TNT Magazine / Issue 1482

e.com 82 tntmagazin

2012 Issue 14 January 23-29

CAPITAL OF APRÈS SKI Non-stop partying on the slopes of Ischgl

SOD THE JAN BLUES Laugh ’em away at a comedy night

ARE YOU A VIRGIN?

WIN!

TICKETS TO ‘THE GREAT ES ILLUSION SH T OW ON EARTH’

And other weird interview questions

?

Y N N U F DEAD

the Living f o l a iv t s e F – inside the s n fi f o c l a ic ls and com a r e n u f y c n a F

+ 48 HOURS IN MADRID LATE DEALS

GO WILD IN TIBET TOP 5 ROMANTIC BREAKS

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CAROL DRIVER EDITOR carol.driver@tntmagazine.com

EDITOR’S LETTER By the fourth week of January, regarded as the most depressing of the year, god knows we could all do with a good laugh. Flick to P8 to find out the best comedy events taking place in London, and get those serotonin levels up. And If you’ve never considered death a cheery subject, think again. We spotlight the festival (P24) looking at the lighter side of popping your clogs. If that all sounds too much, pack your skis and head of to Ischgl, for powder and parties – we did (P68). Enjoy!

THIS WEEK LONDONDIARY

4-5

LONDONNEWS

6

MY LONDON DRINK & EATS

14-15

@TNT

16

SPOTTED

17

LONDON SOUND

18-19

LISTINGS CLUB & GIGS

20, 23

LONDON FOCUS

24

COMPETITION

28

CHATROOM GRANT NICHOLAS

29

LONDON SCENE SPARE TIME

8

30-31 32

LIFESTYLE

33-41

SHOPPING

33

HEALTH & BEAUTY

35-35

CAREERS

36-37

LIVING

39

NEWS & SPORT

45-53

TRAVEL

55-78

FEATURES HAVING A LAFF

DEAD GOOD

IF YOU WERE AN ANIMAL … 36

NEWS

57

LATE DEALS

60

INVASION DAY

64

Does Australia Day ignore indiginous suffering? And should it do more?

66-67

How to deal with the world’s weirdest interview questions

46

UK TRIP

58

STAYING COOL

HOTSHOTS

63

Austria’s Ischgl is the perfect place to party, when you’re not carving the slopes

48 HOURS IN... MADRID

72-73

CLASSIFIEDS

105

DESPERATELY SEEKING

114

68

24

Does society’s attitude to death need updating? A new festival thinks so

56

TIPS & STUFF

8

No need to be miserable in January – TNT previews the best giggles in town

DIARY

TOP FIVE Photos: Patrick Wymore, Getty. Cover: Thinkstock

12

INTO THE WILD

68

76

Adventure beckons as you get off the beaten track in south-east Tibet

76 TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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EDITORIAL Editor Carol Driver Sub editor Jahn Vannisselroy Content editors: Acting Travel Laura Chubb Entertainment Alasdair Morton News & sport Tom Sturrock Web Frankie Mullin Staff writer Clare Vooght Staff writer/editorial assistant Rebecca Kent

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Don’t be dragon your heels: get down to Chinese New Year

DESIGN AND PRODUCTION Head of design and production Jon Cooke Graphic design manager Justine Mackay Acting picture researcher Ruth Board DIGITAL & IT Head of digital marketing and development Syed Ahmad Social Media Coordinator Dan Thorne IT manager Stephen Dann SALES Commercial director David Alstin Sales manager Jaqui Ward Classified Ad Manager Matt Syder Sales executives Tyler Harrison | Eddie Clinton | Donovan Smith | Michael Fair Sales administrator Abby Nightingale MARKETING & EVENTS Marketing and events assistant Phoebe Cherrill ACCOUNTS Margaret Roberts | Suzanne Welsh TNT MULTIMEDIA LTD CEO Kevin Ellis Chairman Ken Hurst

Shhh... SECRET LONDON CHINESE NEW YEAR

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This weekend, the stretch of London between Chinatown and Shaftesbury Avenue will be given over to ringing in the Year of the Dragon, a riotously colourful parade snaking its way through the capital’s West End. Boris Johnson will be on hand to have his photograph taken and maybe wolf down a bowl of Szechuan chicken before the festivities, which will feature live music, dancing, Chinese dragons, lions and acrobatics. Seriously? There are going to be lions? Can that be true? Only one way to find out.

FREE

Charing Cross

londonchinatown.org

WORDS WORDS WORDS

GLASGOW COMEDY LAUNCH

CABARET VOLTAIRE

This seven-week festival celebrates all things literary, headquartered at a pop-up library at Selfridges in central London. You can find yourself a comfy seat to leaf through some of the 15,000 books on site, take advantage of the listening posts or attend the series of events and lectures scheduled to keep you busy.

You might not be able to get up to Glasgow for its bumper comedy festival but heading down to Leicester Square for this sampler event is the next best thing. Stewart Lee is probably the best-known of the headline acts, although there are a stack of other stand-ups testing out material sure to give you a tickle.

It’s the last hurrah for a cabaret act that has become a real favourite in London’s quirkiest corners. Slavic femme fatale Bernadette Byrne is an offbeat star of the show, her borderline banter and strangely emotive Right Said Fred covers making this show a truly unique entry in London’s cabaret calendar.

Until February 29 Selfridges, 400 Oxford St, W1A 1AB selfridges.com Bond Street

January 25 Leicester Square Theatre, WC2H 7BX leicestersquaretheatre.com Leicester Square

January 25 CellarDoor, Zero Aldwych, WC2E 7DN cellardoor.biz Covent Garden

FREE

£12

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Celebrate the fast pace of London

HT TILL MIDNIG FRI 27TH 7PM

FREE ENTRY

DJS SPINNING TRIPLE J HOTTEST100 TUNES

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FREE TICKETS TO AFTERPARTY AT MINISTRY OF SOUND IF YOU ARRIVE AT GIGALUM BY 9PM

MENTION TNT FOR A FREE SHOT BEFORE 9PM 7-8 CAVENDISH PARADE CLAPHAM COMMON SOUTHSIDE SW4 9DW

SENSE THE CITY PHOTOGRAPHY London Transport Museum

This exciting photographic exhibition showcases 50 pictures that capture the pace of London – its hustle and bustle, the fact it never stands still. It’s always interesting to see unusual shots of the city, even if it leaves your amateur photography in the shade, and the theme promises to shed new light on the restless energy that makes the capital such an appealing, engaging place to live. £13

Until March 18 Covent Garden Piazza, WC2E 7BB

ltmuseum.co.uk

Covent Garden

SCOTT’S LAST EXPEDITION

RADICAL DRAWING

Antarctic explorer Robert Falcon Scott was revered as one of Britain’s most mythic heroes in the early years of the 20th century and, in the time since, his doomed expedition to reach the South Pole has attained heightened infamy.

This exhibition retraces Scott’s steps and the circumstances of his expedition’s deathly failure.

If you fancy yourself as a budding artist but struggle to find the time to force yourself to sit down and work, then this offbeat exhibition could be the inspiration you need. You won’t find any pictures of flowers in vases here – it veers instead toward more challenging fare: fantastic works of imagination and messed-up dream sequences.

Until September 2 Natural History Museum, Cromwell Rd, SW7 5BD nhm.ac.uk South Kensington

Until January 28 Purdy Hicks, 65 Hopton St, SE1 9GZ purdyhicks.com Southwark

£9

FREE O T Y R T N E ON FRIDAYS COURTESY OF

FREE

Simply get yourself to The Gigalum Bar by Clapham South tube station before 9pm Fridays. ● Just turn by 9pm and get your name down at the bar to reserve your ticket ● You’ll be given your free Ministry of Sound tickets at 11:30pm ● Discounted taxis will then be waiting to take you from Gigalum or the tube ride is only 20 minutes door-to-door ● Tickets valid until 12:30am at Ministry that night Offer limited to the first 100 people per night. Pre-booking optional

A WHY NOT BOOK A TABLE OR AN ARE US MENU? AT GIGALUM AND SAMPLE THE DELICIO

WWW.GIGALUM.COM 0208 772 0303

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Action stations: a Lynx helicopter flies above craft on the Thames

ANTIPODEAN INPUT FOR QUEEN’S JUBILEE Aussies in beachwear and Kiwis in canoes will join a flotilla of more than 1000 vessels on London’s River Thames for the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee Pageant.

Details of the June celebrations to mark the monarch’s 60 years on the throne were revealed last week. “We have surfing boats from each of the Australian states with participants dressed for surfing,” pageant master Adrian Evans said.

As part of the Diamond Jubilee, Prince Charles and his wife Camilla will visit Australia and New Zealand later this year.

I realise you may be disappointed by this decision, but you were in competition with many fantastic universities Student Elly Nowell, 19, from Hampshire lets Oxford University down gently

BORIS AND KEN’S SPAT ABOUT ‘LAZY YOUTHS’ Ken Livingstone has jumped to the defence of London youths after they were branded too “lazy” to find work

by Boris Johnson.

The Labour mayoral candidate said Johnson’s comments proved he was out of touch with jobseekers in the capital.

However, the London mayor said he was delivering a tough message to encourage youths to find work.

ON THE TUBE

Operation Olympics 2012

Met and Royal Marines rule the waves for Thames security exercise It was like a scene out of James Bond: Helicopters flying overhead, Met and Royal Marines boats speeding along the Thames. The elite of the military special forces and police joined up on Thursday for a security exercise in preparation for the 2012 Games.

Codenamed Operation Woolwich Arsenal Pier, the event involved marines and officers from Scotland Yard taking command of the Thames, commandeering passenger vessels.

The combined forces used a threatening Lynx helicopter, heavily armed RIB speed boats and other speedy watercraft in a show of strength to prove readiness in the event of a terrorist attack. Fifty police

officers worked alongside about 100 marines in the military practise to ensure they would be prepared in the event of any river-based violence.

The participants practiced boardingat-sea techniques on one of the river’s commercial Clipper boats.

Olympics security coordinator Chris Allison said: “There’s no specific threat, but we would be failing in our duty if we didn’t consider it.”

The Thames will be used to transport tourists between venues via water buses and a new cable car. Typhoon jets and HMS Ocean, the largest ship in the Royal Navy’s fleet, will be deployed, along with up to 13,500 military personnel.

THIS WEEK IN LONDON...

Christ only knows

THIS WEEKEND’S CLOSURES

BAKERLOO: No service between Stonebridge Park and Harrow & Wealdstone on Sunday. Replacement buses operate.

DISTRICT: No weekend service between Earl’s Court, Ealing Broadway and Richmond. Replacement buses operate.

London Overground operates between Gunnersbury and Richmond. Piccadilly line trains call at Turnham Green.

WATERLOO & CITY: No Sunday service.

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Photos: Getty

PICCADILLY: No service between Acton Town and Uxbridge all weekend.

Replacement buses operate.

The Occupy London protesters have until 4pm on January 27 to pack up their tents and abandon the site outside St Paul’s Cathedral.

The deadline was set after the City of London Corporation won its High Court case against the capitalist campaigners.

The protesters’ lawyers argued that the case raised an issue of “extreme public importance” and said the courts had a duty to uphold freedom of expression. However, the judge refused permission to appeal, although the Occupyers can renew their applications directly to the Court of Appeal.

Whether the campaigners, who have been camped outside the cathedral since October and have vowed to continue their fight, will go remains to be seen.

International mobile calls from 10p a minute And unlimited UK calls and texts to anyone on ø when you top up £15 a month

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Jason Segel with co-stars Kermit and Miss Piggy

Laugh it up!

Cold, broke and miserable, missing the holidays already?

Forget about it, with the help of these top comedy events WORDS ALASDAIR MORTON & CLARE VOOGHT

It’s the most depressing week of the year, but fear not: there is help at hand to beat those January blues in the belly-laughing shape of the London Comedy Film Festival, a hymn to cinematic laughs and giggles. So why decide to hold a funny film festival in the week when we’re all going to be – according to ‘the experts’ – as miserable as sin?

“This is when people need it!” festival founder and director Denise Hicks explains. “Everyone’s on diets, hating the gym and short of money.

LoCo is calorie-free, it’s really good value and laughing raises your serotonin levels without going to the gym. We’re public servants, really.”

Featuring everyone from Simon Pegg and Kermit to Charlie Chaplin, this fest has laughs for all. There’s a screening of Jason Segel’s The Muppets, which reinvents the green one, Piggy, Fozzie and co for a new generation, and French comedy The Fairy too.

Brit-flick champ Edgar Wright (Spaced, Shaun Of The Dead, Hot Fuzz) is to be honoured as the fest’s first LoCo Hero.

Wright will be on hand for a screening of his zom-rom-com hit and Q&A too, 8

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

as well as presenting a screening of Mike Leigh’s Life Is Sweet.

“Both Saturday and Sunday have London double bills,” Hicks says of the festival’s giggle-ridden programme, “including a special 50th-anniversary screening of the classic British comedy Go To Blazes, starring Maggie Smith and Robert Morley; and a world premiere script-reading of The Day Off, a long-lost Tony Hancock film.”

Comedy films, however popular with audiences, seem to be neglected by the powers that be when it comes to awards, and LoCo aims to address this.

“Comedy is hugely popular: The Inbetweeners was the third biggest movie of last year in the UK and the most successful British comedy ever,” Hicks says. ”But comedies don’t often get nominated for the major movie prizes; only four have ever won a Best Picture Oscar, and most of the greats, like Bill Murray, Peter Sellers and even Charlie Chaplin have never won an Oscar for a comedy role. So we’re here to raise people’s respect for comedy.”

Black Pond is the winner of this year’s inaugral LoCo Discovery award (and will be screened on Sat, Jan 28,

8.30pm), and the film’s directors Tom Kingsley and Will Sharpe share these feelings towards the oversight of comedy film in awards circles.

“Film festivals don’t always treat comedy films as kindly as they do straightforward dramas, so it’s great there’s now a film festival that recognises the importance of comedy to the exclusion of everything else,” Sharpe says. “Perhaps it’s because they think funny films can’t convey serious ideas. It could just be a way of pretending to be highbrow. We won’t know for sure until we get to sit in at the Oscar judging meeting.”

There will be a special LoCo School of Slapstick teaching the art of silent comedy films, too. “If you enjoyed The Artist, you’ll love the real thing,” Hicks enthuses.

With this much going on it’ll be impossible to remember why we’re supposed to be so depressed in the first place. ❚ MORE TOP COMEDY IN LONDON ›› The London Comedy Film Festival. Jan 26-29.

BFI Southbank, SE1 8XT locofilmfestival.com Waterloo

LoCo hero: Edgar Wright is on hand for an audience Q&A

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January blues: laugh them away in the cinema

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DECAPITATED PUPPY COMEDY NIGHT ST GILES

SIMON AMSTELL: WORK IN PROGRESS CAMDEN

Dark comedy at rock ‘n’ roll haven The Intrepid Fox, with the controversial Sanderson Jones and New Zealand’s Benjamin Crellin.

The supremely sarcastic ex-Never Mind The Buzzcocks presenter (below) is honing new material at The Invisible Dot for his tour – be among the first to hear it.

£5

£6

Wed, Feb 8. 9pm The Intrepid Fox, 15 St Giles High St, WC2H 8LN myspace.com/intrepidfox Tottenham Court Road

Jan 23-26, Feb 7-9. 7pm 099F Camden Stables Market, Chalk Farm Road, NW1 8AH theinvisibledot.com Camden Town

BETAMAX: THE BETA MALES & MAX AND IVAN KING’S CROSS These two sell-out Edinburgh Fringe shows will have you chortling into your pints. One, featuring the hilarious Beta Males, is based in the world of cops, trains, gentlemen and thieves (plus a former Secretary of State for Transport, who has fallen from grace). In the other comedy thriller, Max and Ivan are a prohibition-era Holmes and Watson in Chicago’s dark underworld. £12.50

Thurs, March 8. 8pm King’s Place, 90 York Way, N1 9AG thebetamales.com; maxandivan.com King’s Cross

THE PAJAMA MEN: IN THE MIDDLE OF NO ONE CHARING CROSS

BILL BAILEY: WORK IN PROGRESS LEICESTER SQUARE A chance to preview stand- up from the Black Books and Never Mind The Buzzcocks legend’s upcoming tour. Bailey’s always a treat.

COMCOMEDY LIVE: THE LOVE PICK N MIX PARTY HOXTON

£36

Since going down rather well with critics, this duo (above) from New Mexico are making their West End debut – in their pajamas. The stand-up and sketch show is fastpaced and uses few props, leading to some sidesplitting mime scenes. They were winners of numerous accolades, including the Barry Award at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival and Best Newcomer and Best of the Fest at the Sydney Comedy Festival (all in 2009) – if you don’t make time for much comedy this winter, make time for this. £21.50

Until March 3. 7.30pm Mon-Sat, 5.30pm Fri & Sat Charing Cross Theatre, The Arches, Villiers Street, Wc2N 6NL charingcrosstheatre.co.uk Charing Cross

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Jan 23, Feb 7 & 13. 10pm Leicester Square Theatre, 6 Leicester Place, WC2H 7BX leicestersquaretheatre.com Leicester Square

JACK WHITEHALL HAMMERSMITH The posh boy from Fresh Meat, and British Comedy Award nominee, Jack Whitehall lays down his life lessons on making mistakes. £16

March 9-10. 6.30pm Hammersmith Apollo, 45 Queen Caroline Street, W6 9QH venues.meanfiddler.com/apollo Hammersmith

A Valentine’s Day special of comedy including funny MC Joel Dommett, Guardian oneto-watch Daniel Simonsen and the unashamed Cariad Lloyd. There’ll also be sweets, which definitely isn’t a bribe. £5

THE TOPP TWINS: UNTOUCHABLE GIRLS ISLINGTON

Not a run-of-themill stand-up night – these comedians compete.

The original New Zealand musical comic duo are back in the UK for the first time in years, with their new show, Untouchable Girls. The twinsister cultural institution –made up of Jools and Lynda Topp – serve up their brand of country-influenced tunes, genius characters and, possibly, some yodelling.

The show tells the at-timesunbelievable story of the ladies’ entertainment history and political activism since they began performing in the early 1980s, and how they helped change New Zealand’s social values.

Tues, Feb 14. 8pm The Comedy Store, 1a Oxendon Street, SW1Y 4EE thecomedystore.co.uk Piccadilly

Fri, Feb 17. 7pm Union Chapel, Compton Terrace, N1 2UN unionchapel.org.uk Highbury & Islington

Wed, Feb 8. 7.30pm The Queen of Hoxton, 1-5 Curtain Road, EC2A 3JX queenofhoxton.com Shoreditch High Street

CUTTING EDGE WEST END £14

£25

CHRIS BOYD: LAUGH A MINUTE CAMDEN

SOHO COMEDY CLUB LEICESTER SQUARE Opinionated Yank Scott Capurro heads the bill, with support from Markus Birdman (see P24), at this comedy night in the heart of the West End. £10

The aim here, as the name suggests, is for each act to deliver a laugh at least every 60 seconds. Harder than it sounds – and it doesn’t sound that easy in the first place.

FREE

Fri, Jan 27. 8pm Casino at the Empire, WC2H 7NA sohocomedyclub.com Leicester Square

Thurs, Jan 26. 8pm 100 Camden High Street, NW1 0LU camdenhead.com Camden Town

STEWART LEE: CARPET REMNANT WORLD LEICESTER SQUARE

FRANK SKINNER & FRIENDS LEICESTER SQUARE The friends here include magicians, musicians (opera!) alongside the stand-ups, as Skinner makes a most welcome stage return. £15+

Lee has often been referred to as ‘the comedian’s comedian’ but this does him a disservice. His intelligent, provocative work makes him one of the finest and most challenging stand-ups currently working, case closed. This residency purports to be about nothing, but has Lee take aim at comedy itself, and even fellow stands-ups are not spared the ire of this comedy great. £15+

Jan 23-Feb 10. 7.30pm Leicester Square Theatre, 6 Leicester Square, WC2H 7BX leicestersquaretheatre.com Leicester Square

JACKIE MASON CHARING CROSS

BUSH HALL PRESENTS...

SHEPHERD’S BUSH

THE UP HILL GARDENERS NOTTING HILL

Oddball Milton Jones (left) is on hand to serve up his trademark scattershot surrealism and one-liner wizardry, with support and MC duties handled by irishman Andrew Maxwell.

Father Ted’s Dougal, in other words the real-life Ardal O’Hanlon, performs a rare club gig as he toplines this west London fortnightly comedy fest.

£16.50

US comedy giant Jackie Mason returns for his very last UK tour. “Four generations of rabbis and 30 years of comedy” have made him the man he is today (in his own words), and that man is a very funny one indeed.

With more than 50 years in the business, he’s the sort of performer it’s hard to find these days: a skilled storyteller and jokesmith.

These shows will also feature a daily rundown of Mason’s views on the US 2012 presidential race, notable for its pompous grandstanding and overzealous theatricality – sure to be worth the admission fee alone.

Photos: Laurent Thurin Nal, Andrew MacPherson, MJ Kim

£25+

Feb 13-Mar 17. 8pm Wyndham’s Theatre, Charing Cross Road, WC2H 0DA delfontmackintosh.co.uk Leicester Square

Fri, Jan 27. 7.30pm 310 Uxbridge Road, W12 7JL bushhallpresents.co.uk Shepherd’s Bush

JACK DEE: WORK IN PROGRESS SOHO

£15

Sat, Jan 28. 7.30pm The Garden Bar, W10 6SZ comedyknights.co.uk Notting Hill Gate

LYRIC COMEDY CLUB HAMMERSMITH £15+

The man with a face like a slapped arse on downers, merchant of doom Jack Dee roadtests new material – which will probably be laced with lashings of grumbly wit – ahead of a new UK tour.

After deconstructing religion in 2010’s Christ On A Bike (pulling apart the Bible’s claims and challenging the logic of the Ten Commandments), Richard Herring (right) comperes this night of laffs, which features former Never Mind The Buzzcocks team captain Sean Hughes.

Feb 7-11. 9.45pm Soho Theatre, W1D 3NE soho theatre.com Oxford Circus

Sun, Jan 29. 8pm Lyric Theatre, W6 0QL lyric.co.uk Hammersmith

£12.50

Jan 23-Feb 4 Noel Coward Theatre, St Martin’s Lane, WC2N 4AU Leicester Square

SET LIST SOHO Comedy pros test their mettle with this Who’s Line Is It Anywaystyle improv night, in which the audience part-write the topics that the acts have to conjure a routine from (while the set list is projected on a screen behind the stage). This evening’s stand-ups include US-born, UK-based Rich Hall; and popular Australian export Brendan Burns. £15

Sat, Jan 28. 11.30pm Soho Theatre, 21 Dean Street, W1D 3NE sohotheatre.com Oxford Circus

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

11

MYLONDON

aUsSie dAY fEaTurInG aUsSie djS dRiNks dEalS jUmBucKS pIes fReE sAuSagE sIzZle bEtwEeN mIdDay anD 5Pm* rOoF tOp teRrAce eXcItiNG gIvEawAyS * WhiLsT sToCks laSt

CLARE BUCKFIELD ACTRESS What baffles me about London is Greenwich Mean Time. How did it come about? Guess I need to go to Greenwich and find out!

London’s best-kept secret has to be Charing Cross Theatre, which is in The Arches. It’s a great little venue that puts on quirky productions. The bar after the show has a great ambience, as you are normally joined by casts from other West End productions, so, for me, it’s a great place to see old friends.

When I want to chill out I head to Green Park – it’s the best of all of the parks in London – you can always find a nice spot to read your book.

The most interesting person I’ve met is an Australian rower. It was while the last Olympics was on. He hadn’t made the squad, but explained how hard they trained and we watched the big race on the big screen in town.

tHuRsdAY 26tH jAnUarY

tHE bIG cHilL hOusE

257-259 pEnTonViLle rOaD kINg’S cRoSs, N1 9nl 020 7427 2540

wWw.bIgcHiLl.nEt/hOusE

Need to send money between UK and home?

My favourite place for a drink is Gilgamesh in Camden. Danny P is the resident DJ on a Saturday night, and his tunes coupled with one of Gilgamesh’s infamous mojitos is the recipe for a great night out.

For when you’re hungover in London find a Giraffe cafe, there’s a fab one in Soho, but the best one is on Embankment. I have a Sunrise smoothie with a veggie breakfast. Yum! My perfect weekend would involve going to Covent Garden to watch the street theatre and wander the market stalls. Then heading around the corner to Browns for a bite to eat – their sticky toffee pudding is to die for! Finally, I’d finish up in the Comedy Store, check out who’s headlining on their website, meet with friends and have a laugh. Good times!

asons Good re tforex: n to use t

tes Great ra fees en bank No hidd ns ansactio s Faster tr e system use onlin pliant Easy to lly com fu d an cure e Safe, se er servic om st led cu Unrival

The last naughty thing I did was smoke a Sambucca shot! I have no idea how this works or how my friend did it, but it had the desired effect as I can’t remember the journey home.

My new year’s resolution ... was to quit smoking. I have only cheated with two so far (and the Sambucca shot!) ... not bad, I reckon.

Five words that sum up London: Buzzing, noisy, historical, entertaining, fab.

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r Cheapee than th banks*

The easy way to move your money

0870-898 8996 *Source: 1st Contact survey of UK high street bank charges, April 2008.

Starring in A Bowlful Of Cherries at Charing Cross Theatre in March. charingcrosstheatre.co.uk 12

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Coffee at its rudest

COFFEE SHOP THE SCENE ‘Flick your coffee bean’, ‘More coffee, more sex’, ‘The perfect cup size’, reads a cheeky cinema sign that has transformed the once-drab Old Street roundabout. The sign, and the coffee shop which lies behind, are the brainchild of Aussie singer/ DJ Kaz James (of BodyRockers fame) and his business partner, David Abrahamovitch. Inside, the bar is industrial and hip with metal stools around 180 degree windows, exposed brick and a metal staircase leading to an upstairs recording studio. An outside courtyard and alcohol licence are in the pipeline.

THE GRUB Pastries, sandwiches and cakes. But you’re here for the black stuff.

BEHIND THE BAR The venue’s coffee roaster is top secret, I’m told, but the blend is created exclusively for Shoreditch Grind. Only five of the 13 (mostly Aussie) baristas are allowed near the coffee machine, so seriously is it taken. According to Abrahamovitch, the baristas are as important as the beans, and he claims his crew could brew up a decent coffee, even in the wastelands of Starbucks. For his part, James identifies with the expat Aussies who bemoan London’s lack of decent coffee bars. “I grew up in Melbourne, a city where coffee is king,” he says. “I have a lot of respect for great coffee.”

BILL PLEASE An espresso or Americano is £1.95, a regular cappuccino or latte £2.45.

VERDICT Look no further for your perfect flat white. FRANKIE MULLIN

213 Old Street, EC1V 9NR

shoreditchgrind.com

3 OF THE BEST CHINESE FOOD CLASSES

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Old St

PING PONG’S DIM SUM SESSIONS

THE SCHOOL OF WOK: QUICK FIRE

To celebrate Chinese New Year, Ping Pong is offering free half-hour dim sum classes (you can try what you make) across London during the last week of January.

You’ll soon be a pro.

In an hour, prepare two dishes that you’ll take home after (like black bean chicken, singapore noodles).

Sessions are £55 – about the price of two takeaways, but a hell of a lot nicer.

pingpongdimsum.com

schoolofwok.co.uk

DECADENT DIM SUM AT URBAN KITCHEN Indulge in a longer, more thorough, dim sum session here. On January 26, learn to make fluffy pork buns, sui mai (steamed dumplings) and spring rolls for £47. theurbankitchen.co.uk

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BITE SIZE

Aussie fare from Fulham

FREE CUPCAKES Hummingbird bakery, the original venue for sweet tooths, is taking its tempting cupcakes to Islington. The doors of the new bakery will open in Angel at 11am on January 27.

The first 1000 visitors will get a free fluffy, generously iced cupcake. hummingbirdbakery.com

INDIAN BEER TOWERS Fed up with January detoxing? Blow out in style at Carom in Soho, where for the rest of the month you can gorge on a sharing platter and an eight-pint beer tower (complete with chilling ice column, made famous by the celebrated Leopold’s Cafe in Mumbai) for just £12.50pp. meza-soho.co.uk

CHINESE NEW YEAR If food’s the one thing on your mind for the Year of the Dragon, listen up.

For Michelin-star dining, there’s Soho’s Yauatcha, named by consumers on Qype.co.uk as the UK’s best Chinese eat. Head to Lotus Chinese floating restaurant for a CNY feast or, if you like things different, try the Mango Tree’s Chinese-influenced Thai menu. yauatcha.com; lotusfloating.co.uk; mangotree.org.uk

Photos: Barossa; Getty; Benjamin Backhouse

AUSTRALIA DAY ANTICS Get your beer fix, along with a Jumbuck’s pie, at The Big Chill House in King’s Cross on Thursday, soundtracked by Aussie hits from every genre. Free entry. Or hit any Belushi’s for the Australia Day Weekender from January 26-29, with competitions, films, beach games and top food and drink. (Aussie Works Burger, anyone?)

BAROSSA AUSTRALIAN CAFE THE SCENE Tucked just out of sight from Parsons Green, this little Aussie cafe is a chilled-out spot for breakfast or lunch on a weekday off, or a lazy all-day brunch at the weekend. The black-and-white walls are covered with modern art – shoes, ladies in hats and fish made from recycled materials such as pens and keys. The comfortable atmosphere attracts all ages in search of a quiet coffee and a catchup. Look out for Aussie events here, too.

THE GRUB The dishes are simple Aussie and English favourites – from Cumberland sausage and mash to corn fritters. The marinated kangaroo skewers are rare and gamey, softened with a mountain of aubergine pieces, then dashed with a spicy hit of chilli and brought back to earth with a mint salad and a cooling yoghurt dressing. My friend samples the corn fritters with smoked bacon and hash browns, accompanied by smashed avocado, tomato and chilli jam – a satisfying brunchtime hit. Almost full, thanks to the hearty portions, we share one slice of the ultragooey carrot cake. This is lucky, as it came out doorstop-sized and slathered in sticky, sugary icing.

A selection of wines – half Australian, half European – are available, plus some Aussie and Kiwi beers like James Boags, Montieths and Little Creatures But as Barossa is only open during the day, the focus is on tea and coffee – flat whites are an obvious choice but the fresh mint teas are also tasty and warming.

BILL PLEASE Mains from £8; salads from £7; sandwiches from £6; brunch or breakfast from £3; a glass of wine from £6; and coffee from £2.50.

VERDICT A good local cafe for refuelling at lunchtime or a cosy haven for whiling away the weekend with the Sunday papers. The food is also nice and cheap compared to its neighbours and the atmosphere is friendly and relaxed. But just one word to the wise: come to Barossa with a healthy appetite, or you will lose.

BEHIND THE BAR

CLARE VOOGHT

bigchill.net; belushis.com 277 New King’s Road, SW6 4RD

thebarossa.co.uk

Parsons Green

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@TNT GET IT OFF YOUR TEXT

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Whenever I hear Dizzee Rascal, I put a nappy on, & climb into a pram. Some people think I’m bonkers, but I just think I’m three.

Victoria “So, how’s life going in North Korea?”

“Well, I can’t complain.”

Free North Korea One of the saddest moments in my life was definitely the day that I was left at the altar...

Worst baptism ever.

Chrysalid Toby, good luck back in New Zealand. WE’ll all miss you mate!

Sue and The Gang Under SOPA, you could get 5 years for uploading a Michael Jackson song.

One year more than the doctor who killed him.

Pirate Pete Let’s face it: Having Alzheimers is not a memorable experience.

Severos My Best mate does my head in the way he’s always making puns about exotic birds. Well, Toucan play that game!

Henry If you ask me, people who harm children should be strangled at birth.

Carly Hear the news? fernando Torres has joined twitter. He really meant to join facebook but he missed.

Fulham FC For Life

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WELL, STRIKE ME

OCCUPY OUT!

Re: The doctors’ proposed strike (tntmagazine.com): if I told my boss I was going to strike over my pension he would show me the door and then lock it behind me.

Is it becoming the norm for people to strike if they do not get what they want?

Hmm, maybe I should become a Tube driver…

Ian Thomson, via Facebook

The Occupy protesters have a right to protest but they erected 200 tents and turned the area into a wasteland shanty town that has forgotten why it is there in the first place.

Essentially, this was a copycat protest stolen from the US, the very country vilified by these protesters as being an evil nation.

Clint Heine, via Facebook

PUCKER UP I really enjoyed Chris Richardson’s perspective on London (My London, TNT 1481). As a South African living in London for the past 10 years, I can identify with what he says – especially about living on the ‘other side’ of the world. In SA, the manner of greeting is that most people kiss on the lips. But, here, I have learned the cheek/ cheek method of greeting.

Now my family think I am being posh when I insist in the cheek/cheek kiss!

Cindy Eve, via Facebook

NOT BEER’S FAULT Re: Your story about Aussie drinking habits (TNT 1481): some certainly know how to let their hair down, mostly to the detriment of their fellow Aussies. But they are young and only doing what Brits do in other parts of the world when they let their hair down. I think the ‘boozing Aussie’ is an unfair stereotype. It’s simply youth culture.

Sharon Taylor, via Facebook INVASION DAY /46 TIBET /74

LETTER OF THE WEEK Australia Day needs to be seriously rebranded, so that it pays more of a homage to Indigenous Australians. It’s pretty token at the moment.

I like seeing ‘sorry’ skywritten across Sydney on Australia Day – that kind of stuff is powerful, and necessary. I also think there’s a real divide between those who believe that Australia Day is a bogan holiday, and those who don’t (I am of the former group).

Christian Taylor, via Facebook • See news feature, P46 Christian wins a three-day tour of Ireland with Shamrocker shamrockeradventures.com

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Laura Gee: I’ve been in London for a year and a half. I wouldn’t say Brits have no work ethic but the customer service is appalling in this country!

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I may have invented a new pickme-up! Grey Bull, anyone?

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GIGALUM Clapham Sunday, January 15 Photos by: Miguel De Melo / TNT Images

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LONDONSOUND

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Frontman Jordan (centre) missed the ‘strike a pose’ memo

ALASDAIR MORTON FOR THE RECORD Hip hop has never had the most respect for women. Scantily clad sex-bods cavorting facelessly in videos, an accompaniment as material as the bling hanging round rappers’ necks – that’s pretty much been the accepted stance.

One of hip hop’s biggest stars, though, was reported to have seen the light.

Reports circulated that Jay-Z had decided, after the birth of daughter Blue Ivy Carter, to no longer to use the word ‘bitch’. “Before I got in the game, made a change, and got rich/I didn’t think hard about using the word bitch” a poem attributed to the rap star said. Jay-Z’s ‘people’ have denied this comes from the man himself. Either way, whether it’s true or not, this ‘leaked poem’ highlights the fact that hip hop artists – including the man who famously said he had “99 problems” but that “a bitch ain’t one” – still think sexism and misogyny are acceptable. Hip hop, one way or another, still has a long, long way to go.

HOWLER XOYO THURS, JAN 26 | DOORS AT 9.30PM | £10

You’d have to have been stuck on the moon with your head underground, and suffering from a particularly bad case of tinnitus, with headphones on, and earplugs, too, for that matter, not to have heard of this Minneapolis lot. Their debut album, America Give Up, is out now, though, and it’s time for the boys to make good on all those column inches and frenzied fanfare, luckily they seem quite up to the task.

America Give Up is the sort of record that pulls in influences from all over the shop, most close to home, most fairly recent, sort of an amalgamation of the previous few years of indie guitar rock – think the The Strokes, The Libertines.

With surf-rock Beach Boys smiles and punk-esque smarts, they’ve got the looks, the attitude, and, in frontman Jordan Gatesmith (he of front-combed, shab-rock chic), an indie-cool icon that won’t do their quest for success any harm.

More than that, though, they have the songs to boot. Lead single Back Of Your Neck has a rousing, carefree charm, and America Give Up is stuffed to the brim, with cuts like Beach Sluts and Too Much Blood oozing gutter-rock appeal.

Last year had them signed to Rough Trade, and tour as support for The Vaccines, and if there’s any band whose career explosion they can look to emulate, then it is the west London four-piece. Gatesmith has proclaimed, though, any gigs over nine songs in length bore him, so don’t expect any mammoth setlist here. But with only a handful of songs to their name they’d find it hard to do so anyways.

32-27 Cowper Street, EC2A 4AP

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xoyo.co.uk

Old Street

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GET CAPE. WEAR CAPE. FLY

NEW BAND

GIG WED, JAN 25. 7PM. £12

After taking 2011 off to tour his folky stuff round these Isles, Sam Duckworth returns to his day job under the the incredibly brilliant moniker Get Cape ... (a mantra for life if ever there was one) for this one-off gig. Three stages, three bands and no gaps. Them be the rules, and damn fine rules we think they are, too.

Photos: Dan Wilton

Cargo 83 Rivington Street, EC2A 3AY cargo-london.com Old Street

DJ KRUSH

LOST AND FOUND

CLUB

CLUB

SAT, JAN 28. 8PM-2AM £14

SAT, JAN 28. 10PM-3AM £8

Celebrating his 20th anniversary in the biz the best way possible – playing a three-hour set to the devoted masses – the influential, inimitable trip-hop and turntablist icon DJ Krush is set to storm the Forum this evening. Support at this history-celebrating show comes from Coldcut, Anchorsong and Kidkanevil.

With a musical knowledge that will impress even the most slavishly dedicated, Keb Darge and Andy Smith delve into the depths to dish up hits and should-have-beens from the Fifties and Sixties – the rules state: vinyl only – for this fun-focused night of blues, northern soul and rockabilly.

The Forum NW5 1JY Kentish Town venues.meanfiddler.com/the-forum.com

Madame JoJo’s 8-10 Brewer Street, Soho, W1F 0SE madamejojos.com Tottenham Court Road

JAMM BENEFIT GIG

SCANDALISM PRESENTS

MICHAEL KIWANUKA

GIG

CLUB

GIG

FRI, 27 & SAT, 28 JAN. 8PM-6AM £10

SAT, JAN 28. 9PM-3AM £12.50

TUES, JAN 25. 7.30PM £15

Basement Jaxx, Stereo MCs, Alabama 3 and Mr Nice himself, Howard Marks (performing two hours of his live show), are but just a handful of the eclectic acts performing at this two-day locally focused fundraiser (all entrance cash goes to supporting the upkeep of a local children’s playground).

Alex Metric, superstar remixer, producer and perennial fave of ‘DJs we like and predict for good things’-type lists, tops the bill at this talented techno, house and disco night.

Support comes from The Magician and Mighty Mouse, as well as live sets from Vision of Trees and Ronika.

One of the less well-known names at the end of last year, when the BBC Sound of 2012 noms were announced, Michael only went and topped the whole bloody thing. Expectations have since soared, but luckily for the North London-bred soul-star-to-be, he’s the real deal. Catch him now, while you still can.

Jamm 261 Brixton Road, SW9 6LH brixtonjamm.org Brixton

XOYO 32-37 Cowper Street, EC2A 4AP xoyo.co.uk Liverpool Street

KOKO 1a Camden High Street, NW1 7JE koko.uk.com Mornington Crescent

GENERAL FIASCO THE BUZZ SO FAR Indie pop-rock that favours catchy-as-hell choruses, the odd guitar solo, and pianobacked percussion, General Fiasco have been on the scene since they formed in 2006 but are finding column-inch success off the back of a positive 2011: they toplined the BBC Introducing stage at the Reading/ Leed fest, and had single The Age You Start Losing Friends named by Huw Stephens as his hottest record of the week, back in November.

THE CRITICS SAY “Indie melodies, powerful drumming and whiney vocals are the band’s trademarks, in a good way. ” Altsounds THE PLUG Boderline Orange Yard, W1D 4JB Tottenham Court Road. venues.meanfiddler.com/borderline Tues, Feb 7. 7pm. £10. New single Don’t You Ever is due out March 5.

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CLUBLISTINGS

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MONDAY 23 Cuban Hideaway DJ Rich plays Latin, house, funk and R‘n’B. The Hideaway, Stanthorpe Rd, SW16 2ED (020 8835 7070). 9.40pm-late. £7.

Uncle Albert X LNUK Bass and heavy beats courtesy of Royal T, Last Japan, Jahhi, AnyGuy & SecondLife and Adam Oppenheimer & Lucas Lafone.

East Village, Great Eastern St, EC2A 3HX (020 7739 5173). 9pm-3am. £5.

BOOK NOW!

Hard Core Salsa DJ Mario plays mambo and salsa, plus dance lessons. Salsa!, Charing Cross Rd, WC2H 0JG (020 7379 3277).

7pm-late. £4, free before 9pm.

Vibe DJs on rotation including Anas, Spider, Prezedent, Ice, Pioneer and DJ L spin hip-hop, R‘n’B, garage, bashment and reggae. Moonlighting, Greek St, W1D 4DR (020 7437 5782/cc 020 7287 3727).

10pm-3am. £7, £5 before midnight, ladies £5, free before 11.30pm.

The Jump Off Resident DJs spin hip-hop, R‘n’B and garage, plus Rap6, Charlie Sloth and Manny Norte perform live.

Fabric, Charterhouse St, EC1M 6HJ (020 7336 8898). 9pm-late. £8.

Popcorn Jonesey, Harvey Adam, Jamie Hammond and Terry T-Rex provide dance, electro, R‘n’B, pop and hip-hop. Heaven, Charing Cross Arches, Villiers St, WC2N 6NG (020 7930 2020). 11pm-5.30am. £8.

Rehab DJs Val, Satoko, Zoe Demonettes, Joe, Saral and Hale supply indie, electro and pop.

The Roxy, Rathbone Place, W1T 1HJ (020 7255 1098). 10pm-3am. £5, NUS/ w/flyer £3, mems £1 before 10.30pm.

Revolution Monday DJ Si Collard plays commercial dance, house, chart and R‘n’B. One, Leicester Sq, WC2H 7NA (020 7437 0453).

10pm-2am. £10, adv £5.

Service Industry Night DJ Colin Russell and Donald Sweeneey spin R‘n’B and chart. Rumba, Shaftesbury Ave, W1D 7EP (020 7287 2715).

9pm-3am. £10, free before 11pm.

TUESDAY 24 Caribbean Renaissance Holiday Special Jb Crew, Lover’s T and Mellow Bostic spin reggae and retro hits. Porky’s Wine Bar, Sternhold Ave, SW2 4PA (020 8671 3424).

10pm-late. £5, free before 11pm.

Forca Brasil DJ Fred spins salsa, samba and Latin tunes, plus live bands. Salsa!, Charing Cross Rd, WC2H 0JG (020 7379 3277).

6pm-2am. £4, free before 9pm.

OMFG! DJs Lady Lloyd, Joshyou Are and Niyi Maximus Crown play pop, disco and electro, with host Queen B Munroe Bergdorf. The Shadow Lounge, Brewer St, W1F 0RF (020 7287 7988).

10pm-3am. £5, free before 11pm.

Once Is Never Enough Resident DJs spin dance anthems, R‘n’B, commercial hits and funky house. One, Leicester Sq, WC2H 7NA (020 7437 0453).

10pm-3am. £11, £5 before 11pm, ladies free before 11.30pm.

Panic Max Panic, Gaz Panic and That Perfect Fumble spin indie, electro and pop. The Roxy, Rathbone Place, W1T 1HJ (020 7255 1098).

10pm-3am. £5, NUS £3.

Short Back And Sides Dubstep, electro and drum ‘n’ bass from the resident DJs. The Nest, Stoke Newington Rd, N16 7XJ (020 7354 9993).

9pm-2am. £5, free before 10.30pm.

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SCANDALISM AND MYLO PRESENT...

Scala. Sat, Feb 25. £12.50 Mylo (above) takes charge of this night – in larger surrounds – with a nudisco flavoured line-up including Lindstrom, Aeroplane and Brodinski.

N1 9NL

scala-london.co.uk

WEDNESDAY 25 Bubble Club Chart and pop.

93 Feet East, Brick Ln, E1 6RU (020 7770 6006). 7.30pm-11pm. £5.

Cheapskates Old school hip-hop, electro and disco courtesy of DJ Downfall. Moonlighting, Greek St, W1D 4DR (020 7437 5782/ cc 020 7287 3727). 9pm-3.30am. £6.50, NUS £5.50, w/flyer £4.50.

Choke Resident DJs play hip-hop, drum ‘n’ bass, electro, indie and grime. The Roxy, Rathbone Place, W1T 1HJ (020 7255 1098).

10pm-3am. £5, NUS £4, guestlist £3.

Dance Nights Princess Karina and DJ Gary Baldi spin dance hits. EC3 Live, Crosswall, EC3N 2JY (020 7488 1766). 11.30pm-3am. £10.

Everything Taboo DJ Andrew Elmore plays retro electro-pop and acid disco.

The Shadow Lounge, Brewer St, W1F 0RF (020 7287 7988).

10pm-3am. £5, free before midnight.

Fat Poppa Daddys Resident DJs spin hip-hop, funk, electro, house, dubstep 1980s hits, indie and reggae. One, Leicester Sq, WC2H 7NA (020 7437 0453). 11pm2am. £5, free before midnight.

Jazz Jam Trumpeter Andy Davies hosts the swing and jazz session. Ronnie Scott’s, Frith St, W1D 4HT (020 7439 0747).

6pm-late. £8, £5 before 11pm.

King’s Cross

THURSDAY 26 The Doctors Orders & Dephect Presents Spin Doctor and Chris P Cuts spin hip-hop, funk and house, with MCs Med & Blu and Piff Gang. Cargo, Rivington St, EC2A 3AY (020 7739 3440). 7pm-11pm. £12.

ESM Burns plays electro and hip-hop. The Nest, Stoke Newington Rd, N16 7XJ (020 7354 9993).

9pm-4am. £5, £3 before 11pm.

Fuel Thursdays DJ Melody Kane spins house, funk, soul and urban beats. One, Leicester Sq, WC2H 7NA (020 7437 0453).

10pm-2am. £10, adv £5.

Game Over DJs Atumpan and Mr Silva spin dubstep, hip-hop, funk, reggae and R‘n’B. Proud 2, Peninsula Sq, SE10 0DX (020 7482 3867).

10pm-6am. £12.50, adv £10.

Latin Krazy DJs spin salsa, merengue, bachata and reggaeton, plus salsa dances lessons. Salsa!, Charing Cross Rd, WC2H 0JG (020 7379 3277).

6pm-2am. £4, free before 9pm.

The Maccabees Official Aftershow An indie DJ set courtesy of the band. Jamm, Brixton Rd, SW9 6LH (020 7346 8920/ cc 020 7274 5537). 7pm-3am. £10.

Old Skool Thursdays Resident DJs supply R‘n’B, dancehall, funky, soca and old skool. Euphoriom, High St, W3 6NG (020 8993 2915).

10pm-late. £5, free before 11pm.

Madd Raff Wednesdays The Heatwave supply bashment and dancehall, plus a dance session with dancehall instructor Safwaan Shoshoni of Pineapple Studios. The Social, Little Portland St, W1W 7JD (020 7636 4992).

7pm-1am. £5, £3 before 10pm.

QueerlyOut DJ Robby D spins commercial dance, pop and R‘n’B. Escape Bar, Brewer St, W1F 0SU (020 7734 3040).

9pm-3am. £5, mems £3.

Metrolatina Resident DJs mix jazzy salsa with Cuban sounds. Salsa!, Charing Cross Rd, WC2H 0JG (020 7379 3277).

6pm-2am. £4, free before 9pm.

Radio The Radio DJs supply 1980s pop, indie and disco.

The Roxy, Rathbone Place, W1T 1HJ (020 7255 1098). 10pm-3am. £5, NUS/w/flyer £3, free before 10pm.

N*A*S*I*N SoniX, Brahim and Punk Gareth play punk, rock, metal and ska. The Borderline, Orange Yard, Manette St, W1D 4JB (0870 060 3777/ cc 0871 231 0842). 11pm-3am. £5, w/flyer £4, NUS £3, mems £2.

Roller Disco Funk and disco for a wheeled audience. Renaissance Rooms, opposite Arch 8, Arches, Miles St, SW8 1RZ (0844 736 5375).

8pm-midnight. £10 inc skates, £7.50 own skates, NUS £6 inc skates.

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Bump CJ Beatz, Rugrat, CWD and Motive supply hip-hop, funky and dubstep. Plan B, Brixton Rd, SW9 7AY (020 7737 7372). 9pm-4am. £8, £5 before midnight, free before 10pm.

Club NME Resident DJs spin rock, indie, electro and hip-hop, plus T Mills performs live. Koko, Camden High St, NW1 7JE (0870 432 5527).

9.30pm-late. £5, NUS £4 before midnight, NUS £2 before 10.30pm.

Double Trouble Vision Martyn, Kyle Hall, Dark Sky, The Nextmen, The Heatwave, Mr Solid Gold, Oli DAB & Robin, Arsequake and Hylu & Jago spin electro, dub, jungle and house across two rooms.

Corsica Studios, Elephant Rd, SE17 1LB (020 7703 4760). 10pm-6am. £12.

Fabriclive DJ Hype, Goldie, Pascal, Hazard, Sigma, Sub Zero, Crystal Clear, IC3, Skibadee, Fats, Funsta MC and Alley Cat spin dubstep and techno. Fabric, Charterhouse St, EC1M 6HJ (020 7336 8898).

10pm-6am. £17, adv £16, NUS £10, £7 after 3am, adv £21 inc CD.

SATURDAY 28 BBM Me Presents The Loose Cannons spin house, electro and techno. The Hoxton Pony, Curtain Rd, EC2A 3AH (020 7613 2844).

8pm-2am. £10, guestlist concs £7 before 10pm, free before 9pm.

Christmas Club Indie and retro pop disco with DJ Tom Smith. The Borderline, Orange Yard, Manette St, W1D 4JB (0870 060 3777/cc 0871 231 0842).

11pm-3am. £7, w/flyer £6.

Diamond Noir Resident DJs spin R‘n’B, 1990s soul, hip-hop, funky house and club classics.

Tamarai, Drury Ln, WC2B 5PG (020 7831 9399). 10pm-3am. £20, guestlist gents £15, gents £10 before midnight, guestlist ladies £10.

Entice Resident DJs spin disco, chart, pop and R‘n’B. Gigalum, Cavendish Parade, Clapham Common South Side, SW4 9DW (020 8772 0303). 7pm-late. Free.

Glamorous The residents play funky house, soul, R‘n’B and disco.

The Clapham Grand, St John’s Hill, SW11 1TT (020 7223 6523). 10pm3am. £10, guestlist £5 before 11pm.

Latin Passion Victor Hugo & The Mambo Boys and Jorge Andre play Latin beats. Salsa!, Charing Cross Rd, WC2H 0JG (020 7379 3277). 6pm2am, last adm 1am. £10, £8 before 11pm, £4 before 9pm, £2 before 8pm.

Louche And Jaunt Meets Rbma Drum ‘n’ bass, house and dubstep courtesy of Julio Bashmore, Shonky, Midland, Jane Fitz and Louche And Jaunt residents.

Plan B, Brixton Rd, SW9 7AY (020 7737 7372). 10pm-6am. £8-£12.

Talk Is Cheap DJs Inland Knights, Jedd Barry and Chris Solo play house, plus a live set from Olene Kadar. Cable, Bermondsey St, SE1 2EG (020 7403 7730).

10pm-6am. £15, adv £8-£12.50.

The Gallery Presents Paul Oakenfold, Aly & Fila, Protoculture, So Called Scumbags, Gavyn Mytchel, Jesse James, Neil Catlin, Plastic Fondu and Systematic Movements provide trance, progressive house and techno. The Ministry Of Sound, Gaunt St, SE1 6DP (0870 060 0010). 10.30pm-6am. £15.

Wow House and techno courtesy of Uto Karem, Okain, Chase Buch, Gianni Scotto, Angels Of Love, Joe T Vannelli, Simi, Supernova and DJ Fiore. Egg, York Way, N7 9AX (020 7871 7111). 10pm-10am. £13.

Over The Moon Commander B, Jolly Roger, Ice, Spider, PnP and Prezident spin hip-hop, R‘n’B, reggae and funky house.

Moonlighting, Greek St, W1D 4DR (020 7437 5782/cc 020 7287 3727).

10pm-5am. £12, w/flyer £5, w/flyer free before 12.30am.

La Dolce Vita Valerio Reali, Matt Wheeler, Edgar Kaleta, Donny Christian, Lloyd Moore and Mike E spin electro, house, trance and techno. Gigalum, Cavendish Parade, Clapham Common South Side, SW4 9DW (020 8772 0303). 4pm-11pm. Free.

OZ Day Party Resident DJs supply Australian anthems.

Gigalum, Cavendish Parade, Clapham Common South Side, SW4 9DW (020 8772 0303). 7pm-late. Free.

Horse Meat Disco Residents Jim Stanton, Luke Howard, James Hillard and Severino spin disco and house. Eagle, Kennington Ln, SE11 5QY (020 7793 0903). 8pm-3am. £8.

Simmer Chez Damier, Richard Adam and Josh Silver provide electro, house and indie. The Basing House, Kingsland Rd, E2 8AA (020 7688 0339). 10pm-4am. £5-£12.

Showtime DJ F-Sound spins house, electro, R‘n’B and dance anthems.

One, Leicester Sq, WC2H 7NA (020 7437 0453). 10pm-3am. £10, adv £5, ladies free before 11.30pm.

Triangle Benefit Party Rodney P, Congo Natty, Alabama 3, MZ Bratt, DJ Bizness and The Thirst spin electro, funk and hip-hop. Jamm, Brixton Rd, SW9 6LH (020 7346 8920/ cc 020 7274 5537). 8pm-6am. £10.

WetYourSelf Wesley Razzy, Unai Trotti, Cormac, Jacob Husley and Peter Pixzel spin house and techno. Fabric, Charterhouse St, EC1M 6HJ (020 7336 8898).

11pm-6am. £10, adv £8, NUS £5.

SUNDAY 29

Photos: Getty

White Heat DJs Matty, Olly and Marcus spin electro, techno and indie. Madame Jojo’s, Brewer St, W1F 0SE (020 7734 3040).

10.30pm-3am. £4-£5.

FRIDAY 27 Bedrock DJs Little Chris and George spin indie, rock, retro and pop. The Borderline, Orange Yard, Manette St, W1D 4JB (0870 060 3777/ cc 0871 231 0842). 11pm-4am. £7, w/flyer £5 before midnight.

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MONDAY 23 Nat Baldwin The American singer-songwriter and double bassist plays experimental folk in support of his album People Changes. Cargo, Rivington St, EC2A 3AY (020 7739 3440). £8.

John Verity Rock from the Bradford-born singer-songwriter.

Half Moon, Putney, Lower Richmond Rd, SW15 1EU (020 8780 9383). £13.

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Worship, Bos Angeles The Reading-based four-piece plays new wave and synth-infused indie. The Barfly, Camden, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AN (0844 847 2424). £8.

The Carolina Chocolate Drops Rootsy Americana by the North Carolina-based combo. Cecil Sharp House, Regents Park Rd, NW1 7AY (020 7485 2206). £18.

Manu Delago, Christoph Pepe Auer, Ellie Fagg, Tom Norris And Gregor Riddell Contemporary jazz from the Austrian hang player and colleagues. Kings Place, York Way, N1 9AG (020 7520 1490). £12.50, adv £9.50.

Damien Jurado The Seattlebased singer-songwriter and musician performs indie-folk.

The Enterprise, Haverstock Hill, NW3 2BL (020 7485 2659). £10.

Outfit, Towns The Liverpool-based five-piece plays post-punk and art rock. The Barfly, Camden, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AN (0844 847 2424). £7.

Helder Pack’s Diplomataz The London-based percussionist and his vibrant six-piece play Latin jazz and African melodies.

606 Club, Lots Rd, SW10 0QD (020 7352 5953). £10.

Martha Reeves & The Vandellas Classic R‘n’B and soul from the well-established American singer and her vocal backing group.

Ronnie Scott’s, Frith St, W1D 4HT (020 7439 0747). £30-£50.

Russian Red, Rachel Sermanni Indie-pop from Spanish singersongwriter Lourdes Hernandez.

Union Chapel, Compton Terrace, N1 2UN (020 7226 1686). £15.

TUESDAY 24

GRAHAM COXON The Forum. Wed, Apr 25. £17.50 Former Blur man turned impressive solo star Coxon brings his new album, A+E , and the odd back-catalogue classic, to this north London show.

NW5 1JY

kentishtownforum.com

WEDNESDAY 25 Bonnie Prince Billy American Will Oldham plays haunting alt folk and country from his album Wolfroy Goes To Town. Hackney Empire, Mare St, E8 1EJ (020 8985 2424). £25.

Childish Gambino Tongue-in-cheek hip-hop by the Californian-born actor, writer, comedian and musician, Donald McKinley Glover.

The City Arts & Music Project, City Rd, EC1Y 2BJ (020 7253 2443). £15.

Chilly Gonzales The Canadian songwriter and producer plays comedic alt pop with electronica and hip-hop leanings. Soho Theatre, Dean St, W1D 3NE (020 7478 0100). £15-£17.50.

Get Cape Wear Cape Fly Alt pop from singer-songwriter Sam Duckworth. Cargo, Rivington St, EC2A 3AY (020 7739 3440). £12.

Kentish Town

THURSDAY 26 Corpse, Captain Backfire Metal band. O2 Academy Islington, Parkfield St, N1 0PS (020 7288 4400/cc 0844 477 2000). £6.

Demachena The three-piece blends African, Arabic and Latin styles.

The Green Note Cafe, Parkway, NW1 7AN (020 7485 9899). £8.

The Do The duo performs indie-folk in support of its album Both Ways Open Jaws.

Bush Hall, Uxbridge Rd, W12 7LJ (020 8222 6955). £12.50.

Howler, Zulu Winter American musician Jordan Gatesmith leads his surf pop, garage-rock and indie outfit. XOYO, Cowper St, EC2A 4AP (020 7729 5959). £10.

The Madrigals Indie-folk by the London-based band.

Buffalo Bar, Upper St, N1 1RU (020 7359 6191). £5, adv £4.

Azriel, Silent Screams The Glasgow-based five-piece plays melodic metalcore. The Barfly, Camden, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AN (0844 847 2424). £8.

The Halton Quartet Alt folk with a Scottish flavour by the band. Half Moon, Putney, Lower Richmond Rd, SW15 1EU (020 8780 9383). £10.

Casiokids Electro-pop by the Bergen-based band.

Cargo, Rivington St, EC2A 3AY (020 7739 3440). £8.

Simo Lagnawi The musician performs original Gnawa songs and traditional African rhythms. Jamboree, Cable St, E1W 3HB (07713 867881). £3.

Plaitum, Extradition Order Electro-pop group from Colchester. Nambucca, Holloway Rd, N7 6LB (020 7281 8877). £7, adv £5.

Errol Linton Classic British blues by the harmonica-player. Boisdales Of Canary Wharf, Cabot Hall, E14 4QT (020 7715 5818). £7.50-£20.

Stars, Lace & Whiskey The outfit performs electro-pop.

Dublin Castle, Parkway, NW1 7AN (020 8806 2668). £6, adv £4.50.

The Loose Salute The outfit plays melodic pop-tinted country, folk and indie. Underbelly, Hoxton Sq, N1 6NU (020 7837 4412). £8, adv £6.

St Clair And The Essentials, Kaz Mills, Ollie Sloan, Flora Cook The London-based band plays bluesrock. The Troubadour, Old Brompton Rd, SW5 9JA (020 7370 1434). £7.

La Dispute The American five-piece plays passionate screamo and spiky rock.

The Borderline, Orange Yard, Manette St, W1D 4JB (0870 060 3777/ cc 0871 231 0842). £9.50.

Mila Falls Pop from the Londonbased singer-songwriter. Bull And Gate, Kentish Town Rd, NW5 2TJ (020 7704 0187). £6, w/flyer £5.

The Fray Pop-rock by the Denverbased band. Bush Hall, Uxbridge Rd, W12 7LJ (020 8222 6955). £17.50.

Lianne La Havas Soul and alt pop from the London-based singer-songwriter. The Social, Little Portland St, W1W 7JD (020 7636 4992). £9.90.

Photos: Getty

FRIDAY 27

The Maccabees Twinkling guitar riffs from the Brightonbased indie-pop quintet.

Koko, Camden High St, NW1 7JE (0870 432 5527). £15.

Madison Violet The Torontobased two-piece plays folkpop. The Borderline, Orange Yard, Manette St, W1D 4JB (0870 060 3777/ cc 0871 231 0842). £10.

Emeli Sande Contemporary soul and R‘n’B from the London-based singer-songwriter. Koko, Camden High St, NW1 7JE (0870 432 5527). £15.

Ron Sexsmith The Canadian singer-songwriter performs folk-rock in support of his album Long Player Late Bloomer.

Union Chapel, Compton Terrace, N1 2UN (020 7226 1686). £25.

Payback The nine-piece plays soul and funk. Dover St Restaurant And Bar, Dover St, W1S 4LQ (020 7629 9813). £12, free before 10pm.

SATURDAY 28 Boyz II Men Soulful harmonies and R‘n’B from the American trio playing songs from its album Love.

O2 Academy Brixton, Stockwell Rd, SW9 9SL (0844 477 2000). £30 & £35.

Gerry Across The Mersey The musician performs songs from his heroes alongside his hits.

Millfield Arts Centre, Silver St, N18 1PJ (020 8807 6680). £17, concs £15.

808 State Electro-dance by the Manchester-formed group.

Village Underground, Holywell Ln, EC2A 3PQ (020 7422 7505). £15.

Giovanna Pop singer-songwriter.

The Roof Gardens, Kensington High St, W8 5SA (020 7368 3960). £15.

Atotoso Rock band. The Workshop, Old St, EC1V 9EY (020 7253 6787). £6, £4 before 8pm.

Groove Armada Electro-pop by the London-based combo.

Ronnie Scott’s, Frith St, W1D 4HT (020 7439 0747). £45.

Brightlight City, Erika Indie-pop by the London-based band. Half Moon, Putney, Lower Richmond Rd, SW15 1EU (020 8780 9383). £8.

Claire Cameron Band The outfit plays pop-rock.

100 Club, Oxford St, W1D 1LL (020 7636 0933). £10, adv £8.

Explosions In The Sky The Texas-based outfit plays epic instrumental post-rock. O2 Academy Brixton, Stockwell Rd, SW9 9SL (0844 477 2000). £19.50.

Funkification Funk, soul and disco eight-piece. Dover St Restaurant And Bar, Dover St, W1S 4LQ (020 7629 9813). £15, diners free before 10pm.

Bruce Hornsby Pop-rock by the Williamsburg-based singer-songwriter. O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8TT (020 8354 3300/ cc 0844 477 2000). £25.

Jesus Jones, Jim Bob Indierock by the London-based band. O2 Academy Islington, Parkfield St, N1 0PS (020 7288 4400/ cc 0844 477 2000). £15.

Jaron Lanier & David Rothenberg Experimental music by composer-pianist Lanier and clarinettist Rothenberg.

Oct Gallery, Old Gloucester St, WC1N 3AL (020 7242 7367). £15.

Benet McLean Hard bop by the London-based pianist-vocalist.

Kings Place, York Way, N1 9AG (020 7520 1490). £12.50, adv £9.50.

James Hunter The Londonbased guitarist and vocalist plays R‘n’B and soul. Islington Town Hall, Upper St, N1 2UD (020 7527 2000). £17.50 & £20.

King Midas Sound The threepiece performs Lovers Rock.

Bishopsgate Institute, Bishopsgate, EC2M 4QH (020 7392 9200). £12.50.

Lower Than Atlantis Metalcore from the Hertfordshire-based four-piece. The Garage, Highbury Corner, N5 1RD (0870 060 3777/ cc 0844 847 1678). £10.

Manzana Tropical Londonbased Latin music band. Rich Mix, Bethnal Green Rd, E1 6LA (020 7613 7498). £8, adv £6.

Never Shout Never Electronic pop-rock from American singersongwriter Christofer Drew and his outfit. O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8TT (020 8354 3300/ cc 0844 477 2000). £14.

A Pale Horse Named Death Heavy metal from the American outfit. The Borderline, Orange Yard, Manette St, W1D 4JB (0870 060 3777/ cc 0871 231 0842). £12.

Pulled Apart By Horses Alt rock by the Leeds-based band.

The Barfly, Camden, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AN (0844 847 2424). £15.

Josh Rouse And The Long Vacations The American singersongwriter and musician leads his folk-pop and roots outfit.

Union Chapel, Compton Terrace, N1 2UN (020 7226 1686). £18.50.

Sheer Terror Hardcore punk by the New York-based band.

The Old Blue Last, Great Eastern St, EC2A 3ES (020 7739 7033). £15.

Alex Wilson Latin music by the composer, arranger and performer with his colleagues. Kings Place, York Way, N1 9AG (020 7520 1490). £14.50-£29.50, adv £9.50.

SUNDAY 29 Fish Leong Mandarin pop by the Chinese Malaysian singer.

HMV Apollo, Queen Caroline St, W6 9QH (0843 221 0100). £38-£138.

Kingsize Taylor The musician performs rock ‘n’ roll. The Borderline, Orange Yard, Manette St, W1D 4JB (0870 060 3777/ cc 0871 231 0842). £22, adv £20.

Jerry Tremaine & The Rising Suns Soulful blues-rock by the London-based band.

12 Bar Club, Denmark Place, WC2H 8NL (020 7240 2622). £6.

Rizzle Kicks Indie-influenced hip-hop from the Brightonbased duo. XOYO, Cowper St, EC2A 4AP (020 7729 5959). £10.

Ultrasound The four-piece plays indie-rock. The Borderline, Orange Yard, Manette St, W1D 4JB (0870 060 3777/ cc 0871 231 0842). £7.

Tatcho Drom Traditional folk and Balkan Gypsy music by the London-based outfit.

The Green Note Cafe, Parkway, NW1 7AN (020 7485 9899). £11.

Zoe Muth And The Lost High Rollers Americana and country by the Seattle-based singersongwriter and colleagues.

The Green Note Cafe, Parkway, NW1 7AN (020 7485 9899). £10.

Foy Vance Acoustic soul from the singer-songwriter. Union Chapel, Compton Terrace, N1 2UN (020 7226 1686). £15.

Sarah Whatmore Chart pop by the Salford-born singer.

The Roof Gardens, Kensington High St, W8 5SA (020 7368 3960). £15.

Rena Stamou The Grecian singer performs Rebetiko music. The Green Note Cafe, Parkway, NW1 7AN (020 7485 9899). £12, concs £8.

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"And then the corpse says to the widow: 'I can't make it tonght, babe. I'm on the graveyard shift'."

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Putting the 'fun' into funeral Is our approach to death far too serious? An upcoming London festival breathes life into that theory WORDS JAHN VANNISSELROY

In 2010, comedian Markus Birdman stared the Grim Reaper in the face. And the Reaper stared back. At 40, Birdman woke up blind as the result of a stroke, wondering if he was to live or die. He eventually managed to make the Reaper blink first – whether Birdman was helped by fact he couldn‘t really see, no one really knows – and now uses his brush with death to make others laugh, or, as is equally often the case, shift uncomfortably in their seats.

To Birdman, death has become a real concept, rather than the abstract ‘yeah, I‘m going to die’ acknowledgement most of us will grudgingly give if pressed. It made him far more aware of the need not to sweat the small stuff and any stress about his mortgage seem instantly irrelevant.

And while the last thing he wants is a non-stop flashing fluorescent reminder of mortality, Birdman, sight partially restored, has become an advocate for opening up about the end of life and breaking down the surrounding taboos that pervade our society, mostly to our detriment. He‘s not alone.

The funnyman is part of a large group performing at this week's Death: Southbank Centre's Festival Of The Living, a gathering that aims to demystify the final act of life.

Philosophers, scientists, artists, undertakers, anthropologists and psychiatrists will all share their experience on the topic.

As well as discussion and debate, great funeral music will be showcased; a collection of modern, it‘s-such-a-shame-tobury-them coffins from Ghana will be displayed; and there‘ll be poetry and performance about our approach and attitude to the one universally uncomfortable topic. It may seem uneasy subject matter, but it shouldn‘t, Birdman says.

“Death can be funny,“ he insists. “It‘s up there with sex and religion. And there‘s lots of black humour out there.

People appreciate you telling the truth … as long as it’s funny. It‘s great making people laugh but if you can make them think and or feel, that’s a nice area to be in – even if it is about ‘the end’.“ But the man who admits he would take on a gig at a funeral – although he does view it as the ultimate challenge – laments the Western world‘s attitude to death, especially in contrast to the approach of other cultures. Ours, he says, is just too depressing to be healthy.

“We live in a Christian society and Christians worship pain and suffering and death. We don’t look it in the right way.

In fact, people don’t want to look at it at all,“ he says. “I like

the Day of the Dead celebrations they have in Mexico and I‘d certainly hope my own funeral was a celebration like that.“ According to Charles Cowling, the author of the Good Funeral Guide, Birdman is on the money. Cowling insists funerals in this country remain little more than an invidious social obligation, and while his book and website aimed at demystifying the funeral process have not yet caused a tsunami of change, they are creating ripples.

“

So what bloody use was that funeral?

”

“Take a funeral in West Africa: it lasts four days. It incorporates music and dancing and every single one of the emotions is gone through; there‘s much more community engagement,“ Cowling says. “In Britain, it‘s all over in 20 minutes. You ask people about the funeral and they say ‘I can't wait to put it behind me.’ I‘m not saying you have ››

A stroke of genius: Markus Birdman

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Say godbye to the old wooden casket

to look forward to it but if you can‘t wait to put it behind you, then what bloody use was it?“ Cowling wants not just dying to be talked about openly, but also what happens to those left. Too often, friends and relatives launch headfirst into a world of denial, enabled by well-meaning but hard-charging death industry experts who help give life to Doctor Samuel Johnson's observation that ‘grief is a species of idleness ’.

“A funeral director says, ‘Don't worry, I will do absolutely everything, as if this is a great act of kindness – and it may well be, but maybe it‘s disabling as well,“ he says. “People stop their imagination and they kind of grief-walk through it all with their eyes half-shut. It's not very helpful at all“.

However, each death is different and not every occasion will always be sunshine, laughter, dancing and jokes. There are, Cowling concedes, some horrible people in the world, people who to glorify their lives for the sake of it could do more harm than good. Tragic deaths, too, are never easy.

“You have to be emotionally honest. Making it a positive experience is important but you have to know what you're trying to achieve,“ he advises. “What are your goals and objectives from a funeral? It sounds very ‘corporate' but it will help you through it.“

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Sandy Toksvig

Death: Southbank's Festival Of The Living, Jan 27-30 SE1 8XX southbankcentre.co.uk Embankment See also: markusbirdman.com the goodfuneralguide.co.uk

Photos: Thinkstock

Death: it becomes us all

For comedienne Sandy Toksvig, the best funerals have been the ones with absence of black, everyone dressed colourfully, and the music loud. The woman who caused a stir last year with her quip that “It‘s the Tories who are putting the ‘n’ into cuts“, is keen to put death back into perspective, adamant our approach should be to 'celebrate', rather than simply 'deal with' death.

“Saying ‘dealing’ with it sounds like something you‘d do with the gas bill,“ she says. “Celebrating it sounds like, ‘wow, how great it was that that person touched me and that I was able to spend time with that person’. That's what we should focus on.“ Her Sandi Toksvig Memorial Lecture at the Southbank will spotlight some of the stranger situations surrounding death.

Bizarre funerals – think Thomas Hardy, whose heart was to be buried in Dorset and his body in London, until a cat ate his heart; and weird wills – think TM Zink, the US misogynist who left his money to a library on the condition it was womanless, both in clientele and authors – are bound to be popular.

“The whole topic can get a bit too serious,“ Toksvig says.

“We tend to avoid it. I try and put the ‘fun’ into funeral.

Hopefully, that light-hearted manner will make people think.

“Look, every single culture fears death. You can spend all your time being afraid of when it's going to come but it's better to live every minute thinking ‘life's great’.“ And our other comedian, Birdman, the man who stared the Grim Reaper in the face and won, says while the next round won't be any easier, at least he's had the chance to let go of things that don't matter.

“In 50 years or so you’ll be dead, so go out there and do whatever it is you want to,“ he advises anyone fretting about their last breaths. “And who cares if you offend a few people on the way? All we can really do is laugh.“ So whether you‘re in need of a chuckle, or perhaps grieving and could do with a little perspective, consider reminding yourself: hey, at least I'm not dead yet. If there‘s one thing the Southbank Centre‘s latest festival could teach us, it's that things aren't always as grave as they could be… ❚

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PAIRS OF TICKETS TO SEE THE HOUDINI EXPERIENCE, STARRING HANS KLOK the Master of Mystery, arrives at the Peacock Theatre, London for five weeks only.

During a ‘chilling, thrilling and breathtakingly amazing show’, Hans Klok, his Divas of Magic and a company of world-class variety and circus acts perform illusions, daredevil stunts and wizardry unlike anything ever seen before.

Having starred in Las Vegas with Pamela Anderson as his magical assistant, Hans brings a new kind of theatre to London, one for all the family to enjoy this spring.

Escape from reality and get ready to relive the Houdini experience.

Prizes valid for Tuesday – Thursday performances until March 1, 2012, subject to availability.

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The greatest illusion show on earth Starring HANS KLOK The fastest magician in the world in THE HOUDINI EXPERIENCE With more illusions than you can count

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Grant Nicholas The Feeder frontman on Eighties soft-rock, surviving Britpop, not falling over and his rock ‘n’ roll excess INTERVIEW ALASDAIR MORTON

Your last album, Renegades, was a bit of a curveball – how does new record Generation Freakshow compare?

Renegades was us going back to our heavy rock roots, as that’s an important part of what we do but some people got a bit confused by it. If you have a few mainstream singles, people think that’s what you are about, but Feeder goes from headstand heavy to songs with beautiful indie string parts. It has always been quite diverse and the new album shows that.

You were a rock band starting out at Britpop’s height – was that difficult?

It was weird, we were outsiders. Rock had a bad name with the Eighties thing, but Britpop was very media- and fashion-led. There were some good bands, like Blur, but a lot of hype meant bands were here one day and gone the next.

People didn’t know what to make of us!

Yeah, you have often been called the UK’s answer to the Smashing Pumpkins?

We had similar backgrouds. Billy Corgan listened to a lot of the same music as me, American Seventies and Eighties rock and punk. A friend I met in Wales from New York introduced me to mainstream AOR stuff, some horrible, but it was very melodic. Hanging out with him had an influence on me.

Feeder songs have always been quite diverse though...

Yeah, I didn’t care if one song was heavy, one poppy, and then something else. Led Zeppelin had folk and rock ‘n’ roll and bluesy songs. Not that I am comparing us to them though!

You toured relentlessly at the start...

We toured our arses off – we spent a whole year in America!

What was your favourite tour?

One of my favourites was the co-headlining tour we did with Everclear. I spoke with Art [Alexakis – Everclear frontman] and said, “It would be great to do some shows together, if you give us some in the States, we’ll do the same here,” because, at the time, we were bigger over here.

It was a co-headlining tour, but with us going on after them, which I don’t think Art liked much.

Just the way he’s feeling: Grant Nicholas Did you ever think about calling it a day after Jon Lee [drummer] passed away?

In some ways, Comfort In Sound was the most important album we ever made. If it hadn’t worked, we might have called it a day. Jon and I had been friends for a long time, ever since growing up in Wales. I convinced him to move to London. We did think, ‘Would people want to see us without Jon?’ As a three piece, it’s important – you’re like a family in many ways.

How did the album come about?

I locked myself away in a studio and put all those feelings into songs. Taka [Hirose – bassist] went back to Japan for a couple of months.

When he came back, I said, “I’ve got some music,” and it all came together. Just The Way I’m Feeling [Comfort in Sound’s second single] was our biggest hit and really put us on the map.

What was the first song you ever wrote?

Spotlight, probably when I was 10 years old.

I can’t remember how it went. I never wanted to be a singer, I wanted to be a guitar player.

What is your favourite Feeder song?

I love to play the Renegades stuff live, it is so energetic; and My Perfect Day, off our first album, Polythene. It is a really great sounding track, but no one can play it like Jon did.

The snare had that Jimmy Chamberlain [ex-Smashing Pumpkins drummer] slightly jazzy thing. Jon had that style and I have never come across anyone that can play it quite like he used to.

Have you ever smashed a guitar on stage?

Once, when we headlined Download. It was a heavy festival and they were trying to make it more ‘alt-rock’ and we were the guinea pigs.

We had to work really hard and the beast within came out – I had this beautiful metallic green Jazzmaster which got smashed to pieces.

What’s your most rock ‘n’ roll moment?

I had an easyJet flight booked, so I could go home for a day. But I bumped into Chris Martin [Coldplay] and he said: “Come fly with us.”

So I jumped on their private jet, which was a pretty rock ‘n’ roll moment. And I once had a conversation with Bono [from U2] about not falling over on stage. His secret was to get some of that grip tape, like the one they use on skateboards, and put that on your shoes.

Feeder release single Borders, Jan 29, and new album Generation Freakshow, March 26, through EMI. They play Koko on Jan 31. £19.50 1a Camden High Street, NW1 7JE koko.uk.com Mornington Crescent

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Try as he might, Clooney couldn’t quite shake DiCaprio and Pitt in the Oscar race

THE DESCENDANTS FILM review by Alasdair Morton STARRING: George Clooney, Shailene Woodley, Amara Miller | 15 | 115mins

THE GREY FILM STARRING: Liam Neeson, Dermot Mulroney TBC | TBCmins

From The A Team director Joe Carnahan comes this survival thriller in which the passengers of a crash-landed plane have to defend themselves against a pack of Alaskan wolves.

Carnahan proved adept at handling gritty fare with cops ‘n’ crime flick Narc, but the main draw here is seeing Liam Neeson fighting a wolf with broken bottles strapped to his hands. Havit!

On general release from Jan 27

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George Clooney missed out on a role in Alexander Payne’s Sideways, but made sure he didn’t miss out a second time, revealing that he pretty much decided to sign on for Payne’s latest before reading the script. His instincts were on the money – as a Best Actor Golden Globe attests – and The Descendants is the sort of warm, funny and emotionally honest film of which we see too little.

In this family-based comedy-drama, Clooney plays Matt King, a Hawaiian businessman negotiating the sale of his family’s inherited real estate. Ignoring his wife and two daughters, he’s a bad husband and father, but is forced to reevaluate his priorities when his wife is injured in a boating accident, throwing into light a family secret about which everyone seemed to know but him.

Mixing comedy, often farcical (Clooney’s peg-legged run down a hill on hearing some disturbing news is hilarious), with insightful observation, Payne’s film is absorbing from the start. As an average Joe and struggling father, Clooney is superb – the scene in which he confronts a family member in a decidedly odd setting over a past indiscretion shows why he’s an Oscar frontrunner. But it is an ensemble film, with winning performances all over, particularly Woodley as his emotionally thawing delinquent daughter and a combative, call-it-like-he-sees-it father-in-law.

Payne delivers another tale of a flawed everyman struggling with choices in unusual circumstances, but it is the universal truths and humanity found in the most unlikely of places (and people) that makes this his finest film to date.

GOOD FOR: Finding comedy in the strangest of places

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MARK THOMAS: WALKING THE WALL

GIGGLE!

COMEDY

Comedian, activist and all-round good guy Mark Thomas gives his Walking The Wall show a final run, in which he regales the audience with his rambling adventures in the Middle East, where he walked the length of the Israeli Separation Barrier. It was a walk that was, as you can expect, not exactly short on incident.

Ha ha!

Tricycle Theatre 269 Kilburn High Road, NW6 7JR. Jan 23-28. £16-£20 tricycle.co.uk Kilburn

DAVID HOCKNEY RA: A BIGGER PICTURE

EXECUTION OF JUSTICE

EXHIBITION

THEATRE

Hockney’s fascination with landscapes, particularly the East Yorkshire ones he grew up in awe of, is the focus for this new exhibition. As well as the large scale works created specifically for the RAA, there will be a display of his iPad drawings and a split-screen, 18 cameraproduced film too.

Emily Mann’s dramatisation of the trial of Dan White, the ‘all-American’ ex-soldier, former fireman and disgruntled city supervisor who shot Harvey Milk (the first openly gay man elected to US public office) and George Moscone (the liberal mayor of California), is an involving, tense and deftly orchestrated production. LK

Royal Academy of Arts Burlington House, W1J 0BD. Until Apr 8. £14 royalacademy.org.uk Piccadilly Circus

Southwark Playhouse SE1 2TF. Until Feb 4. £10-£18 southwarkplayhouse.co.uk London Bridge

ANDREA HUBERT What’s your show about?

I’m in the middle of a feud with the homeless man near my local Tube station. I’m not winning so I’ll probably talk exclusively about that.

Best heckle? A few weeks ago, a man with nice Tourette’s kept yelling, “I love this joke, it’s funny and I can’t wait to hear the rest of it!” and “I like your face!”

Strangest gig? A squat party in Bethnal Green. Everyone was drinking herbal tea and snorting ketamine. Halfway through my set, two massive pitbulls ambled on stage and started licking my crotch.

Photos: Johan Persson, Jonnie Malachi Photography

Do you still have the stalker gene? Everyone does but they might not have found the right victim.

LIKE CRAZY

LOVESONG

FILM

THEATRE

Director Drake Doremus’s intimate portrait of young love – shot on a shoestring budget of £163,000 and influenced by his own experiences with the woman who went on to become his ex-wife – treads similar ground to many teenrom dramas, but has won plaudits for its soulful sincerity and has two hot young actors in leads Anton Yelchin and Felicity Jones.

Abi Morgan (The Iron Lady) joins forces with physical theatre company Frantic Assembly to create a tender evocation of the start and end – and the trials inbetween – of a fifty-year relationship. In directors Scott Graham and Steven Hoggett’s poignant production, body language says as much as the spoken word. LK

On general release from Jan 27

Lyric Hammersmith, King Street, W6 0QL. Til Feb 4. £12.50-£35 lyric.co.uk Hammersmith

What is Burt Reynold’s best film?

His searingly honest performance in the hard-hitting 1996 feminist documentary Striptease.

Biggest ambition? To get an entire Terry’s Chocolate Orange into my mouth in one go.

Performing at The Tommyfield, Jan 26. £5. 185 Kennington Lane, SE11 4EZ thetommyfield.com

Kennington

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SPARETIME

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Underworld: A Collection

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Ski-doo Challenge PS3

Race through blinding snow and hard, blue ice at 100mph to be a ski-doo champion. £24.97 gameseek.co.uk

Album

Tracks from the musical directors for the 2012 Olympic opening ceremony.

Yes, Born Slippy’s on there. £8.99 hmv.com

Resident Evil: Revelations Rodrigo y Gabriela: Area 52

Nintendo 3DS

Another dose of the horror classic, with new characters to throw you off track. £37.00 very.co.uk

Album

Another nugget of fast and folky acoustic guitar tunes. £8.95 zavvi.com

ScanMe Lunatics: Dave Barry & Alan Zweibel

iPhone

Your personal QR code, linked to your social media profiles. Life just got easier.

Free scanme.com

Book

A pet shop owner and a grouch on the run from police, terrorists and a pizza chain mascot. £12.52 overstock.com

Voice Synth iOS

Have hours of fun modifying your voice to sound like a celebrity, a robot or a baby. £2.99 itunes.apple.com

The Street Art Doodle Book: Dave The Chimp Book

Celebrate the wonders of graffiti, then try your own on the page beside. £12.95 oliverbonas.com

FitFolio cover iPad 2

The multi-position stand is ideal for movie watching on your fave gadget. £34.95

Sherlock: Series Two

speckproducts.com

DVD

The latest dose of the dark, dangerous and modernised version of the crime thriller. £12.99 bbcshop.com

Australian flag hardshell phone case iPhone 4

An Australia Day accessory for patriotic gadget fans. £24.95 zazzle.co.uk

Melancholia DVD

Strange, arty and visually stunning. With Kirsten Dunst and Charlotte Gainsbourg. £8.99 amazon.co.uk

App of the Week Aurasma iOS & Android app

A mind-blowing augmented reality app that brings objects – from magazines to bottles to football tops – to life, by making them move.

Free itunes.apple.com

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Men’s sleeveless hoodie Make fearsome eyes at the beefcakes in the weights room. spreadshirt.co.uk

Nike Women’s Hyperwarm hoody It’s flattering and zips up to your chin to block out the elements.

Paw print reflective bib The essential winter running accessory. upandrunning.co.uk

sweatshop.co.uk

.00

£36

£20

.00

MARKETWATCH TATTY DEVINE POP-UP WORKSHOP Cult jewellery brand Tatty Devine has opened its first popup workshop in Selfridges to coincide with the department store’s Words Words Words exhibition. Not only will you be able to find yourself a piece of Tatty’s trademark brightly coloured, quirky jewellery, but you’ll have the chance to see your own name-necklace made on the spot. Also visit to feast your eyes on the jewellery maker’s biggest ever letter-necklace – a one-off eye-catching chain heaving with red perspex letters to mark the event. This concept, until March 1, sees Selfridges UltraLounge transformed into a library, hosting a programme of events to celebrate the power of the written word. Here, you can attend any number of workshops, from having your handwriting analysed, to a Latin masterclass.

OPEN Until February 26 tattydevine.com Selfridges, 400 Oxford St, W1A 1AB Bond Street

.31 £33

Men’s performance leggings Offers warmth but allows breathing … so there’s no excuse to give up on frosty mornings.

Fitness Freak .00

£10

runbreeze.com

Jersey Runner Short Earn your stripes with these cute babies.

.00 £25

topshop.com

Bia Brazil Tallulah tank top Inspired by the hot bods in Brazil. .00 £41

tonicgear.co.uk

Anita Active Extreme Control Sports Bra For girls who believe only balls should bounce. In sizes B-H 32-46.

£39

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£45

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anita.com

Yoga gym bag It’s got loads of pockets so you can’t lose any more bobby pins! sherpani.uk.com

£59

.99

White panel high-tops How long before they’re ‘christened’? riverisland.com

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LIFESTYLEHEALTH CLASS OF THE WEEK

DRAG QUEEN MASTERCLASS

There’s more to drag than wigs and false lashes. As it happens, those queens that make cross dressing their career are fit. Imagine taking a Zumba class in heels, and you’ve got an inkling of what it takes.

Cabaret trio The Globe Girls show the rest of us what’s involved in an intensive, hour-long masterclass.

We are are encouraged to come dressed to the nines – sequins, teased hair, killer make-up, and heels are a must. Wallflowers get given a pre-class alcoholic confidence boost. Former Gladiators contestant Tornado starts the class off with warm-up squats and lunges, then the Globe Girls do a Walking 101 session, where we practice our strut. The ensuing routine is all pelvic thrusts, ass slaps and “sex faces” (the face you make while you’re slapping your ass). More entertaining than a spin class, this masterclass is guaranteed to get your legs in sculpted shape.

Afterwards, we are invited to watch The Globe Girls perform in the cabaret club downstairs over drinks and nibbles. Hey, what’s the point in burning off calories if you don’t get to fill them back up again? £25 for a class and drink; £55 with a show and a meal. DAISY CARRINGTON

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Made in Aus Get your health, beauty and fashion fixes from Down Under on your doorstep. Here’s our top five WORDS REBECCA KENT

The UK is a tough market to crack, but a bunch of Australian brands have had a red hot go at it to great success.

Antipodium WHAT: A fashion label specialist showcasing Aussie and Kiwi brands to the London market. Founded by ex-pats Geoffrey J Finch and Ashe Peacock in 2003, Antipodium is also a retail boutique, wholesale showroom and has its own line, Buttons Up! It promotes designers such as Alice McCall, Gail Sorronda and 18th Amendment.

IT’S AWESOME BECAUSE: Antipodium can now be found in more than 100 boutiques in 11 countries, as well as high-end retailers such as Harvey Nichols, Liberty, and Urban Outfitters.

GET IT: Antipodium.com

Shell Lip Balm WHAT: Lip balm and a mirror in a real shell.

This gorgeous product, developed by Mark

Power, the son of Australian brewing giant Bernie Power, and launched in the UK eight weeks ago is already making waves, having been seen in the clutches of Alexa Chung and Daisy Lowe. It’s like carrying a bit of Queensland sunshine in your pocket!

IT’S AWESOME BECAUSE: They’re real, reliably sourced sea shells and the balm, made of mango seed butter, macadamia seed oil, coconut oil and other goodies, is 100 per cent organic.

GET IT: Shelllipbalm.co.uk

Mambo WHAT: An iconic Australian surf label founded in 1984 when Dare Jennings wanted to test the theory that “any idiot can put something on a shirt and sell it”.

The brand champions the arcane artistry of Reg Mombassa, and recently opened a store in Covent Garden, selling everything from T-shirts to trainers.

IT’S AWESOME BECAUSE: Mambo is an

Floridita, 100 Wardour Street, W1F 0TN floriditalondon.com Tottenham Court Road

Shell out: sunshine in your pocket 34

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Paw Paw and (above) Sasy n Savy

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AUSSIE GOODIES

Li’Tya Native Mint Sea Salt Aboriginal healing in a jar £16.25 litya-spa.com

White Glo Professional Choice It’s an all-Australian formula £4.07 boots.com

Antipodium: cracking the catwalks Aussie institution, and is pretty funny too.

GET IT: Mambo.co; and FROM 39 Shelton Street, WC2H 9HJ.

Sasy n Savy WHAT: A skincare aromatherapy and wellbeing product range dreamed up by Sydneysider Samea Maakrun in 2000. It hit the UK market last year and is going gangbusters. The products – walnut citrus body scrub, rose lavender hand cream among them – are lush, and derived from hardy Australian plants.

IT’S AWESOME BECAUSE: They’re packed with antioxidants, nutrients and vitamins.

GET IT: Harrods, Fenwicks and Lloyds pharmacies. Also at sasynsavy.co.uk

Lucas’ Paw Paw ointment WHAT: A cult cure-all salve in Australia – for lips, eczema, open wounds – that will send a woman into a wild panic if her handbag is without it. This medical marvel was developed in the 19th century by Dr Thomas P Lucas, who was so taken with the properties of Queensland’s paw paw tree, it’s all he prescribed to his patients.

IT’S AWESOME BECAUSE: It’s a hardworking, multi-tasking unguent without an icky chemical taste. Only those in the know in the UK own NEXT WEEK it. If you don’t have some, seek it out.

GET IT: pawpawshop.co.uk

The Love System Travel Mist Revitalise the psyche £14.95 planethealthdirect.co.uk

How to train for a marathon

TOP TREATMENT: VIRGIN ACTIVE BLOW BAR No, it’s nothing rude, but now we have your attention: instead of scraping back your tresses, the long-haired can get their hair tended to, straight from a workout. It’s ideal for fitting in a gym session between work and a night out and you can opt from a range of styles – waves, up-dos, beehives and more. Appointments can be made via the website and cost £24

Sweaty locks transformed

Virgin Active gyms in Moorgate and Mayfair Moorgate/ Marble Arch

theblowbar.co.uk

BYS Five Shade Bronzer For the Aussie sunkissed look £2.99 makeup.uk.com

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LIFESTYLECAREERS

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Fight or flight: what would you do if your potential boss tried to get fresh?

Are you a virgin?

And who would be in your team if zombies invaded the world?

How to deal with weird interview questions WORDS CLARE VOOGHT With so many candidates to sift through, employers like to throw a few curveball questions into interviews, especially for creative jobs. They use them to find out anything from what you’re really like as a person to how you deal with the unexpected. We’ve found the weirdest and asked London’s recruiters how to handle them.

Why did your parents split up?

An interview for a job at a newspaper got a bit strange for Steff Lewis-Sabey, 28, when an unorthodox editor asked her about her life experiences. Guessing her parents had divorced, the editor asked why and how it affected her.

They spent 20 minutes talking about her parents’ relationship and 10 about her writing skills – she got the job.

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Kristie Aked, senior recruitment consultant at Source, says: “Personal experiences happen to everybody. It’s not about judging someone for what’s happened to them, but how they’ve dealt with it.”

Eva Rode-Hilbert, director of ISE Partners recruitment firm, says make it about who you are, rather than talking about members of your family. If you’re not comfortable, try to deflect the question with another, like: “Should I talk about my influences growing up?”

Zombies have invaded Earth.

Who’d be on your fighting team?

A survey of the weirdest job interview questions by Source Recruitment in east London ranked this weird one at the top. But employers have their reasons.

“This type of question is designed to break the ice a little,” says Carlie Santoro, recruiter at Quest Professional, Victoria. “It’ll give the interviewer a chance to evaluate how you react to the unexpected.”

They’ll be looking to see whether you choose celebrities, friends or family, and how you justify it. It gives you a chance to have a laugh, show your sense of humour and get chatting.

Are you a virgin?

It might be over-stepping the mark, but Steve Jobs once infamously asked a squirming interviewee this question.

Sometimes it helps to turn this kind of situation around, Aked says, with a response like, “Why is this relevant to the role?” or even: “Are you?”

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[Caption]

ON THE JOB JAMES LYONSHAW CAREER Executive chef AGE 28 LIVES Kilburn FROM Dorset

Zombie invasion: not likely, but good to prepare for

How did you get into your line of work? I started as a kitchen porter in a local hotel in Dorset, when I was 15. From the beginning, I loved being able to produce something that made people instantly happy.

Radishes can make handy life-floats

Photos: Thinkstock. *Some names have been changed

Just how much do you want this?

“My eye colour? Blue steel”

TEN MORE WEIRD JOB INTERVIEW QUESTIONS 1. How do you rob a bank?

2. Who would win in a fight, Batman or Superman?

3. If each step you take is half the distance of the previous step, how long would it take you to walk across the room?

4. Describe an orange without using the words “round” or “orange”.

5. Tell me an unfunny joke.

6. How much would you charge to wash all the windows in London?

7. What would you do if a customer blamed the weather on you?

8. What would your epitaph be?

9. Why are manhole covers round?

10. When was the last time you were happy?

This question, when asked seductively, can make an interview really awkward (or brilliant, depending on your outlook).

One cougar-esque interviewer in a technology company asked Mark Smith*, 27, this question. He answered in the most normal way possible, pretending he hadn’t realised what she meant. But when he asked for feedback after the second interview, his potential boss said he was great, but if he really wanted the job, he’d need to flirt back.

“She sounds hideous,” says Aked. “If someone thought that was important, it’d be a creepy environment to work in. If you really want the job, bring it back to a professional level. I would never suggest people flirt in an interview – a lot of people frown on relationships in the workplace.”

What colour are your eyes?

When a hat designer asked Giorgina Ramazzotti, 26, this question, she

answered ‘green’, he nodded and then just casually went on to the next question.

But why did he ask?

“I’d suggest someone’s asking this to be a bit cheeky,” says Aked. “To see if someone’s got the balls to turn around and say, ‘you can see them’.”

If you were a miniature person trapped in a salad bowl, how would you escape?

This is another popular question from Source Recruitment’s survey.

Like talking about your zombie slaying team, this is an opportunity for you to be creative, humorous and strike up a bond with the interviewer.

It gives you the chance to give a logical answer and to show some humour, says Rode-Hilbert. They also want to see if you’re outgoing, good with people and NEXT WEEK have a natural curiosity – so ask Working in the questions about 2012 Olympics the bowl.

What do you do day to day?

Talking to the head chefs to ensure their kitchens are running smoothly, sourcing unusual or exciting ingredients and liaising with the chefs to ensure our menus are always seasonal and mostly British.

What’s the best part of your job?

Menu tasting sessions. I spend a week going from site to site trying all the fantastic food the chefs have prepared and fine-tune any issues.

What’s the most challenging?

Ensuring head chefs have the best possible teams – it’s a never-ending process of training and developing the junior chefs to bring them up to standard. That said, it is massively rewarding.

HOW TO...

KEEP CALM Seem as chilled as Snoop Dogg after a blunt. OK, maybe not quite that cool.

• Figure out exactly what’s

stressing you out, then ask yourself ‘does it really matter?’

• Can you control it? If you can, focus on the solution rather than the problem. Deal with bigger problems step by step.

• Focus on your breathing: in for five seconds and out for five seconds. It sounds loony, but it helps to take you away from the situation.

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tntjobs.co.uk PPA EDUCATION LTD T: 020 7421 4999 www.ppaeducation.com

JOB OF THE WEEK: Primary School Teacher Location: East London Salary: Upwards of £35k

PPA Education provides teaching and support staff to schools to schools across all ages In London and the surrounding areas.

PPA Education is looking for a confident and passionate qualified teacher to work in an outstanding school that is focussed on teaching and learning. Applicants must possess a teaching qualification.

James Murphy | 020 7421 4999 | james@ppaeducation.com

GALLOWGLASS T: 0845 300 2468 www.gallowglass.co.uk Gallowglass is UKs leading crewing company to the sporting and events industry, working for TV, theatre, film and outdoor production companies.

BERRY MARQUEES LTD T: 01784 471 410 www.berrymarquees.com

JOB OF THE WEEK: Location: London Salary: £8 - £11 per hour + skills payments Gallowglass is involved in many aspects of the 2012 Games as well as our on-going work, and has vacancies for friendly, enthusiastic and outgoing people to join our crew.

You will need to be physically fit, have excellent spoken English, be adaptable, happy to work anti-social hours and have a can-do attitude.

CV to hr@gallowglass.co.uk or fill in our on line form at www.gallowglass.co.uk

JOB OF THE WEEK: Marquee Foremen or Riggers Location: London Salary: £7 - £ 10 ph + Bonuses

Berry Marquees Ltd lives by its motto ‘Excellence Above All Else’, providing the highest quality marquees to the events industry.

Have you got the experience with marquees needed to join our team? Check out our website and see the service we deliver. We have several full time positions available, and transport from Putney every morning.

LIKE MINDERS BABYSITTING AND CHILDCARE

JOB OF THE WEEK: Babysitters and Daytime Childcarers Location: London and Surrey Salary: £7 per hour for evenings and £8 per hour daytime

T: 0844 879 7189 www.likeminders.co.uk We provide babysitting and ad hoc daytime childcare in London and Surrey. We offer trustworthy, flexible and reliable childcare.

INTERNATIONAL WINE CHALLENGE T: 01293 610416 www.internationalwinechallenge.com Probably the world’s largest blind wine tasting in the world.

Wines from 48 countries are tasted.

ARAPAHO SPUR T: 01784 492111 www.stainesspur.com Arapaho Spur has been established since April 2003 and has the reputation of serving the best steaks in Staines.

jim@berrymarquees.com | 01784 471 410

You MUST be over 21yrs old and hold a CRB, experience in childcare is essential and you will need to provide three references (2 of which must be childcare references).

Fill in the online registration form www.likeminders.co.uk info@likeminders.co.uk | 0844 879 7189

JOB OF THE WEEK: IWC Crew Location: High Wycombe & Lords Cricket Ground Salary: £7 per hour self employed We are looking for enthusiastic people keen to progress in the wine trade to assist at the International Wine Challenge (IWC) – the World’s most influential blind wine tasting competition. www.harpers.co.uk/jobs/5832-international-wine-challenge-crew-2012.html Chris Ashton | IWC Event Director | chris.ashton@wrbm.com

JOB OF THE WEEK: Assistant General Manager Location: Staines, Middlesex Salary: starting 19K The ideal candidate will have a keen eye for detail managing the front of house, have exceptional cleanliness standards and have experience of supervising/ managing a busy restaurant for at least 6 months. You will be a punctual, efficient and have the ability to multitask and uphold the standards for the front of house team.

Eve Banks | 07908888936 | eve@trinityleisure.com

STARK CASTING www.freshfilmprod.com We are a Commercial Production company who work with many leading brands.

JOB OF THE WEEK: Non professional model Location: London/Prague Salary: ¤750 to ¤2500 Leading Beauty Brand looking for 2 Australian women aged 25-32 to be in their commercial. Filming to take place in either London or Prague, must hold valid passport, duration 2 – 3 days in February. Please send an email telling us a bit about yourself and contact number with Photo to anna@starkcasting.com Anna Stark | anna@starkcasting.com

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CASH SAVING TIPS

HOW YOU SPEND IT!

FREE KINDLE BOOKS Xxxxxxxxx You don’t need to own a Kindle to take advantage XXXXXXXXX of the free books Amazon Xxxxxxxxxxx gives away to customers.

They are also free to XXXXXXXXX download to a PC or Xxxxxxxxxxx iPhone, so as to lure you over. amazon.co.uk XXXXXXXXX

and Miami party trips don’t come cheap!

Any money-saving tips for living in London?

Give up crazy weekend trips, parties and drinking ... for a couple of weekends at least.

You won’t have as many fun stories, but hey, you might end up actually saving some money – and your liver.

Xxxxxxxxxxx

ANYTHING FOR FIVE QUID If a fiver is all you’ve got XXXXXXXXX to your name, a new Xxxxxxxxxxx website shows it can go a long way. Fivesquids.co.uk is a new online community where users offer services for £5 or less. Students and freelancers are quickly signing up, posting such strange offers as ‘I will find you the cheapest package holiday or flight for £5’, or, ‘I will send you 30 totally random facts for £5’. Enterprising stuff.

MARINA NJAVRO, 27 JOB Banking FROM Newcastle, Australia LIVES Marylebone Last big blow-out?

An Ibiza trip to go to the Swedish House Mafia

How do you budget?

Badly! Ibiza, Amsterdam

What non-essential items do you spend money on?

Clothes, nights out, festivals, travelling – the usual. I love London and there is so much to experience while I’m here.

HOW THEY SPEND IT! Flogging food online Boxes of 40-year-old Shreddies cereal, found behind a shelf at Whitwell Post Office, fetched £160, adding to an odd list of foodstuffs pimped on the bidding site

TRADE IN OLD MASCARA Clinique is running a promotion where it will accept your full-size mascara of any brand – even if it’s empty – and swap it for a mini Clinique mascara worth £8. The luxury beauty brand will accept trade-ins at any of its Boots counters. The offer lasts until February 1.

LATE DEALS /60 MY LONDON /12

closing party and also a trip to Amsterdam to see David Guetta. Tickets were sold out so my friend and I stupidly forked out for VIP tickets.

❚ A piece of French toast, half-eaten by American musician and rapper Kid Rock once sold for more than £1957. An egghead buyer maybe?

The Virgin Mary toast

❚ A woman in Ohio sold fish sticks fused together “in a way that made three mini crosses”. They fell on the pan to look like the hill where Jesus was crucified.

She got £51.

❚ A decade-old toasted cheese sandwich, said to bear an image of the Virgin Mary, sold for £18,258 to an internet casino which deemed it a pop culture item. It never went mouldy. ❚ Two sisters sold a cornflake shaped like the state of Illinois for £880. It was bought by Monty Kerr of Texas to display in a travel museum.

Need to send money between UK and home? r Cheapee than th banks*

*Source: 1st Contact survey of UK high street bank charges, April 2008.

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LIFESTYLELIVING HOME

STYLE 5

1 £5.

Aussie girls stickers A perfect Australia Day decoration

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House away from home

zazzle.co.uk

.9 £11

West is best if you’re an Aussie in London

9

WORDS REBECCA KENT

London is awash with Aussies, but it’s the south-west they favour when it comes to a place to lay their heads. TNT reveals the top five hotspots in honour of Australia Day. Australia Day banner Add your own personalised message too partydelights.co.uk

95

£8.

Inflatable surfboard cooler Keep your party beers cold partypacks.co.uk

50 £4.

Clapham, SW4 It’s trendy and has no shortage of places for a pint, so it’s no wonder Aussies flock to Clapham. Priced out of Earl’s Court (once nicknamed Kangaroo Valley) and gradually drifting away from Shepherd’s Bush, Aussies have made cosmopolitan Clapham the number one honey pot. Take it from Twitter user @RuettigerPStone, who says: “You can’t breathe oxygen in Clapham without sharing some with an Aussie.”

Ed Hulme, at Winkworth estate agent, Clapham, suggests Aussies dig the entertainment factor. “They like to enjoy themselves, don’t they? And Clapham’s got bars and restaurants galore. Plus, the sprawling common provides the outdoorsy aspect,” he says.

BEST FOR FOOD The Loft for views over the high street in a warehouse-style bar and restaurant (theloftclapham.com).

BEST FOR DRINKS Boogie at the funky cavern bar, Arch (arch635.co.uk).

TUBE/RAIL Clapham Junction, Clapham North, Clapham Common, Clapham South AVERAGE FLATSHARE £650pcm

Shoreditch, EC Australian sign cutouts Point visitors in the right direction very.co.uk

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Australians choose this pocket of London to live alternatively, away from the ‘Aussie hotspots’, yet the contingent continues to

grow. Shoreditch is an arty, edgy, sometimes grimy place that gets mobbed on a weekend.

Prices are creeping up, but still affordable, says James Dainton of The Space Station estate agent. “You can get a large loft for half the price you’d pay in the West End, and there’s hip little bars and an underground clubbing scene. It’s electric,” he says.

Additionally, there’s Brick Lane for top curries and a vibrant Sunday market, or, for a steamy blur of Vietnamese spring rolls and noodle soups, Kingsland Road. For a great bar, try the pub/club/arts collective Queen of Hoxton – it’s an institution (queenofhoxton. com). Shoreditch is where the cool kids are.

BEST FOR FOOD Do a Sunday brunch at Hoxton Apprentice, with views of Hoxton Square (hoxtonapprentice.com).

BEST FOR DRINKS The Electricity Showrooms (electricityshowrooms.com) for darts and ales.

TUBE Old Street AVERAGE FLATSHARE £750pcm

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Breathing space: the sprawling Clapham Common, and, left, arty Shoreditch

MY AREA EMMA

MATTHEWS Fitness mgr, 27 Shepherd’s Bush

“What’s not to love about Shepherd’s Bush? It’s on the central line and has great restaurants, plus there’s always someone around to have a drink with”

HALEY

JOHNSON HR, 28 Shoreditch

Fulham, SW6 Aussies have also rooted themselves in the genteel streets of Fulham. They straddle gritty estates, making for an interesting mix of residents.

It’s Fulham’s young crowd that appeals, says Geordie Ogilvy, of KFH estate agents.

“The sharehouses are ample and everyone’s like-minded; they’ve got disposable income to spend it at bars – and there’s plenty of those,” he says.

Aussies mainly occupy the terrace houses in the small streets sandwiched between Fulham Palace Road and North End Road, where a street market offers a real slice of London. The river is also close by, but the fun stretch is Fulham Broadway, packed with bars for thirsty antipodeans.

BEST FOR FOOD French gastropub My Dining Room is spot on (mydiningroom.net).

BEST FOR DRINKS Can’t go past a pint at The Barrow Boy (thebarrowboy.co.uk).

TUBE Fulham Broadway AVERAGE FLATSHARE £700pcm

Photos: Ray Tang / Rex; Getty

Angel, N1 Angel is close to the City and rammed with vibrant pubs, bars and eateries. As such, Aussies of a hipper, wealthier variety congregate here. They have everything on their doorstep, too – fashion, shopping, cafes and live music.

“Angel and Islington are convenient,” says Paul Williams, of Savills estate agent, Islington. “It’s only four stops to Oxford Circus and you’ve got the nightlife of

Clerkenwell and Shoreditch close by.”

The 19th-century King’s Head pub, with a theatre built in, is worth a visit (kingsheadtheatre.org) BEST FOR FOOD Gallipoli for Turkish treats and a great atmosphere. (cafegallipoli.com) BEST FOR DRINKS Bario North for cocktails and a Latino vibe. (barionorth.com) TUBE Angel AVERAGE FLATSHARE £700pcm

Shepherd’s Bush, W12 Shepherd’s Bush is gradually pricing Aussies out, but it still has one of the largest expat communities in London. It might have something to do with the Walkabout, at the top of the rather grotty green, which, along with the Vesbar and kebab shops in between, tends to keep them corralled.

Russell Chilvers, of Winkworth estate agent, Shepherd’s Bush, says moving in is uncomplicated. “You could easily move into the properties above shops because landlords weren’t picky with references.”

The giant Westfield mall is Australia’s biggest export here; the long-standing Shepherd’s Bush market provides the contrast.

BEST FOR FOOD Princess Victoria for rustic fare in Edwardian surrounds (princessvictoria.co.uk).

BEST FOR DRINKS Party in a converted Victorian toilet at Ginglik. (ginglik.co.uk) TUBE Shepherd’s Bush/ Market, Goldhawk Road NEXT WEEK AVERAGE FLATSHARE How to buy your first home £700pcm

“Come to Shoreditch for everything from canals and curry houses, to bagels and BYO Vietnamese, flower markets, street art and converted warehouses. It’s awesome.”

NESHAAT MIRZAIE

Lawyer, 30 Angel

“It’s a city dwelling without the weekend shutdown. I love the roar of Upper Street and the quiet family buzz of the little parks on the side streets.”

REDMOND LEE

Consultant, 35 Clapham

“Clapham has such a good vibe and it lays on the entertainment thick. Transport is brilliant, the amenities are great and there’s no shortage of green space.”

RYAN

LANGE Accountant, 33 Fulham

“The bars and restaurants provide a really geat buzz, and having a local premiership team is great. Plus Clapham, Putney and Shepherd’s Bush are only a bus ride away.”

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41

WORLDVIEW

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‘You can vernacular right off, buddy’

F-WORD OFFICIALLY NOW ‘VERNACULAR’ AUSTRALIA A snack-maker has won approval to call its product “Nuckin Futs” after authorities accepted the f-word was part of the country’s vernacular.

The trademark regulator overturned a ruling last year that the name was an “obvious spoonerism” and was shameful and inappropriate, finding instead that “nuts” and “fucking” were not offensive and were “now part of the universal discourse of the ordinary Australian”.

Indeed, the word was accidentally dropped in a recent live speech by communications minister Stephen Conroy, who oversees the country’s broadcasting standards.

TWEETS OF THE WEEK

@AndyDaglas: The Wikipedia blackout presents a horrifying picture of a world with no knowledge. So does the Fox News website, which is running normally. @jimmycarr: Why is everyone giving Gary Glitter such a hard time - he just wants to settle down & have kids. @Waterstones: I saw the apostrophe on my way to work this morning. It’s not looking too well.

ONE-MAN SPERM BANK A ‘DONOR-SEXUAL’ UNITED STATES A California man who has fathered 14 kids by donating his sperm claims he is a “donor-sexual” who has never actually had sex in his life.

“I coined this term ‘donor-sexual’ and I’ll explain it means 100 percent of my sexual energy is for producing sperm for 42

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Happy St Anton’s Day: No, it’s not a scene from Brokeback Mountain 2: Saddles Of Fire but rather an odd ritual from the village of San Bartolome de Pinares in Spain, where, in honor of San Anton, the patron saint of animals, horses are ridden through bonfires.

That’s a strange way to honour them. Do they ride Irishmen instead on St Patrick’s Day?

childless couples to have babies,” Trent Arsenault said in an interview on US TV. Arsenault, 36, added he does not have any sexual activity outside producing his sperm samples.

“I will probably be the 40-year-old virgin,” he said. “Except I’ll have 15-plus kids.”

SHAMELESS SEX MARS TV INTERVIEW UNITED KINGDOM Viewers of a televised debate on Scottish TV may have been distracted by scenes behind one of the pundits.

Dan Hodges, a Labour blogger, was in the London studios of ITN, discussing Ed Miliband’s leadership with Scottish

politician William Bain, when a sex scene began to play on one of the monitors behind him.

Complaints followed, including this one: “Someone should explain why, while watching the political debate about Ed Miliband, some irresponsible employee decided to watch porn in the studio while live on TV.” Relax – it wasn’t porn, but rather a scene from Channel 4 drama Shameless.

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THIS WEEK

IN NUMBERS 2 Nothing gets your daffodils going like a pinch of Viagra

Cost, in Aussie dollars, of upgrades to a Tasmanian race track, now closed due to a rabbit digging up the track

VIAGRA THE KEY FOR KEEN GARDENERS UNITED KINGDOM British TV gardener David Domoney has an unusual tip for perking up his flowers: fertilisng them with a pinch of erectile dysfunction drug Viagra.

Apparently, just 1mg of the libidoboosting blue pill gives drooping blooms a lift and extends their life.

“Drop in a standard Viagra tablet … it stiffens up your blooms a treat,” Domoney has advised on his website. “Just 1mg – there are 50mg in a single tablet – dissolved into water with your plants will make them last a week longer.”

Viagra contains nitric oxide, a hormone released by humans that enables blood vessels to relax and increases blood flow to the penis. Plants also give off nitric oxide to turn on their immune system.

MENSROOM GAMES THE NEW FRONTIER

Photos: TradeMe, Getty, Thinkstock

JAPAN Sega has leaked glimpses of its new game consoles, known as ‘Toylets’, which will be mounted above urinals in the gents’ loos at Japanese bars.

Men rely on the speed and volume of their urine to play. For example, in Splashing Battle, the user takes on the previous visitor in a virtual fight based on stream strength. In Violent Wind Warning Has Been Issued, the player tries to blow up a virtual girl’s skirt with a digital wind, also dependent on the power of his flow.

Sega has so far installed about 130 Toylets at about 100 bars and restaurants across the country, at a cost of 150,000 yen (£1,220) apiece.

Animal cruelty charges faced by a New Zealand man who painted birds to make people think they’d discovered new species

8bn

Worth, in US dollars, of the porn industry, which is threatening to leave California over laws mandating condom use

Eggs used by Star Wars fans to make a life-size cake in the form of an Imperial Storm Trooper for a sci-fi convention

Tina Beznec: what could go wrong?

WOMAN SELLS ARSE TO HIGHEST BIDDER NEW ZEALAND A New Zealand woman has taken the extraordinary step of auctioning a space on her bum for the highest bidder to use for a tattoo.

Tina Beznec, 23, from Lower Hutt, put a 9cm x 9cm space up for auction on the Trade Me website, spruiking ‘YOUR tattoo on my bum’.

“Ok so 20% of the auction winnings will go to a charity of your choice and the rest will go to me, I deserve it, I have been made redundant TWICE over the past year,” she wrote, suggesting the space might be used for a business promotion or a marriage proposal. She later said: “I feel very confident that they aren’t going to do anything racist. I don’t care if it’s a swear word or something like that.”

Bidding in the auction had already rocketed past $10,000 (£5,180) at the end of last week.

30M

208

QUOTE OF THE WEEK Brooklyn said ‘Daddy, I need some rubbers’.

I looked over at our friends from the US and they were in shock. He now calls them erasers David Beckham recalls a ‘lost in translation’ moment involving his 12-year-old son

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TNT puts the world to rights

COMMENT: REBECCA KENT

Brick shithouse: Marsh shows off her physique

rebecca.kent@tntmagazine.com

Some jobs are boring, others simply dead boring

Photos: Discovery Channel

So he held a severed head and laughed? Cut him some slack

Moral warriors are in a flap over images found on a mobile phone that show a gleeful embalmer holding aloft a severed head. “It’s vile!” they shrieked, as the photos went viral on the internet. Speaking about the mortuary worker, identified as Aylesbury David Amor, a neighbour huffed: “It’s disgusting. They live here now and I hope it will be ‘lived here’ soon.”

If the British Institute of Embalmers had its way, the guy would be given a swift kick out the field altogether. Its strict code of ethics stipulates every body handled must be treated with respect.

Yes, you could say his actions are in poor taste but, in his defence, if you worked with dead people all day, your sense of humour would be twisted, too. My funeral director friend is always updating his Facebook status with insensitive – but mildly amusing – jokes.

I guess it’s quiet in his office.

There’s the rub. People who work in the death industry are desensitised – they have to be in order to carry out the job without freaking out on a regular basis (just check out our feature on P24 for proof). And before we start storming the halls of moral degeneracy, remember what dud jobs they have. I doubt there are hordes of people dying (sorry!) to to fill Amor’s boots. So, the least we can do is afford the lad the need to make light of his lifeless days in the office. His job is to disinfect dead bodies, for goodness sake. And he does this so we are not left with an undesirable last memory of our loved ones.

Amor doesn’t deserve to be hauled over the coals for this indiscretion. A reminder not to become too complacent should suffice. If anyone can be accused of inappropriateness at work, it’s Francesco Schettino, the captain who got so excited about waving to his friends on the island of Giglio he ran Costa Concordia aground, and killed at least 11 people in doing so. Amor’s actions were foolish, but let’s not lose all perspective. » Does David Amor deserve punishment? letters@tntmagazine.com

OURVIEW

JODIE MARSH MUSCLES IN The newly chiselled physique of former glamour model Jodie Marsh has stirred up some hot debate over whether her bod is hot or not.

The Essex girl appears in a documentary tomorrow (Tues) that follows her eightweek pursuit to develop a muscly structure that would ultimately win her a bodybuilding competition.

She emerged from her gruelling regime looking like a muscled turd. Had she done her last chin-up at, say the four-week mark, we may have been discussing one eminently enviable figure. Instead, Marsh continued until she got ripped like Conan

“

She emerged looking like a muscled turd

”

the Barbarian, and, fuck me, what an effort. Regardless of the time she had at her disposal, the weights don’t curl themselves.

If we all trained at the gym with the intensity, focus and drive that she clearly has, we’d have honed physiques – and we could stop bitching about that postChristmas fat we’re too lazy to work off.

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

45

Celebrate or repent?

Australia’s national day has become a flashpoint in the debate about the rights and welfare of Aboriginals WORDS TOM STURROCK

In any discussion of Australian life, of national identity, it doesn’t take long to reach the open wound of the indigenous plight. Their dispossession and disadvantage – they lag miles behind white Australia in every metric of quality of life – remains the most intractable, yawning divide in Australian politics; a mess as tangled as any consensus about how to unpick it is elusive. Inevitably, then, with Australia Day approaching, the indigenous issue resurfaces – the day, of course, commemorates the arrival of the First Fleet in 1788. Accordingly, this year an anti-Australia Day protest and discussion group will be held in London, marking the alternative: Invasion Day. The event will be held at the Bank of Ideas in Sun St – just around the corner from Liverpool Street station – the new permanent residence of the Occupy movement and a forum for debate and grassroots action. According to Invasion Day co-organiser Vivenne Black, it was a logical host for the event, which will feature a screening of Samson And Delilah, an Australian film set in a remote community, followed by a discussion of indigenous issues.

“Australia Day has become this tradition of unabashed celebration, essentially of what it means to be a white Australian, but it’s all about ignoring the realities of how we came to be Australian,” Black says. “So this event is absolutely a protest against that and a gesture of solidarity with indigenous communities.

“It’s not a conversion mission, or an attack on people who want to celebrate the day, but hopefully it can raise some awareness that Australia and being Australian isn’t just a given.”

Black, 30, is from Melbourne and has been in London for 18 months. Having studied Australian history and worked in social justice, her consciousness is particularly pricked by the blinkered complacency of it all – white Australians, rich, well-fed and happy, celebrating their good fortune while 46

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

airbrushing the indigenous experience and its attendant, parallel suffering.

“People across the globe do that – it’s not just Australians,” she says. “If there are no particular imperatives, then why do anything about it? The point is that it affects people in our communities – indigenous people are not non-existent – people become complacent about it by tuning it out.

“For me, as a white Australian, it affects my experience of Australia – this blanket of denial about what Australia Day means. We’re only getting half the picture, so this event is about being honest.”

“

There’s a blanket of denial about the day

”

This, of course, is where worldviews collide. In Australia, there already exists a cottage industry of commentators and polemicists united in opposition to the narrative codified in events like Invasion Day. Their rallying point is the refusal to accept that the ills of the Australian Aboriginal can be attributed wholesale to the arrival of Europeans, or that any celebration of the country Australia has become must be silhouetted by a eulogy for the indigenous way of life.

Most controversially, historian Keith Windschuttle has argued that colonial violence and racism has been systematically exaggerated and the forcible removal of Aboriginal children from their families – the Stolen Generations – is a myth. More recently, prominent poet and essayist Patrick McCauley, writing in The Australian, took a blowtorch to post-colonial guilt.

“Before European settlement the land that was to become

Clockwise: the Bank of Ideas; a Reconciliation demonstration on the Sydney Harbour Bridge; life in remote Aboriginal communities

Photos: Getty

Australia had not been mapped and it had no name.

Australia is a whitefella word,” McCauley writes.

“Before European settlement, the landmass was inhabited by about 500,000 Aboriginal people with hundreds of different language groups and minimal communication or trade between them. There was no farming and, compared with European standards, life was short and brutal.”

It is, in effect, an argument that there was no Australia – nothing recognisable as a country – before European settlement. By extension, Australia’s identity as a modern, first-world country has little to do with the indigenous experience and those arguing otherwise are misguided.

“These people are blinded more by a fetish for the primitive than a love for the Aboriginal people,” McCauley writes. ”The modern human life in Australia is much longer and larger, much more creative than was the primitive indigenous life.”

It is hard to identify any middle ground between such polarised views of the indigenous experience and how best to reference it on Australia Day. It appears destined to remain a source of tension, contested territory. And, perhaps, the mere acknowledgement of complexity, of more than one side to the story, represents a broadening of horizons.

“I do see why they hate the day, the introduction of whites to their land has caused generations of Aboriginals to be treated like second-class citizens ... a stigma that still haunts them today,” TNT reader Tara Maddy writes on Facebook.

“However, as a white and very proud Aussie, I love Australia Day. It is a day to celebrate the wonderful country that we call home. I feel lucky to have been born into such a beautiful land. I wish everyone would see it the way I do, instead of the anniversary of something horrible and destructive.”

Invasion Day at the Bank of Ideas, Sun St, on 26 January from 7.30pm bankofideas.org.uk Liverpool Street

AN ONGOING SORE POINT HOWARD’S INTERVENTION In 2007, the John Howard government responded to claims of rampant child sexual abuse in remote Northern Territory communities with a $587m reform package, often referred to simply as ‘the intervention’.

Operation Outreach, backed by 600 soldiers, implemented a raft of changes to welfare provision, medical care and law enforcement but has been criticised (above) for being open-ended and riding roughshod over the communities it purports to protect.

“It was an ambiguous intervention that hasn’t really met its objectives and it’s undermined the autonomy of these indigenous communities,” Black says.

“It would be great to have better health outcomes for these communities, but there’s been a push for them to break up and move more regionally. The government hasn’t been supporting these communities so much as trying to change them.”

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47

SPORTNEWS

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Going solo: Matthew Johns

JOHNS AND VAUTIN CLASH OVER TOP JOB RUGBY LEAGUE Matthew Johns made a name for himself as the funny man on Channel Nine’s rugby league Footy Show before leaving in the aftermath of a sex scandal – now, he would only return if host Paul Vautin is sacked.

Johns, now working on breakfast radio, claimed Channel Nine pursued him to return to a revamped programme. “What excited me when I first made contact was they asked me if I was interested in coming back to basically a new show,” Johns said.

“They said, ‘We’re going to reinvent the show’ but, for mine, it’s not going to be reinvented. I don’t want to go back to the past. I (enjoyed) my time on that show ... but it’s going to be the same show and I’ve been there and done that.”

SCHWASS TALKS UP AFL IN NEW ZEALAND AUSTRALIAN RULES Former North Melbourne and Sydney player Wayne Schwass has made the left-field suggestion that the next step in the AFL’s expansion should include playing games in New Zealand.

“I would like to see a home-and-away fixture taken there,” Schwass, an assistant coach for the New Zealand Hawks, said.

“We are into Tasmania, the AFL are exploring China, and I understand that from a commercial point of view, but New Zealand is three hours across the ditch.”

Schwass even alluded to the chance of setting up a team across the Tasman.

“It’s important to recognise that we are not going to replace rugby union because it is part of New Zealand’s DNA,” he said.

“But there are 15 spots available to play for the All Blacks and you need to be special.”

48

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

Sent flying: Poor conditions last week truncated New Zealand’s national surfing championships, held at Auckland’s Piha Beach, with waves too small to facilitate proper competiton, although, in the case of one competitor, the waves were still powerful enough to send him sprawling several feet into the air after wiping out

OCCY BACK ON BOARD FOR AUSTRALIAN OPEN

BIG WEEK FOR ...

SURFING

The Australian cricket team might have their tails up but wicketkeeper Brad Haddin is staring down the barrel. Since the start of 2011, his keeping hasn’t set the world on fire and he’s averaged just 19 from 17 innings with the bat.

Haddin will be 35 come the next Ashes and looks mentally spent.

He needs runs in Adelaide to stave off challenges from new boys Tim Paine and Matt Wade.

Former world champion Mark Occhilupo will return to competitive surfing next month as part of the inaugural Australian Open event at Sydney’s Manly beach.

Although the competition will not be a fully-fledged part of the World Tour, Joel Parkinson, runner-up last year to Kelly Slater, welcomed the return of pro surfing to Sydney’s beaches.

“I remember as a kid there were all these huge contests down at Narrabeen or Manly,” Parkinson said. “But the Sydney contests kind of dried up just as I got on tour. It’s great to finally have another big contest down there after all this time.”

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QUOTES OF THE WEEK Before Mr Glazer bought Manchester United, he didn’t know there was air in the ball Bayern Munich president Uli Hoeness has a pop at Manchester United owner Malcolm Glazer. Nice line

Paceman Ben Hilfenhaus has led Australia’s resurgence

PREVIEW Australia out to press home dominance AUSTRALIA V INDIA, FOURTH TEST

FROM MONDAY MIDNIGHT, SKY SPORTS 1 Hours after Australia humiliated India in Perth to take an unassailable 3-0 series lead, the side’s coach, Mickey Arthur, unabashedly started talking about the “real objectives”.

They, of course, involve regaining the Ashes in 2013 and, hand-in-glove, top spot in the Test rankings. It is premature – this side was humbled by New Zealand a couple of months ago – but the shellacking of India has been such a revelation that

it has quickened pulses and heightened ambitions in the Australian camp.

There are, though, still plenty of weak points in the Australian side. The pace bowling has been remarkable, suggesting Mitchell Johnson may have played his last Test for Australia, but spinner Nathan Lyon has had a lean series. Equally, selectors would love to see Shaun Marsh and Brad Haddin spend some more time at the crease.

Above all, they must guard against complacency. Considering how poor India have been, this series win must be the first of several for it to mean anything.

THE CHAT | Tevez chasing Paris payday

The Ivory Coast are like Arsenal. The Ivory Coast have not won a trophy since 1992 … we say we are going to win it and then we miss out Arsenal’s Gervinho will represent Ivory Coast at the African Nations. Not sure Gunners fans will enjoy the comparison

I thought, ‘If I keep going like this I will be 100 by lunch’ and all of a sudden I was sitting on my bum back in the change room Australian opener Ed Cowan needs to cash in on some promising starts if he is to nail down a regular spot

TV HIGHLIGHTS

Photos: Getty

TENNIS talk that exiled Manchester City striker Q There’s Carlos Tevez is off to Paris Saint-Germain in a deal worth more than £70m. For real? and it’s absolutely bananas. It’s worth noting A Apparently, that, according to reports, the transfer fee would be £31m and the £43m would be Tevez’s wages over three-and-a-half years, along with a ridiculous £8.3m signing fee. Given Tevez has shown himself to be a surly, sulky git, how can he possibly be worth that kind of moolah? A lot of it is to do with PSG wanting to announce their arrival at the top table of the world’s richest clubs. Throwing a shitload of cash at a player like Tevez is the ultimate dog-whistle, letting every other money-hungry Big baby: Tevez player know that PSG’s offers are worth listening to.

Australian Open Catch the second week from Melbourne Every day midnight, British Eurosport

RUGBY UNION England Saxons v Irish Wolfhounds A curtain-raiser for the Six Nations Saturday 4.30pm, Sky Sports 1

AMERICAN FOOTBALL Pro Bowl: NFC v AFC America’s finest go head-to-head Sunday 11.30pm, Sky Sports 1 TNTMAGAZINE.COM

49

SPORTVIEW

TNT puts the world to rights

COMMENT: TOM STURROCK tom.sturrock@tntmagazine.com

Lleyton Hewitt (left) has been usurped by Bernard Tomic as Australian tennis’s leading man

Tomic has already eclipsed Hewitt in popularity stakes The unloved former world No 1 didn’t exactly set a high benchmark

» Agree or disagree? Do you prefer Bernard Tomic to Lleyton Hewitt? letters@tntmagazine.com 50

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Sure, the Ashes are a big deal but, when it comes to cricketing schadenfreude, rubbing India’s noses in it is like bathing in champagne.

With its financial muscle and vast demographic advantage, India has distorted the cricketing landscape. Worse, they think they have every right to. Ask Shane Bond. New Zealand’s finest paceman since Richard Hadlee was forced into international exile in his prime when the Indian cricket board pressured the Black Caps to stop picking their best player – Bond, you see, had signed with the Indian Cricket League, a T20 comp not sanctioned by the Indian board.

“

India’s is a special kind of cowardice

”

Indian cricketers may puff out their chests and tell the world they won’t be intimidated by anyone but, meanwhile, their board fiddles and finagles to avoid facing an opponent on level-footing. It’s a special, detestable kind of chickenhawk cowardice. A whitewash is all they deserve.

Photos: Getty

During the past week, Australian tennis fans have had a good look at Bernard Tomic, their new standard-bearer in the men’s game and, although it’s still early days, it’s fair to say they prefer him to their old one. Lleyton Hewitt, of course, was Australia’s only player for much of the past decade and proved the rare exception to the usually reliable axiom that everyone loves a winner.

Make no mistake – Tomic is the real deal. He’s not going to fade into obscurity any time soon, becoming a ‘whatever happened to…?’. He’s currently ranked 38th, making him the world’s top teenager, and it would be no surprise, barring injury, to see that cut in half by the end of this year. He’s already shown that, even if he’s not quite ready to take it up to the big four, he can mix it with the players in the next bracket and below.

Hewitt was even more precocious than Tomic – at the same age, he was already in the top 10 and, at age 20, won the US Open and became world No 1. Yet the Australian public never truly warmed to him, deeming him too combative, too belligerent. Still, those fighting qualities could have endeared him more had there been the odd lashing of personality. But there just never seemed to be anything more to Hewitt – precious little humour or charisma to leaven the dourness and on-court histrionics. Maybe it’s unfair – sport is about winning and not necessarily about being the nicest bloke in the world.

But it meant that, although the public admired Hewitt’s single-mindedness, they never properly embraced him as ‘their man’ the way they did Pat Rafter in the late Nineties.

Tomic, for a time, ran the risk of similar alienation – his boundless self-confidence and teenage sulkiness sent up red flags – but those missteps have been forgiven and, although still willing to back himself aggressively, Tomic seems better able than Hewitt to wink at his own bravado. He might be up himself but he wears it well, with a cheekiness that is vastly more appealing than Hewitt’s blunt force. Good thing. Because he’s just getting started.

INDIAN CRICKET DESERVES SCORN

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Fresh starts all round Aussie league legend Craig Gower and the London Broncos both begin a new chapter WORDS TOM STURROCK

In the overlapping realms of the two rugby codes, Craig Gower has done his share of world tours, his passport bulging with stamps after crisscrossing borders, clubs and formats. Having made his name in Australian rugby league – where he played 238 games during 11 years for Penrith, representing his state and country along the way – Gower moved to France to play rugby union and also played 13 matches for Italy, but missed the World Cup through injury. Now 33, he’s back playing league, having joined the London Broncos, a club that, like their star recruit, has been reinvented a few times.

“It’s been a bit of a change of fitness and the kind of training I’ve been doing but, otherwise, I’ve gotten back into it OK,” Gower says of the return to the code that made him a household name in Australia. “I didn’t play the World Cup because of injury, and I guess I still had that burning desire to play and see if I could still do it. There’s still plenty to achieve – it’s a new organisation with new players coming in. We want to get a good squad together and give it a real shot this season.”

The Broncos, though, are not strictly a new organisation – they competed in the first edition of Super League in 1996 before entering into a partnership with Harlequins rugby union and playing, perhaps confusingly, as Harlequins RL. At the end of last year, though, the club announced they would be reverting to the Broncos nickname, adopting a new strip and recruiting aggressively. So it’s understandable that, although the Broncos are not strictly debutants, their rebranding feels like a new chapter.

“With the new players coming in – I think we’ve signed 10 guys – there’s a fresh feel to the squad but we really feel that we can achieve something,” Gower says of the influx of new talent, which includes two players from Manly’s NRL premiership side in Michael Robertson and Shane Rodney, as well as two other Australians, Michael 52

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Witt and Mark Bryant, cherry-picked from the now-defunct Welsh franchise, the Crusaders.

For his part, Gower has enjoyed a soft landing in London – having resettled in Bayonne after making his last move, he considers his UK jaunt far more user-friendly.

“It’s been great – I’ve settled in really well. It’s when you live in a different country where you don’t speak the language that you really struggle,” the flyhalf says. “In Bayonne, I was living in a village and you’d have snow on the beach, so, by comparison, it’s not been too cold over here. It’s been pretty good, I reckon.”

Gower’s addition to the Broncos squad is, of course, just one plank in an ambitious project to propel London’s only Super League club toward the playoffs and carve out a niche in the capital, where league has traditionally been unloved.

According to Gus Mackay, the Broncos chief executive, cosmetic changes, like the club’s rebranding, must go hand-in-hand with on-field improvement.

“We surveyed our fans and a majority of people wanted London in the name and the club thought that was a good idea as well but we initially discarded the Broncos nickname to encourage people to come up with something new and hopefully be a bit creative,” Mackay says. “But, at the final hurdle in the process, we found people wanted to go back to the Broncos name because of the associations with the success we had in the 1990s.

“We wanted to look at the things we were able to get right quickly and one of those was making sure we have a strong presence on the field. So we’ve signed 10 new players – if we can get it right with our performance, then it makes it much easier for us to market the club.”

The new Super League kicks off on February 3 and, the following day, the Broncos will be hosting St Helens, one of the traditional powerhouses and last year’s runners-up, at their home ground, Twickenham Stoop. It will be, Mackay

LONDON’S ONLY SUPER LEAGUE CLUB

ST HELENS

LONDON BRONCOS Gower suited up for Italy’s rugby team against Australia (top); after captaining Penrith

KO: 3.00PM DATE: 04/02/12

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Photos: Getty

ALL ADULT TICKETS £10 says, the first step toward a season of dramatic and sustained improvement – last year, a promising start to the competition was scuttled when the team dropped off alarmingly and ended up 12th of 14 teams.

“We were top of Super League after five games last year but then fell away,” Mackay says, before forecast a return to the upper echelon this season. “So our performances have let us down. We’ve got to get to the play-offs and hopefully have a good run in the Challenge Cup and just, overall, be performing consistently and be competitive.”

Mackay acknowledges that, in London, a ready-made market of league-loving expats has gone largely untapped.

In future, the Broncos will be hoping to more effectively coopt antipodeans looking for a London club to support while living in the UK. “There’s a market for it – Australians and Kiwis love their rugby league and I don’t think we’ve been fully aware of that market: people who come to London for a number of years and still want to watch some rugby league,” Mackay says. “We just want to let people know, it’s on your doorstep – you can come and watch it on a Saturday afternoon. It starts with St Helens on February 4 so, to the man on the street, here’s a big game for you to come and see.”

If the Broncos and Gower are a perfect match in that they are both making fresh starts, there is an equally satisfying rhyme in both having complicated pasts – although the Broncos are alone in being willing to revisit theirs. Gower’s last months playing in Australia were marred by a string of alcohol-related indiscretions and, although, it is the lot of professional footballers to be reminded of their high-profile mistakes, as far as Gower is concerned, he has learned his lessons and come a long way since.

“You’re always getting older and wiser and everyone makes mistakes,” Gower says. “But we move on; the past is the past and I’m just keen to get on with it.”

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TRAVEL LATE DEALS | HOTSHOTS | TRAVEL TIPS | TOP FIVE | TOURS | BIG TRIP IMAGE OF THE WEEK

TAMING OF THE BULL A youngster tries to tame a bull at the Pongal festival in Palamedu, Tamil Nadu. Jallikattu is the name of the traditional sport, which forbids the challenger to use a weapon and should not conclude with killing the animal.

Pongal marks the end of harvest and is believed to usher in good fortune.

Photos: Aaron Davies, John Freeman, Getty

INSIDE

HOME RUN /58

POWDER PARTY /68

INTO THE WILD /74

The Olympics will bring masses of tourists to London, but the Home Counties could clean up, too. Here’s our pick of the provinces.

If you love après ski just as much as sliding on the slopes, then strap on your ski boots and practise your moves. Ischgl’s got it all.

Tibet is already a remote spot on the traveller trail. But straying even further off the track into the south-east is a real adventure.

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55

TRAVELDIARY Laura Chubb

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Let it burn: Scots celebrate Viking roots

ACTING TRAVEL EDITOR

CAPTAIN COWARD I think it’s fair to say that ‘Captain Coward’ Francesco Schettino isn’t the most popular guy in the world right now. For me, his apparent betrayal of the passengers on the Costa Concordia dredges up the most deep-seated fears that I have about travelling: putting your life in the hands of another human being – a stranger – without much choice in the matter.

UP HELLY AA Lerwick, Shetland Islands In a stirring display of good old-fashioned barbarism, packs of Scots dressed as Vikings parade through this sea port’s streets, brandishing 31 burning torches, and then set fire to a replica Viking longship to round things off. The fiery festivities create some seriously dramatic scenes, transforming the small town into a rowdy assemblage of rip-roaring raucousness.

JAN

WHY: The Shetland Islands were under Norse – or pre-Christian Scandinavian – rule until 1469, so Up Helly Aa is a gung-ho effort to honour that heritage. Setting fire to the boat echoes how the Norse would set alight a longship to celebrate the rebirth of the sun at winter solstice, or Yule.

CHINESE NEW YEAR Beijing, China

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uphellyaa.org

HONG KONG ARTS FESTIVAL Hong Kong

Considering the sheer volume of Chinatowns 23 around the world, you’re never likely to be far from a Chinese New Year party. But the country’s capital isn’t a bad place to see it in, all the same. Temples including the Lama stage fairs, and fireworks scatter the skies all over town.

JAN

cnto.org

CIRCUS FESTIVAL OF MONTECARLO Montecarlo, Monaco

If you have the clown fear, we advise you avoid this 1019-29 day festival of red noses and custard pies at all costs. Otherwise, enjoy performers from the world over.

JAN

montecarlofestival.mc/en

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DO IT BECAUSE: Aside from the awesome photos and incredible atmosphere, Up Helly Aa is also one hell of a do. There’s dancing and not-so-wee drams at parties all over town, which keep up the momentum long into the night.

This three-month-long arts extravaganza celebrates the 28 best in contemporary opera, dance, music and theatre, at both a local and international level. You can catch some really world-class stuff; Mikhail Baryshnikov, the Bolshoi Theatre and the Paris Opera Ballet have all featured in the past.

JAN

hk.artsfestival.org/en

SNOW POLO

Courchevel, France For an alternative après ski activity to getting 26-29 annihilated (see P57 and P68), try snow polo at this resort.

Powder White offers some good deals.

JAN

powderwhite.com

Photos: Getty

Possibly it’s because I’m a control freak of Monica-from-Friends magnitude, combined with a paranoia borne of an overactive imagination that would be funny were it not so crazy (I quite seriously suspected my lovely, law-abiding, churchgoing landlord of plotting to sex traffic me once).

But whenever I get on a plane, a ferry or a bus, I wonder about the person in control of the vessel.

Did they get much sleep last night?

Are they hungover? Do they have a smack addiction that has blossomed from the pressures of the job, and are they currently slumped over the controls with a needle dangling from their eyeball?

The cripplingly terrifying fact is that the people who hold our precarious little lives in their hands are exactly that – people – and are prone to error. Disasters akin to that of the Concordia are rare, but they do and will continue to happen. It’s a risk – however small – that we all take when we travel.

The reason that Schettino’s behaviour is so despicable – should it have been what we’re led to believe – is that it was his own monumental fuck-up that sank the ship, and he didn’t have the courage to try to atone for his mistake.

OK, the guy’s a human, and humans aren’t so brave sometimes.

But maybe those types of humans shouldn’t voluntarily put themselves in a position where they’re responsibile for people’s lives.

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PISSED ON THE PISTE Skiing and snowboarding while pissed is the most common cause of accidents on the slopes for British travellers, new research by Santander Insurance has revealed. The survey found 31 per cent of those who had taken a tumble on the snow had done so because they were still under the influence from either a lunchtime session or a heavy night before. The study into accidents on the slopes also showed almost a quarter of respondents admitted to hitting the powder without first taking any lessons – and a delusional 17 per cent said they had attempted to navigate pistes with only the knowledge they had gleaned from a games console. Crackers.

ROOMS BY THE HOUR Some of London’s most luxurious hotels are to begin renting rooms by the hour, allegedly to afford busy businesstypes downtime in between meetings. The St John Hotel in Soho and the Beaufort Hotel in Knightsbridge are just a couple of the swanky spots launching what sounds like a less-than-salubrious practice, which reminds us more of the ‘love hotel’ industry in Japan. Perhaps Romeos on a budget should consider it for a cheap Valentine’s getaway. No doubt you’ll be accompanied by the sounds of various other guests “relaxing” by the hour.

CRUISE CONTROL A war of words over safety in the cruise industry has broken out following the sinking of the Costa Concordia off the coast of Italy last week. Commenting on the disaster, Penny Guy from the UK’s Passenger Shipping Association insisted: “People must remember that a cruise is one of the safest forms of holiday that can be taken. Incidents of this nature are isolated and very rare.” But Allan Graveson, senior national secretary of the Nautilus union, accused operators of loading ships with too many decks and “putting profits before safety”.

KING OF BACKPACKERS Ever watched I’m A Celebrity …. Get Me Out Of Here! and figured you could do better yourself? Now you can prove it, thanks to a new competition by Qantas and Gold Coast tourism.

Six backpackers will be flown to Aus to have a go at some bushtucker trials and the chance to be crowned Backpacker King or Queen of the Jungle – with some surfing and sweet hotel stays thrown in. All you need to do is film a oneminute video explaining why you’ve got what it takes, and then pull in the most ‘likes’ on YouTube. Check out gapyear.com for more.

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The white cliffs of Dover: far more picturesque than the town itself

ENGLAND

Olympic getaways ENGLAND

St Albans Windsor

Southendon-Sea

LONDON

Portsmouth

Dover Canterbury

Canterbury Cathedral

Not Dubai; this is Portsmouth

St Albans beer fest

Walk the worldâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s longest pier in Essex 58

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UKTRIP

Home run The Olympics will bring masses of tourists to London, but the Home Counties could clean up, too WORDS LAURA CHUBB

This summer, millions of people will flock into England’s capital to watch, and be part of, the Olympics. And this formidable influx of tourists will make it a time for not only the capital, but also the Home Counties, to shine.

Throngs of newcomers looking for something to do outside of the city will find plenty in the surrounding provinces, but here’s our pick of the less obvious hotspots encircling London. Tick them off for yourself if you feel the need to make frequent escapes from the sporting mayhem.

Canterbury, Kent Narrow medieval alleys and a World Heritage-listed cathedral are just one side of this historical town, immortalised in Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales and synonymous with the Church of England’s archbishop. Follow up a historic river tour or ghost walk with lively ancient pubs and student mainstays such as industrial-chic, three-tiered club Baa Bars.

See: canterbury.co.uk Get there: Single train tickets from £26; 1hr from London King’s Cross (southeasternrailway.co.uk)

Photos: Doug Harding, Vicky Maynard, Terry Richards Photography, Getty, Thinkstock

Dover, Kent The town itself is quite the hole – grotty pubs, social undesirables lurking in dark corners – which is why most see little more of Dover than the ferry terminal. But the iconic white cliffs are well worth exploring. You can walk or bike a few miles of rugged paths along the chalky cliff-tops, formed more than half a million years ago, or try out watersports at the foot of the cliffs in the summer.

See: whitecliffscountry.org.uk Get there: Single train tickets from £30; 1hr20mins from St Pancras (southeasternrailway.co.uk) Portsmouth, Hampshire This unbeautiful harbour city is the last place you’d expect to see a tower of Dubai-esque space-age stylings, and yet, come here and you will see one. Britain’s tallest viewing tower, the Spinnaker Tower gives 350-degree views of up to 23 miles, and has also started hosting stargazing nights. Juxtaposed against this modern marvel, at the Historic Dockyard, are the remains of the Mary Rose, Henry VIII’s favourite warship which sank in 1545. A castle, aquarium and

Charles Dickens’ birthplace should also keep you entertained.

See: visitportsmouth.co.uk; spinnakertower.co.uk Getting there: Single train tickets from £5; 1hr45mins from Waterloo or 2hrs from Victoria (southernrailway.com) Southend-on-Sea, Essex Your typical tacky seaside resort, enjoy Southend for what it is and pile on the clichés. Be a kid again at the arcades and amusement park Adventure Island. Then, after crashing into a sugar coma from the inevitable overdose of candyfloss and rock, wake up with a walk along the world’s longest pier (at 1.33 miles), built in 1830.

See: visitsouthend.co.uk Getting there: Single train tickets from £10.60; 1hr from Fenchurch Street or Liverpool Street (c2c-online.co.uk) Windsor, Berkshire True, it’ll no doubt be overrun with tourists over the Olympics, thanks to Windsor Castle and its status as the official residence of the Queen (not to mention that it’s the oldest and largest occupied castle in the world, with a history of almost 1000 years). Still, there’ll be a great atmosphere over summer, with crowds clamouring to watch the Changing of the Guard and folk taking scenic boat trips down the river.

See: windsor.gov.uk Getting there: Single train tickets from £9; 45mins from Waterloo (firstgreatwestern.co.uk) St Albans, Hertfordshire Yes, yes, this pretty spot in south-east England has loads of historical tidbits to its portfolio, including the fact that it’s named after England’s first Christian martyr. But even better, there’s a strong local tradition of beer appreciation. The annual St Albans beer festival is a four-day extravaganza of real ales in September; also, for a pint with personality, try the Ye Olde Fighting Cocks pub on Abbey Mill Lane, where Oliver Cromwell once lay his head.

See: stalbans.gov.uk; stalbansbeerfestival. com; yeoldefightingcocks.co.uk NEXT WEEK Getting there: Single train tickets Hidden Edinburgh: from £10.60; 25mins from St Pancras secret Scot spots (firstcapitalconnect.co.uk) ❚ TNTMAGAZINE.COM

59

LATEDEALS

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Explore beautiful Bruges for £159pp with Flight Centre

DEAL OF THE WEEK EGYPTIAN ODYSSEY

£217

A nine-day tour is £217pp with Travel Talk (0208 0998852; traveltalktours.com) Visiting Cairo, Pyramids, Sphinx, and more. Book by January 25; departs January 28.

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CRETE A seven-night trip to Crete is £399pp with Travelbag (0871 7034240; travelbag.co.uk).

Includes five-star, all-inclusive accommodation and flights from London Gatwick. Departs May 2.

ANZAC An eight-day ANZAC tour is now £339pp (save 15 per cent) with Travel Talk (0208 0998852; traveltalktours.com). The tour takes in Istanbul, Gallipoli, dawn service, Ephesus, Troy, and more.

Includes accommodation, some meals, guide, Bosphorus cruise, commemorative T-shirt, and more.

Excludes flights. Book by January 31; departs April 23.

IBIZA A seven-night trip to Ibiza is £319pp with Travelbag (0871 7034240; travelbag.co.uk).

Includes four-star, half-board accommodation and flights from London Gatwick. Departs on May 2.

> £500 USA An eight-day ‘Winter Western Highlights’ tour is £608pp (save £107pp) with Contiki (0845 0750990; contiki.com). Includes LA, San Diego, Phoenix, Grand Canyon, Las Vegas and more. Includes most meals and transport. Excludes flights.

Book by February 13; departs March 14.

JAMAICA A seven-night trip to Jamaica is £919pp with lowcostholidays.com (0844 3722399). Includes three-star, allinclusive accommodation in Falmouth (on Jamaica’s north coast) and flights from London Gatwick. Departs on February 28.

USA An eight-day ‘Winter California Highlights’ tour is £591pp (save £104pp) with Contiki (0845 0750990; contiki.com). Includes LA, San Francisco, Las Vegas, skiing Lake Tahoe and more. Includes most meals and transport. Excludes flights.

Book by February 13; departs March 20.

DAILY TRAVEL DEALS GO TO tntmagazine.com/travel/latedeals where new travel deals are updated daily.

There are more than 30 deals live at any time. Also sign up for TNT’s weekly travel newsletter, which will be emailed to you every Wednesday with the most up-to-date deals and guides to over 170 destinations.

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EGYPT A nine-day tour is £164pp (was £205pp) with Topdeck (topdeck.travel). Visiting Pyramids, Sphinx, Valley of the Kings, Abu Simbel and more. Includes accommodation, two nights aboard a Felucca sail boat, some meals, guides, and more. Departs February 4 and 28 and March 13.

ANZAC A five-day tour is £228pp (save 15 per cent) with Travel Talk (0208 0998852; traveltalktours. com). Visiting Istanbul, Gallipoli, dawn service and national ceremonies, Anzac Cove, and more. Includes accommodation, some meals, Bosphorus cruise, commemorative T-shirt, guide and more. Excludes flights. Book by January 31; departs April 26.

MALTA A seven-night trip is £166pp with easyJet Holidays (easyJet.com/holidays). Includes four-star, B&B accommodation and flights. Departs February 19.

BRUGES A two-night trip is £159pp (save £20pp) with Flight Centre (0844 8008624; flightcentre.co.uk), quoting reference BRULONVD1. Includes two nights’ three-star, B&B accommodation and all transport. Book by February 15; valid for travel between March 1-31.

ALGARVE A seven-night trip is £179pp with easyJet Holidays (easyJet.com/holidays). Includes accommodation and flights. Departs February 16.

£250 – £500

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LAILA PACHECO

HOTSHOTS WINNER

Talks travel photography

SUNRISE IN THE GOBI DESERT James Matthews, New Zealand

WINNER

WHY IT WORKS This cinematic scene, with such dramatic light and rich, deep colour, is so warm.

Not only is the landscape beautiful, with its many tones and textures, but the addition of the shadow adds another element. A quirky self-portrait? Whatever the thought behind why James placed himself in the image, it adds a twist, with him looking gigantic against the small huts in the horizon.

RUNNER-UP UNDER THE EIFFEL STARS Jacob Mineo, Melbourne, Australia

WHY IT WORKS It is often hard to capture something so photographed in a new light, without making it unidentifiable (unless that is the outcome you are trying to achieve). Jacob has managed to select an alternative angle and has provided an image of something old with a new twist.

RUNNER-UP

HOT TIPS: Lighting effects There are lots of fun things to do with shadows. The thing to remember is to interact with your environment and that the creative world is your oyster. One of the first things you are taught in photography is to avoid having shadows in your image, but rules are meant to be broken, right?

Understanding them will enable you to control them, so you can eliminate unwanted

ones and get playful effects with others.

It’s easy: light travels in straight lines, until it gets blocked – then its path will change.

If you put yourself in front of the light source, the light will have to filter around you, and the absence of light on the background will cause a shadow. This will create a lighting effect that you can then play around with.

Have fun.

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Upload your images to tntmagazine.com/hotshots First prize is a three-day tour of Scotland for two worth £218 from Haggis Adventures (haggisadventures.com). Must be taken within three months of receiving prize letter. The runner-up wins a £60 photography course voucher from Nigel Wilson Photography (photographycourses.org.uk).

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TOP FIVE

1

ROMANTIC BREAKS

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ROME, ITALY

Even before Audrey Hepburn and Gregory Peck drove off into the sunset on their moped in the 1953 classic love flick Roman Holiday, Rome had wormed its way into the hearts of romantics worldwide.

At every vista, every piazza and every fountain, there’s inspiration for the romantic in all of us.

As well as admiring such classic monuments as the Colosseum and St Peter’s Basilica, you can explore the Seven Hills, watch the world go by from the Spanish Steps, or sip Chianti in tucked-away piazzas.

A lovers’ break also wouldn’t be complete without soaking up the beautiful views of the fabled Trevi Fountain, a Baroque masterpiece and eternal symbol of love.

Gelato in hand, also stroll by the fountain of the Four Rivers at Piazza Navona. Don’t forget to throw in a coin and make a wish.

Though Rome has an energetic buzz about the place, urban sanctuaries away from the hubbub are never far off. Spend a late afternoon taking a 62 00

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stroll along the Tiber river and from the bohemian centre of Trastevere up to Janiculum Hill. The city vista at the crest – especially at sunset – is a view that could make any heart flutter.

You don’t have to be a pilgrim to appreciate the stunning approach to St Peter’s Square, the Via della Conciliazione, especially at night, when the Basilica is cast in warm light.

Take in the surroundings, turn back around to the Borgo Pio that surrounds Vatican City, and have a candlelit dinner at one of the restaurants.

Finally, it’s not uncommon to see lovers stealing kisses at Pincio gardens, while gazing over the magnificent Piazza del Popolo in Villa Borghese, Rome’s most popular park. Even lovebirds of the feathered kind dance flirtatiously upon the Pincio balcony.

So, if you’re looking for somwehere to profess your deepest affections come February 14, the only difficulty you’ll have is narrowing down your options.

You haven’t lived until you’ve loved in Rome, as they say. rome.info

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TOP FIVE CHECKING IN It really is wild

2

LAKE LOUISE, CANADA

Skate through the arches of a sculpted ice castle on a frozen lake, framed by the Rocky Mountains. Then, walk through the snow to a frozen waterfall and a momentous glacier.

When your toes get chilly, head inside for a hot chocolate by the window in the adjacent Chateau hotel.

Lake Louise may be just as beautiful in summer, but the snow gives it that romantic edge. Plus, you get to ski.

And where there’s ski, there’s après ski. fairmont.com/lakelouise

Photos: wildroverhostel.com

4

PARIS, FRANCE

With its striking setting of historic monuments and scenic bridges, plus its beautiful locals and rich food, there is nothing that isn’t romantic about Paris.

Strolling along the Seine, sharing a crêpe, walking hand-in-hand through a museum and kissing under the Eiffel Tower – they’re all the clichés. But you should also try taking a bottle of red and cheese to the Pont Des Arts at sunset. Views from the quays of the Île St-Louis are fab. parisinfo.com

3

YORKSHIRE DALES, UK

You haven’t really visited the Great British countryside until you’ve experienced the tumbling green Yorkshire Dales. And what’s more idyllic than staying where some of the best classic British books have been set?

For extra romance, book yourself and your other half into a log cabin with a hot tub and a roaring fire to return to after days spent hill-walking, having hearty pub lunches and maybe even a spot of saucy wild swimming. yorkshiredales.org.uk

5

VENICE, ITALY

A city of endless winding canals, its unique landscape gives Venice a magical quality seen nowhere else in the world.

The Queen of the Adriatic has a slew of romantic offerings bound to wow your lady- or manlove.

Drift by spectacular Renaissance-era statues and buildings on a gondola, walk hand-in-hand along narrow streets and through picturesque squares, and sample culinary delicacies of the Veneto, like risotto and prosecco. That’s love. venice-tourism.com

WILD ROVER OVERVIEW With backpacker hostels in prime locations including Cusco in Peru and La Paz in Bolivia, Wild Rover should feature at least once on any jaunt across South America – if you’re looking for a party hostel, that is.

After all, peace and quiet are unlikely to feature at an establishment with the word ‘wild’ in the title.

WOW FACTOR The Wild Rover in La Paz is the place to get the party started. Even guides from local tour operators turn up at the onsite bar because they know a good night starts here (and that there’ll be plenty of fresh meat for the pulling). Every night is a raucous orgy of downing shots and pool competitions, until it hits midnight, when guests and staff head on to the clubs together.

ROOMS Expect 10 to a dorm, but the beds are comfy and clean, and the rooms are big. Bathrooms are also spotless with plenty of hot showers to go round – which is rare in hotbeds of hedonism.

BILL PLEASE From £3.60pn.

Calle Comercio 1476, La Paz, Bolivia wildroverhostel.com

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READERS’ TIPS

YOU ASKED FOR IT...

LAURA LINDSAY FROM LONELY PLANET

partner and I would like to do an Q My Africa Overland trip in July. We want

girlfriend and I will be travelling to Q My Borneo Island in May/ June. As we’re

to do the Kenya to Cape Town route, and include gorilla trekking in the itinerary. Can you recommend any good tour operators, and other sights that I should make sure are included? Michael, via email

both keen on diving, snorkeling, hiking and canoeing, we’re thinking it would be best to spend most of our time in the Sabah area.

Could you suggest the spots that would be most suitable for tackling these activities?

Garyth, via email

you should be aware of the political A Firstly, situation in the countries that you plan

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is packed with incredible locations A Sabah for travellers seeking an active holiday. First off, start with the Semporna archipelago, which you are visiting at the best time for diving, as the waters are calmest between May and July.

Sipadan is just one of the many islands that make up the Semporna archipelago, and what an island it is. Incredible marine life makes it a must-visit for divers; turtles and reef sharks are commonly seen on dives and you are also likely to spot whale sharks, octopus, barracudas and manta rays. Booking dive trips in advance is essential here. There is a complicated permit process that means unless you book in advance, you could be left disappointed.

Next up, Mount Kinabulu (Malaysia’s highest mountain) for great hiking and great views.

Be warned, it’s no easy feat – the mountain is 4095m high. You will need a park permit, which is about £3, a climbing permit and insurance for a further £22, and a guide for the trek will set you back about £20. It is worth noting that the popularity of Sabah means planning ahead will reap rewards – permits for national parks and accommodation are best arranged in advance.

ON BROADWAY If you’re going to New York on a budget and want to see Broadway shows, be prepared. Sign up to broadwaybox.com or playbill.com/club, where prices for top shows are cheaper than the TKTS booth. You even avoid expensive booking fees.

Zoe Bown, via email

A LONELY PLANET GUIDE

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Photos: Getty

on travelling to. Kenya carries multiple travel warnings from the Foreign and Commonwealth Office (FCO). Political situations change in Africa quickly, so you should monitor the situation with the FCO and local news services (fco.gov.uk).

For unmissable experiences en route, there are too many to list, but must-sees include a trip to the Okavango Delta in Botswana, which you will be visiting at the best time of year (JulySeptember). It’s a great time for spotting wildlife, including elephants, buffalos and rhino. Also, the sheer size of Victoria Falls will blow you away.

Head to the visitors centre near the Zambian border post as there are a number of routes from here to view the falls. Entrance is about £6.50.

Acacia tours (acacia-africa.com) offers the “Ultimate African Adventure”, which includes gorilla trekking and the Victoria Falls. The tour is 46 days and costs £1349. Dragoman (dragoman. com) offers a 60-day tour for about £1900, including a chimpanzee trek as well as gorillas in Uganda. If this is way out of your budget, consider doing the trip yourself and only using organised tours for small elements.

GOOGLE GADGETS TIP With most people travelling OF THE with a smartphone these WEEK days, there are two really good – and free – apps I like to use. Google Maps: cache maps before you go and avoid expensive roaming charges. Google Goggles: take a picture of a street sign or menu in a foreign language and it will translate it for you. Never inadvertently order horse meat in France again!

Vanessa Vantol, via email

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BROOKLYN BRIDGE, NEW YORK Jo, Rebecca, Megan, Lauren, Hannah, Claire, Janine and Jess from NZ

BEST / WORST TRIP

THE TRAVELLER

KATE ASHTON, 27

SOPHIE HUTCHINSON, 26

Amersham, England

London, England

BEST It has to be when I travelled from Rio de Janeiro to San Francisco over four months, taking in seven countries along the way. My favourite place was Buenos Aires.

Having red wine, steak and ice cream all the time made me very happy indeed.

WORST The most disappointing place for me was New York. To be fair, we went at a really bad time as it was only six weeks after 9/11. It’s somewhere I must go back, as it’s a big hit with most people.

Most memorable travel experience?

I ran a half-marathon in the Sahara desert.

The heat and pain were tough, but the highlight was the family I stayed with. They were so generous, despite having nothing.

Scariest travel experience?

A terrifying taxi ride with a drunk cab driver to the Malawian border. All the guards were completely corrupt and wanted bribes to let us in, and I really had no idea what to do.

Ideal travel partner?

Joanna Lumley. It would be a laugh a minute.

» Tell us your best/worst trips, email laura.chubb@tntmagazine.com

SPLASHING OUT

BALI’S LUXURY VILLAGE This sumptuous hillside retreat in Bali’s central foothills is designed to resemble a traditional Balinese village – if those villages were steeped in five-star luxury.

The pool overlooks the plunging Ayung River valley below.

Rooms at Alila Ubud start at £145pn including taxes and breakfast for two. (alilahotels.com/ubud)

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THE INSIDER

DOUG MATHIESON, Programme director exploremontenegro. com

My first ever big trip was a road trip to Turkey in 1975 in a Volkswagen van that was older than me! We drove down the entire coast of the former Yugoslavia before the world of mobiles and sat nav. We got there and back without so much as a flat tyre and had a ball.

My most challenging travel experience was skiing in Ellmau in Austria with my five-year-old daughter who didn’t like heights, the cold or ski school.

My favourite place in the world is Montenegro – completely undiscovered, authentic, original, quirky and beautiful.

The next trip on my travel wishlist is the Ness of Brodgar on the Orkney Islands. This is a newly discovered archaeological site, which is being hailed as the most important find in the Northern Hemisphere.

My top travel tip is go there with an open mind and remember that travel is mostly about discovery.

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[Caption]out in the mountains; Niki’s Stadl Bar and the cable car (below, left) Rocking

Ischgl AUSTRIA

VIENNA Ischgl

AUSTRIA

GETTING THERE Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx From Dec-April Easyjet flies from Gatwick to Innsbruck (from £85, easyJet.com). If you’re going early in the season, or out of season, fly with Swiss International Airlines from Heathrow to Zurich (from £105, swiss.com)

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[Caption]into the snow; Ischgl’s own branch of Pacha (above) Getting

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Party in the powder If you love après ski just as much as sliding on the slopes, then strap on your ski boots and practise your moves. Ischgl’s got it all WORDS CLARE VOOGHT

Imagine a hip-hop video that takes place in a log cabin.

Except, instead of half-naked lovelies booty-shaking, picture people jumping around, dressed in ski gear and thermals, their moves hampered by heavy plastic ski boots. Then, switch the music to some Nineties-sounding Europop.

Ischgl’s après ski, by this logic, is like an inverted hip-hop video from two decades ago, without the hip-hop.

Ski boots are being waved in the air, people’s legs are dangling over the edge of the floor above, swinging to the beat. Shots are flowing (I’ve lost count of how many rounds have been bought). The music is loud. And it’s only 5pm.

When I arrived a day ago, a girl from Munich – dressed in a ski jacket, with a beer in her hand – told me she wasn’t here to do any skiing, she was here for the parties. Now, I’m not surprised. Any veteran seasonaire will tell you that Austria’s après ski crowd is the most relentless, hard-partying of the lot. And I can believe it.

I’m here for the season’s opening weekend – every year at the end of November and again at the closing party in April, hundreds of people from Germany, Austria and Switzerland descend on the mountain village to celebrate the start and end of the season. Acts who've played alfresco at the foot of the mountains to entertain both skiiers and non-skiiers include The Killers, Katy Perry, Kylie Minogue, Sting and Rihanna. This year we're warming up with hot mulled wine to an epicly retro soundtrack of Eighties Swedish glam-poprockers, Roxette (remember Joyride and It Must Have Been Love?). They are wrapped up in coats and look as cold as we are, but everyone’s still going bonkers.

But a lot of people come here to ski, and that’s exactly what I do the next day. Over 240km of runs, 12 are blue, 39 are red and are 10 black. As a beginner, I’m not sure what to expect. And as it's still November, in a particularly warm year (the temperature is hovering above zero), there’s not much of the white stuff. But thanks to its 1000 beasting canons, a season here lasts five months – longer than in most European ski resorts. Of course, you’ll find the best powder in the thick of the season, when it’s real, but the fake stuff is still a not-too-shabby alternative. And, on the plus side, it’s sunny and warm on the slopes once I get going.

Well, I say ‘get going’, but I tumble on to the snow within five minutes, skis flailing and stopping me from getting up.

This pattern is repeated like a slapstick sketch for the next

three days. When I get scared because I can’t control my speed, I just scream and throw myself sideways – because that’s a lot less frightening than falling off the edge of the piste, right? Children, who must be no more than six years old, zoom past, laughing.

“

Austria’s après ski is the most relentless

”

By the third day, hardened to the embarrassment, I fall over a bit less frequently. I (more-or-less) master the snow plough – making the welcome V-shape that offers some sense of control. My instructor, Rudolph, keeps telling me to relax, and when I finally execute a turn properly on my own, he says: “See, we're still alive aren't we?” I am never going to make the Winter Olympics, but I’m improving. The fear ››

Bombing down the mountain TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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isn’t as bad as it was, and given a week on the snow, I might actually be able to go down a piste without getting concussed (in my defence, it was pretty steep). To any other newbies, my advice would be: relax and persevere.

Back in the more familiar surroundings of the pub at the end of another sunny day on the slopes, we clomp around the dancefloor to some more Europop. This time, at Niki’s Stadl, which is named after its resident local celebrity whose most recent album is called Nikis Stadl ist Party. Inside, the wooden walls are adorned with old skis and deer antlers, and the bearded forty-something sings and DJs – his own songs included. We dance and shoot more shots as he hypes the crowd up. On a screen above his bizarre videos play – in one he resembles a pensive cowboy.

He’s weird, but everyone in here loves the guy. I have to admit that he is hilarious, and a hell of a crowd-pleaser.

I leave knowing that even if I didn’t exactly learn how to ski properly, I did go home with the knowledge that Austrians are even better at drinking than Aussies are. ❚ A six-day adult ski pass at Ischgl costs €155 (about £128.50). For more info, see ischgl.com and inghams.co.uk

Ischgl by night

NEXT WEEK Vodka, devils and hippies in Lithuania.

MIDRANGE

LUXURY

Idalp Panorama is right by the ski school and Silvretta and Fimba cable cars from Ischgl, making a good base for a hot chocolate. You can eat the self-service canteen food outside or in. (ischgl.com)

Chow down on big helpings of meat and potatoes, teamed with a glass of wine (strictly for keeping you warm, right?) at Pardorama. As the highest mountain restaurant in the Tyrol region, it’s an ideal place to stop for lunch and marvel at the view. (At the top of the Pardatschgrat cable car from Ischgl town centre.)

Most of the swanky restaurants in Ischgl are in the swanky hotels.

So even if you can’t stretch to a room, sample the food at the Hotel Elisabeth Restaurant. For decadent five-course, typical-Austrian-meetscutting-edge cooking and some incredibly good wines, this is the place to go. (ischglelisabeth.com)

DRINK

If unashamed après ski is what you’re after, try the Trofana Alm. It’s packed out with hard-partying Austrians as soon as the slopes close. (trofana-royal.at)

An outdoor bar and heaters at Hexenküche make it a true bottomof-the-mountain watering hole.

It’s also a great spot for peoplewatching as it’s in the main drinking area. (ferienglueck.at)

If you’re in the market for a fancy bar after a day on the slopes, head to Guxa, which has a walk-in humidor and some decent classic cocktails. (yscala.at)

SLEEP

Round up some mates and hire out the entire Chalet Zita, which is 2-3 minutes away from the piste, meaning you can pretty much ski back in the evenings. It’s basic but cosy, and costs from £679 pn for a week-long package, including flights. (skitotal.com)

Hotel Brigitte is a comfy four-star hotel close to the bars and cable cars in the centre of the village. Its spa is definitely its best feature, with relaxation rooms ranging from Finnish Sauna to aromatherapy steam bath to ice grotto. It’s clean, cosy and views of the village are a treat. Rooms start at £91pn. (hotelbrigitte.com)

An upmarket hotel that wouldn’t feel out of place in the hip parts of New York is Arthotel Elizabeth. Even though the rooms, from £125 pn, are as sleek as hell, you’ll be too busy admiring the boundary-pushing art in the hallways to care. (ischglelisabeth. com)

EAT

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Photos: ischgl.com, Thinkstock

BUDGET

A comedy festival at a top European Ski Resort!

COMEDY FESTIVAL 26-31 March 2012 Mayrhofen, Austria Slopes all day, laughs all night!

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BRENDON BURNS | PHIL NICHOL | ABANDOMAN | IAN STONE | PETE JOHANSSON “Skiing, comedy, music - better than any other mountain break” The Sun

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TRAVELWEEKENDER

One arty party This is Madrid in 48 hours WORDS CLARE VOOGHTI

DAY 1: 09:00 Get your bearings on foot in the Spanish capital, with a walk around the very animated city centre.

Start with the grand Plaza Mayor, surrounded by 17thcentury spires. It’s a top spot for people-watching. Explore the streets before getting an essential dose of culture at the huge, late-18th century Palacio Real (Royal Palace, patrimonionacional.es). You’ll be able to see 50 of the 2800 ornate rooms in all their glory.

11:30 Now, it’s time for some art – something Spain does pretty well. Centro de Arte Reina Sofia (museoreinasofia.es) is the best place to start. It’s €3 (£2.50) or free on Saturday afternoons and Sundays and you’ll find modern Spanish art, from the 20th century to the present day. The gallery includes the more famous brushstrokes of Picasso, plus art from the Spanish Civil War, and canvases by surrealist Salvador Dali.

14:30 Hit up Las Bravas (lasbravas.com), to try some tasty patatas bravas (fried potatoes with a spicy tomato sauce) in some wonky surroundings, with distorted mirrors and bar staff that have a reputation as a hilarious bunch.

16:00 For the best views in the city, go for a ride in the Teleferico Madrid (teleferico.com) cable car, which takes you on a 2.5km trip over the Casa de Campo urban park and Parque del Oeste. For €3.70 (£3), you’ll spot Palacio Real, Rio Manzanares and the city skyline.

19:30 Grab some Mexican (and a Margarita) for dinner at Taqueria de Birra (lastaquerias.com) and, if the weather’s looking good, dine on cheap-but-hearty fajitas, tacos and guacamole in the square outside.

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21:00 If art is one half of Madrid’s lifeforce, the other half is all about staying up after dark. Madrid-dwellers have partied hard and prowled through enough nights to earn the nickname ‘gatos’ (cats). You won’t have to look far to find a piece of the action for yourself, but there are some spots that shouldn’t be overlooked. The true spirit of excess will be found in the bars of Malasana, where the city’s party scene exploded after the death of General Franco and his authoritarian dictatorship in 1975. Bodega de la Ardosa (laardosa.es) is a good place to start, with plenty of techno and an unpretentious crowd.

01:00 Bed down in a hostel with character at Hostal Orly (hostalorlymadrid.com), in central Madrid. The grand old 19th century establishment has double, ensuite rooms available for €45 (£37) a night, and if you ask for room number 11, you’ll get a glass terrace with some amazing views of the city.

DAY 2: 09:00 Churros (doughnut-like sticks dipped in chocolate) are the only way to start the day in Spain.

Get yours away from the tourist hubs, at El Botanico (C/Ruiz de Alarcon 27) on its chilled-out shaded terrace.

10:00 Head to the roof garden at Hotel Emperador (emperadorhotel.com) for more awesome sights and an invigorating dip in the pool in the cool morning sunshine.

Non-guests can hang out in the roof garden – with a chillout area, cocktail bar and restaurant – for €33 (£27) a day.

13:30 But there’s still more of Madrid to see, so pack up your cossie and scope out the Museo del Jamon (museodeljamon.es). Yes. That’s right, the Ham Museum.

Photos: Getty, Thinkstock

On the prowl: Madrid’s nightlife is exceptional

There you’ll learn all about the world of ham, and its traditions and recipes – then you’ll eat plenty of the stuff.

15:00 While we’re on the subject of meat, head to the old slaughterhouse, Matadero Madrid (mataderomadrid. org) – which has recently been converted into a cuttingedge new-art hub. It’s a home for exhibitions, theatre productions, lectures and other creative gems. Right now it’s hosting a Martin Scorsese documentary on the blues, an illustration and painting show about the world at war, and a look at French design.

17:00 If bullfighting turns your stomach, watch basketball instead. Check out a game at Palacio de Deportes – buy tickets from €15 (£12.50) at the stadium’s box office.

20:30 Treat yourself to a drawn-out, satisfying tapas dinner. A meal at La Trucha (Calle de Nunez de Arce 6), which means ‘the trout’, will set you back about €20 (£16.50) – not too pricey considering it’s dubbed one of the best tapas bars in the area. Kick back and have a few drinks in the chilled-out setting before your evening gets bigger.

23:00 For your last night of high-energy revelry, head to Calle del Arenal where you’ll find all the big clubs. Don’t hang around – you’ll want to get straight into one of the mega-clubs to let the locals show you how to party. Palacio Gaviria (palaciogaviria.com), one of the most popular nightspots in the city, pumps out dance until the wee hours.

Thursdays are international student nights – embrace it.

Fly direct from London Stansted to Madrid with Ryanair from £39 ryanair.com For more info on the city see esmadrid.com

Art appreciation: get your fill of modern and classic works

segway sightseeing

WWW.MADSEGS.COM TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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South-East Tibet ASIA

CHINA

Tibet LHASA

GETTING THERE Catch the express train from Beijing West station to Lhasa (47hrs).

A soft sleeper ticket costs around £130 one-way (chinatibettrain.com).

Flights from London to Lhasa, via Amsterdam and Guangzhou, start at about £631 return with China Southern (csair.com/en)

Grand temples and prayer flags are common sights in Tibet 74

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BIGTRIP

Into the wild Tibet is already a remote spot on the traveller trail. But straying even further off the track into the south-east is a real adventure WORDS AARON DAVIES

WHEN TO GO: Spring, early summer and late autumn are the We settle into our seats and watch Beijing I twitch the curtain and look out on to best times to visit. Monsoons affect a monochrome world where gusts of heavy start to slip by the window of our train.

Tibet from mid-June until the end Almost immediately, the Chinese guy with snow periodically obscure the surrounding of September. There are discounts whom we’re sharing our compartment rolls peaks. We’re stopped at Tangula. A lonely on accommodation and car hire over in his bunk and farts – as if to say, concrete building sitting at 5068m, it’s the throughout April.

“Welcome to China!” We’re heading to Tibet highest railway station in the world. It’s so on the Beijing to Lhasa express, one of the cold, the single toilet (for a carriage of 50) is CURRENCY: £1 = CNY9.67 world’s great train journeys, traversing the frozen and I have to wait for an attendant to (Chinese Yuan) highest track in the world at 5000m above unfreeze it before going for a pee.

ACCOMMODATION: In sea level.

The rest of the day is spent slurping Tsing Lhasa, try the simple Dong Cuo Once a power to rival Imperial China, after International Youth Hostel, close Tao beers in the restaurant car and watching centuries of decline Tibet is now a tightly the bleak and beautiful Tibetan plateau to Jokhang Monastery. It’s in the controlled and restive Chinese province that unroll in front of us. No one really talks to us; busy heart of the city and provides few people get to visit. My trip, organised English isn’t widely spoken here. all the usual services. Rooms from

by Insight Himalaya, a Ghurka-run firm from When we reach Lhasa, the Tibetan capital, about £5pn. (hihostels.com) Nepal, will be taking my travel buddy and the military presence is immediate, in your SEE: insighthimalaya.com I to South-East Tibet, an area quite unlike the face and stifling. There are more armed rest of the country. It’s a set of incongruously guards than passengers. You’re not allowed lush alpine river-valleys set amidst the barren and to linger in the vast concrete station. Instead we’re rushed stony Himalayan border between India and China. outside where we’re met by Chun Kee, our Lhasa guide. As It’s remote, dramatic and contains some of the deepest we follow her, I struggle for breath and have to pause every gorges in the world. few steps like an asthmatic pensioner, gulping mouthfuls of You can’t travel to Tibet without an officially sanctioned thin air. And I still have that dull ache behind my eyes. It lasts guide and a Tibet Travel Permit, available only through for two days. vetted travel agents like Insight. However, if you’re already We spend those days acclimatising and exploring Lhasa. in China you can join a “tour” to Lhasa in many hostels. Your Until the Fifties it was a small but thriving capital city. Then travel, permit and hotel will be sorted out for you, but you’ll the “liberation” happened and for 40 years it stagnated not see a guide until arrival in Lhasa. in poverty under the heavy hand of the Chinese. With the Back in our now-fragrant cabin, we start the long crawl Nineties came trade, a huge influx of Han Chinese, and a across thousands of kilometres of desert, dry hills and highbustling new town that sprang up around the old Tibetan altitude plateau. On the way, we’ll cross nearly 700 bridges, settlement. The city has grown from a population of 40,000 heading through an earthquake zone (the last quake in to 400,000 since then. Shopping malls have sprung up like 2001 measured 8.1 on the Richter scale), and gaining 5000m toadstools in manure, but the old territory still sits at the in altitude. We’ll be travelling through the world’s highest centre of everything, defiantly Tibetan. tunnel and stopping at the world’s highest station.

It quickly becomes clear that this isn’t a party town. There After 24 hours of the arid plains and dusty towns of aren’t any bars outside the tourist hotels that we’re allowed northern China, I doze off to the realisation we’ve barely in to. At any rate, the ubiquitous army presence dampens covered half the width of this immense country. I wake the any party atmosphere. I feel on edge and absurdly guilty following morning to silence and a dull altitude headache. under their gaze.

There’s a hissing as oxygen is pumped into our compartment The highlight is the 1500-year-old Jokhang Monastery. It ›› to mitigate the effects of climbing 5000m in just over a day. squats like a grizzled old monk in the dead centre of old TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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The Beijing to Lhasa express

Tibetan prayer wheels Lhasa. Inside, a mass of chanting devotees worship serene golden Buddhas, leering black demons decked with skulls, and monarchs crowned with tiny gods. As I shuffle around, the close atmosphere, crowds and incense make it hard to breathe. Flames from yak butter lamps make the demonic eyes dance and a constant pulsing drum beat makes me feel increasingly peculiar. It’s my first brush with the intensity of religion here.

The only thing missing is monks. Monasteries should be heaving with them, but most have only a skeleton crew. I ask Chun Kee about this. “They’re in their rooms,” she says evasively. This seems unlikely, and I know monasteries have been at the centre of recent unrest, but I don’t press her. I could get deported for asking the wrong questions, but she could lose her livelihood and end up in jail.

We leave Lhasa in a two jeeps with local drivers and a new guide called Temba. He’s quietly spoken, calm, and seems to know everyone. After we pass the third checkpoint in as many hours, it becomes clear that he is as much fixer as guide, smoothing the way with local officials.

Travelling east, the road shadows the mighty Yarlung Tsampo river along the mountainous Indian border. This was one of the routes the Chinese army used when they marched west to “liberate” Tibet, and the way is dotted with temple ruins, some no more than blackened walls where they were blown to pieces.

We set our course for Rawu, which has the largest lake in eastern Tibet and is surrounded by great glaciers. It’s also as far east as we can get after the Chinese decide to close the border. Some Tibetan monks in the neighbouring province of Sichuan have set themselves on fire and there are protests breaking out.

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Along the way we stay in local villages. Accommodation is pretty basic: an unheated room, a fetid hole (often over the pigsty) for a toilet. The climate is damp from the monsoon that sweeps up the gorges from India, and it’s freezing at night as winds rush down from the surrounding peaks.

The forested slopes are full of leeches. Check yourself carefully if you slip into the bushes for a call of nature – these bloodsuckers will latch on to anything. On one occasion, after stomping through long grass, I look down

A view from the train into Tibet

to see a thick mottled leech greedily sucking at my ankle.

With a yell, I knock the bastard off. The drivers and Temba find this very amusing.

One day out of Rawu, we trek to a glacier. Heading into a forest we pass a pair of yak skulls balanced on a pile of stones. Prayer flags stretch out from tree to tree like a colourful spider web. It’s a Bon shrine. This is the local animist religion that predates Buddhism. Temba tells me it’s particularly strong here. “The prayer flags release prayers as they unravel in wind,” he says, fluttering his fingers. “Yak skull bring good fortune.”

At the top of a ridge we come face to face with a great frozen mass of ice inching down the mountainside to the sound of groans and cracks. I feel very small indeed.

Rawu itself is a nondescript village huddling on the shore of the lake. We’re here to explore some of the most remote countryside in the world. Being a long way from anything is an exhilarating experience. We trek into the nearby mountains, keeping an eye out as bears, and even leopards, are said to frequent these slopes.

Stepping through the forest, we walk up steep escarpments carpeted with pine needles, fungi and

The Insider's guide

“

I’m staring down the end of a huge penis

”

springy moss. At the top of one slope we look out over a great wilderness. Mountains loom overhead. But just I’m contemplating them, there’s a sudden snapping of twigs.

I whirl around, heart in mouth, expecting to see flashing claws and fangs. All I glimpse is some dark fur retreating into the undergrowth. Whatever it is, it’s big.

We reach Basum Tso three days later. This holy lake was once home to Guru Rinpoche, a revered Buddhist sage.

It’s magnificent, deep turquoise and utterly still. We walk reverently across a bridge to an island temple when I stop ›› dead. I’m staring straight down the business end of an

Binod Rai is co-owner and guide at Insight Himalaya When is the best time to go to Tibet?

From May to November for tours by vehicle, and from June to October for trekking.

What are the dos and don’ts of travelling in Tibet?

Chinese authorities do not like any books on Buddhism or the Dalai Lama, so leave them at home. Sometimes they confiscate Tibet Lonely Planet guides as well.

Also, refrain from taking photos that display Chinese oppression. They can stop and check cameras randomly at the border or the airport.

What’s your top tip for anyone travelling to Tibet?

Take enough warm clothes, even in the summer, and a couple of scarves to protect yourself from the dust.

What’s Tibet’s best-kept secret?

The Earth Forest of Guge, South-West Tibet, and the primeval forests and valleys of Kongpo in SouthEast Tibet.

Where’s good for chilling out?

All teahouses along Tibet’s highways are well stocked with local beer, but the best Tibetan bars and restaurants are in Lhasa.

Where’s good for an adventure?

The ancient pilgrimage trek from North-West Nepal to Mt Kailash, the high altitude trek to the Kangshung Face of Everest, and the overland tour to South-East Tibet, where the Tibetan Plateau falls to elevations where tropical jungles survive.

Where’s good to party?

Although there isn’t much of a party scene, Tibetans do know how to have a good time and Phin Tsok Ge Don restaurant in Lhasa is particularly good!

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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enormous wooden penis. A snigger bursts from my mouth, I can’t help it and look guiltily around. The local pilgrims seem to find my reaction amusing.

We reach a second shrine across the lake in a motorboat driven at terrifying speed by a 12-year-old. The shrine is a large boulder with a great vertical crack, and offerings of money are tied to trees all around. Temba explains that, like the big wooden cock, “it’s fertility shrine. It look like”, he stops and clears his throat, “woman’s private parts”. This was not quite what I expected when planning a trip to Tibet.

But that’s the joy of coming here. As we head back to Lhasa, I reflect that our vision of Tibet as both a mystical Himalayan Shangri-la, and an oppressed and occupied country, is only partly right. Travelling away from the main tourist haunts gives you a glimpse of what life is like here. It’s rugged and hard, but also beautiful and fascinating. But for how long? How long before the tourist dollar starts to turn temples into museums, and market stalls into tacky gift shops? ❚

Shrine: the big wooden cock

Aaron travelled from Lhasa to South-East Tibet with Insight Himalaya insighthimalaya.com Insight’s UK-based agent is Ussher Tours usshertours.com

Potala Palace, Lhasa

BEST OF THE REST WHAT TO DO AND SEE IN TIBET

GUGE This corner of South-West Tibet is riddled with canyons carved by the elements in the soft orange stone. It’s a magical sight as it catches the late evening sun, making the rocks glow. There are also the ruins of great fortresses and temples carved into the sides of mountains by the rulers of Guge more than 500 years ago. tibettravel.info/ngari/guge-kingdom

A friendly pilgrim

TREKKING TO MOUNT KAILASH This distinctive bell-shaped mountain in the far west of Tibet is revered by Buddhists and Hindus alike. It soars, snowy peaked, above the surrounding countryside. You can trek the traditional pilgrimage route around the base of the mountain, washing away your sins. It’s a three-day circuit and not for the faint-hearted. And you have to get there first. insighthimalaya.com

NEXT WEEK Rio Carnival: A practical guide to SA’s biggest party Performer in Lhasa

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Photos: Aaron Davies, Getty, Thinkstock

SHIGATSE After Lhasa, this is Tibet’s most important city. It contains the immense Tashilhunpo Monastery, the home of the Panchen Lama, Tibet’s second-most important Buddhist leader. Other sites include the Samdrubtse Dzong fortress.

The current building was reconstructed for tourists after the Chinese forced locals to take the 15th-century original apart brick by brick in 1961. tibettravel.info/shigatse

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SAVE UP TO ÂŁ62 SCOTLAND COMPASS BUSTER 10 DAYS (May-Sep) Normally from ÂŁ395 - ÂŁ415 Now from ÂŁ336 - ÂŁ353 ISLAND EXPLORER 7 DAYS (Mar-Oct) Normally from ÂŁ274 - ÂŁ289 Now from ÂŁ233 - ÂŁ246 ENGLAND & WALES CORNWALL CRUSADER 5 DAYS (May-Oct) Normally from ÂŁ189 - ÂŁ199 Now from ÂŁ161 - ÂŁ169 WELSH EXPLORER 5 DAYS (May-Oct) Normally from ÂŁ189 - ÂŁ199 Now from ÂŁ161 - ÂŁ169 * Valid on above tours only. Book by 29 Jan. Pay in full by 31 Mar. Enter promocode â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;earlybird12â&#x20AC;&#x2122;

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9 DAYS ÂŁ539 PP*

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DUBLIN 10 MARCH 2012 The ultimate all-Ireland St Patrickâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s extravaganza! See Ireland at its best North and South. INCLUSIONS: 8 nights accommodation and breakfasts, Exclusive Shamrocker St Pats Day t-shirt, parties and loads more

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SAVE UP TO ÂŁ30*

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Contiki Loves Festivals Don’t miss being a part of the world’s biggest festivals

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22-29 APR £389 22 APR-6 MAY £589

WWI French & Belgian Battlefields + Anzac Day Services ■ Eurostar Tour 23-25 APR £299

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25-30 or 27 AUG-2 SEP fr £379

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CELEBRATE PADDY’S DAY IN DUBLIN!

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WEEKEND BREAKS AND DAY TOURS SHORT BREAKS AMSTERDAM & BRUGGE From

THJIHJRWHJRLYZ JVT

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£225

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* MacBackpackers runs the only genuine 3 day tour of the Isle of Skye for backpackers.

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Single Rooms from £120 | Double from £140 | Triple/Quad Rooms from £165 • Bills included • One months’ deposit + one months’ • Fitted kitchen & free WiFi rent in advance • Safe and secure areas • One weeks’ fee at the end of the • Minimum 2 months’ stay term if less than 6 months’ contract Stratford | Forest Gate 07515 945 861 | 07983 552 505

7 Email: info@azadayub.co.uk

VERY LOW COST ACCOMMODATION £50.00 P.W Willing to help an older or disabled person then this can be for you.

Huge savings, Quiet, comfortable environment, swap 10 hrs per week Helping older person. Keep own job/studies.

We have several placements around London.

Call us for more information Phone Cathy on 020 7485 7416 or email cathy@crossroadscarecnl.org www.crossroadscarecnl.org

TO ADVERTISE CALL MATT 020 7989 0491

LEYTON

Double room for single person in a friendly house, sky, internet & all bills inc, 5mins to tube, 20 mins to Liverpool St, please call Kyle 07960 443723 2 weeks deposit & 2 weeks rent up front £90 PW.

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DESPERATELYSEEKING

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Post your message at tntmagazine.com/seeking or email seeking@tntmagazine.com. Text TNT and your message to 81707* From the Walkie to Bells and two hours of power at the Dirty Reddie always ending up at dirty Chicken or £1 pizzas. Thanks for making our London life amazing and remember is not goodbye, but bye for now.

Good luck for your next adventure in the land Down Under. We will miss you so much, but will see you soon in Vegas, baby. Luv the Trashy twins. Mwa. I want my Mr Matey: No bubble bath has ever been the

Your gibes targeted at Rich were pretty unforgettable, too – the difference between a crocodile and an alligator comes to mind! Finally, someone’s had the sense to see you for the powerhouse you are, and you’re off to do some great things back home. Enjoy Sydney and all your new friends there. We’ll miss you, but be seeing you soon. Go kick some TV butt, Sammy!

Oh Georgie boy: George, we’re going to miss you George.

THINGS THE QUEEN SHOULD DO BEFORE SHE DIES

#463 Try to get the barbie started at her Australia Day party with the girls

same, Geordie. I’m really sorry for what I did. I just had a brain explosion, I was wasted and feeling lonely while you were away. I’ll run you baths until the end of time, I promise. I love you, Helen.

Farewell Sammy: I’m sad to see you go, girl, but chuffed to have met you at all. It was a fun stint at EEF. I think between us we made more phone calls in a week than a call centre manages in a month, and it all paid off. Through that triumph our friendship grew, and we had many a grumble over drinks about the state of UK media.

You’ve lived up to your nickname of ‘Curious’, that’s for sure. We’ve loved watching you sniff around every nook and cranny of London, chasing adventure, pavement and a heck of a lot of skirt. We’ll miss our naughty little monkey. Take care, Georgie boy. Stay curious.

The 450 gang x You’re loose, Leslie: Leslie, can’t believe you rooted the Billy goat. He’s tried it on all of us for months. You’re weak, girlfriend.

We should have warned you that goats like to “butt”. Ouch! The Goldhawk Girls.

Leave it to the big boys: Hey Kiwis, I hope you don’t embarrass yourselves and your country again with that pathetic, drunken excuse of a haka you try and perform each year at the pub crawl. Leave it to the All Blacks, OK? Aaron the Aussie.

Cutting massive shapes: Dancing is supposed to show you what a man is going to be like in bed. If this is the case, then we are all sorry for the unlucky ones who have witnessed your dancing shows over the last two years.

Now Europe is going to enjoy your special no-left-feet moves.

Bon voyage, They don’t konw what’s coming. Eddie Cute blondie gym-goer: To fine Australian-looking guy, with the tattered Billabong hat on, who got off the Central line tube at Shepherd’s Bush on Wednesday, January 18. It was about 6.30pm and my guess is you were going to the gym – okay, I admit, I may have followed you there. You had cute curly blond tufts of hair poking out from your hat, and lush, muscled calves. You smelled very strongly of Lynx deoderant, too. It must have been that effect. Anyway, I liked what I saw and I’d do anything to get a fine young fella like you in my arms. Tomorrow night.

English Jolene: Let’s not end it like this. We made out outside the Church last Sunday but you disappeared on the way to the Walkie. Where did you go? Email me at onelostaussie@gmail.com.

I want to see more of you. I’m praying you’ll be at the Church.

*Messages cost 25p each + standard network rate. 18+ bill payers only. Send STOP to end. Number may show on bill. A2B 08700460138

DESPERATELY SEEKING... MIXED AND LADIES

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THURSDAY NIGHTS IN ACTON 2nd Feb – 29th March (9 weeks - Beginners Welcome!)

REGISTRATIONS CLOSE 27th Jan 2012 £315 per team | £45 per individual (£5 per game) Females playing MIXED and LADIES = £67.50 (for both) Different payment options available

UMPIRES REQUIRED – COMPETITIVE RATES APPLY 0787 2606 763 | www.action-netball.co.uk | action.netball@gmail.com

114 TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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A proper stinker: Tanya, I’ve heard you’re waiting for me to make the first move and I want to.

It’s just I can smell your halitosis from the other side of the room.

You’re a pretty girl but I want to wake up next to a princess, not a dragon. Get some mouthwash or this shining knight will be off to slay someone else. Rueben Bottoms up: Marky Mark, can’t believe that you took that bottle of Absinthe when you left. Have fun dancing with the green fairy. While you are, we’ll be quaffing your expensive bottle of champers. Chin chin bro. Ractonian Mansion Oh where did you go?: Tash, you South African numpty, why have you disappeared from Facebook again? You better not have unfriended me. I know I’ve been a bit shit lately, but work has been mad. I miss your funny accent, the piles of Coke cans, and the trashy romance novels. Get back in touch, and lend me Duke of Sin 2! Pookie Trying to track down Adam: To Aussie Adam, who I met in Pacha, Buenos Aires. It’s Kate. You know which one. I emailed and you never replied. I’ve run out of ways to track you down! Here’s hoping you read TNT, and don’t think I’m a psycho. Facebook me. Let’s finish what we started.

Kelli Trashbag AKA- Gero Dero: Shit, two years have gone so fast. It feels like we have known you our whole life. Man we have made so many great memories that we will cherish for eva. Too many funny trashy nights in the bush.

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