou, beautiful and cheap capital is a joy to explore on foot. Start your walking tour in Presernov trg, the city’s main square, dominated by the striking, photogenic dark-pink Franciscan church. This area is the commercial and administrative heart of the city, as well as where all the main museums are. The National Gallery of Slovenia (ng-slo.si) is worth a visit. Cross the Ljubljanica river by the eccentric Triple Bridge, one of the city’s landmarks, designed by one of Ljubljanica’s most famous residents, the architect Joze Plecnik. In front of you is the grey and white façade of the Town Hall. Check out its beautiful Baroque inner courtyard. 10:30 Slovenia’s charming Old Town is arranged along the three interlinked, cobbled squares of Mestni trg, Stari trg, and Gornji trg. Turn right at the Town Hall and wander along the former two, flanked by boutiques and restaurants, before returning to the river bank, which brims with trendy riverside al fresco cafes, bars and restaurants. Have a bite here on the green banks. 13:00 Cross the Ljubljanica by the Cobblers’ Bridge, where 17th-century shoemakers traded free of tax. Just beyond Novi trg is the striking National Library, another creation from Plecnik. You’ll have to venture inside to experience the intended change from darkness to light, which was the architect’s metaphor for acquiring knowledge. 14:00 Turn right along Gosposka ulica, passing on your left the Baroque Kongresni trg. Explore the Knafljev prehod, an oasis of bars and restaurants beside a little park. 72

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15:30 Take a short stroll south to the home of Plecnik, at 4 Karunova ulica (16), where he lived until his death in 1957. It is open to tourists, and runs hourly tours. 19:00 Hungry? Ljubljana has a seemingly endless supply of pizza joints, and their quality can satisfy the tastes of even the most demanding connoisseurs. Line your stomach with the best in town at Pizzerija Trta (Grudnovo nabrežje 21). 21:30 Ljubljana owes its youthful character to having Slovenia’s largest student population, which also fuels an eclectic and buzzing nightlife scene. Most revellers start their night at Cafe Macek (sobe-macek.si), probably the most famous of the city’s riverside haunts. Kick start the night with a couple of Laskos (local beer). Your options for nightlife from hereon in are almost endless. 02:00 Slovenia’s capital is well-endowed when it comes to cheap street food, and the classic snack, the burek, is filo pastry, stuffed with cheese, meat or apple. It’s the kebab of the Balkans. Nobel Burek (Miklosiceva 30) is the pick of the lot, providing a fine, non-greasy, piping-hot version for pocket change. It’s open 24 hours to accommodate hungry people of all levels of sobriety. Tuck in here before bed. 03:00 Rest your head at the Zeppelin hostel (zeppelinhostel.com), just a few blocks away from the Old Town. A room in a 10-bed dorm costs £19.27. DAY 2: 11:00 Enjoy your free breakfast … and then it’s time to go to church. The Catholic 18th-century Cathedral of St Nicholas (1 Dolnicarjeva ulica) has an imposing green dome and twin bell towers. You’ll be awed by the dazzling,

Photos: Slovenia Tourist Board

Positioned in the historical centre of the town of Celje in the middle of Slovenia 70 km east of Ljubljana. The cultural heritage of the town of Celje is graphically depicted by the youth hostels eleven theme rooms. In order to make our hostel just a little bit special, we’ve employed the help of young artists from Celje, who have outfitted individual rooms, based on the local myths and legends. Details of these rooms have been, in various ways, incorporated throughout the hostel, thus telling a story of unique history, odd characters and other fascinating things our city has to offer.

vivid ceiling frescos by Giulo Quaglio, and the beautiful bronze doors, added in 1996 to commemorate the visit of Pope John Paul II. 12:30 From here, trudge up the shady path from St Florian’s Church (Gornji trg) towards the heavily fortified walls of the Ljubljana castle on Castle Hill that dominates the city. Or, the funicular railway from Krekov trg will get you there quicker. Admission to the castle is free but you pay £3 to climb the 100 steps of the watchtower, from where you get a panorama, taking in Mount Triglav, Slovenia’s highest mountain. 14:00 Have lunch in a cafe in the leafy Trg Francoske (‘French Revolution Square’). 16:00 Stroll off the food at Tivoli Park, Ljubljana’s largest green space, which has a mix of formal gardens, woods and chestnut-shaded avenues. Access to the park is via a pedestrian subway at the end of Cankarjeva cesta. 17:30 Enjoy a different perspective of the city with a boat tour. Early in the evening the sun throws its light over the beautiful Old Town. Tours leave from Ribji trg pier, and cost £8.35. Keep an eye out for the dragon on Dragon Bridge, which allegedly wags its tail when a virgin crosses. 20:00 Finally, spend your last night at the long-standing Jazz Club Gajo (jazzclubgajo.com). Fly direct from Stansted airport to Ljubljana’s Joze Plecnik airport, 27km north west of the capital, with easyjet for about £100. easyjet.co.uk

www.hostel-celje.com

GUESTS ENJOY...... lounge, kitchen, cafeteria, seminar rooms, multifunctional hall-room, washing room and the winter garden. PLUS....unlimited WiFi - computer corner - free bike rental MCC Hostel, Mariborska 2, SI - 3000 Celje E-mail: mcc.hostel@mc-celje.si Tel:+386 (0)3 490 87 42 - Mob: +386 (0)40 756 009 TNTMAGAZINE.COM

Eyre Peninsula AUSTRALIA

GETTING THERE Return flights from London to Adelaide require multipart bookings and start at about £1399. Check skyscanner.net for the best deals.

AUSTRALIA

Adelaide Eyre Penninsula

CANBERRA

Like all good sushi connoisseurs, great whites can’t get enough bluefin tuna 74

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BIGTRIP

Chasing Jaws We head to South Australia’s underexplored Eyre Peninsula and get face-to-face with great whites, sea lions, and shagging koalas WORDS ANDREW WESTBROOK

WHEN TO GO: Warm summers, mild winters and a balmy spring I’m staring wide-eyed at a school of frenzied combining an ancient unspoken authority and autumn make the Eyre fish devouring a lump of tuna, when with a temporary beauty. We spend our time Peninsula a year-round destination, walking among the canyons, spotting the suddenly, SMACK! The cage I’m in is rocked though most rainfall is in the winter rare yellow-footed rock wallabies, which are to the side. Looking over my shoulder in months of June-August. shock, I’m overwhelmed by a love for metal common in the area, plus a variety of crazybars I never thought possible. The reason? looking and crazy-named lizards, like the CURRENCY: £1 = AU$1.51 It’s the only thing separating me from the ACCOMMODATION: The Port shingleback skink or painted dragon. giant, violently thrashing great white shark We’re told to be wary of the brown Lincoln Lions Hostel is probably just inches from my face. and tiger snakes that are abundant – “you your best bet when it comes to a I’m in the chilly Southern Ocean waters off sleepless night before cage-diving absolutely will be within a metre of one of the Neptune Islands, by Port Lincoln, a place the world’s most dangerous snakes on this with great whites. Dorm beds famous for two things above all else – some trip, even if you don’t know it,” assures tour at the hostel, set amid farmland of the world’s tastiest tuna and those tunas’ guide Simmo. That makes us nervous. But overlooking Boston Island, start at biggest fans, great white sharks. gagging to see one. No such luck. AU$20pppn, or about £13pppn. It’s for good reason that Steven Spielberg At nightfall, we camp out around the (portlincolnlionshostel.org) chose these South Australian waters to film fire, in swags under the stars. Forget diving SEE: southaustralia.com the real sharks in Jaws. It just happens to be a the reef or climbing the Sydney Harbour Bridge. A swag, some good people and favourite holiday destination for the world’s the Milky Way for a roof is all you need for the ultimate biggest predatory fish. But more on that later, as the cage Aussie experience. diving experience is the grand finale to my six-day tour of The next day, we move on to Coodlie Park, a farm retreat South Australia’s Eyre Peninsula – a region, it’s fair to say, that is to be our base for a couple of nights. Now it’s time to that is not on the usual backpacker trail. start the mission in earnest, with a full-on day that leaves our Nestled between the Great Australian Bight to the adrenal glands aching as much as our muscles. west, the Spencer Gulf to the east and the Gawler Ranges It starts with something I’ve wanted to do for a long time to the north, the Eyre is a vast area that boasts some of – swimming with sea lions at Baird Bay. While I’ve been lucky Australia’s cutest, scariest and most downright surreal animal enough to swim with dolphins in half a dozen different experiences. Which is why I’m here. I’m on a mission to do places, sea lions, I’ve been told time and time again, are them all. the coolest cats when it comes to underwater interaction. Starting with a bleary-eyed pickup in the early hours of In we jump to the bay’s undeniably icy blue, treading an Adelaide morning, the operation begins with a drive water in a natural pool by the nearby sea lion colony. And a couple of hundred clicks north to the southern reaches luckily, due to some serious shivering, we don’t have to wait of the Flinders Ranges. While there’s no time on this trip long. Just as I’m pondering the symptoms of pneumonia, our to make it as far north as the region’s pin-up star Wilpena first playmate speeds inquisitively through the perfectly clear Pound, even the southern Flinders are a geological wonder waters towards us. it’s hard not to stare at in awe. Six hundred million years or As the cold is jolted from of our minds (well, almost), this so of erosion has meant the mountains no longer soar as far forerunner is soon joined by his buddies. beyond the clouds as they once did, but there’s no doubting They swim under and around us, spinning and swivelling, the majesty of a range 10 times older (and once higher) than twisting and turning. It really is incredible. With their gentle the Himalayas. faces and big, friendly eyes, they genuinely seem to want Seasonal wild flowers adorn every rising hill, adding ›› to play with us (or at least laugh about how rubbish we psychedelic waves of colour to the craggy contours, TNTMAGAZINE.COM

Horny beast?

Surfing at Baird Bay are in the water), hanging around for much longer and coming much closer than dolphins generally do. At one point, something grey and much bigger darts in front of me. My heart skips a beat until I realise it’s a bottlenose dolphin. Two, in fact. They clearly don’t want to miss out on the fun. However, I never tire of the privilege of seeing and swimming with dolphins in the water, they’re no match in the personality stakes, for the sea lions, who, like the perfect party host, seem determined to make sure we never get bored while in their neck of the woods. When the party does finally end, we’ve just got time for a quick barbie before it’s back into the water, this time for a surfing lesson. After a few pointers on trying to master “the snap”, we’re released into the blue for our chance to hang 10. Cue several near drownings, an arm-straining workout and some brilliantly glorious, if very brief, moments actually standing up. Despite my muscles screaming for mercy, I’m immediately hooked, always wanting one more go. But our time is soon up and I begin to regret my eagerness in the water as we head towards the final leg of our adrenaline-packed day – sandboarding. Turning a corner, it seems the South Australian landscape has transformed into the Sahara, as we’re met by a series of soaring sand dunes. We’re soon clambering up the sand, boards under our arms, only to fling ourselves back down screaming our heads off. It’s a lot of fun, but coming straight after surfing, we can only manage a few goes each before slumping back into the dunes to catch our breath and admire the sandswept panorama. The next morning we hit the road again, heading onwards to check out the area’s spectacular coastline, all the while edging closer to Port Lincoln’s sharks. 76

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A shingleback skink For our final night, we stay at Mikkara, a sort of koalasanctuary-meets-campground. There are more wild koalas here than I’ve ever seen. Back in a swag for the night, I fall asleep to the sounds of the horny marsupials in the trees around us. The next morning, it’s finally time for Port Lincoln. The sharks, however, must wait just a little bit longer. First I need to get in character and meet their bait – bluefin tuna. Port Lincoln is first and foremost a tuna town. The main

Look the great predator in the eyes

reason it boasts more millionaires per capita than anywhere else in Australia is that the tuna is damn good, with most of it heading straight to Japan’s sashimi markets. So, it’s perhaps not surprising that not so long ago somebody thought up one of the stranger wildlife experiences Down Under: swimming with tuna. Wetsuited again, we find ourselves in a pen floating out at sea. The tuna, incidentally far bigger than I had realised, are everywhere. They also have sharp teeth and can move at a zippy 70kmph. One helpful soul chucks a handful of pilchards in my direction; suddenly, I’m surrounded by hungry missiles firing in every direction, seemingly at the speed of light. One fellow swimmer, apparently with a pilchard-looking finger, cops a papercutlike slice to the hand. It’s a surreal experience, strangely unnerving, and I leave with a new-found respect for the bluefin and a feeling that I’ve earned my next tuna sandwich. There’s now nothing between me and the cage. Up at dawn the next day, we spend a few hours heading along the coast to the Neptune Islands. With a giant splash, the metal

“

SMACK! – the cage is rocked to the side

”

enclosure is dropped off the back of the boat along with a couple of tuna carcasses, and then the waiting game begins. It’s barely half an hour before the first, “shaaaark!” yell goes out and we all scamper to the side. It’s a big one. Four, maybe five, metres long. Seeing such a massive predator circling the boat, its fin carving through the water, is intimidating, to say the least. With the sighting goes the call for cage volunteers. I hang back. I’ve been tipped off that the later you go, the more likely you are to see a greater number of sharks, so I let the tension mount. The hours pass. Sharks come and go, worried faces get into cages and grinning, slightly demented, ones ›› get out. Finally, it’s my turn.

Lap up Mission Beach

AUSTRALIA’S BEST BEACHES There are 10,000 stretches of sand to choose from in Australia. So which ones shouldn’t you miss?

MISSION BEACH In a nutshell: Golden sands separate rainforest from reef. Tell me more: This underrated spot, a few hours south of Cairns, boasts kilometres of spectacular beaches happily clashing with World Heritage-listed rainforest. After a swim and a sunbathe, wander through the lush green wonderland looking for endangered cassowaries. Where? North Queensland. WINEGLASS BAY In a nutshell: Like wine, it makes you feel relaxed, a little dozy and wanting more. Tell me more: You do need to walk uphill for an hour to get here, but we wouldn’t recommend such torture unless it was worth it. Bask on the vacant glistening sand, juxtaposing green hills and bush land (there’s a great little campsite too), and watch dolphins frolic in the bay. The most beautiful spot on a beautiful island. Where? Tasmania’s east coast.

CORAL BAY In a nutshell: Where the reef starts at the water’s edge. Tell me more: You’ll be amazed at the array of bizarre creatures lurking among the coral. The bay is frequented by whale sharks, humpback whales, manta rays, turtles and reef sharks. It’s pretty, too, with no other bugger about. Where? Near Exmouth, Western Australia. HYAMS BEACH In a nutshell: Claims to have “the whitest sand in the world”. Tell me more: It may not officially hold a world record, but the sand sure is white. The beach is calm and relaxing and the water moves like an old lady, very slowly and laboriously as if it’s got all the time in the world. This gentle spot is perfect for a romantic stroll, dolphin spotting, and swimming in secluded coves. Where? Jervis Bay, south coast of New South Wales.

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I take the plunge and find myself at the front of a cage with a worryingly large gap (apparently, if a shark does get its nose inside, it can’t open its mouth). For the next 45 adrenaline-pumping minutes, I’m glued to the spot, awestruck. I’ve no idea how many giant sharks I see, perhaps three (they kinda look the same), but I see them a lot. And oh so close. But the strange thing is that’s it’s in no way scary, just truly magnificent. Watching these giant killers feeding in their natural habitat, while looking you in the eye, is quite simply something I’ll never forget. And, perhaps unsurprisingly, when I finally climb out of the cage, the demented grin is firmly in place. ❚ Andrew Westbrook travelled with Nullarbor Traveller. The six-day Secrets of Eyre Peninsula tour costs from AU$840 (about £556), including surf lesson and tuna swim. thetraveller.net.au. The sea lion and dolphin swim with Baird Bay Charters is AU$140 (about £90). bairdbay.com. One-day great white cage-diving with Calypso Star Charters costs from AU$495 (about £330). sharkcagediving.com.au

Risky: when in the water, do not insert head here

AUSTRALIA’S BEST DIVE SITES

THE WHITSUNDAYS The Whitsundays include more than 70 islands, so there are heaps of options to choose from. It’s a great spot for learners, with introductory dives and snorkelling readily available, plus plenty of scope for more-experienced dive enthusiasts. NINGALOO REEF Even better than the Great Barrier, this area is protected, preserving an ecosystem of more than 500 species of fish, whales, whale sharks, manta rays, turtles and dugongs. There’s also a spectacular reef only 100 metres offshore with far less people than the GBR. The closest main town is Exmouth, Western Australia.

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Sandswept: boarding the dunes of South Australia

NEXT WEEK Jordan: Adventure sports in the Hashemite Kingdom

Photos: SA Tourism Commission & Calypso, ©Tourism Qld, Tourism WA, Thinkstock

GREAT BARRIER REEF Though the site is protected on the World Heritage list, the Great Barrier Reef is still under threat, so you should seize upon any chance you get to go and explore. The reef, which comprises a staggering 2000km of corals and lagoons, is accessible from a number of places along Queensland’s coast – Cairns being the most popular – and there are scores of dive providers to choose from. And the reef isn’t the only drawcard – there are also 1600 shipwrecks off the coast just waiting to be checked out by yours truly.

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dies Day). June 21-23 • Royal Ascot (inc, La st • La Tomatina. 9 Augu – 7 Oct • Oktoberfest. 22 Sept

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EGYPT AND THE RED SEA Pharaohs adventure 6 days King Tutankhamen 9 days Egypt Unplugged 10 days King Ramses 13 days 5-star Jewel of the Nile 10 days

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Simply St. Peteâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s 4 days Â£249 Â£429 Vodka Shot 6 days Back in the USSR 7 days Â£629 Russian Revolution 9 days Â£699

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ON THE GO have over 13 years experience of operating ANZAC day tours. We know how important this day is to you and each year our teams from the UK and Australia attend this event ensuring our tours run smoothly t We’re Aussies and Kiwi’s so drop in to our

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t Quality 4 star western standard hotels plus you can stay o/night in a hotel at ANZAC Cove t We have the best guides – handpicked by us and contracted a year in advance. t Enjoy a waterside BBQ with a good feed & chilled beer taking you through to the ANZAC day service plus a free hoodie! t A choicee of 4-14 day tours to suit all budgets or combine Egypt with ANZAC – great value! t With a variety of tour start dates you don’t need to pay top dollar for your flights. t Complimentary airport arrival transfers from any Istanbul airport in all tours t No mandatory single supplements or local payments on any of our ANZAC tours. t We offer unbeatable ON THE GO quality and always deliver what we promise!

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COMMONWEALTH WAR GRAVES COMMISSION

Pharaoh’s & ANZAC £729 departs 14 April 2012

In recognition of the effort the Commonwealth War Graves Commission undertakes at Gallipoli and other worldwide memorial sites ON THE GO are proud to make a donation to this organisation on your behalf for every ANZAC package booked – see www.cwgc.org

www.onthegotours.com 020 7371 1113

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Machu Warrior 7 days Â£740 Wild Costa Rica 9 days Â£580 Speedy Gonzalas 10 days Â£1050 Cancun to Antigua 10 days Â£610 Road to Rio 16 days Â£1220 Way to San Jose 15 days Â£990 Lima to Santiago 26 days Â£2070 Mayan Empires 22 days Â£1280 Why travel with ON THE GO t "#5" "*50 "50- o Ã¶OBODJBM protection t Ã¸FYJCMF HSPVQ UPVST t $FOUSBMMZ MPDBUFE TUBS IPUFMT t &YDFMMFOU FOUIVTJBTUJD UPVS MFBEFST t /P DPNQVMTPSZ ATJOHMF TVQQMFNFOU t No â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;local paymentâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; t -PUT PG :FBS SPVOE HVBSBOUFFE EFQBSUVSFT UP DIPPTF from t 5BLJOH ZPV PÃ² UIF CFBUFO USBDL t *ODB USBJM "NB[PO KVOHMF JODMVEFE

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egypt 9 day tour from only

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Summer Tours & Festivals

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6 APRIL

AMSTERDAM. 28 APRIL

VALENCIA, SPAIN. 16 MARCH

Make the most of your long weekend and head over to the stunning French capital and party in style.

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Award Winning 3,5,7 & 10 Day Adventures Mini-Group Discounts 4bN_N[aRRQ 1R]N_ab_R` =_RSR__RQ Of @A. A_NcRY 3YVTUa 0R[a_R A_NcRY 0BA@

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DUBLIN 10 MARCH 2012 The ultimate all-Ireland St Patrick’s extravaganza! See Ireland at its best North and South. INCLUSIONS: 8 nights accommodation and breakfasts, Exclusive Shamrocker St Pats Day t-shirt, parties and loads more

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IN 2012 EXPLORE THE WORLD WITH CONTIKI NORTH AMERICA including USA, Canada, Mexico & Hawaii stopover

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E& GMOYROPCCTO 9 DAY

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NOW

£250

ST PATRICK’S DAY DUBLIN

10 DAY

15 DAY

Dep. 20 Jan 2012

All Jan Departures!

£189

WAS £456

4 DAY

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17 - 20 Mar 2012

£390

NOW

PYRAMIDS & BEACHES

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Includes USD$135 Local Payment

Includes £110 Local Payment

VENICE CARNIVAL ONLY

WAS £292

£505

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WAS £605

Festivals 2012 17 - 20 Feb 2012

EGYPT EXPRESS

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for more festivals in 2012 see online UK Golden Backpack

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L8291 / Y2992

*Terms & Conditions apply. Flights not included. Egypt trip price includes local payment based on $1 = £0.64, which must be paid locally in USD. Morocco local payment must be paid locally in GBP. Exchange rates correct at time of printing, and subject to currency ﬂuctuations, depending when payment is made. Discount taken from the trip price and doesn’t include local payments. Subject to availability.

www.topdeck.travel/winter

EuroClub

March on Rome

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Dep. 26 Jan 2012 Includes Paris, Swiss Alps, Florence, Rome plus more!

WAS FROM

£625

£545 Includes £90 Food Fund

Dep. 26 Jan 2012 Includes Paris, Swiss Alps, Vienna, Berlin, Amsterdam, plus more!

15% OFF

WAS

£1575

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7 DAY

Dep. 12 Feb 2012 - February Half Term! All inclusive ski or snowboard: 6 nights hostel, all meals, lift ticket, equipment hire, plus more! Make your own way

Dep. 1 Apr & 8 Apr 2012 All inclusive ski or snowboard: 6 nights hostel, all meals, lift ticket, equipment hire, plus more! Make your own way

ONLY

Ski France

£749

Ski France Easter FROM

15% OFF

24 DAY FROM

9 DAY

£549

9 DAY

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£749

CALL US 0845 257 5210 TNTMAGAZINE.COM Prices quoted are for speciﬁc departures only. All trips subject to availability. Discounts are off trip prices only, and do not include food funds, sailing funds and local payments. Flights not included. See online for full terms and conditions.

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& SKI

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Post your message at tntmagazine.com/seeking or email seeking@tntmagazine.com. Text TNT and your message to 81707* year happy? Matt from Brissie. To my friends and fellow football-lovers: Thanks for showing me such a great birthday. Some birthday wishes can come true, even if they are the smallest of ones – like a win at the Lane. You’ve all made me feel so lucky and special. COYS!!!! Caz xx To Tone the Bone from Shoreditch: You can stop stalking me now ... I live with you. Vikash and the bum bandits:

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THINGS THE QUEEN SHOULD DO BEFORE SHE DIES

#461 Make an appearance at the London Mime Festival

It was awesome to see you after all these years. School days are such a vague memory. It was great reliving them all with you. Your friends were a hunky-looking bunch. How’d you all get on at the gay bar? More to the point, how did your gay friend’s straight brother go? Hope he didn’t have to bend down to pick up dropped change! Come back for more Sambucas one day – plenty more where they came from. Bottoms Up! Gravel gnashers: I just wanted to wish you a happy new year so you could see it in print in TNT

Electrics New Year’s Eve party: You kept licking my beard all night and telling me I was really cute, then I spent most of the night hanging off you, and my lazy lob hanging off me (to the left, remember?). We kissed, we danced and you gave me your phone number. I put it in my pocket, but it ended up in the wash. DOH! However, I also put my number in your phone under Pistol Pete, when you gave it to your friend Amy to hold. Clever dick, aren’t I? What are you waiting for? Get on the blower then. Pistol.

Happy New Year to the Atlee Cavern crew: 2011 was such an epic year: SCENARIOS, corner marking, drunken drawings, Cider House Rules, kebabs under the couches, winter Brady Bunch gatherings, sleeping bag races in the corridor, sailing Croatia in the Cavern, Monday sitcom nights and hour-of-lunge-and-ab-crunch-power Wednesdays. Let’s go large and do it all over again, Ben, Riss, Nic, Jazz, Wes, Alice and Harry. Hold!!!!! From your housemate, Juicy. To my cricket cake: I just wanted to remind you of the look on Michael Clark’s face when Punter was almost run out on 99 and was covered in mud. Thanks for sharing the love. Same wicket time this year? Bat candle. Al-Weet Bix from Karratha: If it has an engine, or balls, you will almost certainly have a problem with it. Sharpen up, tool or we’re both up shit creek. Brooksie To my bestie Laura: Happy New Year, chick! I’m so excited you finally made it to London town to meet me. We’re going to have such a great time and a year packed with travel and adventure. Thelma and Louise ain’t got nothing! Morocco is booked, and Amsterdam locked in – it’s gong to go off! Love you always, Brillo. To the hottie in a black shirt and light denim jeans at Elk Bar on Thursday, December 2: We exchanged many looks, but neither of us followed through, and now I can’t get you out of my head. Ball’s in your court now. Find me, eat me.

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Nick the dolphin trainer: So, you worked in the Navy talking to underwater mammals, then you switched careers to become a dolphin trainer ... that’s the line you fed me anyway – that and the Slip Inn Cider. Now, I’m not sure if you got the job because of your remarkable ability to make the sound of a dolphin with your hand and mouth, or if that was the product of your jobs. Either way, I finally got you to spoon me! I’ve barely looked at another dolphin since. Yours underwater ... and under the sheets, Mad Kiwi Jo. Morse code mountain goat: Thanks for showing me the New Year’s Eve of my life; the explosions, the fireworks, and lots of drinking games – and that was just in my knickers. Wet Ones, dry ones, wax ons, wax offs, went downs and shimmy shimmy shakes and slurring. Epic, Epic Epic, Comanchero. Sad you’re gone now, but the memories live large. Love you long time, daffodil. From Simmo sumo wrestler. To the Aussie girl wearing the tartan flat cap at the Mark Ronson stage at Hogmanay in Edinburgh: We danced for a couple of hours at the front of the stage, and stayed right to the bitter end, getting soaked by the downpour. It was at that point I flashed you the bagpipe I had stashed under my kilt. You didn’t run – good sign – but I lost you in the crowd as we left. I’d love to see you again. You said you lived in London, and you were travelling on the PP Travel tour. Make my new

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