TNT Magazine / Issue 1524 by TNT Magazine

November 12-18 2012 Issue 1524 tntmagazine.com

HOUR-LONG ADVENTURES Sexing up workday winter lunchtimes

‘MY FIRST THREESOME’ Jay and Silent Bob’s louder half speaks

WIN!

TICKETS TO THE MAGIC OF MOTOWN AT INDIGO2

THRILL RIDE IN NEPAL The Himalayas by bike and elephant

L L O R ’ N ‘ K ROC rby rumble e d r e ll o r a t est chicks a h g u o t ’s n o d We join Lon

+ MAORI ALL BLACKS SECRET SCOTLAND SKI IN MORZINE LATE TRAVEL DEALS TNT 1524 Cover.indd 1

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Europe in winter

EuroHotel

EuroClub

Dep. 11 & 15 Dec 2012

Dep.2 & 14 Dec 2012

24 DAY Winter Spirit

Includes Paris, Rome, Salzburg, Prague, plus more!

Includes Paris, Swiss Alps, Venice, Salzburg, plus more!

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WAS £1250

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UP TO

Dep. 16, 18. 20 & 27 Dec 2012

NOW

14 DAY Winter Wonder

£1095

£1460

Favourite Ski/Winter Operator

EuroClub

18 DAY Winter Getaway

£1040

TNT Golden Backpacks

WINNER

20% OFF

Includes £260 food fund

Includes £220 food fund

Ski Trips Austria

8 DAY Ski Austria FROM

Dep. 22 Dec 2012

£399

What’s Included: 7 breakfasts, 7 nights accommodation, welcome drink on arrival, snow bike pub crawl, traditional Austrian Xmas Dinner on Xmas week, PLUS MORE!

Favourite Big Tour Operator Favourite Ski/Winter Operator Favourite Tour Operator in Western Europe

CALL 0845 257 5210 *Terms and conditions apply. Prices quoted are for speciﬁc departures only. All trips subject to availability. Discounts are off the base trip price only, and do not apply to food funds, sailing funds and local payments. Flights not included. Exchange rates correct at time of printing, and subject to currency ﬂuctuations, depending when payment is made. See online for full terms and conditions.

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LAURA CHUBB EDITOR laura.chubb@tntmagazine.com

EDITOR’S LETTER Let’s be honest folks: winter in London can be really shit. Waking up in the dark, poking your foot out from the duvet only to have your toes frozen by an Arctic blast, and then battling to work in the wind and rain – well, let’s just say I suspect there are better times to be had. But don’t despair just yet. Because this week we’re bringing you the best of the city’s indoors, from new ways to liven up your lunch break (P8) to a roller derby rumble (P34). As always, you’re welcome!

THIS WEEK LONDONDIARY

4-5

LONDONNEWS

MY LONDON DRINK & EATS

14-15

@TNT

SPOTTED

LONDON SOUND

18-19

LISTINGS CLUB & GIGS

20&23

COMPETITION

CHATROOM RHOD GILBERT

LONDON SCENE

26-27

LONDON FOCUS

28-29

SPARE TIME

Photos: Getty, Thinkstock

LIFESTYLE

33-41

SHOPPING

FEATURES STACKED LUNCH

Become a graffiti whiz, see a play, carve ice art and more in your lunch break

HEALTH & BEAUTY

34-35

SLACK ATTACK

CAREERS

36-37

LIVING

40-41

Jason Mewes of Jay and Silent Bob fame on threesomes, drugs and his mute mate

NEWS & SPORT

42-52

TRAVEL

55-76

HELL ON WHEELS

NEWS

LATE DEALS

Find Caribbean-style beaches and an untamed wilderness in Scotland

HOTSHOTS

TAKING A PLUNGE

62-63

TIPS & STUFF

64-65

48 HOURS IN... WARSAW

70-71

CLASSIFIEDS DESPERATELY SEEKING

78-105 106

TNT gets involved with some punk-rock carnage at a London roller derby league

DIARY

TOP FIVE

ISLAND HOPPING

Bars are the best medicine for stacks and not-so-funny skiing instructors in Morzine

ACTION TRACKED

How to do the Himalayas – Kathmandu to Pokhara on mountain bikes and elephants

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EDITORIAL Group editor Carol Driver Editor Laura Chubb Content editors: Sub/ Sport Michael Gadd Travel Helen Elfer Entertainment Alasdair Morton Web Oliver Jones Social media Dan Thorne Features writer Jade Bremner DESIGN AND PRODUCTION Head of design and production Jon Cooke

LONDONDIARY

@tntmagazine

“Try and be as funny as me – I dare you!”

Acting picture researcher Ruth Board DIGITAL & IT Head of digital marketing and development Syed Ahmad

SALES Commercial director David Alstin Sales manager Jaqui Ward Classified Ad Manager Matt Syder Sales executives Eddie Clinton Donovan Smith | Michael Fair Sales administrator Abby Nightingale MARKETING & EVENTS Marketing and events executive Phoebe Cherrill ACCOUNTS Margaret Roberts | Suzanne Welsh TNT MULTIMEDIA LTD CEO Kevin Ellis Chairman Ken Hurst PUBLISHER TNT Multimedia Limited DISTRIBUTION Emblem Direct Ltd PRINTED BY Wyndeham Peterborough Limited NEWS AAP SAPA NZPA PICTURES Getty Images, TNT Images, Thinkstock TNT Magazine , 16 Brune St, London, E1 7NJ tntmagazine.com General enquiries Phone 020 7953 8469 Fax 020 7953 7957 Email enquiries@tntmagazine.com SALES ENQUIRIES

PHONE 020 7989 0567 EMAIL sales@tntmagazine.com

Shhh... SECRET LONDON NEW ACT OF THE YEAR 2013 COMEDY COMP SHOREDITCH

An eclectic line-up of acts from around the country convene for this winter series of shows, affectionately known as The Natys. The best new acts will get their gags on over two months of heats as they bid for a spot in January’s final, after which one of them will be crowned the rising star of 2013. Previous new act finalists have included Stewart Lee, Jack Whitehall, Simon Pegg, Ed Byrne and last year’s winner Pat Cahill (above). The laughs are guaranteed, and you might even see the next Live At The Apollo star in the making. FREE

WHERE TO GET TNT

COVER PRICE: £1 where sold SEE tntmagazine.com/findtnt for pick-up points or tntmagazine.com/emag to read TNT online SUBSCRIPTIONS AND DISTRIBUTION Caroline Penn 01603 559004

Nov 13, 19 & 27; December 3 & 11. Rich Mix, E1 6LA Shoreditch High Street

richmix.org

COFFEEHOUSE TOUR

REGENT STREET XMAS LIGHTS

HANDMADE IN BRITAIN FAIR

In this behind-thescenes tour of London’s best, most famous and influential coffeehouses, Dr Matthew Green, actors and musicians take you on a historical journey through how everyone’s favourite daily form of caffeine delivery has shaped the city, its people and everyday life. There is, unsurprisingly, coffee included. Bonus!

It’s official: the festive season is upon us. In honour of this best of British year, the Christmas lights of Regent Street are going to be turned on by Olympic gold medalwinning long jumper Greg Rutherford, Paralympics couple Sarah and Barney Storey, and 40 other Team GB heroes. There’ll be a pyrotechnic display, too.

More than 90 innovative designers come together for this 12th Handmade In Britain fair at Chelsea Old Town Hall, in which handcrafted offerings from fashion, design, interiors, textiles, glass, jewellery, woodwork, sculpture and furniture compete for your attention (and cash!). A top place to start that Xmas shopping.

Nov 17. 11.30am-1pm St Michael’s Church, EC3V 9DS Bank unrealcityaudio.co.uk

Nov 13. 5pm-6.30pm W1B 5AH Oxford Circus regentstreetonline.com

Nov 16-18. 11am-6pm SW3 5EE South Kensington handmadebritain.co.uk

All thieves of TNT bins will be prosecuted.

£13.50

TNT Magazine is printed on paper from sustainable forests. There is no business connection between the proprietors of this magazine and TNT Ltd, the worldwide transportation group. Copyright here and abroad of all original materials is held by TNT Magazine. Reproduction in whole or part is forbidden, except with permission of the publishers. Registered as a newspaper at the Post Office.

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like us on

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A work by Melbourne artist Rone

THE URBAN MASTERS Shoreditch

No less than 33 street and urban artists feature in this new exhibition, which looks at urban art’s influence and impact. French street art god Blek Le Rat, who was a key influence on Banksy, US artist Shepard Fairey, the man behind the famed Obama-Hope poster, groundbreaking Bristolian Nick Walker, who created the iconic Moona Lisa, and Melbournebased Rone are a handful of the names showing. FREE

Until Nov 8. 11am-7pm EC2A 3LS Shoreditch High Street

operagallery.com

THE MAN WHO FELL TO EARTH

ORDINARY DARKNESS

This new exhibition celebrates David Bowie’s golden years from 1969-1981 with a collection of rare original posters, much sought-after promo items and photos from the early days of Ziggy Stardust. The centrepiece is the original Heddon Street K West sign from the iconic The Rise And Fall Of ... cover.

Kiwi playwright Sarah Robertson’s latest offering for the Shaky Isles company at theatre bar Hen and Chickens is about a dreamer, a lawyer, a player and a banker, for whom meeting at a London party proves a pivotal moment in all of their lives. A zeitgeisty production about greed, manipulation and rebellion.

Nov 13, 19 & 27; Dec 3 & 11. The Movie Poster Art Gallery, W1T 2BG Goodge Street mpag.co.uk

Nov 14-Dec 1. 7pm Hen and Chickens, N1 2NA Highbury & Islington shakyislestheatre.com

FREE

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£12.50

Buy online at fulhamfc.com or call 0843 208 1234 (option 1) All matches are now on General Sale (excluding Tottenham). All tickets are subject to availability, terms and conditions apply.

9/11/12 13:14:17

LONDONNEWS

@tntmagazine

TUBE STRIKES COULD HIT ON BOXING DAY The customary Christmas cheer as far as England’s public transport is concerned is on the cards for London again this year after it was announced Tube drivers could be balloted to strike on Boxing Day. Hundreds of Tube drivers walked out on Boxing Day both last year and in 2010 over pay. Drivers’ union Aslef said talks were underway with Transport for London, but that if issues were not resolved, it was “quite likely” its 2200 members would vote on a strike. Industrial action would likely severely disrupt Tube lines. Merry Xmas!

I was not accusing anyone of anything TV presenter Phillip Schofield responds to criticism after handing David Cameron a list of rumoured highprofile paedophiles live on air

LABOUR PLEDGES NEW LIVING WAGE RULES Labour leader Ed Miliband has promised a “living wage” for Londoners if his party wins at the next election. The current living wage – £7.45 per hour across the UK, except for London, where it is £8.55 per hour – does not have any legal force. However, Labour is proposing “naming and shaming” companies which do not pay the living wage and forcing government contracts to only go to companies that do pay it. The official minimum wage stands at £6.19 per hour for over 21s.

ON THE TUBE

The London mayor with Arnold Schwarzenegger in happier times for the city’s Boris Bike scheme

Boris Bike costs to double Transport for London announces price hikes are set for 2013 The cost of hiring Boris Bikes is to double in the new year, Transport for London (TfL) has announced. In what is likely a disappointing blow for London commuters, the weekly charge will double from £5 to £10, and annual membership will increase from £45 to £90. Day hire will also double from £1 to £2. A TfL spokesman explained that the money raised would pay for the expansion of the scheme, which is set to cover even more of the capital after proving a success in central and east London. New docking stations are planned for Hammersmith, Fulham and Wandsworth next year, giving those in the west and the south a chance to get in on the action. The bikes have been hired 17 million times since the scheme launched in July

2010, according to official figures. The scheme operates with 8000 bikes and 15,000 docking stations. It’s not just avid Boris Bikers who are facing emptier pockets come 2013, either. Anyone not planning on walking everywhere they go in London next year will face increased transport costs, with bus and Tube fares poised to rise by an average of 4.2 per cent in January, which is above the rate of inflation. The city’s biggest cycling organisation, London Cycling Campaign, told the Evening Standard that the price hikes would “discourage people from cycling”, adding that the decision to double the cost was “disappointing”. TfL has denied the hikes are linked to funding from sponsors Barclays.

THIS WEEK IN LONDON...

THIS WEEKEND’S CLOSURES/WORKS

CIRCLE: No service all weekend. DISTRICT: No service between Kensington Olympia, Earls Court and Edgware Road all weekend. HAMMERSMITH AND CITY: No service between Royal Oak and Baker Street all weekend. METROPOLITAN: No service between Wembley Park, Uxbridge and Northwood all weekend.

NORTHERN: No service between

CENTRAL: No service between West Ruislip and North Acton on Sunday.

YOUR TNT?

DELIVERED STRAIGHT TO YOUR DOOR! SUBSCRIBE NOW FOR FREE! * tntmagazine.com/subscribe

Photos: Getty

Edgware, High Barnet, Euston (Bank branch) and Charing Cross all weekend.

Expand your horizons this week by taking in some of the most powerful images from around the world, on display at the Southbank Centre as the World Press Photo Exhibition returns for its 55th year. This annual international competition brings together the very best press photography from across the globe. At the free exhibition are 167 award-winning photographs taken from the front line of major world events, including demonstrations in Tahir Square, Libyan rebels uprising against Colonel Gaddafi and the aftermath of the Japanese earthquake and tsunami. Catch the exhibit, open every day between 10am and 11pm, at the Southbank Centre until November 27. Admission is free. More at southbankcentre.co.uk.

KEEP MISSING

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

1524 LONDON News+ad.indd 6

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Something we just whipped up in our lunch hour: TNT’s Jade with her mural

Lunchtime thrills Banish winter’s cold and boring lunch breaks with mid-day, indoor adventures from mini-theatre to graffiti lessons WORDS JADE BREMNER Is there a more soul-shrivelling proposition than the weekday winter lunch break? Faced with the frigid gloom of ‘outside’ – that place we rarely dare venture between now and April – nine-to-fivers tend to while away the hour by one of two methods: brave the depressing fust of the office common room or stay moulded to the seat at your desk. Well, TNT says balls to that. You could spend your lunch break checking your Facebook account – again – or you could go and broaden your horizons. Because there’s no shortage of hourlong pursuits in this city to keep you entertained – and we’re talking warm, indoor adventures that don’t require donning your thermals. Venture beyond the office building and you can indulge in anything from engaging in some legalised graffiti to seeing a play. That’s right; going to the theatre need not involve an evening out. In fact, the St Bride Foundation near Fleet Street puts on 45-minute productions aimed squarely at the lunchtime crowd, with plays starting at 1pm. They call it Lunchbox Theatre.

“We started it for the lawyers and bankers that work around this area,” says Mike Palmer, theatre bar manager and technician at the St Bride Foundation. “We thought it was a nice alternative to just spending lunch in the pub.” The theatre’s tagline is “escape the office dramas and lose yourself in another”. Though short on time, the St Bride’s mini-plays are packed when it comes to quirkiness. They recently finished a run of 00 And His 7, a Bondthemed performance put on by the London Ballet Company, and next up is an adaptation of Oscar Wilde short story The Happy Prince, a hit at the Edinburgh Fringe. Even better, it’s affordable at just £7 a ticket. If you’re more into getting your hands dirty, across town, around Brick Lane, Adam Brazier of Graffiti Life can teach you how to use a spray can and create an epic piece in the space of an hour. Believe us, it can be done. TNT tried one of the classes, and under Brazier’s expert instruction managed to paint an 8ft version of Jackson Teller from hit TV show Sons Of Anarchy (see above). We learned techniques such as

proportion, layering and shading with a can of paint and were super-impressed with the results. “Graffiti can have an instant impact,” explains Brazier, who believes there’s no better way to spend your lunch break. “The impact of a massive mural is much greater compared to, say, a painting in a gallery.” He believes that it’s possible for people to learn the basics in just a few lunchtime sessions, with the right teacher. Following that, if you consistently practice, he reckons you could even blossom into a professional painter within less than a year. None of that inspire you to escape the office? Well, we’ve only just got started. Turn the page for more ideas on how to have an hour-long, mini-adventure. Put down that Tesco sandwich and get out!

MORE LUNCHTIME ADVENTURES ›› Lunchbox Theatre. Next show takes place Nov 27. Tickets £7, or score a £1 discount by booking before 11am on the day of the performance. stbridefoundation.org Lunchtime graffiti lessons from £55 per person. graffitilife.co.uk

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Chest the thing: lunchtime drama outside the office

*excludes Game

Class act: one of Graffiti Lifeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s lunchtime lessons

Swoon: Lunchbox Theatre entertains for 45 minutes TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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LEARN MAGIC THE STRAND

GET HYPNOTISED MARYLEBONE

Learn a trick or two in your lunch break from the experts at Davenports Magic. They do magic displays all day and are only too happy to show you how to bamboozle your mates at the next party.

Feeling homesick? Want to be more confident or want to give up smoking? Get cured by visiting a hypnotherapist. The Therapy Lounge has 11 hypnotherapy practices in the London area, where they could help with a whole host of issues and send you back to work feeling better.

FREE

£95

Open 9.30am-5.30pm Davenports Magic, WC2N 4HZ Charing Cross davenportsmagic.co.uk

By appointment 1-7 Harley Street, W1G 9QD Bond Street thetherapylounge.com

WATCH A SHORT FILM ACROSS LONDON Get cultured during your lunch break and watch one of 60-plus short films across 10 days and 22 venues at the London Short Film Festival. Each of the films is less than five minutes long and has a budget of under £500. It’s a great chance to dip your toes into another world for a few minutes – a much-needed, mid-day dose of escapism. £7.50

Jan 4-13 Times and venues TBA

shortfilms.org.uk

EXERCISE YOUR BRAIN EUSTON

BECOME A DRUM AND BASS DJ CROYDON

Challenge your grey matter with one of the lunchtime lectures at University College London. UCL offers 40-minute lectures twice a week on topics ranging from sustainable energy to sex work.

Learn how to spin, mix and use all that complicated-looking equipment with FlashBackZ. They’ll even throw in a few cheeky production techniques, and all within a 45-minute slot.

Tue & Thur, 1.15-1.55pm Gower Street, WC1E 6BT Euston; Russell Square bhavan.net

By appointment Park Lane, CRO 1JA East Croydon 07747 520224

RELAX WITH MEDITATION COVENT GARDEN

LUNCHTIME SINGING CLASSES LAMBETH

Go to a creative meditation session with Inner Space. Their expert tutors will guide you through a half-hour relaxation session, which is said to build confidence and make you feel rejuvenated for the afternoon.

Are you a star in the shower but never gone mainstream? How about a three-month singing course in your lunch hour? You’ll learn how to do group harmonies, improve rhythm and pitch, and interpret songs in your own style.

Bad day at work? What better way to offload some anger than with a lunchtime boxing class? Tokei Gym offers conditioning and cardio workouts with trained professionals who teach real boxing techniques. If you’re feeling it, stay on and give a bag a piece of your mind. Classes are open to both men and women and all abilities from beginner to expert. You may like it so much you take it up as a sport.

Weds & Fri, 1-1.30pm 36 Shorts Gardens, WC2H 9AB Covent Garden innerspace.org.uk

Next course starts Jan 10, 1pm Morley College, SE1 7HT Lambeth North morleycollege.ac.uk

Weds, 1pm Lion Court, SE1 2EN London Bridge tokeicentre.org

FREE

EAT SOMETHING WEIRD ACROSS LONDON Try something you usually wouldn’t this lunchtime. Restaurants around the city dish up all sorts of bizarre bites. At Bibendum you can chow down on deep-fried calves’ brain with Thai dipping sauce, or if your stomach dares you could try ducks’ tongues at Viajante or garlic locusts at Archipelago. Take some friends with you and see who’s brave enough to take the plunge – you never know, you might be pleasantly surprised. £20

Various times Bibendum, Michelin House, SW3 6RD; Viajante, Town Hall Hotel, E2 9NF; Archipelago, 110 Whitfield Street, W1T 5ED South Kensington; Bethnal Green; Warren Street bibendum.co.uk; viajante.co.uk; archipelago-restaurant.co.uk

FREE

£20

£50

BOX FOR AN HOUR LONDON BRIDGE £10

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COOK, EAT AND RUN ST PAUL’S

ICE CARVE WIMBLEDON

Don’t just buy lunch, learn how to cook a new dish, then eat it too. Each week the brilliant team at L’atelier des Chefs will teach you a new 30-minute recipe during lunch. A panfried sea bream with wilted fennel and black olive salsa or Indonesian fish curry with coconut milk beats a boring sandwich any day.

Build an ice sculpture at lunchtime at this masterclass in southwest London. Book in advance, then do your worst with their drills, chisels and other tools to create the coolest work of art ever. Don’t forget your camera, as your creation won’t last long.

£15

Wed-Thur, 12.30-1pm; 1.30-2pm; Fri 12-12.30pm; 1-1.30pm L’atelier des Chefs, EC2V 6HR St Paul’s atelierdeschefs.co.uk

£75

HANG TOUGH AT LUNCHTIME MILE END

By appointment 54 Wimbledon Stadium Business Centre, SW17 0BA Wimbledon icesculpture.co.uk

Spend your lunchtime up a mountain – albeit an artificial one – by scaling the walls at Mile End’s indoor climbing centre. There’s 16,000sqft of options to cover, from all sorts of bouldering to all levels of top-roped and lead climbing. Working out doesn’t have to be boring or cut into your ‘down’ time. £7.50

Mon-Fri, opens 12pm Mile End Park, E3 5BE mileendwall.org.uk

Mile End

CHASE SHADOWS OXFORD CIRCUS

SEE A HOT DEBATE EMBANKMENT

Head to Hanover Square to check out how artists Tim Noble and Sue Webster turn urban debris into complex works of art. Their sculptures may not look like much, until you check out the shadow they cast – knick-knacks suddenly transform into complex portraits. Impressive stuff.

Watch one of 150 free talks, screenings and debates held by the RSA each year. Professionals, academics and expert minds will chair the debates and force you to engage the brain at lunch. Upcoming speakers include social theorist Robert Goodwin with On Settling.

Mon-Fri, 10am-6pm. Until Nov 24 W1S 1BP Oxford Circus blainsouthern.com

Next debate Nov 15, 1pm 8 John Adam St, WC2N 6EZ Embankment thersa.org

TRY EAR CANDLING HOLBORN

GET A COLONIC ISLINGTON

The Native American treatment of Hopi Ear Candling involves a candle being placed over the ear and creating a localised heat. This ancient ritual is said to cure all sorts of ear, nose and throat ailments.

It’s certainly not the usual way people spend a lunch break, but colonic hydrotherapy will help purge you of previous crappy lunches – lose weight and rid yourself of all those nasty toxins.

Various locations, by appointment Essentials Pharmacy, WC2B 5QA Holborn essentialslondon.com

Open Mon-Fri, 10am-8pm Dermacia, 260 Upper St, N1 2UQ Highbury & Islington dermacia.co.uk

FREE

GO GO KARTING DOCKLANDS Tear around the track at this indoor go karting circuit. They do mid-week special deals for those looking to burn some rubber for their break. Challenge your work colleagues to a race and relieve some of that office tension. The question is, will they manage to keep their lunch down after a go on the track? It’s a bonus if they don’t, it will make for interesting chat back in the cubicles. And it sure beats looking on Facebook for an hour, though no doubt you’ll upload the pictures ...

Photos: Getty, John Rankin, Graffiti Life

£35

Mon-Fri, 9am-11.30pm The Raceway, SE7 8NJ North Greenwich theraceway.com

£35

FREE

£80

LEARN A LANGUAGE COVENT GARDEN Always fancied learning a language, but don’t feel like you have the time? The International House in London offers fourweek lunchtime courses, comprising two lessons a week, that will get you learning the basics in no time. And even better, it only costs £60 for all eight lessons. Choose from French, Spanish, German, Japanese, Italian or Arabic, and avoid performing those elaborate mimes on your next holiday. £60

Twice a week from 1.15-2pm (days vary depending on course) 16 Stukeley Street, WC2B 5LQ Covent Garden Ihlondon.com

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MYLONDON

JASON COOK STAND-UP COMEDIAN & WRITER What baffles me about London is the unquestioning acceptance of house prices. London’s best-kept secret is the walk along Teddington Lock [in Surrey along the south bank of the Thames]. It is beautiful and serene. And best of all, it is free! When I want to chill out I go to Hyde Park. It can be pleasant given the right weather and density of picnickers. The most interesting person I’ve met in London is Henry Normal. He produced my TV show [sitcom] Hebburn, but if you look at his Wikipedia entry you can see he has been responsible for almost all of the great comedy that the UK has produced in the past 20 years. My favourite place for a drink is the Euston Tap. It has loads of craft beers – that’s posh for real ale. They all have different tastes, and they will order you a pizza, too! For when you’re hungover in London you can’t beat a bed. It doesn’t matter where, anywhere. The first thing I think of in the morning is “where is the snooze button on the alarm clock?” My perfect weekend needs sun, booze, family, mates, good food and not having a shit Monday looming. The last naughty thing I did was ordering some more new trainers on the internet. I will have to act surprised when they turn up. My trainer collection is becoming unmanageable. The biggest faux pas I’ve made is at a wedding, when drunk – I was talking to a bloke and told him I thought Porsches were for wankers. He collected them. Had five. It was an uncomfortable dinner after that, although my missus enjoyed it. Five words that sum up London ... Hot, fast, big, bright, fun.

Hebburn airs Thursdays, 10pm on BBC2 12

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LONDONDRINKS

THE DISSENTING ACADEMY

@tntmagazine

[Caption]

PUB THE SCENE Newington Green has form when it comes to dissension. Being home to both Suffragette Mary Wollstonecraft and the 17th-century dissenting academies, the North London enclave is something of a magnet for upstarts. It’s a fact that, as with most British history, a pub is left to remind us of. Newie G’s newest pub is certainly a welcome departure from The Clarendon, the building’s previous carvery-style incarnation. A Bill Hicks portrait dominates the main lounge, while Public Enemy and the aforementioned Wollstonecraft also command their own wall-hangings. Gas masks circle the top of the bar while a cow emblazoned with Damien Hirst’s mug hangs from the ceiling like it’s the most normal thing in the world. You’re probably thinking, “That sounds like the inside of some undergraduate’s brain,” and you’d be right. While the overall aesthetic absolutely works, the easily cringed might find the cultural references a tad a dilettante. THE GRUB The food is typical rustic pub fare that is actually surprisingly good and more than reasonably priced (from £6.95). Sharing plates and burgers top the bill. BEHIND THE BAR Your usual array of premium continental lagers are supplemented with an almost unnervingly large selection of well-kept ales, such as Laines Best. BILL PLEASE Pints from £3.50; bottles from £3.20; wine from £13.10 bottle. VERDICT Exactly what the area needs: a relaxed, young pub, for non-pram pushers.

92 Mildmay Park, N1 4PR

facebook.com/dissentingacademy

DIM SUM

LEONG’S LEGENDS

YUM CHA

CHUEN CHENG KU

An understated anomaly in gaudy Chinatown, this low-lit Taiwanese joint does excellent dim sum until 5pm daily. Be sure to try the pork or crab xiao long bao (soup dumplings). From around £5 per dish.

It might not look much, but this Camden long-timer is perennially popular. They do a lunch and dinner dim sum menu, split into steamed, fried and cold. The brave can try jellyfish with smoked pig’s knuckle. Dishes from £2.60.

This is one of the few venues in the city offering the traditional dim sum trolley service, at both lunch and dinner. Avoid the buffet upstairs and head for the ground floor. Expect to spend about £20pp.

4 Macclesfield Street, W1D 6AX

yumchasilksandspice.co.uk

7 Wardour Street, W1D 6PN

Photos: Thinkstock

3 OF THE BEST

Welcome: ponder over pints

Canonbury

Mouth watering food and crisp service in the heart of London. Idealy situated, close to most of popular bars and clubs, for pre or after theatre dinners or business lunches. Three dining rooms with their own bar available for private parties. Enjoy your Christmas parties here, Bookings now being taken.

advert

INDIAN CUISINE

44 Firth Street, Soho London, W1D 4SB

We are tmas s n Chri open o xing day! and Bo

Tube-Tottenham Ct Road

134 Cromwell Road, Kensington, SW7 4HA

Tel.020 743 78261 Tel.020 737 07617 Tube-Gloucester Road

For more information visit:

www.delhibrasserie.com

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BITE SIZE

Firing culinary gold out of the kitchen

BUENO BARRIO BREEDS Bringing some much-needed Latin heat into our gloomy winter existence this month is new bar Barrio East. The venture joins siblings Barrio Central in Soho and Barrio North in Islington on their mission to infiltrate the capital with exotic cocktails and sunny vibes. Opening up on Shoreditch High Street, you can choose to sip drinks in La Boca Barrio, kitted out like the Buenos Aires neighbourhood with brightly coloured ship timber facades or – slightly less exciting – a caravan decorated with House of Hackney wallpaper. Tempting cocktails on offer include the gingerbread colada, priced at £8.50, and accompanied by a gingerbread man. Sizzling stuff. barrioeast.com

THE GUN GASTROPUB

SKYFALL ON YA FACE Ever since Skyfall came out, Bond fever has been giving Londoners a bulletproof excuse to get shitfaced on martinis. This week marks your last chance to down three-for-two at the Michael Nadra Martini Bar and Garden in Primrose Hill. Award-winning bartender Eric Pallet will be shaking ‘tinis to leave you stirred for less coin from 5-7pm until Nov 18. Try the chiliinfused hot passion or the balsamic with strawberries. Drinks from £7.50. restaurant-michaelnadra.co.uk

Photos: Richard Leeney

FINGER LICKIN’ FOOD First it was burgers, then it was hot dogs. Now it’s fried chicken. Muswell Hill’s Chooks is leading the charge for gourmet versions of KFC – the new venture is receiving rave reviews, so get in quick before it’s no longer cool. Meals from around £10.

THE SCENE This smart gastropub has awards coming out of its ears, so our hopes are high when my friend and I visit on a Friday night. It’s 7.30pm, but not packed – there’s only one other table seated in the cosy, white-tableclothed dining area at the end of the smart but traditional pub bar. There are regulars supping pints of trendy brews – we guess they’re regulars as there’s a head-turn moment as we walk through the door. It’s cold, so we don’t venture outside where, in summer, scores of people sit on the large riverside terrace, overlooking The O2, enjoying beer and Pimm’s. Around the rest of the pub there are perfect-for-winter oldfashioned fireplaces, and the warming deep red, chocolate brown and jet black colour theme is carried throughout. As we dine, the place fills up and almost all the tables at the front of the venue are taken. The staff are friendly but a little too attentive, with four different people coming over to see if our mains are OK. THE GRUB Spot-on. I’m sceptical about my roast cauliflower and winter truffle soup, thinking it might be bland, but it’s brimming with flavour and spices. Across the table, the fresh, seared Isle of Man king scallops with confit garlic are being devoured, getting the thumbs up. I’m not keen on risotto (the only veggie option on the menu), so the chef whips me up gnocchi, served with spinach, pine nuts and herb butter. My friend tucks into a delicious pan-fried fillet of sea bass. The food is so good, there’s silence at our table. We’re far too full for dessert, but we order anyway. The baked dulce de leche cheesecake with salted caramel popcorn is divine, and the hot chocolate cake with ice-cream is melt-in-the-mouth delicious.

An incredibly impressive, 15-page menu of champagnes and wines from around the world, plus cocktails and specialist bitters, ales and other beers. BILL PLEASE Starters from £6; mains from £12.50; desserts from £5. Cocktails from £8; wine from £4.20/£16.50 per glass/ bottle; pints from £3.60. VERDICT This is the place to visit if you like pubs with top-quality grub. CAROL DRIVER BEHIND THE BAR

chooks.me 27 Coldharbour, Docklands, E14 9NS

thegundocklands.com

Canary Wharf

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Twits support Mitt

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David Cameron: “I look forward to working with Barack Obama for the next four years.” Two years, Dave, two years

Matt “You don’t listen to a word I say, do you?” A Weird way to start a conversation

Eddie playing Football Manager I got offered the Scotland job. Turned it down and got back to playing Football Manager

Nicolas broke into a mate’s place and nicked the keys to his Porsche. I love keys

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Noddy My new smartphone’s not big enough – i keep scrolling down but it still doesn’t show Liverpool in the league

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Spooks

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Re: Romney supporters moving to Australia (tntmagazine.com): Moving to Australia ‘cause Obama got re-elected – what lunatics! Romney was a goon who when he actually said something he just put his foot in his mouth, slagging off people and alienating other politicians. When his fans say they’re going Down Under to get away from it, you see the intelligence of them. There should be an IQ test before they can vote. Jane Wood, via Facebook

PAYBACK TIME Re: ‘Laughs don’t come for free’ (TNT 1523): So many writers are all too happy to slag off bands and comedians, when they wouldn’t be unable to do anything approaching the same themselves. I’ve thought that critics should have to get up on stage and explain their opinions – if they know better they should show they can do better. I was stoked to hear Sanderson Jones has been doing exactly that. It’s about time. Good on the bloke, bloody champion! James Davies, via email

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year to go is absurd, but advertising an advert is where I draw the line. Scrooge, via email

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DUNNY MUSEUM It may be a culture difference, but I saw last week that in South Korea that they opened a museum about toilets! WTF? Does it have a room in which the smell of a communal latrine is recreated for your nasal pleasure? Does it have a photo history board of shitholes through the ages? It’s either the shit, or shit. Davey, via email

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Surprise success: Rodriguez was a star but didn’t know it

ALASDAIR MORTON FOR THE RECORD Robbie Williams is too old for the kids, Radio One decreed, refusing to playlist his latest single Candy. But if Robbo is not pop enough for a kid-orientated radio station, then who exactly is? He was in one of the biggest boybands of all time, he sold out Knebworth – thrice – and then went away for a bit looking for aliens. He’s back, though, properly this time, but Radio One, with their Nick Grimshaw-led shake-up to serve their 14-29 demographic, ruled Williams was not relevant to their listeners. At the same time, Williams is a hero to the X Factor warbling nobodies – he has even been a mentor to the tools that populate the show. Surely he is as pop as they come. What do pop stars have to do to be of interest to today’s tweens? Is Gagalevel extravagance the only way to catch their attention? Is Robbie too bland and inconspicuous to catch the eye? Apparently so, yet he has had the last laugh – Candy hit number one anyway.

RODRIGUEZ Royal Festival Hall, SE1 8XX SAT, NOV 17 | DOORS AT 7.30PM | £10+

Rodriguez’s career path has been an odd one, even by the frequently extraordinary and unpredictable standards of rock ‘n’ roll. He’s enjoyed more highs and lows than most, and shores up here for this ultra-special, one-off London show. The Detroit native started out in the Seventies, plying his trade with acoustic singer-songwriter tunes in the clubs and bars of the Motor City. He recorded some albums, was going to be bigger than Dylan, but then promptly sank without a trace. Rumours circulated, with the more outlandish suggesting he had committed on-stage suicide. But in reality, he’d returned to life as a labourer. Meanwhile, his albums elsewhere in the world had taken on a life of their own. Rodriguez’s records and their anti-establishment, stand-up-for-your-rights philosophising, chimed with post-apartheid era South Africa, where they sold by the bucketload. It was only many years later, when two inquisitive Saffas set out to find the truth that the man, the myth and his fanbase were united. With this year’s cult hit documentary Searching For Sugar Man by filmmaker Malik Bendjelloul – a retrospective that follows Rodriguez’s tumultuous journey to the present – his story has been immortalised. The new lease of life the film alone has given him is a fitting next chapter in a tale that feels too good to be true but is, in fact, as heartwarming and inspiring as you’ll get. The Royal Festival Hall welcomes the ‘Sugar Man’ (so named after his 1977 single) as he runs through hits from his Cold Fact and Coming From Reality albums. Waterloo

southbankcentre.co.uk

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TEGAN AND SARA

NEW BAND

GIG THURS, NOV 15. 7PM £20

The twin sisters already have a new album in the can, with Heartthrob set to strike early next year. On it, they take last LP Sainthood’s electro-edges to a poppy, chart-friendly next level. They’ve released the single I’m Not Your Hero and are fitting in this headline gig around their support slots for The Killers’ two mega-shows at The O2.

Photos: Getty

The Forum 9-17 Highgate Road, NW5 1JY Kentish Town theforumlondon.com

CRAIG CHARLES’ FUNK & SOUL MOVEMBER PARTY

MALA IN CUBA (LIVE)

CLUB

SAT, NOV 17. 10PM-4AM £10+

SAT, NOV 17. 9PM-3AM £15+

To many he’s Lloyd off Corrie, to others he’s the slacker icon Lister from Red Dwarf. But to others, he’s the funk and soul master who spins but the best records on his BBC Radio 6 Music show. His new CD, The Craig Charles Funk And Soul Club, is out soon, and this night will be the funkiest, most soulful evening in the capital.

Bass icon Mala (of dubstep outfit Digital Mystikz) is to play tracks from his debut album Mala In Cuba, which saw the south Londoner venture to Havana, alongside Giles Peterson, to collaborate with local musicians. The results fuse Cuban rhythms with Jamaican influences and London sound system culture.

Jamm 261 Brixton Road, SW9 6LH Brixton brixtonjamm.org

Electric Brixton Town Hall Parade, SW2 1RJ Brixton electricbrixton.com

PASSION PIT

SPEN & KARIZMA @ THE DATE

ALABAMA SHAKES

GIG

CLUB

GIG

TUES, NOV 20. 7PM £16

SAT, NOV 17. 9.30PM-5AM £15

FRI, NOV 16. 7PM £25+

Music’s most celebrated weird kids released their stunning sophomore album, Gossamer, this year, crammed full of indie-electronica oddities and randomness. It was also highly catchy and has found the US five-piece an even broader, bigger fanbase, as evidenced by this certain-tobe-packed headline show in the capital.

This new party set out to bring world-renowned DJs to London and has made good on this goal, bringing Tony Humphries, Kerri Chandler and Timmi Regisford to its first three west London parties. US house duo Spen & Karizma (above) are up next with a four-hour set and support from Horse Meat Disco and more.

The quartet from Athens, Georgia, found the soul/blues of their self-titled debut as hotly tipped as it comes. Critical praise and next-bigthing hysteria followed, all of which can be hard to live up to. So it is just as well their album’s a winner, and in the live arena they’re unparalleled – substance that meets the hype.

The Forum 9-17 Highgate Road, NW5 1JY Kentish Town theforumlondon.com

The Loft Studios 77-81 Scrubs Lane, NW10 6QX Kensal Green residentadvisor.net

The Coronet 26-28 New Kent Road, SE1 6TJ Elephant and Castle coronettheatre.co.uk

LIZETTE LIZETTE THE BUZZ SO FAR This Swedish eccentric decided to go it alone two years ago after studying music production and singing with Stockholm group The New Heaven Dieppe. “I’m designing my own band and my own music,” she says of her solo output, which combines techno, house, and Eurodance in debut single Wheel Of Fortune. Hitting up the Nineties for her influences, Lizette Lizette opened for Example on his recent Euro tour, and is mates with fellow Swedes Nikki & the Dove, too. THE CRITICS SAY “Like finding yourself in 1991 again” supajam.com THE PLUG Wheel Of Fortune is out November 12. Plays The Waiting Room NW16 0LH Stoke Newington, Dec 10. Free lizettelizette.com

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CLUBLISTINGS

MONDAY 12 Citrus Brazilian DJs DouGuim and Kerol K spin chart and dance with a Latino twist. Ku Bar, Lisle St, WC2H 7BA (020 7437 4303). 10pm-3am. Free.

Eskimo Dance Grime and bass courtesy of Wiley, Skepta, JME, Jammer, D Double, Footsie, Ghetts And Flirta D. IndigO2, Peninsula Sq, SE10 0DX (0871 220 0260). 8pm-late. £15-£30.

BOOK NOW!

Fact Ldn Claudio Coccoluto, Hot Since 82 and Neverdogs supply house and techno. Egg, York Way, N7 9AX (020 7871 7111). 10pm-7am. Mems £15-£20, adv £15, w/loyalty card/NUS £13.

Cuban Salsa Night DJ Doctor Jim plays Cuban salsa and Latin music, plus dance lessons. Buffalo Bar, Upper St, N1 1RU (020 7359 6191). 9pm-late. £4, £7 inc salsa lessons. It’s Britney Bitch! DJ Tuomo Fox and guests spin pop, R‘n’B and chart hits under the watchful eye of MC Patrick Lilley. The Shadow Lounge, Brewer St, W1F 0RF (020 7287 7988). 10pm-3am. £5. London Lyricist Lounge Hip-hop and R‘n’B from DJ Sai and LeeN with support from MCs, poets and freestylers. The Lockside Lounge, West Yard Dock, NW1 8AF (020 7284 0007). 7pm-midnight. Free. Monday Nights 8track Records play lounge and disco songs from the late 1980s and early 1990s. Ladybird Bar, Upper St, N1 0NY (020 7359 1710). 5pm-9pm. Free. Pepe Deluxe / Husky Rescue Aftershow Party Guest DJs spin psychedelia, funk, pop and disco records. Surya, Pentonville Rd, N1 9JL (020 7713 6262). 11pm-2am. Free before 11pm.

TUESDAY 13 Boom Brew In The Antenna DJ D Vyzor supplies jazz, R‘n’B and electronica, exclusively on 7” vinyl. Cafe 1001, Dray Walk, E1 6QL (020 7247 9679). 10pm-late. Phone for prices. Chocolate Tuesdays DJs provide Latin soul, Kizomba, salsa, reggae, samba and groove to accompany dance classes. Gem, Beak St, W1F 9RA (020 7437 0239). 9pm-1am. £5. Desire DJs Steven Geller, Bruno Nouer and Sven Jon provides house and electro records. Covert, Albert Embankment, SE1 7TP (020 7820 6757). 3am-11am. £8, w/flyer £6. Guanabara Presents DJ Moishe plays rock, Latin and classics from the 1980s. Guanabara, Parker St, WC2B 5PW (020 7242 8600). 5pm-late. Free. Paradox Tuesdays DJs spin house and techno. Egg, York Way, N7 9AX (020 7871 7111). 11pm-6am. £15, £12 before 1am, adv/NUS/mems £8. Playboxx Resident DJs play R‘n’B, dance and pop. Storm, Leicester Sq, WC2H 7LE (020 7839 2633). 10.30pm2am. Ladies free before 11pm. Rockin’ Rio DJ Moishe supplies Latin beats, rock and indie. Guanabara, Parker St, WC2B 5PW (020 7242 8600). 5pm-late. Free. Smart Tuesday DJs Colin Francis and Max Denham spin house, R‘n’B, bashment, old skool and commercial. Funky Buddha, Berkeley St, W1J 8DY (020 7495 2596). Phone for times. Ladies free before 11pm. White Heat DJs Matty, Olly and Marcus supply electro, techno and indie. Madame Jojo’s, Brewer St, W1F 0SE (020 7734 3040). 10.30pm-3am. £5, concs/flyer £4.

Garuda DJs Gareth Emery, Ben Gold, Craig Connelly, D.Ramirez, Gavyn Mytchel, Matt Capon And Birdsy, Mis Dix, CTRL and Lewis Duggleby spin house, dance and electro. The Ministry Of Sound, Gaunt St, SE1 6DP (0870 060 0010). 10.30pm-6am. £14.

HAÇIENDA 30 Koko. Dec 15. £19+ House stars Todd Terry (above) and Marshall Jefferson, plus Haçienda legend Mike Pickering, head up this 30th anniversary show for the Manc club. NW1 7JE

Mornington Crescent

WEDNESDAY 14 1-800 Dinosaurs Residents and guests supply house, funk and electronica. Plastic People, Curtain Rd, EC2A 3QE (020 7739 6471). 9pm-1am. £5, concs £3. Clubbing London & Max Parties Resident DJs spin house and electro. The Den & Centro, West Central St, WC1A 1JJ (020 7240 1083). Midnight-6am. £10. Dub Me Always DJ David Katz spins reggae and dub, with special guest DJs Pressure Drop featuring Mikey and Kingsley. Upstairs At The Ritzy, Coldharbour Ln, SW2 1JG (0871 704 2065). 8pm-late. Free. Factory Afterparty In-house DJs play house, nu-disco, electro and techno. Covert, Albert Embankment, SE1 7TP (020 7820 6757). 1am-8am. £6, w/flyer £4. Fashion Meets Music Dance, R‘n’B and pop courtesy of guest DJs, hosted by Andrew James Markham and Sharon Prasad. Cargo, Rivington St, EC2A 3AY (020 7739 3440). 8pm-1am. Adv £10-£20. Funkology Presents DJ Jimi Needles and Nic Mondegreen spin hip hop, soul, Latin and dubstep, with a live set from Mammoth Sound. Floripa, Great Eastern St, EC2A 3HZ (020 7613 4228). 5pm-1am. £5. Kid Kanevil The Yorkshire-born turntablist provides hip-hop and electro. Vibe Bar, Brick Ln, E1 6QL (020 7247 3479). 7.30pm-11.30pm. Free. Nashville Babylon Loose DJs spin country, Americana and rock, plus live performances. 12 Bar Club, Denmark Place, WC2H 8NL (020 7240 2622). 7pm-2am. Adv £6. N*A*S*I*N SoniX, Brahim and Punk Gareth play punk, rock, metal and ska. The Borderline, Orange Yard, Manette St, W1D 4JB (0870 060 3777/ cc 0871 231 0842). 11pm-3am. £5, w/flyer £4, NUS £3, mems £2. White Leather Viper Club Italo disco and obscure classics courtesy of PoP Campaign and White Leather Viper. Dalston Superstore, Kingsland High St, E8 2PB (020 7254 2273). 9pm-3am. Free.

fac51thehacienda.com

THURSDAY 15 Herd Presents: The Mighty Channel One Soundsystem Dub, ska, roots, reggae and dancehall courtesy of DJ Mikey Dread and MC Ray Kayleb. The Lockside Lounge, West Yard Dock, NW1 8AF (020 7284 0007). 7pm-midnight. £5. I Love Fwd Dismantle, The Others, Soap Dodgers and Shox provide a blend of house, garage, dubstep and bass. Plastic People, Curtain Rd, EC2A 3QE (020 7739 6471). 9.30pm-2am. £7. A Night In November DJs Kasai Masai, Adam Crawford and DJ David play Afrobeat. East Village, Great Eastern St, EC2A 3HX (020 7739 5173). 7.30pm-late. £15. No Chaser Presents Good Bait DJs play rock, indie and punk, with live bands. Bar Music Hall, Curtain Rd, EC2A 3AR (020 7729 7216). 7pm-1am. Free. Society John Brooks supplies funky and uplifting house and dance anthems. Lo-Profile, Wardour St, W1F 0TQ (020 7734 3444). 10pm-3am. £8, £5 before midnight. Underdog Kris Harris and DJ Valente play house in the main room, while Hidden.Outside.The. Box play indie, electronic, dance, and nu-disco in the Global Room. Pacha, Terminus Place, SW1V 1JR (0845 371 4489). 10pm-late. £7. With A Little Help From Your Friends DJs Kee and Secret Peter spin soul and disco classics. The Book Club, Leonard St, EC2A 4RH (020 7684 8618). 8pm-2am. £3. Your Mum’s House Resident DJs play pop and disco. The Nest, Stoke Newington Rd, N16 7XJ (020 7354 9993). 9pm-3am. £7, £5 before midnight, free before 10.30pm.

FRIDAY 16 Crack Magazine Takeover DJs Doc Daneeka, Rashad and Spinn play house, disco and electro, plus live performances from Regal Safari and Eaux. The Nest, Stoke Newington Rd, N16 7XJ (020 7354 9993). 9pm-4am. £7.

Lindstrom Album Launch Party Lindstrom, Joakim and Futureboogie DJs play cosmicdisco, with live performances from NZCA/Lines and The Other Tribe. XOYO, Cowper St, EC2A 4AP (020 7729 5959). 9pm-3am. Adv £12.50. Love You Longtime Resident DJs spin an eclectic range of indie and electro. Gigalum, Cavendish Parade, Clapham Common South Side, SW4 9DW (020 8772 0303). 7pm-late. Free. Synopsis Part 3 DJs Boris Werner, Greg Brockmann and Sami Daik spin house and techno. The Basing House, Kingsland Rd, E2 8AA (020 7688 0339). 10pm-4am. £10. Tief Presents Diynamic House, techno and electronica courtesy of Hosh, Uner, Thyladomid, The Pushamann, Kitsch And Sync, plus a live performance from Stimming. Corsica Studios, Elephant Rd, SE17 1LB (020 7703 4760). 10pm-6am. Adv £8-£15. The Upfront Project The Other Tribe, Eli And Fur, Eton Messy, Senseo And Sharkbait, Wiz, Monsieur Le Cros, Jolyon, Fred Leask And Badman and Tweak spin garage, house and bass music. The LightBox, South Lambeth Place, SW8 1SP (020 7434 1113). 10pm-6am. £10, adv £5 & £8. Warehouse Presents DJ Hype, Wilkinson, Mampi Swift and AMC play drum ‘n’ bass and jungle, plus MCs GQ, 2Shy and Codebreaker. Club Warehouse, Harbet Rd, N18 3HT (020 8807 0078). 10pm-5am. Adv £14. Wolfstock Presents Polyrhythmic, Harry Wolfman, Luke Wolfman and Pedro Hernandez spin house and techno. East Village, Great Eastern St, EC2A 3HX (020 7739 5173). 9pm-3.30am. £10, adv £5 & £8.

SATURDAY 17 Bunker 194 Deep house and techno courtesy of Lovebirds, Bruno Balbino, Freaklou, Brenno, Sleazy-O and Sparky. East Village, Great Eastern St, EC2A 3HX (020 7739 5173). 9pm-3.30am. £10, adv £6. Deja-vu Eddy Kruger, Gianluca Sved and Montana Cruz provide a blend of house, electro and techno, with special guest DJ Vera. Hidden, Tinworth St, SE11 5EQ (020 7820 6613). 10pm-late. £10 & £15.

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Mat Horne Presents The actor spins electro, indie and club classics, with Does It Offend You Yeah!, States Of Emotion, Push Music, Badloader, Sianne and Ryan Paul, plus live sets from Go Tell The Eskimo, Up, Electric Childhouse and Lazytalk. The Queen Of Hoxton, Curtain Rd, EC2A 3JX (020 7422 0958). 8pm-2am. £7, free before 9pm. Jaded 8th Birthday Warehouse Party Ellen Allien, Stephan Bodzin, Raymundo Rodriguez, Unai Trotti, Alex Kleve, Mustache Wax and Vincenzo Perez spin electro, house and techno. The Sidings, Southwark St, SE1 1RU (020 7403 9643). 10pm6am. £25 inc after party, £17.50-£20. Ruffneck Rennie Pilgrem, Toronto Is Broken, Jurassik, Final Conflict, Se7ven Deadly Breaks and DJ Generator provide drum ‘n’ bass, jungle and old skool. The Lockside Lounge, West Yard Dock, NW1 8AF (020 7284 0007). 9pm-3am. £5, £3 before midnight. Star Teck Cozzy D, Johnny Mikes and Dominique Danielle play house. The Garage, Highbury Corner, N5 1RD (0870 060 3777/ cc 0844 847 1678). 10.30pm-late. £15. Supernova Meets 100% Pure DJs Kaiserdisco, Madskillz, 2000, One, Nic and Kaleb spin dance, house and techno. Egg, York Way, N7 9AX (020 7871 7111). 10pm-7am. Mems £15-£20, adv £10. Type Presents Pure Bliss DJs Sister Bliss, Seb Fontaine, Miss C and Chloe Fontaine play house and dance. Westbourne Studios, Acklam Rd, W10 5JJ (020 7524 7523). 10pm-3.30am. £15, adv £10. What Matters Pre Party Residents spin electronic dance music. Gigalum, Cavendish Parade, Clapham Common South Side, SW4 9DW (020 8772 0303). 7pm-late. Free.

SUNDAY 18 The 90’s Lick Jigs, Bigger, Sammy Confunktion and Danny Players Posse spin soul, R‘n’B, ragga and drum ‘n’ bass, while Aitch B, Sy Sez and Jazzi Q spin soulful house, 1980s disco and jazz. Hidden, Tinworth St, SE11 5EQ (020 7820 6613). 9.30pm-4am. £10, £5 before 12.30pm, guestlist free before 12.30pm. Missing Deep techno and house courtesy of Jordan Rutter, Daniel Mitchell and Kemi Oshi. 333, Old St, EC1V 9LL (020 7739 5949). 8pm2am. £8, £5 before 10pm, ladies free. Momentum DJs supply house and techno. Gigalum, Cavendish Parade, Clapham Common South Side, SW4 9DW (020 8772 0303). 7pm-late. Free. Pause DJs play house, disco, hiphop, chart, funk and Latin. The Den & Centro, West Central St, WC1A 1JJ (020 7240 1083). 10pm-6am. £10. Roots Britannia Sunday Sessions Reggae, dub, roots, R‘n’B, ska and soul courtesy of Daliees Jukebox. The Britannia, Victoria Park Rd, E9 7BT (020 8533 0040). 4pm-late. Free. Shiftless Shuffle DJ Paul Murphy and residents play jazz, funk, Latin and Brazilian fusion. East Village, Great Eastern St, EC2A 3HX (020 7739 5173). 2pm-7pm. £5.

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ARE YOU A FUN, BUBBLY, SOCIABLE PERSON WANTING TO EARN EXTRA MONEY? We require professional, motivated men and women of all ages, who enjoy socialising and meeting new people. We are looking for friendly, bubbly, open minded individuals who pride themselves on being adaptable and getting along with others. Although hours are normally during evenings and weekends, they can be made flexible to fit around an existing work schedule or adapted to those wanting to work part time. So whether you work full time and are wanting to get out and meet new people or simply hoping to take a new career direction, this could be the perfect opportunity for you.

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MONDAY 12 The Albion Band Folk-rock band with a long history, now reformed with a new line-up including fiddle player Katriona Gilmore and concertina player and guitarist Gavin Davenport to promote the album Vice Of The People. Underbelly, Hoxton Sq, N1 6NU (020 7837 4412). £8.

Steel Panther, Falling Red Michael Starr and his Los Angelesbased comedy hard rock band perform a parody of the 1980s glam metal scene with songs containing profane lyrics to promote the album Balls Out. HMV Apollo, Queen Caroline St, W6 9QH (0843 221 0100). £19.50.

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Swans, Sir Richard Bishop New York-based post-punk and experimental rock band, led by singer-songwriter and multiinstrumentalist Michael Gira, that was active during the 1980s no wave scene performs songs album The Seer. Koko, Camden High St, NW1 7JE (0870 432 5527). £20.

Django Django The Londonbased band plays psych pop and indie to promote its selftitled debut album. Heaven, Charing Cross Arches, Villiers St, WC2N 6NG (020 7930 2020). £12. Family Force 5 Heavy rock, with elements of punk, pop, crunk and dance by the outfit from Atlanta, Georgia. The Barfly, Camden, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AN (0844 847 2424). Adv £9. Gotye Alt pop by the Australianbased Belgian singer-songwriter, Wouter de Backer. HMV Apollo, Queen Caroline St, W6 9QH (0843 221 0100). Also Tue, £26.50. Imagine Dragons, Escapists The Las Vegas-based four-piece, featuring vocals from singer Dan Reynolds, plays indie-rock from the album, Night Visions. Dingwalls, Camden Lock, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AB (020 7428 0010/ cc 020 7428 5929). Adv £8. The Lumineers Folk-rock by the band from Denver, Colorado. Koko, Camden High St, NW1 7JE (0870 432 5527). £11. Lynyrd Skynyrd, Red, White & Blues The veteran Southern American group, featuring lead guitarist and founding member Gary Rossington and singer Johnny Van Zant, plays its country-rock hits including Free Bird and Sweet Home Alabama. O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8TT (020 8354 3300/ cc 0844 477 2000). £40.

TUESDAY 13 Andy Burrows The Winchesterborn singer-songwriter who was formerly the drummer for Razorlight and currently We Are Scientists, plays acoustic indie. The Borderline, Orange Yard, Manette St, W1D 4JB (0870 060 3777/ cc 0871 231 0842). £10. Devlin, Krept & Konan, Saving Grace Dagenhamborn MC James Devlin performs grime and hip-hop in support of his album A Moving Picture. The Scala, Pentonville Rd, N1 9NL (020 7833 2022/ cc 0844 477 1000). Adv £13.50. Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds The Britpop forefather and former Oasis songsmith plays solo material with his poprock project, including the single The Death Of You And Me. O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8TT (020 8354 3300/ cc 0844 477 2000). Phone for Prices. Lucy Mason, Ethan Ash, Sunday Waits The Australian singersongwriter, now based in London, plays acoustic pop and folk. The Wilmington Arms, Rosebery Ave, EC1R 4RL (020 7837 1384). £6.

THE POGUES + FRANK TURNER The O2. Dec 20. £32+ The Irish folk punks play their traditional festive show at the famed enormodome with support this year from Olympics-opening Frank Turner (above). SE10 0DX

North Greenwich

Noisettes Singer and bassist Shingai Shoniwa and her soul popsters promote the album Contact. Koko, Camden High St, NW1 7JE (0870 432 5527). Adv £16. Sadie And The Hotheads, Rosie Meek, Molly McQueen The London-based outfit, fronted by actress and singer Elizabeth McGovern, performs a light and laid back blend of indie and folk. The Troubadour, Old Brompton Rd, SW5 9JA (020 7370 1434). £6. Jessie Ware Electro-pop, soul and R‘n’B by the London-based singer, promoting her debut album Devotion. Electric Brixton, Town Hall Parade, Brixton Hill, SW2 1RJ (020 7274 2290). £12.50.

WEDNESDAY 14 Alison & The Earthquakes Grooveladen soul, funk and rhythm ‘n’ blues with gospel style vocal harmonies by the band from Brighton. Floridita, Wardour St, W1F 0TN (020 7314 4042). £10 & £15. Jake Bugg Indie-folk by the singersongwriter from Nottingham, promoting his self-titled debut album. Koko, Camden High St, NW1 7JE (0870 432 5527). £10.50. Casino Royale The Italian band plays an upbeat blend of rock, reggae, hip-hop, dub and funk. Dingwalls, Camden Lock, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AB (020 7428 0010 /cc 020 7428 5929). £10. John Corabi Heavy metal by the singer-guitarist originating from Philadelphia and ex-member of Ratt and Motley Crue, amongst others. The Star Of Kings, York Way, N1 0AX (020 7278 9708). Adv £15.

theo2.co.uk Ladyhawke, Swiss Lips New wave, indie-rock and power-pop from New Zealand-based singersongwriter Phillipa Brown and her band to promote the album Anxiety. HMV Forum, Highgate Rd, NW5 1JY (020 7428 4099). Adv £16. Sidi Toure The singer-songwriter from Bamako, Mali plays Afrobeat and roots blues. Cafe Oto, Ashwin St, E8 3DL (020 7923 1231). Adv £7.50. The Twang The Birmingham-based band plays indie-rock and Brit pop in support of the album 10:20. The Scala, Pentonville Rd, N1 9NL (020 7833 2022/cc 0844 477 1000). £15.

THURSDAY 15 The Heather Findlay Band The singer-songwriter, multiinstrumentalist and former Mostly Autumn frontwoman leads her group in playing rock The Borderline, Orange Yard, Manette St, W1D 4JB (0870 060 3777/ cc 0871 231 0842). £12. Holograms Punk with an electro twist by the band from Stockholm. Shacklewell Arms, Shacklewell Ln, E8 2EB (020 7249 0810). Adv £6. Chris Moyles The former Radio 1 breakfast presenter performs a parody of songs and comedy with a live band and his broadcast team including Comedy Dave. O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8TT (020 8354 3300/ cc 0844 477 2000). £19.50 Rizzle Kicks Indie-influenced contemporary hip-hop and pop from the Brighton-based duo. Roundhouse, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8EH (0844 482 8008). £17.50.

Tegan And Sara The Canadian twins perform new wave indie-pop and folk-rock ahead of the release of their seventh studio album, Heartthrob. HMV Forum, Highgate Rd, NW5 1JY (020 7428 4099). £20.

FRIDAY 16 Alabama Shakes The American four-piece plays blues-rock and soul from the album Boys & Girls. The Coronet, New Kent Rd, SE1 6TJ (020 7701 1500). Adv £18.50. Deaf Havana, Canterbury, There For Tomorrow The fourpiece plays anthemic alternative rock and post-hardcore. O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8TT (020 8354 3300/ cc 0844 477 2000). £14. Flying Lotus Experimental electronica and dance by Californian musician, Steven Ellison. Troxy, Commercial Rd, E1 0HX (020 7748 2728). £25. Beth Hart, Joe Allen Soulful rock from the American singersongwriter. HMV Forum, Highgate Rd, NW5 1JY (020 7428 4099). £22.50. The Killers The multi-platinum selling four-piece from Las Vegas, led by vocalist and keyboard player Brandon Flowers, plays anthemic indie-rock in support of the album Battle Born. The O2 Arena, Peninsula Sq, SE10 0DX (0844 856 0202). Also Sat. £35 & £45. Snowgoose Contemporary folk by the five-piece band based in Glasgow. The Barfly, Camden, Chalk Farm Rd, NW1 8AN (0844 847 2424). Adv £12. Window Seats, Stanmore, Bedlam Crooks, The Move-Ons The alternative rock three-piece from Belfast, featuring vocals from the singer Jude McCaffrey, performs grunge-rock and postpunk. 100 Club, Oxford St, W1D 1LL (020 7636 0933). £10, adv £8.

SATURDAY 17

Speech Debelle The Londonbased singer-songwriter and Mercury Prize-winner performs hip-hop and soulful R‘n’B. Village Underground, Holywell Ln, EC2A 3PQ (020 7422 7505). £12.

Cody Simpson The Australian singer-songwriter, who gained fame after posting videos of his songs on YouTube, promotes his debut album Paradise. IndigO2, Peninsula Sq, SE10 0DX (0871 220 0260). £17.50 & £22.

Aslan The Dublin-based veterans play acoustic rock. O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8TT (020 8354 3300/ cc 0844 477 2000). £24.50.

Adam Green & Binki Shapiro The singer-songwriter duo plays ethereal contemporary folk to promote its self-titled debut album. Bush Hall, Uxbridge Rd, W12 7LJ (020 8222 6955). £12.50.

Smoove And Turrell, The Piccadilly Bullfrogs The two-piece from the North East plays Northern soul to promote the album Eccentric Audio. Floridita, Wardour St, W1F 0TN (020 7314 4042). £10 & £15.

Blood On The Dance Floor The flamboyant, provocative Arizona-based two-piece fuses electro-pop, crunk and emo. King’s College London Students’ Union, Macadam Building, Surrey St, WC2R 2NS (020 7848 1588). £10.

Motorhead/Anthrax, Diaries Of A Hero The veteran heavy metallers led by rock icon Lemmy and the American thrash combo perform co-headlining shows. O2 Academy Brixton, Stockwell Rd, SW9 9SL (0844 477 2000/cc 0844 477 2000). £31. Space, Dollface A reformed lineup of the Liverpool-based Britpop and indie-rock band that was prominent in the 1990s with the hit songs Female Of The Species and Neighbourhood. O2 Academy Islington, Parkfield St, N1 0PS (020 7288 4400/ cc 0844 477 2000). £17.50. Tulisa The chart-topping singer and X Factor judge from Camden, who gained fame as a member of the hip-hop group N-Dubz, performs chart pop, R‘n’B and dance to promote her debut solo album The Female Boss. G-A-Y Bar, Old Compton St, W1D 4UR (020 74942756). W/wristbands £4. The Vaccines The Londonbased four-piece plays anthemic Indie-rock and post-punk revival, with influences from 1950s rock ‘n’ roll and 1980s American hardcore. Alexandra Palace, Alexandra Palace Way, N22 7AY (020 8365 2121). £20, disabled £10.

SUNDAY 18 Catfish Keith Acoustic blues from the American singer-songwriter and slide guitar player to promote the album Put On A Buzz. Half Moon, Putney, Lower Richmond Rd, SW15 1EU (020 8780 9383). £14. Stephanie O’Brien Pop from the singer-songwriter, multiinstrumentalist and ex-member of the Puppini Sisters. The Green Note Cafe, Parkway, NW1 7AN (020 7485 9899). Adv £8. Rahsaan Patterson The singer-songwriter, producer and actor, from The Bronx, New York, performs R‘n’B, soul and hip-hop from his album Bleuphoria. The Jazz Cafe, Parkway, NW1 7PG (020 7485 6834/ cc 0870 060 3777). £26.50. Yiannis Ploutarhos The singersongwriter from Greece plays pop and contemporary iaiko songs. HMV Forum, Highgate Rd, NW5 1JY (020 7428 4099). £35 & £45. Sodom, Gospel Of The Horns, Ancient Ascendant Thrash metal by the band formed in Gelsenkirchen, Germany. The Underworld, Camden High St, NW1 0NE (020 7482 1932). £17. Supersilent The Norwegian avant-garde and improvisational music trio is joined by Led Zeppelin multi-instrumentalist John Paul Jones. Village Underground, Holywell Ln, EC2A 3PQ (020 7422 7505). Adv £18. Tower Of Power Funk and soul by the well-established combo from the USA. O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12 8TT (020 8354 3300/cc 0844 477 2000). £26. Rufus Wainwright The Canadian singer-songwriter performs baroque pop from his album Out Of The Game. HMV Apollo, Queen Caroline St, W6 9QH (0843 221 0100). £37.50-£50.

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Go to tntmagazine.com/competitions. See webpage for terms and conditions. Winners will be selected at random.

MAGIC OF MOTOWN TICKETS Ain’t no mountain high, ain’t no valley low, ain’t no river wide enough – to keep The Magic Of Motown concert show from getting to UK music lovers in 2012... The non-stop spectacular features 36 massive chart-toppers from The Supremes, The Temptations, Four Tops, Jackson 5, Stevie Wonder, Marvin Gaye, Martha Reeves, Lionel Richie and more. An all-star cast, a talented live band that faithfully reproduces Motown’s original Detroit sound, 16 sparkling costume changes and tightly choreographed dance routines saw the show attract glowing reviews in 2011.

The Magic Of Motown is preparing to sign, seal and deliver the biggest production ever in its nine-year history at the IndigO2 this November. TNTT is offering eight lucky readers the opportunity to win a pair of tickets to see the show. To book tickets call the box office on 08445 763 000 or visit the website (bic.co.uk). To view the other shows we have going on, please visit easytheatres.com. Enter at tntmagazine.com/competitions

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Rhod Gilbert The stand-up on being angry, how nagging launched his career and becoming Wales’s sexiest specimen INTERVIEW ALASDAIR MORTON

Where did your show’s title, The Man With The Flaming Battenberg Tattoo, come from? The show tells the story about how this tattoo [of a flaming cake] changed my life. The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo was around at the time, and was quite big. It’s not a parody, but an obvious nod.

Chilled: cake ink has made Rhod mellow

Is it about trying to mellow out? I am trying to be a bit calmer. All my life I have been an argumentative, contrary little shit and I am trying not to be like that so much. It is difficult as it is who I am and this is about how that tattoo has helped. How has the tattoo changed you? A couple of years ago I would not have admitted to being like that, but now I am coming to terms with who I am. Being that person never had any redeeming side to it – it has always been a bane of my life and I denied it – but now, as I am making money from it through stand-up and I’ve made a career out of it, I am starting to see a positive side. I still hate being like this, though. So what annoys you? Any given thing at any given time – it could be the smallest, most petty thing. Often it’s marketing that gets me. In this new show I read out letters I’ve written to companies in the past that have pissed me off. And politics winds me up, despite the fact I don’t know much about it. That’s my problem – rather than being someone who knows about everything and responds rationally, I just respond passionately and from the heart, but don’t know much about what I’m on about. Who’s felt the Rhod wrath? First Great Western [train company from London to Wales], Innocent smoothies, Braun, The Body Shop … it can be anything. Announcing over the Tannoy in the quiet carriage on the train for everyone to be quiet – it’s just pointless. Did anger management classes help? I talk about it in the show, some of which is taken from the anger management diaries I wrote during those sessions. You’re meant to write about all the little incidents that have annoyed you, but I’ve used it as a device for this show like documentary evidence.

You didn’t start stand-up until your 30s – what prompted you then? I had no interest in comedy before, never been to a comedy show, but this girlfriend I had been with for eight years just nagged. I’ve known two things all my life: one, I am an argumentative person and two, I’ve always tried to make people laugh. I’ve never had much interest in anything else. She spotted that and kept on at me saying: “You should do something with this.” Why had you not thought of it before? I thought, “Other people do that.” I am from one of those families who think showbiz is in your family, the right to go on the stage is handed down in some way. But she was one of those can-do people who think there’s nothing you can’t put your mind to, there are no barriers! So I did a comedy club gig and it went from there. And you did a comedy course, too… Yeah, to give me some confidence and to see if I had any aptitude for it. For our graduation ceremony we all did a five-minute set and it went really well but it was a completely false environment. Everyone there was about to get up and do it themselves so the atmosphere was electric and celebratory, like those moments in movies when everyone throws their hats in the air. Everyone took the roof off and it is probably still my best gig. We all went out thinking we

were comedy geniuses and the next week died on our arses out in the real world. How did that show affect you? I thought I wanted to do it again and get better and better. And then the awards started coming. What’s been your strangest gig? When you start, you do some very odd shows. I did one in St Moritz on top of a mountain. I had to walk a mile through the snow just to get there, and then did the gig on a crate in the corner of a restaurant. I did one at an army barracks in Iraq with bombs going off and people standing there with machine guns. That was totally weird. What is more important, winning one of your multitude of comedy awards or Wales’s Sexiest Male 2010? They both took me equally by surprise but the second one is even more ridiculous. It is just embarrassing because people get the impression that I believe it’s true, and I obviously don’t. I don’t even take it with a pinch of salt, but one of those big yellow things filled with salt on the side of the road. The Man With The Flaming Battenberg Tattoo is out Nov 19 through Channel 4 DVD. Gilbert plays Fairfield Halls, Croydon, Dec 2. East Croydon CR9 1DG fairfield.co.uk

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From Pie to politics: Jason Biggs leads the campaign

GRASSROOTS FILM review by Alasdair Morton STARRING: Jason Biggs, Joel David Moore | 15 | 98mins | Out now

MENTAL FILM STARRING: Toni Collette, Anthony LaPaglia | 15 | 116mins

Toni Collette is the wacky nanny of five kids in this new comedy from the director of Muriel’s Wedding, PJ Hogan. As fans of Collette and Hogan’s earlier effort will appreciate, Mental mixes brash, in-your-face comedy with emotional drama for a totally unique movie, albeit one that is likely to polarise audiences with its take on mental illness. On general release from Nov 16

With the world having been consumed with the election Stateside, this political comedy is timely. And yet, its message, of youth challenging experience, the inevitability of change and the political machinations required to win, are eternal. Jason ‘pie-fucker’ Biggs and Joel David ‘Avatar science bod’ Moore star in this based-on-a-true-story tale, Biggs as out-of-work journo Phil, who takes up his oddball mate Grant’s (Moore) offer of running his campaign for a seat on Seattle City Council. A single-issue candidate, as incumbent McIver (Cedric The Entertainer) dismisses, they’re looking to mobilise the young and disenfranchised and use the city’s equally needed and lambasted plans to extend its monorail public transport system as their ticket to success. “By refusing to compromise and telling the truth, it’s the only way to beat them,” Grant tells a group of high schoolers. Grassroots proudly wears its naivety and observational nous. In charging up the stoners and slackers of the Pacific northwest, Phil and Grant achieve what no one thought possible, but only through resorting to the sort of spin and opportunism they previously railed against. The comedy is broad and character-based, but a few narrative strands are never fully fleshed out, such as a monorail supporter who anonymously helps the nascent campaign (How I Met Your Mother’s Cobie Smulders). While it doesn’t have the under-the-skin grit of more significant political flicks, it appeals, and will appeal, to the broadly politically interested – much like its protagonists’ campaign, really. GOOD FOR: Seeing slackers get motivated to make a change you can almost believe in.

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GIVE US A

LIVE AT THE CHAPEL: REGGIE WATTS

GIGGLE!

COMEDY

You can expect improvised music, comedy and, more than likely given the developments of last week, a little political commentary, too. The versatile New Yorker is a wholly unique performer – a one man band/show/rapping powerhouse, if you will – who has to be seen to be believed.

Ha ha!

Union Chapel N1 2UN. Nov 18. £18 Highbury & Islington liveatthechapel.co.uk

DEATH: A SELF PORTRAIT

BLACKTA

EXHIBITION

THEATRE

Fascinating, slightly macabre and, sadly, relevant to all of us, the Wellcome Collection’s new exhibition looks at society’s attitude to death and mortality. Chicago collector Richard Harris’s private collection brings together more than 300 artefacts, photos and bits and bobs related to our own finite amount of time on this earth.

Trying to make a living as an actor isn’t easy; glowing reviews are no guarantee of the big time. But according to actor and first-time playwright Nathaniel Martello-White’s new play it’s even harder if you’re black – or (as he calls his characters) brown or yellow. An occasionally self-indulgent satire with snappy banter. LK

Wellcome Collection NW1 2BE. Nov 15-Feb 27. Free Euston Square wellcomecollection.org

Young Vic Theatre The Cut, SE1 8LZ. Until Nov 24. £10+ Waterloo youngvic.org

ADAM LARTER What is the show about? ROFL and LOL is one of my favourite open mic nights in London. It is wonderfully anarchic, immensely varied and fun. I haven’t written my set yet, though. What is the funniest thing you have ever seen? It’s probably [comedian] Barnaby J Thompson’s Tibetan Book Of The Dead The Musical – the man is an absolute genius and I think that everyone should see him.

Photos: Stephen Cummiskey; Getty

Where was your first show and how did it go? It was at the Cavendish Arms [in Stockwell] and I was doing a double act with Ali Brice. It was very poor and quite possibly offensive.

TWILIGHT SAGA BREAKING DAWN PART II

NSFW

FILM

THEATRE

They finally fucked, putting the franchise’s no nookie ‘til marriage vow in the trash, but all is still not well for the emo-kids. Bella and Edward’s born-a-vamp-daughter violates some bloodsuckers code, angering the Volturi. Again. Bill Condon (Dreamgirls) is the latest to call the shots in this fantasy series which, to be honest, outstayed its welcome ages ago.

As Lucy Kirkwood reminds us at the end of her short, witty two-pronged attack on the magazine industry, women may have the vote but they still have a tough fight ahead of them. NSFW (‘not safe for work’) takes us into the bloke-ish offices of lads’ mag Doghouse, then to the sleek offices of woman’s magazine Electra. Very funny. LK

On general release from Nov 16

Royal Court Theatre Sloane Square, SW1 8AS. Until Nov 24. £10+ Sloane Square royalcourttheatre.com

Who inspired you to pick up the mic? Seeing Ed Aczel at Outside The Box in Kingston made me realise I could do what I wanted. What’s the best joke you have ever heard? There is a guy on the circuit who does a great joke about odour eaters, how’s that? ROFL and LOL The Finsbury, 336 Green Lanes, N4 1BY. Nov 14, 7pm. Free Manor House

thefinsbury.co.uk

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Who would have predicted it? Not Mewes 28

[Caption]

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Snootchie bootchies... Jason Mewes comes clean on Jay, Silent Bob, his first forays into threesomes and escaping a drug-fuelled past WORDS ALASDAIR MORTON The first time Jason Mewes, the foul-mouthed half of Jay and Silent Bob, came to London, it was on the press tour for 2001’s Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back movie and the city failed to make much of an impression. Eleven years later, when he and Kevin Smith embarked on touring the live show of their hugely popular weekly podcast, Jay And Silent Bob Get Old, around the UK, Smith discovered that his newly sober buddy had little recollection of being in London previously. Which might explain why Mewes was much more taken with the Big Smoke when he and Smith played at the Hammersmith Apollo earlier this year. “Me and the wife [Jordan] talk about it. I love living in LA, but if there was anywhere else I’d love to live, it would be London,” Mewes tells us, as we catch up with him on the phone from his home in LA. He’s chatting to us while packing ahead of jetting off to Connecticut for what is fast approaching the 100th ... Get Old podcast. “I like the people, I feel the vibe of it. It’s a beautiful city, man.” Mewes’ opposing experiences of London fairly encapsulate the journey in recent years of this slacker/junkieturned-Hollywood actor. Mewes was thrust into the spotlight by Smith’s breakout Clerks, a comic book-splattered no-budget flick that achieved instant cult fame, in which he played Jay, the crude and highly vocal half of the convenience store-loitering duo. He appeared as the character in Smith’s following five movies, but while his supporting turns ran right up to a whole film about the hapless duo, 2001’s ... Strike Back, off camera, Mewes’ life wasn’t following the same climb to success. Behind the scenes he was plagued by substance abuse, and continued attempts at rehab, none of which ever took. As long-term friend and supporter Smith noted of Mewes on stage in London at the start of the year: “You couldn’t even produce a fucking heart beat because of all the heroin, and now you’ve produced a movie.” The pair’s, but particularly Mewes’, past are the focus for their live podcast tour – all three of their 2012 Teabagging In The UK shows feature in the out-for-Christmas DVD – which is equal parts for the ‘View Askewniverse’ fans (as Smith’s movie fans call it), as it is for Mewes himself as a weekly therapy stand-in where he can discuss his unruly past. “The first part of the show is us talking about what has been going on in the last couple of weeks,” Mewes says of

the format they’ve taken out on the road for nearly two years now. “The second part is usually some kind of wacky, crazy sex story, like crapping yourself when you’re in bed with a woman, and the last part is usually a drugs story in which I tell people how many days I have sober (closing in on 700 days at the time of the London show, which received a

“

There’s usually some crazy sex story there

”

strangely ‘American’ round of applause).” Such has been the role that the show’s played in Mewes’ recovery that the odd times they have not been able to record a podcast when other movie work has clashed, fans ››

Jay and Silent Bob just figured out they were in a movie of their own

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Mewes at the movies; hanging out in Clerks II; on stage with Kevin Smith

any pause for thought. “It’s always a good one to tell, especially when it is given in great detail. It’s a pretty amazing story, and it was a pretty awesome situation, man.” Despite the fact the content of their shows is not for the easily offended, ‘off-stage’ Mewes comes across as less like his on-screen alter ego than you might expect. Their penchant for profanity is a shared passion, granted, but Mewes now seems humbled by his success rather than unaware of it, and proud of the century milestone he and Smith have almost reached with ... Get Old. Walking out on to the stage of the 5000-capacity Apollo back in February, their biggest show to date which was sold out weeks before, was clearly still a moving experience for someone who knows just how fortunate he has been. “Everything with me is an open book and the podcast is me being accountable to other people,” he reflects. “It’s me being able to tell old stories that I can laugh about now, but I don’t want to ever go back there or be in that sort of situation again. As long as the podcast helps me stay sober and entertains, that’s the goal.” Away from Jay, he now has a successful career as an actor, with 10 projects this year alone and more lined up. He has plans to move behind the camera in the future, too. “I am into anything,” he says of his ambition. “I just directed a PSA [public service announcement – called My Mom Is ...] and am producing a cartoon [and exec-produced horror movie Switchback] and I want to do more. More TV, and just to direct more, too.” But as for the live action Jay and Silent Bob, it appears they may have loitered on the big screen for the last time, with Mewes saying he and Smith are set to focus on the cartoon and podcast for now, with no more plans for New Jersey convenience store-bound movies right now. Will they be back in Mewes’ second favourite town again in the near future? For fans the news on this is significantly better. “Definitely, we’ve been talking about it and exploring the possibilities of how we can do it again,” Mewes says. “Any chance to be able to go out to London for work is a real plus for me.” ❚ Jay And Silent Bob Get Old – Teabagging In The UK is out November 19 through Kaleidoscope Home Entertainment

Photos: Courtesy of Dimension Films/ Miramax Films/Getty; Kevin Winter Images

have tweeted the duo, unsure of whether this marks a falling from the wagon or not. “People are always really concerned and keeping track of whether I am sober and stuff, which is really cool,” he says, clearly moved by people’s support. Mewes, for one, does not shirk from talking about the more gut-wrenching moments of his past life: getting booted out by his missus for spending the last of their money on drugs, tearing off through back alleys and fields with a pocket full of narcotics and the cops in pursuit, or a festive memory that would be especially grim and harrowing, were it not told with his trademark self-mocking awareness and the wisdom of a reformed junkie. “People always dig the story about when I got high during Christmas,” he recalls of what is, in some respects, the Stairway To Heaven of his ‘past indiscretions’ tour. “It’s one of the biggest drug stories I have that I can go back to now and laugh at, but it was really sad at the time. “I was really messed up and we’d lost all the power and the heat as we hadn’t paid our bills. We were getting thrown out of our apartment and had candles everywhere, all over the place, man. We fell asleep high and the fucking couch caught fire!” If the show is half about Mewes’ narcotic past, then it is just as much about his sex life, too – its past (a London encounter gives rise to the UK show’s title, shall we say), its present and, as an anecdote about wanting his wife to put on a British accent reveals, its possible future. Predictably, he and Smith’s penchant for the lurid is never far from the discussion, whether it be their dogs humping each other or Mewes explaining his reliance on his ‘half-halfwhole’ penetrative approach. As fans of Jay and Silent Bob will know, sex – be it discussed, sought or simulated – is never off, or far from, the agenda. For example, a segment that frequently closes out the show involves audience members in on-stage clinches with Mewes as they act out sexual positions such as ‘Riding Nelson’s Column’. “I love telling stories and telling the truth,” he says of his fearless approach to the shows. “But also entertaining and keeping people interested.” Does he have any favourite stories for the smut segment? “The first time I had a threesome,” he shoots back without TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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SPARETIME

Various Artists: The Sapphires

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Call Of Duty: Black Ops II

Game

Jessica Mauboy stars in this soundtrack to the feelgood hit movie about the Sixties Aboriginal singing sensations. £11.99 amazon.co.uk

Super spy-soldier-ass-kicker Alex Mason returns in this sequel to one of the biggest games of all time. £42.99 amazon.co.uk

Green Day: ¡Dos!

F1 Race Stars Wii Game

Formula 1 teams, drivers and circuits given a knockabout cartoon makeover. £34.99 play.com

The San Fran punks’ second installment of their ambitious new three-part album. £8.99 amazon.co.uk

Wreck-It Ralph Bernhard Jaumann: The Hour Of The Jackal

App

Arcade graphics for nostalgists and younger, eight-bit oblivious gamers. £0.69 itunes.apple.com

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The South African secret police, assassinations and conspiracies galore in this nerve-shredding page turner. £10.99 amazon.co.uk

Munch-5-A-Day App

Been in the UK too long? Picked up bad eating habits? Sort out your five-a-day now. FREE itunes.apple.com

John Harrison: Make Your Own Beer, Wine And Cider Book

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Union Jack phone Gadget

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Margin Call DVD

Simon Baker joins an ensemble cast in this taut Wall Street thriller about when it all went tits up. £9.99 play.com

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It’s a remote controlled flying fish – enough said! £49.99 play.com

Cosmopolis DVD

Robert Pattinson stars in this wondrous oddity from famed director David Cronenberg. £13.99 amazon.co.uk

App of the Week TacheLapse App

In honour of Movember, this time-lapse app allows you to document your month-long tache-cultivation exploits for all to see. FREE itunes.apple.com

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Get some sheep thrills this week with a new knitted scarf or shawl designed by Electronic Sheep. One of our favourite east London spots will host the brand’s latest offerings. The Old Shoreditch Station, Dream Bags Jaguar Shoes’ sister venue, now stocks the award-winning knitwear from Irish duo Brenda Aherne and Helen Delany. Since they began their label in 1998, naming it after Philip K Dick’s novel Do Androids Dream Of Electric Sheep?, their designs have consistently burst with colour and quirky touches, and this season’s range is no exception. Their latest creations fall under the banner ‘Pink Noir,’ and are their twist on Film Noir cinema, Sixties graphic design and the beatnik era – sounds like a winner to us. Follow the herd and get yourself a triangle scarf, an oversized cardigan or a sweater dress in store. OPEN 9am-10pm daily (not Sundays) COST Items from £30 jaguarshoes.com, electronicsheep.com 1 Kingsland Road, E2 8AA Hoxton

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Lowe Alpine Men’s Airzone ND32 Complete with a walking pole gripper for hiking. cotswoldoutdoor.com

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9/11/12 12:57:51

LIFESTYLEHEALTH CLASS OF THE WEEK

LONDON METEORS The London Meteors are one of the oldest softball clubs in the UK and have teams of all abilities in both slow-pitch and fast-pitch forms of the game playing on their three diamonds in Finsbury Park. Slow-pitch is the most popular type of softball in the country, played with five men and five women per team. This social game places an emphasis on hitting the ball, rather than trying to strike out opposing batters, meaning everyone gets a chance to enjoy the feeling of whacking the ball across the park. They also have fast-pitch teams, in which – as the name suggests – the pitching and the speed of play is faster. For an even quicker game, The Meteors are aligned to baseball club the London Mets, the only club in London with teams in every division, from under-10s kids through to all levels of adults. All of these versions of base sports are great for toning up legs and thighs. Winter is a great time to try out America’s favourite pastime, with ‘Baseball for Beginners’ starting in January. Membership costs from £90 per year per adult or from £25 for a beginners course over five or seven weeks.

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Roller rumble TNT joins the fiercest girls on skates for a punkrock roller derby league practice WORDS JADE BREMNER Roller derby is for hardcore girls who can take a hit at 20mph, get floored and bounce straight back up. Girls who go by nicknames such as MurderUrs, Velvet Vandal and Rebel Rebel, and play for teams such as Voodoo Skull Krushers and Ultraviolent Femmes. And it’s not just a game, it’s a lifestyle, as I find out when I join the London Rockin’ Rollers (LRR) for training. Among the first I meet is Jackie Mason, aka Jack Attack, who’s been skating for five years and represents England and the Neanderdolls, one of LRR’s three inter-league teams. “Derby is the biggest girl gang in the world,” she says. I can see what she means – more than 30 women have turned up for this Wednesday night practice in Tottenham, and they look more like a motorcycle gang or punk band than a sports team, with their tattoos, piercings and heavy metal T-shirts. “Everyone is like a superhero with an alter ego,” says Jack Attack. “We have people from all backgrounds. They may be ‘Mum’ at home, but they’re known as ‘Murder’ here.” Jack Attack is one of the founding members of LRR and a coach for the club. “There’s a real punk attitude in the sport,” she says, explaining that although derby’s

been around since the Thirties, it’s enjoying a revival, sparked in the early 2000s in Texas. The sport has since become hugely popular worldwide, with more than 1200 amateur leagues. Jack Attack says about 160 Londoners play the fast-growing game and there are around 75 derby leagues in the UK. It’s not just a sport for chicks, either. “Guys love watching derby because they’re initially attracted by the girls skating around in short skirts and hitting each other,” Jack Attack laughs. “Then they watch the game and get hooked. They realise that there’s more to the sport and they keep coming back.” The overall principle of the game is simple. Each team of five has a designated point-scorer called a ‘jammer’, marked by stars on her helmet. On a flat, runningtrack-shaped surface, the other four players on each team – blockers – use all their might and skill to help their jammer lap the opposition or stop the opposing jammer from getting by them. All of this while on roller skates. Jack Attack summarises it best: “Skate fast, turn left, hit a bitch.” I watch as girls skate faster than I can ride a bike pound the deck and bounce back up with smiles on their faces. I hesitantly get

Green Lanes, N4 1DZ londonmeteors.co.uk Finsbury Park

Blocker: Rebel Rebel roughing up 34

Yes, ma’am: Von Bitch coaches TNT’s Jade

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WHAT’S NEW

Balmi Mini balls of SPF lip balm in mint and raspberry £4.99 balmi.co.uk

On a roll: Jack Attack in action kitted up for a try. “What skates have you tried before?” asks Jo Bell, aka Von Bitch, another founding member. “Er, Fisher Price?” I reply. They hand me a waiver, but luckily for me they’re not going to throw me to the lions – yet. “Our league was started DIY-style,” Von Bitch says. She recalls having to learn the hard way in 2007, with players regularly breaking bones while getting to grips with the game. “We had no idea what we were doing, we had to learn everything from YouTube,” she says. But Von Bitch is now an expert. She teaches me some basic moves. LRR are all about controlled aggression, so newbies have to pass a ‘Fresh Meat’ course before they’re allowed to get involved in a scrimmage. During this three-month course beginners learn how skate, fall properly, how to barge (no punching, no elbowing, no kicking or attacking the face). While Fresh Meat classes limit the risks involved, it’s still not a sport for the feeble. “We’re proud of

our war wounds,” Jack Attack says. “Bruises are common, they’re like badges of honour.” From my short skating session, it becomes apparent that roller derby is hugely inclusive – whatever your athletic ability, body shape, cultural background or gender (there are also men’s leagues and transsexuals are welcomed), you can play roller derby. Jack Attack explains large and small ladies are needed for different roles. And it is an intense workout. “Everyone new tones up, loses weight and works everything from their legs to their coordination,” Jack Attack says. “You become obsessed with it, and I’ve never had so many female friends. You become mentally tough, it makes you physically stronger, and when you sign up, you also adopt a big family.”

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Fresh Meat tryouts cost £8 per session or £40 per month. The next match is on December 15. londonrockinrollers.co.uk

Photos: Llewellyn Cass and LRR

TOP TREATMENT: ULTIMATE PAMPER During the dark and bitter winter months, it’s easy to lose the motivation to go out, meaning that you relax your beauty regime. But hair and beauty salon 3thirty can get you back on track. This package includes a 30-minute facial, eyebrow shaping (using the threading technique), eyelash tint, bikini wax, and nail shape and polish, which will leave you feeling glam and glowing from tip to toe. Perfect for getting rid of those winter blues. £50

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LIFESTYLECAREERS

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Lord of the decks: DJs rule the dancefloor

Be a superstar DJ Want to rule the rave and get paid for it? Or put that encyclopedic pop knowledge to good use? Master the decks and you’re on track Standing on a podium presiding over a crowd of thousands – they’re dripping with sweat, throwing shapes and hanging off your every beat, transition and word. Then, just as you think the rush can’t get any better, a queue of girls (or guys) is waiting to meet you. This is being a DJ, a hard industry to crack but one in which if you make it, you make it big. You may not become the next Fat Boy Slim or David Guetta, but working DJs and industry experts tell TNT you too could get a taste of the action ...

Rob LoCo, DJ/Club Promoter For LoCo, who makes a living as a DJ, it’s all about the music. He gets paid to listen to it and mixes both vinyl and digital tracks – it’s the perfect job for 36

the dance-obsessed 34-year-old. It all started when he was 15 and went backstage at a festival. “A DJ was performing to a large crowd of thousands of people,” LoCo says. “I was mesmerised by what he was doing, I knew then it was what I wanted to do.” A love of music isn’t enough to be a great DJ, though, as LoCo says the show is key. “I’m a real performer,” he says. “To become successful, you need to be creative and think of ways that you can be different.” LoCo’s played major London clubs and the massive Burning Man Festival in Nevada, and one philosophy follows him always – he says a DJ should always remember they’re “playing for the crowd and not for yourself!”

“Some DJs get paid thousands of pounds to play for just one hour,” LoCo says. “But you will only ever reach that level if you commit to it 100 per cent, and if there is something very special about you.” A good way to start is to DJ for free – you’ll get exposure and hone your show. “After a while, you may find that you start getting paid gigs,” he explains. “Embrace the new technology being created for DJs and learn your craft.”

John BUZZ Behan, ex-DJ/MC For former DJ Behan, 37, the profession has more obvious advantages. “I‘m not going to prattle on like some DJs about loving the music,” he says. “Fuck the music. I will sum it up in two words: alcohol and girls.

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ON THE JOB ELLEN HOULIHAN CAREER Teaching assistant AGE 22 LIVES London FROM London How did you get into your line of work? I decided from an early age, in sixth form I believe, that I wanted to work in the field of mental health, so I started working with special needs kids in schools.

Photos: Thinkstock

Crowds love you

DJ LoCo

“I went from being WHERE TO START But he knows what Shrek to Brad Pitt • Listen to as much music as you clubs are looking for. overnight,” he says, can. Find out which genre really “Technical ability and recalling being 5ft away moves you and what type of DJ musical knowledge are from a free bar after his you really want to be. paramount, but it’s not set and “all eyes were • Once you have a goal in mind, enough nowadays,” he on me”. the next step is to get some budget says. “You need to be “Girls were queuing decks and a mixer, and find out up there with the social up and I was getting how to use them properly. networks and the latest paid for it. I would have • Booking yourself into a DJ course online mixes.” done it for free.” is a fast track way to learn. There’s He adds: “Be realistic At Behan’s peak, plenty out there, such as the DJ and don’t promise a he was playing in Academy (djacademy.org.uk) and promoter or club things commercial clubs across Become A DJ (becomeadj.co.uk). you can’t deliver – that’s the UK and earning • Record yourself mixing and a surefire way to burn £600 for about 20 actively seek feedback from friends your bridges.” hours a week of work. and, more importantly, other DJs. Ryan Tutt, DJ It’s not all free booze • Practice, practice, practice! and babes though, he Tutt, 32, has been warns. Only become a a DJ for more than DJ if you “don’t mind having drunken 15 years. He says it takes relentless chavs spit in your ear every time they dedication to reach a point where ask for a song to be played”. the hard work is rewarded. But if you “I can mix, I’m cocky and confident, make it, “You get paid for something and so I find the job incredibly easy and you love doing and people love you incredibly enjoyable,” he says. for doing it!” he says. “You get job But it takes work to reach that point satisfaction, to travel and the and success won’t come to you: “Find buzz of the crowd roaring the door yourself ... and kick it down.” when you drop a big tune,” NEXT WEEK Seb Fontaine, creative director he says of the perks. Fontaine books DJs for Portobello Road Tech start-ups: launching the “Does it get nightclub Westbourne Studios and says next Google any better it’s “bloody hard” to get gigs when than that?” you’re starting out.

What do you do day-to-day? I work one-on-one with a disabled girl in a primary school. I supervise her in the classroom and help her go about her daily routine at school and interacting with other children. What’s the most challenging part? It’s hard work but it’s rewarding. The girl and the other students are very appreciative and I get to have fun and be creative during various tasks throughout the day. What’s the most challenging? The girl can sometimes be a bit violent, so coping with that can be a challenge. However, I’ve seen her improve, which makes it all worthwhile.

HOW TO...

SWITCH CAREER Starting to think you’ve chosen the wrong career path? Here’s how to make a change ...

• Write down your skills to

assess what you’re best at and what you enjoy the most.

• Volunteer for organisations in the field you want to switch over to. This will help build new skills and demonstrates your commitment.

• Consider your finances. You

might need to save some money to support you through the first stages of a new career.

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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tntjobs.co.uk ORIGIN T: 020 7617 7894 www.origincare.com

JOB OF THE WEEK: Live-In Carers Location: London & South East Salary: £574 per week

Live-in roles typically of 2 weeks on and 1 week off. Free specialist training provided with Origin, a dedicated company established over 10 years.

Our clients are young adults with a spinal injury. We need positive people to help them live independently. Free accommodation, food and refunded travel expenses! Promotional prospects and higher rates of pay available.

BERKELEY SCOTT LIMITED

JOB OF THE WEEK: Chefs for Temporary and Permanent Positions Location: Central London Salary: Various

T: 020 7268 6264 www.berkeley-scott.co.uk We are the UK’s market leaders in Hospitality Recruitment both Temporary and Permanent.

John Hardy | 020 7617 7894 | johnhardy@origincare.com

We have immediate vacancies for Temp Chefs with lots of hours available at some of London’s best venues. Also have a variety of Full time positions for CDP’s and Sous Chefs - apply now! Mike Gardner | 020 7268 6264 | mike.gardner@berkeley-scott.co.uk

EVOLVE HOSPITALITY T: 020 7397 1265 www.evolvehospitality.co.uk Evolve Hospitality specialises in supplying staffing solutions to the Hospitality and Catering industry. We believe in evolving the standards of service, be it in a Michelin-starred restaurant, a 5* hotel or an events venue.

DRAYCOTT NURSING & CARE T: 020 7351 7171 www.draycottnursing.co.uk We are a leading UK domiciliary care provider. Offering a professional and discreet service in the comfort of clients homes.

PINES AND NEEDLES T: 0845 458 2788 www.pinesandneedles.com London’s leading and friendliest Christmas tree company with stores across the capital.

JOB OF THE WEEK: Experienced Silver Service Staff, Waiters and Waitresses, Chef de Parties and Pastry Chefs

Location: Central London Salary: £6.50 - £14 an hour depending on role Evolve Hospitality is looking to recruit with immediate start. Please send your CV to symmone@evolvehospitality.co.uk and specify in the subject line what job you are applying for.

JOB OF THE WEEK: Live-in or Live-out Carer / Nurse Location: London Salary: Competitive rates We are looking for experienced, well-presented and professional Live in and Live out Carers & Nurses to provide exceptional one to one home care to our clients. Georgie or Cesca | 020 7351 7171 | recruitment@draycottnursing.co.uk

JOB OF THE WEEK: Christmas Tree Sales Team Location: 16 sites across London Salary: £7 per hour plus bonus We’re looking for confident and outgoing people with excellent communication and social skills to help us maintain outstanding customer service. The job involves being outdoors selling Christmas trees so physical fitness and a can-do attitude are required. Nat Cartwright | 07894 447388 | recruitment@pinesandneedles.com

PRIVATE COMPANY T: 07986 868008 Private Nursing position full time, Primary role, co-ordination of medical treatment of a single individual who is self caring and independent, with potential for medical emergency situations.

JOB OF THE WEEK: Private Nurse (UK with international travel) Location: UK with international travel. On site accomm provided Salary: £60,000-£70,000 Are you a highly skilled nurse with experience in A&E, ITU, HDU or CCU? Minimum of 5 years post registration experience. You will be responsible for co-ordinating medical appointments, venipuncture, vital signs, ECG interpretation and research. Mr Mark Gill / Tim Young | brecqmedjob@gmail.com | 07986 868008

Looking for your next job? NEW JOBS ONLINE EVERY DAY To advertise your job of the week contact Matt Syder | 020 7989 0491 | matt.syder@tntmagazine.com

TNT_1524_JOTW.indd 38

JOBS 9/11/12 16:36:26

Calling All Australians! • Fancy earning up to £15.50 per hour for calling into Oz? • Fancy meeting lots of new friends and becoming part of an exciting social scene? • Want to find a job that you can do around your studies or other commitments? Why not join our team of Telephone Fundraisers? You could be working for some of the leading Australian, Canadian and UK charities, in a call centre with a difference. You can still live your life around it and be a part of our social scene with regular Fundraiser parties and weekly social events.

ARE YOU JOB HUNTING? Visit tntjobs.co.uk for vacant positions in all industries across the UK, Australia and New Zealand. At tntjobs.co.uk you’ll find out how to land your perfect job, an A-Z list of employers, job alerts, career news and information, visa advice and details of recruiters.

JOBS.CO.UK Solving your recruitment problems!

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Work starts late November and finishes before Christmas Day. To apply, meet up with us between 11.30am – 4pm for an informal interview on one of the following days, bringing with you a valid work visa and passport. If you are unable to bring these items with you, we will not be able to interview you.

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Friday, 9th November & Wednesday, 14th November At :The Walkabout Inn, 11 Henrietta Street, Covent Garden London WC2E 8PS TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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LIFESTYLELIVING

@tntmagazine

HOME

STYLE .00

£17

Salt and pepper shakers Owls are so hot right now houseofbath.co.uk

West is best White City, W12

£8.

WORDS JADE BREMNER

Tea towels In case you forget what they’re for wayfair.co.uk

.00

£12

White City has long been considered a ‘dodgy’ area of London, most commonly listed under ‘ones best to avoid’. But this neighbourhood is on the up. And while the traditional route to gentrification involves the hipsters moving in, White City is being lavished with more commercial development. Westfield shopping centre is the most recent shiny addition, and land owned by the BBC, known as the ‘White City Opportunity Area’, will be redeveloped now the corporation is moving up north to Salford.

Why White City?

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.00

£29

Live here if you’re into football, celebrities or work in the media. White City is famously the home of Queens Park Rangers’ stadium and the equally iconic BBC Television Centre. The latter has now been sold to redevelopers, but it won’t cease filming and broadcasting BBC shows until next year, so you can still spot famous faces. Plus, White City is just one Tube stop from lively Shepherd’s Bush, and is a lot cheaper.

White City is home to the iconic BBC Television Centre of lettings from Marsh and Parsons. “There’s a strong North African and Caribbean community.” Which bodes well for good food to line the stomach when you get off that night bus.

Don’t move here if ... You’re a Chelsea fan, or if you’re not streetwise. “It’s a mixed area, so you have to be smart at night,” warns Littlemore. “Regardless of whether you are a girl or a guy, you have to keep your wits about you. It’s proper London.” On the flipside, more and more people are moving out here, so it’s potentially a good place to invest.

The people

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Young professionals and first-time buyers. This is because it’s a less expensive option to neighbouring Chelsea, Hammersmith and Kensington, but it’s still well connected to central London – you can get your glad rags on and roll back on the night bus during the wee hours without spending a bomb on taxis. “There are also a lot of international people here,” says Patrick Littemore, director

Shop it up at Westfield Where to hang out Westfield shopping centre (westfield.com), which has dozens of restaurants and coffee shops to indulge in, including a Jamie’s Italian. There’s also a VUE cinema with 3Denabled screens and plenty of fashion stores

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MY AREA HELENA REEVES TEACHER 27

“It’s a nice area but it’s got even better since they put the Westfield shopping centre in. I’d say it’s definitely one of those up-andcoming parts of London.”

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to blow your pay cheque on. Littlemore also recommends hitting up neighbouring Shepherd’s Bush for a good night out. “The Princess Victoria is a great gastro pub (princessvictoria.co.uk),” he says. “You can hire it out for private parties, and there are plenty of multicultural eateries to be tried. Sufi (sufirestaurant.com), for example, is an amazing value Persian restaurant.”

The connections White City is on the Central line, which will take you to central London in 15 minutes. Late night transport links are fair – the N7

goes to central London and the service runs throughout the night.

“It’s not the best place to go out at night but I like that it’s a bit quieter. I like having the separation between life and nightlife. I think I’ll stay in the area for a while.”

What can you rent? A real mixed bag, from small Victorian terraces (some converted into flats) to ex-council houses from the 1930s and Edwardian and warehouse conversions. The only properties you won’t NEXT WEEK find in White City? Don’t expect to see Find London’s any shiny new builds liveliest suburbs here just yet.

DAVID LEE STUDENT 24

“I recently moved here with a few roommates. It’s a bit pricier than I thought it would be, but you’re paying for nice buildings in a nice location. It’s worth the investment.”

W12 INFO BOROUGH

Hammersmith and Fulham COUNCIL TAX

£1088 Band D TRAVEL TIME TO LONDON

Photos: Getty

15mins STUDIO £220pw

ONE-BED FLAT £350pw

THREE-BED FLAT £535pw

A newly refurbished studio, walking distance from Shepherd’s Bush and Holland Park. Includes reception/ dining area, open plan kitchen and separate shower room.

Garden flat in a quiet, residential road, close to Shepherd’s Bush Tube and with the Westfield shopping centre a short walk away. Fully furnished and with a private patio.

Arranged over the top four levels of a Victorian townhouse just minutes’ walk from Westfield. There’s also a decked roof terrace and three spacious double bedrooms.

marshandparsons.co.uk

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WORLDVIEW

@tntmagazine

Imagine getting hit by this

ADELAIDE TEENAGER STRUCK BY LIGHTNING AUSTRALIA A teenager was struck by lightning in Adelaide as violent storms raged around the South Australian capital. Severe thunderstorm warnings were issued for much of the state last week, with the Bureau of Meteorology reporting at least 82,544 lightning strikes over a period of just 30 hours. The 15-year-old was hit by the bolt as he rushed outside to rescue his cat. However, he appears to have escaped serious injury, reporting only “instant headache” and “sore feet”.

TWEETS OF THE WEEK @summertomato Tonight’s winners: women, gays, stoners, science, Nate Silver, middle class. Losers: rapists, Donald Trump, FOX news. @simonpegg Nice try Mitt. You should write a book and call it The Audacity of Hype. Well done America, land of the brave. And the world now breathes easy.

AUSSIES ARE TOO STRESSED FOR SEX AUSTRALIA Stressed Aussies are finding their lives so busy that they are resorting to timesaving methods such as emailing during intimate moments and putting their dogs on a treadmill in order to fit everything in, a report claims. Research by natural health brand Blackmores found that two-thirds of Aussie adults were so overwhelmed by their busy lives that they preferred 42

Royal encounter: Prince Charles and Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, get to grips with koalas Kao and Matilda while making a stop in Adelaide on the second leg of the Diamond Jubilee tour, which took in Papua New Guinea, Australia and New Zealand. Seems Camilla isn’t too keen on her fluffy little friend ...

getting a good night’s sleep to having sex. The survey of 500 adults aged 18 to 50 also showed that many respondents were willing to cut corners in an attempt to squeeze more out of each day – hence letting their dogs pound the treadmill rather than sparing the time to take poor old Rover for a walk. More than half of the Aussies surveyed (61 per cent) said they were unable to tick off everything on their to-do list each day, and a whopping 95 per cent said they had woken up feeling drained in the last two weeks. More than two-thirds of those questioned (68 per cent) thought adult life was getting busier.

VICAR DRIVES LIKE ‘BAT OUT OF HELL’ UNITED KINGDOM A female vicar has been banned from driving after speeding like “a bat out of hell” to appointments with worshippers. Rev Lynn Busfield, 51, is now barred from the roads for six months after being caught committing a string of speeding offences. Busfield called it a “fair outcome”, though it is understood the vicar had felt duty-bound to burn rubber as she rushed to visit parishioners in the 16 parishes across Worcestershire that she covers. One parishioner, who did not wish to be named, said: “She is devoted to her flock but in order to fulfil all her duties she is known for driving like a bat out of hell around narrow country roads.”

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THIS WEEK

IN NUMBERS 150 Face off: was Kiwi PM mean about Becks?

Value, in pounds, of notes used by conman David Bowerman to light his cigarettes. He also stole from his own mum

DID JOHN KEY CALL BECKHAM ‘THICK’? NEW ZEALAND Kiwi PM John Key may well have offended English ‘royalty’ after reports surfaced that he had called David Beckham “thick as bat shit”. According to Radio New Zealand, Key said Beckham was “a really nice guy” during a visit to a school in Auckland, but then added the less complimentary remark. However, rather than deny the comment, Key confused everyone by declaring: “That is someone that thinks they have overheard a conversation I have had. I am not going to engage in that because otherwise I am engaging in every conversation that someone thinks I have.” When pressed to clarify that he had not indeed labelled Beckham “thick”, Key replied: “No, what I am saying is that somebody has overheard a personal conversation and that’s their recollection of it. I am just not going to engage in discussions about that. That’s their view.” Confused? Us too.

FAKE COLLAR BOMBER ‘GOT WRONG HOUSE’

Photos: Getty, Thinkstock

AUSTRALIA The ‘fake collar bomb plot’ against Sydney teenager Madeleine Pulver has taken an even stranger turn after it was claimed in court that perpetrator Paul Douglas Peters may have got the wrong house. Peters broke into Pulver’s home in August 2011 and fitted her with a hoax device in order to extort money from her family. But Sydney District Court – which is deciding on the length of Peters’ sentence – has been told that Peters may have

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Number of prostitutes planned for Europe’s largest brothel, aptly named ‘FunMotel’, slated to open near Vienna

Paul Douglas Peters actually been targeting a neighbour of the Pulvers. Quite the mix-up. He will be sentenced on November 20.

CAMPAIGNERS UPSET OVER BROWN WILLY UNITED KINGDOM Campaigners are fighting to restore the good name of a scenic hill on Bodmin Moor after it became known more widely as ‘Brown Willy’. The highest point in Cornwall, the traditional name of the hill in the Cornish language is ‘Bronn Wennili’, which translates to ‘hill of swallows’. However, the 1378ft hill has been known as ‘Brown Willy’ for centuries. But it seems some locals aren’t keen on the sniggers and innuendo from tourists who find the moniker amusing. Campaigner Chris Hines MBE, a former director at the Eden Project, said: “It has a lovely meaning, ’Hill of Swallows’, a name that the county and its people can be proud of and something that will be slightly more attractive to residents and tourists than Brown Willy. This is its proper name and should be its only name.”

Years between builder Kenni Wenna passing a demo tape to a record exec and then scoring a £250k contract with him

Difference, in pounds, between the salaries of male and female highflyers in the UK. And yes, it’s the men who earn more

500,000

QUOTE OF THE WEEK I thank God he dropped this man into my life Seems Melissa George is over Russell Simmons, as she gushes over her new squeeze, French millionaire Jean-David Blanc

9/11/12 12:51:02

A LY

PP N O W

MULTIMEDIA

Career opportunities TNT is the market-leading magazine, new media and events brand serving UK-based Australian, New Zealand, South African and other international and young communities.

Drive, ambition, professionalism and a desire

TNT publishes a weekly magazine that’s been around for almost 30 years, and has a circulation of 50,000. It has vibrant interactive websites and puts on an impressive range of events from community parties and award celebrations to major exhibitions.

Telesales Executives

We have a number of job opportunities for people with attitudes and ambitions that match our own to join the team and help TNT into 2013 and its next phase of growth.

to succeed and earn rewards are prerequisites for these roles. Applicants will need to have the following:

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» Experience in travel, recruitment or media

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February 27-March 4 2012 Issue 1487 tntmagazine.com

» Knowledge of digital sales » Previous experience of working within a media or digital environment

» Proven history in new business development » A natural talent to see beyond the ordinary » Understanding of where online marketing fits in the

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Excellent presentation and communication skills Proven history in new business development Ability to build a rapport quickly with clients A genuine commitment to delivering outstanding customer service

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9/11/12 15:36:33

TNT puts the world to rights

OURVIEW

COMMENT: MICHAEL GADD michael.gadd@tntmagazine.com

Nadine Dorries has gone bush

Help, I’m a politician … get me out of here!

Photo: ITV

Tory MP takes publicity-mongering to a whole new level When executed well, a politician’s publicity stunt can suck up much-needed media oxygen, but when done badly, they might as well go and hide in the bush. In 2007, I saw then Australian health minister Tony Abbott play Fred Astaire to Federal MP Bronwyn Bishop’s Judy Garland in a rendition of A Couple Of Swells for 1000 people at a charity dinner. Yep, Battleaxe Bishop and Argumentative Abbott dropping their guards big style, with a top hat and gentle, jokey dance moves included. I’d not vote for them, but in a moment they were human, vulnerable and amusing. What givers. Low risk and effective. In July this year, Labor MP Dr Craig Emerson rapped to dispel horror stories about the carbon tax, spoofing Skyhooks’ Horror Movie. Youtube it if you can stomach the cringe. Problem was he did it at the height of criticism for the tax, on a serious ABC news show and it was horrid. Surely, if stuffy Peter Costello got away with doing the Macarena on morning TV, he can have a little rhyme? No, be a good sport, but never a colossal try-hard. Other rules include ‘the bigger you go the greater the damage’ and ‘if there’s a message, make it clearly’. This brings us to Tory MP Nadine Dorries – I’m sure everyone’s all ears as to what her ‘message’ will be when she gets back from Oz after I’m A Celebrity … Get Me Out Of Here. Now Aussie pollie Pauline Hanson appeared on Dancing With The Stars and Celebrity Apprentice, and was quite popular, but despite efforts she was a political joke by that point. And she wasn’t a sitting minister. Dorries is and has now been suspended from her party, her Mid Bedfordshire constituents are pissed and her boss, the PM, has issued a “please explain” for doing the show and not telling anyone. Though no stranger to controversy or attention, this is a weird move, even for her. Obama thinks twice about going on Leno and she’s diving into the dirt with D-graders? Who knows, the tough-talker may begin an image makeover for the stuffy Tories of Eton and get support for her campaign to reduce the upper age limit for legal abortion. Or she’ll get a taste for big, fat, witchetty grubs. » Agree or disagree? Where do you draw the line on pollies’ publicity? letters@tntmagazine.com

I D:REAM OF AN ALIEN LAWSUIT The BBC has a point, if Professor Brian Cox did get in touch with an alien it could go down like this: “Hi, alien lifeform. Welcome to my TV or radio programme.” “Hi humanoid, fuck you. Aren’t you that guy out of D:Ream?” Physicist Cox wanted to point a telescope at exoplanet Threapleton Holmes B on his BBC2 show Stargazing Live. The instrument may have picked up a signal from “an alien civilisation” through radio emissions. But he said the BBC was worried they’d say something naughty and that “we need to go through the regulations and health and safety and everything in

“

It’s not like aliens are going to sue

”

case we discover a signal from an alien civilisation”. If someone can explain to me how health and safety has anything to do with some boffins having a crack at talking to Paul, I’d love to know. Are they worried the aliens will sue for something? It sounds like either a galaxy-sized misunderstanding or corporate arse-covering gone mad. TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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Chinese democracy In the West, it’s the only way, but would liberal governance work for the world’s next superpower? WORDS OLI JONES

A debate in London last week asked a timely question: would democracy as we view it in the West work for China? The discussion coincided with the 18th Communist Party Congress in Beijing, in which leaders unveiled the 20 men and women who would govern the country for the next decade, and the US election that chose a president for the next four years. For the West, a central idea of the last century has been that democracy is the only viable form of governance. To paraphrase Italian philosopher Benedetto Croce, who wrote History As The Story Of Liberty, we seem to believe as civilisations develop they move towards the rights we in the West enjoy today. The assumption is that democracy and freedom go hand-in-hand and, once installed, leave us free to get on with serious human endeavours, such as getting to the moon and inventing the microwaveable panini. However, the world’s coming superpower, China, the nation most likely to dominate the next century, believe that’s a crock of shit – democracy that is, not the panini. The scripted solemnity of last Thursday’s Communist Party unveiling (above) was in stark contrast to the worldwide media frenzy surrounding the American presidential race, which returned Barack Obama for a second term. The hope that China will one day come around on the whole democracy thing was recently dubbed by Canadian politician Michael Ignatieff “a cliché of optimistic Western discourse”. China’s ruling elite share MIT economist Yasheng Huang’s view that democracy is a hindrance to growth. This viewpoint comes at a time when most commentators are predicting China’s economy will overtake the long-dominant US as the biggest in the world – between 2018 and 2020 is the window given – and birth the Chinese-led century. When the author Martin Amis said, “Anti-Americans in Europe should use their imagination to think what its going to be like when China, a statist authoritarian power, is imposing its values on the world,” he distilled either a belief, 46

a fear or an ignorance – depending on who you talk to – in the West of China, its growing economic might and maybe even its perceived imperialist tendencies. These thoughts were far from assuaged at Intelligence Squared’s debate last Wednesday at the Emmanuel Centre, where experts argued on the topic, Western Liberal Democracy Would Be Wrong For China. Speaking for the motion was Martin Jacques, author of When China Rules The World. “The next century is China’s,” he said. “The West needs to get used to it. The world’s culture is going to become less and less American, and more and more Chinese.” The pro-Chinese author who edited the Great Britain Communist Party’s Marxism Today from 1977 to

“

China can’t be judged by Western standards

”

1991, impressed on the audience the meteoric rise of China’s economy and said people should “show some respect” to the country and “not to judge by Western standards”. “The problem we have in the West is the conventional approach is to try and understand China using Western terms using Western ideas – we can’t. China is not really a nation state, it’s a civilisation state,” Jacques said in a previous lecture. “The most important political idea for the Chinese is unity, the maintenance of Chinese civilisation.” Maintaining that civilisation comes at a price – in 2012 China spent more money on internal security than on its own military. Jacques argued that “there have been no real challenges to state power in 2000 years”. But Hong Kong democracy activist, Anson Chan, who said at the debate

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Photos: Getty

Clockwise: a guard outside the Communist Congress; Chinese factory workers; Barack back in

that democracy could work for China, begged to differ. She referred to Chinese sociologist Sun Liping’s estimate of 180,000 “mass incidents” of organised insurrection or protest in China in 2010 alone. The Chinese Academy of Social Sciences says it’s more around the 90,000-plus mark. The most famous is, of course, the Tiananmen Square protests of 1989. Author of The China Wave: The Rise Of A Civilised State and former translator for Chinese leader Deng Xiaoping, Zhang Weiwei told the debate Western-style government isn’t for China. When it was noted that India’s democratic system works with a population not far from China’s, Weiwei simply argued his country was too big for democracy. Jacques added the Chinese view of outsiders makes change unlikely. “The Han [the racial group making up 90 per cent of the Republic’s population] have a weak conception of cultural difference. They believe in their own superiority, hence their attitude to the Uyghurs and Tibetans.” The debate on democracy in China is often linked to China’s rapid economic ascension, which isn’t simple. Economists say China could struggle if demand for its mass production capabilities from Western companies lessens. The revaluation of its fiercely guarded currency is also predicted to come sooner rather than later, making production costs much higher. That could make China a far less palatable place for the West to do business. There could also be a demographic crisis due to the nation’s one child policy – soon one child could theoretically be responsible for two parents and four grandparents, potentially placing huge strain on the state or significantly adjusting its economic position. Making the case for democracy at the debate, former China correspondent for The Observer and historian Jonathan Mirsky wrapped his view up bluntly: “The fact is, if we were having this debate in China, we’d be in prison tomorrow.”

CHINA’S CULTURE IMPORTS CAN THEY FOLLOW THE US? Central to the US-led century was their ability to export its values through its culture – cinema, literature and music are dominated by American artists. And while authoritarian nations have a good track record when it comes to producing great art – Chinese Ai Weiwei showed his Sunflower Seeds at the Tate last year, for example – it tends to be the art that the state suppresses; the art about liberty and emancipation. If, as Martin Jacques says, China comes to dominate the next century, it’s hard to see how this will manifest itself culturally. It’s tough to imagine the Chinese romcom, where the plucky bureaucrat from Gansu province comes to Shanghai to, well, not make his name, but do the job the government says he has to. Being 27 and still single his parents take him to the doctor to find out if he’s gay, but then he meets a girl who agrees to marry him because she’s poor and wants children. A tough sell.

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SPORTNEWS

@tntmagazine

Motivation: Kangaroos caught out

LOCKY SAYS WORLD CUP IS STILL TOPS RUGBY LEAGUE The most decorated player in rugby league, Darren Lockyer, has dispelled any thoughts that the World Cup isn’t the holy grail of his sport, despite there being only three teams with a realistic chance of winning it. “The World Cup is the pinnacle for any Rugby League player,” he told TNT in London last week while on duty to promote the tournament to be held in England, Wales and France from October 26, 2013. Lockyer called 2008’s World Cup final loss to New Zealand a “low point” in his glittering career, which ended last year with his retirement as Kangaroos skipper and with a sixth Origin win in a row as captain of Queensland. He said Australia, despite not being holders, will “undoubtedly be favourites with New Zealand and England also strong challengers”. Those teams will almost certainly be part of a semi-final double-header at Wembley Stadium, but the fourth spot is up for grabs. “I’d say Tonga could spring a surprise,” Lockyer said, adding “Wales could be a nuisance.”

SWANN’S FLIGHT HOME COULD HURT CRICKET England’s bowling stocks may be in trouble ahead of the first Test in India, with Graeme Swann flying home to care for his ill daughter and quicks Steve Finn and Stuart Broad in doubt. The biggest blow would be losing top spinner Swann, who if he doesn’t make the match would miss a chance to bowl on a wicket almost certainly designed to spin in the host’s favour. Reports have conflicted with an England and Wales Cricket Board statement saying he’ll be back for the Test. 48

You’d think being played indoors would have its advantages for this month’s Futsal World Cup in Thailand: no Poland-like rain disasters, no heat/cold complaints, no massive birds swooping the playing area … this majestic creature didn’t get the memo in Bangkok last week as Italian keeper Valerio Barigelli looked on. The final will be played on Sunday.

England batting coach Graham Gooch said there was a “big question mark” over Broad and Finn’s fitness for the match.

CZECHS KEEN TO RAIN ON SPAIN’S PARADE TENNIS World number six Tomas Berdych and Radek Stepanek will fancy their chances as they lead the Czech Republic into the Davis Cup final against a Rafael Nadalless Spain in Prague from November 16. Holders Spain will be spearheaded by world number five David Ferrer as they try for a fourth Davis Cup title in five years. Berdych hasn’t lost a Davis Cup match in singles or doubles this year. The Czechs will hope to emulate their women’s team, who won the Federation Cup this month.

BIG WEEK FOR ... It’s one thing to debut for your country, but a whole other beast to do it replacing a retired captain, against India in the subcontinent, opening the batting with the new captain in his first tour in the role. This is the scenario shaping up for Somerset batsman Nick Compton when England’s first Test starts in Ahmedabad on Thursday at 5.30am. The team hasn’t been named yet, but after scoring plenty in tour matches and with backing from all corners, he’s the hot favourite to join Alastair Cook at the top of the order.

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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QUOTES OF THE WEEK When I took the job on, I said I wanted to bring the thunder back … I’ve never seen an atmosphere like tonight Neil Lennon says bugger playing it cool after his injury-ravaged Celtic side upset Barcelona in the Champions League

Experience: Toby Flood is key for England

PREVIEW OLD ENEMIES ASHES CURTAIN RAISER ENGLAND V AUSTRALIA SATURDAY, 2.30PM, SKY SPORTS England, Australia, an oval ball and a Saturday afternoon at Twickenham – the only way it gets bigger than this is if there’s bats and a little red ball involved. But both scenarios are up there with the best clashes in sport. This is shaping up as a cracker. The Wallabies are welcoming back some key members of their pack for this European tour who have been sorely missed during the disappointing Rugby Championship

against New Zealand, South Africa and Argentina. Flanker David Pocock, one of the best in the world when fit, and prop Ben Alexander are big chances to play. As usual, the northern hemisphere pundits have written off the ‘bies, with one former England skipper saying the boys in white should be “sniffing weakness”. Fair call, but England are also vulnerable with a number of uncapped players, including Leicester’s Tom Youngs in the key spot of hooker. However, they’ll be delighted to have skipper Chris Robshaw back in action and 50-capped Toby Flood in fine form.

THE CHAT | Tears for pop-ular victory

If my car was as reliable as Sebastian’s or Fernando’s this year I would be right up with them now. Maybe ahead, who knows? Lewis Hamilton slags off his team as the reason he’s behind Vettel and Alonso – his argument has merit but no class

Giving [Andrew] Flintoff a professional licence with no experience in boxing is a joke Boxing promoter Frank Maloney on the former cricketer’s foray into the sport, which is being filmed for a TV show

TV HIGHLIGHTS

Photos: Getty, Youtube

TENNIS Did Rod Stewart really cry after his team Q Celtic’s amazing 2-1 win over Spanish giants Barcelona in the Champions League last week? Indeed, it’s true, and you can hardly blame the lad. Even A if the Glasgow hoops are big wigs in Scotland, the result was huge – the slick La Liga leaders are the best team in the world when they feel like it. Pop champ Stewart is a diehard fan. He even has a seat with his name on it, literally, in the Celtic stadium, which he helped open in the Nineties. He has his own football pitch and instead of a PT he used to have a personal football coach. He even sings “You’re Celtic” as a way to say how much he loves a woman in the song, You’re In My Heart. It’s clearly his game, and he’ll cry if he wants to.

World Tour Finals - Final The top eight become two at The O2 Mon, 5.30pm, Sky Sports 1

CRICKET 1st Test - Australia v South Africa Day four and five highlights Mon & Tues, 10am, Sky Sports 1

FOOTBALL Arsenal v Tottenham Tear-leader: Stewart

Premier League’s north London derby Sat, 12.45pm, Sky Sports 2 TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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9/11/12 11:23:32

All for Maori Tanerau Latimer is proud to lead his people on a quest for glory and putting on a good show WORDS MICHAEL GADD

When Tanerau Latimer leads the Maori All Blacks onto Leicester’s Welford Road for the first of three tour matches on Tuesday, he’ll be representing his nation, his people and more than 114 years of New Zealand’s sporting history. It wasn’t the All Blacks or Wallabies who were the first overseas team to tour the Home Nations, it was in fact the original Maori All Blacks, then the New Zealand Natives, in 1888-89. The reason the All Blacks wear their globally recognised kit is that they adopted it from the Maoris – they’d previously worn blue. And no prizes for guessing who first delivered an iconic on-field haka before kick-off. “Playing for the Maori All Blacks is big,” says 26-yearold Latimer, who’s represented the full All Blacks six times. “When we pull on the Maori jumper, we carry the people with us – the Maori people, our family and our friends.” At 101kg, Latimer is an intimidating figure on the field, but he speaks to TNT in a gentle, almost-whisper – it could be that it’s early morning and he’s about to hit the training park, or more likely that he just prefers to do his talking on the field. It’s a cliché, but that’s the Maori way. “Being a Maori All Black, it’s not just representing a team,” he says. “It adds a whole other dimension.” Their opponents – Premiership Rugby giants Leicester Tigers, an RFU Championship side and Canada – are in for tough days at the office. Latimer says his side’s been preparing like any Test team would, maybe with a greater sense of unity. “I know most of the boys,” he says. “I either played with or against them throughout the years. But it’s great to be playing with them in a team like this. We’re all from different tribes but we’re together here. For one cause we live and for this cause we’re a team on tour together.” The Bay of Plenty product says they’re here to win games, but also entertain crowds. Maori teams are renowned for their open style of play. “Don’t get me wrong, we’re not taking this tour lightly, but we’re coming over to showcase 50

our brand of rugby,” Latimer says. “Hopefully the weather plays ball and allows us to do that. Maybe the opposition has a different idea and don’t allow us to, but we’ll do our best.” The Maori have chosen their young skipper well, especially if they want free-flowing football. He has experience beyond his age and started out in Sevens. “I’ve been around for a while,” he says when asked about the leadership challenge, careful not to talk himself up. “I’ve been in a professional environment since 2004, so that’s alright, I’m comfortable with that. It’s a complete honour.”

“

Playing for the Maori adds a new dimension

”

Latimer was 17 when he first represented New Zealand in Sevens in 2004 and won a gold medal at the Melbourne 2006 Commonwealth Games. Sevens will be an Olympic sport in Rio de Janeiro in 2016. “That’s exciting for rugby,” he says, without a hint of temptation – he’s doing just fine in the premium form of the game. His Waikato-based Chiefs were last year’s Super 15 champions after finishing 10th and 11th the previous two seasons. He speaks as though the turnaround was simple. “We got a new training facility, a few new players, new coaches,” he says. “There was a bit of a change in ideas and the boys just got stuck into their work and responded well to it all. And yeah, we got the rewards.” Lats, as he’s known, is also eyeing off a return to the All Blacks jersey, but is in the unfortunate position of playing the same openside flanker role as a certain Richie McCaw. “I have ambitions for that,” he admits. “But you’ve just got to be there or thereabouts. You’ve got to play some

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Clockwise: Latimer in action for the Chiefs; steel-faced for battle; doing the haka before an All Blacks Test

Photos: Getty

quality rugby and keep doing your job whenever you go on the field. Keep your head down and keep trucking on.” But for now, his mind is on going into battle with his Maori brothers, who have been connecting on and off the field in their brief camp in Auckland and since they got to the UK last week. Their arrival at Heathrow was a sign of things to come, with fans welcoming them with a haka. “We’ve been working well in the training we’ve had together and we’ve been learning some hakas,” he says. “We’ve picked up a few songs that some of the boys have never heard and they love it, hey.” Coach Jamie Joseph says bonding is more important than training for the team, as their short time together doesn’t allow proper tactical preparation. “The best thing we can do to come together is through our Maoritanga,” he says. “That’s what’s unique about this team. There’ll be a lot of singing, a few hakas and not much training.” With sing-alongs filling their flight from Auckland, they’ve also prepared a unique haka for their tour matches. While it’ll look like a fearsome battle cry – and is, in a sense – the meaning of the movement, stamping and rhythmic, tuneful chanting goes deeper. “There’s always a message in a haka, but the actions and how you deliver it are just as important,” Latimer says. The haka his team has planned will be intimidating, but the message written by the team’s kaumatua (tribal elder) Te Whetu Tipiwai is anything but angry. “The main message translates to ‘reach for the stars and you shall hit the mountains’, that is basically the gist,” Latimer says. “There are other messages and the big actions are important. You make them hit the mark and make them scary. Then you are ready to give your all.” Maori All Blacks play Leicester Tigers at Welford Road on Nov 13, RFU Championship XV at Castle Park, Doncaster, on Nov 17 and Canada at Oxford University on Nov 23. rfu.com

McCaw and the William Webb Ellis trophy

RICHIE’S WORLD CUP PAIN HIS BROKEN FOOT FINAL Richie McCaw’s status as one of rugby’s warriors is heightened further in his new autobiography, The Real McCaw, in which he details how he played last year’s World Cup semi and final with a broken foot. The All Blacks skipper said he hid the injury from teammates, coaches and the media to lead his side to its long-awaited, hoodoo-busting Cup victory. “One of the most challenging bits was running up the tunnel at half time,” he says. “Getting on and off the field was complete agony.” The flanker refused to get an X-ray because he knew what was wrong, and relied on pain killers. “I don’t let on to the coaches too much, there’s no point in freaking them,” he says. “The hardest bit is around the team and around the media, particularly. I have to really grit my teeth and try to walk normally.” The Real McCaw: The Autobiography (Aurum Press, £20)

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SPORTVIEW

TNT puts the world to rights

COMMENT: ALASDAIR MORTON

Olympic gold: Jessica Ennis is a rare woman in the sporting spotlight

Women’s sport still suffers from second class status

Despite 2012’s heroics, men remain the sporting focus in the UK

» Agree or disagree? Is enough being done to support women’s sport? letters@tntmagazine.com 52

HATTON’S A MUG FOR COMING BACK The question of what follows when their playing years are over is one that faces every sportsman and woman. But for Ricky Hatton, whose career closed with a procession of defeats, his Nov 24 return against Vyacheslav Senchenko is surely a mistake. In every sport, the quest for triumph and competition is a potent mix that lures many back from retirement. See former F1 god Michael Schumacher, whose return was ineffectual at best and which culminated in speculation as to how age had impaired his reactions before he

“

The cards aren’t stacked in his favour

”

was unceremoniously dumped by a team seeking a younger model. Boxing can be even less forgiving of age. Not only does Hatton risk adding an unwanted footnote to his career, but he risks becoming, much worse than this, a laughing stock. He may prove the critics and statistics wrong, but the cards are not exactly stacked in his favour.

Photo: Getty

Sport should be about fair competition, equal ops for all. And for the most part it is, unless you’re a woman, in which case you are very much a second-class citizen. For too long now this debate has raged, for even longer though too little’s been done. Smaller victory purses, fewer sponsorship opportunities, substantially smaller funding avenues and paths to success – the women’s game, whatever the sport, has more obstacles to overcome than its male counterpart does. Only last week, the outgoing British Olympic Chairman Lord Moynihan spoke out about golf governing body The Royal and Ancient, based at St Andrews, still not accepting female members and their attitude to women in general. Rochelle Gilmour, who launched women’s cycling road team DTPC Honda – comprising Laura Trott, Dani King and Jo Rowsell – voiced her desire for there to be a female Tour de France alongside the men-only competition as it currently stands. The Women’s Sport and Fitness Foundation joined the debate, stating that the Olympics legacy is bypassing women and will continue to do so. Team GB’s ladies had their best Olympic outing yet, but WSFF chief exec Sue Tibballs says: “We cannot rely on goodwill alone to overcome the obstacles to women’s sport taking its proper place in public life,” arguing that society still wants women to be slim and slender rather than athletic and healthy. Lads’ mag fit, not running-track fit. Cultural attitudes towards women are still structured around antiquated notions shaped by an outdated patriarchal society, and the sporting bodies themselves seem to uphold these restrictive beliefs. Flick through the Sunday papers and see how many sportswomen are featured – greater coverage would be a step forward but change is needed across the board, in what’s covered, how it’s portrayed and how it’s run behind the scenes, too. It is an uphill struggle that needs to be won, lest the Jessica Ennises of the future not be inspired. Or worse, that they are, but their talents go unspotted and un-nurtured.

alasdair.morton@tntmagazine.com

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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09/11/2012 14:49 10/11/12 12:08:38

WHAT YOU LOOKING AT? A dancer prepares to greet Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall and Prince Charles, Prince of Wales in Port Moresby, Papua New Guinea.

Photos: Getty, TNT

INSIDE

BALMY BAYS /58

ACTION IN AVORIAZ /66

DIZZY HEIGHTS /72

A corner of Scotland boasting Caribbeanstyle beaches? You better believe it. We explore Barra.

Twists and almost-parallel turns, wannabe comedian instructors and some near-death experiences, while learning to ski in Morzine.

Conquer the epic Himalayan route from Kathmandu to Pokhara using the best transport possible â&#x20AC;&#x201C; bikes and elephants. TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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TRAVELDIARY

@tntmagazine

Helen Elfer TRAVEL EDITOR

BEEN BANGED UP ABROAD? Thankfully, I’ve never got myself in enough trouble in foreign climes to be slung into the cells for a night. Although it would be a great addition to the ‘Guess what happened to me once?’ repertoire of travelling tales.

There would be badass prison guards to win over, British embassy lawyers rattling the bars and demanding my instant release in plummy accents, and probably a local, misunderstood down-and-out who would share her last cigarette with me as we wordlessly bonded over the injustice of it all. Yes I know that all sounds a bit like the plot of one of the Bridget Jones flicks – what can I say? I pride myself on thorough research. But in reality, those I know who have had a brush with the law on their travels – drink driving in Dubai, fisticuffs in Beijing and trying to buy pot in Mexico, tsk, tsk – all say the experience was crushingly embarrassing and worse, once bribes, fees and fines had been paid off, extremely expensive. Luckily, a book published this week, boldly entitled The Law Is An Ass, promises to get you clued up on the lesser-known laws across the world and help you to stay out of the clink. Some of them are the sort that could get you in trouble by accident, while others are just plain nuts. For example, did you know in Denmark you don’t have to pay for your food unless, by your own opinion, you are ‘full’ at the end of your meal? And in New Mexico you’re welcome to have sex in your car as long as you keep yourself screened. Which, it should be said, doesn’t mean you have to ... Ever got in trouble abroad? Write in and tell

WORLD ELEPHANT POLO CHAMPIONSHIPS Nepal There can’t be many sports more extreme than elephant polo – pitches groaning under the weight of thundering, trumpeting nellies and 25 jockeys hanging on for dear life; a fall from the top of one of those bad boys could be fatal. This year the World Elephant Polo Association is hosting the championships in Nepal, and it’s going to be an intense battle of the beasts. NOV

WHY: The noble sport of elephant polo is relatively new, having started only in 1982. It’s played in Nepal, Thailand, India and Sri Lanka, where riders on mighty steeds compete to knock a standard-size polo ball into the opponents’ goal, just like in the horsey version of the sport.

PUSHKAR CAMEL FAIR India

Once a year, the desert town of Pushkar is invaded by 20 300,000 people and 20,000 camels, cattle and horses. Highlights of the fair include bazaars, camel races, a ‘longest moustache’ competition for the human participants, and cricket matches between locals and tourists. Humptastic fun. NOV

pushkarcamelfair.com

VERTICAL MARATHON

elephantpolo.com

ELECTRAGLIDE Japan

Electraglide brings the Tokyo electro scene to 20 40,000 people at the Makuhari Messe convention centre. Acts including Flying Lotus, Four Tet and Squarepusher join local megastars Denki Groove and DJ Kentaro for a night of East-West fusion. NOV

electraglide.info

THANKSGIVING US

Singapore

Beginning by Central Park and ending at Macy’s in 22 Herald Square, millions line the streets of New York City for the famous Thanksgiving parade, featuring live music, marching bands, and even Broadway performances. NOV

In this gruelling installment of the 2012 Vertical World 25 Circuit, 2000 runners will slog their way up 1336 steps to the helipad on the 73rd floor of the Stamford hotel. Fancy joining them? NOV

swissotelverticalmarathon.com

DO IT BECAUSE: Watching six elephants – three on each team – charging around a small space at once is an eye-popping sight. Whatever you do, just don’t get in their way, as tourists that come between these jumbos and the ball might meet a sticky end.

macys.com/parade

Photos: Getty

us at helen.elfer@tntmagazine.com

Supersized sport: elephant polo

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RIHANNA PLUGS HOME You can expect to be bombarded with pics of Rihanna frolicking in the Caribbean waves and soaking up the sun from November onwards as the Barbados Tourism Authority has enlisted the help of the Bajan bombshell. The superstar posted sneak previews of the campaign this week, which were seen by more than 60 million people within a few hours, thanks to Ri-Ri’s huge social media following (63m Tumblr and 26.5m Twitter followers). She’s the latest on a long list of celebs to get involved in promoting their hometowns, including Robert de Niro for New York and the slightly less glam Rupert Grint – Ron from Harry Potter – for Bridlington.

Photos: Getty

POLLUTED BEACHES The horribly wet summer of 2012 didn’t just wreck a lot of English holiday plans, but also did damage to numerous beaches around the country. After heavy rainfall washed pollution from urban areas and the countryside into rivers and the sea, 29 coastal sites dropped below the minimum clean water quality requirements, making them dangerous to bathe in. A survey by the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs showed that figures for the more strict ‘guideline’ standards of water quality were even worse, with just 59 per cent reaching this benchmark compared to 79 per cent last year.

WEAR YOUR HELMET Protecting your noggin from smacking against Alpine rocks or being smashed by other people’s skis has always been an excellent idea. Now travel insurers Essential Travel has announced it won’t cover skiers who get injured after hitting the slopes unless they’re wearing a crash hat. “Whilst it is true that a helmet does not reduce all sports injury, it seriously reduces the risk of potentially fatal injuries,” said spokesperson Stuart Bensusan. “That alone warrants making wearing helmets compulsory.” This is the first British firm to adopt such a policy, but others are expected to follow suit.

TOO SOON FOR LIBYA? Scenes of 2011’s civil war in Libya – including riots, violence and the bloodied body of fallen dictator Colonel Gaddafi being dragged through the streets – are still fresh in the minds of anyone with the vaguest interest in the Middle East. But as the country slowly begins to get back on its feet, Libya is hoping to draw its tourists back. The Foreign Office currently advises against travelling to many Libyan regions, but in a survey of 1300 tourism industry bodies taken this week, more than half said Libya had the potential to become a popular tourist spot again in the near future.

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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[Caption] Paddle out: pretend you’re in the tropics on Vatersay island

EAT, DRINK, SLEEP

The Hebrides

SCOTLAND

SCOTLAND Barra

EDINBURGH

GETTING THERE Take the train from London Euston to Manchester Piccadilly with Virgin Trains from £37 return. virgintrains.co.uk Fly from Manchester to Barra from £200 return with flybe. flybe.com

Clockwise: touch down at Traigh Mhor; chilly kayaking; Kisimul Castle; downing a pint of ale

The most picturesque place for dinner on the island, the Craigard Hotel looks out across Castlebay and serves up locally sourced specialities. Mains from £10. craigardhotel.co.uk Cafe Kisimul does a strange hybrid of Scottish, Italian and Indian cuisine – there can’t be many places where you can get hand-dived scallop pakoras. Mains from £7. cafekisimul.co.uk Favoured by the locals, the Castlebay Hotel overlooks Kisimul Castle and the bar has some serious top-shelf whiskies on offer. Pints from £3.60. castlebay-hotel.co.uk With a glorious outdoor terrace (if the skies are blue, mind) the bar at the Craigard Hotel is the perfect place for a pint of Tennent’s. Pints from £3.80. craigardhotel.co.uk Heathbank Hotel is a friendly, family-run venue, once an 1800s church. Has great views out over the Ardveenish Pier. Double rooms start from £48pp. barrahotel.co.uk Dunard Hostel is a fiveminute walk to the main shops, bars and the ferry terminal in Castlebay. Room rates start from £16pp for a bunk bed. dunardhostel.co.uk

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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UKTRIP

Balmy bays A corner of Scotland boasting Caribbean-style beaches? You better believe it. We explore Barra

Photos: Visit Scotland, TNT, Mike MacEacheran, Getty, Thinkstock

WORDS MIKE MACEACHERAN

There are not many airports in the world where a stray cow can disrupt the flight path of a scheduled plane landing. There are also not many airports that can be closed for the day because an unexpected high tide has left the runway submerged by the sea. In fact, there’s only one. It’s the airport on the Isle of Barra, a tiny spot of Hebridean perfection, off the coast of western Scotland. Here the planes take off and land from Traigh Mhòr, a wide shallow bay at the northern tip of the island, a glorious crescent of golden-blonde sand. Standing with luggage in my hand on a beautiful summer’s day, with turquoise, crystalclear waters lapping the sand, it feels almost Caribbean. You might not believe it, considering I’m in Scotland which is far more notorious for extreme weather at the other end of the spectrum, but the Western Isles and neighbouring Inner Hebrides are some of the sunniest places in all of Britain. Located at the very tip of the Outer Hebrides archipelago, below its northern siblings Lewis, Harris and Uist, Barra is the last in this unruly chain of quiet, rural farming communities. Yet this remote corner of Britain is the perfect place for a cycling, kayaking or walking break, a weekend away from the drain of city life, or a great introduction to what Scotland does best: wild scenery, world-famous hospitality, golden ales and the odd wired-hair ginger cow. I arrive in Castlebay, the island’s biggest town, population around 800, to be greeted by the island’s most famous sight – floating in the middle of the bay on a rocky islet is Kisimul Castle, a granite-grey stone fortress that was once home to the Clan MacNeil. More famously, the medieval castle is rumoured to be the inspiration for Tintin and Snowy’s Scottish adventure in Herge’s The Black Island. In good weather, kayak tours are possible around the castle, but I opt for the more straightforward five-minute dinghy ride from the village’s pier to its briny steps, which tumble down into the sea. Stocking up on a bag of sticky, chewy fudge from The Heart Hebrides toffee factory – its shop is one of only a handful in the village, so can’t be missed – I rent a bike for the afternoon to explore the island further and escape socalled ‘civilisation’. It’s not long before fields of fuzzy sheep and orange Highland cattle outnumber people and after a couple of kilometres I cross a causeway to the neighbouring

island of Vatersay. Up a steep incline, the road curves to reveal a wind-blown islet, dotted with church ruins, romantic hideaway cottages and a vast blanket of wild, rolling sea that stretches all the way to the rugged frontier of Newfoundland in Canada. Famed for its remote landscapes, Vatersay is really an extension of Barra and home to healthy populations of otters, seals and herons and a number of glorious strips of shingle and sand. So with the wind at my back and an empty, single-track road ahead of me, I freewheel across the island. I then linger for a while at a couple of empty beaches, dipping

“

I dip my toes into the icy Atlantic waters

”

my toes into the icy Atlantic waters with not a soul in sight. Back on the bike, I find myself drawn to the southernmost tip of the island to Vatersay Bay, regarded as the most beautiful in the country. It does not disappoint. For a moment I stand at the westernmost point in Britain and feel like I am about to step off the edge of the world. As is typical for a balmy Scottish summer, the clouds start to gather and the sky glooms over. Ever the optimist, I’m dressed in shorts and T-shirt, so I hobble back onto my bike for the 40-minute trip back to Castlebay. The woolly clouds on the horizon mean it won’t be too long before it’s time to head indoors. But it’s a blessing in disguise, especially when the island’s famed hospitality consists of peaty single malt whiskies, roaring fireplaces and any number of amber-hued Hebridean ales. I know what my next sentence will be: “A dram of your finest Wiltshire: Canals please, landlord.”

NEXT WEEK

Bike hire, £12 per day, from Barra Cycle Hire 29 St Brendans Road, tel. 018 7181 0284

and crop circles in the forgotten county

TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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LATEDEALS

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DAILY TRAVEL DEALS GO TO tntmagazine.com/travel/latedeals where new travel deals are updated daily. There are more than 30 deals live at any time. Also sign up for TNT’s weekly travel newsletter, which will be emailed to you every Wednesday with the most up-to-date deals and guides to over 170 destinations. Sign up at tntmagazine.com/travelemail.

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n Unrivalled customer service * Transfer rates are as of November 7, 2012. Please note that these are mid market rates in relation to GBP

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BERLIN A two-night stay costs £114pp (easyjet.com/holidays; 00843 1041000). Includes return flights and three-star, room-only accommodation at Best Western Hotel am Spittelmarkt. Departs London Luton on November 19. MOROCCO An eight-day tour costs £234pp (two-for-one) with Travel Talk (0208 0998852; traveltalktours.com). Includes four-star accommodation, some meals, a Bedouin camp stay and visits to the Sahara, Marrakech and more. Excludes flights and local payment. Book by November 30. Departs on January 19 and February 2, 2013. MILAN Two nights costs £98pp with lowcostholidays.com (0800 1116271). Includes flights and four-star, B&B accommodation at the St John Hotel. Departs London Luton on Nov 20. SCOTLAND A three-day trip costs £73pp (save 40 per cent) with Haggis Adventures (08450 267576; haggisadventures.com). Includes Loch Ness, Glencoe and the Isle of Skye. Excludes accommodation and flights. Departs Edinburgh on November 30. COSTA BRAVA Seven days costs £175pp with lowcostholidays.com (0800 1116271). Includes flights and four-star, all-inclusive accommodation at the H-TOP Royal Beach Hotel in Lloret de Mar. Departs London Stansted on November 21.

£250 – £500

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HOTSHOTS

RUTH ROXANNE BOARD Talks travel photography

WINNER

HOT TIPS: Extreme cold Cameras aren’t built for extremely cold temperatures, but if you want to take your kit on that icy adventure, here are a few tips to help get your camera through. The main consideration is to keep your equipment dry and limit exposure to the climate. A waterproof bag will help, but check that snow has not found its

way in. Water is the biggest killer as it can freeze inside the bag and break the mechanisms. The cold is also draining to batteries, so keep them in your pocket to keep them warmer. Photographing in icy conditions can be risky but don’t let it put you off. Just be aware of the elements and your camera will live to shoot another day.

RUNNER-UP

WINNER WINTER BLUES Brenton Dwyer, Ayr, Australia

WHY IT WORKS The blue, craggy iceberg doesn’t look real as it floats in the water by Jökulsárlón, Iceland. It seems more like a polystyrene film set from the planet Krypton than a natural occurrence. The horizontal reflection of the jagged, solid mass in the dark water gives the image an even more eerie and alien feel. Everything in the image has a cool, icy tinge – it makes me feel cold just looking at it!

RUNNER-UP SNOWDONIA Hamish McMillan, New Zealand

WHY IT WORKS The sun has already set and the dramatic landscape of Snowdonia in Wales is disappearing in the dwindling twilight. The wispy clouds gather around the edges of the frame, while the dark silhouetted mountains stand as a foreboding reminder on the dangers of the wilderness. There is not an indicator of human influence or life in sight. This is not the kind of environment you want to be walking around in after dark. A THREE-DAY TOUR OF SCOTLAND AND A PHOTOGRAPHY COURSE Upload your images to tntmagazine.com/hotshots First prize is a three-day tour of Scotland for two worth £218 from Haggis Adventures (haggisadventures.com). Must be taken within three months of receiving prize letter. The runner-up wins a £60 photography course voucher from Nigel Wilson Photography (photographycourses.org.uk).

WIN

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TOP FIVE

ENDANGERED HOLIDAYS

CHECKING IN

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DUBROVNIK, CROATIA

Your private deck

KURULUBEDDA OVERVIEW There are only two villas at this serene Jetwing escape, Kurulubedda, both of them tucked deep into the forest near the Sri Lankan village of Mahamodera, near Galle. This is about as isolated as you can get for a hotel room, considering you can only get here by taking a boat through the mangroves or walking down endless mud tracks and pushing through thick foliage. The view from the balcony in the morning is sensational – tropical plants and a river as a backdrop make you feel like you’re in the heart of the jungle. The only downside is that the staff here can be on the slow side – if you ask for anything from coffee to a taxi, expect an hour or so wait. WOW FACTOR Each villa comes with its own private pool, which staff light candles around in the evening – sliding into that with a glass of wine at night, as you hear the crickets chirping around you, is utter bliss. Oh, and they bring you breakfast in the morning to eat on the deck, making it a perfect start to the day. ROOMS Small but very comfortable. The grey stone and light woods used to build the villas match the environment perfectly, and you can see out into the surrounding forest from every room. BILL PLEASE Villa with breakfast costs from £89pn.

jetwinghotels.com

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Nothing wrecks a holiday destination of your dreams faster than finding it overrun with other tourists. If they’re not dripping ice cream over priceless monuments, their floppy sun hats are poking into the corners of your scenic snapshots or the sea of matching tour T-shirts is just ruining the aesthetic. Inconvenience aside, there is a serious case to be made for certain popular hotspots taking steps to cut down on the amount of visitors they bring in each year. Excessive tourist traffic can do permanent damage to everything from fragile eco-systems to longstanding cultural traditions. In Dubrovnik, it’s the sheer numbers brought in by mega cruise ships that cause problems. In peak season, the city’s popularity as a cruise port means five ships might dock in the morning, each bringing 10,000 tourists who all want to walk a circuit of the Old City walls, ride the cable car, see the Franciscan monastery and buy bags of candied lemon peel from the market stalls – all within a few hours. Dubrovnik just isn’t big enough to

comfortably host them all at once, and the result is overcrowding to the extent that officials have been forced to temporarily close down the Old Town entrances several times in recent years. Local businesses say the day trippers don’t spend much in town either, eating on board the ship rather than in restaurants and often not bothering to buy any Croatian kuna at all. From a tourist’s perspective, the experience is just unpleasant – prices rise, queues lengthen and the atmosphere of this beautiful city is ruined. None of this should put you off going there altogether; you just need a game plan for getting the most out of Dubrovnik when you do go. First and most important rule, avoid July and August. When you do go, check the Dubrovnik Port Authority’s website (portdubrovnik.hr), which has a colour-coded chart showing how many passengers will be in the city on any given day. And whatever you do, don’t even think about booking a cruise holiday that stops here. visitdubrovnik.hr

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VENICE, ITALY

Everyone knows that Venice is fragile, with its buildings sinking and canals eroding. But the big bad cruise ships (again) are making the problem worse. Heritage groups say that as the cruise ships – at up to 1000ft-long and carrying 4000 passengers – move through the shallow Venetian waters, they damage the delicate canal and mudbanks. This is one of Europe’s most awe-inspiring cities, so get there sooner rather than later in case it disappears ... italia.it

Photos: Getty, Thinkstock

ENDANGERED HOLIDAYS

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SISTINE CHAPEL, ITALY

Rome’s Sistine Chapel turns 500 this year, but its frequent visitors are starting to take their toll. Five million tourists visit the chapel each year to see Michelangelo’s famous frescos, but the pollution they bring with them – breath, sweat, skin flakes, hair and dust – coats the artwork and could damage it permanently. The Vatican is looking to reduce visitor numbers, so fingers crossed this results in less scummy artworks and a more serene, contemplative atmosphere. mv.vatican.va

TOP FIVE

GALAPAGOS ISLANDS, ECUADOR

The Galapagos Islands are famous for their unique biodiversity, home to creatures such as marine iguanas (pictured) and the huge Galapagos tortoises, which weigh 400kg. But thanks to human traffic, many of these species are now under threat. Thankfully, most tours today take great care to limit the footprint left by visitors. Make the memories of your trip better by leaving it as you found it. govisitgalapagos.com

MOUNT EVEREST, NEPAL

It may be the highest mountain in the world, but Everest has also been called the world’s highest rubbish dump. Climbers leave trash such as oxygen canisters, torn tents and beer bottles at base camp. You’d think people keen to go on such a gruelling expedition would take better care of it. Eight tonnes of rubbish was picked up by groups such as Saving Mount Everest (savingmounteverest.org) last year – thanks to them, this world-renowned site is still breathtaking.

NEXT WEEK Sail away: the best holidays powered by a gentle breeze

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TRAVELTIPS

Vice: sun, sea, nightlife and shopping in Miami

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AIRPORT LOUNGE VOUCHERS WORTH £60

If your tip is printed, you’ll win vouchers (worth up to £60) for entry for two into one of No.1 Traveller’s airport lounges at Heathrow, Gatwick or Stansted. With complimentary food and drinks, free wi-fi, and newspapers and magazines, your trip will get off to a flying start. See No1Traveller.com Tweet your tip to @tntmagazine.com Email traveltips@tntmagazine.com Text TNT and your message to 81707* *Messages cost 25p each + standard network rate. 18+ billpayers only. Send STOP to end. Number may show on bill. A2B 08700460138

YOU ASKED FOR IT... LAURA LINDSAY FROM LONELY PLANET

looking to visit Krakow, Vienna Q I’m and Prague in the same trip in midDecember. I know very little about the rail networks in those countries and was hoping you can shine some light on them for me? Bex, via email

you recommend I do when I’m there? When is the best time to visit? Dan, via email Miami is famed for its stunning A Glamorous beaches, art-deco architecture and some of the best nightlife in the country. Start out at South Beach, where you will find chic restaurants and cafes along Ocean Drive and great shopping along pedestrianised Lincoln Road. Next, head inland to the areas of Little Haiti (it is advisable to visit this part of town during the day) or Little Havana to see the Latin side of the city. Visit Wynwood for a vast array of art galleries. If you have a few days in Miami, hire a car and drive to the Everglades, which are less than an hour from the city. This vast expanse of swamp is fantastic for wildlife spotting, with alligators, panthers, snakes and birds among its inhabitants. From here, head south along the Overseas Highway, which takes you along the chain of islands that make up the Florida Keys. I would plan when to visit carefully as there are a number of large events in the city in March, including Fashion Week and the Winter Music Conference, which will reduce accommodation options and increase the cost of your trip. It’s also worth remembering that spring break takes place throughout most of March, when an influx of students from around the country gives Miami’s nightlife an even more more raucous vibe than usual.

FIND A DIFFERENT DUBAI When my cousin and I went to the UAE, we felt that all the beaches and restaurants along Dubai’s Marina Walk were just crammed with the kind of Brits you leave the country to get away from! We found the older, northern part of the city less glam but far more interesting. I’d recommend everyone goes on a boat trip on Dubai Creek, as it only costs about 20p. Eleanor Vaz, via email ROAD LESS TRAVELLED I’ve had so many holidays ruined by other tourists! My advice would be never spend more than a day or two somewhere too popular – always try and get off the beaten track instead, where you’ll have the place to yourself. Claudio Olaz, via email

A LONELY PLANET GUIDE

WIN

Lonely Planet’s Laura Lindsay will give you the benefit of her infinite wisdom if you email a question to traveltips@tntmagazine.com. If your question is answered, you’ll win a Lonely Planet guide of your choice. This is a reader forum — TNT and Lonely Planet accepts no responsibility for any loss, injury or inconvenience sustained by anyone using the information provided.

Photos: Thinkstock

Bex, the good news is that the A Well European rail network is among the best in the world and I can tell you from personal experience that the trains are reliable, reasonably priced and comfortable. Your route is basically a triangle, so I would recommend you start in Vienna, then take sleeper trains to Krakow and on to Prague – this way you’ll save a lot on accommodation costs. If you have enough time, why not add the Slovakian capital Bratislava to your trip? There’s amazing nightlife and plenty of culture to be found here, plus it’s an easy addition to your journey – just take a scenic boat trip along the Danube from Vienna. Then when you’re ready, it’s easy to hop on the train from Bratislava onwards to Krakow. In terms of ticketing, the Eurail European East Pass offers great value at £122, which buys you five days of unlimited rail travel for a onemonth period across Poland, the Czech Republic, Slovakia, Austria and Hungary. You can book rail passes through Rail Europe (raileurope.co.uk). As well as the low cost, the flexibility of these tickets allows you to add extra destinations to your route as and when you fancy it.

would like to visit the US next spring Q Iand am keen to try Miami. What would

READERS’ TIPS ON BEATING CROWDS

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WHERE IN THE WORLD?

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A TRIP FOR TWO TO BATH & STONEHENGE

Been somewhere good lately? Send us a horizontal photo of yourself with a copy of TNT from anywhere around the world and, if we print it, you’ll win a trip for two to Bath and Stonehenge with Anderson Tours, valued at £104! » Email your pictures to ontheroad@ tntmagazine.com along with your name, where you’re from and where the photo was taken, or see tntmagazine.com/world. Files must be at least 500Kb.

CANCUN, MEXICO Ivano Caponera, from Italy

BEST / WORST TRIP

THE TRAVELLER

BRIONY ROBINSON, 27

LILA HAMILTON, 25

Sheffield, England

London, England

BEST I took an incredible three-month round-the-world trip a few years ago. Also, skydiving in New Zealand was great. I got to see mountains, rainforest, glaciers and the beach all in one holiday.

Most memorable travel experience? When I went to the islands of Croatia – hopping from island to island, finding myself in surreal and beautiful surroundings. Your ideal travelling companion? I like to travel with someone who’s not fussed about where they sleep, who just gets on with the trip. And, importantly, someone who will eat anything! Scariest travel experience? That was probably when my friend was mugged in Barcelona.

WORST My friend’s dad took us to Thailand – we went to a bar where they served locusts, then he took us to a club where one of the ladyboys hit on him! That was a very strange holiday. » Tell us your best/worst trips, email helen.elfer@tntmagazine.com

SPLASHING OUT

Photos: Getty, TNT

GORILLAS, CHIMPS AND GAME PARKS See the best of Africa’s wildlife. Includes Kwita Izina in Rwanda, an annual naming ceremony for newborn mountain gorillas. A 16-day tour costs £1705pp with Intrepid Travel (0800 7811660; intrepidtravel.com). Includes accommodation and trips to Uganda and Kenya. Excludes flights and local payment. Departures throughout June, 2013.

THE INSIDER

ANT STONE Content marketing manager STA Travel

My favourite place in the world is India. It’s the place I felt the most alive – my emotions were in overdrive. It was four years ago and I haven’t stopped thinking about it since. My first big trip was three months interrailing around Europe and along the Norwegian coast, where I celebrated an unforgettable 21st birthday. My most challenging travel experience was crossing the border from Nepal to India, alone. It took sweat, blood, tuktuks, buses, trains, queues, rupees and a whole load of cows, but I made it. My guilty travel pleasure is smoking clove cigarettes in Asia. I know, I know! I just can’t resist their aroma. After a long day of walking through city streets, I find a place to indulge. I always pack a keffiyeh. I use it for everything: as a scarf, a curtain, to protect my camera from dust, and even on occasion as a towel. TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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Clockwise: skiing in Avoriaz; a snowboarder freestyling; the quaint village of Morzine

Morzine FRANCE

PARIS

GENEVA Avoriaz

FRANCE

GETTING GETTINGTHERE THERE Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Fly from London Heathrow to Geneva with Swiss Air from ÂŁ112 return. swiss.com/uk Book with Rudechalets for free airport transfers to Morzine. rudechalets.com [Caption] 66

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SHORTBREAK

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Action in Avoriaz Twists and almost-parallel turns, wannabe comedian instructors and near-death experiences, all while learning to ski in Morzine WORDS CAROL DRIVER

“There is one vital thing you must do when learning to ski,” my leathery-faced instructor growls at me in a heavy French accent, the stub of a browned, rolled-up cigarette dangling hypnotically from his cracked bottom lip. I lean in: this is it, that pearl of wisdom that changes everything, the nugget which turns me from novice to pro, and something I’ll proudly pass on to future generations. “Smile!” he shouts, lifting his ski poles into the crisp air, letting out a deep, throaty laugh. “It makes me look better!” I’m in Avoriaz, the slopes up from Morzine in the Portes du Soleil resort in eastern France, hoping my instructor is a better skier than he is a funnyman. Avoriaz is one of the 12 linked resorts either side of the French-Swiss border, which boast blacks, greens and everything in between with 280 slopes spread over 650km. It’s also a buzzing party town, hosting the annual Rock The Pistes and Basscamp festivals. “Follow me ... bend your legs ... shift your weight forward ... not your shoulders ... don’t twist your body ... look down the mountain, not up ... now turn,” shouts my instructor, who’s dressed in red from head to foot, including his boots, so I can’t lose him. Apparently, I’m meant to relax and grin at the same time as all of the above. We wind our way through the tree-lined runs of Avoriaz, past the jumps and the freestylers in the snow park, back to the safety of the slushy green route where I meet my mates for an afternoon of adventure. But not before we’ve refuelled. Heading to Les Trappeurs (lestrappeurs.com) on the slopes, we find an outside table and, with the sun on our backs, scoff pizzas with the biggest plates of frites I’ve ever seen, finishing off with a whisky-infused hot chocolate. Then, we grab our skis and boards and head out to explore. My friends are all more experienced on the snow than I am, and manage to plan our route while I’m still trying to work out where we are. I follow their lead, playfully whizzing through the white stuff, as they belt in front of me, going off piste, as I stick to my almost-parallel turns. Confidence buoyed simply by the fact I’m not holding them back too much, I pay little attention to where we’re going – missing the sign pointing to the blue run at Pointe de Mossette and going in the direction of the red instead. Out of my depth, I panic. It looks a long way down and the slopes seem narrow and icy. There are collisions in front of me as I gingerly make my way in a zig-zag across the run,

forgetting everything I’d learned earlier as I concentrate on what could be the last skiing I ever do. My friends have gone and, although it’s March, there’s a fresh dumping of powder on the way, so the visibility is horrendous – I can’t even make out the edge of the run. Although I soon find it, tumbling and plunging face-first into the snow, losing a ski in the process. It’s an attractive look.

“

I plunge face-first into the snow. A good look

”

Luckily, I’m helped up by a dashing expert, who hands me my ski and leaves me to it as I finally get to the bottom with a not exactly flattering Bambi-style snow-ploughing technique. I make out the shape of my group standing by a chairlift. They sarcastically applaud my not-so-great efforts as I slide thankfully towards them. Shattered, I decide to call it ››

Feeling green: an easy run TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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a day, so we make our way back to Morzine for a couple of demis of local lager Mutzig in Bar Robinson, a lively venue with three elderly French owner-operators (see grid below). There’s no music, but the place is packed with punters sharing stories. I keep quiet about my near-death experience. Suitably lubricated, it’s time to eat. We head back to our cosy Rudechalet accommodation, where our lifesaver host, Sarah, has whipped up a three-course culinary treat for dinner, replacing any lost calories and stocking up on an extra dose for the following day’s activities. She even does all the washing up, which is a bonus, so we crack open another bottle of red wine and take stock of the aches and pains we’ve acquired before calling it a night. Despite the muscles in both my legs seizing up, I’m awake early. I take my skis back to the safety of the blue runs on which I’d practised the day before – they won’t satiate the thrill-seeking powder-lovers, but my instructor would be pleased, and at least I’m smiling. ❚ Carol stayed with Rudechalets. From £379pppw for accommodation, half-board, wine and mountain hosting. Hire Burton snowboards from Rudechalet’s on-site test centre for £60pw. rudechalets.com Book ski equipment from £60pw with doorstepskis.com

Off-piste: plenty of fresh powder in Avoriaz

NEXT WEEK New Year’s Eve: the best end of year blow-outs

MIDRANGE

LUXURY

For top-quality fast food in a stylish venue Mamma’s is the place to go. All meals are priced £8 and diners can choose from a huge selection, including pizzas, pasta, wraps, Pad Thai, curries or fish and chips to eat in or takeaway. mammas.fr

L’Etale is the busiest restaurant in town. The range of food is extensive and good value. The pièce de résistance is the potence, or hanging beef – juicy chunks of steak, roasted on metal spikes and flambéed with a slosh of whisky (pictured above). Mains from £10. (Route du Téléphérique, 74110 Morzine)

L’Atelier (pictured above) has a reputation as the best restaurant in Morzine. Chow down on the chef’s take on Savoyade classics to Asianinspired meats and fish. Splash out and book the taster menu – £55pp – where you’ll indulge in a highly recommended selection of this diverse cuisine. (9 Place de l’Office du Tourisme, 74110 Morzine)

DRINK

Bar Robinson is a lively little French bar run by two old ladies and a gentleman (all over 70) and only serves one beer – the locally brewed Mutzig, which is cheap and super strong. The bar shuts at 8pm as the elderly owners like an early night. Demi pints about £2.20. (62 Rue du Bourg, 74110 Morzine)

For a great après-ski hangout with a roaring fire, a good selection of beers and large screens showing all major UK sporting events, head to Dixie Bar. Be sure to check if the Irish band are playing as they whip everyone into a table-dancing frenzy. Demi pints about £2.20. (18 Rue du Bourg, 74110 Morzine)

Upstairs is a top restaurant, but downstairs in La Chaudanne’s, in the unique setting of a vaulted cellar, is where visitors can chomp on tasty tapas-style nibbles while sampling some of the wines in this cosy, chaletstyle building (pictured left). Demi pints about £2.20. lachaudanne-morzine.com

SLEEP

La Kinkerne is a lovely little familyrun B&B with an awesome location at the bottom of the Prodains lift. There is also a lively bar and restaurant on the ground floor. A double with breakfast costs about £32pppn based on two sharing. lakinkerne-morzine.com

A short walk from the two main ski lifts Rudechalets’ Chalet Chapelle Petit boasts four bedrooms, a sauna, a log fireplace as well as wifi, an Xbox in every room and satellite TV. From £439pp per week, including breakfast, afternoon tea and a threecourse dinner with wine. rudechalets.com

La Dromond is a stunning ski in-ski out hotel with a quirky design and the only Michelin-starred restaurant in the area. This is one of Avoriaz’s original hotels, which hosted highsociety Parisians in the late Seventies. Prices start from £733pw for a double on a room-only basis. (40 place des Dromonts, 74110 Avoriaz)

EAT

Photos: Val rie Poret/OT Morzine, Getty, Adam Moran/Rider, Mike y Rencz, TNT

BUDGET

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TRAVELWEEKENDER

Pole position This is Warsaw in 48 hours WORDS HELEN ELFER

DAY 1: 09:30 Warsaw is finally shaking off its rep as an austere outpost of the Eastern Bloc and becoming known as a city buzzing with energy. Divide your time between lowbrow pub crawls in the Praga district and more cultural experiences, such as classical concerts and edgy art galleries. But start with breakfast at one of Warsaw’s milk bars, Bar Mleczny pod Barbakanem (Mostowa 27, mains from 60p). Milk bars, a relic of the Communist era, offer hearty portions of often dairy-packed grub – think stodgy dumplings and omelettes – for low prices. Don’t let the spare decor and grumpy service put you off, it’s all part of the experience. 10:00 Nearby, the historic Castle Square is surrounded by beautiful townhouses and holds Sigismund’s Column, which is named after the Polish king who moved the nation’s capital from Krakow to Warsaw in 1596. 11:00 Wander towards the Old Town, where you’ll find the St Martin’s Church (Piwna 9, tel. +48 22 8310222), with its Baroque-styled facade and cute orange-hued monastery courtyard, and the unique gothic St John’s Archcathedral (Kanonia 6, tel. +48 22 8310289), one of the oldest churches in the city with distinctive twin spires. 12:00 All this fresh air is bound to be making you hungry, so stop in for lunch alongside some of Warsaw‘s artsiest folk at the cafe-cum-photography studio Melon (studiomelon.pl, mains from about £5). Based in Inzynierska, the opening of this studio triggered the area’s transformation from a cluster of shady backstreets to the buzzing artistic hub it is today. After lunch, check out the cluster of studios and galleries nearby. 70

14:00 Carry on your cultural immersion with the Fryderyk Chopin Museum (chopin.museum, entry £4.25). The interactive multimedia display tells the famous composer and virtuoso Chopin’s story and you can even see one of his own pianos and – oddly – a lock of his hair. 16:00 From one legendary Pole to another, visit the Copernicus Science Centre (kopernik.org.pl/en, entry £4.25), which celebrates the astronomer’s achievements. Geeky but very cool exhibitions include a laser harp, an air-powered flying carpet and the spectacular Heavens of Copernicus planetarium. 18:00 If you make one big splurge this weekend, let it be on dinner at art nouveau Porto Praga (portopraga.pl, mains from £10), where you can get stuck into gourmet delights such as Spanish veal and Balinese tuna tartare. 20:00 We promised you a Praga pub crawl – now here it comes. You’re already in the right district, so walk to W Oparach Absurdu (Zabkowska 6, tel. +48 660780319, shots from £1.80), where you’ll be welcomed by a 5ft plastic tarantula. Enjoy a tipple or three among the rest of the bizarre decorations. 22:00 Move on to Hydrozagadka (Ulica 11, Listopada 22, tel. +48 5 04111059, beers from £1.50) for a dose of live music, DJs and plenty of ready-to-party Varsovians. Join them ‘til the small hours. DAY 2: 10:00 Have a lie-in at the centrally located Okidoki Hostel (okidoki.pl, dorm beds from £7.50pn) and grab a quick brekkie in their bright orange dining and common room (breakfast coupon £3).

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Photos: Thinkstock, Getty

Poland’s tallest building, Stalin’s syringe

11:00 Steel yourself for a glimpse into the most harrowing chapter of Polish resistance against the Nazis in WW2 at the Warsaw Uprising Museum (1944.pl/en, entry £2.70). 13:00 Take a breather after the museum with a brief trip to Zoom Zoom Design Shop (zoom.waw.pl), a design warehouse where you can choose a suitably funky souvenir from the inspired books and accessories. 14:00 Grab some hearty Polish grub, such as zurek, a thick soup, at Krokiecik (krokiecik.pl, mains from £3). 16:00 Easily visible from here – and a short walk down Aleje Jerozolimskie – is the imposing Palace of Culture and Science (pkin.waw.pl, observation deck £3.50), which was gifted to the city by Joseph Stalin in the Fifties. The tallest building in Poland, it’s been ominously dubbed ‘Stalin’s Syringe’ thanks to its needle-like spire. 18:00 Grab a final bite at Polska (ul Nowy Swiat 21, tel. +48 22 8263877, mains from £5), a classic, old-fashioned Polish restaurant with twee, rustic décor, and delicious Polish pierogi (dumplings). Toast your holiday with a few shots of Nalewka, Poland’s flavoured liqueurs. 18:00 Spend your final night with Warsaw’s trendiest at popular bar Warszawa Powisle (Kruczkowskiego 3B, beers from £2). Described by the owner as “a kiosk with culture and vodka”, it’s housed inside a former railway ticket office – here is where feisty, good-humoured debates are hosted before it morphs into a disco later on. LOT Polish Airlines flies from London Heathrow to Warsaw from £95 return lot.com

Varsovian music near Castle Square

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Unforgettable: take an elephant safari in Chitwan National Park

GETTING THERE Fly Qatar Airways from London Heathrow to Kathmandu from ÂŁ622 return. qatarairways.com

Nepal SOUTH ASIA

NEPAL Pokhara KATHMANDU

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Dizzy heights Conquer the epic Himalayan route from Kathmandu to Pokhara using the very best transport possible – bikes and elephants WORDS CAROLINE EDEN

WHEN TO GO: The best time of year to visit Nepal is between I’m zipping past rows of emerald green them, as well as the Tibetan scroll painters October and November. At that and mustard-coloured crops, huge crescentin the side streets who daub bright, intricate time of year, it’s cooler and the horned buffalo and women in red and green images of Buddhist deities onto silk canvases. rains have eased off. saris. The hot Nepalese sun is beating down When our sightseeing is done, the 10 on my back as I cycle up the steep paths of other cyclists and I hop on our bikes to CURRENCY: £1 = NPR 139 the Kathmandu Valley, and new, knockout embark on the real reason we’re here – the (Nepalese rupees) views appear around each bend. cycle ride itself. We leave the city behind ACCOMMODATION: The mountainous route west from and make our way into the hills, taking on Tibet Guesthouse in Kathmandu Kathmandu, the capital of Nepal, to Pokhara, paths slippery with scree, rocks and dust. The is clean, well-located and with the country’s second-largest city, isn’t a intensity of riding across such tricky terrain friendly staff. Doubles from £13pn smooth one. I’m on a mettle-testing, 400km and up steep slopes takes me completely by (tibetguesthouse.com). Kathmandu cycle ride that will involve me bouncing surprise, and so I pant, gasp and slip to the Guest House is located in the heart over bullock cart tracks, sliding over sandy of popular backpacker area Thamel. back of the group. After around an hour I’m gravel, gliding through tiny rural villages and seriously struggling and eventually have to Double rooms start from £30pppn, pounding up steep, winding mountain roads grind to a halt. which includes a decent buffet – all the time trying to avoid collisions with With my shirt stuck to my back, I down breakfast (ktmgh.com). cows, villagers, smoke-belching trucks and all half a litre of water and try to catch my SEE: visitnepal.com sorts of other traffic on these chaotic roads. breath. Ajay, who is 5ft-nothing, waits I’ve chosen to join this 15-day group bike ride in the hope patiently behind me, spinning the pedals like a pro, clearly of avoiding the done-to-death trekking routes and seeing a without the slightest need for a break. more off the beaten track side to Nepal. At least, that was I remember what one of his co-workers had told me the noble plan, but now my thighs, heart and lungs are on earlier: “Don’t be deceived by his size, Ajay is Nepal’s fire with the strain of pedalling uphill and I’m starting to number-one national mountain bike champion.” This was no wonder if my shell-shocked body is actually going to be up to exaggeration, as I find this tiny, lean, mean, cycling machine this epic journey. has won Yak Attack, one of the world’s top five toughest My trip to Nepal starts off much more gently, when we bike challenges, no less than three times. This gruelling 10take a minibus ride from our hostel to the 12th-century day stage race takes mountain bikers over mud, rock, sand Nepali city of Bhaktapur, just east of Kathmandu. The Unesco and snow, through the Himalayan foothills, the Annapurna World Heritage Site used to be the capital of Nepal, and its mountain range and over the Thorong La Pass. The dusty streets and ancient temples give the impression that temperature range is extreme, from -20°C to scorching midnot much of it has changed since then. Our guides, Mangal thirties. Needless to say, Ajay’s in tremendously good shape, Lama and Ajay Pandit Chhetri, lead my tour group on a and it shows. As I wobble off again, he politely asks if I need stroll through winding alleys, taking in the intricate Newari help. I wheeze out a “yes” and Ajay, still cycling himself, woodwork over door frames and windows, Shiva temples gently pushes me from behind until I have the momentum to and the famous Durbar Square, with its five-tiered Nyatapola carry on solo, spurred on in part by sheer embarrassment. temple – one of the tallest in Kathmandu Valley. Five pairs After 20 long and sweaty uphill kilometres more I land of stone-carved figures flank the stairs that lead up to the exhausted on the sofa of our hotel lobby. I’m handed a sticky temple: wrestlers, elephants, lions, griffins, and Baghini and mango juice by way of welcome and thirstily glug it down Singhini, who are tiger- and lion-headed Buddhist demibefore heading into the shower to wash the heavy layer of gods. Each couple is supposed to be 10 times stronger than brown dust from my skin. I watch my newly acquired “tan” ›› the ones immediately below. I take endless snapshots of slowly disappear down the plughole. TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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Clockwise: a quick stop to admire the view; working the rice paddies; monks under traditional prayer flags That evening, over some local dal bhat (lentils and rice) and chilled Gorkha beer, half of the group admit they had found the gruelling start tough as well, and I feel comforted as we clink glasses. In the morning, we slowly make our way along a series of dusty lanes that lead the group to Bungamati, a 16th-century village rarely visited by tourists as it’s not easily reached by road or air. The rural Newari people, who inhabit Bungamati, are the sixth largest ethnic group in Nepal, and indigenous to the Kathmandu Valley. Bungamati is home to a rich artistic culture – as we cycle through, we see villagers weaving, knitting and sewing colourful handicrafts. We roll from here down one particularly steep hill, and I have to give my brakes a sharp squeeze, remembering Mangal’s top tip to “pull on the left (rear brake) and play with the right (front brake)”, lest I go flying arse over tit over the handlebars. The cycling is again heavy going, but we’re in good hands, always with a guide at the back – usually where I can be found, too – and one at the front. That support is welcome, considering the combination of the hair-raising sheer drops and the rather scary trucks that take the tight turns at such a speed it is as though they’re playing chicken. The following two days’ journey takes us along the Chobhar Gorge then through pine forest to Markhu, and I gratefully notice a much-needed surge in my fitness and energy levels. Night is falling fast and the sky is lighting up with hundreds of twinkling stars when at the end of our fourth day on the road we roll into Daman, 80km southwest of the Kathmandu Valley, and arrive at our guesthouse. Behind closed doors I rub Tiger Balm into my shocked muscles for the umpteenth time, but despite the persistent burn, I 74

finally feel like I’ve got into the cycling groove. The view from my window the next morning is jawdropping. The sun gilds the countless mountain tops, and I can see all the way from Everest in the east to Dhaulagiri in the west, with eight of the world’s 10 highest mountains including Langtang at 7234m and Ganesh I at 7408m, in between. It’s magnificent. Regrouping over a breakfast of omelettes and cereal, Mangal briefs us for the day ahead. “Today we ride 1500m

Spiritual: prayer wheels in Kathmandu Valley

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over 52km, descending down to Hetauda, towards the plains of northern India. Expect surfaced roads, lots of sharp turns and bends. Please, ride with caution,” he says. All I hear is “descending” – today’s definitely going to be my kind of day. From under a sign that says “Simbhanjyang 2488m”, I freewheel downhill and fast. My muscles finally feel liberated from the uphill slog. For several hours, I curve around bends enjoying the wind on my face and by the time I reach the bottom, I’m ecstatic. This is the bicycle ride I signed up for, a brilliant few hours of abandon and easy thrills. It’s heavenly. By dusk the following day, we arrive at Chitwan, a typical traveller-centric town. Signs advertise happy hours and banana pancakes while shops sell Buddhist CDs and postcards of mountain views. I’ve loved being off the beaten track with my bike so much that I feel a twinge of disappointment at being back with all the other camera and binocularsclutching tourists.

“

The sheer drops are totally hair-raising

”

They’re all here to see Chitwan National Park of course, Nepal’s most visited nature reserve. It’s set in the humid Terai, a wide belt of land bordered by the Himalayan foothills to the north and the River Ganges to the south. The Unesco site of forest, marsh and grassland is one of the last places you can catch a glimpse of the endangered one-horned Indian rhino, and after efforts over the past few years to conserve this endangered species, the number of rhinos in the park has increased to 500. Since there’s no riding allowed in the park, I take an elephant safari instead, in the hope of seeing one. I hop onto Jumbo the elephant, and after just 20 minutes tramping through thick vegetation, the mahout brings Jumbo to an abrupt halt. There, lit up by the soft glow of the sun, is a baby rhino. We’re so close I can see the fur on his ears and the detail of his body, which looks like dark grey armour. “Are we safe?” I whisper to the mahout. ›› “Yes, madam, we just keep back here like this and he

Unstoppable: Ajay Pandit Chhetri

The Insider's guide Ajay Pandit Chhetri, 24, lives in Kathmandu. He’s been Nepal’s National Mountain Bike Champion since 2009. What’s the mountain biking scene like here? Compared to five years ago, it’s much better now. There’s better overall knowledge, and there are trips all over Nepal to choose from. Before we only had trips around the Kathmandu Valley and Pokhara, today there’s more choice. There are more than 20 biking companies as well as trekking outfits that now offer cycling trips. Beginners should go for one with a support vehicle and plenty of flat sections, but for the more experienced you can’t beat the Annapurna circuit, which is single-track and goes up to 5416m. What’s the best cycle route in Nepal for a beginner? Either Kathmandu to Pokhara for a longer trip, or if you have less time, Thamel to Nagarkot through Bhaktapur. As a cross-country trail this is not hard and covers around 80km. This will take around two days to complete. Can you give us a top cycling tip? Kathmandu is a tourist area so don’t worry about packing – you can buy cycling gloves and things like that when you arrive. If you go to mountain areas bring well worn-in trekking shoes, though. What’s the ultimate ride? Jomsom to Muktinath is incredible. With one week, start from Pokhara, fly to Jomsom with your bike and start from there, at 3800m. Visit the famous Muktinath temple then head all the way down. All off-road! Where’s the best place to chill out after a ride? Hotel Yak & Yeti and its nightclub on Durbar Marg in Kathmandu (yakandyeti.com). Popular with Nepalis and tourists, it is one of the oldest places in town. Good music and decent wine.

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will not attack.” I watch on as a troop of baby boars trot through the foliage to the left and a monkey swings above us. I’m speechless with amazement at this happy, Jungle Book moment, and it stays with me for the remainder of the 160km journey to Pokhara. When we finally arrive, sweeping views of the bright-white famous ‘fish tail’ summit of Machhapuchhre, the Annapurna range and the Manaslu Himal range, are everything I hoped they would be – the scene takes my breath away. As we chill out in the bars and restaurants around the serene lake of Phewa Tal, recounting our experiences, and listening to other backpackers waxing lyrical about their forays into the mountains, I think to myself that nothing can ever compete with the challenges and thrills of this ride. ❚ Exodus offers a15-day Classic Nepal Ride from £1169pp based on two sharing. Bicycle hire costs an additional £145pp. exodus.co.uk

Rare: baby rhinos in Chitwan

[Caption]

Top to bottom: tired legs and smiles; mountain views; streetside groceries in Bhaktapur; chugging on a chillum

BEST OF THE REST IN THE HIMALAYAS

Photos: Paul Broomfield, Caroline Eden, Getty, Thinkstock

NEPALESE MASSAGE Nothing beats a massage after a long cycle ride or trek. Himalayan Healers have the best treatments in Nepal and the therapists have been trained to international standards. Massages from around £10. himalayanhealers.org TEMPLE TRIPPING Lumbini is thought to be the birthplace of Buddha, and so is a pilgrimage site for many devotees. There are lots of temples to explore in this spiritual wonderland, but the sights are spread out, so it’s best to hire a rickshaw. You’ll want to spend at least half a day here soaking up the atmosphere and testing your photographic skills. visitnepal.com BACKPACKER BONDING Thamel, the most touristy district of Kathmandu, is the place to stock up on energy bars, book a trek, buy knockoff travel gear, and find books and trekking poles. There are a few good cycle shops (nepalbiking.com) and plenty of bars, such as Reggae Bar and Rum Doodle, to swap stories in with other travellers. Be warned, the pollution and congestion is truly terrible here, so you’ll probably only want to make it a short stop on your way out to the fresh air and cool breezes of the mountains. visitnepal.com

NEXT WEEK Jordan: Following the desert trail of Lawrence of Arabia

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BOOK ONLINE NOW! www.thefanatics.com or call 0207 240 3223 COVENT GARDEN OFFICE 1st 90

Floor, 15 New Row, Covent Garden, WC2N 4LD Mon - Fri 9am - 6pm

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10th

Annual

D THE ST AN E G G I B , THE GINAL I R O HE ST...T SKIFE

0m 18550m 27 nteed a Guarnow! S

BEST!

2 1 0 2 S hristmas A c e it h w M X the ultimate NE W YE AR’S NYE higher than Kosciusko!

XMAS & PARIS NYE COMBO

NYE – COACH TOUR

N SKIFEST XMAS + PARIS NYE 21 DEC-1 JAN

RISOUL, FRENCH ALPS 28 DEC-5 JAN

£649 (self-cater) £729 (all-inclusive)

£499

£579 (all-inc)

GROUP ✔ 7 Nights Risoul ✔ 3 Nights Paris DISCOUNT ✔ Coach London-Risoul-Paris-London

N 9DAYTOUR (self-cater) ✔ Depart London Friday evening ✔ 6 days skiing

XMAS – COACH TOUR

NYE – FLIGHT TOUR

RISOUL, FRENCH ALPS 21-29 DEC

N 7DAYTOUR

£479

£50

£549

(self-cater) (all-inc) N 9DAYTOUR ✔ Depart London Friday evening ✔ Gets back SAT 29 DEC ✔ 6 days skiing

£599 (self-cater) £669 (all-inc)

XMAS – MAKE YOUR OWN WAY RISOUL, FRENCH ALPS 22-29 DEC N 8DAYTOUR

oul! NYE in Ris

NYE – MAKE YOUR OWN WAY 29 DEC-5 JAN

£399 (self-cater) £479 (all-inclusive)

RISOUL, FRENCH ALPS 22-29 DEC N 8DAYTOUR

29 DEC-4 JAN

£599 (self-cater) £679 (all-inclusive) N 8DAYTOUR

XMAS – FLIGHT TOUR

rs Day! o New Yea Going retr

£369 (self-cater) £439 (all-inc)

UNBEATABLE VALUE SUPERB GROUP ATMOSPHERE! ! TOP QUALITY SNOW

SKIFEST PRICE INCLUDES ✔ Return transport from London ✔ Optional b’fast & dinner daily in resort ✔ Ski lift pass ✔ Ski/Snowboard hire ✔ Skifest merchandise ✔ Legendary Skifest parties & theme nights ✔ Amazing Xmas & NYE celebrations

Unbeatable skiing

OUR SKI RESORT & ACCOM ✔ Self-contained apartments (sleeps 2-6) ✔ Balcony, kitchen, ensuite bathroom & WC ✔ High altitude resort 1,850m-2,750m ✔ Top quality snow & over 150km of piste ✔ Ski runs literally at our door step ✔ Funky resort bars, shops & restaurants

st! Xmas Day @ Skife

Know before you go..... ✔ All Fanatics tours stay in self contained apartments ✔ We DO NOT use complexes designed for schools and youth groups ✔ We only use high altitude resorts with outstanding snow records www.thefanatics.com

BOOK ONLINE NOW!

www.skifest.co.uk or call 0207 240 3223

COVENT GARDEN OFFICE 1st

Floor, 15 New Row, Covent Garden, WC2N 4LD Mon-Fri 9am-6pm TNTMAGAZINE.COM

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Egypt & The Middle East UP TO

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£258

7 DAY Jordan Adventure

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WAS £635

WAS £620

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Includes US$135 local payment

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£580

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Dep. 22 Dec 2012

ONLY

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St Catherine

SAUDI

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London

L ISRAE N JORDA

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IA 8 ARAB Dahab

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ANY GERM

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4 DAY Hogmanay Edinburgh Dep. 30 Dec 2012

£339

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£159

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*Terms and conditions apply. Prices quoted are for speciﬁc departures only. All trips subject to availability. Discounts are off the base trip price only, and do not apply to food funds, sailing funds and local payments. Flights not included. Egypt trip price includes local payment based on $1 = £0.618, which must be paid locally in USD. Exchange rates correct at time of printing, and subject to currency ﬂuctuations, depending when payment is made. See online for full terms and conditions.

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DESPERATELYSEEKING

@tntmagazine

Post your message at tntmagazine.com/seeking or email seeking@tntmagazine.com. Text TNT and your message to 81707* overpaid wankers and more good time girls like the Croydon ladies. That was an excellent weekend fellas! Will TRAIN TIFF: To the bitch who called me a “skank” on the platform at Bethnal Green. My most profound apologies for daring to have a suitcase. And I am sorrier still that you must have the feet of a clown and the eyesight of Stevie Wonder in order to have walked into it. Clearly this was my

BUDDY UP: I’m desperately seeking a casual encounter after getting my heart broken. I don’t want any feelings or shit like that – just no-strings fun. And don’t think you can make me fall in love with you anyway and that you’ll heal my pain – you won’t. So anyone with even the slightest hope of a relationship need not apply. Mike WELCOME BACK: Kaaaate! Not long til you leave Melbourne

THINGS THE QUEEN SHOULD DO BEFORE SHE DIES

#504 Show them how it’s done at the figure skating Grand Prix in Shanghai

fault and screaming at me in front of a packed station was the only solution. Just wondering, did you see any irony at all in yelling “You are so fucking rude” at me in front of children? Cheers, Skanky Pants GLUM CHUMS: Why are Londoners all so goddam miserable and angry? I’m an American and I think anyone living here has got it pretty sweet. Free health care, loads of annual leave – it’s a bit cold but really what’s not to love? And yet you all look and behave as though someone just took a dump in your lunch. Weird. Anita

and are back in the bosom of gloomy London. Good, ‘cos I’m sick of seeing pics of you looking happy and tanned in the sunshine on Facebook. It’s time you joined the real world and got stuck into some misery. Eleanor MISSING BLING: Lost my favourite piece of jewellery in SheBu Walkie and am inconsolable. It’s a thumb ring shaped like a hippo. Handmade in Hong Kong and bought for me by my gorgeous boyfriend. Please, please, please if you’ve found it, get in touch through TNT! Alissa

DICKS IN DALSTON: Seeking a new clientele for the Shacklewell Arms. Great pub, great space at the back, great music. But why oh why does it have to be completely populated by dickheads? A bunch of you got muddy footprints all over my white coat Saturday night and I don’t think any amount of scrubbing or expensive dry cleaning will rescue it. So thanks for that, Dalston wankers! May you all rot in hell. Lisa TALKING TURKEY: Shout out to the Sandpit Chicks – I’m so excited about our New Year’s trip to Istanbul I’ve done a little wee in my jocks just thinking about it! Here we come Turkish waiters! Can’t wait to meet you giant, hairy women who will slap us around in the baths! Now I’m off to change my underwear. Big B PANTS WANTED: I lost my dignity and my trousers on the Central line on Saturday night. If anyone’s found either of them, please hand ‘em in to lost property. And sorry to the lady I was with, that’s no way to behave on a third date. Ross FESTIVE FOOLS: Since when have Christmas jumpers been cool? The amount of trendies I’ve seen wandering around Spitalfields with fluffy snowflake tops would be laughable were it not so infuriating, innit? T-Bone MEAT AND GREET: To the vivacious Saffer on Holloway Road who told me she’d buy me a doner if Obama won – pay up! All the salad, garlic and chilli sauce please. With chips. When you’re ready. PJ

*Messages cost 25p each + standard network rate. 18+ bill payers only. Send STOP to end. Number may show on bill. A2B 08700460138

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THE HARDEST WORD: Why does everybody say sorry all the time here, even when they have nothing to be sorry for? You’re standing in MY WAY – I’m sorry. I looked at you for two seconds before looking away – I’m sorry. You’re all so passive aggressive and bloody British – I’m sorry! Only just arrived here but it’s driving me nuts already. Jez BIG BANG: Did anyone else think that the guy on the Tannoy at Battersea fireworks was ace? “If you guess how many fireworks we’re going to let off then you’ll win a free bar tab for the rest of your life?” I vote he replaces Grimshaw on Radio One! Mel POWER STRUGGLE: Cheers to the twat of a bouncer who ruined, or at least tried to ruin, our night last Friday by insisting that we had pushed in and were required to do 10 star jumps apiece in the middle of the road before we were allowed in. We had priority tickets so it was only you who looked a prick when we marched past you and your ‘sense of humour’ to the front of the line. Hah! Lawrence TUMMY TROUBLE: Does anyone else find it really hard to tell if a woman is preggers or not? I just can’t figure it out! Either they are and get offended that I don’t offer my seat, or the next woman with a swollen belly is mortally offended that I even suggest she looks pregnant if I do offer her one! What is a guy to do!?! Jeff SNOW PATROL: It’s almost time for the Bondi crew to hit the slopes in Meribel! Let’s hope we get less

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