TNT Magazine / Issue 1523

November 5-11 2012 Issue 1523 tntmagazine.com

WIN!

FREE TICKETS AND BOOZE AT BODEAN’S BBQ ROCK ‘N’ ROLL PARTY

FREAKY FUNNYMAN Sanderson Jones is coming to get you

TEAR UP THE TRACKS All-action biking in Snowdonia, Wales

JINGLE YOUR BELLS A guide to Europe’s best Xmas markets

P U T I H G U A L

dy special e m o c e v li a h our meg it w s e lu b r e he wint Blow away t + WINTER SPORTS IN LONDON DISCOVER SAMOA LATE DEALS TNT 1523 Cover.indd 1

1/11/12 17:00:04

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to everyone who voted

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1/11/12 17:14:18

LAURA CHUBB EDITOR laura.chubb@tntmagazine.com

EDITOR’S LETTER For me, going to see live comedy is as fraught with fear as it is filled with fun. On the one hand, I love a night out that guarantees a good laugh. On the other, I spend at least 80 per cent of that night looking at the floor rather than the comedian, lest I become the joke. So you’d think Sanderson Jones, the funnyman who hand-sells tickets so he can pick his targets early, would scare the living shite out of me. Actually, he does. But he’s so ingenious, I kinda want to go and see him anyway. Turn to P30 for more.

THIS WEEK LONDONDIARY

4-5

LONDONNEWS

6

MY LONDON DRINK & EATS

14-15

@TNT

16

SPOTTED

19

LONDON SOUND

20-21

LISTINGS CLUB & GIGS

22&25

COMPETITION

24

CHATROOM HUEY MORGAN

27

LONDON SCENE

28-29

LONDON FOCUS

30-32

SPARE TIME

Photos: Jess Bonham; Getty; Thinkstock

12

34

LIFESTYLE

35-45

SHOPPING

35

HEALTH & BEAUTY

36-37

CAREERS

38-39

LIVING

44-45

NEWS & SPORT

46-58

TRAVEL

61-84

DIARY

62

NEWS

63

LATE DEALS

66

HOTSHOTS

69

30

FEATURES SEND IN THE CLOWNS

8

Warm your cockles with cackles as kick-ass new comedy hits London

STAND-UP SELL-OUT

No one’s safe from Sanderson Jones, the comic who spruiks his tickets on the street

RENAISSANCE RUGBY

56

TNT talks to Wallaby flanker David Pocock – and there’s more than meets the eye

YOU BETWS-Y!

64

It should say “beauty”, as we discover in the Welsh action capital, Betws-y-Coed

TOP FIVE

70-71

STOCKING FILLER

TIPS & STUFF

72-73

SHORT BREAK

74-76

We find Europe’s best markets for festive cheer and gallons of glühwein at Xmas

48 HOURS IN... MUMBAI

78-79

CLASSIFIEDS DESPERATELY SEEKING

86-113 114

56

30

STUNNING SAMOA

74

80

This ruggedly gorgeous Polynesian haven is perfect for an island-hopping getaway

80 TNTMAGAZINE.COM

1523 Contents.indd 3

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EDITORIAL Group editor Carol Driver Editor Laura Chubb Content editors: Sub/ Sport Michael Gadd Travel Helen Elfer Entertainment Alasdair Morton Web Oliver Jones Social media Dan Thorne Features writer Jade Bremner DESIGN AND PRODUCTION Head of design and production Jon Cooke

LONDONDIARY

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@tntmagazine

Good luck: Sarah Bennetto will have a story about that

Acting picture researcher Ruth Board DIGITAL & IT Head of digital marketing and development Syed Ahmad

SALES Commercial director David Alstin Sales manager Jaqui Ward Classified Ad Manager Matt Syder Sales executives Eddie Clinton Donovan Smith | Michael Fair Sales administrator Abby Nightingale MARKETING & EVENTS Marketing and events executive Phoebe Cherrill ACCOUNTS Margaret Roberts | Suzanne Welsh TNT MULTIMEDIA LTD CEO Kevin Ellis Chairman Ken Hurst PUBLISHER TNT Multimedia Limited DISTRIBUTION Emblem Direct Ltd PRINTED BY Wyndeham Peterborough Limited NEWS AAP SAPA NZPA PICTURES Getty Images, TNT Images, Thinkstock TNT Magazine , 16 Brune St, London, E1 7NJ tntmagazine.com General enquiries Phone 020 7953 8469 Fax 020 7953 7957 Email enquiries@tntmagazine.com SALES ENQUIRIES

PHONE 020 7989 0567 EMAIL sales@tntmagazine.com

Shhh... SECRET LONDON LONDON STORYTELLING FESTIVAL LEICESTER SQUARE THEATRE

All sorts of creative forms get festivals celebrating them, but this one’s a bit different in that it focuses on the art of storytelling. From campfire tales to conversations shared over a pint – stories entertain, captivate and connect us, and that’s what this is all about. Stars from comedy and theatre convene for workshops, feature-length storytellings, and improv sessions. Highlights include musical tales from Story Jam, Sarah Bennetto (above) on her freakish good fortune and Aussie comedy storyteller Asher Treleaven. £8+

WHERE TO GET TNT

COVER PRICE: £1 where sold SEE tntmagazine.com/findtnt for pick-up points or tntmagazine.com/emag to read TNT online SUBSCRIPTIONS AND DISTRIBUTION Caroline Penn 01603 559004

Nov 9-18.

6 Leicester Place, WC2H 7BX

Leicester Square

londonstorytellingfestival.co..uk

ILLUMINATIONS

THE TASHATORIUM

LONDON JAZZ FESTIVAL

Dreamy discopop from Chromatics, ethereal R&B from How To Dress Well, alternative girl choir Gaggle – this specially curated festival takes the multi-genre approach, and even adds in an audiovisual performance by Dam Mantle and Patten, in what’s a treasure chest of surprises hosted in grand music halls and warehouse spaces.

In aid of Movember, the month in which guys refuse to shave for a good cause, this tachecelebrating pop-up mixes male grooming, cultured cocktails and live music. The rules stipulate that you “must take on the challenges laid down by our dapper host” and “mingle with the bizarre characters in the lounge”. Intriguing.

Sultry songstress Imelda May, newcomer Sophie Hunger and one-man orchestra Hyperpotamus are just a few of the highlights at this cityspanning fest that holds as many as 30 gigs on a single night. If your appreciation of jazz extends to the Lethal Weapon soundtrack, this is the perfect chance for some musical discovery.

Nov 5-10. Various times.

Various illuminationslondon.com

Nov 7-9, 5-8pm. Nov 10, 2pm-8pm W2 4YN Bayswater whiteleys.com

Nov 9-18. Various times.

Various londonjazzfestival.org.uk

All thieves of TNT bins will be prosecuted.

£10+

TNT Magazine is printed on paper from sustainable forests. There is no business connection between the proprietors of this magazine and TNT Ltd, the worldwide transportation group. Copyright here and abroad of all original materials is held by TNT Magazine.

Reproduction in whole or part is forbidden, except with permission of the publishers.

Registered as a newspaper at the Post Office.

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FREE

VARIOUS

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Boned: taking a cleaver to bingo

BUTCHERY BINGO

The Shoreditch Butchery Bingo has a reputation for being the preserve of bluerinsed coffin-dodgers. Not here, though, as this new weekly bingo night proudly taunts, “forget Mecca and fuck Gala”. There’s no cheese and cringe at this event – what you do get is an interactive experience with musical mayhem, drinking, team rounds, more drinking, prizes and heaps more boozing at the end, just in case there was a risk of you leaving sober. £3

Mondays, from Nov 5, 7pm-10pm C2A 4AP Old Street shoreditchbutchery.co.uk

A TESTING TIME

NIGHTS OF NOIR

London-based artists from around the world (Romania, Iran, New Zealand included and 13 in all) come together in this contemporary photographic exhibition, where the subjects covered range from the overt to the intensely personal, from images of mass gatherings to insighful family portrait.

This movie season combines classic noirs with contemporary neo-noirs across three evenings of double-headers.

Kiss Me Deadly and Blue Velvet are first up, with the Robert Mitchum-starring Night Of The Hunter and the Coens’ classic Fargo next, and Reservoir Dogsinfluencing The Killing and The Long Goodbye closing.

FREE

Nov 7-11, Wed-Sat, 11am-9pm; Sun, 11am-5pm Apricot Gallery, E1 5LJ Liverpool Street atestingtime.org.uk

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£21

Buy online at fulhamfc.com or call 0843 208 1234 (option 1) All matches are now on General Sale (excluding Tottenham).

All tickets are subject to availability, terms and conditions apply.

Nov 9-11. From 7pm Old Vic Tunnels, SE1 8SW Waterloo oldvictunnels.com

2/11/12 15:01:26

LONDONNEWS

follow us on

@tntmagazine

TAXPAYERS PAY £10K TO STUFF SNAKE Foreign secretary William Hague has splashed out £10,000 of taxpayers’ money on stuffing an anaconda at the Foreign Office’s HQ in Whitehall.

The snake, Albert, is 20ft long and 120 years old. The Foreign and Commonwealth Office defended the decision, saying in a statement: “Albert the anaconda was allegedly presented by a Bishop, in what is now Guyana, to the Colonial Secretary in the 19th century ... as a gift to the FCO, Albert is therefore regarded as an FCO asset. As such, the FCO is obliged to maintain its assets, and the work on Albert was essential maintenance.”

Phew. For a minute there we thought they were just pissing our money away.

I hope their abacus comes undone and they choke on the beads DJ Danny Baker’s on-air response to his bosses after finding out they’d cancelled his BBC London 94.9 radio show

4G SPEEDS ‘PATCHY’ ACROSS LONDON EE is the first to launch the new 4G hyper-fast mobile internet network, but has so far proved a tad unreliable.

The BBC’s technology correspondent, Rory Cellan-Jones, reported that the new 4G phone he collected at EE’s London store delivered staggeringly fast results in their flagship HQ. However, results were less impressive back at the BBC offices, and he again had problems inside Euston station.

ON THE TUBE

TNT caught up with players from Port Adelaide and Western Bulldogs at their official welcome party at Australia House ahead of the big game at Kia Oval. The lads looked a little jetlagged but were buoyed by the Coopers Pale and meat pies

‘Smoky’ cocktails danger

London bars warned off nitrogen drinks after teen’s stomach removed Bars across London have been warned against the dangers of serving cocktails containing liquid nitrogen, following reports that a teenager had to have her stomach removed after she drank two drinks containing the chemical in the capital’s West End. The cocktails have become popular in recent times for the smoky effect achieved when the nitrogen comes in to contact with room temperature.

The substance once reserved for labs, along with dry ice, has also become popular in gastronomy. When served, it looks as though a spooky fog is ascending.

But Lancashire council has written to London venues warning of the potential risks, after the county’s resident Gaby Scanlon wound up in hospital due to two

Jägermeister drinks which were laced with nitrogen before she drank them at her 18th birthday celebration.

Scanlon said she had felt fine after the first drink, but that the second made her double over in “excruciating pain”.

Food health and safety manager James Armitage explained to the Evening Standard: “Businesses and customers should ensure that [the nitrogen] has completely boiled off, with no fog or mist visible, before attempting to consume the product.

“Both substances [dry ice and liquid nitrogen] carry the risk of cold burns, asphyxiation in enclosed spaces, and explosions in enclosed containers, the latter as a result of the rate of expansion as the substances change state.”

THIS WEEK IN LONDON...

The Exorcist in paper form

THIS WEEKEND’S CLOSURES/WORKS

BAKERLOO: No service between Stonebridge Park and Harrow & Wealdstone on Sunday. Rail replacement buses operate.

NORTHERN: No service between

PICCADILLY: No service between Wood Green and Cockfosters all weekend. Rail replacement buses operate.

6

Photos: Marc Hagan-Guirey, TNT Images

Edgware and Hampstead all weekend.

Rail replacement buses operate.

If you’re still feeling spooky after all that Halloween tricking and treating, you can get your fright fix at the Horrorgami exhibition in north London until Nov 14.

‘Paper architect’ Marc Hagan-Guirey’s first ever exhibition is a collection of famous haunted houses, all cut from a single sheet of A4 paper. Devilish dwellings from the likes of Beetlejuice, Pyscho, The Exorcist, The Shining, The Addams Family and The Amityville Horror have been painstakingly snipped and folded by the artist, who admits that ”what started off as a hobby quickly grew into an obsession”. The houses are displayed backlit by lightboxes to make them extra eerie. Catch the show at One-and-a-Half Gallery, Mon-Fri 10am-5pm and Sat-Sun 11am-4pm. See one-and-a-half.com

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

1523 FINAL LONDON News.indd 6

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ANGLO PACIFIC SHIPPING & TAX 30th Anniversary OVER 500,000 SATISFIED CUSTOMERS HAVE ALREADY TRUSTED THEIR POSSESSIONS TO ANGLO PACIFIC, LONDON’S LEADING SHIPPERS EXCESS BAGGAGE > Free supply of tea cartons and bubble > Free delivery/collection within M25 > By sea/air/road worldwide > Money Back Guarantee HOUSEHOLD REMOVALS > Free home survey, no obligation > Packed by skilled professionals > Shared or exclusive containers > Motor car/bike specialist shippers TAX REBATES > Average refund £963 secured last year > Online Tax Pack, only 10% commission MONEY TRANSFERS > Competitive exchange rates FINANCIAL PROTECTION > Bonded by the British Association of Removers > Bonded by the Association of Tax Agents > FIDI Accredited International Mover

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FREEPHONE 0800 151 3511 Anglo Pacific International Plc, 5/9 Willen Field Road, Park Royal, London, NW10 7BQ Email: baggage@anglopacific.co.uk Hours: Mon-Fri 8.30am - 6.00pm Sat 9am-1pm

TNT_1523_edit.indd 7

2/11/12 14:46:25

‘Cold isn’t it?’ Not the response to Sam Simmons’s latest show

S

Laughing London The capital’s upcoming season of brand-new, kick-ass live comedy is all set to blow away the winter blues WORDS ALASDAIR MORTON “My new show About The Weather deals with the lack of communication between people and our disassociation thanks to technology,” says Aussie comic Sam Simmons of the latest journey into the surreal depths of his mind. “Sounds funny, hey?” You bet.

Simmons’s new show – likely the most gleefully silly brand of talking about the weather you’ll see – is just one of a wealth of stonking new comedy shows hitting London this autumn and winter to keep your spirits up and your sides splitting.

There’s everything from big arena shows to small and intimate club gigs, with performances from up-andcoming new talents to established stars from the TV. Ross Noble’s new self-described feast of sonic waffling randomness is Mindblender (appropriate). Sure-tooffend (but not in a racist way) Frankie Boyle has an eagerly awaited new show, too. As does young South African Trevor Noah with The Racist.

Some deadset legends of the standup stage are coming out of temporary hiatuses, including alt-comedy icon Alexei Sayle and deadpan funnyman 8

Alan Davies, who both return from decade-plus absences with new solo performances.

There is a cornucopia of Aussie stars to be found, too. One-time angry young man Brendon Burns unleashes his Edinburgh-wowing new show Home Stretch Baby, about his graceful-ish ascent (or should that be descent?) into middle-aged maturity with plenty of foul-mouthed observations.

Perth-born Judith Lucy brings her modest new work Nothing Fancy to town for a two-week Soho run that will show why she is one of the most hilarious and talented laugh machines out there, albeit one many over here are criminally still yet to discover.

Kiwi Sam Wills, aka mute comedian The Boy With Tape On His Face, proves that you don’t have to be witty with words to keep the audience in the palm of your hands – his mime, prop and audience-involving physical comedy is certain to see his already rocketing star status soar even higher.

But back to that Adelaide-born absurdist and meteorology. “The initial idea [for the show] is always the finale,” Simmons says. “And then

I write the show backwards. Last year, in Meanwhile, it was smashing taco shells into my naked torso. This year it’s Chinese ‘waving-hello’ cats and constructing something unexpected from an IKEA coffee table. I like surprises at the end.“ So what is all this flat-packed action in aid of? “I guess the theme is breaking out of that IKEA world,” Simmons decides, offering some logic to his show’s outlandishness.

Simmons’s greatest asset is freedom to jump genres and fearlessness.

“I can do what I want,” he says.

“I sometimes fail but I’m getting better at what I do. I still don’t know what it is yet, I’m not at peak, and that’s really fun. I’ve finally accepted I’m not a stand-up but a satirical clown who lives in a weird corner of the comedy world.

I like being combative and arty and just being a bit of a freak!”

Bring on the freak show...

M

MORE NEW COMEDY SHOWS ›› Sam Simmons About The Weather. Dec 3Jan 5. £10+. Soho Theatre W1D 3NE Oxford Circus sohotheatre.com

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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Smoothie: inside Ross Noble’s Mindblender

Modest: Judith Lucy’s new show, Nothing Much

Speechless: Kiwi Sam Wills doesn’t need words

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ROSS NOBLE: MINDBLENDER HAMMERSMITH When you lose all of your belongings – Noble’s were destroyed in the bushfires in Victoria in 2009 – it can be difficult: “What if you need to peel a potato?” This was among the surrealist shit-talker’s ruminations on what for others would have been a traumatic event. He’s back in town for three free-wheeling nights of flights of fancy, that may or may not end up with plates of meat attached to your head, Cunningham Lindsey or people being bummed in the face, as Noble fans will know.

MARCUS BRIGSTOCKE: THE BRIG SOCIETY SOUTH LONDON

£25

Nov 29-Dec 1, 8pm W6 9QH Hammersmith hammersmithapollo.com

The broadcaster, comedian and actor lays waste to the allencompassing, meannothing banner of the ‘Big Society’ that PM David Cameron and his cronies want us to nurture, as we go about our business hugging hoodies left, right and centre. Topical, satirical, thought-provoking and very, very funny indeed. £15

FRANKIE BOYLE: THE LAST DAYS OF SODOM HAMMERSMITH £25 The erstwhile Glaswegian comedian has had a tempestuous couple of years: being chastised for his comments on Rebecca Adlington’s appearance, quitting stand-up in 2010, getting his knuckles rapped for quipping about Paralympians and then winning a libel court case last month against the Daily Mirror, which labelled him racist.

Now he’s back on stage with a new show, and it is definitely not going to be for the fainthearted. You have been warned.

Nov 8-11, 7pm W6 9QH Hammersmith

Nov 23 & Dec 12, 8pm Blackheath Halls, SE3 9RQ & Fairfield Halls, CR9 1DG Blackheath & East Croydon marcusbrigstocke.com

hammersmithapollo.com

JOSIE LONG: ROMANCE AND ADVENTURE SOHO

DANIEL SIMONSEN: CHAMPIONS SOHO A cracking effort on Russell Howard’s Good News shot this Norwegian on the path to fame, with his unique, quiet and confidence-deprived point of view offering a wholly different take on stand-up, and the world. £10+

TREVOR NOAH: THE RACIST SOHO Noah’s been on the stand-up scene for all of five years, but he has already become one of the most talked about young acts on the circuit. Quickly outgrowing his native SA comedy circle, he wowed at the Fringe and now makes his London debut. With his sharpness of wit and astute commentary, he’s a star in the making – trust us.

£12.50 Long’s sixth solo show is about growing up, climbing up a mountain and pretending to be Godzilla. If you don’t like the sound of that, Long says, use the show’s hour duration “constructively, for your own thoughts”. Quite.

Nov 6-10, 8pm W1D 3NE Oxford Circus sohotheatre.com

£10+

Dec 5-Jan 12, 7.30pm W1D 3NE Oxford Circus sohotheatre.com

10

DOCTOR BROWN: BEFRDFGTH SOHO

Jan 29-Feb 2, 7.15pm W1D 3NE Oxford Circus sohotheatre.com

GREG DAVIES: BACK OF MY MUM’S HEAD HAMMERSMITH When he’s not berating The Inbetweeners boys as Mr Gilbert, Davies also tours excellent stand-up shows like this (the last was called Firing Cheeseballs At A Dog). Expect mental silliness. £20

The physical comedian and Foster’s Best Comedy Show Award-winner 2012 brings his madcap clown show to town. Actual genius. £12+

Oct 30-Nov 10, 9.30pm & Mar 25-Apr 20, 7.30pm W1D 3NE Oxford Circus sohotheatre.com

Nov 17-27, 7pm W6 9QH Hammersmith hammersmithapollo.net

FRANCESCA MARTINEZ: WHAT THE FUCK IS NORMAL? LEICESTER SQUARE Martinez, who describes her cerebral palsy as “wobbly”, tackles prejudice, ignorance and people’s misguided attempts at political correctness in her quest to illustrate just how bizarre society’s notion of normal is.

An essential, intelligent, challenging and, above all, highly moving show. £15

Dec 2, 7.30pm 6 Leicester Place, WC2H 7BX Leicester Square leicestersquaretheatre.com

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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ALAN DAVIES: LIFE IS PAIN SOUTH & EAST LONDON The halfwit to Stephen Fry’s genius in TV’s QI, Alan Davies proves himself anything but in this new show, his first stand-up turn in more than a decade. Childhood, ageing and the cruder aspects of life all come under scrutiny in this depressingly titled new show from this most perceptive and deceptive of performers.

ALEXEI SAYLE SOHO

£25

Nov 4 & 12, 7.30pm & 8pm Richmond Theatre, TW9 1QJ; Hackney Empire, E1 1EJ Richmond; Hackney Central atgtickets.com; hackneyempire.co.uk

MARK LITTLE: THE BULLSHIT ARTIST EUSTON Back with a new show, which he tested earlier this year in London before taking it up to the Fringe, Mark Little (Joe Mangel from Neighbours to a generation of Aussie soap aficionados) returns to the stand-up stage to reflect on the younger generation, why intellect became taboo, and to generally illustrate where and how the world could be pointed back in a better direction. It’ll be warm, humorous, intelligent and full of his easy-going charm. £16

Nov 10, 8pm WC1H 0AH

Euston Square

Write about what you know, that’s the advice, right? The geekish, snappy-chattering Watson took this to heart when someone stole his identity and, swiftly, relieved him of all of his money, too.

He draws on this rather inconvenient and slightly frightening episode for his new show, which considers the information age and our identity, and how the two affect one another. There are also funny stories, anecdotes and his whimsical way with words, of course.

Photos: Getty; Andrew McColl; ShotgunPictures

£15

BRENDON BURNS: HOME STRETCH BABY SOHO

JUDITH LUCY: NOTHING FANCY SOHO

The former rock ‘n’ roll comic embraces the advent of middle age.

The Aussie comedian with 20 years of writing, performing and making people laugh themselves to death, returns to London with Nothing Fancy, which is, as the name suggests, unabashed, pure, straightforward onewoman-and-a-mic stand-up.

Nov 28-29, 7.30pm 6 Leicester Place, WC2H 7BX Leicester Square leicestersquaretheatre.com

Nov 12-17, 9.30pm W1D 3NE Oxford Circus sohotheatre.com

JO BRAND SOUTH LONDON The fiery feminist of the Nineties has mellowed somewhat in recent years, embracing motherhood and family life, but her razor-sharp wit has blunted none. She appears at this 15x15 spoken word series (five speakers, 15mins each) at The Tabernacle in Notting Hill on Nov 19 and then does a full gig in Kingston on Nov 24. £12+

Nov 17 & 24, 6.15pm & 7.30pm W11 2AY; KT1 1HL Kingston Ladbroke Grove tabernaclew11.com; rosetheatrekingston.org

Jan 21-Feb 9 (not Jan 27 & 28, Feb 3 & 4), 7.30pm W1D 3NE Oxford Circus sohotheatre.com

thebloomsbury.com

£10+

MARK WATSON: THE INFORMATION LEICESTER SQUARE

The Marxist scouser who spearheaded the alt-comedy scene in the Eighties (and fought with The Young Ones compatriot Ben Elton remorselessly) returns to stand-up after 16 years. He eased back into it with a series of low key Presents... type shows at the start of this year, and has been out on the road of late testing new material around the country for this London stint. All hail the return of the king! £15+

£10+

Nov 19-Dec 1, 9pm W1D 3NE Oxford Circus sohotheatre.com

THE BOY WITH TAPE ON HIS FACE COVENT GARDEN Kiwi Sam Wills brings his hit mime and prop show to the London stage for a threeweek run – the loudest jokes are not always the best. £20

Dec 18-Jan 5, 7.30pm Duchess Theatre, WC2B 5LA Covent Garden nimaxtheatres.com

CHRIS TUCKER HAMMERSMITH The man who, along with Jackie Chan, made Rush Hour an unexpected movieland hit, returned to the stand-up stage from which he began his career last year and continues his world tour at the Apollo. As anyone who saw his grating turn in Luc Besson’s The Fifth Element sci-fi turkey can testify, Tucker has a shouty, loud and totally unavoidable presence, which he will no doubt thrust in the face of the restrained and reserved British audience. Michael McIntyre this is not. £39

Nov 24 & 25, 7pm W6 9QH Hammersmith hammersmithapollo.net

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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MYLONDON

SHANAY HOLMES SINGER & ACTRESS – THE BODYGUARD What baffles me about London is the Olympic lanes. I never got my head around that one.

London’s best-kept secret is Ronnie Scott’s Jazz Club [in Soho]. When I was in Thriller Live, the cast would go there for the open mic night, Ruby Sings.

When I want to chill out I go to Hyde Park, which I Iove. You can just forget you’re in London and relax.

The most interesting person I’ve met was Stevie Wonder, who I met briefly at Ronnie Scott’s once. He is a legend.

My favourite place for a drink is either high tea at Grosvenor House hotel or Mahiki in Mayfair for champagne treasure chests, depending on my mood.

For when you’re hungover in London you can’t go past Balans in Soho.

Where else in London can you get breakfast at 4am?

What gets me up in the morning is my Pomeranian barking, usually! And my goal to be a successful recording artist. And the alarm after the snooze button. I’m not a morning person, which I blame on late-night performances and studio sessions.

My perfect weekend is just spending some time with my family relaxing.

I can’t remember the last time I had a weekend off.

The last naughty thing I did was at rehearsals for The Bodyguard. My friend brought in some cupcakes and I’d already had two but when they asked who hadn’t had one yet, I put my hand up.

My biggest faux pas was when I was sat next to an actor at a party who I thought was in one of my favourite shows. After rambling on for ages about how amazing he was, he politely pointed out that he was a well-known actor, but not the one I thought he was. Full cringe!

Five words that sum up London ... Cultural, timeless, musical, chaotic and home. shanayholmes.com thebodyguardmusical.com WC2R 0NS. Nov 6-Apr 27. £20+ Charing Cross 12

Adelphi Theatre,

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

1523 FINAL My London.indd 12

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LONDONDRINKS

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ANISE

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[Caption] And relax: Anise is soothing

BAR THE SCENE This bar adjoining high-end Indian eatery Cinnamon Kitchen has been relaunched as a destination in its own right, no doubt in the hopes of becoming a go-to spot for City workers to rack up a huge bill on post-work cocktails (it’s just two minutes’ walk from Liverpool Street station). As such, the space is genuinely relaxing, perfect for unwinding after a tough day: the low, purple lighting and unintrusive piano music might not be particularly trendy, and only just manages ‘mock-sophisticated’, but it’s soothing without straying too far into spa territory.

THE GRUB Indian twists on uniform bar snacks: think Punjabi fish fingers. We plump for the fiery chicken wings (gloriously fried and accented with sprinkles of fennel) and chicken tikka nanza – essentially a pizza, but with a naan bread base and sweet red pepper sauce slathered on top. Prices range between £4-8.

BEHIND THE BAR Cocktails come with hints of the subcontinent – we lap up the Calcutta cuppa, a blend of gin, Assam tea, fresh lemon and mango chutney, and the almond and pistachio sour, mixed from bourbon, amaretto, fresh lemon, pistachio and egg white. Both are sweet without bordering on cloying. Beers include Cobra, Tiger, Meantime London Lager and Meantime London Stout.

BILL PLEASE Cocktails from £7.50; beers from £3.75; wine from £3.80 per glass.

VERDICT Duck in for a quiet catch-up and experiment with the drinks list. LC

9 Devonshire Square, EC2M 4YL

3 OF THE BEST COMEDY & FOOD

cinnamon-kitchen.com/anise

Liverpool Street

THE TOMMYFIELD

HIDEAWAY

HIGHLIGHT CLUB

This Kennington gastropub cooks up simple British fare (steaks and pies are staples of the menu, mains from £10.50) and hosts a comedy show every fortnight for just £5 on the door. Next event on November 15.

Streatham jazz club Hideaway holds weekly comedy nights on Fridays and Sundays with up-andcoming acts. There’s also an international menu with mains from £12.95. Advance show tickets cost £10-12.

Catch top comedians at this Camden venue, which also offers table service so you can grab your grub without getting targeted by the stand-up on stage. Pizzas, curries and burgers from £7, show tickets from £17.

thetommyfield.com/comedy

hideawaylive.co.uk

thehighlight.co.uk

Mouth watering food and crisp service in the heart of London.

Idealy situated, close to most of popular bars and clubs, for pre or after theatre dinners or business lunches.

Three dining rooms with their own bar available for private parties.

Enjoy your Christmas parties here, Bookings now being taken.

advert

14

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44 Firth Street, Soho London, W1D 4SB

We are tmas s n Chri open o xing day! and Bo

Tube-Tottenham Ct Road

134 Cromwell Road, Kensington, SW7 4HA

Tel.020 743 78261 Tel.020 737 07617 Tube-Gloucester Road

For more information visit:

www.delhibrasserie.com

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BITE SIZE

Escape: pretend you’re in a place sunny and rummy

GROOM AND GRUB It’s officially Movember, which means gents all over London are feverishly growing lip-warmers in aid of prostate and testicular cancer charities. And there’s extra help in store courtesy of concept restaurant The Factory House, which has stocked its lavatories with moustache wax and combs to keep charitable blokes looking dapper. There’s also a new cocktail, The Rudyard Kipling – himself a man of luxuriant upper-lip bush – and £1 from each of these cognac, sparkling wine and bitters blends bought will go towards Movember. If that wasn’t enough, you’ll even get a moustacheshaped biscuit with any hot beverage, and male front-of-house staff will be standing hairy of face in solidarity. thefactoryhouse.co.uk

SAMPLE SNACKS Free food! Free food! We’re not even lying. Chiswell Street Dining Rooms in the City is celebrating its new bar menu by offering free samples of top-notch tucker from 8pm every weeknight until November 16. Brandnew morsels include soft shell crab with smoked chilli salt and Serrano ham with Manchego cheese. Plus, there are some tempting-sounding new cocktails – make ours a fig martini. chiswellstreetdining.com

‘Autumn Cornflakes’

Photos: Carl Warner

EDIBLE ART Date for the diary: The Experimental Food Society Spectacular serves up two days of gourmet art in Canary Wharf on November 16-17. Check out the quirky works of butter sculptors, food magicians and cake artists for a mere £5 entrance fee. Tasty.

COCO BAMBOO BRAZILIAN & CARIBBEAN THE SCENE Coming into this cosy, tropical-hued restaurant from blustery Chalk Farm Road is an instantly warming experience. The walls are painted in lime green and shocking orange, and the first thing you see is a giant bar, well-stocked with cachaça, rum, fresh fruit and everything else you might need for an exotic cocktail.

We’re here for a leisurely Sunday afternoon lunch, and while about half the tables are full and there’s plenty of atmosphere, this restaurant definitely seems like more of an evening joint.

THE GRUB All the Caribbean staples are on the menu here, such as jerk chicken and curried goat, along with Brazilian faves including feijoada, a pork and black bean stew. We begin with saltfish and ackee (Jamaica’s national dish), delicately presented with arty drizzles of balsamic vinegar and baby tomatoes. It’s a small portion but bursting with flavour. Two stonking main courses arrive next: my date gets stuck into juicy cuts of beef, pork and chicken that make up the mixed barbecue, while I’ve got a Brazilian fish moqueca, a light fish stew with soft tilapia cooked in a creamy coconut and sweet red pepper sauce – I clean my plate. Dessert is equally lip-smacking – chocolate and brazil nut terrine comes with a kicking spicy chocolate ice cream. The banana cheesecake, which the waitress tells us she can’t get enough of, definitely lives up to the hype. It’s smothered in caramel sauce and desiccated coconut, with a layer of gooey banana over the biscuit base. Delish.

Naturally, rum punches, batidas and caipirinhas are the order of the day here. Try the ultra summery mango and coconut batida, which comes with cachaça, coconut cream and maraschino liquor.

BILL PLEASE Starters from £4.90; mains from £10.95; desserts from £4.50; wine from £4.10; cocktails from £6.80; happy hour is Mon-Fri between 5pm-8pm.

VERDICT Seriously satisfying grub and engaging, upbeat staff make this a great place to pretend you’re on holiday somewhere warm and exotic. HELEN ELFER BEHIND THE BAR

wegotickets.com/efs 48 Chalk Farm Road, NW1 8AJ

cocobamboo.co.uk

Chalk Farm

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LETTER OF THE WEEK

Best comeback ever?

Text TNT and your message to

81707*

IF The world is a whole FOUR TRILLION POUNDS in debt, WHICH PLANET IS going to knock on our door with a baseball bat?

Jez Why are hurricanes named after girls? Because they ruin everything

BJ I heard raising kids is the hardest thing in the world. That’s why i don’t have a job and always use a condom

Aaron People ARE saying crazy things about Freddie StarR – he’s no comedian

Lachie To show my girl how much I was into her, I took her out for dinner to Pizza Express – and didn’t even use vouchers

Marty If Mark Clattenburg made racist comments, Chelsea must make him captain

Steve Jimmy Savile, Gary Glitter - if you can’t control paedophilic desires, THEN go into showbiZ, APPARENTLY

Kezza On being pc – if enough people piss themselves laughing, who gives a shit

Andie If David Blaine wants a real challenge he should try sitting through a whole X Factor episode with my shit flatmates

Sherry

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HANGOVER SHAM Re: Hangover patches (tntmagazine.com): There are dozens of these socalled ‘miracle cures’ available and they all describe the way they would work in vague and fuzzy lingo. Apart from it being cheating, it probably doesn’t work anyway.

Lennard Ramone, via Facebook

DONATION DUD Re: Tsunami millions wasted (tntmagazine.com): Typical of any government to waste money where there is no long-term gains.

They always look for the short-term, which actually does more damage to economies. Weird how we vote for them, huh!

Peter Evaroa, via Google+

THE PRICE OF SEX Re: Virgins for sale (tntmagazine.com): I would happily lose it for this sort of money. Although, considering how awkward

I was for my first time, she would be very disappointed with my first time.

Clint Heine, via Facebook See what other crazy stuff is sold online on P50 – Ed

PUB QUIZ MASTER I read an article the other day about a man who earns his living by rinsing out pub quiz machines. How in god’s name does one man go about acquiring an encyclopedic knowledge of Coronation Street actors from the 1970s or the date David Beckham first kicked a football without first losing a tremendous amount of time and money getting the same questions wrong? If that man has a significant other, I’m sure things got a lot worse before they got better. “Just off to work love”, what a jammy git.

Thomas Weavin, via email CRAZY MALLS /70 PERFECT POLYNESIA /80

Jimi wins a three-day tour of Scotland with Haggis Adventures haggisadventures.com

YOUR TWEETS Tweet us @tntmagazine @BarryBarmcake My favourite part about Halloween is seeing all the confused Jehovah’s Witnesses wandering around, wondering why they’ve been given sweets. @ChrisHibble Dance like nobody’s watching, but dance BRILLIANTLY, just in case somebody actually is watching. And judging you.

For being a shit dancer.

YOUR FACEBOOK Follow us on facebook/tntmagazine

Bluffer’s: Re: Lucasfilm sold to Disney, new Star Wars on the way: Monstrous move from Lucas.

Kate Roberts: Re: Five crocs on NT News front page: As a devotee of TNT when I lived in the UK and an employee of the NT News, this has made my day.

Clint Heine: Re: Tsunami millions wasted: People who gave money are sick about where our money went. It was not meant to do this.

Will be hesitant in future to give.

Photo: Getty

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EMAIL YOUR THOUGHTS TO LETTERS@TNTMAGAZINE.COM

Re: Arsenal’s historic 7-5 comeback over Reading (tntmagazine.com): My mates argue that because there were so many goals scored the quality of this game was shit, but I think they’re the ones who are full of it. Unless you’re some sort of purist wanker, 12 goals in a game is awesome, especially when seven of them were scored by a team that was 4-0 down. And a side note, the NFL at Wembley was the greatest day of all time!

Tom Brady is the messiah.

Jimi P, via email

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Email us at marketing@ tntmagazine.com with ‘Spotted’ in the subject line. Email must include a photo of yourself!

You’ve won a 13-week UK subscription to TNT Magazine!

SPOTTED AT TNT’S HALLOWEEN PARTY The William Blake, Old Street Saturday, October 27 Photos by: Llewellyn Cass/TNT More pics and tag yourself at facebook/tntmagazine

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LONDONSOUND

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If Donald Trump was an emo…

ALASDAIR MORTON FOR THE RECORD Who would have thought that it would be cheese-rocker Jon Bon Jovi leading the charge for cheaper concert tickets for fans? Back in the Nineties, then grunge titans Pearl Jam launched a crusade against Ticketmaster over what the band said was outrageous pricing, pushing gigs out of the reach of many fans. They showed the way but, much to Pearl Jam’s surprise, no one followed their lead. Then, announcing plans for their 2013 Because We Can Tour of the UK last week, New Jersey-born rock cowboys Bon Jovi insisted on cheap tickets, starting at £12.50 for their arena shows, so all their fans can attend.

We’re in a middle of a recession, they said, stating that rock ‘n’ roll should be a music for the people. It’s a shame no one told grandad rockers The Rolling Stones, who are charging an eye-watering £95 minimum fee for their ‘Here we go again till the next time’ shows next month, or whatever they’re called.

VANS WARPED TOUR Alexandra Palace, N22 7AY NOV 10 | DOORS AT 1PM | £40

The Vans Warped tour hits the UK for the first time in 14 years, and with it all kinds of low-slung, tight-fitting jeans, emo-rock guitars and skateboard action.

The US touring show that brings bands and boards together in a moody-cool melting pot of skate and six-string action kicked off in the mid-Nineties, with the likes of Bad Religion, NOFX and My Chemical Romance gracing its stages across the world since. Now it hits London with four stages and 20 bands, including those eliciting punk-rock carnage, new acts and blasts from the past. The centrepiece of the skating action will be the UK Vert Skateboarding Championships.

Lostprophets headline this year – perennially uncool, with the shiniest, most cared-for hairstyles this side of David Guetta, the Pontypidd, Wales, five-piece have endured despite their naysayers. They’re easy to mock, yet it’s easier to sing along to their catchy as fuck choruses, especially from their latest album, Weapons.

Spread across the stages are the likes of synth-rocking superstar Awolnation, LA all-girl rockers Cherri Bomb, with punk jokesters Bowling For Soup also banging on about the girl all the bad guys apparently want. Welsh emo-core act Funeral For A Friend will be on hand to show they’re one of the UK’S finest alt-rock exports of the past decade, while ska-punk stalwarts Less Than Jake are still going strong after 20 years touring the world in shorts and dreadlocks, showing the kids how it should be done. There are plenty of new acts for the youngsters, but just as many bands for those who remember skate-punk from their younger years, too.

Wood Green

20

alexandrapalace.com

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NEW BAND

2:54 GIG WED, NOV 7. 8PM £9

Sisters Colette and Hannah Thurlow started the year well with a spot on NME’s ‘bands to break in 2012’ list. They continued in fine style, securing plaudits aplenty for their self-titled grunge-shoegaze debut at the start of the summer, and have just finished a run of support slots for The XX. Now, it’s headline time.

Photos: Getty, Annelie Rosencrantz

XOYO 32-37 Cowper Street, EC2A 4AP Liverpool Street xoyo.co.uk

GIGAMESH

DJ YODA

CLUB

CLUB

SAT, NOV 10. 10PM-5AM £8+

SAT, NOV 10. 8PM-2AM £19.50+

Three times multi-platinum-selling producer and DJ Gigamesh, known for his funk-disco-pop compositions, makes his UK debut at this south London venue courtesy of Dance London Dance.

The Minneapolis man on the Kitsune USA label outpost, will be joined by Psychemagik, Mighty Mouse, Magnier and Turin Luck.

The madcap master of party anthem mashups plays his only set this season in North London.

The man with the daft name, yet utterly aweinspiring audio-visual shows, will be rocking The Forum with a cinema-sized screen at the back of the stage, and has AV mixologists A Boy Called George, DJ Cheeba and more in support.

Lightbox 6a South Lambeth Place, SW8 1SP Vauxhall lightboxlondon.net

The Forum 9-17 Highgate Road, NW5 1JY Kentish Town soundcrashmusic.com

GOTYE

LIFE AND DEATH SHOWCASE

M83

GIG

CLUB

GIG

NOV 12 & 13. 7PM £26.50

SAT, NOV 10. 10PM-7AM £10+

WED, NOV 8. 7PM £22.50

Wally De Backer had been plugging away making hip-hop/ electronic indie compositions under his Gotye moniker since 2001, and had two albums to his credit already before LP three, Making Mirrors and its Kimbra-featuring Somebody That I Used To Know, went global. He’s now a megastar and playing the Apollo… twice.

The pop and house label Life and Death was Resident Advisor’s label of the month in August, after DJs around the world made it one of their imprints of choice. The label’s first London showcase features three of their leading lights – Tale Of Us (above), Clockwork and DJ Tennis – as well as 3D visuals and a live AV set, too.

The facts are thus: Anthony Gonzalez’s electrorock single Midnight City was last year’s standout song and added bombast to his previous shoegaze stylings. Accompanying album Hurry Up, We’re Dreaming was a ponderous double LP that needed reigning in. The live show takes the latter approach but makes it work, emphatically.

Hammersmith Apollo 45 Queen Caroline Street, W6 9QH Hammersmith hammmersmithapollo.net

Secret East London location TBC residentadvisor.net

Brixton Academy 211 Stockwell Road, SW9 9SL Brixton o2academybrixton.co.uk

BÉLA TAKES CHASE THE BUZZ SO FAR Béla’s lead single on forthcoming EP, Rough Luxe, starts off with the sort of piano refrain that makes you think it’s going for The Fray territory, but then a driving beat, indie guitars, an electronic backdrop and her swooning vocals send it somewhere between indie melancholia, trance euphoria and pop’s immediate sugar rush. It’s a chart smash in the making, and the performer from Victoria, Australia, is destined for some serious chart success.

THE CRITICS SAY “Looks, talent and ambition” drunkenwerewolf.com THE PLUG Rough Luxe is out on November 5. She plays Water Rats on Nov 30. 7pm. £6 WC1X 8BZ King’s X belatakeschase.com

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CLUBLISTINGS

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MONDAY 5 Absolute By Aquila DJs play R‘n’B, house, hip-hop, dubstep and mainstream across two rooms. Proud Camden, The Horse Hospital, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AH (020 7482 3867).

7.30pm-1.30am. £5 guestlist.

I Love Pacha Presents Vegas Baby Bam Bam and James McLaughlin spin electro, house and dance in the Main Room, while Abstract Sounds plays experimental and progressive pop in the Global Room. Pacha, Terminus Place, SW1V 1JR (0845 371 4489). 11pm-late. £12.

BOOK NOW!

The Loft: Makin Moves Residents Jamesey and Matt L-S spin house and soul, plus a live performance from Shea Soul. The Bedroom Bar, Rivington St, EC2A 3AY (020 7739 5706).

10pm-3am. £10, adv £8.

Between The Buttons DJ Magnetic Paul provides soul and 1950s to 1970s rock ‘n’ roll. The Barfly, Camden, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AN (0844 847 2424). 7.30pm-late. Free.

Frenchkiss Resident DJs spin soul, reggae, R‘n’B, hip-hop, funky house and dance. Storm, Leicester Sq, WC2H 7LE (020 7839 2633).

10.30pm-2am. Free guestlist.

Headlines Hip-hop and urban anthems courtesy of DJs Dean E G and Paffy. The Penthouse, Leicester Sq, WC2H 7NA (07760 488119). 10pm-3am. £10, £5.

Ska Lavin Presents Resident DJs spin ska, rocksteady, R‘n’B and reggae from the 1950s to the 1970s. The Lockside Lounge, West Yard Dock, NW1 8AF (020 7284 0007). 7pm-midnight. Free.

Trinity Fireworks Fabio Luigi, Jamie Hammond, Alan K, David Robson and Zach Burns spin house and electro trance. Heaven, Charing Cross Arches, Villiers St, WC2N 6NG (020 7930 2020). 11pm-5.30am. £8, £5 before 2am, £4 before 1am.

TUESDAY 6 Juicy Resident DJs spin hip-hop, classic R‘n’B and bashment. Proud Camden, The Horse Hospital, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AH (020 7482 3867).

7.30pm-1.30am. £3, £1 before 10pm.

On It Old skool, hip-hop, R‘n’B, garage and bass music courtesy of Ryan Paul. The Barfly, Camden, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AN (0844 847 2424). 7.30pm-late. Free.

Paradox Tuesdays In-house DJs provide a mix of house and techno. Egg, York Way, N7 9AX (020 7871 7111). 11pm-6am. £15, £12 before 1am, adv/NUS/mems £8.

Smash Lab Vii DJ Lucy Railton spins experimental classical electronic, folk, house, garage and R‘n’B. The Book Club, Leonard St, EC2A 4RH (020 7684 8618).

7.30pm-11.30pm. £7, adv £5.

Smart Tuesday DJs Colin Francis and Max Denham spin house, R‘n’B, bashment, old skool and commercial. Funky Buddha, Berkeley St, W1J 8DY (020 7495 2596).

10pm-late. Ladies free before 11pm.

Songs Of praise DJ Paddy Garcia plays soul, pop, hip-hop and disco. Catch, Kingsland Rd, E2 8DA (020 7729 6097). 9pm-midnight. Free.

Tuesday Night Inn Resident DJs spin folk and soul music, plus ping pong, table football and computer games. The Queen Of Hoxton, Curtain Rd, EC2A 3JX (020 7422 0958). 5pm-midnight. Free.

U.S. Presidential Election Party Resident DJs spin rock ‘n’ roll and R‘n’B across two floors. The Lexington, Pentonville Rd, N1 9JB (020 7837 5371). 11pm-4am. Free.

22

SUPERNOVA MEETS 100% PURE Egg. Nov 17. £10+ The last Supernova dance of 2012 teams up with Amsterdam’s techno/house label 100% Pure, with a moustache party thrown in, too, for Movember.

N7 9AX

King’s Cross

egglondon.net

WEDNESDAY 7

THURSDAY 8

The Double Gone Chapel Andrew Weatherall spins electro, post punk, post rock, techno and Balearic, plus live performances from Beth Orton, Pete Molinari and Johnny Trunk. The House Of St Barnabas In Soho, Greek St, W1D 4NQ (020 7437 1894). 7.30pm-late £20.

Cut Your Hair DJs play indie and rock, plus a live performance from Kult Country. The Waiting Room, Stoke Newington High St, N16 0LH (020 7241 5511). 8pm-2am. £3 & £4.

Eruption 2 Resident DJs play hip-hop and rap, with live performances from Dannie Cize, Macximos Imperial, Mikel Ameen, Naomi Keysha, Shevvy, Short Empire and Chineseburn, plus comedy and poetry. Jamm, Brixton Rd, SW9 6LH (020 7346 8920/ cc 020 7274 5537). 7pm-2am. £7.

Illuminations Brooklynbased producer Daniel MartinMcCormick aka Ital melds house and techno accompanied by visual artist Aurora Halal, with support from Dam Mantle, Patten and Sam Willis. Corsica Studios, Elephant Rd, SE17 1LB (020 7703 4760). 8pmmidnight. Adv £10, earlybird £8.

Nubient Downtempo, soul and chilled beats courtesy of Mixmaster Morris. The Big Chill Bar, Drury Walk, E1 6QL (020 7392 9180). 7pm-midnight. Free.

Sleaze Mat Fraser and Trixie Malicious host a night of burlesque, comedy and music with support from resident DJs playing pop, disco and dance. The Lockside Lounge, West Yard Dock, NW1 8AF (020 7284 0007). 9pm-late. £3.

Smile Resident DJs play funky house, club classics and pop. Thirst, Greek St, W1D 3DR (020 7437 1977).

5pm-3am. £4, £3 before midnight.

Stampede DJ Laurence Rene spins pop-punk, alternative, rock and ska, with hosts Oli Sandler and Matt Boland. Escape Bar, Brewer St, W1F 0SU (020 7734 3040).

9pm-3am. £5, £3 before 1am, £1 before 11am, free before 10pm.

Wordplay Magazine DJs Leaf Dog, The Natural Curriculum and Konny Kon spin hip-hop and rap records, plus a live performance from Lord Finesse. Cargo, Rivington St, EC2A 3AY (020 7739 3440).

7.30pm-late. Adv £10.

Deviation Session #56 Martyn and resident DJ Benji B spin hip-hop, dubstep and electro, plus MC Judah. Concrete, Shoreditch High St, E1 6JJ (020 7729 1888). 9pm-2am. £7.

Flomotion DJ Nick Luscombe spins deep techno and house music.

The Big Chill Bar, Drury Walk, E1 6QL (020 7392 9180). 8pm-1am. Free.

Livenation Presents Hooded Fang, Eliza And The Bear and Must spin garage and rock. The Lexington, Pentonville Rd, N1 9JB (020 7837 5371).

8pm-4am. Adv £8.50, free after 11pm.

Ma Dukes Presents DJs Guilty Simpson, Frank Nitt and Phat Kat spin deep R‘n’B, Detroit inspired hip-hop and neo-soul for the launch of J Dalla’s posthumous album Rebirth Of Detroit. The Jazz Cafe, Parkway, NW1 7PG (020 7485 6834/ cc 0870 060 3777). 7pm-late. £15.

Screen Social Residents and guests spin indie, electro and dance. The Book Club, Leonard St, EC2A 4RH (020 7684 8618). 7pm-1am. £3, adv £2.

Soundcrash Presents DJ Vadim and Jukebox Champions spin electronica and hip-hop.

Hoxton Square Bar And Kitchen, Hoxton Sq, N1 6NU (020 7613 0709).

8pm. £12.50, adv £9.50.

Underdog Kris Harris and DJ Valente spin house in the main room, while Hidden.Outside.The. Box play indie, dance, and nu-disco in the Global Room. Pacha, Terminus Place, SW1V 1JR (0845 371 4489).

10pm-late. £7, adv £5.

FRIDAY 9 C Panel Residents DJs Balofo, Nomic, LeoB and Foundry spin drum ‘n’ bass, grime and techno, plus special guests Baobinga, Daffadam, Medlam, The Manor and Polkam Medika. Plan B, Brixton Rd, SW9 7AY (020 7737 7372).

10pm-6am. £5 before 11pm.

Loud Noise DMZ record label founder Loefah is flanked by Lil Silva, Mickey Pearce, Eliphino, Guy Andrews, Tessela, Jack Swift and a special guest for dubstep, house and grime. Cable, Bermondsey St, SE1 2EG (020 7403 7730). 10pm6am. £15, adv £12, earlybird £8.

Micachu, Last Japan The DJs spin pop, punk and garage with Bradley Zero Philip, plus live performances from Tropics, Born Blonde and Hunting Party.

The Nest, Stoke Newington Rd, N16 7XJ (020 7354 9993). 9pm-4am. £7.

The Nextmen The duo spins hiphop, house, disco and jungle in the basement, while residents Spin Doctor, Mr Thing and Chris P Cust spin hip-hop, plus MC Prankster. East Village, Great Eastern St, EC2A 3HX (020 7739 5173).

10pm-3.30am. £10, adv £7.

Oonst Adam Port, Atts, Oli D.A.B, Ollie Rigg and Robin spin house, techno and drum ‘n’ bass.

The Basing House, Kingsland Rd, E2 8AA (020 7688 0339). 10pm4am. £10, adv £7, early bird £5.

Resident DJ Party Funky house and dance courtesy of the residents.

Gigalum, Cavendish Parade, Clapham Common South Side, SW4 9DW (020 8772 0303). 7pm-late. Free.

Skreamizm Skream, Sgt Pokes, Goldie, Krystal Klear, Route 94 and Hijak spin electro, drum ‘n’ bass and jungle. Electric Brixton, Town Hall Parade, Brixton Hill, SW2 1RJ (020 7274 2290). 10pm-6am. Adv £20.

Strum Presents DJs Gentleman George, Digital Farm Animals, Will Mace and BlakLamb spin electro, reggae, punk, garage, house, techno, drum ‘n’ bass and dubstep.

The Bedroom Bar, Rivington St, EC2A 3AY (020 7739 5706). 9pm-3am. £6.

Tittle Tattle DJs Tomoki Tamura, Alex Font, Kris Hovel and Brenno spin house and electro. Cargo, Rivington St, EC2A 3AY (020 7739 3440). 6pm-late. £10.

SATURDAY 10.

Benny Benassi The Italian DJ plays electro and house. Electric Brixton, Town Hall Parade, Brixton Hill, SW2 1RJ (020 7274 2290). 10pm-6am. £15-£20.

Carter USM: Official Aftershow Party DJs play indie, plus live sets from Clinton USM and Whitestar. Jamm, Brixton Rd, SW9 6LH (020 7346 8920/ cc 020 7274 5537). 11pm-4am. £10.

CS Party DJs Gladiator and Pete Cosby provide house and electro.

229 The Venue, Great Portland St, W1W 5PW (020 7323 7229).

7.30pm-3am. £20, adv £15.

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Defected In The House Sandy Rivera, Copyright, Simon Dunmore, Pirupa, Sam Divine, Soho Gyms, Joy Oke and Sam Bylett spin house, dance and electro. The Ministry Of Sound, Gaunt St, SE1 6DP (0870 060 0010). 11pm-7am. £18.

Entice’s 5th Birthday Fonti And Bushkin, Mike ‘Ruff Cut’ Lloyd, Pied Piper, Martin Jackson, Paul-Michael and Bertie Morse spin old skool garage, while DJ Pioneer, Steve Feelgood, Move The House and Replae mix house.

The Whitehouse, Clapham Park Rd, SW4 7EH (020 7498 3388). 9pm5am. £12.50 & £15, free before 11pm.

Heroes Joel Mull, Darius Syrossian and Punchfunk spin dance, house and techno. Egg, York Way, N7 9AX (020 7871 7111). 10pm11am. £15, w/loyalty card/NUS £13, Mellophonik DJs spin house and dance. Gigalum, Cavendish Parade, Clapham Common South Side, SW4 9DW (020 8772 0303). 7pm-late. Free.

A Night With... Sasha The Welsh DJ and producer plays a marathon eight-hour set charting his love affair with house and progressive house. Loft Studios, Scrubs Ln, NW10 6QW. 10pm-6am. £15, adv £12, see www.residentadvisor.net for details.

The Playground Turns Five House, electro and garage courtesy of Sebastian, Surkin, Girlunit, Hackman, Haezer, Trumpdisco, The C90s, Figures, Lost Boys and Synthetics, plus a live set from Unicorn Kid. Koko, Camden High St, NW1 7JE (0870 432 5527). 9pm-4am. £12-£15.

Reggae Roast David Rodigan, Shepdog, Adam Prescott, Reggae Roast, Alpha Steppa, Ramon Judah, Daddy Nature and Clapper Priest play reggae, dub and bass music across two rooms. Plan B, Brixton Rd, SW9 7AY (020 7737 7372).

9pm-5am. £12, adv £10, early bird £8.

SUNDAY 11 Free Your Soul DJs spin old skool, disco, jazz, soul, house and Latin. Madame Jojo’s, Brewer St, W1F 0SE (020 7734 3040).

10pm-2.30am. £5, £3 before 11pm.

Horse Meat Disco Residents Jim Stanton, Luke Howard, James Hillard and Severino supply disco and house on rotation.

Eagle, Kennington Ln, SE11 5QY (020 7793 0903). 8pm-3am. £6.

Hula Boogie Miss Aloha and the Reverend Boogie spin 1930s, 1940s and 1950s classics. South London Pacific, Kennington Rd, SE11 4LD (020 7820 9189). 7pm-1am. £7.

Kevin Clash Presents Playground’s Afterparty Beast Guest DJs spin electro and house. The Purple Turtle, Crowndale Rd, NW1 1TN (020 7383 4976). 3am-9am. £5.

Licked Resident DJs spin house.

Gigalum, Cavendish Parade, Clapham Common South Side, SW4 9DW (020 8772 0303). 7pm-late. Free.

Sandwiches DJ IQ, The Last Skeptik, Chris P Cuts and Rags spin hip-hop, soul and funk. The Lock Tavern, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AJ (020 7482 7163). 3pm-11pm. Free.

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MONDAY 5

SATURDAY 10

Alt-J Experimental electro-rock and indie-pop, with touches of trip hop, by the four-piece from Leeds.

Electric Ballroom, Camden High St, NW1 8QP (020 7485 9006). £12.

Athlete Electro-tinged indiepop from the London-based band. The Albany, Douglas Way, SE8 4AG (020 8692 4446). £21.

DJ Yoda Turntablist and producer Duncan Beiny performs an audio visual show of live hip-hop and cartoony style music using samples to promote his album Chop Suey. HMV Forum, Highgate Rd, NW5 1JY (020 7428 4099). £19.50-£22.50.

Ben Caplan The singer-songwriter performs folk and Americana from the album In the Time Of The Great Remembering. O2 Academy Islington, Parkfield St, N1 0PS (020 7288 4400/ cc 0844 477 2000). £7.50.

Godspeed You! Black Emperor Canadian instrumental postrock and experimental rock band. HMV Forum, Highgate Rd, NW5 1JY (020 7428 4099). £20.

Spector, Splashh, Swim Deep, Luls The London-based band plays indie-pop and rock in support of its debut album Enjoy It While It Lasts. O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8TT (020 8354 3300/ cc 0844 477 2000). £12.50.

Nightwish, Pain The seminal Finnish rock band plays heavy metal and death core. O2 Academy Brixton, Stockwell Rd, SW9 9SL (0844 477 2000). £20.

Warped Tour Alt rock, metal and punk showcase featuring Lostprophets, Bring Me The Horizon, Bowling For Soup, New Found Glory, Less Than Jake, Architects, Man Overboard, 3OH!3 and many more. Alexandra Palace, Alexandra Palace Way, N22 7AY (0844 249 1000). £40, disabled £20.

Spiritualized Jason Pierce leads his outfit in creating epic, experimental soundscapes rooted in psychedelic pop and space rock. Roundhouse, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8EH (0844 482 8008). £23.50.

Julia Stone The Australian singer-songwriter plays folk and blues to promote the album

By The Horns. The Scala, Pentonville Rd, N1 9NL (020 7833 2022/ cc 0844 477 1000). £17.50.

Patrick Watson Alt pop from the Montreal-based singer-songwriter.

Village Underground, Holywell Ln, EC2A 3PQ (020 7422 7505). £14.

TUESDAY 6 Melanie C, Molly McQueen, 5 4 3 2 1 The singer-songwriter, actress and Spice Girl performs pop and poprock to promote her album Stages.

O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8TT (020 8354 3300/ cc 0844 477 2000). £17.50.

The Civil Wars, The Lumineers Americana, country and folk by the Nashville-based duo of singersongwriters Joy Williams and John Paul White. Roundhouse, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8EH (0844 482 8008). £19.50.

Lawson The four-piece with members from Liverpool, Brighton, Nottingham and Chesterfield plays light and catchy pop-rock and indie-pop. Koko, Camden High St, NW1 7JE (0870 432 5527). £13.

Amy MacDonald The singersongwriter plays pop-rock and folk-rock in support of her album Life In A Beautiful Light.

Southbank Centre, Belvedere Rd, SE1 8XX (020 7960 4200/ cc 0844 875 0073). £22.50-£35.

Seal The platinum selling, London-born singer performs soul, R‘n’B and pop in support of the album Soul 2. HMV Apollo, Queen Caroline St, W6 9QH (0843 221 0100). £35-£55.

WEDNESDAY 7

THURSDAY 8 And So I Watch You From Afar The three-piece formed in Belfast plays a frantic combination of experimental hard rock and postrock in support of the album Gangs.

The Garage, Highbury Corner, N5 1RD (0870 060 3777/cc 0844 847 1678). £11.

Bellowhead Folk veterans Jon Boden and John Spiers lead an 11piece band for folk dances played on various instruments including bouzoukis, banjos, flugelhorn and wind-up toys. Roundhouse, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8EH (0844 482 8008). £22.50.

Bon Iver, The Staves The Grammy Award-winning American band performs indie-folk from the album Bon Iver, Bon Iver. Wembley Arena, Arena Sq, Engineers Way, HA9 0DH (0870 060 0870). £27.50.

Yasmin Levy, Tanja Tzarovska The flamenco singer performs Latin dance, and soulful music from Turkey, Cuba and South America. Barbican Centre, Silk St, EC2Y 8DS (020 7638 8891/ cc 020 7638 8891). £15.50-£24.

Marina Celeste, Berenice Scott The singer-songwriter, who has sung with the lounge band Nouvelle Vague, performs French pop and new wave in support of her album New Waves. Surya, Pentonville Rd, N1 9JL (020 7713 6262). Adv £9.

Maximo Park Guitar-driven alternative rock and indie from the North East-based post-punk revival five-piece to promote the album The National Health. O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8TT (020 8354 3300/ cc 0844 477 2000). Adv £17.50.

Ben Kweller, Tom Williams And The Boat The American singer-songwriter and multiinstrumentalist plays indie, folk-rock and country from his album Go Fly A Kite. Electric Ballroom, Camden High St, NW1 8QP (020 7485 9006). £13.50.

Huey Morgan & The New Yorkers The Fun Lovin’ Criminals frontman from New York City performs althip-hop, funk and rock with his new backing band. Bush Hall, Uxbridge Rd, W12 7LJ (020 8222 6955). £16.50.

M83 Electronica and pop by French musician Anthony Gonzalez and colleagues. O2 Academy Brixton, Stockwell Rd, SW9 9SL (0844 477 2000). £22.50.

Sadie And The Hotheads, Rosie Meek The London-based outfit, fronted by actress and singer Elizabeth McGovern, performs a light and laid back blend of indie and folk. The Troubadour, Old Brompton Rd, SW5 9JA (020 7370 1434). £6.

Ringo Deathstarr, The Fauns, Dead Wolf Club The three-piece from Austin, Texas, plays lo-fi alternative rock and shoegaze.

Dingwalls, Camden Lock, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AB (020 7428 0010/ cc 020 7428 5929). Adv £8.

Jack Savoretti Lively and laid back folk-pop by the Londonbased singer-songwriter and multi-instrumentalist to promote his third album Before The Storm. The Scala, Pentonville Rd, N1 9NL (020 7833 2022/ cc 0844 477 1000). Adv £12.

Ty Segall The indie-rock singersongwriter and multiinstrumentalist from California performs with his backing band to promote the album Twins. The Garage, Highbury Corner, N5 1RD (0870 060 3777/cc 0844 847 1678). £10.

Martha Tilston The Brightonborn singer-songwriter and daughter of veteran performer Steve Tilston plays folk to promote her album Machines Of Love And Grace. Bush Hall, Uxbridge Rd, W12 7LJ (020 8222 6955). £14, concs £12.

Twin Atlantic, Charlie Simpson, Dead Sara Alternative rock and progressive rock with elements of power-pop from the Glasgowbased four-piece. O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8TT (020 8354 3300/ cc 0844 477 2000). £15.

FRIDAY 9 Darkstar The London-based three-piece plays synth-led electro-pop and electro rock.

Electrowerkz, Torrens St, EC1V 1NQ (020 7837 6419). £8.50.

Evanescence, The Used, LostAlone Rock and alt metal from singer Amy Lee and her chart-topping American band, best known for the song Bring Me To Life.

Wembley Arena, Arena Sq, Engineers Way, HA9 0DH (0870 060 0870). £30.

Honey Ryder, Feelix Upbeat pop-rock and folk-indie, with touches of country, by the London-based three-piece in support of the album Marley’s Chains. O2 Academy Islington, Parkfield St, N1 0PS (020 7288 4400/ cc 0844 477 2000). £9.50.

Lambchop Alt country and soul by the long-established and pioneering band from Nashville.

Cadogan Hall, Sloane Terrace, SW1X 9DQ (020 7730 4500). £23.50.

Imelda May, Patti Austin, Juliet Roberts Commercial rockabilly and vintage ballads from the platinum-selling Dubliner.

Barbican Centre, Silk St, EC2Y 8DS (020 7638 8891) £15-£35.

The Proposition, The Small Hands, Sunday Waits, Jana & Rollo Spreckley, Jack Harris The Norwich-based three-piece plays jaunty Americana folk and alt country to promote its debut album King Snake, Devil Shake.

The Troubadour, Old Brompton Rd, SW5 9JA (020 7370 1434). £7.

Soundgarden The reformed line-up of Chris Cornell’s alternative metal and rock band, that was part of the Seattle grunge scene, promotes the album King Animal alongside hits such as Black Hole Sun. O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8TT (020 8354 3300/ cc 0844 477 2000). £39.50.

Zappa Plays Zappa American guitarist and singer Dweezil Zappa pays tribute to the life and work of his father Frank, known for his experiment rock songs including Joe’s Garage, Black Page and Absolutely Free.

Roundhouse, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8EH (0844 482 8008). £31.50-£36.50.

SUNDAY 11 Billy Talent The Toronto-based four-piece plays alternative rock, punk-rock and post-hardcore to promote its album Dead Silence.

Roundhouse, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8EH (0844 482 8008). £18.50.

David Cassidy, Leo Sayer, Hot Chocolate, Smokie Pop and soul from the veteran American singer and actor, known for the hits How Can I Be Sure and Daydreamer.

Wembley Arena, Arena Sq, Engineers Way, HA9 0DH (0870 060 0870). £41.50.

Sivert Hoyem The Norwegian singer-songwriter best known as the lead vocalist of the alt rock band Madrugada, performs folk and Americana influenced rock to promote his album Long Slow Distance. Bush Hall, Uxbridge Rd, W12 7LJ (020 8222 6955). £13.50.

Brian May And Kerry Ellis The Queen-guitarist performs with the West End actress, playing rock remixes of her debut album, Anthems. Union Chapel, Compton Terrace, N1 2UN (020 7226 1686). Adv £39.50.

Emeli Sande The award-winning Aberdeenshire-born, Londonbased singer-songwriter performs contemporary soul and R‘n’B in support of her album Our Version Of Events. Royal Albert Hall, Kensington Gore, SW7 2AP (0845 401 5045). £22.50-£37.50.

The Staves Folk-rock from the London-based sister threepiece to promote the album Dead & Born & Grown. Rough Trade East, Brick Ln, E1 6QL (020 7792 3490). Phone for prices.

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Huey Morgan Fun Lovin’ Criminals frontman on his first solo album, relocating to London and why Obama’s his man INTERVIEW ALASDAIR MORTON

How did your first solo album Say It To My Face come about?

I was putting this Tommy Pace project together [Morgan’s novel about a fictional soldier] and writing songs for it, but they weren’t coming from him. So I started working with the guys [from The Tangiers Blues Band] and it started taking shape. I did a gig at The Slaughtered Lamb, and met Simon Drake from Naim Edge Records, who suggested putting a record together. And it went from there.

Player: Say it to his face, but not online

You’ve described it as being “about grown ups for other grown ups” – is this you acting your age?

It’s not so much acting my age but using my life experiences. It’s not for older people but for grown ups – you can be 15 and be a grown up.

It’s like the people who listen to my [radio] show, they like different kinds of music like most people.

The Fun Lovin’ Criminals were a mix of all your influences, is this the same?

When we came to the UK I don’t know what we were called – rap, hip-hop, rock, whatever. We took all the sensibilities we grew up with and made something unique. This is very different, though. Before it was a lot of MCing, now I sing. There were a lot of late nights in the studio trying to get the gravelly Tom Waits sound.

Where did the name come from?

In my neighbourhood, if you said something about someone you better say it to their face, because they’re going to find out and if they don’t like it, you are going to have to deal with the consequences. And today we can go online and say things that are not complimentary, which I have learned my lesson on.

Do you mean the Twitter comments you made about Lauren Laverne?

Yeah, my ‘online problems’ made me realise you have to watch what you say as you can hurt people’s feelings and make an ass out of yourself. And I did both!

You’re donating all your money from the record to military charities, too...

It’s about what happens when these people come back – they need help and the government turns their back. It’s the same on both sides of

the Atlantic so I am donating it to the Wounded Warrior Project and Help For Heroes.

And then I found my home at the BBC, which helped me fall in love with music again.

Should the government do more?

[Returned soldiers] aren’t a priority for them right now. There are a lot of things that occupy the media’s mind. In the US they wouldn’t allow you to see coffins coming back, which makes you feel no one is dying. Right now there’s a firefight somewhere which civilians can’t understand.

Why did you fall out of love with music?

It felt like an obligation rather than what I was put on earth to do. But then I’d see the fire in the eyes of up-and-coming musicians – I’d have to be deaf, dumb and blind not to be motivated by it.

What are your hopes for this week’s presidential election? Meat Loaf came out for Mitt Romney…

First of all, his name is Meat Loaf, mine is Huey, there is a big difference. I do support Obama, he’s done an amazing job being handed a pile of shit four years ago. He’s the first president in my generation that cares about the people.

Why did you move to London?

I’ve always thought life is a series of adventures.

I’d been living in New York with my wife for a while when she said, “You’re not doing much creatively here, just sitting around collecting cheques, so, why not try London?”

And it worked out alright...

Fast [FLC’s bass and keys] had been here for five years at that point and our drummer Frank is British, too, so it brought the band back together.

Has the music business improved since you started out?

I remember talking to some guy at EMI 15 years ago about Napster and downloading, maybe offering an exclusive download. They laughed like I was mad. We had an eight-record deal when we first signed, but now you get a single deal and if it doesn’t chart you’re dropped.

Who’s been your musical hero?

The Clash by The Clash was a big record for me.

I have a pic of Joe Strummer on my wall in my man-cave. Joe was a friend. He’d say, “You’re a real operator Huey,” and I liked that. Those guys caught lightning in a bottle. They were one of the greatest bands ever. They made me want to make music!

Huey and the New Yorkers’ Say It To My Face is out now. They play Bush Hall, Nov 7, £16.50 W12 7LJ Shepherd’s Bush hueyandthenewyorkers.com

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Ben Affleck’s movie about a fake film sure beats Gigli

ARGO FILM review by Alasdair Morton STARRING: Ben Affleck, Bryan Cranston, Alan Arkin, John Goodman | 15 | 120mins

GRASSROOTS FILM STARRING: Jason Biggs, Joel Moore, Cobie Smulders | 15 | 98mins

With the US election poised for this Tuesday, along comes this based-on-atrue-story political comedy. Jason Biggs (American Pie) is a journalist who loses his job and gets caught up helping his mate, Joel Moore (Avatar), run for city office with surprising results. It’s not as gross-out as The Campaign or as deeply satirical as In The Loop, but sits somewhere between the two.

On general release from Nov 9

28

Ben Affleck was a movie star, the kind who appeared in the gossip rags, was engaged to J-Lo and made what has gone down as one of the worst movies of all time, Gigli. Recently he’s reinvented himself as a filmmaker, and his latest, Argo, ensures he has hit home runs with all three of his directorial outings.

It’s based on the real life tale – declassified by President Clinton in 1997 – of the CIA’s plan to bring home six Americans hiding out in Iranian capital Tehran during a 1979 hostage crisis at the city’s US embassy. How did they do it? Diplomacy? By sending in the Delta Force? Or by masquerading as a Canadian film crew scouting locations for a Star Wars knock-off? Truth is stranger than fiction.

Opening with a quick recap of Middle Eastern international relations, Affleck drops us straight in to a pulsating sequence in which the US embassy is overrun, with genuine archive footage used to sterling effect. He manages the suspense as various clock-is-ticking mechanisms ratchet up the tension (a scouting trip through the Grand Bazaar in particular), and slides in plenty of gags about Hollywood – “You can teach a rhesus monkey to direct,” Goodman’s makeup man tells Affleck’s CIA agent as he meets with movie producers to concoct their fake film cover.

Affleck juggles the opposing genres (comedy, drama, thriller) well and the performances are top notch (Scoot McNairy, as one of the six Americans, is one to watch) in a tale celebrating individual heroism. It plays a little loose with the facts, but as a taut caper with heart, it wholly succeeds.

GOOD FOR: An old-fashioned thriller that’s driven by narrative rather than spectacle.

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GIVE US A

WATERLOO COMEDY CLUB: SARAH PASCOE

GIGGLE!

COMEDY

Comedian, actor and all-round superstar Sarah Pascoe (right) headlines this evening of laughs.

Sony Award-winner Max Dickins and Fringe fave Tiffany Stevenson are the supports. All of the money raised will go to the ePap Children’s Feeding Project in South Africa, which delivers daily meals to 45,000 township residents.

Ha ha!

The Horse Bar SE1 7XG. Nov 10. £15 Waterloo waterloocomedyclub.com

MUGHAL INDIA: ART, CULTURE AND EMPIRE

55 DAYS

EXHIBITION

THEATRE

This new exhibition about the Mughal Empire – the 16th- to 19th-century subcontinent imperial power – features more than 200 paintings and other artefacts, illustrating the Mughals’ art, culture and power. The stories behind the scenes show today’s politicians have got nothing on their corrupt and libido-led forebears.

Howard Brenton’s fact-based play – about when, in 1648, the divine right of kings came under question and the ruling monarch, Charles I (Mark Gatiss), found himself on trial for high treason – takes a while to hit its stride. But Gatiss, with a Scottish-tinged accent and disdainful demeanour, commands the stage with an isolated superiority.

British Library 96 Euston Road, NW1 2DB. Nov 9-Apr 2. £10 King’s Cross bl.uk

Hampstead Theatre Eton Avenue, NW3 3EU. Until Nov 24. £22+ Swiss Cottage hampsteadtheatre.com

JONNY FLUFFYPUNK What’s the show about? I’ll be telling stories, poetry stories, some true, some made-up… lies, you could call them. And some people will be playing music to accompany this. I will attempt to explain to the people playing music how they should be doing it, despite being musically incompetent and tone deaf myself.

Photos: Warner Bros Entertainment Inc; John Haynes

You’re a stand-up poet, give-up guitarist and nihilist – what’s more prominent? I’ll be standing up and doing poetry, so that’s most prominent to the naked eye. Giving up being a guitarist is one thing I’ve achieved successfully, and nihilism permeates my work while being invisible and intangible, like the sense of unease in a country church.

THE SAPPHIRES

THE RIVER

FILM

THEATRE

The five-star comedy about a group of Aboriginal singers in the Sixties that has taken the world by storm finally takes its UK theatrical bow, and it’s a winner not to miss. Chris O’Dowd is the groggy band manager, with Jessica Mauboy as one of the sisters who go from small-town singers to entertaining the troops in Vietnam. Laugh out loud funny and heart-warming, too.

Jez Butterworth’s Jerusalem follow-up, starring Dominic West, is a poetic and intimate chamber piece about a man at a remote wood cabin who persuades his girlfriend to go night fishing with him, upon which past secrets resurface in unexpected ways. It is beautifully acted, the characters fascinating and the story gripping. LK

On general release from Nov 7

Royal Court Theatre SW1W 8AS. Until Nov 17. £10+ Sloane Square royalcourttheatre.com

What fuels your nihilism? Young people openly admitting they vote Conservative, the bicycle policies on trains and ice in cider.

What would you change about yourself if you could? The deep, all-pervading sense of worthlessness that compels me to stand up on stage for the low-grade love of strangers. And my hair is wrong.

Tongue Fu Rich Mix, E1 6LA. Nov 8. £7.

8pm Shoreditch High St richmix.org.uk

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Comedy Sale: the only show of its kind in the world 30

[Caption]

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Laughs don’t come for free Stand-up Sanderson Jones hand-sells his show tickets to punters, then digs up dirt on them for the big night. Be very afraid...

WORDS ALASDAIR MORTON

Stand-up comedian Sanderson Jones’s Comedy Sale project is, quite simply, unlike any other comedy show you will have been to, and for two reasons.

Firstly, don’t expect to sit peacefully at one of his shows as a passive observer to be entertained. You very well may become an integral part of the show, presented up there on the big screen for all the audience to see.

And secondly, tickets for his shows are only sold in person, either as Jones walks the streets of London or through prearranged meetups set up through his website – Comedy Sale is the world’s first and only hand-sold comedy show.

“I used to do my own flyering,” Jones tells us ahead of his latest stint in London taking his project to the people.

“When I did that I would do my own shows and I’d have met lots of people in the crowd. Then one year in Edinburgh [2010] I thought it would be even better if I knew everyone, it would be a wonderful atmosphere. So I went the whole hog and only let in people who’d bought tickets from me.”

This thought then took a turn for the personal.

“So then I thought: ‘If I knew everyone in the audience, then I can also research them online and incorporate them into the show so it is as much about the audience as it is about me’.” Basically, if you’ve not been on top of your Facebook privacy settings or have a particularly exhibitionist Twitter feed, then Jones is going to have discovered this, and soon the rest of the audience with whom you are sharing a room will, too.

“I only do it so it is fun,” Jones insists, only partially reassuringly. “You could do it and be quite cruel but it’s like when you’re hanging out with a mate and you take the mickey out them. It comes from a nice place.”

Involving the audience in a show that is mostly about them is a risky business, no? All manner of awkward moments could arise – people who thought the idea of laughing at someone else’s expense was hilarious could take on a whole different point of view when it is their secrets being shared with a room full of strangers. Despite the inherent dangers, Jones says this shock-and-awe approach to stand-up comedy has only really gone wrong once, and even then it was entirely accidental.

“When you do something funny with a picture of someone in Photoshop, a lot of people ask you to send it to them. They really like it. But one time it did backfire. I have a

bit of stand-up about the time I sucked a man’s willy. I didn’t really, but I thought it would be a funny story. When this guy bought a ticket once he said: ‘I liked that bit you did about sucking a guy’s wang.’ He was a music journo and said he’d been to a festival once and met Rufus Wainwright and joked that he liked him so much that he ended up going down on

“

I liked the bit about sucking a guy’s wang

”

him. I told this story during the show and a friend of mine in the audience said that the guy was there with his girlfriend, who spent the whole show asking him whether it was true or not. He denied it, saying I had made it up. But I think you should take pride in giving pleasure to Rufus!”

Jones began beating a path around the streets of London ››

Have you seen this man?

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Comedy Sale Down Under: From 80seater venues to the Opera House

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reveal 750 people – it was the first time I have seen someone masturbating in a puzzled fashion!”

Chat roulette has since become a regular feature in the show, although Jones admits he has had to click away before someone else’s climax upstages his show’s own.

It would be easy to envisage Jones as a cruel ringmaster, someone who takes pleasure in the discomfort of others, but the truth, of both man and show, is nothing of the sort. Despite teasing for the sake of comedic titillation, the atmosphere at his gigs is one of unity, where audience and performer are one in many respects.

There are regular parties and get togethers for the named and shamed, and you can even arrange to meet Jones for a game of beer pong to collect your ticket, as others have done. Even reviewers, who’ve occasionally felt the sharp end of his comedy focus, seem forgiving and won over; he has cajoled some into a ‘Critics Obstacle Course’, in which journos are put through their paces, made to jump through hoops – literally – and then face Jones in a custard pie fight.

“One reviewer had tweeted that his first housemate was a sometime nudist,” Jones says of one particular encounter with a critic. “So to get the best review possible I wanted to make him feel at home, of course, so I got a naked man to sit next to him for the show.”

His latest London Comedy Sale began last week at his new weekly residency in north London’s The Star of Kings pub, and he has lofty ambitions for where it may end up.

“I want to find a more ridiculous place to do this show, the Royal Albert Hall maybe,” he ponders. “I sent them an email last week but I haven’t heard back.

“The Hammersmith Apollo would be a fantastically silly place to do a show, too, for a guy who has no TV presence.

Or I might go the Secret Cinema route and try and find some disused fire station and do one there.”

While he doesn’t know where this latest run will take him, or who and what it will put him in touch with, one thing’s for sure. “It’s become the weirdest job and I didn’t expect that!” Jones laughs. Most of his audiences would probably say exactly the same. ❚ Sanderson Jones’s Comedy Sale. Weekly at The Star of Kings 126 King’s Cross comedysale.com; York Way, King’s Cross, N1 0AX Twitter @sandersonjones; text 0411048656

Photos: Jess Bonham

last year, taking his show to the people, which culminated in a gig at Islington’s Union Chapel in October 2011 – “It was weird, there were 800 people there and previously I’d only done solo shows to 80 people.”

He went one better this year and took Comedy Sale on the road Down Under, taking it to cities around Australia before signing off with a show at none other than the Sydney Opera House, with no venue, phone or online sales – just face-to-face sales alone.

“I rang them up and asked if I could play there, and this woman suggested I play the Concert Hall, which is 2000 people. I thought great, let’s do it. But when I got there it turned out they didn’t want me to play the Concert Hall but [350 capacity] The Studio. It was a great show, though.”

The tour of Australia was not all about the glamour, though, as the prized Opera House destination might suggest. Couchsurfing his way around the country, Jones encountered a hippy in the hills on the outskirts of Adelaide who described himself as a freelance happiness guru. “Does that mean he is an unemployed happy chap?” Jones’s cameraman mused.

He also encountered some “massively homophobic” far-right preachers, too. “I went and had a lot of fun with them,” he recalls. “A friend of mine dressed like the devil and I wore a robe like Jesus. One of them had a crucifix which I tried to get on, saying, ‘don’t worry, I’ve done this before,’ to which one of them asked: ‘Is this the real Jesus?’”

As well as taking the audience as his launch pad for a series of daft sketches and stories, Jones also uses the internet, not just for pre-gig research, but within the show too, especially for the famed chat roulette segment.

“It’s like Skype only you don’t know who you are going to be talking to,” he explains for the uninitiated. “So it is mostly middle aged men with their willies out. For most people that is a problem, but I saw the opportunity for a great joke.

“At a show in Adelaide with 750 people in the audience, I got the camera and zoomed in on one girl who I had asked to be the ‘wank bait’. We put white sheets behind her so it looked like she was sitting at home and I got the audience to be quiet. The first guy we found was wanking, but the girl in the audience got really into it – she dropped her top down, took down one bra strap, then the other, and this guy was going mental. Then we dropped the sheet to TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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GIVE LIFE TO A FAMILY THE CENTRE FOR REPRODUCTIVE AND GENETIC HEALTH The Centre for Reproductive and Genetic Health is one of UK’s top fertility clinics but we need the help of egg donors!

As many as one in seven couples are affected by infertility and may require assistance in starting a family.

In the past 21 years, CRGH has helped to conceive over 4,000 babies. Some of these pregnancies would not have been possible without donated eggs.

If you’re a woman between the ages of 20 and 35, who would like to help a couple in need, then please call Joy Green (Head of Nursing) on

020 7837 2905 The Centre for Reproductive & Genetic Health

info@crgh.co.uk

We will compensate egg donors up to £750 for their time

www.crgh.co.uk TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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SPARETIME

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Master Chief is back in this guaranteed smash franchise outing. £39.99 play.com

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The Boston rockers are back with their 15th studio album, and first in eight years. £8.99 play.com

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Norman’s party floor fillers from his summertime Brighton beach bash. £9.00 amazon.co.uk

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Josh Brolin is the young Tommy Lee Jones as Will Smith goes back in time. £10.99 amazon.co.uk

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App of the Week Atlas by Collins iPhone/ iPad app

Not so much an atlas, as you know the word, but an “evolving data visualisation tool”. All kinds of info and 3D snazziness, too. £4.99 itunesapple.com

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Men’s blue jumper Stylish and warm top ideal for the winter pub season. wesc.com

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SHOPWATCH SOCIAL MEDIA SHOPPERS

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The UK’s first ‘Social Media Shoppers’ will use Pinterest to help you find the perfect threads at The Bentall Centre, KingstonUpon-Thames, from Nov 5.

A team of personal shoppers, led by stylist Chantelle Znideric, will be armed with iPads and their encyclopedic knowledge of the complex. “Anyone wanting fashion or gift advice is welcome to come along and share their Pinterest page with my team,” Znideric says. “We’ll be able to give personal fashion and style tips based on the looks that customers love using on their own [Pinterest page].” Shoppers then go and buy their new look in the mall. If The Bentall Centre doesn’t have the same brands, the personal shoppers will show you how to get the look with what’s available. Seek out a shopper with an iPad opposite the main entrance.

OPEN 10am-5pm COST Free thebentallcentre-shopping.com Wood Street, Kingston-Upon-Thames, KT1 1TP Kingston

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LIFESTYLEHEALTH CLASS OF THE WEEK

ZUMBA SENTAO We all know what zumba is – shaking your body to fitness with the help of some dance moves and good music. However, have you ever done it with chairs? This new Zumba Sentao class partners the aerobic activity with explosive, chair-based choreography, which they say will “strengthen, balance and stabilise your core”. By using the chair, you can take a breather in the middle of a routine (kind of).

During class you’ll perform seated and standing toning exercises such as push-ups, seated tricep dips, squats, lunges and abdominal crunches. It’s a total body workout in the most minimal time possible.

This particular class uses Latin and other international rhythms – with every session you can feel the energy in the air, plus it’s hilarious to be involved in. Classes take place in various locations around London (meaning there’s no excuse to skip one), all you need is a gym kit and a sense of fun. Classes are held at different gyms, with prices starting from £7. Timings differ depending on the class, but check zumba.com to find the most convenient session for you. We like the classes around Caledonian Road (see below).

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Cool fitness The icy months aren’t for rugging up, they’re a chance to get stuck into slippery seasonal sports WORDS JADE BREMNER

We’re stoked it’s winter – there are a bunch of activities you can only do when it’s this nippy. These are the coolest sports to get involved with this season, guaranteed to get you buff even while wearing mittens.

Ice skating WHAT: Pockets of the city turn into beautiful outdoor ice rinks that look straight out of the movies. One of our favourites is between the Canary Wharf skyscrapers. You’ve never seen ‘suits’ being so silly, holding onto the edge, falling over and colliding on the ice.

WHERE & WHEN: 9.45am-10pm, Nov 3-Jan 13.

Canada Square, E14 5AB. £12.50 per hour.

SEE: skatecanarywharf.com

Ski fitness WHAT: Prepare for that big winter trip to the slopes by training at this class. It’s designed to help you work and tone all the areas your body will need, meaning you get further offpiste, are able to ski for longer and probably

most importantly, reduce your chances of getting injured out there.

WHERE & WHEN: 12pm-2pm, weekdays Nov-Feb. Reebok Sports Club Canary Wharf, E14 5ER. £20 per one-day membership.

SEE: reebokclub.co.uk

Ice climbing WHAT: Climb an 8m-high wall of ice hidden behind a secret door in Covent Garden. Here you can get a snippet of what the hardcore mountaineers feel when they’re climbing the planet’s highest frozen peaks. A tough, but exhilarating experience.

WHERE & WHEN: 11.30am-6.30pm, Tues-Fri; 10am-6pm, Sat; 12pm-5pm, Sun. Vertical Chill, WC2E 7HA. £50 per hour, inc. gear.

SEE: vertical-chill.com

Ice walk WHAT: For the lazier ‘sportsman’, you can walk through the elaborate man-made Stalagmite Cave and Ice Castle in Hyde Park’s

Ashmole Estate Community Hall, 43 Roman Way, N7 8XF zumba.com Caledonian Rd

Squat: ski-specific fitness 36

Carving up: make a masterpiece

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WHAT’S NEW

Grace Cole Lip Balm Addictive pineapple and passion fruit £2.00 gracecole.co.uk

Cavernous: climb an 8m ice wall Magical Ice Kingdom. Keep an eye out for ice-carved woodland creatures lurking in this visual treat and grab some Facebook-worthy snaps while you’re at it. Opens 5pm, Nov 23.

WHERE & WHEN: 10am-10pm, Nov 24-Jan 6.

Hyde Park, W1K 7TY. £7.

SEE: hydeparkwinterwonderland.com

Cold water swimming

Photos: Vertical Chill, Reebok Club, Ice Sculpture

WHAT: “It’s cold, it’s bracing, it’s fucking freezing,” says bonkers group The Outdoor Swimming Society, which holds regular cold swims across the country. It’s predicted the water will be between 0.1˚C and 6˚C on the day of their annual December Dip. They say the experience “gets the blood pumping” and “skin tingling”. We say, “Ouch.”

WHERE & WHEN: 11am-1pm, December 8, Parliament Hill Lido, NW5 1QR. Costs £15 per dipper.

SEE: outdoorswimmingsociety.com

NatOrigin Lengthening Mascara For sensitive eyes £13.50 natorigin.co.uk

Ice sculpting WHAT: Carving ice for 90 minutes with picks, chisels and drills is surprisingly sweaty work, but this extravagant activity is brilliant fun and you get to take your creation home with you – so make space in your freezer.

WHERE & WHEN: NEXT WEEK Various times.

Bash and barge: SW17 0BA. £75.

TNT tries out SEE: More info at roller derby icesculpture.co.uk

Cocktail Body & Hand Lotion Looks and smells like booze £8.99 madbeauty.com

TOP TREATMENT: THAI AROMA MASSAGE Walk taller and feel lighter after this invigorating full body massage. Therapist Jit Tobin trained in Thailand and furthered her studies in the UK, and combines methods of the East and West. Using ylang-ylang and sweet almond or grape seed oil, this deep but relaxing tissue massage relieves any tension and knots, and improves circulation. TNT readers get this 60-minute massage at Bijoux MediSpa for the reduced price of £40 (offer valid until November 31).

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Macadamia Natural Oil Heal dry hair with healthy nuts £12.00 macadamiahair.co.uk

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LIFESTYLECAREERS

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MONTHLY SPOTLIGHT on working abroad

Harbour city: the CBD’s on the water

Work, rest and pay Sydney offers higher wages, more jobs, weekends at the beach without having to leave town and the benefits of big city life While European cities are stifled by the economic crisis, with expensive living costs and high unemployment rates, Sydneysiders claim they are living the dream. The NSW capital and Australia’s biggest city with more than four million residents, was voted eighth best in the world in the 2012 Quality of Life Index, but does working there live up to expectations?

Aussies and Brits are choosing the city for its career opportunities in industries such as hospitality, IT, finance, recruitment, education and health care, plus for the high standard of life and the perks that are on offer when they’re not working.

Brit Joanna Nicholls, 31, has lived and worked in marketing in Sydney for six years. “The quality of life is 38

second to none,” Nicholls says, adding that even after all that time she’s “still falling in love with the place”.

With her home overlooking Freshwater on the northern beaches, Nicholls goes for a run along the coastal path every day before or after work, and often goes for a surf in the evening. “I work in the city too, so I feel I get the best of both worlds,” she explains. “The city has a huge focus on the arts and nightlife and is full of variety. There are new bars, nightclubs and restaurants opening all the time.

I’ve certainly never been bored or stuck for entertainment.”

Simon Meyer, managing director of recruitment company PageGroup Australia, says the average annual salary for their qualified candidates

is between AU$90-100K (£58-64k).

PageGroup recruits for industries such as banking, finance, legal, sales, technology and hospitality.

The nation’s minimum wage is about £10 per hour, available to workers in retail and hospitality industries. “This is an area where there are plenty of opportunities for people without qualifications, particularly on a seasonal basis and moving into the Christmas season,” Meyer says.

He doesn’t mince his words: he believes Sydney is the “best city in the world”. From a global perspective, Australia is a bright place to be.

Jane McNeill, the director of international recruiter Hays’ New South Wales branch, agrees. She raves about the city’s work/life balance.

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LIFESTYLECAREERS

A normal weekend of sun and sand; (left) the daily city grind

ON THE JOB ASHLEY WHITE CAREER Hairdresser AGE 27 LIVES Shepherd’s Bush FROM London

Photos: Getty

How did you get into your line of work?

I just fell into it. I did it for work experience in school and loved it, so I stuck with it. I’m sure not many people have found they loved the first career they ever tried.

“It’s Australia’s most TIPS FOR SYDNEY LIVING do their research in multicultural city and • Shoes and flip flops (thongs) are terms of their earning has a society that is not interchangeable, so plan ahead. potential and what open and friendly,” things will cost.”

If you’re going from the beach to she says. “There are the club, flip flops (thongs) may not She adds that the excellent transport and recruitment process cut it with the burly doorman. telecommunications • Work out what you need and pick has become more facilities, plus a great complex than it was a an area to suit. If you want to walk outdoor lifestyle with few years ago. “There to the beach, the inner west is no plenty of options for is no longer any room good. If you need to get into the leisure activities, close for a one-size-fits-all city in under 15 minutes, scratch to the water and Blue CV; you need to tailor it the northern beaches and Bondi Mountains.” Workto show how your skills off the list. Surry Hills and Bondi wise, McNeill reckons best match those that Junction are good starting points. the city offers serious the employer is looking • Be safe. Yes, there is a beachy opportunities for career vibe, but you still need your city for,” she says. “Some development compared wits about you, especially in Kings organisations are using to the UK. She says: keyword filters to Cross and the CBD at night.

“Candidates who work ensure they only review in the UK’s construction, CVs that include the key financial services and legal sectors in skills mentioned in the job description.” particular have become more interested Once you’ve got a permanent job, in Australian vacancies given the you can easily spend the week in the economic conditions in Europe and city centre, sipping away on coffee associated budgetary cuts, which have in bohemian Surry Hills or inner west hindered career growth potential.” villages, then devote weekends to It all sounds fantastic so far, but beaches like Bondi, Coogee or Bronte. what’s the catch? Brits looking to “I miss family and friends in relocate and Aussies looking to return the UK,” Nicholls says. “But home should bear in mind that while I’m pretty certain their salaries may increase in Sydney, I want to live in NEXT WEEK so will their living costs. “The cost of Sydney for good Work/life: Does living can be relatively higher,” McNeill – I’m a more where you live says. “We advise candidates considering relaxed version of affect your career? making the move back to Australia to myself here.”

What do you do day-to-day?

I mostly just cut and style hair, but I also sometimes go to people’s homes to do blow dries and that sort of thing if they’re going somewhere special in the evening.

What’s the best part of your job?

I meet all sorts of people. Everyone, no matter what industry they are in, needs to get their hair cut. Though, while most are lovely, some can be really difficult to work with.

What’s the most challenging part?

Dealing with the difficult people.

People can be very precious and picky about their hair, but are not good at articulating exactly what they want from a haircut.

HOW TO... STAY

MOTIVATED

Dread going into work? Follow our tips and get back on track...

• Feel picked on in the office?

Ask your manager for a meeting to discuss recurring problems with your work. Make a plan together to nip them in the bud.

• Long hours and too much work causes demotivation. Speak up, or forever hold your peace.

• Bored in your job? Arrange a meeting with your boss and suggest more interesting tasks you could take on. Initiative is often rewarded.

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tntjobs.co.uk ORIGIN T: 020 7617 7894 www.origincare.com

JOB OF THE WEEK: Live-In Carers Location: London & South East Salary: £574 per week

Live-in roles typically of 2 weeks on and 1 week off. Free specialist training provided with Origin, a dedicated company established over 10 years.

Our clients are young adults with a spinal injury. We need positive people to help them live independently. Free accommodation, food and refunded travel expenses!

Promotional prospects and higher rates of pay available.

LIVE INNOVATIONS

JOB OF THE WEEK: Junior Advisor Location: Southeast, London Salary: OTE: Up to £350/week

T: 07803 554971 www.liveinnovations.co.uk

John Hardy | 020 7617 7894 | johnhardy@origincare.com

Live Innovations, premier outsourced sales and marketing company. We grow a client’s customer base without compromising on quality.

No Experience? No Worries! If you have been looking for a fun fast paced environment with growth potential, you may be the person we’re looking for. Our portfolio has outgrown us and we need 5 individuals to help us before the holidays!

BE SELECT LTD T: 0203 005 4963 www.beselectrecruit.co.uk

JOB OF THE WEEK: Office Furniture Fitters and Porters Location: London and the UK Salary: Per hour

Be Select is an agency who specialise in providing office furniture fitters and porters to the commercial relocation and furniture industry.

If you are physically fit and able to have a good time, then why not join our team of office furniture fitters and porters. You will have the opportunity to work in some of the most prestigious buildings in London, and travel the UK. Tools and CSCS are an advantage but not a necessity.

Harley Adams | 07803554971 | info@liveinnovations.co.uk

Please send CV and brief cover letter to joinus@beselectrecruit.co.uk

SAFE AND SOUND FIRST AID TRAINING T: 020 8445 8998 www.safeandsound.uk.net Safe and Sound is one of the UK’s leading First Aid training providers

JOB OF THE WEEK: Nurses/Paramedics for First Aid Training Location: London Salary: £30 per hour plus travel expenses Confident, enthusiastic nurses/ paramedics to teach first aid in Greater London.

Flexible hours. £30 ph + travel expenses. Car preferred but not essential.

You need to be 100% reliable, have good communication skills and enjoy teaching.

Particularly interested in A/E, paediatric and cardiac nurses. tina@safeandsound.uk.net | 020 8445 8998

BERKELEY SCOTT LIMITED T: 020 7268 6264 www.berkeley-scott.co.uk We are the UK’s market leaders in Hospitality Recruitment both Temporary and Permanent.

JOB OF THE WEEK: Hospitality Recruitment Consultants Location: Central London Salary: NEG Basic with OTE £35-50K Running your own business you will win clients and provide a commercially viable recruitment solution. Approx 50/50 between sourcing great clients and sourcing great candidates to fulfil their requirements. Tenacity is the key!

Mike Gardner | 020 7268 6264 | mike.gardner@berkeley-scott.co.uk

EARLSCLIFFE T: 01303 253951 www.earlscliffe.co.uk

JOB OF THE WEEK: Residential Pastoral Care and Sports & Cultural Activities Location: Folkestone Salary: £1100 PCM

Earlscliffe is an independent, co-ed sixth form boarding college for international and British students aged 15-19

To support the House Manager in supervising our teenage students in residence and to coordinate and deliver the sports and activities programme, including visits to galleries, events and Paris, London and Bruges. timfish@earlscliffe.co.uk

PINES AND NEEDLES T: 0845 458 2788 www.pinesandneedles.com London’s leading and friendliest Christmas tree company with stores across the capital.

JOB OF THE WEEK: Christmas Tree Sales Team Location: 16 sites across London Salary: £7 per hour plus bonus We’re looking for confident and outgoing people with excellent communication and social skills to help us maintain outstanding customer service. The job involves being outdoors selling Christmas trees so physical fitness and a can-do attitude are required.

Nat Cartwright | 07894 447388 | recruitment@pinesandneedles.com

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A LY

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MULTIMEDIA

Career opportunities TNT is the market-leading magazine, new media and events brand serving UK-based Australian, New Zealand, South African and other international and young communities.

Drive, ambition, professionalism and a desire

TNT publishes a weekly magazine that’s been around for almost 30 years, and has a circulation of 50,000. It has vibrant interactive websites and puts on an impressive range of events from community parties and award celebrations to major exhibitions.

Telesales Executives

We have a number of job opportunities for people with attitudes and ambitions that match our own to join the team and help TNT into 2013 and its next phase of growth.

to succeed and earn rewards are prerequisites for these roles. Applicants will need to have the following:

» Sales and customer service skills » Articulate and able to make a high volume of outbound sales calls

» The drive to meet and exceed individual targets » Have proven organisational and computer skills » A genuine commitment to delivering outstanding customer service

» Experience in travel, recruitment or media

Digital Sales Executives

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» Knowledge of digital sales » Previous experience of working within a media or digital environment

» Proven history in new business development » A natural talent to see beyond the ordinary » Understanding of where online marketing fits in the

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Excellent presentation and communication skills Proven history in new business development Ability to build a rapport quickly with clients A genuine commitment to delivering outstanding customer service

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2/11/12 14:48:03

EARN UP TO: £1,500.00 IN 4 WEEKS !!

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We are Best Parties Ever Ltd and we run spectacular Christmas Parties from the end of November and throughout December in 19 venues across the UK.We promise you a fun environment in which to work, good rates of pay, free accommodation and free meals

Work starts late November and finishes before Christmas Day. To apply, meet up with us between 11.30am – 4pm for an informal interview on one of the following days, bringing with you a valid work visa and passport.

If you are unable to bring these items with you, we will not be able to interview you.

For more info visit www.bestpartiesever.com

Friday, 9th November & Wednesday, 14th November At :The Walkabout Inn, 11 Henrietta Street, Covent Garden London WC2E 8PS

ARE YOU JOB HUNTING? Visit tntjobs.co.uk for more than 7,000 vacant positions in all industries across the UK, Australia and New Zealand.

At tntjobs.co.uk you’ll find out how to land your perfect job, an A-Z list of employers, job alerts, career news and information visa advice, and details of recruiters.

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Solving your recruitment problems!

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CASH-SAVING TIPS GET A FREE PIZZA Xxxxxxxxx Can’t be bothered cooking on Tuesdays? Pizza Hut’s XXXXXXXXX got you sorted with its Xxxxxxxxxxx Two’sday deal. Buy any medium or large pizza XXXXXXXXX on a Tuesday and get the Xxxxxxxxxxx second (read: cheapest) one for free. This deal XXXXXXXXX is valid for collection or Xxxxxxxxxxx delivery, in store or online at pizzahut.co.uk, when XXXXXXXXX you pay full menu price.

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Photo: Getty

EUROPEAN CITY BREAK Need to get out of cold, gloomy London for a few days? How about a sneaky weekend away in Belgium, Spain or Greece?

Save up to 50 per cent on a Euro-break for two with AA Getaways. Travel must be taken in January or February, and be booked before November 13. See aagetaways.co.uk 2 FOR 1 DAYS OUT Buy packs of Tesco’s own brand items in store or at tesco.com marked with the ‘2 for 1’ promotion and get two tickets for the price of one at Merlin Entertainments attractions, which include Alton Towers, Thorpe Park, London Eye, Madame Tussauds, Warwick Castle and Sea Life centres.

LIFESTYLEMONEY

HOW YOU SPEND IT! so many things going on I think you should choose what to pay for wisely. There are a lot of free events and things that are quite cheap.

If you want to eat out, it’s worth checking out deals from sites like Groupon.

KATHERINE CURNOW, 24 JOB Singer FROM Australia LIVES London How do you budget?

I base it on what I need to

buy before my next pay day.

I budget for rent, food and travel. If there’s some left, I buy musical equipment.

Do you have any tips for saving money in London?

Considering that there are

What was your last big blowout?

I recently bought a trip to surprise my boyfriend. It cost £300 and will end up at £400 after four days there.

What non-essential items do you spend money on?

Shoes. I don’t need any more shoes, but I can’t help it – they’re just so nice.

HOW THEY SPEND IT! Golden children J-Lo reportedly spent £1500 on her four-year-old daughter Emme’s outfit for a Chanel show, including a £192 brooch

❚ Mariah Carey is said to have dropped £620k on nurseries in New York and LA for her twins, with pinkorange clouds, cribs, toys and designer furniture.

J-Lo and her little £1500 fashionista

❚ Eonline.com estimates Suri Cruise will get up to £60k a month (£720k a year) in child support from Tom Cruise after his split with Katie Holmes. That’s before her £1.9m designer wardrobe.

❚ Jay-Z and Beyonce were said to have paid £800k to seal off a wing of the hospital where their baby Blue Ivy Carter was born – but the couple denies any such extravagance. ❚ Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s seven kids reportedly cost the A-listers £6.2m a year on food, transport, health care, nannies, security and education.

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LIFESTYLELIVING

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STYLE 90

£7.

Apron A bright, fun buffer for kitchen surprises wayfair.co.uk

Factory chic Converted warehouse living in London

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London Wharf: warehouse conversions by the canal

WORDS JADE BREMNER

Artisani photographic square lanterns Project images with the light of a candle achica.com

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Pockets of our city contain beautiful listed historic warehouses, once functioning factories during the Industrial Revolution.

Not only are these striking buildings still standing, many of them are now übertrendy converted flats. Any dedicated East London hipster would fight to the death to live within such stylish walls.

Warehouse conversions typically come with high ceilings, enough room to swing several felines, and exposed brick walls. Residents tend to be creative types – think artists, architects and graphic designers.

Why live in a warehouse?

Brit-pop stacking cups Colourful and tidy, perfect for a compact kitchen dunelm-mill.com

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£25

I love biscuits and beats from Jimbob art Awesomely original plate designs bouf.com 44

Plain and simple – they’re unique. Converted warehouses offer that ‘wow factor’. Plus, each of these buildings has its own story.

Workers could have been crafting anything from matchsticks to shoes inside these very walls. “They’re typically over 100 years old,” says Poppy Maynerd, lettings manager for Blake Stanley. “They have high ceilings and big windows.” Maynerd believes its this spaciousness, combined with the quirky style, that has made warehouses so desirable. They used to be the cheap option, but recently people with cash have discovered the trendy factor and prices have skyrocketed.

Now they’re pricier than regular flats or apartments of a similar size.

the bills can be much higher. The large living areas cost a lot to heat and their original features are not eco-friendly. “They don’t have the mod-cons most people are used to,” Maynerd admits. “There’s no under-floor heating and sometimes no gas.”

The neighbours “They’re usually young professionals, artists, designers and in the music industry,” says New Zealander Mana Elphick-Moon, who lives in a Hackney warehouse. “They’re looking for something different, not just a normal space.” Elphick-Moon says she had to fight for her warehouse space – “lots of people were interested” – but believes it was worth it for the community vibe on her block. She’s held garage sales and – shock,

Space-out: light-filled and plenty of room

Don’t move in if...

horror – the neighbours actually speak to each other.

You’re on a tight budget. While living in a warehouse is only a tad more expensive than a flat or house-share in rental value,

Facilities Some warehouses are gated communities

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YOUR VIEW HARRIET SINCLAIR FROM: CROUCH HILL

“Warehouses are becoming popular – you get to meet arty people in them. There are also converted warehouses in some interesting areas of London.”

BECS MORICE FROM: STROUD GREEN

in their own right. Some have security, on-site shops, bars, a gym and their own restaurants, such as the Bryant and May match factory, Bow Quarter. Some folks love this convenient living, while it might remind others of university halls. More central warehouses, however, such as London Wharf, will have fewer facilities in the building but are close to amenities.

The connections Busy, smoggy warehouses were deliberately positioned further away from central London and along waterways, but not

necessarily near the Tube. They are often in unusual locations, such as the Royal Victoria Docks and the canals (around Broadway Market, for example), meaning transport links can be few and far between.

The verdict Warehouses are a bit like fashion – impractical but irresistibly cool. Plus, NEXT WEEK when would you What’s it like living normally get to live in White City? in such historically fascinating digs?

“They’re drafty and I assume they would be teeming with spiders.

Though you could probably get a skate ramp in them – that would be quite cool.”

SAM REESE FROM: FOREST GATE

“I love warehouses. I’m a drummer so there’s plenty of space for my kit in them. I’ve been to tonnes of sessions in mates’ warehouses, and always wished I lived there.”

ORLANDO

CROWCROFT FROM: ANGEL

Photos: Blake Stanley

“I’d choose a canal boat over a warehouse any day, but would definitely live in one. The high ceilings and big windows are the ideal setting to pen a book.”

SPLIT-LEVEL ONE-BED £375pw

TWO-BEDROOM FLAT £425pw

ONE-BEDROOM FLAT £375pw

The East Eight Apartments, E8, used to be a Victorian school. The flats here have double-height ceilings, dual aspect sash windows, skylights and exposed brick walls.

This converted warehouse in Cavell St, E1, is airy and cosy at the same time. Transport links in this part of town are decent, with Whitechapel Tube a short walk away.

Near Hackney’s London Fields, this converted warehouse sits on King Edward’s Road, E9, and has original fittings and windows, for a real taste of historic London.

blakestanley.co.uk

blakestanley.co.uk

blakestanley.co.uk

MARIGOLD RUSSELL FROM: WANSTEAD

“I think warehouses are all style and no substance. I would prefer to live in a cosy flat, rather than a warehouse that never gets warm.”

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WORLDVIEW

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Fright night: zombies perform during a world record attempt at the most amount of people dancing to Michael Jackson’s Thriller in Coburg, Melbourne

How Jetstar staff could have looked after being released

JETSTAR PASSENGERS HOLD CREW HOSTAGE CHINA Furious passengers held the crew of a Jetstar flight hostage for more than six hours after the plane was delayed.

The flight, carrying Australian and Chinese nationals, was heading to Beijing from Melbourne when diverted to Shanghai.

Passengers held the crew hostage at Pudong Airport, upset over the delay and concerned Jetstar would not honour their promise to put them up in hotels.

The pilot managed to get some of the crew released, but he stayed to calm the passengers until alternative arrangements for their travel were made.

A Jetstar spokesman said: “Our captain and crew assisted passengers in a calm and professional manner.”

TWEETS OF THE WEEK @RickyGervais Jimmy Savile waxwork I got cheap from Madame Tussaud’s is doing a great job at my front gate keeping the trick or treaters away @LindsayLohan Why is everyone in such a panic about hurricane (I’m calling it Sally)? Think positive and pray for peace @GraceDent No, not doing Movember *moves out of direct sunlight*

NZ ON TRACK FOR 4,444,444 POPULATION NEW ZEALAND New Zealand’s population was set to reach 4,444,444 on Nov 1. Analysts predict the citizen will be born in Auckland and could arrive at 4.44am.

Kim Dunstan, a senior demographer, said: “It’s just a good opportunity when these milestones come about to think about our population and how it’s 46

changing and how it’s likely to change in the future.”

The last recurring number reached was in the Eighties, when the population reached 3,333,333.

It is believed that the figures won’t reach 5,555,555 for dozens of years. And the milestone will be short-lived – with the population reaching 4,444,445 within 15 minutes, as the current growth of NZ’s population is around 100 people a day.

FOUL-MOUTHED BIRD SEEKS NEW HOME UNITED KINGDOM A parrot that turns the air blue with bad language is looking for a new home. Beaky says naughty words such as fuck, arsehole and stupid.

Now the RSPCA is searching for a tolerant new owner to take care of the colourful bird. An RSPCA spokesman said: “Beaky is an intelligent and playful bird who is a good mimic.

“Unfortunately, this talent means that he picked up some rather colourful language from his previous home.”

Beaky is said to enjoy the company of people but has been known to bite at first until he has formed a bond with someone. Sounds like a keeper.

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Hiding: snakes in a bag

THIS WEEK

IN NUMBERS 177

Amount, in pounds, the average drinker pays a year in beer tax in the UK, 10 times more than other European countries

Winnings, in millions of pounds, Greg Merson, 24, scooped after playing 12 hours at the World Series of Poker in the US

SNAKES IN A PARCEL SHUT POST OFFICE

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SOUTH AFRICA It was the last thing clerks at a South African post office expected when they opened a mail bag.

A one-metre-long white python came slithering out from an express parcel, while three smaller reptiles were found inside.

The staff ran for safety as the snake fell on to the floor in the Sabie office, about 300km northeast of Johannesburg. “This was the most traumatic experience ever in the post office,” branch manager Mthobisi Duba said. The snakes were collected by the local parks board. And the receiver of the parcel was charged with the illegal transport of animals.

TOBLERONE TOPS SHONKY AWARDS

Photos: Thinkstock; Getty

AUSTRALIA Toblerone chocolate has been named and shamed with an award for claiming its 400-gram bar serves 16 when there are only 15 segments.

Ticket retailers Ticketek and Ticketmaster and a four-star water-efficient washing machine were also given Shonky awards at the seventh annual event organised by consumer group Choice.

Talking about Toblerone, comedian and MC Julian Morrow joked: “We call on the government to take immediate action.”

Ticketek and Ticketmaster were shamed over the AU$5 fee for buyers to print tickets at home. And the Samsung SW70SP 7kg front loader washing machine was

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5.3

The age men reach the happiest time of their lives, after raising family and climbing the career ladder, says a US survey

Cost, in pounds, a threebedroom semi-detached house in a dodgy area of Middlesbrough was sold for at auction

14,000

Shonky: the Samsung SW70SP awarded for using a shocking 224 litres of water for a 3.5kg load of washing.

NEW ZOO FOR GIRAFFE IS A TALL ORDER

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

AUSTRALIA What is it with Aussies shifting animals around? Last week we told you about the sharks, this week it’s giraffes.

Ten-year-old Tanzi endured an 18-hour road trip, travelling from Melbourne to Mogo Zoo in New South Wales.

The long-necked animal was happily ensconced in a tall crate with a great view of passing trees and traffic.

She is leaving her parents behind but will be reunited with her little sister, Shani.

Zookeepers have spent the last two months preparing Tanzi for her journey, familiarising her with the crate.

“It’s a massive job,” zoo spokesman John Warriner said. “As you can imagine, a big shipment like this takes a lot longer to do. We have to stop regularly so she’s in good health and we’re looking after the welfare of her all the time.”

As a performer it’s go-go-gogo-go then stop. And stay indoors and do nothing and almost have a minidepression Kylie Minogue sets the record straight on what life is like as a world-famous pop star

2/11/12 12:12:29

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TNT puts the world to rights

OURVIEW

COMMENT: ALASDAIR MORTON alasdair.morton@tntmagazine.com

Best get in the bubble!

The dangers of excessive hugging – give us a break ‘Political correctness gone mad’, they claim, and rightly so

When is the obsession with health and safety/political correctness going to stop?

Last week a 12-year-old girl from Western Australia, Amber Ablett, was handed a detention for giving her friend a hug at the end of the school day – hours after being given a talk that reminded them of the school’s blanket ban on hugging.

As far as we know, hugging is not some sort of contagious epidemic, in which people lose control of their arms and charge around like a hug-crazed zombie. Hugging your friend goodbye at the end of the day is a normal form of expression. Why make it taboo?

Adam Road Primary School in Bunbury implemented this ban last year for a multitude of nonsensical reasons, like boyfriend-girlfriend PDAs getting a little heated. Imposing limitations on high school tonsil tennis is understandable – best avoid some sort of anarchic, communal kiss-athon (however unlikely) – but this is a simple, innocent non-sexual hug.

Another reason given was that hugging was “getting out of control”, as explained by school head Gemma Preston. It was “becoming disruptive to classes”. What’s the answer?

No hugging during classes maybe? Clearly a rule that is in operation during school hours and should not affect pupils’ interactions at the end of the day.

“Over-enthusiastic hugging” can lead to bruised ribs, too, Preston asserted, and leave the non-hugged feeling left out. Now, I have been the recipient of many hugs but am yet to receive a bone-injuring one, and logic surely dictates if people are feeling left out by others hugging, hugs should be mandatory – then everyone can enjoy them.

Ablett’s mother has branded the decision “political correctness gone mad”, and she has a point. Where does it stop? Should we just be emotionless automatons, all dressed, talking, speaking and behaving alike? Should we live in independent little bubbles to avoid all interaction? It’s a question of logic – excessive classroom canoodling is inappropriate, but equally so making a perfectly acceptable form of human communication wrong. » Agree or disagree? Should hugs be banned in school? letters@tntmagazine.com

BRING ON THE BOOZE? A new patch that kills hangovers has been released over here, just in time for Christmas – but will it just encourage excessive consumption?

Available in New York since last year, the Bytox Hangover Prevention Patch is set to hit the UK, promising to eradicate the morning after effects. But with the party season just around the corner, its heavenly capabilities are likely to give many boozers a false sense of security.

“

Will a hangover cure encourage drinking?

”

As much fun as the thought of no more hangovers is, Bytox’s combination of vitamins and acids is unlikely to leave you bright-eyed and bushy-tailed after you’ve downed nine pints and four tequilas, and fallen asleep on the last train home to wind up in Fleet in the small hours.

Definitely a good stocking filler, and fine for taking on a test run – all in the name of science, of course – but a readily achievable off-the-internet cure is just too good to be true, I reckon.

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What price anything?

As a woman’s virginity is auctioned for a film, we look at other strange stuff sold on the web WORDS CAROL DRIVER For Aussie filmmaker Justin Sisley, it probably seemed like a good idea at the time. However, a week after he auctioned the virginities of a young woman and man online, he could be facing sex trafficking charges. Brazilian student Catarina Migliorini attracted 15 bids, with a Japanese man securing her first time with a winning £487,000 offer. The 20-yearold is due to be “delivered” to her buyer – known only as Natsu – on board a plane between Australia and the US, to avoid prostitution laws. Aussie student Alex Stepanov, 21, attracted £1870 from a woman in Brazil. The process, how they feel before and after sex, and how the money changes them will form a documentary called Virgins Wanted.

However, taking offence at the sale of Migliorini, Brazil’s attorney general, Joao Pedro de Saboia Bandeira de Mello Filho, has ordered an “urgent” investigation, claiming the auction amounted to “people trafficking”. In a letter to Brazil’s foreign minister, he said Sisley should be stopped from “executing the crime” and called on authorities in Australia, where Migliorini lives, to revoke her visa and deport her back to Brazil for “the exercise of prostitution”.

Sisley, 30, from Melbourne, said it was up to viewers to judge on whether the auction was exploitation, saying he wanted them to witness the transformation of the lives of Stepanov and Migliorini.

“People always ask how are people going to change after having sex,” he said. “But it’s not about that. It’s about the before and after; how they’re going to change with all this attention and how they’re going to change with the money they get from the auction. I want to see where they invest it and how long it’s going to last.”

Sisley said Stepanov was upset about getting only a fraction of Catarina’s price for his virginity. “It’s interesting from a sociological point of view to compare what virginity is worth for a girl and what it’s worth for a guy,” he said.

“It’s something we expected. We never thought he was 50

going to reach anywhere near the amount she did.”

Sisley has received hundreds of emails from people protesting against the auction, mainly family groups.

“I don’t disagree with them, that the film appears to present sex as a commodity, but I’ll let the film speak for itself,” he said. “The cast have made their own decisions.”

Migliorini doesn’t yet know when she will have sex with the winning bidder, but said the auction was a good thing.

“First I talk with the guy,” she said in broken English.

But she added she was delighted with the amount of money she’ll get. “Good, yes, I’m very happy, yes.”

Sisley’s four-person team have been filming for threeand-a-half years – starting by putting up posters declaring “virgins wanted” across Melbourne and Australia – and they hope to release either a film or a TV series next year.

Virginity isn’t the only unusual thing going under the hammer – here, we look at other questionable, random and odd things being sold and sought online.

Roy Norris’ fingernails, United States ‘Tool Box Killer’ Roy Norris went on a killing spree in 1979 with Lawrence Bittaker, kidnapping, raping, torturing and murdering five young women over five months in California.

A few years ago, Norris, 64, who will be eligible for parole in 2019, reportedly sold his fingernail cuttings on eBay, securing US$9.99 (£6.20). Norris sent the ‘winner‘ – Andy Kahn, head of the Mayor’s Crime Victims Office in Houston, who bought them in a bid to stop killers benefiting from ‘murderabilia’ – the shavings attached to a Christmas card, with a note.

Wanted: A midget, South Africa A jilted lover wanted to seek revenge on the woman who dumped him, so placed an unusual advert on Gumtree.

Known only as Brett, the man wrote: “I was recently dumped and require the services of a midget to go and kick my ex-

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Clockwise from left: Stars of Virgins Wanted, Catarina and Alex; midget wanted ad; and Jon Malipieman – or a wall

girlfriend in the shins whilst she is at work. All you need to do is go into the shop, kick her once (not too hard) in the shin, and leave. I’ll supply all the details needed if you are hired.” After being accused of discrimination, Brett told South Africa’s Star newspaper: “Midget revenge is the only form of revenge that works these days.” The ad was removed after 8000 views.

An imaginary friend, United Kingdom What do you do with an imaginary friend you’ve outgrown?

Sell him on eBay. That’s what thewildandcrazyoli did in 2010, with 31 bids and the winner forking out £1900. The listing read: “My imaginary friend Jon Malipieman is getting too old for me now. I am 27 and I feel I am growing out of him.

He is very friendly. Along with him, I will send you what he likes and dislikes, his favourite things to do and his personal self portrait.” It was posted with a photo of a wall.

A good time, Australia A group of four, up-for-a-laugh blokes from Australia who reckoned they could show someone a good time, put a weekend of fun up for auction on eBay. The men guaranteed “beer, snacks, good conversation, and a hell of a lot of laughs” would be included in the raucous two-day extravaganza, which was sold for AU$1300 (£838) in 2007.

Photos: Virgins Wanted; Gumtree; Getty

Dante Knoxx’s soul, United Kingdom Struggling musician Dante Knoxx was desperate to raise extra cash, so put his soul on eBay. The 24-year-old wanted to kick-start his career, offering the ‘used’ item for a starting price of £25,000 or a ‘buy it now’ price of £700,000 in 2008.

However, the online auction site pulled the listing, as it bars the sale of intangible items. Knoxx should have paid a visit to demonical.com, where you can bid for the souls of highprofile figures or auction your own.

MAN WHO SOLD HIS WORLD EXPAT GETS NEW LIFE The ultimate prize to have been up for grabs in an online auction has to be Ian Usher’s life. Four years ago, the Englishman, who was living in Perth, decided to sell everything he owned on eBay after his wife left him.

Usher’s house, possessions, his job and even an introduction to his friends were all listed. However, despite it being picked up by media worldwide, it turned out that none of the bidders – one of which had offered £1m – had the means to pay. Despite his very public failure, Usher, 48, continued with his plan, selling his world through the usual channels, raking in £193,000.

He left Australia with just a rucksack on his back, completing 100 experiences in 100 weeks – such as skydiving and swimming with whales. He also added to the list riding on a husky-pulled sled, where he met his current girlfriend, Moe. Today, he owns a two-acre island off Panama, which he bought for £30,000.

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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SPORTNEWS

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Quade cops penalty on the chin

COOPER CONTRITE AFTER ‘TOXIC’ FINE RUGBY The road to redemption for Quade Cooper began last week when he was slapped with a AU$40,000 fine for his five-day social media rampage against the game and the Wallabies.

Cooper called the Australian side’s environment “toxic”, said he’d turn down Australian team honours and even bagged the ARU-licensed computer game.

He was contrite in copping his fine from a three-member panel: “It was a very fair hearing and I am very happy with the outcome. I fell well below par of what it means to be a Wallaby.”

MESSI EUROPE’S BEST – NEXT, THE WORLD FOOTBALL Barcelona’s Lionel Messi has won the Golden Boot for the top scorer in Europe and is hot favourite to beat Cristiano Ronaldo again for the Ballon d’Or for world player of the year.

Messi paid tribute to his teammates after scoring a record 50 goals in the Spanish domestic La Liga last year, edging out Real Madrid’s Ronaldo by four goals.

PEC DELAYS SONNY V BOTHA DECKING BOXING New Zealand heavyweight champ Sonny Bill Williams will now fight South African Francois Botha in February, after the All Black had surgery on an injured pec muscle.

The fight’s promoter Thinus Strydom wished Williams a “speedy recovery” after calling off the slated November 24 date.

Botha is confident of a win: “I’ll knock him out with one hand behind my back.”

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And you thought Lance Armstrong was on fire winning seven Tour de France titles – Kent artist Frank Shepherd made this 30-foot effigy for Edenbridge Bonfire Society’s Guy Fawkes Night on Saturday

DAY/NIGHT TESTS NOT IN THE PINK JUST YET

BIG WEEK FOR ...

CRICKET

Champion jockey Damien Oliver, who picked up a Melbourne Cup ride on heavily fancied French horse Americain after its connections sacked their rider, Frenchman Gérald Mossé.

A victory on last year’s winner on Tuesday would be Oliver’s third in the Cup – the last was in 2002 on Media Puzzle four days after his older brother, Jason, died in a fall.

Oliver was available for Americain after losing his Cup ride when he was accused of betting on a horse in a race in which he had another mount. “It’s just business as usual for me,” he said.

The ICC may have given the green light to day/night Test matches, which has cricket’s beancounters and broadcasters licking their lips, but players say the key component that makes the games possible – a pink ball that can be seen in day and night – isn’t ready.

South African batsman Alviro Petersen said that when he played with the ball in a game for Glamorgan it wasn’t up to scratch.

“I’m sure from a spectator point of view, it will be nice,” he said at the SCG ahead of the first Test. “We used a Kookaburra and a Tiflex and they never lasted.”

Former Lords official Keith Bradshaw said pink balls are “ready” for Test matches.

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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SOUTH AFRICA v INDIA THU 6 JUNE 2013, CARDIFF

AUSTRALIA v ENGLAND SAT 8 JUNE 2013, EDGBASTON

NEW ZEALAND v SRI LANKA SUN 9 JUNE 2013, CARDIFF

SOUTH AFRICA v PAKISTAN MON 10 JUNE 2013, EDGBASTON

AUSTRALIA v NEW ZEALAND WED 12 JUNE 2013, EDGBASTON

SOUTH AFRICA v WEST INDIES FRI 14 JUNE 2013, CARDIFF

NEW ZEALAND v ENGLAND SUN 16 JUNE 2013, CARDIFF

AUSTRALIA v SRI LANKA MON 17 JUNE 2013, THE OVAL

TICKETS NOW ON SALE ICC – CRICKET.COM T: 0844 249 2013 TNT_1523_edit.indd 53

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Andy Murray’s in career-best form

QUOTES OF THE WEEK Choosing the best player in the world should be banned. They are two players from another planet One of 23 players could win football’s Ballon d’Or, but as Jose Mourinho says, it’s really a two-horse race – Messi v Ronaldo

PREVIEW EIGHT OF THE BEST IS ENOUGH ATP WORLD TOUR FINALS – LIVE

NOV 5-12, SKY SPORTS 1 & 2 What a way to wrap up a season – head-to-heads between the eight best players and doubles pairings.

The line-up comes straight from the South African Airways ATP Rankings, which has Roger Federer, Novak Djokavic, Rafael Nadal, David Ferrer and Tomas Berdych in its top six and guaranteed a spot. But with injury ruling out Spaniard Nadal, Argentine Juan Martin Del Potro is now in the fray.

At time of print, Jo-Wilfried Tsonga

and Janko Tipsarevic were the likely two to round out the eight and vye for a possible US$1.76m in prize money for the player who can win every round robin match and take out the final.

It’s hard to go past Federer, who’s won the tournament six times in 11 attempts, showing his dominance over a decade.

The doubles will be absorbing, too, with defending champions Max Mirnyi and Daniel Nestor and doubles specialists the Bryan brothers (Bob and Mike), up against at least three combinations making their first appearance at the tournament.

The passion wasn’t quite there. In the end, if I stayed, I felt like I would have been cheating myself Two years, 13 games and AU$4m after defecting from rugby league, Israel Folau dumps AFL’s GWS Giants

Amazing how things work – you hurt yourself and then come to the most hilly course in the world. I basically did a Glenn McGrath Saffa golfing legend Ernie Els stepped on a tennis ball and bust his ankle but will play in Mission Hills, Hong Kong

TV HIGHLIGHTS

THE CHAT | Bigger than Brazil

Photos: Getty

FOOTBALL What do you mean football’s bigger in Q Australia than it is in Brazil? Don’t they love it more than caipirinhas and bikinis combined?

If you say this without explanation, right now, you would A be right – maybe not on bikinis. On average, after four rounds of the A-League season, the average crowds of 15,460 are above the average 14,693 in Brazil’s premier league.

Even when said tongue-in-cheek it’s an amazing stat. Brazil has 170 million more people than Oz and boasts world famous clubs such as Vasco de Gama, Corinthians and Sao Paulo. Oz’s crowd figures, buoyed by the messiah-like entrances of Emile Heskey for Newcastle and Alessandro Del Piero for Sydney, are 4000 off being in the world’s top 10 most attended leagues.

Real Madrid v Borussia Dortmund UEFA Champions League group D action Tues, 7.45pm, Sky Sports 4

RUGBY England v Fiji The awesome autumn Tests begin Sat, 2pm, Sky Sports 1

MOTOGP Valencia Grand Prix Del Piero

Casey Stoner’s last race ever Sun, 9.45am, Eurosport 2 TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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Smiling assassin Wallaby David Pocock is a monster in the ruck, takes down politicians on TV and is a top bloke, to boot WORDS MICHAEL GADD

Ferocious at the breakdown and best ball scavenger in the game – descriptions of David Pocock’s on-field persona make him out to be some sort of rabid wolverine. For opposing openside flankers who have to contend with his power and guile in the contest for the ball, it’s a fair call. But there’s plenty more than seems fair to this wily bruiser.

At 24, he’s already deputised as Wallabies captain and with his qualities as a player matched by his well-chosen words outside the game, he’s tipped to take on the role permanently at some stage. Despite several months out of the game, he’s so highly regarded he finished second in voting for the John Eales Medal for Australian rugby’s best player last week, behind Nathan Sharpe. Pocock, who grew up in Zimbabwe and moved to Brisbane in 2002 when his family had to flee their farm amid political upheaval, was also a finalist for Young Australian of the Year for his charity work.

He returns from two months of rehab for a knee injury when he lines up for the autumn tests in Europe, starting this weekend in Paris – France, England, Italy and Wales won’t be encouraged by the knowledge he’s out of the physio’s room and champing at the bit to get out there.

“I’ve treated it as a bit of a mini pre-season,” he tells TNT, adding his body’s ready for the tough clashes ahead in Europe.

Pocock returns to a side which limped through the Rugby Championship and copped flack from fans and pundits in his absence, but on the back of an encouraging 18-all draw in their last start against the world champion All Blacks – the Wallabies had quality and plenty of spirit after all. “I thought the effort was outstanding,” Pocock says. “No one can question the commitment of the team, and given our inexperience in certain areas due to injury, I thought the Championship was a great learning experience for the squad.

The effort has been great but there are areas of our game that can improve a lot, which is exciting.”

His replacement, Michael Hooper, played like such a 56

champ that coach Robbie Deans may even try to find space in the 15 for both of them – but Pocock’s still the first choice.

“Hoops has been fantastic,” he says of his 21-year-old understudy. “He’s got through a mountain of work and I’ve enjoyed watching it. It’s been a tough year for the Wallabies but the opportunities that a number of young guys like him have been given will be great for the team in the long run.”

Provided he can stay fit, Pocock is a clear choice to take over as Wallabies skipper when Sharpe, 34, retires after

“

Sport and politics don’t mix? That’s rubbish

”

this four-test tour. It’s a role his career’s inadvertently been leading to, having captained age teams and being picked so young to fill in for injured James Horwill, even if his priority is tackling and forcing turnovers. “I enjoy serving the team in that role but it’s not something I chase after,” he says.

Pocock intends to be a leader beyond sport, too. A recent episode of political panel show Q&A in Australia featured the flanker butting heads with intellectuals and politicians, and notably schooling former tennis star-tured-Liberal MP John Alexander on the legalisation of gay marriage.

“How can we be challenging homophobia when we’re saying, ‘You’re equal to me but you’re separate, I’ll go sign this [marriage] document but you can go have your civil union,’ which is the same, but not really,’” was part of his measured, softly spoken and applauded rant.

He added he and his girlfriend Emma have decided they won’t get married until their gay friends are allowed to.

Pocock’s also spoken out about climate change. But

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2/11/12 12:09:48

Photos: Getty

Clockwise: David Pocock is anything but a poser; with Oz coach Robbie Deans; and doing what he does best

wouldn’t it be easier to just keep his mouth shut?

“Not everyone likes that I’ve spoken out or weighed into the debate on those two issues but they’re really important to me, so it’s worth it,” he tells us. “There is often the old ‘sports and politics don’t mix’ line, but I think that’s rubbish.

Sports people benefit so much from society so it’s important they’re giving back by being a good role model and engaging politically – it’s important that young people take an interest in current issues and become involved in more than clicktivism and sharing a Facebook status or watching a YouTube clip.”

Fond memories of “barefoot rugby in baggy jumpers” when growing up in Gweru, Zimbabwe, are the foundation for Pocock’s attitude to rugby, with memories of “kicking the ball around with my brothers ‘til the light faded as my dad coached the high school first 15”. Despite being a proud Aussie, he says Zimbabwe still has “a special place in my heart”. He’s kept that connection strong through the charity he co-founded, 80/20 Vision. “The work we’re doing with a community development project is really important,” he says. “Our focuses are food and water, security, health and education – areas that require more attention across the world.”

Pocock knows that he wouldn’t get such a forum if he wasn’t such a dynamite on the field. And since he burst into international rugby in 2008, he’s been challenging Richie McCaw for the title of world’s best flanker. Rugby fans missed out on his already legendary head-to-head with the All Blacks captain this season – it’s a clash that decides the best player in the world for some observers. “I stay out of that,” he says of this debate. “He’s a great player who’s achieved a ridiculous amount in rugby, and he deserves the accolades he receives.” Why is McCaw so good? “His ability to play on the edge of the laws, timing and picking his moments – it’s what good flankers do,” Pocock says of the veteran.

There’s no way he’d say it himself – it’s not his style – but that’s exactly what Pocock does, and he’s just getting started.

England skipper Chris Robshaw

HEMISPHERES COLLIDE NORTH V SOUTH IN TESTS It’ll be the unofficial championship between the north and south hemispheres from this weekend, when the top teams from both regions clash for a month.

The series kicks off this week with a super Saturday – France host Australia at the State de France, England and Fiji clash at Twickenham, Wales take on Argentina at Cardiff’s Millennium Stadium and the green teams, Ireland and South Africa, meet at Dublin’s Aviva Stadium.

After dominating the Rugby Championship, the All Blacks had a blip with a draw against the Wallabies in the third Bledisloe match and will expect to dominate.

But coach Steve Hansen isn’t taking anything for granted, saying northern hemisphere tours “always bring unique challenges” and “big occasions”.

Despite disappointing form over the southern winter, the Wallabies are aiming for four wins in four games to send off captain Nathan Sharpe on a high.

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SPORTVIEW

TNT puts the world to rights

COMMENT: MICHAEL GADD michael.gadd@tntmagazine.com

Stoner has plenty to celebrate

The last lap in a sweet and too short career Casey Stoner’s rock solid on the track and in his convictions

» Agree or disagree? Is Casey a champ or has he bowed out too early? letters@tntmagazine.com 58

Regardless of what happens to referee Mark Clattenburg, guilty or not, it’s hard not to think his career is kaput and forever stained by the scandal.

The 37-year-old, among the top officials in England, was stood down as the FA and police investigate allegations he made racist comments towards two Chelsea players.

There’s nothing to be said about that until the facts are found – if he did say something stupid, he should be reprimanded. But if not, it’s not like he’s a player. He can’t cop a four-match suspension and sit in the stands with an anti-racism badge on and pretend all

“

If you’re going to bag out the ref, be right

”

is equality in the world. He’s done for.

I love to bag a ref as much as anyone, but they’ve got it tough in this country.

Everyone from ignorant pundits to even more ignorant fans keep kicking the boot in. At least when you do it, be right – just like Clattenburg was when he gave Torres a second yellow (he was touched, but dived).

Photo: Getty

All sporting careers end, but only in so many ways. Some are forced out by injury or sacking. The lucky ones hit a sad realisation their bodies – or minds – can no longer hack it. Rarely, a star pulls the plug at their peak to leave us wondering, why?

Casey Stoner is a turbo-charged version of the latter. At 27, the Aussie is a twotime MotoGP world champion, most recently last year, and last week he won his sixth consecutive Australian Grand Prix at Phillip Island. This weekend in Valencia, he retires.

Stoner made the announcement in May, after winning the season’s first two races in Jerez and Estoril, saying, “I don’t have the passion for it… it’s better if I retire now.” He said alterations to MotoGP rules had “changed to the point where I am not enjoying it”.

Stoner noted sacrifices made up to this point. A skinny kid from Kurri Kurri in NSW, his first race was at age four. At 12, he won 32 of 35 races at the Australian Long Track Titles, taking home the five national titles on offer. At 14, too young to race road bikes in Australia, his parents Colin and Bronwyn sold up to live out of a caravan while Casey raced in the UK and Spain. Sometimes living without power or water, it’s just as well their boy delivered. He won plenty, but he was fearless, too, and got nicknamed ‘Crash King’.

It seems fitting, then, that his career wraps with an ankle injury after a fall in the US (he rode on it afterwards before getting surgery) and then an inspirational home GP win.

Although never truly embraced by fans like his flamboyant rival Valentino Rossi is, Stoner bows out of racing hugely respected. Honda offered him AU$15m to stay on one more year – clearly no amount was enough, they conceded. Stoner would have been the richest in the Honda company and in any motorsport, but his mind was made up.

It’s corniness of the highest order, but before he announces his next move (V8 Supercars, perhaps?) his only certainties are wife Adriana, daughter Alessandra and a fishing rod. With all the crap sportsmen go on with, it’s heartening that Casey Stoners exist.

REF-GATE: THEY BETTER BE RIGHT

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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SCOTLAND UP CLOSE, IN THE FLESH & ON HOME TURF! EMC TESTS 2012

v NEW ZEALAND Sunday 11 November Murrayfield, Edinburgh

v SOUTH AFRICA Saturday 17 November Murrayfield, Edinburgh

v TONGA

Saturday 24 November Pittodrie, Aberdeen

U18s & Students

TICKETS ON SALE NOW! from

from

Adults

£7.50 £15

www.scottishrugby.org

@scotlandteam #backingblue TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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Scanbalt Experience The expert on budget travel in Scandinavia, The Baltics and Russia

ALL OUR TRAVEL SHOW DISCOUNTS HAVE BEEN EXTENDED TILL NOV 10TH USE DISCOUNT CODE TNT WHEN MAKING THE BOOKING

ROUND TRIPS 2013 Scandinavian Explorer 10 days was ¤670 TNT 15% Off Copenhagen-Oslo-Sognefjord-Bergen-Oslo-Stockholm-Helsinki This tour is a perfect combination of awesome Scandinavian cities with great nightlife and loads of history and stunning Scandinavian nature with great scenery and activities.

Russian Explorer 9 days was ¤620 TNT 15% off Helsinki-St Petersburg-Novgorod-Moscow-Tallinn Combine three great but very different Russian cities with Helsinki and Tallinn.

Balalaika & Vodka 6 days was ¤350 TNT 15% off Helsinki-St Petersburg-Tallinn This is a very convenient trip with overnight ferries, note that this tour is VISA FREE!

Baltic Explorer 7 days was ¤380 TNT 15% off Tallinn-Riga-Curonian Spit-Vilnius Cool Baltic capitals, unique history, great nature, sandy beaches and excellent nightlife!

Magic Lapland Adventure 7 days was ¤425 TNT 15% off Stockholm-Kiruna-Abisko-Jokkmokk-Stockholm Explore Swedish Lapland, check the Ice Hotel, look for Northern Lights and go dogsledding in stunning nature.

Lapland Explorer 9 days was ¤680 TNT 15%Off Stockholm-Kiruna-Inari-Rovaniemi-Helsinki This is our unique Christmas and New Year’s tours. Have a white Christmas, do amazing activities and look for the Northern Lights Possible combinations: Scandinavian Explorer+Balalaika & Vodka, Scandinavian Explorer+Russian Explorer+Baltic Explorer

More tours: Baltic New Years, Russian New Years, Baltic Easter, Lapland with Jokkmokk market…

www.scanbaltexperience.com info@scanbaltexperience.com TNT_1523_edit.indd 60

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TRAVEL LATE DEALS | HOTSHOTS | TRAVEL TIPS | TOP FIVE | TOURS | BIG TRIP IMAGE OF THE WEEK

ROCK ‘N’ ROLL A goat vendor waits for customers before Eid al-Adha, the Islamic Feast of Sacrifice, in Delhi, India.

Photos: Visit Wales, Getty

INSIDE

BIKE TO BASICS /64

XMAS MARKETS /74

PERFECT POLYNESIA /80

We hit the action capital of North Wales for an off-road cycling adventure in beautiful Betws-y-Coed.

Glug glühwein, snap up stocking fillers and munch on all those delectable Christmas goodies at Europe’s big festive markets.

Want to see really badass tattoos? Head to the idyllic islands of Samoa, where the body art is as eye-popping as the scenery.

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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TRAVELDIARY Helen Elfer

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Built on sand: weird and wonderful sculptures

TRAVEL EDITOR

WE SHOULD GET THERE EARLY...

Those words give me a sinking feeling every time my better half and I have to go to the airport together. If he had his way, we’d spend more time in departure lounges than we would on holiday (of course he says if it was up to me we’d never get there at all).

He’s one of the majority of UK flight passengers that, according to sunshine.co.uk’s new survey, aim to arrive at the airport over three hours ahead of their flight.

I am definitely not among that number. Arriving the recommended two hours early is already ridiculous – they blatantly only tell you that so you wander around duty free for ages and buy loads of crap you don’t need.

Give me an extra hour in bed, or even better, snoozing on some hot sands any day, rather than aimlessly sniffing expensive perfumes I’m never going to buy. What a waste of precious holiday time.

Sadly my boyfriend and I can’t even settle our differences once we get to the airport. When the board goes red and flashes the message: ‘Gate now closing’ I’m of the opinion it really means: ‘Hey there guys, take your time finishing up your coffees, go to the loo and pick up a mag from WH Smith. Forgotten to get a bottle of water? Oops! No prob, nip back, then mosey on down – we’d never actually leave without you, obviously!’

He’s under the delusion they put that message up to let you know the gate is closing. I will go so far as to say this difference of interpretation has caused tension in the past.

What’s your travelling style? Like to be hours early for your flight or is it a last-minute dash? Let us know!

to helen.elfer@tntmagazine.com

This nine-day festival in Florida sees sculptors from across the world slaving away to turn grains of sand into spectacular works of art, using 16-25 over 1000 tonnes of sand. This year, championship favourite and multimedalist Carl Jara will go up against the likes of Bouke Atema from Germany, creating all sorts of weird and wonderful sand art.

NOV

WHY: Fort Myers Beach has the world’s best sculpting sand, due to its particularly high shell content. And what better use for it than to create giant sandy Michael Jacksons or grinning Obamas on the beachfront? Each year about 100,000 visitors pass through to see the sculptures.

RAGASTHAN India

Set among the stunning dunes of the Jaisalmer 16-18 desert, and taking place over the Diwali weekend, Ragasthan is a real one-of-a-kind event. It aims to make a name for itself as India’s first global music, arts, and cultural fest, with rock music from Delhi’s Parikrama and Mumbai’s Brahma, among others.

NOV

ragasthan.com

DOCU FILM FEST Netherlands

The 25th International Documentary Film Fest will 14-25 showcase some of the best examples of documentary filmmaking from across the globe in Amsterdam next week.

NOV

idfa.nl

62

DO IT BECAUSE: Inspired visitors can get stuck in too, with sand sculpting lessons or by competing in the amateur competition on the final day of the festival. You can also see ‘chainsaw masters’ in action, who transform blocks of wood into artistic carvings. fmbsandsculpting.com

CHERRY FESTIVAL South Africa

Ficksburg calls itself the “cherry capital of the 15-17 world”, and the organisers have certainly come up with just about everything you could do with them; cherry-spitting contests, speed-eating and cake-baking. Sweet as.

NOV

cherryfestival.co.za

BON OM TOUK Cambodia

A celebration of the end of the wet season and the 27-29 mighty Tonlé Sap river’s change of direction, Bon Om Touk is a three-day festival of thrilling boat races, concerts and feasting. Expect Phnom Penh to get absolutely rammed with tourists during this period.

NOV

tourismcambodia.org

Photos: Getty

Email your views or just generally have a rant

SAND SCULPTING CHAMPIONSHIPS US

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SKIERS ‘ILL PREPARED’ Spending a week in the local hospital is probably not your idea of a dream visit to the Alps. But since so many skiers and snowboarders don’t do any physical prep before they go away, that’s exactly where they end up – with broken bones and massive medical bills, according to the Association of British Travel Agents. Research shows a third of inexperienced skiers aren’t in good enough physical shape to hit the slopes and of those injured, six out of 10 do themselves serious damage, such as a broken leg. The ABTA recommends novices heading for the snow should hit the gym to toughen up those muscles before you go. See P36 for more on ski fitness.

Photo: Thinkstock

GALLERY AT GATWICK Pop artist Sir Peter Blake, who is best known for designing the cover of The Beatles’ Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, has created a walk-through gallery at Gatwick airport.

Passengers will now be welcomed by Londoninspired artwork in both the North and South terminals. Blake said: “This project instantly captured my imagination – a chance to showcase London to an international public and to remind Brits how great it is to be back on British soil.” ‘Teaser’ vinyls run along the corridors right through to the baggage halls, where the full on-canvas collection is displayed.

ODE TO THE OUTLAW A Robin Hood theme park is being planned for Sherwood Forest, legendary home of the most famous bloke ever to pull on a pair of green tights. The 40-acre site in Nottinghamshire will be dubbed Discover Robin Hood and have numerous attractions based on the legend of the outlaw, including a medieval castle, dungeons and a tournament field for jousting.

When the £13m park opens – it’s anticipated for spring 2015 – visitors will be able to dress up in armour, navigate a maze filled with talking trees and take part in activities including archery and cooking with wild food.

‘HERDS’ HIT CHAPEL The Sistine Chapel might have to limit the number of visitors it receives each year, after complaints that the religious atmosphere is being destroyed and the artwork damaged by crowds of sightseers. Up to 20,000 tourists a day visit the chapel during peak season to see Michelangelo’s famous ceiling frescoes, but prominent Italian literary critic Pietro Citati has complained that the tourists “resemble drunken herds” and damage the frescoes with their breath, perspiration, dusty shoes and body heat. The Sistine Chapel celebrates its 500th anniversary this year.

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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Snowdonia: get out and about in one of Britain’s most stunning landscapes

LIVERPOOL

Snowdonia Snowdonia

WALES

WALES

GETTING THERE Arriva Trains Wales has trains running daily from London Euston to Betws-y-Coed (via Llandudno) from £82.70 return. arrivatrainswales.co.uk

EAT, SLEEP, DRINK The Bridge 1815 Brasserie is a stylish restaurant in the Waterloo Hotel, and serves up stone-baked pizzas as well as Welsh lamb and local mussels. Mains from £8.95. waterloo-hotel.info Ty Gwyn Coaching Inn is a cosy spot with beamed ceilings and log fires. Choose from dishes such as Welsh steaks and goat’s cheese bake. Mains from £8.95. tygwynhotel.co.uk A welcoming pub popular with tourists and locals alike, Point Y Pair serves a good range of ales. Pints of lager from £2.90. hotelbetwsycoed.co.uk In the centre of the village, Y Stablau is the best place to socialise with other outdoor enthusiasts. Pints of lager from £3.30. stables-bistro.co.uk The Vagabond has a bar and self-catering kitchen, with breakfasts (£5) and evening meals (£7) available on request.

Dorm beds from around £17pn. thevagabond.co.uk

Rocky road: the trails are challenging 64

The all-inclusive spa facilities make Waterloo Hotel and Lodge a real treat after a day in the hills. Opt for a ‘lodge room’ and enjoy your own patio and lounge. Double rooms from £93.20pn. waterloo-hotel.info

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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UKTRIP

Bike to basics We hit the action capital of North Wales for an off-roading adventure in Betws-y-Coed

Photos: Lucy Grewcock, Wales Tourist Board, thinkstock

WORDS LUCY GREWCOCK

My arms reverberate as if I’m operating a pneumatic drill, my thighs are screaming and it’s all I can do not to tumble off my bike onto the rocky track. After five minutes of ricocheting over rocks, splashing through streams and resisting the urge to close my eyes as I leap over mosscovered ledges, the forest spits me out into a clearing and I skid to a halt.

I’m in North Wales, getting my first taste of singletracks.

These are narrow off-road trails that are roughly the width of a mountain bike. They divert from the wider main forest paths – also known as fire roads – and are graded in a similar way to ski runs, from easy-peasy greens to expert blacks.

Snowdonia is chock-full of these routes and, staying in the heart of the National Park in Betws-y-Coed, circled by lush river valleys and forests, I’m definitely at the epicentre of the UK’s most exciting biking terrain. But that’s not to say I’m entirely ready for it.

“Have you done much biking before?” Andy, at the bike hire centre, asks me that morning as he fits me out with my wheels. When I mumble an admission to only having ridden on a few gentle tracks before, he smirks. “Welcome to Wales,” he says. I suddenly get the feeling that I might be biting off more than I can chew.

Although guided rides are offered at the hire centre, my three friends and I are determined to go it alone. We recklessly head straight for the Marin Trail, a 25km stretch of singletrack with such punishing ascents, tight turns, and hairy downhill slopes that it’s one of the main reasons Betwsy-Coed has a reputation for being the adventure capital of North Wales.

We cycle past hiking shops and busy cafes before crossing a cobbled bridge and starting the 2km ascent into the Gwydir Forest. This is where we pick up the trail, the scent of pine needles filling our nostrils as we peddle.

Minutes after turning onto the Marin Trail, I take my first fall, scuffing my knees on the rocks. But luckily the only serious injury is to my ego. I feel a little shaky when I get back in the saddle, but after half an hour of slipping and stalling, I start to get the hang of it, controlling my speed by ‘feathering’ (lightly touching) my brakes and switching gears in plenty of time before taking on the mazes of tree roots that criss-cross my path.

My efforts are rewarded with scenery so dramatic it’s hard to believe I’m in Britain: isolated lakes reflecting perfect mirror images of surrounding hills stun me into silence.

Eventually my friends and I take a break, snacking on ‘bara brith’ (Welsh fruit cake) to fuel up for the way home. As we watch the autumn sun start to dip, Snowdonia’s mountains form a jagged silhouette against the burnt-orange sky.

After a total of four hours’ riding, we shoot out of the woods onto a fire road and land back in Betws-y-Coed. We rejoin civilisation at the Stable Bar, or Y Stable as it’s known in Welsh, which is a central hub for mountain bikers to treat

“

I ricochet over rocks and hang on tight

”

themselves to a well-earned pint after a day on the trails.

Later that evening, we spend a good hour in the hotel hot tub, attempting to soothe the muscles in our aching legs and backsides. But when morning arrives, we still find ourselves with very tender sit bones, so choose to take a less demanding route: a 10km ride along a Roman road to Llyn Elsi reservoir, followed by a gentle walk to Swallow Falls – a spectacular three-tier waterfall, just outside the village.

Packing up the car to go home that evening, I gaze up at the forested hillsides and wonder how many mountain bikers are careering along the roads beneath those trees, ripping over roots on the Marin Trail, and freewheeling down the fire roads. One weekend in Snowdonia has changed my perception of biking altogether and, as the mountains of North Wales give way to the motorways, I definitely see an addictive new hobby taking shape Scotland: We take on the horizon.

NEXT WEEK

Beics Betws hire bikes for £28 a day bikewales.co.uk

an island-hopping adventure

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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2/11/12 11:10:48

LATEDEALS

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Three nights in Rome costs £199pp with Flight Centre

DEAL OF THE WEEK ESTONIAN ESCAPE

£122

Two nights in Tallinn with easyJet Holidays (easyJet.com/holidays; 0843 1041000). Includes flights and four-star, B&B accommodation at the Domina Inn Ilmarine. Departs on November 19.

< £250

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CHAMONIX A seven-night stay in Chamonix costs £280pp with easyJet Holidays (easyJet.com/ holidays; 0843 1041000). Deal includes direct return flights and threestar, self-catering accommodation at the Residence Les Balcons d’Anaite, based on two sharing.Departs from London Luton on December 15.

SHARM EL SHEIKH A sevennight trip costs £411pp with easyJet Holidays (easyJet.com/holidays; 0843 1041000). Includes return direct flights and five-star, all-inclusive accommodation at the Marriott Sharm Mountain Resort. Departs from London Luton on November 30.

MOROCCO An eight-day Winter Mount Toubkal trek costs £459pp with The Adventure Company (0845 4505316; adventurecompany. co.uk). Includes accommodation and most meals. Excludes flights. Departs from Marrakech on December 21.

> £500 GOA A seven-night stay costs £667pp with lowcostholidays.com (0844 372399). Includes flights and three-star, B&B accommodation at the Palmarinha Resort Hotel. Departs from London Gatwick on November 24.

AUSTRIA A seven-night stay in Ellmau costs £599pp (save £132) with Flight Centre (0844 800 8624; flightcentre.co.uk) quoting reference 2196893. Deal includes flights and four-star, half-board accommodation at the Sporthotel. Book

by November 15. Valid for travel from March 1-March 20, 2013. Departs from London Gatwick.

EGYPT Seven nights in Luxor costs £595pp with Voyages Jules Verne (0845 1667035; vjv.com). Deal includes flights and five-star, B&B accommodation at the Steigenberger Nile Palace Luxor Hotel, based on two sharing. Departs from London Gatwick on Nov 12 and 17, and Dec 10 and 17.

DAILY TRAVEL DEALS GO TO tntmagazine.com/travel/latedeals where new travel deals are updated daily.

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PRAGUE Two nights costs £151pp with lowcostholidays.com (0800 1116271). Includes flights and fourstar, B&B accommodation at the Hotel Majestic Plaza. Departs London Luton on December 12.

ROME Three nights costs £199pp (save £22) with Flight Centre (0844 800 8624; flightcentre.co.uk) quoting reference 2271053. Package includes flights and three-star, B&B accommodation at the Hotel Beldes, based on two sharing. Book by November 15. Valid for travel January 15-February 11, 2013. Departs from London Gatwick.

COLOGNE A two-night trip costs £154pp with lowcostholidays.com (0800 1116271). Includes return flights and four-star, B&B accommodation at the Hotel Barcelo City Centre. Departs from London Gatwick on November 23.

DUBLIN A two-night stay costs £81pp with lowcostholidays.com (0800 1116271). Includes flights and three-star, B&B accommodation at Cassidys Hotel. Departs from London Gatwick on November 29.

BARCELONA A two-night stay costs £118pp with easyJet Holidays (easyJet.com/holidays; 0843 104 1000). Includes flights and four-star, B&B accommodation at the H10 Itaca.

Departs from London Gatwick on November 19.

£250 – £500

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RUTH ROXANNE BOARD Talks travel photography

INSTAGRAMCOMP WINNER SQUALL Ewan Jamieson, Leeds, UK

WHY IT WORKS The winner of our one-off Instagram competition captures these local residents of Whitby, North Yorkshire, known for their boldness when in search of food. They stand in tandem with the same expression; beaks wide open as if they are shouting “feed me!” The composition in this image is great as it uses the horizontal lines of the sea wall and the horizon to bring depth and order to the image, while the birds’ central position draws the eye straight to their cavernous mouths. The seagulls’ feathers are complemented by the sky; their white breasts and grey wings matching the stormy clouds above.

RUNNER-UP SPICED RUM IN YA TUM Rhiannon Lawley, Sydney, Australia

WINNER

WHY IT WORKS This picture is a riot of colour and movement. The dancer shakes her money maker at the Notting Hill Carnival surrounded by multicoloured showgirl plumes, while wearing a bejewelled bikini set and swirls of body paint. This is a woman not afraid to show herself off! The image perfectly captures the carnival atmosphere and the dancer’s moment of living life and loving it.

HOT TIPS: Instagram

RUNNER-UP

Congratulations to Ewan Jamieson, who bags a state of the art Olympus camera after winning our Instagram travel photo competition. Crowning the victor was no easy task – we had so many great images to choose from. See the shortlist at tntmagazine.com/instagramcomp.

Shooting through Instagram is becoming ever-more popular. The app enables you to instantly share your experiences with friends and family.

To start, it is important to think about Instagram etiquette. Aim to only upload your best pictures and try to make your subjects as varied as possible to avoid spamming and boring your followers in equal measure.

Great Instagram shots take a steady hand and lots of practice to get the exposure and composition right. It’s a good idea for you to control the exposure rather than let the app do it automatically. If you are aiming for a silhouette, expose for the sky to achieve a crisp black figure in the foreground. Instagram limits you to a square frame so think about the ‘rule of thirds’ when composing your shot. It may be easier to shoot your scene using the normal camera app and then import into Instagram, but don’t forget to shoot wider to account for cropping. The last stage is choosing a filter, but your image may be just perfect without one.

WIN

A THREE DAY TOUR OF IRELAND AND A PHOTOGRAPHY COURSE Our weekly Hotshots competition now continues as normal. Upload your images to tntmagazine. com/hotshots First prize is a three-day tour of Ireland with Shamrocker (shamrockeradventures.com).

Must be taken within three months of receiving prize letter. The runner-up wins a £60 photography course voucher from Nigel Wilson Photography (photographycourses.org.uk).

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TOP FIVE

CRAZY MALLS

CHECKING IN

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MALL OF THE EMIRATES, UAE

[Caption]

THE HAMBROUGH This relaxed ‘restaurant with rooms’ has put Ventnor in the Isle of Wight – once a favourite among the Victorian elite – firmly back on the tourist map. Set in a three-storey villa on the seafront, chef Robert Thompson’s Michelin-starred haute cuisine might be the draw, but it’s the cosy suites and lovely staff that keep customers bedded in for a long weekend. It isn’t glamorously luxurious, á la the W, but The Hambrough succeeds at delivering a more accessible, down-to-earth charm to guests eager to escape the stresses of city life.

WOW FACTOR Where to start? The hotel’s biggest selling point is its sublime gastronomy, served up as the waves of the Channel crash soothingly outside. And at just £60pp for the à la carte menu (or try a three-course lunch for £29pp) it’s also more affordable than a similar meal would be in London. Then there’s the gourmet breakfast they deliver to your room, and the fact that staff make a conscious effort to make you feel comfortable, despite the high-end credentials.

ROOMS Contemporary, homey decor gives you no choice but to kick back.

Try for a suite with a balcony to make the most of the sea views.

BILL PLEASE From £150pn.

OVERVIEW

Hambrough Road, Ventnor, PO38 1SQ, Isle of Wight robert-thompson.com

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You know when you’re in the mall, just picking up some groceries or a new pair of socks, and you suddenly become overwhelmed by the desire to hurtle down a 400m snow slope on a pair of skis? Uhh, no? It’s not an every day thing, but if you did, Mall of the Emirates would have you covered.

It’s home to Ski Dubai, a colossal indoor ski resort that contains five runs, a snow park, and a colony of live-in Gentoo and King Penguins. Ski Dubai has practically everything you’d expect from a regular skiing complex, albeit miniature versions.

There’s a toboggan run, a chair lift, a ski school, and a café overlooking the slopes which serves up steaming, creamy hot chocolate.

The one thing you might expect to be missing from a ski resort in the Muslim country of the UAE would be a raucous après-ski scene. But you’d be wrong – there’s even a bar called ‘Après’ upstairs, where you can grab a post-ski tipple.

Most bizarrely of all, once you’ve finished your day on the slopes, you

can walk outside into blazing sunshine, as the outdoor temperatures in the UAE hit well in excess of 40˚C in summer.

Since Dubai’s scorching streets are far too hot to stroll down for almost half the year, it’s easy to see why the country’s air-conditioned mega malls are such a big hit. And so Mall of the Emirates isn’t the only shopping centre in the UAE with a surreal twist. The Dubai Mall has a huge aquarium – one of the largest in the world, containing 10 million litres of water, sharks, stingrays and thousands of exotic fish – right there next to the customary high street fashion outlets, such as H&M and New Look.

Visitors can take a ride on a glassbottomed boat to admire all the sea creatures or, if they’re feeling brave, go diving with the sharks or take part in a little cage snorkeling.

The Dubai Mall also has an Olympicsized ice rink, where you can play hockey, take ice dancing lessons or just go for a sociable spin.

Who says mall trawling is boring? malloftheemirates.com; thedubaimall.com

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THE VENETIAN, MACAU

Never mind catching the bus to the shops, how about hopping onto a canal boat?

At the Shoppes Grand Canal in Macau you can do just that. It’s inside The Venetian, which is one of the world’s largest casino resorts. Aimed squarely at people with more money than sense, it’s a gaudy mix of designer shops, bling and faux-Venetian canals along which you can while away the hours when you’re not gambling. venetianmacao.com

Photos: Thinkstock, Getty

4

CRAZY MALLS

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KRZYWY DOMEK, POLAND

Stare at the outside of the Krzywy Domek for too long and you’ll start to feel like your morning coffee might have been spiked.

The irregularly shaped building in Sopot, Poland, is completely askew, and was inspired by the fairytale illustrations of Jan Marcin Szancer.

Its name translates in English to the Crooked House, and it contains a shopping centre and a drinking hole, which is rather appropriately called the Wonky Pub. krzywydomek.info

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TOP FIVE

MALL OF AMERICA, US

This super-sized mall is immense – known as ‘Sprawl of America,’ it’s big enough to hold Yankee Stadium seven times over. What better way to make use of all that space than to fill it with an amusement park?

Called Nickelodeon Universe, the park has rides and roller coasters galore, including the SpongeBob SquarePants Rock Bottom Plunge, which features an almost-vertical 67ft drop. mallofamerica.com

5

WEST EDMONTON, CANADA

The West Edmonton Mall is home to the World Waterpark, the largest indoor complex of its kind on Earth.

Forget about the shopping, here you can splash about in the world’s largest indoor wave pool and go on the tallest indoor permanent bungee tower (which drops from above the wave pool). Cyclone is by far the scariest slide, as the floor disappears from beneath the rider, leaving them to plummet 17m straight down at speeds up to 60kmph. Yikes!

NEXT WEEK: Endangered hols: Get there before it’s gone for good

wem.ca

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Northern lights: the brightest in 50 years

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If your tip is printed, you’ll win vouchers (worth up to £60) for entry for two into one of No.1 Traveller’s airport lounges at Heathrow, Gatwick or Stansted. With complimentary food and drinks, free wi-fi and newspapers and magazines, your trip will get off to a flying start. See No1Traveller.com Tweet your tip to @tntmagazine.com Email traveltips@tntmagazine.com Text TNT and your message to 81707* *Messages cost 25p each + standard network rate.

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YOU ASKED FOR IT...

LAURA LINDSAY FROM LONELY PLANET

boyfriend wants to visit Tallinn for Q My a weekend break in March, but I’m unsure of what there is to do there. Can you help me out? Emma, via email seen as just a cheap destination for A Once a boozy break, Estonia’s main city proved

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to see these, preferably in Norway, and as cheaply as possible! Any hints on when and where the best spot is for a poor Kiwi bargain hunter? Chris, via email readers’ favourite question: the holy A TNT grail of the northern lights on a budget!

I would recommend that you opt for Iceland, as the recent currency crash has made visiting the country much cheaper than it used to be.

Secondly, as the popularity of the area increases, more budget airlines are servicing the country, meaning that a flight won’t cost the earth.

Iceland Air is currently offering a northern lights deal which includes flights, hotel and a tour from £299 per person. There is no guarantee that you will see the lights, but Iceland’s Meteorological Office (en.vedur.is) provides a cloud cover tool so you can plan the best time to visit.

The northern lights are visible from between September and March, so I would aim to visit between February and March, when the days are starting to get longer but the aurora borealis activity is still visible.

You are also right in saying that this could be the best example of the natural light show in recent years as the intensity of the aurora borealis has been increasing to reach its solar maximum in 2012. So while it might be a bit of a pricier break than you’d hoped, you should get more for your money this year, making it worth the spend.

MARKET MUNCHIES Berlin’s markets are magical, but make sure you rug up... it was -14˚C the day we arrived! Be sure to try the to-die-for wood-fired oven mini pizza, they make it all from scratch in front of you. Nom, nom, nom.

Skye Worrell, via Facebook CHOPPY SHOPPING Cologne’s markets are really amazing.

There are a few of them scattered around the city and one is even on a boat! (cologne.de) Jazz Say, via Facebook FESTIVE VIBES Luxembourg is a charming city to walk around and soak up the Christmas atmosphere. The market here is lovely.

James Scanlan, via Facebook

A LONELY PLANET GUIDE

WIN

Lonely Planet’s Laura Lindsay will give you the benefit of her infinite wisdom if you email a question to traveltips@tntmagazine.com.

If your question is answered, you’ll win a Lonely Planet guide of your choice.

This is a reader forum — TNT and Lonely Planet accepts no responsibility for any loss, injury or inconvenience sustained by anyone using the information provided.

Photos: Thinkstock

it has a lot more to offer than just cut-price lager last year when it was crowned European Capital of Culture.

It’s still easy on the pocket, but Tallinn is also packed with medieval and Soviet history, making it a fascinating place. The main draw is the stunning Old Town – a stroll within the medieval city walls will take you back centuries.

This area is listed as a Unesco World Heritage Site and is packed with old churches, including St Nicholas’ which now has a museum, and St Olaf’s, where you can climb right up the spire for sensational views of the city.

Once you have taken in central Tallinn, venture to the nearby suburb of Kadriorg (2km from the Old Town). There’s an enormous park here, which was commissioned by 17th-century Russian tsar, Peter the Great, as well as an art museum inside the impressive Kadriorg Palace.

Since you’re travelling in March, you’ll also be able to take advantage of the snow in Winter Park in the nearby Song Festival Grounds, where you can hire skis, snowboards and sledges. Don’t forget it will be very chilly then, so to warm up, try some traditional, hearty Estonian fare, such as sealiha ja kartul (pork and potatoes) or suitsukala (smoked fish).

this year the northern lights are Q Iathear their best in 50 years. I would love

READERS’ TIPS ON XMAS MARKETS

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WHERE IN THE WORLD?

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A TRIP FOR TWO TO BATH & STONEHENGE

Been somewhere good lately?

Send us a horizontal photo of yourself with a copy of TNT from anywhere around the world and, if we print it, you’ll win a trip for two to Bath and Stonehenge with Anderson Tours, valued at £104! » Email your pictures to ontheroad@ tntmagazine.com along with your name, where you’re from and where the photo was taken, or see tntmagazine.com/world.

Files must be at least 500Kb.

NEW YORK, US Jen Cartwright, from Australia

BEST / WORST TRIP

THE TRAVELLER

THEODORE DAY

BEN COOPER, 23

Essex, England

London, England

BEST Going to Devon once with my family as a child.

When I think back, it was very relaxed and fun. I also really enjoyed a trip to New York, because the scenery was just absolutely amazing.

Most memorable travel experience?

Visiting New York and seeing Ground Zero: it’s not often I’m moved to tears, but that was a very sombre experience.

Ideal travel partner? Nigella Lawson – she’d know all the best places to eat.

Top travel tip? Book your flights and nothing else. I find it works better to make your plans as you go.

Scariest travel experience? Probably being chased around a hostel by a male model high on coke!

WORST Visiting Lincoln was terrible. We stepped off the bus and found ourselves in what felt like some sort of Alcoholics Anonymous meeting – there were just drunks everywhere. » Tell us your best/worst trips, email helen.elfer@tntmagazine.com

SPLASHING OUT

THE INSIDER

Photos: Thinkstock, TNT

LIVE IT UP IN VIETNAM Spend eight nights in the lap of Far Eastern luxury.

This trip costs £1425pp with Western and Oriental Travel (020 76661234; wandotravel.com).

Includes flights and transfers, plus five-star, B&B accommodation at the Fusion Maia Resort in Danang. Two spa therapies a day are also included in the price. Departs any time.

STEPHANIE HAYS Marketing executive G Adventures

My first big tip was two months spent backpacking around Europe on a rail pass with my best friend.

My most challenging travel experience was having to ride a horse for six hours while incredibly ill during a ger stay in Mongolia.

My favourite place in the world is the city I talk non-stop about: my hometown, Chattanooga, Tennessee! You can’t beat its southern charm.

The next trip on my travel wishlist is a massive train journey from London to India – I’d love to do that.

My guilty travel pleasure is taking inspiration from [TV chef] Anthony Bourdain and the places he visits in his travel and food show, No Reservations.

My top travel tip is always wander into grocery stores and markets. Trying new dishes is my favourite part of travelling and you can learn a lot about a place through its food.

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Clockwise: one of many Christmas markets in Berlin; Brusselsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; festive glowing tree; baubles in Denmark; and traditional stollen in Germany [Caption]

Christmas markets EUROPE

[Caption] 74

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SHORTBREAK

Corner the market Glug glühwein, snap up stocking fillers and munch on all those delectable Christmas goodies at Europe’s big festive markets WORDS MATTHEW DURRANT

It’s everyone’s favourite pre-Christmas tradition: using the cold weather as an excuse to get hammered on mulled wine before noon, then staggering around buying anything remotely festive, from ludicrously expensive hand-carved wooden reindeer to oven gloves with Santa’s face printed on (Granny will love ‘em). Yep, it’s Christmas market time.

But it’s not all baubles and bells – some of Europe’s Christmas markets are pulling out all the stops this year to offer a more up-to-date experience. You can expect to find everything from firebreathing to saucy cabaret at this year’s events. So wrap up warm and take your pick from the best markets of the festive season.

Vienna: Christkindlmarkt The biggest and best market in Vienna is Christkindlmarkt, outside the City Hall in Rathausplatz. Three million visitors pass through each year to see the square transformed into a winter idyll: the windows of the Rathaus (town hall) become a gigantic advent calendar, painted by local artists, and are revealed one by one throughout December. When you’re not stuffing your shopping bags with Christmas trinkets, you can take a ride on horse-drawn carriages, watch the puppet shows or listen to choirs of carol singers. The market runs from November 17 until Christmas Eve. SEE: One highlight is the Heart Tree, a popular meeting spot for lovers which is adorned with – you guessed it – bright red glowing love hearts.

EAT: Try the hot marzipan punch with roasted chestnuts and Viennese wurst.

BUY: Grab some hot glühwein (mulled wine) and take home the mug, which comes decorated with images of famous Austrians and Vienna landmarks. christkindlmarkt.at

tower of the Brussels Town Hall in sparkling light displays.

At Place Sainte Catherine, there’s an ice rink and, above the stalls in the market, a towering Ferris wheel offers amazing views across the capital.

SEE: The 250 quaint wooden chalets that look like full-sized gingerbread houses, with snow-topped roofs, draped with fairy lights.

EAT: Stalls sell moules marinière (mussels) and escargot (snails) with crusty bread. For a sweet treat, munch on Belgian speciality Speculoos, Flemish shortcrust Christmas biscuit often shaped like a Santa.

BUY: Roasted chestnuts, Russian dolls, cuddly bears and handmade Christmas decorations. plaisirsdhiver.be

Prague: Christmas Market A most picturesque sight in Prague is the Christmas Market in the Old Town Square. It’s best visited by night when covered in golden fairy lights and the huge Christmas tree, shipped in from the Krkonoše Mountains, is all lit up. Aww. ››

Brussels: Winter Wonders Winter Wonders stretches a full 2km across the Belgian capital’s landmarks including Place Sainte Catherine, the Grand Place, the Bourse and Marché aux Poissons. Running from November 30 until January 6, 2013, it’s as much about the festivities as the shopping. You’re absolutely guaranteed a seasonably warm and gooey feeling inside when you see the huge Christmas tree in the Grand Place, and the ‘Son et lumière’ show, with its music and projections bathing the

Take a spin: Berlin’s Ferris wheel TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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Miklaus, the Czech Santa, is likely to pay a visit to the market, too, which runs from December 3 to January 1, 2013.

SEE: For the best view of the whole market, take a ride on the Ferris wheel. Just don’t eat too many Christmas treats first (see below) – it could get messy.

EAT: Food on offer includes trdelník, a ring of sweet pastry baked around a cylinder and topped with chopped walnuts.

BUY: Shoppers snap up Czech glassware in the form of Christmas baubles, ornaments and hand-made jewellery. pragueexperience.com

MARKET MADNESS XMAS WITH A TWIST “You want one bike, right, Billy?

Just the one?”

Berlin: Gendarmenmarkt You can barely turn a corner in Berlin in December without finding yourself smack-bang in the middle of a Christmas market – the town is full of ‘em. There are over 50 on this year, including the WeihnachtsZauber at Gendarmenmarkt, which is one of the biggest. Held between November 26 and December 31, this is as much a contemporary Crimbo show as a market, with firebreathers, jugglers, jazz musicians and dancers performing in the square.

SEE: The craftsmen tent, where you can watch toymakers, goldsmiths and wood carvers at work. If only they were wearing Santa’s elf costumes...

EAT: Germany is home to some of the best Christmas edibles, and you’ll find them all here, including lebkuchen (soft, cinnamon-flavoured biscuits) and stollen (festive fruit cake).

BUY: How about a traditional Christmas pyramid, a bizarre wooden contraption that uses heat from tealights to rotate a windmill – it’s one of many creative handicrafts for sale. gendarmenmarktberlin.de

Copenhagen: Tivoli Gardens Easily the most wacky of the European batch, from the annual Crazy Christmas Cabaret, which is to be Hitchcockthemed this year, to the swarms of girls dressed as nisse (Danish Christmas pixie). Last year there was a mini Moscow built for visitors to explore, which included an homage to Saint Basil’s Cathedral. Organisers are keeping this year’s amusements under wraps for now, but have promised that the Russian theme will continue this year. The market runs from November 16 to December 30.

SEE: The installation of 500,000 twinkling fairy lights.

EAT: Apple pancakes and mulled wine are the perfect combo.

BUY: Hand-knitted mittens, socks and hats, and knitted jumpers, just like those made famous by Denmark’s fave detective, The Killing’s Sofie Gråbøl. visitcopenhagen.com ❚

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PERVY XMAS IN HAMBURG What: Sleazy santas, handcuffs lined in festive fur and slinky stockings (as opposed to the hang-above-thefireplace variety) are all on offer at the Christmas market in Hamburg’s Reeperbahn red light district – it calls itself the world’s only sexy festive market. Located on Spielbudenplatz, the salacious Santa Pauli Christmas Market is staffed with scantily clad ladies selling mulled wine to the punters.

When: Runs November 22-December 23. hamburg-einkaufszentrum.de FENG SHUI IN GLADBACH What: Lots of people feel highly strung around Christmas time, what with all the present-buying stresses. But not the happy chaps in west Germany’s Bergisch Gladbach.

There’s not a hint of bad energy at their Christmas market, because it’s all done Feng Shui style. Stalls are arranged in accordance with ancient Feng Shui principles of grouping elements together: stalls selling wooden knick-knacks or paper decorations are sold together in the wood area, while you’ll find the roasted chestnuts or freshly baked goods in the fire section. Now that’s Christmas harmony.

When: Runs December 14-16. schlossbensberg.com SUNSHINE IN BARCELONA What: Ever fancied strolling around a Christmas market in warm weather? Head to Barcelona, where bright sunshine beats down on the ‘Fira de Santa Llúcia’. Visit for the festive parades and handcrafted Catalan decorations.

This market is also famous for selling the ‘figures de pessebre.’ Grab shepherds, camels and baby Jesus, and less conventional images, such as the guy taking a dump.

When: Runs November 26-December 22. barcelona-tourist-guide.com

Photos: Getty, Thinkstock

Vienna: shopping in the snow

Bored of Christmas conventions? Can’t bear to see another bauble? Visit one of these festive celebrations with a difference.

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Bombay mix This is Mumbai in 48 hours WORDS MATTHEW DURRANT

DAY 1: 9:00 If there’s one city capable of challenging even the most intrepid traveller, it’s Mumbai. The subcontinent’s most populous metropolis is a frantic mix of skyscrapers and slums, an intoxicating attack on the senses that bounces the visitor from traffic-clogged streets to sweat-soaked nightclubs by way of stinking open sewers. Throw yourself into the mix by haggling for a street food breakfast. Walas (vendors) can be found on every street corner, but you’re guaranteed a good selection along Colaba Causeway. Try vada pav (about 10p); this spiced fried potato in bread is a Mumbaikar take on the veggie burger. Wash it down with a cup of chai – milky, sugary tea for about 5p. Bargain.

10:00 Walk from here to the Gateway of India: an 85fthigh arch built to commemorate King George V’s visit in 1911. The dramatic landmark is so named because it was the first glimpse of Mumbai for those arriving by boat.

11:00 Hop on the ferry from the Gateway of India and take the 45-minute ride to Elephanta Island (£1.20 return trip, plus £3 entry) to marvel at the Elephanta Caves. There are two sets, one Hindu and one Buddhist. Both boast ancient stone carvings, some of which date back to 5AD. Watch out for the monkeys that live on the island; they’ll fearlessly snatch snacks out of your hand if you’re not careful.

14:30 Back in the city, head for a lunch of Indian, Chinese or continental grub at the legendary Leopold Cafe (meals from £2, leopoldcafe.com), which is an institution for backpackers and expats.

15:30 Time to take in some art. Flag down a rickshaw, and ask to be taken to the Jehangir Art Gallery (entry free, 78

jehangirartgallery.com) in the Kala Ghoda Art Precinct, a district full of museums and galleries. Celebrating its 60th birthday this year, the Jehangir displays contemporary Indian works. Outside is the Pavement Gallery, where you can chat to young artists who display their art along the road.

18:00 Grab dinner at Jehangir’s restaurant, The Samovar (meals from £3). The colonial-era decor and manicured grounds of the neighbouring Prince of Wales Museum give a sense of what old Bombay might have been like.

20:00 Pop into the relaxed Woodside Inn (beer £2.60, cocktails £3.50, woodsideinn.in) for an after-dinner tipple. This cosy spot is always full of chatty regulars.

22:00 Once you’ve had a few, move onto Bonobo (cocktails from £4.65, beer £1.50, bonobo.co.in).

This classy, compact bar is a hit for its impressive cocktail selection: if the menu isn’t enough for you, you’re even allowed to mix your own at their “interactive bar”.

DAY 2: 10:00 After spending the night at Traveller’s Inn (dorm beds from £6pn, hoteltravellersinn.co), soak up the booze at Cafe Basilico (cafebasilico.com, from £3.50). They do a mean eggs Benedict, perfect for lining the stomach if you’re still feeling a little fragile from last night.

11:00 Now shop up a storm at Chor Market (Mutton Street), where among the heaps of junk and tourist tat you’ll find some brilliant souvenirs such as old Bollywood movie posters. These should cost you about £3.50 each – as long as you use your best haggling skills.

13:30 It’s been a hard morning of pounding the pavements, so treat yourself to lunch at swanky restaurant Olive (mains

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Mumbai’s nightlife goes on ‘til late

Photos: Getty

from £6, olivebarandkitchen.com), which offers a Sunday brunch menu of Mediterranean fare from top chef Manu Chandra.

14:30 Now you’ve refuelled, it’s time to dip into Mumbai’s spiritual side. Haji Ali Dargah (hajialidargah.in) is a prestigious landmark. The complex of domes and minarets, open to all, entombs a Muslim saint, and up to 30,000 devotees come here to pray at the weekends. You can only reach it by crossing a narrow pathway during low tide.

15:30 Next, visit one of Mumbai’s colourful Hindu temples.

Siddhivinayak Temple (entry free, siddhivinayak.org) is where Lord Ganesha, the elephant-headed destroyer of obstacles, is enshrined.

16:30 Time to get out in the sunshine at Marine Drive Chowpatty, one of the city’s cleanest beaches. You’ll receive some stares if you try and sunbathe here, though, especially if you’re female. Wander along the sand snacking on a cone of bhel puri instead – a mix of puffed rice and vegetables sold by street vendors.

18:00 Get a hearty curry down you in Copper Chimney, (12-A, Lotus Court, Dr. Annie Besant Road, tel +91 22 2492 5353), which serves some great paneer makhanwala – cottage cheese in a buttery tomato-based sauce.

20:00 Splash out on a final cocktail at Mumbai’s most scenic bar, Aer, where you can gaze at the skyline over a drink or two (cocktails approx £8, fourseasons.com).

Fly direct from London Heathrow to Mumbai with Air India from £772 return book.airindia.in

Chowpatty Beach is one of the prettiest

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Ouch: traditional Samoan tattoos

SAMOA Savai’i Manono Island

APIA

Samoa POLYNESIA

GETTING THERE Virgin Atlantic flies from London Heathrow to Sydney from £1270 return. Catch a connecting flight from Sydney to Apia with Virgin Samoa from £192 return. virgin-atlantic.com virginsamoa.com

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Pleasure and pain Want to see really badass tattoos? Head to the idyllic islands of Samoa, where the body art is as eye-popping as the scenery WORDS KATIE SPAIN

WHEN TO GO: It’s best to visit Samoa between May and October’s so great that death might seem an easier The man whimpers as he is dragged into the dry season – this is also when most option. Six strong assistants had to hold Chris Pacific, screaming as the salty water laps at his red, raw buttocks. Tears spring to his eyes of the major festivals are. Christmas down while the revered tattoo artist went and New Year gets busy as many as a team of villagers support his limp body, to work. “It was the worst decision of my Samoans who live abroad return firmly holding him in place. Around them, life,” admits the strapping Samoan. But with home for the festivities. a group of children slap the water to keep its bloody completion came his transition a frenzy of butt-flesh-hungry fish at bay. “At from boyhood to manhood, and a vow of CURRENCY: £1 = WST3.67 this point I was pleading to god to give me dedication to his family, village and country.

(Samoan Tala) a heart attack so I could die,” Chris Solomona ACCOMMODATION: Find This, in a nutshell, is the beauty of Samoa. tells me, recalling the scene from more than Traditional tattoo torment isn’t for everyone, modest, closed beachfront fales 15 years ago. “A lot of men commit suicide but a strong sense of local pride, family and at Taufua Beach Fales, or an open after the first section of a full-body tattoo.” culture is. option for a night with the breeze I’m sitting in the middle of Samoa Cultural So too is a slow-paced way of life, as I in your hair (samoabeachfales.com).

Village – a collection of small, open coastal find out the day before when I’m met at From £18pppn based on three huts (fales) showcasing more than 3000 the airport by my talkative guide, Anthony, or four sharing. Overnight stays years of Samoan history. Nearby, women and briefly introduced to local road rules. So include dinner and breakfast. weave intricate coconut leaf baskets while laid-back are the cheery island drivers, the SEE: samoa.travel.com men rub sticks together to make fire. Chris is change from driving on the right-hand side devoted to teaching visitors about Samoan customs and of the road to the left, ordered by the Samoan government his culture runs deep. in 2009, didn’t cause the mayhem you might expect. Anthony The 45-year-old absent-mindedly rubs his buttocks as he chuckles: “Accidents? Nope… we’re too relaxed for that!” continues his story. The memories of his painful tattoo are Despite his insistence that island motoring is a seaside obviously as clear to him as the blue waters which surround breeze, the 45-minute journey from the airport to Apia his Samoan Islands archipelago. seems wild and unpredictable to me. Kamikaze chickens, Chris endured the gruelling process in 1998, aged 31. The roaming pigs, daredevil domestic dogs and the occasional 12 sections of his complex body art took up to six hours each human spring from the overgrown roadsides, darting across to complete and, despite warnings from his grandfather, Chris the road without a sidewards glance. It’s like Super Mario went through four weeks of “agony, pain and pure hell”.

Cart without the point system. No wonder the Samoans stick The traditional tattoo covers approximately half of his to the 55kmph speed limit. Surprisingly, roadkill is rare body – crescent moon shapes run from the hip bones down – a swift toot is apparently enough to keep beasts at bay. to the pelvis, his bottom is covered and it extends to his Even the hairy roads don’t stop me from taking in the kneecaps, and he has intricate patterns all the way down scenery we pass. Artists would have a field day painting the his right arm. vibrant Samoan landscape – if they had the palette for it, As he whips out the implements used to mark his body, that is. While Apia provides Upolu island’s biggest spread I grab my own posterior in sympathy. There’s not a needle of restaurants, bars and nightclubs, I find the real optical in sight. Instead, he shows me sharp tattooing combs made smorgasbord off the beaten track. of boar’s tusk and turtle shell plate, and candlenut soot My retinas are overwhelmed by an onslaught of colour as used for the tattoo pigment. The combs are hit like a chisel Anthony steers his 4WD through backroads filled with vivid with a 23-inch-long mallet and the pain, Chris reiterates, red and green tropical plants, fruit stalls and eye-poppingly is intense. Once inking begins, there’s no looking back; bright clothing hanging on washing lines. There’s pride in his failure to complete the full dozen sections results in shame voice as Anthony points out his home and, like all young ›› TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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Clockwise: making fire with wood and grass; a colourful ride to Apia; a traditional tattoo Samoans, shows beloved devotion to both his parents. It’s enough to make a traveller feel guilty about not calling her own more often.

There are 366 villages in Samoa, each with a chief and usually at least two churches. Religion is extremely important and, for this reason, the place shuts down on Sundays. “If you ever have a one-day stop in Samoa make sure it’s not a Sunday!” Anthony chuckles.

Houses dot the landscape, each dwelling a unique work of art. Bright yellow roofs, orange bricks, blue windowpanes, pink verandas and green railings abound. “We like colour,” Anthony says, stating the obvious. Elaborate gravestones sit in front of homes, shrine-like in their size and grandeur.

Family members buried a stone’s throw from the front door is both a sign of respect and a show of generations of property ownership.

The rainbow abodes are a spectacular sight. Our destination, however, is a more European affair. Robert Louis Stevenson’s towering white mansion is now a historic homage to the late Scottish author of Treasure Island. The sickly writer and his family moved to the island so the climate would ease his tuberculosis symptoms. The Samoans fell in love with the good-natured white man – and he with them.

Anthony lures me up the neighbouring Mount Vaea, on top of which Stevenson was laid to rest. “How did the… village people drag... that coffin up here?” I gasp. Pure willpower and adoration, it seems. But once we’re at the top, the urge to vomit from exhaustion is suppressed by the view – exotic plants and trees that stretch as far as the distant blue sea. No wonder Stevenson loved this joint so much.

Our next stop is on the far side of Upolu island’s south east coast, where expats Wendy and Chris Booth run the 82

Seabreeze Resort (seabreezesamoa.com; double rooms from £166pn). Like Stevenson, the pair fell head over heels with Samoa and set up their high-end lagoon-fronted resort in 2007. Australian builder Chris and his wife Wendy’s dream nearly came to an end in 2009, when a wave of earthquakes cause a devastating tsunami which decimated the island.

“We were here in the honeymoon suite when it hit,” Chris says. “We held on to trees to stop [ourselves] from washing away.” The suite, award-winning restaurant and adjacent

Fale safe: a hard-to-beat bedroom view

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rooms weren’t so lucky. Standing in the newly rebuilt deluxe suite, it’s hard to imagine the extent of what happened here, but Chris says he and Wendy were determined to stay put: “Leaving didn’t cross our mind – it could be a thousand years before the next one – and we love it here.”

Further along the coast, I chat to Koroseta Legalo, the owner of family-run business Faofao Beach Fales (chalets from £19pn; wsamoa.ws), who also lost much of her livelihood.

“We didn’t have any warning… we saw the water sucked out to sea and ran,” she says. But in spite of the painful memories, today she is all smiles, the disaster far behind her.

Fales, the traditional Samoan huts, are encased only with banana leaf thatching. I’m to spend the night in one and I can’t lie, I’m petrified about having little but foliage between me and the waves. But despite an offer to bed down in the alternative multi-storey accommodation block, I decline. This

“

Tattoos are done with a huge mallet

Nice by nature: Savage is a big cheerleader for Samoa

”

Samoan experience can’t be passed up and so I bunker down in the open air. It’s such a refreshing night’s sleep that with first light comes a fear conquered, a crab in my trainers and a vow to do it again. A chance comes sooner than expected, as fale dwelling is the sole form of accommodation available on Manono Island, a tiny dot between Upolu and Samoa’s other main island Savai’i, accessible only by a 20-minute ride in a small tin boat that I catch from the Manono-uta jetty the next day. This place is the epitome of simple, Samoan living – there are no dogs, no cars and a minimum of technology.

It’s even tough to find a shop selling bottled water, but red cordial-filled plastic bags seem to generally suffice for hydration purposes.

A stroll around the island takes 90 minutes – longer if you stop and oblige the endless stream of children pleading “Pue-ata” (“capture my smile!”). As I explore, I find myself almost overwhelmed by this sleepy, remote world.

As darkness falls, three bedraggled European travellers ››

The insider's guide New Zealand-based hip-hop artist Savage grew up in Uafato, Samoa. Despite his success in Oz and the US, he returns home to visit and perform as often as he can.

Where do you go to party?

Raggamuffin Teuila Festival (teuilafestival.com). It’s on every year and is very important for Samoan people – we have amazing music here, it’s just that the world hasn’t heard it yet. Polynesians are very tied to their music. The world has seen that we love our sports, but they haven’t yet seen our Lil’ Waynes and our Drakes. It’s good to be back home, especially on such a beautiful island.

What makes Samoa stand out from other countries?

The people here are very friendly, polite and traditional, so when it comes to a feast you have to be prepared to eat as much as you can – it’s just the Samoan way. At the end of the day I always promote Samoa – I always tell people to tick it off their list. You don’t know beauty until you’ve seen Samoa, so that’s why I love coming back here.

What are Samoa’s best-kept secrets?

Samoa is a beautiful island – rich in so many things.

Where I’m from, Uafato [on Upolo], there are beach fales so you can experience what it’s like to live in an environment with a view of a beautiful coral reef.

Samoa has beautiful waterfalls – a great example is a place like Sliding Rocks, you won’t get that anywhere else in the world. [It’s possible to just sit at the top of the waterfall and slide all the way down]. I’ve never heard of sliding rocks anywhere but Samoa. I grew up swimming there every weekend with my family.

Sliding Rocks Waterfall (Papase’ea) is a 15-minute drive from Apia. Open Monday-Saturday 8am-5.30pm and Sunday 11am-6pm. Adult entrance fee £1.35. samoa.travel/sightseeing

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emerge from the sea, dripping wet, with freshly caught tuna in hand. Their boat is moored a few hundred metres out and they’ve decided to swim ashore. Islanders welcome them without hesitation, and we all sit around a star-lit table to dine together. Generosity seems to come naturally to the Samoans we’re eating with and, when it comes to physique, big is beautiful here, so there’s no option but to abandon concerns about your girth and go with it. We all dig into a feast of fresh lobster, battered tuna steaks and local delicacy oka (raw fish in lemon and coconut milk), which everyone shares. Maybe it’s the stunningly fresh food, the cheerful company or just the picturesque island setting, but this is definitely one of the most memorable meals I’ve ever had.

I return to the mainland the next morning to catch my flight home, feeling a little heartbroken to have to say goodbye. As the plane takes off, a pair of fishermen abandon their hooks, look up and wave at my plane. By this stage, such a farewell doesn’t even seem remarkable. Genuinely enthusiastic from “talofa” to “tofa soifua” (Gagana Samoan for hello and goodbye), these people are beyond welcoming and happy to share their world with the rest of the globe.

I look forward to my next chance to revel in its simplicity. ❚

Sunday best: church plays an integral role in life in Samoa

Alofaaga Blowholes

BEST OF THE REST GET WET Photos: Katie Spain,Samoa Tourism, Thinkstock, Getty

TOGITOGIGA A trip to Samoa isn’t complete without a plunge into some fresh, cool waterfalls, and you’ve got plenty of spots to choose from. At Togitogiga Waterfalls on Upolo, swimming holes and lush gardens separate the cascades. There are also picnic and changing facilities here, so you can spend the whole day.

AFU AAU FALLS On Savai’i island, which is a 22km ferry ride from Upolo, you can visit Afu Aau, which is also known as Olemoe Falls. It plunges from the rainforest into a deep, fresh water swimming pool.

Ouch: Chris shows the writer his tats

NEXT WEEK

ALOFAAGA BLOWHOLES Savai’i is also home to the Alofaaga Blowholes, where jets of water powered by waves spring hundreds of feet up into the air. Samoans like to chuck coconuts into the jets to watch them get blasted into the sky. samoa.travel 84

Biking Nepal: Working up a sweat in the mountains Tropical flora

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Includes Christmas markets around Europe and New Years in Paris!

Plus loads more festive & winter trips online...

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europe

we

FAVOURITE EAST EUROPE & FESTIVAL TOUR OPERATOR 2012

Egypt CHRISTMAS IN PARIS 4 DAYS £349

FESTIVE PARTY TREK 11 DAYS £699

DEPARTS LONDON 24 DECEMBER

(STUDENTS £674)

INCLUSIONS: Busabout Guide, Return coach and

DEPARTS 22 DECEMBER CZECH REPUBLIC, AUSTRIA, SLOVAKIA, HUNGARY & POLAND

ferry from London to Paris, 3 nights accommodation, 3 breakfasts, Welcome dinner and drink, Paris by night tour by coach, trip to Palace of Versailles with picnic lunch, Christmas dinner, bike tour and river cruise, FREE Lonely Planet guidebook

20% * OFF

ONE-WAY EGYPT 10 DAYS SAVE £128 WAS £638 NOW £510 Cairo, Pyramids Of Giza, Valley Of The Kings & Dahab DEPARTS 10, 24 NOV & 8, 22 DEC * Book by 11 NOV. Enter promocode ‘egypt’.

Morocco

OPTION 1: Prague to Krakow OPTION 2: Krakow to Prague INCLUSIONS: All transportation with Busabout Guide, 10 nights accommodation and breakfasts, Tour of Auschwitz and Birkenau, Walking tour of Krakow, Christmas and Christmas Eve dinner, Vienna Schnapps museum, FREE Lonely Planet guidebook

MARRAKECH & SAHARA 8 DAYS £574 Marrakech, Gorge Du Dades, Todra Gorge, Sahara Desert Camel Trek & Ouarzazate DEPARTS 10, 24 NOV & 8, 23 DEC MARRAKECH ENCOMPASSED 15 DAYS £834 Marrakech, Rabat, Meknes, Chefchaouen, Fes, Mildelt, Sahara Desert Camel Trek, Ait Benhaddou & Essaouira DEPARTS 17 NOV & 1, 23 DEC

NEW YEAR IN AMSTERDAM 4 DAYS £369 DEPARTS LONDON 30 DECEMBER INCLUSIONS: Busabout Guide, Return coach

and ferry from London to Amsterdam, 3 nights accommodation, 3 breakfasts, 1 dinner, orientation walk of Amsterdam town and country bike tour, canal cruise around Amsterdam, FREE Lonely Planet guidebook

NEWS & VIEWS

FOLLOW US

WATCH CLIPS

/BUSABOUTeurope

@busabout

/BusaboutTV

TAKE A TRADITIONAL CROATIAN CRUISER WITH ITS LOCAL CREW, THE WARM, CRYSTAL CLEAR WATERS OF THE ADRIATIC, A BUNCH OF TRAVELLERS SEEKING FUN AND ADVENTURE AND ADD A BUSABOUT GUIDE. THE RESULT? ONLY ONE OF THE BEST WEEKS OF YOUR LIFE…..

Croatia Island Hopper

s Anchor up and jump off the boat into the Adriatic

8 DAYS FROM £383 Departs Split (May – September)

s Sit back with a local beer and

Croatia One-Way Sail

s

8 DAYS FROM £398 Departs Split or Dubrovnik (May – September)

INCLUSIONS: 7 nights’ accommodation, 7 breakfasts, 7 lunches, fuel supplement, island orientation walks, orientations of Split and Dubrovnik, English speaking Busabout Guide and expert local crew.

ay On e-Wers!

Pio n e

08450 267 514 TNT_1523_Travel.indd 98

Highlights

s

s

watch the yachts come in at Hvar Sipping cocktails at the top of a 14th century tower in Krocula Hike to a pirate fortress for panoramic views of Dalmatia Captain the Pirate Cruiser as it sails along the Dalmatian coast

www.busabout.com

20% * OFF E

SAV 63 1 UP TO £ ures.

13 depart * Valid on all 20e ‘earlybird2013’. od oc om pr Enter Book by 11 NOV.

info@busabout.com 2/11/12 09:54:20

FAVOURITE SCOTLAND & IRELAND TOUR OPERATOR 2012

SAVE UP TO £

* Valid on all 2012 departures. Book by 11 NOV. Enter promocode ‘wintersale’

“THE BEST TIME OF MY LIFE” @adventurouskate

3

SKYE HIGH DAYS (MON, WED, FRI & SAT) £115 NOW £98 (STUDENTS NOW £93)

FESTIVE

DO IT RIGHT plu ENG s L & WA AND LES

Loch Ness, Isle of Skye & North West Highlands

Isle of Skye, Loch Ness & Glencoe

DOING IT ONCE? PASSIONATE LOCAL SCOTTISH GUIDES

5

HIGHLAND FLING DAYS (MON ) £189 NOW £161 (STUDENTS NOW £152)

TRAVEL

15% OFF 28

*

15% OFF

FREE

LONELY PLANET GUIDEBOOK

GUARANTEED DEPARTURES

*

* SSAVE

SAVE UPTO £66 HIGHLAND CHRISTMAS* & HOGMANAY

&HUWL¿FDWH RI ([FHOOHQFH 2012

Haggis Day Adventures

STUDENT DISCOUNTS

Our Legendary Festive trips! Experience a Scottish Christmas in a Royal Highland Hotel.

PREFERRED BY STA TRAVEL & FLIGHT CENTRE GLOBALLY

MEGA HIGHLAND CHRISTMAS WAS £439 NOW £373 DEPARTS EDINBURGH 24 DECEMBER - 5 DAYS

JOIN US

FOLLOW US

/HAGGiSadventures

@HAGGiSadventures

All accommodation and breakfasts / Packed lunches on 25th and 26th December / Mulled wine on arrival to the Royal Highland Hotel / Christmas Eve dinner and exclusive night club entry / Christmas dinner and wine / A traditional Scottish Ceilidh INCLUSIONS:

ROYAL HIGHLAND CHRISTMAS WAS £315 NOW £268 DEPART EDINBURGH 24 DECEMBER - 3 DAYS INCLUSIONS:

15% OFF SAVE UPTO £32

HOGMANAY & HIGHLANDS

*

Valid on all 2012 departures. Book by 11 November. Enter promocode ‘wintersale’

FREE F WAS £215 NOW £183 (Students NOW £174) STUF

CELTIC ROCKER 5 DAYS (Mon)

H WORT

BLARNEY CASTLE, CLIFFS OF MOHER, KILLARNEY, INIS MÓR/CONNEMARA

UP TO

€66

Includes FREE entry to: Blarney Castle & Cliffs of Moher

SOUTHERN ROCKER * 3 DAYS (Fri) WAS £125 NOW £106(Students NOW £101) BLARNEY CASTLE, CLIFFS OF MOHER, GALWAY & DINGLE

As per 5 Day Mega Highland Christmas

Our legendary St. Patrick’s packages have been designed to give you an amazing time discovering our stunning country plus the chance to party with us Irish!

Includes FREE entry to: Blarney Castle & Cliffs of Moher

CELTIC WEEKENDER 2 DAYS (Sat) WAS £79 NOW £67(Students NOW £64)

£409 DEPARTS EDINBURGH 7 DAYS OPTION 1 – 27 DECEMBER Highlands then Hogmanay OPTION 2 – 29 DECEMBER Hogmanay then Highlands

2 nights hostel shared dorm on tour and 4 nights hostel shared dorm Edinburgh / 3 day Skye High adventure / Hogmanay Street Party Pass / Torchlight Procession / The legendary HAGGiS Ceilidh Night INCLUSIONS:

EDINBURGH HOGMANAY £349 EDINBURGH 29 DECEMBER - 5 DAYS

4 nights hostel shared dorm / Hogmanay Street Party Pass / Torchlight Procession / The legendary HAGGiS Ceilidh Night / Edinburgh walking tour / Highland Day trip / HAGGiS sponsored Loony Dook

INCLUSIONS:

HAGGIS HOGMANAY £349 DEPARTS LONDON 30 DECEMBER - 4 DAYS

Return coach travel from London / All accommodation / Hogmanay Street Party Pass / The legendary HAGGiS Ceilidh Night / Edinburgh walking tour / HAGGiS sponsored Loony Dook

INCLUSIONS:

* Valid on all 2012 departures. Book by 11 NOV. Enter promocode ‘wintersale’

BLARNEY CASTLE, ENNIS, CLIFFS OF MOHER, GALWAY Includes FREE entry to: Blarney Castle & Cliffs of Moher

FREE LONELY PLANET GUIDE

TNT_1523_Travel.indd 99

TEL: 08450 267 507 INFO@SHAMROCKERADVENTURES.COM

WWW.SHAMROCKERADVENTURES.COM

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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TRAVEL

EUROPE’S NUMBER 1

HOGMANAY NYE PARTY! ■ 3 Night Hostel

30 DEC-2 JAN

£219

✔ Stay in the heart of Edinburgh’s old town!

■ 3 Night Hotel

30 DEC-2 JAN

£249

✔ Choice of great Edinburgh hotels!

■ 4 Day Coach Tour

30 DEC-2 JAN

Hostel £289 Hotel £319 ✔ Coaches depart London Sunday morning ✔ Return Wednesday evening (2 Jan)

✔ Accom ideally located in the absolute heart of town ✔ Superb pubs, bars & clubs ✔ Experienced Fanatics tour reps ✔ Opening night Torchlight Procession & BBQ party ✔ NYE Street Party featuring live music, DJs & 80,000 people! ✔ New Year’s Day Loony Dook swim

FOOTBALL

RUGBY UNION WALLABIES & ALL BLACKS COME TO EUROPE THIS NOVEMBER ■ AUS v FRANCE Paris SAT 10 NOV £229 ■ AUS v ENGLAND Twickenham SAT 17 NOV £95 ■ AUS v ITALY Florence SAT 24 NOV £139 ■ NZ v WALES Cardiff SAT 24 NOV £149 ■ AUS v WALES Cardiff SAT 1 DEC £139 ✔ Match tickets ✔ Accom ✔ Transfers ✔ Merchandise

ENGLISH PREMIER LEAGUE GET BEHIND MARK SCHWARZER AND THE SW6 BOYS! ■ Fulham FC v Sunderland SUN 18 NOV 4PM £38 ■ Fulham FC v Tottenham SUN 1 DEC 3PM £55 ■ Fulham FC v Newcastle MON 10 DEC 4PM £43

SANTA PUB CRAWL JOIN OUR ANNUAL LONDON PUB CRAWL!

ANZAC DAY

SUNDAY 9 DECEMBER

£29

✔ Private red double-decker party bus

JOIN OUR HIGHLY ACCLAIMED ANZAC TOURS

CROATIA

GALLIPOLI TOURS ■ 3 Day Tour 24-26 APR £199 ■ 4 Day Tour 23-26 APR £239 ■ 5 Day Tour 22-26 APR £279 ■ 8/9 Day Tours 18-26 APR or 22-29 APR ■ 15/16 Day Tours 11-26 APR or 22 APR-6 MAY

WESTERN FRONT TOUR WWI French & Belgian Battlefields + Anzac Day Services ■ Eurostar Tour 24-26 APR £299 ■ Make Own Way 24-26 APR £279 ✔ Somme ✔ Villers-Bretonneaux ✔ Ypres ✔ Fromelles

2013 EARLY BIRD SPECIALS SUPERIOR CATEGORY BOATS AT UNBEATABLE PRICES! JUN-SEP fr£349 ■ 7 NIGHTS

£399 £599 NOW SELLING

2013 TOURS

■ PADDY’S DAY DUBLIN ■ RUNNING OF THE BULLS ■ CIAO ITALIA WEEKS ■ GREEK ISLANDS WEEKS ■ LA TOMATINA ■ OKTOBERFEST

15-18 MAR 5-15 JUL JUL-AUG JUL-AUG 26-29 AUG 21 SEP- 6 OCT

£189 fr£99 fr£299 fr£399 fr£159 fr£99

BOOK ONLINE NOW! www.thefanatics.com or call 0207 240 3223 COVENT GARDEN OFFICE 1st

Floor, 15 New Row, Covent Garden, WC2N 4LD Mon - Fri 9am - 6pm

100 TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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TRAVEL

10th

Annual

D THE ST AN E G G I B , THE GINAL I R O HE ST...T SKIFE

0m 18050m 27 nteed a Guarnow!

S

BEST!

2 1 0 2 S hristmas A c e it h w M X the ultimate NE W YE AR’S NYE higher than Kosciusko!

XMAS & PARIS NYE COMBO

NYE – COACH TOUR

■ SKIFEST XMAS + PARIS NYE 21 DEC-1 JAN

RISOUL, FRENCH ALPS 28 DEC-5 JAN

£649 (self-cater) £729 (all-inclusive)

£499

£579 (all-inc)

GROUP ✔ 7 Nights Risoul ✔ 3 Nights Paris DISCOUNT ✔ Coach London-Risoul-Paris-London

■ 9DAYTOUR (self-cater) ✔ Depart London Friday evening ✔ 6 days skiing

XMAS – COACH TOUR

NYE – FLIGHT TOUR

RISOUL, FRENCH ALPS 21-29 DEC

■ 7DAYTOUR

£479

£50

£549

(all-inc) (self-cater) ■ 9DAYTOUR ✔ Depart London Friday evening ✔ Gets back SAT 29 DEC ✔ 6 days skiing

£579 (self-cater) £649 (all-inc)

XMAS – MAKE YOUR OWN WAY RISOUL, FRENCH ALPS 22-29 DEC ■ 8DAYTOUR

oul!

NYE in Ris

NYE – MAKE YOUR OWN WAY 29 DEC-5 JAN

£399 (self-cater) £479 (all-inclusive)

RISOUL, FRENCH ALPS 22-29 DEC ■ 8DAYTOUR

29 DEC-4 JAN

£599 (self-cater) £679 (all-inclusive) ■ 8DAYTOUR

XMAS – FLIGHT TOUR

rs Day! o New Yea Going retr

£369 (self-cater) £439 (all-inc)

UNBEATABLE VALUE SUPERB GROUP ATMOSPHERE! !

TOP QUALITY SNOW

SKIFEST PRICE INCLUDES ✔ Return transport from London ✔ Optional b’fast & dinner daily in resort ✔ Ski lift pass ✔ Ski/Snowboard hire ✔ Skifest merchandise ✔ Legendary Skifest parties & theme nights ✔ Amazing Xmas & NYE celebrations

Unbeatable skiing

OUR SKI RESORT & ACCOM ✔ Self-contained apartments (sleeps 2-6) ✔ Balcony, kitchen, ensuite bathroom & WC ✔ High altitude resort 1,850m-2,750m ✔ Top quality snow & over 150km of piste ✔ Ski runs literally at our door step ✔ Funky resort bars, shops & restaurants

st!

Xmas Day @ Skife

Know before you go..... ✔ All Fanatics tours stay in self contained apartments ✔ We DO NOT use complexes designed for schools and youth groups ✔ We only use high altitude resorts with outstanding snow records www.thefanatics.com

BOOK ONLINE NOW!

www.skifest.co.uk or call 0207 240 3223

COVENT GARDEN OFFICE 1st

Floor, 15 New Row, Covent Garden, WC2N 4LD Mon-Fri 9am-6pm TNTMAGAZINE.COM 101

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TRAVEL

Travelling to Europe on a Walkabout?

Cover valid throughout EU and other countries* Cover available for Campers including Vans Cover for periods ranging from 15 days to 1 year No permanent address needed, documents can be emailed Overseas driving licence acceptable *for more detailed information visit

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Herts Insurance Consultants Ltd is authorised and regulated by the Financial Services Authority No 309073

102 TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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TRAVEL

UNBEATABLE PRICES WEEKEND BREAKS AND DAY TOURS With the African specialists Absolute Africa 30 years overlanding in Africa

WEEKEND BREAKS PARIS BY EUROSTAR from £225 9th & 23rd November. Return Eurostar travel & transfers, 2 nights B&B hotel accom, guided city sightseeing tour, plenty of free time & Tour Manager.

HOLLAND & BELGIUM from £171 16th Nov, 7th Dec. Return coach & ferry travel, visit to Amsterdam & Brugge, B&B + dinner & free bar hotel accom.

AMSTERDAM & BRUGGE from £170

A whole range of trips incl. game drives in the Masai Mara and the Serengeti, gorilla trekking, guided game walks, rhino trekking, evening game drives and so much more.

2nd November, 11th January. Return coach & ferry travel, sightseeing in Amsterdam & Brugge, 2 nights B&B hotel accommodation, visit to Cheese & Clog factory & Tour Manager.

www.absoluteafrica.com Phone: 0208 742 0226 Email: absaf@absoluteafrica.com

DAY TRIPS ¸ Sat 10th Nov A Day in Wales from

£50

¸ Fri 23rd Nov Brugge from £50 ¸ Sun 25th Nov Windsor & Hampton Court Palace from £41 ¸ Sat 1st Dec Brugge Christmas Markets

£45

PLUS Stonehenge & Bath EVERYDAY. From £50

Next Stop?

with entrances to Stonehenge & the Roman Baths included!

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Every Saturday & Sunday: * *NEW* Canterbury, Dover & Dover Castle

www.andersontours.co.uk or call 0207 436 9304 Follow us @andersontours

Anderson Tours is fully bonded

by Client Trust Account

Anderson Tours Travel Shop, 81 Charlotte Street, London W1T 4PP

CHRISTMAS & NEW YEAR TOURS Christmas Market Day Trips York by train - Sat 1st & 8th Dec £49 Brugge - Sat 1st & 8th Dec £49

Christmas Breaks Paris by Eurostar - Mon 24th - Thur 27th Dec £299

0808 141 2324

Post Christmas Break

www.1stcontact.com/clinic tntclinic@1stcontact.com

Paris & Disneyland - Thur 27th - Sat 29th Dec £199

41400

Castlewood House, 77/91 New Oxford Street, London WC1A 1DG, Tottenham Court Road, direct: 020 7759 5437 1st Contact Travel Clinic is registered by the Care Quality Commission. Registration number: E010000632. 1st Contact Travel Clinic is a registered Yellow Fever Vaccination Centre by the National Travel Health Network and Centre. Registration number: UKYFVC2800.

New Year Breaks Paris By Eurostar - Sat 29th Dec - Mon 1st Jan £299 BOOK ON ANDERSONTOURS.CO.UK OR CALL 0207 436 9304

TNTMAGAZINE.COM 103

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CHEFS/BAR/CATERING CHEF DE PARTIES AND ABOVE REQUIRED FOR ONGOING CASUAL WORK IN THE LEAD UP TO THE BUSY CHRISTMAS PERIOD

PROFESSIONAL CHEFS OF ALL LEVELS REQUIRED FOR FREELANCE WORK AND PERMANENT ROLES • £9-£16 per Hour Depending on Experience & Role • Weekly Pay • Flexible Hours • Day and Hourly Rates • Legality to Work and Health & Hygiene Certification Essential • Monthly Contracts • Self Employed and LTD Company Chef Welcome

Please send CV to: oliver.townsend@thechangegroup.com Tel: 0203 176 3748 www.thechangegroup.com We Do Not Use Umbrella Companies

Casual/ Freelance chef de parties and above needed for 5* Hotels, Restaurants and Event Caterers. £9 - £15 per hour

POP UP RESTAURANTS / FESTIVALS / 4-5 STAR HOTELS AND EVENT CATERERS lLtd Company and Self Employed Welcome lWeekly Pay lVaried Hours lOngoing Work lLevel 2 Hyg Cert lLegality to Work Ess. Apply by CV sarah@heatlondon.com | malin@heatlondon.com

Professional Chef de Parties required for Event Catering companies within Central London. £9.00-£12.50 p/h. Weekly pay, flexible hours, 7 days p/w.

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110 TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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GENERAL EMPLOYMENT

PP LY N O W

Career opportunities TNT is the market-leading magazine, new media and events brand serving UK-based Australian, New Zealand, South African and other international and young communities.

Drive, ambition, professionalism and a desire

TNT publishes a weekly magazine that’s been around for almost 30 years, and has a circulation of 50,000. It has vibrant interactive websites and puts on an impressive range of events from community parties and award celebrations to major exhibitions.

Telesales Executives

We have a number of job opportunities for people with attitudes and ambitions that match our own to join the team and help TNT into 2013 and its next phase of growth.

CLASSIFIEDS

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to succeed and earn rewards are prerequisites for these roles. Applicants will need to have the following:

» Sales and customer service skills » Articulate and able to make a high volume of outbound sales calls

» The drive to meet and exceed individual targets » Have proven organisational and computer skills » A genuine commitment to delivering outstanding customer service

» Experience in travel, recruitment or media

Digital Sales Executives

February 27-March 4 2012 Issue 1487 tntmagazine.com

» Knowledge of digital sales » Previous experience of working within a media or digital environment

» Proven history in new business development » A natural talent to see beyond the ordinary » Understanding of where online marketing fits in the

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CLASSIFIEDS

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We are Best Parties Ever Ltd and we run spectacular Christmas Parties from the end of November and throughout December in 19 venues across the UK.We promise you a fun environment in which to work, good rates of pay, free accommodation and free meals

Work starts late November and finishes before Christmas Day. To apply, meet up with us between 11.30am – 4pm for an informal interview on one of the following days, bringing with you a valid work visa and passport.

If you are unable to bring these items with you, we will not be able to interview you.

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112 TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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DESPERATELYSEEKING

follow us on

@tntmagazine

Post your message at tntmagazine.com/seeking or email seeking@tntmagazine.com. Text TNT and your message to 81707* listing in TNT about a club night.

Seven years later I love you more than ever, and I want you to be my wife. I thought it was only fitting to put the proposal in the mag. Rose – will you marry me? Johnny BIG RELIEF: To the horizontally gifted bloke on the Tube who said, “Sorry son, you got stuck next to the fat bloke.” Don’t apologise to anyone mate, I’d take you as a commute buddy any day over a sniffing, snorting, inconsiderate,

all the trimmings included for no more than £10. Brett WALLABY-GOOD: I’m so fucking pumped for the autumn rugby Test matches, especially the Wallabies games after we stopped being shit for a match against the All Blacks – we’ll take a draw any day against that lot! See you all in the stands at Twickenham and Cardiff getting smashed and cheering the golden boys on. Reckon we can come up

THINGS THE QUEEN SHOULD DO BEFORE SHE DIES

#503 Sneak into the haka demo by these kids at Auckland Grammar School

loud-talking, earphones blaring, bad-smelling fucktard – and there’s plenty of those kicking about.

Cheers, Murray CURRYING FAVOUR: How good is Brick Lane?! I went there the other day for a mate’s birthday and it’s just like Carlton’s Lygon St on some sort of Bollywood acid.

The spruikers are annoying as hell until you realise the ridiculous deals you can jag from them. Play them against each other, even though they’re all in cahoots, and accept nothing less than a couple of free bottles of cheap, shitty plonk and

with something other than “Aussie Aussie Aussie” as a chant, though?

It’s crap and everyone thinks we’re dickheads when we do it. Yatesy TRAIN PAIN: “Can you move down please?” are the words that ruin my journey to work. Packed together in the carriage in a fashion that would make sardines wince, if we could move down we would! So leave your polite passive aggressiveness on the platform! JT CLOCK SHOCK: The clocks going back is rubbish. Annoying, irritating, confusing and utterly pointless. Fair enough, we get an

extra hour in bed once a year, but for months of the winter it gets dark earlier, which is all kinds of pants and it is all the fault of some Kiwi, apparently. Damn you!!! Andy GETTING FREAKY: To the girl doing something obscene with a pumpkin on the train to Surbiton last week. I love you, please be my wife, you crazy-ass witchy woman.

Love, Davros GOOD NOSH: Nuff respect to the Jumbuck’s pie competition gobblers at TNT Travel Show, you greedy awesome asbestos-mouthed beauties. Hazza LOVESICK: To the guy I met on a first internet date and then proceeded to get absolutely ratarsed with in Vauxhall ‘cos I was so nervous – I am sorry for puking all that orange stuff on your nice shiny new trainers. Presume second date is off the cards? Sharla SECRET SHAG: Use me for sex will you? And get back your fella on the Monday? Not on my watch.

Phil, she was with me on Saturday night, and Sunday morning, and that noise you could hear in the background when you rang – well, it’s not legal in many countries.

Gordon SEX SHOW: To the couple who likes to have sex in the window of their flat above a particular chicken shop on the Kingsland Road, thanks. Your exhibitionist bonking is really something to look forward to on my commute home. Jackie DIRTY BIRD: KA, just wanted to say you are the best girlfriend ever. You are so fucking filthy I can hardly believe my luck! JD

*Messages cost 25p each + standard network rate. 18+ bill payers only. Send STOP to end. Number may show on bill. A2B 08700460138

Photos: Getty

SQUEAKY CLEAN: Terrence, have you been using the pink toothbrush in the bathroom? It’s mine! Which means the bristles that have been scouring gunge off your yellowy pegs have been in my mouth too – the thought sickens me so much I might have to move out. Bleurgh! Flo GOT THE GIGGLES: To the girl that’s always at the Drayton Park stop around 8am – was that your boyf on Monday? How do you stand listening to his squealy high pitched laugh all the time? Leave him for me. I’m all man. Ben BORN TO RUN: Highgate woods jogger, you are hard as nails – must have lapped me twice last Sunday and didn’t even look out of breath. Want to take a break on a park bench with me one of these weekends? Suzie JOLLY GREENGROCER: Every day you make me smile as I walk past Finsbury Park Tube with your big cockney accent shouting out cheeky comments to passersby.

I do want to come over and check out your mangoes, I do want to squeeze your banana and, yes, I am feeling fruity. Sally BAD BOYS: I’ve a thing for bad boys with back-to-front baseball caps and big trainers. It’s weird as I’m a bank clerk and very sensible.

Anyway, if there’s anyone out there that fits the description – get in touch! I don’t know where to find you, and I’m too shy to wander into a hip-hop battle in Brixton by myself. Jane DREAM GIRL: We met seven years ago, both having read a

114 TNTMAGAZINE.COM

1523 FINAL Desperately Seeking.i114 114

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