TNT Magazine / Issue 1492

April 2-8 2012 Issue 1492 tntmagazine.com

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A SAILING TR IP TO GREECE W ITH TRAVEL TALK

A HAUNTING EXPERIENCE Going in search of the Pendle witches

THE PURPLE COW IS BACK What not to miss at the Udderbelly Festival

A THIRST FOR HIRST Behind the scenes at artist’s new exhibition

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The age-old debate of what constitutes art has reared its head again as Damien Hirst’s new exhibition opens in London. To help make up your mind, flick to P8 where we explain what’s on offer. For something a little more lighthearted, on P26, we give you the lowdown on the Udderbelly Festival, which is bound to be a giggle. And if you’ve got tickets for the BBK Festival this year, you’re in for a treat. Turn to P70 to find out more. Enjoy!

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THIS WEEK LONDONDIARY

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LONDONNEWS

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MY LONDON DRINK & EATS

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@TNT

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SPOTTED

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LONDON SOUND

20-21

LISTINGS CLUB & GIGS

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COMPETITION

30

CHATROOM DOUG STANHOPE

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LONDON SCENE

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SPARE TIME

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LIFESTYLE

35-43

SHOPPING

35

FEATURES THIRST FOR HIRST

8

HEALTH & BEAUTY

36-37

CAREERS

38-39

Critically acclaimed artist Damien Hirst brings a career retrospective to town

LIVING

40-41

HAVE A COW, MAN

NEWS & SPORT

44-55

TRAVEL

57-80

The Udderbelly Festival is back for the summer on London’s South bank

58

ANIMAL ATTRACTION

NEWS

59

LATE DEALS

60

The weird and wonderful world of cryptozoology: what’s still out there?

COMPETITION

62

HOTSHOTS

64

TOP FIVE

66

DIARY

Photos: Damien Hirst; Udderbelly. Cover: Getty

CAROL DRIVER EDITOR carol.driver@tntmagazine.com

TIPS & STUFF

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48 HOURS IN... PANAMA CITY CLASSIFIEDS DESPERATELY SEEKING

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82-113 114

WITCH WAY TO PENDLE?

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26

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Walk in the trail of the witches of Pendle, who were executed for their ‘crimes’

BASQUE IN THE GLOW

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Hit Bilbao for this year’s BBK Festival, featuring Radiohead and The Cure

HIGH TIMES IN INDIA

76

Get amongst burning bodies, crowds of worshippers and sacred weed in Varanasi

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EDITORIAL Editor Carol Driver Sub editor Jahn Vannisselroy Content editors: Acting Travel Laura Chubb Entertainment Alasdair Morton News & sport Tom Sturrock Web Oliver Jones Staff writer Clare Vooght Staff writer/editorial assistant Rebecca Kent

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Shhh... SECRET LONDON THE BOAT RACE BANKS OF THE THAMES

It’s that time of year again, when thousands spend a boozy afternoon thronging along the Thames, cheering on a bunch of toffish rowers from Oxford and Cambridge. Of course, it’s not about the rowing so much as the parties that spring up in the pubs and parks along the route on either side of the river. The crowds arrive early for this quintessentially London knees-up so it’s worth staking out a spot in advance and, of course, the trip home can be a nightmare, so don’t make any hard-and-fast dinner plans.

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MAYA CHOCOLATE ADVENTURE

This Australian duo have been peddling their off-beat physical comedy for what seems like forever, and they’re still going strong, having wowed audiences in Edinburgh and New York. In their latest show, you can expect to encounter a spot of underwater horse-racing, as well as witnessing a kung fu fight against a fly.

One of London’s newest markets has sprung up in the concrete jungle of the east. But the surrounds have made organisers more determined to ensure their market is colourful and cruisey enough to persuade people to make an appearance on a Sunday morning when their mates are sleeping off the night before.

The Mayans were responsible for a bunch of crackpot end-times prophecies which have been embraced by today’s tinfoil-hat brigade but they also had a thing for chocolate. At Kew Gardens, you can make a batch of the brown stuff after offering an origami flower to placate the sacred jaguar god who lives in the water lily pond.

Apr 6-7. 7.30pm Queen Elizabeth Hall, Belvedere Road, SE1 8XX Waterloo southbankcentre.co.uk

Sun, Apr 8. 10am Spitalfields City Farm, Buxton St, E1 5AR Liverpool Street ecochicoutdoormarket.com

Until Sun, Apr 15. 9.30am Kew Gardens, Kew Rd, TW9 3AB Kew Gardens kew.org

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TORTURE GARDEN’S EASTER BALL Ministry of Sound

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Thurs, Apr 5. 10pm 103 Gaunt St, SE1 6DP

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Apr 6-8. noon Apr 5-15. Times vary Southbank Centre Square Alexandra Palace, Alexandra Belvedere Rd, SE1 8XX Waterloo Palace Way, N22 7AY Wood Green moscowstatecircus.com southbankcentre.co.uk

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The performers of this Russian troupe have a reputation as the most skilled circus acts in the world, and their new show revolves around Babushkin Sekret, the Twelve Chairs, the legend of the hunt for an heiress’s hidden jewellery. There are some dazzling skills, mostly aerial acrobatics, on display, so make sure you catch it. £10

travel

Stock up on all your Easter food at this market, which springs up on the banks of the Thames.

More than 40 vendors will be setting up shop to sell food and drink. Sure, you could go to Sainsbury’s for your shopping, but you’d miss out on the satisfaction of inspecting the produce and getting something that really takes your fancy.

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Any Torture Garden event promises to be a real eyeopener, attracting a mixture of goths, punks and costumed fetish freaks, and there’s a rigidly enforced dress code to ensure everyone makes an effort. The venue, London’s world-famous Ministry of Sound, is a suitably atmospheric locale for one of Torture Garden’s biggest annual parties, which will undoubtedly be a night to remember. £27

LONDONNEWS EINSTEIN’S BRAIN ON DISPLAY IN LONDON

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Breakdown in values: cause of the riots

Sections of Albert Einstein’s brain are being exhibited at the capital’s Wellcome Collection.

Brains: Mind As Matter, running until June 17, displays preserved samples of the Nobel Prize-winning physicist.

Also on show are brains of other famous people, including mathematician Charles Babbage, murderer William Burke and 19th-century killer Edward Rullof.

“The exhibition explores what humans have done to brains in the cause of medical intervention, scientific enquiry, cultural meaning and technological change,” a spokesman for the museum said.

Am I the only one now slightly tempted to try mexxy before it becomes illegal?

Sally Bercow, wife of Commons speaker John, reveals too much on Twitter for some people’s liking

28% OF WOMEN FEEL UNSAFE ON TUBE More than a quarter of women and 15 per cent of men don’t feel safe when using the Underground – even during the day.

The YouGov survey for the End Violence Against Women Coalition quizzed 1047 commuters, 523 were women.

Respondents called for increased visible staffing and policing, as well as better lighting for bus stops.

ON THE TUBE

Rioters had ‘lack of values’ Report also identifies 500,000 ‘forgotten families’ as cause Bad parenting was one of the major factors behind last summer’s riots, according to a new report. A lack of values among young people was also another cause of the looting and violence that gripped London and other cities in the UK. The Riots, Communities and Victims panel, appointed by PM David Cameron, has been looking into what sparked the events, in which five people died, in August 2011.

It also identified 500,000 “forgotten families” which it said had been left to “bump along the bottom of society”.

The report concluded: “We heard from many communities who felt that rioter

behaviour could ultimately be ascribed to poor parenting.

“We need to consider what can be done to ensure that all children get the right support, control and guidance from parents or guardians.”

Up to 15,000 people were “actively involved” in the riots, which left dozens injured. They are thought to have cost the economy £500m. Disorder spread over three days to Enfield, Walthamstow, Waltham and Brixton before police managed to control the gangs.

The report also recommended schools should be penalised if pupils leave without being able to read or write and that prison leavers should be given more support.

THIS WEEK IN LONDON...

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THIS WEEK’S CLOSURES

CIRCLE: Suspended between Edgware Road and Hammersmith Fri-Mon. Rail replacement buses operate.

DISTRICT: Suspended between Turnham Green and Ealing Broadway Fri-Mon. H’SMITH & CITY: Suspended between Edgware Road and Hammersmith. Rail replacement buses operate.

METROPOLITAN: Suspended between Rickmansworth, Amersham and Chesham Fri-Mon. Rail replacement buses operate.

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Photos: Getty

PICCADILLY: No service between Acton Town and Uxbridge Fri-Mon. Replacement buses operate.

Make sure your TV screen doesn’t go blank this week when the digital switchover happens.

More than one in 10 London households aren’t ready for the change, for which television sets will need to be converted.

Despite a huge advertising campaign telling people that digital switchover begins in London from Wednesday, April 4, people have left it until the 11th hour.

Digital UK London manager Deborah Bain said: “We are now trying to reach people who have forgotten about the second or third set in the kitchen or bathroom.”

London is the most populous area to switch, with 33 local authorities to deal with and about 12m TVs. More info digitaluk.co.uk

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Damien Hirst: animals, skulls, dots and all

The whole Hirst Damien Hirst gets his first UK career retrospective, which shines the light on one of contemporary art’s most respected individuals WORDS ALASDAIR MORTON

Damien Hirst has long been been a divisive figure in contemporary art. Some laud him for his boundarypushing, eye-catching works, while others decry him as the enfant terrible of Brit art.

Rising through the art ranks in the Nineties, Hirst became Brit Art’s most prominent figurehead, an internationally renowned artist, considered one of the most important of his generation. But for all the adulation, he is still just as likely to receive jibes of “that’s not art” or “I could have done that”.

Make up your own mind as, for the first time, his work is collected in a career-spanning retrospective at Tate Modern, as part of the London 2012 Cultural Olympiad.

“Throughout his career, Hirst’s work has been experienced by the majority of people through the filter of photographic reproduction and headline reportage,” exhibition curator Ann Gallagher says. ”This exhibition will be an opportunity for everyone to examine the works first hand, and to appreciate why they became so iconic.”

Hirst’s work, which forged a path 8

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between art, science and popular culture, is marked by its diversity, and this exhibition reflects that.

Installations, photography, paintings, sculpture and drawings are the tip of the iceberg for an artist whose work has featured a tiger shark and two bisected cows suspended in formaldyhyde (The Physical Impossibility Of Death In The Mind Of Someone Living, 1991 and Mother And Child Divided, 1993) and included giant spots on a white canvass (Flumequine, 2007) and even a paint-by-numbers kit (Paint By Numbers, 2001).

“We will be bringing together more than 70 works, including those he exhibited at Freeze in 1988, and the seminal sculptures from the early 1990s,” Gallagher says.

Also on show will be important vitrines, such as A Thousand Years – a severed cow’s head, flies and a insect-o-cutor in a box representing the circle of life – and his medicine, pill and instrument cabinets. One particular highlight will be In And Out Of Love, a two-room installation featuring live butterflies, which hasn’t been shown in its entirety since its creation in 1991.

Taking pride of place in the new exhibition is Hirst’s For The Love Of God, a life-sized skull covered with 8601 diamonds, but which maintains the boney item’s original teeth.

“Visitors will be given the chance to view it as an independent exhibit or as a culmination of many of the themes revealed in the exhibition,” Gallagher reveals of Hirst’s recent eye-catching work. Shown in the Turbine Hall of Tate Modern, it will be the first time in more than five years that the work has been exhibited on British soil.

So what does Hirst himself make of it all? In Damien Hirst, a new book that accompanies the exhibition, he says: “I’ve always felt the responsibility is on the viewer, not the artist. You trick them into thinking you’re telling them something, but you’re revealing something that they already have.”

So take the chance to be tricked by or simply sneer at art Tracey Emin rates as being up there with Andy Warhol’s.

MORE EXHIBITIONS IN LONDON ›› Damien Hirst, Apr 4-Sept 9. 10am-6pm (til 10pm Fri and Sat). £15.50. Tate Modern Bankside, SE1 9TG Blackfriars tate.org.uk

RUGBY LEAGUE ON YOUR DOORSTEP Hirst’s work comprises extraordinary diversity

LONDON BRONCOS CATALANS DRAGONS AT: Twickenham Stoop KO: 8.00PM DATE: Thursday 5th April For tickets please visit londonbroncosrl.com or call 0208 410 6000 facebook.com/LondonBroncosRL @LondonBroncosRL Bring your Wakefield Trinity Wildcats ticket to the game and get in for £10

KIDS: £5 IONS: £10 S S E C N O 15 C ADULTS: £ Art or nonsense? You decide

Sympathy In White Major - Absolution II (2006)

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METAMORPHOSIS – TITIAN 2012 NATIONAL GALLERY

SOPHIE DICKENS SLADMORE GALLERY In an Olympic year, what could be better than a celebration of athletes’ physical bodies?

Nothing, according to Ms Dickens (Charles’s great grandaughter) who’s taken this, with a Greek mythology slant, as the focus for her latest sculptures.

FREE

Special works by contemporary artists (painters, composers, poets) in response to three of 13th-century Italian painter Titian’s creations celebrate his considerable influence on British art. Titian’s recently acquired Diana And Callils is displayed until July 1 and Titian’s First Masterpiece: The Flight Into Egypt, examining one of his earliest paintings, runs from Apr 4-Aug 19.

FREE

Jul 11-Sept 23 Trafalgar Square, WC2N 5DN Charing Cross nationalgallery.org.uk

May 7-Jun 9 Sladmore Gallery, SW1Y 6LX Piccadilly Circus sladmore.com

BAUHAUS: ART AS LIFE BARBICAN The biggest Bauhaus exhibition in the UK for almost 40 years celebrates the infamous art school that brought artists and designers such as Marcel Brueur and Ludwig Mies vander Rohe to the attention of the world in the wake of the Second World War. Art, politics and culture fused into something that attempted to lead the world in a new direction. This exhibition features painting, sculpture, design, architecture, film, photos, textiles and installations. £10

May 3-Aug 12 Silk Street London, EC2Y 8DS

DESIGNING THE EXTRAORDINARY V&A Finished pieces and prototypes that didn’t make it past the idea stage all feature in this design practice’s survey of architecture, engineering and furniture and product development. £6

THE ELECTRIC SKY PERTWEE, ANDERSON AND GOLD Artist Paul Fryer investigates ‘the connections between life on Earth and astronomical phenomena’ at this gallery co-owned by actor Sean Pertwee. How does he do it? By recreating lightning in 2- and 3D spaces, in a variety of ways that occupy a gap somewhere between sculpture and image making.

There are photos, X-rays, paintings, printed images and regular old sculptures, too – all framed around Fryer’s ongoing fascination with electricity.

FREE

Until Apr 19 15 Bateman Street, Soho, W1D 3AQ Tottenham Court Road pertweeandersongold.com

10

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May 31-Sept 30 Porter Gallery, SW7 2RL South Kensington vam.ac.uk

ABSTRACTION IN ITALY ESTORICK This exhibition chronicles Italian abstract art from 1030 to 1980, from the futurist heritage, through various post-war movements when Italian artists earned their place in the wider scene. £5

Jun 27-Sept 9 39a Canonbury Square, N1 2AN Highbury & Islington estorickcollection.com

Barbican

barbican.org.uk

MAGMA ART EVENT APRICOT GALLERY

SWEETHEARTS PIPPY HOULDSWORTH Prize-winning artists and their artist spouses (Anthony Gormley and Vicken Parsons) work in unison to create these unique works about creativity and collaboration.

FREE

FREE To unleash creativity in an outburst akin to molten lava erupting, this five-day event (left) brings together 14 artists from China, France, US, Germany, Cyprus, Spain and the UK – with a capella and eastern European musicians – to exhibit expressive and conceptual work.

Apr 18-22 Apricot Gallery, The Ragfactory, 16-18 Heneage Street, E1 5LJ Aldgate East themagmagroup.co.uk

SUMMER EXHIBITION ROYAL ACADEMY The 244th annual citywide summer exhibition, co-ordinated by Tess Jay, includes plenty of paintings, prints, sculpture and photography.

FREE

June 27-30 & Jul 4-7 W1J 0BD Picadilly Circus royalacademy.org.uk

Until Apr 21 W1B 4BT Piccadilly Circus houdsworth.co.uk

YOKO ONO SERPENTINE GALLERY A conceptual artist and byword for breaking up the band, Ono (above) polarises opinion. Her work, though, grabs tattention, and this exhibition features installations, films and performances, as well as SMILE, a project in which people submit photos of their cheesy grins.

FREE

Jun 19-Sept 9 Serpentine Gallery, W2 3XA South Kensington serpentinegallery.org

DREAM HOUSE, HOUSE OF DREAMING ELEVEN FINE ART

EDVARD MUNCH: THE MODERN EYE BANKSIDE

Natasha Kissell’s paintings (below) look at how the house was the base for our dreams as a child, and how as an adult we yearn for our dream house. Her creations envisage utopian architecture of the future.

To most, Munch is most well known for painting The Scream – bastardised by the Scream horror movie franchise. This exhibition (below) aims to shed a little more light on the Norwegian painter’s work, particularly the conflict between his paintings and his love for 20th-century technological advancements such as film-making and photography technology.

FREE

May 11-Jun 16 11 Eccleston Street, SW1W 9LX Victoria elevenfineart.com

£15

SKIN DEEP WEST END Jamie Alexander’s solo exhibition presents the human form in all its shapes and guises and celebrates its beauty. Alexander, who has always had an anti-conventional approach to art, unveils his Physical Photography series, which incorporates images of the human body taken with a digital scanner. It also features his The Great Wall Of Vagina, its moulds of the female anatomy a response to the rise in cosmetic labial surgeries.

Photos: Damien Hirst and Science Ltd. Photographed by Prudence Cuming Associates; The National Museum of Art, Architecture and Design, Oslo ; Jason Merritt; ; Zachary Peirce; Ricghard Valencia

FREE

May 8-Jun 2 Hay Hill Gallery, W1S 3NY

ANOTHER LONDON TATE BRITAIN More than 150 photographs comprise this exhibition, which respresents London life from 1930-50, as seen by some of the world’s most famed photographers.

Piccadilly Circus

OUT OF FOCUS SAATCHI GALLERY

£11

Jul 27-Sept 16 Millbank, SW1P 4RG Pimlico tate.org.uk

MIGRATIONS: JOURNEYS INTO BRIT ART TATE BRITAIN

The gallery’s first photography exhibition in more than 10 years features the likes of Kary Grannan, Nicole Wermers and David Noonan.

This exhibition focuses on British art through the theme of migration, considering how it has been shaped by immigration into the country during the past 500 years, and featuring works by artists such as Mondrian, Kneller and contemporary painters, too.

Until Aug 12 Millbank, SW1P 4RG Pimlico tate.org.uk

hayhillgallery.com

PICASSO AND MODERN BRITISH ART TATE BRITAIN

FREE

Wearing’s work looks at notions of identity and peels back the layers and misdirection to get to the truth of who we are. This film and photo collection spans her work, which has included looks at teenagers and alcoholics, from early photo series to 2011’s Self Made film.

This new exhibition explores not just the defining legacy that Pablo Picasso left behind, but also his influence on British artists and the acceptance of modern art on this little island that resulted from his work and his striking personality. This exhibition comprises more than 150 artworks and considers his controversial life as a celeb, as well as his postWW2 political convictions and compromises. It’s undoubtedly expansive, frequently illuminating and, in places, a little surprising.

It also includes work by Picasso’s admirers, such as Duncan Grant, Wyndham Lewis, Ben Nicholson, Henry Moore, David Hockney and Francis Bacon.

Until Jun 17 77-82 Whitechapel High St, E1 7QX Aldgate East whitechapelgallery.org

Until Jul 15 Millbank, SW1P 4RG Pimlico tate.org.uk

Apr 25-Jul 22 Duke of York’s, King’s Road, SW3 4SQ Sloane Square saatchi-gallery.co.uk

GILLIAN WEARING WHITECHAPEL GALLERY £9.50

£11

Jun 28-Oct 14 Bankside, SE1 9TG Blackfiars tate.org.uk

£14

TATE OIL TANKS TATE MODERN Part of the Tate Modern’s expansion plan is to bring these two 3m-wide oil tanks into performance spaces, and, in time for the Games, launch a programme of films, lectures and live art.

At the end of the year, the final stages of the tanks’ transformation will finally be complete.

VARIOUS

Apr 2-Dec 30 Bankside, SE1 9TG Blackfiars tate.org.uk

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The most interesting person I’ve met was the amazing Mr Dean Chalkley.

We’ve worked with him a couple of times hosting his The New Faces exhibition two years ago and recently a screening of the film with the same name about what it’s like to be a Mod today. Dean’s an extremely talented photographer, humble and one of the hardest-working men in town.

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My perfect weekend would include spending time with my boyfriend – he works hard and we can be like ships that pass in the night, or early morning.

Then a trip to Hackney’s Broadway Market, followed by a walk along the canal, lunch at Morito tapas bar in Exmouth Market, a Woody Allen film at the Rio cinema in Dalston, cocktails with the girls, lunch with my folks, newspapers and a bit of sofa sunbathing … in any order.

The last naughty thing that I did was to put my recycling in the nonrecycling bin. One person in our block of flats has appointed themselves bin monitor and I just wanted to make a point. It felt good!

trips for 18 to 30 somethings

Five words that sum up London ... sunny, rainy, loud, peaceful, home. queenofhoxton.com / wearetbc.com 12

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*Terms & Conditions apply. Flights not included. Egypt trip price includes local payment based on $1 = £0.63, which must be paid locally in USD. Morocco local payment must be paid locally in GBP. Exchange rates correct at time of printing, and subject to currency fluctuations, depending when payment is made. Discount taken from the trip price and doesn’t include local payments. Subject to availability.

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LUXE

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Luxe London

BAR THE SCENE This bustling, bright and breezy four-level venue, which is jam-packed on Friday nights, is the place to be in east London. Located in trendy Spitalfields, it offers an upmarket pub atmosphere in the large, open space on the ground floor, with chunky wooden tables and big windows. Head downstairs for sleek black sofa booths, bottles of champagne and dance the night away to live music courtesy of well-known DJs. Or climb the stairs to the first-floor for some pretty decent posh nosh. There’s also a room on the top floor for private parties.

THE GRUB Pop in for an English muffin breakfast; a fishfinger sandwich for lunch or the Luxe bacon burger for a pre-drink meal. Or, it’s fine dining with a rustic twist in the first-floor white-tableclothed Dining Room, with options such as wood pigeon breast, oysters, and ham hock terrine.

BEHIND THE BAR It’s an impressive menu, which has obviously been put together with the discerning drinker in mind. There’s a great selection of cocktails, shots and fizzy stuff, as well top-notch beers on tap (including Asahi).

BILL PLEASE Bar snacks from £3; lunch from £5.50; cocktails from £7; shots £5; wine by the glass from £4.20; pint of beer from £4.10.

VERDICT If you get here early and manage to bag yourself a table, settle in for the night – this one’s a keeper. CAROL DRIVER

109 Commercial Street, E1 6BG

3 OF THE BEST EASTER CHOCS

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theluxe.co.uk

Liverpool Street

CARLUCCIO’S HARD BOILED EGGS

BARUZZO’S HANDMADE EGGS

EGG AND CHIPS BY HOTEL CHOCOLAT

Sweeter than your average yolk, these cracked eggs are made with milk and white chocolate, as well as a tasty gianduja filling. Available in Carluccio’s all over London for £9.95 a box.

An Easter gift for those who value style and substance – these hand-painted eggs look like you shouldn’t eat them. But you’ll be glad you did. Boxes cost £9 for six and £12.50 for nine eggs.

A creamy white chocolate egg with a caramel yolk, served sunny side up. The chips are milk chocolate with a cheeky caramel centre.

Good enough to eat for dinner. Priced at £12.

carluccios.com

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hotelchocolat.co.uk

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Union Jacks: king of the British pizza

BITE SIZE ROCK STAR BEER Ever wondered what would happen if a musician tried to create a beer? The folks at Signature Brew did, so they started asking artists to help them make theirs. Now The Hold Steady frontman, Craig Finn, has unleashed his own take on a golden craft brew, Clear Heart. If you’re curious, go to The Marie Lloyd in Old Street to get a round in. signaturebrew.co.uk

THAI NIGHTS Evoke memories of your Asian travels with Belgravia restaurant, The Mango Tree’s new Thai nights, with traditional dancers, cooking demostrations, food carving and a new menu showcasing Thailand’s four regions. The nights start on April 18, to coincide with Songkran (Thai New Year). Keep your tastebuds peeled for northeast-style Thai soup, Tom Saab Samunprai, with bite-size pork ribs and central Thai dish Goong Kra Bueng – a crispy deep-fried crepe stuffed with minced prawns and served with plum sauce. mangotree.org.uk

Photos: David Loftus

MIDNIGHT BOOZE SERVICE Run out of booze in the middle of the night? Continue the party with Sincura, which offers a fully licensed all-night delivery service on booze including wine from £9.23, beer from £1.50 and various spirits from £17.50.

Call 020 7928 1637 between 8pm and 6am and your drinks will arrive within 40 minutes. And if you’ve got the post-drink munchies, they deliver from their Russian and Italian food menus all night, too.

UNION JACKS MODERN BRITISH THE SCENE Jamie Oliver’s shiny-new glass-walled, diner-style restaurant just off the top end of Shaftesbury Avenue. Staff know their stuff and stay attentive all evening, and the interior is eclectic – menus are up on American cinema-style boards and there are tea cosies on the premises.

THE GRUB The TV chef strips things back to British with comforting classics like fish pie, roast pork with quince and apple sauce, and slow-braised oxtail and brisket.

Well, almost. He’s put all these English greats on wood-fired flatbreads, called them “flats” and, essentially, created a British pizza. My Woodman – with tender roast shoulder of pig, quince and bramley sauce, tangy stilton, watercress and a healthy helping of crackling – has a perfectly crispy base, making it homely without being stodgy. If my friend’s Chilli Freak flat – topped with six varieties of the red hot pepper – is any spicier, its punch would earn it a conviction for GBH. But, thankfully the side of curds takes the edge off. A sweet and creamy scoop of earl grey tea and biscuits ice cream for dessert, served in a silver school canteen ice cream bowl, is a childhood great, but it’s grown up.

It’s a best of Blighty line-up, with a mix of English wines from Chapel Down winery in Kent, plus British draught beers and Welsh cider and perry. Cocktails include Damson Gin Fizz with cloudy lemonade; British Storm, with rum, dandelion and burdock; and Roobarb & Custard, with rhubarb liqueur, apple and cinnamon.

BILL PLEASE Starters from £5; flats from £7; desserts from £1.50; wine from £4 a glass; beer from £2 and cocktails from £5.50.

VERDICT All the main courses are on flatbreads, so the menu is a little restrictive. But Union Jacks is all about the concept – and that’s spot on in that it gives traditional British food a twist for hungry 21st-century diners. It’s got the makings to be, like Oliver, a fun, fresh, British institution. CLARE VOOGHT BEHIND THE BAR

sincura.com 4 Central St Giles Piazza, WC2H 8AB

unionjacksrestaurants.com

Tottenham Court Road

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lose one sense, others are enhanced. That’s why ppl with no sense of humour have increased senses of selfimportance. Julie What are blind people striving to reach?

The Holy Braille.

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I had a plan to take my 20-year-old Datsun out for a spin today ... But it backfired.

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OH, GIDEON George Osborne suggesting Brits eat cold pasty pies to avoid his tax hike (tntmagazine.com)?

If he wasn’t a delusive individual in power he would be hilarious. He reminds me of Tony Blair – a spineless git living on another planet from the rest of humans.

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LET US BE Why are migrants to Australia wanting us to cut back on celebrating Anzac Day? Also in schools they don’t want us to refer to hot cross buns ...because it offends some people because of the religious

conotations They arrive because they like the way we live and then proceed to try and change us. Can’t we continue with our practices and beliefs and also learn from other cultures – this would surely be the true meaning of multiculturalism? The PC brigade has much to answer for.

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YOUR AFFAIRS …

Call me boring but I see cheating (‘Your cheating heart’, TNT 1491) as a weakness in personality.

There is something wrong in your relationship and you don’t have the guts to either work through it or break up with the person. People shouldn’t be unhappy in a relationship, but I don’t think cheating should ever be a ‘solution’ whether long term or a quick fix.

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Rebecca Clarke: We’re getting out of London for the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee – hired out a yurt hut in Wales.

Clint Heine I won’t look at Tulisa the same again when she’s close to a microphone.

Benny Weaver: Jason Donavan’s looking for Jesus? He’ll have trouble finding him. Last I heard he was on the run after faking his own death and leaving the rent unpaid on his cave.

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Re. TNT 1491: Nick Dalton’s enthusiastic piece ‘Cave Men’ has only one fault.

I lived in the Brecon Beacons for the first 18 years of my life and have never, ever, heard a local – or a any Welsh person – calling them ‘the Brecons’.

The Beacons, yes, but the Brecons? Where did that come from? The first time the heard the term was in the 1990s from an announcer on BBC Radio 4.

Use it if you want, but it is not idiomatic and it sounds odd and rather daft.

Stuart Potre, via Facebook

Miguel Wayne Rooney has visited Fabrice Muamba. “It’s great – he can almost string a sentence together,” Fabrice said.

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Above and Beyond take it to Brixton

festival

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ISLE OF WIGHT

ABOVE AND BEYOND Brixton Academy, 211 Stockwell Road, SW9 9SL APR 7-8 | DOORS AT 10PM-4AM | £20

June 22-24. Seaclose Park, Newport, Isle of Wight. £190 isleofwightfestival.com

After rejuvenating itself in 2002 after a 32-year gap since its Sixties heyday, the Isle of Wight festival has become a summer mainstay – with beautiful beaches to boot. This year’s line-up boasts Bruce Springsteen, Pearl Jam (pictured) and Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers as headliners, alongside Biffy Clyro, Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds, Jessie J and Tinie Tempah.

Brixton is set to become the centre of one hell of a party as Above and Beyond hit town for not one, but two mega-shows in support of their Group Therapy global tour and album.

Hitting Brixton’s Academy for two nights in a row, their euphoric trance and house will create a dancefloor experience unlike any other. Jono Grant, Paavo Siljamäki and Tony McGuinness will take to the stage with an accompanying visual experience that will tell the story of the tracks being played, with live video-messaging from the band adding to the sharing/ community vibe. They’ll be bringing with them previously unheard remixes of the album tracks, and the fullon Group Therapy production, too.

Above and Beyond began life in 2000. They’ve had their tracks played by Armin van Buuren and Ferry Corsten, and were voted No. 5 in DJ Magazine’s ‘top 100 DJs in the world’ poll last year. They’ve headlined enormo-domes such as LA’s 80,000capacity Coliseum, wowed festivals and celebrated the 10th anniversary of their Trance Around The World radio show with an eight-hour broadcast from Beirut.

“We’ll be bringing home the Group Therapy show we’ve toured all round the world,” the trio say ahead of their homecoming gigs. “The UK audience is one of the world’s most knowledgeable and the extent they’ve taken us to their hearts has been overwhelming.” Congratulating themselves and patting the UK scene on the back in one fell swoop – it makes for momentous shows, for sure.

Brixton

o2academybrixton.co.uk

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NEW BAND

REN HARVIEAU GIG THURS, APR 5. 7.30PM £8

The oh-so civilized surrounds of west London’s Bush Hall are the perfect place for catching this hot, and hottly tipped, singer-songwriter who’s snagged excitable five-star mutterings about her debut album, Through the Night, due out on April 23. See her now then tell everyone how you were there first.

Photos: Amelia Trougbridge

Bush Hall 310 Uxbridge Road, W12 7LJ Shepherd’s Bush bushhallmusic.co.uk

SHAKE IT – THIRD BIRTHDAY

THE PROMISED LAND

CLUB

CLUB

THURS, APR 5. 9AM-5AM £15

SUN, APR 8. 2PM-6AM £18

Dinky joins Layo and Bushwacka with Elek-Fun and Jos Vogel for this birthday bash in honour of the Shake It crew. If the prospect of caning it on a school night normally brings out the teacher’s pet in you, remember it’s the bank holiday weekend so the wisest, nay, only option is four days of hedonism.

The first of a three-part old-school showcase – the second and third are on the next bank holiday Sundays in May and June – has a stellar line-up of house legends, including Marshall Jefferson, Shades of Rhythm and Colin Dale. It kicks off at 2pm with a BBQ, before the house, jungle and hardcore takes it back to the Eighties.

Oval Space 29-32 The Oval, E2 9DY residentadvisor.net

Egg 200 York Way, N7 9AP King’s Cross clubpromisedland.com

Cambridge Heath

CLOCK OPERA THE BUZZ SO FAR Dishwashers, tin cans, cocktail flasks, even squeaky shoes, just household and everyday objects to you and me, but not to Clock Opera and main man Guy Connelly – to him they are just part of his diverse repertoire of instrumentation. Fusing it all together with minimal beats, samples and electro-industrial flourishes, and the odd pop hook, too, their debut, Ways to Forget, is set to hit on April 23 and take them to the next level.

THE CRITICS SAY “One of the most experimental bands on this planet!”

Hit The Floor Magazine THE PLUG Ways To Forget is out April 23 through Moshi Moshi/ Island. They play Scala, Apr 24. £9 275-277 Pentonville Road, N1 9NL King’s Cross scala-london.co.uk

DEER TICK

NORMAN JAY – UP ON THE ROOF

THE FUTUREHEADS

GIG

CLUB

GIG

WED, APR 4. 7PM £12

SUN, APR 8. £10

WED, APR 4. 7PM £16.50

This ace US outfit specialise in bar-room-ready rock ‘n’ roll, or rather they do on latest album Divine Inspiration, which represents a fullthrottle move away from the more alt-folkleanings of before. It’s a raucous affair, recorded as live as possible, and made for unleashing on nights just like this.

The Brixton Clubhouse gets none other than living legend – and member of the British Empire – Norman Jay in for this night on the terrace.

The summer’s almost here, so celebrate and get in the mood with this kaleidoscopic fusion of soul, funk, disco, house, hip hop and just about anything and everything in between.

Once they were the next big, bright young things, then they were the ones who only had that one song, and that was a Kate Bush cover.

They’re back now, though, with Rant, a new album of a capella tunes to prove how wrong we’ve all been. The lush Union Chapel’s a fitting venue in which to preach their message.

The Garage N5 1RD Highbury & Islington venues.meanfiddler.com/the-garage

Brixton Clubhouse 467-469 Brixton Road, SW9 8HH Brixton brixtonclubhouse.com

Union Chapel Compton Terrace, N1 2UN Highbury & Islington unionchapel.org.uk

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CLUBLISTINGS

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MONDAY 2 Cuban Hideaway DJ Rich plays Latin, house, funk and R‘n’B. The Hideaway, Stanthorpe Rd, SW16 2ED (020 8835 7070). 9.40pm-late. £7.

Shake It Presents Layo & Bushwacka! and Dinky supply electronica, house, techno and old skool. Shake It! Warehouse, Great Suffolk St, SE1 0NR (08700 600100).

10pm-6am. £13 & £15.

BOOK NOW!

Vegas Baby In the Main Room are Seb Fontaine, Ian Hadassi, Danni Murray, Ryan Afshar/ Chris Bailes and Steve Cox/Luke Duffy and in the Global Room are Jay Deep, DJ Miss Dix, Mista Storm ft Pabz La Funk, Electum Goldensun, Speeve, Marcello and Richie D. Pacha, Terminus Place, SW1V 1JR (0845 371 4489).

11pm-6am. £15, adv £5 & £10.

I Love Mondays DJ Victor spins commercial dance, disco, pop, garage, R‘n’B and funky house. Moonlighting, Greek St, W1D 4DR (020 7437 5782/ cc 020 7287 3727). 10pm-3.30am. £5, w/flyer £3, NUS £1.50.

The Jump Off DJs Rap6, Charlie Sloth and Manny Norte spin hip-hop, garage and R‘n’B. The Scala, Pentonville Rd, N1 9NL (020 7833 2022/ cc 0844 477 1000). 8pm-2am. £12, £10 before 9pm, adv £8.

Popcorn Jonesey, Harvey Adam, Jamie Hammond and Terry T-Rex provide dance, electro, R‘n’B, pop and hip-hop. Heaven, Charing Cross Arches, Villiers St, WC2N 6NG (020 7930 2020). 11pm-5.30am. £8.

Rehab DJ Haley, Zoe Demonette, Dan Udy and Malarky supply indie, electro and pop. The Roxy, Rathbone Place, W1T 1HJ (020 7255 1098). 10pm-3am. £5, NUS/ w/flyer £3, mems £1 before 10.30pm.

Service Industry Night DJ Colin Russell and Donald Sweeneey spin R‘n’B, hip-hop and chart. Rumba, Shaftesbury Ave, W1D 7EP (020 7287 2715).

9pm-3am. £7, £5 before midnight, w/payslip free before midnight.

Tins On Toast Indie, pop, electro and dance from Steve Harris, Liam Young, Ed Wilder from Club NME and Bandangos.

The Purple Turtle, Crowndale Rd, NW1 1TN (020 7383 4976).

7pm-late. £5, NUS/w/flyer £3.

TUESDAY 3 Jamm Sandwich Eddie Pillar, Arthur Baker and Lascelle Gordon spin pop, hip-hop, R‘n’B and dance hits. The Purple Turtle, Crowndale Rd, NW1 1TN (020 7383 4976).

6.30pm. £5, £3 guestlist.

No Quarter DJs Maz and TV Nights play rock, funk and hip-hop, plus live performances from Harry Oakwood, Fanc Cinelli, Patch, The Giant, Islander and Harry.

Notting Hill Arts Club, Notting Hill Gate, W11 3JQ (020 7460 4459).

7pm-2am. £8, w/flyer £6.

Panic Max Panic, Gaz Panic and That Perfect Fumble spin indie, electro, retro and pop. The Roxy, Rathbone Place, W1T 1HJ (020 7255 1098).

10pm-3am. £5, NUS/w/flyer £3, w/flyer free before 10.30pm.

Smash Lab V / King Pong Slam Jam Pluah (eluah) plays ambient electronica with live performance art in the basement, plus ping pong on the ground floor. The Book Club, Leonard St, EC2A 4RH (020 7684 8618).

7pm-11.30pm. £5, concs £4.

White Heat DJs Matty, Olly and Marcus spin electro, techno and indie. Madame Jojo’s, Brewer St, W1F 0SE (020 7734 3040).

10.30pm-3am. £5, concs/flyer £4.

22

FRIDAY 6

DAVID GUETTA Alexandra Palace. Jun 1. £36.50 This is Guetta’s biggest London show to date, so expect the crowd to be amped as they sing and party to the Frenchman’s many dance anthems.

N22 7AY

Wood Green

WEDNESDAY 4 Cheapskates Old school hip-hop, electro and disco courtesy of DJ Downfall. Moonlighting, Greek St, W1D 4DR (020 7437 5782/ cc 020 7287 3727). 9pm-3.30am. £6.50, NUS £5.50, w/flyer £4.50.

Choke Resident DJs play hip-hop, drum ‘n’ bass, electro, indie and grime. The Roxy, Rathbone Place, W1T 1HJ (020 7255 1098). 10pm-3am. £5, NUS/w/flyer £4, guestlist £3.

Dance Nights Princess Karina and DJ Gary Baldi spin dance hits. EC3 Live, Crosswall, EC3N 2JY (020 7488 1766). 11.30pm-3am. £10.

Fat Poppa Daddys Resident DJs spin hip-hop, funk, electro, house, dubstep, 1980s hits, indie and reggae. One, Leicester Sq, WC2H 7NA (020 7437 0453).

11pm-2am. £5, free before midnight.

Filthy Lucre Promotions Presents Electro and pop courtesy of DJ Ryan Paul and DJ Antwerp, plus live music from Picture Book and The Voyeurist. The Macbeth, Hoxton St, N1 6LP (020 7749 0600). 7pm. £3.

N*A*S*I*N SoniX, Brahim and Punk Gareth play punk, rock, metal and ska. The Borderline, Orange Yard, Manette St, W1D 4JB (0870 060 3777/ cc 0871 231 0842). 11pm-3am. £5, w/flyer £4, NUS £3, mems £2.

Nowhere To Run DJ duo Double Agent 7 spin rock ‘n’ roll, 1960s soul and R‘n’B. The Globe, Talbot Rd, W11 2AT (0207 727 6384). 10pm2.30am. £3, free before 11.30pm.

Smile Resident DJs play funky house, club classics and pop. Thirst, Greek St, W1D 3DR (020 7437 1977).

5pm-3am. £4, £3 before midnight.

Trannyoke DJ Matt spins pop and dance, with host Lady Lloyd, and karaoke. Escape Bar, Brewer St, W1F 0SU (020 7734 3040). 9pm-3am. Free.

Trannyshack Miss Dusty O, Tasty Tim and Lady Lloyd spin commercial dance and pop.

Madame Jojo’s, Brewer St, W1F 0SE (020 7734 3040). 10pm-3am. £5, w/flyer £3, free before midnight.

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

alexandrapalace.com Work Lee Harris, Niyi Maximus Crown and Big John Freeman spin house, pop, electro, R‘n’B, funk and dancehall. Fire, South Lambeth Rd, SW8 1UQ (020 7582 9890).

11pm-5am. £5, £4 before 1am.

THURSDAY 5 360º Easter Weekender House and techno courtesy of Sharam in room one, Rui Da Silva, Lorenzo Panico, Thanksmate, Scott Kemp and Womso in room two and Mellohonik in room three. Egg, York Way, N7 9AX (020 7871 7111).

10pm-10am. £13, adv £10.

Airbound DMX Krew, Neville Watson, Daniel Wang and Krystal Klear spin house, disco and techno, plus Shocko performs live. Corsica Studios, Elephant Rd, SE17 1LB (020 7703 4760).

11.30pm-6am. £10, adv £8.

Calentito Pop, R‘n’B, and soul.

Salvador And Amanda, Great Newport St, WC2H 7JA (020 7240 1551). 9pm3am. £10, free before 9pm, guestlist £5.

Carl Cox Pre Party Resident DJs play funky house. Gigalum, Cavendish Parade, Clapham Common South Side, SW4 9DW (020 8772 0303). 7pm-late. Free.

Carl Cox Pre Party Resident DJs play funky house. Gigalum, Cavendish Parade, Clapham Common South Side, SW4 9DW (020 8772 0303). 7pm-late. Free.

The Gallery Easter Special The New Iberican League, Gavyn Mytchel, Kidology Birthday, K Klass, Mark Wilkinson, Nathan C, Olivier Garth, Subbass, Andy Delmor, Pat Duck, Scott McGurk, Grant Mossman, Diego Cordioli, Wayne Denham and Fly Or Die supply house, electro, trance and techno across four rooms. The Ministry Of Sound, Gaunt St, SE1 6DP (0870 060 0010). 10.30pm-6am. £14.

Fields Graphics and The Slow Revolt spin dubstep, electronica and techno, plus live performances from Ghosting Season and Raffertie. Electrowerkz, Torrens St, EC1V 1NQ (020 7837 6419).

10pm-6am. £15, adv £9 & £12.

One Kiss DJs Krisis and Melody Kane spin house, mash-ups, electro, dance anthems, R‘n’B, hip-hop and commercial dance. One, Leicester Sq, WC2H 7NA (020 7437 0453).

10pm-3am. £10, £5 before 11pm, ladies free before 11.30pm.

Idiosynphonic Easter Rave Delta Heavy, Shock One, Distance, Sub Zero, Shock One, Silkie, Quest, XKore, TomekN, Phonografik, Emperor, Centra, Gazzinho, Ranoutsider, Duku & Sibla, Kenneth Egan, Bad Bob, Dodge & Fuski, Tomba, Dream, Stinkahbell, Torqux & Twist, Baratone and TMF spin drum ‘n’ bass, dubstep and electro. Cable, Bermondsey St, SE1 2EG (020 7403 7730). 10pm-6am. £12.

One Nation DJs Drumsound And Bassline Smith, The Prototypes, Sub Zero, Sigma, Shadow Demon Coalition, Original Sin, Serial Killaz and Nicky Blackmarket spin drum ‘n’ bass in the main room, while Micky Finn, Kenny Ken, Brockie, Jumpin’ Jack Frost, Phantasy and Devious D mix jungle in room two, plus MCs Eksman, Skibadee, Harry Shotta, Shabba D, Felon, Evil B, Ragga Twins, Fearless and Det. Proud 2, Peninsula Sq, SE10 0DX (020 7482 3867). 10pm-6am. £20, adv £10 upto 31st Mar.

Mulletover 8th Birthday Maya Jane Coles, Geddes, Efdenim, Appleblim, Gavin Herlihy, Midland and George Fitzgerald spin house and techno, plus Carl Craig Presents 69 live. Pulse, Invicta Plaza, SE1 9UF (020 7403 9643). 10pm-7am. £20.

The Revolution DJ Carl Cox spins techno and house. Electric Brixton, Town Hall Parade, Brixton Hill, SW2 1RJ (020 7274 2290). 10pm-6am. £20.

Roto Presents Danny Daze, Miguel Campbell and Billy Stock supply house, disco and techno. Club Warehouse, Harbet Rd, N18 3HT (020 8807 0078). 10pm-6am. £8-£20.

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SATURDAY 7 Above & Beyond Pre Party Resident DJs spin funky house.

Gigalum, Cavendish Parade, Clapham Common South Side, SW4 9DW (020 8772 0303). 7pm-late. Free.

Benny Benassi & Friends House, techno, trance and electro courtesy of the Italian DJ and producer, plus DJs Etienne De Crecy, Felguk, Daniele Davoli, Santero, Luke Walker, UNIT 9, Audiomode, Nimo, Paolo Moreno, Will Clarke, DeeAfro, Steve Westover, TechFunkers, Jayson Smythe, Jack Pates and DJ Corvus. The Ministry Of Sound, Gaunt St, SE1 6DP (0870 060 0010). 11pm-7am. £20.

Bodymove House, techno and disco courtesy of ATFC, Rae and Femi B in room one, Cinetique Records and Delgado in room two, Dirty Disco hosts in room three and I Give Good Face hosts in room four. Egg, York Way, N7 9AX (020 7871 7111). 10pm-10am. £15.

Fabric In Room 1 are Damian Lazarus, Maceo Plex, Subb-An and Amirali. In Room 2 are Terry Francis, Joris Voorn and Marc Houle and in Room 3 are Seuil, Le Loup and Marc Schneider.

Fabric, Charterhouse St, EC1M 6HJ (020 7336 8898). 11pm-8am. £20, adv £19, adv £24 inc cd, £12 after 4am, mems £14, NUS £13.

Swamp 81 & 502 Recordings Loefah, Oneman, Boddika, Zed Bias, Mickey Pearce, Pinch, Fis-T, Teeth, Visionist and Will Bankhead spin electro and drum ‘n’ bass. Corsica Studios, Elephant Rd, SE17 1LB (020 7703 4760).

10pm-6am. £15, adv £10.

White Mink Madame Electrifie, Nick Hollywood, Chris Tofu and The World’s Tallest DJ spin electro swing, hip-hop and house, plus Natty Congaroo And The Flames Of Rhythms perform live. The Bedroom Bar, Rivington St, EC2A 3AY (020 7739 5706).

8pm-3am. £12, adv £10.

SUNDAY 8 Above & Beyond UK Group Therapy Tour 2012 Above & Beyond supply uplifting and vocal trance, with Arty and Jaytech on Saturday, and Sander Van Doorn and Mat Zo on Sunday. O2 Academy Brixton, Stockwell Rd, SW9 9SL (0844 477 2000). 10pm-4am. £20.

Easter Bunny Treasure Hunt Resident DJs spin pop, dance and R‘n’B. Cafe De Paris, Coventry St, W1D 6BL (020 7734 7700). 10pm3.30am. £20, £15 before 11.30pm.

The Revolution Carl Cox and Dyed Soundorom spin house and techno. Electric Brixton, Town Hall Parade, Brixton Hill, SW2 1RJ (020 7274 2290). 10pm-4am. £15.

Easter Sunday Resident DJs play funky house and pop.

Gigalum, Cavendish Parade, Clapham Common South Side, SW4 9DW (020 8772 0303). 7pm-late. Free.

Solo Danza In room one System Of Survival, Dennis Christopher, DES and Nicolas Son spin electro and house, while Montana Cruz, Leroy Roberts, Christian Browne and Iain Kemz play techno in room two.

The Rhythm Factory, Whitechapel Rd, E1 1EW (020 7375 3774).

10pm-6am. £15, £8 & £10.

Laidback Luke Swanky Tunes, Albin Myers, Electronic Sessions, Oliver Lang, Tim Cullen, Audio Society, Matt Turner, Dan Jorge & Chris Dewell, Matt Dominguez, DJ2, Lyle M and Dave Walker spin rock, electro and house. The Ministry Of Sound, Gaunt St, SE1 6DP (0870 060 0010). 11pm-7am. £20.

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Jamie Bissmire A musical experiment by the DJ and pianist duo. Kings Place, York Way, N1 9AG (020 7520 1490). £12.50, adv £9.50.

Show Of Hands With Miranda Sykes Acoustic folk duo from Exeter featuring the double bass player and vocalist. Cecil Sharp House, Regents Park Rd, NW1 7AY (020 7485 2206). £20.

Helmet, Fighting With Wire Heavy alt rock by the New York-based band. Electric Ballroom, Camden High St, NW1 8QP (020 7485 9006). £18.

Sons Of Noel And Adrian Alt rock band from London.

Bush Hall, Uxbridge Rd, W12 7LJ (020 8222 6955). £8.50.

Robyn Hitchcock Psych-folk by the London-born singer-songwriter.

The Lexington, Pentonville Rd, N1 9JB (020 7837 5371). £15.

This Will Destroy You Post-rock by the band from San Marcos, Texas. O2 Academy Islington, Parkfield St, N1 0PS (020 7288 4400/ cc 0844 477 2000). £13.50.

Nina Nastasia Alt folk by the New York-based singersongwriter. The Macbeth, Hoxton St, N1 6LP (020 7749 0600). £15.

Lucky Peterson Contemporary blues by Buffalo-born, singerguitarist Judge Kenneth Peterson.

Ronnie Scott’s, Frith St, W1D 4HT (020 7439 0747). £18-£32.50.

Public Image Ltd Former Sex Pistols member John Lydon leads his experimental new wave band.

Heaven, Charing Cross Arches, Villiers St, WC2N 6NG (020 7930 2020). £20.

Rick Ross Hip-hop from the American artist William Leonard Roberts II. Proud 2, Peninsula Sq, SE10 0DX (020 7482 3867). £35, adv £32.50.

Eric Sardinas The American guitarist plays blues-rock.

The Jazz Cafe, Parkway, NW1 7PG (020 7485 6834/cc 0870 060 3777). £15.

You Me At Six Pop-punk and alt rock from the Surrey-based fivepiece. O2 Academy Brixton, Stockwell Rd, SW9 9SL (0844 477 2000). £20.

TUESDAY 3 Lee Fields & The Expressions Classic funk and soul by the American singer and colleagues.

Islington Town Hall, Upper St, N1 2UD (020 7527 2000). £17.50 & £22.50.

Howe Gelb The American singer-songwriter and frontman of the band Giant Sand plays alt rock and Americana songs from the album Tucson. Village Underground, Holywell Ln, EC2A 3PQ (020 7422 7505). £12.

Glasvegas Indie-rock by the Glasgow-based band. The Garage, Highbury Corner, N5 1RD (0870 060 3777/cc 0844 847 1678). £17.

Liz Green Folk-pop by the singersongwriter from the North West of England in support of the album O, Devotion! Bush Hall, Uxbridge Rd, W12 7LJ (020 8222 6955). £12.50.

Kylie Minogue: Anti Tour The glamorous pop showgirl performs b-sides, demos and rarities.

HMV Apollo, Queen Caroline St, W6 9QH (0843 221 0100). £79.

Shearwater Indie-rock band from Austin, Texas. The Scala, Pentonville Rd, N1 9NL (020 7833 2022/ cc 0844 477 1000). £12.50.

Teenage Cancer Trust: Florence + The Machine, Big Deal Singersongwriter Florence Welch leads her outfit in playing indie and folk-influenced pop in support of the album Ceremonials.

Royal Albert Hall, Kensington Gore, SW7 2AP (0845 401 5045). £25-£75.

FRIDAY 6 HARD ROCK CALLING Hyde Park. Jul 13-15. £60 Headlined by Bruce Springsteen on the Saturday night. Expect The Boss to empty the tank, just like he always does. Paul Simon’s on the Sunday.

W2 2UH

Hyde Park Corner

WEDNESDAY 4 Steve Aoki Electro-house by the Californian producer. Koko, Camden High St, NW1 7JE (0870 432 5527). £15.

Andy Collins Indie singersongwriter from London.

The Bedford, Bedford Hill, SW12 9HD (020 8682 8940). £10.

Deer Tick The Rhode Islandbased five-piece plays countryrock. The Garage, Highbury Corner, N5 1RD (0870 060 3777/ cc 0844 847 1678). £12.

The Futureheads The indie fourpiece performs a capella and acoustic versions of its hits to promote the album Rant.

Union Chapel, Compton Terrace, N1 2UN (020 7226 1686). £16.50.

Larry Graham & Graham Central Station Classic funk by the veteran ex-Sly & the Family Stone bassist and his band. The Clapham Grand, St John’s Hill, SW11 1TT (020 7223 6523). £25 & £30.

Christy Moore And Declan Sinnott Folk and traditional Irish singer and musician. Southbank Centre, Belvedere Rd, SE1 8XX (020 7960 4200/cc 0844 875 0073). £25-£35, concs £12.50-£17.50.

Obscura Technical death metal by the Munich-based band.

The Underworld, Camden High St, NW1 0NE (020 7482 1932). £10.

Other Lives The Oklahomabased outfit plays folk-rock.

Village Underground, Holywell Ln, EC2A 3PQ (020 7422 7505). £14.

Polly Paulusma Folk-rock by the Cambridge-based singer-songwriter. The Slaughtered Lamb, Great Sutton St, EC1V 0DX (020 7253 1516). £11.

Po’Girl Folk, country and blues from the Canadian fourpiece. The Borderline, Orange Yard, Manette St, W1D 4JB (0870 060 3777/ cc 0871 231 0842). £12.

Primus The Californian band plays a skewed collision of metal, rock and funk in support of the album Green Naugahyde. Royal Albert Hall, Kensington Gore, SW7 2AP (0845 401 5045). £25-£37.50.

hardrockcalling.co.uk UFO Classic hard rock by Phil Mogg and his veteran crew.

HMV Forum, Highgate Rd, NW5 1JY (020 7344 0044). £21.

THURSDAY 5 Wallis Bird Pop-rock by the London-based singer-songwriter.

Dingwalls, Camden Lock, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AB (020 7428 0010/ cc 020 7428 5929). £8.50.

Gang Colours Ambient-electro from Southampton-based musician Will Ozanne. The Vortex Jazz Club, Dalston Culture House, Gillett St, N16 8JH (020 7254 4097). £8.

Daniel Higgs The former Lungfish frontman and American singer-songwriter plays alt folk. Cafe Oto, Ashwin St, E8 3DL (020 7923 1231). £10, adv £8.

Ed Jones Quartet Blue Note style bop and improv with a touch of funk from the sax-led combo. The Hideaway, Stanthorpe Rd, SW16 2ED (020 8835 7070). £10.

Latin Quarter, Becky CJ The outfit plays reggae and folkinfused pop-rock combo. The Bedford, Bedford Hill, SW12 9HD (020 8682 8940). £10.

Glen Matlock Rock and punk from the London-born singersongwriter and former Sex Pistols bassist. Monto Water Rats, Gray’s Inn Rd, WC1X 8BZ (020 7837 4412). £10.

Loreena McKennitt Celtic by the Canadian singersongwriter.Barbican Centre, Silk St, EC2Y 8DS (020 7638 8891/ cc 020 7638 8891). £32.50-£40.

Agitation Free Avant garde rock by the German band. The Jazz Cafe, Parkway, NW1 7PG (020 7485 6834/ cc 0870 060 3777). £17.50.

Bad For Lazarus Heavy rock by the Brighton-based band. The Troubadour, Old Brompton Rd, SW5 9JA (020 7370 1434). £8, £7 before 10pm.

Beoga, The Long Notes The Irish five-piece plays experimental folk.

Irish Cultural Centre, Blacks Rd, W6 9DT (020 8563 8232). £12 & £15.

Caspar Brotzmann Massaker Avant garde noise-rock and metal by the German guitarist and band members. Cafe Oto, Ashwin St, E8 3DL (020 7923 1231). £14, adv £12.

Cast John Power’s veteran Liverpool-based ensemble performs indie and Britpop. O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8TT (020 8354 3300/ cc 0844 477 2000). £22.50.

Peter Doherty Romantic indierock from the Libertine and Babyshambles frontman. Jamm, Brixton Rd, SW9 6LH (020 7346 8920/ cc 020 7274 5537). £25, adv £22.50.

Drugstore, Vadoinmessico Indie-tinged dream pop from Isabel Monteiro’s London-based band. The Lexington, Pentonville Rd, N1 9JB (020 7837 5371). £12.50.

The Gyro The London-based four-piece plays acoustic funk. Arch, Lendal Terrace, SW4 7UX (020 7720 7343). £6.

The Happy Mondays Shaun Ryder reforms his old band to maintain the baggy pop revival. IndigO2, Peninsula Sq, SE10 0DX (0871 220 0260). £25.

Alex Metric House and electronica from the DJ and producer.

The Nest, Stoke Newington Rd, N16 7XJ (020 7354 9993). £7.

Motor City Revue The London-based outfit plays soul. Fiddler’s Elbow, Malden Rd, NW5 3HS (020 7485 3269). £7.

Chris Rea The veteran singersongwriter and slide-guitar virtuoso plays his pop and blues-tinted soft rock hits. HMV Apollo, Queen Caroline St, W6 9QH (0843 221 0100). £35.

Soul House An open stage for aspiring performers. Upstairs At The Ritzy, Coldharbour Ln, SW2 1JG (0871 704 2065). £7, OAP/NUS £6.

Reel People Funk and dance by the London-based outfit.

Ronnie Scott’s, Frith St, W1D 4HT (020 7439 0747). £20-£40.

Sparrow And The Workshop The Glasgow-based three-piece plays alternative rock and indie.

The Windmill, Blenheim Gardens, SW2 5BZ (020 8671 0700). £7.

Retribution Gospel Choir Indierock by the Duluth-based band.

The Old Blue Last, Great Eastern St, EC2A 3ES (020 7739 7033). £10.

Sulk, Fractures The London-based five-piece plays alt psychedelic.

Ginglik, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8PH (020 8749 2310). £6 & £8.

SATURDAY 7 Clark, Nathan Fake The electronic artist performs songs from the album Iradelphic. Village Underground, Holywell Ln, EC2A 3PQ (020 7422 7505). £12.50.

The Cuban Brothers Latin funk with a twist of humour from the London-based outfit. Bloomsbury Bowling Lanes, Basement Of Tavistock Hotel, Tavistock Sq, WC1H 9EU (020 7183 1979). £7 & £8, adv £5.

Five Working Days Indie-pop by the London-based band.

Dublin Castle, Parkway, NW1 7AN (020 8806 2668). £7, adv £5.

Rahat Fateh Ali Khan Qawwali by the Pakistani singer. Wembley Arena, Arena Sq, Engineers Way, HA9 0DH (0870 060 0870). £25-£100.

McFly: Keep Calm And Play Louder Tour The charttopping four-piece plays lively pop-rock and pop-punk.

HMV Apollo, Queen Caroline St, W6 9QH (0843 221 0100). £27.50.

Parkway Drive Hardcore metal by the band from Byron Bay, USA. IndigO2, Peninsula Sq, SE10 0DX (0871 220 0260). £15.

Pelican Heavy alt rock by the Chicago-based band. The Garage, Highbury Corner, N5 1RD (0870 060 3777/ cc 0844 847 1678). £13.

Reuben Richards & Soul Train Blues, funk and soul from the seven-piece. Dover St Restaurant And Bar, Dover St, W1S 4LQ (020 7629 9813). £15, before 10pm free, free to diners.

We Were Evergreen The Paris-based three-piece plays twee folk and indiepop. Islington Town Hall, Upper St, N1 2UD (020 7527 2000). £12.

Paul Woolford, Shane Watcha, Dee:Na, Laura Essence Dance music producer and DJ from London. Cargo, Rivington St, EC2A 3AY (020 7739 3440). £8-£15.

Wunmi, Amira Kheir & Abdoulaye Samb, Black Ph03nix Afrobeat, house and alt funk from the singer. Rich Mix, Bethnal Green Rd, E1 6LA (020 7613 7498). £10, adv £7.

SUNDAY 8 Bluesdockings The threepiece plays modern blues.

Colour House Theatre, Merton Abbey Mills, off Merantun Way, SW19 2RD (020 8542 5511). £6.

Cher Lloyd R‘n’B, urban pop and hip-hop from the vocalist and 2010 X Factor finalist, promoting her album Sticks & Stones. IndigO2, Peninsula Sq, SE10 0DX (0871 220 0260). £17-£22.50.

Satinder Sartaaj The Indian Punjabi singer performs.

Barbican Centre, Silk St, EC2Y 8DS (020 7638 8891). £25-£100.

Kim Doo Soo, Steffen BashoJunghans Contemporary folk with psychedelic overtones by the Korean singer-songwriter.

Cafe Oto, Ashwin St, E8 3DL (020 7923 1231). £14, adv £12.

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Clockwise: Udderbelly at night; Andrew Maxwell; the scene on the Southbank; Cantina; and inside the purple cow

[Caption] 26

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Udderly good summer fun The Udderbelly Festival moo-ves back into South Bank this week, bringing with it a stellar line-up of comedy, cabaret and excitement WORDS JAHN VANNISSELROY

You probably know there’s a mayoral election in London next month. And you probably figure it’ll be a two-horse race, fought by a couple of political thoroughbreds. But now a third candidate, a dark horse (or should that be donkey?), has announced his policies – and could very well do some damage. Comedian Milton Jones is known for appearing on BBC2’s Mock The Week, where the 47-year-old Londoner delves into a seemingly never-ending bag of deadpan one-liners. Now prepare for him to launch his vision for the capital on the South Bank this month, as one of the big draws at the Udderbelly Festival.

Jones is just one act on the 13-and-a-half-week event’s 70-strong bill, which features carefully chosen performers from around the world, and is fast becoming a London summer institution. Originally from Edinburgh, Udderbelly, the brainchild of live entertainment company Underbelly, features comedy, cabaret and family shows in its giant upsidedown inflatable purple cow from April 5-July 8.

Among this year’s acts Australian comedians the arcebic Brendon Burns, the quick-witted Wil Anderson and the musically talented Tim Minchin. Alongside them will be Claytime, where audiences are encouraged to get down and dirty with clay; US comedian Greg Proops, from Whose Line Is It Anyway?; and the twisted world of Friday Night Freakshow, featuring sword swallowers and singing Nazis.

With an outdoor bar that anyone, not just ticketholders, can frequent, Udderbelly is the perfect place to spend a warm evening. The combination of beer, laughter and absurdity appeals to Jones as the perfect platform from which to launch his bid to become the capital’s main man.

“London’s already got an idiot with a stupid hairstyle for mayor,” he cracks. ”Why not have another one?“ And Jones’s tongue-in-cheek policies, which form the intro of his self-titled show at Udderbelly, are sure to win him fans among more than a few cynical Londoners.

“If I was mayor, I’d offer every student a job as a speed hump,“ the comedian pledges. “I’d also make the London Eye go round really fast; rebrand London Underground as a ghost train; to celebrate the women of Essex I’d rename the place ’Orange County’; and I’d solve unemployment, and crime, by making everyone a policeman.

“I think people are so fed up with the party politics that they might even vote for me.”

Jones is looking forward to playing Udderbelly again, having previously been involved in both the Edinburgh and London festivals, and says the bank of the Thames is the perfect place to hold it.

“

You're less likely to get mugged at South Bank

”

“You’re probably less likely to get mugged down at South Bank, as there are more theatregoers than there are skateboarder types,” he laughs. “It’s like a fringe of the National Theatre, the atmosphere is great with all the bars and the cafes down there. You can see a show and then hang out. It’s a sustained presence on the Thames.”

That sort of praise is music to the ears of festival director Ed Bartlam. He knew Udderbelly’s vibe would succeed ››

Milton for mayor: better hair than Boris?

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27

Udderbelly: great after work when the event finally made it to London three years ago, after more than a decade in the Scottish capital.

“You can come and see a show at 7pm, it lasts an hour, so you can be home by nine or hang around and see the 9pm show if you want to. You don’t have to commit to the whole evening, unless you’d like to,” he says.

“The aim has always been to create an affordable live entertainment festival. That’s something we feel very strongly about and the majority of our tickets are between £10-20, so it’s an affordable, great night out.”

Udderbelly sold 55,000 tickets at last year’s London event and Bartlam expects to top that this year. In fact, he's bound to: for 2012, the festival’s added another component, The London Wonderground – a 1920s mirrored spiegeltent that will sit alongside the cow.

Wonderground will be headlined by Australian peformance troupe Cantina, which will serve up a sensational cocktail of glamorous vaudeville and scintillating circus.

“The Wonderground programme’s more cabaret music, sideshow and circus –1920s Coney Island freakshows, that sort of thing,“ Bartlam says.

“It has a different look and feel to Udderbelly, but it’s the same idea: come down, have a couple of beers and watch a couple of shows and just hang out.“

Another of Udderbelly 2012’s big acts is Irish-born, Londonbased comedian Andrew Maxwell. Unlike Jones, he’s not even considering running for office, but does have some keen observations on those in power.

“Ultimately the political class’s job, anywhere in the world, is to treat us like mushrooms,“ he says. “They keep us in the dark and feed us shit.“ The funnyman will be performing his award-nominated show from the Edinburgh Festival to Udderbelly. While it’s under wraps at the moment, he promises his blend of cuttingedge comedy, intrepid social commentary and political protagonism will challenge audiences.

“Whatever’s big, horrible and funny – that's what's going to be in it,“ he says. “Modern society is about constantly finding new things to be offended by. Everyone’s a victim, everyone’s very sensitive. Nothing gets addressed. That’s the level we’re at. We can’t say anything. But for a comedian to stand there and make fun of things, it opens things up. People actually do love to laugh at their own shitty situations.“ He may not want to be mayor, but that scenario’s got our vote, that’s for sure. ❚ Udderbelly, Apr 5-July 8. Wonderground, May 8-Sep 30.

Milton Jones, May 22, 9pm. £17.50. Andrew Maxwell, Jun 30. 7.45pm. £15.50 Cantina, May 8-30, times vary. From £10. See website for full line-up.

Southbank Centre, SE1 8XX udderbelly.co.uk Waterloo

So, what's with the purple cow?

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"In 2006, the idea came about to build our own tent. We were out having a couple of drinks with some comedians and they said: 'If you’re going to build a tent, you may as well put a head, an udder and some legs on it, and you’ve got your brand.'

We thought it was a great idea.

"It's been to some people’s pleasure and others' displeasure. But it makes most smile and stands out, and that's that main thing."

Photos: Udderbelly

It may seem like an unlikely logo, but the Udderbelly's purple cow has become synonymous with South Bank.

As festival director Ed Bartlam explains, it all started in Scotland.

"The Underbelly venue is on a road called Cowgate in Edinburgh, so the designer came up with an upside-down purple cow.

Underbelly: upside-down cow. Maybe his favourite colour was purple? I don’t know.

BIC RUNGA

Wednesday 18 April

O2 SHEPHERDS BUSH EMPIRE

0844 477 2000 | gigsandtours.com | stargreen.com bicrunga.com

A Metropolis Music presentation by arrangement with CAA

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Doug Stanhope The US stand-up on why drunk is best, hanging out with the mayor of Reykjavík and why he’ll never make it in politics, INTERVIEW ALASDAIR MORTON

So what’s your latest tour about?

We don’t ‘themes’ – that is a very Edinbugh problem – so it is about whatever I can think of.

Do you like to improvise then?

The smaller shows more so, but with theatre shows there is less room to fuck around – you can’t see the crowd, let alone banter with them.

So you prefer the smaller shows?

If they were all equal, I’d never do more than 125 seats. I like the chaos of a good bar show when everyone is slouching round hurling shots down their head.

Do you enjoy upsetting people?

Yeah. The longer I do it, the more and more I am preaching to a choir, so the harder it is to find stuff that tests limits.

What drives your comedy these days?

It is a nice outlet for your internal rage against all things that suck. It is not going to make the bit of difference but it makes you feel good.

Why’s your new DVD titled Before Turning The Gun On Himself?

It’s just a cool fucking title. It came from two album titles ago when I wanted to use it, but then there was the huge Virginia Tech shooting, where the guy turned the gun on himself. The record company didn’t want to use that title cos they were afraid that it wasn’t going to get in to box [chain] stores. So I pocketed the title and went with a different record company who let me do what the fuck I want!

Photos: Steven Meckler

Who were your comedy influences?

The guy who made me write my own jokes was Andrew Dice Clay. Not real deep, but the comedy scene was so benign and ‘Jerry Seinfeld’ when Andrew came out. He was raw and filthy and unapologetic. I was a 22-year-old kid and in the perfect state of mind for that.

Comedy is far more mainstream now – how does that make you feel?

It’s a much better way to go if you want to make some money, but I wouldn’t be able to temper it and do shit that got me on TV. If I wanted to sell out I wouldn’t know how to do it.

Bar room rules: Doug in his favoured environment You did some TV for Charlie Brooker’s Screenwipe, though …

Yeah, I don’t know how it came together, whether they found me or my manager found them.

I did Screenwipe, which was filmed at the Soho Theatre, and then Newswipe, most of that was filmed at my house in Arizona.

And you did The Man Show in the US ...

That was terrible, but a beautiful learning experience about how American TV works, how you have no control. I don’t want any part of it.

What was it that you wanted to do with the show?

Joe Rogan [co-host] and I have a very similar bent, but that show was a lot of farts and remote controls and monkeys with hats on, while we were death and conspiracy and drugs. We tried to put a darker angle on it, but they had none of it and it wound up being a giant piece of shit.

Did you enjoy it at the time?

Yeah, it was like college for television and we had a blast. We were complete fuck-ups, we were living in our offices, partying on the lot, trashing stuff, stealing props. It was a circus.

Why did you decide to do a show in a maximum security prison?

To go to Iceland.

And that was the easiest way to go?

I’d read a story about how the mayor of Reykjavík [Jón Gnarr] was a comedian who ran a joke campaign and then accidentally got elected, so I shot him over an email. It turns out that he’d just seen some of the Brooker stuff. We went out there and hung out with him, and went to the Höfði house, where Reagan and Gorbachev held their summit. We then went to the prison for a quick show. It was terrible, but they loved it.

My act appeals only to a small limited group of people, so I had to bring it back to the most basic dick jokes!

You tried to run for US president in 2008 – would you consider doing it again?

No, that was the biggest abortion I have ever done in my career. I thought it would be a fun platform to get some points across, but due to the amount of red tape and bullshit, it sucked and made me realise that I don’t know anything about politics. I have a few points of view I can argue, but I don’t know shit and I don’t care, which makes it impossible to learn. To try and learn about tort reform just to have a good one liner, fuck that!

Before Turning The Gun On Himself is out now courtesy of Roadrunner UK. Doug plays Hammersmith Apollo on Sat, April 21. £20 W6 9QH venues.meanfiddler.com/apollo Hammersmith

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LONDONSCENE

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Mrs Doubtfire refused to give up her catwalk dream

THIS MUST BE THE PLACE FILM review by Alasdair Morton STARRING: Sean Penn, Frances McDormand, Judd Hirsch | 15 | 118mins

TITANIC 3D FILM STARRING: Leonardo Di Caprio, Kate Winslet | 12A | 194mins

The biggest film of all time, until its director came and knocked himself off the top spot with Avatar, Titanic was a sprawling, FX-laden, dire-alogue spouting behemoth. Given James Cameron’s fondness for 3D but dislike of post-production conversions, you can expect the job here to be top dollar. It might even make him king of the world all over again.

On general release from Friday

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Sean Penn, despite his tendencies towards over-seriousness, is a remarkable actor who fearlessly throws himself into roles. He was ace as the first US elected gay political figure in Milk (for which he won an Oscar), and is equally excellent here in Paolo Sorrentino’s indie-drama/revenge road movie (yes, all those genres in one).

Penn plays Cheyenne, an ageing rock star (think The Cure’s Robert Smith) holed up in his Dublin mansion, living off his royalties while drowning in self-pity and depression – for the father who didn’t love him and for the two teenagers who committed suicide to one of his songs. When news comes of his father’s approaching passing, he sets off on a journey to New York and beyond, and finds himself reconnecting with his Jewish ancestry, and facing his impending emotional maturity, as he finishes off his father’s work to track down the Nazi who tormented him during the Second World War. The Oscar-winner is top draw as the whimpering, man-child who’s never left the teenage dreams behind. Frances McDormand, as his playful, supportive wife, is terrific, if terribly underused, and Judd Hirsch brings gravitas as one of Cheyenne’s father’s friends whose life is driven and shadowed by the Holocaust.

It’s full of indie quirks and moments of wonder – Cheyenne playing a couple of kids at ping pong in a roadside diner, for one – and a climactic revelation lingers provactively, but director Sorentino takes his time in reaching the Nazi-hunting set-up, a journey in itself that may be too long for some.

GOOD FOR: Seeing Penn do what he does best (not banging on about politics)

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GIVE US A

THE THINKING DRINKER’S GUIDE TO ALCOHOL

GIGGLE!

COMEDY

Drinks experts Ben Mcfarland and Tom Sandham take you on a humorous, anecdote-laden journey through booze’s relationship with us all – how it has affected society, literature, nights out, and killed millions of brain cells worldwide.

Boozing, but with class and style, and probably a hangover, too – it’s unavoidable.

Ha ha!

Soho Theatre 21 Dean Street, W1D 3NE. Apr 5-7. £15 Oxford Circus sohotheatre.com

ANIMALS INSIDE OUT

AFTER MISS JULIE

EXHIBITION

THEATRE

A literal title – no touchy-feely getting-to knowour-furry-and-feathered-earthmates vibes here – this exhibition features more than 80 animals, incuding goats, giraffes and octopuses, which have opened up in the name of science so we can see their biology, physiology and learn how evolution has worked. Icky, but fascinating.

Natalie Abrahami’s naturalistic revival, plays out, like the original, in the kitchen where the daughter of the house descends to the servant’s quarters to flirt with her father’s chauffeur as the Labour party storms to power in 1945. A provocative and powerful production in which power still resides with Julie’s unseen father. LK

National History Museum Cromwell Road, SW7 5BD. Apr 6-Sept 16. £9 South Kensington nhm.ac.uk

Young Vic The Cut, SE1 8LZ. Until Apr 14. £17.50 Southwark youngvic.org

ABANDOMAN What’s the show about?

It’s a freestyle hip-hop comedy show – an improvised performance with improvised songs.

Do you get strange requests?

All the time for freestyle. We did a gig for a business company who asked us to sit in on on their annual meeting and then surmise the minutes in a rap song.

Photos: Opulence Studios

Weirdest show you’ve done?

We did one on a bus at 9am for a stag do. We were told not to tell anyone on the bus that we were entertainers, so people thought we were just a couple of other guys on the stag do. When we started performing, everyone thought we were just really over-eager!

HEADHUNTERS

SWEENEY TODD

FILM

THEATRE

Hot on the heels of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo comes this equally dark crime thriller – the first Jo Nesbo novel to be adapted for the big screen – about a corporate headhunter who masquerades as an art thief by night. Full of the sort of dark, repressed tensions, cover-ups and conspiracies synonymous with Scandinavian crime fiction in recent years.

Michael Ball is unrecognisable as the Demon Barber of Fleet Street, back incognito, after 15 years away, to wreak revenge on the judge who unjustly had him deported. Gory and glorious, this is an occasion to relish long after the curtain comes down and John Bowe’s self-flagellating Judge Turpin has been justly despatched. LK

On general release from Friday, Apr 6

Adelphi Strand, WC2E 7NA. Until Sept 22. £20+ Charing Cross sweeneytoddwestend.com

Where did the name come from?

It started at a show at the Brighton Fringe Festival in 2008. I was originally a one-man band – ‘a band of man’ – and it just kind of stuck.

ROFL & LOL Comedy

The Finsbury,

N4 1BY. Wed, Apr 11. Free

Manor House

facebook.com/roflandlol Udderbelly Festival

Belvedere Road,

SE1 7GP. Apr 13 & May 11. £15.50 Waterloo

udderbelly.co.uk

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33

SPARETIME

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Esperanza Spalding: Radio Music Society

@tntmagazine

Rhythm Thief And The Emperor’s Treasure

DVD

Nintendo 3DS

Grab a glass of wine and enjoy spellbinding jazz. £12.00 mdt.co.uk

Approach this game with sharp sleuthing skills and solid dance moves. £29.85 thehut.com

Roxette: Travelling

Pandora’s Tower – Special Edition

DVD

There’s no stopping this decades-old Swedish pop phenomenon. £13.68

Wii

Break a curse before your beloved friend turns into an horrific beast. £39.99 play.com

grooves-inc.co.uk

Susan Cain: Quiet: The Power Of Introverts In A World That Can’t Stop Talking

Discovr People iPhone/iPad app

Find interesting people to follow on Twitter. £0.69 itunes.apple.com

Book

A celebration of the quieter types among us. £16.97 fishpond.com

Doctor Mole

Dimitri Verhulst: The Misfortunates

Scan moles on your body to compare over time.

Free play.google.com

Android app

Book

The author paints a gruelling tale of Belgian alcoholics. £11.69 waterstones.com

Kodak ZMI Mini camcorder Gadget

Capture great moments with this itty-bitty camera. £29.99 wilkinson.co.uk

Switch DVD

An explosive action thriller, starring ex-French footballer Eric Cantona. £9.99 amazon.co.uk

Ear iPhone case iPhone 4 case

Life’s too short to be serious – give someone an earful. £7.99

Hugo DVD

paramountzone.com

Martin Scorsese’s foray into children’s movies is the perfect vessel for his passion for film. £9.99 sainsburysentertainment.co.uk

App of the Week Shopitize Android/iPhone

Take a photo of your shopping receipts for this app to store, plus extract data from, and get unique offers on all your fave goods.

Free shopitize.com

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LIFESTYLESHOPPING

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All Over flag print T-shirt Show some American pride in this simple tee.

American flag hotpants Pair with a simple white top for the ultimate trendy Americana look.

American flag sweatshirt A comfy way to say U-S-A.

asos.com

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£16

.99

SALEWATCH SAMPLE HUNTERS DESIGNER SAMPLE SALE Get your mitts on some lovely designer gear for cheap at Sample Hunters Designer Sample Sale. There’ll be excess stock from various fashion designers and distributors at 40-90 per cent off the original price. This spring, the sample sale moves to Mayfair’s Music Room, but still boasts its usual host of international labels.

Items include both men’s and women’s clothing, shoes and accessories. Keep an eye out for brands like Marc Jacobs, Missoni, Jimmy Choo and Lanvin. Deals include Armani Jeans marked down from £140 to £20, Vivienne Westwood ballerina flats reduced from £110 to £59 and up to 70-80 per cent off D&G women’s and men’s clothing. Now there’s no excuse not to fill your wardrobe right up with this year’s trends.

OPEN Wed, Apr 4, 2pm-8.30pm and Thur Apr 5, 11am-7.30pm COST £1 admission samplehunters.co.uk The Music Room, 26 South Molton Lane, London, W1K 5LF TEL 0207 629 8199 Bond Street

American Dream

Aztec flag print T-shirt Spice up the usual stars and stripes with this Mexicaninspired number.

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Stars & stripes shorts You’ll make Uncle Sam proud in these vibrant pants.

newlook.com

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Star-spangled boots Make a very large statement in these killer heels. chockersshoes.co.uk

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USA flag cropped tee Love the long summer days in this crop. Best worn with a bikini top and hotpants.

.90

Converse USA All-Stars Take these all-American trainers out for a run. amazon.co.uk

urbanoutfitters.co.uk

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35

LIFESTYLEHEALTH CLASS OF THE WEEK

URBAN GOLF

Fond of the gentlemen’s game of golf, but not got any courses in your neighbourhood? Or maybe you’ve never picked up a club before and the thought of standing on the fairway and teeing off for the first time is too daunting. Or perhaps you’re just a little rusty and need some practice out of the spotlight.

Whatever your situation, Urban Golf has the answer.

With locations in Smithfield, Soho and Kensington, Urban Golf is just lke real golf, only the clubhouse is less snooty. It involves hitting a ball indoors towards a giant screen in one of their simulators, and you don’t get a caddy. You can get direction though – in one of the many lessons and classes on offer, ranging from beginners off the street to full-blown Rory MclIroystyled pros (prices range from £129 for three 30min sessions or £159 if there’s two of you), with expert instruction from one of the UK’s top golf coaches on offer, too.

The booths can also be hired by the hour for £40, and, for a limited time, £20 on Sundays and Mondays and £25 after 5pm on Friday.

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Time to man up Sometimes guys need pampering too – even if they can’t admit it – and London has it all...

WORDS CLARE VOOGHT

With TOWIE bringing buff, hairless and orange torsos, groomed eyebrows and bleach-white teeth to our screens, it’s way more accepted that guys should take care of themselves. So we’ve picked our five favourite treatments in London for the boys.

Homme capital force at Richard Ward’s Hair & Metrospa, £20 Between driving dangerously, Top Gear’s Richard Hammond visits this salon just off the King’s Road. Make him proud by giving your hair a quick treat with a hydrating and energising Kerastase treatment, that’ll leave your hair feeling ultra-conditioned.

You’ll also be chilled into blissful relaxation with a head massage and the treatment will end with a total cleanse with a shampoo to suit your hair type. Richard Ward, who runs the salon, also styles hair on ITV’s popular Lorraine’s Breakfast Show, so you’ll be in good hands.

82 Duke of York Square, SW3 4LY richardward.com Sloane Square

60-minute intensive facial at Jason Shankey Male Grooming, £52 The aim of this men-only haven in Fulham is to change people’s views of male grooming by showing that looking good “improves your opportunities in life” and that taking care of yourself is simple. Get a facial tailored to your own skin, whether that’s dry, oily or combination. You’ll have a steam exfoliation and removal of unattractive blackheads before a lymphatic drainage massage is performed on your face and shoulders to get rid of toxins. To finish, you’ll be treated to a relaxing mask.

19 Jerdan Place, SW6 1BE

jasonshankey.com

Fulham Broadway

The angel wings wax at Karine Jackson’s salon, £17 Keeping your back fuzz-free is important.

That’s why Karine Jackson has added the angel wings wax to the men’s spa at her Covent Garden salon. It focuses specifically on the shoulders and upper back, which is

Kensington High Street, W8 5SF; 33 Great Pulteney Street, W1F 9NW; 12 Smithfield Street, EC1A 9LA urbangolf.co.uk High Street Ken, Tottenham Court Rd & Barbican

TOWIE’s Mark isn’t afraid of the tanning shop 36

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Lads’ heaven: telly and chill-time

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LOOKING GOOD

Anatomicals men’s exfoliating face wash Get super-smooth £4.50 boots.com

Let’s be honest, who doesn’t love a head massage and some shut-eye? a common spot for unwanted hair growth among men. The ladies will definitely appreciate this one, too.

24 Litchfield Street, WC2H 9NJ karinejackson.co.uk Covent Garden

The man tan, AWAY Spa at the London W Hotel, £55

Photos: Alan Lewis, Photopress Belfast; Getty

Your new friend

A’Kin pureMan hair and body wash One product, two uses £9.50 hollandandbarrett.com

10 Wardour Street, W1D 6QF wlondon.co.uk/forms/away-spa

Leicester Square

Men’s mini manicure at Spa Chic, £9

Like waxing, fake tanning is a male grooming habit that’s on the rise – celebrity tanner James Harkett, who works at the W Hotel’s AWAY Spa has noticed a sharp increase in the number of men getting bronzed at the salon. Get your loins leathered one of their four signature tans – The New York (a very subtle glow), The London (one shade deeper), The Barcelona (a layered, darker tone) and The Santa Fe (deep shades .

of hazlenut and chocolate). That’ll make stripping off on the beach for your first trip of the summer much easier.

Put the “man” back into manicure by geting your hands seen to. This one’s quick, cheap and gives you neat and ridge-free nails with a cut, file and buff. But don’t worry – it’s not like a girl’s manicure and there’ll be no shiny pink polish in sight.

NEXT WEEK 773 High Road, N12 8JY spachic.co.uk Woodside Park

No More White Bits face and body tan Fake that sun £3.99 superdrug.com

Top 10 alternative Olympic commutes

TOP TREATMENT: MANFLU Blokes: feeling under the weather and the missus just won’t have a bar of it, acting like she’s doing you a massive favour just passing the remote to you cos you can’t get up off the couch? Fret no longer; comfort is at hand. Manflu contains a massive 1250 per cent of a man’s recommended daily amount of vitamin C, (the equivalent of a dozen oranges) plus echinacea and zinc to provide a soothing experience and help you on the road to recovery. At least someone understands. £1.99 a shot manflu.com

No more streaky bacon face £1.99 superdrug.com

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LIFESTYLECAREERS

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MONTHLY SPOTLIGHT on working abroad

Natural beauty: Table Mountain

Cape Town calling Put the daily grind behind you in sunny South Africa WORDS REBECCA KENT

Cape Town and ‘paradise’ often crop up in the same sentence. Friendly, sun-drenched and modern, with the stunning natural backdrop of Table Mountain, the Mother City, as it is known, has a combination of desirable qualities. It is experiencing a sound economic climate, too, which means it’s a good time to consider working there.

Natural beauty at its best South Africa’s oldest city is widely regarded as having the world’s happiest people, and it’s no wonder. Infused with a cosmopolitan lifestyle and a rich culture, it comes without the bustle associated with big cities. And, while people work hard, they know Cape Town’s natural beauty can’t be enjoyed from the inside of an office.

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“As well as a positive feeling on the whole in South Africa about the upswing in the economy, the climate in Cape Town lends to people being much more embracing of life than in Europe,” says Tanja Koch, managing director of DAV professional placement group (dav.co.za).

Indeed, hikers have only minutes to travel from the city centre for lungfuls of mountain air, the Stellenbosch wine region is just half-an-hour’s drive from the CBD, and when sun, surf and sand beckon, take your pick from some of the best beaches in the world.

Slowing down Cape Town is a melting pot of cultures, which makes it easy for foreigners to integrate. “Anyone who comes here

gets comfortable quite quickly,” says Mike Chemaly, director of Candidate Connect (candidateconnect.co.za).

And throw out any notions of slaving til the wee hours, working your wrists to the bone. “As far as the work/ life balance goes, here it’s as good as one can get,” he says.

“Everyone who starts out here is intense and committed, until they realise Cape Town is chilled-out, then they slow down. It is not laziness – people just make their hours count.”

This mellow attitude translates into corporate governance, too.

“The markets aren’t as regulated, so there’s more scope to make a difference, and – if you’re entrepreneurial – to make an impact; you’re just freer to get on with it.”

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LIFESTYLECAREERS ON THE JOB HELEN CHAPMAN CAREER Producer, children’s charity, House of Fairies AGE 34 LIVES Battersea FROM Manchester

Work in retail

How did you get into your line of work?

I started off as a set decorator in films, but it wasn’t fulfilling my need to create an immediate response to art; by the time your work goes to air, you’ve moved on to another job and you never get to see the reaction to your work. Live events are different.

[Caption] Surf’s up: beaches on your doorstep

Photos: Thinkstock

Returning home

HOUSING IN CAPE TOWN Chemaly says.

Young professionals flock to However, expect to With high Milnerton, Tableview, Blouberg wait three to six months unemployment (23.9 and Parklands in the northern for a decent job, and be per cent), bosses tend suburbs, as they are affordable mindful positions are to recruit locally ahead and near stretches of beach for fruitful between May of foreigners. However, bathing, watersports and dining. and November. various 12-month Inland suburbs, such as Parow and rolling work permits More in your pocket Tygervalley are also popular, and are available with right by the wine routes. The city proof of exceptional You’ll find the cost of bowl area is convenient, but rent skills and funds to living is cheap, says is pricey – up to ZAR10,000 (£825) support yourself.

Lois Fort, 23, a business per month for a one-bedroom flat, See dha.gov.za. development manager or ZAR12,000 (£1000) per month Returning expats who moves between for two-bedroom. Anything in the are embraced, though, Cape Town and London. outer suburbs is 15 to 20 per cent and should find work “I think about how less. See Wednesday’s Cape Times in the current fields often I was topping up of demand, which are my Oyster card for rental listings. asset management, – converting it into banking, retail, rand, it doesn’t bear shipping, call centres, IT and tourism. thinking about,” she says. “However, “Cape Town has experienced public transport is almost non-existent. a record year in tourism, which You need a car.”

I can only assume is a delayed effect Nevertheless, the chance of saving of the World Cup,” Chemaly says. is promising: a chartered accountant earns about ZAR350,000 (£29,000); Applying for jobs an IT developer up to ZAR400,000 (£33,000); and Online job sites careerjunction.co.za a banking executive assistant and pnet.co.za are handy tools for up to ZAR300,000 job hunters, but, in a tight-knit city, (£25,000). networking helps expedite the process.

NEXT WEEK » Turn the page “Everyone wants to live in Cape The pitfalls of for more working Town, so those on the ground, talking to Facebook in South Africa people here, will be at an advantage,”

What do you do day-to-day?

I manage my team, liaise with clients, artists, creative practitioners and volunteers to check we’re on track with our goals.

What’s the best part of your job?

Working with creative people, and the satisfaction you get when your projects are part of various British arts festivals.

What’s the most challenging?

Staying in the limited budget while still creating inspiring work for children, and finding enthusiastic volunteers for our interactive events during the summer festival season.

HOW TO...WRITE

A BUSINESS BLOG Got something to say or sell?

Blogging’s the way to go. Here are some tips for getting it right:

• Provide unique or useful

insights on subjects of value to your readers, such as industry changes or events.

• Time is precious, so write

short blogs that are clear and concise. Otherwise your bounce rate will be high.

• Write regularly – at least once

a week – so content is fresh and visitors are encouraged to return to your site.

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39

What are you waiting for?

Come home to CAPE TOWN! Our Career & Super Yacht Gap Year Courses will enable you to earn while travelling the World!!

• Day Skipper Tidal • Yachtmaster Coastal Tidal • Yachtmaster Off shore • Yachtmaster Ocean • SRC VHF Radio • Diesel Engine Maintenance

• Radar • RYA Exams • SAS Sailing Exams • STCW’95 • Super Yacht Deckhand • Super Yacht Stewardess

From Beginners to Yachtmaster Ocean, Start your Sailing Career or Upgrade your Qualifications. Practical Sailing from Royal Cape Yacht Club, Cape Town and Club Mykonos, Langebaan. Theory at Royal Cape Yacht Club, Cape Town.

You've done the Pubs, Underground and Buckingham Palace to DEATH! Why not come home?

A fantastic opportunity awaits an energetic person who’s been involved in promotions, events, marketing or sales. Maybe you’ve been amongst the Top 5 waitrons with the highest turnover, maybe you’ve had your own little money spinning business on the side or maybe you’ve made a name for yourself and a pretty penny as recruitment guru? Or what job(s) did you have to do that truly stretched you as a person? Our company has been established for 37 years, and is the envy of the industry. We will develop you into a top class business professional.

email: joan.hefer@dav.co.za DAV PROFESSIONAL PLACEMENT GROUP

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skipper@yachtmaster.co.za

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The Recruitment Firm

Don’t leave your loved one behind..... ship her back it’s cheaper and easier than you think!!

Complete a free online assessment www.sa-cia.com for some sound advice.

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Email: info@sa-cia.com | Tel: 020 8144 4293 Skype: sa-cia | Web: www.sa-cia.com 40

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info@swiftmomentum.com Office +27 21 447 8747 Fax +27 86 561 4952

www.swiftmomentum.com

As a company, Amazon.com has built a reputation for excellence with recent examples being named #5 most admired company in the US, #2 most innovative, and # 1 in Customer Service.

In 2005 Amazon Web Services (AWS) opened a Development Centre in Cape Town. In 2006 the Cape Town team launched Amazon EC2. In 2010, Amazon followed this by opening a Customer Services center to support the Amazon.com retail business. In 2012, Amazon is continuing to invest in South Africa, and is building an AWS Developer Support group based in Cape Town.

What do these groups do?

•

AWS Developer Support provides global technical support to a wide range of external customers as they build mission-critical applications on top of AWS services such as Amazon S3 and Amazon EC2.

•

The Cape Town based Development Center plays a central role in building the Amazon Elastic Compute Cloud (Amazon EC2).

Amazon Elastic Compute Cloud (EC2) is the web service that pioneered cloud computing.

We’re looking to fill a wide range of roles in Cape Town, including: •

Technical Management Jobs

•

Software Development Jobs

•

Support Engineering Jobs

To view all AWS jobs, please go to http://aws.amazon.com/careers/

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LIFESTYLELIVING

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HOME

STYLE 9

4 £5.

Vacu vin party friends ice tray Dancing people for your drinks iicbrands.com

.9 £29

Camden Town’s older brother Kentish Town, NW5

9

WORDS CLARE VOOGHT

Kentish Town is Camden Town’s not-sofamous, quieter and suburban older brother – it attracts a lot of the same crowd, but none of the tourists. And it’s got just as much going on.

Retro candy grabber Bring the fairground to your flat monsterstuff.com

.00 £10

Queen’s Jubilee mug Psyched for the big day yet? coleoflondon.com

Why Kentish Town?

It’s right near the highly desirable Camden Town and Islington but it’s much cheaper to live in. Vatche Cherchian, from Edmund Cude estate agents on Parkway, says: “You get more for your money by going one Tube stop further. Much of what’s in Camden attracts people to Kentish Town, because they’re within a 10-minute walk but they’re not having to pay Camden prices.”

Kentish Town has a lot going for it in its own right – plenty of pubs, restaurants, live music and boutique hangouts – and it’s a bit more chilled-out than Camden Town.

One of K-Town’s idyllic nooks – Little Green Street Where to hang out Kentish Town has plenty of pubs. The swanky Oxford gastropub’s quality meat, truffle oil and puy lentils, has led residents to rave about it (theoxfordnw5.co.uk).

For something a bit more rowdy, The Abbey Tavern (abbey-tavern.com) has a decent beer garden and hosts open-mic nights every Wednesday.

Foodies will be pleased to know Kentish Town has plenty of restaurants – food critic Giles Coren lives there and recently gave Kentish Town Road kebab shop E. Mono an eight-out-of-10 review in The TImes.

There’s affordable grub from around the world. Hit Guanabana for Carribean (guanabanarestaurant.com) and Bintang

Don’t move here if ...

You don’t like things a little rough around the edges. Some parts are really pretty, others have a grubby, rock ‘n’ roll charm, especially since Kentish Town is home to gig venue The HMV Forum.

00 £2.

The people

Peeler and grater set Spruce up your kitchen tigerstores.co.uk

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Peter Malcomess, from Chesterton Humberts estate agents on Kentish Town Road, says there’s an ecclectic mix of people living in the area. “Kentish Town has a lot of artists, journalists and City folk living here, plus you have a lot of council flats in the area as well.

It’s a good cross section,” he adds.

Pete Doherty at The Forum for Malaysian (bintangrestaurant.com), and also try a top spot for Ethiopian food – the Queen of Sheeba on Fortress Road (queenofshebarestaurant.co.uk).

In Kentish Town, even the hair salons are ridiculously cool – The Flaxon Ptootch

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MY AREA SAMANTHA HOLYROOD Student, 22

“It’s close to Camden and also centrally located within London.

It also has a really good nightlife scene – one of the best places to go here is Assembly House.”

FAYE

MORRIS Property manager, 29

on Kentish Town Road is both a salon and an art gallery (flaxonptootch.com).

For a workout, head to Kentish Town Sports Centre – a renovated Grade IIlisted Edwardian swimming baths, now modernised and with a gym.

The connections Kentish Town Tube is on the Northern Line and trains go from Kentish Town Station to the City, and as far as Luton Airport to the north and Wimbledon and Sutton in the south via First Capital Connect.

When the time comes for the Olympic

Games this summer, Kentish Town West Overground is on the same line as Stratford.

“Everything you’ll ever need is right on your doorstep in Kentish Town.

It’s a really nice area of London but it still retains that element of convenience.”

What can you rent?

Made up of mosty older houses places, there are some ex-council and modern housing too, says Malcomess. “The younger crowd tend to live on Caversham Road and Lady Margaret Road, in NEXT WEEK period conversions.

They’re near the Cash in on the Olympics underground and the high street.”

EMILY

YATES Student, 21

“The people are nice and there’s a variety of places to go – fruit and vegetable stands, charity shops and some really amazing Ethiopian restaurants.”

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Photos: Rosie Greenway; Cate Gillon

20mins HOUSESHARE £715pcm

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TWO BEDROOM FLAT £1950 pcm

A room in a four-bedroom house, a few moments from Kentish Town West Overground station. Wood flooring, separate lounge and living room, private patio garden.

A second-floor period property above shops on York Way. Separate fitted kitchen and large double bedroom, plus a good-sized living room.

Plenty of natural light, good-sized rooms and wood flooring. Direct access to a shared garden and close to Kentish Town Tube and rail station.

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WORLDVIEW

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Dolphins: not as friendly as you think

SCIENTISTS SHOCKED

BY RAPEY DOLPHINS AUSTRALIA Researchers studying the behaviour of dolphins in Shark Bay, Western Australia, have developed new insights into the structure of their society.

The study found the mammals are capable of serious aggression, males raping other males to assert their authority.

Professor Richard Connor claimed dolphins’ shifting alliances and feuds with other groups made for a dramatic underwater soap opera.

“Their social lives are very intense,” he said. “I have often thought, as I watched their complicated alliance relationships, that their social lives would be mentally and physically exhausting. There is constant drama. I’m glad I’m not a dolphin.”

TWEETS OF THE WEEK @Harry_Styles Casually reading a magazine when I spill water...on my crotch. Long flight with wet crotch. @adamliaw Where were you when you heard Ben Cousins was arrested? For me it was high school, university, my office, on holiday and now Tasmania. @Nigel_Farage And anyway, The pasty tax has been tried before, in 19th Century Cornwall. The pie-rates of Penzance.

NAKED VICAR STYS HE ‘FELL’ ON POTATO UNITED KINGDOM A 50-something clergyman showed up at a Sheffield hospital with a potato stuck up his bum but blithely explained that he had simply fallen while hanging curtains in the nude.

The vicar needed surgery to extract the 44

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Democracy in action: Burmese monks took to the streets of Myanmar to vote in the country’s parliamentary elections. But what’s with those umbrellas? It’s not raining, so they’re presumably sun parasols. Did they leave their fans and corsets at home?

spud, which, of course, got stuck in a completely innocent, non-sexual way.

“He explained to me, quite sincerely, he had been hanging curtains naked in the kitchen, when he fell backwards on to the kitchen table and on to a potato,”a hospital nurse said. “But it’s not for me to question his story.”

BACKLASH OVER HITLER LOO PAPER GERMANY Georg Buchrucker probably thought he was on to a winner when he

came up with toilet tissue bearing Adolf Hitler’s likeness.

Instead, the artist has been attacked by people claiming his product, called Draw Your Own Shitler, trivialises the Nazis’ crimes.

“I am getting emails now and orders from as far afield as America and Australia,” Buchrucker said. “I wish people who are attacking me would loosen up.

“It is not just practical, it is making a point with humour.

Which moustache-wearing man in history would deserve this more than Hitler?”

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THIS WEEK

IN NUMBERS 9

Price, in US dollars, paid in a charity shop for an original Picasso print by a man who intends to sell it on for thousands

When lube won’t do

COPS FREE MAN FROM SEX STORE CUFFS UNITED STATES A customer at a sex store in Connecticut suffered an embarrassing ordeal after trying on a pair of handcuffs, which became stuck.

The unidentified man became trapped in the novelty item following a “consumer malfunction”, which meant the key failed to unlock the cuffs, prompting an employee to call police for help.

Officers were forced to escort the man to headquarters, where they eventually used bolt cutters to free the poor fellow.

“The key wasn’t working. We didn’t need to use the lubricant,” assistant police chief Edward Koether said. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything like this before.”

WELSH APACHE NO ‘WEEKEND INDIAN’

Photos: Getty, Thinkstock

UNITED KINGDOM Mangas Coloradas may have been born and raised in Swansea but that hasn’t stopped him living the life of an Apache Indian for the past 20 years.

But Coloradas, 60, is now in hot water over his possession of badger paws and eagle wings – the court says they’re illegal, he says they’re part of his Apache heritage.

Appearing at Swansea magistrates court, Coloradas wore a ceremonial head dress, tassled jacket, suede moccasins and a snake’s head necklace.

“I dress like this all the time. I’m not just some weekend Indian,” he said. “I don’t put it on to show off, I put it on because I want to wear it. I’m against modern life, nobody cares about anybody else, nobody cares about mother earth.”

Square metres of astro turf – an entire front lawn – stolen from an Ipswich man’s yard by thieves in the dead of night

3

Kilometres of a Northamptonshire canal now a no-go zone due to a spate of attacks by an angry swan

Price, in pounds, of a run-down two-bedroom terrace sold in Durham, believed to be the cheapest house in Britain

Insert Tiny Tim joke

CHRISTMAS MIDGETS TAKEN OFF THE MENU UNITED KINGDOM The advertising watchdog has come down hard on a bar in Tunbridge Wells which encouraged customers to celebrate Christmas in the company of its Yuletide midgets.

Bar Fusion’s Facebook page read: “Christmas Eve with midgets! For the first time in Tunbridge Wells, this Christmas Eve party with our very own Xmas midgets.’’

It went on: “That’s right Midgets!!!!!!!!!

Entry just £5 all night.’’

A reader complained that the ad, and in particular the use of the word ‘midgets’, was offensive and reinforced negative stereotypes towards little people.

Upholding the complaint against the bar, the Advertising Standards Authority concluded the ad “portrayed the presence of individuals of short stature as an attraction and source of entertainment’’.

Don’t tell the English rugby team.

14

8250

QUOTE OF THE WEEK Go to your doctor’s office and point at your face and say, ‘Doc, it’s a page one rewrite’ Ron Burgundy gives Conan O’Brien the hot tip before announcing a sequel to Anchorman.

Kind of a big deal

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Work as part of a team at outdoor shows/indoor shopping centres across the country. See the sights, and have fun along the way. IPG’s promo teams comprise 150+ Aussies, Kiwis, Canadians, and more. Free drinks every Friday night.

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TNT puts the world to rights

OURVIEW

COMMENT: TOM STURROCK tom.sturrock@tntmagazine.com

The shooting of Trayvon Martin has cut deep

Racism retains a unique power to damage and divide

Photos: Getty

Society must decide whether free speech licences hate speech After Welsh student Liam Stacey was sentenced to two months in jail for racist tweets, it was easy to feel he had been harshly treated; that his comments, as undoubtedly vile and disgraceful as they were, should not incur a prison term.

Yet, across the Atlantic, the fall-out from the shooting of black teenager Trayvon Martin suggests that racism, even the seemingly idle kind, demands to be treated as more than a mere transgression against modern manners.

Stacey, 21, posted a series of increasingly nasty slurs after Bolton midfielder Fabrice Muamba collapsed during a football match three weekends back. There was liberal use of the n-word, peppered with assertions about black people having Aids. It is, of course, abhorrent. However, one need not defend Stacey nor apologise for his shameful comments to suggest speech that offends rather than incites should not be criminal.

In recent weeks, America has been rent once more by racial faultlines, after police failed to arrest George Zimmerman, a neighbourhood watch volunteer who apparently pursued Martin, because he was black, and shot him dead. Just as unsettling as the police incompetence has been the willingness of some commentators to suggest Martin, by wearing a hoodie and looking ‘gangsta’, was complicit in his own murder.

It may seem a long bow to draw to suggest the seeds of what happened in Florida can be sewn by not pushing back strongly enough against the kind of comments made by a kid in Swansea. The thread, though, is that decent people and decent society face a choice about how they react to racism when they encounter it. Is it merely an ugly faux pas to be ignored? Or something more serious, something that warrants having the perpetrator strung up? The murder of Trayvon Martin – and, indeed, of Stephen Lawrence nearly 20 years earlier – is a reminder of the real, corrosive power of unconfronted racism, in turn demanding the most forceful condemnation of its antecedents. » Agree or disagree? Does Liam Stacey deserve to go to jail? letters@tntmagazine.com

DID JESSIE FORGET THE PRICE TAG? Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you won’t have been able to avoid Jessie J – her music or her image – over the past year or so. But the assiduously cultivated schtick of a kooky free spirit threatens to be undermined by an episode of eye-watering hypocrisy.

One of her hits, Price Tag, railed against the soullessness of capitalism and the cynicism of those cashing in. It goes: “Seems like everybody’s got a price / I wonder how they sleep at night / When the sale comes first and the truth comes second.”

Bravo, Jessie. Glad to hear it’s not all about the money, money, money.

“

Apparently Jessie J’s got herself a sponsor

”

But what’s this? Apparently she’s got herself a sponsor and now, there she is at various events, unwilling to be photographed without a bottle of brightly coloured vitamin water in her hand.

Perhaps it is all about the ka-ching, kaching, after all. As Jessie J sung, and has now proven, everybody’s got a price.

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What else is out there?

Strange creatures still fascinate, even if the evidence is lacking WORDS TOM STURROCK

Last week promised to be a truly momentous one in the wild, weird world of cryptozoology – the study of animals whose existence is unproven. First, there was the sighting of a black fox in Hertfordshire – the creature is so rare that it had come to be regarded as mythical. It is also believed to be an omen of bad luck, a superstition borne out when, days later, the black fox was hit by a car and killed. And then, photos emerged from Somerset purporting to show a strange prehistoric emu-like creature alongside a country road. However, it turned out to be an oddly shaped branch.

These, though, are just a drop in the ocean against the fevered sightings of bizarre beasts, each one considered fresh “proof” of the so-called cryptids’ existence. There’s a long list, the Loch Ness Monster and the Yeti among the staples, but what else is out there, just waiting to be photographed?

Chupacabra The first reported sightings occurred in 1995, when eight sheep on a farm in Puetro Rico were found dead and drained entirely of their blood. The legend of the chupacabra – literally meaning “goat sucker” in Spanish – and scores of incidents in the years since have cemented the creature’s folk-demon status throughout Central America. Descriptions of the chupacabra vary – sometimes, it has a reptillian appearance, with spines and scales; other accounts describe a dog-like animal, mostly hairless with bulging eyes. Naturally, the sceptics offer a more underwhelming explanation, blaming coyotes for the attacks on livestock and a bad dose of scabies for their unfortunate appearance.

Beast of Exmoor England’s answer to the chupacabra is an elusive creature, a “phantom cat” that roams the moors of Devon and Somerset, at one point killing more than 100 of one farmer’s sheep in a three-month period. Sightings dating back to 48

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the 1970s describe a big cat, variously black or light brown, raising the prospect of it being a puma, a cougar or a black leopard released into the wild. But given these animal usually live only 10-12 years, it’s suggested there may be more than one. The Ministry of Agriculture took the stories seriously enough to send Marine snipers into the area in 1983 and many of the soliders claimed to have seen the beast.

Megacondas When South America was first discovered more than 500 years ago, Spanish and Portuguese colonists began telling wide-eyed stories of giant snakes slithering through the jungle. Anacondas have been known to grow as long as 6m but the megaconda of legend blows that out of the water, stretching at least 45m. The problem with these claims is that a snake so large would struggle to find prey big enough to sustain it. British adventurer Colonel Percy Fawcett claimed to have shot a giant anaconda. But he also disappeared while searching for the Lost City of Z, in the hope of founding a jungle commune to worship an Amazonian she-god, so maybe he’s not entirely reliable.

Mothman In 1966, two young couples claimed to have encountered a strange man-bird, all white with red eyes and 10-foot wings, outside the small town of Point Pleasant, West Virginia.

It would be easily dismissed if not for the surprisingly widespread reports of sightings and striking consistency in the descriptions of Mothman. The folklore surrounding Mothman also casts him as a catalyst for various paranormal events in the area – when a bridge collapsed, killing 46 people, Mothman was blamed and, according to a 1975 book called The Mothman Prophecies – later made into a film starring Richard Gere – Point Pleasant residents experienced premonitions. Mothman again.

Clockwise: Godzilla has yet to appear; 45m-long snakes were spotted in the Amazon; is the Beast of Exmoor a family of pumas?

Ropen Pterodactyls are believed to have been extinct for 65 million years but there is a considerable body of scholarship devoted to the theory that they are still flying around the jungles of Papua New Guinea – a notably rich locale for undiscovered species. The catch is that these pterodactyls, known as ropen, are nocturnal and glow in the dark, so the closest anyone has come to spotting them is pointing out unexplained lights in the night sky. The natives believe ropen are real and the creature has become a holy grail for creationists desperate to find “living dinosaurs” to prove that Earth is far younger than the theory of evolution allows. Good luck with that.

Mongolian Death Worm According to inhabitants of the Gobi Desert, the olgoikhorkhoi, or the Mongolian Death Worm, lives underground for most of the year, but when it emerges spews venom and acid and can even administer an electrical charge to kill from long range. Described as about 50cm long, as thick as a man’s arm and dark red, the worm’s existence was even vouched for by the Mongolian prime minister back in 1922, who insisted “it is so poisonous that merely to touch it means instant death”. Is this the Mongolian version of drop-bears?

Photos: Getty

The Monkey Man of Delhi Since the first sightings about 10 years ago, an urban legend has sprung up around the Monkey Man of Delhi, residents claiming to have been attacked by a four-foot furry creature. In some instances, that description was embellished, suggesting the Monkey Man had metal claws and ran around at night wearing a motorcycle helmet. People have died leaping from tall buildings to escape the Monley Man and some residents from Delhi have been set upon by angry mobs after they were mistaken for the Monkey Man, leading police to release an artist’s sketch in an attempt to catch it.

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? THE MONTAUK MONSTER In 2008, the carcass of a strange animal (above) washed up on the shores on Montauk, New York and, for a while, it was happy days for cryptozoologists.

Dozens of different theories went whizzing through cyberspace. Was it a hitherto undiscovered species?

Or an alien? Or a mutant created in the nearby disease control laboratories? The photo of the ugly crature was marshalled as hard evidence for all three and many more besides.

Of course, it didn’t take long before the scientists showed up to ruin the party, the boffins quickly reaching a consensus that the animal was, in fact, a raccoon, stripped of its fur and decomposed after several days in the ocean. It was yet another example of how, in the study of weird and wonderful animals, a vivid imagination can be far more persuasive than any actual evidence.

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On the move: Braith Anasta

ROOSTERS’ ANASTA TO JOIN WESTS TIGERS RUGBY LEAGUE The NRL season is less than two months old but already a big fish has announced plans to change clubs.

Braith Anasta, the captain of the Sydney Roosters, will join the Wests Tigers in 2013 after signing a two-year deal.

Announcing the move, Anasta insisted he remained committed this season.

“I look forward to making a big contribution to an already strong and talented playing group under Tim Sheens over the next two years,” Anasta said.

“While I look forward to the challenges ahead, my immediate priority remains focused on this season. There’s a great young squad here at the Roosters and I have a massive ambition to make 2012 a memorable year for the club.”

THORPE STILL KEEN DESPITE GAMES SNUB SWIMMING Despite missing out on selection for the London Olympics, Ian Thorpe remains committed to his swimming comeback, targeting next year’s world championships.

After failing to make the grade in the 100m and 200m freestyle, Thorpe, who won three Olympic golds in Sydney and two more in Athens, may instead target the 400m freestyle when he returns to his training base in Switzerland. ”I’m already back in the pool,’’ he said.

“I’m heading back to Switzerland pretty soon, very soon.

“Which event I do first, I’m not certain of, but the priority at the moment is [to get] back in training and I’ll work out and a few months time which competition it will be.”

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Footy’s back: The AFL season got going last week and the first-round match between Hawthorn and Collingwood was a cracker, the Hawks leading most of the night before holding off the Magpies in the last quarter, Lance Franklin (above) kicking five goals

CLARKE ROCKETS TO TOP SPOT IN ICC LIST CRICKET After his impressive summer against India, Australian captain Michael Clarke is now ranked joint-No 1 on the ICC’s list of batsmen, sharing top spot with South Africa’s AB de Villiers.

Clarke is back in No1 position due to the previous leader, Kumar Sangakkara, making 0 and 14 in Sri Lanka’s win over England in Galle. Jacques Kallis also slipped back after failing in Wellington.

Clarke has been ranked No 1 before – back in August 2009 after he scored 93 against England at Headingley – but showed he has improved further during a summer highlighted by his unbeaten 329 against India in Sydney.

BIG WEEK FOR ...

Read more: http://www.smh.com.

Australian wicket-keeper Matthew Wade au/sport/cricket/clarkes-runloving-summerwill make his Test debut this week puts-him-at-top-spot-of-iccwhen he stands in for Brad Haddin rankings-20120330-1w3l7. against the West Indies. Given html#ixzz1qbdKVZEE Haddin’s struggles with the bat and his advancing years, Wade has a golden opportunity to nail down a spot and become Australia’s next long-term gloveman. Wade, 24, is an explosive batsman and his youth means that, provided he can adjust to Test cricket, he could be a 10-year player.

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QUOTES OF THE WEEK Just got ambushed on NRL On Fox. Pretty fired up ATM to be honest and pretty pissed off Wests Tigers captain Robbie Farah after being asked on TV about rumours he and Benji Marshall don’t speak

When United play at home they get some advantage that other teams don’t get

England have little to smile about

PREVIEW England on verge of losing top spot SRI LANKA V ENGLAND, SECOND TEST

TUESDAY 5AM, SKY SPORTS 1

WEST INDIES V AUSTRALIA, FIRST TEST

SATURDAY 3PM, SKY SPORTS 4 The last couple of years have been fabulously successful for the English cricket team but they enter the second Test against Sri Lanka desperately in need of a win.

Although they are ranked No 1 in the world in Test cricket, England’s abject performances on the sub-continent in recent months have called into question

whether they truly deserve the mantle.

And, as it happens, should they lose again to Sri Lanka this week, they will be dislodged by South Africa, who have lost just one series since the middle of 2006 and will be visiting these shores during the English summer.

Meanwhile, Australia have the opportunity to drag themslves up to third in the rankings when their three-Test series against the West Indies begins on Saturday.

England still have the bragging rights, having smashed Australia in the last Ashes series, but, at the moment, it’s the Aussies who have all the momentum.

THE CHAT | Armstrong back in the saddle

Patrick Vieira, now employed by Manchester City, reckons United get an easy ride from referees

I won Powerball last week and I won’t be back next year ... no, no, that’s not right!

What I want you all to know is that I’ll be retiring at the end of this season Parramatta Eels stalwart Nathan Hindmarsh mixes it up while announcing his retirement

TV HIGHLIGHTS

Photos: Getty

GOLF Tour de France winner Lance Q Seven-time Armstrong is aiming to become the oldest winner of the Hawaiian Iron Man. Will it be overshadowed by lingering suspicions of drug use?

– probably. Regardless of Armstrong’s achievements A Yes and regardless of the fact he has never been properly busted, cycling was simply so dirty during his time at the top that it strains credulity to think Armstrong was dominating while clean as a whistle. One of Armstrong’s friends and former teammates, Tyler Hamilton, made sure of that when he told 60 Minutes that, “I saw EPO in his refrigerator. I saw him inject it more than one time. Like we all did. Like I did, many, many Lance Armstrong times”. That kind of mud has a nasty habit of sticking.

The Masters Expect intense focus on Tiger Woods Thursday 7pm, Sky Sports 1

RUGBY UNION Reds v Brumbies The Brumbies have surprised so far Friday 10.30am, Sky Sports 3

FOOTBALL Arsenal v Manchester City Could prove crucial in the title race Sunday 3.30pm, Sky Sports 1 TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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SPORTVIEW

TNT puts the world to rights COMMENT: JAHN VANNISSELROY jahn.vannisselroy@tntmagazine.com

Ben Cousins: used and abused

Club remains tainted by Cousins’ ongoing tragedy

West Coast Eagles forever complicit in former star’s fall from grace

» Do you believe the Eagles never knew about Cousins’ drug use? letters@tntmagazine.com 52

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

The 18 football clubs, led by Northhampton Town supporter Bob Ward and his grandson Dan, may have their hearts in the right place when calling for the removal of ads for lender Wonga.com from their websites, but the demand is insulting to other fans.

Can football followers not make up their own minds about what’s good for them? And where does it all end?

Should there be a ban on the overpriced hotdogs served at games because they are fattening and unhealthy? Should alcohol stop being served for the same reason?

How about football clubs changing their

“

Should unhealthy hotdogs be banned?

”

shirts ever so slightly each season and charging fans £50+ when they’re made offshore for probably less than £5? And what about the gambling promoted by football clubs?

It’s a bit strange to chop just one branch off the tree while continuing to feed your family poisonous apples from its others.

Photos: Getty

As former AFL star and drug addict Ben Cousins continues his spiral towards rock bottom (arrested last week for methamphetamine possession), it begs the question: where does a sports club’s responsibility for a player begin and end?

In his prime, Cousins was a champion for the West Coast Eagles, the hardest trainer at the club and, arguably, the entire competition. He was a poster boy for the AFL, winning the 2005 Brownlow, and as a youngster was even used to promote the game to other kids.

In his 2010 documentary, Such Is Life, Cousins revealed his obsessive tendencies toward training, saying his approach regarding fitness became all-consuming and that he used drugs to balance his life. He was defiantly proud that he never failed a drug test, despite boasting about his five-day sessions, which often consisted of smoking meth, snorting coke and downing Valium and Xanax. He also confessed he started using drugs as a teen.

The biggest question mark of Cousins’ story will always hang over the Eagles. How did he pass those drug tests? And, more importantly, why did no one at the club blow the whistle – a move which may have prevented him from ending up in his present situation?

Why? Because without Cousins’ leadership example, his commitment to being the best, would the Eagles have remained a top team in the Noughties and won the flag in 2006, bringing further millions in merchandise and sponsorhip? Unlikely, as the win was only by one point – the difference in the onfield mindset Cousins instilled at the club.

The Eagles eventually sent their poster boy to rehab in 2007, but it was too late. They’d got their glory from his (perhaps drug-enhanced) talent, prepared to use him up as long as he didn’t taint the club too much. If someone had stopped to think about the damage being done to the man, perhaps you’d be reading about something else.

Ben Cousins won’t be the last sportsman or woman to succumb to drugs, but let’s hope his story gives other sporting organisations a pang of conscience about the players they reap millions off. Winning should not come at such a great cost.

FANS SHOULD MAKE OWN DECISIONS

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REGISTRATIONS CLOSE 9th April 2012 £420 per team £60 per individual (£5 per game) Females playing MIXED and LADIES = £90 (for both) Different payment options available 0787 2606 763 www.action-netball.co.uk action.netball@gmail.com TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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The leader of the pack Australian paceman Peter Siddle backs the Test side’s resurgence to continue in the Caribbean WORDS TOM STURROCK

When Australia was left licking its wounds after losing the Ashes on home soil just over a year ago, the most glaring shortcoming was in the bowling department. Mitchell Johnson’s radar was broken, Ryan Harris couldn’t stay fit, Ben Hilfenhaus looked underdone and Peter Siddle, despite a hat-trick on the first day of the series, lacked penetration.

After England’s batsmen filled their boots en route to a thumping 3-1 series win, there was only one conclusion: Australia’s production line of pacemen had stalled, the cupboard was bare. There was nothing left but to gut the whole place and start from scratch.

Twelve months on, ahead of Australia’s three-match series against the West Indies – beginning Saturday – it is an entirely different story. A revitalised pace battery has propelled the side back on to the winners list and Siddle, as much as any of the incumbents, saw his stocks rise during the summer’s dramatic upswing – in December, Australia lost a Test to New Zealand but recovered to whitewash India 4-0.

“It was an important summer, especially when it began with a disappointing loss,” Siddle says. “We knew then that we really needed to turn it around and the result against India was probably better than we could have hoped for.”

Siddle, 27, has been Australia’s best-performed bowler during the past two years, enabling him to survive the Ashes post-mortems to lead the attack against India. Much has been made of the influence of Craig McDermott, the former Australian paceman who now coaches the country’s fast bowlers, whose instruction to bowl fuller lengths, maximising swing, has helped Siddle achieve greater control without curbing his natural aggression.

“It was a good coming-of-age,” Siddle says of his ascent to the role of spearhead. “There’s a lot of talk about what’s changed but I just think that, as a whole, we had a plan and we were more patient and consistent, which allowed us to build pressure. That’s what we did well as a group.

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“At the start of the series, the Indian batsmen were looking to stamp their authority but we were patient and had them come at us. They didn’t seem like they wanted to dig in and then, after the first couple of Tests, they were chasing it.”

Siddle hasn’t done it all on his own, of course. Hilfenhaus was axed after the Ashes and spent a northern summer staring into the abyss, but was recalled against India and finished as the series’ leading wicket-taker, claiming 27 scalps to Siddle’s 23.

“After the Ashes, he was carrying a few injuries but he’s worked as hard as he could,” Siddle says. “He missed out on the tour to Sri Lanka last year, but he came in pretty fresh against India and showed that, now he’s been given that second chance, that he’s still got that delivery that straightens away from the batsmen. And his pace was up, which is why you saw that big turnaround.”

“

We want to show the world we’re on the rise

”

Siddle and Hilfenhaus finding their second winds may have been the key to Australia’s summer resurgence, but it has been the emergence of a cadre of young quicks that has done most to stimulate long-term optimism. Pat Cummins, 18, ripped through South Africa on debut in November, only to miss the summer with injury. But he was ably replaced by James Pattinson, who worked over the Kiwis and then India, before also succumbing to injury.

“Cummins – the way he went about it on his debut was amazing,” Siddle says of the new blood. “And then Patto came out and did similar things against India, against really

Photos: Getty

Clockwise: Peter Siddle remains naturally aggressive; James Pattinson impressed against India; Ben Hilfenhaus has made the most of his recall

experienced, quality batsmen, and he just stood up. If those two guys can stay on the park, they’re going to take a lot of wickets for Australia.”

Importantly, there are more where Cummins and Pattinson came from. Mitchell Starc, 21, made his Test debut against New Zealand and has been earmarked as a bolter.

“Cummins and Pattinson are very quick but someone like Starc is different again,” Siddle says. “He’s a bit taller and gets a bit more bounce – he hasn’t really played a lot of Sheffield Shield cricket so there’s an expectation that he’ll improve dramatically.”

The list goes on: Alister McDermott – Craig’s 20-year-old son – was one of the break-out stars of the last domestic season, firing Queensland to the four-day title with seven wickets in the final. There’s James Faulkner, 21, a bowling all-rounder who led Tasmania’s attack alongside Jackson Bird, 25, who, in his rookie season, was the leading wicket-taker in the Sheffield Shield. If the production line appeared to have stalled after the Ashes, it has surely clicked back into gear, to the extent that there is now a logjam of young quicks, aged 25 and under, vying for spots.

“It refreshes the team and puts a little bit more pressure on me, having these guys snapping at my heels,” Siddle says.

“But with me and Hilfy as the older bowlers and plenty of younger blokes coming through, it’s good times.”

There is, of course, the immediate matter of the West Indies – Australia have cause to be confident against an opposition that has won just two of its past 23 Test series, but Siddle is determined to maintain the momentum.

“It doesn’t matter who we play, we always want to be winning and we felt we really turned it around against India,” Siddle says. “We really want to get that consistency and show people that it was no fluke. But we’ll just continue on the way we played in the Australian summer and that will hopefully show the world we’re on the rise.”

MITCHELL WHO…?

THE FORGOTTEN MAN Perhaps it is an unfair observation, but Australia’s startling improvement with the ball has coincided with Mitchell Johnson’s omission from the side.

Johnson was ruled out for the summer with a foot injury and was not considered for the tour to the West Indies. He will turn 31 before Australia’s next series, against South Africa, raising the distinct possibility that he has played his last Test match.

At his best, Johnson was one of the world’s finest fast bowlers, second only to the Proteas’ Dale Steyn. But his bad days, when his lack of control and propensity to leak runs made it impossible for the Australian attack to build pressure, became increasingly regular. Since the start of 2010, Johnson claimed 53 wickets at an inflated average of 39, suggesting that, even when fit again, he may find himself a long way down the Australian pecking order.

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TRAVEL LATE DEALS | HOTSHOTS | TRAVEL TIPS | TOP FIVE | TOURS | BIG TRIP IMAGE OF THE WEEK

GOOD EGGS Two women wearing traditional Sorbian folk dress prepare decorated eggs at the annual Sorbian Easter egg market in Schleife, near Hoyerswerda, Germany. The Sorbians are a Slavic minority in eastern Germany and the patterns on their painted eggs are meant to ward off evil.

Photos: Getty, Caroline Eden

INSIDE

WITCH HUNT /60

BASQUE IN ROCK /70

HOLY CITY /76

It’s 400 years since a group of ‘witches’ were hanged in Lancashire. We tread their doomed path in England’s answer to Salem.

This year, Radiohead, The Cure and Bloc Party are just a few of the bands gracing the stage at Bilbao BBK Live music festival.

One of the most intense places on the planet, India’s Varanasi is a challenging blend of burning bodies, sadhus and sacred weed.

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TRAVELDIARY

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Laura Chubb ACTING TRAVEL EDITOR

UPGRADE GAMES There is one travel experience that continues to elude me in this cruel life of mine. It is the upgrade.

Devotees pour sweet tea over Buddha

HANA MATSURI Tokyo, Japan Japan celebrates Buddha’s birthday with Hana Matsuri – or ‘the flower festival’. There’s a colourful parade featuring decorated floats and folk 8 dressed in traditional kimonos singing Buddhist chants, while temples hold ceremonies wherein a flower-decorated altar displays a small statue of Buddha, and templegoers are invited to pour sweet tea over him.

APR

WHY: Legend has it that when Buddha was born, the earth was so happy that flowers sprang out of the ground in full bloom – so flowers are now the symbol of his birthday celebrations. The sweet tea represents the perfume said to have been sprinkled on the baby Buddha by dragon kings.

LOLLAPALOOZA BRAZIL

São Paulo, Brazil

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jnto.go.jp

EDINBURGH HARP FESTIVAL Edinburgh, Scotland

The popular US music festival makes its debut in 7-8 Brazil this year, with the likes of MGMT, Foo Fighters, Arctic Monkeys and TV On The Radio taking the stage.

APR

lollapaloozabr.com

LAZAROVDEN Sofia, Bulgaria

Every Saturday before Easter Sunday, Lazarovden 7 marks the moment that ‘maidens’ go from being a girl to a woman of marrying age. Dressed in their finest traditional garb, local girls travel from house to house singing songs for health and prosperity, and receive eggs (or money, which we’re guessing is preferable) in return.

APR

bulgariatravel.org

58

DO IT BECAUSE: In addition to elaborate floats and decorations, the flower festival makes a great time to check out the cherry blossoms in bloom all over the city. It’s a time of great celebration and spirituality in the country, bringing each community together.

If you fancy a little heavenly music with your whisky, 4 check out this series of concerts, courses and workshops devoted to the clarsach (Gaelic for ‘harp’) in Scotland and the ‘wider harp community’. We particularly like the look of the ‘experimental harp’ session, which appears to feature a dude plucking the strings with an electric fan.

UNTIL APR

harpfestival.co.uk

BAILA BAILA SALSA FESTIVAL Helsinki, Finland APR

6-8

Scandinavia gets its salsa on with performances, parties, and more than 50 workshops.

bailabaila.fi

Photos: Getty

I have had my bikini bottoms stolen by the endangered Arabian Oryx as they dried beside my private pool on a sheikh’s personal desert reserve; watched dolphins frolic in the sea from a royal palace in Oman; and even cruised the Galapagos on a five-star ship.

But I have never been blessed with the luck of turning up for another soul-sucking flight in cattle class and finding myself randomly, gloriously selected to stretch out with a glass of champagne and find out what life would be like if I wasn’t a penniless prole.

A holidaysplease.co.uk survey recently reported on the lengths that travellers will go to in pursuit of this Holy Grail of holidaymaking.

According to the research, 41 per cent of us attempt flirting with airport staff to score an upgrade, while a further 12 per cent have no qualms about giving the eye to a check-in guy or gal of the same sex if it means we might escape the kneeknackering hopelessness of economy.

A savvy 27 per cent pretend to be on honeymoon, should it sway the masters of our fate, and a morally challenged 6 per cent admitted they’d be willing to fake being on their way to a funeral if it might land them a sympathy upgrade.

Perhaps I lack the scheming gene or could do with a shot of shameless audacity, but I’ve never actually plotted to get an upgrade, instead entrusting my turn to the fates that bring balance to the universe. This is probably where I’m going wrong.

So, if you’ve got any tips that will get me into first class, or can just describe it to me so I can live vicariously through your good fortune, please do drop me a line at laura.chubb@tntmagazine.com

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EUROVEGAS FOR SPAIN It’s the tourist attraction we’ve all been waiting for – a US tycoon has announced plans to build a ‘EuroVegas’ in Spain. America’s eighth richest man, Sheldon Adelson, wants to erect casinos, hotels and golf courses in either Barcelona or Madrid as part of a £14bn project to create a Spanish Sin City. Reportedly, both cities are vying for the resort. And while some locals apparently aren’t too thrilled at the prospect of attracting prostitution and the Mafia to their town, it’s good news for London-based hedonists – gambling, girls and a The Hangover homage will lie just two hours away by plane.

REAL MADRID ISLAND It seems a man-made island in the shape of a palm tree just isn’t enough for the blingtastic United Arab Emirates – a Real Madrid Resort is next on the list for the country’s self-styled seven-star tourism industry. But the artificial land – which will come with luxury hotels, an amusement park and a marina built in the shape of the Real Madrid badge – won’t be built in decadent desert state Dubai. The project is planned for Dubai’s rather emptier neighbouring emirate, Ras Al Khaimah.

BATH SALT BALLS-UP Major holiday fail – a British man was held in a South African jail for two weeks because police believed bath salts he owned were crystal meth.

A 9.5kg bag of the crystals was discovered at the apartment of Peter Parnell, who was in South Africa to visit his fiancee. Arrested and held at the notorious Pollsmoor prison, where Nelson Mandela was incarcerated, it was only when tests revealed the crystals to be bath salts that Parnell was released – only to be rearrested because his visa had expired while he was in jail.

TURN OFF OR PAY UP Anyone fond of cheekily texting away while the plane is taxiing down the runway could find themselves paying a massive fine or even facing a judge in court – if you’re flying out of New York or New Jersey in the US. The Port Authority of New York and New Jersey wants to levy fines that could reach tens of thousands of pounds for behaviour that causes flight delays, which includes failing to turn off electronic devices when told. But whether the authority will be allowed the power to do this is unclear.

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Spooky: following the witch trail in Pendle is an eerie experience

EAT, DRINK, SLEEP

Lancaster LANCASHIRE

Lancaster MAP Manchester REQUEST

ENGLAND PLEASE! WALES

Refuel in a cosy booth at The Borough, a listed Georgian building with stainedglass windows above the bar.

The steamed mussels are to die for and the staff is as friendly as they come. Mains from £11. (theboroughlancaster.co.uk)

LONDON

GETTING THERE Trains from London Euston to Lancaster from £28 return prebooked. (virgintrains.co.uk) To visit follow the Witches Trail, you’ll need a car. (visitlancashire.com)

Try something from the grill or sample a delicious homemade pizza in the light and airy Penny Street Bridge. The sticky toffee pudding is the best we’ve ever eaten. Mains from £8. (pennystreetbridge.co.uk) Apparently the place where those condemned to hang were allowed a final drink, The Golden Lion is now popular with Lancaster’s students. Live music at weekends. (33 Moor Lane) If it’s sunny, have a pint in the beer garden of The Merchants. (merchants1688.co.uk) Worth a trip to Lancaster in its own right, The Ashton is the epitome of stylish, boutique luxury. We were plied with homemade damson vodka and delicious food the moment we stepped in, and breakfast will blow your mind. Rooms from £95pn. (theashtonlancaster.com)

A drawing of the trials; right: Clitheroe Castle [Caption] 60

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Rooms start at about £56pn at Lancaster’s Holiday Inn. (holidayinn.com)

UKTRIP

Witch hunt It’s 400 years since a group of ‘witches’ were hanged in Lancashire. We tread their doomed path

Photos: Thinkstock, Jill Jennings

WORDS FRANKIE MULLIN

“She was a very old woman, and had been a Witch for fiftie yeares. Shee dwelt in the Forrest of Pendle, a vast place, fitte for her profession. Shee was a generall agent for the Devill: no man escaped her, or her Furies.”

So wrote a chronicler at the 1612 Pendle witch trials; an episode that culminated in the hanging of 10 ‘witches’. After arriving in Lancaster at night, I’m primed to feel the spirits of the women wafting around every corner. Checking into the uber-swanky Ashton hotel temporarily distracts me from ghost stories, but the mood is recaptured when the owner warns me the hotel may be haunted.

I rise early the next morning and drive across the wild, bleak hills of the Trough of Bowland, through which the doomed women were marched, barefoot, to execution.

Under slate-grey skies, the snow smatters down, making the atmosphere even more eerie.

On a whim, I jump out of the car and pound up a hill towards a solitary tree. Standing beneath it, I survey the Lancashire scenery and imagine how it would have looked to the unlucky accused.

Two peasant families were involved in the affair, both of which were led by charismatic old women – Demdike and Chattox – who, it appears, played on their reputation as witches, an enterprising response to extreme poverty.

However, while Demdike’s granddaughter, Alizon Device, was begging one day, a pedlar refused to give her some pins.

Screaming curses at him, one can only imagine her shock when he did indeed fall to the ground, paralysed.

It now seems likely that the pedlar had a stroke, but for Alizon Device and those around her, it was the beginning of their demise. Hauled up before Justice Roger Nowell, Alizon broke down and confessed to being a witch, also naming Demdike and Chattox, accusing them of killing people by way of making clay effigies.

For her part, 80-year-old Demdike admitted to meeting the devil, in the form of a little boy called Tibbs, and letting him suck her blood. Alizon and Demdike were the only ones of those hung who ‘confessed’ to their crimes.

At Clitheroe Castle, I meet tour guide Simon Entwistle and we set off to Pendle Hill. The tour is a firm favourite with psychics and ghost-hunting tourists and Entwistle is happy to play along, ratcheting up the fear factor. The snow comes

down steadily as I drive higher and it’s touch and go as to whether the car will make it. But the witches are on my side and I arrive in Newchurch, at the foot of Pendle Hill.

We’re now tantalisingly close to Malkin Tower, where Demdike and her family are said to have lived. It was here, back in 1612, that investigators were sent to gather evidence on the unlucky women, discovering human bones.

In December 2011, fuel was added to the story’s fire when workers found the remains of a mummified cat in a ruined cottage on Pendle Hill.

“

A mummified cat was found on Pendle Hill

”

In good weather, Pendle Hill is beautiful and the views from it panoramic, inviting you to linger and picnic. But as the sky darkens and snow drives down, it’s easy to imagine something sinister lurking here. Undoubtedly, though, the real evil perpetrated was that of Justice Nowell – politically ambitious and eager to impress witch-obsessed King James I – who sentenced so many to death.

After being dragged 100 miles from their hovels, the accused were thrown into Lancaster Castle. I shut myself into one of the windowless cells in the dungeon and try to conjure up some trace of those 10 unlucky souls – the fear, the claustrophobia, the stench of unwashed bodies.

My final stop on the path of Demdike, Chattox and crew is the place of their execution. Still mildly giddy from drinks in the Golden Lion – reportedly the place where the condemned had their last pint en route to the gallows – I get up early in the morning mist. Houses have been built on the spot where the Pendle witches once hung, but I walk into the trees opposite, stand still and swear I feel Chattox’s gaze, NEXT WEEK across the centuries, boring into my back. Perhaps? ❚ Newcastle: we More at

visitlancashire.com

paint the ’Toon red

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HOTSHOTS

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WINNER

HOT TIPS: Low contrast When contrast comes up in photography, people often prefer to have more and will increase it in post-production. There are, however, uses for a low-contrast image, although it often depends on the choice of subject and the lighting. Cloud cover scatters and filters the sun’s rays to create flat,even light. An advantage of

this is it eliminates any harsh shadows. Subtle light goes hand in hand with delicate imagery. Soft light lends itself to emphasising texture, form and tone. Saturated colour would have complicated these two particular photographs.

Alternatively, if your image does look too washed out, add some more black to create more density.

RUNNER-UP

WINNER MASAI MARA Chris Flack, New Zealand

WHY IT WORKS The white pattern on the men’s dark skin draws the eye by highlighting the biggest difference in tone in this image, but overall it is low in contrast. The slim tonal range of colours brings a simplicity and quietness to the photograph. The painted mask has framed the eyes of the man in the foreground as he peers into the lens, it’s as if he is looking straight at us.

RUNNER-UP DUSK Lisa Klifunis, Australia

WHY IT WORKS It would be easy to make a snap decision on this image and decide it was a black and white photograph, devoid of saturated colour. Gradually the subtle shades of the fairy lights gives away its true colour identity. The subtle tones and muted pigments instigate a vintage feel. This could have been shot 40 years ago or more recently on the Instagram app.

A THREE-DAY TOUR OF SCOTLAND AND A PHOTOGRAPHY COURSE Upload your images to tntmagazine.com/hotshots First prize is a three-day tour of Scotland for two worth £218 from Haggis Adventures (haggisadventures.com).

Must be taken within three months of receiving prize letter. The runner-up wins a £60 photography course voucher from Nigel Wilson Photography (photographycourses.org.uk).

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SAIL CROATIA OR GREECE ON YOUR OWN SKIPPERED YACHT

TOP FIVE

1

GREEK ISLANDS

MYKONOS

From £368 pp The charming windmills of Mykonos

sæ7 days sailing sæSwimming, relaxing and partying around the hottest island locations sæ3KIPPEREDæYACHTSæ sæ"9/æ!LCOHOL sæ"REAKFASTæ æLUNCHæINCLUDED sæ!VAILABLEæTOæGROUPSæANDæSINGLES sæ3/,$æ/54æINæ

"OOKæATæMEDSAILORS COM

Greece’s islands are a top destination for sun-seeking travellers – the lacework of beaches, whitewashed cubist houses, ancient towns and vibrant nightlife, all scattered across the Aegean and Ionian seas, make an irresistible mix of attractions. Rather handily, tour operators cover the best of these islands, so you can sail around them and see for yourself.

At the heart of the Cyclades archipelago, in the Aegean Sea, lies Mykonos. This island attracts a frantic mix of goodtimers, cruise-ship crowds, and posturing fashionistas.

They come because Mykonos’s beaches are magnificent and the nightlife is pumping – plus, it’s the closest spot to the sacred, archaeological island of Delos.

While Mykonos (or the Island Of Sails) might be welltrodden – the main beaches are packed and getting through the maze of Mykonos town is a jostle – parts of the island have maintained their authenticity. Off the beaten track, virgin coasts wait to be discovered. Quieter spots include Kalafatis, for surfing and diving; Ftelia, for windsurfers; and Ornos, with a coarse-sand beach that has been described as a slice of heaven.

Similarly, in pockets of the narrow alleys of the labyrinthine old town, the city pulses to a quieter beat.

On the other hand, you can get amongst it with the throngs at stylish bars, restaurants and shops. Spend your holiday cash – or watch people do it – at popular fashion street Matogianni, and check out Alefkandra, Mykonos’s Little Venice, where bars and tavernas are perched on the seaside against a backdrop of crowning windmills. Also, get snap happy at the whitewashed Panagia Paraportiani, an architectural delight, and the most famous of Mykonos’s 250 churches.

With names like Paradise and Super Paradise, and an array of activities on offer, it’s no wonder tourists pack on to the island’s most popular beaches.

Don’t leave out Elia beach, which boasts endless golden shores and crystal-clear water. Paradise, indeed. mykonos.gr

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TOP FIVE CHECKING IN

2

SANTORINI

The sunsets are something to behold in fabulous Santorini, in the Aegean Sea. This island has the most dramatic of landscapes and is home to one of the world’s biggest volcanic calderas.

Visit the village of Oia and take photos of the white houses against dark volcanic stone cliffs. Swim in the warm sea, enjoy stretches of dark sand, and hang around Thira – a town crowded with shops, hotels and nightlife, perched on the edge of a volcano. Spectacular. santorini.net

Photos: Dee Danaha, Thinkstock, vilagale.pt

4

IOS

If it’s partying right through the night you want, then Ios is the place to do it, but bring bags of stamina to survive the late-night action in Hora.

If you manage to see daylight, take in characteristic Aegean architecture, including hundreds of the iconic blue-domed chapels.

Ios is said to be the home of Homer, the legendary poet, who is celebrated with an annual festival including theatre, art, and folk song and dance, in May each year. greeka.com

3

ZANTE

Serious R&R

Sweeping down Greece’s west coast, the Ionian Islands include the likes of Corfu and Kefalonia. But if you want to get your party on, Zante is for you.

Find the big clubbing action on the south side of the island, particularly in Laganas, Argassi, Kalamaki and Tsilivi.

If you fancy an activity outside of boozing and beaches, take a daytrip to the Blue Caves, where the striking colour of the sea reflects on to these jagged formations. zanteholiday.co.uk

5

AMORGOS

With its whitewashed houses, crystalclear water and peaceful atmosphere, Amorgos is becoming the place to be among travellers in the Aegean Sea. A tourist boon came soon after French director Luc Besson shot the first part of his film The Big Blue here.

It’s no wonder he did. The coastline is 112km-long and surrounded by impressive mountains. The monastery of Hozoviotissa, wedged into a huge precipice 300m above the sea, is particularly impressive.

VILA GALÉ TAVIRA OVERVIEW This is a bit of a different proposition to your usual whitewashed Algarve hotel, thanks to the fact that it’s located in Tavira. The subdued village is a world away from the region’s packed beaches and pumping bars, offering a quieter alternative for some seriously thorough R&R. WOW FACTOR The sprawling pool area is particularly impressive, allowing languid loungers plenty of private space. There’s also a heated indoor pool and Turkish bath, and the Arabian-themed Ali Ba Bar bar, with its opulent spread of cushions, invites long sessions. The hotel is also close to the Ria Formosa national park, a landscape of peaceful coastal lagoons perfect for kayaking.

ROOMS Large and cool, rooms recreate the traditional Portuguese blue-and-white tile, but, as a result, there’s nothing resembling slick modernity here. The mostly silver-haired clientele fits right in on that score.

BILL PLEASE From £38pn.

Rua 4 de Outubro, Tavira vilagale.pt

amorgos-tourism.com

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TRAVELTIPS

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READERS’ TIPS

YOU ASKED FOR IT...

LAURA LINDSAY FROM LONELY PLANET

determined to go to Monte Carlo Q I’m for the Grand Prix this year and have

Morocco with them. They’re worried about planning their own trip and were thinking about doing a tour. Can you provide some suggestions of tour companies that cater to people 35-55 years old and aren’t too expensive? Brianna Marchant, via email

noticed that flights to Nice have more than doubled in the last month. Do you have any money-saving tips for this trip?

Emma, via email

first choice is whether to choose A Your a tour operator that includes flights and

to say it is impossible, but it does require some effort. Firstly, you must book your Grand Prix tickets as soon as you can, as they’re always in demand. This year’s event is over the weekend of May 26-27. The cheapest tickets are in the Secteur Rocher; for the Sunday tickets are £76.19 each, available through f1.com and acm.mc.

Accommodation will be your problem as Monaco is relatively small and places to stay are at a premium. The best advice is to stay outside Monaco and travel in. There are a large number of campsites in the area which you could cycle from – Beaulieu sur Mer is a popular resort 12km from Monaco. Another option is to stay a little further out of town and use the great network of trains. San Remo over the Italian border is a pretty resort, just over a one-hour train ride into Monaco (tickets £7 each way).

If you have plenty of time, driving to the French Riviera would be feasible (particularly if you have camping equipment), if you can bear the 15 hours in the car. Alternatively, you can fly to Nice for about £130 return with easyJet from Gatwick. While the train from London is an option, it works out more expensive than flying.

accommodation, or whether to book those independently. You can fly relatively cheaply with easyJet from Gatwick (currently £112 to Marrakech on October 6-13); bmi also fly from Heathrow. Booking a flight rather than a package is a good bet if budget is a priority.

Lonely Planet’s Morocco guide lists tour operators – authentic-morocco.com, supporting local communities, and equatorialtravel.co.uk, which offers tailor-made trips with a Fairtrade concept, are particularly good. In fact, there are so many companies to choose from, if you ask your parents what aspect of Morocco they are most interested in, you can then choose a tour operator to suit. There are operators that focus on historical, wildlife and adventure tours, for example.

Travelling independently around Morocco is possible, so your parents shouldn’t rule this out. However, if they want the hassle taken out of their trip, a tour is a great option and there is such a variety of tour groups, I’m sure they’ll find one to suit their needs.

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and budget are not two words you A Monaco usually hear together! This doesn’t mean

PLASTIC FANTASTIC I keep all of my documents – passport, boarding pass, booking confirmations, insurance details – together in a plastic wallet. It saves them from getting battered or sodden when your water bottle inevitably leaks, and you know where they all are.

Ele Cooper, via email

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This is a reader forum — TNT and Lonely Planet accepts no responsibility for any loss, injury or inconvenience sustained by anyone using the information provided.

Photos: Getty

parents are coming to visit in Q My October and I’m planning on going to

SECRET BEACH TIP Sardinia is amazing, and OF THE I cannot recommend Arutas WEEK beach enough to anyone.

It’s quite big, so not a secluded/ deserted spot, but it’s the sand that makes it special. Made up of small, round quartz grains, with colours that vary from pink to light-green to white, it’s pretty. And it means no itchy sand in your sun lotion, but is way more comfortable than a pebble beach as these tiny stones mould to your bum.

Catherine Bennion-Pedley, via email

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LAS FALLAS, VALENCIA Sacha Moreira, from South Africa

BEST / WORST TRIP

THE TRAVELLER

FABIENNE KRAMP, 21

PAUL-ANN BAILEY, 24

Cologne, Germany

London, England

BEST The seven months I spent in London were my favourite, because I was more exposed to the culture of the city than I would have been if I‘d just visited briefly.

WORST London again! A friend from Germany came to stay with me when I was living here and one day I took her to the London Eye. As we were going up, I realised a girl in our pod had a snake, and I’m absolutely terrified of snakes.

I was uncomfortable the whole way, and I couldn’t wait until we got back onto the ground so I could get out.

Most memorable travel experience?

Tanzania. We visited the native people of the Maasai tribe and saw their way of life and the mud huts they live in. We also went on a safari, where we saw all kinds of wildlife, including zebras and elephants.

Scariest travel experience?

It was the same trip. I was mugged in a town in Tanzania by a man with a machete. Luckily, I didn’t lose much, but it was terrifying.

Top travel tip?

Research and know what you’re getting into.

» Tell us your best/worst trips, email laura.chubb@tntmagazine.com

Photos: TNT, Getty

SPLASHING OUT

TITANIC AFTERNOON TEA To commemorate the (ill-fated) maiden voyage of the Titanic from Belfast, the Culloden Estate & Spa on Belfast Logh is serving up a Titanic Afternoon Tea with special Titanic cupcakes. Um, appropriate?

A two-night break, with the Titanic Afternoon Tea and B&B included, is £140pp (028 9042 1066; hastingshotels.com).

THE INSIDER

RICHARD BARDSLEY, Sales and marketing director, Safariland Cottages and Adventures

My most challenging travel experience was a toss-up between a minor car accident in Tanzania and ordering a Big Mac in Rome. Culture shock chooses some random times to strike. Fortunately, the rest of Rome was excellent fun.

My favourite place in the world is probably Hong Kong. Even though I was obviously a tourist, I never felt excluded from real life there.

The next trip on my travel wishlist is Japan. I’d like to hire a classic Kawasaki Z900 and do a top-to-bottom tour and see the real country, not just Tokyo. I suspect Tokyo is as little like the rest of Japan as London is like the rest of England.

My guilty travel pleasure is blaming jet lag for sleeping in for at least a week after I get home.

I always pack my dorky hat. I hate sunblock, so I always take along my peaked cap with a neck cape on the back.

My top travel tip is say ‘yes’ to everything.

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[Caption]

Bilbao BBK Live

Kele from the Bloc: playing on the Thursday, before Snow Patrol FRANCE Bilbao

SPAIN SPAIN

MADRID

Caption 70

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GETTING THERE Budget airlines easyJet (from Stansted) and Vueling (from Heathrow) operate direct flights to Bilbao (easyjet.com; vueling.com/en). Return flights from £72. Once in central Bilbao, the festival provides free shuttle buses to and from the site.

Beer it up at the festival; left: see the sights while you’re at it

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Basque in the glory of rock This year, Radiohead, The Cure and Bloc Party are just a few of the bands gracing the stage at Bilbao BBK Live music festival WORDS JANINE KELSO

The night is balmy, the mojitos are £1.50 a pop and I’ve only forked out a measly £88 for my weekend festival ticket to see music heavyweights Blondie, Kaiser Chiefs and Kasabian – a formula guaranteed to win over the most hard-to-impress festival veteran. Welcome to BBK Bilbao, a chilled-out rock festival and mud-free zone in Spain’s Basque Country.

Surrounded by brilliantly green mountains cloaked in low-lying clouds on the peak of Kobeta hill, which offers knockout views of the twinkling lights of Bilbao, BBK Live whips the ass of Reading and Glastonbury when it comes to location. This is especially important when pitching your tent as it means you can reside besides verdant rolling hills rather than cosying up to an overflowing portable toilet. What’s more, you can leave your wellies at home because it’s always mucho scorchio here in July.

Now in its seventh year, BBK has consolidated its reputation as one of Europe’s leading festivals, regularly pulling in 40,000 punters, after attracting a string of big names including Pearl Jam, Depeche Mode, Jane’s Addiction and Coldplay. This year has a stellar line-up with The Cure and Radiohead headlining, while other top artists on the bill include Mumford & Sons, Snow Patrol, Klaxons, The Gift, Bloc Party, Garbage, Enter Shikari, The Maccabees, Pure Love and Here We Go Magic.

Acts play alternately on the main stage and second stage, so there’s no chance of missing a band or being forced to make a tricky decision.

The festival’s medium-size and friendly, pan-global crowd means there’s a blinding atmosphere, coupled with a mood of trouble-free fun – I didn’t witness an iota of aggro while here. Black-T-shirt-wearing ageing rockers happily rub shoulders with hip young things, resulting in a curious mish-mash of dance moves during the acts: think hip-shaking versus moshing.

As the music doesn’t kick off until sundown, due to the sweat-inducing heat of the afternoon, there’s plenty of time to explore the city of Bilbao – well worth getting out of your sleeping bag for, and easy to reach, thanks to the shuttles that regularly run to and from the festival site.

The city’s shiniest attraction, Frank Gehry’s ark-like Guggenheim museum, is its biggest draw – a shimmering titanium juggernaut that houses modern art, the likes of which are a hit with snap-happy tourists: think Jeff Koons’

Puppy, a terrier carpeted in plants, and Louise Bougeois’ giant, imposing spider, Maman.

After a heady dose of culture, swing by the characterful old town, Casco Viejo, where the cobbled streets of Las Siete Calles (‘seven streets’) are chocka with bars stacked with plates of pintxos, the Basque version of tapas – small slices of bread piled high with artfully created toppings that cost about £2 each. I cruise from bar to bar, and wash each pintxo down with generous libations of velvety Rioja and lager.

“

BBK whips the ass of Reading and Glasto

”

Although glitzy San Sebastian, a two-hour drive away, is Spain’s culinary capital, Bilbao is much more affordable (and far less touristy), enabling you to eat like a king on a pauper’s budget.

Progressive: Radiohead are headlining TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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BEST OF THE FEST EUROPE’S TOP MUSIC FESTIVALS

The fabulous timing of BBK on July 12-14 means that it falls straight after the San Fermin festival, otherwise known as the Running of the Bulls, a wild no-holds-barred fiesta of bull runs, street parties and sangria fights, from July 6-14.

Several tour operators, such as Contiki and PP Travel, have capitalised on this, combining the two fun-filled festivals in one holiday package.

In need of some post-festival R&R, I hire a car and explore the dreamy, crowd-free beaches that dot the northern coast, the nearest of which is a mere 10-minute drive away, or a 35-minute Metro ride from Bilbao to Sopelana. Spain’s green and rugged Atlantic coast is popular with surfers, but the breaks aren’t as overrun as Newquay in the summer months. Mundaka is the region’s most famous surf spot, while Sopelana has a tranquil nudist beach, Barinatxe, as popular with good-looking twenty-somethings as it is with leather-skinned pensioners.

Rivermouth site Rodiles is home to one of the country’s most legendary waves thanks in part to its tranquil setting in a pine forest at the edge of a sweeping bay. Glamorous San Sebastian is a must-see and the three-hour coastal drive from Bilbao is one of the best in Spain.

After an unforgettable few weeks in the Basque Country, I vow to return to BBK. The cheap beer, smiley faces and sunshine contribute to the festival’s feel-good factor, and unlike my experiences at some of the UK’s depressingly corporate festivals, I’ve come away without being splattered in mud and without feeling ripped off. ❚ A three-day pass for Bilbao BBK Live on July 12-14, including camping, is £88. Day tickets cost £46. Buy tickets from seetickets.com, ticketweb.com and lastminute.com See bilbaobbklive.com for festival updates.

EXIT WHAT: In an 18th-century Petrovaradin fortress overlooking the Danube, Exit (above) is among Europe’s top festivals, thanks to a scenic backdrop and top-notch acoustics.

WHERE: Novi Sad, Serbia.

WHEN: July 12-15.

THE DAMAGE: £120 including camping.

HEADLINERS: Guns N’ Roses, New Order, Gossip, Richie Hawtin and Wolfmother.

SEE: exitfest.org

BENICASSIM WHAT: This four-day music festival takes place on the east coast of Spain between Valencia and Barcelona, within striking distance of several beaches. Bands play from 5pm until 8am to a young, hedonistic crowd.

WHERE: Benicassim, Valencia, Spain.

WHEN: July 12-15.

THE DAMAGE: £155.

HEADLINERS: The Stone Roses, Florence + The Machine, The Vaccines, New Order, Example and Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds.

SEE: benicassimfestival.co.uk

PINKPOP WHAT: Three days of music on three stages at this 60,000capacity festival, situated 134 miles from Amsterdam.

WHERE: Landgraaf, Netherlands.

WHEN: May 26-28.

THE DAMAGE: £133.

HEADLINERS: The Cure, Kasabian, Soundgarden, Mumford & Sons, Linkin Park and Bombay Bicycle Club.

SEE: pinkpop.nl

ROCK AM RING AND ROCK IM PARK

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Photos: Thinkstock, Getty

Retro: The Cure will play a blistering set

WHAT: Boasting 85 bands across three stages over three days, these simultaneous rock festivals are one of the largest of their kind in the world, with more than 150,000 people attending the two events.

WHERE: The Nurburgring racetrack and Nuremberg, both in Germany.

WHEN: June 1-3.

THE DAMAGE: £145, including camping.

HEADLINERS: Linkin Park, Metallica, Cypress Hill, Example, Marilyn Manson, Motorhead and Tinie Tempah.

SEE: rock-am-ring.com

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TRAVELWEEKENDER

Hats off This is Panama City in 48 hours WORDS CLARE VOOGHT

DAY 1: 09:00 Panama is the last country in the connecting Central American strait before you reach Colombia and the rest of South America. And Panama City is the country’s rollicking capital – it’s loud, hedonistic and doesn’t get a whole lot of sleep. It’s also home to plenty of natural beauty. As it’s 9am, you might want to get stuck straight into that side of things first, and have your mind blown by the stunning creatures in the Parque Natural Metropolitano de Panama (parquemetropolitano.org). Spot brownheaded spider monkeys, keel-billed toucans, blue-andyellow macaws, brown-throated three-toed sloths and animals you didn’t even know existed (red-eared slider – it’s a stripey kind of turtle). Entry is US$1 (63p). Want to see even more? Get up-close-and-personal with a crane tour of the park’s rainforest canopy with Ancon Expeditions (anconexpeditions.com).

13:00 Refuel with an executive burger, for £5.50, with avocado, bacon, cheese and sauteed onions at Market (marketpanama.com) – a popular deli-style eatery for a laidback lunch.

14:30 Spend the afternoon checking out Casco Viejo, Panama’s historic district and World Heritage site, which started out in the second half of the 17th century as a walled city. As Panama was a major port, exporting most of the gold and silver Spain took from America, the walls protected inhabitants against pirate attacks. Here you’ll find Caribbean architecture, Art Deco, French and colonial buildings – plus the Las Bovedas (an esplanade that runs along the top of the sea wall) and the Neo-Classical National Theatre.

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19:30 Sample some proper working-class Panamanian food in the open-air cafeteria-style El Rincon Tableno (corner of Calle 27 Este and Av Balboa La Explosion), which is something of a local institution and hasn’t been changed into a tourist-friendly food stop. Menus change daily but don’t bring a veggie – the dishes are all about the meat.

22:00 Legendary nightlife is what Panama City does best.

You’ll find it on Calle Uruguay, where there are bars and clubs for every kind of thrillseeker. There’s a branch of Hooters (hooterspanama.com), close to a big Miami-style clubbers’ paradise, called K’OS. But if you’re in the market for sampling the local nightlife, head up the road to salsa, merengue and bachata bar, Bamboleo (Calle 48) and ask for a cubetazo (bucket of beer) – it will set you back less than most of the other nearby drinking holes.

03:00 Retreat to party hostel and backpacker haven, Luna’s Castle (lunascastlehostel.com). The creaky colonial mansion by the sea is a hotspot on the Gringo trail and the party may well be continuing when you get back in.

DAY 2: 11:30 Allow yourself some morning recovery time, then give your hangover a big grin goodbye with a huge plateful of rice and the meat of the day at the oldschool diner, Cafe Coca Cola on Avenida Central Casco Viejo. The air-conditioned spot is a good place to people watch, and it’s a hub for chess games and tuning into Latin American football matches on TV. 13:30 Take a stroll along the Panama Canal, which links the Atlantic Ocean, via the Caribbean Sea, to the Pacific.

It’s a key route for international ships. A good vantage point

Photos: Thinkstock

Snap: take a turn around the photogenic Casco Viejo

is the Miraflores Visitor Centre, at the Miraflores locks (pancanal.com), which has a viewing terrace and an exhibition on the canal’s history. Entry is £5.

14:30 And while on the subject of the canal, the Canal Administration Building (pancanal.com) is worth a visit.

It might sound as dull as dishwater, but is far from it. The ceilings of the striking hilltop colonial building sport some impressive murals, painted by New Yorker William B. Van Ingen, and depict the labour effort that went into building the canal, from excavation to constructing locks and dams.

16:00 Now head up to the Amador Causeway. The four small islands were connected to act as a breakwater to protect the canal entrance using the rocks excavated when the waterway was built. It’s a popular walking, cycling and jogging spot, where you get an amazing view of the city.

19:30 Get some nosh at Al Tambor de la Alegria, on Brisas de Amador, where dishes are named after Panama’s different regions and cost from £4.50. Arrive before 9pm on Monday-Saturday and you may be lucky enough to catch an hour-long folklore dance presentation covering the history of Panama, from the arrival of the Spanish to the construction of the canal.

23:00 Bid adieu to Panama City as the locals would – by partying. Habana Panama (habanapanama.com) – imagine the colourful vibe of 1950s Cuba – is a good place to do so.

Flights from London Heathrow to Panama City start at £552 return with Iberia iberia.com/gb Also see visitpanama.com

Croc: you can spot caymans in the city’s natural park

Dance: salsa and merengue all night at Calle Uruguay TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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Xxxxxxxxx Varanasi XXXX INDIA

NEPAL NEW DELHI

MAP Varanasi REQUEST

PLEASE!

GETTING GETTINGTHERE THERE Xxxxxxxxx Flights from London Gatwick to Varanasi cost from £654 return with British Airways and Kingfisher Airlines. (britishairways.com; flykingfisher.com)

INDIA

[Caption] sadhus stand in line to offer prayers to Lord Shiva Devotion: 76

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Holy city One of the most intense places on the planet, India’s Varanasi is a challenging blend of burning bodies, sadhus and sacred weed WORDS CAROLINE EDEN

WHEN TO GO: Visit Varanasi “Madam, I am warning you, it is not advisable in the cool, dry season, between have come from remote villages and that it’s November and March. to be out after 6pm tonight,” Kush, my poplikely “they’ve not seen Westerners before”. eyed guesthouse manager, says, wagging ‘Big Sean’, from Los Angeles, bravely dives CURRENCY: £1=INR79.8 his chubby finger at me. Then, with a Hindi in first. We travellers quickly form our own (Indian rupee) head wobble, he adds: “It’s Shiva festival. Big ACCOMMODATION: Ganpati ragtag gang and slip into the crowd. Our festival! 100,000 people coming to Varanasi.” pace is painfully slow. With paths blocked Guesthouse is fantastic value, And, with that, I misguidedly choose to and groups coming at us from all directions, with helpful staff, good river views ignore travel rule number one – always listen and a great location. From about Sean shouts: “This is just like a zombie movie!” I grimace in response as I’m pushed £7.50pn (ganpatiguesthouse.com). to the locals. through the mucky lanes. Varanasi is one of At Scindhia Guesthouse, the most At about 9pm, after a leisurely curry and the oldest continuously inhabited cities in the expensive rooms are overpriced, a cuppa at a small café in the company of world and it shows its age through its littlebut are spotless and come with an a handful of other backpackers, a strange, changed passageways and temples. awesome view and little balcony. collective unease begins to flow from table After half an hour of elbowing, pushing Located by the main burning ghat, to table. and trying desperately to avoid groping, we with rooms starting at about £5pn Beyond the café, in the ancient, dungspy the guesthouse – glimmering on (scindhiaguesthouse.com). strewn alleyways, are long lines of men. A a raised bank like a mirage. Finally, sweating, ragged bunch, barefoot and red-eyed, they’re SEE: varanasicity.com cursing and in fits of laughter, Sean and walking conga-style, in the direction of the I bowl through the front door and collapse. Kush looks at us Ganges River. Some are punching the air, others in a fatherly fashion, then at his watch, and gives us a shrug are thwacking handmade drums with sticks. that simply says: “I told you so.”

Varanasi’s lanes are so narrow that they usually only Most travellers to India have Varanasi on their itinerary. accommodate two people abreast, but now the number It’s well known as a good spot to sign up for a crash course in is five, six, even 10 across. The marchers don’t appear Indian cookery, and is a photographer’s dream with its highaggressive, but the sheer number in the thronging lines octane mysticism and a heady mix of saffron-robed sadhus is intimidating. (ascetics), pilgrims, drifters, beggars and tourists.

The café’s sociable owner, Bablu, gathers his diners into Then there are the mourners. Hindus believe that if they the corner for a quick heads-up. “Shivaratri is the mother of are cremated here, out in the open, on the banks of the all festivals here. It is celebrated all over India, but as this is Ganges, at one of the two burning ghats (steps to the holy home to the Ganges River and Lord Shiva, many come here river), they will achieve moksha – liberation from the cycle to walk tonight, visiting different temples.” of rebirth. Most of all, though, Varanasi is famous for the Questions erupt. The main one being – how on earth will Ganges, which is worshipped (quite literally) as a goddess, we get through the crowd to our guesthouses? The Old City and is where pilgrims wash, swim, pray and bathe. stretches several kilometres along the western bank of the With this in mind, the following day, after dodging Ganges, and we are all staying in digs in different parts of a big-bollocked monkey that had crept on to my tiny the city. balcony, I meet with Ragu, my guide, who promises to With no answer for us, the proprietor turns on his heels, let me in on some of Varanasi’s special secrets. and tells us to “stand back” as he slams down the blue metal We start with a walking tour, as strolling the pungent shutters with us inside. “These young men are high on bhang galis (alleys) is the best way to get initiated in the different (cannabis, Shiva’s drug of choice, is legally bought here from temples, stone palaces, cafes, shops and ‘chaiwallas’ selling government-approved shops), I think it will be very hard for tea. Lines of men cross the paths carrying dead bodies to ›› you to get home from here.” Bablu tells us that the men TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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Holy: bathing (left) and bodies on the Ganges the burning ghats on bamboo stretchers, chanting, “Ram nam satya hai” (‘The name of Rama is truth’).

Finally, we pop out into the sun. “This is the smaller burning ghat, called Harishchandra,” Ragu says. “Here, you can see the dead body’s feet are painted pink – that means it’s a woman.” Firewood surrounds her as flames lick at the muslin shroud she’s partially wrapped in. Her feet and legs quickly turn from a bright-pink flesh colour to a sinister black charcoal. Another body, burnt to a cinder, lies a metre or so away from us. The cremation ground is a terrible carpet of ash, discarded clothes, burnt wood, mangy dogs and rubbish.

Flecks of black ash stick to my sweaty shirt.

Behind us is an electric crematorium, in addition to the traditional pyres, which are directly in front. Mortality is inescapable here, but far from being morbid, the atmosphere feels natural – and positive, even. The sound of crackling, a bit like a barbecue, is faintly audible. About 30 metres away I spot a group of pilgrims dropping into the Ganges like penguins.

As I am digesting all this, Ragu points to the centre of the Ganges. “You see that?” An animal appears to be bobbing up and down. I nod, nervous of what is to follow. “That’s a dog,” Ragu says. “He is eating a body. Some people we don’t burn, like holy men, pregnant women, lepers and children.”

He rolls off these exceptions like a shopping list, so familiar is he with this peculiar place. Sensing my thoughts, Ragu looks at the ground and philosophically says: “Life is just a memory.”

We stop to relax in a cool courtyard of the Nepali Pashupati temple, close to Lalita Ghat, created from wood and rich with erotic carvings. Ragu divulges some insider information on where to eat masala dosa (the VSR 78

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restaurant) and where to drink the tastiest yoghurt-based lassi (Blue Lassi, near Vishwanath temple).

“But you want to know the best secret of Varanasi, so have you heard of the Aghoris?” I shake my head and answer that I’ve never heard of them. “They’re a little-known Hindu sect, who hide out in the forests, but I know one that lives nearby.” I ask what makes them different, and without missing a beat, he replies, “they eat corpses”. With raised eyebrows, I guffaw at him.

“Really!” he insists. ”They practice black magic. At

Squeeze: the narrow, winding alleys of Varanasi

midnight they go waist-deep into the Ganges and look for bodies and they eat certain parts of the flesh to give themselves strength. They also drink from the skulls. Come, I will take you to the one I know. His name is Baba Naganath.”

We walk behind the ghats until we reach the north end of the Old City. En route, we stop at an akhara (wrestling arena) as an energetic bout of Indian wrestling (kushti) is going on.

Oil-slathered men, in the tiniest of red shorts, grapple with one another and strike poses when they spot us watching.

The pehlwans’ (wrestlers) arms are rounded with thick muscles and their movements look refined and well-practiced. Ragu tells me that wrestling competitions, or dangals, regularly take place.

Soon we arrive in front of a small Shiva temple. Inside, a tiny, dreadlocked man is sitting next to a flaming mound of coal into which he has stuck a cluster of tall forks. The air is

“

In the river is a dog.

He is eating a body

”

thick and soupy with smoke. Baba Naganath looks incredibly thin and he shoots me a hungry, fangy stare.

Wearing only thin cotton trousers and a black synthetic bum bag, he sits on a filthy, thin mattress. Once I join him, he smiles freely and hands me some prasad (temple food), a squidgy, fudge-like substance that he’s been mixing with his hands. I eat it, tentatively, fearing what it may have been mixed with. I wash the buttermilk taste down quickly with steaming hot chai.

We chat and drink more chai as Ragu translates. It seems Baba is fasting in protest, as the government, he says, “is not taking proper care of Mother Ganga”. I long to hear more about his life, but the hot coals of the fire, combined with the sun outside, are unbearable, and soon Ragu and I slide back outside.

After this perplexing episode, I’m keen for a more typical Varanasi experience. At dawn the following morning, we are pulled along the Ganges by a cheerful boatman, who ››

Raghvendra Agrahari

The Insider's guide Born and raised in Varanasi, Raghvendra Agrahari, 24, works as an official tour guide in the city.

What’s your top tip for Varanasi?

A tourist once tipped me £300! Just kidding. My top tip would be to learn some simple rules that will stop you getting duped by salesmen. For example, don’t follow the young guys that hang around the main burning ghat (Manikarnika), who’ll suggest you go with them for a good view. If you do, they’ll get aggressive unless you give them a large amount of baksheesh (a bribe). Also, try ‘puri sabzi’ – fried puffed bread and fried vegetables – for breakfast.

It’s a Varanasi staple.

Where’s best to chill out?

At Assi Ghat, head to the Lotus Lounge, which has Ganges views and tasty smoothies and decent coffee.

Alcohol is not that easy to find in Varanasi, but head to the Palace on Ganges at Assi Ghat where they have a roof-top restaurant and you might get a drink – some places will serve it to you wrapped in plain paper as alcohol is not really allowed on the river.

Where’s good for an adventure?

One little-known adventure is that on the east bank of the Ganges, where there is the chance to ride horses.

Agree a fee with a boatman to take you across the river and after 10am you’ll find a few boys who let tourists ride their horses for a small fee. Expect to pay something like Rs70 (£1) for 20 minutes. Remember to fix the price with the boatman first and ask him to wait for you and take you back across the river.

What do you like to do in Varanasi?

My friends and I like to go to IP Mall – which was the first large mall to open in the area – as it has McDonald’s and Domino’s Pizza as well as IP Cinema, which shows Western and Bollywood films.

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sings devotional songs as he rows us past smiling pilgrims washing in the holy river. The waters in the early morning are thick with floating turds, bands of black bubbles and white soap suds.

The pale sun rises over the desolate east bank and slowly turns a deep red. Hundreds of camera’s snap away as tourists “ohh” and “ahh” from their boats. With the warm sun on my back, I feel very much at one with Varanasi. Like much of India, it’s essentially a welcoming place. Hindus reverentially call it ‘the city of light’, but to outsiders it is perhaps more than that – it is another spellbinding world entirely. ❚ Caroline travelled with Intrepid Travel, which offers a three-day short break in Varanasi from £70pp twin share (£90pp single room), including breakfast, walking tours, Ganges river cruise, excursion to Sarnath and sunrise boat ride. Intrepid Travel can also arrange flights. intrepidtravel.com

NEXT WEEK Colombia: Partying and pirates in Cartagena

VOLUNTEER IN VARANASI LEARN FOR LIFE SCHOOL Here’s how to give something back to Varanasi, with the Learn for Life School.

There are several bakeries close to the Ganges, and one of the best is the Brown Bread Bakery. Head here to enquire about the excellent volunteering opportunities at the Learn for Life School, which is a 20-minute rickshaw ride out of the Old City. This school has been teaching poor, disadvantaged children (most of whom are the children of fishermen or low-caste families who live on an average combined income of £27 a month) since 2005. Run by Principal Anand Mishra, volunteers are welcomed by the friendly team here. After an assessment, those with special extra-curricular skills (art, photography, music, etc.) can help for short periods of a week or two, but those who wish to teach the actual curriculum must commit to a month, or ideally two.

Crowds: expect them at the festival for Shiva

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Give something back: teach kids in the city Note that some less-reputable charities have jumped on the bandwagon of this successful German NGO-run charity.

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Brown Bread Bakery, 5/127 Tripura Bhairavi Dashaswamedh, Varanasi; learn-for-life.net; brownbreadbakery.com; volunteers@learn-for-life.net

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Ricky the mush-master: Thanks for the wicked trip to Amsterdam, bro. Those ‘rooms turned me a gibbering gnat – all those elephants. Woah, haha. Happy times, dude. Steve.

Debbie: Hahaha. The boys found your vibe while you were in Iceland.

Can’t say much, but it went on tour around London. Wait for the photos.

The 43a gang.

Welcome to the gun show: Skelter, you’re a money-raping

arsehole. Arm wrestles are my thing – the only explanation I can think of is you injected ‘roids between your toes. I want a rematch. I’ll squeeze your hands so hard your fingernails pop off. Game on? The Real Hulk Hogan.

Happy Birthday, Gemma Pops: Just hurry up and get better so we can go disco. Love from your bestie, Laura.

Best memories: Happy Birthday Laura Luxembourg. Sadly, you are no longer here to celebrate, but that’s not going to stop us throwing a party for you. You’ll be watching from above, smiling, I’m sure. We miss you. RK. Stinkface: Ken, visiting your place is like venturing into the squalid environs of a tramp’s east London hideout. You’ve got to tidy that shit up, or mum will freak when she arrives. Pay me 50 quid and I’ll help. Sister Roxanna.

Rose from Esperance at Defectors Weld Saturday, March 24: We had a brief exchange at the bar about falcons (weird) after your short peroxide blonde crop caught my eye. I don’t think it was the lack of ventilation that made me sizzle. I’m pretty sure it was you. I bottled it when it came time to ask for your number – even your name would have been a good start. I saw you had TNT in your hand, so I hope you get this. I was the guy with the Monkees t-shirt on. See ya, Malcolm.

To bad-ass Dave: You are more of a honey badger than I could ever be. I dig you. Come at me, bitch.

Jaq Jaqs.

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To the hot barman at Drift Bar in Bishopsgate on March 27: We had a chat about the sunshine when you poured me a gin and tonic at the makeshift bar. You wore a tweed flatcap and a waistcoat and you made my knees wobble. I think we may have had something. If I’m your type, how about a date? Get in touch here. Siobhan Taylor.

Top Model: You know what, Top Model? It is rude to come to someone’s town and do nothing but complain about it. Why even bother spending the money to come to London if all you’re going to do is bitch and moan? I am never hosting your ungrateful ass again. So there. Elle C. Boo: Three-and-a-half weeks! I can’t believe you’re going home for three-and-a-half weeks! OK, so the dirty sock mountains will disappear from the flat for a while, but I am still bereft. And what am I going to do for packed lunches now?! The spaghetti diet starts here. Boo 2.

Kelly-make-your-mind-up: You deleted me from Facebook, then three weeks later added me again. I can only assume, since our bust up, your life is too pitiful to be fulfilling, so now you’re prying on mine again for some inspiration.

You reek of jealousy, Kel. Maybe it’s time to swallow your fat ego and make an apology. You might be amused at the reception. Ruth.

The Catherine House Crew: Easter Hat Friday is shaping up to be a phat feat. How’s your headwear coming along? You know I am the milliner maestro – c’est

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